The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Okon

  • Okon named hero of democracy

    As Democracy Day approached, a rogue civil society group known as Calamity for State Robbers with offices in Orile Iganmu has named Okon as one of its heroes of democracy. Snooper was put in a terrible dilemma. If one put a stop to the endless stream of well wishers and idle political lunchers knocking at the door to congratulate the boy, it may be misconstrued. How the mad boy gained such traction remains a source of mystery even to snooper. Many of these civil society groups are crazy scammers and Okon might have paid through his nose to have his name mentioned. When he showed his certificate to Baba Lekki, the old contrarian snorted.

    “You see, sebi you say dem people dey Iganmu, abi? Na dat one dem Yoruba people dey call igan mu se”   But Okon was undeterred, leveraging his new found star status for a controversial radio interview. Okon wasted no time and hostilities commenced straightaway.

    “High Chief Okon, congratulations on your recent award”, the interview began.

    “Point of incorrection!” Okon screamed. “I be higher chief now. I no wan any Yoruba tortoise come mess around with Calabar title. I dey higher pass dem Otunba. Even Yoruba mechanic for Matori dey answer dat one, you hear me?”

    “Okay, Higher Chief Okon, it is the seventeenth anniversary of democracy. It is obviously better than military rule, isn’t it?” the second interviewer opened with a cunning glare.

    “Bia, Yoruba soup mouse, you wan trick me? We thank God dem soja don leave patapata. Make dem type never come back again. But dis civilian one he get as he be. When dem soja dey thief, na only dem oga patapata but this one everybody dey thief yanfunyanfun. I been dey wonder why dem money never finish, but I hear say he don finish so we dey one chance  motor for obodo”, Okon sneered.

    “Sir, how do you see the last strike by the Nigerian Labour Congress?”

    “You see dat dem labour leader, Wabba abi wetin him dey call himself? He come remind me of dem book I read for primary school for Itigidi, na Wanba the Jester dem dey call am”. Okon snorted.

    “How do you mean sir?”the interviewer pressed.

    “Wetin you mean by wetin I mean? Dem foolish labour people say make we strike, I strike well well. I come put my oga under dem house arrest. I no give am food and I no even give am water. Dem come say dem no dey strike again. Na so dem dey do all dem time. Next time when dem say strike, na dem head I go strike well well”, Okon snarled.

    “Mr Okon, what is your view on the menace of herdsmen?”, one interviewer asked with deadpan daring.

    “Ha ha yeye man. You wan put me for trouble with dem Daura man, abi? He get time like dat when dem Kanu Ibo boy dey blab him mouth and him dey yabi everybody. Kai dem don forget dat one for Guje and him come grow Nebu beard. So, I no sabi menace and I no sabi dem cattle people,but I sabi say Efik people no dey drive dem cattle”, the mad boy crowed.

    “Sir, one last question. Chief Obasanjo said that President Buhari does not know much about politics and economy. What is your view?”.

    “You see, baba don old well well past bed time and him head no correct again. Wetin himself sabi for politiks and money matter? But him sabi two-fighting and teeth-fighting pass Buhari and na for dat area dem go finish dem Buhari man”, Okon grunted as he dismissed the interviewers with an imperious swagger.

  • Okon slams the Buharia dministration

    Okon slams the Buharia dministration

    As the first anniversary of the Buhariadministration gets under way, Okon has been in the thick of things giving impromptu lectures, roadside talks, verbal interventions and witty broadsides in the most unlikely of public places. The highlight of all this was when the crazy boy and Baba Lekki made an unscheduled appearance at the public preview of a talk show called Long change or short change hosted by a famous TV channel .

    The hosts quickly got over their embarrassment at having their security easily penetrated by taking the invasion in their stride and getting on with it. But Okon was not interested in keeping to any false script as the mad boy immediately began gaming with relish. He had taken a look at the fair-skinned hostess nationally famous for her gold bangles and expensive jewellery.

    “My sister, daris god oo. He be like if say ogaRaymond don give you una share of demJonathan free lolly”,the mad boy crowed. But the lady, a veteran of psychological warfare, simply smiled and waved him on.

    “In that case, e bamikiorenteooo”, Baba Lekki sniggered and fell into a slumberous repose on the chair snoring like a decrepit trailer . The fireworks began almost immediately.

    “High Chief Okon, how do you see this government after one year?” the chief host asked Okon.

    “Ha to talk true true, I been dey like demBuhari man  when him first come but for now he be like if say we don enter dem one-chance vehicle”, the mad boy chortled to the crowd’s relish.

    “How do you mean?” the bejewelled hostess drawled with a superior grimace.

    “Wetin you mean by how do you mean? Se na for Gambia you dey live? No food, no fuel, no money. Even heat sef wan kill man. Yesterday I come see my oga for night and him dey naked, him blokos justdey dance like dat and him come dey talk to himself. I no say matter don pass matter. Kontri just deyjagajaga”. Okon replied.

    “Ha this one is a South SouthSabo. They are the ones causing trouble for Buhari. Awonomo ale.Kobaje fun ee”.  A Lagosian spat and cursed from the crowd.

    “Foolish Yoruba man. Dem never tell una say Sabo na where dem mala dey live?” Okon screamed.

    “Okay, its okay gentlemen”, the interviewer tried to smooth ruffled feathers and gently steer the discussion away from heavy weather. “Mr Okon, what do you think of the senate?”

    “Those one nawetinFeladey call dem beasts of no nation. Dem go hear from us very soon”, Okon snarled in genuine anger.

    “How?” the lady interjected.

    “Ho, ho, make I tell you make you go tell dem Dino Melaye mad boy, abi?” Okon sneered.

    “Bukola’s father don curse am.Him say as he no gree make him rest for old age, him no go find rest for life again. Na demoloyetiradey cause katakata for dem boy”, Baba Lekki rumbled from deep slumber.

    “Ha baba you don wake? How about dem light refreshment? Give baba two pints of ogogoro and give me dem bearded Kongo meat. Make you give dem bill to Dasuki”, the mad boy crowed.

    “MrOkon, what do you make of the president’s recent trip to China?”, the chief host asked.

    “I swear am, Sai Baba no dey do dat kind thin. Na dem Yoruba press boys who wan finish am. AbiChiaka no be dem Ibo girl I been dey see for Okota?” Okon simpered to the audience’s hoot of delight and derision.

    “So what do you think the president can do to regain his popularity?” the lady asked.

    “Ha dat one dey easy. Make demBuhari wear him soldier uniform and go address demkontri for television.  Next day make him come apologize say nadem people who give am wrong budget nadem give am wrong  clothes for wear again. All dem thieves and corrupt people for don vamoose across dem border”, Okon sneered.

    “That is a clearly an impeachable offence”, somebody screamed from the audience.

    “Foolish man.Sebiit is when dem get senate dem go dey think like dat. All dem  crook senators and corrupt rogue for don reach Senegal by road”,  Okon jeered.

    “So where is the rule of law?” another shouted.

    “Yeye man, sebi it is when you get demyeye lawyers with demwuruwuru wig you fit think like dat?” Okon retorted.  A major commotion ensued with a native charm landing on Okon’s nose. It was at this point some men in uniform came and dispersed the assembly.

  • Baba Lekki and Okon solve another national riddle

    As the Ese Oruro and “Yellow” Yunusa amatorial imbroglio continues to divide the nation along religious and cultural lines, Baba Lekki has been conducting a scientific inquiry into the subject with professorial solemnity. Okon had caught up with the old Marxian contrarian virtually naked under a tree at Okokomaiko complaining about the scalding heat even as smoke belched out from his massive pipe.

    “Baba, na dis gbana go kill you. Old man like you dey smoke like dem area boys for Campos”, the crazy boy shot at the old man.

    “Ha Okon he get as he be. Dis one na better hemp from Mokore in Area Five. Wall no dey fear fire. As dem Yoruba people dey say, make we dey get use to fire because of hell.” The old crook sniggered and burst into a deranged hiccup.

    “Baba make we get serious. He be like if say dis dem fine Yellow Yunusa boy, na for jail he go do wolima with dem Ese girl. At this point, the crazy old man stood up and began to sing an old Yoruba Muslim wedding ditty.

       Baaadaraimo, baadaraimo

       Aboniyawo seyawo

       Hun…. badaraimo.

    “Baba, he be like if say dis gbana don scatter your head patapata”, Okon crowed as he eyed the dancing delinquent dotard with mirth and affected disdain. The old man sat down and eyed Okon with a scholarly frown as he switched to flawless Queen’s English.

    “Okon, I am very much ashamed to be in this company. Nigerians are an idle and unthinking lot. What is happening is the religious mystification of economic poverty, period”, the old man noted.

    “Gbuaaaa!!” Okon screamed with feigned indignation. “Baba dis grammar too much. I know say you dey cram dem dishionary, but Okon na illostrate”.

    “You see Okon”, the old man began with a worried mien. “Those poor children ought to be in school. This is how we perpetuate poverty. Why is a so called eighteen year old boy only thinking of marriage when he should be in school? And why is the girl also not in school? This is what we have been telling these people. It is marriage as modern slavery which leads to endemic poverty. The two juveniles are victims of an evil system. The charge should be amended to read, State Delinquency versus Juvenile Delinquency”, the stoned sage concluded.

    “Baba in dat case equation don balance becos as dem mala people dey wire small girls old Yoruba women also dey wire small pikins. He get time like dat when I dey live as young boy for Mushin and he get one fat old Yoruba woman who go dey call me, “oko mi, oko mi”. So I come ask wetin “oko mi” dey mean sef and dem say na my husband. Naim I come pick race kia kia”.

    “Okon go away. You are a fool. I deal in facts and not palm wine bar gossip”, the old man said as he chased away the crazy fellow,

  • Okon reinvents himself

    Darkness has become as visible as daylight.  This column once noted that darkness can be very enthralling indeed.  As the historic darkness and crippling fuel shortage enter the second week, all kinds of outlandish characters from outer space began crowding the vision. It has been noted by scientists that when you suffer the loss of one critical faculty, the remaining faculties tend to overcompensate.

    So in the dead of the night when the generator had completely degenerated and all pretences to civilization had vanished, malarial hallucination takes over as the sweltering heat pounds the bravest of humanity into submission, you begin to imagine yourself trapped among some man-eating troglodytes. You get a sense that a titanic battle is going on out there between the forces of darkness and utter evil and the forces of light and regeneration. Con artists abound and so do secret sharers of national unhappiness.

    You can trust the punitively proactive Okon to cotton in on the act. After being lightly let off the police hook in connection with the shadowy organization that he was fronting, the crazy fellow has promised to be of good behavior. Snooper gave a long lecture about what was expected of a good citizen, but the rogue was not going to be fazed by such hoary exhortations.

    “Öga, na true you dey talk. I don learn lesson for dis yeyekontri. When dem Ibo and Yoruba cause trouble, na minority man dey carry dem can. I don learn dat one from Papa EyoIta”, the mad boy snorted.

    “Eyoitako, Eyoinuileni”, the deranged Baba Lekki hollered with drunken gusto.  The following day, yours sincerely was confronted by a most arresting sight. The entire house and Boys’ Quarters bristled with all sorts and manner of jerry cans for siphoning fuels. In addition, there was a whole assortment of magic lanterns from Taiwan which reportedly supplied light from solar energy. Okon claimed to be the sole distributor in the country. It was a cruel hoax. Okon’s lantern required total darkness to function.

    “Okon, what is the meaning of all this nonsense?” snooper screamed at the boy.

    “Ha oga, I dey Oil and Light business now, Market force don turn everybody to market by force”, the crazy boy sniggered as he gave instructions to some ruffians and ragamuffin who were hailing him.

    “But I thought  they have banned the sale of petrol in jerry cans. What type of a country is this?” snooper raved at the boy.

    “Ha ogadat one na market force again. When you ban all dembannable you must to unban all demunbannable. I no sabi grammar but I sabi common sense.” The crazy boy retorted.

    “This country has gone to the dogs”, snooper lamented.

    “OgaOkon no be dog. I never touch woman for three weeks. Ask Sikira. All dis grammar no go help. If you wan buy fuel come meet me for Alapere under dem bridge. Na direct fuel from Arepo”, the impish rogue slammed and sauntered away with his retinue of brigands leaving snooper stranded and speechless. In black humour, snooper remembered Fela’s immortal lyrics: Overtake don overtake overtake.

  • Okon founds APON (Aboriginal People of Nigeria)

    As the trial of NnamdiKanu, the rogue Biafran neo-nationalist, gets underway, Okon has been making hay playing both sides of the divide often running with the hare while hunting with the hound. He has been seen protesting with the Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB), while he was also linked with supplying hired demonstrators to a mysterious pro-government group based in Ikate.

    A few days ago, the crazy boy actually raised the stakes by co-founding a pro-nation group known as APON (Aboriginal People of Nigeria) to infiltrate and cause trouble at every IPOB rally.  The plot was to raise anti-Nigerian hysteria to a shrill pitch at these gatherings and then slip away when the bullets start flying leaving the hapless Biafran autochthons to deal with the dead and the dying.

    The logo of the new group carries the image of a truly aboriginal Australian aborigine with a massive primitive bangle set above flared nostrils. When Okon was confronted, the crazy one retorted that he was operating under a new doctrine of necessity. “Ogana doctoring of necessity. Even doctor sefsabi say ebana necessity. Na necessity make dem stupid Kanu boy come look for trouble for Naija and na necessity make dem mala come dey shoot dem people. . You know say when man who no get brains come jam man who no get mouth, dat one naOjuelegba proper”.

    “Okon, you are not sleeping in this house tonight”, snooper shouted in alarm.

    “No be di thin wey we dey talk about me dat?” the mad boy charged at me. “Na demWazobia people dey cause trouble for obodo. Make dem come dey go make we come find rest.  Na dem come run here and nademdey cause wahala. We sabi when demOduduwa man come from Egypt. We sabi when dem Ibo people come from Israel. Na dem mala come last from Futa. But nademdey kill, nademdey kidnap, nademdey abduct, nademdey do 419, nademdey eat people and nademdey wire small girls. Make demdey go”.

    It was this last stunt that landed Okon in jail on Friday. A day earlier, he had gone to the head office of the shadowy pro-government organisation  to demand for full payment for his services. He had been met at the entrance by a pompous American wannabe with a fake Yankee accent. Okon eyed him with savage contempt.

    “Oh me man, you have come for your honorarium, then?” the African American opened.

    “Even honourable sefdemdey steal, so please pay me my money and forget dis stupid grammar”, Okon snapped.

    “So, you have come for your tranche then. How many lorry-load  of assholes?”, the Yankee Lagosian continued with his prancing and preening, not in the least fazed by Okon’s irate disgust.

    “I bring a container of Ibo rioters and another container of dem Yoruba spare parts. If to say you get common sense you for go bring my money, now, now”, Okon raved as he primed himself for fistic exertion.

    “All right, all right. Where is your LPO?” the crank from Connecticut demanded with hair-raising levity. By this time, Okon had lost his cool completely.

    “Wetin be LPO? Wetin concern long playing record with money you owe?” By this time, Okon had dragooned the poor New Yorker to himself and given him a resounding head butt followed by a of series devastating jabs. New Yorker crumpled on the floor as Okon made good his escape. He was captured hiding inside a giant disused bin. After being viciously assaulted, Okon was taken to the police station where he was stripped and remanded in custody.

  • Okon propounds the theory of two Sheriffs

    It was a sultry and misty morning in Lagos, but so far the rains had refused to oblige, leaving humanity in a listless torpor. As the airwaves filled with the news of the election of a new PDP chairman, Okon has roused snooper from the utter discomfort of early morning baking temperature singing: “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy”. It was a most profane and amateurish rendering brimming with savage humour.

    “Okon, what is the meaning of all this stupid nonsense?” snooper snarled.

    “ Oga, as you never hear dem news, dem Pindipi don elect dem leader”, the crazy boy chortled with sinister relish.

    “And who is it?” snooper demanded as he jumped out of bed.

    “Na dem Boko Haram man dem dey call Moody Sheriff abi na Mugu sef?” Okon retorted.

    “Oh my God, this is the end of the PDP as an effective fighting force. There is a plot to kill opposition in this country. This is a sting operation by the APC. The lion of Bourdillion has struck again”, snooper noted with awe and wonderment.

    “Oga, all dat na yeye grammar. Di thin I sabi be say we get am for two Sheriff for obodo now. One Sheriff go dey Abuja and dem other Sheriff go dey Maiduguri. When dem two sheriff come jam, obodo don scatter be dat. Dem American people go dey laugh say de come don come to become. Monkey don see man, before man see monkey. Make man go start work again for dem Yoruba Airforce General soak away but Yoruba shit no be better shit at all. Ewedu and gbegiri no be better food at all at all”, the mad boy drooled on.

    “Okon get lost!!” snooper screamed as he drove away the boy with a broom stick.

  • Okon takes over Wadata Plaza

    And so the seconds tick for Secondus. In the week that The Economist magazine of London famously dismissed Goodluck Jonathan as an “ineffectual buffoon”, (Phew!!!) you would have thought that there ought to be a let up in the cosmic buffoonery that has overtaken the former ruling party. But farce and Rabelaisian horse-play seem to have become the staple fare of the biggest power rally in Africa. Vultures are fighting dirty over the bloated carcass.

    At the last count, more than three pretenders including a former Jonathan journeyman portentously named Gulak (sans Archipelago) have staked their claim. Secondus the First appears to have been seconded to political Siberia. It is power play in the time of political cholera, or is it political lassa? But it is said that if you don’t bury a dead person because he has no relations, you will have to bury him because of the foul stench and the public health hazard.

    As snooper was ruminating over the plight of a party that once shook Nigeria to its foundation but which has now become the butt of hilarious jokes and savage derision, a decrepit lorry pulled up right in front of the house. Out jumped Okon dressed like a resource control robber-baron together with several stalwarts and the inevitable Baba Lekki  uproariously and leglessly drunk as usual.

    They were all calling Okon chairman and hailing his bravery and native sagacity to high heavens. Before you could say Jack Robinson, the men had started offloading cutlasses, cudgels and all manner of dangerous charms: Onde, Ikunpa, gbetu-gbetu, Ayeta. Isiju,kanako, Gbabi-magbabe, Balu-balu, Gbekude etc. Oh Lord, has it come to this in this country, snooper wondered.

    “Okon, what is the meaning of all this?” snooper demanded in alarm.

    “Ha oga, gbegede don catch fire, as dem Baba Sikira dey say for Epe Yoruba. I don overtake dem PDP chairman,” the mad boy chortled triumphantly. “We no go gree make dem mala people overtake dem party by cunny cunny. As dem no want Secondus, dem don get Okon.”

    “I second!” Baba Lekki concurred with drunken relish. One of the men began snaggling and snapping at snooper like a demented hunter’s dog.

    “And who is this man?” snooper asked in alarm as the Rottweiler made to charge at him.

    “Ha dat one na Agbako Olisa. Na my own Metuh be dat. Na him go bite dem finis and if dem conduct yeye election na him go tear and whack dem paper.” The mad boy retorted.

    “I see, so where is your manifesto?” snooper demanded, trying to suppress his mirth and amusement.

    “Oga plane don crash and you dey ask for manifest, which kind manifest be dat?” the crazy boy retorted.

    “Mr man, stop asking foolish questions. Chairman no dey read paper”, one man screamed and heaved forward like a menacing hooligan.

    “Who is this man?” snooper shouted as the thug began shadow wrestling.

    “Ha oga dis one na Professor Pakaleke. Him head no correct at all. Make him no come wire you well well. Na him kill dem Ibadan masquerade”, Okon cautioned.

    On that perilous note snooper quickly back-heeled into the house and bolted the door.

     

  • As Metuh trumps Taiwan shredder, Baba Lekki sings Kusimilaya

    These are definitely interesting times in Nigeria, with outlandish revelations about state larceny followed by even more outlandish revelations. No one knows who is going to be “outed” next. It is a grand parade of fallen idols of the tribe. You never know what will do it for you, whether it is unreceipted free lunch or a casual bulge under flowing agbada robes after a chance meeting which you never know was being faithfully videoed.  In order to forestall any untoward eventuality, snooper sent Okon to the market to buy a strong and durable shredder.

    The crazy boy had hardly departed when Baba Lekki took up position blabbing insensate nonsense while waiting for his juvenile accomplice.

    “Ina dogo?” the crazy old man began with a savage sneer. “You mean say dem Buhari man go try all dem old people, Tanko Yakassai, Mr Fix am and dem Yoruba chief? Dem mortuary go get work ooo”.

    “Listen, I am not a politician, I am a policy analyst”, snooper snapped in utter irritation.

    “ Weeereeee!!!”, the crazy old man screamed as he jumped at snooper. “Policy ko, publicity ni. If you no be politician why you dey send for shredder? Wo, waa gbaa !” Before snooper could regain his composure, the ancient agitator began singing a cruel parody of an old classic.

    Mori baba kan t’onjo, kusimilaya

    Ewa woran mi male gboju mi oo

    Biosi t’ewon to duro mba ba baba yen lo oo

    Mori baba kan t’onjo kusimilaya .

    It was at this point that Okon barged in without any shredder or shred of truth.

    “And you, what happened, where is the shredder?” snooper demanded angrily.

    “Ah oga dem Ibo trader come ask whether na Metuh or Taiwan shredder you want”, Okon replied with a sadistic grin.

    “And what is that supposed to mean?” snooper shouted.

    “Oga no vex. As dem come explain, Metuh na man and Taiwan na machine. But where dem Metuh man dey whack ten sheets of paper per minute dem Taiwan machine dey manage only two. So na market be dat”, Okon explained.

    “Kai, kai Okon, na dat one dem Yoruba people dey call Gbetu-gbetu”, the old contrarian snorted as he dragged the crazy boy away.

  • Okon is Father Christmas

    A few days into the Christmas celebrations, snooper witnessed a most outlandish and unforgettable sight. It was Okon fully kitted in Father Christmas costumes being borne along the streets by Baba Lekki and the usual retinues of hangers on all chanting “Feliz navidad” in a rowdy and raucous manner. Boy, the whole place smelt like an abandoned ogogoro factory. The crazy boy was obviously in high spirits, no pun intended, and appeared in fine fettle.

    Very soon, the riotous crowd was joined by urchins and other urban vagabonds turning the whole thing into a carnival-like procession of the dispossessed. It was at this point that a drunken solitary policeman attempted to arrest Okon for impersonating Jesus.

    “Sebi you say you be Jesu, abi? Na sergeant go settle dat one when we reach station”, the drunken cop guffawed as he pointed his Mark 4 rifle at Okon. To everybody’s surprise, Okon brushed aside the fellow with disarming familiarity.

    “Yellow, I give you one minute to run for your life with your Shakabula gun or you will smell your mama’s yansh”, Okon roared. The policeman, now recognizing who it was, jumped through the restive crowd and took to his heels.

    “Yeepaa, na dem Esu boy from Calabar . He don beat me well well before before”, he screamed as he tore through the adjoining street with the crowd cursing at his heels.

    The train soon stopped in front of an abandoned warehouse as Okon settled down to distributing rice pilfered from an upended trailer even as Baba Lekki began smoking prohibited weeds from his prodigious pipe.

    “Dis one na ma own contribution to dem National Pension scheme, or baba abi na pension scam as you dey call am?”, the mad boy began with an expansive flourish.

    “Go on my boy, your head never knock. Him still get engine oil”, the crazy old crook nodded with warm approval.

    “Baba no be say Okon thief rice. Na trailer jam and Okon come jam rice, baba abi no be so?”, the crazy boy drawled.

    “Na dat one dem they call ijamba for Yoruba”, the old devil concurred.

    “Why dem trailer dey carry only rice and no currency from ONSA?” one fellow snorted from the crowd. Like a practiced operative, Baba Lekki immediately picked the dangerous train of thought.

    “Dangote no dey transport currency. Na Seriki  mai-rice. Onsa means he dey run for Yoruba.”. Baba Lekki crowed. But the damage had been done. It was the turn of one sturdy-looking man who flatly refused the offer of rice.

    “Give me one Dasuki”, the man bellowed rather threateningly.

    “Wetin be one Dasuki?” Okon asked the irate fellow.

    “One billion, period!” the man screamed and stormed away.  A hush fell on the crowd. There was an awful silence everywhere. Even Okon appeared momentarily lost. Then he seemed to have regained his old confidence.

    “Baba, see me see trouble. You no see how the yeye people I wan help dey disgrace me?  Dem no wan chop rice rice again na money dem wan chop”, Okon rued like a lost soul.

    “Okon, rice sweet but money sweet pass am”, the crazy old man whispered.

    “Baba, you come dey sound like dem old TAN people. Abi you don obtain sef?” Okon chortled.

    “Ha Okon, stealing no be corruption and obtainment no be stealing” the old man crowed.

    “Na God go punish dem wuruwuru fisherman. He come turn dem obodo country to Kalokalo machine. As dem thing come dey vomit money dem come dey carry go”, the crazy boy lamented.

    “Okon I don tell una say father Christmas pass father Christmas. Make we dey go home”, Baba sneered.

    “Baba, I never know say stealing dey dem Nigerian constitution”, Okon rued.

    “Okon dat one he depend on dem intendment of dem framers of dem constitution”, Baba Lekki noted with a jocular frown.

    “Baba he be like if say dem don frame dem framers for dis time. Na iron frame dem must to put for Kirikiri”, Okon screamed.

    “Okon your brother Bode come say na jara dem gave am, so na jara jail he go go dis time”, Baba Lekki sniggered.

    “Dat one him head no correct at all”, Okon spat.

    It was at this point that a madman who had been snoring through the proceeding suddenly roused and screamed, “rice ooo compatriots”. Before anybody could make any sense out of this, he seized a cudgel and began attacking everybody and everything in sight.

  • Baba Lekki and Okon berate Papa Edwin Clark

    As the last independence anniversary got underway, Okon has been busy lamenting  the good old days before independence when food was aplenty in the land and the local wine made from ripe banana was so abundant that even monkeys were known to get drunk on the heady stuff. At some point, snooper became exasperated with the boy’s lamentation and protest.

    “Okon, but you claim you were born in 1980. How come you remember what happened around independence?” snooper charged.

    “Oga, I don tell una say official age no be facial age. Obudu monkey dey sweat na hair dey cover am”, the mad boy snorted as he continued his rhapsody about pre-independence bliss.  The following day the boy actually raised the stakes by appearing on a television series known as “crunch time” with Baba Lekki in tow.

    “Mr Okon, welcome to the show”, the lead presenter drawled in a heavily accented baritone.

    “Point of incorrection!”  the mad boy charged. “I no be Mr Okon again. Now I be Master Okon. When a man don dey cook for thirty years without accident he don become master be dat”.

    “Ok, Master Okon”, the man corrected in a voice full of mirth and mischief.

    “And make you no dey take Yoruba corner corner eye lauf at Okon like dat. Dis one no be like dem foolish general title dem Abacha man come give dem foolish Yoruba musician and him dey jump all over dem place”, Okon screamed.

    “Just get on with it and answer the question”, a Lagosian-sounding fellow shot out from the audience.

    “Foolish Yoruba man. How market now? Abi you don return from Abuja?” the mad boy sneered. The interviewer saw an opening since Okon was on the offensive.

    “ Sir, can it be said that Chief Clark has abandoned his son Mr Goodluck Jonathan?” the interviewer queried in his merry baritone.

    “Make una tell Jonathan make him produce him birth certificate now. When fire catch man and catch him son, man must to take care of him own fire first oo. He be like if say dem Buhari don set dem afire”, Okon sniggered. It was at this point that Baba Lekki barged in with a frown.

    “Edwin Clark na gbarogudu man”, the old man began in pidgin and then switched to perfect English.”When we were in London he was Urhobo, when we got to Nigeria he became Ijaw. Na money dey determine him tribe. Tomorrow  Kajegbodo Clark fit say him be godogodo”.

    “Ha baba if he wan disowner him fine fine Yoruba wife, Okon dey kampe ooo. He don tey I punish Egba woman”. The mad boy snorted in relish. It was at this point that some Arogbow Ijaw fishermen from the surrounding creeks stormed the station and disrupted proceedings.