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Tag: marriages

  • Marriages cannot be dissolved on agreement of parties

    The Respondent as Petitioner filed a divorce petition against the Appellant as Respondent at the Osun State High Court sitting at Ilesa. The Respondent and Appellant were joined in marriage on 1st July 1989 at St. Thomas Catholic Church Ogotun Ekiti. According to the Petitioner/Respondent not long after the marriage, she discovered that the couple was not compatible. The husband was always beating her. At times he would lock her up and thus prevent her from going to work. He was always suspecting her of going out with another man. She was even admitted in the hospital as a result of the beating. The Appellant even beat her sister and father who tried to intervene. She had to leave her house which she built when the husband poured hot water on her. They both built the house. She was the one that bought the (plot) land in her husband’s name and her name. When she bought the land and started building, she was keeping the receipts with the husband to appease him and make him happy. The husband spent N700,000 on the building.

    Although the Appellant stated that he was only interested on the issue of the house, the Appellant nevertheless opposed the dissolution of the marriage because he invested in the wife and did not want to lose his investment. He also still loved the wife. He denied ever beating the wife. He did not do anything to make the wife leave the matrimonial house. It was discovered in 2004 that the wife was befriending one Mr. Femi Odebode but she denied the affair. Since then, she started staying away from the house for days. Efforts to reconcile with her proved abortive. Although the wife caused him to be arrested by the police and be detained for two days, he still loved her.

    The land and the house belonged to him and not to the wife. The house is not worth N3 million. He built it with mud block.

    After considering the evidence before him and addresses of learned counsel for both parties, the trial Court entered judgment in favour of the Petitioner/Respondent in part. The Appellant was dissatisfied and he approached the Court of Appeal asking it to set aside the judgment and dismiss the Respondent’s case upon six grounds of appeal. The following three issues were formulated from the six grounds of appeal.

     

    1. Whether the writing of affidavit verifying the facts of the divorce petition on a separate document other then on the petition complied with Order V rule 10(1) of the Matrimonial Causes Rules 1983 to make the divorce petition of the respondent competent for the court to entertain.

    2. Whether or not the ancillary orders made by the trial Court on settlement of property are supportable in law and in equity.

    3. Whether or not from the pleadings and evidence adduced by the parties their marriage could be said to have broken down irretrievably.

    Arguing issue 1, learned counsel for the Appellant submitted that the affidavit verifying the facts stated in the petition was not on the petition itself but filed separately. This it was submitted was not in compliance with Order V Rule 10(1) of the Matrimonial Causes Rules 1983 and rendered the petition incompetent which robbed the Court of jurisdiction to entertain the suit. On issue 2, it was pointed out that the Respondent as PW1 said the house was her own and that she built it herself but that this is not supported by the pleadings. Therefore the claim of the Respondent that the Appellant be ejected from her house ought to fail. It was submitted that the trial Court rightly held that the house was a matrimonial home jointly owned by the Petitioner and Respondent. As such the Respondent cannot be ejected therefrom as demanded by the Petitioner. However the trial Court somersaulted when it ordered the Respondent to vacate the matrimonial house. The Trial Court, it was submitted, correctly held that the Respondent “cannot just be ejected” as demanded by the Petitioner only to overrule itself and consequentially order the Appellant to vacate the matrimonial home and further directed the Chief Registrar to conduct a public auction of the house and distribute the proceeds of sale. It was submitted that the trial Court having found that the house was a matrimonial home jointly owned by the parties, ought to have invoked the provisions of Section 72 of the Matrimonial Causes Act, Cap 220, Laws of the Federation which deals with settlement of property. Section 72 of the Matrimonial Causes Act, it was submitted, is wide and sufficient for the Court to exercise its powers in settling the property without recourse to Yoruba custom which is inapplicable to this matter under the Marriage Act. On issue 3, it was submitted that despite the fact that there were three children of the marriage, the Respondent still argued that the marriage was not consummated. It was submitted that Section 15(2)(a) of the Matrimonial Causes Act will not avail the Respondent because there was consummation of the marriage between the Respondent and the Appellant.

    On Appellant’s issue 1, learned counsel for the Respondent submitted that the Appellant having failed to bring an application before the trial Court to set aside any irregularity in the petition cannot be heard to be raising such an objection at this stage for the first time. It was further submitted that under Order XXI Rules 2-4 of the Matrimonial Cause Rules, a petition cannot be defeated by any irregularity in the proceedings. On issue 2, it was submitted that the trial Court has unfettered discretion to make the order it made for the Appellant to vacate the house and for same to be sold by the Chief Registrar. Amaechi v. I.N.E.C. (2008) 33 NSCQLR (Pt. 1) 348; (2007) LPELR-9039(CA). On issue 3, it was submitted that the pleadings and evidence adduced by the parties show that the marriage had broken down irretrievably. The Court was referred to the remark of learned counsel for the Appellant at the trial Court that they were not contesting the divorce and all they were interested in is the issue of the house. Having caused the Respondent to narrow the issue to the house, it would cause the Respondent hardship to go into whether or not the marriage had broken down irretrievably. The trial Court was therefore right; it was submitted, in pronouncing the dissolution of the marriage.

    In determining issue 1, the Court cited that case of Unegbu v. Unegbu (2004) 11 NWLR (Pt. 884) 332 where the Court per Mahmud Mohammed JCA (as he then was) held that failure to do exactly what is required by Order V Rule 10(1) of the Matrimonial Causes Rules could be fatal to a petition. The Court noted that in that case which is very similar to this in the sense that Order V Rule 10(1) of the Matrimonial Causes Rules was not complied with the petition was struck out. The Court further noted that in that case objection was raised to the non compliance by the Respondent immediately he was served with the petition. However, the Respondent in this case raised no objection to the processes served on him, participated in the trial and conceded in part to the petition in that he did not object to the dissolution of the marriage. It was after hearing, addresses of counsel and judgment that the Appellant now sought to have the petition struck out for failure to comply with the rule. The Court held that when an irregular procedure is adopted with the acquiesce of a party to a civil action such irregular procedure cannot be a ground of appeal. Also where a wrong procedure has been followed in filing a process and no objection was raised by the party who should have objected, the Court is entitled to proceed with the hearing despite the wrong procedure followed. See Sonuga & 1 OR v. The Minister of the Federal Capital Territory & 1 OR (2010) LPELR 19789. The Court further held that the Appellant having maintained his silence on the wrong procedure in filing the petition after he had been served with the processes and participated in the trial to the end should therefore hold his peace. Issue 1, was therefore resolved in favour of the Respondent.

    On issue 2, the Court agreed entirely with the Appellant’s counsel that there was no basis for the somersault by the Trial Court. Having found that the Appellant cannot be ejected from the house it amounted to the same thing asking him to vacate the house and for it to be sold and the proceeds distributed according to Yoruba custom. The Court agreed totally with learned counsel for the Appellant that Yoruba Customary Law was inapplicable to this petition for the dissolution of a statutory marriage. There was therefore no basis for invoking Customary Law principles of distribution of the proceeds of the sale of the house. The Court held that the issue of dealing with the house under Yoruba custom had no basis as the marriage between the parties was not customary but statutory marriage. Issue 2 was resolved in favour of the Appellant.

    On issue 3, the Court held that no marriage will be dissolved merely because the parties have agreed that it be dissolved. The Court held that it will not be dissolved merely because it is a contract between two willing parties as the learned trial Judge held. The Court noted that the policy of the law is to preserve the institution of marriage. That is why marriages will not be dissolved on agreement of parties to it. The Court held that a decree for the dissolution of marriage would therefore only the granted if the petitioner has proved that the marriage had broken down irretrievably and that the petitioner finds it intolerable to live with the respondent. See Section 15 of the Matrimonial Act and Damulak v. Damulak (2004) 8 NWLR (Pt. 874) 651. Issue 3 was resolved in favour of the respondent.

    On the whole, the Court held that the appeal succeeds in parts. The order of the Court ordering the Appellant to vacate the matrimonial house and directing the Chief Registrar to get a valuer to value the house, sell by public auction and distribute the proceeds was set aside. The Court affirmed the decree granted for the dissolution of the marriage and the order restraining the Appellant from threatening or disturbing the Respondent at her place of work or abode.

    •Edited by Lawpavillion

     

  • Why Bride price is important in marriages

    Why Bride price is important in marriages

    The average Nigerian wedding today takes four phases basically, which obviously does not mean getting married four different times to four different persons, but to the same person in four different ways, as dictated by religion, culture, tradition, and civil law.

    In Yoruba Land, the Introduction Ceremony (Mọ̀n-mí-n-mọ̀n-ọ́) is the First Phase. Families of the intending couple formally meet for acquaintances and assert their consent to the proposed marriage. Some are done in a living room setting with strictly the nuclear or immediate extended families in attendance, and for some others, only the paying of Bride Price separates this from the proper engagement ceremony. During many Introductions these days, the groom and his friends prostrate severally to the bride’s family (signifying a plea to marry their daughter), intending couple cuts the cake, spokespersons usually referred to “AlágaÌjókó” representing the bride’s family and “AlágaÌdúró” standing for the groom’s side are used, gifts such as fruits, wine and drinks are exchanged and so on.)

    The Second Phase is called The Traditional Wedding i.e. The Engagement (Ìdána), which showcases the couple in their traditional attire; with virtually a replication of all that had occurred during the Introduction, paying the Bride Price and all other dues, and also bringing Engagement Items (“Ẹrù Ìyàwó”) as demanded by the Bride’s Family e.g. 42 Tubers of Yam, Kolanut, Bitter Kola, Wine, Luggage Box (definitely not an empty one), Bags of Salt, Sugar and Honey, to mention a few. These are all meant to be warmly received by the Bride’s Family.

    Surprisingly, a recent wind of returning the Bride Price to the groom’s family has swept across the land; in the light of not selling the Bride (I wonder where this unstylish vogue came from). Bride Price is slowly but surely becoming alien and unwelcome in the 21st century, because the practice is misconstrued as such a dehumanizing practice to women, especially from a Western philosophical point of view. Parents perceive that their daughters are being maltreated by wicked husbands on the excuse that they have been paid for, like a “commodity”.

    And while many blame this derision on families that take advantage of the Bride Price to make outrageous demands, others believe that how a man treats his woman may not necessarily depend on whether or not he paid her Bride Price, but greatly on his personality. Saying men maltreat their wives because they paid their Bride Price is like saying the expensive diamond engagement rings also produce women-beaters in the West. Jacob served 14 years as a Price to marry Rachel; a “Bride Service” that portrayed the value he placed on her – which is what the token called Bride Price is all about.

    In this contemporary era, it appears many are not aware that the Bride Price serves to protect the marriage from dissolution. It is NOT degrading to women and does not reduce them to slaves; not in any way tantamount to making a man feel like a slave master who owns a slave he has paid for. In actual fact, Bride Price is an instrument to ratify a marriage. It is one of the highest honours confirming a bride’s value and womanhood; giving a husband the full rights to the sexual, economic, or procreative powers of his wife. It fosters a friendly relationship between the two families; providing a material pledge that the woman and her children will be well treated and a level of compensation to her natal family for the loss of her company and labour.

    It is most often a matter of social, cultural, symbolic and economic reciprocity, being part of a long series of exchanges between the families. A symbol of sincerity and good faith connected with a woman’s reputation and esteem in the community. A token that highlights a degree of commitment and chivalry in a man and shows he does not only value his bride, but also holds a high regard for her family. No amount of money can buy a wife; her value is inestimable in human terms. No man can pay for all the input of those who raised a good woman and all the benefits she brings; her love, care, help and companionship far outweigh any monetary value. A Bride Price is a humble demonstration of appreciation, honour and respect to the bride’s family for all the work they put into raising/training “this” gift from God and returning it seems utterly disrespectful to the groom and his entire family. Where a man’s treasure is, his heart will be also; paying the Bride Price of a woman symbolises that a man has kept his treasure (money from his sweat) where his heart belongs.

    Needful to say, in some cultures, a marriage is not reckoned to have ended until the return of Bride Price has been acknowledged, signifying divorce. When a woman intends to leave her husband, she is expected to return the goods initially paid to her family. So before you decide to return the Bride Price on your daughter’s wedding day, consider that this is often done when a marriage is to be dissolved. Bride Price is our heritage; a genuine and deep-rooted customary practice that makes marriages more meaningful and prevents the despicable way of life where wives are extremely easy to find like stones, and equally easy to dispose of, like tissue paper.

    The Court Wedding is the Third Phase: This is the only form of wedding recognized by law; a legal licence for a woman to take up her man’s name and officially become “Ìyàwó Alárédè” (Legal Wife). This, in most cases, is only attended by direct relations and some friends. But if the couple intends to skip Phase Four, this might be the “big deal”.

    Finally, Phase Four happens in The Church: This is the one all the other three above eventually lead to. No thanks to Cinderella, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, Aladdin, Anastasia and all the fairy-tale cartoons that have stirred the fantasies of many little girls of someday marrying a Prince in a Castle garbed in a flowing white dress, with all the shimmering splendour all over them. This is where a minister claims to represent God and joins the two together in matrimony by a Holy Ordinance. As many believe, this phase of the wedding takes place before God and Man, and the couple’s name is written in the Heaven Book of Marriages (I have absolutely nothing to prove that that book exists).

    Some centuries back, on the engagement night, the man and his new bride go into a special room already prepared with a new sparkling white spread on the bed for him to “know” her for the first time. After the “knowing”, he presents the white bedspread to representatives of both families waiting to see the result. A bloodstained bedspread signifies he “met her at home”, which brings immeasurable joy and pride to the couple and their families. Otherwise, shame and despair, a stigma that never lifts from a home where such occurs.

    King Solomon wrote about this in his Songs: “We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? If she be a “wall”, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a “door”, we will in close her with boards of cedar.”

    A positive result was always a thing to celebrate. My grandmother told me lots of food and drinks were available on the day she faced this once-in-a-lifetime test, but no one could lift a morsel until the result was out. She significantly pointed out how chastity took conscious, calculated and dedicated efforts and purity was ensured by all means, knowing well that the “night of wonder” was coming. Every lady guarded her pride with all diligence and kept it for the man who truly deserves and earns it – by prostrating and paying the (Bride) Price. Men were confident that their time, efforts and resources were not going into “baskets”. And I am sure God did bless those marriages, even though they didn’t wear black suits and white dresses to religious houses or courts to be joined.

    Recently, a preacher said to a couple: “… hope you don’t think marriage has occurred after your traditional wedding? Until you both appear on the altar for blessings, God does not recognize your marriage.”
    While some believe God only approves unions that take place in His House(s), many others feel strongly disheartened that we have extolled the foreign ways of getting married and undermined ours by saying God doesn’t recognize them. It was not recorded that Father Abraham, Isaac, Jacob or any of our biblical forebears were joined to their wives in a temple; they only sought the consent of their wives’ families, like today’s engagement ceremony, and they were married. The controversy stands, however, that the formal ways of marriage (Religious and Court) came from the Western world, and their high record of dismal state of marriages is a reason good enough for us to hold on to our traditions instead of discarding them. After all, nothing makes our parents’ blessings during the traditional wedding inferior to the ones we get from other people on the other platforms.

    Chastity keeps going bananas and frivolity is dressed up like a norm.Though everyone has the right to choose how (s) heweds, but disdaining our wedding culture appears to have done more harm than good. Nothing checks anymore, unlike the “dark” age, where every lady had in her subconscious the day she will face the world to be declared either a wall or a door. These days, indecency is curbed when the ushers give the confetti ladies scarves to cover their hot legs and save our beloved from seeing “misleading” visions, but the real indecency is what happens when no one is watching. You can spend eternity covering the body from men, but how successful can you be covering the heart from God? And I sincerely hope nobody thinks this encourages nudity.

    It is also alarming and heart-breaking, how some families end up wallowing in debts to satisfy the pressure of having to do these four different ceremonies for the singular purpose of being referred to as Mr and Mrs, especially when they cannot afford it. While we all want the glory, glamour and glide that come with elaborate and multiple wedding ceremonies, I strongly believe God expects us to cut our coat according to our cloth. When less emphasis is placed on showing off and impressing people who don’t even give a monkey what you eat the next day, you sign up for a more comfortable and convenient life. Consciously sticking to affordable budgets supersedes giving in to the selfish interests of anyone who doesn’t even love you enough to make sure life is bearable for you after you say the inevitable “I do”. Be it religious, legal or traditional, the wedding is only an ignition, and marriage is the journey to the destination of a fulfilled life. The fact that some marriages go down the drain shortly after an earthshaking wedding ceremony proves the married life deserves more dedicated attention and input than the wedding day. Extolling weddings over marriages is like spending lavishly on house warming when you have not even bought a piece of land, let alone lay a foundation.

    “For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, saying, this man began to build, and was not able to finish.”

     

    Spend more time, money and other resources on building marriage – the life you live together after the wedding day(s). Greater is the end of a thing than the beginning thereof…

    Fawehinmi, Writer and Content Strategist can be reached via; kissholla@yahoo.comwww.facebook.com/onigegeara and www.twitter.com/onigegeara

     

  • Hooked up by facebook – Tale of marriages through social media

    Hooked up by facebook – Tale of marriages through social media

    Relationship experts urge caution

    THE advent of social media sites such as Facebook and some others have brought a new dimension to the world of romance, love and relationships in the past few years. New friendships and burgeoning relationships are being conducted on these sites with varying results.

    For the unlucky ones, it’s tales of sorrow, disappointment and anguish. Stories abound of how some ladies fall victims of fraud, rape and other forms of violence through dates they met via the internet. In some tragic cases, death occurs, like that of the late Cynthia Osokogu, a 24-year-old post-graduate student who was murdered by friends she reportedly met on Facebook.

    In the midst of all these sordid, depressing tales, however, are heart-warming stories of couples who met on Facebook and began relationships that blossomed into love and marriage.

    From Facebook reunion to the altar

    Joseph Jibueze, a journalist, first met his wife of a few months nearly 10 years ago. She was a young, shy teenager in secondary school, while he was an undergraduate.

    “We knew ourselves when I was in school in Port-Harcourt, Rivers State. That was around 2003. We were in the same Christian congregation of the Jehovah’s Witnesses in PH. Though I found her attractive, we were like family friends and there was nothing between us. Besides, she was very young then, still in secondary school,” he disclosed.

    After his graduation, he stated that he lost contact with her until they were reunited via Facebook. Said he: “When I left Port-Harcourt after graduation, I did not see her again for several years. But early this year, I was going through the Facebook page of my brother-in-law when I saw an attractive face on his wall. The face looked familiar but I was not sure who she was.” It turned out to be his old friend and church member in Port-Harcourt, the young school girl, Esther that he used to admire. She was now grown up, had graduated and was even working in PH.

    “I confirmed she was the same girl I used to know and something in me told me she was the one I had been waiting for,” Joseph added. He promptly sent her a request on Facebook but he did not hear from her for some days. “She did not immediately accept and I was a bit scared that she could be involved with someone else. Days passed before she accepted and we started talking. We spoke on phone too. We discovered we were really attracted to each other. She was not in a serious relationship then; so I moved in quickly,” he said.

    In early October last year, the lovebirds got married in a well attended ceremony at the Kingdom Hall of the Jehovah’s Witnesses in Port-Harcourt.

     

    The reluctant matchmaker

    Another couple who Facebook played a big role in their love story is James and Loretta. They got married about three years ago after meeting on Facebook and becoming friends. As James, 32, a marketing sales representative told The Nation: “I first saw my wife on my friend’s wall. We were chatting one day when I saw the picture of this lady. I became interested in her but when I told my friend about my interest, he discouraged me. He said she was already engaged and I should not bother about her,” he said. Later, he found out it was not true, it was just his friend’s way of protecting the girl, who was his cousin. “You see, my friend used to consider me a ‘player’ back then, he thought I was only after her for ‘fun and games’. But I was able to convince him about my sincerity towards the girl and he grudgingly gave me her contact.”

    Another obstacle cropped up after he called Loretta. As he stated: “When I contacted Loretta and told her I liked her, she was not too keen on going out with me. I think she just split up with her boyfriend then and she wanted time to recover. She was not interested in going into another relationship so soon after the break-up with her ex. But I didn’t give up. I kept calling her and I think I pestered her so much that she finally accepted me!”

    They courted for a year, then in 2010, they tied the knot. “My friend who gave me Loretta’s number did not believe I would marry her right up to the day of our wedding. He still believed I was not serious. He was my best man at the wedding and he gave a toast, telling the guests the story of how I met my wife on Facebook. We now have a daughter who is a year old.”

     

    Student romance

    Ronke Aremu (nee Ojo) first got connected to her husband via Facebook. She narrated her story to The Nation: “One of my flatemates, Tunde, posted a comment on Facebook (I can’t really remember vividly what the comment is about now ), but it was about him saying something about being depressed. Knowing he is a very lively person, I just replied his comment, ‘You of all people, why are you down?’.

    “My husband, Lekan who is his friend on Facebook, also commented on the post. My husband later told me that he was in the cyber cafe with one of his friends when he saw my comment on Tunde’s post and he was fascinated by my name-Ronke Ojo. He told his friend, ‘omo yi de fine o’ (‘This girl is beautiful’). He said throughout that day, my name was just ringing in his head.

    “He called Tunde and asked him about me. Tunde told him that I was his neighbour and he said he was interested in me and the guy said, ‘No, the girl is an SU!’ He sent a friend’s request which I did accept. He was sending me messages on Facebook, asking for my phone number. Tunde later came to talk to me on his behalf. He started calling me and later came down to my school, Ekiti State University in February, 2011 when I was about writing my final exams. We actually started talking in October. I told him that I was not interested and he left, saying he would come back after my exams. We were friends, we started talking on phone. We started dating officially in July 2011 and got married in November, 2013. I was convinced by his consistency.”

     

    From America with love

    The classy wedding of US-based engineer, Ikenna Nwaneri and Onome Edegware, on November 16, 2013, at Our Lady of Apostle’s Catholic Church, Kaduna, was the culmination of a romance that began on Facebook. It all started in January 2012 when they became Facebook friends. Through constant contact on the social media, love blossomed between the two. But there was an obstacle: distance. It was a long-distance relationship with the groom working in the US, while Onome was in London studying for a Masters degree.

    With time, they finally met and they felt an instant connection. “The connection was instant. We were friends and soul mates at the same time. It all just felt right,” Onome enthused.

    Ikenna proposed to her on a trip to Paris in 2012. As she disclosed: “He proposed to me in a most romantic way. It was Boxing Day in 2012 and our last night in Paris. We had dinner on the River Seine. I thought it was the moment but nothing happened. We left with two fortune cookies. We went to the Eiffel Tower and it was there I reached for my fortune cookie and broke it. The note inside read: “When you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Onome baby, will you marry me?” With that, Ikenna went on his knees, attracting the attention of tourists nearby who began taking pictures of the happy couple.

    On their relationship, Ikenna had this to say: “Even with the rigours of a long distance relationship, we kept strong. That we were domiciled in different time zones did not deter us from our commitment. We were always in touch through the various social media.”

     

    Caution is the key

    To marriage experts, however, caution should be the key in such relationships connected by social media, especially Facebook. As Julie Ngozi Okeke of the Moms Club International said: “Facebook marriages must be done with great caution. As a matter of fact, I do not outrightly support it; there are issues involved in it that call for great caution. I know that there have been one of two case like that where one heard that a Facebook couple has emerged and you may even say that there has been one or so that has lasted one or two years.

    “But you see, the truth is that marriage goes beyond one or two years of living together or of being a couple. It is more than that. What happens after two years? Also it is not as if one of such marriages may not stand the test of time, there is a ‘but’ clause to it. Most of them do not work out in the long run. Most Facebook people are not real. Girls or the young men should therefore be cautious. Unfortunately too, in these climes, when things come over here, new meanings and new interpretations are always attached to usage. So the way we use Facebook here is also important and must be considered. Just as there are real people on Facebook, there are fake people too.”

    Also speaking on the issue, Dr. Leonard Okonkwo, stated: “Most Facebook marriages will not work because the people involved would not have got to know themselves. Most often, everybody who uses the social media of which Facebook is one, ensure that they come out there at their best. They do not show their weaknesses or shortcomings, they come showing their best. Thus, when you go into marriages based on what you have seen on Facebook, sooner or later, you may find out that it is not really so. The person you were dealing with was only showing you their best side.”

    Another relationship expert and youth counsellor, F. Diepreye, also cautions on relationships developed via social media. As he stated: “Facebook, just like other social media, is an avenue for communication with friends, colleagues as well as strangers, people you don’t know very well. Even those you know physically can sometimes act ‘funny’ and be unreliable and untrustworthy, much less the ones you just met via Facebook. So, people need to be careful when using these sites, especially when it comes to serious relationships and even marriage. Friendships can develop through Facebook but be wise.

    “Do not rush into marriage until after a period of courtship so both parties can get to know each other well. Marriage is a serious, life long commitment, not something you jump into just because you saw a pretty girl on Facebook. Most of the pictures have been photoshopped anyway, so the person might look different in real life from his photograph. The bottom line is, young people and the adults as well should exercise caution on these sites. They should not get married based on what they see on Facebook but the reality on the ground, the real world and not the Internet world which most times is a fake, unreal world where people pretend a lot and are not true to themselves.”

    Okeke supports this view, stating: “If you must contract marriage on Facebook at all, make sure that you know such people as real people. Even then, people you met and knew years ago and you suddenly meet again on Facebook may have changed in character and other ways. So a lot of caution is advised for people who hope to get married on Facebook. The use of social media should be done with caution.”

    Said Okonkwo on this: “The danger in Facebook marriages is also that Facebook is open to deception. It is actually a platform where people get duped. So it is not a platform to exhibit you in totality. Moreso, when you can only read but cannot hear on Facebook, you cannot get to know the person that you want to marry in totality. What I am saying is that love that leads to marriage should not be based on Facebook connection. But Facebook could be used as a starting point. When you meet each other, you could then ensure that you date properly, get to meet and know. Afterwards, you can let other things follow. I however, do not see how marriage contracted only via Facebook without an initial meeting, can work. If it works out, then it will be one or two cases, which so happened by chance. But generally, a larger percentage will crash or lead to disaster.”

    Diepreye on his part advises people generally on the use of social media, especially when it comes to friendship. “Sometimes I hear people boasting that they have such and such numbers of ‘friends’ on Facebook and I wonder, what do you need 2,000 friends for, especially when you don’t even know a majority of them and cannot vouch for them? Of what importance are they to you? I suggest you keep those you know physically and know their character. Don’t keep so many Facebook ‘friends’ just to prove that you are popular. Do they give award to those with many friends on these sites? No! So, people should be careful in acquiring too many strangers as ‘friends’ on Facebook to avoid being duped.”

  • Why celebrity marriages DON’T LAST

    Why celebrity marriages DON’T LAST

    IT had all the trappings of a fairytale wedding, the type most little girls dream of – a lovely bride and handsome groom both taking their vows in exotic surroundings that could pass for a Hollywood movie set. Indeed, the beaming couple looked so much in love that guests at the star-studded nuptials between American reality star Kim Kardashian and basketball player Kris Humphries in August 2011 thought they were witnessing a Cinderella-type fairytale, and that the couple would ‘live happily ever after.’ How wrong they were! For just 72 days after that ceremony, Kim filed for divorce, citing ‘irreconcilable differences.’

    While many were shocked at how quickly the union unravelled, it was no surprise to keen observers of celebrity marriages. Over the years, a strange phenomenon has been taking place in celebrity land, whereby unions of movie and music stars, top athletes and others in the limelight hardly last. Indeed, there was the notorious case of a celebrity couple who wedded sometime ago in the U.S and on the way to their honeymoon got into a big fight. At that point, they realised they were not compatible and could not live together and quickly filed for divorce. All this before some of their wedding guests had even got back home from the wedding venue!

    It’s a global issue not restricted to the advanced world alone. In Nigeria, we have had our fair share of celebrity break-ups with all the ‘drama’ and screaming headlines that come with it. So, the question is, why do marriages of most celebrities crash frequently? Some marriage cum relationship counsellors and experts, who spoke to The Nation on the phenomenon, gave various reasons for the breakup of celebrity marriages.

    Columnist Bunmi Sofola attributes it to their hectic jobs and lifestyles. “The job they do could affect their marriages,” she noted, stating: “The man who loves you starts disliking you because of the demands of the job that you do. Your husband, for instance, wants you to be home, but you cannot be at home because you are either on location or doing one story or another. Again, as a man, your wife may want you home, but you can’t be home because you are out there socialising as a celebrity. That is because celebrities are expected and known to be extroverts. At least 90% of them are so, and they are either attending parties or going to bars or clubs. Your wife may not like all that. At the end, even when you have kids, all these factors take their toll and it gets to a point when one of the party says that he or she has had enough, then packs his/her bag and leaves.”

    A marriage counsellor and author, Flora Preye, agrees with this view. She stated: “A major issue is work/career commitments. Actors, for instance, are constantly on the move because of their job. Now, if the husband and wife are both artistes who are always on one location or the other, when will they have time to be together? Regular interactions are a key ingredient for a successful marriage and if it’s lacking, it can cause a crack in the marital ‘wall.”

    She lists other factors responsible for celebrity break-ups as large egos, fan adulation, constant media scrutiny, hectic lifestyles, among others.

    While contending that marriage generally is hard work which requires a lot of effort to work, she noted that it’s doubly difficult for celebrities. “Let me state clearly here that marriage generally is hard work. Ask any old couple who have been married for say 30-50 years and they will tell you it’s not a bed of roses like it’s portrayed in movies and pop culture. Those who are sincere will tell you the truth about marriage. It’s easier to get married than to keep that marriage going. It takes a lot of hard work, involving commitments, compromise, sacrifice and other factors to do that.

    “Now, if marriage is tough for the average person on the street, then imagine what it’s like for celebrities who have other issues to contend with the ones I have stated earlier like ego and media scrutiny.”

    “Why will their marriages not crash when they are building it on themselves and not on the initiator of the institution?” so declared Pastor N. C. Amaefula. To him, marriage had a manual which had to be followed if you want a successful marriage.

    “God is the brain child of marriage and there is nothing any man or woman can do to make marriage succeed except they both go back to God. You cannot give what you don’t have, so being in marriage without knowing God, is fake. It is pretending to give what you do not have in you. And again, most of these celebrities do not live by the precepts, ordinances and rules and regulation that God has given as far as marriage is concerned. There is always a rule. Life is about principles. There are principles as far as marriage is concerned and that is how it can work as far as they want it to work,” he said.

    He compared marriage manual to that of a product, stating: “I tell people regularly, that there is no manufacturer that does not have a manual for the use of his product. And anyone who goes to the market to purchase a product, must use it according to the manufacturer’s specification. You must first of all read the manual and when this is done, definitely, that product will serve the consumer more.”

    In his view, Rev. (Dr) Fubara Sam-Obomanu, a marriage counsellor at TREM, attributes the issue to a lack of understanding of what marriage entails as well as people marrying for frivolous reasons.

    “The reason for all these marriage break-ups is that they don’t understand what marriage is about, they see it as a feather to their cap,” he opined. “They gather people together, go to church and stand before the altar to exchange vows. There’s more to marriage than that. Then, people marry for what they see, the physical appearance and not what’s inside the person. It’s the content that should count.”

    “Many celebrities live a false life,” so said Efe Anaughe, a counsellor. He stated that the pressure to live up to certain standards and give a good impression of themselves contribute to marital splits among them. “I think that celebrity marriages are breaking because they put too much pressure on themselves. Also because of their status they try to live up to the standard of others. They tend to live a life that is not theirs. The pressures of wanting to create or give people the impression of having a sense of perfection, that makes many of these marriages to crumble.

    “That is because, there is so much pretence in such marriages. If only they can learn to be themselves in such marriages. People have to learn how to be themselves. People should not allow the pressure of their work get to them,” he said.

    Sam-Obomanu agrees, stating: “Many celebrities have very high tastes and they keep looking at big things like wealth and a flashy lifestyle. And when a time comes and things are no longer working fine, they walk away from the marriage.”

    One common factor that runs through most celebrity break-ups is the issue of infidelity. Some spouses leave the marriage when they can no longer bear the indiscretions of an unfaithful partner. On this, Preye stated: “There is also infidelity but this is not restricted to celebrities only- it’s a major source of marital discord today. But what makes that of celebrities different is the temptations they face regularly. Because of living their life constantly in the spotlight and their fame, they have more opportunities than the ‘average Joe’ to stray. When musicians, for instance, go on shows, girls throw themselves at them. Even a monk can get tempted with all that is offered. If one partner is constantly unfaithful, it can cause discord in the marriage.”

    “Jealousy can also be a problem in a union between two celebrities,” she added. If one, for instance, has more fame, more success than the other, it can cause problems if the other party does not have the strength of character to cope with his or her partner being constantly in the limelight.

    “It takes a very strong man or woman to endure his wife, for instance, being more famous, getting more attention than them. One celebrity union that has been able to cope in that aspect is that of Omotola Ekeinde and the husband. She’s definitely more famous than he is but he doesn’t seem to mind, preferring to stay in the background while the wife laps up all the attention.

    “Their marriage shows that the union has greater chance of success if one partner is an artiste while the other is in another profession? So there won’t be a struggle to be in the limelight if both partners are in the same career.”

    Sofola supports this view, noting: “For instance, you go to a party, and your wife is better known than you, she is being embraced and kissed here and there, jealousy starts getting into the marriage. It doesn’t even matter if both of you are celebrities.”

    Preventing break-ups, saving homes

    So, can celebrity marriage break-ups be prevented in view of the negative effect of divorce on family life, especially on the children?

    “You ask me how the crash of celebrity marriages can be stopped? I ask you, are you sure celebrities really want to stop their marriages from crashing?” retorts Amaefula, who noted that one cannot stop what he does not want to. Speaking philosophically, he said: “If you are going to a place and you are on the wrong road, what you should do is to retrace your steps. Go back to where you are coming from because using a wrong road, cannot take you to the right destination. So if they desire to stop it, then they have to decide and change.

    “The change has to be everyday, mentally, spiritually, intellectually, physically and otherwise. Some of these female celebrities, when they marry, they want the man to be the woman. They want to marry a man who will be cooking for them in the kitchen, while they sit and read magazines in the sitting room. So they have to change their mentality and embrace Jesus as the author and finisher of marriage. Then things will turn around for them and that is how it can work as far as they want it to work.”

    “It cannot be stopped, it’s a global thing,” noted Sofola, adding: “One minute celebrities are in love, they are happy, it doesn’t really matter how rich they are, because it has nothing to do with money.”

    “My advice for celebrity couples? They need to put God first,” said Sam-Obomanu. “Unless you get God’s manual for marriage, it won’t work. Marriage is a union of two forgivers. From the beginning, you must make up your mind to forgive- you should understand that your husband will step on your toes and you will also step on his. They also need to go for counselling before marriage.

    “Then, besides the vows in church, I believe strongly that people should make individual vows saying ‘For me, I will do everything within my power to make sure this marriage works.”

    “I will not say that I see the end of celebrity marriage crashes. There could be limited marriage crashes if they could only learn to take some steps. Some of the steps are those that I have mentioned above. Celebrities should not put pressure on themselves. They should not kill themselves just to make an impression. Celebrities need to work on their fame and family. I am hoping that it will go a long way to help them in keeping their marriages from collapsing,” Anaughe advised.

    Sofola stressed on the importance of long courtship, stating: “When people are getting married, they should decide on long courtship, for instance, to know if they are compatible and the chemistry is right. But as a celebrity, you are already a public figure. And then the dilemma is there because you do not know whether the person that has approached you likes you because of you, or because of your popularity. Only to discover that the person married the name and not the personality involved. After marriage, they then find out that they are not compatible.”

  • ‘How to make marriages work’

    Dr Vic Victor is a practising lawyer based in Houston, Texas and host of International Relationship Conference, which holds in Nigeria, South Africa and the United States of America annually. He spoke with Sunday Oguntola on matrimonial affairs. Excerpts:

     

     

    Why are families packing up these days?

    There are several reasons for the mass failure of marriages in our society. Some of these reasons are specific to nations, cultures and subcultures. For instance, some experts posit that there is a direct correlation between the movement for emancipation of women under the various women liberation and the failure of marriages.

    I agree with this conclusion to the extent that women have always been the preservers of marriages and families. Anything that affects women and how they view themselves is bound to affect our marriages and family units. Women endure and sacrifice a lot for the family to remain intact.

    Another historical reason is that we have seen in cultures that were previously oppressed is what we in Twogether for ever call “the wusification of men”.

    “Wusification” is the policy of the oppressor (the slave master, the colonial master, the economic master) to take away the manhood of the oppressed men. This is very evident among the African Americans of the United States, the blacks in the Caribbeans and the Southern Africa.

    In those cultures, the role of men and the psyche of men were deliberately redefined to reduce threats of rebellion and violence. The net result of that are men who are less of “KuntaKinte”, the epitome of the brave African man.

    Now you have absentee fathers, deadbeat dads and baby mamas who are not interested in making a good nest for the children before they have them.

    Other reasons, which are perhaps more specific to the culture in Nigeria, are the influence of western education and culture. It is amazing how Africans adore bad American and British cultures. The things that I see on our televisions in broad day light in our eateries and public places are things that cannot be shown anywhere you have children.

    Add to that the domino effect of a culture that has been thoroughly messed with and redefined in the US and Europe. These are the underlining causes of divorce and separation.

    The more visible symptoms are money matters, lack of communication and couples’ inability to nurture their marriages. I see Nigerian and Middle Eastern women and their children in the best vacation spots in the world. I always ask where are their fathers?

    The fathers are at home, at work or just not part of the deal. The problem here is that we want to copy the westerners without copying the whole thing. No American woman will haul five children to Kenya or Disney World without their dads. Vacation time is family time to bond, refresh and regroup.

    Submission has been largely controversial. To what extent should a wife be submissive to her husband?

    I will like to be politically incorrect here and hopefully scripturally correct. A woman should submit to her own husband at all times. We always advise young women to make sure that the man they are marrying is big enough, smart enough and strong enough to earn and command their respect.

    The Bible did not qualify the responsibility of wives submitting to their own husband. What the Bible contemplated is a husband that loves his wife so much that he is willing to die for her. Any man who has that much love for his wife should demand that his wife submit to him. At the end of the day, the man is working to make the woman and the children happy. I think about it if a man is working for the welfare of his wife, who is the boss? Submission is not a dirty word; it is a directive that saves marriages and keeps families together. You cannot have two captains in one ship.

    Is love enough to make a marriage work?

    It depends on how you define love. If a man defines love as doing all that he can to make his wife happy, encourage her spiritually and play his role as a father, husband and pastor of the house, then that kind of love can sustain any marriage.

    If love means being the best wife to her husband then that love can sustain a marriage. Love is an action work. If it is backed by responsive actions, the answer is yes.

    What is your forthcoming conference all about?

    The International Relationship Conference is an event that holds annually in Nigeria, Houston, Texas and Johannesburg, SA. The idea is to prepare singles and courting couples on the art of marriage before the event starts.

    It is said that prayerful preparation prevents a poor performance. We have a mandate to equip couples on how to enjoy their marriage and not endure it. There is a statistic that says that it takes five generations of corrective actions to restore a marriage broken down because a divorce leads to several divorcing threats in a family and society.

    The circle will definitely continue with some of the children unless broken. An abusive father will raise children who are abusive. If we have not taught them, we cannot blame them. Twogether For Ever through the international conference on relationship is teaching relationships.

    What do you imagine would have happened after the conference?

    This conference is a date with destiny. I imagine that destiny keepers who attend the conference would have made an investment of a lifetime. Destiny is an irresistible path that one must take. Participants will be equipped to understand relationships and make informed decisions about life.

    This conference will remove all confusions and guess works about relationships. Participants will be empowered to walk with confidence in life.

    What will be unique?

    The International Relationship Conference is the mother of all relationship conferences that combines learning life skills with a touch of red entertainment.

    The curriculum for the seminar was drafted from real life experiences gathered from counselling pre- and post-marital couples, television interviews, radio interviews and conferences questions. The conference also boasts of guest speakers who have distinguished themselves in specific areas of relationships in the “Nigeria context.”

    The red carpet event is a formal relaxing evening of entertainment and fun hosted by our own comedian extra ordinarie, Holy Mallam. Any comedian can crack a joke but not all comedians can keep their audience cracking and righteous at the same time. We will be joined by Houston’s own gospel recording artist, Stacy Egbo, who will be ministering that evening.

    Couples will get a chance to renew their vows and strengthen their relationships. Singles and courting couples will not be left out. There will be a meet-and-greet for interaction and fun.

     

  • ‘How marriages can survive‘

    Intending couples have been advised to put God first and utilise courtship time to build solid foundation for their homes.

    The President of Family Aflame Ministries International, Pastor Ebenzer Diyaolu, gave the charge recently during a conference with the theme “before and beyond your wedding day” in Lagos.

    He said intending couples take so many fundamental things for granted, a development he said affect their marriages later.

    To divorce-proof their marriages, he said youths must thrash out financial and sexual issues before getting into marriage.

    According to him: “These are fundamentals that must be agreed on. You must agree on financing the family and work things out.

    “You must discuss sex vis-à-vis how much of it is fine and related issues. If you ignore these issues, you are setting yourself up for a big fall in marriage.”

    He also tasked them on praying for the future, saying the journey of life is always tough and requires advanced prayer sessions.

    Diyaolu said marriage will survive the storms of life when couples submit to God and remain committed to themselves.