The Senior Pastor of Everwinning Faith Ministries International Lagos, Rev. Solomon Ojigiri, spoke with Sunday Oguntola on marital issues ahead of the forthcoming seminar in the church. Excerpts:
How do you react to the recent signing of the Lagos Domestic law?
I think it’s a good development because there is so much abuse in this part of the world. You know the people abroad are enlightened. A lot of married people are cautious about the way they treat their spouse, especially the women folk, because they know that the law is in their favour.
But in Nigeria, we have had a lot of cases on assault. I mean people being wounded. In fact, recently there was a woman who said a lot of women are being killed and nobody is doing anything about it. I think it’s a good development if such laws can be enforced because sometimes the people just make laws on paper.
It will also help men to be conscious. You know people do things because they think they can do away with it but when you are aware of the presence of a law against what you want to do then you are more careful.
People say that will encourage lots of women without good intention to make troubles…
Anything that has advantages also has disadvantages. Of course, certainly, they have disadvantages but I think we should look at the intention of the law to protect women from abuse. That should be the main concentration.
Of course, we also see some people that will want to take advantage of such but then we can’t say because of that we will pull out the fact that there is a need for such law.
Is marital bliss possible?
Trust me, it is possible. It is not just realism but a possibility. But, of course, it comes with lots of sacrifices and efforts. Now the most important thing when it comes to the issues of marriage is knowledge. Most of the time people don’t know what to do. That’s what is causing problems in marriages. I usually classify ignorance into five areas.
Firstly, I talk about ignorance of God’s word. People don’t even know what the word of God says on marriage. Many people married and run their marriages on what is said on TV shows and what psychologists say.
God is the author of marriage and I believe He has the final say on marriage. Secondly, there is ignorance of God’s purpose for marriage. Many people get married for wrong reasons. For instance, when you see somebody getting married to just have children, he will probably marry another wife if the first one does not have kids in the first three years.
Sometimes I tell some people ‘you don’t need a wife. You need a cook’ if the only reason you got married is because you need someone that will cook for you. So, ignorance of God’s purpose for marriage leads people to marry for the wrong reasons.
Then, there is ignorance of our responsibilities in marriage because we have responsibility. The fourth is ignorance of gender differences. The women differ from men and a lot of time the men want the women to do things the way they will and the same for women.
So, the more you understand the nature and differences between the women and the men, the better. When I got married, I went out one day for a kind of appointment and my wife said ‘how was it?’ I just said ‘fine. I’m hungry let me have food.’ My wife was not pleased and I later got to know that women ask you questions, they want you to go into details because that’s part of their nature.
So the ignorance of gender difference is also a reason and we need to develop in that area. Last one is ignorance of satanic devices. Many people don’t know that Satan is seriously after marriages. That is because marriage is the foundation for everything. It is the foundation for the family, the foundation for the society and the foundation for the nation. If a nation will become good, it will start from the family.
That is why Satan, in his strategic plans, wants to destroy marriages and when two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers. You find out when there is a problem in the marriage, it is the offspring that suffer. The children become dysfunctional because the devil has reprogrammed their lives.
So many women struggle with submission. They wonder to what extent should they submit to irresponsible, unbelieving husbands.
I tell people that the word of God doesn’t say that ‘submit to your husband when your husband is responsible.’ There was a time we were discussing that and some women said that if my husband is caring and loving enough, then I will be submissive to him.
And some men said ‘if my wife is submissive enough then I should take care of her.’ That’s what I call responsibilities in marriage and the greatest thing a man wants is respect. That’s why God said to the woman to submit to the man. God said to the man to love the woman because the greatest need of the woman is love and if you don’t pay attention to those responsibilities there will be troubles.
But some men believe that submission means you should harass the woman. I saw a book sometime ago titled “Battered to submission”. God is not expecting us to batter the woman to submission. There have been cases where the man is a drunk and the man is an irresponsible person. If he wants a wife to do something against God, then, of course, you decline.
But if it’s something else, the woman must submit. That is why every woman must be very careful to marry someone they can truly submit to.
Another issue that people struggle with is how far can a man afford to be transparent, considering that women’s needs are endless?
This reminds me of the story of a family. There was a quarrel over money and the man beat the woman until she fainted. They called me to intervene and I understood the problem was the man said he had no money. The wife discovered where he hid the money, took it and used it to cook for the family.
The man came back and all hell was let loose. When I spoke with the man, he said he told her he had no money because she would overwhelm him with needs. I seriously believe that as a man, we have to be open to our spouses. This is what I do through the grace of God. I have been open to my wife. I tell her what my income is and disclose any money I make. But what I do is I let her know what I intend to do with the money.
If I have N100, 000, I tell her I’m sowing N20, 000 while N30 000 is for us. The N20,000 is for the children and we are keeping N20,000 for the family. She can’t come and now make request beyond what we have. The request will be within what we have. So, it’s just a matter of planning and that’s why I believe families should have budgets.
You want to sit down with your wife and plan based on your income and your expenditures. Look at some of the things you make money for. I believe it’s more harmful when you don’t disclose to her. She makes endless requests because she does not know how much you have.
What is your take on joint account?
I believe you can do a joint account. Before we got married, I asked my wife what to do. We have accounts that are joint and the ones that are not joint. We have accounts that we run together and we can withdraw from. But what we do is that even if it’s her account or my account, we have to know what is there.
And we have to know why we are spending it. We don’t just spend unilaterally without notice. So I believe it’s not a bad thing.
What is Night of Marital Bliss all about?
It is an informative, educative and interactive programme. The last edition was in September and we had a talk show. One of the questions is what will you do if you are about entering your apartment or your house and find your wife slapping your mother? So we discussed a lot of practical things. It is meant for widows, widowers, divorcees.
You know many divorcees are being ostracised but we are giving them opportunity to learn. So it’s for everyone that wants to know about relationship and how they can experience bliss in their marriage.
