The Nation Newspaper

Tag: infidelity

  • How to overcome trauma of infidelity

    Hello Harriet, your last week article came at the right time, and after reading it, I must confess that in spite of my feeling of betrayal and pain it gave me, it gave me a better understanding of infidelity. Please, advise me on the way forward. Thanks.

    Mrs. Ndidi, Lagos.

     

    There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage. It could also relate to something in your spouse’s past. You may never truly know why it happened.

    Knowing the type of infidelity we mentioned in our previous edition makes understanding it easier. You must ask questions like: Was it a one-night stand due to a mid-life or life crisis or sexual addiction? Could it be an act of retaliation or entangled affair? What is the motive behind the act? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?

    Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

    The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened because it can. But it will be different.

    You just realise that your spouse has been unfaithful to you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like bricks. As a counsellor, I am to treat both spouses with respect in order to give honest positive and negative feedback  to enable the spouse align effectively.

    I cannot say giving him or her flowers or gifts at this stage is not proper because this stage is like slapping a bandage on a fresh, infected wound. Although some will say as a woman, this is the time for you to make your demands. It might feel like help in the short term, but in reality, it is just covering over deeper problems that will only get worse.

    You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair. Here is what you can do to get beyond the hurt.

    You need to understand the type of affair your spouse is involved in. Questions like is it a one-night stand, an entangled affair, or an addiction? Note the solutions to these affairs are different.

    Sexual addiction: There are some steps to be taken. The person  involved in this act of infidelity must admit to himself or herself that there is a problem and  that  there is need to help. Self-realization is a great thing.

    Change of mind set: To guard his or her mind, avoid books, pictures, magazines and videos. Avoid fantasies that stimulate wrong desires.

    Keep away from friends or companies that can lead to this desire.

    Think not of the moment, but rather focus on the future.

    Forgive your unfaithful spouse to save your marriage.

    Difficulty: Time, they say, heals all wounds. The spouse involved will have to work extra hard to gain back the lost trust.

    What has happened has happened. Let’s face it. Give a second chance. Not that the act is right, but if the person is really sorry, forgive, so that you can have a sound mind as well.

    Time Required: It’s going to take a long time for the wound to heal. It is natural to go through the healing process slowly.

    Here’s how: Men and women should understand that they took a vow before God and man to be faithful when getting married, so there is no justification for infidelity. It is wrong and cannot be right, no matter how common it is in the society.

    Polygamy is a different issue. We are addressing those who took a vow before God and man to be one till death do them part.

    Don’t make any major decision about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues, other than infidelity, need to be recognized and dealt with. If you move out of the house, you are giving room for the person to move in. You have swapped places.

    You are now the one out, while the other person is now the one in.

    Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter; @bineharriet.

  • Infidelity in marriage

    I FEEL betrayed: I just discovered that my spouse is unfaithful, and I feel really angry. I keep asking myself, why? Please Harriet, kindly explain my situation to me.

    Name withheld,

    Lekki, Lagos

     

    Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a huge feeling of betrayal. As painful as it may look, it will be nice to understand that infidelity is in various forms. Therefore, it will be nice to know the type of infidelity that your spouse committed. The solutions are different as well, depending on the type of infidelity. For easy understanding, infidelity has been classified into three groups. The first is the One Night Stand. It is just a one-off, no strain attached, no contact exchange, no intention of keeping a relationship with the person.

    The second is Sexual Addiction. It is like an illness. It is a situation where the person lacks self-control.

    The third is Entangled Affair. It is more emotional, intimate and long-lasting. As a matter of fact, knowing the type that your spouse is involved makes it easy to deal with. A person in your situation will like to know what led to the act of infidelity. Therefore, our next step is to provide you with all the necessary information for you to have a clear picture and again to understand that your feeling and reaction are expected.

     

    The big question is WHY? What are the reasons for this act of infidelity.

    An affair can happen in a good marriage as well as in a marriage with existing problems, although there is no justification for infidelity in marriage? In situation when spouse gives excuses for having an affair, it is simply a way to personally justify the behaviour and to feel more at ease with the decision to cheat. Mind you, it is a decision. Some, on the other hand, may not understand why they are unfaithful. It is very important to note that you are not to blame for your spouse’s decision to stray.

    We are human beings with free will to take decision on our own. Dealing with the issue of infidelity is incomplete, if we don’t mention some reasons or excuses people give for being unfaithful to their spouses.

    They are as follows: Lack of affection in both the husband and the wife: Some spouses claim that they feel neglected with little or no attention.

    Another reason is low self-esteem as a result of their spouses’ attitude towards them, for example, cursing and abusing.  Some claim lack of satisfaction physically or emotionally. An addiction to sex or romance is another reason. This is the need for more sex or sexual variety. Some feel that it is a better way to end an unhappy marriage or relationship, most especially in situation where they are living like roommates.

    Other reasons are fear of commitment, need for excitement, lack of stable role-model relationship when growing up, inability to resist advances from the opposite sex, making spouses jealous, deception, emotional intimacy and flirtation.

    Even though the Internet correspondents may not see face to face, some use it as a reason to be unfaithful to their spouses. Internet sex has become a great concern for many families. Lack of communication, peer pressure or home or office pressure and family expansion can also be responsible.

    Moreover, statements like : Men are polygamous by nature; variety is the spices of life; if my wife catches me she goes and if I catch her she goes; I need some space; you don’t listen to me; I can’t help myself; he/she doesn’t mean anything to me; it’s not the way you feel; I was charmed; she/he seduced me; I didn’t mean it;

    I was tempted; or it’s the work of the devil; I feel sorry for her/him because of his or her  situation; and it was just once are also causes.

     

    Reactions to infidelity in marriage:

    Reactions to different types of infidelity differ. The reaction to Entangled Affair is different from One Night Stand or Sexual Addiction. There are several situations: caught in the act with a close friend or relative attracts a reaction that is different from caught in the act with a stranger on the internet.

    If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably will mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and you might feel that you are losing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity. It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to ever rebuild trust.

    Here are some of the emotions one feels when faced with the knowledge that one’s spouse has cheated.  If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, these emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again.

     

    Denial:

    This is a very normal first reaction, and most people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this.

     

    Anger:

    You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of. An affair attacks the very foundation of your day-to- day life, robbing you of your security, violating the vows you took when you got married and stripping away all the peace of mind you got from being married.

    It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the other person who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the most destructive emotions you’ll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control.

     

    Rejection:

    It’s impossible not to feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all-time low at some point before you recover. Turn to your experienced good friends and family for strength.

     

    Other reactions are: shock, heart-broken, hatred, used and violated, shattered, hurt, humiliated, depressed, homicidal,  blameworthy, helpless, vengeful,  undesirable,  sexually aroused,  some are happy (especially those that are suspicious of their spouse, and have been looking for proof) and some feel relieved, alarmed,

    lose their temper, some weep, bitterness set in, low self-esteem leads to spouse feeling unimportant, inferior, worthless and spiteful.

    Everyone will experience emotions differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

  • How to heal after infidelity

    Surviving doesn’t always mean saving your marriage. Surviving can mean building a more honest marriage after the infidelity. Or, divorcing and leaving the marriage more aware and prepared for your next relationship.

    Your thinking during times of emotional stress is distorted. Be sure your reaction to your spouse’s infidelity is measured and sensible and not out of anger and pain.

    Infidelity is not the end of your world. It is the end of your world as you know it but there is life after infidelity and accepting that can play a major role in how well and how quickly you heal.

    If you engage in doomsday thinking, the idea that infidelity is the worst thing that could have happened you will continually live with the belief that he/she will do it again, that another marital disaster is right around the corner. The trick is to remember that as a result of the infidelity you have the opportunity to strengthen your marriage or move on to a new life as a stronger person.

    There are different paths to healing after infidelity. You may choose to work together as a couple and rebuild your marriage. You may decide, after much thought that it is in your best interest to leave the marriage. Whether you stay in the marriage or leave, your attitude toward what happened is the single most important predictor of how well you heal from the adversity.

    Bottom line, if you are negative, hostile and angry you will be in pain for a long time. If you are emotionally resilient, are able to accept that the infidelity is nothing more than a blip on your life path you will heal more quickly.

  • How to prevent infidelity

    Just because you’re married now does not mean you’re going to stop feeling attracted to other people – or jealous when your spouse’s eye wanders. The important thing is how you and your spouse handle your attractions and jealousyand what you do to prevent infidelity in your marriage.

    Although researchers have a hard time getting people to be honest about infidelity and extramarital affairs, studies have shown that about 25 percent of men and 10 to 15 percent of women report having had sex with someone other than their spouse, according to healthymarriageinfo.org. There have also been separate reports indicating that most infidelity – and divorce – happens before a couple’s seventh wedding anniversary. Whether that’s true or not is difficult to prove. What is certain is that infidelity is among the leading causes of divorce. And newlyweds should take the necessary steps to protect their marriage and prevent infidelity. Here is what you can do to affair-proof your marriage:

    Make your marriage your top priority

    Making your marriage your top priority means that your spouse comes before everyone else. Friends and family are important, too, but they should not interfere with your relationship. In other words, if your friend just split up with her boyfriend of two months and wants to hang out with you, but you had plans with your husband, you should tell your friend that you’ll have to talk at some other time. If you’ve spent the last week working late and spending more time with your colleagues at work than you have with your spouse, carve out some family time, shut off your cell phone and computer, and make the most of the moments, hour, day, whatever you could get for your love. Make decisions together and put the needs of your spouse and you above all others.

    Set boundaries

    Some people are naturally friendly and/or flirtatious, and this can get them into trouble when they marry. Certain behaviour might give others the wrong ideas about your relationship with them, which can cause awkward situations. The last thing a married person should want to do is send signals to others that he or she is available or interested in a romantic relationship. Become aware of your behaviour and change it. Keep working relationships professional, for example, by limiting conversations to work and small talk. Inappropriate behaviours like touching or revealing intimate details of your marriage or sex life should never happen with others, especially those at work. Those kinds of conversations should be reserved for your spouse. You risk stepping over the line when you start sharing intimate thoughts or personal feelings with someone who is not your spouse. Keep in mind that this is true also of strangers you meet on the Internet and not just colleagues or friends you know in your offline life. Your spouse should be the person with whom you share your personal life.

    Do not keep secrets from your spouse.

    Short of that surprise party you’re planning for your spouse, you should be able to tell him or her anything and everything. If you feel as though you have to lie about where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, or what you’ve been doing, then you know you have stepped over the line into betrayal.