The Nation Newspaper

Tag: emotional

  • Moving in the wrong direction

    Moving in the wrong direction

    The distinctive feature of intimacy is mutual responsiveness, that reassuring sense that lovebirds really ‘get’ each other. This means that you come to your interactions with a well-developed understanding of each other’s inner workings and use that privileged knowledge thoughtfully, for each other’s benefit. It is that safe and comforting feeling you get basking in the knowledge that this other person truly understands and appreciates you.

    Ironically for many, things fell apart when they thought they had conquered all. This experience compares to what happened the Patrica recently. It started like the usual boy meets girl story and she wasn’t really satisfied with her Romeo’s status. He didn’t have much, but she decided to give him a chance because she was a fan of not all that glitter’s phrase. To make it work, she gave him all the love, support, and attention required for a ‘learner’ on the emotional wheels. In a short while they made it to the top and became the toast of the town.

    Three and half decades down the line, the union produced six wonderful children and everyone thought our dear Patricia had solved all the mathematical equations in the emotional terrain. Suddenly, the emotional pendulum shifted backward and a new beauty about the same age as their first son stole the heart of the beau in question. Just like that? Well, you can’t afford to be careless along this corridor. On his part, Romeo claimed that he had been hoodwinked all this while by an emotional witch (his wife).

    Anyway, now that we have found love, what are we gonna do with it?  Patricia accepted this as her lot and moved into an emotional coma. On his part, the excited Romeo was in the clouds and he just did not want distractions. First, he gave her a quit notice and when she refused to comply, he beat her to pulps, removing a tooth in the process. When the children from the union got wind of the happening, things fell apart.

    All hell was let loose, they moved to the family house, beat up the princess who was distracting their father, and built a new apartment for Patricia in the same compound. Love or no love, they transformed her world, bought a car, and had a steward and driver on standby. Remorseful, Romeo apologized and they reverted back to the emotional status quo.

    That old man was simply going against the emotional traffic. He broke all the rules, damaged a reliable car (heart), and had to pay the penalty. Luckily, he realised his mistakes before it was too late and went back to the right way using the reverse gear.

    He was driving his emotional vehicle in the wrong direction. The big question here would be why would someone want to go against the traffic? Interestingly, people do this for so many reasons. The first is to get to the desired destination (new heart) on time because the normal direction(old heart) has some traffic and you just do not want to be part of the stress.

    On the emotional corridor, this amounts to cheating and breaking the rules of consistency. A cheating heart can be compared with a reckless driver, moving around in the wrong direction and crashing (breaking) hearts in the process. It is worse when the heart knows that the game is up and the next option would be to speed faster on the wrong lane crashing more hearts in the process. Sanity comes in when the law finally catches up with this reckless heart.

    People can also drive in the wrong direction because they missed an exit (confusion), for thrill-seeking(distraction), as a suicide attempt(end of the road), or as a shortcut(the restless). Emotional penalties at this juncture can include a fight, break-up, or a combination of all of these.

    Sometimes, it may be a mistake and not a deliberate action. For example, this happens when the driver is from a right-hand traffic country and is unaccustomed to driving in a left-hand traffic country, and vice versa. It is therefore important to understand the routes and be in charge of the wheels.

    While driving on the road, you also need to factor the interest of other people into whatever you do. It is therefore imperative to behave yourself and not be a reckless driver on the physical or emotional terrain. Of course, we all know that it can be tiring sitting in traffic, sweating, hooting, and shouting at those who want to cut corners but somehow you would have satisfied your conscience that you did what was right. Life simply must go on and it is not every time that the traffic is smooth. At such point, our responsibility is to comply, manage traffic, and manage congestion.

    When breaking the rules of emotional traffic, there should be zero tolerance for lawlessness. Why not! If there is zero tolerance for breach of our traffic rules and regulations because of the consequence, then the same should apply to emotional traffic. Sadly like the traffic, a lot of people like to find their way out of emotional ‘congestion’ without giving a hoot about the consequences.

  • Why emotional intelligence matters II

    We now live in a world unlike that of any era in history where it’s increasingly easier to be exposed to deceptive ideas or ideology. This era has bestowed upon us the notion of “alternative facts” where truth is skewed to fit into often wrong narratives. It is therefore not surprising that the phrase “post truth” was coined; you are thus free to define “truth” as you deem fit.

    I am of the opinion that when we fail to engage in serious contemplation of life’s dominant issues, we place ourselves and our entire society in a precarious position. This is true because by relinquishing these reins, we bestow on less notable minds the privilege of constructing a worldview for which we might all pay the consequence in the long run.

    In the first part of this article last week, I focused on some traits that an emotionally intelligent leader is expected to possess. This does not however limit emotional intelligence (EI) skills to leaders alone. No; it is a skill meant for everyone which is why it is now a vital skill in being employed by serious organisations bent on making progress and impacting on society.

    The EI leader leads with the heart. Leaders who have passion show their emotions and vulnerability, and they connect with many citizens/ employees on an emotional level, too.  Many leaders are analytical, but if they are just cold and calculating, there may be too much distance between them and their subordinates to truly be on the same team. Even though it wasn’t known then, the late Sir Winston Churchill, Britain’s WWII leader, deployed EI to rally his demoralised countrymen to stand against Nazi dictatorship. Britain and the western powers eventually prevailed in the end. I must add that this doesn’t mean a leader with heart is a pushover or puts up with inappropriate behaviour either, it means addressing a subordinate with warmth. Detached directness without empathy is brutal.

    If a leader is serious all the time, then it creates a very austere environment. Some leaders are afraid to be light, because they want to be taken seriously. It’s usually a sign of insecurity. An EI leader presents balance – he must possess a sense of humour. People tend to work harder and smarter when there is a sense of fun. Morale is linked to productivity, and as a leader, this means to instill a positive energy to the workspace.

    As a leader, there will be crisis when things are not moving forward; this is where confidence moves in. It’s important to not fall into overwhelm or overreact. People look to the leader for cues on how to respond to the circumstances and if a leader is confident while taking care of issues, it will help keep the team feeling the same. Great leadership is about having the confidence to make decisions and not second guess them. Those who inspire others to follow into the unknown, do so possessing self-confidence. Again, the example of Churchill will suffice.

    Intuitive leaders make quick decisions based on a lifetime of accumulated wisdom and understanding. Leading a country/team through new territory, without a map, means everything is uncertain, and the higher the risk, the higher the pressure. Logic is important, but can’t be the only determining factor for making a decision. A leader who trusts his or her gut will take the necessary measures that inspire others to do the same. Former president Barack Obama of the USA did this when he had to make a decision whether to order the raid that killed Osama Bin Ladin in Pakistan. Offered a 60% probability ratio of a successful raid by his security chiefs, he relied on his gut feelings to order the raid after excusing himself and taking a short walk.

    In a study conducted by IBM, 200 CEO’s stated: “Today’s business environment is volatile, uncertain and increasingly complex. Because of this, the ability to create something that’s both novel and appropriate is top of mind.” Not all decisions are cut and dry, it’s about being able to deviate from the set course and look outside of the box for a different option. Collaborative brainstorming with no holds barred can bring an entirely new and creative solution to a challenge. Innovation is the result of creativity. An EI leader, who confidently promotes diverse creative thinking, will arrive by taking quantum leaps that create innovations.

    The Churchill and Obama examples shows that leadership still requires an authority over vision, but it must be intertwined with putting citizens and their needs first. This acknowledgment from leadership creates happier, more productive compatriots and more effective managers – executive, legislative and judicial arms of government.

    In the business world, many organizations with a seemingly endless supply of technical know-how and years of experience continue to struggle because they lack EI. These businesses also encounter difficulty preventing employee turnover. Alternatively, companies with high EI enjoy many advantages, including better team engagement. Teams that feel a negative attachment – or no attachment at all – to team leaders or their teammates disengage and, therefore, fail to capitalise on the inherent benefits of working as a team. EI thus acknowledges the team dynamic and gives everyone a voice.

    Imbibing a “culture” is also of paramount importance. Organisations often talk about how great their company culture is, but without EI, what you think your culture is might differ from what your employees actually feel. Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein write in Humble Leadership: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust, “In our view, leadership is always a relationship, and truly successful leadership thrives in a group culture of high openness and high trust.” Leaders with EI encourage stronger relationships and open communication, which moves people closer to the culture the company likely wants to achieve.

    This is achieved through trusted employees, whose emotions are valued and who aren’t subjected to the negative, unfiltered emotions of their superiors. They produce high performance-driven results. These benefits all have something in common: the enhanced EI leaders have developed produces positive results in their employees. As Robert Johansen writes in The New Leadership Literacies: Thriving in a Future of Extreme Disruption and Distributed Everything, “If leaders are going to thrive in a future of extreme disruption, they must not only manage their own energy, they must encourage, model, and reward positive energy in others.”

    The benefits people and organizations can realise from emotional intelligence are undeniable. The two books I cited above are excellent models of how EI can transform good leaders into great leaders, and how those great leaders can subsequently transform their organizations.

    They mentioned the servant leadership model which emphasises the responsibility of leaders to serve employees instead of the other way around. EI leaders put aside ego and self-promotion to empathise with others, which ultimately builds respect and sets up workers for success. Another, the humble leadership model, details how humility and collaboration fosters trust between leaders and subordinates, to the benefit of the entire organization. Relationships thrive when leaders make the effort to truly understand their employees. EI can provide the backbone of that understanding that strengthens team building, productivity, morale, and more.

    Last Monday in Abuja, President Muhammadu Buhari told then ministers-designate that they must work as a team, stressing that his administration would rely on them to implement policies and programmes to lift Nigerians out of poverty. The president also described as frightening Nigeria’s “looming” population status, which he put at 200 million today but has been estimated by the United Nations (UN) to rise to 411 million by 2050.

    He told them that “working as a team demands that we know what the next person is doing.” He implored his audience to cultivate the team spirit, educating them that even though they have been chosen from their various states in line with the dictate of the constitution, it is necessary for them to work as Nigerians by engaging in open communications as lack of communication leads to sub-optimal performance.

    In a way, he subtly charged them to be emotionally intelligent as they would be responsible for policy development and implementation in their various ministries, departments and agencies in conformity with government priorities.

  • Lizzy Anjorin goes emotional

    Lizzy Anjorin goes emotional

    Yoruba actress, Lizzy Anjorin, who had a successful premiere of her widely publicised movie, ‘Owo Nairabet,’ in Lagos in July, is one actress who has tried to make a success of her career.

    Having been in the news for one controversy or the other, the actress, who celebrates her late mother every year by feeding the less privileged, has decided to tell the story of her journey and how much influence she got from her mother.

    In a series of emotional posts, she recounts the ordeal she had to go through with her homeless mother and how she suffered rejection from the father of her child.

    “I’m locking it down today for Almighty Allah, my late mum and the people that have been patronizing me… In fact yesterday (Sunday) was a joyful day for me and it’s also a day that draws me back to my childhood memories, but I was down since 2am till now, I can’t even attend to people properly because someone is missing. Though nobody knows all this about me except I tell them because I don’t keep friends but today, I’ve be been liberating people on my platform with orisirisi stories but today I am telling you mine; for people to know life is not a bed of rose,” she wrote.

    Recounting how she grew up with her mum alone on the street, she said that it was tough and lonely.

    “It got to a point that I asked my mum the whereabouts of my dad and she told me; you can only meet your dad and his family when you make it in life,” she added.

    She further narrated how she got pregnant but was rejected by the elder brother of the man responsible. His mother then took her to Jos, the capital of Plateau State where she was able to make a life for herself.

    The actress also known for making fine embroidered wears just opened another outlet of her clothing line.

     

  • TSTV’s Pay-Per-View offer: Emotional marketing or sustainable innovation?

    TSTV’s Pay-Per-View offer: Emotional marketing or sustainable innovation?

    Is Pay TV revolution here or is it a mere emotional marketing? TSTV, a multi-channel TV platform, will be launched on Sunday, October 1, Nigeria’s 57th Independence Day.

    The Direct-To-Home (DTH) TV operation will offer Nigerians “comple-mentary internet capacity, smart home, ability to pause subscriptions for a record of seven days every month, video calls and in-built 500GB hard drive… for content storage, video on demand services as well as the regular uninterrupted clean world-class contents available 24 hours every day”.

    According to a statement by the company on its’ website, Nigerians went agog at the news of these offerings and they have been expressing optimism on the new entrant. However, some are skeptical about the exciting offers of TSTV.

     

    Are there threats?

    An Investment Consultant and Public Affairs analyst, Sola Fanawopo,  is not seeing TSTV as a revolution. “TSTV will operate in the low-earner consumer market, and contend with the likes of GOTV and Startimes; TSTV cannot compete with DSTV,” he said.

    His argument was that TSTV does not have premium family content that can compete at the level of DSTV, and that TSTV is modelled to service those who cannot afford premium services.

    He, however, cautioned that the product-promise of the new entrant may turn out to be unrealistic as the company is offering too many for little.

    “If the business model is wrong, and the business could not break-even, it will end up being unsustainable and subscribers would be the losers,” he added.

    Fanawopo submitted that TSTV offering looks more like emotional marketing as the cost of internet data, which TSTV wants to use to its’ advantage, is as expensive as the cheapest Pay TV subscription in Nigeria.

    Consumer Advocacy Foundation of Nigeria Executive Director Sola Salako also shared her concerns on the sustainability of TSTV’s offers.

    She said: “The need for caution arose from the need to be sure that the company can provide the service sustainably, that they have a sustainable business model to run it and that they are protected by regulation.” The consumer right advocate said the new entrant is vulnerable to anti-competition practices as the completion bill is yet to be signed into law by the President.

    Her organisation has been at the forefront of educating Nigerians on the need for the competition bill, particularly via an online medium, Yell Consumers Radio.

    “Nigerians should rise up and speak up for the Competition Bill to signed into law. It will strengthen new entrants and ensure they have sustainable business models,” she said.

    She, however, said more entrants and innovations in the Pay TV sector would translate to more choices for the subscribers.

     

    Who holds the stakes?

    A TV content producer, Tope Alake, observed that TSTV would survive and thrive because the brand is targeting a volume-driven market. According to him, opportunities for content providers as new players come into the Pay TV sector. He complained that the existing multi-channel operators are under-paying content providers and have never given the creative professionals the opportunity to negotiate for better deals.

    “I am very open to TSTV. I also heard that Kwese TV is about to launch. Africans are story tellers and this will give alternatives for storytellers,” said Alake.

    Alake, who directs the movie, “Picture Perfect,” added: “Nigerian producers churn out 70 per cent of contents in Africa, but they are the worst sellers. If we have like six multi-channel platforms, then we can negotiate better deals. This is the revolution we have been waiting for.”

    He concluded that he planned switching to Netflix inext month, but will consider getting a TSTV decoder as well.

    Former President, Independent Television Producers Association of Nigeria (ITPAN), Femi Odugbemi, agreed that the growth of the Pay TV sector will translate to growth for the content providers, flaying the lack of structure in the purchase of contents by Pay TVs.

    “Competition will offer perhaps opportunities to evolve current practices,”he said.

    Odugbemi, who is the producer of the latest Multichoice’s drama series, Battleground however, expressed concern on the sustainability of the Pay TV company, advising that new players must also invest in the human capacity of the creative industry and initiate “more projects not only in drama, but in every genre of contents – sports, general entertainment, game shows, reality shows and musical shows”.

    While it is good for content providers to embrace new opportunities from new players, the veteran producer advised his colleagues to appreciate the long-time investors in the contents industry, who have helped them to build capacity.

     

    Need to celebrate?

    A research and training company based in the United States (US), 602 Communications, defined emotional marketing as messages that build ego, “makes you feel smarter, bolder, and more sophisticated”.

    The pre-launch marketing of TSTV has been in consonance with the yearnings of Nigerians for a pay-per-view multi-channel platform. However, those offerings from TSTV are products of consumer-centric approach to marketing and a good example of design thinking. The erratic power supply in Nigeria has never made Pay TV interesting, as most customers complain that they do not get value from the monthly subscriptions.

    With TSTV, Nigerians would not need to worry about losing out on subscriptions due to power failure, working hours and weather disruptions. Families can even pause the subscription while going on holidays.

    Presently, the brand has got a lot of traction both online and offline, and it remains the latest Pay TV innovation as long as it delivers on the promises. If marketing is about identifying unmet needs, and providing offers to meet such needs, then TSTV has got it right. The revolution goes on television on Independence Day, giving equality in terms of contents, and freedom in terms of payment! Nigerians are celebrating!

  • Pretender to her emotional throne

    Dotun wasn’t even her type of guy but somehow Lauretta put all her affection in his emotional basket. “Till date I just cannot pinpoint when and how I fell in love with him. The only vivid detail I remember about our emotional beginning was that we met at a shopping mall. That day, I had a lot of things to carry and he volunteered to help me take the shopping bags to the car. We met once again at the mall two weeks after and that was how we became friends. For me, he was just like any other guy and I did not plan to have a relationship with him.”

    Perhaps, he wasn’t good looking? “No, that was not the reason at all. When it comes to physical attraction, he was very handsome. Personally, I do not get attracted to men because of their looks. In fact, I try to avoid good looking guys because of the many distractions (from ladies) that they are faced with.

    “When he first broached the idea of a relationship, I turned it down. Then what I felt for him was just friendship, something you feel for a brother. Unfortunately, for me, he just did not give me any breathing space. While I was evasive, he persisted.”

    Her friends actually described him as a ladies’ man and he was. When they met about five years ago, he dated a lot of women and most of the relationship, he confessed, was fairly shallow. But along the line, he realised that what he felt for her was quite different and gradually they became almost inseparable. So what brought about this emotional transformation? you wonder. “There was a day he came to look for me in the office and I was not around. He waited for about two hours and dropped a note for me. Every line was moving and I treasured the note so much. I remember pinning the note to my diary and I read it over and over again.”

    That was the turning point for Lauretta. “I began to notice some of the things I did not see in the past and decided to give him a chance in my life. It was an exciting experience and we had a number of memorable activities together. We had a good life and his company was cherished on a daily basis.”

    He swept her off her feet and just when she thought she had found what she desired, he cross carpeted. “From my emotional hero, he turned out to be a disaster. I began to see that the relationship was all about him and I wanted it to be about me too.”

    The only option was to pull out of this emotional race to save her aching heart. “It was quite painful but the break gave me some direction. I also realised that I had been wasting my time all along. It turned out to be a fruitless emotional journey.”

    Going into the next phase of her life was turbulent.

     

    She poured herself into her career but it was hard forgetting him. “Even though I realised that I had been taken for a ride, I still missed him.  I dated two other guys but I kept comparing what they did with the things I learnt from the one I still loved. My best friend, Ada, noticed what was going on and said I wasn’t satisfied with the other guys because I was still in love with the wrong guy. When she said that, I realised it was the truth and I started crying. In anger, she shouted at me, saying “Why are you crying like a baby, if you do not love that traitor? You need to wake up and move on with your life. There is really no point crying over split milk.”

    Her friend’s words also freed her from the emotional turmoil that she was going through. It also opened her eyes to the fact that she was still in love with Dotun. A couple of weeks back, he had called and apologised, saying he had learnt from his mistake. Perhaps, it was better to look at the possibility of getting back together. So she put a call through to Dotun and happily they were reunited. The two of them realised that they still have areas of disagreements as the months rolled by. Yes, they have come to the realisation that they were always going to have some bumps here and there but there was nobody that they would rather be with. It was therefore better to hang together and make it work, no matter the obstacle in the way.

    Yes, everyone dreams of something good and wonderful. We all have standards and it’s great if we find what we want or something close to the original.

    Like Lauretta, Moyo has been going through some dark patches in her love life.

    Even when she puts in her best, she keeps criss crossing the emotional zone without getting to the proverbial promised land. “I often wonder what is always happening to me. I have discovered that I do not love the people who fall in love with me.” All you need to do is to focus on the good sides of the person who cares about you and make the love idea reciprocal. If you do not move on and make the best of your emotional situation, then you are going to be caught in an emotional cobweb that may lead to depression.

    While some can stick to a particular relationship for so long and do things that would make it look new as the years roll by, there are others who prefer to be adventurous when it comes to matters of the heart.

  • Jumping off the emotional train

    WHAT do you do with love that has gone sour? Usually, it is better to throw it in the trash can before it runs the tummy. That is exactly the way Teju is feeling at the moment. She had just survived an emotional hurricane and just could not fathom where and how she was going to move on. The feeling at this point can be compared to jumping off a moving train, the disaster that would follow is better imagined than experienced.

    Flashback down the emotional memory lane and it looks like the best love story. But along the line, she came to the realisation that the relationship which lasted for two years and four months was filled with ’emotional errors’. The guy she wanted to donate her heart to was a serial cheater.

    Sadly, Teju just had to move on, hoping to find a better heart; one that would not contaminate whatever was left. On her heart, she felt it may just be too hard to start over on a clean slate. The other option, therefore, was to avoid any emotional entanglements for now.

    The emotional pressure she was going through started to affect her work and so she thought of different ways to recover herself.

    A few weeks after, she just could not take her mind off and there was also tension at work. Teju decided to take a break from work and the restaurant in the neighbourhood looked like a great arrangement. A few minutes’ walk down the road, and she was in the right place, relaxed in the serene environment, feeling different. The meal was also great and she waited a little just to get refreshed before going back to work.

    Two jolly good fellows walked in looking as famished as she was and they also had lunch. Once the stomach was sorted out, they talked about some of their recent conquests and escapades. Midway into the conversations, they remember a third friend, Lanre, and the exploits he made when he was part of this team of emotional ‘musketeers’.

    Unfortunately for them, Lanre recently found love and amended his ways. “I just don’t know what is wrong with that guy. How can he lose all his head for one woman? I thought he was stronger than this but he has really disappointed me. Sometimes, when I remember his matter I get really upset. That is why I have stopped thinking about him,” Adamu lamented.

    The bone of contention is the fact that their good friend has ‘repented’. Old things and emotions have simply passed away. “One other thing that he does is that he actually keeps all the money he makes into a joint account with this woman. To make matters worse, is the fact that the alert actually goes to the woman’s phone number. He just cannot do anything without her. Is that really what they call love? Humh….. I am sure that something fishy is going on.”

    The question here is what is wrong with being faithful a hundred per cent. Our friends, however, feel differently and believe that it is better to have a plan B in every arrangement. “That is not how to be faithful at all. I think he is just being a Mugu and I am very sorry for him. I just hope that it won’t be too late before he realises what’s going on.”

    Humorously, Mr. B goes on to talk about a similar experience and how a smarter Alec survived the emotional struggle. “Muyiwa had always been smart from our schooldays. Then about three years ago he met this lady and he became very cool and calm. The first time I met the lady in question, I just did not like her at all. She was very rude and domineering and I told him that he was not likely to go far with that kind of lady.”

    He continued: “For the first time, Muyiwa was visibly angry with me and he told me not to interfere with the relationship because he was in charge. So I left him with this emotional cross and thought this was another lost case. We met at a friend’s party about six months after and we reconciled. It was there that he made me realise that he was not as foolish as I thought. We have a joint account and we use this account to service whatever we need to run the home. I pretend to put all my resources in the account but I have a secret account where all the extras that I make are kept. The strategy, however, is to look and feel helpless financially, so that I can continually to draw from the joint account. This way, I have a robust savings account that she doesn’t know exists.”

    Can you beat that? Well, a lot of women actually get stuck on the road to an amazing relationship, and most times it has to do with a fear of the unknown.

    Lots of women who are afraid of being alone also end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don’t “get it”.

    So you need to identify what you want and if it isn’t there, then there is no point hanging on. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re likely to put up with behaviour you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of being in a relationship.

  • Tomi Odunsi pens emotional note to Eric Arubayi’s wife on birthday

    Tomi Odunsi pens emotional note to Eric Arubayi’s wife on birthday

    Actress Tomi Odunsi, popularly known as Shalewa in the series Tinsel, on May 24th, 2017, wrote a heart-warming birthday message to her best friend, Chinonso Arubayi, (the late Eric Arubayi wife), who also happens to be her birthday mate, with assurance that they will both carry the burden together.

    “Ore mi… My Darlyn Nonso. The past 4months has been the toughest we have ever known in life…but I must say, I am grateful for birthdays without me because God knew you would need those memories for today and forever. My dear Nonso, you are so strong, the strength the God has given during this times has been such a miracle. My dear friend, don’t cry… you shall weep no more. Don’t be afraid, the Lord your God is your strength…You are not alone.”

    She continued, “Eric…see as you come leave am for me, I no gree this one o. You said you will fight till the end and I know you did your best. So we will mudiaga!!! I know you love to watch us like little kids whenever we were all together, I remember you will watch us and shake your head with a smile as we display our childlikeness in front of you…Today we will try, it’s hard… but we will.

    “Birthdays together can’t be the same without you. We love you but she loves you more. Thank God for that sweet child. Thank God for everybody that stood strong for Nonso, Nonso’s family, friends’ especially; your family, friends and loved ones with love and care they stood strong. May God continue to comfort and restore all that is lost.  Nonso, today we will choose to be grateful for what we have left, today you will take a break from the tears, and it is time to joy in the Lord. I love you so much, words can explain.”

  • How to deal with emotional issues

    Hello Harriet, My girlfriend and I have been dating for some years now. I truly love her. My parents took to her from the start. Her parents also accepted me.  At the beginning, it was all love between us. Our relationship was doing just fine.

    We belong to the same religion. Therefore, I pleaded with her to be covering her hair, although she was the type that liked to expose her hair. Surprisingly, she did not disagree with me. I was glad that I finally found my choice.

    She started covering her hair which I appreciated a lot. Things were moving fine between us. A few months later, I called to inform her that I would like to pay her a visit in school. I was surprised that she   replied that I should not visit her. I was confused and worried.

    I couldn’t really understand her reason for saying so. I decided to make the trip out of curiosity. Getting there, she refused to pick my call. I had no other way to reach her than to call her friend who then gave me her house address.

    When I saw my girlfriend, she was cold to me.  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I regretted making the trip.  I travelled back home, feeling highly rejected.

    I decided to inform her parents about the whole incident. They asked me to ignore her attitude. My girlfriend later called, begging that I should pardon her. I accepted her apology, but I suspect that she is hiding something from me. I think there is someone else in her life.

    She has really changed. Before, we used to talk almost every day, expressing our love for each other freely, but now there is this serious communication gap between us. I feel so empty without her.  In all sincerity, I am tired of the relationship, despite the fact that I really have feelings for her.

    Please, I need your help. Thanks.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem. Matters of the heart can be overwhelming inrespective of your gender, age, ethnicity or nationality. Disappointment that you have experienced can happen to anybody, but how you handle your situation is what makes the difference.

    When relationship goes sour, the effect can be devastating.  You will definitely feel the pain most, especially if the person is so close to you. The feeling of being lonely can make life meaningless to some people. In a nutshell, there is the feeling of great lost.

    Therefore, while going through this entire emotion, one is expected to grieve one’s loss. Allow nature to run its course as you go through all the natural process.  Every relationship has its ups and downs, so how prepared are you to face the challenges as they come is a major question. Reading through your story, it is certain that your relationship with your girlfriend has some fundamental issues that were not discussed from the very start.

    Relationship is to be enjoyed not endured, where people learn to appreciate each other’s strength and weakness with effective communication. A good relationship works towards understanding each other and correcting with love. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance to grow.

    Therefore, for a relationship to be successful, both persons must be on the same page or have a common ground, bearing in mind that they are two different personalities with separate expectations, ideologies and values from different backgrounds.

    In your case, for example, your wanted her to start dressing in a certain way. Yes, at the beginning, she made an attempt, but she could not keep to it. Do you want to know why? It is simply because that is not who she is.  Expecting your girlfriend or boyfriend to change her or his personality to suit you can either go the right way or the wrong way.

    Note that everyone has their likes and dislikes, so in a situation when you try to force your likes down your partner’s throat, what you will get in return might be obedience at the initial stage and rebellion later.

    Change can only be successful when the person is in acceptance, which takes us to the fact that you can only change yourself, not your partner because to change your partner is to be in acceptance to tolerate their strengths and weaknesses.

    In addition, it takes two to have a successful relationship. So, it will be nice if you can have a talk with your girlfriend about how you feel. Be open and free to state your observations.  Then, listen to her response before making up your mind, if you still want the relationship or not . If yes, then find a way to make it work together, but if not, move on with your life because it will be better for you to have a broken heart which will heal eventually than to live in pain, regret and end up with a broken home. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved

  • Sola Sobowale gets emotional meeting blind fan ahead of May Ball

    Sola Sobowale gets emotional meeting blind fan ahead of May Ball

    He watched Nollywood actress Sola Sobowale before he lost his sight. But standing during the press briefing to herald this year’s May Ball, an annual fundraising event of the Federal Nigeria Society for the Blind (FNSB) which holds on May 28, 2016 at the Shell Hall, MUSON Centre, Onikan, Lagos, by 5pm, AdediranAdekunlewas happy he was finally meeting her.

    Addressing Sobowale, Adekunle, a student of FNSB’s Vocational Training Centre at Cappa, Oshodi, Lagos State said, “I have a passion for acting. At a certain time, I went to meet YinkaQuadri at Ebutte Metta and I asked him, ‘I want you to act a film concerning the blind people.’ He was with Ogogo (Taiwo Hassan). They looked up me. They first laughed. And I said, ‘is it funny?’ They said, ‘no.’They now said, have I written any script. I said ‘no, I can illustrate the film to them and they would write it.’”

    Responding to cheers from his mate, Adekunle who lost his sight in 2014 said, “being blind is not the end of the world.”

    And going emotional, he continued, “Mrs Sola Sobowale, I once saw you before I got blind in 2014 and I know you’re a very good actress. I would like you to feature me or other people in one of your films. I want you to write a film concerning the blind people. And I’m looking forward to see that.”

    With Sobowale engaging Adekunle, he disclosed his love for her.

    “It is a great opportunity,” he said. “Even though I can’t see you, I feel your concern.”

    The teary-eyed actress who became emotional hugged Adekunle and promised the film will happen. Earlier, she had said that her stay in London made her realise Nigerians do not take care of the less privileged.

    Also in attendance at the press briefing were  Chairman Federal Nigeria Society for the Blind (FNSB), Asiwaju Fola Osibo, Vice Chairman FSNB, Mrs Folashade Adefisayo, Project Coordinator for the May Ball event FNSB; Adeola Obagun and Ex- Student FNSB; Rasaq Adekoya as well as students and staff of the Vocational Training Centre. The May Ball, a major fund-raising event, holds annually on the last Saturday in May. Tickets for this year’s edition cost N20, 000 per person and are available on www.nigsocblind.org.

    According to the organisers, this year’s event is themed Masked May Ball whereby everyone is expected to wear masks while the colour code is black and white with a dash of red. There will also be a fashion show where Adire materials and crafts done by the students would be showcased, a celebrity auction (where celebrities are auctioned off, for the highest bidder to win a blind dinner date for two with the celebrity) and a raffle draw to win exotic gifts.

    “May Ball is our flagship event at which we gather for an evening to celebrate our generous sponsors and showcase our courageous students,” said Osibo.

    Aside Sobowale, other artistes lending their support to the event include renowned producer Cobhams Asuquo, Stephanie Okereke Linus, Odunlade Adekola, Funke Akindele and others.

    Founded in 1955, the Vocational Training Centre has rehabilitated over 2,500 blind men and women and integrated back into the society.

  • Better to be the emotional thermostat

    Looking for a partner? Yes, that is the feeling for many out there. The desire at this point is to magnetise that dream man or woman. The expectation is also usually very high. First of all, we look for the perfect image; someone who looks good and has a good carriage. For lovebirds that are lucky, they find the kind of soul mate that they desire but unfortunately for them, they later discover that the emotional search has only just begun. This is because a great face and good physical attributes do not necessarily translate into a great heart.

    Relationship problems are hardly anything that we want to experience in our relationships, but they are an inevitable part of spending time with another person. The crux of the matter here is that nobody is really perfect and it’s impossible for anyone to actually be perfect. And, realistically, why would you want to be with someone who is or appears to be? There’s no growth and learning that comes out of that. Life like love is indeed a learning curve; a combination of the good, the bad and the ugly. You try, try and try again.

    Patiently, you can get the other person to see the bad spots and together make a difference. When we tend to have the desire to want to “change” our partner forcefully, then there would be some resentments or confusion. Our action here stems from this inner desire to control the other person. It’s rooted in the thinking that “they” are the ones who need to change and not ourselves.

    This is a distorted belief that stems from our ego (fear-based mind), which blocks us from truly experiencing real genuine love. So it is important for us to be willing to recognise our own desires to control or change your partner and set the intention to let it go whenever it comes up.

    Even when your heart is not in control, you just have to be smart and not become a desperado. Solomon loved Aderinola so much and like the thermometer, all he did was to monitor the emotional temperature from time to time. Unfortunately, the lover boy was not in control. In a relationship, it is better to function like the thermostat and not the thermometer (mugu) if you must be in control.

    The thermostat senses the temperature so that the system’s temperature is maintained near a desired set point. The thermostat does this by switching heating or cooling devices on or off, or regulating the flow of a heat transfer fluid as needed, to maintain the correct temperature. Modern thermostats interestingly are almost exclusively digital, but in the past what we had were non-digital thermostat.

    To love someone means to accept the other person for who they truly are – flaws and all. Even the heart that you so desperately crave forgets to say happy birthday, waste money or things you do not like or talks too much in public, you just have to love him or her. Unfortunately, a lot of people find it so hard to accept the other heart this way. They argue and argue over the same things all the time. Instead of getting the change they desire, the other heart gets hardened and gradually they begin to fall apart.

    A school of thought actually describes love as a battlefield, but anyone with emotional wisdom and skill would know how to maneuvre the emotional process without stress. Once you master the ‘tricks’, you would also be able to help others get through their emotional challenges. On your finger tips would be skills of how to cure a broken heart, make someone jealous, or just ease your own loneliness,

    If you want to be successful in your relationship, it is better to always look at the pros and cons of every decision you take or intend to take. If the outcome is good, then we all smile but if it is the other way round, then it is important to think of alternatives that you give that soft landing desired.

    For instance, when you choose to date or marry someone, you’re not necessarily choosing the person. Rather, you’re choosing the problems that you want to deal with that emerge in your relationship with that person.

    Let’s face it: When we’re in a relationship problems are inevitable. No matter how hard we try we simply just can’t avoid them. When we’re with one person the problems may be much more challenging and difficult than with another person – but it doesn’t meant that there aren’t any. It’s simply the bye-product of being in a relationship.

    Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, states that 69% of the problems that we deal with in our relationships are never solved. What determines whether the couple stays together or not relies on whether both people are able to accommodate and accept the traits and characteristics of their partner that irritate them.

    Seeing that statistic can be pretty disheartening, but it can also be empowering, because it shows the importance of taking personal responsibility. We have the power to control our own behaviour, actions and reactions. And we have a choice as to how we want to behave and even if we want to be in a relationship with a person with that one trait that drives you crazy.