Tompolo and the Boys Company (BC) I am tempted to start by saying Tompolo, I dey laugh o! The story of a certain fellow by the queer name of Government Ekpemuopolo Tompolo always evokes hearty laughter in me each time I read it. It always reminds me of the Boys Company of the Biafran Army. Yours truly was not eligible, being not old enough, but I heard stories of the exploits of the BC from bigger boys of the day.
To cut the story short, young lads of the BC were supposed to be spies ferreting information from enemy camps. But most of them, they did not realise that war was death; many of them thought it was some form of a game and they got wasted in their numbers.
When a Norwegian newspaper reported that Tompolo, a pardoned and rehabilitated Niger Delta militant, had acquired six guided missile boats (GMBs) I laughed like crazy, I laughed so hard tears welled up in my eyes. I laughed hard as so many thoughts streamed across my mind. The thought of some rickety, disused ferries (as pictures show) that were refitted with some AK47s and sold to ‘stupid Nigerians’ by oyinbos at outrageous prices; I thought of ‘General’ Tompolo, Commander of the Republic of Niger Delta Armed Forces; I thought of Nigeria’s strategic national resources in the hands of an ill-lettered little man, I thought of a castrated Nigerian Navy taking orders from Tompolo; the thought of (and pity for) Itsekiri people who know that they can be annihilated if not exterminated in just one drunken night. I thought of and felt pity for NIMASA people who are biting their tongues trying to defend an institutionalised madness not knowing that only NIMASA still keeps silly secrets, the world now being an open door.
I laughed some more and sympathised with both the Federal Government of Nigeria (FGN) and the Tompolo Ekpemuokpolo Government (TEG) knowing that as we say in my place, mgbe osuru, mgbe asi chi si tama, it may not be a matter of six rusty gunboats (that the up thrust of a submarine would wash to the shore) but 60 or even 6000, or more. So join me in laughing dear reader.
Dilemma of the gallant DSS Give it to the Department of State Service (DSS), they are not like the Gallant Mopol as we all know; no, far from such coarseness. They are our elite force trained in the art of the clandestine and unseen. Since they bear no known means of identification, you can jolly well say they are licensed to spook.
But the DSS may have spoofed this time when they paraded some spindly fellows they claim were fake commanders of the Boko Haram who staged a fake ceasefire negotiation with the Federal Government. The seven suspects were apparently working in cahoots with one Stephen Davis, an Australian self-style negotiator. Now why would our DSS so triumphantly and even gallantly deign to have made a breakthrough by parading this hapless conmen who had beaten them silly by exposing their inefficiency in the first place. And so many questions arise: what manner of intelligence and dossier does the DSS have on Boko Haram and the terrorism war in Africa generally? Is it not numbingly embarrassing that the Federal Government could be so easily deceived and embarrassed by these little fellows? How many millions of dollars were paid to them? Where is the money?
Going by the narrative of DSS spokesman Marilyn Ogar, these fake characters operated for many months between Abuja and Maiduguri, held numerous meetings in public places yet they were not preempted until they thoroughly embarrassed us. Who on earth is Stephen Davis? Can Stephen Osuji surface in Australia tomorrow and pretend to be an expert in anything and the Australian secret service would not run riot over him? Could it be that our DSS did not check out Stephen Davis because he is wearing miserable white skin?
Sorry, DSS’ ‘success’ in catching these fake negotiators merely signposts this column’s assertion that Boko Haram is as much a failure of leadership as it is a failure of intelligence. Are we gonna parade the unit that failed in this duty?
Emperor Fayose in wonderland I admit there are one or two other cases in the land that bear a semblance of what is brewing in Ekiti State now but let us give Governor Ayo Fayose the trophy for putting a comical edge this macabre drama. In Rivers and Edo States, there are stand-offs resulting from executive-legislature power tussle, we acknowledge.
But in Ekiti state, it is sardonic enough that Fayose chased majority of the State’s legislators out of town leaving only seven renegades but he has carried on as if he were a 16th century divine monarch.
He did not only get the seven popinjays to sit and conduct the business of the House, he co-opted scallywags and miscreants to make up the number, sitting on the hallowed seats of honorable members and desecrating the legislature.
The first time these seven renegades plus 19 thugs ‘approved’ the Ekiti State’s commissioners’ list (i.e the executive council) we thought it was a momentary lapse of memory. Last Monday the charade was reenacted now on a grand scale. The ‘mock’ assembly sat again in Ado Ekiti to pass the State’s Appropriation Bill.
According to the report, again the seven ‘law-mockers’ were seated and all the fleeing lawmakers’ seats were occupied as visitors were allowed to seat in the chambers. Some traditional rulers where present; there was a full complement of soldiers, police, Department of State Service (DSS), Civil Defence Corps (NSCDC). The press were barred save for the Governor’s Office and House of Assembly Press Corps. No broadcast journalists were allowed to record the evil gathering on video.
In the manner of emperors, Governor Fayose was reported to have reassured the renegade speaker that, “You, (Dele Olugbemi) are the Speaker of this Assembly and nobody can remove you from this position. I want to emphasise that this speaker would remain in office till June.” You must pinch yourself to find out if you are in 1614 or 2014 for I have just done that.
Empathizing with Mama Peace in a time of ‘war’ What do you do with a well-known certified peacemaker in time of intense, internecine ‘warfare’? Well, that is a very tough question and this is the dilemma of our First Lady, Dame Patience Jonathan aka, Mama Peace of Africa.
Last weekend, Dame Patience was in her homeland, Okrika; she gathered the chieftains and owners of the land and declared to them in her oft unmatched candour: “Before you today is the next governor of Rivers State. He is the former Minister of State for Education, Barrister Nyesom Wike.”
Those who have eyes have seen Dame Patience’ gloved hands in many states in the run up to the PDP primaries across the land. Mama is PDP’s field marshalling leading the political ‘army’ into the next election. She is the chief endorser, enforcer and even fixer.
Those who know can tell that of all the battle fronts, Rivers State would test Mama’s mettle the most. Up against Governor Chibuike Amaechi of the State, no prisoners would be allowed and the winner will take all. Dear reader, you would do well to keep very far away from that vicinity so that you do not get be-splattered… ka Chineke mezie okwu. Amim.
The Buhari epiphany
Dear reader, you would recall that this column vowed sometime ago never to vote for General Muhammadu Buhari (retd). It must have been sometime in 2012 when he issued some mumbo-jumbo about the blood of baboons and monkeys flowing and all that. Coming when the post-election fires of 2011 were yet to be cold, one could not understand an elder statesman speaking in such manner.
But since then, the general has continued to change his approach and project a national outlook to his politics. In view of the dire situation of our dear country today, this column will revisit that vow. Having won the presidential flag of the All Progressives Congress (APC), this must be Buhari’s epiphany. Or shall we say Nigeria’s epiphany?
As the campaign days go by, this column will attempt some disquisitions on the Buhari factor at this juncture of Nigerian politics. It is Buhari’s be all and end all moment, his make or mar juncture; his epiphany. And mark you, he will have to work his lean butts off for it. An epic battle it will be against the incumbent, President Goodluck Jonathan.
