BIMPE (not real name) needed to get to a party over the weekend, and had no idea how she would escape from her spouse. So she cooked up an excuse for her husband, Soji. “Sweetheart, our company has organized a training and I was selected as one of the participants.” Soji agreed and was ready to take care of the kids, though he was a man who lacked exposure and didn’t allow his wife go for “owambe”, which is the reason why Bimpe decided to tell a lie. And yes she went for the party nothing happened because Soji didn’t know the true story. I am not saying all women are like this. This is just an example of lie being told to a spouse. There are many more examples of various lies people tell in their relationships. Over time as we mature, there are certain things we shouldn’t tolerate in any relationship. Our lives are complicated with the problems we face in our economy relating to our careers, family, friends, in-laws, enemies and even ‘frienemies’, sometimes it is all too much to handle. Then we now add a new relationship to the mix, or managing an existing one and you have one more issue with which you have to deal with called LIES!
If you discover that your partner has lied to you, should you stay with such a person? It all depends on you as a person. How much are you willing to put up with it and how much time are you willing to spend with such a person whom you have now identified as a liar.
The key ingredient in any relationship to survive is trust, especially as we grow older. This is very important because if there is no trust, the centre cannot and will not hold, no matter how beautiful, handsome, sexy, great in bed and rich this person may be. Coupled with respect and love, trust is an ingredient that gives you a strong basis as a couple or in any relationship such as colleague at work, business partner etc. While trust is a bond, it is also a tenuous one, easily broken, if one of the partners constantly lies. A partner may tolerate it first, second and third time, but after a while they will eventually get tired of tolerating. LIES about your financial level e.g how much you make or have in your account are also trust breakers, it’s a hard pill to swallow but the fact remains not everyone likes to come clean on exactly how much they are worth
There are also some lies we don’t want to hear (no one likes any sort of lies really). Lies such as, “I didn’t call because my cell phone battery was low or died.” Or,” I was at work”. For anyone who consistently lies the reality is that this person feels lies are acceptable, and will always have reasons why he or she should lie. He or she may lie about the reason they came home late or say they did something that needed to be done but in reality didn’t do it. The thing with lies is that, it may start small and you may keep getting away with it, they may not be major lies, but gradually they will progress into major ones and become uncontrollable, it may not mean you are committing adultery or hiding money from your spouse, but a pattern is being established where lying becomes second nature to the truth, when your lies become a truth to you, it has now become a habit and difficult to stop.
As mature individuals you may have to stop making excuses for the person who lies to you over and over again and face the reality of the situation that your spouse is a LIAR. That person is not going to change and you can’t expect him or her to be truthful, they will lose track of the lies as one lie leads to another lie, then another lie and yet another lie, till it becomes a web they cannot be free from.
Relationships are made up of many important parts. People are willing to put up with various behaviour with their spouses just for the sake of keeping “hope” alive or maintain an appearance that all is well when in reality all is NOT well.
Signals that your partner is a liar
Unfortunately, it is not all the time you can tell when you are being lied to in a relationship. Nonetheless, when a partner’s actions seem shady and unexplainable, or when you cannot connect the dots, it might signify dishonesty. These signs are listed and discussed below.
- Change of tempo in your spouse’s voice
If you’re the type who talks a lot with your spouse, you practically become used to his/her voice. When your partner is lying, you notice a slight change of tone in their voice, either going higher or lower. To others, it might not be noticeable, but to you who has held several conversations with your partner and knows them well, especially if you have been together for a while, then that change is detected immediately, even if it is subconscious. Your mind will speak to you, showing you that all is not well. Unless you want to deceive yourself, you will see the signs.
- Change in eye contact
When having a conversation with your spouse, he/she who was previously looking directly into your eyes while talking suddenly answers a question looking away from you or quickly finding something else to look at, that may be a sign of dishonesty. It is either the person is embarrassed about telling a lie that the guilt forces the person to look away from the other’s eyes. Or be that the spouse is trying to organize their thoughts in order to flow with the lie being told, remember we said one lie leads to another and another and another, trust me it is hard work. When your spouse avoids looking into your eyes or in your direction when answering a question of yours, it could be a sign that something is wrong. A lot of betrayals happen in this way; the eyes are window to a mans soul.
- Change in recollection of events
Remember we mentioned earlier that telling lies is connected and hard work to create a perfect lie. Making the lie to suit certain events that have already happened could be complicated if not done well. The liar himself could divulge a lie by himself/herself.
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