The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Dealing

  • Dealing with sibling rivalry

    Hello Harriet, I’m enjoying your column. Please, kindly explain to me why children figh., My house is like a battlefield and I am tired. I really don’t know what to do.

    Ted U.,  Edo State.

    Ted, what you are experiencing is sibling rivalry. Some children relate with their siblings very well with a bit of disagreement here and there.

    Some are always on each other’s throat. It is very common to see brothers and sisters quarrel and fight. As we go along, you will understand the reasons behind it and how to deal with the situation.

    Rivalry starts even before some children have siblings. They compete for everything from food to toys, even when they are alone. So when there is a second child, they start seeking attention and affection.

    What we should know is that as children attain different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another and this can be frustrating and upsetting for parents. Trouble between siblings can be traced to different issues like rivalry, strife or abuse.

    Rivalry can be seen as a spirit of competition or jealousy between siblings in a family. For example, once there is a shift of attention among siblings, there is bound to be rivalry. This can be devastating among siblings, while in some cases it can be advantageous with regards to good behaviour and achievement.

    A home where the older children are hardworking academically, the younger ones in return will want to follow their footsteps. Don’t forget that children naturally are very competitive; most of them want to be seen as the best, so they try very hard to be noticed and praised.

    To some extent, sibling rivalry is natural. Another problem of sibling rivalry is sibling strife.

    Strife: This can be destructive to a child. If a child sees that his or her parents pay more attention to  other siblings, it can lead to them showing nasty behaviour towards their loved one, so to express their feeling of neglect what most of them will do is to start teasing or ridiculing their sibling and this might affect the sibling in question emotionally.

    Moreover, sibling abuse is a problem of sibling rivalry as well. Relationship between siblings can sometimes degenerate into abusive behaviour and pattern by name calling, fighting, threats, destruction of personal possessions, hitting or inciting fear in the younger ones could be as a result of temperament or how some children  respond to situations.

    Some older children transfer their anger or hurt to their younger ones, especially when they are been blamed by their parents. So in order to regain their sense of power, they react in the above ways. With these problems we can see that sibling rivalry has to do with a lot of things to a certain extent.

    It is a common happening where there are children in the family setting seeking for attention and affection. One other cause is birth order. The first child gets all the affection and attention at the beginning because he or she is the only child. But the minute there are others, the equal share now comes to play. If not handled properly, it might lead to serious sibling rivalry.

    Jealousy can also lead to sibling rivalry. When parents start giving preferential treatment to one child over others (daddy’s girl or mummy’s boy), not that as parents they don’t love their other children. They certainly love them as well, but the fact that they pay a special attention to a particular child might make one or others jealous.

    Remember jealousy is not a new thing. It has been in existence right from time and this can lead to a lot of things, if not handled properly.

    Furthermore, unhealthy or unfavourable comparison can pose as a cause for sibling rivalry. Children are very sensitive about their matters of physical attractiveness and body characteristics.

    It is highly inflammatory to commend one child at the expense of another. Don’t forget children are very competitive. They are very sensitive to certain issues. Desire for attention cannot be overlook, while mentioning the causes of sibling rivalry. Some children create trouble with their siblings just to get attention from adults. It could be their parents or guardians. They want to be noticed at all times.

    Changing roles is another cause. As children start growing from one stage to another, their attitude changes. The teen body begins to mature, he or she starts to develop new interests. They may have more responsibilities at home. Some are more involved with their age friends. Such changes can have effect on their families. For example,  a little sister may feel neglected by her older sister  or big brother, moving to a boarding school. These changes can lead to sibling rivalry.

    Stress and frustration contribute to sibling rivalry. When a family is going through stress, it could be as a result of the position of their marriage, tension at home, parental abuse and an alcoholic parent. If not dealt with properly, it can actually affect the children. Some might start taking the frustration of the whole situation on the younger siblings.  In addition, selfishness and lack of sharing limited resources can lead to sibling rivalry.

    To be continuted

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Dealing With Too Much Information

    Welcome to your column on public speaking, it’s great to have you back. For a while, we have been considering the general topic “grabbing attention”. We discussed how short the attention span of humans has become in recent years and how much we need to struggle to get people’s attention. According to the National Centre for Biotechnology Information, at the U.S. National Library of Medicine, the attention span of humans has dropped from 12 seconds to 8 seconds between 2000 and 2013.

    Last week, we discussed the “information overload” phenomenon and how it can affect us as public speakers. Considering that several things are competing for the attention of our audience, we have to work harder to grab and sustain attention. Today, our main concern is how we can deal with the deluge of information we are exposed to everyday. Before we consider some steps we can take to manage information overload, it is important to first discuss its challenges:

    •The Challenge of making decisions: ordinarily, we can argue that the more information we have access to, the better informed we are to make decisions. However, how do we determine when we have gathered “enough” information to take the next step? In this age of ICT, it is important to consume media contents or browse the Internet with a focus. If we don’t know exactly what we are looking for, we may spend hours searching, getting entertained and finding every other information except what we really need. In cases like this, the more information we have, the farther we get from making good decisions.

    •Confusing information: of course, there are several sides to issues and several ways to deal with them. While several books, magazines, TV programmes, blogs, tweets, facebook posts, etc exist on any given topic, it is not strange that some of them are contradictory. Hence, people sometimes get more confused as they get more information. Rather than helping us to make sound decisions, a lot of information we are exposed to only give us the different sides of the argument while leaving us to determine the most authentic.

    •Information based on opinions and sentiments: if we attempt to browse on any subject using the search engines on the Internet, we are likely to find more blogs and private websites than research based sites. The implication of this is that the information we want to base our decisions on may have been written by anybody- even a little child fabricating stories. How can we be sure that the idea we want to adopt is based on facts and not sentiments or opinions? Any information can go viral on the Internet but that does not make it a fact. Since everyone can be an information provider, the volume of information in circulation keeps growing. It is left to us to determine what we believe.

    Having considered a few challenges of information overload, let’s now see how we can deal with them.

    •Avoid “I’m missing out” attitude: a lot of people stay almost perpetually on social media or the Internet as a whole, not because they are looking for or sharing any particular information, but because of the fear of missing out on “something important”. Not only can this keep them largely distracted because their minds will always be on their devices, it can also expose them to a lot of unnecessary information.

    •Process only the information you need to know: it is possible you want to know a lot of things but how many of them really add value to you? While you may not be able to control the amount of information you are exposed to (since a lot of them come unsolicited), try to determine what you spend your time processing. Engage information based on what you need and not what you want. By doing this, you will avoid being overloaded with information.

    •Judge by quality, not by quantity: some people think the more information they have access to, the better their lives will become. Well, this is not necessarily true. A valuable and specific piece of information is worth much more than ten general ones. You need to reduce the amount of time you devote to unnecessary information so that you pay better attention to the valuable ones.

    •Mind your source: the quality of a piece of information is determined by its source. If the source is credible, so is the information and vice versa. Before we decide to base our decisions on any information, we must learn about the source. If the source has the experience and credentials to offer such information, that’s great, if not, beware.

    •Be focused: this is perhaps the most important way to manage information overload. If we don’t know what we are looking for, everything will seem acceptable to us. We need to determine the direction our life is going and then select the information that can take us there. Not every piece of information is meant for us; we need to find ours.

     

  • Dealing with masturbation

    Ma,

    I am a boy who just clocked18. I thank God for it. Well you can wish me a happy birthday. Madam, I am facing a serious challenge which I have been with for almost 10 years. It is the issue of masturbation. It all started the moment I was raped by one of my cousins. Since then, I cannot control my sexual urges and masturbation. I have this feeling of opening up to you as a counsellor to help me out. This issue has been a secret in my life. I am ashamed to confide in anybody for fear of being condemned. I really don’t know how to deal with my situation. Please, I need your help. You have my permission to publish my message, but please, don’t disclose my identity. Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

    I must commend you for the courage you showed by sending in your mail about your situation. It takes a lot to do so. You have done great. Sending this mail is one step to your healing because when you open up on issues like this, it gives a clear picture of what you are going through. Now, we have two issues to tackle. First is the case of rape and the second is masturbation. Rape is a serious issue and must be reported. It doesn’t matter who is involved, whether family member or not. The rapist must face the law for such an act. On the other hand, the victim must be protected and reassured of a bright future. He or she must see a trained counsellor who will take the victim through a healing process.  The reason for all this explanation about rape is because it is one of the major causes masturbation.  Come to think of it, most of the rape issues are done by family members who take advantage of the innocent. That is the reason why parents must protect their children all the way. Discuss with them, telling them everything they need to know about sex education. Listen to them when they complain about certain people. Trust them; don’t intimidate them. Build their confidence, show them love and answer all their questions. Correct your children with love when they are wrong.  Masturbation is one common act that a large number of teenagers are involved in mostly when the above are missing and when there is lack of information or wrong information given to them as they are confused about the natural changes that are taking place in their bodies, both physical and emotional. Apart from the issue of rape, some get answers from their friends on what to do when their sexual feeling comes to play. Others get these answers from books and media. Masturbation becomes an addiction and can actually affect other aspects of their lives, if all the necessary steps are not taken to put an end to it. Some of the effects are as follows: obsession, guilt, lack of concentration, absentmindedness, memory loss, depression, solitariness, low self-esteem and so on.  However, stopping masturbation addiction requires a lot of self-discipline and total commitment. It is achievable once you set your mind on it. There are some useful tips on how to deal with the issue of masturbation.  My first advice on this case is that you see a trained counsellor, so that his rape issue will be treated properly. He needs to open up to a professional who is not going to judge or condemn him, but reassure him of confidentiality and assist him through the healing process which comes in sections. Since his unspoken rape incident is what led him into masturbating and uncontrollable sexual urges. The next step is to learn to divert your free time and energy into active areas like sport. Take up an activity that you enjoy instead of staying idle. You can start daily exercise, if you like, but once you start, make sure you stick to it. If you can’t keep to it on your own, then go and register with a gym and be consistent.  Getting really busy with yourself in a useful and productive way is also another way to end this practice. Take up courses to acquire skills, if you like. This will occupy your mind and help you improve yourself. As a matter of fact, the truth is that you need to seriously work on your mind set because all this started from the mind. So dealing with it means that the mind must be occupied with right thoughts- positive thinking, nothing more. You must be determined to make it work. Above all, don’t forget to surrender yourself to God. He is your creator,  the only one who will make all this action work, if you take it to Him in prayers. Therefore, whatever your religion, take your situation to Him, while you follow all the tips that are given to you. Trust Him and He will deliver you.   Avoid being idle because the idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Read inspirational books that will help. Fill your mind with thoughts on how you can improve yourself for good. Be creative, for example, learn how to play a musical instrument.   Furthermore, avoid every situation that might trigger the urge of masturbation. Keep away from anything that turns you on sexually. They could be films, books, magazines, bad friends and so on. You have to take absolute control of yourself at all times by avoiding tempting situations, if you want to end it.  In short, start something new that will keep you busy and excited. In addition, you need to take this process step by step to avoid making  mistakes along the line. Don’t forget it took time to get into this habit and it will take time to get out. So, if you fall, do not remain there. Dust yourself up and continue because it takes a willing heart to achieve change.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • Dealing with eczema

    Dealing with eczema

    THE skin which protects our organs, muscles, bones and regulates our body temperature can run into plenty of trouble, like acne when pores become clogged. But pimples are not the only upsetting skin problem people may encounter.

    Another common yet unexplainable challenge condition a wide range of individuals face is eczema. According to the World Health Organization, this disease affects many children and adults in our parts of Africa due to the humid temperature and poor sanitation habits. Most infants who develop the condition outgrow it sometime during childhood while others continue to experience symptoms on and off throughout life.

    Defining this health issue, Dr. Kayode Oyediran of Diamond Crest Hospitals, Egbeda says, “Eczema is a group of skin conditions that cause skin to become red, irritated, itchy, and sometimes develop small, fluid-filled bumps that become moist and smell.

    “Science has not been able to prove the cause of eczema but some researchers think it could be a difference in the way a person’s immune system reacts to things in the environment. For example, too many folks in Nigeria make use of adulterated topical lotions or body creams as most people would call it.”

    Although it is not contagious like a cold, but most people with eczema have family members with the condition. Researchers think it is inherited or passed through the genes.

    While the exact cause of eczema is unknown, some irritants have been identified to worsen the situation.

    Medical practitioners state that patients with eczema are also likely to have some degree of asthma. For others, food allergies such as cow’s milk, soy, eggs, fish, or wheat may cause or worsen eczema. Those who are allergic to animals and the waste they produce, rough fabrics, and dust would reduce their chances of developing eczema if they avoid these allergens.

    It can be difficult to avoid all the triggers that may cause or worsen eczema flare-ups but it is essential to understand how the symptoms manifest. Oyediran said, “In many people, the itchy patches of eczema usually appear at the elbow, on the back of the knees, ankles, and wrists and on the face, neck, and upper chest although any part of the body can be affected.

    “Then, if the person scratches, the skin may become red, inflamed, or blistered. Some people who have eczema scratch their skin so much it becomes almost leathery in texture. Others find that their skin becomes extremely dry and scaly. Even though many people have eczema, the symptoms can vary quite a bit from person to person.”

    To protect children from this infection, studies have highlighted the importance of breast-feeding. Reports show that children who are breast-fed until they are 4 months old are less likely to get skin diseases.

    However, in the face of all of these, there’s good news. If you have eczema, medical experts say it usually clears up before the age of 25. Until then, you can learn to tune in to what triggers the skin condition and manage it.

    Your self-esteem doesn’t have to suffer just because you have eczema and neither does your social life!

     

     

     

    Tackling  eczema

    1. Try to avoid hot water. Too much exposure to hot water or overuse of soaps or cleansers can dry out your skin. So take short warm, not hot, showers and baths and wear gloves if your hands will be in water for long periods of time.

    Be sure to gently and thoroughly pat your skin dry, as rubbing with a coarse towel will irritate the eczema. Also, it isn’t the water that causes your skin to react; it’s the water evaporating that’s not captured in the skin.

    2. Don’t scratch that itch. Even though it’s difficult to resist, scratching your itch can worsen eczema and make it more difficult for the skin to heal because you can break the skin and bacteria can get in, causing an infection. As a precautionary measure, keep your fingernails short to prevent skin damage.

    3. Moisturise skin affected by eczema often. In most cases, moisturisers are the first step in itch control. Applying moisturiser helps lock in your skin’s own moisture. Recent studies reveal that individuals with eczema have gaps between the cells in their skin that allow allergens to get in. Moisturizer can fill these gaps and make it harder for allergens to get into the skin.

    The key is to moisturise often, especially right after bathing or washing. Look for a moisturiser that is unscented, because additives and fragrances can irritate the skin. For the most moisture protection, choose a thicker ointment, like petroleum jelly.4. Use cold compresses to soothe itchy skin. Cold compresses applied to the skin can also soothe itch. You can place an ice pack inside a plastic bag or soft towel. Hold the ice next to the itchy skin for a few minutes or as needed to help relieve itch.

    4. Wear comfortable fabrics that feel good. Say yes to cotton. Clothes made of scratchy fabric like wool can irritate your skin. Choose comfortable, loose-fitting fabrics that make your skin feel good. Cottons and cotton blends are usually the most comfortable. Avoid coarse materials, wool, and synthetic fabrics since these fabrics can irritate your skin.

    5.Avoid anything that makes your symptoms worse. This may include foods such as eggs in a very young child, strong soaps or detergents, as well as chemicals and solvents