The Nation Newspaper

Tag: romance

  • He told me to get married, that he will not advise me not to wait

    Aunty Adeola, what will I do? I am a young lady of 28. A friend of 7years suddenly quits the relationship just like that after much commitment from both sides and at the point where things were getting into place. He told me to get married that he’s going abroad for his masters after his service (which he is doing now) that he will not advise me not to wait.

    Whether it was your fault or not, a relationship breakup doesn’t have to break up your life. I know it is a painful experience, especially when you invest so much emotion, time and effort into the relationship. Sometimes it is hard to recover from the hurt, the disappointment and the thought of living your life without that partner. You can cry about it if it makes you feel better, and skip a few meals if you can’t help it, but don’t allow yourself to be stuck in that condition of self-pity and depression. Stop blaming yourself or your ex-partner. Don’t waste time over silly egoistic regrets. Shake off your disappointments, put that chapter of your life behind you and consider it a lesson well-learned. It now belongs to your past; and as you know you can’t change your past. Pick yourself up, move on with hope, and try again. It is only when you try again that you can find a truly happy and stable relationship.

    How do you recover from all this pain and heartbreak?

    1. Try to see the breakup in a positive light:

    This may seem like a crazy idea especially in the first few days of the breakup when the pain is so fresh and you feel so depressed. It is difficult to see anything positive about living the rest of your life without someone you could have sworn was your soul-mate. When you think of all the fun you had together, and how all youar friends and family who knew about your relationship will judge the breakup, it probably makes more sense to you to just concentrate on the pain instead of trying to see anything positive about the breakup. But think of it this way, you wouldn’t have broken up if you were soul-mates. I also expect that “true” family members and friends will rather be supportive of you than try to judge or tease you about your breakup. So, it is ok to breakup sometimes. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Perhaps you are being prepared for someone better suited to your needs. Take consolation in the saying that sometimes “Rejection is God’s protection.” You never know what negative outcomes could have been in your future if it hadn’t ended this way.

    No matter how good your ex was, he wasn’t perfect. It is sometimes helpful to think of all the bad things he did that once made you mad. Ask yourself if he really valued your love. A better partner is on the way. Your star will shine brighter if you wait patiently for it.

    Have a positive mind. Consider yourself better off without your ex. You can now do all the things you wanted to do for yourself, that your ex didn’t allow you to do; either because she was being controlling, wanted you to postpone it, or just didn’t like it. You can now easily buy that expensive home theatre system your ex didn’t want you to buy without any interference. You can now hang out with your friends for longer hours, stay late at the club or billiards, talk on the phone with anyone you want for any length of time, etc. without anyone cursing at you or fighting with you. Enjoy your newly found freedom and take control of your life.

    2. Stay close to people you love and people who love and care about you: These could be your relatives or very good friends who have a genuine interest in your well-being. They can help you fill the void of companionship that your ex may have left in your life. Their company will help to keep your mind off your ex and thus reduce the pain of the breakup.

    Avoid being alone for prolonged periods of time. This solitude can keep you fretting over your ex and failed relationship and translate into a feeling of loneliness, failure, and disappointment. Being around people you like can keep you energized and inspired.

    3. Stay in shape, stay active and participate in fun activities you love:

    Just because you broke up with your partner doesn’t mean you should now dress down, overeat to mask the pain, and stop going to the gym. No! It is now time to look your best. Don’t allow people to think you are now a miserable wretch because you lost your partner; as if your whole life depended on her. Engage in activities you love and enjoy. Go to the gym and get a good dose of exercise every day. Find creative ways of entertaining yourself. These keep your mind occupied and less likely to grieve over your breakup. Because grieving over your breakup will only keep you stressed and depressed. Worst still, as you continually waste time crying and mourning over “spilt milk”, your blood pressure rises making you susceptible to hypertension and other heart diseases. So why lose your life over a lost partner? Forget about her and move on into something more productive.

    Exercise also keeps your mind active, and helps you to stay in shape; so you can be noticed by other eligible partners. Eat healthy meals and dress elegantly to boost your image and confidence.

    4. Pursue your life goals and dreams like never before:

    This is the time to challenge yourself that you can achieve anything or any goal without your ex’s support. Empower yourself with this belief and pursue your dreams and work hard like you are trying to prove to your ex and all your skeptics that you can do it on your own. You can now enroll in that academic program this year. Let them see you succeed and wish they had you. Let this mindset challenge you to be your best. And when you are preoccupied with being your best, you wouldn’t even have time to think about the breakup.

    5. Free your mind and hold nothing against your ex:

    Free your mind and harbor no ill feelings against your ex as that will only keep anger lingering in your heart, and thus poison everything you think and do. Holding resentments against your ex and the breakup could also affect your ability to stay open to new relationships and enjoy life to its fullest.

    Approach the breakup with a positive attitude. Even if you think you were treated unfairly, try to forgive and move on. Choose ease (or peace of mind) over anxiety. Relax and have a clear mind so that you will know the right action to take. If you like, you can remain a friend to your ex. But, if you can’t, then you should just avoid her entirely without harboring any ill feelings.

    6. Move on and stay open to new relationships:

    Finally, move on and stay open to new relationships. There is a saying that “just because you have been choked by food before doesn’t mean you shouldn’t eat again.” It should only serve as a lesson as to what to eat, and how not to eat next time. This can also be applied to relationships and breakups. Just because you tried it once and it didn’t work doesn’t mean it will never work. Don’t let the fear of another breakup stop you from starting a new relationship. Just as all fingers are not the same, all women are not the same. So purge your mind of the “they-are-all-the-same” mentality and move on with hope. Stay open to new relationships and make a fresh start after a reasonable period of recovery. Don’t jump right into another relationship unless you’re really sure about what you’re doing. Your judgment may be clouded by your depressed emotional state. During your time of loneliness after a breakup, a lot of women will come along with adequate attention and care. Most of these women will try to take advantage of your situation to rush you into another relationship. So you have to be careful. Get over your pain first. Analyze yourself and your needs. Don’t just give in to anyone who comes along; that gives the impression of being desperate. And, unfortunately, many like to take advantage of desperate people. So rationalize in choosing your next partner. Utilize the lessons you learned from your previous relationship, and do your part to make your new relationship work.

    But even if it doesn’t work, you should understand that finding the right partner is like digging for gold. Sometimes in order to find the right partner, you have to encounter and overcome a lot of challenges, disappointments and obstacles; similar to the rocks, stones, clay and sand, that have to be encountered and eliminated in order to get to the gold underneath. Only those who don’t give up to these obstacles can bring home the gold. So don’t give up; go for the gold!

  • Since I lost my pretty wife I’ve been scared of ladies

    Adeola, I’ve been following your Hearts column right from my days in Lagos until my recent relocation to Uyo.I have a problem which I need your urgent advice on.I lost my pretty wife almost 3years ago and since then I’ve been scared of ladies because I’m afraid if I could ever find a replacement.

    Dear Uyo man, it’s usually hard for people to start afresh after losing a very nice partner. The truth however is that you must move on in life and accept the fact that no two people are exactly the same. You may or may not meet a woman who is as good as the one you lost. You may even be lucky to find somebody who is so good you would be happy you have a second chance at love.

    Life does not always give us the best options; we have to learn to mould what we have into what can make us happy. Yes, dating again after the death of a spouse can be an awkward experience. It can bring out feelings of confusion and concern from friends, family, and those who were close to the deceased spouse.  You’ve lost a spouse and are looking to date again, here are 10 tips to make sure you’re able to successfully navigate the dating waters.

    1. When you decide to date again is up to you: There’s no specific time period that one should wait before dating again. Grieving and the process of moving on is something that’s unique to each person. Some people take years, others weeks, and then there are those who choose never to date again. Whatever you do, don’t let others tell you you’re moving too fast or waiting too long. Make sure it’s something you’re really ready to try before taking that step.

    2. Make sure you’re dating for the right reasons: If you feel like dating again, take some time to understand why you want to date again. It’s not wrong to date because you’re lonely or desire some company. Single people date for those reasons too. However, if you’re dating because you think it going to somehow fill the void or heal the pain that comes from losing a spouse, it’s not going to happen. However, dating does give you the opportunity to open your heart to another person and chance to experience the unique and exquisite joy that comes with falling in love again.

    3. Feeling guilty is natural – at first: As you date, feelings of guilt should subside over time – especially when you find that special someone you might want to spend the rest of your life with. If the guilt’s not subsiding, you might not be ready to date again. Give dating a break and try dating again when you might be more up to the task.

    4. It’s okay to talk about the deceased spouse – just don’t overdo it: Unless you’re good friends or have known your date previously, he or she is going to be naturally curious about your spouse and previous marriage. And it’s OK to talk about the spouse when you’re first dating someone. Answer questions he or she may have about your marriage but don’t spend all your time talking about the dead or how happy you were. After all your date is the one that’s here now. And who knows, he or she might make you incredibly happy for years to come. Constantly talking about the past, may make it seem like you’re not ready to move on and start a new relationship. Showing that you care enough to get to know them can help reassure your date that you’re ready to start a new life with someone else.

    5. Remember: your date is not a therapist: Would you like going out with someone who constantly talked about issues she was having in her life? Dating isn’t a therapy session – it’s an opportunity to spend time with someone else and enjoy their company. If you find yourself dating just to talk about the pain in your heart, how much you miss your spouse, or tough times you’re going though, seek professional help. Your date will have a more memorable night if it’s about him or her then about everything you’re going through.

    6. It’s okay to make mistakes when you’re finding your dating legs : If you find yourself forgetting simple dating etiquette, don’t worry about it. Most dates would understand if they knew it had been awhile since you dated. But don’t make the same mistake over and over. Learn from them and continue moving forward. You’ll be surprised how fast your dating legs return.

    7. Defend your date: You may discover when once the family and friends learn you’re dating again they may not treat this new woman or man in your life very well. The treatment may come in the form of a cold shoulder at family activities or constantly talking about the deceased wife in front of the date. If you have family and friends who are doing this, they need to be told privately, but in a loving manner, that this behavior is not acceptable. If you wouldn’t let family or friends treat your spouse that way, why would you tolerate that behavior toward someone else – especially when your date could become your future spouse? Don’t be afraid to defend your date. If you can’t do that, then you have no business dating again.

    8. Realize that not everyone will understand why you’re dating again : There will always be someone who will not understand why you’ve chosen to date again. They may give you a hard time for dating again or have some silly romantic notion that widows and widowers shouldn’t fall in love again. Their options do not matter. All that matters is that you’re ready to date again. You don’t need to justify your actions to them or anyone else.

    9. Take things slow: The death of a spouse means losing the intimate physical contact. After a while we miss the kisses, having someone’s head resting on our shoulder, or the warm body next to us in bed. This lack of physical and emotional intimacy is enough to drive a lot of people into the dating scene. Don’t feel bad if you find yourself missing these things. It’s completely normal.

    In the dating world wanting something that was part of our lives for years can become a ticking time bomb. It can force us into a serious relationship before we’re ready. The result: lots of broken hearts and emotional baggage.

    If you find that you’re on a date and it’s going well, don’t be afraid to take things slow. This isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s hard not to throw ourselves at our date if things are going good because we want to be close to someone again. We want that warm body next to ours and have the words “I love you” whispered in our ears. But it can save you and your date a lot of emotional heartache if you wait to make sure what you’re doing is because you love the other person and not because you miss the intimacy that came with your late husband or wife.

    10. Make your date feel like the center of the universe : It’s a basic dating rule but it’s often forgotten by widows and widowers. Because we already have someone special in our lives, sometimes we forget to make our date feel special too. Treat your date in such a way that he or she feels like she’s the center of your universe. He or she shouldn’t have to compete against a ghost – even if you only have one date with that person. As long you’re out together, he or she should be the center of your universe.

    Even though dating can be awkward and difficult at times, it can also be a lot of fun. There’s no reason being a widow or widower should hold you back from enjoying a night out. Part of the reason we’re here is to live and enjoy life. And dating is a great way to start living again.

  • Bringing the romance

    1. Understand that little things mean a lot. While big romantic gestures may have their place, it’s the little things that show a woman how much she means to you. Thoughtful acts like bringing her a cup of coffee in the morning or putting air in her car tires are very concrete ways of saying “I love you” without you having to utter a word. Be consistent. Show her in some way each day that you’re thinking of her and trying to make her life a bit easier and happier.

    2. Send a message. Scratch out a quick note, send her a text or fire off an email to let her know you’re thinking of her. If she has a big day coming up—a job interview, a presentation at work—send her a message of encouragement and support.

    3. Give compliments. You may never have to answer the question, “Do these pants make my butt look big?” if you’re quick to compliment your woman on her appearance. Dispel any insecurities by saying nice things about parts of her body she might feel less than great about, and don’t forget to compliment the things you find most attractive about her. Don’t underestimate the impact of a simple “You look beautiful”—that pretty much says it all. If you do get the “Do these pants make my butt look big?” question, the correct answer is always

    “No.” We all like to be recognized for the things that make us special, so compliment your woman for being who she is. Is she creative, fascinating, funny? Do you admire her achievements and her outlook on life? Tell her! And be sure to look her straight in the eye when you do so.

    4. Follow her lead. Initially, let the woman set the pace for your physical relationship. No woman wants to feel pressured to have sex before she’s ready, and everyone has a different timetable for being ready. Let her know how you feel, but back off (without pouting) if she wants to wait before getting intimate.

    5. Embrace foreplay. Physiologically, experts agree that foreplay is an important part of sexual health. In fact, an Australian study found that the majority of women are more aroused by the idea of foreplay than sex itself. Hold, touch and caress your partner, play games or talk dirty. If you’re not sure what your woman likes, ask. Just do it outside the bedroom. It’s easier to have that conversation if you’re not just about to have sex.

  • Omowunmi’s friends disown romance tales

    Friends of former beauty queen, Omowunmi Akinifesi, have poured cold water on a new romance story about her in the social space. According to the story, Omowunmi is currently enjoying a steamy affair with a top shot in Aso Villa. The love affair, which the two love birds are said to have ignited about two years ago, is said to be a very serious one.

    The Aso Villa top shot is rumoured to have financed Omowunmi’s post-graduate programme at Kings College, London, where she bagged a master’s degree in Modelling in 2012. Omowunmi bagged her first degree in Geography and Regional Planning from the University of Lagos.

    At present, she runs Ella Poise, an ushering agency based in Lagos. However, some of her friends who spoke to Celeb Watch anonymously have denied the romance story, describing it as a figment of the imagination of the peddlers.

  • I was raped at aged 4 now the guy I love is asking me for sex

    Aunty Adeola Agoro, I love everything about you. I lost my virginity at the age of 4 through raping, I am in a relationship for just one month and 3 weeks now but the guy is asking me for sex. His character is changing every day, I need your advice should i stay or leave. The truth is I love him.

    My dear, if as a child you were molested by a shameless pedophile, you didn’t have control over that then. You were just a defenseless little girl whose privacy was soiled. As an adult, you should do everything in your power to protect yourself from deceivers who come in the name of love. I don’t feel comfortable with this kind of guy who comes into your life and begins to misbehave just because you won’t spread your legs. He’s not like the first guy that debased you only in the sense that he wants your consent as against that one who forced you.

    However, they are the same in the sense that he wants to use ‘style’ in the name of love to get your back down. Please, let him go if he wants to go. You have had enough bad experiences already, so you must love yourself and your feelings first before giving in to somebody who is so silly as to be misbehaving just because you refused to give him your body. Your body is yours and you have the power now to say no to sex when you’re not ready. Whether you give in to a bad guy or not, he will leave you when he has had his fill. Be wise!

  • Use the ideas here to write romantic messages …

    You could write these ‘love token messages’ on a postcard and adorn a wall with your statements of love for Valentines day or an anniversary … the only cost is your time … save the cash for a romantic dinner for two… or for flowers or a gift.

    If you want to theme your messages use read or pink coloured card or their favourite colours…

    Or print photos onto the cards, have the cards shaped as hearts or simple flower shapes, or leave them in a trail of stepping stones dotted with messages or use footprint shaped messages …the trail could lead to a candlelit dinner for two to a romantic gift …

    A List of Romantic Words …

    remember romance is – different things to different people so try to think of words that are appropriate.

    Love.

    Beautiful.

    Sweet.

    Kind.

    Gentle.

    Dear.

    Sweetheart.

    Special.

    Beloved.

    Treasured.

    Wonderful.

    Thoughtful.

    A Love Quote…

    ‘Women wish to be loved not because they are pretty, or good, or well bred, or graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves.’

     Quote Henri Frederic Amiel.

    ‘Grow old along with me the best is yet to be.’ Quote by ~ Robert Browning.

    ‘The heart that loves is always young.’ a Greek proverb.

    Write a message today … that will become a word memory…

    •remember … before the days of text and mobiles people sometimes had to write letters or even love letters to each other… some of us who were miles apart from a person we loved. and now have them tied up with ribbon ( the letters not the person we love).

    When from time to time we read the letters; we remember and if we are really lucky we have never forgotten or been forgotten. Maybe that is romantic… so say it, write it , post it, send it.

    three small words …

    If all else fails in your search for the right words –

    remember that said with sincerity three small words can be the most romantic of any…

    and you already know them.

    Different ways of saying the same thing …

    Help in writing Something Romantic …

    A list of sentence starters – put them with the words of your choice or pick from the list below.

    Make sure the words you add to the sentence make sense and that they relate to the person you are saying them too – and please only say them if you mean them -I love you because

    You are special to me because

    No one could be as special to me as you are because

    I like it when you say

    Being with you makes me happy because

    You have the most beautiful smile.

    Words list.

    darling, my love, dearest, sweetheart, beloved, beautiful, special.

  • My guy found out about the other guy and asked me to go

    Dear aunty I’m IJ, I’m 22 years old and I’m dating a guy whom I once loved but I’m falling in love with another guy and I have been hiding it away from him but he later found out and asked me to go. Please help me; I don’t know what to do.

    Sooner or later in the game of double dating, the secret will leak and one party will have to take a walk. In relationships, you can’t continue to eat your cake and have it. It is either  you stick to the one you loved but whom you have fallen out of love with or embrace the new relationship and enjoy it as it unfolds while you say bye-bye to the other guy.

    He’s a real man that’s why he asked you to go. That is even good for you as he still has something to hold on to, after all, he can console himself with the fact that he ended it. It is more painful when the cheating person is the one who has the upper hand to end a relationship. In this case, you were the cheat and he can at least rest in the fact that he caught you and sent you packing.

    This should teach you a lesson in your new relationship – stop cheating. It is better to end an old relationship and start a new one

    on a clean slate. Face your new guy and learn the art of faithfulness.

  • Beverly Naya denies romance with Uti

    Beverly Naya denies romance with Uti

    SEQUEL to rumours which made the rounds in recent past claiming that Big Brother All Star winner, Uti Nwachukwu, was in a hot romance with British-born Nigerian, Beverly Naya, the actress has come out to deny the claim.

    Though the talented actress was initially quiet about the development, she decided to break her silence recently by tweeting “This Insinuation is laughable. Please let’s not start a rumour…..My boyfriend wasn’t too happy seeing this….”

    She said, “Uti makes me laugh a lot…it’s always fun and games hanging out with him and nothing more.”

    Beverly budding career started with the lead role in the movie Home In Exile and she has gone on to star in “Weekend Getaway’ which also stars her “supposed boyfriend” Uti Nwachukwu, Genevieve Nnaji and Ramsey Nouah.