Tag: Dealing

  • Dealing with rising wave of suicide

    Sir: Recent happenings across the country show that there is an alarming upsurge in incidences of suicide. Usually, Nigerians are considered lovers of life and as such would never contemplate suicide for whatever reason. But, recent occurrence in the country has since changed that. Experts have affirmed that this current situation might not be unconnected with prevalence of depression among Nigerians. The Medilexicon’s medical dictionary depicts depression as medical conditions that disrupt a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning.

    Depression is more than just a feeling of being sad or moody for a few days. symptoms of depression include feeling sad or empty, loss of interest in favourite activities, overeating, or not wanting to eat at all, not being able to sleep or sleeping too much, fatigue, feeling of hopelessness, irritation, anxiety, guilt, aches, pains, thought of death or suicide, erratic or changed behaviour, loneliness, desperation among others. It can also lead to marital troubles as depression victims find it very hard adjusting to family values and ethics.

    From all indications, the nation’s tough economic situation has increased the number of citizens who run the risk of clinical depression. Reports indicate that the rate of marital break ups has increased while matrimonial violence occasioned by economic woes has equally multiplied significantly while more men now abscond from home to escape growing economic responsibilities.

    Obviously, if depression is not properly addressed, it could culminate in suicide. Suicide is almost a strange occurrence in our clime as Nigerians are, perhaps, the most optimistic set of people on earth. The resilience of a typical Nigerian as well as his dynamic spiritual fortitude makes suicide the least of his contemplations.  Recent events have, however, altered this entire hypothesis. So, Nigerians are not, after all, immune from suicide.

    The causes of mental illness are complex and vary according to the particular disorder and individuals. Genetics, early development, drugs, a loss of family member, disease or injury, neuro-cognitive and psychological mechanisms, and life experiences, society and culture, can all contribute to the development or progression of different mental disorders in people. The most common, view, however, is that mental disorder tends to result from genetic vulnerabilities and environmental stressors combining to cause patterns of dysfunction or trigger disorder.

    Recent survey indicates 40 per cent of employers view workers with mental health conditions as a significant risk while 42 percent of employers are still underestimating the relevance of mental health in their workplace. Given the negative perception from employers, many applicants may feel that it is in their best interest not to disclose their mental conditions.  Today, 73 percent of work places across the globe still have no formal mental health policy.

    To stem the current tide of depression, mental illness and suicide across the country, the Federal Government must make concerted efforts to fix the economy.

     

    • Ogunbiyi is of the Lagos StateMinistry of Information and Strategy.
  • Dealing with female genital mutilation

    Sir: Though still practiced in more than 28 countries in Africa and a few scattered communities worldwide, the burden of Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) is seen in Nigeria, Egypt, Mali, Eritrea, Sudan, Central African Republic, and Northern part of Ghana where it has been an old traditional and cultural practice of various ethnic groups. FGM is also said to persist amongst immigrant populations living in Western Europe, North America, Australia and New Zealand,

    Nigeria, due to its large population, has the highest absolute number of female genital mutilation worldwide, accounting for about one-quarter of the estimated 115-130 million circumcised women in the world. The Nigeria Demographic and Health Survey (NDHS) 2013 showed a prevalence of FGM among adult women by geopolitical zone to be highest in the Southwest with 56.9 per cent; Southeast 40.8 per cent; South-South 34.7 per cent; Northcentral 9.6 per cent; Northeast 1.3 per cent; and Northwest 0.4 per cent.

    As reported in the NDHS, 45 out of every 100 adult women living in Lagos State for instance have undergone FGM at one time or another. This is largely due to migration from those states where the prevalence is much higher.

    It is a sad irony that the southern states that have higher literacy levels are also the most involved in this primitive socio-cultural practice. Reasons range from a belief that it reduces sexual desire and promiscuity; promotes chastity and helps young ladies attract husbands early. It is also wrongly ascribed to religious beliefs and traditional norms of female rites of adulthood. This has regrettably done more harm than good.

    Positive side of the advocacy to stamp out the scourge is the buying-in of policy makers and influencers especially in the recent time. In most states today, wives of our governors are the faces of the fight against the scourge. This is to tell us that we are not in a hopeless situation of totally eradicating the barbaric women violation.

    From informed religious perspective, none of the three main monotheistic faiths – Judaism, Christianity and Islam – prescribe female circumcision. Even if they do, should religion be indifferent to a cruel and barbaric practice?  Evidently, proof people hold on to as religious verdict to engage in the practice is also rooted in culture and not divine injunction per se. Meanwhile, culture itself, is not static but it is in constant flux, adapting and reforming. In other words, man creates culture in the first instance before culture started to create man.

    Medical experts and studies by WHO, UNICEF and other world bodies assert that, unlike male circumcision, FGM has no medical benefits whatsoever. On the other hand, says the UN Population Fund, “FGM does irreparable harm. It can result in death through severe bleeding, pain and trauma and overwhelming infections.” WHO adds that it also results in problems with urinating, could cause cysts, infections, infertility and complications in childbirth. “Women with FGM are significantly more likely than those without FGM to have adverse obstetrics outcomes including prolonged or obstructed labour, obstetric fistula, postpartum (after delivery) haemorrhage and extended maternal hospital stay.

    The way forward is usage of communication for development. There is need to resort to and prioritize reverse flow of communication.  People should be ready to change their behaviour when they understand the hazards and indignity of harmful practices and when they realize that it is possible to give up harmful practices without giving up meaningful aspects of their culture.

    The state governments should begin to pursue FGM eradication measures with as much vigour as the polio immunization programme. States and local governments where in existence should urgently revive the primary health care system and eliminate the local, untrained mutilators who use unsanitary tools to harm our girls in the name of circumcision. Elimination of local and untrained mutilators however requires provision of alternative source of livelihood.

    Parents and guardians should be made to be aware and understand that FGM has no single health benefit, but often condemns women to sexual frustration when married. Ending FGM lies in usage of multi-disciplinary approach which must involve legislation, partnership between state and communities, professional health organizations, women empowerment and public sensitization. Most importantly, let the desired attitudinal change begin from the communities.

     

    • Rasak Musbau

     Lagos State Ministry of Information and Strategy, Alausa, Ikeja.

  • Dealing with death, grief and bereavement (II)

    Last week, we discussed how to deal with loss of a loved one: be it family member or a friend. Ironically, the work of a medical doctor extends beyond caring for the living.  In this present article, let us consider you. We will consider how you can deal with and prepare for your own death. Stop deceiving yourself: death is inevitable. The best approach is to prepare for it without getting anxious.

    Preparing for death, ironically starts far from before you were ever conceived at a time when your parents had not even met.  This is so because what a person is today, some of the illness he or she suffers from predates his birth. Such genetic/inheritable illnesses that may bring premature death had been in existent in the potential parents before they even met to conceive you, the reader of this article. Some illnesses that cut life short, happen at the time of conception or during pregnancy, childbirth (like birth asphyxia) or during early childhood. Yet, some illnesses like allergy due to pollution are acquired as we grow. Also some diseases such as sexually transmitted diseases happen to us as we interact with others. Other infirmities such as obesity and hypertension are brought upon us by our own acts by the way we have lived our lives.  Thus, you are in some ways, responsible for your own death and the diseases that brought the death upon you, sooner or later.

    Thus, the very essence of the numerous healthcare articles that I have written on these pages are meant to help us prevent death and to prolong life. In spite of these, death is certain.

    Get Your House in Order

    Death will, ultimately, come and it does so when a key part (such as brain, heart, kidney and so forth) of a human being breaks down beyond certain limit, irretrievably. Recall that human being is simply, like computer, an assembly of different organs that when joined together, they form a functioning unit. Such individual organs cannot stand alone nor function alone.  Some people are so afraid of death, so much that they become hostage to death. They develop anxiety, suffer from panic or fear, and avoid funerals because of phobia for death.  They are gripped with trepidation at the thought of and at the mention of death. Some even get depressed upon reflection on death following the demise of others.

    How Then Do You Prepare For Death?

    • Have the psychological mind-set that someday at unknown place and at an unpredictable time, life will end.
    • Have the belief that death is unavoidable debt that you must pay.
    • At any given time, ensure you have a written will and testament in place as to how your materials or estate, will be distributed. The will and testament will set out how your legacy will be protected after you have left the earth.
    • If we have the grace of living into old age, prepare your children and family on how to handle things after you as well as to how to handle your demise. You may also do the preparation as you go on in life notwithstanding growing into old age or not. This approach lessens the pain on your loved ones.
    1. Our various cultures and religious doctrines help us alleviate the effect and thought of death. In some cases, a shared belief in going to a rosy, better-than-earth place following death may cushion the trauma of death.
    • A conscious believe that you have lived a good life or at least that you have tried your very best whilst being alive may also lessen the pain of future death.
    • You may also give specific instruction in your will, as to what to do with your body. Such instructions may be that your body should be subjected to autopsy in case of suspicious death (see earlier articles on coroner death). Further instruction may be as to where you should be buried and who may or may not attend your funeral.

    That said, the object of these write-ups is to postpone death though eventually, the inevitable will happen. Heeding sound advice on nutrition, living in healthy environment free from pollution, being careful to avoid infections, accidents, doing regular medical check-ups, engaging in structured exercises and maintaining good mental health with good sleep will  help us prolong our lives.  On the other hand, avoiding the certainty of end-of-life without adequate preparation ahead is a recipe for disaster as well as leaving a legacy of grief for the living that are left behind.

    If all that I have written does not work for you and you are afraid of the future, you may require some assistance. In that case, kindly endeavour to see a competent counsellor or a medical doctor in this regard.

  • Buhari delayed in dealing with Kanu, says Idahosa

    A chieftain of the All Progressive Congress in Edo State, Hon Charles Idahosa, has said that President Mohammadu Buhari delayed in dealing with several issues especially Nnamdi Kanu, leader of the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB).

    Hon Idahosa said current agitations across the country and the call for restructuring were diversionary.

    Speaking in an interview to mark his 64th birthday, Hon Idahosa stated that there was a plot to distract President Buhari from achieving his desire for the country.

    Idahosa insisted that Kanu was being sponsored by individuals who looted the country during past administration.

    He noted that it was absurd for Kanu to have money to buy equipment for radio stations thereby putting the lives of Igbos at risk.

    The former Edo Commissioner for Information and Orientation noted that the fight between APC leaders over irrelevances was because a cabal is fighting themselves for the control of power inside the system.

    His words, “Buhari missed it immediately he won and the whole world was giving him the accolade. The money stolen during the PDP time was so much. The money in the hands of individual is so much and you do not expect them to just fold their hands at the rate President Mohammadu Buhari is going, looking at his antecedents, looking at his records, he wants to set up special court to be trying corruption.

    “What you are seeing right now is corruption fighting back, nothing more, nothing less. It just that we are a country of very many unserious people. This thing could have been tackled in a way that nobody would even know that such a thing happened.

    “We made Nnamdi Kanu important. A 36 years old boy who never saw the Civil War. I saw war. I know what war is and I am sure none of you  here saw war. When you see war, mother will deny her child, father will be running to different direction while the children will be running to different direction.

    “You people do not know what is called war. Children like Kanu and his cohorts are talking rubbish because people are pumping money to them, even people that are supposed to be enlightened.

    “All these agitations here and there, they are being sponsored and stage managed to distract the APC federal government led by President Mohammadu Buhari of getting to where he wants to get Nigeria to.”

     

  • Dealing with prison congestion

    Sir: The menace of congestion in various prisons across the country has become worrisome and if not promptly looked into is capable of defeating the very purpose of establishing prisons, principal among which is to serve as a reformative, rehabilitating, correctional and re-integration facility for the betterment of the inmates, country and society at large. According to the National Bureau  of  Statistics (NBS) as at February,   72%  of inmates  in Nigeria   prison  formations are awaiting  trial persons.

    The   prolonged trials and overuse of imprisonment for minor offences     have   done   more damage   than good to  all; it constitutes a major threat to the welfare of the inmates and  on  the individual. Most minor offenders during the years or periods of awaiting trials and even after being tried and sentenced are locked up with hardened criminals who in turn influences them, making them become hardened thereby becoming terrors to the society at large after being released from prison. Also the attitudes of the society and stigma attached to a person who has committed a minor offence and has served a jail term could make him or her feel unwanted in the society leading to his desire to deliberately commit grievous offences that could send him or her back to prison.

    In order to reduce the rates at which most of our prisons are being congested and to achieve the primary purpose for which most of these corrective facilities were established for, I think it is high time non-custodial measures such as community service are adopted as alternative to imprisonment for minor offences. Neither the criminal code act nor the penal code act of Nigeria makes provision for community service as a form of punishment for minor offences and misdemeanour. But with the spate at which our prisons are being congested with awaiting trial inmates, it has become imperative for its inclusion in the laws governing crimes as there are array of instances whereby community service would be apt as an alternative to prison or jail term.

    Community service is a form of punishment wherein the offender, usually in cases of minor offences and/ or a first timer, is given a social responsibility in lieu of a jail term. This form of social responsibility ranges from sanitation, farming, cleaning public drainages, bush clearing, helping out in other local government functions amongst other activities.

    One great benefit of community service as a sentencing option is that it would help in the  overhauling of the criminal  justice system  and aid the  fast tracking of  justice delivery while  giving  room  for  decongestion of  our  prisons. Another benefit is that it would save the government the high cost of maintaining prison inmates while such funds could be expended on other meaningful developmental projects in the country.

    I wish to commend the effort of the Ogun State Judiciary under the Chief Judge, Hon. Justice Olatokunbo Olopade for the programme of quarterly decongestion of prison formations across the state particularly of Awaiting Trial inmates.  Commendable also is the Vice President Yemi Osinbajo’s position encouraging governors to give their assent to capital punishment or otherwise commute death sentences to prison terms to address the perennial problem of prison and correctional congestions in their various areas of jurisdiction.

     

    • Akinpelu Funmilola,

    Abeokuta, Ogun State.

  • Dealing with crush

    DEAR Harriet, May God bless you for your good work. Please, I need your counsel on an important matter. The matter is that my wife is disturbing me because of her belief that I am having a crush on our neighbour. I have been telling her that I don’t have anything to do with this single woman, but she maintains her stand.

    Mr Joshua, Abuja.

     

    Thanks for sharing your story. I sincerely wish to hear from your wife because it will be nice to know more. Any way, since you are the victim here, hopefully my counsel will be helpful to you and your spouse. Joshua’s story was one of the messages published last week in my mail box section with his permission.

    Moving on, a crush can be regarded as a secret affair, and in most cases, the person that is being admired might not know that this person has affection for him or her. It takes a third person or people around to spot it out. Therefore, a crush on someone does not count as having a relationship.

    That your wife has observed certain awkward behaviour from the  neighbour towards  you  does not mean that the feeling is reciprocal. She needs to understand how you feel as well because when it comes to having a relationship, it takes two to tangle, a situation where someone is affectionate  without the knowledge of the other person is merely infatuation and should not start causing  an unnecessary problem between husband and wife, especially when the man has told the wife that he doesn’t  have any feelings whatsoever towards the person.

    Your question might be, how am I sure there is nothing? Well, as long as you do not notice the same attitude from him, it will be nice for you to trust and believe your husband because for a marriage to be successful, there must be trust. Allowing this to be an issue in your home is not worth it, and in case as a wife you are considering confronting the lady about her having a crush on your husband, it is not necessary because you might just be exposing your marriage to other problem.

    Couples should be careful on the way they approach certain issues because when issues are not clear and addressed properly, it can affect the relationship that they have.

    Here are ways to tackle crushes. Effective communication is very important, so talking with your spouse about your position on the issue must be stated clearly. Talking has a way of clarifying assumptions.

    From the reaction of your wife, it is certain that you may not be able to handle the situation on your own. So I will recommend you discuss the matter with a trained counsellor or talk to someone you can trust and feel entirely comfortable with. The person must be someone your wife respects and will listen to because the earlier you address this, the better before other problems will start springing up.

    In case you decide to see a counsellor, it will  be nice to know that a counsellor will treat your issue in confidence, ask all the necessary personal questions, listen to both parties without being judgmental, explain the side effects of certain reactions and then offer solutions.

    Henceforth, try as much as possible to distance yourself from the lady now that it has been brought to your knowledge that she has a crush on you, avoid every contact with her so that your  genuine gesture or hospitality will not be mistaken for you leading her on.  Problem shared is a problem half solved, so take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Dealing with issues of ex in your marriage

    Hello Harriet, I read your article on Saturday 17th October 2015, titled “How to avoid thinking about your ex” and really I was satisfied with your illustrations because it’s as if you know what is happening to my life at the moment.  Kudos to you for that, I will like you to help me shed more light on this because I am really having this biased thought against my wife due to some incessant calls from male friends of hers (adults in 50s,60s). She is always on her phone pinging with her friends after work, please don’t get me wrong I really don’t have anything against her pinging with her friends but when it becomes a habit is the aspect that bothers me. I have questioned her twice on this her pinging issue but she swore to me that she is not cheating on me. sincerely these calls from men that I don’t know is becoming very annoying and as they say one has to know how to manage his home, personally I am doing everything to keep my marriage but when there is a little distrust it gives me ache. I love my wife she is very dear and special to me, I believe she loves me too but this feeling of insecurity is my biggest challenge. For instance there was a time my wife’s friend who she never mentioned to me came into the country from Canada, my wife went to see him, this I discovered when I was checking her phone conversation. she lied to me that she was going to church to see our pastor, unknown to her I had called our pastor for something else when he innocently told me that my wife came to church but left earlier, this was about 2hours.on this occasion I waited patiently for her to come back that evening and quarrel ensued between us to the extent that I left the house to spend the night in a friend’s place because I was very angry and I did not want to do something that I will regret later. When I came back the next day, she said not telling the truth about her outing was just the only way she felt I will allow her out, and her reason for the visit was to collect some Canadian travelling document from a friend that will help her appointment to the Canadian embassy, On that day again she swore that for the two years we have been married she has never cheated on me and not now. The long story short is that I later helped my wife through all the visa processes not to talk of the trips bearing in mind that we don’t live in Lagos only to later discover that the friend in question was my wife’s really ex boy friend and they are very much in touch with each other seriously. Presently we are still waiting in the Lord for the fruit of the womb and she is always crying while I normally console her but how can I have peace of mind with all this going on? Please I really need your advice on this issue; I am constantly thinking too much trying to find solution. Help me!

    Name with held.

     

    We must commend you for sharing your situation. It takes a lot of courage to be open in dealing with issue like this which is what you have done by sending us a mail and giving us the permission to publish it, well done. In most cases people take action without seeking solution to make it work forgetting the fact that dealing with marital issues is totally different from dating. Husband and wives are advice to learn to resolve whatever problems they have amicably, exploiting every option to make it work before taking any decision. Seeking counseling in order to understand how to deal with the situation at hand is a very good step that you have taken , because from the look of things, a lot are at stake here and must be tackled properly bearing in mind that your marriage is still very young. Every marriage at the early stage has its ups and down so the survival of the union depends on the way couples approach their issues.  Here are a few guides that might be of help in a case like this; effective communication is important in a situation like this, therefore it will be nice for you to have a discussion with your wife about the whole situation starting from her constant pinging with her male friends that you hardly know, to the lies, and her keeping in touch with her ex boy friend.  Try to find out from her why she is constantly on chat with her male friends, her relationship with her ex boy friend and the lies. Lying can be a huge problem in a marriage, it can make a spouse feel betrayed, which later might lead to the feeling of insecurity which is what you are experiencing at the moment. Moving forward is to review the type of lie; like does she lie constantly or is this incident a one off?   next is to listen to her explanations and watch her reaction, then  tell her about your concerns and share that you are deeply hurt by the lie, encourage her to discuss the reason for taking such step to betray the trust you have for her,  tell her how it might affect your relationship with her. Yes, she needs to know the implication of her actions but do not jump into conclusion until you are sure with facts, rather try to work on a plan together that encourages spouses to be honest.  Who knows she might just be the type that have more male as friends without necessarily having an affair with them than female friends. one thing youDealing with issues of ex in your marriageruggling to deal with the situation because this can be harmful to your relationship if not tackle properly. Booking an appointment with a marriage counselor is not a bad idea, as a professional he or she will take you and your spouse through the necessary steps to find out the root of the problems and then offer solutions for peace and trust to be restore in your relationship which is a major factor that must be present in your marriage as you and your spouse wait patiently for God’s appointed time to bless your union with the fruit of the womb.  Above all pray about it together and I hope you find this useful, take care of yourself and each other.

     

    • Harriet is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only on 08023058805.
  • Dealing with quack doctors

    Sir: The recent arrest of a fake medical doctor in the employ of the Federal Ministry of Health, Abuja, has raised concerns over the seeming invasion of the medical profession by quacks. The suspect, Martins Ugwu, who is already facing trial, had allegedly worked in the health ministry for the past nine years undetected using the certificate of his friend, Dr. Davidson Daniel George. He had already risen to the position of chairman of the Nigerian Medical Association (NMA) chapter of the Ministry of Health before he was caught.

    This is not the first time that an unscrupulous person would impersonate a medical doctor in the country. Some male nurses have posed as doctors and actually worked as such in government and private medical facilities before they were detected. In the same vein, some medical students who failed to graduate from medical schools have been known to parade themselves as doctors and work in some hospitals in the country, doing more harm than good to the nation’s healthcare delivery system.

    The prosecution of this impostor should be seen to its logical conclusion. Anyone who may have aided and abated this criminality should be apprehended and prosecuted alongside the main suspect.  It is ridiculous that Ugwu worked in the health ministry and was not detected for   nine long years. There are likely to be other fake doctors in our hospitals. There may also be fake pharmacists, nurses and midwives. There is hardly any profession in Nigeria that does not have its fair share of impostors. They can be found in law, engineering and journalism, amongst others.

    Pragmatic strategies need to be adopted by relevant authorities to flush dusuch people out of the system. The craze for paper qualifications and white collar jobs in the country seems to be the driving force for this type of criminality. The general high level of graduate unemployment might also be a factor.

    It is good that the Medical and Dental Council of Nigeria (MDCN), a statutory body in charge of registration and discipline of   qualified medical and dental doctors in the country, has commenced the verification of all medical doctors employed by the Federal Government to check this ugly development. The MDCN should go beyond this because if the problem is not properly tackled, it could erode the confidence of the public in the nation’s healthcare system.  Beyond the verification of qualified doctors,   we recommend routine checks on all health institutions in the country, whether public or private. Let the council beam its searchlights on all states and local governments in the country to fish out fake doctors. It should speedily conduct the audit and release a register of qualified medical doctors in Nigeria. If this is done, it will be easier to detect quacks in the system.

    The council should also partner with NMA in its efforts to track down quacks. This should go beyond operation “show your certificates.” Medical colleges should consider starting the embossment of pictures of qualified medical doctors on their certificates as a way out of this quagmire.

    We say this because medical practice, which deals with human life, is too important to trifle with. The invasion of the hallowed medical profession by quacks portends great danger for healthcare in Nigeria.  Everything must be done to save Nigerians from persons who disguise as doctors and other medical professionals.

     

    • Ayo Adesugba,

     Abuja.

  • Dealing with break up

    DEAR Harriet, during my year in the Polytechnic, I had a girl friend in school then. Though the relationship became stronger when we came for our HND program. I love this girl so dearly that I never dated any other girl except her. We became fond of ourselves that everybody in my class like the way we do our things which made them to call her my wife. Despite the fact that I was a student then, I provided virtually everything that she needed that is within my power except paying her school fees. In fact, I made this girl. I had the intention of marry her if things go well but I never propose to her reason simply because we are still students and I didn’t  want to marry out of desperation, to keep her off from other men. We discussed about getting marriage to each other and concluded that if it is the will of God it will come to reality.

    One thing that surprised me was that immediately we rounded up our school program, her attitude towards me began to change to worse; I will call her on phone she will not pick and will never call back except I called back again. The one that got me mad was that immediately she saw my  NYSC posting where I was posted to the North while she was posted to the Western state She openly told me that I am not the type of guy that she needs now to my greatest surprise. I feel disappointed. Thank God that I didn’t die of high Blood pressure during that period because the shock of the news was so devastating. I was not able to understand why she should be telling me this now after so many years of being together. I called to know her reasons which she said nothing at all just that she need to taste a new life aside me.  My friends tried to settle the issue but to no avail. I was not comfortable with it but I had to summon courage and move on. I even called her during my NYSC year begging her to come back which she turned down. Instead she told me that we can be just casual friends. This was a girl I once took to my house and introduce her to my parents, elder sisters, uncle and even my in-law in one event that I invited her for in my village.

    To cut the story short, immediately after my NYSC I got a nice pay job. I compelled myself to call her again what she is now telling me was that her parents disapprove her marrying any man from my state though we are from the same region. an opinion she said she did not accept. Please do I need to start worrying myself over this girl again or to move on with my life?

    Kingsley C., Abuja.

     

    Thanks for telling your story, it takes a lot of courage share your situation and we really commend you for it. Your situation is not an exceptional case because at one time or another every one of us has been deeply hurt by another person. Some of us hold tight to the anger and pain, others choose to let it go. A break up hurts… like hell. There is no better way of putting it. It’s intensely painful. And dealing with a breakup involves getting through some of that pain to still be able to get things done in your life.

    Since your case is a recent break up, you’re probably still in shock and having a hard time accepting it emotionally. That explains why you keep making all the effort for her to come back, In fact your emotions are probably running the show. Regardless if you’ve been dating for short while or not, you are going to be overwhelmed with incomprehensible sadness. Maybe even a combination of disbelief, anger and obsessiveness topped with an overall lack of control over your emotions. Note, You’re not just mourning the loss of someone very close to you, dreams of growing old together are shredded so for healing to take place you must go through all these emotions and do not suppress it. Dealing with heartbreak in a situation like yours with all the investment with high expectation, must be treated properly so that it does not affect your next relationship. The initial stage  for example, a few weeks might be the worst. They are as close to unbearable as it gets. But… break ups don’t kill you. And like the saying goes” What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger”. In fact, through the process of loving and losing you have the capacity to learn valuable lessons about yourself, your life and your relationships.

    How ever, Most interesting people have experienced a wide spectrum of emotions ranging from extreme pleasure to excruciating pain. They, and millions of men before you, have found ways to get over a break up and survive, and so will you. Besides it might just be God’s doing, remember you mention that you both have committed your marriage intension into God’s hands so may be she is just not your wife. God know’s best, go to him in prayer and with time he alone will give you clarification.  Break up hurts like I said earlier don’t get me wrong but would you rather be in a relationship with someone that is not fully committed? Sometimes breakup are for the best, it is just one of those things you have to push through. As tough as it may be you can not force her to stay,  she has made up her mind to break up with you, reasons best known to her, the truth is that you should  let her go and move on with your life because no matter what you do or say she might not come back to you. The signs were there the moment she started avoiding your calls, and giving you excuses, tells you that something is wrong. Time heals all wound, so with time you will get over her, you have a fantastic life ahead of you. As a result here are some tips to help you get over your heart break. Initial step is  accepting your present situation; people have different reasons for going into relationship so your aim of making her your wife, might be different from her own reason and from your statement you have made all the necessary effort to make her change her mind but it is clear that she has made her stand clear to move on, accept her decision and let go. Next step is the aspect of communication; for you to recover it will be a good idea if you avoid any form of contact with your Ex girl friend for now until you are completely over her, because while getting over a break up, you might have a strong urge to contact your ex. More often than not, however, it will be detrimental to your emotional wellbeing to do so. Too often I see guys break down after seeing an ex’s latest face book update or by getting dead aired after a “I miss you” text. Don’t make their mistake!

    “No contact” are words to live by  and one of the best ways to get over a break up. The reason is simple because any contact with your ex will trigger the most painful and overwhelming feelings you have been having and will set you back in your recovery.

    Staying friends is a fallacy. In fact, the more space you have while getting over a break up, the greater your ability to heal and move on.Fully disengaging is one of the most effective ways to get over your break up. This will allow you to disentangle your emotions from your rationale. That, in turn, provides you with the mental clarity to reflect accurately on your breakup.

    Accept your feelings and do not judge them. Learn to stop blaming yourself for her decision to end the relationship, accept your emotions it only natural, as for all the kindness, love and care you showered her, see it as an act of charity, do not regret it at all. In addition avoid jumping into relationship at the moment because you need time to heal so that you can have a clear mind and appreciate the person instead of using the person to fill in the gap. This is the moment for you to focus on your vision and achieve your goals, be the best that you can be in every aspect, take up activity that you enjoy, get busy. Look at her action as a wake up call for something good. Finally writing can also help you to heal; Although, most  men too often foster a culture of “walking it off” and “manning up” and as a result very few of them have emotional aptitude. Living peacefully with your emotions, however, does not come through suppression, but through understanding. You must become aware of what you feel and why you feel it, before you can let that feeling go. Start Writing today, when you feel sad. But also when you feel good. Write to your future self. Give yourself tips and breakup advice to help you through the hard times. Trust me,I know you’re feeling down right now, it may be difficult to accept all these tips but in all likelihood you cannot change her mind because she has already decided to end her relationship with you. You cannot control other people’s feelings and actions, you can only control yours. You deserve a partner who is equally as excited to be with you as you are with her not someone who will constantly need convincing to stay with you.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • Buhari must initiate process for dealing with Nigeria’s fundamental problem

    I applaud President Buhari’s courageous and focused assault on the hideous evil of corruption. I believe that if he succeeds with it, he would give our country some moral strength and a fair chance to return to the path of socio-economic progress.

    But that is not all that our country needs. Our country’s most important need is to find ways to be a stable country – to find ways to make our hundreds of nationalities live together in reasonable harmony as members of one country. It can be done. Many multi-nation countries like ours – such as India, Switzerland, Britain in its own way, and others – have done it or are doing it with reasonable degrees of success. Without finding a reasonably broadly acceptable solution to this problem, we are not likely ever to make Nigeria a stable country; in fact, we doom our country to continued instability, conflicts and probable ultimate break-up. President Buhari is the President of Change and Hope that Nigeria has long needed and desired. He must not continue to appear to be unaware of, or to be ignoring, or to be evading, this fundamental problem.

    This fundamental problem is not peculiar to Nigeria; it is common to virtually all Black African countries. And it is because no Black African country has found a broadly acceptable solution to it that virtually all Black African countries are forever going through turmoil and conflicts. And the reason no African country has found a solution to it is that African leaders, in general, do not accept fact as fact concerning this problem and deal with it as reasonable humans should.

    The root of this fundamental problem is that Black Africa is peculiarly a land of mostly small nationalities. After its three largest nationalities (the Yoruba, Hausa-Fulani and Igbo of Nigeria) and a few sizeable ones, the remaining thousands of Black Africa’s nationalities are very small – many not more than a few hundreds of thousands, or even only tens of thousands, in population.

    With this minute ethno-linguistic fragmentation of the Black African sub-continent, virtually every Black African country of our times comprises tens of nationalities. Nigeria, the largest in population, with some 170 million people, has over 300 nationalities – of which the three largest share about 130 million.  Clearly, over 100 of Nigerian nationalities have populations of only a few hundred thousand or even less each. The small Republic of Benin next door, with a population of about eight million, is home to about 40 nationalities. Tanzania, with a population of about 38 million people, has about 120 nationalities.

    Therefore, no matter how Black Africa had organised itself into new modern countries at the beginning of the last century, this fundamental problem would have been indeed a difficult reality to handle – since almost all countries would have needed to contain many nationalities. But, in fact, and unfortunately, Black Africa’s organisation into our modern countries actually happened in the worst way imaginable. It happened through conquest, control and direction by European imperialists who had no respect whatsoever for Black African peoples. In the process, these European imperialists compounded and confounded Black Africa’s fundamental problem. They twisted and mangled this problem, and now it is a tenacious nightmare for all the countries, and all the peoples, of Black Africa. Approaching African peoples with deep disrespect, the European creators of our modern countries simply trampled down our various nationalities, cut boundaries through the homelands of countless nationalities, and created new countries in such ways as to make room for little or no likelihood of cohesion or stability ever.

    To convey some picture of this sordid disrespect, let’s quote statements of two participants in the creation of our countries. In 1884-5, representatives of leading European countries met in Berlin in Germany to share Africa among them. One of those representatives later wrote: “We have been engaged in drawing lines on maps where no white man’s foot has ever trod; we have been giving away mountains and rivers and lakes to each other, only hindered by the small impediment that we have never known where the rivers and lakes and mountains were”. One British official who took part in creating the eastern boundaries of Nigeria wrote later: “In those days, we just took a blue pencil and ruler, and we put it down at Old Calabar, and drew that blue line to Yola. I recollect thinking when I was sitting having an audience with the Emir (of Yola) surrounded by his tribe, that it was a very good thing that he did not know that I, with a blue pencil, had drawn a line through his territory”.

    That is the ignorant, disrespectful and shoddy manner in which our country, Nigeria, was created – and in which all other countries of Black Africa were created. That is also the ignorant and disrespectful manner in which the internal boundaries of our Nigeria were created. When we feel like making noises about our Nigeria or about our North, or whatever, we need to remind ourselves of these sorry pictures. Starkly put, our country and its international and internal colonial boundaries are one package of ignorant and presumptuous errors. They are a package of wounds that still pain many of our nationalities.

    This does not mean, of course, that Nigeria is impossible to keep together and to build into a successful country. What it does mean, however, is that those who manage the affairs of Nigeria must keep consciously aware of the fundamental realities of the country we call Nigeria. It means that we must consciously nurture a culture of respect for every nationality, large or small. It means that we must be committed to a true federation, and to a federal structure and order based on respect for our nationalities. With these, we can make success of Nigeria; without them, we cannot. President Buhari needs to show that he knows these things.

    President Buhari must show that he knows what is known by a total foreigner like Elliot P. Skinner who wrote, “African countries will continue to be racked by conflicts unless leaders agree about how to govern their multi-faceted nation-states and how to distribute their economic resources equitably. Without compromise that would ensure “ethnic justice”, neither so-called “liberal democracy” nor any other species of government will succeed in Africa”.

    In short, no matter what else we do, no matter how successfully we suppress corruption under Buhari’s leadership, we still must provide a broadly acceptable solution to the fundamental problem created by the fact that our country is a country of hundreds of different ancient nationalities. To make a success of Nigeria at all, we must provide solutions acceptable to our various nationalities.

    Some of our most prominent citizens think that the answer to this enormous problem is to keep asking us Nigerians to think of ourselves only as Nigerians and cease thinking of ourselves as Yoruba, Ijaw, Hausa-Fulani, Ibibio, Igbo, Kanuri, etc. Some think it is something worthy of pride to keep telling us that they see themselves as Nigerian leaders only and detest being seen as leaders among their own nationalities. It does not amount to a solution.