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Tag: marriages

  • Four celebrity marriages that crashed in 2023

    Four celebrity marriages that crashed in 2023

    Celebrity marriages in Nigeria have always been a popular issue among many.

    This is owing to the rate at which these marriages have continued to fail.

    Although many have thrived, others have regrettably ended, leaving their fans in disbelief.

    Here are four celebrity marriages that have sadly ended in 2023.

    Bolanle Ninalowo:

    Fans were stunned to learn that the 17-year marriage of popular Nollywood actor, Bolanle Ninalowo and his wife, Bunmi, had ended.

    Ninalowo announced the breakup on his Instagram page on September 1, saying the split was for the benefit of everyone involved.

    This won’t be the first time the couple would be making headlines for their relationship hitting the rocks.

    In 2017, the actor in an interview with Genevieve Magazine revealed that after 12 years together, he and his wife had decided to divorce. They did, however, reconcile in 2018.

    Yomi Gold:

    Yoruba actor and producer Yomi Alore aka Yomi Gold, announced the end of his second marriage to his wife, Meenah, in January 2023.

    While announcing the divorce, Gold took responsibility for the marriage crashing, calling his wife a ‘good person’.

    Read Also: Appeal Court restores Fed Govt’s power to register marriages

    BRed:

    Nigerian Musician, Adebayo Adeleke aka BRed’s marriage to Faith Johnson ended in a split in 2023 after charges of cruelty and adultery.

    The split couple, who shared a baby boy named Adetayo Oshioke Adeleke, who was born in 2019, have now unfollowed each other on Instagram and have continued to slight each other on social media.

    Faridah Sobowale:

    Sobowale and her husband Odulaja tied the knot in June, the marriage however crashed in August.

    The Lagos socialite attempted to end her life following the crash of her two-month-old marriage to her now-estranged husband, Demola Odulaja.

    Sobowale was rescued from jumping off the Third Mainland Bridge in Lagos.

    Odulaja, who confirmed the rumours, said his two-month-old marriage to Sobowale failed due to alleged infidelity.

  • Secrets of our enduring marriages

    Unlike in other climes, the lives of WAGS (wife and girlfriends)of Nigerian footballers (and other athletes) are often shrouded in secrecy with little or nothing to share but the good news is that some are living like real-life couples in their  marriage trenches  with joy and happiness.  Three former  Nigerian internationals – Mutiu Adepoju, Patrick Pascal and Garba Lawal – along with their wives,  share secrets of their marriage as well as other things that have  cemented their love  in a tell-tale conversation with MORAKINYO ABODUNRIN. Enjoy the reading…

    BIMPE & MUTIU ADEPOJU

    ‘Secret of our marriage:
    Love and respect’

    In Bimpe and Mutiu Adepoju, there is certainty that no one believes love at first sight until that special person comes along and steals your heart.

    “Yes, it (our relationship) was love at first sight because his simplicity will make you want to know him more,” admitted Bimpe. “I met my husband as far back in 1989 through a friend of mine with her boyfriend who is her husband today as well.”

    She continued: “Sorry to say this, I was not a football fan at that time so I didn’t really put attention even when I was asked if I wanted his signed photograph. I was like for what? because I was not a football fan

    “But I got to know him while talking and that was how we became friends, his gentility and humbleness attracted me to him.

    “We courted for three years before we got married; it wasn’t a formal proposal per se, he’s a very shy person, but he knows what he wants and he goes for it. Everything between us just flows naturally.”

    Mutiu would also admit that theirs was like a marriage made in heaven since he was attracted to her right from the first day he set eyes on her: “I got attracted by her beauty at first, and then when we got talking, I discovered her intelligence and other attributes.

    “We met through a friend of mine named Chris. He came to visit me with his girlfriend who is now his wife as well; she came with them and the rest is history.

    “Of course I’ve met others (before her), but the moment I met her, I knew she’s the one. I saw so many qualities in her and some of them apart from beauty are: intelligence, simplicity, hard work, amongst others.”

    Like the attraction between moths and light, the Adepojus have stayed glued to each other ever since and Bimpe further explained the beauty of their relationship: “The qualities of my father I saw in him (my husband) are his gentility, simplicity and care. I pray to God every day for our girls, when they are ready, to bring to their paths husbands like their father.

    “He has not changed a bit; he’s still the same person I knew from the beginning, very loving and caring. He’s very romantic, he is a very loving person to a fault; probably he has changed in age but we make him talk more than before.

    “He’s a loving and caring father. The children are always looking up to him and they always want him at home whenever he’s away. It’s like we’re used to it, because he always makes up for the time he was not around.”

    Mutiu added his own voice: “The nature of my job keeps me out of home a lot but I try as much as possible to make it up by being with them every moment I’m at home. I take them out often and sometimes we go to the cinema and malls.”

    The Adepojus have been blessed with four adorable daughters and Bimpe explained the significant circumstances surrounding their births and how well the family copes with the demands of his job that usually takes him away.

    Bimpe offered some explanations: “We have four beautiful girls – Nofisat Atinuke (Tinu), Maryam Mopelade (Lade), Khadijat Abiola (Abby) and Shakirat Omolola (Lola). He was around during the delivery of our first born, Tinu, but left for a Super Eagles’ match the second day.

    “He tried all his best possible but couldn’t get to London on time for Lade’s delivery but he took over immediately he arrived and I still remember my friend Joy asking how come he can handle so well to bath a new born baby.

    “He was given two days free which he used to fly over to the USA just to be present at the delivery of our third girl, Abby, in Champaign Illinois. And for Lola’s delivery in Alicante-Spain, he was away in Turkey as well but came home immediately after.

    “Tinu is now a graduate of Telematics & Telecommunication Engineering and working right now with an American company CISCO in Brussels. Lade is studying International Business in Queens University in Charlotte, North Carolina USA, and she’s a member of her university basketball team. Abby loves the fashion world and doing photography right now while Lola is still in secondary school and playing basketball as well.

    “I allowed them to go into sport because they grew up knowing that their father is a sportsman. They’re sporty themselves and I don’t miss my gym either. Sport in our house is a natural thing; we never have to force them and have always chosen any sport they want. I believe sport is healthy and they love it too.”

    Yet Bimpe says she loves her beau to bits for so many obvious reasons. “There is no secret than love, understanding and respect. The fact is that he hardly gets angry except when he sees injustice; thank God I never have to (appease him) because he hardly gets angry.

    “We don’t really wait for any special occasion for gift in our house, since we both travel a lot; we always bring gift for the family.

    “Of course, we have travelled to many beautiful places but I will choose New York as the best. His favourite food is amala (yam flour) as a true omo (son) Ibadan and he likes hip-hop too,” noted Bimpe who is a trained cosmetologist.

    MEET BIMPE ADEPOJU

    My name is Bimpe Adepoju, I’m from the Olatunji Family of Ile Obanla of Imesi-Ile, Osun State. But was born in Lagos, being the fifth girl of family of six and I was less than two years old when I didn’t allow my grandmother to go back to my native town Imesi-Ile without taking me along with her. So, all my childhood, primary and secondary education took place there, which I miss so much. Although I always travelled to Lagos for my vacations with parents and siblings, but always looking forward to going back with my dear grandmother and I would always love to go back to visit anytime any day and more because there, I have my grandparents and my parents buried (may their souls rest in peace). I am an entrepreneur by nature. I’ve always liked to be independent and I thank God for my husband who allows me to be me.

     

    EMEH & PATRICK PASCAL

    ‘Friendship, understanding sustain our marriage’

    Patrick Pascal, former Nigerian International, once squealed his best companion was his iPad and like a Siamese twins, man and machine were inseparable.

    “I try to relax by watching the television,” Pascal, a Business Management graduate of the Federal Polytechnic, Bauchi, said in a file interview with The Nation. “But I’m also crazy about sourcing the internet and my best friend is my iPad; it helps me in monitoring happenings around the world.

    “I like listening to news and that is why I’ve found the iPad very useful. When you see me, you see my iPad; it keeps me busy always and it exposes me to new things around the globe,” he added.

    But today, the iPad is like a bauble in the home of the former Shooting Stars’ striker with outpouring of love to his delectable wife, Emeh, who he describes as his best and better companion.

    “My wife is actually from Akwa Ibom State but what struck me the first time I saw her was her complexion and beauty; and you know I’m a black man,” Pascal, the current Super Eagles’ coordinator, explained. “I just felt, this is the person I wanted to marry and have a good family with because the nature of our job demands we have a very caring and understanding wife and I don’t regret my choice because she is not only my wife but my best friend. I’m not always around but she sacrifices a lot for the family.”

    Though Emeh would be the first to admit that marrying an athlete, particularly a retired (but still very active) footballer is not an easy thing, her succour is that Patrick remains her best friend and a doting father for that matter.

    “I met my husband when I came to school in the university here (Abubakar Tafawa-Balewa University, Bauchi),” recalled Emeh, the daughter of a late army officer. “He was and still is this strong and independent guy who stole my heart away and what really attracted me to him was his no nonsense attitude; despite that, he is very loving and caring.

    “I would say it was love at first sight because why would a 19-year-old girl agree to marriage within the first week of meeting? He had mentioned when we first met that this was a marriage issue and I agreed.

    “But after a year, we went out to hang out and he brought out the ring and knelt down and I said yes!! We courted for a year before marriage.”

    Emeh said meeting Patrick defused the long-held notion that a girl’s first true love is only her father, adding that she didn’t regret their instantaneous lovey-dovey: “That notion that daughter’s first love story does not apply to everyone; my husband is the opposite of my late dad Colonel Otu Usendiah.

    “My first impression was that he’s a quiet guy but he isn’t. But he’s like what they say about fine wine, he gets better and sweeter every day. After almost 13 years of marriage, my husband is a better version of himself. He loves better, he is more caring and attentive than at first but he does speak his mind anytime anywhere.

    “He likes straight forward people; anyone who is lazy cannot stay with him. He has low patience level, so if you are around him, you have to be on top of your game all the time.”

    Yet Emeh said she was grappling with the rigours of being the wife of an athlete who is not always with the family since work often takes her husband out of their home in Bauchi.

    She explained: “It’s difficult with him always being away but I’m always busy with the kids and my work; taking care of four children and the house is time-consuming. Before I know it, he is back again.

    “When he’s away we get to talk on the phone and chat a lot; it makes up for lost time too. He is an amazing father and he dots over the children so much. He cares and provides for them. They go to the stadium together for trainings when he is around, plays with them; he’s just awesome with the kids.”

    But how did she cope during the delivery of the kids even with his unavoidable absence repeatedly.

    “The best gifts I have gotten from my husband were the kids,” Emeh said with a roaring laughter. “Hubby wasn’t around when I had my first kid in November 2005 and as a first timer, I had to go to Abuja to be with my mum. He wasn’t available too when I also had my second child, a boy, in Abuja in April 2007.

    “I had my third child, a girl, on October 10, 2010 and that was a unique day for many reasons. I had her delivery here in Bauchi and that was the only delivery hubby was present.  In fact, I really wanted him to experience it (the childbirth) with me but he just stepped out to sort something out and by the time he came back, I had delivered. My last girl was in April 2015, but he was in Abuja working during the elections.”

    A keen sport lover in her younger years, Emeh enthused she would allow her kids go into sports on one condition: “Of course, I wouldn’t mind them going into sports as far as they go to school. When I was in secondary school I did high jump, 100 metres race and also played football.

    “I still love football and I support the national teams. I’m always on my toes throughout their matches screaming my lungs out and when they won like the 4-2 defeat of Argentina, I was dancing round in a circle with the kids.

    “My husband loves pounded yam with white soup; then he cannot do without bread and tea. He loves old school music and Makossa music. He also loves Tupac and Bob Marley.

    Patrick Pascal, former Nigerian International, once squealed his best companion was his iPad and like a Siamese twins, man and machine were inseparable.

    “I try to relax by watching the television,” Pascal, a Business Management graduate of the Federal Polytechnic, Bauchi, said in a file interview with The Nation. “But I’m also crazy about sourcing the internet and my best friend is my iPad; it helps me in monitoring happenings around the world.

    “I like listening to news and that is why I’ve found the iPad very useful. When you see me, you see my iPad; it keeps me busy always and it exposes me to new things around the globe,” he added.

    But today, the iPad is like a bauble in the home of the former Shooting Stars’ striker with outpouring of love to his delectable wife, Emeh, who he describes as his best and better companion.

    “My wife is actually from Akwa Ibom State but what struck me the first time I saw her was her complexion and beauty; and you know I’m a black man,” Pascal, the current Super Eagles’ coordinator, explained. “I just felt, this is the person I wanted to marry and have a good family with because the nature of our job demands we have a very caring and understanding wife and I don’t regret my choice because she is not only my wife but my best friend. I’m not always around but she sacrifices a lot for the family.”

    Though Emeh would be the first to admit that marrying an athlete, particularly a retired (but still very active) footballer is not an easy thing, her succour is that Patrick remains her best friend and a doting father for that matter.

    “I met my husband when I came to school in the university here (Abubakar Tafawa-Balewa University, Bauchi),” recalled Emeh, the daughter of a late army officer. “He was and still is this strong and independent guy who stole my heart away and what really attracted me to him was his no nonsense attitude; despite that, he is very loving and caring.

    “I would say it was love at first sight because why would a 19-year-old girl agree to marriage within the first week of meeting? He had mentioned when we first met that this was a marriage issue and I agreed.

    “But after a year, we went out to hang out and he brought out the ring and knelt down and I said yes!! We courted for a year before marriage.”

    Emeh said meeting Patrick defused the long-held notion that a girl’s first true love is only her father, adding that she didn’t regret their instantaneous lovey-dovey: “That notion that daughter’s first love story does not apply to everyone; my husband is the opposite of my late dad Colonel Otu Usendiah.

    “My first impression was that he’s a quiet guy but he isn’t. But he’s like what they say about fine wine, he gets better and sweeter every day. After almost 13 years of marriage, my husband is a better version of himself. He loves better, he is more caring and attentive than at first but he does speak his mind anytime anywhere.

    “He likes straight forward people; anyone who is lazy cannot stay with him. He has low patience level, so if you are around him, you have to be on top of your game all the time.”

    Yet Emeh said she was grappling with the rigours of being the wife of an athlete who is not always with the family since work often takes her husband out of their home in Bauchi.

    She explained: “It’s difficult with him always being away but I’m always busy with the kids and my work; taking care of four children and the house is time-consuming. Before I know it, he is back again.

    “When he’s away we get to talk on the phone and chat a lot; it makes up for lost time too. He is an amazing father and he dots over the children so much. He cares and provides for them. They go to the stadium together for trainings when he is around, plays with them; he’s just awesome with the kids.”

    But how did she cope during the delivery of the kids even with his unavoidable absence repeatedly.

    “The best gifts I have gotten from my husband were the kids,” Emeh said with a roaring laughter. “Hubby wasn’t around when I had my first kid in November 2005 and as a first timer, I had to go to Abuja to be with my mum. He wasn’t available too when I also had my second child, a boy, in Abuja in April 2007.

    “I had my third child, a girl, on October 10, 2010 and that was a unique day for many reasons. I had her delivery here in Bauchi and that was the only delivery hubby was present.  In fact, I really wanted him to experience it (the childbirth) with me but he just stepped out to sort something out and by the time he came back, I had delivered. My last girl was in April 2015, but he was in Abuja working during the elections.”

    A keen sport lover in her younger years, Emeh enthused she would allow her kids go into sports on one condition: “Of course, I wouldn’t mind them going into sports as far as they go to school. When I was in secondary school I did high jump, 100 metres race and also played football.

    “I still love football and I support the national teams. I’m always on my toes throughout their matches screaming my lungs out and when they won like the 4-2 defeat of Argentina, I was dancing round in a circle with the kids.

    “My husband loves pounded yam with white soup; then he cannot do without bread and tea. He loves old school music and Makossa music. He also loves Tupac and Bob Marley

    MEET EMEH PATRICK PASCAL 

    My name is Umeh-Usendiah Patrick Pascal. I’m from a family of five. I’m the third child. I met my husband in 2003; I just finished secondary school and got admission into Abubakar Tafawa-Balewa University, Bauchi. My dad was a military personnel and my mum worked and still works at the National Universities Commission (NUC) where she is a director now.

     

    FATIMA & GARBA LAWAL

    ‘Patience and respect, key to our marriage’

    Experts say married couple most often than not, have contrasting characteristics to complement each other but there seemed to be no marked differences between Fatima and Garba Lawal – the love birds are epitome of candour and patience.

    Lawal, the former Super Eagles’ midfield Trojan in his heyday, is as  cool as cucumber and you have to really squeeze water out of stone to get him speak about any other thing than his affirmed love for football.

    “You can meet your wife anywhere, after all something would always lead a man to a woman,” Lawal long told our correspondent in an interview. “Maybe you can meet a woman of your dream at a restaurant, maybe at a marriage reception, maybe somebody recommends a fine girl to you or on the street. Something must join a man and woman together.

    “I think our meeting was just a coincidence because I actually went out to buy some foodstuffs when I first saw her. What attracted me to her was her nice disposition and frankly, she is beautiful,” he noted.

    Responding to enquiries about that fortuitous encounter with Lawal, Fatima reeled with laughter before opening up: “We met here in Kaduna; at the Murtala Square where I usually go for walkout then. I think what attracted me was his calmness and simplicity. It wasn’t a case of love at first sight and we actually started with phone calls and we dated for almost a year.

    “He actually proposed to me through a text message, so there wasn’t any gift when he proposed.”

    Speaking further, Fatima said Lawal shares striking qualities with her father which has naturally   impacted on their marriage, adding that the former Roda JC star is a husband to be proud of.

    “My husband is loving and extremely caring and he’s like my father, the best father in world,” hinted Fatima. “My husband has some qualities like my father with the way he stands and takes care of his family in any situation. He’s also religious and very neat.”

    While the marriage between the duo  has produced two lovely kids: a  boy and a girl, Fatima said her love with Lawal is still fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail, revealing the 43-year-old former coordinator of the national Under-17 team that won silver during the FIFA U-17 World Cup Nigeria 2009, remains her ultimate lover boy.“Marriage and arrival of our children haven’t changed him; he is still the same person. He is loving and caring and plays with the children a lot.

    “He is very romantic and he loves teasing me a lot and there is nothing about him that I don’t like,” she explained.

    Though no wife of an athlete enjoys the luxury of having her husband close-by as much as she wanted, occasioned with his constant travels outside their home in Kaduna, Fatima said she has since adjusted to such demanding lifestyle: “Yes, my husband’s work sometimes takes him away and at first I used to be lonely, but now I’m already used to it. We have two lovely kids now, Abubakar and Aisha. My husband was there in the labour room with me (during their births).”

    Lawal cut in: “I always miss my family if I’m not around but I give them the best of my time when I’m at home. I’m happy with the woman I married; she is God-fearing, she has good heart, she is dedicated, smart, patient and very beautiful.”

    In another breath, Fatima has equally given a rare insight into the kind the personae of Lawal, adding that she had long discovered the road to the heart of her significant other.

     

    MEET FATIMA LAWAL

    My name is Fatima Akilu. I’m from Kano State but was born and brought up in Kaduna.  We are four children of my parents; three girls and a boy, but I’m the first born of the family. I studied Sociology at Bayero University in Kano. We got married in December 2009 and by the grace of God we are now blessed with two lovely kids: Abubakar and Aisha.

  • Why marriages are crashing

    Why marriages are crashing

    Dr. (Mrs.) Nkem  Okoro has been into counseling for over three decades. In the process she has touched lives and transformed many marriages. In this interview  with  Omolara Akintoye, Okoro who is  also  the Founder of  ‘The Wife’ an organisation  that  focuses on building excellent homes to transform the society, spoke on  her achievements,  challenges  women face in marriage, divorce and others .

    There is increased rate in the cases of divorce in the society.  What   do you think is responsible   and   how can it be avoided?

    A fighting spirit is needed to keep marriage together. If you do not see your marriage as a battle ground, then you may not have a successful marriage.  People are not ready to fight the battle of their marriage together and so they easily give up whenever there is   a little problem.

    One can also attribute the high rate of divorce to the economic empowerment of women. Most women now  believe that what their husbands can do , they can do it better. As a result, you find that at the  slightest  opportunity or  conflict, many are ready to opt for  divorce because those women   believe  that  they can sustain themselves   economically   after they have separated from their spouses.  On the other hand, you also find that some couples do not have the fear of God who is the founder of marriage.

    There is also the problem of    parental or third party influence.  Added to all this is the fact that ,some couples are still living in their family houses.  For marriage to be successful, couples should not allow third party to  influence them. They should separate from their parents, but that does not mean that they will not take good  care of their parents. To keep marriage going, it takes a lot of efforts by both the husband and wife.  Some couples also divorce because of childlessness. It ought not to be so because childless couples can now adopt children .

    As a long time counselor, how many troubled homes have you   restored? What are your discoveries about major challenges of women in marriage?

    The history of my counseling in marriages spans over 33 years and since then l have been able to restore many homes that were on the verge of collapse. I  remembered after  our  wedding , we packed  in to  a new  apartment  and there was  a   couple living down  stairs  with  their children. The man had issues with the wife. They decided to get me involved, l really helped to resolve the issues, ever since then they have been enjoying their marriage. In every aspect of life, it is only people   who are   focused, determined  and purposeful in whatever they  do will  eventually  become successful. In marriage, it is the same thing. Women that are focused and always give attention to their marriages   are the ones succeeding in their relationships.   So, l will say that the major challenge women face in marriage is lack of focus.  Some of them are not determined to  make  their    marriages work,   it is such women that have problems in their marriages. Like everything in life, challenges must be there, but when you are focused, you will be able to handle the challenges that come your way, you will not allow those challenges to distract you from achieving your goal in life.

    Many believed that there are still  some cultural practices that  impede  women’s advancement  in the society. What is your view on that?

    Culture is people’s way of life. In some cultures, people believe that a woman must be married. As a result, some families do not like to invest on female children’s education. To them, is like wasting of resources.  Such thinking   should be changed. The fact is that when you train a woman even if she is married, her offspring will benefit from the training.  When a woman is well trained, she will contribute to the development of her family as well as the nation.

    Another area is the issue of giving   out girls early in marriage.

    Some cultures still advocate that. l do not think it is good for the development of a woman, because when a girl marries early, she  will start having children  immediately  , the opportunity of schooling will not be there. Such a girl will not develop herself and it is like a vicious cycle of poverty.  It will lead to illiteracy problem that will keep reoccurring and may linger  till  the next generation. If you educate a woman, her family will be healthier as she will be able to feed the children better.  Economic wise, she will earn some money that will be invested into the family. In every area, it is more beneficial to invest in a woman.

    There is also Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), that is   female circumcision which some people are still practicing it. This should also be eradicated.

  • Chima Anyaso expects second baby after broken marriages

    When one door closes, they say, another opens. This age long aphorism holds true for Ceecon Oil boss, Chima Anyaso, considering the recent events around him. While a heartbreak would leave some people with permanent injury, it is not the case with the Abia State-born dude.

    His earlier relationships with Onyeka Odiegwu and Neya Kalu collapsed like badly arranged cards but he strode into a fresh union with Adanna Nzeribe and it has been joyful tales ever since.

    The couple, who have been married for a little over three years, are expecting their second child after their first, Chimazala Joan-Chinyere, who was born not too long ago. Chima and Adanna seem to be enjoying the best of times.

    Adanna, daughter of the strong man of Imo politics, Senator Arthur Nzeribe, is said to be having a swell time in Chima’s house despite the short time between her pregnancies. The two lovebirds recently went on social media with a picture showing Adanna with a protruding belly. The two got married in a glamorous ceremony in the United Kingdom on August 10, 2013.

  • Nigeria’s epidemic of imploding marriages

    Nigeria’s epidemic of imploding marriages

    Going by the spate of upheavals, violence and breakages in marriages, this year’s Family Day celebration essentially had enough issues on the front-burner, as several fora tried to explore the issues. Assistant Editor, Yetunde Oladeinde and Dorcas Egede attempt an appraisal of the situation..

    Families, healthy lives and a sustainable future. That is the theme for this year’s Family Day celebration. Unfortunately, a lot of things threaten the existence of the family today. This includes the spate of spousal abuse, abandonment, betrayal, extreme financial crisis and the unbearable desire to get rich quickly. Spouses are therefore always ready to do anything to satisfy this – no matter whose ox is gored.
    Marriage, interestingly, is one factor that is considered when describing who is a responsible member of a society and who is not. In spite of the advantages, we still have a great number of divorce cases in our societies. One therefore begins to wonder what has gone wrong with this most respected social institution.
    The reason for this ugly phenomenon is not far- fetched. It ranges from economic problems to misunderstanding from both parties and other extraneous factors.
    Violence and spousal abuse has become very rampant because of frustrations and economic problems. One of the most recent cases involves Lekan Shonde, the dockworker who allegedly killed his wife, Ronke during a scuffle at their Egbeda residence in Lagos. 31-year-old Akolade Arowolo, who went on trial for allegedly killing his banker wife, Titilayo, about five years ago, was sentenced to death by hanging by an Ikeja High Court.
    Celebrities have had their fair share of crisis on a regular basis; and on such occasions, you are inundated with tales of how things fell apart. However, there are some celebrities who have been lucky with their marriages; instead of experiencing diminishing returns in the union, they wax stronger. Ashionye Michelle Raccah has been lucky to find a man who understands her personality and career. “Marriage has been fantastic, my husband and I are like friends; we are like brother and sister, more than husband and wife. We don’t have secrets, we share everything together.”
    The singer, actress and producer added: “I believe that is what has been keeping the marriage going. I am lucky to be married to someone who is also in the business and enjoys it. There are no restrictions, he believes in professionalism. We thank God for the journey so far, and we are praying to be together till we are grey and old.”
    Infidelity is one of the greatest reasons for the crisis and subsequently disentanglement. For Ene Aliu, this certainly is not the season for love at all. She recently discovered that her man betrayed the marriage vows barely ten months after they got married. “I did not know that anything was going on. He kept on travelling for business trips. Each time he came back, my husband came with so many gifts and I was so impressed with him. I told everyone around me that he was the best husband in the whole world.”
    Sadly, the dream ended abruptly. “Someone sent me some pictures of my husband with another woman and a love child. I was so sure it was a lie and I didn’t believe it. Perhaps it was a ploy to bring confusion within.” So she decided to find out from her husband to allay her fears. “When I asked him about it, he said it was true and he was not sober at all.”
    She was devastated.
    Interestingly, deception in marriage is not just about infidelity. It actually comes in different guises. Florence Adigun is another woman whose marriage hit the rocks from the onset. “I got married on the 8th of October 2003 to a man I met through his mum. Even though, he was older, he was very good looking, simple and easy going.”The wedding process went well but the crisis came when she discovered that the man she just got married to was impotent.
    “On the night of the wedding, we were together in a hotel for our honeymoon and I looked forward to our first night together. All night, we were together but he did not make any move towards me and I was so confused. I also noticed that he became restless and when it was 5am I asked him what was wrong. Suddenly, he went on his knees begging me and telling me he was impotent. He also pleaded that I should not tell his mother anything because if she finds out, she will kill me.”
    Like Adigun, twenty-nine year old Rebecca wished her marriage would last a lifetime. To make this happen, she took her time and refused to date just anybody. Finally, she found someone she loved. “We met at a friend’s wedding and it was love at first sight. We got married shortly afterwards and everyone in his family was so good to me”.
    Lucky? Not really! Barely two weeks after tying the knot with her Romeo, she discovered that he was mentally unstable. “I felt so bad because it was something everybody knew about but they cleverly kept it away from me”.
    Sadly, she continued her story: “He got angry with everything I did and I became a punching bag. One day, I ran away from his house; I didn’t wait to pick anything. I was so traumatised and just didn’t know what to do with my life after that experience.”
    Once bitten, twice shy. This aptly captures Thelma Adikwu’s views on marriage. Born with the silver spoon, she was unfortunate to have fallen in love with a gold digger. The marriage lasted for about eighteen months and she just had to move on with the pieces. “While I was growing up as a little girl, at some point in my life, I said I did not want to get married. It was because of what we had seen. Also while I was growing up, my father left my mother and the experience was not a nice one.”
    Divorce and marital crisis is not synonymous with celebrities and the rich alone. It actually cuts across every strata of the society. Visits to a few customary courts reveal a number of dramatic cases, where parties concerned seek dissolution to the unions they promised to keep ,’till death do us apart”, depicting the sad state of the marriage institution.
    At Oriade Local Council Development Area in Lagos, a petitioner, Jemila Zubair sought the approval of the court to dissolve the less than two years marriage with her husband, Jamiu Zubair.
    Jemila Zubair wants the marriage dissolved on the ground of infidelity, lack of trust, disrespect and incompatibility. Jemila, who wants the marriage dissolved because Jamiu has married another woman, told the court that she couldn’t continue living with him because of his infidelity.
    Jamiu however revealed his frustration to the court. He said he was left with no other choice than to remarry because his wife wets the bed, and having done everything possible to help her stop the bad habit without success, he decided to take another wife.
    Jemila said she wants the divorce because according to her, she has found someone else who is interested in marrying her, but wants to end her marriage with Jamiu in order to forestall any future problems.
    The case which has been adjourned on three occasions was again adjourned to the 31st of May 2016.
    In another sitting at the customary court, a petitioner, Mr. Nkemakolam Charles has sued for the dissolution of his 7-year-old marriage with the respondent, Mrs. Amaka Charles.
    Nkemakolam wants the marriage contracted in Anambra State, Nigeria, in accordance with the Christian customary vow, and blessed with two children, Bishop Chibuize Charles, aged 6 and Adaeze Success Charles, aged 4; dissolved on the ground of a broken marriage, incompatibility, and repeated threats from Mrs. Amaka.
    The petitioner, therefore, seeks for order to dissolve the existing marriage with the respondent, order to grant the custody of the children to the petitioner and respondent; feeding and school fees maintenance allowance by the petitioner, and order for the protection of life from the continuous threat of the respondent.
    This case was examined on the 17th of May 2016, and judgment for the dissolution of the marriage was passed by the court president.
    At another customary court in Igando, Lagos, you are faced with another addition to the list of failed marriages and it breaks the heart. Here the court dissolved the marriage of one Ganiyat Falana, 37, on the grounds of infidelity.
    Ganiyat and Dare Falana were until the dissolution of the union, married for 15 years.
    Dare, a 40-year-old business man, had approached the court, seeking the dissolution of the marriage because of infidelity and threats to his life. The estranged husband, who described his wife as adulterous, claimed to have caught her with a man friend in his room eating and chatting.
    “My wife is always threatening my life with dangerous weapons, and she once chased me with a knife in our street threatening to stab me. She is a good fighter, her hobby is fighting. I have at least on five occasions bailed her from the police station.
    Ganiyat however described Dare as fetish, claiming that he killed the foetus in her womb.
    “I saw my bra inside my husband’s brief case; I queried him but he said he wanted to take it to the church for prayers. He also brought a handkerchief home for me to clean my private part with and return to him; but I refused. Apart from his fetish nature, he also turned me into a punching bag.” She said bitterly.
    Delivering judgment, the president of the court, Mr. Adegboyega Omilola said, “the court has no choice but to dissolve the union; in spite of the fact that the wife still claims she loves her husband.”
    “The court pronounces the marriage between Dare Falana and Ganiyat Falana dissolved today. Both parties henceforth cease to be husband and wife.” Omilola ruled.
    The vows taken during the wedding ceremony, according to Naomi Adams, a social worker and counselor, hint that marriage is not a bed of roses. “Unfortunately, a lot of people go into wrong relationships that are prone to trouble from the onset. The focus usually is on beauty and other material things, which usually turn out to be temporary. As soon as these things disappear, they change their attitude towards the person they claim they love. The problem is that so many people are desperate to get married at all cost. Yet, they do not want to do the things required to get loyalty and win a heart without tears.”
    Immaturity, according to some experts, is usually responsible for a number of the marital woes that are rampant now. “I was a victim of teenage marriage. At eleven, my father married me off to a village teacher and I never liked the idea. I could not refuse and that action destablised me then and later in life. I didn’t know or understand the implication of marriage as an institution then because I was in primary three,” informs Benedicta Ibrahim who hails from Kogi State.
    That marriage lasted for four years and her brother, a banker helped to refund the dowry. “Luckily, I was too tender to get pregnant and I went back to school. Somehow, I was lured into another marriage which lasted for three years and I went back to school again”, she recounts.
    However, it is not all negative. There are a number of people who are having wonderful times in their marriage. Aramide Oladele, who has been married for about 28 years, is one of such people. “Whenever my husband is happy, I try to make him happier. I cook his favourite dish for him. And it is during this period that I put before him issues that, have been waiting for him to handle. This is the time I can get money and all the basic things I want from him. If he is angry, I try to pacify him. But when he makes me angry, I just keep quiet. Over the years, I learnt to keep quiet when he is angry. I withdraw, I will not talk again and when he observes this, he would come to me and ask me what he had done wrong.”
    Pastor Bisi Adewale, an expert of marital issues believes that there are certain ingredients needed to sustain a blissful home. “The first is commitment, a state of being willing to give a lot of time, energy and resources to one’s spouse. Secondly, the spiritual wellbeing of the couple is also very important. They must allow God in their home and give Him the leadership role. Once, the presence of God is missing in a marriage; the devil will be in the driver’s seat driving such homes into stormy waters.”
    He adds that: “Togetherness is compulsory where marriage must be the best. Research shows that couples that do things together tend to be closer, understand each other and have a successful marriage, than those who don’t spend time together. If your marriage must be strong, you must live together, talk, sleep, play, pray and eat together. Mind you, many things like hours spent at work, watching TV, talking to your friends, salon and the internet are competing seriously with your time to the detriment of your marriage. To make your marriage a success, you must make your spouse part of your daily schedules, regardless of how busy you are.”

  • Murderous marriages

    Murderous marriages

    •More must be done to reduce spousal abuse and killings

    The arrest of Mr. Lekan Shonde, who fled his Egbeda-Idimu, Lagos home after allegedly beating his wife, Ronke, to death, highlights the disturbing increase in marital murders in a nation where they were previously so rare as to be unheard of.

    The Shondes’ story is depressingly familiar: increasing matrimonial tensions, exacerbated by jealousy and suspicion, aggravated possibly by physical abuse. Mr. Shonde’s own explanations have been somewhat inconsistent; he has variously said that he did not touch her, that he “only” slapped and pushed her, and that she was fine when he left the house on the fateful Thursday that she was last seen alive. Hopefully, a comprehensive police investigation will uncover the true facts of the matter.

    The Shonde tragedy is only the latest in a series of growing occurrences of  such incidents in Nigeria. Perhaps the best-known recent case is that of the Arowolos which occurred in June 2011. The wife, Titilayo, was stabbed more than 76 times by her husband, Akolade, apparently in a fit of murderous rage. In February 2014, a Lagos High Court sentenced him to death.

    In July 2013, Wale Agbaje allegedly beat his wife, Jumoke, to death in Ilesha, Osun State during a domestic quarrel. In the same month, Damilare Olotu poisoned his wife, Mary, in Ondo allegedly for being barren. In April this year, Fatima Ibrahim was allegedly killed by her husband, Manu, in Katsina; he was apparently intent on acquiring her inheritance.

    Like all social ills, the causes of marital murders are complex. Some are related to the increasing urbanisation of the country’s landscape, with all the associated problems that it brings in its wake. There is also the weakening of taboos and other forms of social control which make it less likely for individuals to engage in certain sorts of behaviour. The decline of the extended family and its capacity for amicably settling marital disputes is yet another factor.

    Role-reversal within marriage is another feature of modern matrimonial relationships which can increase tensions and turn love into hate. Nigeria’s economic challenges have led to a sharp rise in unemployment which has led to many husbands losing their jobs, thereby making wives the primary breadwinners for their households. Some men are unable to come to terms with the seeming loss of prestige that this situation entails. The consequence is increased spousal abuse which can become a gateway to murder.

    Social attitudes have also contributed to increasing marital difficulties. The CLEEN Foundation, a non-governmental organisation (NGO), claims that a nationwide survey saw a rise in domestic violence from 21 per cent in 2011 to 30 per cent in 2013. It appears that an increasing number of men do not have a problem with physically chastising their wives. Popular culture, with its emphasis on materialism and shallow sexual relationships, only seems to worsen the problem.

    It is time for the country to confront the issue of marital murder head-on. Laws prohibiting spousal abuse and matrimonial violence should be enforced with greater rigour. The Violence Against Persons (Prohibition) Act, in particular, should be fully implemented. More states should imitate Lagos and Ekiti states in promulgating laws against domestic and gender-based violence.

    Nigeria’s community heads, leaders of thought and public role models must speak more forcefully against the phenomenon of spousal abuse; it should not be left to human-rights activists only. The ultimate goal should be to create a national atmosphere in which domestic violence will be less easy to conceal, easier to identify, and more speedily prosecuted.

    Marriage is the fundamental building-block of a healthy society. Nigeria must do all it can to ensure that it remains the durable social institution that it must continue to be if the country is to thrive.

     

  • Any hope for marriages?

    Any hope for marriages?

    THE breakdown of songstress Tiwa Savage and her manager Tunji Balogun’s marriage kept the media engrossed for the better part of two weeks. It was, however, just one more failure in a long and widening line of celebrities’ broken marriages. Distressed marriage, or its more final variant, divorce, is of course not a staple of celebrities alone. You don’t have to be famous, live in poor countries, or reside in a developing or underdeveloped democracy to divorce. Virtually the same reasons that predispose the rich and famous and the bond and free to divorce apply among the poor and dispossessed as well as among those living in democracies and under dictatorships. Indeed, divorce is fast becoming the leitmotif of humanity.

    Nigeria, for which this column can speak a little authoritatively, has found coping mechanisms for distress in marriage. From culture that frowns more at a divorced but sometimes innocent and decent woman and rhapsodises a coarse and brutish philanderer, to the law itself which is loth at every stage to weigh in with expert ideas and sensible interventions, and on to the admissibility of harems either through religion or native law and custom, it is all but guaranteed that there may never be a reliable statistics of broken marriages in Nigeria. But for many other countries outside Africa, statistics show that the marriage institution is under grave threats. More than half or two-thirds of marriages end in divorce in many developed countries, with Russia topping the list by some estimates.

    So, whether Nigerians are shocked by the reasons Ms Savage gave for the collapse of her less than two years old marriage or not, or whether they frown at the seeming irresponsibility and childish tantrums of Mr Balogun or not, there is nothing extraordinary about their inability to sustain their marriage beyond a few beggarly years. They have laundered their dirty linens too openly for the relationship to heal. As most newspapers yesterday showed through copious reporting of celebrities’ failed marriages, that special group of entertainers has a difficult task keeping their marriages going. Not only do they wed in public glare, they are literally performing marital duties, down to its salacious contents, in pure and censorious daylight. And when the crash comes, thanks to an undifferentiating and lascivious social media feasting on their stories and lusting for blood and tragedy, the fall is often mighty and irredeemable.

    This column has no interest in examining why Ms Savage and Mr Balogun’s marriage collapsed. It is a needless exercise. The damage is already done, and no celebrity, let alone an anonymous commoner, will learn any lesson. Were that possible, every celebrity would learn to pick and choose well after examining the grief a colleague came to. Indeed, how do you counsel someone who is by nature not reflective to reflect on a prospective partner? How do you advise someone whose testosterone is racing, and who is determined to give free rein to that untethered, high-pitched momentum till his 70s, to avoid a prudish lady of high breeding who has mastered her own desires? How do you prod an irreligious man whose every instinct and pore exudes polygamous fantasies to sustain a sedentary lifestyle revolving around one great and perhaps deep and professorial woman? The world is a fantastic pastiche of multiplicity and florid display of personalities. Success will always mix with failure, and evil with good, until utopia comes.

    The marriage institution is today being redefined. In times past it could not exist except between a man and a woman. Now it has multiple and even legal and constitutional meanings. It is not yet known how far and wide the frontiers of marriage would be expanded; but perhaps in this generation, newer and more troubling definitions would become legally and constitutionally admissible. For the purpose of this piece, a traditional definition of marriage will be assumed. Furthermore, it will be assumed that a distinction between a peaceful or good marriage and a warring and unstable marriage exists. The unstable marriage may not always end in divorce if a spouse exhibits the forbearance needed to accommodate an unreasonable partner. But it is far better for a prospective couple to study each other beyond the surface to discover common grounds, common worldviews, and internal constitutions transcending the meretricious.

    It is strange that the world seems oblivious of the danger constituted to the health of the community by dysfunctional marriages, whether in permanent instability, as seems the norm, or in regression to divorce. Whether the world likes it or not, the larger picture of politics or business is a reflection and projection of the smaller emblematic picture of marriage. The more dysfunctional families become, of which marriage is the cornerstone, the more the society becomes susceptible to vices and tyrannies of every kind. Scarred marriages leave lasting impact on nuclear and extended families, no matter how valiantly they attempt to transcend its troubling elements and consequences. Napoleon Bonaparte’s unrequited love for the hugely distracted Josephine was a factor in his rule, leading in the opinion of this columnist to an attenuation of his policy brilliance and genius, and serving as a trigger for his frequent eruptions and tenuous family attachments. Joseph Stalin’s lack of family mooring bordering on disdain for his wife, Nadezheda Alliluyeva, whom he drove to distraction, given his impatience with her bipolar disorder, might explain a part of his misanthropy in the name of industrialisation, economic growth and empire building.

    In contrast, the quietude enjoyed by Charles de Gaulle on the home front buoyed by the couple’s compatibility might also explain a significant part of the success he achieved as a leader and the composure with which he took principled stand at key junctures of his life and politics, including his characteristic brinkmanship. Winston Churchill’s achievements, largeness and lofty principles are difficult to comprehend outside his stable and effervescent marriage to a woman, Clementine, whom he described as complex and formidable, especially given both his general disposition to gamble his future on the throw of a dice and the depression that sometimes wracked him. The marriage angle to successful leadership and politics may require more study, but this column has always been intrigued by a noticeable correspondence between some degree of stability and complementarity on the home front and the successful enunciation of great and visionary ideas and implementation of great and impactful societal programmes. The point is that there is of course no direct correlation between a good marriage and great leadership, but a potentially great leadership may be derailed or undermined by unstable marriage.

    But far more importantly, every prospective spouse has a responsibility to choose a partner well, whether he is into music, entertainment, politics or leadership. Peace of mind is irreplaceable. Complementarity is great and profound. And to choose well is to find a soul mate in the idealistic sense who is dead or indifferent to materialism, who is unfazed by a spouse’s achievements, who sees sex not in the unrealistic and hyperbolic sense the world now sees it but as an expression of closeness, warmth, friendship and bonding. Today, every medium — from radio to television as well as newspapers to Internet — promotes sex in the lurid, prurient and detached and casual sense, sustained by a cornucopia of pharmaceutical concoctions, pornography and heights of pleasure that are either difficult to achieve or sustain without resorting to monstrosities and other forms of addictions. The celebration and glamorisation of sex have created disturbing diversions from its original and more sensible and restrained purposes, to explorations in uncharted and demonstrably unsustainable terrains. These in turn have led to either the redefinition, if not complete expunction, of the term ‘infidelity’, or its subsumption to indulgent, age-old cultural signposts. It has also led to men killing and priming themselves to please their spouses in the jackal sense, and women exhibiting themselves in the limiting and humiliating sense as objects of pleasure.

    As Ms Savage and Mr Balogun are demonstrating by their very public and tragic falling-out, the consequences of a broken marriage go far beyond the obvious. In their flawed relationship, they mirror so many things about the indiscriminate morphing of Nigerian culture, the distressing and lascivious spirit of the age, the shifting understanding and redefinition of values in their relentless state of atrophy, and the overwhelming movement towards a global mean of marital fundamentals that conform lesser and lesser to the human species. For the marriage institution, global scepticism is giving way to global cynicism. And as bad choices mix with bad character and misshapen values, the world will gradually drift from anchor farther into a formless sea of moral turpitude exposing a yawning gap that cannot be bridged till the end of days.

  • Abduction and forced marriages

    Abduction and forced marriages

    It is time to bring this injustice to an end

    The exposure of several cases of child-abduction, forced conversion and coerced marriage has revealed the fault lines of religion and ethnicity that continue to bedevil Nigeria. They also demonstrate the failure of the country’s law-enforcement capabilities and question its capacity for cultural growth.

    Several high-profile cases have come to public notice in the last few weeks. There is 14-year-old Lucy Ejeh, kidnapped in Zamfara State by one Hajiya Zarau in 2009 and forcibly converted to Islam. There is 14-year-old Blessing Siman, a Junior Secondary School (JSS) 2 student, who was abducted in 2010 in Lugbe, Abuja, by one Bilhadi Yakuba alias Dan Daura, converted to Islam and married to him.

    There is Patience Paul, a 14-year-old primary six pupil, seized by two male neighbours in Sokoto in August last year, and allegedly held captive in the palace of a traditional ruler. And there is 14-year-old Ese Oruru, seized in Yenagoa, Bayelsa State by one Yunusa Dahiru, taken to Kano State in August 2015, converted to Islam and married. Miss Oruru is now pregnant.

    These cases are all distinguished by several disturbing features. The victims were all well below the legal age for sexual or marital consent. Their abductions received cultural sanction; the conversions and marriages got the full approval of the abductors’ communities. There was no apparent objection to the abductions from the police or judicial authorities, who in several cases, facilitated them.

    How is it possible for normal teenage girls who had no association with criminality of any sort to be taken in public, in broad daylight by individuals who had absolutely no concept of the impropriety of their actions? In some cases, the whereabouts of the girls were known to their parents, but they were unable to retrieve them due to the opposition of prominent members of the community as well as the police.

    In other contexts, abductions of this sort are roundly condemned for the crimes that they are; the widespread denunciation of kidnappings by insurgents, ritualists and ransom-seekers is clear testimony to that fact. When it comes to these abduction-conversion-marriage cases, however, it appears that some Nigerians prefer to hide under the cloak of religion and culture to justify them. Police officers who are supposed to treat complaints from the girls’ families with dispatch are indifferent or even hostile; judges arrest complainants and allow abductors and their victims to escape; traditional rulers provide safe havens for abductors and empower them financially and otherwise.

    The logical consequence of such attitudes is that the abductions of girls has continued unabated; it took the celebrated Ese Oruru case for the public to realise that the medieval practice of wife-capture has continued into modern times, despite Nigeria’s claims to decency and its pretensions to civilization.

    There are those who feel that it is wrong to read religious meanings into the abductions and coerced marriage of girls. When people are kidnapped for ransom or ritual purposes, they argue, nobody refers to the religious affiliation of their abductors. The fact is that the religious element to these cases is simply too obvious to be denied. The abducted girls were all Christians; they were abducted by people who claimed to be Muslims; they were converted to Islam without the permission of their parents; they were married ostensibly under Islamic tenets.

    Nigeria must begin to draw the line against criminal actions that appear to have the sanction of religion or culture. Any practice which goes against the fundamental human rights of the citizenry as enshrined in the constitution must be banned outright. There must be no allowance for sentimental appeals to culture, tradition or religion which only serve to create a loophole for the blatant violation of the inalienable freedoms of fellow-citizens.

    While eliminating cultural and religious justifications for patently criminal activity, the country must ensure that it also deals with the police, judicial and traditional authorities who either ignore or collaborate with those who abduct underage girls. In several cases, the police have been indicted for their poor response to these crimes. All cases of alleged abduction must be reviewed, and where dereliction of duty can be proven with respect to the police, those found liable should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The same goes for the traditional rulers whose actions have made them complicit. There can be no room for compromise; those who abuse their positions to perpetrate criminality should have no refuge whatsoever.

    It is especially important that justice be seen to be done in these cases, given the way in which the potent mix of religion and ethnicity intersect within them. By ensuring that no one is above the law, regardless of ethnicity, religion or social status, the simmering tensions triggered by these cases can be doused.

  • ‘How to make marriages work’

    ‘How to make marriages work’

    President of Family Booster Ministries, Pastor Bisi Adewale, spoke with Sunday Oguntola on the fundamentals of Christian marriages. Excerpts: 

    Why are many marriages turbulent in this part of the world?

    The problems of marriages are unique to each environment and individuals. Marriages in Europe and Africa have unique challenges. African marriages have peculiar and unique. In Lagos for example, the challenges will be peculiar. If a woman works in Lekki and closes by 5pm. She won’t be home until 10pm if she stays in Ijoko, Ogun State.

    That’s different from a marriage in the village where the woman is back from the farm by 2pm every day. The challenges that women who have shops face will also be peculiar. They don’t have leave or off-days, meaning their husbands will either have to come to their shops to eat or the meals are parceled to them.

    Urbane Christian marriages are affected by the lack of work-life balance. People don’t understand that we have many balls to juggle and how you do it successfully determines your marital environment.

    What are some of these balls to juggle?

    You have to ball of your spiritual life, work life, family life, church life and many others. You have to find a balance for your marriage to survive and thrive. A Pastor recently banned members from belonging to more than one or two units. He realised that people were always in church for one unit meeting or the other that gives them no time to enjoy their homes. He found out it was affecting marriages in his church. In some other place, some people will say that pastor is not spiritual. But he is and also wise. The truth is sometimes church activities can kill marriages.

    How is that possible?

    Some churches observe fasting for the first three months of the year. Members must participate and they are banned from meeting with their spouses, which is totally wrong. The Bible says we must not have sex during fasting but once you break from 6pm-11-59pm, spouses are free to enjoy conjugal sex.

    We have situations where churches ban couples from sleeping in the same room during fasting. They even tell them to separate a night before receiving Holy Communion. Is that to say what happens the night before is an unholy communion?

    So, if church activities are not well managed and regulated, they will destroy marriages. That is why pastors must be careful because if a marriage breaks, the church will lose at least five to seven people. The church loses members, finance and integrity.

    There are growing concerns over marital crises that ended up being escalated after pastoral counselling. What could be responsible for this?

    That is true. I have seen situations where pastors have done a lot of damages to marriages. That is because a lot of them are very biased. Many of them are disposed towards the higher tither or seed sower. If the husband gives N50, 000 monthly and the wife cannot even afford anything, the pastor is naturally likely to take sides more with the husband in the counselling room if he is not well-trained.

    Our seminaries are not working us in this regard. They don’t have curriculum for marital counselling. We train Pastors to join couples but fail to equip them on how they can counsel them to stay married happily.

    Unfortunately, every pastor is a marriage counsellor. Even if he just beat his wife in the room, someone is waiting for him in the office for his counsel on marriage. That is why every pastor must be trained on marital counselling. Many of them are not trained and just resort to traditional marriage counselling.

    What is traditional marriage counselling?

    That is a situation where the wives are always the guilty parties in every dispute. The husbands are always vindicated even before the wives are heard. That is what happened in traditional societies. The wives always leave the resolution meetings embittered and hurt. The mediating parties only postpone the evil days; the woman will fight back.

    So, pastors should be trained in the art of marital counselling. This is difficult from normal counselling. Unfortunately, seventy percent of counselling revolves around marriage. But if a pastor is not trained, he ends up aggravating marital crises.

     Do Pastors come to the Marriage School you run?

    A few pastors are humble enough to attend and some are sending their wives to attend. That is still fair but it is not the best. At times, members cannot trust their Pastor’s wives to confide in them. A lot of Prophets are not helping too. They can tell a husband ‘your wife is your problem. You must fast to get rid of her.’ That is a big crisis we have in our hands.

    So, we need more pastors on board so that we don’t ruin homes. They need to know how to run their marriages too so that they will be good examples for members. If marriages are not taught in churches, it will affect parenting. That will hurt how we raise our kids. If all we preach in church is finance, people will be rich but then destroy the church. They will raise vagabonds. You realise that most of our musical super stars used to be in the church. We didn’t parent them well and they left for secular music.

    Most preachers say there is equality in marriage. Is that a biblical concept?

    I think we have to differentiate between equality and justice. Equality says spouses are the same. In the eyes of God, we are equal but in justice, God makes the man the head. Spouses should operate as if they are equal but the man remains the head. Any pastor that preaches equality is wrong. I don’t believe in 50-50. I believe the wife should respect and submit to the husband while the husband should love and provide for the woman.

    If a woman believes because she is the breadwinner she is the head, she is missing it. A woman cannot ask for equality in decision-making. If every organisation, we always have many directors but there is always a Managing Director who is responsible for the final decisions. The wife can be Director Finances, Home Affairs and all that but the husband is the indisputable Managing Director. It doesn’t mean the husband should be a dictator. By justice, he shouldn’t be the headache. Any Pastor that says women and men are the same is reading his bible upside down.

    The greatest issue women have against men is not giving them attention. What do you have to say to this?   

    Naturally, men are addicted to work. Many of them will choose their work above their work, which is wrong. Then, they have victors’ mentality, which makes them think they have married the woman, they should relax. They don’t women don’t have nowhere else to go.

    They forget that one day, they will retire and come back to meet the same woman they have abandoned for years. That is the only person who cares so much for you. If a man dies, it is only the wife that will return to his grave every year. His friends, siblings and children won’t remember to go back but the wife will not forget.

    In Africa, our men are not romantic. We never saw our grandfathers and fathers playing love with our grandmothers and mothers. You see intending couples holding hands but never couples. A good man must play with his wife. Everyday should be like a valentine. Buy her gifts that she likes; make her happy and you will enjoy it.

    But many men also wonder what else women want after providing for them

    You see provision is the least on the need list of women. What women need in the descending order are affection, attention, appreciation, affirmation and provision. Women are like babies that must be pampered. If you give her provisions without the others, you have given afflictions to that woman.

    You must be a boyfriend to your wife and a lover. If you are, you are never bored when she talks. When you go to eateries, you see engaged couples listen to themselves with rapt attention.

    One day, I saw one. The guy bought the lady a yoghurt and meat-pie. He then bought out sachet water he got for himself outside the eatery. He didn’t eat from the lady’s meal. But how many husbands will do that? They will rather take the meal and ask their wives to go hungry. Only a lover will do what that guy did.

    Some intending couples are bothered about the operations of Marriage Committees. How best should the committees operate?

    The problem is not with the committees or the intending couples but the pastors. You have to carefully pick those who have affinity with the youths as committee members. Then, you should train them not to see themselves as Alphas and Omegas. Then, you must let the youths know why they need to see the committee members before marriage.

    Youths hate dictatorship, which is what most marriage committees do. The members should be taught the committee is not the Holy Spirit that chooses for couples. Marriage committee should stop at guiding people, which is what God does with us. Nobody has the right to choose for anybody but the persons involved alone.

  • How to make marriages work 

    The 21-chapter book by Olayinka Ogunmekan is a well-researched work on wedding and marriages. It addresses among others fundamental issues in marriage such as life during marriage, meaning and types of marriage, weddings dos and don’ts and how to keep a marriage. It also includes illustrations on sexual positions and many other things that one must know about marriages and weddings.

    In Chapter one, the writer defines marriage, and types of marriage where he mentioned marriage because of children, for pregnancy, based on material gain, arranged marriage, unconditional marriage. In all these he said the best is unconditional because others end drastically except unconditional.

    According to him, unconditional marriage is the one ordained by God, based on genuine love, understanding and fairness, but all the marriages  have their advantages and disadvantages.

    “There is none that is full of proof as any of them could break up if the couple do not know how to handle bad situations. A successful marriage is not the one where the couple is happy with themselves when things are good, but when things are not very normal and when things are down,” it stated.

    Chapter two talks about the road to marriage, which starts with introduction and ends with actual wedding. In this chapter he tried to point out changes and inventions that have been made and introduced to the African wedding of today and advised that people go back to the old ways of doing things.

    Chapter four explains that God and not the husband, is the head of the family while the husband and wife are students in the college of marriage. “If couples have this at the back of their minds they will tolerate themselves more and have less friction,” the writer said.

    He advised that the foundation of marriage is very important and before a couple ties the knot one of them must ensure that one of the spouses has somebody he or she looks up to in case all internal entreaties fail as nobody is perfect and people can change.

    He explained problems that can come up in marriages and ways to correct them. He also advised that people should not allow infatuations becloud their sense of judgment on who to marry.

    Still in chapter four the writer stated that people have a choice of who to marry. “Black or light complexioned, tall, average or short, an introvert or extrovert, well-kept or carefree, flashy, reserved or just calm, number of children, where and how to live, the type of work to do and whether both of you should work.”

    According to the writer these are very important things to ponder before marriage.

    On how to keep a marriage, the writer suggested that one should be able to manage conflicts that may crop up occasionally. “Talk to your spouse with some respect, and always be willing to look at the ugly situations very well before you pass comments and judgments. Do not continue to give excuses when you are accused or a wrong is pointed out to you. Never be ashamed to admit your fault. Talk courteously and try to look for ways and means to resolve issues instead of looking for how to punish or set trap for your spouse.”

    The book mentioned that spouses should try to look good always and call themselves pet names. Chapter seven  focuses on  tolerance where it described tolerance is one major thing in a successful marriage. It stated though there is always a limit to the tolerance level of any human being, in marriage there should not be any limit. If people want their marriages to stand the test of time and last forever,  there are some secrets that should remain secrets.

    “This is not to encourage deceit, but to advise that there are some past mistakes that were innocently done and would never be repeated as they could damage the trust between the couple.

    “For example, does it make sense for a lady to start counting the number of boyfriends she had before the marriage in the name of honesty. Another mistake ladies make is getting home to tell their husbands who and who made advances at them while at work of when they go to parties with friends,” it stated.

    Chapter 10 is on security feeling, while 11 dwells on sexual life. The writer identified sexual life as one major reasons for the success or failure of a marriage. He said sex is very important in marriage and disagreed with people who say there have substitute for sex in marriage.

    According to the book, the usual position is for the man to do all the work in a ‘deem-light’ or no-light at all in the room, but now it is bare  and in some cases the wife does more of the job than the ‘lazy man.’ It gives other reasons why sex is good for couples, the dos and don’ts of sex life of a couple and gave an illustration of sex positions on page 63 of the book.

    The writer advises in Chapter 12 that couples should show love to each other. The chapter focuses more on men as the writer tells them not to beat up their wives, take them out more often, buy them gifts during their birthdays while the next chapter advises that couple should make it a point of duty to sleep on the same bed every night even though they have different rooms.

    Chapter 14 is on relationship with in-laws. It states that women are very poor when it comes to relating with in-laws. It explains that: “In the Nigerian environment, a wife is always wrongly looked upon as being junior or at times inferior to members of the husband’s family. “To get their support, you have to play along with them. As the wife, you must persevere and win them to your side.”

    Chapter 15 talks about polygamy, reasons for it, influence on the children and pieces of advice that a lot of wisdom is needed to succeed in a polygamous home in modern times. The next chapter is on polyandry.

    Chapter 17 is on the children. It explains that children can make or mar a marriage.

    “Do not over pamper your children and do not give then their future too soon,” it stated. In the next chapter we are made to understand that our housemaid, driver or artisan can play a major role in our marital life. “I must tell you they play a lot and might even wreck the marriage and take over if you underrate them,” the writer stated.

    Chapter 19 is on divorce, which the writer says is the worst situation in any marriage. The next is on Wills where the writer says people should not create a problem for others after their death through their will by sharing their property unjustly.

    The last chapter is on family prayers where the writer says the husband and wife should pray together on non-working days so that they will have enough time to pray together.

    The remaining 40 pages contain prayer messages. The book is ideal for those preparing for marriage and those already married who need to understand some things in their marriage life.  In chapter nine, “mistake done” was used instead of made. Another is “number of boyfriends she had gone out with,” instead of dated. Also in the same chapter “who and who made advances “to,” instead of at were few of the errors in the book.