The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Solutions

  • CantQ’ offers event management solutions

    CantQ’ offers event management solutions

    EVENTS management in Nigeria have sometimes been marred by indiscretions, leading to incidents such as overpopulated or near empty  halls, but a new solution, CantQ4Tickets offers a central ticketing system,  which initiators say eliminates every deficiency.

    “We don’t just sell tickets but provide solutions. We ticket both paid and free events,” says Mr. Wale Iyaniwura, Chief Executive Officer of CantQ Solutions, who explained that non gate-taking events have benefitted from the initiative, as it helps them to know the number of guests expected at an event, and allows for commensurate seat reservations, meals, drinks etcetera, thereby eliminating wastages and insufficiencies.

    According to Iyaniwura, while the solution thrives on database and security code that ensures that customers retain their slots for events, event promoters, sales agents and organisers are joined in an online disbursement platform that shows progress and monitoring of sales.

    Iyaniwura said cantq4tickets was conceived as a real time solution to critical challenges that face event organisers, particularly in terms of the volume of tickets sold, points of sale, identity of buyers and total sales revenue.

    “Our platform offers patrons the convenience of selling and buying tickets online at any time of day,” he said, adding, “Event organisers can use our platform to sell all tickets or as second online ticket source.”

    He described cantq4tickets as an integrated e-ticketing platform that is suitable for any sort of event including conferences, seminars, workshops, fundraisers, concerts, comedy shows or any social event and for pre-registering people for shows and events.

    Whilst speaking on what distinguishes cantq4tickets from existing solutions, Iyaniwura said: “What sets us apart is unique interactive SMS ticketing platform, and our extensive sales and distribution channels that cater for customers who have limited or no access to the internet. We are able to provide our clients with real time updates across all channels.”

    The platform, www.cantq4tickets.com, according to Iyaniwura, utilises different sales channels like SMS, email and social media to bear the entire ticketing burden of an event, thus allowing organisers to focus on various contents of their programmes.

    Interestingly, cantq4tickets.com, he said, offers stress-free solutions to event planners and customers in the event of the cancellation or rescheduling of an event. “As soon as an event is officially cancelled or rescheduled, we will reach ticket holders via the contact details submitted at the time of ticket purchase and offer the choice of either attending a rescheduled event or getting a refund on the ticket,” he assured.

  • Key challenges of Nigerian Pension Industry and possible solutions (1)

    Nigerian Pensioners have high expectations on the new Government to ensure an effective implementation of pension regulations existing in the country. These expectations arise from the need to have sustainable standard of living in retirement and their benefits paid as at when due.

    The different pension regimes operating in Nigeria, Defined Benefit (DB) and Contributory Pension (CPS) Schemes, give rise to varying set of problems that limit the capacity of key stakeholders within the Nigerian pension industry to meet pensioners’ expectations.

    This paper highlights the key challenges facing the stakeholders in the pension industry and the possible solutions from an actuarial perspective. In broad terms, the challenges arising from different areas of pension management include but not limited to the following: Transitional Pension Management, Guaranteed Minimum Pension, Additional Voluntary Contributions, Pension Protection Fund, Investment Guidelines, Public Education and Enlightenment.

    Transitional Pension Management

    Key Challenges

    The current problems that beleaguered pensioners from Pay-As-You-Go (PAYG) defined benefit (DB) scheme in Nigeria (which have always been to the fore) include, inter alia:

    • Delayed or non-payment of pension entitlements and misappropriation of existing pension funds.
    • Low standard of living (or high poverty incidence) among pensioners due to pension increases not in line with salary inflationor no pension increase at all.
    • Too frequent verification of pensioners by Pension Transitional Arrangements Directorate (PTAD)(section 42 of PRA 2014) leading to pensioners dying during verification exercises.
    • Inadequate Enforcement of Pension Regulation– Over 10 years of existence of CPS, not all State Governments had enacted their pension Laws to establish CPS which is a sign of regulatory weakness. The actuarial valuations of the old DB schemes required by PENCOM at the point of implementation of the new CPS have not been carried out even for those State Governments that have already established their CPS.

    Possible Solutions

    The establishment of PTAD and various penalties for pension funds mismanagement introduced by PRA 2014 would address some of the lingering challenges of pensioners in the public service pension administration in the country.

    However, below are other ways to address the problems described above:

    • Create pensioners’ biometric database that is suitable for future actuarial valuation, demographic and financial projections, which would also eliminate ghost pensioners.
    • Adopt a pragmatic approach to pensioners’ biometric verification process (a system of self-verification by pensioners capable of automatically updating the pensioners’ database) having conducted an initial face-to-face verification in order to minimize the frequency of subsequent face-to-face verification exercise.
    • An automation of pension/gratuity calculation and payment system to ensure that pension increases are implemented on a timely basis relative to increase in workers’ salaries and also allowing pensioners to receive their pensions/gratuities as at when due. The Integrated Personnel and Payroll Information System (IPPIS) for the Federal public service should be emulated at the State and local Government levels,
    • A periodic actuarial valuation of the old DB pension scheme as required by law needs to be carried out in order to ascertain the value of the pensioners’ liabilities at a given date as the scheme runs off. This will enable a realistic annual pension budget estimate to be made for the Government(s) which will reduce the insufficient funds being allocated for pension payment. This would help in the administration of PTAD in minimizing the delays and arrears in pension payment.
    • PTAD should set up a realistic pension stabilization fund (to be invested) with the primary aim to stabilize the pension/gratuity payment system which is always in arrears. This will ensure that money is readily available to pay the arrears of pension liability.

    In summary, the relevance of professional actuaries and information technology experts cannot be ignored in the implementation of the above suggested solutions.

    Guaranteed Minimum Pension (GMP)

    Key Challenges

    The guaranteed minimum pension (GMP), which will be specified from time to time by PENCOM, is a provision for protecting all retirees who have not accumulated enough to have a decent standard of living in retirement (Section 84(1) of PRA 2014). Thus, it is anincome support from the government, which can act as a safety net for pensioners.

    The modalities for implementing GMP are yet to be finalized by PENCOM for more than 10 years of its existence. This may be due to the computational complexities involved in determining the GM that require actuarial techniques which might not have been considered important.

    Possible Solutions

    The assessment of the level of GMP including the cost of guarantee requires stochastic modelling techniques, a task under the control of an actuary whose services PENCOM should obtain on a regular basis.

    Additional Voluntary Contributions (AVC)

    Key Challenges

    There is lack of valuation of an individual member’s DC plan (individual projectionsof likely pension benefit at retirement) by PFAs with a clear objective to measure sustainable retirement income (using metrics such as replacement ratio which represents a sensible estimate of the standard of living in retirement) before allowing an individual to make his/her choice of AVC. The concept of replacement ratio provides an effective connection between the accumulation and de-accumulation phases of a DC plan member’s life cycle.

    With the exception of tax benefit, there is also no incentive for additional savings (AVC) towards retirement, particularly where there is a GMPto be funded by the Government. Thus, there are relatively small RSA balances of some retirees pending the implementation of GMP. This results in a growing sense of disenchantment with the token monthly pension benefit being received by pensioners under the new CPS relative to the huge gains (from investment returns and dividends) the Pension Fund Administrator (PFAs) are currently making.

    The above arises from the expectation that all returns on invested funds belong to contributors (employees) except for the minimal fees/chargesexpected for the pension operators. The lack of frequent review of fees/charging structure (including the stipulated fees by PENCOM representing the maximum amounts) chargeable by operators and possible non-disclosure of hidden charges, interests and commissions accruable to pension assets might also be the cause of above dissatisfaction.

    Possible Solutions

    The fees/charging structure needs to be constantly reviewed by PENCOM in order to eliminate any hidden charges in order to increase the RSA balances.

    There is also a need for sensitization of potential benefits to workers in making AVC having considered the expected living standard in retirement.

    • Dr. Pius Apere (PhD / FCII) is Deputy Managing Director

    Linkage Assurance Company PLC

  • Firm introduces new solutions

    Firm introduces new solutions

    A Lagos communication firm Communication Supports Limited, has introduced MER Solutions to boost business growth.

    According to the firm’s Managing Director, Mr Mike Efunkoya, the new solutions are functional programmes and tools for fulfilling some of the nation’s developmental aspirations and enhancing the reputation, performance and growth of corporate organisations.

    The government, business organisations and individuals now have an alternative means of meeting desired outcomes when the new solutions are used to support business strategies, activities, systems, processes, capacities, interventions and deliverables, he said.

    MER solutions are available in three business sectors­­-information and e-solutions, media and experimental content and development tools. They may be acquired, partnered or sponsored.

     

     

  • Recare embarks on care solutions for women hair

    Personal style brand, Natures Gentle Touch, manufactured by Recare Limited has reassured women of its promise to deliver hair care solutions that will keep their hair healthy and beautiful.

    Speaking during a media roundtable at the Natures Gentle Touch Hair Institute, its Production Manager, Mr. Daniel Appiah, said the company’s product lines are made with natural based ingredients required to give a healthy and beautiful hair.

    He noted that every product under the brand was created bearing in mind the Nigerian climate as well as other factors that could affect the  woman’s hair.

    “Our objective is to ensure that every woman achieves her beauty goals. Having a hair that is one hundred percent healthy, beautiful and natural is a major part of these goals. We have several products that currently seek to solve various hair challenges which include dry and itchy scalp, dandruff and hair breakage. Our products are tested and trusted by many Nigerian women,” said Appiah.

    He added that the company will continue to introduce more products that will help every woman maintain her natural hair and help repair damaged hair.

    Also, Field Education Manager, Recare Limited, Mr. Daniel Komlan , who spoke on ‘Nigerian hair and challenges’, noted that a major reason most women have damaged hair is because they don’t know how to take care for their hair and that many  stylists also do not have the skills required to take care of the hair.

  • Stakeholders’ solutions for educational woes

    An educationist and career counsellor, Dr. Depo Fakunle, has said no country can develop sound education without serious commitment by stakeholders.

    Fakunle spoke in Ibadan, the Oyo State capital, as the Chairman of this year’s prize-giving ceremony of the annual Olagoke Education Competition, to mark the 58th birthday ceremony of Prof Sabit Ariyo Olagoke, the Founder and Spiritual Head of Shafaudeen Islam Worldwide.

    Fakunle, who lamented that the attitude of governments to education is            below expectation, praised Olagoke for his investment in education and the annual contest, which he said, has discovered talents.

    In a paper titled: “Functional education: A fundamental need for sustainable development, the celebrator who is also the Dean, School of Engineering, Federal Polytechnic Ilaro in Ogun State, called for the adoption of approach made by former Governor Peter Obi of Anambra State, which catapulted the state from the lowest rung of the ladder to the top in West African Examination Council (WAEC) performances. Olagoke stressed that Obi’s initiatives should be a model for other states to adopt as guide and build upon since it is effective and result-oriented.

    “Peter Obi’s administration is reputed for returning schools to their owners as well as massive infrastructural development including introducing Information Communication Technology (ICT) in public schools in the state.

    “Obi, therefore, started with returning of schools to the missionaries. He renovated all schools, paid teachers’ salaries despite the fact that he allowed missionaries to recruit them. He went into massive ICT revolution in schools by deploying computers to virtually all secondary schools,” Olagoke said.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought of the week

    “After a foolish deed comes remorse”! Feeling sorry always follow a foolish act.

    Question:

    Dear Princess, my name is Linda, I am supposed to be getting married in two weeks but right now I am not even sure the wedding is even going to hold. I made a major mistake which is really threatening to ruin my happiness and my life as a whole, right now I am even contemplating suicide because I feel that might just be the only way out of all this mess and shame which I have brought upon myself. Princess I just need to share my story with you and to other young women out there for them to learn from my mistakes. I am 26 years old, i have a good job as a customer care representative in a major telecoms company in the country. I met my fiancee whom I’m supposed to get married to in two weeks. Two years ago when he came to our office to lay a complaint as regards his mobile line which was mistakenly blocked by our network, that day he was really angry with the staff he met on duty, I was able to calm him down, explained that we were sorry that it was a computer mix up and sorted the issue for him in less than 20minutes, he murmured some thanks asking for my card and took his leave, I totally forgot about him and the incident because in the course of my work I tend to meet a lot of customers on a daily basis treating different issues for them as regards our different services, so for, me he was just another customer. A month later he called my number introducing himself, sincerely I was not able to recollect him particularly since I had attended to several other clients during that period, I asked if he had any issues with his line again, he said no that he just wanted to thank me, I made him realize there wasn’t any need for that since i was doing the job am being paid to do, he asked if we could get together for a drink, I politely declined, it willnot be professional mixing client I met in the course of my work with pleasure. Men in the country I have noticed were very flirtatious towards the opposite sex that works as customer care representative, so I was always careful with them all. Samuel, that’s his name was persistent, every morning he would send me inspirational text message wishing me well for the day, at night he would do same, he would call sometimes during the day just to check on me, I still insisted that I wasn’t ready for a date with him but gradually I softened and agreed to meet up with him for a drink after 2months, he sounded genuinely excited, we met up for dinner after work and I must confess, his company was really enjoyable as I had not been on a date for quite a while, I had just recently broken up with Emeka, my boyfriend of 7 years right from my university days, I loved Emeka dearly and he was everything to me, he was my first love, I could do anything for him but the problem we had over and over again was Emeka’s womanizing streaks, he was very randy, carefree and I was always catching him with different girls, he would always apologize, making it clear to me that I was the only girl he truly cared for, because I loved him so much I would always take him back. After graduation, Emeka was still his normal self, he wasn’t even yet ready to settle down, still continuing with his pranks with ladies all over town, I got tired and frustrated, I wasn’t getting any younger, couldn’t go on waiting for a man that wasn’t ready to settle down to have a family, my mum and aclosest friend who was already married for 3 years with 2kids advised me strongly, as painful; as it was, I called off my relationship with Emeka. Samuel was the man I was getting close to after the break up, so the date with him was breath of fresh air. Samuel is a very serious minded man and we started a relationship, within 4 months, he proposed to marry me, Samuel was the type of man any woman would want to settle down with, I was excited, we started making wedding arrangements. Some weeks to my wedding, I was doing some shopping on the island, it was such a coincidence that I came across Emeka, he is not based in Lagos but he said he came on an official assignment and putting up with a friend somewhere on the island, he wished me well on my upcoming wedding, we got talking as old time friends, somehow I had missed his company when I was through he asked me to drop by for a drink at where he was putting up, since the traffic was hectic, I decided to chill for a while with him. We got there, still gisting about the old times, Emeka was a lively person, after sometime he started getting too close, wanted to start touching me and all that, I told him to stop, was very angry my wedding was coming soon, he calmed me down, talking about the old times and what we shared, asking me to share this last time with him before my marriage, he could be very sweet mouthed, I didn’t even know what came over me, I relaxed, Emeka knew how to make a woman feel real good, he led me to the bedroom and we made love. I felt very guilty afterwards, I just wanted to go home, we got dressed, moved back to the sitting room, Princess, behold in the sitting room relaxing was Samuel’s first cousin, Andrew who I had met several times, he was the one Emeka was putting up with, a colleague of Emeka who was Andrew’s friend linked them up together, Jesus, I knew I was finished, the look on his face said it all, I rushed away from the scene, my head was exploding, when I got home I was crying and couldn’t even talk to anybody. Andrew, told Samuel what happened, he called and asked me if it was true, I was just crying and apologizing, Samuel told me point blank he was calling off the wedding, everybody blamed me and now pleading for Samuel to reconsider, I admitted I made a fatal mistake and would never ever do such again, Samuel is adamant and not listening to anyone, I feel like committing suicide, Princess please what do you advise me to now?? Linda Yaba

    Answer

    A knife cuts ones hand and we throw it away, the damage is already done! I really do not understand you youths ofnowadays, the way you makesex so casual is very disturbing. It is something that two consenting adults should enjoy between each other, yes, some people will tell you the unplanned and the risky one is the most exciting, but at what cost, especially to someone like you. You have not since Emeka in so long, yet you had unprotected sex with him, according to you, he was a loose canon when its comes to women, the real reason you left him. During your separation, he could have contracted the Hiv virus or any other sexually transmitted disease for that matter. Now, couples nowadays have a big problem with fidelity, most Nigerian men believe it’s a norm for them to cheat in their relationships, to the extent that some do it so openly and brag about it. Well, women now do not see anything wrong with cheating on their men, but they are more discreet about it because if a man is caught cheating on his partner, it is acceptable, but it a woman is caught, she will be label a “slut”! Unfortunately, you are caught in this conception. My strong advice is to continue begging him and pray that he loves and believes you enough that this just happened at the heat of the moment. If you can be easily tempted when you are not married, what will happen when you start to have issues in your marriage, will you be able to take your vows seriously? If he believes and feels that you are a strong enough woman to withstand the marital storm and you are able to make him realize this, am sure he will forgive you. I wish you all the best and pray others can learn from your mistake.

    Thought of the week

    In any relationship, love, trust and complete understanding is very crucial. The icing is effective communication and complete emotional support of one another. Lots of marriages nowadays are “empty shells”, wherein none of the above recommendations are no longer present, both couples just stay in it for “show”! Some couples have not even touch each other intimately in years, this are couples in their forties, yet outside the four walls of their home they put up a happily face in the society, yet they are both unhappy together but are more concern about what society will think? “If a wall is not broken, a lizard cannot penetrate it”! Young couples, practice the above advise very earlier in your relationships.

    Thought of the week

    “All that glitters is not gold”.

    Send your comments to:

    askprincess10@gmail.com

    SMS to: 08155558770

  • Solutions to real life

    Thought for the week:

    Are women the reason why men are refusing to fulfill their responsibilities as a man? That question when 25 men and 25 women were interviewed, each gave different opinions. Most men believed yes, women are the reasons why men are refusing to fulfill their responsibilities as men, women on the other hand are refusing, to admit that they are the reasons why men are lacking in their responsibilities as men. Out of the 25 women interviewed, almost 90 percent refused to admit that they are the reasons for these defaults in men. They believe that aside from an average Nigerian man supporting his wife and taking responsibilities for their children. Most men instead of staying with one woman to raise as many children as possible, they’d rather have issues with several women, leaving their woman to fend for herself,and their children. Now with the responsibility of feeding, clothing, and educating these children, most would have no choice but to go out and seek other men for assistance in helping them with this burden. By doing this the cycle continues because the ones that are able to give money to the mistress, might not be doing his duties at home as a husband and father. On the other hand some young men when interviewed said our young women are getting so westernized now that they see men as a counterpart, contemporaries, with an attitude of “what can a man do for me”, that cannot be done by me. This attitude, eventually, leads to lack of respect for their male counterparts. Most young women of nowadays according to the men surveyed, believed that a man that is after and chasing them, are “Moroons”,“stupid, or week. Often times, this becomes a reason why some men would rather not spend a penny on a woman until he is certain that she is the right one, and sometimes, this practice might backfire on the man, while his action, can be translated or perceive as being plane stingy.

    In conclusion, men have their reasons for not supporting women nowadays and women have their reasons for taking some men for all they’ve got. My belief is that as much as our women want to be westernized, our men have to realize that in the western world, and men do not have 10 wives and 100 children, by so doing they are able to cater for their family. If this happens, the circle of women running after men for support will drastically reduce. Most men are lacking in their duties by chasing after so many women and the women that condone this habit are not making matters any easier. We must all realize that we are endangering our children’s future, if each of us does not start to think that we each have a responsibility as individuals, households and communities to start doing the right thing so as to better the type of bed we lay for the future of marriage in our society. Then we have one another to blame for the failure of what we have created. Interestingly, we take joy in copying all the easy and the bad habits from the Western world, but ignored the right and the difficult ones. Until a system of accountability and reaper-caution, is set up by our government in tracing dead beat dads and their hidden income, compelling them to be responsible and pay “child support” for the care and education of their children like in the USA and other western countries, this trend of our women selling themselves so cheap sometimes for their own survival and for the survival of their children will continue. By this, the foundation of any marriage will continue to be threatened, and the future of our society will continue to be in jeopardy.

    Question:

    Dear Princess my name is Orelope, married to my husband for about 5 years now. We have two children, a boy and a girl. Prior to meeting my husband, he was married twice, each marriage producing a boy each age 20 and 22 respectively. I was also dating a guy named Fola. I started dating Fola in my second year while in the university, Fola was in his last year. We had agreed to get married as soon as I finish my National Youth Service. Fola once finished, travelled to the United States for his post graduate studies. In fact by the time he left, I was about two months pregnant , he was my first and only boyfriend then, I lost the baby in the third month. I continued communicating with my fiancé and had even planned to go spend the summer with him when I was introduced to my current husband by my oldest sister. It was during the burial of our mom, my sister introduced him to me as an old school mate. At burial party, my sister asked me to cater for Jide, as if my guest, I agreed, although I was a bit curious because we each have our own circle of friends. I really couldn’t understand why my sister asked me to cater for her friend, I still went along. When Jide was leaving, he asked for my number he said he would like to call me so that he can thank me some more for my hospitality towards him. I gave it to him, not thinking anything about it. He called me about two days later, to cut the story short, we started dated for six months steadily before we got married, I was six weeks pregnant when we got married. Every time I will go have our baby, my sister would volunteer to come and stay at my house to help take care of the house and my husband, I will alwayshappily agree. My sister is also married, but she is a third wife. Anytime I will travel abroad, she will be the one to come and babysit my two children. My husband owns fleets of cars which he rents out. One day on a weekend, we took one of the rented cars to church. I saw a note addressed to my husband, the handwriting looked like my sister’s. I picked it and tried to open the letter, my husband snatched it out of my hands. He said it’s something that is addressed to him and I have no right to open it talk less of reading it. I handed it over to him and kept quiet. We just celebrated our 5th year anniversary, my sister was there and very supportive of us as usual. A week after our anniversary, one of my husband’s friend’s wife called me and asked if I could come to her house. She said she has something to discuss with me. I went to see her the following day. I arrived at her house around 1p.m. and didn’t leave until 5p.m. I learnt through her that my husband had been dating my sister since their secondary school years, they separated when she married to her first husband, he too got married to someone else. When her first husband died, the affair was renewed between the both of them. The conclusion was that the lady suspects that they are probably still seeing one another according to what she learnt from her husband. She warned me to be very careful of my sister. Princess, I am still shocked and confused, should I ask them or should I just let the sleeping dog lie. Orelope, Abeokuta

    Answer:

    Dear Orelope, huh!huh!!huh!!! There is a saying “Where there is a peace in the country, the chief does not carry a shield” I don’t understand why your sister, your blood sister for that matter will see it fit to arrange you for her boyfriend to marry you. In my opinion, asking your sister or husband will definitely cause a strain in your relationship with both of them, worst yet, they will both deny it since it’s not that you’ve caught them together, the burden of proof is on you. On the other, am not saying the lady is lying, but you should keep your eye open and monitor them very well, even if you catch them together, there is nothing you can do now, the bottle is already broken, you cannot possibly put it back together. You have two children now, are you going to now risk your happy home because of their stupidity? Act as if all is well, it’s not like there is a child between them, make sure you are the “perfect wife” by doing all your wifely duties, including but not limited cooking, keeping your neat at all times, taking good care of your kids and of your husband, but most essentially, always give your “best” performance in the bedroom, don’t wait for your husband to ask for it, if he is a five times a week man, make sure he is getting it seven days. Concerning your sister, limit the assistance you ask from her or the ones she voluntarily gives in reference to when you travel or in case you decide to have another child. Just because someone is a blood sister does not mean they cannot harm you, be very careful and vigilant. I wish you all the best.

     

    Thought of the week:

    “Never allow anyone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”, where there is LOVE and UNDERSTANDING, you should be each other priorities!

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Question: Dear Princess, my name Deborah, I am a professional Lawyer, currently, I practice with a foreign company here in Nigeria. Prior to this, I was a professional registered nurse in the United States while my husband is a doctor and since has become a lawyer too. We have 3 daughters together. My husband still practices in the United States as a doctor and a part time Lawyer. Prior to accepting my post with this foreign company my senior sister called me from Nigeria that her oldest and only daughter age 16 has finished high. She will appreciate if can send her to come and leave with me for mainly two reasons. One, because of the instabilities in some of the universities here, plus her husband illness (stroke) had made it difficult for him to work for the past 2 years. She has been the one supporting him and their 4 children, she begged me to allow her daughter to come over to assist me around the house and in the process help pay for her university education. I discussed the issue with my husband, he agreed that as long as her responsibilities are fully mine, he has no objection. Honestly I was a bit skeptical mainly because of my husband’s waywardness with women. I have had my share of crying and broken hearts from him in ever since we were married. One day I came back from work sick. I was supposed to work the night shift as a nurse, around 1a.m. I started feeling sick. My supervisor took over my shift and asked me to go home, I got home around 2a.m. Downstairs I saw a lady’s purse that does not belong to me, I was curious, I made my way up to our room, only to find my husband and a very good friend of mine cuddling together in the bed. I moved closer to them to make sure I was not hallucinating because of the pain killer I took earlier. Yes, it was my friend Kike and Femi my husband. I screamed, Kike, surprisingly, they both jumped up, my friend ran to the bathroom and my husband went for his robe and put it on. I asked what was the meaning of this is, he said he asked no explanation except that he should not have brought her to our bed. I looked at him still in shock, I wanted to slap his face, but controlled my temper. I said “you should not have brought her to our home?” You are married to me, what right do you have to be having an affair with another woman, talk less of having one with my friend. Meanwhile, my friend had gotten dressed and rushed out of the house. he wanted to run after her, I blocked his way and told him that he is not leaving this house until he is able to explain the reason for this affair since our 25 years of marriage, this as far as I am concerned is the 5th one am aware of, but this is the first time I caught him right handed and in our home. He started by saying, well you have yourself to blame. You are the one that always airs out our dirty laundries to your friends. There is nothing that is going on in this house that all your friends do not know about. Your friend called me on the phone and asked if she can come over to see me, I said yes. She got to my office, she started telling me how abusive her husband is and that she is fed up. She showed me a wound on her left arm, which I treated. I told her to come every 3 days so that the nurse can clean and dress her wound for her. One day after her wound had healed, she called to see if I was around, she said she was in the vicinity, that she wants to come and say hi, I said no problem. When I finished with the patient I was seeing she came in sat down, the next thing she said was “some people have head but no cap and some have cap but no head”!. I asked why such a comment? She proceeded to tell me if I have any idea that you have finished your 4 Duplex home that you are building in Lagos. Instantly, it felt like somebody had just poured iced cold water on me. He looked at me and said, you have not heard anything. She went as far as to tell me your complaints about how I always come home tired and that the last time I touched you was more than 5 months ago. That even then that I am a “one minute” man. Princess, I felt like the floor should just opened and swallowed me up. He went one to tell me how she told him that he is not taking care of his responsibilities at home, that I am the one paying for our children’s school fees, I can go and on. I was wrong and I accepted my blame for airing my dirty laundry with my friends. What has that got to do with you sleeping with her and bringing her to our home our matrimonial bed? His response was that since I share everything that goes on with my friends anyways, he felt it is only proper to bring her to our house so that she can also see what is going on first hand, I felt like throwing up. To cut the long story short, our marriage was never the same since that day. So now, when my sister asked to take over the care of her 16 year old , my subconscious warned me against it, but I know my sister’s situation, and Morenike, being her first and only daughter I felt I should assist her in giving Morenike a better education and a better life. Since at age 16, she is still a minor, i went as far as to adopt her, the process took about 9 months. Morenike came to us just before her 17th birthday. My sister was a late starter, my children were 22, 21, and 19 years old at the time. All 3 of them were schooling out of state, Morenike was the only one who was a day student. 2 years after Morenike came, I got my law degree, and the main reason for getting this law degree was that my husband and I knew in the very near future we are eventually going to meet in court. I personally want to make sure I get him for everything he has, that is by the way. I have been away from home (USA) for the last 3 months. Normally I will go back every 5 to 6 weeks, but we have a serious case right now that I am in charge of. So I have not been back for the last 12 weeks. About 2 weeks ago, my sister came to my office, she looked very worried, appeared as if she had been crying. I asked her what seemed to be the problem. She said “Deborah I am in trouble” I said sister, please stop beating around the bush what is the problem? she replied, “Morenike is pregnant!” At first, my brain did not register what she just said, I asked again, what is the problem? She closed her eyes this time, drew her head back on the seat and put her hands on her head, she responded “I said Morenike is pregnant” I took a deep breath and asked her how and who is responsible. Princess, inside my head something was telling me your husband is responsible, trying to listen to my sister and at the same time trying very hard to push the nasty thought out of my head. My sister now leaned forward, put her hands on top of my hands and said gently, “Femi is responsible” The last thing I remember was “Femi is responsible” I passed out. I regained consciousness, I slowly opened my eyes, somewhat my cloths was soaked. I touched myself, two of my staff including my sister were standing over me, in unison asking if I was alright. I nodded, with their assistance, I pulled myself together, took a sharp deep breath and looked deeply at my sister. Our eyes locked, and she nodded as if she read my mind. I thanked my two staff members, reassured them that I was alright. When they left, my sister sat down beside me and put her hand around me, putting my head down so that my head rested on her shoulder. I took another deep breathe and asked “what do we do now?” She started sobbing slowly, I turned and looked at her, two tears, almost simultaneously rolling down her eyes. She said “Deborah, it’s all my effort, if I didn’t send her to you to assist me, this would not have happened. I now smiled, I said no, “it is my fault I should have seen this coming, but in my defense, anytime the thought will cross my mind, I always pull it aside saying “Femi is loose, but he is not an animal.” Well, I guess I was wrong. Listen, both of us cannot sit down here and blame ourselves. One thing Femi is lucky that Renny is about 19 year old now, otherwise I will make sure he rots in jail for abuse of a minor and molestation. My sister looking so distraught, my husband is no longer my priority now, how to resolve this problem and get Renny back on the right path is the priority now. Princess both my sister and I are confused because our parents were medical practitioners that preached religiously against abortion. Our upbringing and religious background against abortion are so embedded in us that we are now both confused and scared. Princesses please advise me on what to do concerning my pregnant niece by my husband. I am extremely confused and scared. Deborah, Ikeja.

    Answer:

    Dear Deborah, there is a saying, “if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it.” Well this one is broken and you must find a responsible and delicate ways of fixing it. You did what most people will never do for their siblings, to take the responsibility of your sister’s daughter, your niece, you took it upon yourself to the extent of adopting her so that she can enjoy all the benefits an average American enjoys. If I am not mistaken, your husband left all her responsibilities solely to you. You did not because of that get angry at him because she is your niece. Your sister on the other hand was doing what she felt was best for her only daughter since she is the breadwinner in her family due to her husband’s illness. Yes, both of you knew the risk you were taking by letting your niece come to stay with you because of your husband’s history with women, but neither one of you could have believed or even fathom the thought that he will go to the extent of sleeping with your niece while you’re away making money for your family. Your niece on the other hand should also be blamed too. Yes, maybe she was scared, maybe she was threatened by your husband, but at that age she know right from wrong and the implications of what they were doing should have been very clear to both of them. Although you have not asked for an advice concerning your husband, but since he is the major player here, I must also talk about him. I do not know what is going on with him, where you went wrong with him. As a couple, there must be respect for each other, your matrimonial vows is so diminished, also non-existence. You need to figure out or sit him down with your husband and ask him what your offense is that he continuously hurt and disgraced you. My advice on that is no matter your decision concerning him, put the feelings of your 3 children into consideration before making any moves, “after a foolish deed comes remorse”, in other words, don’t throw the bath water out with the child!. Now concerning what to do about Renny’s pregnancy, sit down with your sister and consider this options. Morally and ethically, is it ok for your niece to have that baby wherein your children and your grand- niece will have the same father. Think about the child’s future and how that can affect you and all concerned psychologically. The next option is to abort the pregnancy. I am strongly against abortion, but in this case it might be your only option. Going against your strong upbringing and your strong religious belief but the end result will justify the mean to eventually put this terrible ordeal behind everyone. Now the best thing also is to make sure your niece and your husband live separately so that this nasty occurrence does not occur again. I wish you and your sister the best in any decision you come up with.

    Thought of the week:

    “A loveless life is a living death”

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week:

    Role reverser in a relationship/ marriage:

    Are men now allowing women to take over their “responsibilities”? In other words, men don’t want to be a “provider” any longer but still want to wear the “crown” as the head of the house! Young men nowadays have a saying when it comes to giving or supporting a woman financially, they use words like, “oh, you are an independent woman” you don’t need my money. They have forgotten that back then, in the olden days what our fathers used as a husband and as a “man” is how theycan support and provide for their women and their family. If you tell a woman, “oh you’re an independent womanand she accepts and does not complaint if you “refused” to support her financially, you better believe it, that as a man you have no “control” over that woman whatsoever. My belief even if a woman is a billionaire you still as a responsible man must be able to be responsible for some things in her life financially. Barry White, Quincy Jones, and others sang a song in the 80’s called “Secret Garden”, Barry White said, “I will take good care of you, that’s what a man is supposed to do, I will be there for you all the time.” All the time is mainly talking about financially responsibilities. There is a Yoruba saying, “A tigbeyawo oja, owoobe lo soro.” What this means is marrying a woman is not a problem, to provide for her financially is the problem. Anywhere in the world, it is a known fact that women look up to men for support on average, even in the western world that we are trying to copy and emulate so much. In the bible, Quran, and in any other book you read when it comes to a man’s role in a relationship, no argument that the man is the “head”, what makes that “head” is how you can provide financially or at least support your woman. In our society, we are still trying to be so westernized, but we are also forgetting that we have a much embedded culture and tradition. The embedded culture and tradition incorporating western ideals into relationships and marriages now are creating a lot of conflicts and confusion which is what is causing rise in divorces and break-ups in lot of relationships. I still know of elderly men that will not allow their wives to work, what they do is allow the women to support them in their various businesses. Most of these women have more than an average woman that is working, they drive the best cars, have the best things in life. Also know of an elderly man that refuses to date outside his marriage for the mere fact that he knows he wants to keep his home, but most importantly he knows the other woman will be looking or demanding financially for more than he can give. To be fair to his wife, himself, and the other woman, for the other women not to feel being taking advantage of. He kept his promise to himself not to date outside his marriage unless he can provide for the other woman too. In other word, I am not saying it’s not good for a woman to be independent, it is in fact very good because it is also the duty of a good woman to support her partner or spouse if need be. But all I am saying is that when it comes to women on a man’s role in a relationship, in order to maintain balance and stability, both must know there is a boundary that must not be crossed or messed up in order to sustain and keep the relationship or marriage balanced. One need to know there are “mere” men and women, those ones are categorized as “quatity men and women” not “quality men and women”, I am talking about men and women with values, ones that will one way or the other add “value” to each other lifes. Now In conclusion, I am advising our young men not to sell their “crown” because of selfishness and self-centeredness. If you want a woman to respect you, not just love you no matter, what makes sure you are responsible for some financial obligations in her life no matter how rich or well to do the woman is.

    Next fewweeks look out for: Are Women the reason why men are refusing to fulfill their responsibilities as a man?

    Are men “driving” women to become “vultures”?

    Are parents training/showing their sons and daughters what each role is in a marriage for the future?

    The effect of how what we do as couples affect how we behave outside our homes and how it affects the society as a whole.

    Question: My name is KemuKemuVerere, “Kem” for short. I am 16 years, I live with my parents, my two brothers and a sister. I am the youngest of the four. My brothers are 22 and 20 years old, and my older sister is 19 years old. My mother is a teacher in one of the elementary schools in our area while my dad works as an electrician, he has his own business. My two other brothers are schooling in Lagos right now, my sister and myself live at home with our parents. I am not too close with my older sister, but I am very close to my two older brothers. My mom on the other hand is a typical wife that although loves her children but is very submissive to her husband. My father controls his household with a very strict hand, my mother at the end of the month gives her salary to him, he decides who spends what, and who buys what in the house. In other words, my father’s wish is the command in the house. Ever since I’ve known my parents, my father always abuses my mother physically, especially when he’s drunk. The next day my mother will continue as if it was nothing. She does not allow us to interfere at all. It is because of this that my two brothers decided that it’s better for them to leave the house so that they are not forced or attempted one day to interfere on our mothers behalf and ended up hurting our father in the process. I started my period about 4 years ago. My father is very fond of me, he will call me his precious flower. He took a keen interest in my menstrual cycle. At first, I was very happy that it is my dad that will always ask if i’d seen my period. My mom on the other hand barely shows any interest in what my sister and I do. My father is the one that will keep advising not to go near any boy because I might get pregnant, and once I am pregnant my life is ruined forever. Because of his regular warning, I don’t even allow any boys to touch me at school, not even when we are having a conversation. On my 13th birthday, my dad bought me a set of body wash and told me it will make my skin glow, I used it every night. One night, about a week after my birthday my mom was out of town for training from her school. My dad told me to set my alarm for 11p.m., once the alarm rings, to come to his room that he has something to discuss with me, I said ok sir. When my alarm rang at 11p.m, I went over and my dad said I should sit down on the bed. He told me that something is going to happen between us now, it is a family tradition that has been in his family for the longest time and this always happens between the last daughter and her father. He said I must not tell anyone, not even my mother or sister. That the day I reveal it to anyone I will become a barren. I asked him what it is sir, he said we won’t talk about it anytime it happens, but to just watch and relax anytime it happens, I told him alright. My father proceeded to take off my clothes and climbed on top of me. I wanted to scream, he covered my month and said, it is an abomination to even scream, that I must be strong and bare the pain. I believed him. 10 minutes later, he got up and gave me a small towel and pure water to go and clean myself. He said I should return the small towel to him, which I did. He then gave me two pain killers and said he will let me know when this act will happen again, to make sure no one knows. The next morning, I was still in pain, when my sister asked what was wrong with me, I told her I have stomach pain, she said I should go and drink salt and water, which I did. Princess, the act has been going on now for about 3 years, each time, I will clean with the towel and return it to my dad. As I told you earlier, my father keeps a very good tab on my menstrual cycle. About 4 weeks now, I have not been feeling good. My parents thought I had malaria, they took me to a family doctor who confirmed that I was 4 weeks pregnant. My parents demanded to know who was responsible for my pregnancy, I confided in my mother and sister what had been happening between my father and I. They both told me I must be crazy, and my mother at one point slapped my face that I am trying to destroy her marriage. She said that she had always known that I am a demonic child. My sister said I must be hallucinating to think that our father will do such a thing. I have not been able to communicate with my two brothers in Lagos. Princess, they are making my life a living hell right now still demanding to know who is responsible for the pregnancy. My mother vowed she will never be part of aborting for any child of hers. My father is even refusing to say anything, telling my mother that she has failed as a mother to raise me up properly, a such, this is both of our problem we should go and resolve it the best way we know how. Now, I confided in my two friends from school, they are the ones that told me to write to your column and ask you for your advice. Should I go and report my father to the police and destroy my parents live or should I find money to abort the pregnancy because I definitely cannot keep the baby. Please help me to make the right decision. KemuKemuVerere Delta State

    Answer:

    Dear “Kem,” after reading your unbelievable story, my eyes swelled up with tears. Yes, I have heard similar stories like this before, but I have never believed that a father will sleep with his own child when he has his own wife and a lot of other women out there that he can approach if he so much chooses to cheat on his spouse. You mentioned something that the first night when this incident occurred between you and your dad, that he gave you a small towel to clean up with and asked you to return it to him, that this same act continued. What is not clear to me is why does he give you the towel every time he performs this act with you? Because if he does, if he does this act this might go beyond what meets the ordinary eyes. Secondly him keeping a close tab on your menstrual cycle shows he was probably monitoring your “safe period.” So as not to get you pregnant, so if what you are telling me is true. That he is the only man that has ever come close to you that way, then obviously he miscalculated and that might be the reason why he is adamant and blames your mother for not keeping a close tab on you. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is his or not. I believe he has committed two offenses which one is child abuse and I believe the other is incest, both should be reported to the police. If you decide to take law into your hands or decide to abort the pregnancy without proper guidance, God forbid you might end up dead. Now, since you do not have any support system whatsoever, be it your mother, sister or brothers. The next course of action is to turn to the law, the police, allow them to interfere and assist you the best way out, to get the best result for you so that your future is not totally destroyed by this foolish act from your parents especially your father. I am so sorry that you have to go through this at a young age. I hope this will not destroy or spoil future relationships for you. I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week:

    We should all create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid of our partners. A relationship or marriage should be about “a union” of friendship and trust, not of being “ afraid” of your partner.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week:

    Your 16 year old daughter wants to start clubbing with her older cousins, your husband does not see anything wrong with it. You on the other hand believes that she should not start clubbing until the age of 18. This causes tension between all three of you. What would you do?

    a) Since your husband is the head of the family, it is ok.

    b) Try to let your husband see your reasoning to let her be 18 years old before clubbing.

    c) Tell them you are the mother and you know better when it comes to raising a child.

    d) Stop talking to both of them.

    Question:

    Dear Princess, My name is Ekaette aged 48, a widower with 2 boys ages 21 and 22. My current boyfriend of 3 years, Fela, is divorced with 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, ages 19, 18, 16. My husband passed about 8 years ago, in a car accident. Since then I have been raising our two sons by myself. Luckily for me, my husband had built a 4-storey house of 4 flats, we live on the last floor and the other 3 are rented out. So with the rent I collect from the rental property and what I make as a bank officer, am able to send my sons to the University. Prior to meeting my current man friend, I have been in and out of relationships. The saddest thing about this is that until I lost my husband, and finding myself on the other side of the fence, I had not realized how difficult it is to find a “decent man”. A “decent man” in my opinion is not just about sleeping together, it goes way beyond that. To me, my husband was a decent man, he was able to make me feel like a woman all the time, and he knew what I needed when I needed it. Financially, we were never lacking, he did not for once make me feel or regret marrying him. He wore the crown as the head of the family with pride and dignity. So, when he died, it was very difficult for me to find a man that can fill half of his shoes. 90% of the men will promised heaven and earth, but as soon as they get what they want from me, I almost have to start chasing them like little children. The worst part is that at my age, it is very difficult or sometimes impossible to find a single or divorced man. Most of the guys that come my way are married men. Up until when I lost my husband, I will never dream of dating another woman’s husband, because I wouldn’t want another woman to do it to me, but unfortunately in the process of looking for a companion, I had no choice but to allow myself to date married men. Now, some of the disadvantages are that you cannot see him when you want to, when he sees you, you cannot go out with him openly for the fear that someone that knows him might see you guys together. Some are so afraid of their wives, that they can only see under extreme secrecy, there are some that can only call during office hours, no evening, no night s and definitely no weekends. Worst part, it is extremely difficult for most of them to assist you financially because they will tell you, they also have their own wife and children and other financial obligations to their families. All these put together, I promised myself to stop dating married men, that I will only date single or divorced men. Well Princess, I got lucky after 3 years of waiting, Fela came my way. At first, I resisted him, because I told myself he is just another man that will promise heaven and earth at the beginning then a couple of months later into the relationship will be when he realizes that he has other families and cannot give time, talkless of him assisting financially, but Fela proved to be different. Divorced for the last 5 years, his wife left with another man and left the care of their 3 children to him. He too had vowed to dedicate his life to his children. He started banking at my branch. Anytime he needed help, I would assist him although I was not his account manager. He seemed very comfortable coming to me anytime he needed assistance with his transactions. He had been coming for about 3 months and one day he asked if I was married, I said no, he said great, can I treat you to lunch. At first I wanted to say no, then I said to myself what do I have to lose, one lunch with him, should not be a problem. We went on the date, and when we started talking, I almost went past my lunch hour. He asked where I lived, I told him I lived in the next town, but I do not allow men to come to my house because I have 2 grown boys. He said that was not why he asked me where I lived. He wanted to invite me to a dinner date so that we can continue our conversation, and he was concerned about me getting home late. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend. We met at an agreed restaurant not too far from my house. We were so engrossed in conversation; we were there for a good 3 hours. Both of us could not believe that we had so much in common. Another date was arranged, long story short, we started seeing each other steadily. Fela was compassionate, giving, gentle, caring, name it. I could not believe my luck that a “decent” man still existed on this planet. It was obvious within 6 months of seeing each other we had both fallen in love. He told me he does not believe that a caring, motherly, sisterly woman still existed on earth until he met me. He started inviting me to his house. I met his 3 beautiful children, 2 girls and a boy. I felt as if they were mine; I would help the girls cook and store food in the freezer. I felt like the girls were the daughters I never had. The children received me with open arms. Three years into the love affair, with complete understanding of each other, we both knew it was obvious something good will end up coming out of this relationship. At home meanwhile, my eldest son stays on campus while the younger one refused to leave me alone. He said he will not be able to leave me alone if he does not know I’m alright at all times. I love both of my boys dearly, my son Kenneth, the oldest, had been talking about his girlfriend now for almost a year. He kept promising to bring her home to get to know me at the same time. His 23rd birthday was coming up, which falls on a Saturday. I told him to come home that weekend so that I could do something special for him, he agreed. I was in the kitchen cooking, and was just spooning the rest of the jolof rice that I had cooked into the cooler when Kenneth came in with a beautiful lady by his side. He greeted me, I responded, the girl beside him said “aunty”? I said, “Jumoke”? We both looked at each other with surprise, unaware, I dropped the spoon I was holding on the floor, it was the sound of the spoon hitting the floor that jolted me back to her hugging me and I hugged her back. I asked how she was doing, she said fine. I asked about her dad, she said that everybody is fine. Now, I looked at my son, I said “How did you find Jumoke?” He replied happily and said mom, this is the Jummy, my girlfriend, that I have been telling you about. I told you I am going to marry once we finish with our National Service. Luckily, there was a chair in the kitchen, I sat down. I thought, no, no, no. This cannot be true, after all these years of finding a true love, now this. I pulled myself together, called Jumoke aside not to tell Kenneth anything about my relationship with her dad until after Kenneth’s birthday get-together is over, to wait until Sunday for us to talk about it. On Sunday evening, I sat Kenneth and my other son Elliot down, Jumoke was watching. I told them that Jumoke’s dad and I have been dating steadily for the last 3 years or so. Kenneth got up so fast out of his chair, that it fell back. He said, “Mom you have been seeing a man, and you kept it a secret from us?” I looked at both of my sons and said “it’s not like I wanted to keep it a secret, there was just no right time to tell both of you, plus you Kenneth live on campus and Elliot is always in school anyways.” There is no excuse I’m sorry! Kenneth now sat down, he said “mom, “How would this affect the plan of Jummy and I getting married?” I smiled, I told him “nothing will affect your union” When they left, I called Fela and narrated everything to him. He took a deep breath and said we will discuss it when next we meet. The following week, I went over to his house, his conclusion was to wait and see since they have not decided to get married yet. Princess, my mind is not at rest. What should I do? Should I leave the man I love because of our children marrying each other? If I stay with this man regardless of the children would it be violating any moral or ethical ground for that matter, please advice me. Confused Ekaette, Akwa Ibom

    Answer:

    Dear Ekaette, It seems to me you are caught between the rock and a hard place. Your situation deserves a very thoughtful, careful and methodical response. You are 48 years old, according to Erikson’s theory of Psychological development, you are at stage 7 which is “Generatively VS Stagnation” that is between the ages of 40 to 65. This stage, if there is no interruption, meaning if you are happily married, everything in your life is the way it is supposed to be. Adults at this stage need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success at this stage leads to feeling of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world. The problem now is that people at this stage are experiencing failures and difficulties in their relationship just as you have experienced by waiting for 3 years before meeting someone compatible, you end up reverting to the 6th stage which is “Intimacy VS Isolation” a lot of women, even men, in your age group that are having problems with their relationships storm this stage. Meanwhile people at this stage between the ages 19 to 40 years old group are still finding their love and relationship! People in your age group who are having difficulties in keeping a steady relationship now reverts back to over populate this stage which is what is making it difficult if not impossible to find a compatible partner. Now that you have gotten lucky and found someone compatible, as luck would have it, your children met outside on a neutral ground and decided they will marry each other. I want you to explore these two options. One, if you decide to leave Fela for your children to marry on moral grounds, I do not believe there are any ethical values that are being violated here. What are the chances of finding another companion at your age? Remember, you have dedicated all your live to raising your children, when both of them finish school, get jobs and get married. What will happen to you without a steady and loving person in your life? Secondly what are the chances that after your children are married; their marriage will last, with the divorce rate out there. Of course, we all pray and hope this never happen to any of our children, but Ekeatte, am been realistic now! If the marriage does not last and you have separated from your companion thinking it is the best for the children, the emptiness you will experience when everyone is gone might end up letting you to blame or worst hate your son, Kenneth. Think about it very well. Sit down with Fela, look at all the pros and cons and make sure you come out with a decision that will benefit all of you and your children at this stage. The other is if you decide to keep your relationship with Fela, to make sure you do not bring any child to this world together. Yes, that by itself is a sacrifice. The wisdom to make the right decision will be giving to both of you. I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week:

    “Don’t listen to what people say, watch what they do.”