From its first page, Dangerous Intimacy draws you into a world where romance and intrigue entwine in a narrative that pulses with emotion, desire, and suspense. It’s not just a love story—it’s a multifaceted exploration of relationships, trust, betrayal, and the unforeseen consequences of loving someone who may not be who they seem.
In Dangerous Intimacy, N. Viktoria deftly navigates the tension between passion and peril, creating a story that keeps readers on edge, constantly wondering what will happen next.
What sets this book apart is the depth of the characters and the complexity of their emotional journeys. N. Viktoria’s ability to craft characters that feel real—who are flawed, vulnerable, and full of life—is one of the novel’s greatest strengths.
From the very first chapter, you’re introduced to Viola, the protagonist whose strength and vulnerability become the core of the narrative.
Viola’s evolution throughout the book is masterfully handled. She is a character who wears her emotions on her sleeve, and the reader is taken along as she navigates the highs and lows of a relationship with Michael August, a man who seems perfect but carries deep secrets that could shatter everything.
Suspense and pacing
The pacing in Dangerous Intimacy is nothing short of brilliant. In the opening chapters, Viktoria pulls you in with an intense romantic connection that feels both passionate and intimate.
The chemistry between Viola and Michael is electric, and their relationship quickly escalates into something that feels larger than life. Pretty intense. The kind of romance that will have you cooing, “God when?”
Yet, beneath the surface, you’ll be able to sense that something isn’t quite right. The author cleverly uses foreshadowing to drop hints of tension, creating an underlying sense of unease.
Trust me when I say nothing will quite prepare you for the bombshell.
This is where Viktoria’s literary prowess shines—using suspense not as a tool for cheap thrills but as a mechanism to deepen the emotional resonance of the story.
The build-up is slow and deliberate, allowing the reader to become fully invested in the relationship before pulling the rug out from under them.
Just as you start to believe in the fairy tale (I’m talking-flying-out-of-town-on-a-private-jet-with-a-hired-private-Italian-chef-lunch-date kinda fairytale), the dark twist arrives, and everything you thought you knew is thrown into question.
Character development and emotional depth
One of the standout features of this novel is the layered character development. Viola is a woman whose vulnerability is matched only by her resilience. Viktoria paints her with such complexity that it’s impossible not to root for her, especially as her world begins to crumble.
She is far from the typical romantic heroine. She’s flawed—sometimes impulsive, often too trusting—but this makes her journey all the more relatable. As she discovers Michael’s hidden life, the shift in her character is palpable. The author doesn’t rush her transformation; instead, it unfolds organically, allowing Viola to grow in a way that feels authentic and earned.
Michael August, on the other hand, is a character wrapped in mystery. The allure of his wealth, charm, and success is contrasted with the darkness lurking beneath the surface. His duality keeps readers guessing—who is the real Michael or which personality does he really want to embrace?
Viktoria skillfully uses him as both a romantic lead and an enigma, playing with the reader’s emotions. Is he a victim of circumstance or an orchestrator of his own downfall?
The complexity of his character makes him a perfect foil to Viola’s emotional transparency. Absolutely brilliant!
Literary devices and themes
The use of dramatic irony is a notable feature of the novel. As readers, we’re often a step ahead of Viola in terms of knowing that something isn’t quite right with Michael, yet we’re still shocked when the full truth is revealed.
This gap between what the protagonist knows and what we suspect heightens the tension and keeps us eagerly turning the pages.
The themes of trust, betrayal, and self-discovery are explored with great subtlety. Viktoria uses the relationship between Viola and Michael to probe deeper questions about what it means to truly know someone and whether love can survive the discovery of painful truths.
Relatable questions you may find yourself asking once or twice when you fall in love. You tend to wonder if it’s really too good to be true.
Dialogue and prose
N. Viktoria’s command of dialogue is another strength of the book. Conversations between the characters feel organic and true to life, but there’s always a subtext—an unspoken tension or an emotional undercurrent—that adds depth to the scenes.
Whether it’s the playful banter between Viola and her best friend Lucy or the emotionally charged exchanges between Viola and Michael, the dialogue is sharp, witty, and poignant.
The prose itself is elegant without being overly flowery. Viktoria has a gift for description, painting vivid scenes that immerse the reader in the world of the characters without bogging down the narrative with unnecessary details.
This balance between description and action keeps the story moving at a steady pace while allowing readers to fully experience the emotional landscape of the characters.
Dangerous Intimacy is more than just a romance novel; it’s a captivating exploration of love, trust, and the dark secrets that can unravel even the most passionate relationships.
N. Viktoria’s skillful use of suspense, character development, and emotional depth makes this a standout read. The story grips you from the first page and doesn’t let go, taking you on an emotional rollercoaster that will leave you breathless.
If you’re looking for a book that offers more than just a surface-level romance—a book that delves into the complexities of human relationships and the secrets we keep—Dangerous Intimacy is a must-read.
The tension, the passion, and the unexpected twists make it a novel that lingers in your mind long after you’ve turned the last page. It’s the kind of book that keeps you up late at night, eagerly devouring each chapter, hungry to know what happens next. And isn’t that the mark of truly great storytelling?
At 70, a don and healer, Prof Adebukola Adefule-Ositelu, shares her secrets of longevity with OYEYEMI GBENGA-MUSTAPHA
Looking radiant and buoyant, Prof Adebukola Adefule-Ositelu was quick to tell this reporter that contentment and keeping faith with one’s creator is the secret behind her hitting 70 years on earth.
It was at her 70th birthday celebration. The gathering witnessed crème-la-crème in the academic, health sector, traditional healers, and alternative medicine practitioners, brethrens, kith and kins, and well wishers.
Prof Adefule-Ositelu said all ancient and traditional cultures have secrets to longevity like maintaining contact with the earth for it acts like a grounding wire. Humans should learn to live in dwellings that are able to “breathe” which prevents stagnation and de-ionization of the air. “Our diets should naturally be conducive to perfect jaw bone and tooth formation so we do not have any need for fluoride, braces or root canals. These, coupled with even instinctively knowing the holistic benefits of community and familial support ensure longevity of life,” said Prof Adefule-Ositelu.
Prof Adefule-Ositelu said there is a being who is Almighty and has interest in the affairs of men, so anybody that wants to enjoy peace of mind must learn to always stay attached to this great being.
She explained her reasons, “My parents told me I suffered from frequent and several febrile illnesses in my childhood, associated with fainting attacks and convulsions. God provided my parents with the grace to nurture me through those trying and difficult years. Looking back into such experience, I wonder why God kept me alive, and I really thank him. In my 70 years on earth, god enabled me to record many first, including the research on garcinia Kola nuts that culminated in the discovery of an only indigenous formulation, so far, effective in the management of open angle glaucoma.
“And today, I pastor at the Faith Gospel Church, Ojota, Lagos so I can tell everybody that nobody can attain to anything in life, talk less of enjoying longevity of life without a connection to his creator, that brings one to a state of complete contentment,” said Prof Adefule-Ositelu
Prof Adebukola Adefule-Ositelu said to master the art of contentment one needs to master the art of meditating, “Meditating to master the art of discernment is important. Discernment is the art of making daily decisions about what is right for you. For example, you may discern that going for a walk after work might give you more energy and make you feel more content than sitting on the couch with a beer. The trick is, most of us are creatures of habit and making the change to living a life of discernment can be difficult.
“The most effective way to make this change is to try out meditation. Meditation is a wonderful tool that can truly help to reboot your life. Practicing meditation only takes a few minutes out of your day, but in that time you can begin to make decisions about the aspects of your life you wish to cultivate and grow and the aspects you would like to discard.”
She said meditation works by allowing your mind to enter a deeper level of consciousness. “In this state you are able to quiet the ongoing chatter of your mind and start to listen to what your deeper, subconscious self has to say. This deeper part of you is wiser than you might believe! Through practicing meditation you can achieve clarity and focus of your thoughts, allowing you to bring the wisdom of your deeper self to your everyday life. Meditation also produces a surge of beneficial brain chemicals, called endorphins, giving you an instant experience of the power of contentment in your life. It is endorphins that are responsible for the so-called ‘runners’ high’ but you can experience the benefit of these feel-good chemicals without having to put on a pair of running shoes.”
Prof Adebukola Adefule-Ositelu said one should also learn to be gentle with oneself, “Sometimes the feeling of urgency about wanting to be happy can work against you – actually keeping you from achieving contentment. Learning to be gentle with yourself means accepting that you are subject to human errors and weaknesses and learning to forgive yourself when you do not achieve your goals. Many of us are more forgiving and accepting of others than ourselves. Practicing self-acceptance and forgiveness can help you achieve contentment and peace within yourself. You may like to add some time affirming your acceptance of yourself into your meditation practice or write some positive affirmations somewhere that you will regularly see them. Reading or listening to positive words has a strong effect on your subconscious mind – with time these affirmations will become truth in your life.”
Also, Prof Adefule-Ositelu said part of the secret of her 70 years is finding the joy of now, “Throughout the centuries, those wise scholars who spoke about happiness have all come back to one central principle – in order to be content, you need to discover the joy of being in the moment. Your life can so easily pass you by if you continually put conditions on your own happiness. Do you start sentences to yourself with- ‘I will be happy when…?’ The truth is when you have that new job, that partner, more money or a different house, your life may be different, but you will not necessarily be happier or more content. Contentment is a state of mind, a choice about how you react to your life right now. Achieving contentment in your life is possible and achievable right now. As you discover the joy in each moment and master the art of discernment, you will unlock the power of contentment in your life for good,” she said.
“The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams,”
The allure of Lagos is real-awesome in its power; seductively magnetic. Lagos is a place where it is safe to dream, if you are determined to make it real.
Lagos has variously been described, as: “Land of Promise”, “Promised Land”, “Home for All”, “Land of Commerce”, “Land of Performance”, “Land of Aquatic Splendour and Tourism” and “Centre of Learning”.
Some call it land of peace, of hope, of opportunity, of business, of legacies and of freedom among others. Mere 0.4% of Nigeria’s territorial land mass, Lagos harbours more than 21 million, or 18 per cent of Nigerians of different ethnic and religious groups; it has over 62 per cent of industrial and commercial interest. Lagos’s Internally Generated Revenue of 287 billion in December last year,-about 76 per cent of its total revenue- was more than that of 20 states of the nation’s 36 states.
The promise of Lagos is alive and well! With over 54 per cent of the country’s manufacturing employment, Lagos is the 2nd largest economy in Nigeria, 3rd in Sub-Saharan Africa and about seven or eight in Africa. It is the 7th fastest growing economy in the World, and even when it is already growing in leaps and bound, Lagos will surely experience a real exponential growth.
With the recent discovery of crude oil in the state, it is poised for special federal revenue allocation that other oil-producing states enjoy; what will be the largest refinery in Africa, or probably in the World, is projected for completion soon, Lekki Free Trade Zone, massive infrastructural rehabilitation and construction and integrated mass transportation system is going on at frenetic pace.
With dynamic, dedicated and visionary leadership, Lagos continues to promote and project best practices and reforms to ease administration, business and financial operations. The fact that IGR has increased so dramatically to N436 billion this year, is a pointer to the fact that a sound, sustainable revenue mobilisation measures have taken root.
On viability of Lagos State, the Governor Akinwunmi Ambode said: “…is a land of opportunities, offering all residents the chance to succeed in their vocations and endeavours….a place where you have a chance to make it if you work hard…Lagos provides the cohesion that keeps Nigeria together.”
In fact, there is a popular maxim among Lagosians that “if you come to Lagos and you are not smart (not able to make headway), you cannot do that anywhere else on the planet, even in America!” Perhaps, the key word is “hard work” and, of course prayer.
Thus, the dream of most Nigerians is to experience Lagos first, even if they have to travel abroad in quest of more fortune. In fact, virtually all Nigerians who have made it to the top in all areas of life have done so, directly or indirectly, with Lagos connections.
Lagos as a land of hope and of opportunity, or where in Nigeria could one be hawking bread on the street, in one moment, a nondescript and the next, a celebrity!
“Lagos a Home for All”, means Nigeria will not break because Lagos is the adhesive holding Nigerians together.
Certain significant occurrences attest to this assertion. Have we ever pondered why all civilian governors since the First Republic, Lateef Jakande, Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu, Raji Fashola and Akinwunmi Ambode- except the short three months period of Michael Otedola in 1983- have always been progressive, visionary, role models, achievers by far margin among their peers?
This is acclaimed even by their adversaries. Have you examined why virtually all these governors went on to assume greater national responsibilities and influence after their respective tenure?
Have we explored the reasons why Lagos was never conquered by ruling political party in 1983 and 2003? Recall, the malevolent “landslide” (or was it Moonslide) election of National Party of Nigeria (NPN) at the end of the Second Republic.
Governor Lateef Jakande of Lagos, and Governor Olabisi Onabanjo of Ogun States survived, “annexation” of the Unity Party states unscratched (of course Chief Obafemi Awolowo was from Ogun State); while Pa Michael Adekunle Ajasin of Ondo State had to bitterly fight it to the Supreme Court, to reclaim his mandate from Akin Omoboriowo, of the ruling party, after much bloodletting that culminated into December 1983 coup of General Muhammadu Buhari and Col. Tunde Idiagbon.
Fast-track to 2003, when the evil tsunami of 2003 election, swallowed all the progressive states, but was unable to consume Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu’s Lagos, which remained the bulwark and rallying point for the progressives till date.
True, Jakande put Lagos in the sun, but it was Asiwaju Tinubu that really repaired and strengthened the foundation, deeply eroded since 1983. Governor Fashola constructed solid structure on it, while Governor Ambode propelled construction to astronomical height- IGR was N300 million in 1999; it is N436 billion now.
When Southern and Northern Protectorates were amalgamated as Nigeria in 1914, Lagos was chosen over Calabar as federal capital. Was it by prayer, pre-destination, pure chance or divine intervention? Lagos is a centre of unity and freedom; maybe the reason that state remains the only one with its boundary intact since 1967.
Have we pondered why Lagos State has the full mix of variables that cause sustainable development, successions of visionary democratic leaders who continue to transmit models for good governance, proactive civil service, dynamic and egalitarian population, appropriate climatic and environmental condition and peace and harmonious co-existence of diverse groups and interests.
Some would say faith, some would say destiny. But virtually all would agree that prayer and perseverance for excellence by Lagosians-leaders and the led-is key for Lagos State’s successes. The reason for the establishment of Home Affairs Ministry is primarily to take care of the spiritual yearnings of Lagosians, reinforce our faith in the destiny of Lagos, promote this state of concord, care and love, inspire us to work harder without fear and secure our sustainable growth.
CUSTOMARILY, love is thought to be two hearts beating as one. What then defined the enigma of Abubakar Bello Masaba was an uncanny skill to stir and replicate such heartbeat in multiple dozens of liaison, sustaining the magic till he drew his last breath last Saturday at a time the society had otherwise come under what could be termed an epidemic of divorce.
As the remains of the nonagenarian were finally lowered into mother earth hours later in his native Bida after a clearly remarkable career in uncommon polygamy, what has unwittingly been unveiled is a record unparalleled in Nigeria’s recorded history, the surpassing of which would be Herculean indeed for future challengers.
His brood consists of no fewer than 187 children. His fabled harem of over 100 wives is located in a nondescript, colonial-style two-storied building in Bida. Literally, he owned the lock, stock and barrel. In one of his rare interviews, he revealed his recruitment strategy on BBC in 2008:
“I don’t go looking for them, they come to me… I’ll consider the fact that God has asked me to do it and I’ll just marry them.” Doubtless, countless lotharios exist within Nigerian borders whose clandestine exploits over the years, when aggregated, would make Masaba’s look like a child’s play.
But not many had his honesty to openly declare their interests, nor the courage to assemble their conquests into a single community with an identifiable address. The closest anyone had come would be in faraway Saudi Arabia.
A wealthy business tycoon, Saleh Al-Sayeri, is reputed to have formed the habit of keeping dozens of wives, even though he hardly remembers the names of most of them. But officially, he acknowledges four, to obey Islamic injunction which imposes a ceiling of 4.
Even at that, Al-Sayeri still relies on an ingenious mathematical formula of elimination by substitution. In the past two decades, he says he has kept three as constant but shuffles the fourth candidate yearly. His cheeky explanation: “It’s the one for renewal… I like to change my fourth wife every year.
” But, not Masaba. For as long as anyone could remember, the maverick Islamic teacher and traditional healer had cultivated and nurtured a mammoth harem. At the last count, the population was put at at least 100.
His legend grew not so much from his stamina to sustain a seemingly boundless matrimony, but obviously more from the equanimity and fortitude he showed in the face of tribulation and persecution suffered for his marital preference.
A vivid example was the run-in he had with the Niger Sharia Council in 2008, eventuating in his imprisonment for the sake of love. At different times, influential institutions like Jama’atu Nasiru-Islam (JNI), the Bida Emirate Council and Islamic leaders had enjoined him to either dissolve his harem then put at 86 or winnow the number to 4.
Masaba bluntly refused. He opted to go to jail instead. Typically, assorted apocryphal tales were soon spread by enemies to discredit him. One said he usually charmed vulnerable women seeking healing with juju before putting them in family way.
So, it would then seem his teaching and healing were not just touching hearts; they touched lips as well. But in a rare show of conjugal solidarity in shared adversity, 57 of such women later staged a parade and solemnly declared that they married him on free will and could not be happier in their marriage.
They attested he was not just a good husband, but also a fantastic father. With that, the authorities no longer had a strong excuse to keep in him in custody. On return from jail, Masaba never failed to continue exhibiting his accustomed grace under choking pressure from the immediate community, defiantly announcing instead a resolution to keep expanding his harem, only warning traducers who persisted were courting God’s wrath. His words:
“I’ll keep marrying them as long as I’m alive. Whoever is fighting me because of my wives or love life, such an individual has missed it. Left for me, I would have married maybe two wives, but I’ll keep marrying till the end of time. I just want to advise those fighting against the number of wives to stop because such people are waging war against God, their creator.
” Ordinarily, a household of hundred wives and over hundred children of voting age should constitute a formidable bloc – or what more Americans are learning to rever as “electoral college” – to, at least, swing electoral victory in the locality, if not bargain for political concessions at higher level.
But despite his ordeal at the hands of both secular and spiritual authorities at some point, Masaba was never known to have openly flirted with any political party out of vendetta or in search of protection. Since the trustees of the faith he professed seemed unwilling to reconcile with him till the end, it may entirely not be too outlandish therefore to view Masaba’s marital doctrine more as a cultural statement in the African milieu.
His preference would easily have lent itself to two disparate interpretations: either positively as an expression of the values of sharing and accommodation indigenous to Africa or negatively as the vulgar way a man could display his material abundance. In traditional society, a man’s affluence used to be measured by the size of his harem.
At 93, the super polygamist of Bida could not be said to have died prematurely in a country where life expectancy is a miserable 47. Regardless, the pain his passing brings is the nuggets of lessons not shared, both macro and micro, corporate and individual. Despite his extra-ordinary accomplishments and the long years he lived, he was not known to have gathered or documented his experiences to benefit researchers or the posterity for that matter.
For instance, we would never know the management principles Masaba adopted to run his extra-large household. It surely required wizardry in financial matters to sustain such multitude under a roof. Each time economic recession beckoned over the years, what fiscal policy did he resort to to ensure no wife stayed hungry or kids’ school fees unpaid?
Had he written a book, such would definitely have been strongly recommended to political leaders of contemporary Nigeria to borrow one or two leaves not only in the husbandry of material resources, but also in the management of human diversities. Masaba selected his women from many ethnic nationalities. He might have had a few runs-in with authorities; but we never heard police regularly visited his home to settle quarrels or fights. With that, he and his clan undoubtedly provided a model in peaceful co-existence.
Today’s leaders who revel in fanning the embers of division – whether sectarian or political – would also need to learn from him the virtues of tolerance and inclusiveness. On the other hand, even if only out of curiosity, I imagine young men of nowadays would have sought Masaba’s clarification or guidance at a time when not only the marriage institution is increasingly undermined by upsurge in divorce, men’s virility is also being redefined by an explosion of indulgence in performance-enhancing substance hawked at the street-corner.
In a veiled reference to virility, he told another interviewer: “A man with 10 wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah… That is why I have been able to control 86 of them.” With such breath-taking outlay, some might want to further ascertain, even if only for academic purposes, whether the great Masaba still had any appetite left to look outside.
If Masaba then relied solely on God’s power to service his harem, many would have wanted to find out whether he kept a roster. If there was, was it cast in stone or subject to revision periodically? In the first place, was it imposed by fiat or benefitted from vigorous debate by every member of the harem before being ratified in the fine tradition of democracy?
And most symbolic of all, the old soldier of intimacy chose to take a bow on the eve of February, the acclaimed season of love, whether Agape or carnal.
DEAR Reader, A lot of times, people dream about a perfect home where joy, peace, abundance and fruitfulness abound. Such dreams are good, if you determine to do what is required to realize it. Just as physically you cannot own a home by mere wishing. If you plan on having a glorious family, stop wishing and prepare to play your part. You must accept responsibility for the building of your family. God’s Word says: Every house is built by some man… (Hebrews 3:4). This week, I will be teaching on Commitment.
Husband, wife, are you committed to your marriage, home and relationship? Many people have entered into marriage thinking they might as well give it a trial. After the first attraction dies and the work of making a happy marriage begins, they begin to wonder if they have not married the wrong person.
Three fold-cord of commitment
Commitment to God
When you commit yourself to Christ, Christ commits Himself to you. 2 Timothy 1:12 says: For the which cause I also suffer these things: nevertheless I am not ashamed: for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I have committed unto him against that day.
A husband and wife, who are committed to the Lord Jesus Christ and to doing the will of God, are walking in the light (1 John 1:7). This brings great stability into marriage and family life.
Since it is God who instituted the family, it is only reasonable that He occupies a central part in your marriage and family life. God must be in the life of both parties. Marriage is an institution designed by God. So, it cannot be successful when God is ignored. After accepting Jesus Christ as your Saviuor, you have the love of God shed abroad in your heart and you can truly love others (Romans 5:5).
Commitment To Your Spouse
The second strand in the three-fold cord of commitment is permanent commitment to your spouse. Men and women, our nation and churches desperately need strong families. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. When I speak of commitment, I am not referring to some form of passive past commitment that was based on hormones and emotions. Rather, I am referring to the daily exercise of love (1 Corinthians 13). I am referring to the husband taking the time to get to know his wife and communicating with her (1 Peter 3:7-10). I am talking about building the kind of a relationship together, so that you enjoy being together and after years of marriage, you are still ravished with her love.
A blissful marriage requires commitment to your spouse. When you neglect this, no amount of prayer and fasting and ‘sleeping’ in church can prevent your home from falling apart.
Commitment To Your Children
The final strand in the three-fold cord is a commitment to your children. As parents, you must be committed in training and providing for your children.
In conclusion, Commitment to God begins with Salvation. This comes by surrendering your life to Christ. You surrender by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. If you are ready to be born again, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.” If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).
Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.
For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores:
Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).
DEAR Reader, This week, I will be giving you another secret that will open the door to your marital bliss – Being Knowledgeable of Your Spouse.
When you know your spouse and your spouse knows you, less friction is bound to occur. With a good knowledge of your spouse, you will be able to relate with him or her. Bible says: …Ye husbands, dwell with them (your wife) according to knowledge giving honour unto the wife… (1 Peter 3:7). Husbands, you need to know your wife. Know her not just physically, but know her likes, dislikes, background, way of thinking, why she behaves the way she does, etc.
You may think you’ve known your spouse well enough during courtship, but I tell you, there are a lot of undiscovered things you need to know and understand about each other. A month, a year, etc, is not enough.
That’s why marriage is a lifetime experience. You never know everything at once; you get to know more each passing day. You can get to know each other better, by communicating and asking questions like, “Why did you do that?”, “How do you feel about this?” You can do these in a calm and respectful manner. You can do things together, spend time together and study each other closely.
The keys to knowing each other better are sincerity, being truthful, being unashamed, not being afraid of betrayal knowing that God is present to help both of you. Some husbands are afraid to tell their wives the truth, while some wives will not let their husbands tell the truth by the way they shout and abuse their husbands. Learn to be patient and build trust in each other. The Bible says: Now although the man and his wife were both naked, neither of them was embarrassed or ashamed (Genesis 2:25TLB). The “nakedness” spoken of here is not only physical but also emotional (your feelings), and spiritual (your goals and desires). Husband and wife bare their minds to each other; they don’t hide the truth from one other. I must tell you that it makes for better understanding and peaceful relationship.
Lack of knowledge of what your spouse needs, and what is going on in his or her mind or life is what causes quarrels most times. God’s Word says: And wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of thy times… (Isaiah 33:6). Wives, too, need to know their husbands, so they can help them. It says wisdom and knowledge enable you to enjoy stability.
Not knowing your spouse well causes insecurity. If your spouse has been upset, find out why and find a way of helping him or her. If he or she is happy, find out why and rejoice with him or her. This enables you to have a stable home. Then the man is no longer eager to look outside the home for relaxation and comfort; rather, he is always reluctant to leave home because there is comfort at home.
To be knowledgeable about your spouse, you must first of all know God. God’s Word says: And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free (John 8:32). To know the truth, you must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour. This is done by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Lord and Saviour. If you are set for it, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and Satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”
If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).
Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.
For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).
DEAR Reader, last week, one of the secrets to marital bliss, which is wisdom, was unlocked to us. This week, we will yet be looking at another secret, Effective Communication.
There are many families on this earth that are not alive, but dead. They are just existing by name. When it comes to how each member relates to the other, there is no life, no communication. You won’t believe that such people are from the same family by the way they treat each other.
Being a family by name alone means bearing the family name e.g. Ademola’s family, Olushola’s family etc. When it comes to common characteristics e.g. love, discussions, doing things together, etc., they are poles apart. This ought not to be so, but the life line (communication) is not functioning properly, and in some cases it has been cut off. To prevent your family from merely existing, instead of thriving (growing strong, healthy, prospering etc), don’t just talk to each other at home; rather, you must learn to communicate effectively.
The difference between talking and communication is: talking is one way and may not necessarily be sincere (truth and sincerity are probably absent), but communication and the right kind is two-way – both parties are airing their views and truth, and sincerity are involved. To communicate means to share or exchange information. You may ask, “This is what I think; how about you? What do you think?” It also means to consider the other person’s view; or to be connected.
It is coined from the word communion, which means “sharing in common.” A wise man once said, “If you talk together, you will stay together” and the opposite is true too. Any conversation which is one-way falls short of God’s ideal in the family.
For instance, if as a couple, you as the wife are always talking and never allowing your husband to speak or properly express himself, you will find out that most times he will end up doing things that surprise you. You may feel, “He never discussed it with me”. Probably, you didn’t give him the time to discuss with you; rather, you controlled the conversation most times. My husband once said, “Poor communication is the major cause for brutality”. Since they can’t communicate effectively, such couples resort to physical combat and violence, in order to express their deep feelings.
Most times, you find out that your children are not opening up to you all of a sudden, and you are panicking because they are becoming strangers to you. Maybe you haven’t created time to spend with them and discuss or you have been the only one talking in your discussions with them and not encouraging them to share their minds and feelings with you, or you scold them too often. Try and think of when the breakdown in communication started.
Effective communication begins with having a good relationship with Jesus Christ. This is done by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. If you are ready for this new birth experience, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”
If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).
Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.
For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).
DEAR Reader, God designed your marriage to be sweet and exciting. If yours has lost its excitement, God can impart His joy and goodness into it. As you read this article and apply the principles therein, my greatest heart’s desire for you today is that your home will come alive and be full of joy, laughter and excitement in Jesus’ name!
This week, I will be sharing with you on Wisdom as one of the secrets to marital bliss. To enjoy marital bliss, wisdom is required. God’s Word says: Through WISDOM is an house builded; and by understanding it is established (Proverbs 24:3).
I have noticed in the course of counselling people that most of the problems encountered in homes result from lack of wisdom, and wisdom is what makes a home sweet. With wisdom, you know what to do and at the appropriate time. As a husband, if you walk in wisdom, you will know how to relate with your wife and train up your children, not beating them up and posing to be a terror to your household. Wives who are full of wisdom relate easily with their in-laws and other members of their families.
From the anchor text, you need to search for wisdom to operate your home. Therefore, open up and receive the wisdom you require to handle those situations correctly so that peace and joy will fill your home.
The opposite of wisdom is foolishness. It is a problem rooted in the realm of the spirit. It is what causes a woman to react negatively, speak abusive words and misbehave (Proverbs 9:13). It is what causes a man to chase after other women to the destruction of his soul (Proverbs 7:7-23). Foolishness is a destroyer of the peace and sweetness in the home. If you learn to walk in wisdom, you will enjoy fulfilment in your family life. God’s Word says: Wisdom is the principal thing (Proverbs 4:7).
The type of wisdom I am referring to here is not that which comes from education. So, don’t regret your level of education saying, “If I had gone to an institution of higher learning, I would be wiser than I am now”. The wisdom you require to shine in the family is from God. It is knowing what to do when confronted with an unpleasant situation and is based on your knowledge and application of the Word of God in your life. God’s Word says: Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock (Matthew 7:24).
Who then is a wise man? He is one who hears and does the sayings of Jesus. These sayings are located in the Bible. As you hear the Word of God and apply, and practise it in your life, you are walking in wisdom.
Do you desire the wisdom of God in your life and home? Why not surrender your life to Christ today so that a measure of God’s wisdom will be imparted upon you? If you are set for this new birth experience, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.” If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).
Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.
For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).
Dr. Christine Olufunke Adebajo is the Governor of District 404 B-2 of the Lions Club in Nigeria. She is also a public health consultant to the World Health Organisation and some other international bodies. In this interview with PAUL UKPABIO, she reveals how her job as a nurse earned her a husband and also speaks about other interesting parts of her life.
WHAT lessons would you say your background taught you?
My background had a great influence on the person that I am today in the sense that I was brought up by strict parents who believe that nothing pays like hard work. Their main focus was education. They made us to believe that no matter what property your parents bequeath to you, you cannot make good use of it if you do not have good education. With that at the back of my mind, I wanted to achieve something on my own. I wanted to get the best of education that I could get, believing that it will empower me to achieve my objectives in life.
So, what did you study?
After my secondary school education, I went to the School of Nursing. That wasn’t really the career that I wanted to go into, but at the end of the day, I thank God that I did that, because it formed the basis for my future development. It exposed me to humanitarian services. There and then, I made up my mind that I would not get out of that circle of education, profession and employment.
I then travelled out of the country to England to study Hospital Administration for my first degree. I worked for some time at different hospitals in London and later proceeded to do a master’s degree in Health Facility and Planning. That was the study of how health facilities are utilised for specific purposes. For example, we were taught how to design a hospital to know where to locate people with infectious diseases; to know where to locate the maternity wards and the theatre to avoid the spread of infectious diseases and have free flow of people, for instance, in a situation of fire incident. That is the planning aspect.
In the services aspect, we were taught the kind of services required for specific groups of people in specific environments and also for specific people in a particular geographical location. So, that gave me a wider knowledge about health.
When you came back, where did you work?
I came back briefly to Nigeria and decided to work in the health sector. After a while, I went to America to do a Ph.D in Public Health, an interesting area of Medicine. It gives you an idea of the kind of diseases that can be prevented. We had to do a lot of statistics, finding out, for instance, the number of the population with particular kinds of diseases and so on, and how such diseases could be prevented.
From then on, I was able to start getting employments in international organisations. I started to work as a consultant to quite a number of health organisations, including the World Health Organisation and United Nations. I did quite a number of works for Ford Foundation, and that expanded my horizon.
On returning to Nigeria, how were you able to integrate back into the system?
I didn’t have any problem integrating back into the system because I believe that home is home no matter what comfort you may think that you enjoy outside your country. Out there, you cannot get to the level you want to get to except you are just lucky. There was a time we were going abroad and a colleague of mine who is a medical doctor and who also works in the area of international relations told me that I should not complain about the situation in Nigeria. She actually cautioned me by asking if I would have got to the level that I had got to if I had stayed back in England. I considered it and realised that what she was saying was absolutely the truth. So I really wanted to return to Nigeria and settle down. I didn’t have any issues or second thought about it because I just believed that this is my country. That was why I quickly adapted and made use of my best ability to achieve my set goals.
Do you still travel a lot?
I still travel a lot. But by the time I spend a few days abroad, I usually want to return to Nigeria. That is because I do not believe that there is any place like Nigeria. My children live abroad; at least majority of them. I actually have only one living here in Nigeria. I think that the reason those other ones prefer to stay abroad is that they were born there. They never experienced this aspect of life.
This is a beautiful country that we have here in Nigeria. Forget about the issues that we have. Yes, we have issues and the major issue that we have is leadership. If we can get that right, I can assure you that no Nigerian will want to stay abroad or rather only a few Nigerians will want to stay abroad.
At what point did you decide to join the Lions Club?
I started ‘Lionism’ in 1989. My husband, who is a surgeon, was already a Lion before me. He introduced me to Lions Club. I attended a few functions of the club and realised that I needed to get involved myself. Funny though, I later took more interest in the club than he did (laughs).
With your husband in the same club, what was it like?
At the time I joined, I was just an ordinary member. At that time also, women were not allowed to be Lions; they were only allowed to be Lionesses. That connoted that the male Lions Club had to form the Lioness Club as a project. But later, the women in the USA went to court to challenge the fact that women should be able to join. The major issue and difference at that time was the issue of finance. The male Lions Club was paying more dues than the Lioness Club. But the women believed and insisted that with more and more women getting more financially empowered, they could meet up with the financial obligations. So from then on, women became Lions.
At that time also, I was the President of The Lioness Club. I then moved from Maryland Lioness Club where I started Ikeja Golden Lions Club. They also transmitted from Lioness Club to Lions Club. I was there for about 12 years as club member, observing and participating in various activities of the club before I could become president again. After that, I served at various district committees as chairperson. I rose from there to become a regional chair, later became a zonal chair. However, one is supposed to have become a zonal chair before becoming a regional chair. But the District Governor then felt that I was too much for a zonal chair. He made me a regional chair.
But there is a clause there: if you really want to be a district governor, you must have served as a zonal chair at some point in time. So at some point, I went back to become a zonal chair. I really didn’t mind that at all. I continued serving. All through that period also, one was expected to go through a lot of educational preparations, like participating in leadership management courses, art of speaking courses and programmes, to develop one as an individual. I availed myself of all those opportunities too.
You mean you had to go through all that to become a district governor?
Yes, I had to. And I love reading; that is my hobby. I love studying (laughs). And I like challenges. After that, I put in for the position of 2nd Vice District Governor. I campaigned all around various clubs and won eventually. With time, I moved from 2nd to 1st Vice District Governor and finally by the grace of God, I became a District Governor.
What is it like to be the District Governor of Lions Club?
It is a lot of responsibility. If you follow my career build up, you will realise that I was well prepared for it. If one is not prepared and you find yourself there, you will definitely have issues. It is a position that demands serious exercise. You have to supervise so many clubs at various states of the federation. I even believe that the responsibility is more than being a governor of a state. That is because you are a governor of several Lions clubs in different states and you have to know them in and out. You have to know the clubs by name, you have to know the members by name, and you have to visit them.
And you know that before becoming a district governor, you would have gone all around to campaign anyway. So you would have known the clubs and visited them before you can be elected. So, one needs to have considered that and made up one’s mind before taking on such responsibility as becoming a District Governor of Lions Club.
Do you enjoy it?
Yes, I do. I enjoy what I do. It is serious, it is tedious, but I certainly enjoy what I do.
How do you combine it with your regular work?
To be frank with you, a Lions Club District Governor ought to get a sabbatical. There is no way of combining it. That is because it is a full-time job. It is a job of 24 hours in a day. If you get a chance to lie down to sleep, you will still be thinking of how you will get your members, how you will encourage them to pay their dues, how you are going to execute all the programmes that have been earmarked to be achieved. The one year tenure is loaded with things that one actually needs five years to achieve, but you have to achieve it for the club in a year.
So what did you do?
I took a sabbatical. And to be frank with you, I have actually taken half sabbatical in the last two years. But this year, I have taken full sabbatical. I am lucky in the sense that I am self-employed. I delegated some of the things that I normally do, but at the same time, there are certain things they cannot do for me. They cannot do my consultancy work for me because you are appointed as a consultant based on your personal capability. So, for those kinds of activities, the work will have to wait (laughs). They cannot be combined with the work I have to do in the Lions Club.
Did you meet your husband in the US?
No, we met in Nigeria. We met as far back as when I was doing my nursing programme in Nigeria. We have been married for 41 years.
How was it like when you met?
He was a young doctor who came to serve in the hospital where I was training as a House Officer, and I was in my final year. The rest is history.
But you both lived abroad…
We travelled out later because he also went for his specialist course.
How has your marriage been over the years?
God has been kind. There is no marriage that doesn’t have its challenges. If anyone says that his or her marriage has been rosy all through, then the person would be a liar. As for me, like I made up my mind on a career, I also made up my mind on marriage and what I wanted for my children. I didn’t want my children to have a broken home. For single parents, you can have the financial power, but you definitely cannot be father and mother. We waded through the storm and we thank God.
If you were to advise young mothers and singles, what would you say?
I will tell them to really plan for whatever that they want to do. Don’t jump into marriage. Don’t jump even into a career because you see some other persons doing it successfully and you then think that you should be able to do it. You should have your personal goal in life. You have to humble yourself too. For a career woman, if you are too conscious of your achievement, you probably will never be able to make a home. That is because many people have their ego. So even when you are doing pretty well, you have to pretend as if nothing is happening. You can even be making big success but still pretend as if nothing is happening. Don’t throw the success to his face.
Before you know it, you will be getting his support and moving on. As a woman, if you want to stay in marriage, then stay there. If you want to be a career woman without staying in marriage, that is your choice; everyone has a right to a choice. And for those who have not been able to make a success of marriage, that is not the end of the world. Nothing should draw you back from realising what you want to be.
How were you able to earn your husband’s respect to the extent that he gave you the independence to pursue your career?
It is not total independence, but you have to be able to build such trust between one another. And like I said, I didn’t let my achievement get over me. Communication is key. Don’t concentrate on things and issues that frighten and discourage. For instance, a woman should not come home with all her frustrations from work and pour them on her husband. Sometimes I get so frustrated at work but when I get home, I put up a brave face as if everything is okay. That is because if you keep pouring your daily frustrations from workplace on him, one day, he will say you should not go there again.
What memories do you have of your growing up years?
Oh, I have interesting memories. I used to think then that my parents were too harsh. There was actually one day that I called my mum and asked her if she was really sure that she was my mother. But at the end of the day, I realised that my parents’ strictness was for my own good. We were brought up in a religious home. That has affected my disposition to life because I have found that without a relationship with God, an individual is nothing. Also, if you do not know God in a personal way, you cannot go far. God never fails.
How were you able to keep the men at bay?
I have a strong disposition which I put out, though it is a facade. It makes people to find it difficult to get to me in that regard. That is my weapon. It has worked for me. Even if other men had the intention, they are forced to conclude that I am a proud person, though that is not true. I am a soft person; a real woman. But I do not flaunt it.
What fashion items attract you the most?
I wear the right stuff. I wear English clothes, suits, slacks and jeans. If I want to look mature, I wear native dresses. I like to combine colours. I wear colours that rhyme from head to toe. I see dressing out as a priority, starting from my nail to the rest parts of my body. I am very selfish about my individuality, and the reason is that it is not everybody that you meet in a day that you will meet again. But the impression they get of you on that particular day is the memory they will carry with them. It gives me joy when I am pleased with my good looks.
What fashion item would you not do without?
I don’t do without moderate make-up, I wouldn’t want to do without doing my nails, and I wouldn’t want to do without my glasses not rhyming with what I wear.
Theirs is an exceptional union. In a country where marriages crash like the naira in the foreign exchange market, 88-year-old Chief Matthew Nnaemeke Uba’s marriage with his wife, Veronica, is still waxing strong after 60 years. Like the lovebirds that they are, Uba and his wife never hesitate to openly display their affection at every given opportunity, leaving younger couples green with envy. It was, therefore, not surprising that they recently rolled out the drums in celebration of the 60th anniversary of their wedding. On hand to celebrate with them were their numerous friends, which include top government functionaries, Nollywood actors and actresses, particularly those from the Onicha-Uku axis in Delta State. Chief (Mrs) Veronica Uba shares with PAUL UKPABIO the secrets of the massive success of their marital union.
Six decades of living together as husband and wife is no mean feat. What has been the secret?
Mrs Uba, 79, with her 88-yr-old husband
No one can take credit for the success of our union for six decades. Not even my husband or myself. It is the grace of God. God has been the cornerstone and builder of this marriage. I cannot thank Him enough for His mercies. However, I must say that no marriage is perfect. Tolerance and endurance have been the basis of our union. My husband has been supportive and understanding.
Looking back, would you say that young people got married earlier then than they do today?
Things were not as difficult then as they are now in the sense that immediately you finished your studies, you got employed and started growing. Today, it is unfortunate that people no longer start up early for numerous reasons. The unemployment rate is too high. Young men and women would pass out of the university and seek jobs for many years. How can someone who is still dependent on his or her parents talk of marriage? It is only when you are financially capable that you can do that.
Another reason is that many young people today are seeking unrealistic choices. They are looking for Mr. and Miss. Perfect. Are you perfect yourself? So, they waste time looking for what is not available. You cannot get a woman or man who is 100 per cent good. Get some appreciable percentage and start building on that.
Did you engage in courtship with your husband like we have it now?
No, there was no such thing as courtship at that time. As you know, the only constant thing in life is change. So, during our time, we did not know what they call courtship. All that happened was that if a male had grown up to the age of getting married, he would inform his family. The young man would begin to search for a suitable girl. Upon finding his choice, the girl would be betrothed to him. Over time, the necessary marriage rites would be performed and she would be escorted home to her husband.
What really attracted you to him?
In our time, the mode of searching for a wife was different. There was no such thing as boyfriend and girlfriend. A man would come to seek your hand in marriage, and if you liked him, you would go on, if not, you also had the right to say no. Although, there was no courtship, you still had a choice. I wanted a man who would take care of me and treat me well. We are like birds of the same feather in the sense that he had earlier mentioned that he had no sister, while I also had no biological brother. So, when we got married, he became an elder brother of some sort. I looked up to him as one and he took me in the same vein.
In those days, wealth wasn’t the primary consideration such that if a man didn’t own a car or wasn’t rich, he was disqualified. It wasn’t so, unlike today. In any case, how many people were educated? However, when he came to seek my hand in marriage, my father was vehemently opposed to it.
Why?
His reason was that teachers were harsh. My father didn’t want any man who would maltreat me. I lost my mother when I was a toddler, so my father protected us and didn’t want us to be maltreated in any form, and he stood his ground that I wasn’t going to marry a teacher because he felt that teachers were harsh.
However, that was a wrong perception. In those days, teachers’ disciplinary stance was legendary, unlike what obtains now. Unfortunately, many people mistook our disciplinary actions and strictness for harshness.
Is he a loving man?
Yes, of course. He loves and cares so much for his family. But he is a no-nonsense man. I would tell you that our being together for these past decades has been by the grace of the Almighty God. Like I said, there is no specific format in marriage. All you need is find your bearing and ride with it.
Another quality that attracted me to him was his intelligence and honesty. He is strict and true to his belief. Many people also misunderstand his uprightness for stubbornness, but time proved a lot of things right. He always stands for what is right and this often brought him at loggerheads with people, and they would end up saying, ‘M. N. Uba is a stubborn man’.
He is truly kind and loving but has zero tolerance for injustice and oppression. That is why I love him and he has remained a role model to many people.
Is he still strict at 88?
Not anymore. As you know, time changes a lot of things. Age has certainly slowed him down. He was like a roaring lion in his heyday, yet kind.
Can you share with us some of the challenges that you went through as a couple?
There were so many changes. Where do I start? There is no marriage that is devoid of challenge, especially when you are faced with the issue of childlessness. Ours was no exception. It was a tough one for us as a young couple. The first hurdle was having to live apart after we got married. We couldn’t live together because he was teaching in a missionary school, which was against the school owner’s policy or he would lose his job. So, I stayed in a different town, while he came only during the weekends.
Another critical time was after I lost my first child and remained childless for another three years. He was losing patience. There was pressure from all sides but I kept faith and continued to pray. I think it was one of the most trying periods of my life. Naturally, in every marriage, a woman gains security when she bears children and it is always a fight if she is not able to. It is not quite common to see families that accommodate such. It is always a battle and for me, it was a tug of war. Opposition came from everywhere and I nearly lost the marriage.
However, after three years, I had a baby girl. And you know that in those days, teachers were not well paid, unlike nowadays. We had to contend with irregular salaries and the burden of raising children under that circumstance. But I had always been busy too, supporting him. Raising a large family is a heavy task and it couldn’t be left for him alone. But we got by and, thank God, we are still together.
How did you survive these hurdles?
It was simply by the grace of the Almighty. My late elder sister was my wonderful confidant. She was so optimistic that the storm would be over. And I also had a few women friends who were older than me whom I confided in. So, whenever I had difficulties, I would go to them and they would advise me on various issues. Their wise counsel was of immense value throughout those turbulent periods. And because they were older and more experienced, they had ready nuggets to give on how best to deal with issues.
Again, my late mother -in-law and her sister were always there for me. They never took sides. They were very objective and always ready to assist us. They would always tell me that without patience and tolerance, no marriage survives. I took to their advice and today, I am very grateful and have lived happily for these decades with him.
Was there any time you thought of leaving him because of some difficulties?
No, I never thought so. Times were difficult, but then, it was not quite common to see women separating from their husbands as it happens now except in extreme cases, which were very few indeed. In our days, our parents would always plead with you to stay and that things would be alright. A woman who runs away from her husband’s house because she couldn’t endure or for whatever reason, was seen as bringing disgrace and shame to her parents.
At that time, any woman who ran away from her husband was considered as having been ill-advised and stupid. In any case, where would you run to? Don’t forget that then, not many women were economically empowered. We were taught to endure and be patient because tough times do not last but tough people do. Again, for me, since I had born children, I never thought of leaving them because it would be sheer stupidity leaving my children in circumstances I felt were unbearable. If I couldn’t take it, how would my children survive it without me? In spite of all the challenges, I knew that my children held the passport to a good future for us.
Why is it that in your tradition, when the wife passes on, her corpse is taken back to her family?
It is an integral part of our tradition. It is mandatory that a woman should be taken back to her kindred when she passes on. And based on this, when she is being given away in marriage on that day, this aspect of our tradition is clearly spelt out to her husband’s family. They would tell you as the husband that on no account would they want to see their daughter coming back except on the last day.
So, what does this mean?
It means a lot. It is our cultural heritage. The connotation of this is that the woman’s family prays that there will be no divorce. It is a fervent prayer that the couple will live long together and that it is only in the event of passage that your wife would be separated from you and be brought back to them because on the last day, her family must ask for their daughter.
Even if her husband had passed on before her?
Yes. It is the duty of the children to return her. We have a saying in my place that succinctly captures it: ‘We gave you the flesh of the woman and not the bones,’ which means that when you are done with her flesh, you endeavour to bring back her bones.
Is this practice still on?
Sure, why not? The law is sacrosanct and people still adhere to it. It is a crucial aspect of the marriage rites, irrespective of your religious or socio-economic status. No matter how wealthy the children may be, the woman must be taken back to her people in the event of death.
What was the advice your father gave you as you set out of the home?
My father’s wise counsel has also helped me a lot. In the first place, he made me to understand that no marriage was easy, so I should be ready to tolerate and bear whatever came my way. He also told me to remember whose daughter I am so that I would avoid getting involved in anything that would bring disgrace to him because he, too, was strict. He was a man of few words, but a great disciplinarian.
What would you say is the panacea for a successful marriage?
The first thing is to hold on to God. He is the builder and sustainer of all unions. Couples must learn to clean off their grievances as soon as possible; otherwise it would snowball into bigger crisis. Most importantly, a woman who craves happiness must learn to close one eye to some of the man’s excesses because men will always be men. We are Africans and as such, our cultural values are different from those of the Western world. You must be tolerant and accommodating. You must confide in people who would give you good advice.
We also get to hear that couples should not involve a third party. What’s your take on that?
Yes, it is alright not to involve a third party, but is it not better if you seek good advice and useful hints from a close confidant than bottling issues up until they eat you up or go beyond redemption?
Divorce rate is high now. What do you think is responsible?
Divorce is an age-long thing but I think the cases have become higher now because women have become more empowered and more educated than before. They have options and can take care of themselves financially these days. In our days, divorce was not fashionable, but now the reverse is the case. Then, the watch word was, ‘we can make it together’. Today, it is a sad tale of ‘I need to take a walk,’ all thanks to financial independence.
Again, married women gravitate towards their age mates, unlike then when younger married women moved closer to older and more experienced ones from whom they tapped knowledge.
Marriage is a different institution. You may be a professor but fail in marriage. So, you need wisdom and constant tips from those who have had experiences.
What is your advice to young couples?
When you are getting married, you should know that there is no such thing as Mr. Right or Miss Perfect. No one is 100 per cent good. But if you are able to get someone who has 75 to 80 per cent of what you want, you can begin to build on that as you grow.
Again, you must take into cognisance that both of you are from different backgrounds and as such, should build a base of friendship. It is always easier to resolve issues when you are friends. Tolerance and endurance are the key elements to successful marriage.
So simply said, what would you say you found in your husband that has kept you with him all these years?
Sixty years after, hmm, I still see love in his eyes. I see beautiful things that have come out of our union, and that has kept me with him.
