The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

  • When cows drink blood

    When cows drink blood

    THIS is, no doubt, the season of fire and fury. President Donald Trump is fighting desperately to defend his mental status. He says he is a genius. But, there are suggestions that the United States should draw from its rich directory of psychiatrists to settle the matter once and for all. Will that fly?

    In Nigeria, it is not an individual’s mental status that has become a subject of bitter acrimony. Some gunmen are on a bloody mission, killing and maiming. Are these herdsmen or madmen or herdsmen-madmen?

    Two governors are locked in a row over who is harbouring the gunmen. Benue State Governor Ortom, who was all tears the other day as he beheld the bodies of his compatriots felled by the bullets of the assailants, says the gunmen are camped in Nasarawa. Governor Tanko Al- Makura disagrees.

    When governors turn cry-babies and whine, we all know that the matter is, indeed, grievous. But who will console them? How will they be consoled?

    Cows have seized the beautiful countryside we all love to visit – clean, fresh air, the greenery and the sheer lushness of the grass; chirping birds and colourful insects perching on flowers – and threatening to march on towns and cities. Farmers are mourning their murdered loved ones and devastated farmlands. Crops that represent many months of sweating and toiling are being burnt. There are fears of food shortage.

    Flags are flying at half mast in Benue where workers will be on break today to undertake the grim but necessary task of burying the dead, including women and kids. They-73 in all- had dreams, big dreams – of a greater tomorrow, of bountiful harvests and good times, not of bullets, blows and blood.

    The government of Benue State is humbled and hobbled by the deadly paradox of a law that is expected to bring peace between herdsmen and farmers, but has brought misery on a scale beyond belief.

    The President has deployed police chief Ibrahim Idris to the trouble spot, even as two mobile policemen have just been killed. Isn’t this more than police work? Definitely, this is no rioting that requires batons, helmets and horsewhips. No. It is a war situation. Besides, are the police trained to operate in such a terrain?

    Ortom insists that the Miyetti Allah Kautal Hore cattle dealers are the brains behind the savagery. The group rejects the allegation, but it agrees that the anti-open grazing law sparked the bloodletting. So, who are the killers? Are they from outer space? Are they foreigners looking for territories to conquer for their cattle as claimed in some circles? If so, where are they from?

    Many are asking, what kind of cows are these that drink human blood? Are their minders genuine herdsmen or savage criminals preying on defenceless people? Is this the Fulani herdsman – quiet, a stick on his hand, a wide hat protecting his head from the scorching sun, a dagger in a leather scabbard, a water bottle and a small leather purse dangling from his shoulder – that we used to know?

    When and how did he become a kidnapper, a gentleman of the highway and a heartless bandit powered by a blind ambition to conquer and occupy another man’s territory? Who are those beating the drum to which he is dancing? Who arms him? Who trained him to handle sophisticated weapons?

    Those who are blaming it on Ortom are unfair. They say he should have asked his people to defend themselves. What powers do governors have in a skewed Federal system that is screwed up by an avaricious centre with a ravenous appetite? Governors are called chief security officers for nothing. They lack the muscle to enforce laws. Even the Commissioner of Police takes orders from Abuja.

    The canvass of blood is wide. It spreads to Taraba where many have been killed – no fewer than 55 are said to have been murdered last weekend. There are other places where grazing has turned into razing. Former Secretary to the Government of the Federation Chief Olu Falae was kidnapped on his farm. That was enough sign that we had a big problem on our hands. As usual, we just moved on after apprehending his abductors.

    What do we do? The problem requires quick, decisive action, which the government, unfortunately, has not taken or is slow in taking. The matter requires creativity, imagination and innovation. Who are our thinkers in government? Is it enough to just copy what is done overseas?

    Should every community begin to organise its own army?

    Ekiti State Governor Ayo Fayose was decked out in military fatigue yesterday. Surrounded by hunters bearing all manner of weapons – dane guns, cudgels, catapaults and all that – His Excellency asked everybody to get set for a likely herdsmen’s invasion.   Pray, what do we call this? Was that just another stunt? It is neither here nor there, but for sure this is more than hunting grasscutters and rabbits.

    Is the herdsman to blame? Agriculture Minister Audu Ogbeh says we are all to blame for neglecting him for so long. “I am sad to tell you that in the last 50 years, we may have done enough for the rice farmer… but we haven’t done much for the herdsman and that inability or omission on our part is resulting in the crises that we are witnessing today.

    “In Europe, every cow that is farmed gets a subsidy of six euros (N2,580) per day. We have done next to nothing for the cattle rarer here and as a result, their operations have become a threat to the existence of our farmers.”

    With due respect, this logic seems sickening. We are yet to recover the billions that went into the drain of nomadic education. Should the herdsman get special treatment to appease his cattle that drink blood?  What have we done for our doctors, soldiers, teachers, policemen, drivers, carpenters, engineers and other professionals? Should we now expect the day the almajiri will drop his begging bowl and pick up a rifle to deal with everybody for neglecting him? Who will carry the can of the army of thugs that politicians have always built?

    Ogbeh seems to have turned logic on its head. Isn’t this merely simplifying the problem? Escapism? Or can this so-called neglect be said to be a strong enough justification for the slaughter of innocents?

    Benue State has ordered every cattle farmer to have a ranch. The herdsmen do not like that. They want to keep roaming the land, destroying farms on which many communities lay their hope. Why are herdsmen against ranching?

    The Federal Government has proposed colonies. Is that the answer?

    We do not need to mend this problem; we should end it. Now.

    Some have suggested a beef boycott. This is also simplifying the knotty problem. A beef boycott will spark another problem. All manner of emergency nutritionists, gastroenterologists and pediatricians will spring up to pontificate on the negative effects of such an action on the health of adults and children not just in this generation but also the next– malnourishment, weakness, weight loss and all that. The effects will be couched in some esoteric jargons that will send panic all over the place.

    The government, ever quick to respond to emergencies of this nature, will organise seminars and workshops. Experts will be flown in to speak. Radio jingles and television adverts will follow, not forgetting the newspapers. Traditional rulers will be flown to Abuja to listen at such seminars. Village associations will be drafted in to join the campaign. We will be told that a nation without beef is doomed to fail. Thereafter, all will be quiet. We will return to beef. Then, the attackers, now better armed, will resume their fiendish campaign.

    Ah. What a country.

  • AD 2018: From my crystal ball

    AD 2018: From my crystal ball

    PULPITS are burning with the fire of predictions. Pentecostal giants are delivering their messages to guide the flock. Necromancers, sorcerers, tricksters, fraudsters and pranksters are also busy. The town is abuzz with predictions – and resolutions -for the New Year.

    Now that genuine religious patriarchs and matriarchs have spoken; charlatans, who claim to be that voice of the One crying in the wilderness, have been heard  and the pandemonium has subsided, it is time for “Editorial Notebook” to weigh in and reveal, for the benefit of the dedicated reader, what lies in the belly of the year.

    Here then, dear reader, are what to expect in the new year. First, the political scene. After all, many have called this the year of politics, in a veiled reference to the run-up to the 2019 general elections.

    The pressure on President Muhammadu Buhari to run will be more intense. The army of sycophants, including some cunning and corny governors, will grow. They will be more vociferous in their Buhari-for-ever campaign. Buhari and the  attentive public should ignore them. They are battling to feather their own nests.

    The President should ask himself some basic questions: How well have I done? Can my health carry on? Should I just go home and rest? Haven’t I missed my farm so much? What will my family’s stand be? Will my wife Aisha (bless another foray into months of electioneering?)  Phrase in brackets not clear.  Please review.

    Still on politics: Former Vice President Atiku Abubakar will continue to threaten to run. His opponents will be asking: Where is he running to? Who is pursuing him? Why? Those are, it should be noted, the soft critics.  The harsh ones will ask: is the seat for sale?

    Atiku, a man of uncommon zest, will soldier on. He will rally the youth and claim to understand how they feel. His battle to secure the ticket of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) will almost split the PDP.  Party leaders should pray for its survival. They should curse the spirit of deception and obfuscation, the type that sparked the Ali Modu Sheriff – Ahmed Markarfi leadership war.

    Some men will approach Atiku, asking to be hired at a fortune for a walk from Lagos to Abuja to back his ambition. He should not touch them with a long pole. They are as fake as Internet fraudsters.

    It will be the year of stunts and stunts men. No more will serious politicians be satisfied with devouring in public view corn-on-the cob from roadside vendors; many will transform themselves into hawkers of groundnuts, garden eggs, candy, phone recharge cards and all such stuff. They will be screaming for patronage in a manner that will lead many to think that they are mad. No. They are not. No need to rush at them. It is all in a desperate bid to identify with the masses.

    Rejoice, area fathers and area boys, roughnecks, bouncers, thugs and fake herbalists. It is your season; the season of politics, of expensive spiritual intercessions, of emergency publicists, of dubious advocates, of free cash and, of course, of free food and drinks.

    Senators will continue to resist Ibrahim Magu’s headship of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC). They will rework the EFCC Act, run a public hearing where Magu will be thoroughly scorned and maligned and, eventually, find a more suitable candidate to replace him– most likely a senator or a former lawmaker.

    There will be outrage. Activists will march. Ordinary folks will scream: “Ah senators!” Some will repeat those unproven allegations against the distinguished senators. They will describe the chamber as a conclave of drug barons, ex-convicts, pedophiles and crooks.  But fair is fair; who can handle the beat better than a man who has seen it all?

    In Ekiti, the PDP will be divided as Governor Ayo Fayose will insist on fielding his deputy, Kolapo Olusola, a professor of building technology. Many party chiefs will kick. They will claim to be the best to keep alive Fayose’s enviable legacies, including the magical vote harvesting formula, stomach infrastructure, that has got every Ekiti resident sporting chubby cheeks and protruding stomachs, their rotundity the envy of all.

    “Who is he?” they will be asking of Fayose’s candidate. Does he possess the talents – tailor, fireman, motorcyclist, cooked food vendor and more – that have distinguished Fayose among his peers? How many titles does he have? How many battles has he fought?

    Needless to say, Fayose will have his way, but the main election will prove a hard nut to crack.

    In Oyo, the “ewedu, gbegiri and amala” politics will return, pushing aside the present intellectual bent that has been much criticised as elitist and sectional. Why? Many devotees of the Adedibu School have joined the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC), bringing along many years of experience.

    More states will try to catch up with Imo, which will continue to make waves with its Ministry of Happiness and Purpose Fulfillment, erection of statues and demolition of troublesome markets. Unable to cope with the army of people from other states flooding Imo in search of happiness and fulfillment, Governor Rochas Okorocha  will mount a massive campaign that will be tagged “Imo First” or something like that. He will be fighting that all indigenes should first taste of this unique phenomenon that is drawing people as bees to honey.

    Akinwunmi Ambode’s image will keep soaring. The Lagos governor’s ambitious programmes will win global accolades. None shall match him. The opposition will find it hard to find a candidate to confront him. There will be a rash of groups campaigning for his return.

    Efforts to unite them will not work as more groups spring up like mushrooms.

    The Federal Government must move fast to stop cows from taking over our towns and cities, including Abuja. The animals have become the indisputable conquerors of the countryside. Gangsters posing as herdsmen will continue their bloody campaign, killing and maiming. The governors, helpless as usual, will console the bereaved, visit morgues and shed tears. They should wear bullet proof vests on such visits to deny the gunmen of snatching away a big trophy.

    Pressed to react, the Federal Government will issue a statement, sympathising with those who lost their loved ones and asking the security agents to go after the “perpetrators of the dastardly act”. It will threaten to turn the screw on them and bring “the full weight of the law” upon them. Their backers, the government will stress, will face the “full wrath of the law”. All will be quiet for a while. Then, another attack; a round of condemnation and tears. The old statement is whipped off the shelf, reworked and issued. All will be quiet – until another massacre.

    There will be the temptation to withdraw $1b from the Excess Crude Account to fight the criminals, but some governors, those who kicked against spending such funds on the anti-Boko Haram war and other security challenges, will rise. We should be careful as it all becomes a matter of academics and legal gymnastics.

    The Super Eagles will be at the World Cup in Russia. There will be a massive campaign to ensure that we make history as the first African country to win the trophy. The Nigeria Football Federation (NFF) will call for prayers – from people of all faiths and atheists.

    The odds are against our team, but the world will acknowledge that we have got talents. One thing: Minister Solomon Dalung should watch his tongue. No more “we qualified without conceding a goal” and such empty bathroom talks. Besides, he should ensure that the team is not declared missing (he claimed not to know their whereabouts of our team just before the 2016 Olympics in Brazil).

    Frontline entertainers P-Square will be under pressure from their heart broken fans, who will be begging them to reunite. Both sides will mount a massive verbal war.  After a while, the twins will announce that in the interest of their numerous fans, they are back together – strong and hot.

    On the foreign scene, North Korea will continue to get plenty of attention. Its leader Kim Jong-un will remain a pain in the neck for United States President Donald Trump. North Korea will forge ahead with its nuclear programme, testing more intercontinental ballistic missiles. Trump, in a series of tweets, will keep saying that the United States will not allow a nuclear power North Korea. Kim Jon-un will assure all that the nuclear button is right on his table, but he will neither be provoked nor tempted to press it. Trump will reply that his button is bigger than Kim’s. And the battle of wits and muscle flexing will go on ad infinitum.

    The year will end on a rather busy note. Motorists will be running around like sheep without a shepherd, hunting for fuel. Fares will rise. Airports will be jammed as harmattan – harsh, dry, dusty and cloudy – impairs visibility. The government will announce with magisterial aplomb that it has discovered those behind the perennial petrol shortage –  blackmailers. They will be warned to pull the brakes on their evil act or face the full wrath of the law for their “unacceptable” conduct. They won’t listen.

    In all, it will be an exciting year – all things being equal.

     

    Iron Mike Tyson and his new trade

    Mike Tyson
    mike-tyson

    BOXING great Michael Gerard Tyson has come a long way. World heavyweight champion – 50 wins (44 by knockouts) and six losses – ex-convict, film star, dad and darling of fans all over the world. He earned – and blew – $300m.

    Like many ex-stars, he couldn’t manage his success. He went to prison for rape. He lost his daughter and he started begging for roles in movies to avoid dying in penury.

    Now the “Iron man” has found a new trade – he has opened a cannabis ranch in California. The 40-acre property is in California City, a town with a population of just 15,000 people southwest of Death Valley. The ranch will be researching into clinical benefits of marijuana. Medical marijuana has been legalised in California in the past 20 years. Farmers will be taught how to grow the stuff in the Tyson Cultivation School. There are other facilities.

    The legend’s grass-to-grace story, which many won’t hesitate to describe as zero-to-hero and hero-to-zero, offers a big lesson to all who strive to excel. To remain a success is the real test of a successful men.

  • Yuletide blues

    Yuletide blues

    We saw it coming. It is an old trick that rarely fails. Cry wolf for some time, forge a scarcity, watch the people suffer as if we are at war, issue a long emotional statement of sympathy -and empathy – loaded with facts and figures on why a price hike is imminent and then, launch a big push for a new price.

    That has been the game in the past two or so weeks. A crushing petrol scarcity has marred what would have been for many an exciting Yuletide. How did we get here?

    Marketers have been demanding to be paid billions of naira for supplies made in those days of subsidy bonanza when every trickster, prankster and hustler in town was an oil and gas magnate. All you needed was to know somebody in the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) or in any of its subsidiaries; you were made for life – just by hawking some papers. Genuine and counterfeit traders were lumped together in a pool of sharks and barracudas tearing at one another. Bloody. In the end, the treasury bled and bled. We could no longer fund the bazaar. And here we are.

    As I was saying, the present situation followed the old pattern. Marketers launched a push for their money; the government replied with some pussyfooting around the matter and then senior oil workers threatened to go on strike. A great show of pacification began. By the time oil workers shelved their plan after much persuasion, a petrol scarcity had forced its way in.

    The NNPC hit the old, weary path of explaining the landing cost of petrol (N171.40 per litre), freight cost and all that. It spiced it up with the smuggling theory, stressing how our petrol has become smugglers’ favourite. They are attracted to it as bees to honey. Of course, there is also the extenuation of how a long, endless stretch that is our border can’t be policed. But, said the oil giant, a month’s reserve was sitting pretty in the depots. Besides, ships were on their way with petrol. We relaxed.

    Obviously enraged, those behind the scarcity – we may never know them, as usual – pressed the throttle harder. Petrol price hit N400 a litre. Filling stations shut down. Some opened in the dead of the night. One mounted a big pipe from its storage to the back of its filling station, dispensing the stuff at its own price. Many had been fleeced before the bubble burst. Black marketers seized the roads, making brisk business. Travel plans were shattered.

    Marketers returned to the fray. They said banks were after their property for not repaying their loans, the fate of their legion of workers was hanging in the balance and their depots were empty. They could no longer raise the cash to fund imports and NNPC had become the sole importer of petrol.

    The NNPC fought back yesterday, accusing  Depot and Petroleum Products Marketers Association (DAPPMA) members of owing the Petroleum Products Marketing Company (PPMC) N26.7b.

    Now that the message seems to have hit the right target, there seems to be some respite – in some cities.

    Why do we have to go through this cycle of anguish every year? Who are the big masqueraders behind the yearly scarcity? Why are marketers whose debts have been verified not paid? What is the state of our troubled refineries? Are DAPPMA members right  to blame it all on the NNPC – if it is true their members are owing the PPMC N26.7b? Why has this problem become part of us? Is corruption fighting back (pardon the “cliché”)? Why has the crash in oil price not reflected in petrol price? Will the oil sector ever get it right? Will anybody get punished for this?

    Trust Nigerians. Amid the despair, they found time to crack some ribs in the social media. There is the picture of a young man with a puffy face. His eyes are shut. His lips are swollen. He cuts a pitiable picture of a hit-and-run driver’s victim The caption: “I shouted ‘sai Baba’ at a filling station.”

    A car with the hash tag “I stand with Buhari” is being filled from a jerry can on the street. That drew some bitter comments from people who do not think the administration has done well. Of course, Buhari’s admirers picked up the gauntlet and gave it to them in equal measure.

    A 50-litre black jerry can of fuel is spruced up – ribbons and all – and presented as one of the items demanded for the bride price at a wedding.

    But the biggest comical relief of all did not seem to have worked. The Presidency had announced that a documentary on the soft side of the President would be aired on television. Some counselled that the timing was not right. Others asked how television sets would be powered to watch the documentary, considering the fact that public electricity remained unstable and fuel was scarce. The show went on. Then, the criticisms started pouring in–in torrents.

    Human side? Who has said the President is inhumane? How has this shown the President’s “human side”? Isn’t this a mere show of loyalty and panegyric on the aides’ relationship with the President? Where are his jokes? Is this the best way to tell the world that our President has a remarkable sense of humour? Where is the witty President who sent us reeling – and furious – with “my wife belongs to the kitchen, my living room and the other room”.

    When former Vice President Atiku Abubakar quit the All Progressives Congress (APC), Buhari dismissed it all in a jocular manner. He told party Chairman John Odigie-Oyegun: “I learnt that one of your prominent members resigned. Please, accept my sympathy.”

    There you have it: a parallel between former President Olusegun Obasanjo’s “I dey laugh o” when told that Atiku was planning to run. Buhari even poked fun at himself when he flashed that gap tooth, smiled and said: “I know people call me Baba Go-slow.”

    How has His Excellency reacted to any major calamity? Has he ever shed tears? How did he feel when his health became a challenge? What are those situations in which the soldier in him could give way?

    The documentary and the fuel crisis were not the only hallmark of what many have referred to as a dull Yuletide. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) said it was investigating how $48,485,127 was diverted at the Nigeria Social Insurance Trust Fund (NSITF) when Dr Ngozi Olojeme was chairman. A court granted the agency’s request to detain Mrs Olojeme for two weeks after which it plans to take her to court. Mrs Olojeme reportedly denied all the allegations against her and swore to defend her integrity in court.

    Then the EFCC claimed to have recovered 38 houses, which it believed belong to her. Before one could scream “incredible”, a court said she should temporarily forfeit the houses – until the matter is decided. We are holding our breath.

    Before we could make any sense of the EFCC-Olojeme matter, another story of graft on a gargantuan scale had grabbed the headlines. Some of former President Goodluck Jonathan’s aides are said to have shared N27b Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN) sales proceeds. The cash, it was reported, was meant for insurance premiums of disengaged PHCN staff. The matter is in court.

    Apparently shocked by the irrational behaviour of some of our leaders, the Emir of Kano, Muhammadu Sanusi, recommended that they should be tested for drug abuse. He spoke at a roundtable on “drug abuse epidemic in Nigeria”, organised by the Senate in Kano.

    Hours after the Kano talks, a video hit the social media. A senator in a simple “buba” and “sokoto”, a tray of groundnuts perching on his head, hawking on a busy street. He persuades motorists to buy his groundnuts. Dear reader, there is no prize for guessing who the senator-hawker is.

    I support the Emir. Some of our leaders need to be weaned off drug abuse. By the way, where is Senator Dino Melaye (Kogi West)? He should raise a point of order for a matter of national importance.

    So much for an exciting Yuletide.

     

    Again, Honours 2017

    By popular demand, we continue today to honour those compatriots whose actions have contributed to our collective wellbeing, lest they feel disenchanted to do more in the new year.

    Hajiya Aisha “Mama Taraba” Alhassan would easily have snatched away the trophy for Minister of the Year, considering her courage and forthrightness in speaking truth to power. But, the trophy isn’t hers.

    Take a bow, Honourable Minister of Youth and Sport Solomon Dalung . He knows his beat like the back of his palm. He recently said the Super Eagles qualified for the World  Cup without conceding a goal. Besides, said the minister, our stars do not need to train overseas to do well. Told of the decaying National Stadium in Abuja, Dalung said, “but we have repaired the swimming pool in Sportscity, Surulere, Lagos”.

    Despite the harsh criticisms of his mode of dressing – some said he looks like an excited door man; others said he dresses like a Civil Defence recruit awaiting his first set of uniforms – Dalung soldiers on. He is Minister of the Year.

    Abdulrasheed Maina, the Pension Task Force Team boss, was fired and declared wanted for alleged misappropriation of funds running into billions. He went into hiding. He suddenly returned, got reinstated and promoted – to the consternation of all. There was outrage. President Muhammadu Buhari moved in. He fired Maina and ordered a probe. Maina has disappeared again. When will he return?

    No doubt, Maina is Civil Servant of the Year.

    An unnamed girl is said to have stolen $40,000 from the Abuja office of the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF). She reportedly handed the cash to money doublers. How did an intern have access to the NFF’s vaults? Has the cash been recovered.

    It is incontrovertible; the unnamed girl is Intern of the Year.

  • Honours 2017

    Honours 2017

    It’s Christmastime. Never mind the harmattan – dry, dusty and cloudy – dampening the excitement of the season. Carols, concerts and carnivals are here.

    There seems to be a great rebellion against nature and the other odds – insecurity, hunger, collapsed infrastructure, kidnapping, robbery, fake drugs and petrol scarcity. Talk about the indomitable spirit of the Nigerian. There are big shows all over town.

    As the discerning reader may have noticed, “Editorial Notebook” has a tradition of honouring those compatriots of ours whose actions – or inactions – have made our country a better place. This year’s awardees have been chosen after days and nights of remarkable intellectual exertions. They are worthy in all ramifications.

    Where do we start from? The top, of course. Many who doubted the influence of an extraterrestrial force in the affairs of man have been ruing their fate, biting their fingers since President Muhammadu Buhari’s return from a 90-day overseas medical trip.

    There were dreadful rumours and reckless conjectures over his health. A governor swore that Buhari would not return alive. In fact, the governor said he was in possession of some exclusive pictures of the President on his sick bed, with his doctors throwing up their hands in abject capitulation.

    Some sources claimed that His Excellency had written an obituary. Besides, a verbal war of sorts almost broke out over the presidential seat. But God, not being human, debunked all the gloomy prognostications. Buhari returned hale and hearty. Needless to say, he has since been working with the energy of a soccer star.

    The governor buried his head in shame – for a long while – having suffered some kind of double jeopardy. He lost everything he had in the bank of credibility and a hefty sum of money, in dollars (according to the sources, aforementioned) to the vendors of the fake photographs.

    Take a bow, Buhari. You are, no doubt, the Patient of the Year.

    When former President Olusegun Obasanjo bagged a degree in Religious Studies, many were excited. He was slobbered with praises. But, Baba detests half measures. He enrolled for a doctorate degree. Just last weekend, he tucked a PhD Christian Theology into his bag of credentials after a 163-minute defence of his thesis at the National Open University of Nigeria (NOUN).

    The defence was conducted by eminent academics of many years standing. Asked by Dr Samaila Mande, who chaired the panel, to state why he should be awarded a PhD, Obasanjo, according to a report, said he had put in “enough study” and “intellectual rigours” to produce his thesis.

    A source close to a friend of a maternal uncle of one of the panel member’s brother, who pleaded for anonymity because he would not want to be charged with  divulging official secret, swore that the encounter was underreported. He said, for instance, that when a panelist noted that Obasanjo should be commended for being a diligent and obedient student, the former president frowned his face, raised his left hand and said gruffly: “Point of correction, oga lecturer, professor or whatever you’re called here. I’m no longer a student; I’m now a scholar. Please, get that straight. Only small boys are students. I’m a scholar. Now, continue.”

    Trust the academics, they would not be intimidated.

    I join his army of admirers in praising Obasanjo’s sense of mission – and accomplishment. Who else should be Student of the Year?

    Some have described him as inconsistent as the weather. Others have accused him of disloyalty. But nobody has said that former Vice President Atiku Abubakar does not know what he wants. They say he is ambitious and desperate. Isn’t it natural for a politician to be ambitious? Desperate? Yes; that’s no crime either. All because he quit the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) for the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) where he had been before jumping ship.

    Atiku has kept his eyes on the ball, despite the baseless criticisms. If he does not get the PDP ticket, he will simply return to the APC or find a party looking for a candidate. There are scores of them now. How else can consistency be measured?

    For staying firm, despite the vituperations of his opponents, Atiku is the Politician of the Year.

    Now a confession. It was difficult choosing the Governor of the Year, considering the wonderful performances of many state chief executives. The panelists, I am glad to report, found a way round it, ensuring that no member of this elite group will have cause to grumble.

    In the hot race were Rivers State Governor Nyesom Wike, Ayo Fayose (Ekiti), Nasir El-Rufai (Kaduna), Rochas Okorocha (Imo) and Yahaya Bello (Kogi). The prize would have easily been Wike’s for outsmarting his naïve opponents, who some day will accept that His Excellency has talents. They accuse him of ineptitude and non performance. Is it for nothing that many residents of the state have virtually forgotten the governor’s name, addressing him as “Mr Projects”?

    His opponents, who obviously are blinded by politics of the most virulent type, lay the blame for insecurity at his doorstep. They have forgotten that when killers struck in those early days of the administration, they carted away the heads of their victims. That has stopped. He was the force – financial and physical – behind the emergence of a new leadership in the troubled PDP.

    Wike did not get the prize. Nor Fayose, despite his landmark achievements. A man of numerous titles, he is “friend of the poor, leader of opposition, architect of modern Ekiti, the Osokomole, Irunmole to’nje dollar ati jollof  (the deity that eats jollof rice and dollars) and the Apesin Apagun Pote and more”.

    When it is all over in a few months, Fayose will be remembered as the one who showed Ekiti people exemplary love. An average Ekiti resident sports rosy cheeks and bulging tummies – courtesy of the state’s enviable policy of “stomach infrastructure”.

    When His Excellency announced his plan to kit 10,000 kids for Christmas, many thought they were dreaming. A source told me that the governor himself designed the dresses. We saw him on television the other day working a sewing machine, a tailor’s tape rule dangling from his executive neck and some aides cheering him on. The source confessed to some politicians that the tailors, dazed by the unprecedented order, were scared that they might fail to meet the deadline, but His Excellency lent them a hand. Unfortunately, he had to take time off the sewing machine–to attend the PDP convention and to protest the approval of $1b Excess Crude cash to fight insecurity, leaving the poor tailors to their own devices.

    The panelists awarded Fayose Designer of the Year.

    His opponents disparage him for not paying salaries and pensions–is he the accountant-general?–among other politically-induced complaints. Not a man to be threatened, Owelle Rochas Okorocha has soldiered on with his lofty programmes. He demolished the Ekeukwu market – an action his predecessors could not take for fear of reprisals. He mounted in Owerri several statues of eminent persons, including South African President Jacob Zuma, who has just lost his leadership of the African National Congress (ANC).

    Okorocha became the subject of invectives, scorned by an ungrateful populace. Then he created the Ministry of Happiness and Purpose Fulfilment, headed by no less a personality than his sister. Now, happiness has found a home in Imo and everybody is happy. Officials have been overstretched by the sheer number of people flocking into the state to partake of the happiness. All the kids born at this period of a great phenomenon are being named Happiness by their happy parents.

    I am sure, dear reader, that you will be happy to learn that Okorocha, orator, philanthropist, eminent politician and first class art connoisseur, is Governor of the Year – for his creativity and demystification  of  the office of governor as well as its workings.

    Now to the Lawmaker of the Year before those distinguished fellows feel neglected and disrespected. Who wants to risk being summoned and ordered to appear in full uniform?

    Naturally, the Senate President would have carried the day, but this is not about raising the gavel and banging the table. It was, I must confess, another tricky one.

    When distinguished Senator Isah Misau (Bauchi Central) accused the police high command of gargantuan corruption, the force fought back, alleging that he was a deserter. Adamant, Misau fired more missiles. All was quiet for a while.  Then, the police threatened to launch a legal battle against him. He then dropped the bombshell, accusing Inspector -General Ibrahim Idris of infidelity and infelicitous conduct.

    He made salacious allegations, some of them bordering on concumbinary and concupiscence. This being a family newspaper, it will not be nice to repeat them here.

    A Senate panel set up to probe the allegations got the wind taken out of its sail when the police bundled Misau before a court for alleged forgery and lying against the IG.

    For taking a bullet for the Senate, Misau is Lawmaker of the Year.

    Step aside, Davido, 2face, Falz , Wizkid, Banky W and others. New stars are here. Senator Dino Melaye’s critics have been most unfair to him and the good people of Kogi West, whom he represents. He has been called a thug, a philanderer, a rent-a-crowd merchant and a man with dubious academic credentials. Melaye has taken it all on the chin, showing his traducers that he has talents. Videos of the senator railing against his opponents have been a big hit on the Internet.

    But Melaye missed the Entertainer of the Year – narrowly.

    Step forward and take a bow, distinguished Senator Ademola Adeleke (Osun West)  Some have derided him for dancing like a teenager. Others say he looks like an overfed night club bouncer. He is yet to move any motion; nor has he seconded any since fate vaulted him onto the senatorial stage, his crtics claim.

    We have been regaled with stories of how the mere shaking of his vast backside has forced the presiding officer to bring down the gavel whenever the senator stands up to talk. Besides, many are learning new dance steps by watching the senator’s videos.

    Senator Ademola Adeleke is the indisputable Entertainer of the Year.

    A post script:: there are indeed no losers; all are winners.

    Merry Christmas.

  • PDP and its new enforcers

    PDP and its new enforcers

    Move over, the  Old Guard. There are new kids on the block.

    For long, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) was like a ship with two – or  more – captains. The weather was rough; turbulent. Humbled at the polls by an electorate that felt enough was just enough and hobbled by a debilitating power struggle that threatened to end it all, the PDP got a lifeline with a Supreme Court judgment. Senator Ahmed Makarfi’s faction won the bitter battle for the control of the party. Former Borno State Governor Ali Modu Sherrif -where in the world is he now? –  beat a retreat. He went home quietly, perhaps to re-launch his bid for the soul of what was once the largest party in Africa.

    All was set for the convention that many saw as a redemptive tonic for the opposition party. The elders, including former military president Gen. Ibrahim Babangida, were excited by the prospect of a rejuvenated party. He issued a lengthy statement warning against the influence of money. How wrong he was.

    On the eve of the great convention, a “Unity List” surfaced, as reported exclusively by this newspaper. It was the governors’ weapon for the final push against the old guard, including Babangida, himself a master of subterfuge and obfuscation, and former President Goodluck Jonathan, who has vowed not to sleep until PDP returns to power. For how long can a man stay awake?

    The elders wanted former Education Minister Prof Tunde Adeniran as chairman. They put the governors under the gun to install him. But the new enforcers wanted Uche Secondus, a prince and former interim chair of the party. The battle was joined.

    The elders hammered out a “National List” and ordered everybody to fall in line. But the new power brokers, although not as experienced as the old hands, are more ruthless, brutal and aggressive. With a huge arsenal of cash and an army of ruthless soldiers who knew how to fight, they easily overran the old guards.

    Adeniran staged a walkout as soon as he perceived that it was all over. Southwest delegates and their naïve leaders who campaigned on their knees, begging for the job – have mercy on us; we’ve never had this job since the birth of the PDP – instead of flaunting their solid credentials and credibility, were sulking like some hungry kids.

    Nobody listened. Secondus – a cheeky fellow said the name sounds like one that will always put the troubled party in the second position – snatched the trophy. The losers, lacking in that spirit of sportsmanship which the elders are preaching, said the election was sold to the highest bidder. Did they also bid? They did not stop at that. They claimed that there were 2,115 registered delegates; the final count was 2,297. Isn’t that to be expected in such a crucial election?

    Congratulations Secondus, the chair!

    Missing at the convention was garrulous former Aviation Minister Femi Fani-Kayode. He seems to be unusually quiet nowadays – his opponents claim, without proof anyway, that he is broke and depressed. Dr Doyin Okupe, the one who said he should be called a bastard should Buhari win the 2015 presidential election, was not there either. Many were surprised, but I’m happy to report that the Ijebu prince is hale and hearty; he is only trammelled by the prospect of an uncertain political future, according to sources. Olisa Metuh, I am told, rescheduled a crucial meeting with his lawyers to attend the convention, but he got a raw deal, barred from the VIP stand for some inexplicable reasons.

    Kudos to the architects of the new order. Stand up for recognition, Ezenwo Nyesom  Wike, chief, lawyer, politician and governor of Rivers State.

    Wike is believed to be the lead actor in the coronation of Secondus. He led his brother–governors to seize control of the party from the old guards. When accused of imposing Secondus, Wike merely dismissed it with a sneer. “I’m free to support any candidate,” he said, adding : “Making statements that some people have hijacked the party is not correct. With all due respect, the people know what they want.”

    Bold, brash and brawny, the chief is no stranger to political wars. He had surmounted great odds that would have sent many a candidate throwing in the towel and running for dear life to become governor.

    Ironically, his opponents have refused to acknowledge his remarkable courage. They taunt him endlessly with that victory. They claim that his road to the Government House was paved with the blood of innocent citizens.  A lover of contact sport – he recently bankrolled a wrestling tourney – Wike is never afraid of a fight. In fact, his road rage with his predecessor Rotimi Amaechi grabbed the headlines the other day.

    Never afraid of telling the truth – an attribute which his opponents mistakenly describe as arrogance – His Excellency pointedly told the Southwest PDP chiefs that their zone was of little significance in the new calculations.  When a group of students who claim to have been abandoned in London stormed the Chatham House where His Excellency delivered a lecture, bearing placards and raining expletives on the authorities, Wike smiled. “I’ve gone past this stage,” he told them.

    Those who saw police chief Ibrahim Idris and Wike locked in a big hug at a ceremony in Port Harcourt thought their long verbal war had ended. They were wrong. Wike, a master of ambush, decided to up the ante. His opponents have accused  him of spearheading the SARS-must-go  protests against the police Special Anti-Robbery Squad.

    Despite all the accusations against him, His Excellency keeps hauling in awards as the world recognises his talents. For some newspapers, he is “Governor of the Year”. He has been honoured  by the “Sustainable Cities and Human Settlements Awards (SCAHSA), which is said to be backed by the UN, but derided as a big scam by – who else? – the governor’s political foes.

    Step forward Ayo Fayose, “architect of modern Ekiti, leader of the opposition, friend of the poor” and leading apostle of the much ridiculed but highly successful Stomach Infrastructure – the vote harvesting formula that has made an average Ekiti citizen the envy of all, with robust cheeks and bulging tummies.

    Fayose is said to have played a major role in the coronation of Secondus at the convention, which His Excellency attended after taking a break from the sewing machine on which he had been busy, battling to meet the deadline to produce Christmas dresses for 10,000 kids.

    Even that great gesture has attracted some  remonstrances. Why don’t you just pay their parents’ salaries? the critics say.

    To his opponents, he betrayed the Southwest. But that is their opinion. His excellency has seen far ahead of them all. He, months ago, launched his presidential campaign. If Southwest produces chairman, it cannot have the presidential candidate. If it does not get that, vice-president will be available. Who else fills the bill?

    Instead of hailing Fayose’s foresight, those who never see anything good in his deft political moves have been accusing him of shortchanging Ekiti delegates. What proof do they have? They said each delegate was to get $10,000, but that His Excellency claimed that an average Ekiti delegate would faint if handed such cash. He collected the Secondus largesse and gave each delegate N50,000, the tale bearers said. Trust His Excellency, he did not dignify them with a reply, let alone a defence of the puerile allegations.

    Bala Mohammed, the former Federal Capital Territory (FCT) minister, is also one of the new kingmakers. An unruly fellow said the other day that the amiable politician was the victim of a rare kind of envy that has seen him hopping in and out of courts since he left office. At a point, he was said to have lost 14 mansions to the EFCC. Besides, he filed a motion urging the court to compel the EFCC to grant him access to one of his homes to retrieve 35 “babanriga”, 15  bottles of perfume, 50 sets of leather handbags, 65 pairs of shoes and 35 boxes of clothes, among many other personal belongings.

    Mohammed is said to be eyeing Bauchi’s governorship in 2019.

    Those who thought former Benue State Governor Gabriel Torwua Suswam would be hamstrung by his many encounters with the law got it wrong. It is true that His Excellency and two others are facing a N9.7b fraud charge for which he was once detained at the Kuje Prison. It is, however, to his credit that he produced National Secretary Dr Agbo Emmanuel.

    Godswill Akpabio, the former Akwa Ibom governor, now a senator, belongs to this elite group. So are former Senate President David Mark and former Niger Governor Babangida “servant leader” Aliyu, who was once remanded for alleged N4.568 fraud and abuse of office. He is believed to have nominated Financial Secretary Abdullahi Husseini Maibasara. Former Foreign Affairs Minister Aminu Wali’s  personal assistant, Wada Masu, is Deputy National Treasurer.

    These are some of the leading lights of the new PDP, which has been threatening to return to power in 2019. Good luck to the party and its anointed ones.

     

    JAMB chief Oloyede’s example

    When Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB) Registrar Prof Is’haq Oloyede announced that the agency had sent N5billion back to the treasury, many were shocked. Fees were not increased and standards were not lowered. How was that possible?

    Simple.  He plugged all the loopholes and reined in the fat rats that had been preying on the agency’s cash. Now, JAMB has remitted N3 billion more to the federal treasury.

    An elated (and troubled) Federal Government ordered a probe. All the former chief executives were summoned to account for their deeds in office. We are yet to get a report of that exercise.

    Why was it impossible for the old JAMB to remit such hefty sums to the treasury? Was it a sign of the impunity that sent corruption to a level beyond human comprehension? Who is looking into the books of the other agencies?

    Oloyede’s example should be commended by all. May his like multiply among us.

  • In the spirit of the season

    In the spirit of the season

    There are many reasons to dump what has become a worthy tradition of this column.

    The recession has receded, but many are grumbling that the pains are yet to subside. A petrol crisis seems to be here, perhaps to perpetuate what has become  an end-of-year ritual of pain. Thankfully, the authorities have assured us that the queues are artificial.

    Some oddities are fast becoming our routine and culture. Fugitive Adulrasheed Maina, seen by many as a master of braggadocio and obfuscation, claims to have facts and figures on the incredible pension heist scandal. He has refused to come before the court to clear his name. Nigerians are pushing for the disbanding of the police Special Anti-Robbery Squad for alleged brutality.

    Boko Haram remains a snake with a slashed tail – vicious in its scorched-earth tactic.

    Nevertheless, there seems to be light at the end of the tunnel. So, in the spirit of the season, here we are again with a mailing list of some compatriots who deserve gifts this Yuletide.

    President Muhammadu Buhari tops the list for obvious reasons. To the consternation of his adversaries, who had written him off for dead, he survived a major health challenge after about 90 days in Britain. He has since been working with the energy of a young man, flying here and there on official duties.

    A governor-yes; a governor – once swore that Buhari would not return alive from his medical trip. “Call me a bastard, if Buhari returns alive,” he was quoted as saying. In fact, the gentleman threatened to release six pictures of the President on his sick bed. Since Buhari’s return, those who apparently have no respect for protocol have been calling the said governor “His Excellency the bastard”. Being a gentleman and in his characteristic reticence, the governor has pretended not to have heard the invectives poured on him.

    For Buhari, I have ordered a Sequential Compression Device (SCD), a pair of therapeutic socks to be worn on his long flights to prevent blood clotting.

    Dr Goodluck Jonathan remains a jolly good fellow, his close associates claim. In the spirit of sportsmanship, they say, he has put behind him the loss of his presidency. He has, in fact, been very busy on the lecture circuit, expounding the principles of democracy and rule of law.

    His goal, the former President said the other day, is to see the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) back in power. “I will not sleep until PDP is back in power,” he was quoted by newspapers as saying.

    C’mon. You don’t need that sir. Insomnia is a serious health condition to which an ex-president should not be subjected just because his party lost an election after threatening to rule for 60 years.

    For Jonathan, I have ordered 12 packets of the herbal supplement Valerian Root, which ensures a restful night, deep sleep and calm nerves. It has no side effects.

    There seems to be no sign that the former president has started writing his memoirs, which many can hardly wait to read, particularly after he confessed that he had been caged. Who did such a wicked deed? Men? Women? How? Why? The world would like to know. I mailed to His Excellency last year Curtis Bisel’s How to write an autobiography. The secret tips to finally get started. It may have got lost in transit. Another copy will soon be on the way.

    Before feminists and Beijing belligerents descend on me for alleged bigotry, let me quickly put former First Lady Dame Patience Faka Jonathan on the list. Why not? There was no dull moment in her days at the Villa. It was full of drama, like an Indian movie. Now she is being accused of having a gargantuan appetite for money, the source of which detectives are probing.

    Her Excellency has been in and out of courts in a desperate battle to keep what she insists is part of her vast estate inherited from her loving mother – may her generous soul continue to rest in peace. All the commotion over the hefty sums in various currencies would not have happened if the money had not been hauled to the banks under various names.

    I have ordered for Mama Peace three home safes, made of the finest steel by Hamilton, which has been in the trade since 1967. These can be installed in a safe house in Otuoke. When she eventually recovers her fortune by court order, it can be moved there and kept away forever from the prying eyes of those impudent detectives.

    Former Vice-President Atiku Abubakar deserves to be listed. The Wazirin Adamawa has just dumped the All Progressives Congress (APC) for the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) of which he had been a member. He says he jumped ship because he was sidelined in the scheme of things. Besides, he is doing it for the youth, His Excellency said.

    Instead of praising his courage and endurance, some critics have been excoriating Atiku for what they call his inconsistency and desperation. When did desperation become a crime?

    Some have even turned it all into jokes on the social media. Sample: “May your life never be moving forward-backward like Atiku’s political career. This disease is called ‘Atikulation’.”

    Others said the foremost politician had been struck by a strange disease called “sokugo” that keeps its victim restless, always moving, as described by novelist Cyprian Ekwensi in Burning Grass.

    Atiku has always kept his eyes on the ball. He won’t be distracted. From me Atiku will get a copy of Marie-Henrie Beyle’s “The Red and the Black”, a novel with unmatchable insight into the knotty nature of ambition.

    Many Nigerians are still grumbling even after the government announced with relish that the economy has been saved from a crushing recession.  Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun has been tackling the challenges – and many controversies. She has visited the National Assembly several times on budget performance, ‘Mainagate’ and others. The ministry got embroiled in the brouhaha over the compensation due to the whistle -blower(s) of the Osborne Towers cash haul. Now she will have to explain how and why Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) boss Mounir Gwarzo was suspended.

    She is also going after tax dodgers, majority of them men and women of immense influence and means. Just how much more can a young woman take?

    Mrs Adeosun will get the latest version of the M2 Basic Automatic Blood Pressure Monitor, the OMRON brand.

    Garrulous Senator Dino Melaye has always made my mailing list. Belligerent and cocky, Melaye continues to amaze his friends and foes with his conduct, which his critics have traced to his days as a rent-a-crowd contractor. A source, who is close to the cousin of a senator’s uncle, has just told me that Melaye’s friends are planning to sponsor research into psychopathy by some young neurosurgeons. I wish them well.

    From me, the distinguished senator will get another pack of the herbal medication “Kalms” that aids sleep at night and keeps one calm all day. That’s what he got last year.

    With many of our governors doing wonders, it will be gross insensitivity or pure mischief to ignore them. In Ekiti, His Excellency Ayo Fayose has been busy – not on some project files or at those long nocturnal meetings on urgent matters of state. He has been working a sewing machine to its limit so as to meet up with the deadline for the delivery of clothes he has promised 10,000 kids for Christmas.

    Owelle Rochas Okorocha is yet to finish the immensely tasking job of erecting statues in honour of his heroes, an action that has delighted millions of Imo State residents. So popular was one of the early works, the one mounted in honour of South African President Jacob Zuma that it has been hilariously named “Zuma’s Erection,” or “Okorochas Erection”; take your pick.      To Governors Forum Chair Abdulaziz Abubakar Yari, the governor of Zamfara State, I intend to mail 36 copies of Rudolph Giuliani’s “Leadership”.

    My mailing list remains open, dear reader. Feel free to contact me if you notice any omission. I would be glad to correct it. Best wishes for a great season.

     

    And Okorocha marches on

    Many have accused him of being proud and wasteful. Some even say he is frivolous and hysterical. But, to his credit, none of his traducers has accused Owelle Rochas Okorocha of lacking in creativity.

    The Imo State governor keeps surprising everyone. After riding the storm generated by Zuma’s statue, His Excellency is facing an uproar over the appointment of  a Commissioner for Happiness and Purpose Fulfillment.

    The appointee, the governor’s sister, has been fighting back.  “If you don’t understand something,” she has advised the critics, “keep quiet.” Read and research. Make good use of your sense.”

    Even before Mrs Ogechi Ololo settles down in office, a source has said, a large army of Nigerians are getting set for Imo in search of – what else? – happiness and fulfillment. Rejoice all Imo citizens; “The great march to the land of happiness and fulfillment” has begun.

    To shame those accusing him of nepotism, Okorocha, according to a Government House source, will soon make more of such prestigious  appointments. On the list is Commissioner for Enjoyment and Entertainment (E.E.). The lucky appointee, most likely the governor’s brother (for gender sensitivity), will ensure, among other urgent duties, that all the Isiewu and palm wine shacks are streamlined, serving the same good quality of the popular delicacy.

  • Atiku visits Obasanjo

    Atiku visits Obasanjo

    Poor Atiku Abubakar. Every time he gets set to run for the highest office in the land, some invisible but sturdy obstacles are rolled on the way. His political opponents and their friends will reel off a legion of reasons why he should not run. Some will simply say in a most damning manner that he is not fit for the job; a former vice-president not qualified for the number one job?

    He has been derided for changing parties- as if he is the only notable politician who does this routinely. He has just jumped the All Progressives Congress (APC) ship. There are speculations that he plans to rejoin the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). That common action has attracted attacks and derisive jokes.

    On the social media has suddenly appeared a caricature of the Turaki Adamawa, smiling, in a doctor’s clinic, a heart monitoring equipment strapped onto his chest and a blood pressure cutt on his arm. The caption: “Atiku undergoing medicals at PDP Headquarters in Abuja. On free transfer.” Some soccer buffs at work, no doubt.

    It is, I dare say, a big credit to his tenacity and sense of purpose that Atiku, like a marathoner, stays the course. He keeps throwing his hat in the ring.

    There seems to be a problem of perception, his minders may have told him. He recently challenged anybody who insists that he is corrupt to come out with the proof or remain quiet forever. Again, to his credit, nobody has accepted that simple challenge.

    Atiku plans to pick the PDP ticket and give President Muhammadu Buhari a run for his money in 2019. Buhari has not said he will run? Will Atiku get the ticket? Nobody can tell, for sure.

    As usual, there have been suggestions, propositions and postulations on how the Turaki should go about his life-long ambition. Of all such suggestions, the most striking seems to be from former President Goodluck Jonathan. He asked Atiku to beg former President Olusegun Obasanjo – Atiku was the vice – president in the Obasanjo presidency – if he must realise his ambition. Obasanjo and Atiku had a turbulent relationship that almost cost the former a fresh tenure.

    The story is told of how Obasanjo grovelled before Atiku to get the governors’ support ahead of the crucial PDP convention. Those who claim to know Baba Iyabo closely – they are few, I am told – have sworn that was sacrilegious. The Ebora Owu, they stress, would surely take his pound of flesh in a bigger measure. He takes no prisoner.

    The Jonathan advice sparked a round of questions and speculations. Why should Atiku beg Obasanjo? What is his offence? Does anybody need Obasanjo’s endorsement? Will he speak for potential voters? Is the PDP ticket in Obasanjo’s pocket? Did Jonathan prostrate for Obasanjo when he wanted to run?

    The questions are so many. Some of them are ridiculous; others simply absurd. Besides, many have been suggesting how a meeting of Obasanjo and Atiku will go, if it ever happens. Here is one of such imaginary scenarios of such a meeting:

    Obasanjo springs up from a seat in his expansive sitting room as soon as Atiku is ushered in. He smiles briefly and offers a handshake. Atiku throws himself at him for a hug.

    “Please, sit down. Good to see you again. I’m sorry I couldn’t give an earlier appointment. I’ve been travelling. The problem in Zimbabwe, Kenya and so many others. Anyway, what brings you this time?”

    “Baba, I thank you for your time, for receiving me despite your tight schedule. I won’t take much of your precious time sir. I bring peace. You’re our leader; our pillar. We do not think it will be wise to take any important step without informing you and carrying you along.  In this country today, nobody can say you don’t count. You are not just an ordinary person; you’re an elder statesman. And…”

    Obasanjo cuts in, raising his right hand. “Please, go into the specific. What exactly do you want? That long introduction seems to be confusing. Straight to the point.”

    “Baba, I’m running and I wish to get your blessing.”

    Smiling, Obasanjo looks straight at Atiku, his visage betraying some incredulity. “You ’re running? Where to? Why? Is anybody pursuing you?”

    “No Baba. I’m planning to contest the presidency on the platform of our great party, the PDP. And I am honoured and privileged to be telling you this so that I can receive your blessing. Former President Jonathan and many other eminent Nigerians have advised me to visit you and settle whatever differences we may have. This is my mission sir.”

    “Hee he. Jonathan asked you to come here? Am I in their party? Please, I’m a statesman. I announced it that I’m no longer a politician. When I resigned from PDP or whatever they call themselves, I didn’t do corner corner o. I tore their card. So, if that boy, em…eeem…eeeem… Jona, is telling you to come and you’re coming here, is he sincere? I remain a farmer and a statesman. One million Atikus can’t change that whether they are running or walking or flying. I’m sorry, Mr Atiku.”

    “You seem to be getting it all wrong sir. I’m not asking you to come out of retirement and campaign for me. No. I’m only informing you and asking you to bless me so that I can succeed.”

    “Again, I’m not a politician. Are you listening? I’m too honest and frank to remain in that circle – of lies, backstabbing, intrigues and corruption. Deceit. No. I’m done. My politics now is Nigeria. Anybody who says Nigeria will not rise and move forward, I am ready to go konkobilo with that person. So, oga, that is my position.”

    “Baba, I salute your sincerity – and courage. You are not the type who will deceive anybody to score cheap political points. You’re blunt. There are many of us in the race. That is why I crave your endorsement. You must have an opinion on this important matter.”

    “Yes. I have heard that some of you are warming up. I’m not the type that fears. I have my opinion on each and everyone of you. The other boy (wetin be im name now o?). Obasanjo scratches it aggressively. He looks up and continues.

    “Makarfi. Yes; I hear he too wants to contest. I know he used to be governor of Kaduna. He was a senator. And now chairman of what they call Caretaker Committee. Hmmm…

    “Sule Lamido is my boy, but dem say he get baggage. And you know Buhari is a soldier. He will simply ambush him and that will be the end of the matter.

    “Buhari sef. I said so that he will not steal. He will fight corruption and jail all the thieves making noise and gallivanting all over the place. But Buhari may not do well in the economy. I said so. No be so?”

    “Baba, I thank you for your insight. The words of our elders… . Do I take it that I have your blessing to pick the PDP ticket for 2019?”

    Hmm…hmmmm…hmm (Obasanjo clears his thrioat). “PDP my foot. I don’t care who gets the PDP ticket. Dat one na dem toro. I’m not a member and I don’t plan to be one. Let them sell it or give it or dash it to whoever they like. Me o, Olusegun Aremu Okikiola Obasanjo, I don’t care. A statesman I will remain. I thank you for visiting.”

    A crowd of reporters and photographers have set up a camp outside the door. As Obasanjo and his guest emerge from the main house, they spring up onto their feet and rushed towards them.

    “Baba, good afternoon. How are you sir?”

    Obasanjo, smiling without showing his teeth:”I dey kampe, as you can see.”

    “How did the meeting go?”

    “Which meeting? No meeting o. You know Christmas will soon be here. The former VP came to wish me merry Christmas. Is anything wrong with that? And I wish you all Merry Christmas and a prosperous new year.”

    After a handshake with Obasanjo, Atiku walks briskly towards his car, adjusting his agbada. The reporters rush to catch up with him.

    “Sir, how did it go? Is it true you came to tell Baba to support your ambition? Did he promise to back you?”

    “Baba has spoken and that is all. I have no comments – for now. Have a nice day, my friends.”

    An aide opens the door. Atiku jumps in and the car rolls out of the large compound.

    The Maina roadshow returns

    After a short break, the Abdulrasheed Maina  roadshow is back. The fugitive civil servant, in an interview with Channels Television from an unstated location, has been reeling off incredible facts and figures emanating from his work as the head of the controversial Pension Task Force Team.

    Perhaps out of ignorance or sheer sense of impunity, some key government officials have allowed themselves to be roped into the Maina mess. There are desperate efforts to bring in President Muhammadu Buhari.

    It is too early to pronounce Maina guilty. He should forget about the threats he claims are being issued against him and return home to clear his name. In the court of law, he will be allowed to say all he knows about how trillions of naira have been creamed off neatly and roughly from the pension funds.

    It is sickening enough that Attorney General and Minister of Justice Abubakar Malami, his Interior counterpart Abdulrahman Dambazzau and others have been named in the botched bid to reinstate and reward Maina with a promotion. But this should not be the main issue. Who are the fat cats who fed on the huge pension funds? Who took what? Where is the cash Maina claims to have recovered? From who?

    Until these and other questions are settled, the Maina matter will remain an arrow shot right at the heart of the anti-graft war. It must be resolved – fast.

  • The Mugabes in our midst

    The Mugabes in our midst

    Zimbabweans dancing excitedly in the street. Kids climbing up armoured vehicles to be carried by smiling soldiers. Strangers hugging one another. Songs of victory as if the national team had just won a crucial match. Elders shedding tears of joy. They never knew it could ever happen in their lifetime.

    It was a moving spectacle in Harare. The euphoria was remarkable. Robert Mugabe surrendered power after days of hide and seek. The cunning old man delivered a rambling speech expected to announce  his  resignaion. But he did not on Sunday. Then the ball was in the court of the lawmakers, who issued an impeachment notice. Suddenly Mugabe, who had shunned entreaties from the legendary Kenneth Kaunda and a respected cleric, surrendered on Tuesday.

    As soon as Mugabe’s letter of resignation was read by the Speaker, there was jubilation across the land. An era – of brutality and sheer madness – ended.

    Mugabe ran the country, which was one of Africa’s richest, like a motor park. He brooked no opposition. He clubbed his challengers, smashing their heads and breaking their limbs. He ruled with an iron hand, rigging himself into office all the time to clock 37 years in power.

    Zimbabweans were cowed. They feared him. But the 93-year-old did not start as the monster he later became. He was an altar boy, a devoted Christian and a  freedom fighter. His ascendance to power in 1980 brought so much hope, but in the end, hope turned into ashes. Mugabe  lost his way and became a tyrant who listened only to his wily and reckless wife, “Gucci” Grace, whose taste for luxury goods put her on the same pedestal as Imelda Marcos. She used to be Mugabe’s secretary and mistress. She became the First Lady after the death of Mugabe’s wife.

    So obsessed with power was Mugabe that he planned to hand over to Grace. Thankfully, Zimbabweans will no longer have to endure that insult. The evil empire has fallen, never to rise again.

    As Zimbabweans danced in the street, Nigerians were joking about their fate. Suddenly, caricatures of a sleeping Mugabe strapped onto Grace’s back, like a baby, her Gucci glasses on her terrified face, appeared on the social media.

    And these: “Mugabe has resigned… Arsene Wenger over to you.”

    “Breaking News!!! Arsenal fans in talks with Zimbabwean Army for help in getting rid of Arsene Wenger.”

    “What soft landing are you providing for Arsene Wenger like Zimbabwe has just done for Mugabe?”

    “A new word in the dictionary, Mugabe. Mugabe means ‘to refuse to go’.  The one who refuses to go is a ‘mugabee’. To have refused in the past is to have ‘mugabed’. The act of refusing to go is ‘mugabing’. So if you refuse to do anything for me you are a ‘mugaber’.”

    Even as we joke and laugh over this typical African tragedy, we should realise that Mugabe is not the only one who has failed his people. What do we make of 16 years of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP)?

    Here was a party that was formed at a critical time in our history by some of our leading lights. It promised a new day and delivered a bad day. For 16 years, it took Nigerians for a ride – to nowhere. A roller coaster.

    The PDP threatened to rule Nigeria for 60 years; it took it just 16 years to ruin everything, making a huge bonfire of all the values that we cherished. Corruption became a national past time to be defended by those who always promised to check it. We were sent back to the classroom to learn the difference between “stealing” and “corruption”. There was a big national debate on that.

    Just as in Mugabe’s Zimbabwe, the police became a tool in the hands of the ruling party to be used to thwart the people’s will. Opponents were locked up on the eve of crucial elections. The electoral system was corrupted with cash. Winners were turned into losers and losers became winners overnight. All in the name of a grand larceny branded Transformation  Agenda. The tragic joke went on for 16 years, until Providence supervened.

    The treasury was looted on a scale beyond comprehension. The dollar became the unofficial currency of the elite. Apartments were to be paid for in dollar. Hotels charged in dollar. The naira became an orphan. Factories were shut down. Jobs were lost.

    When it all became unbearable, the government came up with all manner of dubious programmes. SURE- P, You Win I Win and such deceitful stuff. Cash was  dished out to the well-connected. Inflation ran riot.

    The more the people grumbled, the deeper the tricksters dug into their bag of tricks and whipped out inventive ideas. At a point, with Ngozi Okonjo- Iweala  presiding, the government juggled some facts and figures and announced with incredible relish that the economy was Africa’s largest- courtesy of some abracadabra called “Rebasing”. It celebrated the strange feat in an elaborate manner and kept on referring to it in public speeches. Ah. Among all the lies ever constructed by any government anywhere, this must rank the biggest. And unleashed without any shame. Nor regrets.

    Nigeria became the ultimate dumping ground for all manner of goods. Toothpicks, eyelashes, eye shadow and eye pencils. Fake tyres and fake drugs. We imported everything under the sun, including champagne and choice wines to nurture the elite’s delicate palate.

    Oil, the mainstay of the economy, sold for more than $100 a barrel. We made no savings.

    Our presidents carried on as if they were the state. Former President Olusegun Obasanjo had a large ego, fuelled by a messianic disposition. As his eight-year stay in power neared its end, he launched into an illegal scheme to extend it – he keeps denying doing that, stressing that  if he had wanted to stay on, he would have asked God to help him and God would have obliged him.

    The late Mallam Umaru Musa Yar’Adua, a good man, honest and humble, was hobbled by ill-health. He could not do much.

    Dr Goodluck Jonathan, another fine fellow, was a victim of his own success. A former teacher, he became deputy to the late DSP Alamieyeseigha, the governor-general of the Ijaw nation who governed Bayelsa State and left in cloudy circumstances. Jonathan later became Yar’Adua’s deputy and eventually his successor. He could not cope, perhaps because of his dizzy ascension to power.

    A man who had no shoes suddenly became the number one citizen, with shoe manufacturers at his beck and call. He later confessed that he was caged.

    It is to his credit, however, that when it was all over, he simply stood up and went home. Now he is on the lecture circuit. The world is begging Dr Jonathan to write his memoirs. Will he? When?

    Mugabe will be succeeded by Emmerson Mnangagwa, the 71-year-old former vice- president, who he sacked for insubordination. He is nicknamed ‘Crocodile’ for his alleged brutality as Mugabe’s Man Friday.

    Mugabe’s fall has sent a clear message to other tyrants. Nothing lasts forever. President Yoweri Museveni of Uganda and his Rwandan counterpart , Paul Kagame, should be troubled.

    The Gabonese should be hopeful that someday they will be free. Jacob Zuma has been accused of corruption. For how long will he hang on?

    Despite the fact that his human rights record is awful, Mugabe will not be going into history as the worse dictator of our time. Idi Amin murdered 300,000. He fed many opponents to crocodiles. Jean-Bedel Bokassa, ‘emperor’ of the Central African Republic, who seized power in 1966, killed 100 pupils for not buying uniforms from his shop. He was said to have kept human skulls in his refrigerator.

    Haile Mariam Mengistu, a Russian–trained Marxist, deposed Emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia in 1974. Many of his opponents were killed and his economic policy impoverished the people.

    For 32 years, Mobutu Sese Seko ran Zaire like his personal estate. He was corrupt and brutal. He had a vast fortune stashed overseas. There was also Charles Taylor who used kids to fight the wars in Liberia and Sierra Leone. He is cooling his heels in a British jail after being convicted by the International Criminal Court.

    Back to Zimbabwe:  The new authorities  were getting set yesterday to hand power to Mnangagwa. What fate awaits the people, considering that Mnangagwa  had served as Mugabe’s right-hand man for close to a decade?

  • Of leaders, legends and laggards

    Of leaders, legends and laggards

    A Convoy of SUVs and cars rolls out of the airport and heads for the city on a sunny day. All is smooth. The occupants of the vehicles are chatting. The guards among them are on their guard, watching out for any unusual movement. Suddenly, some security agents appear . In a commando manner, they block the convoy. A shootout. Commotion.

    Other motorists, seized by fear, are watching – and praying – as bullets fly in the air. In minutes, it is all over. The smoke from the guns fired by both sides has cleared.  On the ground are empty shells of bullets. Some bloody faces and broken heads. Men are moaning and groaning. Tears. A gun was missing.

    An action-packed American movie?  No

    That was the scene last Saturday in Port Harcourt, the Rivers State capital where Minister of Transportation Rotimi Chibuike Amaechi’s convoy and Governor Nyesom Wike’s clashed.

    After the guns fell silent, the verbal war began. Each side tried to defend its position. Newspaper reports quoting the main actors became the subject of jokes, such as this: “I narrowly escaped assassination–Wike”.

    “I narrowly escaped being shot–Amaechi”.

    Everytime I hear “narrowly” from politicians, I narrowly believe them”.

    The police have launched a probe.

    But this is not about who fired the first shot or who woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It is not about who had the right of way. Nor is it about the failure of intelligence that allowed the clash. Nor the foolishness of those fuelling such animosities that led to the street fight.

    The incident symbolises the low level into which leadership has sunk. We keep crying about the fall in Naira value; how about the fall of all those core values which we used to cherish?

    When leaders pull off their shirts and launch into a brawl right on the street in the full glare of ordinary folks, including the mentally challenged who will be wondering why some well dressed and apparently normal persons should be pummelling themselves,  then we should go back to those basic lessons in leadership.

    How did we lose it? Why are our leaders redefining leadership as a weapon to be acquired at all costs, deployed selfishly for self-preservation and other sinister motives? Why the song, self, self and self?

    The late sage, Chief Obafemi Awolowo, was an all-rounder who surrounded himself with intellectuals and people of ideas. He was studious and reserved. Many years after his departure, his signature remains bold in many areas of our lives, especially education. Most of our leaders today are surrounded by thugs and dubious intellectuals who have sold their souls to the devil.

    Instead of books, we hand our youths okadas and  Keke NAPEP, which are symbols of poverty and the failure of leadership to tackle the menace. Ironically, such tools, which are meant to break the cycle of poverty,  ensure that the cycle remains open.

    It was celebration time in Kano the other day. Governor Abdullahi Umar Ganduje bought N208m noodles, eggs, tea bags, sugar and others to empower mai shai (tea vendors). For how long can this endure? Will tea making now become a state industry and symbol of a hardworking people?

    A journalist once told of how he had a life time chance of meeting Nelson Mandela (of fond memories) for an interview. On the appointed date, he got to the old man’s home. No elaborate security. No metal detectors. No soldiers. No drummers singing the old man’s praise.  He was at the door personally to welcome his guests. The reporter and his photographer joined Mandela in the living room.

    “Where is the third person?” he asks the visitors. “I welcomed three persons.”

    “Oh, my driver. He is in the car,” the reporter replied.

    “Please, bring him in.”

    And  so it was that the driver had the unforgettable experience of being photographed  with Mandela after lunch. He thanked his boss for that chance, which he was sure his family would cherish for ever.

    The boss merely nodded his head. He had learned a great lesson in humility.

    How many of our leaders are humble? How many have Mandela’s forgiving spirit (he was jailed for almost 30 years). Some even deride old age and mock men old enough to be their father.  Some will even say unprintable  things about their own mothers.

    Do our leaders spare a thought for the common man? Their guards kick innocent people off the road for their convoys to move. Their sirens shatter the peace of the environment and create a fake atmosphere of an emergency. If you are unlucky that your vehicle breaks down while a big man is passing through, you are expected to carry the mass of steel on your head or simply disappear and watch your prized vehicle being pushed into the gutter to make way for the oga.

    I always see pictures of many of our so-called leaders taken in offices with book-lined  shelves in the background.   Do they read? If they do, what do they learn? Do they read biographies and autobiographies of legendary figures? Have they ever heard of Mahatma Gandhi and his policy of satyagraha, or non-violence, his love for knowledge, his confidence and resilience?

    What vision do they have for this society? Do they really care about what will be said of them after they must have quit the stage? Are leaders always right? At what point should a leader look back at his followers to see if his actions are truly in accord with the wishes of the people?

    The other day, Imo State Governor Owelle Rochas Okorocha dismissed contemptuously questions about the statue of South African leader Jacob Zuma which he caused to be erected at a fortune in Owerri.

    “I have no apologies,” he was quoted as saying. Such arrogance and insensitivity to public feeling, even when he is right, is no hallmark of a good leader.

    What was meant to immortalise a benefactor and beautify the landscape has turned into an object of ridicule, which many derisively refer to as Zuma’s “erection”.

    How many of our leaders are compassionate? Pensioners are dying and workers are crying to be paid. The huge Paris Club refund and bailout from the Federal Government have not been enough to address the plight of workers who have gone on unpaid for several months.

    Why would a governor divert part of his state’s share into the payment of his mortgage? Why will another throw part of the cash into building a hotel? All this, in a world where Bill Gates and several other men of character are spending their fortune on helping the poor.

    China is a world power today –  largely on account of the vision of its leader Mao Zedong. He rallied the people to challenge Japan during World War II. He planted the seed that has today become an industrial oak tree, feared by many and respected by all, including the United States.

    Britain -and the world – will remember Winston Churchill for his determination, courage and boldness. He led Britain against the Nazi Germany during World War II, teaming up with allies to stop Hitler. That was when Britain  truly deserved to be called “Great”.

    Inspector – General of Police Ibrahim Idris has instituted a probe into the Port Harcourt incident. He should be getting ready for more of such futile exercises, especially as we approach the election year 2019.

    What happens when Oyo State Governor Abiola Ajimobi’s convoy and former Governor Rashidi Ladoja’s head for the same direction; when Ganduje’s and Musa Kwankwaso’s, Willie Obiano’s and Peter Obi’s, Ali Modu Sherriff’s and Kashim Shettima’s clash?

     

    Mugabe: End of a shameful era

    Many Zimbabweans and their friends must be mightily relieved that the Robert Mugabe burden has been lifted off their neck – at last. For 37 years, they endured it all – brigandage, rights abuses, corruption and sheer demagoguery .

    The longest running show of impunity and tyranny stopped yesterday. Mugabe, 93, and his wife Grace  to whom he planned to hand over power were taken into custody after a night of unrest, which was seen as a military coup. But the soldiers insisted it was a “bloodless correction”.

    Mugabe is the typical African dictator – brash, brutal, cocky and arrogant. Famous for off-colour jokes, he is witty and a master of repartee.

    Among the quotes attributed to him are:

    “Dear ladies, if your boyfriend didn’t wish you happy mother’s day or sing Sweet Mother for you, stop breastfeeding him.”

    “If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk around with X-rays to see inner beauty.”

    “It’s hard to bewitch African girls these days. Every time you take a piece from her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.”

    Asked by a journalist when he planned to go, the old man replied brusquely: “Where?”

    Now he knows where.

    May the ranks of the Mugabes of this world continue to shrink.

  • The Senate: More probes beckon

    The Senate: More probes beckon

    When the Senate Committee invited police chief Ibrahim Idris over the allegations by Senator Isah Misau, I knew a problem was in the offing. Idris rejected the summons and told the lawmakers that a case was in court on the matter. Honouring the summons, reasoned the Inspector–General, would be prejudicial.

    The senators, ever dutiful and diligent – isn’t that why they are revered as distinguished? – insisted that the probe must go on.

    Misau, by way of introduction, is the senator representing the good people of Bauchi Central. He hurled a truckload of allegations at the IG. Some of them bordered on financial misappropriation, mismanagement and misapplication – not stealing, please note. The police were left scampering for weapons to fight back. They did. Misau was slapped with an allegation of being a deserter. He defended himself desperately.

    All this while, the Senate did not lift a finger either for its own or for the IG, at least in protection of the office. Then, as if stung by a swarm of bees, the lawmakers sprang up to action when Misau accused the IG of some inappropriate behaviour that bordered on what the lawmaker described as the chief’s propensity for sexual peccadillos. He peppered it all with some salacious details, some of which are not fit for this space, this being a serious journal of repute and not some popular kiss-and-tell sensational publication.

    The committee threatened to issue a warrant for the IG’s arrest. Who will arrest the IG? Thankfully, the IG appeared before the committee yesterday. But he refused to answer questions, leaving observers to wonder what kind of questions would have been fired at him.

    Is it true you had a girlfriend who is now an officer and married to your good self? Did you actually put her in the family way as alleged? How did you do that? When? Where? Who are your witnesses? Was it with her consent or she was intimidated into it? Who are your witnesses?

    Can an officer fall in love while on duty? Are such acts common in the police? If so, how have you been checking the rank and file? Can a police chief’s private affair, including his bedroom deportment, affect his role as the chief crime fighter? Is a police chief expected to have a soft side in a country infested with vicious criminals, with jackals and hyenas in high places? Where is that tough-man image, the mere thought of which should keep criminals restless? Can an IG be seduced? How?

    Just before the IG elected to shun the committee, a senior lawyer, I am told, was getting set to storm the landmark hearing, which promised to be a watershed in the development of our criminal jurisprudence.

    Among the questions he planned to ask the distinguished senators are: why was there no probe when a senator was rumoured to have married an underage girl? Was the Senate’s image not tarnished by that act, with child rights activists describing the respected chamber as a den of pedophiles, drug pushers and robbers? Why the probe now that Misau has been charged with forgery, intent to harm the IG, peddling falsehood against the IG and lying, among several other practices?

    In other words, vigilantibus non dormientibus aequitas subvenit. That is to say, “Equity aids the vigilant, not those who slumber on their rights”.

    I advise the Senate to resist this attempt at circumventing its rights and duties. It is its responsibility to go ahead with the probe and, in fact, launch into several others that it has been threatening to undertake: The Maikanti Baru – Ibe Kachikwu kerfuffle; the Paris Club refund; the Nigeria Content Development Fund and many others.

    Consider the fact that suicide cases are rising. In Lagos, it is fast becoming fashionable for those who are disaffected with life to end it all by taking the final plunge – into the lagoon. Why are people taking their  lives?  Are the gods thirsty for blood? Is the economic situation that bad that some would like to see if it could be sunny on the other side? A Senate enquiry will, no doubt, provide answers to these questions. It should begin today.

    First, it was the State House Clinic. We were told by the President’s wife that it was a “mere consulting clinic”. No facilities. No drugs. Nothing. Now, we have heard of how some of our compatriots – 91 in all – have died of snake bite in Gombe and Plateau states because hospitals lack snake bite venom. Health Minister Prof Isaac Adewole says we haven’t run out of the essential drug to tackle the poison. So, what happened?

    I trust the Senate will launch a probe after a member must have raised a motion on “matter of urgent national importance.”

    The other day in Kabba, Kogi State, distinguished Senator Dino Melaye, a man not many will accuse of being saintly in disposition, of being urbane and placid, was pelted with stones and other missiles. We were told that hoodlums did it. Who are the so- called hoodlums? Whom were they working for? Were they masked? Why were no suspects arrested?

    These are the questions a probe will unravel. Over to the Senate.

    Many discerning observers of the polity are surprised that not even a tepid attempt has been made to institute a major probe into the seemingly vacuous allegation that the change that the Buhari administration  promised is yet to manifest. “We haven’t seen any change,” many have been crying. They are obviously those disillusioned fellows who won’t stop lamenting what to them were the good days of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) when oil sold at over $100 a barrel and we had so much to fritter away.  This has been the stand of government officials.

    But a doctor-turned-politician has thrown in the medical angle, suggesting  that those who claim not to have seen changes may have problems with their eyes. “Are we short of ophthalmologists?” he has been asking his aides.

    The Senate will do well to take up the challenge.  It should probe the strange thinking that propels some of our compatriots to ask, “where is the change?” Is the number of the blind growing? How many ophthalmologists do we have? Are they being owed salaries? Why will so many people be complaining of poor vision at the same time? Is there an epidemic or some strange eye condition?

    Despite its furious response to the allegation that its members draw jumbo salaries, the Senate has not been able to convince the public that it has not taken more than its legal dues from the treasury. In fact, a source close to a senator who is said to be in love with fast cars, movie stars and choice beverages, says the lawmaker often derides the purveyors of such rumours as nonentities.

    That is too mild.

    Senators should end this malicious allegation that won’t just go away once and for all by launching a grand probe that will lay the matter to rest – finally. All questions must be resolved, including the most troublesome of them all – how much exactly do senators earn?

     

     

    Eau de Akwa Ibom

    New perfume in town? Not quite. But some news – about good old, foxy tortoise of the folklorist era.

    Somewhere in Akwa Ibom, the poor animal is being hunted for a love potion, which in the local language is called kop nno mi (do as I say).

    Poor Dr Edem Eniang. The director of the Biodiversity Preservation Centre (BPC) has been having problems reining in those women who believe in the magical powers of this potion to arrest their men- body and soul.

    The University of Uyo teacher says the animal is endangered. He appeals to residents to help save the tortoise. I join him in this campaign.

    The fate of the tortoise in Akwa Ibom reminds one of those days of bloody politics in Oyo State.  One of the actors, Busari Adelakun – may his soul rest in peace – was well known for romanticising the powers of his juju. One of his fashion accessories was a small  live tortoise that he wore as a necklace, dangling from his neck. His opponents quaked at his appearance.

    The story is told of how he, as commissioner for Local Government carried out some reforms that were far-sighted but which the powers that-were resisted. He was unceremoniously moved to the Health ministry, but he did not like that. Adelakun (aka Eruobodo –the river dreads nothing) was said to have sworn that his successor would not stay long on the seat.

    When the new commissioner died suddenly, Adelakun was quoted as saying: “Kinkin ni mo fun. Mo ro pe okunrin ni, a se kii sokunrin (I gave him just a little. I thought he was a man… .”

    Ah, those good old days. Who will bring back some of the colour?