• How syndrome divides, puts families in disarray
• Our heart-rending stories, by victims
• The psychological impact on kids — Experts
Omolola and David were overjoyed when they secured visas to the United Kingdom. Relocating to a more developed country had long been their dream. The couple, married for just under four years, obtained their visas through a study route. Omolola was the student while David, her husband, was listed as a dependant.
However, they were faced with a serious dilemma: whether or not to leave their two-year-and-six-month-old daughter behind in Nigeria to live with her grandmother while they pursued a better life abroad.
“It was quite difficult for me to decide to leave her behind, but I found solace in the fact that she would be staying with my parents and they were sure to take care of her as much as I would have.
“Also, I was not sure how long it would take for us to settle in. So I decided it was better to leave her behind to save her from the troubles,” Omolola said in justifying her eventual option.
“In the first few months of leaving, it was like we could not reach her or get her to talk to us. She was giving us some kind of attitude. I think it was to make us feel guilty for leaving her.”
Asked how she was able to reconnect with her daughter, Omolola said: “We started making videos, sending her gifts and calling often. I mean we made an effort to stay connected with her no matter what.
“Then she started to talk to us again. Now, she is just waiting for us to come get her.”
“For my child, it would have been very difficult for us to settle in if she was with us when we came.
“For instance, my husband and I are working. He works full time, I work multiple jobs at different times.
“You can imagine if she had been with us. There would have been some level of restrictions to the kind of jobs we would be able to do and the times we do them, coupled with me going to school.”
According to the United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs’ (DESA), an estimated 1.7 million of Nigerians llivd in the Disapora as of June, 2020.
Taofeeq, a young man in his mid-20s, left Nigeria to study Marine Engineering overseas. After graduating, he returned home and married Shukurat, with whom he had a child.
Dissatisfied with Nigeria’s living conditions, Taofeeq decided to return to Egypt, where he had studied, hoping to secure a well-paying job and eventually bring his family over.
However, life took a different turn, as he could not meet expectations during his four-year stay in Egypt. He ended up marrying another woman there, who gave birth to a son.
Reflecting on his journey, Taofeeq expressed uncertainty about when he would return to Nigeria. He also rued his long absence from his Nigerian wife and the possibility that she may have been unfaithful during his four-year absence.
“I’ve been away for four years now. What is the assurance that she has not been ‘seeing’ another man? It’s doubtful. Money on my mind.
“I don get two boys (two sons from two wives). Na to hustle I dey like dis, and Naija come worst non. Make I no go enter and get stuck like the last time. You understand better,” he said.
Daniella, a 37-year-old mother of two, had butterflies in her belly when her husband was granted the American visa six years ago. For her, it was, indeed, an answer to a prayer, as the ‘breakthrough’ came at a point when she and her husband were facing a serious financial crisis.
Her husband, Emeka, had just unwillingly resigned from his workplace, and they had little savings with no job promised.
When Emeka secured his American visa, their plan was to also relocate his family within two years. Unfortunately, it has been six years now that he has been living apart from his family.
During a conversation with this writer, Daniella said although she was still in constant communication with her husband, she does not know how she would feel or act around him anymore if they eventually reunite.
Danielle said: “It has been six years already. I don’t know how I will act or how we will act around each other when we eventually reunite.
“We do talk on the phone and do video calls, and he is still very responsible for his kids.
“But it feels strange because we have been staying apart for too long. I guess we will have to start afresh.”
Asked how the kids connect with their dad, she said: “My first born is going to be eight. He was still very little when their dad travelled.
“But I gave birth to my second born few months after he travelled, because I was heavily pregnant when he left.
“So, they haven’t seen each other before in real life except on video call. It’s very hard.
“From our experience, I will never advise any couple to stay apart in the name of pursuing greener pastures.
“It’s better they go together, no matter what.”
A social media user known simply as Ada Tolo Finest on Instagram recently shared her experience living without her husband for six years. The middle-aged lady revealed that March 31, 2024 made it exactly six years she last set her eyes on her husband while advising young ladies not to take that route.
In pidgin English, she said: “This month makes it six good years I never use my eyes see my husband.
“It’s not easy! Can you do it? Do you have thick skin? Can you stay more than six years without seeing your husband? Even one year isn’t advisable.
“I cannot even advise my enemy to go into long distance relationship; it’s never a good thing.
“I stayed six good years. If I want to cry, I cry to myself. If I want to vex I vex to myself. Anything you do, you do it alone, even if you’re sick, except your children are with you.
“People will also gossip with your name. So if you want to go into a long distance relationship, know the type of heart you have, because it is not advisable.
“You may be getting the pounds and dollars but you will not have a relaxed mind.
“I am talking to my fellow women. Ask if he would take you along or how many times he would be coming home in a year.”
A child educator, Okeleke Nneka Rosemary, shares the impact of parents’ absence on a child’s emotional and psychological development.
She said: “Ideally, parents have been designed by God to nurture and train their children on the right path.
“Naturally, neglecting or depriving children of the above-mentioned aspect has the tendency to negatively affect their emotional and psychological wellbeing most times, and that is the reality of the emotional damage children experience, especially in the absence of their parents.
“When a parent or parents migrate, it almost every time affects the children emotionally and psychologically in the sense that they are not opportune to express themselves freely with whoever has been assigned to take care of them in the the parents’ absence.
“The children have to deal with living with someone who does not know them as much as their parents.
“Some children experience health and trust issues, which may affect their academic performance and their learning process generally. Most times, they tend to feel insecure.
“As an educator with over three years’ experience, I have had to deal with children whose parents migrated and entrusted them in the care of a family member, or close friend trusting me with details that are crucial about them.
“This is another thing that affects the children, because the people they are supposed to emotionally pour out their mind to are not available.
“On many occasions, we have heard about the physical abuse a girl child suffers in the hands of an abuser; the case of a boy child involved in illicit acts, while the children deal with peer pressure and many more.
“Now, the question is, do we advise parents who find greener pastures elsewhere to reject the opportunity because of their children?
“It depends on how grounded they are with their children and how responsible the family is. Children are fragile emotionally and psychologically, and they must be loved.”
Rosemary cites peer pressure among other long-term developmental consequences that children may face when separated from their parents at critical stages. According to her, children can be influenced negatively through peer pressure if proper observation is not carried out at every critical stage of their lives.
She said: “One of the worst things that can happen to a child is lack of parental guidance and monitoring. This can cause children not to relate or connect with their parents.
“Instead, they find solace amongst their peers, and this is dangerous. The teenage stage is a very crucial stage.
“Many things evolve, which include smoking, bad manners, curiosity, unwanted pregnancy, and a lot more, and these can jeopardise the mental and psychological well-being of the children as they grow.
“Having both parents out of one’s sight for any reason, whether good or bad, tells a lot about the emotional output of a child.
“Such a child grows up to disconnect himself or herself from people. He or she is always moody and sad and pulls away from situations most times.
“This is a wrong sign that shouldn’t be a part of a child’s lifestyle, because they tend to grow with it, and it affects mainly the self-esteem of such a child.
“When children are in the puberty stage, that is the appropriate time parents should guide and teach their children all they want them to know at that stage.
“This stage is critical because self-esteem is a paramount quality that should be taught closely to avoid low self-esteem.
“Low self-esteem deprives the children of the freedom to express themselves. Many children were victims of this, and the aftermath was not palatable, as many still suffer this to date”.
A clinical psychologist and family therapist, Joseph Bassey, also explained that children who are experiencing this may develop attachment issues, weakened emotional bond with absent parents, leading to problems with dependency, taking blame for other people’s fault, always wanting to please everyone as a way to recompense with initial loss of bond.
“There’s bound to be increased behavioral problems. An example is increased defiance or acting out due to stress or unmet emotional needs.
“In the long run, it might turn into conduct disorders if not checked.
“There are bound to be academic struggles too. Those children will experience difficulty concentrating or reduced motivation, which will negatively impact their academic performance.
“There’s going to be a sense of loss. Emotional pain from missing a parent during significant life milestones such as graduation, parents-teachers meeting or birthdays, may contribute to emotional trauma”.
Bassey advised families considering migration to “evaluate readiness: discuss the expectations, sacrifices, and emotional preparation as a family.
“Plan intentionally: Develop a timeline and clear strategy for reunification to minimise separation periods.
“Build a support network by engaging with community groups or extended families to provide emotional support during the separation.
“Open communication, prioritise honest, continuous conversations about feelings and challenges.
“Seeking professional guidance such as family counseling or therapy can prepare families for potential emotional impacts,” Bassey said.
