The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

  • Senators at work

    Senators at work

    UNKNOWN to its army of critics, the Eighth Senate is methodically writing its way into the history books. In other words, by the time it winds down and becomes history, it would have entered history – as the most memorable assemblage of our best.

    The pace of legislative work is breathtaking. It is unprecedented. The Bill to prohibit tribal marks is almost ready. So also is the one on genital mutilation. Many resolutions and motions have been passed,  including the one for Nigerian men to be allowed to marry two wives, moved by Senator Ali Ndume, the fellow who got into trouble by suggesting, perhaps against all known ethical standards of the Senate, that Senate President Bukola Saraki and Senator Dino Melaye be investigated.

    All this and more are targeted at eliminating all those ideas, thoughts and practices that have held Nigeria hostage.

    But will the hunter’s enemies ever concede to him that he has killed a big game? Will they ever stop saying, “See the little animal he has killed and he celebrates himself as a great hunter?”  The Senate, like the hunter, keeps attracting critics who will never appreciate its huge contributions to the survival of our democracy.

    Consider the simple matter of the Customs chief Hameed Ali who has been honoured with a summons to appear before the Senate in the uniform of the Comptroller General (C.G.). He has refused to oblige. He says the matter has become the subject of a legal dispute and any further move, thought, action and statement on it would be prejudicial to the proceedings. The Senate stands its ground, insisting that Col. Ali must comply with its resolution or face sanctions.

    From a small Committee Room at the National Assembly where Col. Ali was turned back on account of improper dressing, the matter has become the subject of major discussions in restrooms, newsrooms, staffrooms and courtrooms. Everywhere.

    Some say Ali should just have respected the institution of the Senate – not necessarily the senators – by wearing the uniform. By so doing, say those who belong in this school of thought, he would  be contributing his own quota to building institutions, an ideal which we all must pursue to nurture our democracy to maturity. Individuals will pass on but institutions will remain, perhaps forever, they say.

    Others disagree, saying: “Uniform or no uniform, is the Customs Service doing well or not? Those who wore the uniform in the past, what did they do? Why make a mountain out of a molehill? Na uniform we go chop?”

    Contrary to what some people have been alleging without proof, the Senate did not embark on the Ali-must-wear-Customs-uniform debate out of idleness or to kill boredom.

    One usually knowledgeable source has told me exclusively that, after what he described as a long, tortuous, painstaking and rigorous intellectual brainstorming, after considering all the facts available to it, the Senate came to the firm conclusion that if  all key government officials wear uniforms, there would be a dramatic improvement in our standards of living. Life expectancy would skyrocket, infant mortality would be a thing of the past, and poverty would get a final farewell. Besides, corruption would be checkmated in its desperate bid to kill Nigeria.

    Senators, in other words, have discovered that our problem as a nation lies essentially in our mode of dressing.

    Imagine the Works, Power and Housing Minister going to work in a workman’s boots, overalls or a pair of jeans and a helmet. This, going by the exotic wisdom and logic of the senators’ formula, will surely make everybody sit up. The  epileptic electricity supply will give way to a new era of abundance in which more ECOWAS countries will enjoy uninterrupted supply – courtesy of Nigeria. All the potholes on our roads will simply disappear and we will all be driving with great pleasure. Old, rickety bridges will be smashed and in their place new, glittering edifices that will make many of the world’s big cities envious. What is more, every Nigerian who desires to own a house will have his dream fulfilled.

    The minister of Health, needless to say, should always deck out in a doctor’s white coat, a stethoscope dangling on his neck like a hip hop star’s golden necklace. All the challenges that have ailed that sector – strikes, obsolete equipment, fake drugs, fake personnel and poor funding, will, of course, vanish like ice cream under the scorching sun.

    Aviation has been in the news recently, with the closure of the Abuja Airport and the rehabilitation of the alternative Kaduna Airport. Would all the noise over the repair of the Abuja Airport’s runway be necessary if Minister Rotimi Amaechi had adopted the uniform formula? Imagine the honourable minister showing up in a pilot’s uniform. There would have been no such problem as safety concern, grounded airlines, inadequate navigational aids and shortage of funds. Above all, no aircraft will drop from the sky.

    The controversial matter of Senator Dino Melaye’s educational background seems to have been settled somehow. He did everything to convince the world that he at a certain time was a student of the famous Ahmadu Bello University(ABU). He posted on the internet a picture of his NYSC days, with the senator wearing just a blue shirt while others turned out in the NYSC uniform. In fact, the Vice Chancellor was at the National Assembly to testify that Melaye was, indeed, a former student who went by the name Daniel Jonah Melaye.

    Melaye, fearing that all this might not avail, stormed the National Assembly in an academic gown. And all the noise subsided. Ah, the power of a uniform. His action, many have said, was a denigration of the academic culture. He is not qualified to wear the particular dress he wore as it is not for holders of first degrees.

    Another source, no less reliable, has just told me how, long before the uniform issue became the subject of a national debate, a minister had discovered the astounding gains of wearing a uniform. He designed one for himself and has been wearing it for official and private engagements.

    Those ignorant fellows who hide under dubious appellations, such as analysts, public affairs commentators and social critics, descended on the minister. Some described him as a new Civil Defence recruit awaiting his first set of uniforms. Others said he was an overzealous member of the Boys Scout. Yet, others dismissed him as an ex-serviceman-turned-doorman.

    But, nobody, not even the most virulent of his critics, will deny that his ministry has recorded some marvelous achievements that have made him the envy of his peers. Again, the wonders of a uniform.

    Step forward Solomon Dalong, the Honorable Minister of Youth and Sport.

    Now, those who have seen the senators’ fixation with uniforms as an aberration may have a rethink. Among them are those who turned it all into jokes to deride the lawmakers. I recall one of such jokes, which a colleague sent to my mobile: “PHCN. So una  finally increase una tariff after the Senate directed otherwise. Your MD must appear in uniform to explain.”

    The Senate has suspended the confirmation of 27 Resident Electoral Commissioners (RECs) because, according to them, Ibrahim Magu, the Acting Chairman of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), is still at his desk after failing to clear the confirmation hurdle, following a damning report from the Department of State Services (DSS).

    Magu denies any wrongdoing and is contesting the report.

    Senators are angry also that Secretary to the Government of the Federation (SGF) Babachir Lawal shunned their invitation to answer questions on the N1.3b Presidential Initiative on the North East (PINE) contracts. He should be fired, the lawmakers said.

    President Buhari remains quiet. Magu continues to press the throttle of investigations of alleged financial misdemeanors of some Senate President Bukola Saraki’s aides. At issue is about N3.5b said to be part of the Paris-London Club loan refund to states.

    An unconfirmed source, whose maternal uncle is close to an aunt of a senator’s friend, has just told me that if the Executive still remains unyielding after the suspension of the confirmation of the RECs, the distinguished fellows will simply pass a resolution to disband it.

    A senator of the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) will stand up and plead to be allowed to raise “a matter of national importance”. The Senate President, presiding, will recognise him.

    He begins to scream, his right hand pumping the air, the left holding his babaringa dress that keeps falling off his shoulders, the rage that has seized the hallowed chamber etched on his visage:

    “Considering the fact that Nigeria must not be allowed to be a greedocracy, a government of the greedy, by the greedy and for the greedy. And whereas I am ready to say the truth rather than toe the line of lies like the Executive, I hereby move that we, this distinguished Senate, suspend the Presidency until further notice. All those being persecuted for alleged corruption are hereby asked to go about their businesses in peace. President Buhari has 14 working days to report here and address distinguished senators on why Magu and Lawal are still in office. Buhari is hereby ordered to appear in the full regalia of the Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria. And I so move.”

    A stampede to second the motion follows.  Then, a brief debate, spiced with exceptional bitterness.

    The motion is put to the vote

    Verdict:  “The ayes have it”.

    No prize for figuring out the mover of this motion.

     

  • As Buhari returns

    As Buhari returns

    President Muhammadu Buhari is back. Not to the back room of presidential exertions; he is back in his office at the Villa.

    Gone are the rumour mongers, the yarn spinners who kept our heads gyrating like a shoe making machine, the self-styled presidential-conduct experts, the anarchists, the emergency futurists and the fatalists. Among them also are those inquisitive fellows he aptly described as mischief makers. They are gone.

    In their place are the youths who are marching to show their love for the President Buhari, who returned to work on Monday after being away for about 50 days on medical vacation.  Back also are those infectious presidential smiles that have lit up the Villa once again, even as he told of his medical odyssey. And what a moving story. “I have never been this sick… .”

    While he was away, the rumour mill – and the wicked millers – hit overdrive. Some said an army of surgeons was working on Buhari for days at a hospital they refused to disclose. Others listed all manner of illnesses which they claimed had assailed the President. Yet others said he was no more. His photographs sent occasionally by his minders would not sway the pessimists.

    Apparently drawing inspiration from these, politicians in the opposition  seized the narrative. They found in the President’s condition an opportunity to pummel the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC). Among such politicians the most vociferous is the jack-of-all-trades governor of Ekiti State, Ayodele Fayose – fireman, thespian, chef, chauffeur, tailor, lawmaker, preacher, prophet,exceptional stuntman and more. Ah! Ekiti has never been this lucky.

    Riled by reports that Buhari had spoken with United States President Donald Trump and some government officials, Fayose dismissed it all as the handiwork of some spin doctors. The President should speak with Fayose if he wants Nigerians to believe that he is alive, Fayose said with a flounce, adding – perhaps for emphasis – that he is credible. Sure. Nobody, except his political opponents, will accuse Fayose of lacking credibility.In fact, his admirers would swear that he is capable of also being incredible. Two for the price of one.

    Since Buhari’s return, not much has been heard from Fayose. A close observer said Fayose has since shed the critic’s garb to attend to his floundering legacy, the much admired stomach infrastructure, which has been put in jeopardy by many months arrears of unpaid salary.

    Nigeria is in trouble, former Minister Femi Fani-Kayode  yelled on learning that the President had extended his vacation. “Buhari has finally acknowledged that he is sick and has extended his stay abroad indefinitely. It is now clear that Nigeria is in trouble,” the rambunctious politician said.

    Fani- Kayode, you may wish to recall, held a press conference before the 2015 presidential election where he displayed what he swore was Buhari’s medical report. Now, many are asking: “Is he surprised that Buhari is alive?”  So much for the ruination of the apocalyptic rumination of a boisterous politician, a colleague said the other day. He seems right.

    It was also time for the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) – whatever is left of it, that is – to find its long lost voice. A faction of the opposition party that has been in disarray condemned what it called “the secrecy” of the President’s health.

    “The President should know that he is not a private citizen. He should know that Nigerians are the ones paying his health bills and, therefore, he should tell them the true state of his health,” the Ahmed Makarfi faction railed. Besides, the splintered party renewed its threat to return to power from which it was shoved out after its dream of ruling for 60 unbreakable years – in the first instance – collapsed like a house of cards.

    Obviously humbled by Buhari’s return and hobbled by its internecine war, PDP has retreated into its stifling shell. Its leaders have put their faith in the Supreme Court, which will determine the fate of the political gladiators who are holding the party by the throat, starving it of the oxygen it desperately needs to fire its opposition role.

    Buhari made a point of thanking Nigerians for their prayers. That’s fine. In fact, if anybody had doubted our capacity to go on our knees in supplication when the need arises, this occasion settled the matter.  From one state to the other, the frenzy of prayers gripped the land. Churches and mosques prayed against any major calamity. Many recalled the power struggle sparked by the death of the former President, Umaru Musa Yar’Adua. Some recalled former President Olusegun Obasanjo’s mobile phone call to then PDP candidate Yar’Adua at a rally: “Umoru…Hello. Umoru, they say you’re dead; are you dead?”

    The prayers cost nothing. Not a kobo. In the days of the PDP, a former governor collected  N4.6b for prayers to keep former President Goodluck Jonathan in office. Needless to say, the prayers found no favour in the ethereal realm because, as a wise fellow said, you cannot bribe God. He charges no fees. The cash simply went into the pockets of some marabouts, among them foreigners.

    By the way, where is former Sokoto State Governor Attahiru Bafarawa?

    If the din of arguments over the President’s political future has died down in  some political circles, not so at the newsstands. A colleague spoke of how some  free readers got locked in an argument after seeing Buhari’s picture, which was splashed on the front pages of several newspapers. One noted with some credulity that something was wrong with the President’s culinary choices, going by his looks. In no time the discussion veered off from politics to a session for emergency nutritionists.

    Some said it was all because His Excellency had been fed English food. A fellow said he had it on good authority from Abuja House that Tuwon, the North’s popular dish, was not on the menu. Another interjected: “Don’t mix it up. There are tuwon shinkafa,tuwon dawa,with miyan gyada, tuwon masara and tuwon acha.  Do you know the man’s favourite?” The row went on until the vendor got angry and disbanded the gathering.

    While the vacation lasted, Nigerians were at their hilarious best. Buhari was awarded a prize of being “the first Nigerian president to be based in the UK”.

    A friend sent me a message he claimed his nephew sent him: “Uncle, please don’t be angry o. There is a question I’ve been trying to ask you. I hope you won’t be angry. The question has been bothering me for some time. My friends don’t have a clue. Our teacher has refused to answer this question. Anytime I feel like asking you, my heart pounds and I keep quiet. But the question keeps bothering me. My mind won’t rest. I don’t know who else to ask. It is a very simple question. But you need to promise me, uncle, that you won’t beat me. It is an innocent question. Can I ask the question, uncle? Is Buhari with you?”

    Now that Buhari is back, we hope to see more action. That is the essence of governance.

    WANTED: A TAILOR FOR THE C.G.

    CUSTOMS chief Col. Hameed Ali (retd.) did not show up yesterday at the Senate. Senators decreed that he had to appear in his official uniform to explain why motorists will have to show that they paid customs duty on their vehicles.

    Col. Ali is not a stranger to uniforms. He decked the army’s for a long time. The trouble, the distinguished senators do not seem to understand, is that the Comptroller-General of the Nigeria Customs Service (a mouthful of a title, no doubt) is yet to find a tailor to sew him a uniform. His subordinates, I am told, are desperately searching for one.

    How many competent tailors are confident that the duty on their machines, tape rule, scissors, needles, pressing iron, ruler, thread and other appurtenances of their trade was paid? Were the tools undervalued or not? Was the right duty paid – duty in accordance with the years of manufacture of such important tools? Who inspected them?

    Imagine a tailor showing up at the Customs Headquarters to take the C.G’s measurement and an officer playing by the rules asks him to produce his duty papers and he has none. The fellow could be detained, his shop raided in the dead of the night and his tools carted away to be exhibited before the press as glittering trophies for our Customs’ diligence.

    The Senate may have to pull the brakes on this matter. Ali, who has practically lived in uniforms since he became an adult, is not afraid of decking one now. The trouble is that all the tailors in town are scared of taking up this national challenge of making one for the no-nonsense C.G.

    Or will the Senate recommend a tailor?

  • A chance chat with Buhari

    A chance chat with Buhari

    I won’T join those insisting that President Muhammadu Buhari must talk on national television. Such tendentious requests belong to mischief makers, among whom I would not want to be counted.

    A vacation is no AWOL. Neither is a doctor’s recommendation of tests and rest the medical equivalent of the National Day. No. It is not yet October 1. Why must he speak?

    Besides, with some privileged people confessing publicly that the President called them – many have indeed visited him in London – I have imagined that I might just be lucky some day. The mobile network could be in a crazy mode as is often the case nowadays and His Excellency’s call could just stray onto my line.

    What will I tell the President?

    A little bird tells me he still gets those messages coded in some esoteric security jargon. I bet there are many issues with grave security implications that may have been kept away from Buhari. So, how will a chance presidential conversation with this reporter go?

    Buhari: Hallo. Let me speak with… hallo…

    This sounds like my President. Am I right, sir?

    Yes; this is President Buhari. And who are you?

    What a privilege, sir. You got the wrong number, sir.  This is a reporter from your favourite newspaper. Please, spare a few minutes, Your Excellency.

    Yes. Thank you. Go on. I’m listening. How is Nigeria?

    Nigeria is fine, sir. The anti-corruption war is on track. The EFCC has been making staggering recoveries. They are mind-boggling – $9.7m, 74,000 Euro, $151m, N8b, N111.3m, and more.

    You see, I said it a long time ago. If we don’t kill corruption, corruption will kill Nigeria. They say Naira is falling and they don’t know why. Is that fair?

    No sir. But trust some Nigerians; they are fighting back. Just a few days after some hefty boxes of raw cash –  in dollars, Euros and naira – were hauled out of his house, the former Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) Group Managing Director (GMD), Dr Andrew Yakubu, a honest man, has come forward to claim the cash. He says that the little fortune was a gift from his friends. The EFCC won’t let go of the cash and those Nigerians who have long been condemned to the indignity of being in the company of poor friends are crying like some hungry babies. Now, Yakubu has gone to court to defend his integrity and enforce his fundamental right to receive, obtain, own, keep, hold, spend, disburse and store the cash.

    Really? That’s interesting and nobody told me. Anybody has the right to go to court for whatever reason, you know. That is the beauty of democracy. Nobody goes to jail without trial.You see, this is what I have been saying; well, we are in a democracy.

    Not only that, sir. Musiliu Obanikoro, the former minister and PDP big man, the one who was said to have collected N2.1 billion from the Office of the National Security Adviser, has also gone to court. He says he shouldn’t have been asked to refund money. He wants the N785 million he refunded back – with interest and apology.

    You see, this is amusing. And amazing. Since you say he has gone to court, I won’t want to talk about the matter. Why did he refund money? Was he forced to do that? I’ve told Nigerians to get ready. It is a long fight. ‘Walahi, corruption’ will surely fight back; I swear.

    Ekiti Governor Ayo Fayose has been threatening to run for president. Should that fail, he wouldn’t mind being vice- president. Besides, he’s been railing and wailing about your health. But some people are saying: ‘Fayose for president? That will be the day – a presidency of okada riders, agbo jedi  hawkers and amala joint clients as well as executive stuntmen.’ Good times are on the way– indeed.

    I wish the young man good luck. Don’t forget, every Nigerian has a right to his legitimate aspiration.

    Despite all the efforts your administration is making to diversify the economy and build up our foreign reserve, some Nigerians do not seem to know that they have a role to play; they are turning back the hand of the clock. The other day in Lagos, a popular retailer was found to be stocking gari imported from India. The authorities are also investigating the claim by some customers of the said retailer that the toothpick found in the store may have been imported– from China.

    That is the lack of patriotism we have been talking about. ‘Why should a Nigerian connive with foreigners to import, of all things, gari? Yet, you cry that Naira is falling, that Buhari has no economic policy, and that nothing has changed. Haba!

    Anyway, the Customs Service has been fighting hard to stop the nonsense. Its officials have devised a way to stem the smuggling of rice. They no longer bother to stay at the border all day, chasing rice smugglers. Now, they go out in the dead of the night, smash open stores in markets and haul out the stuff and cart it away to their offices. Traders are crying and protesting.

    Hmm…hmmm (He clears his throat). If the government says there should be no smuggling of rice, why should people not just listen and stop it? We are trying to protect the local, poor rice farmer who needs to feed his family and pay his kids’ school fees. I hope the smugglers will repent; otherwise, they will always have themselves to blame.

    The PDP and its leaders have been blaming its misfortune on your party, alleging that your APC has been fuelling its internecine war. Besides, they have been boasting that they will return to power in 2019. Many people have been asking them: “Return to power? For what? To continue the looting and bring back Boko Haram? “

    PDP or what do you call them. Are they still around? I don’t have anything to say about them; and I won’t say a word. If you run the show for 16 years, looting the treasury and stealing all the money and you are not ashamed; you want to come back, that is your problem. I leave Nigerians who are feeling the pains to handle that. Don’t people have shame?

    On the foreign scene sir, Nigerians are being attacked in South Africa, their property looted. In Abuja, there have been protests against what many consider as South Africa’s ingratitude to Nigeria for its major role in ending apartheid. There are fears that the protests could escalate if the South Africans don’t stop the attacks. We are told that you spoke with United States President Donald Trump. With what is happening in South Africa, Nigerians are wondering if you had a word with Zuma, the South African President.

    Thank you. The South African situation is a bit complex. I think the relevant organs of the government are handling it. I don’t want to comment on what they are doing now. I assure you that something is being done. Is it true Nigerians are not happy that I’m here in London?

    Nigerians not happy? That’s not quite correct sir. Many have been praying for your good health and safe return . But, that is not to say that there are no mischief makers who have turned it all into an opportunity to scorn you. The majority miss you genuinely – your humour and compassion for the poor. Then, the crazy game between looters and hooters. Whistleblowers now get five per cent of a looter’s fortune. That is the new business in town. Everybody is happy – the government is excited, the hooter gets his cut and the public is well entertained.

    In fact, some have found in all this a way of easing the financial tension that has gripped the land. They joke about the Nigerian condition, including your stay in London. Consider this sir: “These oyinbo people are bad o. They gave us Ibori and kept Buhari. That was how the crowd in the Bible screamed that Pontius Pilate should release Barabbas the thief and hand Jesus Christ over to his killers.”

    The other day in Lagos when all of a sudden the skyline turned dark and cloudy; the wind got cold and harsh, some began to sing: “So, because Buhari is not in the country people think they can do anyhow. Imagine, even harmattan thinks it can come out anytime it likes. Now that Nigeria’s headquarters has been shifted to London, our weather  has changed to London weather. Harmattan in FeBuhari.”

    That’s funny indeed. I thank all Nigerians who have been praying for me. May Allah reward them all. I hope to be back soon. Just some tests and the doctors are insisting that I should rest; otherwise I would have returned. Thank you.

    And thank you sir for your time.

  • Money money everywhere…

    Money money everywhere…

    (A guide to cash keeping in recession)

    First, they said there was no change. It was all slogan; no action, they cried. Then, they said the recession was taking  too  long to go away with all its pains. Shut factories, poverty, hunger, anger and poor infrastructure.

    By now, those who see nothing good in the recession must be having a rethink, the objective ones that is. Not those who are so deep in the come-and-chop politics that has been with us for a long time.

    Consider the earth-shaking revelations that confront us everyday about recovered loot, the sheer audacity of the looters and their grab-all mentality. A South-south governor is said to have deposited $10m in the wrong bank, the large bosom of a wily mistress who shut it all up and fled.

    He reminds me of the manager of a microfinance bank in which a friend of mine deposited his life savings. Poor fellow, he cries like a baby who has lost his lollipop to a greedy old man.

    Not so His Excellency. A man who has never run away from a street fight, he has taken it all on the chin. He has been unusually calm, like a Yoga expert in deep meditation so that he does not become a laughing stock for this little indiscretion.

    The Police Headquarters was like a typical Nigerian banking hall the other day. Bundles heaped on bundles of cash were on display. Television cameras trained their lens on them. I wonder why no station warned that “viewers’ discretion” was required.

    I was told of a pensioner who fainted upon seeing so much cash displayed on television. His shocked children rushed him to a hospital where he was revived. “Give papa some water,” the doctor directed a nurse. The old man opened his eyes and said angrily: “Water? For who? Please, keep your water and leave me alone. I know what I saw before I passed out. Give me money.”

    As I was saying, the police exhibited the cash, N111.3m. They said it was recovered from some Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) officials who allegedly collected it from Rivers State Governor Nyesom Wike.  His Excellency was said to have bribed them to rig the last legislative rerun for his Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) candidates. He denied it all and accused the police of blackmail.

    Anyway, as if the police show was not dramatic enough, we were confronted with images of detectives hauling out cabinets of cash from the home of a former Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation’s (NNPC’s) Group Managing Director Andrew Yakubu in a remote part of Kaduna. The value? Some $9,772,800 and 74,000 pounds sterling.

    Some other cash has been found sitting pretty in some fictitious bank accounts. The huge sums – $151m and N8b – were deposited by some yet unnamed civil servants, aided by bankers.

    Apparently scared that it is becoming more difficult to hide cash, some compatriots who crave for anonymity for obvious reasons have flooded “Editorial Notebook” with requests for advice on how to hide their cash.

    Who will blame them? The government is desperate for money to battle the recession that has held the system down. The banks, hobbled and humbled by the TSA, are hungry for cash. Everybody is looking for money.

    Here are some of the tips on safeguarding cash in this recession:

    Unlike the army of critics who have seen no redeeming feature in this recession, a group of youths have incorporated a company – of chartered engineers, diggers and dredgers. They specialise in dredge in burrowing deep down into the earth to build bunkers  in which you can safely keep your money. Hire them.

    They will build a safe house, somewhere in your village or hometown, away from the prying eyes of envious city neighbours who often take delight in dredging up salacious stories about successful people, like your good self. The house will, needless to say, be air conditioned; dollar bills abhor heat. That is why they always remain crisp and smooth with a seductive smell.

    You will be supplied huge boxes with digital locks and alarm systems, which can tip off a guard should any intruder ever get near the bunker. Not the ordinary soft steel cabinets that are common in many offices. Those are only good for files. It is in these boxes that the cash will be stuffed and loaded into the bunker.

    An uncle of yours can live in a nearby chalet so as to give the compound some form of communal identity so that it cannot be mistaken for a lonely house tucked away in some remote corner of the village. Remember that your uncle or whoever you have chosen to live there  must not even suspect that you have a fortune in the house. Never.

    In these days of whistle blowing, the risk of banking huge sums of money is high. The law says such cash must be reported to the EFCC, which more often than not believes that such money is a proceed of crime, even when it can’t put its finger on a particular crime.

    If a fictitious account is opened for you, this is no guarantee that you will not someday lose your hard-earned cash. A crazy cashier or a frustrated customer relations manager, one of those who pound the street in search of deposits,  may work his calculator and begin to dream of grabbing five per cent of your money by squealing on you to the EFCC.

    It is not enough to have a reinforced steel safe buried in the bosom of a building. What if a bitter uncle who is never satisfied with what you give him you decides to join the Whistleblowers Vanguard and make a fortune off you? What if your wife makes a slip of tongue at the hair dresser’s? It could even be your ever-dutiful driver boasting about his boss’s weight in cash.

    There are juju men and spiritualists who will claim that they can make the cash invisible to all eyes, except yours. They have been advertising their skills on the web. “The more you loot, the more  they look, the less they see,” one of such advertisements said. Never patronise them. They are scammers.

    Building a house with all the appurtenances of good security is the sure way to go. If the authorities somehow find out that you have kept some cash in the house and they storm the place, never panic.

    Be bold like a lion. Step forward to own up. Insist that it was given to you by your friends and admirers, who have the right to deck whoever they like with gifts.

    The government may go to court to seek its permission to confiscate the cash. Never mind. Hire a good lawyer, a Senior Advocate of Nigeria (SAN), a loquacious one whose fee will be so hefty that even a part-payment will draw the EFCC’s attention. He will sue to enforce your fundamental right to own, keep, use, spend, deploy, disburse and amass money and enjoy all the rights and privileges of  having, owning, acquiring, possessing and holding such money and such other property that may be purchased, acquired or bought with the said money, either in cash or kind without let or hindrance from whatsoever quarters and by whatever means. He will also urge the court to give any other order or orders it deems fit in the circumstance.

    To your surprise, the court may rule that the EFCC has no right to block your account. When this happens, remember to acknowledge it all as a victory for the rule of law. Then, rush to the bank to make some withdrawals – far above the recommended limit – and tell the media how pleased you have been.

    The EFCC may take you in for some days after getting a warrant from a magistrate. Remain firm. It cannot keep you there for long without charges. Remember, no prima facie case has been established against you.

    Your neighbours will scorn you and regale the world with false tales of your stinginess. That’s fine. Remember it is not your business that they do not have friends or that they befriended people who could not shower good gifts on them. Where were they when you chose friends worth their weight in dollars and pounds?

    Do not be surprised if you are the subject of gossip by idle academics who have for years been unable to differentiate between stealing and corruption. A gift can never be proof of stealing. Corruption? That is neither here nor there.

    If everything fails – this is not likely – and you are sent to prison, be courageous. It is a temporary setback, which your comeback will soon obliterate. Upon your return, there will be a great revelry. A thanksgiving service will mark the great occasion. The priest, a revered senior cleric, I can bet, will preach on how Christ our Lord was persecuted and all that to encourage you and smooth your reintegration into the society which, as you will discover, has not changed.

    Later at a reception, you will deliver a moving speech in which you will insist on your innocence. Your enemies hounded you into prison, not because you stole a dime; they just wanted you off the stage, you will say. Some in the audience will shed tears. Others will merely shake their heads.

    The message has sunk in. Go out there and reclaim your status.

    One last word. All rights reserved. No part of this guide may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, without the permission of the author.

  • The best of 2016 (II)

    The best of 2016 (II)

    The temptation to veer away from the subject is very strong.

    There are other equally important and urgent matters. The “silly” kerfuffle over President Muhammadu Buhari’s health; Southern Kaduna ; kidnapping ; and the stubborn recession that has hurt so much. United States President Donald Trump is signing executive orders with the alacrity of a baker churning out hot, oven-fresh loaves.

    I shun the urge to dwell on these. Otherwise I will be committing that terrible sin of which our ever-considerate leaders have been battling to wean us – ingratitude. So to recognitions I return, lest our compatriots who last year exhibited extraordinary commitment to building an ideal polity feel ill-motivated to do more.

    The commotion over MMM seems to have subsided. The facilitators of the Ponzi scheme reopened after a short break during which many hearts were broken. At least a suicide was reported. Many lost a fortune.

    MMM could have easily won the Scam of the Year award, but for the ingenuity of two Chinese dudes who set up a fake Trinidad and Tobago embassy in Ejigbo on the outskirts of Lagos. They ran the racket with two Nigerians.  They made a fortune as Nigerians, many of them seized by a terrible sense of economic persecution, struggled to flee this country.

    By the time the police moved in to smash the gang, their dubious enterprise had brought many travel-hungry Nigerians to grief.  It was too late to recover the hefty visa fees they had paid. Without question, that was the Scam of the Year.

    When will the suspects be charged to court?

    She is perhaps the only one with such a terrific grass-to-grace story in the history of bread hawking. A photographer with a talent for discovering talents found her, her wares balanced delicately on her head, resting on a long peacock- neck. The photographer clicked  away. No particular interest. Just another object.

    Not quite. The story changed as T.Y. Bello went through her work and found the girl with a tray of loaves too much to ignore. She should be on the catwalk, not on the walkway, hawking, she thought.

    And so the search began for Jumoke “Oniburedi” Orisaguna.. Fame and fortune found her. New dresses, a new apartment, endorsements, nice jewellery and all the accouterments of a celebrity. Thanks to the Agege bread hawker who hit it big, bread hawkers no longer wear those drab and drossy wrappers.

    They hit the street in fanciful jeans trousers with torn patches on the hips and psychedelic tops, eyelashes, eye shadow, eye shade ,fixed nails, lipstick and all that. A fellow was asking the other day: “Is this why bread is so expensive now?”  I do not know. All I know as an indisputable fact is that Jumoke is Model of the Year.

    The weeks preceding the November 26 Ondo State governorship election were full of anxiety. It was a time of uncertainty for either of the two leading candidates – Olusola Oke of the Alliance for Democracy (AD) and Rotimi Akeredolu, who flew the flag of the All Progressives Congress (APC). The fate of  Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) candidate Eyitayo Jegede was hanging in the balance. He was caught up in the internecine war between Senator Ahmed Makarfi’s and Senator Ali Modu Sheriff’s factions for the control of the party.

    On the day of the election, supporters of one of the parties whispered into the ears of would-be voters: Dibo ko sebe (vote so that you can make some stew).  It was a new variety of the much celebrated “stomach infrastructure”, the type that has turned Ekiti into the envy of all states. It worked like magic. The Slogan of the Year, no doubt, is dibo ko sebe. Will the inventive fellow behind this step forward?

    When former PDP spokesman Olisa Metuh was arrested by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) for allegedly collecting N400m from the Office of the National Security Adviser (ONSA), he cried that it was a case of persecution.  According to detectives investigating the matter, he wrote all he knew about the deal that fetched him such a huge cash.

    Convinced that they had got a prima facie case against him, the detectives asked Metuh to sign the statement he had written. The chief collected the papers, but to the amazement of his interrogators he suddenly shredded them so that there will be no shred of evidence to nail him. The flummoxed officers rushed to wrest the papers from Metuh. Alas, they were too slow. He had tossed them all into his mouth. He was chewing away as the officers watched in utter helplessness.

    Metuh, who once collapsed in court, has been quiet since he won his battle for bail.  While we await the verdict of the court on the allegations against the voluble politician, there is no argument that his show at the EFCC won the Oddity of the Year.

    Considering his magical ride to the top – no fewer than 15 senior officers were unceremoniously retired to pave the way for his ascension -, Inspector General   of Police Ibrahim Idris Kpotum could easily have snatched away the Policeman of the Year trophy. He won’t. Many other officers were outstanding at their beats.

    Step forward the former Divisional Police Officer (DPO) of Surulere, Lagos Mainland. The story is still fresh of how he once led his men on a patrol.  They found five men waiting for a roadside food vendor to prepare Indomie for them so that they could eat before going home to sleep.

    ”What are you doing here?” the police chief yelled at them.

    ”We are waiting for food,” the men replied in a calm, subdued voice with a tinge of incredulity.

    “Why didn’t you eat at home? You’re under arrest,” the officer snapped.

    The five guys were hustled onto a police van, driven to the station and dumped in a cell. They were branded robbery suspects. The next day when the police chief asked them to be brought out for questioning, he found that some of them were bearded.

    “Ah Boko Haram!” he screamed.

    Needless to say, the suspects put in some efforts to secure their freedom.

    Who else if not this dutiful and diligent officer should be Policeman of the Year?

    Before they feel neglected and accuse me of being disrespectful to protocol, let me quickly recognise our governors. I must confess that this was a close race. Take a bow Ayodele Fayose, governor of Ekiti State. The chief apostle of the vote harvesting strategy called stomach infrastructure recently shocked his envious traducers who thought the programme had eventually collapsed as they had predicted. Fayose, in a creative response to the so-called herdsmen’s menace, formed the Grazing Marshal and empowered its officers to go after cows, kill them and share the meat. He personally partricipated in some of the operations.

    A man of action, he once went to the Assembly with his own gavel to pass the budget he had brought to be laid on the table. His last appearance at the Assembly, also to submit the budget, saw him decked out in military camouflage. But Fayose narrowly missed the title, despite his executive stunts.

    Rivers State Governor Ezenwo Nyesom Wike, I am told, is a jolly good fellow. His opponents disagree. They keep on taunting him with the fact that many died in the election that brought him to power. They accuse him of threatening to kill electoral officers if they would not help him rig the last legislative rerun. He has just announced that his former police guards who were dismissed for alleged illegalities were actually fired for not aiding his assassination.

    Ever so dutiful, in the dead of the night and against all odds, he had gone to stop Department of State Services (DSS) officers from arresting a judge. If it is all about drama and hell raising, Wike would have been handed the trophy, but it is much more than that.

    Another contender is Kogi State Governor Yahaya Adoza Bello, the one who was vaulted onto the much-coveted seat after the All Progressives Congress (APC) leadership handpicked him to replace the late Abubakar Audu who died just before his victory could be announced. More than one year after, his critics are still attacking him virulently.

    They say he is yet to tar any road, as if road tarring is all that a governor is elected – or selected – for. The other day I saw His Excellency’s picture splashed on the front page of a national newspaper. He was wearing a fez and a road safety jacket over his kaftan. He had braved the scorching sun to distribute handbills urging motorists to drive safely. With that act, Bello has excelled in community service.

    There is also Kaduna State Governor Nasir El-Rufai, the tempestuous and abrasive “accidental civil servant”.  Ever since he began his governorship journey, it has been one bloody crisis after another. There have been many communal clashes. He fought beggars. He demolished homes. Then, the Shites’ clashed with the army. Many died. And now the Southern Kaduna killings, reportedly by herdsmen whom the governor claimed to have paid handsomely to stop killing.

    It has never been this bloody in Kaduna, many insist. Another governor would have thrown up his hands in surrender. Not El-Rufai. He remains as cocky and inscrutable as ever. He keeps threatening to prosecute those behind the killings even as blood continues to flow.

    For his seeming imperturbability, El-Rufai is Governor of the Year.

  • The best of 2016 (I)

    The best of 2016 (I)

    They gave us so much. Amazing stunts, openness, responsibility, sincerity, new words and phrases, hope and more.

    Hit by the vicissitudes of these times – recession, Boko Haram, southern Kaduna, kidnapping and hunger – we are tempted to forget their roles in making 2016 a truly remarkable year. We shouldn’t. This being the season of recognitions and goodwill, it is fit and proper to honour all those compatriots of ours who went the extra mile to make the society better. They are our best.

    As protocol demands, we start from the top. Former British Prime Minister David Cameron, the biggest casualty of the Brexit ignorance, looked good to carry the day when he gave us the phrase “fantastically corrupt”. It sparked a huge row that went on for days. Nigerians descended on Cameron for making such an uncomplimentary remark. The patriot in many a Nigerian was aroused. “Why call us corrupt when your U.K. is the receiver-in-chief of the proceeds of corruption? Isn’t this the worse hypocrisy anybody can think of?” many Nigerians grumbled to no one in particular even as everybody felt the depth of their anger. Some, the daring ones among the patriots, told the former P.M. bluntly: “Is it your money? What is your business in this? In fact, you must apologise to us.”

    With the uproar, it is a matter of great surprise that Mr. Cameron’s “fantastically corrupt” did not win the Phrase of the Year. Really? Not quite.  Aisha Buhari’s interview shocked many who never saw the critic in our affable First Lady. She said the administration had been hijacked by a cabal and warned that she might not support the President for another term should things continue the way they were.

    Many who had expected a civil war in the first family were disappointed when President Muhammadu Buhari dismissed it all with an amazing presidential jocularity. He said in far away Germany: “I don’t know which party my wife belongs to, but she belongs to my kitchen and my living room and the other room.” It was electrifying. Holidaying women rights activists, whose last known battle was fought and lost a few years ago when a distinguished senator insisted on marrying a minor, suddenly woke up. The President has offended women’s sensibility, they cried, demanding an apology. Needless to say, they got none as their voice was drowned in the euphoria that greeted the president’s salubrious sense of humour. Besides, the phrase “the other room” took on a life of its own, earning diverse interpretations, some of which I will not bother to repeat here, this being a family newspaper.

    Buhari’s “the other room”, without any fear of contradiction, is the Phrase of the Year. In fact, Mrs. Buhari’s interview easily qualifies for Interview of the Year, but for justice and equity, the first family will not be allowed to snatch away both trophies.

    Secretary to the Government of the Federation (SGF) Babachir David Lawal has been gravely troubled since senators levelled some allegations against him and demanded that the President give him the push. They said they were in possession of a petition alleging that Lawal awarded a contract to a company in which he had an interest. If they had left it at that, perhaps the matter would have just fizzled out like so many others, but his traducers peppered it all with the allegation that the contract, aforementioned, was to cut grass in Yobe – at N272.52m.

    No grass was cut, Yobe Information Commissioner Mohammed Lamin said, arming Lawal’s opponents, who are obviously envious of his success, with a lethal weapon to deal him a fatal blow. President Buhari ordered a probe and Lawal was forced to defend his integrity, as if he is just an ordinary civil servant. He said he had quit the affairs of the company that won the small contract and that his son was in charge. Didn’t United States President–elect Donald Trump announce recently that he was ceding his position in his companies to his sons and nobody raised any eyebrow? Not so here. He should show proof that he was not signing the company’s cheques even after stating that he had quit, the SGF’s incorrigible traducers yelled. The more Lawal explained his position, the worse the public perception of him got. His account in the bank of credibility, it seemed, was already in the red. Overdrawn.

    All is not lost. Didn’t the great bard say “sweet indeed are the uses of adversity?” The controversial contract has attracted the attention of the intelligentsia, with many researchers signing up for funds to have an academic excursion into what they have termed in popular lingo “contract without tears”. One, a professor of many years standing, I am told, is writing a book on “the grass-to-grace story of the grass cutter of Abuja”. His grass cutter, according to reliable sources who have caught a rare glimpse of the first grade work, is not to be confused with the bush meat that has become a popular accompaniment to pounded yam in many homes in Ekiti.

    No doubt, this is the Contract of the Year.

    Not much was heard or known about All Progressives Congress (APC) Chairman John Odigie-Oyegun, a chief and former governor, after he joined the June 12 struggle against the vicious dictatorship of Gen. Sani Abacha (of dreadful memory). He was in politics quite alright but he never really hit it big until prominent politicians of like minds joined forces to form the APC that kicked the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) out of power. Oyegun, waving the banner of a democrat and an epitome of integrity, got vaulted into the powerful office of party chairman. Needless to say, he has done well for the party and – as some would argue- for himself.

    The APC was set to be announced the winner of the Kogi State governorship election when suddenly, its candidate, Abubakar Audu, died. Many thought his running mate, Abiodun Faleke, who had gone through thick and thin with him would be asked to step into his shoes. Oyegun found in that proposition neither logic nor sense and reason. He announced that a new candidate, Yahaya Bello, a fellow who had dumped the party and actively undermined it after losing the battle for its ticket, had been appointed.

    Those who felt Oyegun would stand by his party and insist that the election was over after the APC had in its kitty majority of the votes cast – which the rerun in a few places could not torpedo – were disappointed. “Is this the Oyegun we used to know? What has come upon the former NADECO chief?”

    The APC was plunged into turmoil. The sheep were in disarray as the shepherds tore at one another. The animosity was yet to subside when the Ondo State governorship election hit the scene. The primary was as acrimonious as a motor park union’s election. The delegates’ list was upturned and a new one surfaced on the eve of the primary. Those who were hurt did the right thing. They took their case to the party. No justice. Since then, there have been calls for Oyegun to go. Faced with such vociferous calls for his head, many a weak chairman would have chickened out, surrendered and claimed that they threw in the towel under duress. Not Oyegun.

    For clinging on tenaciously to his seat despite what is seen by his critics as his obvious misjudgments, which have bred so much bellicosity in the party, Oyegun is Chairman of the Year.

    Step forward Youth and Sports Minister Solomon Dalung. Those who are not his fans deride him as an unserious fellow who thinks a ministerial badge is a licence for executive tomfoolery. Some, without conceding to him his fundamental right to be cloaked as he likes, accuse him of dressing like a doorman. Others say his khaki and military police/ Boys Scout beret portray him as a new Civil Defence recruit or a Civilian Joint Task Force (CJTF) commander. I really don’t know.

    Despite the darts fired at him, Dalung carries on with remarkable sincerity. When Flying Eagles coach Samson Siasia took the team to Atlanta, United States of America (USA), which the minister erroneously referred to as United States of Nigeria, just before the Rio Olympics, Dalung declared them missing. Perhaps they would have remained missing but for this outcry. The team was eventually found. They arrived in Brazil in unpleasant circumstances and went on to shock the world by winning the bronze medal. An inconsiderate minister would have shunned this modest achievement. Not so Dalung. He let the world into the secret of the team’s success when he announced that his pep talks did the magic.

    The other day when the victorious Super Falcons staged a sit-in in their hotel to demand payment of arrears of allowances, the minister was quick to let the cat out of the bag. He confided in the public that the soccer authorities could not pay the girls, the defending champions who had won the Cup of Nations at least seven times, because they were never expected to win. What sincerity.

    When he faced the House of Representatives Committee on Sports recently, Dalung was as blunt and frank as ever. He told the lawmakers that the funds “spended” on the 2016 Olympics were “properly spended”. Some fellows who never see anything good in hard working government officials pounced on him.” Is he not a lawyer and a former university teacher?” they growled.

    Take a bow Dalung. For your frankness, which your critics deride as buffoonery, you have the Minister of the Year trophy.

    Other awards to follow shortly.

     

    …And one last word

    Dear reader, this is just to inform you that I won’t be attending the Donald Trump inauguration tomorrow because of my very tight schedule. See you in a fortnight.

  • Of seers, sorcerers, Spirit and spirits

    Of seers, sorcerers, Spirit and spirits

    Nigerians love predictions. Who doesn’t? Imagine having a preview of a movie heralded by a storm of hype. It is, indeed, a rare privilege to have a glimpse into the future, especially now when there is so much uncertainty and anxiety in the world.

    But it is not given unto all men to have the oracular knowledge of telling the future with the clinical precision of a surgeon. It is highly spiritual. Deep. Even then, spiritualism is not to be mistaken for some psychic capabilities or clairvoyance or telepathy or necromancy and its numerous varieties that have been  commercialised by some men who are neither called nor chosen. No.

    In case you are wondering whether Editorial Notebook is on a voyage into some ethereal realm of mythological angels, fairies, apparitions and gnomes, you are not right. Even then you are not far from the truth. Not being gifted in matters spiritual nor trained in the art of fortune telling and palm reading, yours sincerely can only report such affairs with the finesse and accuracy that are the hallmarks of this column.

    So, this, in a nutshell, is mere reportage of what the wise ones – and those who some impatient fellows have dismissed as Bar Beach charlatans – have said lie in the belly of 2017. And boy what a rain of predictions for the new year.

    Take a bow Governor Ayo Fayose –yes; the Ekiti helmsman . He, surprisingly, flung open the floodgate of predictions. In that methodical style which his admirers credit him with, he took out two full pages in a national newspaper to advertise his 2016 predictions which he swore came to pass. He thereafter laid out in clear, bold and cold print the predictions for this year.

    His Excellency, apparently to caution those fellows who are wont to dismiss him as a loudmouth, chatterbox and stuntsman, swore that the Holy Spirit spoke with him. As if stung by bees, the busybodies descended on him. Where? When? Any witness? Was the governor in the spirit? Was the gubernatorial throat splashed with a gulp of spirits? In which language did the Spirit speak?

    One of them, an obviously charitable fellow who could easily pass for one of the governor’s numerous admirers, replied succinctly that he “reliably learnt” from a source close to an agbo jedi drink hawker who swore that the governor is one of her clients, that the Holy Spirit spoke one day as he bent down to pick his favourite lunch of roasted plantain and groundnuts at a roadside shack.

    The governor claimed that the Holy Spirit told him, among others, that the dollar will exchange for N600, the economy will move from recession to depression and a former head of state may pass on. “Hardship will be more as poverty continues to ravage the country. EFCC’s Magu may face prosecution,” the governor said after the encounter with the Holy Spirit.

    Now many, among them those who claim to have identified some purveyors of doomsday prophecies, are asking: “Is Fayose also among the prophets?”

    Since the pre-Christmas predictions of His Excellency, many others have  followed. Pastor Enoch Adejare Adeboye, the revered General Overseer of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, is quoted as predicting that “those troubling Nigeria will be relocated”.

    Relocated; where to? Sambisa? Panama? Aleppo? Banjul? Mogadishu? Won’t they begin to trouble their new location? Why can’t we just deal with them here? Must we always wait for others to lend a hand in tackling our trouble? Will they be relocated with their heirs who if left behind may become our new tormentors?

    The suggestions, permutations and postulations have been many. In fact, a cheeky fellow has reminded us all about a leading politician who vowed to relocate should then candidate Muhammadu Buhari win the presidential election. Buhari, needless to say, won the election and became the president. The politician, a Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) chieftain, has since refused to relocate, despite being taunted by his opponents. His party, as you may have known, keeps sinking deeper and deeper into its self-inflicted trouble .

    Bishop Mike Okonkwo of The Redeemed Evangelical Mission (TREM) also has a word for those troubling Nigeria. They will face enormous problems, he predicted. “I know that presently those who have one way or the other destabilised the country, there will be more problems for them. There will be a demand from the government that they should return the money they looted,” the respected man of God said.

    To his prediction, I learnt, there was a roaring “amen!” from the huge congregation. But the critical audience who would not just take it all as spiritual are asking: “Who will demand that they return the loot? Senators? Magu? Will Magu survive now that corruption seems to have regained its breath and is fighting back desperately? Or will he be fed to the wolves? Will they, those troubling Nigeria, surrender their loot even if the government demands for it? Or will they elect to go to jail, return, visit a church for thanksgiving and stage a one-in-town revelry?”

    Rev. Okonkwo predicted that those who look unto God will have a turnaround. He described the year as “a year of new things”. He advised the Buhari administration to speak more to Nigerians on its challenges and its solutions so that the confidence of Nigerians in the government would not wane. He cited the bloodletting in southern Kaduna, saying the government’s attitude could give the impression that it approved the killings. Is anybody listening?

    The leader of the Northern Inter-Faith and Religious Organisations for Peace, Bishop Musa Fomson, in his new year message, predicted that Boko Haram’s fiendish leader Abubakar Shekau will be captured and brought to Abuja. What a spectacle that will be. Loquacious Shekau, who mocked Buhari and the military and told us that he would marry off and sell the Chibok girls, bound like a Lagos pick pocket being prepared for jungle justice and flown – boots,rifle and all that – to Abuja.

    Will he be allowed to name his sponsors? Will he let us into the workings of the insurgency that has taken thousands of lives, ruined homes and battered the future of many? Will he tell where the remaining Chibok girls are? Will he let us know the truth about his flag and his Koran that our gallant soldiers captured? Are they truly his or some other fellow’s as claimed by some social media irritants?

    Is he the original Shekau, the bearded one in those periodic videos?  Is Shekau a name taken up by any sect member on whose shoulder the mantle of leadership falls after the death of the incumbent? If so, how about the beards; grown and groomed to cover the face like the original? How about the voice and the drama? Make – believe? Who are his foreign backers?

    Alas, we may not resolve these and many other riddles of Boko Haram. I doubt if Shekau will not get the Mohammed Yusuf treatment, if he is ever captured. Yusuf (remember him?) was the young leader of the sect who was killed after soldiers captured him and handed him over to the police.

    Of all the predictions, one stands out for its scintillating political dimension.  Prophet Wale Olagunju, the presiding Bishop of Divine Seed Chapel Ministries, Ibadan said in a 52-point prophecy that former Vice President Atiku Abubakar will succeed Buhari in 2019.

    The prediction has elicited debates. The world is yet to recover from the hangover of maverick billionaire Donald Trump’s  victory in the United States election and Britain’s exit from the European Union (EU). Is an Atiku presidency a possibility now that it has been seen in the spiritual realm?

    Atiku, a member of the All Progressives   Congress (APC), has not announced that he is running. It is too early, many would say. But the Turaki has since launched into what is considered in political circles as a scurrilous attack on the Buhari administration.

    On which platform will Atiku run? Can he wrest the APC ticket from Buhari should the latter decide to run again? Asked to comment on Atiku’s plan to contest, former President Olusegun Obasanjo once said derisively: I dey laugh o! What will he do now?

    A cynical fellow, one of those “internet hyenas” on Facebook, asked nobody in particular: “Please, has T.B. Joshua released his 2017 prophecies?”Needles to say, he got many comments.

    Another released what he called his own predictions and swore with his wedding certificate that they would come to pass before the end of the year. “There shall be 28 days in February. Any car with an empty tank shall be immobile. If your bank account is in the red, you won’t be able to withdraw money. Every woman delivered of a baby shall have a boy or a girl. The volume of your urine shall be a function of your water intake. Hunger shall disappear the moment you eat. A new president will take office in the U.S. “

    He concluded with the confidence of an expert: “If these prophecies don’t come to pass, then I’m not a man of God.”

    Compliments.

  • Farewell to year of shocks

    Farewell to year of shocks

    Were 2016 to be a movie, it would have by now hit a kind of catharsis. Alas, it is no movie, yet it packs in its belly all the attributes of a box office hit.

    In its dying days, this dramatic year has refused to slow down. It keeps confounding world renowned futurists, among whom I am excited to report a governor is numbered. Where are you all those  who say good things hardly come from these climes? Those who thought His Excellency’s talent is limited to pulling stunts and raising hell have been shocked that necromancy has been added to his forte. Now they are saying derisively:”The devil finds work for idle hands.” That was after the governor had bought space in a national newspaper to advertise his predictions for this year that he swore to high heavens actually came to pass, but which his traducers pooh-poohed as mere rabble-rousing. He also listed for his ever-attentive audience the predictions for the coming year. His critics are still reeling from the shock.

    Back to business. The year 2016 continues to shock us all even in its last fortnight. It has been as if the United States has two presidents since billionaire Donald Trump shocked the world by winning the November 8 election, which Russia is believed to have somehow manipulated. You see, it is not only in Nigeria that these things happen; the best candidate in an election trailing the one grudgingly listed as also a runner suddenly becoming a frontrunner and then the winner.

    Trump has been making policy statements and exhibiting little statesmanship in his speeches. To him, the United Nations (UN) is a “club” for people to “have a good time”.

    Incensed by the president-elect’s excesses, the Obama administration reminds him that the United States has one president at a time. Besides, Obama says he could have beaten Trump if he had the opportunity of running for a third term. Shocked? Do not be. It is not only here that presidents wish they could run for a third term. The only difference is that Obama won’t say he never nursed such a wish.

    Yahaya Jammeh of The Gambia shocked the world when many days after conceding defeat in an election he suddenly recanted. He would not surrender his seat to the winner, he said. President Muhammadu Buhari and other ECOWAS leaders went to Banjul to persuade him to step down. He agreed. A few days after, he dismissed his visitors as busybodies who had no right to tell him to go. Now the world is watching how Jammeh’s 22-year iron-fist rule will end. Bloody?

    Entertainment giants won’t stop leaving in a shocking manner. Songster George Michael departed on Christmas Day, sending the global pop community into mourning.

    Pentecostal giant Pastor Enoch Adejare Adeboye was in Ekiti where he praised Governor Ayodele Fayose’s courage at defending his people. Being used to such encomiums, the governor’s admirers and aides saw it as a routine. Not so his critics and political opponents, particularly those who know nothing about the workings of a spiritual mind. In their shock, they lashed out at the man of God, querying why he visited and praised Fayose, who in their view does not merit such numinous privilege. We should know how to draw the line. What says the holy book about those our Lord  was sent to? Besides, is Pastor Adeboye not entitled to his own opinion? Have we stopped subscribing to the universal right to the freedom of speech?

    Just before Christmas Eve, photographs of  former Delta State Governor James Onanefe Ibori coming out of a British jail were splashed all over the Internet.  He was in for six years after being convicted for money laundering. His friends launched into a street dance that only the weather in its chilliness moderated.

    His kinsmen in Oghara have been dancing ever since over the imminent return of their dearest son. His London home has become a mini studio. Politicians are flying in to record their encounters with him. Champagne glasses in their hands, they pose for photographs with the Ogidigboigbo. All these are uploaded on the Internet to shock many who feel that the matter calls for some somberness and introspection. Among the shocked, it has now turned out, is former Delta State Governor Emmanuel Uduaghan who has told those celebrating Ibori’s release to be circumspect.

    In Lagos, rice merchants have been shocked out of their wits. They had thought Governor Akinwunmi Ambode’s plan to flood the market with LAKE Rice, following his collaboration with his Kebbi State counterpart Abubakar Atiku  Bagudu was a mere threat. They thought they had smuggled in enough to saturate the market and, as usual, dampen the Yuletide spirit for the poor. Suddenly, LAKE Rice made its delicious debut. Even those who have been able to buy this rice for as low as N2,500 are shocked. Now many are saying with Lake Rice and Ebonyi Rice, Nigeria is on the way to conserving scare foreign exchange that has been going into rice importation.

    Nigerians were shocked when the military announced that Sambisa Forest, the dreaded redoubt of the Boko Haram terror machine, had been captured. It was, no doubt, the biggest Christmas present ever. It is, however, a matter of regret that some people have doubted this remarkable feat of our gallant troops, despite the pictorial and video evidence that are available. They have been asking questions. If indeed Sambisa has fallen, where are the Chibok girls? Where is Shekau, the loudmouth who leads –or led – the deadly group? Where are the other captives?

    More videos of the Sambisa operation have since been released. Only fools doubt proofs, according to Bishop David Oyedepo. Even in this season of shocks, our Armed Forces deserve some praise for their sacrifice, not doubts and denigration. They should be credited with some credibility, no matter how little.

    The Federal Government also shocked many with its new policy on whistle blowing. If you report a fraud or some loot stashed somewhere, you get five per cent of it. Since the news broke, a friend of mine has been threatening to set up a company to go all over the world in search of looted funds. He plans to have his members of staff working round the clock in Panama, Luxemburg, Switzerland and others where our privileged compatriots may have kept their hard earned cash.

    Besides, he is also hiring some local bankers who will let him into the financial affairs of some notable citizens who must explain how they came about their fortune or become victims of whistle blowing. Shocked? Do not be. Isn’t this, according to a consultant with vast experience, a creative way of creating jobs? Imagine five per cent of N10 billion, for instance. Just imagine.

    Even as many are yet to recover from the hangover of MMM’s shocking departure, Nigerians have turned it all into incredible jokes. A popular Yoruba song has suddenly become commonplace, now titled MMM:

    Mole mo ba mo tun gbaa pada,

    Mole mo ba mo tun gbaa pada,

    Mole mo ba mo tun gbaa pada,

    Ohun t’ota gba lowo mi o mole mo ba

    (I chased it and got it

    What the enemy has taken from me

    I got it)

    There is also a poster inviting people to a seven-day “powerful fire vigil”. It reads: “Mole Moba Motungbapada Ministry. Are you a MMM  investor? You are cordially invited to a 7 days powerful fire vigil. Theme: MAVRODI RETURN MY MONEY.Mavrodi da owo mi pada.

    Date: Jan. 7th -13th  2017. Venue: Main Bowl, Abuja National Stadium. Time: 9pm prompt. Come with your laptop, computer, I Pad, phone and every other thing you use in logging into MMM for anointing. Bishop Fireman Dapada (Baba Dapada Now Now, Chief Host).”

    The good thing is that in two days we will be saying farewell to this year of shocks.

    Compliments.

  • Magu, magun and all that magomago

    Magu, magun and all that magomago

    A visit to the barber’s place is always exciting nowadays. The gossip, the jokes, the commentaries- on soccer, politics, medicine, law and, indeed, every subject under the sun, including cosmology – by conceited  experts parading doubtful credentials.

    This scorching afternoon there is an urgent matter of state, as a young fellow with a scary grin put it. The barber, a short man with a sturdy physique undermined by a bulgy tummy, takes his hand off the clippers to listen to the young man.

    “This Magu matter is really getting interesting. Why will senators find him unfit for the EFCC job, which he has done with so much passion, getting more kudos than knocks? They claim to be acting on a security report,” he says in a mournful tone.

    The reaction is electric – sharp and immediate. It is like emptying a bowl of dry maize before chickens. A row breaks out. A crossfire of arguments. A big scramble to be heard. In no time, the ever-busy shop becomes a scene of a hot debate between two sides – one for Magu and the other against the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) acting chair.

    An elderly man engrossed in a game of draught suddenly looks up to join the discussion. The fire-fight takes a break. All is quiet. “You see, the Senate’s action should be put in the right perspective,” the man begins in a voice tinged with the magisterial calmness of a judge. All is quiet.

    “You see, these are complex matters. We need to understand the contest and the context of it all. Magu, since he mounted the saddle, has turned himself into a strange kind of magun that has been troubling those who see Nigeria as a mugun who must be exploited to death. That is why you have this elite magomago of rejection and all that drama.”

    “Sir, you have turned it all into some esoteric matter. We are confused. You may wish to come down to our level,” says the young man, his face squeezed betraying his ignorance.

    The old man adjusts his thick, black jacket, his chest displaying what obviously used to be a white t-shirt, which has seen better days. From the inner pocket, he whips out a small bottle of a particular drink, opens the cover and turns the contents into his mouth. The smell of gin fills the air. He shakes his head violently and coughs repeatedly. “Hmmm! Hmmm!!. He clears his throat.

    “Pardon that short distraction. You see, these are also spiritual matters and to deal with them adequately, you must be in the spirit. In Yoruba , there is a juju called magun. Loosely translated, magun is ‘do not climb’. When a man suspects his woman of infidelity, he sets the juju against any man who may attempt to see her in the other room (apology to the eminent originators of that elegant phrase). The strange man falls down, kicking his legs and punching the air in a desperate battle to survive the lethal duel with his invisible opponent. He foams from the mouth. If the woman fails to raise the alarm for elders to rush down there, the man may die.

    “The young man Magu, firm and stubborn, has hit some senators and they are foaming in the mouth like magun victims. Can’t you see the conspiracy, the magomago in the botched exercise? I understand that about 15 per cent of the  senators are being investigated by the EFCC. Why won’t they join any other organisation to stop Magu? You think they are muguns (fools, blockheads)?”

    “You see, when Magu hits you, you confess all; you vomit some of your loot and if you’re the obdurate type, you face the law.”

    “But, sir, could the Senate have ignored those allegations against Magu? The N40m apartment, flying in somebody’s jet and keeping documents at home and others.”

    “Really? (The old man smiles, his face glowing with derision). Forget about all that. Why was he not asked to defend himself? You see, there is what we call the principle of Audi alteram partem, that is to say, ‘let the other side be heard’. Now, Magu knows there is no mugun in the Senate.”

    My business done, I leave the barber shop. What will be Magu’s fate? Will he ever get the opportunity to defend his integrity? Let us agree that the Department of State Services (DSS) is reliable; are its allegations against Magu as solid as its integrity? Will President Muhammadu Buhari seek a second opinion on this matter? Will he stand by Magu? Is Magu getting a taste of his own medicine – as some have suggested?

    There have been many suggestions about the future of the EFCC? Many names have come up on the list of those being touted as likely successors. I do not think that we should see this as a problem at all.

    Why don’t we just draft in a distinguished senator? Such a candidate will not need any screening. He will just be asked to take a bow and go ahead to take his job. That way we would have been saved the horror of celebrating screening a security report that makes no room for its subject to defend himself.

    With a senator in charge at the agency, there will be peace and harmony in the land. Our politicians and their allies in the corporate world will no longer don the garb of anxiety as they go about their legitimate businesses. The wealthy, among who are distinguished senators are privileged to be counted, will be free to spend their hard-earned cash, which those who will never understand how these things work, will continue to refer scornfully to as loot. Did they carry any gun or dynamite to tear down the treasury?

    The Executive will no longer worry about those frivolities that we see as essential elements of governance. Newspapers will no longer report arrests of prominent citizens and salaciously sleazy stories. In other words, there will no longer be media trials of our best, big and bright men, many of whom have been hauled before the courts just because they have had the chance to serve us. We will not have to spend scarce foreign exchange on handcuffs. There will be few litigations and we will not need to explain the difference between prosecution and persecution and stealing and corruption.

    The cash pumped into investigation and awareness campaigns will be saved for other matters of national importance, such as the revival of the cassava bread project that held so much promise until it got to the point of delivery. Even at the Presidential Villa where it made its tasty debut, the loaf has been shoved off the breakfast table.

    Pardon the slight diversion. I return to the matter of the battle for EFCC chair.

    What is more, with a senator in charge, it will be easier for the EFCC Act to be amended so that all those powers can be re-examined to give the organization a human face.

    Those fellows who are impervious to change – and reason –  and for whom obstinacy has become an incurable disease may want to recall that a former senator once spoke of how he surveyed the huge chamber, shook his head and said it was filled up with people he had either arrested or locked up for one crime or the other. So what? That was an old Senate; this is the Eighth Senate.

    Besides, they may claim that corruption is fighting back. How? Isn’t that a cliché? And if it is fighting back, is that not to be expected?  Aren’t some of our compatriots already singing “bring back our corruption”, comparing what they describe as good old days of abundance and these days of recession?”

    If a senator heads the EFCC, he will at least ask the authorities who the landlords of his apartment are, even if the government procured the facility. How much rent was paid? How much did the furnishing, including the door mat, cost? Is it local or imported? Who made the furniture? What of the kitchen utensils? The cutlery? The dishes? Are they imported ? Were they procured, purchased or obtained or bought? Who got the contract? Or was it direct labour? Of what fabric are the window blinds made? Imported ? Local?

    Being conversant with the law and its workings, a distinguished senator will ask all these questions  – and more – so as not to be a liability to the war against corruption when he gets this all-important job.

    Some names have come up as being tipped for the job. Commissioner  of Police Zakari Biu (retd.). Remember Biu – the scourge of many a  journalist and activists, who the late Gen. Sani Abacha (of fearful memory), used to scourge his regime’s opponents, including members of  NADECO? Biu,the one who retired into obscurity after getting  into trouble when Boko Haram kingpin Kabiru Sokoto escaped from custody; remember him? There are also Comptroller-General of Customs Hamid Ali, a retired Colonel, Assistant Inspector-General (AIG) Amodu Ali (retd.) and pioneer EFCC Chair Nuhu Ribadu.

    As if to join the race and prove bookmakers right, just three days after Magu’s rejection by the Senate, a senator stepped up his own self-imposed anti- corruption war. He issued a two-page advertorial in national newspapers, urging the citizenry to support Buhari to win the war.

    And those fellows who will never believe in change, let alone give anybody a chance, began to gossip, grinning from ear to ear and whispering: “Is Buruji Kashamu also among the warriors?”

     

  • The MMM fairy tale

    The MMM fairy tale

    There are various ways of reacting to a major calamity in the Yoruba-speaking Southwest. Elders simply shake their heads, recalling how they tried without success to talk the young ones out of trouble. They could also shed some tears and then recede into the cocoon of their homes to mourn their fate.

    The young ones scream to alert the world that an evil occurrence had hit a target. In expressing their pains and agony, they cry out, exclaiming in such a moving manner that neighbours will rush out to offer some comfort and consolation.

    Exclamations, such as moku, mogbe, modaran (I’m dead, I’m lost and I’ve commited a crime) are common. Did you grab the alliteration and the acronym MMM? Some poetic coloration of a mournful situation, if you wish.

    What is “Editorial Notebook” up to this morning? Poetry? Language? Neither, I assure you.

    It is all about the major calamity that befell some of our compatriots on Tuesday when the promoters of the foggy Mavrodi Mondial Movement (MMM) ponzi scheme that has seized the land like harmattan suddenly suspended payment till January. Christmas was just some 12 days away. Now, the cries of  mogbe, mote (I’m disgraced) and molo (I’m gone) have been ringing out from many corners. From other parts of Nigeria have been tears as the greedy and the gullible count their losses.

    At least a suicide attempt has been reported in Benue State. A would-be groom who invested N300,000 in the scheme, on learning about the payment suspension, grabbed a can of an insecticide and gorged himself on the acidic stuff. Doctors are battling to save his life.

    Is this new? No.

    The picture remains as gripping as its first appearance on prime time national television. Ace comedian Sunday Omobolanle, who is also known as Aluwe or Papi Luwe, unusually decked out in a big ceremonial dress, an agbada, a cap made of damask, the type the Yoruba call abetiaja because of its two sides standing firm, erect like a dog’s ear. His face is wreathed in smiles. Behind him is a small crowd of incredulous well-wishers, who also turn out in beautiful dresses. All beaming.

    Aluwe throws open the front door of a beautiful house and looks back at the crowd, raises his hand like a traffic warden’s and says in a loud arresting voice: “Everybody, come inside. Na work of Forum.”

    Forum was the Lagos mortgage firm that promised everyone a home in the 1980s. Many, including the middle class and the wealthy, rushed in there to seek some fortune. Forum became the toast of the town among those who wished to own their own homes. From all over the country, they stormed the company’s elegant headquarters in Lagos to deposit cash.

    Forum crashed. With it were the hopes and aspirations of thousands of unwary depositors. There was no news about the company’s chief promoter, a certain Chief Owolabi, who an American returnee said was seen in New York behind the wheels of a yellow cab.

    There were also other “wonder banks” that promised depositors huge returns on their investments. Umana Umana held sway in Port Harcourt, the Rivers State capital. Plan Well got Benin City residents excited.

    By the time the depositors realised that they had been conned, it was too late to go back.

    Any lesson learnt? None, I dare say. Enter the pure tricksters, pranksters and fraudsters popularly referred to as 419 – in fearful reference to the aspect of the Criminal Code that makes such acts offences. They would write some barely literate letters, claiming to have some fortune somewhere, which has been allocated to you. Unsolicited. There will always be a condition; you must pay some fee to access this huge cash. That is the sting in the operation. As soon as the fool (mugu) is drawn in by a “catcher”, more demands are made. He may even get to see some fake dollars that will need a certain chemical to be cleaned and ready to spend. Wash wash, they call it.

    The gullible continue to fall. In fact, at a point, the Nigerian scam letter was competing with oil – the mainstay of our economy – as our major export. The world was alarmed at the ingenuity of our compatriots, who called it all “reparation” as greedy foreigners would not listen to several warnings from the INTERPOL and local police. Thankfully, with the coming of the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), 419 cases have reduced.

    Who would have thought that with their rich experience Nigerians would some day become victims of any major Internet scam. First it was forex trading. Many pumped in their life savings in a bid to earn dollars in a scheme that is as complex as its obscure players. The jury is still out on how many got injured in this strange game.

    Just as the forex trading noise was subsiding, MMM made its amazing debut. Like all other such schemes, it came with jumbo offers wrapped in some sentimental nonsense – that it is a kind of wealth redistribution in which the poor will have priority. You invest money, which will be transferred to somebody who requires help and 30 per cent is yours at the end of the month. What is more, should you require help, it will be yours for the asking. But there is a warning, which many failed to heed – invest only what you won’t need, the smart, shadowy fellows said.

    According to Wikipedia, MMM was a Russian company that perpetrated one of the world’s largest Ponzi schemes of all time in the 1990s. “By different estimates, from five to 40 million people lost up to $10billion. The exact figures are not known even to the founders.”

    In Nigeria, the promoters defined MMM as a “community where people help each other”. “MMM gives you a technical platform which helps millions of participants worldwide to connect those who need help to those who are ready to provide help for free”.

    The scheme won a multitude of people, many of them middle class who feel the biting effects of the recession. There are also greedy folks who believe in a short cut to wealth and – you won’t believe this – bankers.

    How was MMM getting the cash to pay 30%? Is it a legitimate venture? Who are the promoters? Who decides who needs help and how? Is this a charity? From where do the organisers draw their remunerations?  Who are their bankers? Do they have auditors? Any insurance cover in case of losses? They do not invest the cash they collect; so how do they make money? Is there any free lunch anywhere?”

    These are legitimate questions that many recession – dazed investors failed to ask .

    The Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) warned that it had no hand in the whole show, but the participants sneered at it. The EFCC advised against investing in the bazaar, but its adherents were too far gone in their dream of a life of abundance and jollification promised by the promoters.

    MMM founder Sergey Mavrodi wrote to the Federal Government to explain the workings of the ponzi scheme. He lambasted the government for not providing for Nigerians and attacking those who are trying to help. He lashed out at the government for its ignorance, adding that the about three million participants were aware of the risks.

    In a cocky and scurrilous letter, written in jerky and childish  language, Mavrodi said: “Honourable authorities, so far MMM has come under a constant attack from you. In this regard, I would like to ask you a few simple questions. Since you are concerned with the interests of millions of your fellow citizens, I hope you will be so kind to answer them.

    “What are you trying to get? Do you want the MMM System to collapse and millions of people to suffer? Who will support them if now MMM is their only means of livelihood? Will you? You don’t pay wages to people. Or might you not care about them? Might you be using a trendy topic to make a good name for yourselves? What will you say to a mother who will have no money to buy food for her child? Will you let her child die for the sake of the higher interests of the economy?”

    He rambled on and on, turning logic on its head. The participants were warned about the risks, he said, so the scheme is no scam.

    Now the fairy tale seems to have ended

    In this tragedy, Nigerians have found an opening for laughter. In the social media, there have been videos of some victims lamenting their indiscretion.  A man collapses, his mobile phone in his hand, after getting a call that MMM had crashed. The man on the other side keeps screaming his name.

    Besides, there is an advisory on the MMM disaster:

    “Ensure that you are close to your friends and relations who are into MMM.

    Observe their movements and monitor where they go to.

    If you see any of them going close to a river, an ocean or stream, raise the alarm and invite the police or RRS.

    If you see any of them talking to himself or herself, alert Aro or Yaba.

    If he or she gets aggressive and smashes things, please seek help of neighbours  to tie the man or woman with a thick, cow rope.”

    Another wondered what newspaper headlines will be. His suggestions:

    “MMM stings Nigerians”; “Man commits suicide as MMM closes shop”; “Wife stabs husband, claiming he introduced me to MMM”; “MMM victims protest at National Assembly”;  and “Atiku condoles with MMM victims”.

    The promoters say the payment freeze is temporary. MMM is threatening to return in January. How many of its investors will wait?