The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

  • Farewell… October

    The month packed so much tension.

    Kudos to the North’s youths and the conscientious elders who ensured that the threat to force the Igbo out petered after a peace agreement was signed. In the Southeast, except for occasional violent crimes, there has been peace. “Operation Crocodile Smile” seems to have shed its controversial tendencies, ending on a cheery note.

    But some events have threatened to send the polity into a tailspin. One will need those exceptionally long strides of speedster Usain Bolt to cope with the dizzying  rate at which news breaks.

    The Maina matter hit us like a bolt from the blues. It was not all that new. Here was a fugitive on the INTERPOL watch list just strolling in to take up a new job after being elevated. All that was left was a national honour and then the bubble burst.

    The President fired former Secretary to the Government of the Federation (SGF) Babachir Lawal and Nigeria Intelligence Agency (NIA) Director-General  Ayo Oke.

    Former President Goodluck Jonathan is asking for N1b transport fare to honour the subpoena in the trial of former Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) spokesman Olisa Metuh, who is accused of receiving $2m from the arms deals funds.

    These are complex issues. The television debates and radio shows featuring renowned experts have thrown little or no illumination at them. How does the man in the street see it all? Pummelled by hunger and troubled by devilish criminals, has he any time to think about the polity?

    Where else to gauge the public pulse other than the barber shop. And what a spectacle! From the lone speaker just outside the door, Fela Anikulapo – Kuti’s timeless song. Trouble sleep yanga wake am blarred. The house is in full session. Papi D presiding. He is decked out in a pair of black trousers and a short sleeve khaki shirt that has obviously seen better days. The day’s crowd is unusually big. A premiership match has just ended, I’m told.

    A middle-aged man in a pair of jeans trousers and a blue T-shirt set the ball rolling, asking Papi D a question: “Sir, what’s your take on the sacking of Babachir Lawal and Oke? The matter has been trending on the Internet.”

    “Take that back, young man. I didn’t take anything from Babachir, Babacha, Babaku or whatever you call him. Having said that, it is a simple case that turned complex. And I will explain. If you take a N220m contract to cut grass and you fail to use the appropriate equipment, a mower, deploying a bulldozer, you risk bringing down everything, including the trees. When the trees get dry, they become firewood for making bonfires. The bonfires will be used to make a barbeque during a dance of jackals and hyenas. In other words, Babachir has been barbequed on his own bonfire. Consumed.”

    “As for Oke, it is as simple as ABC; no house is safe when money is involved. Cash, big cash, is like smoke; you can’t hide it. Everybody is looking for money; not so? So if you hide some in a safe house, you’re merely joking. Remember, this is the era of whistle blowing and TSA. Banks even find it tough handling some cash.”

    “Papi D. You’re the master of logic. One can rarely fault your logic,” the fellow in jeans screamed. Another in the crowd fired the next question.

    “Sir, what’s your take on Maina, the pension man?”

    “Again, I protest. Take that back. I took nothing from Maina, Mainama, Mininini or whatever you call him. He has been naming those he claimed to have settled; he bribed nobody o; please, note that. But the trouble is that the young man won’t come forward to talk.

    “But the lesson is clear. When you hit it big, don’t spend big. Don’t paint the town red, like a Rock star. In those days when elders dashed us some coins, our mothers used to tell us, maina o in Yoruba; that is to say ‘don’t spend it yet o‘. We kept such money in a safe made of clay, a little pot with a small opening for coins. We broke our safes a few days to Christmas and stormed the market for firecrackers and other stuff.

    “As the Maina matter stands now, we need to hear from Attorney-General Abubakar Malami and his colleague Interior Minister Abdulraheem Dambazzau who have been named as the facilitators of his returns. Did they plan and execute what has now turned out to be the apotheosis of Maina’s chequered career? If so, are they fair to the President? Is this not a betrayal of trust? Let’s keep our fingers crossed.”

    Papi D begins to cough.Hau! Hau! Hmmm! Tears are streaming down his face, landing on his wild beards. He brings out a brownish handkerchief that obviously used to be white, wiping his face and struggling to steady his cracked voice. The atmosphere is choked with the smell of whisky. He brings out a little sachet and tears up the seal with his thick front teeth, devouring its content. His face wearing a big frown, the old man who hails himself as “an experienced lawyer and member of the Innermost of the Inner Bar”, resumes his theatrics.

    “I’m sorry for that short break, gentlemen. You know it’s a weekend and it’s so difficult not to be in the spirit nowadays. If you must remain in high spirits, you need to be in the spirit – always. Anyway, that is by the way.”

    “Papi, that’s ok. We understand. Former President Goodluck Jonathan says he needs N1b to testify in the Metuh case. Is that …?”

    “Yes. That’s a man of style. The former president, who is never known for half measures, is just being modest. His entourage is large – security men, including policemen, soldiers, members of the secret service, local hunters, Ijaw youths and area boys. Chiefs and their palace jesters, not to mention women in uniform Ankara -remember those who showed up the other day to protest Mama Peace’s persecution over her ownership of some chicken feed – and loyal PDP members who number in millions. Will just one Boeing 373 flying from Port Harcourt and other cities be enough to ferry them? How about their hotel bills? Feeding? Incidental allowances? And others?

    “You see, Metuh doesn’t know what it takes to summon a former president to mount the witness box. He should face his case with the bravado he demonstrated before it started. Jonathan should be allowed to enjoy his well deserved rest.”

    “Sir, Diezani says she would like to be tried in Nigeria and the Federal Government won’t allow that. Why?”

    “Smart gal. She saw what happened to that guy in the UK. Here, there will be adjournments, the question of locus, jurisdiction, summons, subpoena, adjournments and all that. At the end of the day, you can even obtain a nolle – our attorneys-general are global authorities in criminal jurisprudence, you know; they subscribe to Blackstone’s Principle–it is better that 10 guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer. I don’t blame Diezani. After all, how much is said to be her loot? I’ve heard some of my kinsmen wondering: die sani (It’s just a small fraction of the entire loot).”

    The barber removes the speaker as the clouds begin to gather for another rainy evening. Papi D carries his bag and announces: “Gentlemen, I rise.” The gathering disperses.

  • Re-Taxation, then and now

    Taxation , then and now”  reminded me how taxes were collected from unwilling tax payers when I was growing up at Ilesa in the fifties.  Tax collection at Ilesa in the fifties was carried out by Council workers led by a  no- nonsense burly man known as Edaogbogun ( a man reputed to be immune to diabolical medicine). To evade being caught by the dreaded tax collectors, people usually fled to their farms as early as 4a.m only to return home at around 8pm when  the marauding tax collectors must have left the streets. In view of this, the tax collectors devised various strategies to trap tax dodgers.

    I  remember the case of an itinerant barber  who was caught by one of these strategies. On one sunny day as he was going round to meet his clients, he saw a group of people drinking palm wine in an abandoned store, and as he could not resist the temptation of a midday palm wine treat, he branched to join this group. He was offered two rounds of drink and he felt at home with the group. Just as he was settling down with his new drinking mates, he saw like an apparition the unmistakable image of  Edaogbogun. Before he could make sense of the situation, he was brought to reality with the booming voice of Edaogbogun who demanded his tax receipt. The barber was astonished since he could not fathom that tax receipt could be demanded at a drinking joint. Since he could not produce any receipt, he was bundled with his bag containing his clippers and other accessories  into a  waiting truck with other tax dodgers  and taken to “Oke Teniteni”( remand  prison) where he stayed until somebody came to pay  his tax.

    Tax collection was a serious business. In the old Western Region,  taxes were necessary to implement the free education and health programmes .  Tax collection was neglected as a result of ‘awufu’ ‘ money from oil after the civil war. Now that the ‘awufu’ money from oil has drastically reduced, the government  wants to revive payment of taxes. This is not going to be easy because for over 50 years there has never been any conscious efforts by the government to make people  pay. A whole generation of Nigerians do not know that it is their duty to pay taxes. To them, only government workers pay taxes.

     

    • Professor Olabode Lucas

    Old Bodija, Ibadan

     

  • Taxation, then and now 

    Taxation, then and now 

    I remember vividly that sunny afternoon. A kid, I was on my way to the market, running an errand for my mum. Right there in the heart of the town, a few minutes away from the palace and opposite the main market was a strange scene.

    A small crowd of sober residents had gathered to watch the odd show. I joined them. And what a moving spectacle! Some men were holding horsewhips. They were watching over a group of men, some of them elderly, who were lying flat on their backs and facing the scorching sun. Any of them who attempted to turn his face away from the sky got horsewhipped . Whenever the whip landed on any of the unlucky men, a shrill cry of pain rang through the gathering.

    Unable to make any sense of it all, I asked an elderly fellow who stood beside me: “Oga, why this? What is going on? His face betrayed some eerie feeling. He said in a sober voice: “They are tax dodgers.”

    That was Ado-Ekiti in the 60s. The fear of the tax collector was real. Men would watch carefully before setting out to their farms if they had not paid their tax. To be caught and lashed was a big humiliation.

    All that has changed. Today, nobody is scared of the taxman. The poor pays one way or the other. The government worker and his private sector counterpart pay. The rich drops a little into the government’s purse.

    Why do people dodge tax? Some believe an inefficient and corrupt government does not deserve to levy taxes. Others dodge taxes just out of ignorance.

    I do not share the thinking that most Nigerians do not want to pay taxes. Ignorance is a big factor in this regard. A friend of mine once spoke of a Lagos taxi-cab driver whose cab he boarded. Passing through the once troublesome Berger bus stop – famous for its crippling traffic jams and terrific pickpockets – on the outskirts of Lagos, the driver screamed as he beheld the great transformation the place had gone through. He praised the government and said excitedly: “Ah, oga, I wan pay tax. Show me where dem dey pay.”

    Now that falling oil prices have turned back the clock, the government is looking at taxation as one of the ways to save the economy. Enter the Voluntary Assets and Income Declaration Scheme (VAIDS). It is all about increasing tax awareness, compliance and, simultaneously, giving tax defaulters a nine-month time frame to regularise their tax affairs with the federal and state governments. This will be done through voluntary, truthful declaration of tax arrears within the nine-month window.

    The poor won’t mind paying; the rich are the tax dodgers. They either do not pay or underpay. Now they have a grace period to, out of their own volition, come forward to pay – thanks to VAIDS. But will they embrace this opportunity?

    The scheme is a baby of the Federal Ministry of Finance, running from 1 July  till 31 March 2018, the period for its first phase. VAIDS offers, as incentives to the participating taxpayer, waivers of penalties on previously unpaid taxes, tax audits, and prosecution for default, as well as  and an opportunity to spread the payment of tax liabilities over three years.

    The overall objective of VAIDS is the correction of the plethora of tax anomalies, with a view to generating income for government and ensuring better income redistribution.

    In the United Kingdom, for example, those on yearly income below £11,500 per pay zero income tax. In France, citizens pay income tax only if they earn above €5,963 yearly and €5,165 in Spain. In Germany, the rate is €8,354. A feature in all the mentioned countries is that income tax rises as income increases.

    The reverse appears to be case in Nigeria. Yet, the country is home to many stupendously wealthy people, who own huge businesses and luxury items, such as yachts, aircraft and some of the world’s costliest automobiles, the types referred to as heaven on wheels. We are one of the leading consumers of Champagne and we gorge on imported rice gulped down with exotic wines.

    When the World Bank released a damning report on Nigeria, saying we are among the world’s five poorest, former President Goodluck Jonathan replied in a boisterous manner that shocked the writers of the report. He said: “We are not poor. If you talk about ownership of private jets, Nigeria will be among the first 10 countries, yet they are saying Nigeria is among the five poorest countries.”

    Some logic there. But it is a fact that no fewer than 29 Nigerians and Nigerian businesses registered their private jets in South Africa to evade taxes in Nigeria – according to the Federal Inland Revenue Service (FIRS). People in this category also own choice homes in the United States and the United Arab Emirates. They use tax havens to hide their wealth.

    VAIDS is offering them a chance to pay up. If they do, the $1b target will be surpassed, I bet. Gradually we will wean our economy off its lethal dependence on oil, which the world is dying to do without.

    When Dr Jonathan made his assertion, oil prices were above $100 per barrel. There seems to be no hope that oil will ever return to that golden era. It is good that the Buhari administration has found a lifeline in VAIDS to fatten the national purse. We seem to have learnt a lesson – we rarely do – that our indifference to tax collection was a grave error of leadership and judgment.

    The effect of falling oil prices started to manifest in 2014, The Federal Government and most of the states began to default in the payment of workers  salaries – paying is now considered a landmark achievement, which politicians celebrate as if it were an Olympic gold medal.

    Over-reliance on oil revenue also left Nigeria near the basement of tax-to-GDP ratios in the world, with the country having 6.1 per cent, according to World Bank estimates. African countries, such as South Africa (26.9), Egypt (15.8) and Botswana (35.2), are better placed than Nigeria in this regard.

    According to the FIRS, of our 70 million taxable adults, only 14 million pay income tax, with 96 per cent of them on the Pay-As-You-Earn (PAYE) system. A 2015 Knight Frank wealth report listed Nigeria as home to an estimated 770 billionaires (in naira terms) out of whom only 214 pay income taxe of N20 million and above.

    This provides uncomplicated indications that self-employed people account for only four per cent of taxpayers and that the country’s billionaires are either not paying or underpaying. It also suggests that tax compliance in the corporate sector has been squalid.

    A similar nine-month tax amnesty initiative implemented in Indonesia this year earned the country $10 billion, attracted 970,000 new taxpayers and an additional $330 billion worth of assets to the tax net.

    The implementation of VAIDS will be assisted by various information-sharing agreements to tackle tax evasion and illicit financial flows.

    Accountability is important. The anti-corruption battle should be reinforced in a way that the public will be assured that stealing from the public till will attract grave consequences.

  • Maina and the fire this time

    Maina and the fire this time

    Bookmakers were shocked on Tuesday when Senators set up a committee to probe how Abdulrasheed Maina, who was fired from the civil servant at the peak of the pension funds scandal, got reinstated and elevated.

    They had thought the National Assembly would give the super civil servant the Dame Patience Jonathan treatment. Banks were ordered to unfreeze the former First Lady’s account – simple act of legislative responsibility to an ex-First Lady who deserves much reverence in a society famous for honoring its dearest citizens.

    Those busybodies who always hide under the nomenclature of social critic and activist in pursuit of their selfish ends went to town. They said the lawmakers’ action was subjudice as there were cases in court. Do they want to teach the lawmakers their job?

    They called the honourables and distinguished ones names – paedophiles, drug pushers, thugs and thieves. This being a newspaper for the discerning mind, I would not bother you with other things they said about our Assemblymen.

    Before President Buhari stepped in to fire Maina (for the final time?), a source close to a popular lawyer had told me he planned to enter a writ seeking to enforce Maina’s fundamental human rights that had been abused in a most obnoxious manner. He was to demand compensation. Thereafter, Maina would issue a press statement, saying he has forgiven all – just as men of his class do whenever they are targets of naked envy.

    Maina’s record will be hard to beat. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) declared him wanted, yet he was all over town, moving like a celebrity. The police chief was summoned by the Senate and ordered to seize him. Alas, Maina was elusive, even as the task force boss had an army of police guards.

    Who ordered Maina’s return and promotion? Where did he get those escorts? Will he surrender to the EFCC? What happens to the pension funds? Who bears the loss? Will his accomplices be punished or polished? And where is he now?

    For Maina – the last three letters of his name stands for “fire” in Yoruba – will the fire this time stay real?

  • A friendship betrayed

    A friendship betrayed

    Where are our animal rights activists?

    If animals could talk and march, we would by now be contending with a huge protest – and justifiably so. Every evil phenomenon is named after some animal. Animals are carriers of the most terrible of diseases. When we take any action that is meant to reverse a bad situation, we draw from the jungle some imagery to convey our message. When we are angry with a public figure we name our pets after him. The tortoise is notorious for being deceitful in Yoruba folklore.  But animals are supposed to be our cousins; our closest friends. What have they done wrong?

    The other day when the First Lady – sorry; I don’t wish to live in the past – the President’s wife spoke of hyenas and jackals in the corridors of power, many were wondering how those dreaded creatures left their comfortable abode in the woods to invade the hallowed seat of power. She said the lion king was on the way back to  drive them out.

    Mrs Aisha Buhari was only using the symbolism of the animal world to describe the power game that was unknown to those far from the scene of action. Now that the lion is back and roaring, are the hyenas and jackals still at work?  Who are they? Animals in human skin (God bless Fela Anikulapo-Kuti’s soul)?  What is their modus operandi? Who are their backers? What is their aim?

    What is their role in the bickering between Minister of State Ibe Kachikwu and Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) boss Maikanti Baru?

    Kachikwu, by the way, seems to have shot himself in the foot, with that sensational letter. If he couldn’t see the President, why was he sitting tight in office? Are his explosive allegations still valid now that the NNPC has laid bare the facts of the matter, which our dutiful senators are threatening to probe?

    A source close to the Villa confided in me the other day that hyenas and jackals truly exist in the seat of power. The only place they have not infiltrated is the “other room”. Again, who are they?

    This is indeed a failure of reporting, of which this reporter is also guilty.

    When the military felt that  kidnapping, armed robbery and such detestable criminal activities were getting out of hand in the Southeast, it launched Operation Python Dance I. All was quiet – for a while.

    Then came Operation Python Dance II. Despite the army’s strident explanation that the exercise was to rid the Southeast of criminals, the Independent People of Biafra (IPOB), now outlawed, claimed that it was all targeted at it and its leader Nnamdi Kanu – where in the world is he? Soldiers and IPOB activists clashed. It was bloody. Heads were smashed and limbs broken.

    No surprise there. What is to be expected when pythons dance? Even in a circus, a python is not a spectator’s toy. It won’t dance for nothing; its dance is a dance of death.

    Kanu, you may wish to recall, had boasted before the “python” slithered its way to his community: “By the time we finish dealing with the enemies in the zoo, there will be none left to tell the story.”

    Where is the zoo? Who are the animals? The insolence was so much that all that was left was for the python to dance. Since it did, Kanu has not been  seen in public. Except for some tepid statements, IPOB has largely been quiet.

    As part of the exercise, the military launched a series of medical missions to attend to many who lack access to good health care. Then, there was commotion everywhere. Parents stormed schools to fetch their children. The story was that the Federal Government had unleashed soldiers on the people who were to be forcibly injected with the monkey pox virus. All attempts by the government to explain that no evil was intended failed to convince the public.

    By the way, monkey pox is another ailment that broke out in Bayelsa State. One of the three patients in the state has committed suicide, we are told. It all sounded strange and people were wondering: another disease borne by an animal? Bush meat vendors and lovers of such delicacies have again been put in disarray. A replay of the Ebola hoopla.

    Undeterred, the military launched its Operation Crocodile Smile in the Southwest. We are yet to hear of any casualty, not even among those fellows who have found a huge fortune in kidnapping people for ransom and their cousins who rob homes and seize the highways. Now many are asking: “When will this crocodile begin to smile?”

    But the commotion has begun. Parents were withdrawing their kids from schools in Ondo State on Tuesday after it was rumoured that they were going to be vaccinated against some diseases, including monkey pox. The rumour mongers were at work in Kwara State yesterday. There was panic among residents when the false news went round that kids were to be forcibly vaccinated.

    I recall my undergraduate days in Benin City. I woke up one sunny morning after a hangover to get some water from the big drum we all fetched from in the backyard of my friend’s mother’s home. That simple routine suddenly turned into a screaming  and dashing flight back to the bedroom.

    As I dipped a bowl into the drum, a crocodile leapt up from the cubicle that housed the drum. I couldn’t wait to see that its huge mouth had been tightly held together by a thick rope. I flung the bucket and rushed in, panting.

    Roused from sleep in an unusual manner, my friend sat up and said: “Bob, wetin dey pursue you?” After catching my breath, I replied: “Ol’ boy, I found a crocodile in the backyard.” Emma was smiling. Softly, he said: “Oh. My mama wan make Olokun.” The crocodile was to be sacrificed to the river god to ward off evil and bring good fortune. I was stunned.

    In the heat of the ebola palaver, animals were indicted as the carrier of the lethal ailment. Hunters and bush meat vendors were sent out of business. When the noise subsided, we went back to our old ways. Were all the animals in the land vaccinated? Was it just a case of giving a dog a bad name to hang it?

    When the President returned from his medical vacation, he could not work from his office, which was to be renovated after rodents, cockroaches and their ilk had messed up the place.

    Even a presidential office could not command some respect from animals. The joke was all over the place that the man nobody could displace had been stopped by mere rodents.

    Who unleashed the rodents? The jackals and hyenas? I am surprised the Senate has not deemed it fit to probe this glaring executive dereliction. Are they waiting for a replay of George Orwell’s Animal Farm before moving?

    It is a busy season for our distinguished senators, I understand. Some are busy probing Senator Hamma Isah Misau’s  allegations of financial impropriety and concupiscence against police chief Ibrahim Idris. Others are threatening to probe the $25b contracts row.

    Even then, they need to spare a thought for the role of animals in our socio-political development.

    President Putin recently got a puppy as a birthday gift from President Berdymukhamedov of Turkmenistan, who grabbed the poor dog by the scruff and lifted it up. Putin cuddled the animal like a baby. A pro-Kremlin journalist, according to a Times of London report, contrasted the Central Asian dictator’s stern handling of the dog with the Russian leader’s softer approach.

    A radio analyst even saw an allegory before the Russian presidential election in March. He said: “Such a handover of the puppy from Asiatic cruelty to European tenderness can be interpreted as make the right choice and you will receive fatherly care, after all we could do it differently…  .”

    Former Italian Prime Minister Benito Mussolini had a pet lion. President Tito, formerly of Yugoslavia, kept a cheetah, among other animals.

    A friend sent me this last week: “Chicken pox, bird flu, lassa fever, ebola, monkey pox, python dance, crocodile smile; have Nigerians in any way offended the gods of the animal kingdom?”

    I really don’t know if we have betrayed our friendship with animals. But a piece of advice: Let our men of power begin to acquire pets. That way, animals may be kind to us, especially now when the best of our hospitals are broke, lacking cotton wool, syringes, hand gloves, bandages, and all such vital tools of medicine.

  • The women are winning

    The women are winning

    For long she kept quiet as her reputation suffered insufferable assault from those who ordinarily should protect her – even adore her. They mounted a massive campaign of calumny against her and everything that she stood for. They called her names, some of which I dare not report here for fear of being accused of hate speech and crass indecency.

    Without iron cast proof – or any proof at all, according to her legal counsel – she was accused of theft (of all offences; as if she is a common Lagos pickpocket); yes, theft, not stealing or corruption or misappropriation or misapplication or diversion as people of her status are often accused.

    Poor woman. Former First Lady Dame Patience Faka Jonathan went through a lot. Her patience apparently overstretched, she has come out to fight. She broke the ice with President Muhammadu Buhari, urging him to rein in the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) and its boss Ibrahim Magu.

    She accused Magu of planning to destroy her and her family in a statement signed by her Chief Press Secretary, Belema Meshack. Dame Patience believes she is being “persecuted because of her unflinching support for her husband during the 2015 elections.”

    “President Buhari should be reminded that his wife also supported him in all the elections he contested against her husband, former President Jonathan, but Dr Jonathan did not at any point in time carry out personal vendetta or go after Buhar’s wife,” she said in an emotional tone.

    Dame Patience said Michelle Obama campaigned vigorously for her husband, “but we are yet to see President Donald Trump move against her.”

    Good logic. Instead of praising her courage, those disgruntled fellows to whom the pursuit of any noble cause is an opportunity to exhibit their frustration, descended on the former First Lady. All the fine points she made in her defence against the accusation of theft, which the EFCC hurled at her, made no sense to them.

    If her mother willed to her the billions –in local and hard currency – she claims to own legitimately, what did the old woman do to earn such a fortune? Was she also a first lady? How much does a permanent secretary earn in Bayelsa State? Could her pay have got her the N6b property just discovered in Abuja? She said some of the cash came from her ice cream trade; is she Unilever?

    The inquisition went on and on. Even Imelda Marcos, in all her excesses, was not this relentlessly pilloried. When shall we begin to respect our dearest ones? Now all that must stop. Buhari will call Magu and his men to order and the Dame will go in peace to enjoy the life of bliss she has so hard to prepare for.

    Indeed, feminists are winning. Their campaign about women’s rights seems to be working, going by the events of the last few days.

    After a long silence, First Lady Aisha Buhari has launched a scurrilous criticism on our healthcare services, dismissing them as poor. She specifically cited the State House Clinic that attracts huge budgetary allocations yearly as lacking basic facilities. The x-ray machine has broken down. There are no syringes, but buildings are being erected, she said.

    I wonder why the President’s wife would expect any official worthy of his Villa access card to pay attention to syringes, plasters, cotton wool and such imperceptible items . They are bought with peanuts. All eyes are on the big projects in which billions are sunk, understandably so.  We need such buildings to keep those equipment Mrs Buhari spoke of. Besides, when the time comes to account for the funds received by the clinic, no serious auditor will be talking about syringes, plasters and such trivial details that cost some millions.

    Besides, is the clinic really meant for the First Family? The Villa is a big community – of gardeners, body guards, drivers, cleaners, stewards, clerks and others, including domestic animals.

    Before Mrs Buhari vented her anger, Her daughter Zahra had asked the clinic’s management to justify its N3b allocation. The query is yet to be answered. The Zahra query reminds the attentive audience of a former minister of Works who was asked by the Senate to justify the ministry’s  N300b allocation in the face of the near collapse of all major roads.  Chief Tony ‘the Fixer’ Anenih simply told the lawmakers to get educated; allocation is different from release, he said. That was the end of the matter.So, dear first daughter, there you have it.

    Just like Dame Patience, former Petroleum Resources Minister Diezani Alison-Madueke has suffered untold verbal assaults from people who could never have been qualified to know even a little about her lifestyle. They said she stole  N47.2b and $487.5m, bribed INEC officials with N362m to rig the 2015 election, bought choice property in Dubai and other cities of note and travelled the world in private jets.

    With remarkable stoicism, she bore it all – insults, lies and abuses. Perhaps  buoyed by the new wave of women activism, Mrs Alison-Madueke has told a court to order that she be allowed to defend herself in one of those numerous cases filed against her associates.

    Since she made that bold move, some cynical fellows who will never fight for their own rights let alone stand up for others, have been calling her names. She is shameless. Shouldn’t greed have a limit, even by her standards? Why will she not just stay in Britain, go through her trial quietly and stroll into jail or freedom? They did not spare her?

    Not to be outdone in the game, the Federal Government through Attorney General Abubakar Malami announced that Mrs Alison-Madueke would not be  allowed to return now.

    That is unfair. Why won’t they admire the former Minister’s courage – that she is threatening to return home and clear her good name? How many of those who have been indicted of looting the treasury are willing to return home?

    Let us spare a thought for women of courage. With so many weak men at the helm of affairs now, who knows, our salvation may well lie in their delicate hands.

    Until he brought in the women angle, nobody listened to Senator Isah Hamman Misau ( Bauchi Central). He accused Inspector General of Police Ibrahim Idris of corruption on a scale beyond imagination. He challenged the anti-corruption agencies to move in. The police fired back. They accused the senator  of being a deserter and threatened to make him account for his unpatriotic action.

    All was quiet. We all thought the matter had been settled in the usual way when big boys fight. Suddenly, Misau showed up in the Senate and accused the police chief of putting an officer in the family way and marrying her to cover up the misdemeanor. That was expolosive or salacious enough for the Senate to set up a high powered committee of members who have been distinguished in such oversight duties to probe Misau’s allegations.

    Now, Idris will have to face the Senate – in uniform – to explain how it all happened. Was it consensual or forced? Who started it all? Was it a case of seduction?  Who seduced who? Are police officers allowed to think about matters of concupiscence while on their delicate duty? In other words, are officers allowed to display their soft side while on duty? Is conjugal disloyalty a reflection of professional laxity? How soft is a police chief’s heart in matters of affection?

    Like a bolt from the blues, allegations of  levelling “injurious falsehood” against the IG have hit Misau. The hunter is now the hunted. Nigeria we hail thee.

    Whichever way it goes, our women should be happy. They are winning.

     

    Ala – Baru versus I- Kachikwu

    The barber shop crowd  – of analysts, emergency experts and loafers – was there again on Saturday. With Papi D presiding, as usual, it was a visitor’s delight.

    A young man fires the first question of the day.

    “Sir, what is this Baru, Kachikwu matter all about?”

    Papi D smiles mischievously and begins with a lengthy reply. All is quiet.

    “You see, when you’re confronted with this kind of wuruwuru situation, with Baru threatening to dabaru everything, you draw from your philosophical and etymological experience.

    “In Oyingbo market, alabaru  is the porter. He is onye-ibu in Ariaria market and mai-kaya in Geri Kasuwa. If you don’t watch him closely, he may disappear with your goods. He may also slip and fall, spilling it all, if he is tired or his basket is overloaded. What you have here is an NNPC chief Baru who has refused to be a porter (alabaru), threatening to destroy (dabaru) everything and spill the beans because of the intrigues (wuruwuru).”

    “That’s a bit complex sir. Can you break it down? Expound your argument, Papi D.”

    “Okay. Listen. Kachikwu means ‘who is greater than God’. Right? Put an ‘I’ in front of that and merge it with the first two letters, taking off ‘Chukwu’; what do you have? “Ika” (evil). When a Baru feels a Kachikwu wants to visit him with evil, you have this kind of situation, which Fela Anikulapo- Kuti (my respects, always) called roforofo.”

    There are many questions. Why will a minister find it difficult to see the President? Did Kachikwu’s letter get to Buhari? They told us no money changed hands; so? Who hasn’t heard about the cashless policy? Why have an NNPC Board with members whose job is just to drink tea and share jokes? What does the future hold for Kchikwu? Not cheery, I’m afraid.

  • A week to remember

    A week to remember

    Last week was indeed a week to remember – on the political scene.

    Former Deputy Senate President Ibrahim Mantu –  remember him? – was gracious enough to let us into the secret of his new-found spiritual fortune.  He said with the confident demeanour of a Bar Beach preacher: “I’m now born again. Whatever I say now is the truth. Some people came to the PDP with nothing and left with billions… . We need to be sober and apologise for what we have done wrong in the past.”

    He wasn’t done. Mantu went on after that arresting preamble: “After fasting and prayer; I fasted for 30 days and nights, asking God to show me who would lead the party. God showed me Adeniran.

    “Let’s now look forward and make sure that we elect a credible chairman. We should make sure that nobody shortchanges us at the national convention.”

    Some leading parapsychologists have since confirmed that Mantu’s apparitional experience, which some have described as mere hallucinations resulting from a long hibernation in political solitude, is real. Ever seen a born again liar? The PDP, going by the Mantu theory, should go into the convention for the acclamation of Professor Tunde Adeniran who seem to have snatched away the prize even before the race begins.

    Will the PDP, sober and contrite, listen to Mantu ? Will the former largest party in Africa beg Nigerians for forgiveness?

    PDP ran Nigeria for 16 years as part of its plan to rule for 60 unbroken years. It was on the way to fulfilling this self-appointed mission to perdition when nature supervened to halt the gravy train. Now the party is threatening to return to power in 2019 – apparently to finish up what it started.  Nigerians have been put on notice.

    Concerning Mantu’s assertion that some people came to the PDP as poor as a church rat and left as rich as dwarves:  Are the anti-graft agencies slumbering? Mantu has joined the growing army of whistle blowers. He needs to name these billionaires. Who are they? Will the EFCC accept the challenge to invite Mantu to help out in the investigation?

    You may accuse him of inconsistency and some other minor indiscretions for which our leading politicians are constantly criticised. But you can’t claim that Mantu is naïve, vacuous and untruthful. He surely knows what he is talking about. He is now born again; remember?

    Talking about being born again, the former Deputy Senate President must have by now forgiven Kaduna State Governor Nasir El-Rufai who once accused him of demanding a bribe – an allegation he vehemently denied but on which he won little sympathy. In the heat of the allegation, Mantu threatened to sue El-Rufai for alleged defamation. He never did.

    Reason,  as usual in such matters of  integrity and politics, prevailed, I suspect.

    Also last week, the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) stepped up its battle to ensure the good people of Kogi West exercise their power to recall Senator Dino Melaye.

    Unable to serve the senator the legal papers for his recall, INEC officials stormed the National Assembly and dumped the documents at his door. But the rambunctious lawmaker insisted that the law was on his side.

    He has been unusually withdrawn since the recall battle hit a crucial stage. Will the INEC action cure Melaye of his kindergarten excesses? To his opponents, he is an insufferable loudmouth who suddenly found himself in a position of importance after a successful foray into the rent-a-crowd trade. His supporters hail him as a loyal bodyguard to the Senate leadership. How many will shed tears for him, should he be forced out?

    Also last week, former President Goodluck Jonathan took some time off the lecture circuit on which he has been so active to serve notice that he would speak on how and why PDP lost the 2015 election that swept him out of office.

    With unusual eloquence, Dr Jonathan told a delegation of former speakers who visited him: “PDP is still the strongest party. We know the reason why we lost. People may be writing left and right; at the appropriate time, some of these things would be properly addressed because of history,

    “There are certain things you don’t write now because it would be misunderstood as if you are playing politics. After some years, five or eight years when the beneficiaries have left, you can state it in writing and people will not fight you.”

    How very disappointing!  Is His Excellency afraid of an intellectual fight? What is so sacred about PDP’s loss that is too big for his presidential mouth to say? If we have to wait for “eight years when the beneficiaries have left”, what then is the PDP’s threat to return to power all about – empty, Ibadan motor park threat of touts?

    How long will it take Dr Jonathan to put together his memoirs? The other time he spoke about being “caged”. The nation is eagerly awaiting details of his days in power. Who caged him? Was he caged physically or spiritually? Or by his own indiscreet devices?

    A prominent PDP chief told me yesterday of his plan to hire the famous musician Charly Boy (does he still play music?) to mobilise a large army of okada riders and other members of his Our Mumu Don Do group for a huge 21-day rally to force Dr Jonathan to shed his fears and talk. I wish him all the best in this venture.

    Of all the events of last week, the most exciting – and moving, many would insist – was Ekiti State Governor Ayo  Fayose’s threat to join the yet-to-be-opened  2019 presidential race. His Excellency announced his intention to run in Abuja. With him were some party stalwarts and a crowd of supporters, many of them from his home state and obviously grateful beneficiaries of his much envied Stomach Infrastructure programme – going by their protruding tummies and robust cheeks.

    Former Aviation Minister Femi Fani-Kayode spared some time from his court matters to add colour to the event. So did  Otunba (sorry, I take that back; a slip there) Dr Iyiola Omisore, who an uninformed fellow said was shifting in his seat because EFCC boys could storm the place any moment.

    Dr Tope Aluko – yes; the one who went on television to display with so much bravado how he claimed the election that brought Fayose to office was rigged – was also there to lend him a hand. There were many other dignitaries who were falling over one another to shake hands with the man of the moment.

    Renowned for his integrity, Fayose vowed to defeat President Muhammadu Buhari and fight corruption with greater vigour. God, said the governor, told him that he would lead the country. On that, some innocent commentators retorted: “Will God be so benevolent?”

    With a straight face devoid of any emotion, the governor said: “My party leaders, standing before you is Peter ‘The Rock’ Ayodele Fayose, the man already destined by God to take Nigeria out of the present political and economic stagnation.”

    An attentive politician remarked: “The Rock”? Where is Peter Obi?’’

    Fayose did not see zoning as a stumbling block to his ambition. He likened himself to the biblical Joseph, stressing that God had ordained him to win the much coveted trophy. Besides, he said the party should not beg aspirants from the North to show interest in the race. He also reeled off a list of politicians from the North who ran in 1999 and 2003 when the ticket was zoned to the South.

    Our elders are right; one’s enemy will never kill a big game. Instead of admiring Fayose’s courage, some political pundits, who have never got it right, went to town. They said he was in the race to prevent any major calamity that might assail his future. “They are after me because they don’t want me to run o,” the pundits are already quoting Fayose as saying.

    Why can’t he settle down and find a way of paying the state’s suffering workers? they wonder. They seem to have forgotten that other states are also owing workers. Should paying salaries be elevated above the divine task of saving Nigeria? Is it a personal matter? Is Fayose the one owing them?

    Trust his supporters and admirers who number in millions. Ever since His Excellency’s announcement, they have been celebrating. The Stomach Infrastructure programme will now be a national affair. All Nigerians will be well fed with chicken and rice handed out occasionally by the president himself.

    Such delicacies will no longer be the exclusive preserve of the rich and powerful. To hell with roads, schools, hospitals and all such distractions.

    Never again will the budget be stuck at the National  Assembly. The president will go there, dressed in a casual polo shirt, his own gavel in his hand and a retinue of aides and youths hailing. That way, development will be faster.

    Traders will have a great time. The president will surely be with them every market day. Roadside corn sellers, rejoice. Now your most famous customer will be president. Paradise is on the way.

    Fayose’s shoulders are full of glittering epaulets. “Architect of modern Ekiti, Leader of the Opposition, Ore mekunnu (friend of the poor), Osokomole, Irunmole to’n je jollof rice ati ponmo (the deity that eats jollof rice and cow hide), Apesin”, and more.

    Now coming into your lives as a fixture :  President Ayo Fayose. How does that sound?

     

  • OF activists, separatists and terrorists

    OF activists, separatists and terrorists

    WHERE is Nwannekaenyi ‘Nnamdi’ Kenny Okwu , who is simply known and addressed as Mazi Nnamdi Kanu?

    The fiery young man of Afara-uku, a London returnee who is the leader of the proscribed Indigenous People of Biafra (IPOB) has gone underground since the military’s Operation Python Dance II grounded his group of cudgel-wielding and stone hurling youths in whose hearts he had ignited a huge fire of revolution.

    He promised a new country, Biafra, an Eldorado that will offer the teeming army of suffering youths new opportunities to realise their dreams. The shepherd has fled and the sheep are in disarray. What a pity.

    Kanu was deified by many. They kissed his feet and ascribed to him some ethereal powers. He talked tough and loud. His rhetoric was venomous and acerbic. He poured out insults as if he was engaged in a motor park brawl. His supporters goaded him on. He was their Pied Piper to whom they flocked like bees to honey. Old men, who should have cautioned him to pull the brakes, muffled their voices of wisdom. They had found in him a messiah. He was their Moses who would lead the march to the promised land of Biafra.

    Alas, it was all a castle in the air. Fantasy. Dreams. Illusion with perhaps a tinge of hallucination. A young man who loves life like any other of his age, romantic (photographed on a London street planting a kiss on a woman’s face), educated and enlightened with prospects of a great future dumping it all for a secessionist tendency. What sense do we make of this? Ambition? Chivalry?

    You never get it wrong in a barber shop. There will always be answers to seemingly knotty questions. Besides, the air of freedom, the conviviality and the sheer camaraderie are unmistakable. And so to the place I headed yesterday.

    As usual, it was throbbing with people – ordinary folks with no airs, self-acclaimed experts and emergency analysts.

    From a loudspeaker planted on one side of the door, a hip hop artiste was dishing out some danceable stuff with esoteric lyrics. Some youths watched as two men slugged it out on the draught board.  Others just sat down, sharing jokes and laughing like guests at a comedy show. Some were holding cans of a popular energy drink. Others clutched bottles of beer, which they held tightly as if they were some prizes given out after a race.

    On the wall is a big portrait of the late Jamaican songster, Robert Nesta Marley, a big roll of weed in his mouth, which was belching out thick white smoke. Under the picture is inscribed “thank you for not smoking”.

    A commercial motorcycle, popularly called okada, rumbled its way to the frontage of the shop and stopped suddenly. An old man with a big bag slung on his ageing shoulder walked in, dragging his feet and flashing some teeth that could obviously do with some brushing.

    “Papi D is here o,” a young man called out.. It was an announcement fit for the royalty. All heads turned in the direction of the new guest. The barber, who had been immersed in his work like a painter doing some murals, turned and smiled. He shook his balding head and went back to work.

    The man dumped his bag on the cluttered floor and headed for the bathroom. He returned and raised his two hands in salutation like a politician paying obeisance to his constituents. A young man yielded his seat to him. He sank in and the seat creaked.

    A fellow with a loose tie and a pair of glasses, said to be a banker, set the ball rolling. He unleashed a torrent of questions.

    “Welcome sir. What is all the noise about Kanu? Has the government handled the matter with tact? Are we breeding another Mohammed Yusuf scenario that bred Boko Haram? Do we really need to kick his ass? Where are the elders?”

    The old man smiled. “You see, the first question to ask is, are the actions of Kalu and his cohort of excited youths legal? I will answer that. Yes and no. Yes; they are entitled to their freedom of speech and association. No; there is no freedom that is limitless. It all ends when it becomes a threat to the corporate existence of the nation and a pain in the neck for others. The young man’s belligerency was getting worrisome.

    “Can there be tact without facts? Should the government have smashed the group? Again, yes and no. Since the Kanu matter was in court, the way to go was to return to court and sort it out. Yes; if it is true that his boys hurled missiles at soldiers who were getting set for the new dance craze, the dance of pythons. Soldiers will always kill a fly with a sledge hammer, you know.”

    “As for the elders, I think they either tacitly sanctioned Kanu’s excesses or were just indifferent, believing that ‘a young man who would not heed the warning to stay away from leprosy should be ready to live alone in the forest’.  The governors didn’t move fast and other politicians were obviously positioning themselves   to profit from the delicate matter. Now the chicken has come home to roost.”

    “Sir, Papi D. But, there were respectable people who either showed solidarity  with Kanu or persuaded him to embrace peace  and give Nigeria’s unity a chance.”

    The old man covered his mouth as if he was going to cough. His eyes creased in a sudden burst of some strange emotion. He reached out for his bag and pulled out a sachet of a white liquid, which he tore open with his teeth. He gulped it down all at once and the smell of gin perfused the place.

    “I’m sorry, gentlemen for that short break in transmission. My spirit tells me I should be in high spirits as we seem to be approaching the spiritual angle to this matter. You see, it wasn’t for lack of eminent people that Kanu had to cross the line. Being eminent does not confer wisdom on you.   I recall that a governor once dressed up like an Igbo gentleman – a long dress decked with glittering buttons, red cap and all that – and went to the hearing of Kanu’s case to encourage him. He even declared that his state was part of the Biafra Kanu dreamt of.  How is this fellow different from those exuberant boys who kissed Kanu’s feet?”

    “Thank you, Papi D. Is it right to call IPOB a terrorist organisation?”

    “You see, the government pressed the panic button too early. Two wrongs a right do not make. That is that. Activism should be distinctly differentiated from terrorism, but it is convenient to call a dog a bad name in order to hang it. The government said IPOB had its secret service, Kanu was inspecting guards of honour mounted by his Biafra National Guard and the group was extorting money at checkpoints.

    “Looking back, isn’t the young man lucky? When Fela – of exciting memories – proclaimed his Kalakuta Republic – pulsating Afrobeat music, scantily dressed women, ganja, gin and all that – soldiers stormed the place and burnt it down. His aged mum was thrown down from the balcony. She died of the trauma.

    “Besides, isn’t the civil war enough a lesson for us?”

    “Sir, where is Kanu? “

    “Kanu? Look young man, that question is not for me. Ask Senator Enyinnaya Abaribe and the Jewish high chief priest, Immanuu El-Shalum who took his bail. I am sure they can produce him.

    “I also asked that question when somebody was saying he may have disappeared for some spiritual hibernation to mitigate the traumatic effect of the military assault he suffered. The fellow was suggesting that the Kanu family should hire the musician – activist and architect of the  “Our-mumu-don-do” protests to stage a million-man march for Kanu. The aim will be to unravel the mystery of Kanu’s sudden disappearance.”

    “Hmm, Papi D. What is the way out of all this and other related matters, including the marginalisation of the Igbo.”

    “Marginal-what? You see, I was delivering a speech at the palace the other day and one learned fellow raised this matter. My take is that the Igbo man is too resourceful – connected, educated, rich in cash and intellect, and talented – to be marginalised. He will find fulfillment in a restructured Nigeria. Secession is extremism. It won’t help.

    “I recall a joke that once made my day:

    “An Edo man invited his friends for his mother’s burial. After lowering the coffin, the family placed a piece of yam, rice, meat etc in the grave– in line with tradition.

    “Why, a Hausa man asked?

    “The Edo man smiled and said, according to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey and need all the food items they can get.

    “The Hausa man dropped N100,000 inside the grave and said, ‘when the food finish, buy more’.  A Yoruba man dropped N50,000 and said,  ‘Add this in case the money is not enough’.

    “The Igbo man smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of N200,000, dropped it in the coffin and took the N150,000  as  change. He then said, ‘Nwanne, withdraw when you reach dia o…It is going to be a dangerous journey; we don’t know how many robbers are out there and, after all, we are in a cashless economy na! Travel well o!”

    “Tell me, can anyone ever marginalise a people like that?” Papi D said with a mischievous grin.

  • Of hate speech, elders and leaders

    Of hate speech, elders and leaders

    In those days when they were venerated as custodians of wisdom, elders dutifully rebuked children for insulting those older than them. Foul language attracted a frown. When the matter was thought to be serious, the cane surfaced with a whack on the head.

    Not anymore.

    Respect and moderation have lost their meanings. Public discourse has taken on the colour of abuse. Politics has become toxic; a do-or-die affair.

    Vice-President Yemi Osinbajo’s warning that hate speech will be treated as terrorism has somehow dampened the vociferous push for the dismemberment of Nigeria. The argument has been downgraded to restructuring. The debates are exciting.

    But what is hate speech? Is there really a clear correlation between hate speech and terrorism?

    The Arewa youths who issued the Igbo an October deadline to quit the North have since withdrawn their threat. Our hearts were pounding. It was like awaiting the arrival of some hurricane. But Independent People of Biafra (IPOB) leader Nnamdi Kanu keeps opening his mouth wide.

    We need to draw the line between hate speech and all that blabbing and babbling by our politicians. Besides, we should do nothing to endanger freedom of speech, which is a fundamental pillar of democracy.

    Consider Senator  Isa Misau (APC, Bauchi), whom the police have been seeking to take in since he levelled some allegations against the leadership. He said officers paid as much as N2.5m for special promotion through the Police Service Commission (PSC). Furious, the police went after the retired officer and accused him of deserting the Force.

    The lawmaker went ballistic. He hurled more allegations at the police and threatened to report the matter to the Senate.

    Who will investigate the police? All we hear are threats against Misau, who has been accused of everything, including forgery, defamation and perjury. None of these charges has been proven.  I suspect the police may one day slam the gentleman with a charge for making hate speeches against their revered leadership.

    The Senate will respond by summoning the police chief, who must come in uniform, to explain why he allowed his good offices to be used in fractions aimed at lowering  the esteem of a distinguished senator.

    A bill that will hold the record of being the fastest to be passed into law seems to be on the way to the Senate. The hate speech bill has won the heart of the much respected Senate. Renowned law teacher Prof Itse Sagay had accused the lawmakers of fleecing the treasury by taking home huge salaries and allowances, which remain secret to the taxpayer. Instead of denying this with facts and figures, senators tore at him with invectives.

    Unrepentant, the professor challenged the lawmakers to come clean on the allegations. They refused and accused him of making hate speeches against the Senate of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. We all know that the Senate harbours our distinguished men and women of whom we are so proud. Hate speeches against them will not be allowed to gain credibility and thereby bring the lawmakers ridicule, odium and scorn from right thinking Nigerians.

    Nevertheless, it won’t  be out of place to ask: when will the Senate bring down the gavel on this allegation of jumbo salaries and allowances by baring it all? Are senators afraid of the public backlash if their pay is found to be indeed outrageous? Or is it a matter of mere pride – that the salary and allowances are private and personal?  But the cash comes from the public purse, doesn’t it?

    Will Sagay now be seized and hurled before the senators for alleged terrorism to test the law?

    Just as Misau has stood by his allegations against the police, Senator Aisha “Mama Taraba”Alhassan has remained unshaken in her resolve to dump President Muhammadu Buhari for former Vice-President Atiku Abubakar should the latter choose to run for president in 2019. She said so on a visit to Atiku and sealed it all with an interview on the BBC Hausa Service.

    Some patriots, including those who call themselves Buharists (I still don’t get what that means) , among them Kaduna Governor Nasir El-Rufai, are falling over one another to defend the President. They are calling for Alhassan’s head, accusing her of disloyalty and of making hate speeches against Buhari, who has so far demonstrated the wisdom of a clever old man in this matter. Mama Taraba remains the minister of Women Affairs. Sycophancy, indeed, has its limits.

    Alhassan’s courage and sincerity in a society that lacks bold men and women and hacks down its brave ones have been praised. Hers is surely no hate speech. But many have descended on El-Rufai for showing his hand in the matter. They have gone into the archives to dig out what his former boss, former President Olusegun Obasanjo, said of him in reply to what El-Rufai wrote about him in his book, “The accidental public servant”, which many have predicted to be the forerunner of a more current volume to be titled, “The accidental governor”.

    Of El-Rufai, Obasanjo wrote: ” Nasir’s penchant for reputation savaging is almost pathological…I recognised his weaknesses, the worst being his inability to be loyal to anybody or any issue consistently for long, but only to Nasir El-Rufai… My vivid recollection of him is penchant for lying, for unfair embellishment of stories and his inability to sustain loyalty for long…”

    A memo El-Rufai wrote to President Buhari in which he declared the APC a failure has bobbed up from  nowhere. All this in an attempt to expound the view that of the governor, it cannot be said “he is as straight as a gun”.

    So long for a Buharist and his ilk.

    Just after the Mama Taraba bombshell, Atiku stoked up a fresh argument, saying he had been abandoned by the APC, which he claimed to have helped to win the 2015 election. Besides, he was obviously saying that he had been tarred – wrongly, he insists – with the brush of corruption. He challenged anybody with proof of his alleged corruption to bring it up or keep quiet forever.

    Poor Atiku. So discomfited was he  that he told his traducers to purge themselves of the wrong feeling that every rich man must have made it not by  dint of hard work but by some undue advantage – fraud, to be precise.

    He said he did not become the vice-president in 1999 as a pauper because he had been a successful investor after his retirement from the Customs Service. “If Atiku is a thief merely because of his resourcefulness and successful investments, my political enemies should tell Nigerians the source of their stupendous wealth,” Atiku said. He did not name his political enemies. Was the Turaki Adamawa afraid of being charged with making hate speeches?

    There is no need to get emotional over these matters, Your Excellency. The hate speech law will soon be here to put the purveyors of these allegations against you in their place. You are not the only one being maligned.

    The other day a friend sent me a photograph of the devastation of the hurricane that has ravaged parts of the United States with the caption: “Florida. We thank God that our own disaster is politicians defrauding us, not nature.”

    Now a note of caution to all those who -without proof – accuse the Senate of harbouring criminals, liars, pedophiles, forgers and drug pushers:  Watch out. The hate speech law will soon be activated and you may face terrorism charges.

     

    Biafra: Time to roll back the tanks

    The crisis in some parts of the Southeast should not be allowed to escalate. The separatist leader, Nnamdi Kanu, is on bail, but he keeps rocking the boat through his speeches, in violation of his  bail terms. He appears to have successfully rallied behind his cause a large army of youths, some of who have sworn to go the whole hog with him.

    The military has launched “Operation Python Dance” to rein in criminals in the Southeast. It has said that the action is not targeted at the Independent People of Biafra (IPOB).

    A group of soldiers passing through Kanu’s home have clashed with the activists. IPOB said somebody died. The military claimed nobody died. Soldiers stormed the Nigeria Union of Journalists (NUJ) office in Umuahia, smashing work tools.

    A policeman was killed yesterday in Port Harcourt.

    The Igbo man is naturally endowed with skills to excel in a united Nigeria. What he should push for is an environment where he can use his God-given talents without any hinderance, and a fair share of the national patrimony. Not secession.

    Boko Haram is still on the rampage. Kidnappers are on the loose. Armed robbers remain in business and poverty is rumbling through the land.  This is not the time for another national upheaval.

    Let’s muffle the drums of war. Let’s roll back the tanks.

  • Buhari’s return: 12 days after

    Buhari’s return: 12 days after

    Those who thought President  Muhammadu Buhari would not make it back home from his London medical vacation must by now be wondering how they got it all wrong. Simple. Some of them were so sure of the President’s health status that they vowed to commit suicide if he ever returned to Nigeria.

    They did not realise that there is an unseen hand at work in human affairs.

    As if to underscore the futility of their calculations, there was talk of hyenas and jackals seizing the Villa. They would be evicted on the lion king’s return, the President’s wife vowed.

    That powerful imagery sparked a lot of reactions.  It carried the insinuation that a vicious cabal was at work at the Villa. The Presidency issued a strong denial, but it cut no ice with the cynical public that had come to believe that a cabal was indeed haunting the Presidency .

    Besides, a strange group, led by the eccentric musician, Charles Oputa, also known as Charly Boy (never mind the nickname; he’s 66) mounted a protest  to push its Buhari -must -return-or-resign battle. When nobody listened to them, they stormed the Wuse market to woo the traders to their cause. The traders detested that. They replied with stones and cudgels. Charly Boy and his followers were beaten, battered and bloodied. They fled the scene. Never to return.

    Then the President returned. That was on August 19. The reception was tumultuous. It brought back memories of the electoral campaigns that heralded Buhari’s victory at the poll two years earlier.   Excited residents lined the route from the airport, screaming: “Sai baba!”

    Buhari made a short broadcast that drew comments ranging from the  objective to the downright ridiculous. Some said it was short as if there is a rule that a presidential speech must always be long, full of anecdotes, clichés and unnecessary allusions. Others dissected the content and condemned the language.

    They said it was indecent of the President to say that “terrorists and criminals” must be “destroyed”.

    What is their problem if  they are neither terrorists nor criminals?

    I think Buhari made his point. The message was loud and clear. Anyway, has the President, taciturn and seen by many to be choleric, ever been a man of many words?  He said Nigeria’s unity was “settled and non-negotiable”. What is wrong in that? He never said apostles of “restructuring”, “federalism”, “regionalism” and all other ideological postulations should never air their views. No. Buhari only stated the position of his administration. In any case, do Nigerians agree on what “restructuring” is all about?

    The President met with security chiefs, apparently to find out why the Boko Haram insurgency seemed to have taken on a new vigour and kidnappers were having a field day, even as robbers remained unchallenged.

    He also met with governors and leaders of the major political parties, including the All Progressives Congress (APC) and the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP). Buhari called for a vibrant opposition. The Labour Party (LP) and the Advanced Peoples Democratic Alliance Party (APDA) protested that they were not invited.

    A politician who wished not to be named, retorted: “LP? Yes; maybe. APDA? Do they think it is a town hall meeting or a village square gathering?” The Presidency replied that only the APC and the PDP had asked for the meeting.

    Among the few who did not attend the meeting was Ekiti Governor Ayo Fayose, one of the President’s most unrelenting critics whose vituperations have been condemned by many as a kind of hate speech. He had actually threatened to release 11 photographs of the President in a bad shape at a London hospital. Now, many are saying the governor may have been duped by the unknown photographers.

    But Fayose had an excuse for not attending the meeting.   He was in Ado-Ekiti, taking a chieftaincy title. Now His Excellency has added another one to his heavy bag of titles. You may wish to recall that the House of Assembly once met to proclaim him “the leader of the opposition in Nigeria”. Before then, he had conferred on himself the title “Architect of modern Ekiti”. He is also Ore mekunnu, friend of the poor, the Osokomole,” Ebora t’onje jollof” and “Inventor of stomach infrastructure”. Now in the kitty is Apesin of Ado-Ekiti.

    Even Idi Amin must be envious wherever he is now. At this rate, Fayose will soon shatter the former Uganda strongman’s record.

    The President replied critics of his long stay in London. He said mockingly: “In fact, some groups…asked that I should go back home. Indeed, I have come back home. I hope those who went there are not stuck there. I hope they will come back and join us.”

    Buhari last Thursday signed nine agreements with the United Arab Emirates (UAE). They cover the economy, security and the anti-corruption battle, among others. Some Nigerians are believed to have hidden their ill-gotten wealth in Dubai. Now they will have problems keeping such wealth. Among them are former Petroleum Minister Diezani Alison-Madueke, seven ex-governors, some ex-ministers and businessmen.

    After a meeting with some ministers and Central Bank Governor Godwin Emefiele,  the President announced that the economy was picking up. Strangely,  there has been no contrary opinion. Is the recession over only in official circles?

    Of all the events that have occurred since Buhari’s return, none has been as controversial as the seemingly innocuous announcement that the President would be working from home because his office would need some renovation, having been run over by rodents.

    When the history of the Buhari presidency is written, there is no doubt that the deployment of the animal imagery to drive home some messages will be a strong theme.  The other day, we had the lion, hyenas and jackals. Today, rats have taken over the seat of power, forcing the President to be working from home. Talk about the audacity of rats.

    To his critics, the announcement that Buhari would be working from home was indicative of his state of health. If he was hale and hearty as being touted by his aides and associates, they reasoned, why should he be working at home just because some rats had invaded the office in his absence? Are rats not part of our common urban mess in which we have learnt to operate, with man and rat showing mutual respect for each other?

    From very serious discussions on security, patriotism and the economy, the subject has shifted to – of all things- rats and their powers.

    A Lagos rat poison vendor has mounted a small billboard to advertise his trade. The board has a green-white-green national motif with a big picture of a rat in flying posture, its hind legs firmly on the ground. On the board is the message: “Come talk to us before they chase you out. They chased out the lion.”

    Even in the animal kingdom, the rat has never been this elevated and celebrated. Now, the tortoise, with all its wiles and cunning, will be full of envy. The rat, a detested pest, has become the toast of the town, featuring in discussions in newsrooms, staffrooms and restrooms.

    The talk in juristic and law-enforcement circles, I gather, is that the rat would have been taken in for alleged treasonable felony if it had been in the days gone by when we had attorneys-general who were alive to their delicate duties, churning out decrees by the hour. Not anymore.

    Those who are sympathetic to the Villa have praised the authorities for the swift move to curtail what is being seen by political opponents as the growing influence of rats in the polity. Among them are those who warned that the nation lost billions of Naira to wharf rats who made huge containers of quality goods, including raw materials for factories, vanish at our ports, just like that. And now, there are Villa rats to which the President must cede his office – seat, table, flags and all.

    What is the world coming to, they are asking?

    Trust the Presidency. No rats will cross its red line and get away with it. Construction giant Julius Berger has been hired to dislodge them and renovate the office. A source who claims to have seen the contract has told me in confidence that the rats will be spared and discreetly relocated. The wisdom, he says, is to avoid a clash with animal rights activists, following intelligence reports that the services of Charly Boy’s “Our mumu don do” protesters may be procured to march on the Villa in a desperate bid to affirm the rights of the rats to a decent life.

    There is no bad situation without a redeeming feature. Now, those who draw up  the Villa’s yearly budget need no reminder that money must be set aside to keep rats, flies and ants away from the President’s office.

    Trust Nigerians, they have already found an avenue for jokes in all this. A friend sent me this: “Nobody should come and tell us that they spent N200 million for rat eradication at the President’s office. Price list for rat poison brands : N100 for rat bomb; N200 for Kill and Dry; N350 for Rat Roundup,  and N400 for Otapiapia. And if all that fails, dem dey sell two wild Ajaokuta pussycats, male and female N500 for Wuse market and they guarantee your money back if you even smell any rat after 24 hours of lodging them in-house.

    “I have said my own o.”

    As I see it, there is no need to groan and moan over the President’s plan to work from home. Must we carry placards over every issue, no matter how trivial? In any case, where is our sense of humour, the one that fetched us the enviable accolade of  “The  happiest people on earth”?

    Don’t we need it now that the times are so hard?