The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

  • Again, season of goodwill

    Again, season of goodwill

    I begin with an apology. The last instalment of this column was not meant to slight anybody, not the least those worthy compatriots of ours who deserve to enjoy the warmth and felicitations that this season offers. No.

    Some readers protested that some names of prominent Nigerians were missing from my mailing list. They may have felt neglected, they reasoned. Others were kind enough to suggest who should get what. Again, I apologise.

    President Muhammadu Buhari was listed – to the delight of many. But, to some distinguished readers, if the President deserves to be on the list, why not the First Lady –sorry, I take that back- the wife of the President? Aren’t they right? No gift will be too much for Hajia Aisha Buhari, vivacious, affable and radiant.

    A friend has suggested a compilation of my former boss’ series, “Anxiety in the other room”. But the problem is that Mr Femi Kusa, the frontline journalist-turned-herbalist, is yet to conclude the series even after five instalments in this newspaper.

    I have a less complex idea. Madam will get a copy of a poem a potential  literary champion is working on. It will be framed in fine, well polished and glossy mahogany. The fellow, who wishes to remain anonymous until the work is completed, offered me a rare glimpse into the first few lines, which he has permitted me to share with you.

                 Take me to the other room

                 Where there is no sorrow

                 The other room where all pains dissolve                                                

                  into joyous cries

                 The other room where men become babies

                 The other room where all proposals are                                 

                 signed and sealed

                 Oh no room like the other room  

    Another reader made a case for former First Lady Patience Jonathan, who he said had gone through a lot since her husband left office. The other day in Enugu, some youths carried placards, protesting against the seizure of Mrs Jonathan’s $15m in some bank accounts opened in the names of some companies. Others joined the protest yesterday in Lagos and Abuja. To be fair to the former First Lady, she complained to her husband’s ex-aide who facilitated the opening of the accounts that the documents were not in her name. He promised to change that. Apparently, he never did, even as Her Excellency continued to run the accounts.

    Many, including the youthful protesters, have praised “Mama Peace” for coming up to claim the cash, which the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) described as “proceeds of crime”, even after she had let everyone into what was otherwise a family secret – that the fortune belongs to her mother. But, some idle fellows parading themselves as social critics and analysts have been asking  exasperating questions, obviously in their dubious plan to enrage her: “How did she get the money? Was it from her ice cream shop? Kickback? “

    It is fitting and proper to remark that despite the provocation, Mrs Jonathan remains firm. From me, Her Excellency will get a lorry-load of T-shirts with the inscription: MY MONEY GROWS LIKE GRASS. Those youths protesting for her will at least have a uniform for better identification so that their gathering will not be penetrated by touts and other criminal elements.

    Going by the readers’ protest, Rivers State Governor Nyesom Wike, a chief, deserves to be listed even ahead of his Kaduna counterpart, the impulsive Nasir El-Rufai, the one who claims to have  been fighting for peace even as his political opponents cry out that he is a clear and present danger to peace.

    Wike’s opponents have accused him of uncountable allegations, some of them  criminal. Deriding his hard-won electoral victory, they alleged that he rode into office on a road awash with blood and strewn with smashed heads and limbs. They said the governor was borrowing money recklessly, but it is to His Excellency’s credit that nobody has claimed that he is inconsistent.

    On his inauguration, he vowed to protect the rights of Rivers people. Needless to say, the governor has done this with remarkable agility. He once rushed out of bed, braved the night and all its dangerous oddities to save a judge whose home was being  invaded by Department of State Services (DSS) operatives. His critics, obviously those who may have forgotten that he is a lawyer, said he was obstructing justice. Do they know the law more than the governor?

    Wike has vowed that his Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) will win Saturday’s by-election. He once advised that the officials coming to conduct the last Assembly polls should write their Wills. Thankfully, no official died in the elections, which the PDP won.

    Now the governor says security agents plan to help him make history by making him the first governor to get killed in office. The opposition All Progressives Congress (APC) says His Excellency is merely raising hell to cover up a massive plan to rig the ballot. Before the dust raised by the allegation could settle, the governor launched another, saying his security aides had been withdrawn. The police denied it.

    I have ordered a big family-size piano, which will be mounted in His Excellency’s living room. A young man well grounded in classical music can always sit down to work the keyboard for the governor’s favourite hymns whenever he seems to be in a foul mood. The Bible (David playing for Saul) days again? Why not? Doesn’t the world know that His Excellency is a believer? A cheeky fellow once remarked that Wike holds the enviable record of a governor whose head has been touched by all the Pentecostal giants in the land. I won’t confirm that because I don’t have the figures.

    A reader suggested a gift for Ekiti State strongman Ayo Fayose. This being a family paper, I will not go into the details, which are full of seditious propositions. You may call him a stunts man of the Ballotelian class and a hell raiser of the Wikerian school, but you can’t accuse Fayose of docility. No.

    When His Excellency stormed the Assembly last year to table the budget, he came with his own gavel. After a short speech, in which his opponents said he was rambling, Fayose turned to the gallery, which was jammed by visitors, and asked: “Those who want this budget passed speedily say ‘yeah’”. The lawmakers kept quiet, but the gallery erupted in a shout of ‘yeah!’. “Those who doesn’t (sic) want this budget passed speedily, say ‘yeah’”. All was quiet.  “The ayes have it,” the governor said, turning to an aide who gave him the gavel. He then banged the table and said: “Mr Speaker, I hereby present the budget.” Applause. Applause.

    On Tuesday, Fayose returned to the House to submit next year’s budget. He was decked out in a black vest, a pair of military fatigue (camouflage) trousers and a fez cap of the same material. Tall and trim, His Excellency was, of course, the cynosure of all eyes. His appearance brought back memories of the great Fidel Castro, the Cuban legend who has just passed on. Only the thick, dark cigar was missing.

    He explained his dressing to his bewildered audience, who apparently thought Fayose had emptied his bag of stunts, saying: “We are in serious wartime in Nigeria. We are at war in Nigeria.”

    Perhaps for modesty, His Excellency did not bring a gavel, but he stressed that the Speaker is his representative. “I’m the Speaker. He is the Acting Speaker. Therefore, if I say this budget will be passed by me, it will be passed,” Fayose said.

    I have ordered for His Excellency some cartons of the best Cuban cigar – to complete this new dressing. He need not smoke it – I understand he doesn’t smoke. He can just chew the stuff.

    Also missing on the maiden mailing list is the indefatigable defender of party discipline, rule of law and loyalty, Ali Modu Sheriff, the former Borno State Governor, who is in the thick of the crisis that has hobbled the PDP.

    Some party chiefs are now ruing the day they drafted Sheriff in as acting chairman. When they asked him to step aside for a Caretaker Committee headed by Senator Ahmed Makarfi, the former Kaduna Governor, Sheriff went to court.  Thus began an internecine war that has cost the opposition party so much.

    His opponents accuse him of being an accessory to the rise of Boko Haram, the terrorist sect troubling the Northeast, urging security agents to take him in. Sheriff denies it all and vows to pursue justice for his faction of the party. I planned to send His Excellency a book on leadership, but a colleague of mine doubted if he would appreciate that. He asked me: “Does he read? Have you forgotten how he boasted while in government that only a negligible percentage of his people was reading?”

    I wasn’t really persuaded, but to be cautious, I changed my mind. Now His Excellency will get 100 cartons of the best brand of spray starch for his big babariga  to remain crisp and smooth as he shuttles from one court to the other in search of justice.

    Now a little family secret. “Editorial Notebook”, you must have noted, never talks about this reporter so as not to be accused of abuse of privilege. My wife has also demanded, as a matter of conjugal right and privilege, to be on the mailing list. She even suggested some “romantic” gifts, which a poor reporter can hardly handle in these days of recession.

    After a long rumination over this sensitive issue, I have decided to give her my Automated Teller Machine (ATM) card for just 24 hours.

    Again, the mailing list remains open. After all, we are still in the season of goodwill. Compliments!

  • Another season of goodwill

    Another season of goodwill

    Is santa coming this way soon? I really can’t bet on that. The recession has sparked hunger and anger. Shut factories and cracked roads that guzzle blood everyday. An electricity crisis that has sent the cost of running businesses flying out of reach.  Job cuts and foreign exchange trouble. High cost of drugs that keeps patients depressed. The mood is unusual. Dull and drab. Oh, what a season.

    How will Santa Claus cope with tearful kids struggling to tug at his snow-white beards?  Who will console the elderly in this otherwise season of goodwill?

    Resilient as ever, Nigerians have been struggling to put up a bold face against the recessional depression. They are taking it all on the chin. Some homes have set up Christmas trees with lights that wink all-night.

    Despite the tyranny of these times, I have embarked on my yearly ritual of drawing up a mailing list of those prominent Nigerians who deserve to get gifts from me. I have been scouring the web for great gifts.

    Who tops my mailing list? And there is no price for guessing right, dear reader. Being a firm believer in protocol, I won’t skip President Muhammadu Buhari for  other prominent but less powerful Nigerians. No.

    With just about 16 months into his administration, the President seems to have touched the nerves of some Nigerians who have been asking: “Is this the change we voted for?” “Na change we go chop?”They point at rising prices of food and services. Some, apparently in frustration, have even suggested that “corruption should return”, as they draw up comparisons with the Dr Goodluck Jonathan era when they got crumbs that fell from the tables of government officials and their friends who were living like kings and partying like Hollywood stars.

    Buhari, of course, denounced that cosmetic era. The veneer of prosperity was all vestige of a golden era that no longer exists. He went after corrupt individuals who ganged up to rape the treasury on a scale beyond imagination, even by our weird standards. There have been revelations of people collecting a fortune for contracts that were never executed.

    Now there seems to be some order, but the government is stuck in the mud of a poor economy, fuelled by low oil prices and worsened by the new wave of militancy in the Niger Delta. Many states can’t pay their workers. Nigerians’ faith in the country is under attack. Pro-Biafra agitators have added to the dicey security situation. Boko Haram, sequestered in Sambisa forest from where it launches  devastating  occasional attacks, seems to be playing the snake with a slashed tail – vicious.

    The only thing that has not been questioned is Buhari’s integrity. It is not too late for the government to set its hand to the plough, be creative, pull us out of this recession and set rolling the good times he promised.

    Our situation is not new. Nor is it peculiar. For the President, I have ordered a copy of Roger Matuz’s “The presidents fact book”. It is a compilation of “the achievements, campaigns, events, triumphs, tragedies, and legacies of every American president from George Washington to Barack Obama”. He will surely find it a great resource material from which he can draw inspiration to tackle the problems we face.

    As I pulled the book off the shelf, the bookshop manager, a cheeky fellow who is obviously struck by a strange type of childish exuberance, asked me: “Who are you ordering this for? Do they read?” Not being one to be found among people of unconscionable conduct posing as “radicals”, I quickly summoned my legs for a dash outside the shop.

    Just when we thought the noisy controversy generated by his scurrilous trilogy, “My Watch”, in which he portrayed everybody as unworthy in character, we thought former President Olusegun Obasanjo had hit the peak of his egocentric tendencies. How wrong we were.

    Obasanjo, without provocation, last week, suddenly lashed out at Buhari, asking him to stop whining and face the economy. He called the National Assembly a den of unarmed robbers who should get the kind of treatment to which the judiciary has been subjected in a desperate bid to rid the institution of corruption. He was harsh and brash, taking no prisoner.

    The lawmakers, of course, defended their integrity. They described Obasanjo as the grandfather of corruption and accused him of plotting against Buhari. The former President has since held his fire. A colleague remarked that he must have had memories of his days in the Abacha gulag flooding back to him.

    For Obasanjo, I have ordered a copy of “The life plan study Bible”, edited by John Hagoe. He should pay attention to Luke 6:42, Psalms 10:4 and Proverbs 8:13.

    It is fine that Dr Goodluck Jonathan has shaken off the moroseness that comes with a major calamity, such as losing the presidency. He has since hit the lecture circuit, turning it all into a great advantage. He is now an apostle of good governance, leadership and democracy. The halls, I am told, are throbbing with people.

    But Jonathan still owes the world the story of his presidency. Besides a pack of the highly rated multivitamin Pharmaton, I plan to mail His Excellency a copy of  Judith Barrington’s “Writing the memoir”.  A president caged in a demonic villa will surely have a lot to tell.

    Poor Kemi Adeosun. The more the Finance minister tries to explain the government’s handling of the economy, the more furious her critics get. The other day she said about N750b had been pumped into the economy to tackle the crippling recession. From many angles came a flood of questions : “Where is the money? Who got it? How was it spent?” Some have even questioned Mrs Adeosun’s competence.

    I hope the woman still finds time to sleep. From me she will get a brand new M2 Basic Automatic Blood Pressure Monitor, the OMRON brand. She needs it, no doubt.

    Former police chief Solomon Arase has opened his law office. Those who expected him to open a car shop after his predecessor Ibrahim Idris accused him of leaving office with 48 exotic vehicles must have been disappointed. Arase advised Idris to stop crying over cars and face his tough job. From me, Idris is getting a list of companies willing to donate cars to the police, but they have put a caveat-  kidnappers and robbers must be reined in.

    Senator Dino Melaye has made the list again. He remains as pugnacious as ever after being vaulted from street activism – rent-a-crowd, as some would insist – to the Senate. Hyperactive and easily excited like an over pampered kindergarten undergraduate , Melaye seizes the floor to make wild allegations and disturb the peace of the chamber with his inanities. By now, the distinguished senator must have run out of “Kalms”, the herbal medication that aids sleep at night and clear, calm and reflective reasoning during the day. That was what I mailed him last year. He gets a full pack – in the spirit of this season of goodwill.

    Chief Tony Anenih has quit partisan politics after presenting his memoirs, which have enjoyed good mention in the media. He no longer wishes to be called and addressed as “Mr Fix it”, the sobriquet he earned by what many thought was his rare ability to turn things around during elections. His critics – as well as his admirers – ascribe to him either rightly or wrongly the unusual skill of turning  a loser into a winner and vice versa. For this quality, he was loathed by some, respected by many and feared by all.

    Many believe that with his Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) losing the 2015 election after threatening to rule Nigeria for 60 years non-stop and former Governor Adams Oshiomhole troubling him at home with his vociferous campaign against godfathers, it was time the chief quit politics.

    From me, the Iyasele of Esanland will get a massaging machine and a year’s supply of the refreshing drink “Lucozade” to keep him as active as ever, even in retirement. Who knows, the old man may some day be pressured to lend a hand in saving the troubled party.

    Even before fate thrust onto his laps the governorship of Kaduna State, Nasir El-Rufai was a cantankerous fellow. Temperamental, conceited and overrated, El-Rufai has been jumping from one battle to another since he mounted the saddle as governor. He ordered beggars off the street in a manner that infuriated the poor. He forged a division within the local All Progressives Congress (APC), fighting Senator Shehu Sani. Communal clashes are common. The Shiites, whose leader has been in detention for months, he has accused of planning an Iranian type of revolution in Nigeria, just to justify the hammering of the sect that lost many of its members in a bloody encounter with soldiers.

    There are rumours that El-Rufai was a major influence in the internecine feud that saw the APC going into the Ondo State governorship election a divided team. He is said to have his eyes on being president in 2019, a claim he has refused to admit or dismiss.

    Whatever his critics may say about him and his fairy tale rise to stardom, El-Rufai has been lucky; his past has refused to haunt him, unlike many of his former colleagues who are either answering questions on what they did while in office or hustling contract papers in Abuja.

    I have ordered for His Excellency a copy of the Holy Quran. He should pay attention to  Quran 7:146 and Quran 16:23.

    My mailing list remains open to accommodate any omission that may have occurred.  Feel free to contact me should you notice that any of our deserving compatriots has been left out of this list.

    Compliments of the season.

  • Another season of goodwill

    Another season of goodwill

    Is santa coming this way soon? I really can’t bet on that. The recession has sparked hunger and anger. Shut factories and cracked roads that guzzle blood everyday. An electricity crisis that has sent the cost of running businesses flying out of reach.  Job cuts and foreign exchange trouble. High cost of drugs that keeps patients depressed. The mood is unusual. Dull and drab. Oh, what a season.

    How will Santa Claus cope with tearful kids struggling to tug at his snow-white beards?  Who will console the elderly in this otherwise season of goodwill?

    Resilient as ever, Nigerians have been struggling to put up a bold face against the recessional depression. They are taking it all on the chin. Some homes have set up Christmas trees with lights that wink all-night.

    Despite the tyranny of these times, I have embarked on my yearly ritual of drawing up a mailing list of those prominent Nigerians who deserve to get gifts from me. I have been scouring the web for great gifts.

    Who tops my mailing list? And there is no price for guessing right, dear reader. Being a firm believer in protocol, I won’t skip President Muhammadu Buhari for  other prominent but less powerful Nigerians. No.

    With just about 16 months into his administration, the President seems to have touched the nerves of some Nigerians who have been asking: “Is this the change we voted for?” “Na change we go chop?”They point at rising prices of food and services. Some, apparently in frustration, have even suggested that “corruption should return”, as they draw up comparisons with the Dr Goodluck Jonathan era when they got crumbs that fell from the tables of government officials and their friends who were living like kings and partying like Hollywood stars.

    Buhari, of course, denounced that cosmetic era. The veneer of prosperity was all vestige of a golden era that no longer exists. He went after corrupt individuals who ganged up to rape the treasury on a scale beyond imagination, even by our weird standards. There have been revelations of people collecting a fortune for contracts that were never executed.

    Now there seems to be some order, but the government is stuck in the mud of a poor economy, fuelled by low oil prices and worsened by the new wave of militancy in the Niger Delta. Many states can’t pay their workers. Nigerians’ faith in the country is under attack. Pro-Biafra agitators have added to the dicey security situation. Boko Haram, sequestered in Sambisa forest from where it launches  devastating  occasional attacks, seems to be playing the snake with a slashed tail – vicious.

    The only thing that has not been questioned is Buhari’s integrity. It is not too late for the government to set its hand to the plough, be creative, pull us out of this recession and set rolling the good times he promised.

    Our situation is not new. Nor is it peculiar. For the President, I have ordered a copy of Roger Matuz’s “The presidents fact book”. It is a compilation of “the achievements, campaigns, events, triumphs, tragedies, and legacies of every American president from George Washington to Barack Obama”. He will surely find it a great resource material from which he can draw inspiration to tackle the problems we face.

    As I pulled the book off the shelf, the bookshop manager, a cheeky fellow who is obviously struck by a strange type of childish exuberance, asked me: “Who are you ordering this for? Do they read?” Not being one to be found among people of unconscionable conduct posing as “radicals”, I quickly summoned my legs for a dash outside the shop.

    Just when we thought the noisy controversy generated by his scurrilous trilogy, “My Watch”, in which he portrayed everybody as unworthy in character, we thought former President Olusegun Obasanjo had hit the peak of his egocentric tendencies. How wrong we were.

    Obasanjo, without provocation, last week, suddenly lashed out at Buhari, asking him to stop whining and face the economy. He called the National Assembly a den of unarmed robbers who should get the kind of treatment to which the judiciary has been subjected in a desperate bid to rid the institution of corruption. He was harsh and brash, taking no prisoner.

    The lawmakers, of course, defended their integrity. They described Obasanjo as the grandfather of corruption and accused him of plotting against Buhari. The former President has since held his fire. A colleague remarked that he must have had memories of his days in the Abacha gulag flooding back to him.

    For Obasanjo, I have ordered a copy of “The life plan study Bible”, edited by John Hagoe. He should pay attention to Luke 6:42, Psalms 10:4 and Proverbs 8:13.

    It is fine that Dr Goodluck Jonathan has shaken off the moroseness that comes with a major calamity, such as losing the presidency. He has since hit the lecture circuit, turning it all into a great advantage. He is now an apostle of good governance, leadership and democracy. The halls, I am told, are throbbing with people.

    But Jonathan still owes the world the story of his presidency. Besides a pack of the highly rated multivitamin Pharmaton, I plan to mail His Excellency a copy of  Judith Barrington’s “Writing the memoir”.  A president caged in a demonic villa will surely have a lot to tell.

    Poor Kemi Adeosun. The more the Finance minister tries to explain the government’s handling of the economy, the more furious her critics get. The other day she said about N750b had been pumped into the economy to tackle the crippling recession. From many angles came a flood of questions : “Where is the money? Who got it? How was it spent?” Some have even questioned Mrs Adeosun’s competence.

    I hope the woman still finds time to sleep. From me she will get a brand new M2 Basic Automatic Blood Pressure Monitor, the OMRON brand. She needs it, no doubt.

    Former police chief Solomon Arase has opened his law office. Those who expected him to open a car shop after his predecessor Ibrahim Idris accused him of leaving office with 48 exotic vehicles must have been disappointed. Arase advised Idris to stop crying over cars and face his tough job. From me, Idris is getting a list of companies willing to donate cars to the police, but they have put a caveat-  kidnappers and robbers must be reined in.

    Senator Dino Melaye has made the list again. He remains as pugnacious as ever after being vaulted from street activism – rent-a-crowd, as some would insist – to the Senate. Hyperactive and easily excited like an over pampered kindergarten undergraduate , Melaye seizes the floor to make wild allegations and disturb the peace of the chamber with his inanities. By now, the distinguished senator must have run out of “Kalms”, the herbal medication that aids sleep at night and clear, calm and reflective reasoning during the day. That was what I mailed him last year. He gets a full pack – in the spirit of this season of goodwill.

    Chief Tony Anenih has quit partisan politics after presenting his memoirs, which have enjoyed good mention in the media. He no longer wishes to be called and addressed as “Mr Fix it”, the sobriquet he earned by what many thought was his rare ability to turn things around during elections. His critics – as well as his admirers – ascribe to him either rightly or wrongly the unusual skill of turning  a loser into a winner and vice versa. For this quality, he was loathed by some, respected by many and feared by all.

    Many believe that with his Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) losing the 2015 election after threatening to rule Nigeria for 60 years non-stop and former Governor Adams Oshiomhole troubling him at home with his vociferous campaign against godfathers, it was time the chief quit politics.

    From me, the Iyasele of Esanland will get a massaging machine and a year’s supply of the refreshing drink “Lucozade” to keep him as active as ever, even in retirement. Who knows, the old man may some day be pressured to lend a hand in saving the troubled party.

    Even before fate thrust onto his laps the governorship of Kaduna State, Nasir El-Rufai was a cantankerous fellow. Temperamental, conceited and overrated, El-Rufai has been jumping from one battle to another since he mounted the saddle as governor. He ordered beggars off the street in a manner that infuriated the poor. He forged a division within the local All Progressives Congress (APC), fighting Senator Shehu Sani. Communal clashes are common. The Shiites, whose leader has been in detention for months, he has accused of planning an Iranian type of revolution in Nigeria, just to justify the hammering of the sect that lost many of its members in a bloody encounter with soldiers.

    There are rumours that El-Rufai was a major influence in the internecine feud that saw the APC going into the Ondo State governorship election a divided team. He is said to have his eyes on being president in 2019, a claim he has refused to admit or dismiss.

    Whatever his critics may say about him and his fairy tale rise to stardom, El-Rufai has been lucky; his past has refused to haunt him, unlike many of his former colleagues who are either answering questions on what they did while in office or hustling contract papers in Abuja.

    I have ordered for His Excellency a copy of the Holy Quran. He should pay attention to  Quran 7:146 and Quran 16:23.

    My mailing list remains open to accommodate any omission that may have occurred.  Feel free to contact me should you notice that any of our deserving compatriots has been left out of this list.

    Compliments of the season.

     

  • These recession times

    These recession times

    Where has all the money gone?

    This is the question many Nigerians have been asking, like an unrepentant gambler after a night of losses at the casino.

    The signs were there in bold, unmistakable letters – that we had been hit by a  financial crisis. What was not clear was the weight of the calamity. Many states could not pay their workers as the federal accounts maintained a downward trend that seemed unprecedented. Oil prices crashed. Besides, Nigeria could not meet its quota as a new group of militants seized the industry by the throat, bombing oil facilities and boasting about it. A lifeline in form of a bailout was like a drop in the ocean.

    Then the government broke the sad news of a recession. It said we were not going to be in it for long. The man in the street did not understand what it was all about. Now we all know what it means; hard times. No doubt.

    Secretary to the Government of the Federation Babachir David Lawal’s lamentation when a group of lawmakers visited him at work was dreadful. He painted a grim picture of the financial mess. Our former presidents and heads of state had not been paid their allowances for 10 months, he said. Besides, said Lawal, the last Independence Anniversary was celebrated with a N33million loan. Ah! The irony of a rich country, blessed by nature but swimming in a self-made ocean of poverty, created by its treacherous leading lights who swore to care for it.

    Many Nigerians dismissed it all as a joke. All over town, there were questions on the propriety of “pampering” our former leaders. How much are they paid? Do they receive the money and smile or get that feeling of inner revulsion that pricks: “Do I really deserve this?” Did they serve us or we served them?

    Fair is fair. Why won’t they get paid for their meritorious services that brought us this far? In a compassionate environment, such leaders, who we deride as looters, will be deified and worshipped as true patriots who agreed to serve  their fatherland.  Their wives, those former first ladies, who had to carry on with state responsibilities of great importance instead of just attending to the first family’s overwhelming needs, should have a life-long supply of shoes and bags from the world’s best boutiques. Shouldn’t Imelda Marcos  be envious of them? Now we seize their hard-earned cash, forcing them to go to court to enforce their fundamental right to own huge funds in whatever currency. What ingratitude.

    Whichever way you look at it, the Lawal  story has shown our financial status. Our account is in the red.

    Another piece of bad news was broken on Tuesday. Gross Domestic Product (GDP) “contracts by -2.24% in third quarter”, according to the National Bureau of Statistics. In simple language, fewer goods and services have been produced. Government revenue has dropped further and foreign currency is drying up, with crude oil production falling to 1.63 million barrels per day. We had planned to do more than 2.2million barrels per day.

    What does this portend for 2017? Tougher times? Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) Governor Godwin Emefiele says the worst is over and that we will soon be relieved, considering the measures being put in place by the government. In fact, Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun says about N750b has been pumped into the system to save it from collapsing. We are yet to feel the impact of this injection.

    Apparently worried that it has tried all the tricks in the book, but there seems to be little result and believing that it is being sabotaged, the government has resorted to some unorthodox means to drive home its desire. The other day in some major cities, it went after currency vendors in a desperate battle to crack the forex conundrum. They were beaten black and blue and dumped into detention. It was back to Fela’s Roforofo fight!

    Even though it is lawful to seize currency hawkers, is it the way to go now? Who are the sources of the cash these guys hawk? Are they unstoppable? Since banks have been forced to publish the names of their customers who get foreign exchange to import machines and raw materials, how many customers have been grabbed for misapplying such facilities? Why are factories either closing down or running at low capacities despite the foreign exchange injection? Why are manufacturers crying? Blackmail? We need to get scientific about this.

    There was even the rumour that the CBN –the apex bank has, thankfully denied it all – was planning to propose an amendment to the foreign currency law that will criminalise holding cash without taking it to the bank. Latching on to the rumour, the Senate issued a statement, saying it would not back such a proposal.

    And Nigerians keep on asking: where has all the money gone? Some would want the government to stop saying it has all gone into some people’s pockets and that it is battling to recover it. Others would even want due process set aside for the government to serve justice like a MacDonald’s burger – hot, fresh and fast. No. That way, the innocent will suffer the same fate as the gluttonous and reckless fellows who brought this cataclysm upon us.

    The other day in Ilupeju-Ekiti, a chief who allegedly stole a phone was sentenced to one month hard labour by the king, the Apeju, Oba Olaleye Oniyelu. The chief’s punishment, which he has begun to serve, is digging a well in the heart of the town’s main market.

    “The well must bring out clean water or else the punishment won’t be complete,” a resident said. Whoever is familiar with the Ekiti terrain – rocky, tough and reddish – will know that the troubled chief has his work cut out for him. I know that advocates of fast food justice and adherents of mob action must be hailing the Ilupeju solution. Are they right?

    It is reprehensible that amid the hunger in the land, some of our compatriots are busy talking about the 2019 elections – just a few months after the Muhammmadu Buhari administraton’s one year in office. There have been arguments on whether the masses will follow Buhari in 2019 or not? He will be lonely in 2019, Alhaji Buba Galadima, a former Congress for Progressive Change (CPC) chief, screamed the other day. He will not; the masses will follow him, presidential aide Garba Shehu yelled back.

    Please, give us a break. Has Buhari thrown his hat in the ring already? Is he also part of the incredulous plot by some of his aides and associates to seize the political landscape as a vehicle to drive their ambitions?

    Didn’t the holy book speak of a time for everything? This is no time for politics. It is time for our leaders to exhibit the talents that they often claim – and they are acclaimed – to possess, pull the country out of this recession and deliver the good times they promised. Otherwise, we risk an unpleasant situation, a masses revolt (God forbid).

    Amid all this, Nigerians have refused to allow their sense of humour to die. The fecundity of their minds for imaginative jocularity is amazing. They have been cracking some morbid jokes about the recession.

    Consider this from a colleague of mine: “Warning! Warning! Any Nigerian trying to commit suicide must be rescued, arrested and prosecuted .We are all in this recession together. Nobody is going anywhere. We must salvage it together.”

    Yet another: “This recession is terrible o. People are now pricing electricity; a beg how much is half current?”

    There is also the picture of a man who bought a popular brand of sausage. He tore off the package and exposed the stuff, which  shows just a little piece of beef. He screamed: “Ah…recession!”   

    Among the masses, the question won’t just go away: where has all the money gone?

  • Enter President Trump

    Enter President Trump

    After their most divisive campaigns ever, Americans went to the polls Tuesday. They chose controversial businessman Donald Trump as their president.

    The new president has his job well cut out for him. The battle is over; the war lies ahead. The main headache is how to unify a country torn apart by xenophobia, its cherished values desecrated.

    Trump knew what the majority of American voters wanted. He gave them a song: “We will make America great again”. Many were sold out to the sentiment. They plunged headlong into the emotion. Reason was thrown out of the window. Ah; the limits of intellect.

    Suddenly, experience, an age-long asset, became a liability  that had lost its weight on the scale of credibility. Morality lost its place. Many felt the race was over, with all the salacious expose on Trump’s denigration of womanhood – he joked about grabbing women’s bodies. Besides, some women went public with how the Republican candidate harassed them sexually.

    TV reality show contestant Summer Zervos cited a 2007 incident. She claimed that Trump kissed her , touched her breast and tried to get her to lie down with him on a bed during a job hunt. “He put me in an embrace and I tried to push him away. I pushed his chest to put space between us and I said, ‘Come on man, get real’. He repeated my words back to me, ‘Get real’, as he began thrusting his genitals,” Zervos said.

    She was in tears. Beside her was celebrity attorney Gloria Allred at a Los Angeles press conference. “I wondered if the sexual behavior was some kind of test and whether or not I had passed,” she said.

    Trump denied it all. He said he could vaguely remember Zervos as one of the contestants on “The Apprentice” over the years.

    The Washington Post published a video account of a woman who claimed that Trump put his hand under her skirt. To American voters, it was all bunkum. Not even the sudden appearance of a video with the candidate surrounded by some women dressed like strip dancers hugging him and he grabbing them excitedly below the waist could sway the die-hards. They said so with their votes.

    Before the election day, many had demonstrated that they would either sink or swim with Trump. At a rally in Cincinnati, Ohio, a woman wore a T-shirt with the inscription, “Trump can grab my… “ , with an arrow pointing to her crouch.

    Trump promised to build a wall to stop Mexicans crossing into the United States. Mexico, he said, will pay for the job. He never hid his disdain for Moslems and would send back home Africans as well as other immigrants.

    The bookmakers were right not to have given Trump much chance. It turned out that they were wrong. Damn wrong. But that is the beauty of democracy. The majority carried the day.

    I wonder the kind of greatness President Trump will bring back to his America in a delicate world that requires so much wisdom, political deftness and intellect. Racism? Empty machismo? Misogyny? The future seems to be so uncertain in the hands of a president who seems to be unprepared for this all-important job. America is likely to be isolated in a world that looks up to it for leadership. The business Trump has promised to protect is likely to suffer in the stifling environment. The stock markets were down immediately the news broke that Trump had won the election.

    Perhaps Clinton would have made it if there was no “official conspiracy” as seen in the FBI’s suspicious probe of her emails, an exercise that portrayed her as careless and unreliable. There was no problem with the probe, but the popular thinking was that the timing was wrong, thrown in when the polls showed that she was set to win. It was a blow below the belt.

    Some Americans launched a protest. They burnt the American flag and screamed: “He’s not our president.” Nigerians were laughing at them. They should have understudied the Peoples Democratic Party(PDP), they said. There should have been an Elder Godsday Orubebe storming the hall to stop the announcement of the result of the election and screaming like a hungry hyena: “Jega, you have been compromised. We no longer have confidence in you!”.

    The election, said a cynical fellow who claimed to have followed it all, ought to have been declared “inconclusive” as soon as Trump won in Florida. A Clinton supporter should have rushed to court to obtain an injunction barring the authorities, their agents, officials, privies or whosoever has any business with the results to stop the announcement henceforth. Thereafter he would have proceeded to another court of competent jurisdiction to obtain a perpetual injunction stopping Trump from ever running again.

    Millions of Nigerians stayed up all-night, glued to their television sets. It was as if a Nigerian was on the ballot. They were eager to be part of history.

    Many were battling to draw a parallel between the American experience and the Nigerian situation. One would have said they were miles apart, but for Trump who dragged it all into the gutters. Even before the first ballot was cast, he had sworn that he would only accept the result on one condition – if he won. Besides, he alleged that there were plots to rig the election for his opponent.

    As the polls got underway, Trump went to court to challenge the extension of voting in Nevada. Too late, many said. In Nigeria, a serious candidate would not have waited for voting. He would have several weeks or months earlier rushed to court to stop his opponent for some inconsequential or perceived errors in the opposing party’s primary election.

    There were no incidents of ballot box stuffing or snatching. The lists of voters were not doctored. Besides, when computers malfunctioned in Utah, nobody cried that they were being manipulated. In Nigeria, that would have been a major issue. The other time when former President Goodluck Jonathan and his wife could not be accredited early, PDP chiefs alleged that using the card reader was all part of a grand plan to rig the election. “How could the machine have malfunctioned when the first family were set to be accredited. Na wayo,” they cried.

    Some Nigerians were even grumbling that the American election was dull. One said:”What kind of election is this o? It is very boring. No Trump rice. No Clinton salt, no recharge card. No Ankara. No fish. People are just waiting on long queues; no ‘see and buy’ cash  and no ECOMOG. Na wa o.”

    Others were busy imagining what would have been on the minds of prominent Nigerian politicians if the stage had been here, with the news channels churning out the results. In the social media, there were flashbacks to the 2015 general elections. “As we speak now we are winning in 23 states and we have 64 per cent while the APC is winning in 14 states and has 36 per cent. The results are subject to confirmation… . However, we are certain of what we are saying because we have information from our agents in every polling unit nationwide. No one must test our will by attempting to change these results… .” That was the Jonathan Campaign spokesman Femi Fani-Kayode when it was as clear as the day that the PDP was losing the battle.

    There were suggestions about what some prominent Nigerians would have said. “All the bad things said about Trump were exaggerated” – Dr Goodluck Jonathan. “Trump is already winning. Rig this election and rig your life” – Nyesom Wike. “We will hold Buhari responsible if Trump fails” –Fayose. “I have no money to refund to Clinton. I have spent everything on publicity” – Raymond Dokpesi.

    Prof Wole Soyinka was said to have promised to tear his green card, should Trump win. That brought back memories of former President Olusegun Obasanjo who directed somebody to tear his PDP card publicly. “E bami ya welewele” (shred it well), he told the fellow as the small crowd of his supporters sang a dirge for the party. Will the Nobel laureate carry out his threat or listen to those who are saying he should never bother about this “American wonder”? He does not need to.

    Clinton has conceded defeat. She has congratulated Trump. She has praised her supporters, telling them all not to be discouraged and to see themselves as members of the American team. Obama also said Americans should not see themselves as Democrats or Republicans but Americans. That is the spirit.

    But the question remains: What kind of president will Trump be? May God bless-sorry, a slip-help America.

  • Dollar don cos

    Dollar don cos

    It is not new. In fact, a senator, who is notorious for raising false alarm and not given to intellectual exertions, had mastered it as a veritable weapon of survival before fortune smiled at him. The garrulous fellow practised it dutifully like a family trade and elevated it into a money spinning venture, reaping bountiful financial rewards.

    So proud  is this cantankerous senator of his strange trade that he has been showing  off its proceeds – exotic cars and beautiful homes and women – in the social media.

    Now, cash-for-protest, otherwise known as “rent a crowd”, has become an all-comers affair, arranged by shadowy groups for shadowy clients desperate to attain some shadowy goals.

    One of such groups was at work last week in Abuja. A small crowd of old women and youths, who obviously did not know why they were protesting, carried placards bearing inscriptions many of them could neither read nor understand. Some of them looked like scavengers on lunch break from one of the city’s huge dumpsites. Others were dressed like women hassled off their beats at the throbbing local market.

    The protesters were demanding the removal of Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) Governor Godwin Emefiele. Asked why they were up in arms against Emefiele, one of them replied: Dollar don cos.

    It is true that the exchange rate has gone crazy. The naira has been so devalued that many are wondering if it will ever recover. Inflation, which averaged 9.69 per cent from 2007, has hit 17.20 per cent. Consumer prices have jumped by 17.1 per cent. Lending rate, which officially remains at 18 per cent, has gone up to as much as 27 per cent.

    Ask a roadside trader why his gari is so expensive, she would swiftly reply: Oga, dollar don cos. Do we also import gari?

    In my layman’s view, we are all guilty of fuelling the situation that has hobbled and humbled us this badly. The government did not see the wisdom in saving for the rainy day. A massive import regime ensured that foreign reserves were quickly depleted. We all developed a gluttonous taste for foreign goods, including many we never needed. Toothpicks, lipsticks, chopsticks and lolly sticks. We imported them all. And more.

    Manufacturing, subdued by high inventories buoyed by our deadly taste for foreign items and high cost of production, suffered a big slump from which it has been struggling to recover. Jobs were lost, especially in the textile sector that employed thousands. Smuggling thrived.

    Successive administrations thought oil, the mainstay of our economy, would be like a Lagos party that won’t ever end. They made no effort at diversifying the economy. No thought about developing its petrochemicals, to lay a foundation for a truly industrial economy. Today, an oil producing country spends some 40% of its forex – forex that it does not have – on importing fuel for its local needs. Besides, corruption became a buffet for which our leaders and many of those in positions of trust developed a voracious appetite, gorging themselves to death. Oil price crashed from an all-time high $147.27 a barrel in July 2012 to $100 in 2014. It is now struggling at about $50 a barrel.

    Nigeria could not at a point meet its quota as a new militant group, the Niger Delta Avengers(NDA) smashed oil facilities and threatened to cripple the economy if its requests were not granted.

    Now we are reenacting our age-old tradition of seeking scapegoats for every self-inflicted ailment, blaming it all on Emefiele. Wrong. Damn wrong. We are all guilty.

    The organisers of that protest obviously thought their push would move the government into giving Emefiele the push. That would have been rash and harsh. No government will surrender to mob mentality, closing its eyes on the international community which will lash us for being inconsistent. Besides, all the economic indicators will change for the worse and the recession into which we have plunged ourselves will get longer.

    It can’t be worse than this, I can hear you say. It is true that these times test the patience of all patriots. In fact, I don’t share the view of some experts who say the recession will not last too long. It is not a 100 metres Boltean dash for speedsters. It is, indeed, a game of endurance. A marathon? Well, too early to say.

    We should examine ourselves and think of the economy’s future and not the future of its handlers, including Emefiele, by personalising a national emergency.  Experts claim that the sure way of exiting a recession is deploying aggressive fiscal and monetary policies, including massive spending.

    Its efficacy has been proven in the American case that became a major headache in 2009. New credit lines were opened, interest rates lowered and bank debts guaranteed, among other measures. Banks were subjected to stress tests and new funds were injected into the weak ones. The government embarked on a string of stimulus measures, spending close to $1trillion.

    Housing and automobile industries were rescued. Today, American vehicles are some of the best on any road. Mortgage rates went down to save housing. There were no street protests to force out Federal Reserve chair Ben Shalom Bernanke, who President Barack Obama referred to as “the epitome of calm”.

    Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun says over N400b has been spent on capital expenditure as at August. About N60b more will be spent, she says. These, it seems, is a drop in the ocean. The thinking is that if the government pumps money into capital projects, more companies, especially in construction, will reabsorb their sacked workers who will have money to spend.

    Simple? Not quite. The government is hampered by the twin problem of revenue generation and due process, which precludes it from spending money without following some rules – to check corruption, among other reasons.

    An attempt by the President to seek an emergency law, which will enable the government to fast track its actions, has been denounced as a journey to dictatorship by critics who won’t bother about the merits of the request.

    The government is, sadly, the biggest player in the economy. If it fails to spend money, the citizens will have no money in their pockets. Many states can’t pay their workers. Local debts remain a mountainous burden. Capital projects are stuck.

    Many have blamed the high interest rates on Emefiele. I disagree. The CBN governor does not control interest rates. That is the job of the Monetary Policy Committee (MPC). If the banks were as patriotic as they should be, they wouldn’t jack up their interest rates too far above the Minimum Rediscount Rate (14% MRR) even as repayment rate is poor.

    These times have, indeed, demystified our banks. They used to declare incredible profits, their directors-and workers living like Hollywood stars. Not anymore. The Single Treasury Account (TSA) has stripped their vaults of government funds. Now, they funnel the forex that should have gone into importing key materials to the black market to harvest naira. The CBN recently punished 10 of them. Are they repentant?

    So far, the CBN has ensured that no bank has collapsed. Depositors have developed a high level of confidence in the system. It is left for the banks to show that they can still perform their traditional roles and that they are no trading posts for currency speculators and gamblers. Of what benefit are huge profits when factories are closing down? Even the banks are being restrained from embarking on massive layoffs.

    Amid the hunger pangs, Nigerians have found a strange sense of morbid humour. Consider this “recession joke” sent to me by a friend: “A carpenter was travelling to the next town with a coffin in his car. His car broke down. He decided to carry the coffin on his head. He got to a police check-point. The policemen wanted some roja.

    “Police: Hey, young man, why are you carrying a coffin by this time?

    “Carpenter: Sir, I don’t like where I was buried, so I’m relocating.

    “Come and see speed.

    “Carpenter (laughing): Fools. All you know is bribe.”

    Despite the shenanigans of politicians who, instead of tackling budget deficit and controlling their greed, are asking the Central Bank to surrender its independence, Emefiele has remained calm. The trouble is not with him. We are all guilty- cut-throat round tripping bankers who charge killer-interest rates that make repayment impossible, the rich and their champagne life and the ordinary folks to whom local goods, including rice, are inferior.

    We should all support the tortuous battle to diversify the economy. After all, an expert, Ha-Joon Chang, once said the economics is too important to be left to economists. Little wonder Israeli-American Daniel Khaneman was awarded the Nobel in economics without taking a course in the science.

    A state is set to ban the consumption of imported rice. Extremist? Well…that is neither here nor there. We need to start from somewhere. Will other states do something? After all, dollar don cost.

  • An Amicus curie steps in

    An Amicus curie steps in

    It was a routine visit. A weekly drive to the barber to smoothen the edges of my receding hair, deal with some stubborn white strands forcing their way out of my scalp and catch up on the local gossip.

    I had expected that the Super Eagles victory over Zambia’s Chipolopolo would be the only topic on the menu. How wrong I was. Damn wrong. It was barely mentioned by the small crowd of customers and loafers watching two men slug it out on the draught board. Everyone was eager to discuss the calamity that had just befallen our revered judiciary.

    The Directorate of State Services (DSS) launched an “Entebbe Airport”  night raid on the homes of some judges whom it accused of corruption.

    A fairly old man in what obviously used to be a white T-shirt that has turned brown started it all. When a young man tried to fault his arguments, he sprang onto his feet, adjusted his thick glasses and reminded the audience of his credentials. “I am a certified barrister at law, notary public and member of the Inner Bar, Campos Square and Dandy’s Inn at Agidingbi.”

    “Why did they choose to storm the judges’ homes in the dead of the night when decent people were sleeping? Why not in broad daylight? These are no common thieves or some kidnapping kingpins. Haba!,” the young fellow bellowed.

    “Look, young man, don’t  be emotional over this simple matter. That was the best time to go there. We are all at our most vulnerable in the night. Relaxed. It is the best time to launch a sting operation. It was not a courtesy visit at all; pure business. The question to ask is whether the DSS boys acted lawfully or not.”

    “Yes. Some lawyers say their action is backed by the law. They keep on quoting the Criminal Justice Act and some other legal gymnastics. But my point, sir, is that it is not enough to say that the law backed them; we should consider the spirit of the law, not the letter.”

    “You see, this is the problem I have with you young men and other legalistic wannabes. (As if reminded of something, he suddenly dips his hand into his pocket and whips out a small sachet of a popular strong drink, tears the cover, raises his head and turns some into his mouth. He rinses his mouth, shakes his head violently as the effect of the drink sinks in. Huum! Huum! He clears his throat.”

    “Pardon my short break. You see. You have to be in the spirit before you can talk about the spirit of the law. You don’t have to be spiritual or be in high spirits or be a spirit. That is a different terrain. In this instance, the letter is enough. If they had found nothing in my Lordships’ homes, the attacks against the DSS would have been justified. But they found so much. I almost fainted.

    “Even at night, was there no attempt to clear the evidence? Didn’t a governor storm the scene to prevent a judge’s arrest? What is his problem? Why was he not sleeping? Who called him? Does his immunity cover obstruction of justice? You see, this matter is deeper than your young eyes can see. It remains inconclusive –  my apology to those who seem to have personalised that word..

    “It is true that, as we say in law, Domus sua cuique est tutissimum refugium; that is to say, ‘To every man his own house is the safest refuge.’ But there are exceptions where law enforcement agencies can break in to do their job.”

    “Sir, what if the judges deny that the cash allegedly found in their homes wasn’t theirs?”

    “Heh heh! I don’t want to laugh today. This is a sad day for me as a senior member of the Inner Bar, the innermost of the inners-if you ever understand what I mean. Why don’t we credit our security men with some intelligence, no matter how little? Their Lordships signed that the money in various currencies was found in their homes. Why will a judge have such cash at home? Are they planning to set up  bureaux de change? Or microfinance banks? Thrift collectors? Please, give me a break.”

    “I understand that only the National Judicial Council (NJC) has the power to punish judges and it has not shirked this responsibility. So, why this gragra drama?”

    “Yes. Correct. But what we are saying is that the NJC is more or less a moral policeman. We are talking of criminal matters. If, for instance, a judge commits murder, do we say he or she should not be tried like any other person? The DSS said it reported some judges to the NJC but the council, in its wisdom, either gave them a slap on the wrist by retiring them or just asked them to go and sin no more.

    “The NJC may have applied the principle of cum confitente sponte , mitias est agendum; that is to say ‘he who willingly confesses should be dealt with more leniently’.  But the problem is, a government that swore to fight corruption, believing that winning the battle will take away all our problems, will not listen to this. That is the problem.

    “Judges are like gods. They are higher than us ordinary mortals; that is why they are our lords and we bow before them. The moment they descend from that Olympian height to commit crimes like other men and women, it is only logical that they should face the law. The only insurance premium a judge pays against investigation and prosecution is his integrity, which he wears like a bold banner. The moment he or she misbehaves, he loses his cover. His account hits red in the bank of credibility.”

    “But, sir, the Nigerian Bar Association (NBA) has condemned the action of the DSS. It has even called for a state of emergency in the justice sector and…”

    “Ah! Nooo. Don’t go that way. (The old fellow cuts in angrily, frowning).NBA; who is so called? Where was NBA when that fellow – he’s also being addressed as ‘excellency’ now – led a band of thugs to storm a court where they grabbed a judge and tore his robe? Court documents were shredded. Wasn’t NBA snoring?

    “Where was NBA when another fellow sought and actually obtained a perpetual injunction stopping the police from investigating him.That was a landmark contribution of ours to global jurisprudence. Where was NBA when a court fined a former governor who turned over the state’s treasury to his family  chicken feed which he produced from the back pocket of his trousers and walked away to enjoy his loot?

    “Where was NBA when Justice Ayo Salami was stripped of his rights and dignity for being firm and upright? Wasn’t that enough a reason to declare a state of emergency?

    “Where was NBA when Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) chiefs were obtaining injunctions from courts of corresponding jurisdiction as if they were mere flyers for some Lagos musical shows? NBA my foot!”

    “My worry, sir is that once we condone this assault on judges’ human rights and dignity, there will be no end to it. A dictatorship would have come upon us and the freedoms that we fought so hard for eroded just like that.”

    “Rights? Yes. You have a right to be worried, but nobody, including judges, has a right to obstruct the fight against corruption. It is a desperate situation that desires a desperate solution. If foreigners begin to think that our courts are like a bazaar where the highest bidder goes home with justice, we’re finished. Who will invest here when they know the courts can’t adjudicate fairly in case of a dispute.

    “Let me tell you. No rights are absolute o. Your rights stop when in exercising it you, by your actions or inactions or both, trample on other people’s rights. That is my stand. Anyway, who says Milords cannot go to court to enforce their rights if they feel aggrieved.”

    “In fact, that leads us to another aspect of this saga. As we say in law, audi alteram partem, hear the other side. Do not condemn a man unheard. Milords will do well to sue so that we can hear their side of this story.”

    “Sir, when did our judiciary, which I understand used to be one of the world’s best, contract this debilitating disease from which it has been unable to cure itself?”

    “Big question. The society of which the courts are a part degenerated as people, businessman, politicians and ordinary litigants became desperate to get justice even when they were undeserving of it. Judges are human, after all.

    “No. It has not always been like this. We had our legal legends. Chukwudifu Oputa. Kayode Eso. Akinola Aguda. J.I.C Taylor. Louis Mbanefo. Andrews Obaseki. Adolphus Karibi-Whyte. Mohammed Bello. And many others. All of exciting memory. Even now, there are still many upright judges who won’t soil their robe.”

  • The Nigerian Dream

    The Nigerian Dream

    IT has all the ingredients of a damn good movie. A box office hit. Suspense, cash, power and passion as well as incredibly salacious details.

    But, no thanks to the vicissitudes of these recessionary times, the story and the little debate it inspired have been elbowed to the background by other contending issues – budget padding, Boko Haram and its contentious videos, assets sales debate, Niger Delta bombings and Internally Displaced Persons (IDPs) as well as the biting hunger in the land.

    Now it is being mentioned in whispers – in newsrooms, staffrooms and restrooms – as if it is some blasphemous stuff that could attract a mob action.

    Apologies, dear reader, for the rather long and circuitous preamble. This is not about some innocuous matter, which may have slipped through your memory. No. Nor is  about the muffler – that new addition to the dress code at the House of Representatives. The green scarf made its debut on Monday when Hon. Abdulmumin  Jibrin was asked to face a committee for bringing the House into disrepute by alleging (with facts and figures) that Speaker Yakubu Dogara and others loaded – sorry, a wrong word there – padded the 2016 budget with extraneous estimates from which they planned to reap bountifully. Many lawmakers, giggling like kids visiting a zoo for the first time, garlanded their stocky necks with the scarf to show that they stood with Dogara in this test of integrity. And yesterday, Jibrin was suspended for 180 legislative days. Honourables.

    Again, my apologies. Now to the matter(s) at hand, which as I had earlier said you should be familiar with, despite all attempts by other matters to crowd it out of the front page. Former First Lady Patience Faka Jonathan  is claiming to own about $15.5m found in the accounts of four companies, which have pleaded guilty to money laundering charges.

    The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) is yet to question Dame Patience. Some have argued that the former First Lady shouldn’t have owned up to the ownership of the cash, which she said her husband’s former Special Adviser on Domestic Affairs, Waripamo Dudafa, put in those accounts against her wish. Others, led by Ijaw youths maintain that it is not out of place for the former First Lady to own such a little fortune.

    We were told that Her Excellency acquired the cash through gifts from some cheerful givers, who obviously knew how dull and drab the Office of the First Lady could be without cash to run its all-important projects. Before we could digest that, we learnt that it all came from her late mother’s estate, which the old woman wisely bequeathed to her loving daughter.

    Some bystanders, who obviously knew nothing about how sensitive investigations of this nature are carried out, pounced on the poor woman. Gifts?  I hear you o. From where? Why didn’t she open the accounts in her own name? If she was too busy to ensure that the accounts bore her name, why was she unable to order Dudafa to fetch the documents for her to do the needful? Those, I need to stress, were her sympathisers.

    Others, latching onto her humble background, were asking: “was she not a mere pepper soup joint proprietress? Was she not the ice cream vendor? She must explain how she made the money.”

    An old friend of mine smiled as he announced that indeed “an ice cream vendor” could become a millionaire in whatever currency. Why? The Nigerian Dream, of course, he said with a mischievous chuckle.

    Before one could intervene to stop what looked like a parody of the “American Dream”, the concept that anybody can attain any height he wants, irrespective of colour or race or background, the lanky fellow, a don whose hair could do with a visit to the barber’s shop, went on to list some other compatriots who, according to him, have found and are, indeed, living the “Nigerian Dream”.

    Yahaya Bello pursued his ambition  to be governor of Kogi State like a star athlete preparing for the Olympics. He put in everything he had, but the ticket of the All Progressives Congress (APC) eluded him. Gripped by anger, fuelled by a consuming ambition, he dumped the APC. Bello joined the corner of the party’s vicious opponents as soon as the battle was joined.

    Former Governor Abubakar Audu looked good to carry the day in the November 2015 election. He was leading the poll. Victory songs were already being composed. Then, suddenly, fate supervened. He fell ill and died. Suddenly. Naturally and logically and legally- many insist – his running mate James Faleke was expected to step in, but APC National Chairman John Odigie-Oyegun (the same Oyegun of those NADECO days?  Lord have mercy) had another plan.  Bello was from nowhere vaulted on to the podium to take the party’s ticket in an election for which he never campaigned. The race had been run. He was brought in to collect the trophy. Today, His Excellency Yahaya Bello is the governor, after the Supreme Court affirmed his election.

    To what do sociologists ascribe this strange phenomenon? The Nigerian Dream, of course.

    There is also another fellow whose bizarrre story is well known. He announced his arrival on the political scene by fetching water for the residents of a state capital. He had no political capital whatsoever. He was goaded on by his wife’s dream that he was destined for the Government House. The elite scorned him. He was derided and reviled as a joker and an illiterate who had no certificate to show for his assertion that he got some education.

    Some said he was a motor spare parts vendor and bus conductor who graduated into running his own bus (danfo), ferrying students from a polytechnic’s lecture rooms to the hostel.

    In no time, the then ruling Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), defying a huge opposition, gave him its ticket to run. Today, our man is a two-time governor, who is threatening to run for vice president in the next general election. Always brusque, he excoriates the first family at will, speaking like a possessed Bar Beach charlatan of a prophet.

    No prize for guessing right who this poster boy of the Nigerian Dream is, dear reader.

    Another fellow who had no record of any legitimate undertaking, whose only means of livelihood was violence in the creeks of the Niger Delta where he acquired the title of “General” has also found the Nigerian Dream.

    He was hunted like some game by the authorities, who accused him of heading a group that blew up pipelines to sabotage the oil industry – the mainstay of Nigeria’s economy. From the creeks, he issued threats and carried them out with military precision.

    The government was disturbed and confused. Some said it should come down heavily on the militants; others preached peace, saying Nigeria must not be seen to be fighting Nigerians. Reason prevailed. The amnesty programme of the Umaru Yar’Adua administration was born. An army of boys from the creeks were handed cash monthly like some dutiful workers after being persuaded to surrender their arms. Some were sent to school overseas. Their former commanders became big time contractors and power brokers in the Dr Goodluck Jonathan administration that succeeded the late Yar’Adua’s.

    Now, one of those prominent “Generals” flies his own jets. He roams the waters in his own luxury yachts, living like a Hollywood star. Needless to say, the chief rides posh cars that move in convoys. A true VIP. The other day he was declared wanted for shunning the EFCC. He was later seen at a ceremony, decked out in his chieftaincy regalia – big beads playing around his neck- and guarded by the very police mandated to seize him. Ah!

    Fairy tale? No. It is the Nigerian Dream.

    Soon, the season of awards will be here. Bankers will, as usual, top the list of distinguished professionals who will be decorated with all manner of awards. Banker of the Year. Most Innovative Banker of the Year. Women Friendly Bank of the Year. Agric Friendly Bank of the Year. And more.

    The fellows to be honoured will turn out in the best from Oxford Street. All smiles. Not even the recent Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) revelation that they had been dealing the naira deadly blows by their round tripping game will change anything. Factories are closing abruptly. They are starved of forex to get raw materials and banks are charging incredible rates for loans.

    Despite all these, our bankers will be celebrated as they continue to enjoy the Nigerian Dream.

    So much for a bad dream.

     

  • How you dey?

    How you dey?

    IT is a common Nigerian locution, rendered as a matter of routine and not because of its semantic depth. An adaptation of the English phrase, “how’re you?” it used to attract a warm reply, such as “I’m good”, “I’m fine” and “cool”.

    Not anymore. Ask a Nigerian in the typical street lingo popularly described as pidgin English, “how you dey?” He will reply you in a low voice that carries a tinge of disenchantment: “I just dey.”

    There is so much despondency in the land. Many are hungry and ill. The economy is stricken by a debilitating disease that seems to have suffered a bad diagnosis in the hands of some amateur doctors. They seem to be applying the wrong medicine. There are job cuts and investor lethargy. Factories are being shut. The naira has become a problem child, an ogbanje, the troublesome child that keeps dying and coming back.

    Our compatriots who groan about not seeing the change promised by the Muhammadu Buhari administration may be right after all. They may. That is neither here nor there. Little wonder it is the biggest debate in town.

    How objective are we if we say there is no change, especially if we look at it all in terms of bread and butter?  Consider the economy. Some have said that President Buhari has no economic team. Fine. But what Buhari lacks in such a team – if it is true he does not have one – he has made up for in his sincerity, which is a key element in human affairs and leadership. The government has cried out that the economy has been driven into a recession – Nigeria’s first since the downturn of 1986 when the Structural Adjustment Programme (SAP) was introduced.

    In those days of the ravenous locusts, the team of experts who were so dexterous in the art of deception and obfuscation, in deformation as information would never have agreed let alone tell us that we are, indeed, in turbulent times. The truth is we are – just a few months after the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) and its rainmakers and witchdoctors masquerading as experts announced gleefully after juggling some esoteric figures that ours is Africa’s biggest economy. We clapped for Rebasing (Does anybody still remember what it was all about?).

    Were they to be in charge now, they would have found another formula to bamboozle us that all is well. They would have embarked on all those money guzzling programmes that lacked depth and creativity. SURE-P, You Win I Win and such scatterbrain ideas that sounded like some casino stuff.

    Finance Minister Kemi Adeosun has come out boldly to break the sad news, even as she says it will not last long and  that measures are being planned to make us survive the pains. President Buhari says it will soon be over, praising our resilience. Let’s be a bit generous; isn’t this change?

    Amid the recession, its pains and pangs, the fecundity of the Nigerian mind has been at play. It is as if the bard himself had us in mind when he penned those evergreen lines, “sweet are the uses of adversity”. There seems to be nothing our compatriots will not joke with. Consider this sent to me by a friend: “The National Association of Housewives has written a letter congratulating the Federal Government on the economic recession.

    “According to the association, husbands now return home in the evening, straight from the office as they no longer have money to visit nkwobi and isi-ewu joints, staying there till late in the night.

    “Also, the association said they are having a good laugh at the expense of their husbands’ side-chicks who have been abandoned. Their husbands no longer have enough money to spend at home let alone on side-chicks. Many husbands have opted to be faithful to their wives. Who says there is nothing good about this recession?”

    The other day when the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) postponed the Edo State governorship election following security advice, a big row broke out. Some said it was proper for the security agencies to have alerted the nation to the threats they saw. No fewer than 54 suspected militants, allegedly bearing arms, have been arrested. Others insist that the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC), scared of defeat, corralled the security agencies to issue a scary report of the situation.

    We really can’t say what went wrong, but the security chiefs seem to have justified their advice, with the arrest of this army of suspects.

    In the days of the PDP, there would have been no need to postpone the election. The voters list would have been tampered with. The  opponents’ leaders would have run out of town on the eve of the election. A prominent businessman whose forte is actually touting and thuggery, would have unleashed an army of fake soldiers on the state to emasculate the opposition whose agents would have been driven away from their beats. Results would have been written in party chiefs’ bedrooms. The opponents would have been dared to go to court.

    Didn’t we learn of how General Aliyu Momoh was being inveigled by former Minister of State Musiliu Obanikoro (now a graduate of history in the United States) to enforce the PDP’s evil devices during the 2014 Ekiti governorship election? What of the flood of blood that paved the road to the Rivers State Government House after former First Lady Patience Jonathan issued a decree that the opposition should be bloodied and bludgeoned?

    Days before the election, PDP supporters would have been singing:

    Bee dibo a ti wole

    Bee tie dibo a ti wole

    If you vote we have won

    Even if you don’t vote

    We have won

    The ruling party’s candidate, smiling like an excited bride on her wedding day, would have been used to being called “Your Excellency” several months before the election. Why not? The PDP ticket was as sure as death; having it was as good as winning an election that was yet to be contested.

    Not anymore. Change.

    If there was no change, would it have been possible for a former Air Force chief to be arraigned like a common Lagos pickpocket for alleged corruption? How about politicians confessing to sharing the cash that would have gone into the purchase of arms to fight Boko Haram? Wouldn’t they have shopped for and obtained at whatever price a perpetual injunction from being questioned?

    A former First Lady kept in her handbag many credit cards worth millions of dollars as if she was on a trip to purchase another  country. Not anymore.

    When Facebook co-founder Mark Zuckerberg visited Abuja, there was no noise, a colleague observed the other day. In the days of the PDP, he noted, there would have been a big street party organised by a  Local Organising Committee (LOC), formed by a ministerial committee following instructions from a presidential committee. Another committee would have organised groups of traders and youths wearing a uniform dress to receive the visitor. The Atilogwu dancers would have been deployed in the airport days before his arrival.

    Billboards would have sprouted like mushrooms all over Abuja and Lagos proclaiming the visit as part of (what else?) the Transformation Agenda. The billboards would have carried photographs of eminent men, including Mandela (of blessed memory), President Obama, Gandhi, Zuckerberg and, of course, our dear President, his face wreathed in smiles.

    There would have been rallies and rallies. There would have been dinners at which choice wines, the best from France, would be served and the visitor, beaming after he would have been conferred with chieftaincy titles, such as Eze ndi Omenka orezeuzu, Omowale and Tafidan Konduga. He will, of course, be decked in any of those flamboyant dresses of ours.

    Besides a chieftaincy title, he would have got a damsel as a gift or a sturdy horse–all in the true spirit of our renowned hospitality. The National Bureau of Statistics and those experts, aforementioned, would have hammered out some figures to show that Nigerians are the indisputable champions in terms of number of  Facebook users.

    Nor will that be all. After the visit, there would have been “thank you all” advertorials in local and international newspapers for the successful hosting of the visitor. Not anymore. Change.

    The government says it is tackling the recession. The Council of State has approved its approach to the battle, but we ordinary mortals are not privileged to know what the government is doing so as to be sure that indeed “all this too shall pass”. We just hope the government will pull through before our sense of humour gets blunt. Meanwhile, I doff my hat to the average Nigerian who is going through it all with remarkable stoicism. May it not last too long. Amen.

  • The police chief’s dilemma

    The police chief’s dilemma

    DO Nigerians still hold the contentious title of the world’s happiest people?

    I am not sure now, just as I wasn’t a few years ago when some researchers, apparently aware of our rare passion for vacuous recognitions, garlanded us with that disputable honour. It is, however, sure that we are a fastidious lot. We are hard to please as we find fault in any venture, no matter the nobility of its intentions and the dexterity of its delivery.

    If you doubt this assertion, ask police chief Ibrahim Kpotun Idris. Shortly after he was named the acting Inspector- General in June, Idris moved fast to consolidate his grip on the seat.

    Not a man of great eloquence, the police chief is no doubt a man of action. In his first major press conference, the former traffic officer accused his predecessor, Solomon Arase, of going away with a fleet of 24 vehicles, among them two exotic BMW 7 Series, one of which is   bullet proof. Idris lamented that he was left with an old car.

    Arase defended his integrity, saying he never went away with 24 cars as alleged by his successor. “What am I going to do with 24 cars? Do I want to open a car shop?” Arase asked angrily. He described the allegation as malicious and advised his successor to face the security situation in the land “rather than engage in media propaganda”.

    Poor Idris. He cut a pitiful picture of a guard hurled on harm’s way after his arms had been stolen while he was asleep. Not one to be easily deterred from pursuing any cause he considers noble and elevating, he refused to allow such a matter of national importance go away like a village market row between two overfed women. He raised a Special Investigation Panel (SIP) to probe the number of cars the police had bought in the last three years and who got them.

    So bad was the situation that Idris took his plight to the court of public opinion. He said: “The last time I followed the President with it he was asking me, ‘what are you doing with this old car’ because if you see the headlight, the thing has changed colour, which means they parked it and rains and everything had fallen on it, but the new ones that were bought, he (Arase) went with all of them; they are part of the 24.”

    Unknown to the IG, he had stirred up a hornet’s nest. Instead of sympathising with him and displaying the deep empathy such a grave situation deserves, those inconsiderate and implacable fellows who will never see anything good in any public official descended on him. What does he need a big car for? Does he need a BMW to pursue criminals? Should that be his first headache? What will he do if Arase decides not to surrender the cars? Was he appointed to ride cars?

    They were unsparing and scurrilous in their upbraiding of the police chief. It was as if he had committed murder, one of those despicable crimes he was hired to fight. Trust Idris, who had spent 17 years in the elite Mobile Force, the one referred to dreadfully as “Kill and go” on account of its extrajudicial actions. He took it all on the chin.

    But then he had become a marked police chief. Every step he took became a subject of unbridled attacks by those fellows, the armchair critics who hide under various shadowy nomenclatures, such as public affairs analyst, public commentator, security expert and other funny titles.

    Apparently reacting to the outcry over extrajudicial killings, Idris threatened to order psychiatric tests for his men. The rumour mongers, who never weighed the merit of the Acting IG’s logic – that no sane policeman will fire at innocent citizens – descended on him.

    They screamed: Is that the problem? When will this man get serious and know that policing is serious business and not a plate of salad washed down with a bottle of French wine? Will he lead the way? Shouldn’t such tests have been administered at the point of entry? Who will pay for the tests?

    Even some of those to be tested were said to have been deriding the idea, whispering: na test we go chop?

    Obviously mindful of being seen as impassive to reason, Idris is yet to carry out his threat – despite the risk of being scorned by an ever fickle public as a weak police chief who lacks the courage to implement his plans.

    Not done with hurling invectives at the IG, those unrepentant traducers of all patriotic public servants started to blame him for the negligible few policemen who guard civilians, especially our prized politicians and businessmen who, according to the critics, have turned the officers to errand boys. They claim that policemen still carry handbags for the wives and concubines of the rich and powerful. Is that true? Even if it is, how many do?

    Besides, they insist, as usual without  any iron-clad proof, that checkpoints remain with us despite the fact that they had been banned a long time ago. Haba. Let us be fair. Did Idris order the return of checkpoints? Why should he carry the can for that? Can any police chief be so ubiquitous as to see everything going on the land?

    Of all the allegations against the police chief, none has been as vociferous as those concerning the fellow who named his dog Buhari. The story is a familiar one. A trader, Joachim Iroko (no relation of the one who governs Ondo) Chinakwe, 40, named his dog Buhari, inscribed the name on the animal and walked it in an area with a large concentration of people of an ethnic group. The police grabbed him and threw him into detention.

    He had barely spent three days when a huge outcry broke out from the human rights community and ordinary Nigerians whose business is to mind other people’s business. The police would not be distracted  by the hullaballoo. They did a thorough investigation of this all-important and delicate case.

    They charged Citizen  Chinakwe with conduct likely to cause a breach of peace. For ease of reference, the charge: “That you, Joachim Iroko, aka Joe, and others still at large,on Saturday August 13, 2016, at about 5.30pm at the Ketere area, Sango in the Ota Magisterial District did conduct yourselves in a manner likely to cause breach of the peace, by writing a name, Buhari, on a dog and parading same in the Hausa section of Ketere Market, Sango, thereby committing an offence contrary to and punishable under Section 249 (d) of the Criminal Law of Ogun State, Nigeria, 2016.”

    Chief Magistrate B.J. Ojikutu admitted Chinakwe to bail in the sum of N50,000, which took his humble family a tortuous while to raise.

    Instead of praising the unusually speedy investigation of this seditious matter, the so-called critics jumped onto the train of the huge group of emergency animal rights activists that had sprouted like wild mushrooms in the wake of the matter. They lashed onto it to pound our Acting IG and his men. Besides, they tried to surreptitiously drag President Muhammadu Buhari into the fray by claiming that his was the Buhari inscribed on Chinakwe’s dog. Whatever happened to the respect we accord our leaders and their offices.

    Where are Chinakwe’s accomplices? Isn’t naming a pet an inalienable right of its owner? Are there limits to where a dog or any pet can be paraded? Where is the dog, the star exhibit in this case?

    Another police chief would have ordered Chinakwe flown to Abuja, hustled on by an army of  armed guards to prevent his accomplices – they are still at large, you know – from storming the airport to free him. In Abuja, he would have been bundled before a judge of controversial standing who would have banged his head with impossible bail terms, including a surety who must be a director at the Presidency and who must own property in Asokoro. The court, needless to say, would have sat under the tightest security our police chiefs could muster– mounted guards, Bomb Disposal Unit, Marine Police, Dog  Unit and all.

    Not Idris’ humane police. Chinakwe was simply brought before a discretionary  magistrate who gave him bail on liberal terms. The treasonable tension and canine conducts generated by the big dog issue died almost immediately. But, no thanks to the much discredited analysts, the police have got no kudos.

    Why are our people so difficult to please?