The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Okon

  • Okon submits application for paternity leave

    It has been raining cats and dogs in Lagos. The sky looks like a bereaved old woman who has wept herself into a wrinkled sunken mass. Whether this is a divine metaphor for the state of the nation or some apocalyptic forewarning, Snooper cannot say. Nature can also be profligate in its bounties. The rains are part of some ancient fertility rites, a boon for baby boomers, in  a manner of speaking.

    But you can trust the indefatigable Okon to cotton in on the act. On Saturday morning, instead of preparing early breakfast, the rogue Romeo barged in with a bulging file brimming with dog-eared receipts and assorted counterfeit bills. Before one could ask what he was up to, the crazy chap erupted.

    “Oga, since dem Fashola people don see reason, I wan apply for dem multiple paternity leave. I get dem four women who dey carry pikin for Okon”, the mad boy snorted.

    “Meaning what?” Snooper snapped.

    “Na dem papa born dem and na me give dem belle”, Okon retorted with a fiendish grin of self-satisfaction.

    “Okon, go away, you are a fool. The law recognises only monogamy”, snooper explained, suppressing his mirth.

    “Oga dat one na burukutu law. I no dey do dem mahogany. Mahogany na hard wood. Okon dey fire only dem rubber bullet.” Okon sneered.

    “But still, four women in a row!! Okon, since when have you become a baby factory?” snooper asked in jest.

    “Ah oga, dat one I sabi well well”, Okon began with a satanic wink, “he get time like dat when I dey do night shift for dem baby factory for Oko Oba. One night dem come bring eleven girls from Abakaliki like dat and dem say make man start work. As I come dey drink paraga for manpower, dem mad ibo girl come seize dem bottle and come hammer Okon him head. Naim I come pick race like dem antelope for Itigidi. Dem ibo crooks still dey owe me for overtime, but I no fit go near dem place lailai”.

    “Case closed”, snooper crowed with a measure of satisfaction.

    “Ha, oga I hope dis dem paternity thin no be dem offside trap. You know dem Fashola boy na good footballer.”, Oko noted fearfully.

    “Why?” snooper demanded.

    “Becos dem never give me dem Certificate of Occupation for Shikira. I don waka sotey for Alausa, and na so so promise. If only I fit take dem Abakaliki girls there make dem teach dem sense”, Okon lamented. On that note, snooper quietly pushed out the crazy boy.

  • Okon returns with a bang!

    It has been a long time since our boy and faithful man-Friday, Okon Anthony Okon, appeared on this page. There has been some nasty turbulence in the air. The country has been passing through some desperate times. As a result of the cruel abduction of the Chibok girls and what seems like the deliberate unfurling of armed personnel on the populace, it was decided that for his own safety, Okon  should be playing deep in his own eighteen. He was also expressly forbidden from publicly commenting on burning national issues, such as the Chibok abduction, the transformation of Boko Haram to a full blown insurgent outfit and Goodluck Jonathan’s reelection ploys.

    But there is no killing the beetle. A man who is destined for stardom is bound to achieve stardom no matter the circumstances. It was Okon’s latest “Brazilian” scam which attracted the attention of an irreverent and off-message television station owned by a Lagos billionaire. All formalities concluded, Okon, dressed like a Portuguese pirate and pole-hugging drunk, was carried shoulder-high into the premises by the usual suspects. The interviewers wasted no time with polite preambles.

    “Ha, welcome back from Afghanistan, Otunba Okon”, one of them, a sly-looking Lagos boy, opened with a knowing wink.

    “Point of incorrection!” Okon screamed at the fellow.” Number one, I no go any Afaganishan. Na oga say make I no talk because him dey fear dem sojas. Number two, I don tell una sotey say Okon no be Otunba. Otunba na yeye Yoruba title. Even dem tailor for Mafoluku dey bear Otunba. Okon be Etubom. So make dat one enter your yeye Yoruba yam head”.

    “All right, Etubong Okon. Welcome back from Brazil. I hope you didn’t return with empty hand”, the dandy Lagosian noted in smooth and sweet conciliation. But Okon was not done.

    “Dat one na Yoruba empty head talk. How man fit return from dem Brazil with empty hands after dem Germans come wire dem like dat? Even dem Abakaliki basket no fit carry all dem goals”, Okon snorted.

    “It was pure massacre”, one of the ladies, an obvious soccer fan, observed with a charm offensive. Okon immediately smelt an offside trap.

    “Ha, you see, dis na how dem Ibo ladies dey drag man for trouble. You wan make I talk about dem poor Chibok girls and wetin dem dey do to dem? Abi wetin concern massacra with dem football? Abi massacra no be dem ladies cream?” Okon sniggered as the poor woman squirmed in obvious embarrassment. Okon, lapsing into his customary bawdiness, pursued his quarry.

    “Bia, bia, my sister, wetin dem dey call dat medicine sef wey dey make man koboko very strong like dem iron rod? Sebi na Victoria abi na Niagra?  I know say dem dey call dem other one Cecilia, abi no be so?” Okon whined with devilish relish. The studio roared with laughter. Sensing that they have brought an ant-infested plank from the forest, the interviewers became very jittery.

    “All right, Chief Okon, have you learnt any lesson from the current tournament in Brazil?” the oldest man asked the increasingly excitable rogue.

    “Plenty, if you wan know. The first be say free  kick no be free. When dem Houtounji boy come finish our Onazi boy like dat, and dem award free kick, I think say dat one mean say make somebody kick dem fool freely, but no be so. Two, when dem say game don reach injury time, I think say na knife and broken bottles go settle matter. The third be say African football don kaput patapata”, Okon replied.

    “Okay, let us talk about the Ekiti election”, the other lady suggested.

    “Ha na dat one dem dey call ricesm”, Okon snorted.

    “Did you say racism?” the old man persisted.

    “I said ricesm” Okon insisted.

    “What is the philosophy?”

    “The infrastructure of philosophy is the philosophy of food infrastructure”.  It was at this point that Okon himself collapsed from drinking and philosophizing on an empty stomach.

  • Okon in kidnap nightmare

    These are strange and very interesting times in Nigeria. It is becoming increasingly difficult to separate living from a permanent nightmare and horrible reality from realistic horror. Even for a Stone Age society, there are some horrors that are simply unimaginable. But they are for real. The widespread trading in human parts induces a suspension of reality in the sane and sober.

    Is this an official scam to turn everybody into compulsory vegetarians? At least in Ancient Rome when African gladiators were trotted out to fight animals unto death, they were given the chance of a honourable exit. But this new Negro necrophilia on the Equator suggests a vast cuckoo’s nest from which no one can escape.

    Increasingly, snooper finds himself taking to bed to avoid the seemingly inevitable. But it turns out that even the bed is no longer a bed of roses. The bed is a bedlam in its own right. Last Friday as snooper lay in bed ruminating about the heinous crimes in the land, particularly the recent idiotic nonsense about the Nigerian economy overtaking South Africa, the phone suddenly rang. It was Okon sounding agitated and distraught.

    “Okon, where are you?” snooper bellowed.

    “Oga, katakata don burst. Agaracha don….” the boy mumbled.

    “I say: where are you? You’ve gone to the market for over five hours now”, snooper screamed, cutting him off.

    “Oga, monkey don go market and he no go return. Dem kidnapper don get man”, Okon replied.

    “If they like let dem keep you forever”, snooper raved. At this point a voice in the background demanded the phone from Okon and then began in clear crisp English.

    “This is General Constitution Iponkiri. We have your boy”, the voice announced.

    “And you can keep him forever”, Snooper screamed.

    “Send us five million before evening or we shall cook one of the boy’s legs and send it to you as pepper soup”, the general announced calmly and without any fuss or funfair.

    “Oga, if I be your son…” Okon whined in the background.

    “You can do whatever you like with him. I don’t negotiate with criminals” snooper cursed with much distemper.

    “You see, it is you we actually want, and we know how to get you. I can tell you that you are wearing blue pyjamas and lying on the bed with lots of books”, the general continued as fear crept up the spine of yours sincerely.

    “What?” Snooper exclaimed in disbelief.

    “I can also tell you that there is an unfinished bottle of beer under your bed”, the poker-faced terrorist continued.

    “E la tanran ooo!” snooper screamed in acute distress as he lapsed into ancient Ife dialect. The force of the exclamation was such that he hit his head against the bed and woke with a searing headache. And there was Okon bringing tea with a devilish smile.

    “Oga, abi you be kidnapper sef? I been dey hear you speak to dem”, the mad boy chortled with satanic relish.

    “Get lost!” snooper screamed in alarm.

    “Oga, if you be kidnapper, I get business” Okon noted with a wink, Snooper leapt at the mad boy who fled shouting, “Oga wan kidnap me oooooo!!!”.

  • Dem dey fight and dem dey chop

    (Baba Lekki solves a state riddle)

    On Friday morning as snooper nursed his wounds from internet felons who had hacked into his account and sent a message round the globe that yours sincerely was down on his luck in some Ukrainian hovel, Okon crept in wearing a massive scowl. He was brandishing a picture of Nigerian leaders backslapping and grinning from ear to ear at the recent centenary extravaganza.

    The centenary celebrations had elicited quite a fierce controversy from affronted citizens who dismissed the whole farce as a misbegotten misplacement of national priorities. A master of unforced errors, Jonathan had chalked up a couple of own goals on that one. Having contributed to the opening debate, yours sincerely refrained from joining the fray. But the crazy boy appeared inconsolable.

    “Oga I think dem say dis magomago people dey fight? Come see how dem dey laugh and dem dey yabi after dem done finish dem country. Which kind fight be dis?” the mad boy exploded.

    “Okon, go away. Hackers have finished me. They have stolen my password”, Snooper moaned in distress.

    “Oga, why you no get failword?” the mad boy demanded. As Snooper chased him away, it was a forlorn and dejected Okon who went in search of Baba Lekki for a solution to the state riddle. The old crook cleared his throat.

    “You see Okon, you are a fool. Na dat one dem dey call Sunny Ade and Obey fight” the old man grunted.

    “Baba wetin be dat? Abi dem Area Five leaves don scatter your head again?” Okon sneered.

    “You see, when you be small pikin and your yeye mama never pick race, he get dem two musicians, Obey and Sunny. Dem dey carry rumour say dem dey fight and we go dey buy dem record yafuyafu. Small time I dey wonder say dis dem Sunny Obey fight, how come one of dem no dey hospital and one of dem no kaput sef? I come follow dem yeye musicians to dem Empire Hotel for Idi Oro where dem dey eat and dem dey make merry. I come lose my mind.. I come order dem make dem dey fight kiakia or I go finish dem. Naim dem come pick race. So na Sunny Obey fight be dat. When crocodile dey chop dem dey cry”, the old man submitted’

    “Kai, kai na Amadiora go scatter dis yeye people!”, a deflated Okon yelped and collapsed into a heap.

  • Okon to return Sanusi’s documents

    On Thursday morning while Snooper was having an early morning reverie on the state of the nation, Okon barged in panting breathlessly.

    “Oga, he don happen. Dem come dumbu dem mosquito mala for Shakara Bank, abi wetin dem dey call am sef? “ the crazy boy chortled.

    “Okon get lost, it is not possible. The president does not have such power,” Snooper snarled, waving the crazy boy away.

    “President no get power. Oga, what if power come get president?” the boy snorted and slunk away. Later in the day after the earthquake had sunk in, the mad boy returned to press home his advantage. This time, he was dressed in flowing babanriga. Before Snooper could say a word, Okon had opened fire.

    “Oga I wan quickly reach Kano make I return dem kulikuli and goro dem mala forget for office,” the mad boy crowed.

    “Okon, be careful. There is something foul and nasty in the air,” Snooper warned.

    “Na mala shit be dat.” the crazy boy snorted.

    “Sanusi will challenge Jonathan in court,” Snooper noted without conviction.

    “Ha oga, mala no dey play Challenge cup. Dis no be time for yeye grammar,” the boy shot back.

    “Okon, get lost, now, now now” Snooper screamed.

    “Oga, you dey say progress no dey for Naija. But Ijaw man come dey wire mala like dat. Na so him be before before? Small time now Efik houseboy go dey hammer dem Yoruba masters.” Sensing the dawn of the dreaded apocalypse, Snooper sprang up. Okon fled.

  • Okon submits his own snipers’ list

    Ever since the old public letter writer of Ota penned his historic missive to his former(?) political protégé accusing him, among other things, of having a snipers’ nest in readiness for any eventuality, the polity has not known any peace. Many other aspiring letterati—please permit the coinage—have joined the fray, including the man who ran away when General Abacha famously sacked the National Assembly in 1993. It doesn’t get more absurd. But this is Nigeria where even snails fancy themselves as powerfully horned animals.

    Every new trade in Nigeria invites its own tradesmen and traders. The letter industry has witnessed an exponential growth and is about to be quoted in the Stock Exchange. Snooper used to fancy Obasanjo as a writer among generals, but now we must grudgingly concede that the old one is also a general among writers. The great one once wrote Snooper a 40 page letter in connection with a bitter dispute over his role in the June 12 fiasco. It was dated 11th April, 1998 from Yola Prison.

    Meanwhile, trust Nigerians, there have been nominations and self-nominations to the august list. Our feisty friend, the turbulently loquacious Nasir el-Rufai, insists that he is way up on the list among other distinguished opposition politicos. A top journalist also insists that he has seen his name on the list. A man who claimed to have regularly taken Goodluck Jonathan out while he served as a corper in the sleepy rural town of Iresi has requested Snooper to find out if his name was on the list for being a repository of state secrets.

    As usual, having detonated his literary bomb, the great wizard has retreated behind a wall of stormy silence leaving the fray to landlubbers who do not know a thing about the military strategy of terror bombardment. In boxing, it is not when you hit a man that he falls. According to the infamous Mike Tyson, there are certain blows that take their time. Snooper once watched a boxer so disoriented by punishment that he went and sat on his opponent’s laps.

    In the circumstance, the mystery snipers’ list has become a national mystery. But trust the crazy Okon not to have any of that nonsense. On Friday morning, Okon dropped a list on Snooper’s table.

    “What is this?” Snooper asked in alarm.

    “Oga, na dem snipers’ list be dat. Na dem dey snipe, na dem dey snap, na dem dey spitfire and na dem dey cause katakata for Obodo”, Okon shrieked.

    “I see”, Snooper drawled and quickly went through the list. It was brimming with historical accuracies and seditious fallacies. In a dramatic twist, Jonathan was top on the list with Obasanjo coming second among many others. Snooper was frantic.

    “But Obasanjo has kept quiet”, Snooper observed.

    “Oga dat one na wicked Yoruba quiet. You no say when dem wicked Yoruba people wan kill person dem go keep quiet, like dem devil”, the mad boy snorted.

    “Asari Dokubo has just been questioned by the SSS”, Snooper continued.

    “Dat one na wetin dem Fela dey call army arrangement”, the crazy boy winked.

    “And Mbu Mbu has just been removed from command”, an exasperated Snooper cautioned.

    “Oga dat one na bad riddance to good rubbish. “, Okon drawled. On that note, Snooper quickly pushed out the mad boy in a frantic damage limitation effort.

  • SIERRA LEONE’S WITHDRAWAL: Don’t relent, Okon tells Falcons

    SIERRA LEONE’S WITHDRAWAL: Don’t relent, Okon tells Falcons

    • Team’s camping on hold

    Super Falcons’ acting head coach, Edwin Okon has welcomed the decision of the Leone Queens of Sierra Leone to withdraw from the Namibia 2014 African Women’s Championship (AWC) qualifiers billed for next month but stressed that his players won’t be carried away by that.

    The Falcons were billed to host the Queens on February 15 at the Abuja National Stadium and travel to Free Town a fortnight later for the second leg but a letter from the Sierra Leone Football Federation to the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF) has put preparations for that on hold.

    Sierra Leone’s Football House had in the letter sent to the NFF and CAF stated that they won’t be travelling to Nigeria because of financial constraints and thus offered their withdrawal for the Falcons to move to the next and final round of the qualifiers.

    Nigeria will await the winner of Rwanda versus Kenya encounter and from there plan the best formation to beat either of the two East Africans.

    Okon told SportingLife that there was nothing new with Sierra Leonean’s withdrawal and that the Falcons’ players and officials would have loved to face them as they continue their rebuilding process.

    He said even though the players and officials have been alerted of the development and as such won’t need to report to camp on January 13, they won’t be relaxing at all as they seek a berth to the African Women’s Championship (AWC) slated for 11th-25th October in Namibia.

    “We have heard the news of Sierra Leone’s withdrawal and it is no new thing to me. The condition that necessitated their pulling out could happen to any country with lean purse for sports.

    “We were in the process of resuming camping again from January 13 before we got this information. It would have been nice to play against them but we can’t help it since they have already pulled out.

    “We will continue with our own preparation as we await the winner of Rwanda and Kenya. It is our target to qualify for Namibia 2014 AWC and also to make meaningful impact. We are on course,” Okon, who also doubles as the head coach of Rivers Angels, told SportingLife.

    The AWC will be used as the qualifying campaign for the FIFA Women’s World Cup scheduled for Canada next year and the first three countries at the end of the 9th edition of the women’s soccer fiesta will make the trip to North America.

  • Okon becomes a public letter writer

    It is the season of letters. Missives have become missiles flying all over the place like weapons of mass destruction. The gentle and polite art of belles-lettres has been transformed in post-colonial Nigeria to a weapon of political offensive often with chilling prognostications. Over Christmas, snooper received a letter from his daughter which began with the ominous opener: before it is too late. The heart froze at the looming prospects of literary fratricide. But it turned out to be a merely mischievous but arresting opening gambit of seasonal felicitations.

    Looking for a theory of political letter writing, Baba Lekki, the old crusty contrarian, calmly explained that the word “lethargy” which he described as the principal ailment of the Nigerian ruling class has now transformed into the exact opposite of its original meaning. According to the crazy old man, it now means “leta ji” or the awakening of letters.

    When the dust has settled a bit, perhaps a young researcher in one of our universities will conduct a scholarly inquisition into the Impact of Letter Writing on the Politics of The Fourth Republic. There can be no doubt that the old profession of public letter writing profoundly affected the literary and political development of modern Nigeria. Those ones were a breed from another planet: fierce, fearsome patriots who took no hostage and were walking dictionaries in their own right. There are at least three famous Nigerian writers whose fathers were public letter writers.

    But while we are still on this subject, it is appropriate to report that Okon has cottoned on the act by becoming a public letter writer. He had set up shop in the garage with a rusty, antediluvian computer which he probably stole from the warehouse of a defunct newspaper in Majidun owned by the one with the deathly grin. A rapid queue soon built up. It was a distraught woman that first came forward.

    “Oga Okolo, abi wetin dey call dat yeye name? I wan make you write letter to dem yeye NEPA people. Before, before dem dey produce 12 hours of darkness, now dem don increase am to 23. Ask dem make dem add the rest one hour so dat katakata go scatter dem mama”, the woman screamed.

    “I hear you my sista”, Okon nodded in agreement. Another woman came and asked Okon to write a love letter to her banker lover.

    “Ha mama, I go begin dat one with osculate me, my bobo”, Okon sneered.

    “Osculate ko, ejaculate ni. Weeree. He be like if say your head no correct sef”, the woman snapped and left. Then it was the turn of a distinguished Lagosian-looking man in three piece suit and colonial bowler hat. He had an aura of authority about him which was quite unnerving.

    “I was a colonial PLW, which means public letter writer, but these days if you send a private letter to these ones they will respond with a public letter bomb.”, the man opened..

    “So baba, wetin you want me do with dat one?” Okon queried.

    “Ha, that is not why I am here. I want you to write a letter to Vanguard demanding for the true paternity of Iyabo’s letter.” The old man suddenly exploded.

    “Ha baba, on dat one I dey maternity leave”, Okon quickly retorted and began packing his computer.

  • Okon bids Mandela goodbye

    It was early morning. Snooper had been groggy with sleep. The wild carousal in the village was finally taking its belated toll. A historic hangover ruled the cranial roost. As a freak rain clattered and pounded the aluminium roof, Snooper coiled up in bed like a mamba, waiting for whoever would be foolish enough to knock the door. Suddenly, all hell was let loose as Okon barged in, frantic and panting with excitement.

    “Oga, oga, where you dey? Baba don die oooo”, the crazy boy chanted breathlessly.

    “It’s about time”, Snooper moaned, cursing the mad boy’s ancestors.

    “I no dey talk about dat wuruwuru Baba. Dat one dey do two fighting with dem Jonathan. Na dem go kaput each other. Hausaman kill Fulaniman no be case for court. Na crazy man go carry him crazy pikin or as dem Yoruba people dey say na baba’s goat dey chop baba’s corn.. But as I dey say na Mandela who come quench ooo” Okon sang.

    “What?” Snooper screamed and jumped out of bed to switch on the television. There indeed an iconic cameo of humanity was unfolding. A million dancing feet were converging on Mandela’s residence. It was a modern epic of grief and celebration of a life lived truly and totally at the behest of the people. Snooper was close to tears. A few days after, Okon came in again, this time dressed like a traditional chieftain from the South South with resource control cap to match.

    “And where is Etubom Okon coming from this time?” Snooper sneered.

    “Oga I dey come from dem South African Embarrassy” the crazy one retorted.

    “To do what?” Snooper demanded.

    “I go sign dem condomless register for Baba Madiba.” The mad boy intoned.

    “I see. Is it riffraff like you that they want there?” Snooper asked trying to suppress his mirth.

    “Oga, dis one no be time for big grammar. Dem Rufai dey there and dem Rafiu boku for dem place. He get one old Yoruba politician who dey cry say him papa don die, so I tell am say if him no clear for Okon, I go beat am silly. Dem Naija leaders no get shame at all. If dem Mandela be Naija man dem for don kill am for Kirikiri long time. You no see how dem Mandela people come put Jonathan for dem small corner? Na African proverb be dat”, the boy ranted.

    “Okon, so what did you put in the register?” Snooper cautiously enquired.

    “Ha, ha, I tell Baba Mandela, make him go well. He don try him best, But I tell am say if suffer no whack am enough, when he dey come back make him come back as dem black man. Dis time suffer go whack am well well. Dem Oyinbo people go jail am again and dis time him go kaput for jail..”

    It was on this note that Snooper waved away the mad boy.

  • Artistes storm Uyo for Invasion L.O.L

    Artistes storm Uyo for Invasion L.O.L

    NOT minding the downpour, residents of Uyo in Akwa Ibom State, last Sunday, converged on Amazing Grace Plaza, venue of Glo Laffta Fest, to catch a bit of excitement in the form of comedy, music and dance.

    Tagged Invasion L.O.L., the event paraded 12 Nigerian comedians, three music stars, East African comedian and an up- and- coming artiste, Vnissi, with the juke box tendered by the Nigeria’s most decorated female DJ, Dj Nana.

    Joke merchant, Basketmouth, led a cast of equally talented and influential comedians. In his opening salvo, Basketmouth shocked and awed the audience with how he would instruct M.I.C to conduct his burial after a glorious life, rocking his “caski” to hip-hop music with bouncing dance steps.

    Comedians who performed at the event included 2CanTalk, SIM Card, Seyi Law, Buchi, Gandoki, Okon Lagos, Okey Bakassi, Gordons, Akpororo and Bovi, among others.

    Akwa Ibom- born Okon Lagos received a standing ovation, as he introduced his new wife to the crowd and laced his jokes with his native Uyo dialect. His funny facial expressions and comical mannerism were as remarkably witty as his jokes.

    The comedy sessions were complemented with music by Burna Boy, MI and Wande Coal, who spiced the evening with top Nigerian songs. All the three acts got the audience dancing and singing along with them.

    Speaking after his performance, Mr. Incredible said, “It was one of my best shows ever. This platform, I mean the Glo Laffta Fest, is one that any artiste that is worth his or her calling as a musician will want to be. I am happy to be part of this great show and am more grateful to Globacom for bringing me closer to my numerous fans here in Uyo.”