The Nation Newspaper

Category: Sunday

New road-side policing?

Citizens need to be properly educated about the role of FRSC and VIO

A few months ago, the current Inspector-General of Police did what most Nigerians had considered impossible. He put an end to police roadblocks across the country. At the beginning, most Nigerians did not believe he would have the courage to keep toll-collecting police officers off the highways and intra-city roads. But as soon as it became clear that the no-nonsense IG was ready to fire road-blocking police officers, Nigerians heaved a sigh of relief and praised the IG for his braveness. A few months after this micro revolution, citizens are back to harassment by new groups of uniformed men on highways and city roads.

Members of the Federal Road Safety Commission appear to have succeeded members of the Nigerian Police Force on road-side duties. FRSC red-capped men and women are now as ubiquitous on all roads between towns as the federal police withdrawn from the road a few months ago. Just like the police before them, FRSC officers stop moving vehicles on the highway and on streets within towns that are clearly not federal roads. Like the NPF men and women, FRSC officers dutifully ask for driver’s licenses, vehicle registration, insurance papers, fire extinguishers, etc. They even stop and delay drivers whose tail lights are out.

I rode with a brother recently. He was flagged down on the Lagos-Ibadan highway around noon. After producing every document requested of him by the FRSC men, he was told that the passenger-side rear light “was not working.” My brother responded that this must have just happened and that he would fix it in Ibadan. I expected the FRSC men to give him a warning, but they quickly handed my brother a N2000 ticket, asking him to turn in his driver’s license. Of course, several mini-buses that were stopped did not experience much delay. They were quick to stretch their hands to the men in red caps. My brother blamed me for refusing to sit at the back. He was right; all the cars with one or two persons at the back were ignored by the officers. I quickly learnt my lesson and chose to sit at the back (at the so-called owner’s corner) on our way back.

On our way back from Ibadan the same day, we saw a new set of road policemen. These were Vehicle Inspection Officers (VIO). Like the FRSC officers we saw in the morning, they too were there to ensure safety on the road. Five or so buses were stopped in front of us. Even though we were not flagged down, I got down out of curiosity to ask one of the bus drivers what the problem was. The VIOs were asking commercial bus drivers the same set of questions that we were asked in the morning by FRSC officers. One of the officers came to ask me for my identity and why I had stopped without being asked to do so. I told him I just wanted to know what they were doing on the highway. He told me with a stern look, “doing our job and please do not block the traffic sir.”

Even on Ikeja roads, FRSC and VIO are competing for attention or business. It is not uncommon to come across these men and women within half a mile on the same road on the same day in Ikeja, particularly on Olowopopo Avenue and Agidingbi Road. As if the FRSC and VIO are not enough menace on the roads, men of the Nigerian Customs are also stopping moving vehicles on Funsho Williams Avenue, Ibadan-Ife and Sagamu-Ore roads, to name a few. In their own case, Customs men claim to be searching for smuggled goods. They ask drivers to produce their customs papers, even when the vehicles carry proper registration documents. One Customs officer even accused me between Araromi-Obu and J-4 of driving a car that must have been undervalued, saying “the amount paid on the car was rather small.” I assured the officer that I bought the car in Nigeria from someone who had used it in the country for more than two years before I bought it. I was luckier than other road users. The chubby customs officer released my papers.

One point arising from the replacement of NPF with FRSC, VIO, and NC men on the roads is the increasing harassment of citizens, particularly commercial drivers. It does not make sense to save road users from the menace of one armed force and put them in the jaws of men and women of three other forces. There must be better ways for Customs men to prevent smuggled goods from entering the country. This is why there are ports of entry into the country. Customs officers checking for smuggled goods outside the airport or in places that have no borders with other countries must have ulterior motives.

Citizens need to be properly educated about the role of FRSC and VIO. Are they competing agencies? At the beginning, FRSC officers were to enforce speed limit on highways. VIO was principally responsible for ensuring that those who obtain driver’s license are certified to do so. These two agencies now behave like customs men. They wait outside their offices to ascertain that drivers have proper documents. FRSC men no longer enforce speed limit. They are not even properly equipped to do so. There are no radars to ascertain that drivers are driving within speed limit. There are no signs to indicate speed limit from zone to zone. Unlike what obtains in other countries, there is no agency that certifies periodically that vehicles are safe to be put on the road. In other places, vehicles are checked for mechanical fitness and emission control and certificates are issued for passing such inspection. Para-military men and women are not given beats on the highways to do this.

People calling for death penalty for corruption have to be careful. There may be a need for Sharia sensibility, given the enormity of corruption in the land. But too many (if not all) of our MDAs are designed to encourage corruption. For example, there is no good reason to centralize license and vehicle registration. Any surprise that FRSC is becoming another central police?

December 2, 2012
Another country is possible

(A Miracle at the Murtala Muhammed Airport)

Like an aging crooner, snooper is in a very soapy and sentimental mood this morning. It may have to do with the onset of the Harmattan weather and its exhilarating haze which often leads to undue excitement and a loss of balance and sober perspective. Or it may be due to the approach of Christmas, the period of child-like gaiety, charity and goodwill. At a charity ball, the impossible and irascible Bernard Shaw was once asked by a society lady why she of all people was the object of his fawning affection and adulation. “It’s a Charity show, isn’t it?” the crusty curmudgeon shot back.

But Bernard Shaw or no Bernard Shaw, there are times when you feel that with all its faults and dangerous fault lines, it is a great honour to be a Nigerian. With its mystique, its mysterious allure, its great personality and combustible mix of macho and masochism, Nigeria is a great country waiting for a great leader. Under existing configurations, we may have to wait till the end of time for that mirage, that is, if somebody does not pull the fatal plug. But there are moments when something happens to remind one of the great possibilities of this nation if we get it right. Biological clocks also tick for nations.

Yes, another country is possible. But it will take a lot of incentives and disincentives. Incentives for good, civil and civilised behaviour, and disincentives in the form of harsh and swift retribution for uncivil and uncivilised conduct , particularly in the public arena. It is the human institutions that we have built and sustained that have helped humanity evolve away from the state of nature where everything is short, nasty and brutish. Take these man-made institutions away and we are not much better than our animal cousins. As a writer once put it, mankind first civilised on the plains of Africa, but he has not continued to do so there.

The de-civilisation and dehumanisation of Nigeria, the regression into the stark ethos of the Stone Age society, did not begin in one day or in one era. It has been a slow excruciating process. With today’s eighty per-centers just imagine what the ten per-centers of the First Republic so famously and implacably excoriated by Major Chukwuma Kaduna Nzeogwu would think of us as a people and a nation. Or just imagine how innocent in retrospect Admiral Augustus Akabue Aikhomu’s famous doctrine of the misapplication of funds seems in the light of current total evacuation of the Exchequer !

Proverbially and symbolically, a fish starts rotting from the head. It is when the elite of a nation lose the cerebral capacity for a visionary conception of a better society and the capability for moral imagination that a society begins to nosedive. If we are not at the rock bottom yet, we cannot be that far away.

With due respect to General Olusegun Obasanjo, what is starring us in the face is not imminent revolution. That revolution of his imagining ought to have come a long time ago. A revolutionary situation subsists when there is still some residual and rudimentary normative order to society, when an active and however tiny section of the ruling class miraculously escapes the general ethical paralysis. But when the unforeseeable is about to collide with the unknowable, it is called revolutionary anarchy. That apocalyptic meltdown is already upon us

Yet despite this vision of Armageddon, there are moments when something to cheer crops up in the ethical fiasco of contemporary Nigeria. It is something to applaud when one notices a stirring in the right direction, when a fallen giant of a nation heaves and haws in the right direction as it tries to lift its great heft off the ground. These nuggets of hope may well be the last snapshots of derailed possibilities. Or they may be the seeds of regeneration and miraculous redemption.

Last Monday yours sincerely arrived at the Murtala Muhammed Airport on a British Airways flight after a short trip abroad. Over the years, one had learnt to expect the worst from Nigerian airports. There were times in the past when the arrival hall often reminds one of an inner city asylum and its berserk denizens.

But it has to be said that slowly and quite obviously some order and rationality have kept into the procedure. It still takes a long while to retrieve luggage from the gasping and epileptic conveyor belts. Pimping, touting and “les protocols” in the manner of Mobutu’s Zaire have been reduced to a minimum. The passage and the arrival halls are well-lit, but the cooling system is still grossly inadequate despite improvement over the years. The custom officials were stern but polite and unobtrusive. One of them even managed to crack a joke at snooper’s expense before waving one off with much gusto.

Outside, particularly in the outer perimeter and outward margins of the airport, it was still a no-man’s land. Petty thieves, cut-purses, assassins on the prowl mix freely with well-wishers and other sympathetic undertakers. This is the tense and turbulent confluence of the people of the underworld and the denizens of the Nigerian underground, those who have been banished into the deep bowel of the society by misery and deprivation. You have a feeling that many of these callow criminals are driven to crime by the dire need to keep body and soul together.

Far from the maddening crowd… as they say. It was a tired and drowsy snooper that jumped into the waiting car after making sure that all the contents of the wheel cart had been safely evacuated—or so it seemed. It was time to face squarely the next battle of how to get home safely. The fact that you are out of the airport precincts in one piece does not mean that you are going to get home in one piece if you are coming from the airport.

That requires a different set of survival skills, which includes ability to dodge bullets or the limbs of a superior athlete if you have to make a dash for it. The armed robbers know their route and rote very well and this includes which vast stretches of the lonely road out of the airport remain unpoliced. In such circumstances, you just have to ride your luck hoping that your number does not come up on a particular night,

Eighteen years earlier, on the evening of August 26th, 1994, snooper’s number had come up after arriving back in Nigeria on the same British Airways flight from London. In what looked like a state-inspired armed robbery, the car was suddenly hemmed in and pinned down around the Portland Cement exit on Ikorodu Road. In a textbook military operation, gun-toting hoodlums swiftly surrounded the car. Yours sincerely and other occupants were dragged out and ordered to lie on the main Ikorodu Road. Snooper refused. But in a flash, everything was gone including the car.

Intriguingly, that was also the night that General Abacha’s reign of terror finally took on a life of its own. Across the same road and around the same time, the chambers of Gani Fawehinmi, the iconic lawyer, was being burgled and his guards maimed. Air Commodore Dan Suleiman’s residence around Yaba was also firebombed that same evening.

It was Segun Odegbami who kindly took yours sincerely to a local tailor in Fadeyi to be kitted with a new pair of trousers and shirt. Ironically, it was the same Segun Odegbami who helped to retrieve snooper’s laptop from the overhead compartment of the aircraft last Monday evening after a bout of professorial amnesia. How some people remain a permanent fixture is a mystery.

Luckily, snooper got home safely on Monday evening. Although the security situation has worsened in some national aspects, 1994 seems far away from 2012, and so is state gangsterism. On Tuesday morning, disaster struck as snooper was preparing for the day’s chore. The laptop was nowhere to be found. For a moment, snooper thought it was a nasty dream. But the laptop had truly disappeared. They have finished me! Snooper cried to himself.

In a jumble of conspiracy theories, snooper’s mind immediately fixed on a tall gangling youth with a lupine visage who was begging to help with lifting the luggage from the cart. The Lucifer must have nicked the laptop. In their bid to hurriedly evacuate from the airport premises, the aides must have left the laptop in the cart for easy picking. Oh Lord, it is malarial mid day! For anybody who lives by the computer key board, losing your laptop is the equivalent of a death sentence. The computer is the bank vault of the engaged intellectual; or his armoury if you like. Losing it is like going to war with the sheath of your sword, or what the Igbo call an efulefu.

In a fit of panic and disorientation, snooper ordered his derelict aides to go to the airport and come back with the laptop whatever it took. On paper, it was a foolish and forlorn mission. Even in civilised nations, the modern airport is not a place of charity. After waiting in vain for about four hours, it was a crestfallen and hesitant snooper that called one of the chaps. They were on their way back, came the glum reply. But what about the computer? Yes, it was found and safely deposited at the zonal office. After a letter of authorisation and proper documentation, the computer was released.. It was miracle day in Ikeja.

Snooper wishes to thank the airport manager for the South Zone, his men and women and the security people at the airport for this Christmas gift. They were professional to boot. Not a penny was demanded or given. Snooper did not even show up. It is moments like this that one is proud to be a Nigerian despite all the problems. For a nation, it is of signal importance to cultivate a cult of heroic example.

It is profoundly salutary and instructive that this miracle should take place in an airport named after the illustrious Murtala Ramat Muhammed, Nigeria’s iconic military leader. To his detractors, Murtala was everything a head of state ought not to have been: a tribalist in uniform, an ethnic irredentist, a war scoundrel and a bank robber. But in a feat of radical epiphany, Murtala first transformed himself before seeking to transform the nation. There can be no transformative agenda without self-transformation. You cannot be sovereign over others without being sovereign over yourself. If it is not too late, this is the lesson for our leaders. Another country is very possible..

November 25, 2012
Okon floors Father Kukah

(On the rise of Wa Jetzi}

Just about the time one has finished praising the country for a healthy development in one department, one is immediately confronted by unsavoury developments at a more worrisome level. This one is a superior mess because it hints at spiritual decay and utter debauchery in the church. There is already a concurrent armed critique of the state and a major religion going on at the moment. The contemptuous invasion and desecration of hitherto hallowed spaces of worship by armed hoodlums may well be the beginning of another brand of the same phenomenon.

Snooper has been monitoring the unholy kong-fu among men of God ever since Bishop Kukah detonated his grenade about the embarrassment of jet-setting spiritualists. The internet dogfight and proxy wrestling have seen supporters on both sides locked in a mortal clinch. For daring to upbraid their idol, some irate commentators have gone as far as dismissing Kukah himself as an AGIP. Temperance, my lords spiritual, temperance. In Kenya, it was the Wa Benzi or the Mercedes people. In Nigeria, it is now the church Wa Jetzi.

In a bid to write a long objective piece on this development, snooper has had to seek an advance permission from Bishop M.H. Kukah to quote portions of an earlier private exchange between the two of us to illuminate the perennial dilemma of the civil society activist transiting to state actor. When no response came, snooper sent a terse reminder which elicited the following response from the feisty father confirming that he never got the first memo. “Is this [Name of suspect withheld]……the Master and Slave driver of poor Okon? Perhaps the guy swallowed it as protest over poor pay.”

Like a practised spiritual insurgent, Bishop Kukah has set fire on snooper’s homestead, opening another front before one could subject him to a severe siege. Snooper has long suspected that Okon has some masters high up in the system who are urging him to declare a trade dispute. To the best of our knowledge, the boy enjoys free boarding and lodging, apart from generous stipends which allow him to indulge his satanic fancies.

It was an irate snooper that pursued the crazy boy to the kitchen the following morning.

“Okon, do you know Father Kukah?”:snooper demanded

“Chei, kai kai, Oga dem Ibo thief don beat man to dem title,”

“And whst is that supposed to mean?”, a furious snooper charged.

“Oga abi father cooker no be baba for all dem cook? Na dem title I wan take. But cook na cook. Na too know dey make dem Yoruba people dey call cook cooker. So na me be father cooker, But he get one Yoruba man for Surulere dem dey call Chief Kuku. Dat one he don cook sotey he don become chief”, the crazy boy retorted with mad relish.

“Okon, you are a fool. I mean Reverend Father Kukah, the Catholic priest”, snooper corrected.”,

“Ha oga, dat one for Costain for Kaduna? I sabi am well well. Na to my village for Itigidi him come run as dem Abacha wan kaput am. For dem early morning dem man they cry cuckoo, cuckoo as if dem Abacha don dabaru him head. Him say dem small bird wey dey protect him from Abacha na dem him dey call, but dem Oyinbo engineer come tell us say cuckoo mean say him head no correct again”, the mad boy sniggered

“Okon, Okon!!!! Father Kukah is condemning church leaders who buy planes,” snooper stated without excitement or flourish.

“Ha oga for that case, na only god of man fit save man from dem men of God. But na too know dey worry dem yaro Father. Wetin concern Kukah if dem holy people dey buy plane? No be dem plane dem go take reach heaven? If dem wan go reach god quick quick no be dem plane go take dem go? Dis Kukah man sef, na bad belle dey worry am. Abi him no sabi say when overseer don oversee too much him dey go overseas be dat?”

On that note, snooper quickly beat a disorderly retreat.

November 25, 2012
Appeal Court crisis: It’s a question of character

Since the suspension of the President of the Court of Appeal (PCA), Justice Ayo Salami, in August 2011 and the crisis that action unleashed, the National Judicial Council (NJC) has vacillated between wary avoidance of confrontation with the executive branch and studious reluctance to defend its independence and integrity. This may be because the judiciary is unlike a trade union or a political party where radicals and hotheads tend to dominate affairs and cultivate fame. The best that sometimes comes out from the judiciary resembling radicalism is what some legal scholars and analysts have nebulously described as judicial activism, a term even the late Justice Kayode Esho once questioned its appropriateness.

After sustaining the illegality of appointing and reappointing Justice Dalhatu Adamu as acting president of the Court of Appeal for a record five times of three months in each instance, much to the discomfiture of the NJC and stakeholders in the judiciary, President Goodluck Jonathan has eventually found a novel way of perpetuating that illegality and making it look and sound like progress and resolution. He has appointed Justice Zainab Bulkachuwa as the acting president of the appellate court. Reports indicate the appointment was based on the recommendation of the NJC. Were the eminent justices intimidated? Did their consciences not prick them? Unlike the serial reappointment of Justice Dalhatu, only one of which was approved by the NJC, Bulkachuwa’s appointment, it seems, followed the letter of the law.

Let us briefly remind ourselves of the genesis of the crisis in the Court of Appeal. After the March 2010 arrest of the Appeal Court’s (Sokoto Division ) verdict in the governorship election dispute between the Democratic Peoples Party (DPP) candidate, Alhaji Maigari Dingyadi, and the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) candidate, Alhaji Aliyu Magatakarda Wammako, a face-off ensued in which the PCA, Justice Salami, alleged unhealthy influence and unethical behaviour by the then Chief Justice of Nigeria (CJN), Justice Aloysius Katsina-Alu. The Salami allegation unleashed a maelstrom on the judiciary, leading the NJC to recommend to the president the PCA’s suspension. Both the NJC resolution, which was reportedly controversial, and Katsina-Alu’s readiness to cut NJC’s nose to spite its face in turn created more crises and disaffection within the body and armed the executive branch to unconstitutionally meddle in the affairs of the appellate court.

Not only has the Sokoto verdict stayed unprecedentedly arrested since 2010, making a mockery of justice in Nigeria and lowering the country in the esteem of the civilised world, politicians have managed to instigate court-ousted and disaffected governors in the Southwest to petition the manner their defeat in the appellate court arising from the 2007 elections in Osun and Ekiti States came about. It is also recalled that Justice Bulkachuwa, who is now the acting president of the appellate court, was involved in the Sokoto governorship petitions (which sat in Kaduna at the time) when, leading other justices, she gave a defiant denunciation of the shenanigans that accompanied the Wammako victory. Even though she denounced the subterfuge that procured victory that victory in the 2007 governorship election in a brilliant and stirring judgement, and that election probably triggered the main crisis in the appellate court, it is doubtful whether there is anything substantial she can do to reclaim the integrity of the court.

With the appointment of Justice Bulkachuwa, the message is clear. The presidency has somewhat temporarily salved its conscience long tormented by its disloyalty to the constitution. The presidency is not driven by a passion for justice or logic. It is driven solely by politics and by private and distorted expediency. At least, now, it has bought time, and may even have stumbled into some sort of less reprehensible solution, which rotating the presidency of the appellate court in acting capacity offers. All these manoeuvres are doubtless designed to prevent Justice Salami from regaining the court’s presidency, for he is rigid in favour of the law and indifferent to the blandishments of the ruling party or its bullying methods, and is arguably a veritable palladium of judicial rectitude and activism, if we can agree on the meaning of the term. After all, we recall that for more than one year after the Sokoto rerun in 2008, the then PCA, Justice Umaru Abdullahi, refused to constitute the appeal panel to hear the Dingyadi petition. Salami daringly did it soon after he became the PCA.

As embarrassing as the crisis in the appellate court is to everyone, especially a simple majority of the NJC, an overwhelming majority of members of the Court of Appeal, and the rest of the country, there may never be an administrative solution. Ignoring Katsina-Alu, his successor had made a determined attempt to redress the wrong. The Appeal Court, the sick physician, is powerless to cure itself. A vast majority of legal experts and practitioners watch in total helplessness, and tens of millions of Nigerians, minus of course the presidency, are left bewildered. But if there cannot be a solution to the mess in the appellate court, we must at least understand why. I do not think the lack of resolution has anything to do with lack of knowledge; we have enough brilliant minds to chart a way out. I do not think it has anything to do with political, legal or bureaucratic power; we have enough instruments to redeem the law and repair the damage to our image if we choose.

The problem, I think, is the lack of character in high office. When you observe a country drifting, it is because men of character have not assumed office. When you see a community, family or an organisation embracing expediency, do-or-die tactics, or Machiavellianism, it is because their leadership are unscrupulous, unprincipled, and even sometimes diabolical. The appellate court crisis endures because there are no people of character in critical and sensitive positions in the judiciary and in the presidency to make the difference – people who have a passion for the country, for justice, for humanity, and who have a great and lofty vision for the future. President Jonathan talks endlessly about patriotism, the rule of law, fairness, equity and justice. The Appeal Court crisis was the perfect opportunity to put his money where his mouth was when he assumed the presidency. He chose not to. More than that, he in fact muddied the waters further, encouraged himself in the unreasoned choices advanced by sycophants and court jesters, and engendered a situation that may undermine his legacy for life. It requires an unfathomable depth of understanding and character to appreciate these consequences.

Up till now, Salami’s predecessor, Justice Umaru Abdullahi, has not offered persuasive reason for not constituting the appeal panel in 2009 to hear the case arising from the Sokoto governorship rerun. Justice Dahiru Musdapher, on becoming the CJN, resolved to get Salami reinstated. We may never know what transpired when he and Salami presented themselves before Katsina-Alu, except to appreciate that it was his word against Salami’s when both gentlemen gave their versions of the then CJN’s attempt to influence the Sokoto governorship petition verdict. But Musdapher failed to achieve Salami’s reinstatement because even he recognised the behemoth he had to move to get the job done. He knew the president was ready to fight to sustain the injustice against Salami, and anyone who wanted a different outcome had to be prepared to fight to the death. If, as Salami suggested, Musdapher could not and did not fight Katsina-Alu, would it not be expecting too much to nudge him into an even bigger and messier fight with the president, especially a president not deterred by constitutional niceties and patriotic zeal, and the full weight of executive wrath?

When Justice Mariam Aloma-Mukhtar assumed office as the CJN, her genuine words and honest body language indicated she wanted to resolve the Salami stalemate. But with the recommendation by the NJC to the president to appoint Justice Bulkachuwa as acting president of the appellate court, that resolve seems to have collapsed. There does not seem to be any elbow room left for her or anyone else to manoeuvre. She and her fellow justices in the NJC and Federal Judicial Service Commission will have to stomach the continuing indignity of being treated shabbily by an imposing and excessive presidency. Katsina-Alu’s unprincipled and undignified actions played into the hands of the executive; now the consequences will linger far longer than the acquiescent justices in the NJC projected. Would to God a Ribadu had been CJN.

Now, how would a man of character resolve the logjam? Isn’t Palladium asking for too much, nay, the impossible? Indeed, what could Bulkachuwa do when neither Musdapher nor Aloma-Mukhtar could land even one limp blow on the presidency’s gloating face? First, I think a man of character could do so much, in fact limitless much. Second, I think Palladium is not asking for too much. It is when choices like these face a man in high office, and he makes the right call, that history is made. It is not Palladium’s fault that Jonathan and the justices that have yielded to his assault have no sense of history, not to talk of sense of a country’s great future. In any case there are two options. One is for Bulkachuwa to have declined the appointment based on the principle of not profiting from a moral and historical wrong. If she had taken this option, would there not have been countless others angling for the post and jumping at it if offered? There would of course be; though if in theory they all had a sense of history and all of them declined the nauseous offer, the president could not hope to keep the ineffective Justice Dalhatu for much longer without precipitating a major crisis capable of consuming even the presidency itself. Moreover, if Justice Bulkachuwa declined the offer and others accepted, it would be impossible for any apostate to conduct himself in clear conscience.

The second option is to accept the offer and hope that one’s meagre principles would suffice to give some fair amount of decent leadership to a distressed and reluctant, if not disoriented, Appeal Court. Since somebody has to take the position anyway, it is argued, better it should be taken by someone who can to some extent still call his soul his own. To decline the position and let it be taken by an arrantly acquiescent justice is to further push the beleaguered appellate court into the abyss. I suggest there is no one who would not tremble just considering how shorn of choices our country’s parched moral landscape has made us. It is indeed a reflection of our troubles that the Supreme Court did not have unanimity over this crisis, nor did the appellate court, nor did the NJC, nor most importantly did the presidency. As the judicial subterfuge to enthrone favoured judges in Kogi and Adamawa States a few years back showed, we are in far deeper trouble than we imagine.

I get very angry when we tamely excuse our failings, when we use extenuating circumstances to condone our lack of character, when we suggest joining a bad gang to activate reform from within that soulless bunch, when we use our perennial impecuniosity to justify our crass behaviour, and when because of our religious, ethnic and class preferences we colour arguments, deny truth and logic and pervert the cause of justice and fair play. I have no patience for Jonathan’s fancy footwork on the Court of Appeal crisis; and I am not amused by the depth of infamy the justices have made us to plumb, nor of the consequences their betrayal will bring upon us and future generations.

November 25, 2012
Constitution: are citizens buying a lemon?

Is there any good reason for the National Assembly to prefer input from civil society and professional groups to that of citizens?

Nigerians had bought a lemon (of a constitution) in the past. In 1999, they went to the polls to elect a post-military government without seeing a copy of the constitution that was designed to guide the doings of the government of Obasanjo and other civilians that succeeded him. The 1999 Constitution that surfaced at the swearing-in ceremony turned out later to be like a vehicle that constantly gives problems or even stops running after it is driven away from the car dealer’s lot.

The joy of the constitution so far is that it has only been giving problems constantly without having to stop working, thanks to the fact that those who make a living to protect it have made tremendous effort to do until the law of importunity from citizens’ call for a new constitution caught up with them. However, the executive and legislative branches of the federal government, the real owners of the current constitution, have grudgingly recognized the constitution has problems that need to be fixed. But the federal government’s reluctance is still evident in legislative efforts to efforts amend the constitution. The just concluded public hearings across the six regions or zones (yet to be recognized in the constitution) illustrates federal government’s partial acceptance of citizens’ demand for a new constitution with direct input from citizens. It now appears that, if citizens are not extra vigilant, the amended version of the 1999 Constitution may turn out to be inferior to what is expected.

Given the nature of last week’s public hearings and the tone of the President and leading members of the National Assembly, it is not uncharitable to say that consultations with the citizenry are designed to be cosmetic or symbolic. Last week, legislators devoted not more than eighteen hours to listening to their selected or preferred audience: Civil Society, Interest Groups (whatever that means), Professional Bodies, and other interested persons. The order of the list of invitees indicates that citizens are marginalized, particularly if “Interested Persons” is meant to refer to citizens. Constitutions are not made principally for civil society organisations and professional bodies. They are largely made for citizens. Professional bodies and civil society leaders are not direct or mandated representatives of citizens. It was the citizens and the lands they inhabited in the Colony of Lagos, the Northern and Southern Protectorates that were amalgamated in 1914. It was the citizens of the country through their representatives that obtained independence from the colonial master in 1960, not just civil societies and professional groups.

It is amazing that the federal legislature chose to give civil society and professional groups primary attention at the expense of citizens, the owners of the country and embodiment of its sovereignty. Despite frantic efforts by legislators to claim to be the first set of lawmakers to consult citizens in respect of constitution making, the relegation of citizens’ direct input at the recent public hearings suggests that citizens are tagged at the end of the list principally to add some legitimacy to the National Assembly’s decision to address over 20 distinct items in a constitution that citizens prefer to be replaced, rather than retouched. Any constitution that requires over 20 items to be amended must be a flawed one. And all frantic efforts of the presidency and the legislature to avoid a constitutional conference are not as opaque to citizens as those in power think. Lawmakers need to read Senator Femi Ojudu’s recent lecture at Obafemi Awowolo University on the country’s constitutional journey since the 1940s, to know that Nigerians had in the past elected delegates to participate at constitutional conferences on their behalf.

Is there any good reason for the National Assembly to prefer input from civil society and professional groups to that of citizens? Civil society and professional groups are essentially elite groups. Like the media, civil society organisations committed to democracy are in a good position to act on behalf of the citizenry. But none of them can boast in any country to be acting with direct mandate from citizens. The voice of civil society and professional groups should be in addition to that of citizens, not in lieu of it.

Without doubt, citizens are able to see through resistance at every level of the federal government to refer any of the amendments they make to a referendum. Both the National Assembly and the Presidency are quick to ward off demands for a referendum to ascertain citizens’ wish. The argument that the National Assembly has no authority to refer its amendments to a referendum because there is no provision for plebiscite in the current constitution is not strong. Isn’t the same legislature asking for amendments to provisions on state creation and constitutional amendment? Nothing should stop lawmakers from making provisions for a referendum and asking citizens to voice their acceptance or rejection in a plebiscite.

There is a subtle attempt by those controlling the process of amending the current constitution to create distractions that can justify insignificant amendment at the end of the day. Emphasis on state creation represents such distraction. Local leaders seeking power and privilege are already falling into the trap that can lead to derailing of the amendment in a manner that re-echoes the effect of Obasanjo’s tenure elongation. Obasanjo’s attitude to the 1999 Constitution was not different from Jonathan’s, just as the attitude of the legislature during Obasanjo’s tenure did not differ from that of today’s National Assembly. In principle and contrary to citizens’ perspective, both groups believe that there is no problem with the 1999 Constitution and that the problem facing Nigeria is how to keep it united.

There is a need for more sincerity between the federal government and the citizens regarding persistent calls for a people’s constitution. Two days of public hearings between legislators from each region in a city far from most citizens in each region may not go far enough to sustain the unity that our country needs direly. Nigerians cannot afford to buy a lemon again.

November 25, 2012
Re: Azikiwe and the unifying question

Bode George should stop his spurious tales

Chief Olabode George, Atona Odua of Ile-Ife and one time PDP poster boy in the South West, is a colourful politician any day not minding that he has lost something of his erstwhile bravura. He has, since his return from abroad about a fortnight ago, a non event but which witnessed the usual uniform wearing ensemble, massed again at the Lagos International Airport to welcome home, the man whose generosity to the party’s womenfolk as Chairman of the Nigerian Ports Authority was legendary.

He has since taken off where he left; keen this time on winning back some lost ground in a party which Chief Obasanjo has predicted may soon be history in Lagos State.

I digress.

Bode’s starting point this time around was his authorship of an article entitled ‘Azikiwe and the unifying question’, which was, essentially, a coy critique of the A C N government in the state.

Bode George and I have a few things in common. We were contemporaries in the Nigerian university system, he in Lagos, and I at Ile-Ife at a time when it was trendy to be involved in student activism and we both were to some degree. But more germane to this discuss, we had a particular teacher in common, he while at Ijebu Ode, and I, at the University of Ife. And that happens to be my most admired university teacher ever: Dr Segun Osoba, the clear-headed socialist scholar per excellence, who taught my Philosophy of History as well as Diplomatic History, and would later pair with Dr Bala Usman, another equally hard-headed radical historian now of blessed memory, to author a minority report on the 1975-76 Constitution Drafting Committee (CDC). I imagine that till today, Dr Osoba sees Bode George as a witheringly brilliant person. Unfortunately, beyond the beauty and fluidity of the article under reference, I searched in vain for Bode’s brilliance or the cold logic you would have ordinarily expected in a critique of that nature.

You read the article, especially his suggestions and all you find is a Bode George desperately running away from his shadows; from the essential Bode George Nigerians have come to know ever so well whether way back as Ondo State governor – remember ‘a Lagos boy passed through here’, and yes, he did; or as the top PDP chieftain who must occupy the pride of place as the actualiser of Obasanjo’s convoluted, swashbuckling, military-like, vice- grip on South-West Nigeria, not to talk of his emperor-ship of the Nigerian Ports Authority; a tenure which would later earn him an indictment.

For instance where is the Bode George we all know, the one whose party must capture all opposition states in the following extract from his homily ?

‘Let us eschew the politics of hate. Let us embrace the selfless credo of our founding fathers who insisted on unity in diversity. Let us move forward with common purpose and common vision of raising the Nigerian ideal beyond the transient predication of the moment. Let us look beyond the crass advantages of personal gains. Let us all resolve that the ultimate essence of governance is to serve the interest of the people. The wise political leadership must listen and learn. Leadership cannot and must not impose itself in odious hubristic indifference’

For Bode to be taken seriously, he must first apologise to my dear friend, Senator Seye Ogunlewe, the party mate he attempted serially to trample over , and then go back to the Source, where happily he holds a title, to apologise publicly to the entire Yoruba race for all the evil he visited on a peace loving people serving as nothing more a political actualiser.

To properly grasp the true meaning of actualiser, just remember Ashiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu as FINDER, and, Governor FASHOLA as the ACTUALISER of the massive, multi-sectoral infrastructural development we see today in Lagos State and which without a doubt owes its very beginnings to Tinubu’s far-sighted government. In contradistinction, is the complete putrefaction of every facet of our road infrastructure, education, health care services etc, in Yoruba land during their decade old strangle hold. As you read this, Ekiti has not completely outlived the duo’s patented conspiracy to make the state a colony on which they could inflict military administrators if they so elect. That was their plan since they never believed the day would ever come when their man would ever cease being the suzerain over the entire country. Nor are they done yet, as their government in Abuja recently withdrew the police orderlies of key functionaries of the state government in tandem with their latest conspiracies against Ekiti. But they can be sure they will labour in vain because, for once, Ekiti people can see peace and development unlike what was their lot in the past decade of complete mayhem.

Just like the PDP has done fruitlessly over the years, demonising every effort of successive Lagos State government, including over the Lekki – Etiosa- Epe Toll Road, which today ranks, even under construction, as one of the best of its type anywhere, Bode’s primary aim in his Azikiwe treatise was to make political capital out of the new Lagos State Traffic Law.

So, let us hear his jeremiad: ‘The hounding and savaging of the poor Okada riders should be of interest to all of us regardless of our position in society. The elites who shrug their shoulders amid the pains and sufferings of the helpless Okada riders will eventually be consumed by the end result of this primitive policy. Sooner than later, these hundreds of thousands of unemployed young men will invariably stray into some illegal activities in their desperation to make ends meet. And who will blame them when their livelihoods had been taken away from them by Fashola?’

It is nothing short of shameful if this is all a man who had for over a decade tried to be king maker in the state could see in the new law. It is beyond him to see its sanitising effect just as young men, from all over Nigeria, will no longer be carried in body bags to their villages, victims of horrendous Okada accidents.

In his article, Bode tried to exploit ethnic cleavages hoping thereby, to increase the stock of a party that is dying out of self-immolation, among the non- Yoruba demographics in Lagos. But the people he wants to scare and scam are by no means fools.

Where else in Nigeria do the Igbo have better acceptance and reception than in Lagos in the entire country today? He probably needs be reminded that whereas Igbos lost property in nearby Port Harcourt during the civil war they, the very rich father of Chief Emeka Ojukwu inclusive, had their property protected and where rents were earned, were promptly handed back to them on return. The number of northerners, of all classes in Lagos today, says something of the friendly and accommodating nature of the state government and the people.

Unfortunately, however, for attention seekers like Bode George – he praised Zik to high heavens- it is difficult to see that for a humongous city like Lagos, okada cannot in any sense be regarded as a reasonable or sustainable means of transport especially with young Hausa riders, barely 18 years old, paying more attention to their ubiquitous radios than to other road signs or other road users. And they are in their thousands in Lagos. Nor could he bring to bear on his analysis the fact that the Lagos State government is offering better alternatives to genuine Okada operators. Among such opportunities are skills acquisition for those with the capability since the state has about 16 skills’ acquisition centres. Also available are openings in the state’s farm programme which is spread even farther afield into places like Ogun, Abuja, Osun while the government is seeking to extend it to Benue which could, in fact, bring some of these individuals nearer their states of origin. Additionally, all the 57 Local Governments and Local Council Development Areas, LCDAs, which Lagos PDP and their Abuja minders did everything to kill then, under the aegis of The Conference of Chairmen of LGAs and LCDAs, have offered to provide soft loans to the affected operators to enable them key into the transport master plan of the state government..

Given the facts of the matter, Bode’s scare tactics is DOA -Dead On Arrival. He should, therefore, look for other tales to weave.

November 25, 2012
Old soldiers and loose cannons

When is political criticism beyond the pale? Is former President Olusegun Obasanjo’s criticism of government’s handling of Boko Haram the unforgiveable sin?

Former Head of State, General Yakubu Gowon, has added a new dimension to the controversy over comments made by former President Olusegun Obasanjo, suggesting that incumbent President Goodluck Jonathan’s handling of the Boko Haram insurgency leaves a lot to be desired.

Speaking mid-week at a book launch in Lagos, Nigeria’s war-time leader said: “Obasanjo is highly irresponsible to have made such comments about the present government. Many people have condemned what he (Obasanjo) did in Odi and Zaki Biam. So, it was irresponsible for him to defend it or accuse the present administration.”

For a man widely regarded as mild-mannered, genial, not given to controversial utterances – except where they have to do with Biafra and genocide – this was uncharacteristically hard-hitting.

At the same event, Nigeria’s doyen of accounting, Mr. Akintola Williams, similarly took the position that Obasanjo could have been more circumspect. “I am sure if he considers his statements, he would not say such things. I would have expected him to observe complete silence, especially commenting on offices now held by somebody else other than himself.”

After last weekend’s intervention by Jonathan in which he described the military invasion of Odi as an unmitigated disaster which resulted only in the deaths of old people and children, the controversy has now snowballed beyond analysing Obasanjo’s methods, to discussing the etiquette of political criticism.

Conventional wisdom suggests that it is bad form for predecessors to openly criticise their successors in such high offices of President or Prime Minister. Although this is a widely accepted convention, it is not law. There is no rule of thumb anywhere.

Former United States President George W. Bush virtually disappeared and hardly ever made a comment during the first four years of Barack Obama’s presidency. Similarly, former British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, hardly said a word about his successor, Gordon Brown’s stewardship – even when it was becoming apparent that he was about to truncate the Labour Party’s long tenancy in No. 10 Downing Street. When he did speak out in his memoirs, it was to score his performance as Chancellor and an irritant second-in-command.

Across the border in Ghana, Jerry Rawlings and his politically-ambitious wife, Nana, often exchange brickbats with the successors to the flamboyant former military ruler.

But before you jump to the conclusion that former military rulers given to dictatorial ways do not understand civility, then consider the fact many predecessors don’t shrink from laying into successors in certain countries running the parliamentary system. Examples like Israel, Pakistan and Italy, to name a few, are relevant. Again, it could be down to the temperament of the people and country.

I guess individuals have to decide what they want. You can choose to play the statesman who stays above the fray, or elect to be an influential but partisan power broker. Obasanjo would like to have the best of both worlds, but his temperament always causes him to slip of his perch on any sort of high ground.

Although Gowon has called the former president’s criticisms of the Jonathan administration’s handling of security issues ‘irresponsible’, there are many who are happy that a high profile figure like Obasanjo is ventilating in the public square what they’ve been moaning about in their homes, bars and offices.

When this sort of exchange happens we hear talk of how the former president could have expressed his views through the “usual channels” – rather than making statements that “overheat the polity.”

Truth be told: the polity is already suffering from heat stroke. One more pungent comment is not going make things any worse.

I suspect that when persons of the caliber of our former heads of state – their personalities and temperament notwithstanding – beginning to criticise their successors so publicly, frustration at lack of access, or inability to get their message across may be at the root.

People like Obasanjo have long since renounced popularity, and would say what they want irrespective of whether Gowon or some other eminent person approves. He would also be aware that if lack of access is the problem, things are not going to be made better by pungent comments that undermine the credibility of the government.

So, it could be one of two things, and we should be careful not to rush to any conclusions. In the days of the military regime of former President Ibrahim Babangida, Obasanjo famously spoke up to denounce the regime’s mismanagement and dictatorial ways.

At a time when the vast majority of voices had been silenced by fear, his intervention was not wise from a personal point of view. His utterances were the swiftest way to jeopardise access and patronage.

On the face of it, a supposedly democratic setting offers greater freedom for expressing contrary opinions. However, given the centrality of government in our society, the business of criticising and opposing the powers-that-be has never been more unattractive. Speaking truth to power is now an undertaking for only those who have burnt every bridge leading to Aso Villa or some state government house.

Obasanjo’s intervention while not elegant, or correct, could be viewed as bold and patriotic. Those who demur are free to argue that it is nothing but one more sop to a gargantuan ego.

Although this back and forth between the former president and the incumbent hardly tells us anything we don’t already know about their character, it is further evidence of the chasm that now separates the one-time allies.

It is also a signal of the looming civil war in the ruling Peoples’ Democratic Party (PDP) as the scheming gathers steam ahead of the 2015 election season. All the pointers are that Jonathan’s greatest booster in 2011 would do everything in his power to frustrate his second term bid.

Again, the exchanges throw some light on the nature of interpersonal relationships within the exclusive club of Nigeria’s former rulers. Gowon is the most senior of the lot – having been head of state in the Civil War years and head of the defunct Supreme Military Council (SMC).

Anyone who has taken the pains would have noticed that on several occasions, Gowon has taken it upon himself to be the one to take Obasanjo down a peg or two. Where many who are practicing politics presently may be intimidated by the profile of the former president, Gowon who was OBJ’s boss suffers no such affliction.

Calling another former head of state “irresponsible” is not only overly aggressive, it is not diplomatic. The comment just reeks of underlying animus.

But then it will take more than that to stop a man who has had drag down public fights with virtually all his colleague former heads of state.

November 25, 2012
The limits of freedom

The Bauchi State Government recently sacked a staff of the state Ministry of Finance and Economic Development, Abbas Faggo, over his comments on Facebook about alleged corruption in the state.

Before Faggo was sacked, the state Attorney-General and Commissioner for Justice, Mr. Almustapha Suleiman, had asked the police to investigate and prosecute him for the alleged Facebook publication, which he described as “injurious falsehood and defamation to Yuguda’s administration.”

Faggo should have known better that as a civil servant he was taking a big risk by openly criticising the state governor on a controversial issue like corruption, which will be hard for him to prove. Based on the oath of secrecy which civil servants swore to, civil servants, except when authorised, are expected to be seen and not heard.

The above case raises the issue of how the citizens who are not professional journalists should exercise their freedom of expression on the social media and other online platforms.

Even for professional journalists, there are codes of ethics which they are expected to abide with. The code addresses among others, the need for fairness, balance and objectivity in reporting. It requires journalists to crosscheck their information, avoid raising false claim and not invading the privacy of people they are seeking information from. Journalists are not supposed to obtain information through unethical means.

When journalists disobey the ethics of the profession or media laws like libel, they either get penalised by their professional bodies or sued along with their media houses by aggrieved parties.

It is against this background that one gets worried that online platforms are being abused by some people all in the name of freedom.

All kinds of unverified allegations are circulated online against not only government officials but other citizens who have to battle hard to state their sides of the story. While some of the citizens-journalists like Faggo are bold enough to use their real identity, others adopt false names.

Even in responding to published stories on some websites, many people find it difficult to use civil language when they disagree with a point of view. They indulge in name calling and sometimes use abusive language.

As an online Editor, I usually spend hours going through comments. There is the erroneous impression that freedom to express oneself is freedom not to respect the right of the other person.

Some comments are insensitive and one cannot but wonder why people who write them are not conscious of the need not to abuse the opportunity they have to express their views.

When the deaths of some top personalities were announced, some readers don’t have any problem with abusing the dead and their families. The President makes a statement and some angry writers want websites and blogs to publish their responses calling him a fool.

I support freedom of expression but what should be clear to citizen-journalists is that they should express it with the highest level of discretion. Faggo should have left his name out of the Facebook posting instead of being unnecessarily daring and getting sacked. When we get any report, our first action should not be to put it on our Facebook wall or tweet it. When things happen around us, especially accidents, the first thought on our mind should not be to take picture and share it on social media.

Freedom without limit can be abused and is being abused in the country now. It should not take security officials to call anyone to order. People should learn to know what to write on, how to write and when to write.

November 25, 2012
Nigeria after Boko Haram

Given its rage and capacity to cause maximum damage, not to mention the tough talk of its leaders, will there ever be Nigeria without Boko Haram? Is there any chance that one day the guns of the Islamist sect will stop booming and its bombs silent, the energies of its leaders and suicide bombers channelled to healthier ventures?

My answer is yes.

True, the group has terrorised the country enough for everyone to take it very seriously. Tons of blood is continuously spilled. The dead victims are gone, never to contribute anymore to the growth of their families or country. For survivors, life will never be the same again after their encounter with the sect. Many may never walk again. As for property lost, it can only be measured in billions, perhaps, trillions. Boko Haram has also caused all sorts of problems for government across the board, the security community and virtually everyone else. Relentless terror has taught public officials to have a healthy fear of the group, just as day-to-day life has substantially changed, especially in the North.

Still, a post-Boko Haram era is possible, whether government succeeds in crushing it or the group, by itself, refrains from its acts.

But I have an enduring worry: are we preparing for that peacetime? You can grapple with the tensions and challenges of the moment, even manage to contain them (as the military do), but there is more work to be done. Preventing a repeat scenario of those tensions and challenges is where the ultimate victory lies. That is the peace era, defined not merely by momentary cessation of violence but by the sustenance of law and order and mutual respect for one another. Peace era stimulates creativity, productivity and growth. Is the Jonathan administration merely working towards the end of Boko Haram, or is it looking to evolve sustained peace?

Niger Delta militancy in the last decade is a relevant scenario. Like Boko Haram, it started with isolated cases of disorder before it got everybody in the region and beyond worried. Before we knew it, not only oil facilities were being blown up, nor were expatriate workers the only targets and victims of kidnappers; local chiefs, grandpas and grandmas and their grandkids were being taken too, to be ransomed at handsome fees. Naturally, business activities declined in the region, to take root beyond our national borders. And then President Umaru Yar’Adua came along, succeeding to get the region’s fighters to lay down their arms and embrace amnesty. It worked. Tensions cooled and, to boot, some of the former militants have been trained in entrepreneurship skills to help them get a life worth the name.

Yet, and this is my major concern, I do not think government has really come to grips with the issues that remotely caused or precipitated the militancy in the first place. Life in the oil-rich delta is still pretty much unflattering. Several communities are left without power, clean water or any viable means of livelihood. Many areas lack schools of any kind, and where they are available, are not worthy of the name. Regional soils and waters are despoiled, leaving residents with few sustenance options. The Jonathan administration can look beyond the amnesty-induced peace and work towards evolving enduring harmony propelled by capacity-building and growth. The rehabilitated ex-militants represent a tiny fraction of the Niger Delta population, much of which live in abject poverty. Resolving infrastructural challenges will help to check gloom in the region. In other words, the government merely looked to contain the militancy, which it did, but has failed to create an environment that will be sustained on growth based on needs met, not on fires put out.

The Boko Haram matter should be approached from a wider, more comprehensive perspective. So far, government’s response is not flattering. Predominant assessment is that it is not doing enough to halt the sect. The move by the Jonathan administration to stop the United States government from designating Boko Haram as a terrorist group has also worsened matters. But I think that, one way or another, the terror reign will end someday; how that will happen is beyond me. Yet, one question remains: what happens after the guns and bombs of the sect cease? Beyond politics and rhetoric, has the Jonathan administration assessed the factors that gave rise to the emergence, and ferocity, of the sect and mapped out strategies to contain them? Is neglect of the people one of the reasons? Is infrastructural challenge another? What about youth unemployment?

I have argued in this space that the federal government does not need to create a Ministry for the North to pacify Boko Haram, my position being that such creations are largely political and have very little positive effect, anyhow. The Niger Delta Ministry has changed little in the region. Still, there is a lot a federal government can do to solve problems and stimulate growth in the states. Apart from initiating and executing its developmental programmes, it can inspire the state governments to drive growth and put their people out of misery. To inspire, it must shed party toga. Its intentions must also be transparently genuine and the president must be fatherly and above board. He must be courageous, with an eye on enduring legacy.

That is one way to prepare for a post-violence era and make way for the emergence of a new Nigeria.

First published on August 19 under the title ‘Are we preparing for post-Boko Haram era?’

November 25, 2012
Time to remember: the powerful elixir of Kasagoff, Aloe Vera, Cocoa, Moringa, etc

Some things are really not worth remembering, such as the taste of bad food, Nigerians’ bad manners, selfish politicians, and the exact figure of my age

I have watched, in fascinated horror, as Nigerians have moved their tastes and obsessions from one product to another claiming to hold the secret to long life. The list is endless: try Kasagoff to Aloe Vera to GNLD to Forever Products to Garlic to Cocoa, and now to Moringa! If I have not spelt any well or forgotten some, please forgive me but I am no less struck by the very powerful effect they have on Nigerians. I have seen them all quake and swoon in real, unfeigned ecstasy as they have sworn with finger put to mouth and then pointed upwards on the total efficacy and life extending capability of each of these products. They have sworn on each one in turn. And I have sometimes joined them.

Once, a long time ago, after newly moving into my house, I was anxious to show a guest the fascinating points and contours of the house. As he stepped into my compound, however, I lost him. Oh no, he did not disappear before my eyes, no; but as soon as he laid his eyes on the Aloe Vera plant reluctantly growing close to the gate of the house, he lost his reason. Oh my God, he screamed, you have this plant?! You have this plant?! Somebody recommended it to me to treat my hypertension and I have been looking all over for it. So you have it? Can I take some of it with me, please can I? I had never seen such loss of control over a plant, so who was I to stand in the way of that worship?! Of course, he could take the whole thing, for in all honesty, I could then no longer remember why I had planted it. I think that amnesia occurred as soon as I experienced the bitter taste of the Aloe Vera. I never have tried it again.

I think that’s it. I was looking for a cure for my penchant for forgetfulness; it was not even much then, now of course it is even stronger. Then, I really thought the earth was going to fall when I would go to the market and remember only half my shopping list, loan people money (there is no amount of pentothal truth serum you give me that will make me talk: I will not name names) and forget to collect it back, fail to remember the right figure of my age, find the right word to describe the rambunctious behaviour of the urchins in my care, or worse, cook and forget to eat. The last one was the most worrisome and I felt it needed some drastic action. So I discreetly made enquiries because you cannot go around bragging ‘Look people, I find that I am now growing forgetful, what’s the remedy?’ God help you if your students overhear you.

Anyway, I made enquiries about the best way to tackle forgetfulness and someone recommended the plant Aloe Vera. What is that? I asked. It is a wonder plant, I was told. It can cure everything. Seriously, I laughed, everything? Oh yes, it is even better than Kasagoff, I was told. Now, what is that? I think at that point, my respondent got tired, of my ignorance that is, not of me. Get Aloe Vera, she said. And that is how I came to plant it.

As soon as I did, like the inexperienced farmer I was, I expected the blessed plant to sprout but I had to be patient awhile. After being tardy on the job during which my memory continued to decline to the point that I perpetually had to be looking for my slip-ons, it eventually brought something out for me to try. That was when I discovered that its bitter taste could probably induce more forgetfulness. Promptly, I went back to my source. Are you sure this plant works because all I can remember is its bitter taste. Perhaps, my source irreverently suggested, your forgetfulness is too strong for the plant. Try GNLD or Forever products. Maybe those ones can assist a chronic case like yours. Now what on earth are those? Well, my source patiently explained, they are also elixirs for regenerating youthfulness in every way, including even your memory. It regains lost youth better than King David’s fresh blood.

No, someone else firmly countered, let her try garlic. Seriously, again I laughed, garlic? Yes, I was told. Garlic is the cure-all product. No wonder, I thought I could perceive a pungent odour coming from the direction of the speaker but I could not place my nose on it exactly. So, I nodded, that is the secret to long life and the foul smell. I declined; I felt there was just no way any life constantly exposed to that smell could be around for too long.

Then I heard about Cocoa. Straight I went to make enquiries. Cocoa, claimed the marketers, could fulfil just about any wish you placed before it. In short, it could stand in the way of a failing memory. So, feeling coins loose and fancy free, I purchased me a packet, took a swig and found myself nursing the mother of a headache. Could that be my memory flooding back? I took another swig and experienced a repeat performance. I was sure I had not forgotten that much, so, once again, I found myself in the market. That was when I heard about Moringa.

Moringa, I was told, has the capability to do so many things in the body the scientists are still out on the list. I was concerned about memory. All you have to do, I was told, is eat the leaves. Feeling much like a goat, I set to work. That was when I discovered that there is an association of Moringa growers, there are conferences on the intricacies of the plant, and there are regular meetings of the growers. I wondered if I needed to ask if there is an association of Moringa eaters so I could ask them some questions.

Anyway, after being tossed to and fro fruitlessly seeking the elixir of youth and youthful memory, I have been constrained to asking myself: whatever happened to eating right and doing right by one’s neighbours? I hesitate to conclude that Nigerians are gullible; indeed I would not go so far as to say that. I would simply say that Nigerians are too anxious to find quick fixes or solutions to their health problems. While many amongst us are educated and even lettered, I have been forced to conclude that in many of us, that education ‘don’t mean a thing’. In some cases, the more educated we are the more perverse we are in our thinking. This is why it is possible for even a professor to be defrauded into thinking that some special teas or trado-medical brews or passing fads in drinks or plants can cure diabetes. It is also why it is possible for someone to believe that one can stay young forever on these products. Sadly, it is also the reason why people continue to lose a great deal of money that could otherwise be put to better use.

Truth is, dissipated living has its costs, and there are no quick fixes to regaining it. Lost youth can only be regained by regular exercises, eating right and thinking right, such as how to serve other Nigerians better. As for me, I have decided that my memory will work better when I don’t accost it with too much worry. In any case, some things are really not worth remembering, such as the taste of bad food, Nigerians’ bad manners, selfish politicians, and the exact figure of my age.

November 25, 2012