The Nation Newspaper

Tag: emotional

  • Recycle your emotional waste

    Garbage in, garbage out. This naturally means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This perhaps talks about the ideal situation in love; the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’s song: ‘When somebody loves you back.’ He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors, as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response is even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal, but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

    Yet no reply and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here, for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over.” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this. She had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy, he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead, and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part. He did that just in time and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that; all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts, but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river, you cannot force anyone to love you. If love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • Juliet Ibrahim’s emotional moments with a stranger

    Juliet Ibrahim’s emotional moments with a stranger

    She might come across as someone whose stock in trade is all about glamour but, believe it or not, Nollywood/Ghollywood actress, Juliet Ibrahim, has got a humanitarian side to her life. So, it came as a little surprise when the actress recounted her experience with a homeless stranger recently.

    While going home one evening, she came across someone sleeping on the ground with his face and all parts of his body covered.

    She said via her Instagram handle: “I stood there for about two minutes and decided to take a picture of him and make fun with it with my friends on social media. I walked a minute away from him and started thinking outside the box. I came to my senses and started asking myself questions. Is the one sleeping there not a human being like me? What of if I wake up the next day and find out something bad has happen to him? Then I remembered what the scripture says about the Good Samaritan.

    “And I asked myself can’t I also be a Good Samaritan? I turned and went straight to wake him up. He humbly sat down on his mat and I saw his face. At that time he was still feeling sleepy so I couldn’t ask so much questions. After a short conversation, I realised he was also an able-body who is also contributing to the development of our dear Mother Ghana one way or the other.

    “We went home and we slept on one bed and, early in the morning, he narrated every minute in his life to me and it was very emotional, so we were both crying. I told myself that it is not only the one that came from same mother’s womb that is a brother or a sister, but provided he or she is human being. I’m in a single room alone, so I asked him if he was working and he said yes and I again ask him if he would like to stay with me for a while and he said yes. We ate in the morning and I asked him to go and bring his belongings.

    “We are very good brothers now and we do everything together. We’ve both visited each other’s home towns to see our parents and there have been love since then. #makelovehappen.”

  • The emotional world in your pocket

    AKINSOLA sat in the reception waiting for his friend and schoolmate. His heart was in a state of turmoil and he had not slept for days. Suddenly, his attention shifted to the movie on the television screen and he became relaxed. He watched for a few minutes and fell asleep; slept like a baby, and by the time he woke up, he felt better and different. Akinsola is about 29 years old and his heart had literally been to hell and back many times.

    Apart from the emotional tales, his personal story is also heartbreaking. At different points, he had had to take breaks from all kinds of losses. From the loss of his beloved mother, to the loss of a promising career, loss from friends who were ever ready to exploit him, as well as the loss of three promising relationships. Oh dear! Where did he really go wrong? What did he do or didn’t do right? Is there really hope for this endangered heart? Those were the questions that kept riveting in his mind when he escaped briefly to ‘slumber’ land.

    Sleep is an essential part of life. It is a phase no one can ever ignore and it is necessary to be fit, alert and healthy. It is obviously the end process for our daily activities and after the daily activities, it is essential to have a good night rest. This, naturally, ushers in a fresh day and the energy used up the previous day is replenished.

    You can, therefore, imagine what would happen to a heart that never sleeps. We also need to note that depriving yourself of sleep can be for positive reasons. Here, there may be something that you want to change and so you may need to work round the clock to meet your targets. This compares to a city that never sleeps; a place that is filled with activities, where social and economic life go on round the clock with lots of fun in the air. Certainly, it must be a commercial nerve centre and a place where there would be something for everyone. Here, it is possible to get attention, quick money as well as fame. The only sacrifice you may need to make from time to time is to deprive yourself of sleep.

    Of course, you can be sure that in this city, your goals would be met in a short while. You would also be smiling to the physical and emotional bank from time to time. Determination, dedication and perseverance obviously would help you drive through the city and conquer its assets as long as you can over stretch yourself.

    But the big question here is, how far you can stretch yourself (heart)? Life and love, interestingly, are elastic, ever willing to expand and allow you achieve your dreams. However, when you stretch it beyond the limits, it cuts off and that is when things fall apart. When you overstretch your emotional boundaries, what you run into may not be pleasant at all. Bad! And when you have the guts to take a closer look, you would be shocked to find a heart that is decaying.

    All efforts put in obviously were to fill in the gaps for others. You may have put in so much and obviously got so little in return. Those sleepless nights, nights of toiling, may have left nothing but worries, heartaches, a belly filled with animosity, despair and eye bags. On the surface, it looks like a dream come true, but deep down you know that it is all a mirage. There is a big hole in your emotional heart and it is getting deeper because you are the only one who can feel the emptiness within.

    Isn’t love about sharing? Perhaps, you thought that toiling for love would make things better and conquer the restless heart that caught your fancy. Now that things are not working according to the emotional plan, is it better to chicken out and tell the world that this isn’t love after all? In your mind, you may just come to the conviction that no one is ever going to understand what you feel or what you are going through. After all, experts would tell you that it is indeed a selfish world and only those who are stingy with their emotions appear to have the emotional world in their pockets. Determination to conquer against the many odds is, therefore, the reason for clinging to the ‘sleepless’ philosophy alone.

    This probably explains why many hearts prefer to toil round the emotional clock believing they would win the bold and the restless heart with time. Their desire usually is to change the mindset of the rebellious heart, then tame their emotional tigers and swing the emotional pendulum positively in their direction. Once in a while, your heart and body just cannot take it anymore and then you find yourself in the land of dreams. What a great relief! Unfortunately, that is not the feeling here and for a heart that has been deprived of sleep for a while, it revolts snoring angrily in return. This brings more provocation and this result is a nightmare. It would take you back to your sleepless state and if you are not careful, crash to emotional pieces.

  • Two sides of emotional coin

    We all like to talk about great emotional exploits, the forever-happy tales and tales of new hearts that have just been conquered. But this is just one side of the emotional coin. The other side which a lot of us like to sweep under the carpets features the intrigues, treachery and blackmail which are the strategies that help a greater number of people to survive in this highly competitive environment.

    While the exciting side of the emotional coin can be compared to that delicious and appetising menu, the other unsavoury side compares to the vomit. It is unpleasant in all ramifications of the word.

    So, the big question is why do people who should know better end up being victims of the emotional vomit? you ask. The truth of the matter is that to be a complete heart, you must taste the two sides of the emotional coin. Allison’s heart has been in and out of the emotional tunnel and, at a point, he felt he just needed a change of environment to get his sanity.

    “I relocated to a new neighbourhood about six months ago and I ran into an ex-girlfriend. I was so excited with the connection and in a short while old flames were re-ignited,” recalls Allison.

    He continued: “I thought she was the answer to all my emotional misfortunes and started to build a new future together again. Unfortunately for me, I did not know that she had another motive. One day, I went to work and left her at home. When I came back home about five hours later, I realised that she had moved out with not just her belongings but everything I had laboured for all my life.”

    Like Allison, Dotun is also a victim of an emotional vomit. For about two weeks, Dotun could not eat, drink or work properly. His body, soul and mind were in disarray because the girl he loved so much dumped his heart in the garbage. This made him a shadow of his former self and he is sick.

    Dotun is in bad shape and he keeps on vomiting. His younger sister gave him some medication and he felt better afterwards. By the time he got better, he realised that he was feeling very hungry, and to make matters worse, there was nothing to eat in the house. As he walked towards the bathroom, he saw the content he has vomited earlier on but sadly it had been polluted. This certainly cannot be consumed again, no matter how it is presented.

    Vomiting is the involuntary, forceful expulsion of the contents of one’s stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose. This can be caused by a wide variety of conditions; it may present as a specific response to ailments like gastritis or poisoning, or some disorders ranging from brain tumours and elevated intracranial pressure to overexposure to ionising radiation.

    Interestingly, you can compare a failed relationship to these reactions. Going back to an ex, therefore, means going to an emotional vomit. It has become stale, offensive and unattractive. Why on earth would you want to go after emotion that should be flushed down the drain, why would you waste your time and energy pursuing something that once gave you nausea, why would you stuff your heart with something that stinks? Or why would you upset your stomach with an expired content?

    The truth of the matter is that emotional vomits, most times, are not worth going after. You can be sure that whoever or whatever situations that make them represent themselves have some ulterior motives.

    It is only a few relationships that enjoy a smooth experience and become a reference point for others. The normal process is to run into a few bumps on the emotional corridor, rediscover your potentials and see if you can still make it down the road.

    Usually you can be successful when you recognise the problems and challenges ahead of time. From this point, you get better when you have found lasting solutions to the problems threatening your emotional existence.

    You will definitely have a much better chance of getting past them once the answers have been found.

    Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love lives going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround.

    They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counselling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.

    After six years, Deborah’s heart began to melt for affection. She also became desperate to settle down and have children with the new guy who found his way stylishly into her heart.

    Good News! Again, she was in a one-sided show and this dude just wasn’t ready for any emotional trap. On his part, Soji was just not ready to settle down and it was obvious that she was wasting precious time and emotional energy. For the records, he had repeatedly put off the wedding plans twice and this was the third attempt at making this marital dream a reality.

    Age was also not on his side and she began to wonder why he was being elusive at this stage. The chic in question was also intelligent, beautiful and hardworking. Now, he has suddenly cancelled all the arrangements, saying that he is just not ready for a serious relationship.

  • Reckless on the emotional turntable

    HOW and why did she finally find herself in this situation? Well, that is the question Memuna has been asking herself in the past three days? She went out with a friend last night but her heart was still not in place. The idea was to help resuscitate this dying heart and on the way back home, she fell into a ditch. Every strand on her hair was in a mess, her clothes, shoes and accessories all in a state. When she got back to the house, she had a good wash but the stench was still there. Then she it crossed her mind that she was experiencing the same kind of decay within. Her heart was in pain too and the more she tried to get out of this emotional bullshit the more frustrating things were for her.

    “I just couldn’t really fathom where I lost it all. Was it really my fault or was he the architect of our emotional misfortune? Yes, he was the one who messed it all up but I should have forgiven him. Cheating is almost a way of life for men and I don’t think I should have nailed him to the cross for behaving just like others. Now that I am wiser it’s sad that I just cannot reverse the situation. He messed up and I threw him away. In a short while, another lady grabbed and rescued him from the emotional garbage. The result was that I had lost the one that I really love and it is unlikely that I will ever find a heart like this again.”

    Too bad! What a hard way to learn. Our dear friend should have known that men are a mass of jumbled emotions just as much as we are, and their biggest dream for love is to be totally accepted for who they are. When Sophia met Dotun, she wasn’t really ready for a serious relationship. She was so young and thought she still needed some time to play around before settling down. “On the other hand, Dotun was very excited about the relationship. He was ready to give up everything he had just to have me. But somehow I just did not feel comfortable about the arrangement at all. My friend thought I was stupid for letting what others would have grabbed with both hands go. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t in love with him, there was no point patching up when I knew that it wasn’t going to work.”

    It was quite obvious that things weren’t going to work out. But if what you are feeling is mutual then you have to make it work. Some people, however, take the other person for granted and just when they think that everything is under control they lose out. It is therefore important to be in charge as well as make sure that you don’t lose the person you are meant to be with forever through your emotional recklessness.

    Sometimes, it is only when we lose what we have that we begin to cherish and appreciate them. You don’t have to fall off the emotional cliff to realise that what you once had compares to a gemstone. However, it is actually easy to survive this emotional disaster, if you’re not genuinely in love with this old flame. Naturally, you are likely to be telling yourself that it was indeed good riddance to this emotional garbage.

    If you feel like she’s a friend, and you don’t have the “tingles” when you’re with her and you don’t care if she calls or if you see her, then it would be easy to cross over this emotional red carpet. In that situation, there isn’t ANY part of you that wants more. You’re probably looking for the woman you really want to show up, and are just “making do” with the pretty face in front of you now.

    Sometimes if the ingredient of love is available, all that is required is a good emotional chef. If you find the right person to do the job then it would be fun all the way. Unfortunately, many actually miss it at this point. They are usually bugged down by the fear of the unknown, which ultimately kills the dreams that would have taken them up the emotional ladder forever together. Mediocrity? Maybe, and this actually stops many of us from getting what we want.

    The big question that we need to ask ourselves at this point is how we use fear the way it’s meant to be used. You are in charge of the emotional arena when you make use of fear as a red flag and a warning. This way you are protected and guided from emotional distractions and disasters. Once you understand how to do this, then you can be sure that it wouldn’t ruin or get in the way of your true happiness. Interestingly, this is an issue therapists and authors have been dealing with for centuries.

  • Beating about the emotional bush

    WHAT would life have been like if she did not meet Phillip? That was the question on her mind. That guy turned her emotional miscalculations to a positive change. He brought her heart out of the emotional rubble and repositioned her on an emotional height she never imagined was going to be ever possible again. He thought it was going to be a worthwhile experience.

    “I met Phillip about eight months ago when I went to see my cousin in the office. He was introduced casually to me and I almost did not notice him because he was not my type of guy. But somehow the guy liked me and he took my number from my cousin. He called and kept calling and I felt he was a distraction at that point. At a point, I told my cousin to help me get rid of him and the way he persisted.“

    When he refused to give up, Omowunmi threatened to block his number from her phone. “It was at this point that my cousin came around and sat me down to talk about this situation. He told me that I was beating about the bush and waiting for a guy who was not interested in me to take me to the altar. He also warned that if I finally succeeded in achieving this dream, it wasn’t certain that it was going to last because the gentleman whose heart I longed for had his heart in many emotional pies. I disagreed with him and argued that my dear Sumbo was only being distracted and that at the appropriate time he was going to come back to me. I went on to try to sound convincing, arguing that all we needed was time. I broke into tears and my cousin tried to console me, saying that the tears were part of the uncertainty that I had about the future with Sumbo.

    “For me, it was indeed a heart opener and a lot of the burden in my mind came out and I was relieved. It was at that point that I made up my mind to move on and give Phillip the opportunity he had been crying for. In a short while, I discovered that he was a very sincere person and not the type that liked to be pretentious about his feelings. I was the only woman in his life and the previous relationship he had ended about two years before we met. He also had a wonderful family who appreciated me so much.”At this point, she realised that she had been beating about the emotional bush for so long, it looked as if love had finally eluded her.

    At a point, she finally found what she thought she was looking for in Sunmbo, the guy who captured her heart and held her captive for about two years. Just when she thought she had found what she was looking for, she came to the realisation that he was a Casanova.

    A heart filled with roses? Yes, that had always been her dream; a desire to be a modern day Cinderella or Snow white.

    Sumbo was exactly what Omowunmi had been searching for all her life. Interestingly, the encounter was a chance meeting. On that fateful day, she was going to the salon to retouch her hair which was long overdue. Suddenly, she remembered that she forgot to pick her relaxer and she decided to stop over at the supermarket to pick one.

    As she stepped into the premises, she bumped into this handsome dude who was just starring at her. ‘Nonsense, can you just move out of the way? ‘ she muttered. Not moved, he assisted her to pick her bag and get herself together. A very close encounter and she was disturbed further, but somehow Sunmbo was cool and calm. “At that point, I wondered what he was up to and quickly moved out of his way. In my heart I kept wondering if he was a fraudster, a miracle or was it just love at first sight? He came back and it was apologies galore. As he helped her to carry her things out to the car she felt something leap in her heart. She left for the salon thinking it was all over but Sumbo drove ahead and parked in a corner watching her gesticulations and every move. He liked what he saw and decided he wanted a relationship with her.

    When Omowunmi finished in the salon, she drove back home tired. The most important thing she wanted was a good sleep. To her utmost surprise, the guy she bumped into at the supermarket was right beside her at the doorstep. Was she going to shout for help from her neighbours or allow her emotional instinct to take over? Well, she took the latter option and that was how the relationship started and got really groovy. For about two years, he treated her like an idol. A lot of her friends were wistfully envious of these two lovebirds and the way they projected their relationship to others. On her part, Omowunmi was also a very beautiful lady with the right curves. She was very faithful with her dude. Of course, there was a constant deluge of propositions but no one was able to lure her away from her dear Sumbo. Conversely, Sumbo’s heart was not stable, it moved in so many directions and that ruined everything they built together.

  • Coat of emotional colours

    ANYONE can do anything with a million dollars. But it takes more than money to make something out of nothing”. This quote naturally tells us that we can do some much and execute lots of ideas when we have moneys. Dreams and ideas naturally translate to reality when we have money and resources to carry them out.

    Money, companionship, opportunities are usually possible when the mega bucks abounds. Without this then we are talking about a life being compared to that of the rag. Poor, ragged, empty and worthless condition. But in the midst of physical and emotional poverty you can metamorphose to another state.

    From experience many would tell you that nothing good comes easy. You really need to be put great effort into the love nest to make it work. This brings to mind the rags to riches phrase and it takes you from obscurity and emptiness to your hearts desire.

    Yes, we all agree that money is indeed a mean to certain ends but there are so many other factors that must blend together to achieve a successful outcome. If this is not done then the resources that should matter would obviously go down the drain.

    The crux of the matter here is that money on its own cannot move mountains whether for physical, emotional and other ends.

    In Dolly Partons, song, ‘Coat of many colours the lyrics talks about a box rags in the season of her youth. A box of rags naturally suggests a collection of something useless, old, garbage, something awful and obviously something many would love to dissociate with.

    Instead of looking at the odds the young girl and her mother decided to make the best out of nothing. Parton’s mother put the rags of many colours to use. Even though every piece was small, her mother sewed the rags together with passion and love. There was no money and her little girl needed something to keep her warm. This naturally would be a time when issues of love and romance would be at the peak.

    This led to the creation of a coat of many colours. Of course, a coat is for comfort, protection and warmth .This basically are the things required in a relationship which can make or mar the relationship.

    Even though the material used was weak and worthless, the maker of the coat reproduced something worthwhile with love. To support this show of motherly love her mother related this to the biblical Joseph’s coat of many colours. Her dream was for the coat to bring her daughter good luck and happiness and she blessed it with a kiss. On her part Little Dolly just couldn’t wait to wear it.

    Even though her friends laughed at her rags, she wore it with great pride.

    “Although we had no money I was rich as I could be in my coat of many colors. So with patches on my britches holes in both my shoes in my coat of many colors I hurried off to school Just to find the others laughing I couldn’t understand it for I felt I was rich and I told them of the love my momma sewed in every stitch but they didn’t understand it and I tried to make them see that one is only poor only if they choose to be”.

    This applies to our emotions too. Most times what we are left with are emotional rags. Things that make us cry each time we look back from here we are coming from and where we finally find ourselves. Instead of having our emotions lined with rich fabrics like lace, silk, cotton, velvet or linen that is sweet to behold, you are overwhelmed with rags that are no longer attractive. The most important thing you need to forge ahead is not the rags or the lace of emotions. The crucial thing that is going to see you through the affectionate lane is your attitude. You have to develop the right attitude all the time, it would be the only tonic required to make it a successful emotional journey.

    There are different steps to take in order to make your relationship wax stronger no matter the odds that comes your way. First you have to be sure that the feeling you are experiencing is love and that this feelings are mutual. Once this is ascertained then you can move on to the next stage which entails showing love to each other.

    This will help to maintain and increase the loving feelings that you have for one another. Unfortunately, it is not everyone who knows how to express such feelings properly. Sometimes, what you think is going to help project your love may just turn out to be a turn off for the person that you are desperately trying to impress.

    Conversely, not expressing love can also hurt the bond you share with your partner in a terrible way. So if you are trying to work out a successful relationship, then you must be committed to your partner’s emotional well-being, even when it isn’t easy. This means sharing affection with your partner, through good times and bad, when it’s most needed and when it’s least expected.

    This task is usually easy when you are the romantic type. Romance is essential to have at least some of the time. Candles, candlelight, compliments, romantic bubble baths, and romantic dinners are good ideas. So it is wise to try to inject a romance into some of the things you do and how you relate with the one you love.

  • Keep the emotional flag flying

    A brand new pair of shoe, wrist watch and a bag can really be a delight. It would surely look good and you just want to hold onto it forever. But as the days, months and years roll by the feeling changes. It’s either you still have some feelings towards this treasure or you want to give it out and need a replacement. Interestingly, this also happens to our emotional treasures. When you first fell in love with that prince charming, you couldn’t take your eyes off the dude. You must have had sleepless nights, thinking about him but gradually the degree of emotions has fallen from the love heights you used to share together. Now, as we test your heart for romantic vibes, it’s almost zero.

    Romance is essential and you need to make it work. It can be maintained by bringing in things that you know that your partner cherishes to bring back the memories. Candlelight, compliments, romantic bubble baths, showers, and romantic dinners are good ideas. You can keep your emotional flag flying at a great altitude if you inject a little romance into some of the things you do and some of the places you go.

    That is why the foundation you lay for the relationship is very important. You need to discuss and plan for the future of your dream. This can be done during courtship or during a specially packaged honeymoon. Even though the tradition of a honeymoon following nuptials has changed from its original meaning, it still has a wonderful role to play.

    Northern European history describes the abduction of a bride from a neighbouring village. It was imperative that the abductor, the husband-to-be, take his bride-to-be into hiding for a period of time. His friends assured his and her safe keeping and kept their whereabouts unknown. Once the bride’s family gave up their search, the bride groom returned to his people. This folkloric explanation presumably is the origin of today’s honeymoon, for its original meaning meant hiding.

    The Scandinavian word for honeymoon is derived, in part, from an ancient Northern European custom in which newlyweds, for the first month of their married life, drank a daily cup of honeyed wine called mead. The ancient practices of kidnapping the bride and drinking the honeyed wine date back to the history of Atilla, king of the Asiatic Huns.

    So that leaves us with the question of where the “moon” in the word “honeymoon” originated from. One piece of folklore relates that the origin of the word “moon” comes from a cynical inference. To the Northern Europeans the term referred to the body’s monthly cycle and, its combination with honey, suggested that not all “moons” of married life were as sweet as the first.

    For many, this certainly should be a happy, peaceful time for lovebirds to relax and celebrate the new union. Unfortunately, we also find a number of stories where honeymoon vacations have resulted in horrifying tragedies, affecting one or the two lovebirds.

    Unfortunately, this was not the case for Shrien and Anni Dewani. Instead of the romantic happy-ever ending scenario, it’s been tales of honeymoon murder and demands for extradition of the culprit by the family of the one that was killed. Here, an Indian origin businessman, Shrien, is accused of plotting the murder of his wife during their honeymoon.

    Anni Dewani was shot when a taxi in which the couple was travelling was hijacked in the Gugulethu township near Cape Town. She was found dead in the back of the abandoned vehicle with a bullet wound to the neck. Dewani and the driver were said to have been ejected from the car before Anni was driven away and killed.

    Why would this 33-year-old plot to kill his Swedish-born Indian wife in South Africa? Did he suddenly discover that he did not really love her? Or could it be that he suddenly ran into an old flame and thought it was better to extinguish this new flame instead?

    On his part, Shrien has denied any involvement in his wife’s murder and was seeking to delay his extradition on account of his mental health. So, he has been excused from appearing in court, having been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. Now that the drums of justice to avenge this injustice have been heard, the man runs for cover with the ‘insanity excuse’. He is to be extradited from Britain to South Africa to stand trial.

    This love story, unfortunately, contrasts sharply with the next story yours truly ran into recently. Surprisingly, the second story is about two oldies trapped in love nest and happy to be emotionally tied together for so long. Instead of looking for faults, getting tired of the other and complaining about wrinkles and fat in odd places, they showed love to one another in mega doses till the end. A Californian couple born on the same day and married for 75 years recently died one day apart. Helen and Les Brown died on July 16 and 17 respectively, both aged 94.

    For those who had a close encounter with them as well as monitored their relationship, theirs was always described as, ‘a wonderful blessing’. They were full of love and passion. The couple who shared the same birthday of December 13, 1918 actually eloped in 1937 after they met in high school.

    That was not all there was to the quintessential romance. They were also fun-loving and beautiful people. This confirmation was made by their eldest son, Les Brown junior, who sums it all this way: “It was a real love match. They were together every day for 75 years.”

  • Tracking your emotional rainbow

    CHASING shadows? Yes, that unfortunately is what a lot of people experience in their relationships. On the other hand, it feels better when your feeling bring ecstasy, sweet memories and some fantasy. A colourful relationship can therefore be compared with the rainbow which ushers you into a breath of fresh air.

    The seven rays are forces emanating from the white light. They are perpetually vibrating and encircling the globe in streams of endless energy. The rainbow represents a bridge, depicts a new era, as well as symbolises peace, love and freedom.

    Emotionally, we respond to colours as they fit the time of day or year. Lack of sunlight can cause mood swings, depression and low energy level. You appreciate the combination in the rainbow and you understand what some of the colours stand for. For instance, blue is the colour of distance and you can relate this to the oceans, skies and the heavens.

    The energy of blue helps us to hook beyond the immediate environment, expanding our perceptions towards the unknown. As we swing to yellow you get entangled with the sun and its life-giving and sustaining energy. Yellow enriches, lightens and activates many of the systems of the body. Are you fascinated with the colours? Well, there is still a lot of excitement for you as you track your emotional rainbow. Red gives vitality, orange brings creative energy while green strikes a balance with nature. As you soar higher and higher, you are likely to hit the Indigo mark ushering you to the realm of fulfillment and satisfaction. Indigo amplifies the energy of blue in a profound way, taking you through the mature levels as you move around majestically in love. At this point you must be ready to stretch your emotional luck with violet. Violet is the highest and most subtle specialisation of light, being at the opposite end of the colour spectrum to red.

    For many who have seen the rainbow in their relationship, it is indeed a dream come true. Cynics may ask what the big deal is. A lot! It brings your emotions to a full circle as well as take you to the next phase of the relationship. That is no wonder to me, in a world where we have been raised to believe that things or people make us happy. We have been conditioned to think that we can only feel good when we get a new dress, a new car, a new lover, a new baby, a new house, and that the degree of joy is dictated by the object(s).

    For instance, you can only feel so good while shopping for new accessories, which is a different level of pleasure from being with a lover. So, not only do we need something or someone outside of ourselves in the first place, but even when we get them, we limit our degree of happiness based on the object or person. When what you have is sure then you find happiness radiating all over. But when all you get is uncertainty, the rainbow in your life fizzles out.

    If you are at this stage, then you need to ask yourself certain questions about your relationship. Is it worth dying for? Are you with someone you can vouch for, no matter the odds? Someone who is ever ready to give excuses or that emotional dry bone, the type that would let you down at the slightest provocation?

    There are a number of ways to assess your relationship from time to time. This way you would be able to understand the challenges, prospects as well as identify how to solve some of the knotty emotional problems that you are going through.

    One way to do this is to reflect on his or her self-worth to see if it is a partnership that you cherish. By doing this, you are likely to notice the thoughts, feelings and sensations that come from within clearly.

    Next, you can allow your discoveries to be in the background without being judgmental in anyway. You can now go on to place some form of attention on these perceptions about your ‘sweetheart’ to actually determine if what’s vibrating in your heart is really sweet or not. Here you would start to do the evaluations and see if the ’emissions’ are good, bad, indifferent or poisonous.

    If what you feel is frustration, hatred and anger then you can be sure to notice blaming and limiting thoughts. You can go on to take a deeper search and it is at this point that you would discover that your relationship is heading for the rocks. Being on the brink can bring a lot of confusion in your mind and you certainly aren’t going to help matters this way.

    So, all that your heart would be riveting around would be his or her shortcomings or character defects. The crux of the matter is that what you give is what you get in any relationship. We need to come to the understanding that unless with an abusive or chemically dependent partner, our perception of the other party is actually a reflection of our efforts at creating and recreating love.

    Like a mirror, the other person is going to give you back what you dole out in good measure. Most times, when we take an inventory of our partner’s defects, it is indeed a sure sign that we are avoiding responsibilities for what we have created or brought out in the other person. Even if we cannot change the character of the person we have fallen in love with, we can actually improve on the quality of love and loving that we finally get.

  • Race against the emotional time

    RUNNING a race implies that you are strong and fit. You have a goal and there is a time frame in mind. It is usually short and the ability to get to the terminating point victories makes it worthwhile. This is what usually happens in a lot of relationships. There are different things contesting for a particular heart and the ‘swiftest’ takes it all. But in trying to be swift, you must be sure that you don’t crash or crash the heart (s) in the process.

    Let’s run the emotional race and see how it really works. Tope had to attend to three emergencies and she feels really happy that she had the energy to tackle the stress. Now it was time to go home to rest her head and aching heart. The consolation was that life and love were bright.

    About twenty minutes from home, she noticed that there was disaster ahead. A tanker was burning and it was loaded with fuel. Two other tankers were ahead of her and it was a close shave indeed. In her real elements, she would not have dared the flames but everyone in front of her decided to take the risk, move on and she joined the bandwagon. Yes, time was far spent and the thought of running into a bunch of hoodlums was equally scary.

    Anything could have happened; they could all have been burnt to death but somehow they escaped. The fire worsened and the other motorists behind were not so daring. Instead of rushing ahead, they made a u-turn, at least it was better late than never. The reality of what had just happened dawned on her when she saw the driver of the tanker running and running away for his dear life. She moved faster too, trying to get far away from the fury of the fire and the vicinity.

    What if the tanker (s) exploded and consumed everyone? Wasn’t it better to have taken a longer route and be sure that the danger you exposed yourself to be this bad? Interestingly, this scenario can be applied to our relationships. A lot of times, we discover that the relationships that we are hurriedly getting into are ‘disaster prone’. Sometimes, we assume that time is no longer on our side and just anybody or anything would do.

    We are so eager to make sacrifices that may not be understood or appreciated. In the heat of passion, we also fall prey to emotional predators that never planned for emotional bliss in the first place.

    They actually planned to have a very memorable and eventful outing. But somewhere along the line, the arrangement did not work out as planned. Instead of fixing the many holes their hearts had been subjected to they were forced to help others find their emotional feet, build new relationships as well as encourage those who were treading peaceful on the affectionate lawn.

    Unfortunately for these two lovebirds, their love ship anchored before taking off. Instead of fixing their affectionate holes and building emotional bridges for themselves, some curious busy bodies ‘hacked into their emotional bags and everything was almost in tatters. Somewhere along the line, they both derailed and these two hearts began to move on different lines.

    Mr. Right thought it was possible to mend the broken emotional fence but the more he tried the more difficult it was to bring them back again. Arguments and counter arguments ruled their world and it was obvious they could not continue to patch things up anymore.

    The truth of the matter is that many who would have enjoyed the relationship in which they are in get things messed up at some point. Just when they thought it was all worked out, a distraction pops up and they move on to a point where everything they do looks like they have been chasing shadows, emotional shadows .

    When you are in control, then you are likely to glide up the emotional ladder in style. But this unfortunately is the point a lot of women get to and they allow fear and insecurity to take over their emotional space.

    Instead of being secure because the relationship is going well and the guy seems like a good guy, you can be afraid and think that it won’t be forever. It doesn’t matter that he’s being affectionate and attentive and that there’s really no reason to feel anxious. So you begin wondering and worrying about what’s going on now, even though it’s a completely different guy and a completely different situation.

    You start to look for clues about his level of “seriousness” in the things he says and does, but nothing seems obvious to you, and you’re still not satisfied. Catching up and getting back on track can be a delight. But of course, it is more exciting if you are sure that this time around it is for real. It is better to know where the relationship is going.

    Nobody really wants to be “strung along” for months and months, only to have his or her heart broken. You don’t want to be wasting your time. Nor do you want to be seen as pushy or needy, so you may even rehearsed what you’re going to say in your mind. However, it is important to always remember that things don’t go exactly the way you planned or imagined. Men and women have different timelines when it comes to commitment.