Category: Gbenga Omotoso

If a test of service integrity is conducted among our leading politicians, many will pass in flying colours – if the examiners are objective. I talk of a test that is complete in all ramifications, not the controversial Unified Tertiary Matriculation Examination (UTME) in which candidates who never stepped into the examination hall hauled in huge marks and many who sweated it out before erratic computers were awarded various marks at various times for one examination, a situation that has now resulted in violent street protests. No.

Long before those fellows who hide under the deceitful nomenclature of  “public affairs analyst” or “social critic” to deride and scorn them as parasites and  buffoons thought of the essence of “service”, our politicians had been doing their beat. To them, service is not just a matter of building roads, hospitals and schools. There must also be what has been well celebrated in Ekiti State as “stomach infrastructure”, the unique policy in which governance is seen as a tool in catering for the people’s culinary cravings, which eventually leads to vote harvesting at the ballot. I am told that so successful is the policy that every Ekiti resident now sports a pot belly and chubby cheeks, which were hitherto the exclusive preserve of the rich and members of their families. Needless to say, Governor Ayodele Fayose remains a die-hard apostle of this policy.

Politicians know also that the people must be thrilled from time to time. It is, after all, not for nothing that we –against all odds – have been ranked among the world’s happiest people. But, as I said, our politicians are abused and denounced as corrupt and lazy. That is all they get for their physical and mental exertions to make Nigeria the paradise we all dream of.

Those idlers, the critics of whom I had spoken, instead of encouraging the people to be grateful to those who have elected to serve us, actually rally them to probe into their meagre earnings, forgetting that some of these politicians quit their flourishing businesses to serve, following the massive demand by their electorate.

Consider the case of the distinguished Senator Dino Melaye, who represents the good people of Kogi West. The other day on the floor of the hallowed chamber, he expounded a powerful theory that only years of research by social science giants working under the best of conditions could have produced. He said he had discovered that to save the naira, the symbol of our economy, we should not just embrace local goods and services, we should marry “made in Nigeria” women.

The innuendo was electrifying in its effect. He was accused of disdaining the respected Edo State Comrade Governor Adams Oshiomhole whose charming wife Iara is from Cape Verde.

Melaye became a punching bag, so much so that he, at the end of it all, was like a Sport Utility Vehicle (SUV) that crashed on the highway after a burst tyre. He was pilloried as irresponsible, an attribute they ascribed to what they described as his inability to maintain a “decent matrimonial home” and seeing women as mere goods to be purchased off the shelves and shipped home. Women activists were enraged.

The senator became a subject of scurrilous attacks. Peter Okhiria, the governor’s spokesman, literally eviscerated the senator. He said: “The liberty of free speech guaranteed in the hallowed chambers does not impose lunacy on anyone to disparage other Nigerians. He is a man known for his vainglorious rodomontade and the childish display of his ostentatious lifestyle, which complement his love for foreign items.”

Okhiria called Melaye “a court jester” who is “tactless”. “We advise that Melaye should mend his ways with his ex-wife and concubines,” he admonished  the senator. As of the time of writing this, it was unclear if the senator had taken this advice, but there has been a rehash of the stories of his crashed marriage, his row with an actress who held him responsible for her pregnancy and his vulgar display of  his exotic cars on Facebook.

     Punch-drunk and subdued, Melaye simply asked his traducers to be patient. “When I’m ready, una go see my made in Nigeria wife,” he said.

Another patriotic senator also got into trouble for propounding a theory he had thought should earn him accolades. Senate Leader Ali Ndume (Borno State), contributing to a motion presented by Senator Oluremi Tinubu (Lagos Central), urging the Federal Government to rescue the Chibok girls and guarantee the safety of pupils, especially girls, said men should marry more wives.

“As a sign of respect and love for women, I urge all men, unless their religion prohibits it, to marry more than one wife,” he said with remarkable flourish. His prayer, as serious as it was, was turned down by the Senate even after it had been seconded by another distinguished senator, Sulaiman Nazif (Bauchi State). Binta Garba (Adamawa North) kicked. To her, it was all an attempt by philanderers who see women as “sex objects” to push their views. Needless to say, the chamber was gripped by a strange excitement as the matter took on a salacious garb. On the social media, many recalled how Senator Shehu Sani (Kaduna Central) declared his two wives as part of his assets.

Ndume, you may wish to recall, had earlier defended the Senate’s plan to buy N4.7b cars for their oversight duties, saying the distinguished men and women were “too important” to be conveyed in buses, as suggested by some inconsiderate constituents who do not appreciate the rigours of making laws for the advancement of our complex society – an arduous task that attracts little remuneration and big recriminations.

Outside the chamber, there have also been fireworks ahead of Saturday’s rerun in Rivers State. Governor Nyesom Wike and his arch-enemy, Transportation Minister Chibuike Rotimi Amaechi, have been hurling invectives at each other.

Amaechi has just let us into  a secret; what he says is the worse decision of his life – recommending Wike, his former Chief of Staff and fellow Ikwerre man, for a ministerial appointment. He accuses Wike of corruption and association with cultists and militants who, says the minister, are hibernating in the Government House. Not to be outdone, Wike replied, saying Amaechi ran a dizzyingly corrupt government and that he had been indicted.

Now, Wike has written to the United States, the United Kingdom, China and some other countries, imploring them to ensure that Saturday’s local elections are free and fair.

Some of the other things the duo said in pushing their cases I dare not state here, this being a family newspaper and for decency. But one question remains: who will pay for the numerous lives lost in this state where some families have been wiped out and people burnt alive? Wike insists that the killings are cult-related. Amaechi and his fellow All Progressives Congress (APC) members maintain that they are political.

After a long silence, former Deputy Senate President Ibrahim Mantu has succeeded in grabbing the headlines again. He says he regrets not laying down his life to get former President Olusegun Obasanjo a third term. His excuse is that it would have been in the nation’s greatest interest. “We never envisaged we would be here. Since Obasanjo left, the way this country has been run up to this moment, I weep for Nigeria,” Mantu told Premium Times.

Instead of praising Mantu’s forthrightness, some busybodies have told him to watch his tongue, asking:”Where were you when Obasanjo said he never wanted a third term and that if he had desired it, God would have put it on his laps?”

Dear Senator Mantu, there is no need to weep. Now we know the truth about third term.

Senator Sani has accused Kaduna State Governor Nasir El-Rufai of  “thinking of removing President Muhammadu Buhari”. “It would be counter-productive for the governor to start thinking of evicting Buhari in 2019 . El-Rufai should do his job and stop putting his eyes on the presidency,” Sani told “The Interview” magazine.

Sani accused El-Rufai of ruling like an “emperor”, promising to give him “war or peace, whichever he chooses”. The governor is yet to reply the senator.

It is so easy to get angry nowadays. A bad economy, no doubt, can put everyone on edge and breed a deep bellicosity. But then, we shouldn’t lose our sense of appreciation of  the fact that our politicians are masters when it comes to enlivening a depressed situation.

At the last instalment of this column, I promised that more awards were on the way. So many things would have made that promise a mere promise – armsgate, crashing oil price and the naira’s fate, Lassa and the other fevers as well as insecurity – but “Editorial Notebook” will always be as good as its word.

Some readers have complained that their favourites were left out of the awards. Others have requested that the scope be expanded to include all manner of headings, some of them highly inspiring, others plainly puerile and pedestrian.

The story is told of a flamboyant traditional ruler, who is fond of decking the rich and powerful with titles. Desperate to honour a prominent citizen, he tells his chiefs to suggest a title for the would-be recipient. “Kabiyesi (Your Majesty),” says a chief, “there are no more titles (Oye ti tan)”. The king smiles. “You got it; brilliant; that is the title for our man; Chief Oyetan.”

So, here, dear reader, are the other awards – as promised:

There was no sign that what has now turned out to be one of the most convoluted electoral jigsaws of our time was on the way as the November 21 Kogi State governorship election progressed. The All Progressives Congress (APC) was heading for victory. Suddenly, a natural complication supervened. Abubakar Audu, the APC candidate, died. The Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) declared the election inconclusive and ordered that a supplementary election be held in some polling stations, even as the result could never have altered the fact that the APC’s lead was unassailable.

The Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) – the one that threatened to trouble Nigeria for 60 years before its evil plot was dismantled by an uncommon popular will – said since Audu had died, the trophy was naturally its own. Many legal giants and ardent subscribers to the fine tenets of democracy said Abiodun Faleke, Audu’s running mate, should naturally step into his shoes.

While the debate was on, John Odigie-Oyegun (A fellow asked me the other day: ‘Is this the Oyegun of the NADECO days?’), a chief and chairman of the APC, suddenly muscled his way into the debate and announced a new candidate for the party. Then, a flood of diatribes hit Oyegun. He was harangued like a Lagos pickpocket, tongue lashed for, according to his traducers, lacking in courage and principle, being remote-controlled and a poodle.

A timid chairman, shoved so roughly like a leaf at the mercy of the waves, would have thrown in the towel – in defence of his integrity. Not so Oyegun. He even found time to pontificate about party supremacy and such inanities.

For his courage, Oyegun is Party Chairman of the Year.

Yahaya Bello, who claims to be Faleke’s friend, had left the party in anger after failing to get its ticket. He was said to have worked against the APC during the election, which the party lost in his ward, and was ruminating on his future when he hit the jackpot. Oyegun handed him the ticket for the supplementary election. He jumped for joy and went into the exercise without a running mate – against the Electoral Act. INEC, expectedly, pronounced him winner of the election.

Yahaya is on the way to becoming our first “supplementary governor”, the one who grabbed a ticket long after the election had been won and got pronounced winner. He is, no doubt, the Candidate of the Year.

His feat became the subject of academic postulations and legal permutations in newsrooms, restrooms and staffrooms. Of all the commentators, Hon. Patrick Obahiagbon stood out. He said of Audu’s passing and Yahaya’s victory: “The tragic passing of Prince Abubakar Audu has polarised the nation into political jingoism. Death is a bugaboo and life terminus. May his soul rest in unblemished peace.

“The quagmire and triviality has further obfuscated the scantiness and paraplegic crinkum crankum of our constitution. Our knowledge centura is enveloped in Einstein cubbyhole. The optate of Mr Bello is Godwin’s law and this has adjudicated the social disequilibrium and political phantasmagoria among the indignant of Kogites. It is my emblem pleasure to congratulate the governor-elect. This is saucier to our youths’ agitation for power. I am manically bewildered, overgasted and flabberwhelmed at the causal rejectal dismal of Mr Bello. This should be buried in a Bermuda triangle instantaneously. The modus operandi of the young man is gargantuan and sui-generis.”

Step forward, Hon Obahiagbon, Chief of Staff to the Comrade – Governor of Edo, Adams Oshiomhole. The prize for Informed Commentator of the Year is yours.

Before he was drafted in, former President Goodluck Ebele Azikiwe Jonathan’s campaign was floundering, lacking in strategy and focus. Femi Fani-Kayode (sorry, a slip there; he is now known and addressed as Olukayode in, according to him, recognition of God’s hand in his discharge from money laundering charges) revved the engine and the campaign came alive. President Muhammadu Buhari, the then APC candidate, was said not to have a School Certificate. The military, in an unprecedented foray into partisan politics and its stench, was suborned to declare his documents missing. A fake report on his health was obtained. It was a smear campaign at its most vicious. Goebbels was in town.

Olukayode put the APC on the defensive. Even after it was as clear as crystal that Jonathan had lost the battle, the spokesman went on television to say his man was leading and that any attempt to turn the table would be resisted. Never one to be suppressed, Olukayode, as if stricken by some strange verbal fever, now screams all over the place that he knew nothing of the allegedly diverted $2.1b arms cash.

But, fair is fair. Fani-Kayode (again, my apology; Olukayode) is Spokesman of the Year.

Until recently, it was not really a popular opinion that the Jonathan administration had damaged the economy. There were all manner of scatterbrained programmes that guzzled money like a gaming machine – SURE-P, You Win I win and many others that represented what many called the profligacy of that time. Nigerians grumbled as their stomachs rumbled with hunger. But, the government went into its deep bag of tricks and whipped out another nebulous  programme, which it called “rebasing” , and proclaimed our economy the biggest in Africa even as many went to bed hungry and angry. For the power of her imagination and sheer confidence even in the face of cold facts and figures that showed that the economy was in trouble, Dr Ngozi Okonjo – Iweala (some call her wahala (trouble in Yoruba) should have taken the trophy for Minister of the Year. But will that be fair?

When all the other members of the Jonathan cabinet had jumped ship as it was glaring that the election had been lost, only one man stood sentry. He played the last joker, which somehow failed to work. Elder Godsday Orubebe, a black hat perching on his head, grabbed the microphone, screaming and swearing, in a desperate show of defiance to stop the announcement of the presidential election results. The then INEC chief, Attahiru Jega, was unperturbed. The business of the day went on and Orubebe became the subject of beer parlour jokes.

One of such jokes was that no woman would like to marry Jega because “if you shout at him, he won’t just talk”.

Another: “A new word has been added to the political lexicon, Orubebe. The meaning: To attempt to disrupt a peaceful process. Orubebed (past tense). Orubebeing (present continuous tense). Example : An elder is trying to orubebe the parliament’s plan to pass the Electoral Act, which will criminalise threats to a Returning Officer.”

The police never questioned the former Minister of the Niger Delta for what many saw as a criminal offence. For his rare tenacity in the face of defeat, Orubebe is Minister of the Year.

Joseph Mbu (remember him?) was police commissioner in Rivers State in those turbulent days of the Rotimi Amaechi administration. He banned street protests. Those who dared to protest were hit with rubber bullets and tear gas. When eight lawmakers in a 32-man House attempted to impeach the governor, Mbu’s men were there to give them cover. Mbu was later to say gleefully that he tamed the ‘lion of Rivers’. For his notoriety, he was famous – perhaps more than the Inspector-General.

His critics called him a politician in uniform. He insisted that he was a professional doing his job. Mbu offered a big comical relief amid the pains of those troubled days. He is Policeman of the Year.

Raymond Alegho Dokpesi, founder of  Africa Independent Television (AIT) / Raypower FM is alleged to have collected N2.1b from the Office of the National Security Adviser (ONSA) for unstated reasons. He insists it was for media and publicity. But the authorities are asking: where is the paper on which the contract was signed? But high chief insists that when he brought the proposal to former President Goodluck Jonathan, former Vice President Namadi Sambo (where in the world is he?) was present. Besides, he recently said scornfully that the whole arms cash story was a hoax, which he is eager to prove in court. No doubt, that is the Contract of the Year.

It is perhaps the most expensive item to have come out of any bakery. Despite a N5b input, the stuff remains in the oven. The man behind it all, needless to say, has taken his expertise elsewhere onto a bigger stage. No prize for guessing right – the cassava bread takes the biggest prize in business. It is the Product of the Year.

So long.