The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

  • Sounds of Biafra

    Sounds of Biafra

    WHY the renewed push for Biafra?

    Until Nnamdi Kanu hit the scene with a bang, we all thought the show had ended the way it began – full of drama and action, just like a movie. It used to be the Movement for the Actualisation of the Sovereign State of Biafra (MASSOB) led by the facetious Ralph Uwazurike whose followers were dismissed as flighty youths who saw it all as an exciting pastime.

    Uwazurike would, for months, threaten to “declare Biafra” as if a mere proclamation by an Indian-trained lawyer in one corner of the beautiful landscape of  Igboland would be the open sesame that was needed to make the dream a reality. He and his army of youthful followers would, with great revelry – singing, drumming, drinking and dancing – set a city throbbing and gather in a corner, plant the green-black-red Biafran flag and raise his hands in a black power salute. The youths, driven into a strange freneticism, would hail endlessly. Sometimes the police would come to smash the rally. Other times, they would just ignore the marchers.

    So vexatious was Uwazurike’s antics that the police seized him in 2005 and detained him on treason charges. Besides planting flags in a few places with great fanfare that belied his intentions and the enthusiasm of his supporters, the man also launched what he called the Biafra passport. The only beneficiary of this weird enterprise was, perhaps, the printer who got the contract to print the document. Nobody was confident enough to travel with the passport, which became an ordinary booklet symbolising the delusions of grandeur of its holders.

    In no time, MASSOB was hit by an enervating crisis of leadership. Uwazurike was, ironically, accused of sabotaging the group he had led with much braggadocio  after the police arrested many of its members for celebrating its 16th anniversary. A faction vowed to probe him.

    Director of Information  Uchenna Madu said: “We sympathise with the brainwashed and hypnotised members of Uwazurike’s faction who died and those detained during the celebration of  the 16 years anniversary of MASSOB while their leader was dining with his friends.”  Damning.

    He went on to say Uwazuruike visited Umuahia after the police stormed his home in Okwe, Imo State, to assure them that his MASSOB had no plan to break up Nigeria. Madu said the MASSOB chief then fled to Lagos without telling his supporters that the anniversary celebration had been called off. The police grabbed many of them who attempted to stage the anniversary.

    Uwazurike loves controversy and loves hugging the limelight. He was on song just before the last general elections when he called for former Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) Chair Attahiru Jega’s resignation. His apocalyptic warning was, of course, ignored. The elections went on and, as they say, the rest is history.

    If we thought we had seen the last of such theatricals, we were damn wrong. Enter Kanu of the Independent People of Biafra (IPOB), the brain behind the overseas based Radio Biafra, who is said to have cut his teeth under Uwazuruike. He has been detained even as a case of alleged treasonable felony is being prepared against him.

    Now, many are wondering what this resurgence in pro-Biafra activisim is all about. Didn’t the late Eze Ndigbo Gburugburu Emeka Odumegwu Ojukwu – of fond memories – say that it was all over? Why should a group of youths, many of them yet unborn during the reprehensible Civil War that took so many lives – God forbid another fratricidal venture – begin to sing the song of war? Are the Igbo so marginalised in the configuration of power and influence in this country that some would rather embrace a bloody solution to what seems a mere village square squabble over kolanuts? Isn’t this another conspiracy of the elite against the very people they claim to be fighting for even as it is apparent they are festering their own nests?

    Even kids have been asking what it all entails. Will they now ask our friends and school mates to return home to a new place called Biafra? Are we going to need visas to visit them? How about Igbo men who are married to Yoruba women and Yoruba men who have Igbo wives; where will they stay?

    Will the “chemist” down the road pack it up and return to Aba or Abakaliki? What will happen to the massive spare parts markets in Kaduna, Kano, Lagos and Ibadan as well as other cities? How will customers go to Ariaria and Onitsha markets; by visa? What will happen to the various Eze Ndigbos and their red crowns in Kano, Ibadan, Makurdi and all other places? Their kingdoms another to take?

    A former military chief, an Igbo, is said to have pasted on his facebook page the points he believes the excited agitators may have refused to note. It has the title “Foolish is not Igbo” and states: “For six years, our own occupied the offices of deputy Senate president, deputy speaker, Secretary  to the Government of the Federation (SGF), minister of Finance/coordinating minister for the Economy, ministers of Health, Labour, Aviation, Petroleum (by marriage), Chief of Army Staff and so on, yet nobody complained that the Igbo got too much of the Federal power rations. Neither did your highly placed brethren improve your lot in terms of development.”

    He then went on to say that “while other ethnic groups watched and played their politics towards national relevance, we the Igbo got carried away and played politics of the pocket where semi-illiterate moneybags charted the course for us.” He said those who had access to Aso Rock got fat contracts and lied to “the Igbo, who put all their eggs in one fragile basket that had lost form and shape to protect them”.

    “As the results of those fatal errors set in,” said the gentleman, “the same money-miss-roads are now fanning the embers of seccession as their next meal ticket bargaining chip while the teeming youths they lure with money and lies risk losing everything, including their lives.”

    There you have it.

    A dialogue between Abuja and the pro-Biafra agitators, which will eventually culminate in a general amnesty for the youths in the manner of the former Niger Delta militants’ programme, has been suggested. But there is the postulation that should the government succumb to this subtle pressure, it will get a long list of requests for amnesty by other vociferous and quiet but highly combustible groups.  Oodua Peoples Congress (OPC), which has not hidden its anger over the loss of the seductive pipeline protection contract. Ombatse, which is yet to explain the disappearance of policemen on a peace mission to its area. Arewa Youths. Egbesu Boys. And more. Soon, amnesty will jam amnesty and there will be general amnesia.

    To some of my Igbo friends, the agitation portrays them in a bad light. It is wrong. Damn wrong. The Igbo man has excelled in many fields, including education, medicine, business, sports and many other areas of human advancement. His intelligence, nay  perspicacity, is the subject of  striking wisecracks.

    Consider this, which once appeared on this page: “An Edo man invited his friends to his mother’s burial. After lowering the coffin, the family put yam, rice, meat and other foodstuff in the grave – in line with tradition. A Hausa  man asked why. The Edo man smiled and said: ‘According to tradition, the dead go on a long journey and need all the food items they can get.’ The Hausa man dropped N100,000 inside and said, ‘when the food finishes, buy more.’ The Yoruba man dropped N50,000 and said, ‘Add this, in case that is not enough.’ The Igbo man smiled, brought out his cheque book and wrote a cheque of N200,000, dropped it in the coffin and took the N150,000 notes as change, saying: ‘Nwanne, withdraw it when you reach there o. It is going to be a dangerous journey. We don’t know how many robbers are out there and, after all, we are in a cashless economy. Travel well oooo!’“

    There is enough room for the Igbo talent to find expression and blossom in Nigeria. If there are grievances – aren’t they normal in human relations? – they should be settled within the law. The impetuosity of succession comes with great pains and no gains. We do not need it.

    Igbo kwenu!

    Death and the Prince

    Prince Abubakar Audu, the All Progressives Congress (APC) candidate in last Saturday’s Kogi State governorship election, was set to receive the prize after hauling  in 240,867 votes, leading his closest rival, Governor Idris Wada of the Peoples Democratic Party(PDP) by 41,000 votes.

    All seemed set for his coronation. Then the shock –Audu died. We were all humbled. As usual in such situations, an army of emergency doctors, lawyers, traditionalists and psychologists rose to analyse the calamity. Some said he suffered a stroke; others said a spiritual arrow was fired at him. Yet, others claimed he died of shock.

    The Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) deepened the complexity by announcing that supplementary elections would be held in 91 polling units instead of declaring Audu the winner. Was INEC aware of his death?  The number of registered voters in those units is 49,000. Of these, only 25,000 have voter cards. If all of them vote PDP, that will note be enough to close Audu’s gap. INEC should have given the prize to Audu’s running mate, James Abiodun Faleke. Isn’t that the logical thing to do?

    Audu’s death has thought us some lessons. We do not own our lives. No prize is bigger to be trade for it and we should always be prepared for the biggest prize – eternal life. Besides, we should be mindful of what will be said of us after our departure.

    May Audu’s soul find mercy with the Creator and the lessons of his passing find root in the hearts of all men of power and influence. Farewell, worthy prince.

  • ‘How’s Lagos?’

    ‘How’s Lagos?’

    HOW goes it, comrade? You look tired and confused. What’s the matter?

    “Ol’ boy, ground no level at all. This matter no laugh me at all. In fact, e dey me above. Man tire.”

    “You’re back at your old foxy game, right? Whenever you want to be dramatic and recondite in your attitude, you launch into this kind of esoteric mannerism. You get melancholic. Just tell us what the problem is.”

    “My brother, I was in the traffic for three hours. My leg was shaking as I forced it to stay on the throttle. I was hungry and the car was coughing, jerking.  I had to switch off the air conditioner. The LASTMA boys are sleeping. Governor Ambode needs to wake them up or shake them up.”

    “You see, many people don’t understand the complexity of this simple matter. Lagosians were grumbling that LASTMA was high-handed and brutal in its enforcement of traffic laws. It was either the guys were beating up a recalcitrant driver or they were being punched in the nose. The whole thing, a simple enforcement of traffic rules, was becoming a war. Ambode stepped in to pull the brakes on the violence and ordered that Lagosians must be treated with respect. Decency. Then, as the story goes, the LASTMA guys mounted a kind of passive resistance. They stopped directing traffic and watched, arms akimbo, as impatient motorists barged and rammed  into one another and caused the gridlock that threatened to stifle the city.”

    “But why would they do that? Aren’t they being paid for the work they do?”

    “You’re right o. What I learnt from the rumour mill was that the LASTMA guys – the bad eggs among them o – were lining their pockets as they enforced the rules. So, asking them to be decent was like shutting their oil block. The gridlock was their own way of fighting back.”

    “So, it’s all sabotage?”

    “Well… I no know book o. I think the government is planning a reorganisation of  the agency. The other day, the government said more officers will be hired, perhaps to give those who won’t work the kick. But then, how many of us obey traffic lights? A fellow sent me an illustration the other day of what he called the traffic light and its interpretation in Nigeria and in other countries. ‘The rest of the world: green is go, yellow is go safe and red is stop. In Nigeria: green is go, yellow is go fast and red is check if no police then go.’ Besides, Ambode  has ordered full enforcement of traffic laws, given tank farm owners 90-day ultimatum and warned that the days of impunity are over. ‘Any person who fails to comply with any of the provisions of the law commits an offence and shall be liable on conviction as stipulated in the law,’ the governor said.

    “Okay. But, how do we explain the fact that robbers are getting more daring?”

    “You see, let’s be fair; let’s be objective. It is very easy for us to forget that some of the major robberies you’re talking about – Lekki and others – did not take place during this administration. Lekki was broad daylight. I recall that Black Sunday when robbers  seized the city by the throat, shooting all the way from Oworonsoki to Mile 2 and Agege – unchallenged. Besides, what happened to all those vehicles the security agents were using? Why are the police less proactive? Are the criminals just taking advantage of the transition period between the old and the new administrations? Sabotage?  My brother, we must begin to ask questions o.”

    “I agree. We must ask questions, but I insist this government needs to move faster.”

    “If that is what people like you —and those still bitter that they couldn’t capture Lagos— are saying, you aren’t correct. Look, they said so when Asiwaju became governor. By the time he began to roll out his plans, he had become the toast of the city and went on to win the hearts of millions of our compatriots and the man in the street. Not so? In fact, he drew up a massive development plan and executed many projects, which the Fashola administration built on. Ambode is set to take it further and there is no doubt that he has the intellectual and physical ability to do so.”

    “My brother, our people are not that patient. That is our level.”

    “You’re right. They are right to be in a hurry. But governance is like building a house. After identifying your site, you call in the architect who will do the drawing, the civil engineer, the electrical engineer, the structural engineer and all other experts so that at the end of it all you will have a solid structure that can withstand the test of the elements. Ambode, I understand, has been putting structures in place.”

    “What we hear is that Ambode is not spending money; he’s busy saving cash.”

    “ Hmmm. You see, that is not the problem. The governor can’t spend money that is not appropriated. He will be committing an impeachable offence if he does that. We are told that the administration is doing a reordering of the budget drew up. The House of Assembly is said  to be considering the request.

    “Na wa o! You seem to know more than us about this government matter o. How you take do am?”

    “Me? You see, my aunty’s landlord is a government man, a big politician and he briefs us whenever he returns from their meetings. We get educated about all these rumours.”

    “Oh! I seeee. So, what will Ambode do about this traffic wahala? He is already doing something. LASTMA will get new equipment, including cars, and more hands will be hired. You see, Lagos has been carrying a heavy load. Thousands of people move in everyday, coming to do nothing in particular, just to seek a greener pasture at all cost and – in  many cases– by all means. All amenities are overstretched, besides the security implication of having to keep an eye on more people everyday. The police are not strong enough – in terms of men – to keep the place safe from criminals. The truth of the matter is that Lagos deserves a special status. It is a city of about 20 million people. It contributes about 85 per cent of the Value Added Tax (VAT). It deserves special attention.

    “Are you saying money is the problem? Haba!” And the roads?

    “Not really, my brother. But Lagos can do with more cash. There should be pipe-borne water and street light everywhere. The roads are getting attention, but we must realise that some of those that are giving us hell, such as Oshodi-Apapa, which has been seized by fuel tankers, are federal roads. The others are getting attention. Agege, Ejigbo, CBD, Ikeja and many others. Some pedestrian bridges are being  built and where they exist, people  are being forced to use them. You see, the problem of Lagos is huge; it requires that the government should deploy its all – intellect, a rare agility that is the hallmark of youthfulness, money and experience as well as the wisdom of its leaders. Making contumelious remarks by those who would rather block the solution and become part of the problem won’t do any good.”

      Dokpesi: back from a trance

    RAYMOND Alegho Dokpesi has just woken up from a long trance in which he got a landmark revelation – the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) lost the last presidential election because it fielded Dr Goodluck Jonathan as its candidate.

    First, it was Pa Edwin Kiagbodo Clark who said Jonathan was weak and could not fight corruption. A shocked world screamed hypocrisy, considering the filial affectation between Jonathan and Chief Clark, who called the former President his son.

    Now Dokpesi. Yes, Dokpesi, the shifty politician- businessman, has chosen to ignore the log in his eyes and call attention to the speck in another man’s. I assume that you know that the high chief owns the Africa Independent Television (AIT), which ran those nauseating documentaries on then candidate Muhammadu Buhari and lent itself a handy tool for casting aspersions on some of the leading lights of the All Progressives Congress (APC). Those hate campaigns. Dokpesi’s television station ran without any consideration for decency and ethics, no doubt, contributed to the PDP’s shellacking.

    But human memory is short. Dokpesi has forgotten all that. He, at a press conference on the PDP’s national conference on Tuesday, lay the blame for the party’s fall at Jonathan’s doorstep. I disagree. Did he raise any objection when Jonathan was chosen? Nigerians were simply disappointed and disenchanted by your PDP’s mediocrity and impunity.

    So, dear chief, nobody is interested in those regrets of yours; keep them.

  • Faces and phases of corruption

    Faces and phases of corruption

    WERE it to be a human being, it would have protested violently the terrible fate that has become its lot. It is clearly not by its own design. No. It is all part of the inequality and fairness that have ruled the affairs of man.

    Subjected to scurrilous attacks by many, it bears its scars with unparalleled equanimity, even as more lashes come cracking on its bloodied head. It is scorned, abused and misused.

    But, let’s be fair – are we fair to “corruption”? Must it always carry the can of our greed?

    Whenever the military intervened in governance, the scapegoat was corruption. Every societal ailment is blamed on it. Indiscipline, examination fraud, collapsed infrastructure and many more, our leaders claim, have their roots in corruption and its corollary of bribery and fraud, not forgetting their cousins 419, theft, forgery and others of like connotations.

    The high and mighty talk about it. The poor pour their thoughts on it, ruminating on its effects and how it has kept them on their knees. Our leaders warn us that if we do not block its flourishing path, corruption will someday fight back, landing a devastating blow that will knock the nation off its feet with dreadful consequences. What really is corruption that has seized attention in this amazing manner?

    How many of us know corruption? Don’t we think it is all about people putting their hands in the till, grabbing for themselves and members of their families what should be expended for the benefit of the masses?

    Former President Goodluck Jonathan laboured so hard to let Nigerians know the difference between “corruption” and “stealing”, which they often confused, despite his passionate protestations. He never really succeeded as his administration was painted as corrupt and inept.

    The other day at the ministerial screening, there were many allusions to –unprovoked attacks on, I dare say – corruption. Former Lagos State Governor Babatunde Fashola was asked if it was true that N78m was spent on a website during his administration. His Rivers State counterpart, Rotimi Amaechi, following a question, said a teacher who took advantage of his student was corrupt.

    He provoked a torrent of questions. Can a teacher be corrupt if his students are not? Is a student whose dressing leaves so much to the imagination, exposing her cleavage, not corrupt? How insulated from corruption is the teacher whose pay cheque always arrives late?

    At the University of Ilorin anniversary, President Muhammadu Buhari warned lecturers to run away from academic corruption. What is academic corruption? Plagiarism? Or the type Amaechi was describing? Or concupiscence? Or stoking a strike when examinations are right at the door? Or sheer indolence?

    A politician, backed by the enormous power of the government at the centre, otherwise known as the federal might, turns an election into a war, killing and maiming many supporters of his opponent. He is proclaimed winner of the election –sorry for that slip; he is awarded victory. He visits churches after churches, proclaiming God’s faithfulness in his political life, kneeling down before clerics for blessings and leading the congregation to sing:

    He’s a miracle working God

    He’s a miracle working God

    He’s the alpha and omega

    He’s a miracle working God

    Ah! What a merciful God we have. He has the power to get anybody mocking His name to be struck by thunder, but He is full of mercy.

    Our man goes to Abuja in a desperate manner to compromise the jury sitting over his opponent’s petition against his bloody victory. His bid to see the Chief Justice fails. He launches a vicious attack on the integrity of his opponent’s camp and boasts that his election was endorsed by his people and sanctified by the Almighty. After all, he went to church for thanksgiving. Suddenly, the tribunal delivers a hammer blow- his election was rigged and it is nullified. His heart sinks.

    Heartbroken, he returns home to a deceptively defiant reception at the airport. He then goes back to church for another thanksgiving. Pray, what is this called? Electoral corruption? Religious corruption or corruption of religion?  Shouldn’t the clerics ask the politician to just confess his sins and sin no more rather than leading him on a thanksgiving revelry?

    Meanwhile, his opponent also gets a massive reception where he lambasts the poll rigger for borrowing heavily to finance his stay in office and starving the economy of funds by misapplying resources.

    Reception jams reception and thanksgiving jams thanksgiving.

    The other day, there were reports that two bankers had been arrested for allegedly managing proxy accounts that had N2.8b for Pension Reform Task Force chief Abdulrasheed Maina. This is not the first of such mind boggling allegations against Maina, who once shunned a Senate invitation and, strangely, evaded arrest by the former Inspector General of Police, Mohammed Abubakar, who was directed to seize him. Thanks to our adherence to due process and rule of law as well as our incomprehension of the difference between “corruption” and “stealing”, Maina remains a free man. Whenever he feels harassed, there is always a crowd of people, some of them apparently ignorant of what pension is all about, carrying placards to excoriate the authorities for asking Maina to account for the billions collected by his task force.

    The cesspit of robbery that is pension administration is covered in a cloak of corruption. Is it not all simple stealing? Or fraud? Or both?

    A father once sang his adopted political son’s song to high heavens, threatening to bring hell down to earth should his son lose an election, but when the son lost, the old man changed his tune. First, he said he would not die because his party lost an election. Then he said his son was weak and could not fight corruption.  What do we call a father who abandons his son? Morally corrupt?

    Anti-corruption campaigners are deploying all manner of tactics to fight their battle. I got on my phone the other day a message urging the government to reinvigorate the war against corruption. There are two pictures of an ageing woman, deep hollows in her cheeks and her face a mixture of light and dark. Her complexion is the type called “yellow fever” in the language of the late songster, Fela Anikulapo-Kuti. Just beside this is another picture of the same woman – good looking, far younger, attractive and light complexioned with a heavy red, glossy lipstick lifting her face.  Above the two pictures is the caption: “Mr President, as you look for corrupt politicians in Nigeria, try and arrest the make- up artist who arranged this ‘organised crime’. Nigeria must be free of this. EFCC and ICPC copied.”

    A friend of mine has just informed me about a renowned professor’s plan to launch a massive research into “the dialectical analysis of corruption in Nigeria’s economic crisis: Facts and fallacies”. Among others, he is to examine the relationship between “stealing” and “corruption”, why the former attracts instance justice, otherwise known as jungle justice, and the latter takes just a stroll to the courtroom where lawyers argue on why the rights and privileges of an accused person should be protected in a circus that often fails to end – a vivid flashback to Fela’s “Authority Stealing”.

    A corruption suspect can even go overseas and continue to have a nice time, until the authorities believe they have had enough. At home, even if he is convicted, he may not go to jail – that seems to be for ordinary thieves, pick pockets and car snatchers. He only needs to get a doctor to declare that he has been struck by some terrible ailment. From the courtroom, he drives to the best hospital in town and sinks into a bed at the VIP section –air conditioner, satellite television (to ensure he doesn’t miss his favourite premiership team’s game), dedicated nurse and all that. He cools off, until the Court of Appeal determines whether he should go home or seek justice (for wrongful incarceration) at the Supreme Court.

    Corruption will someday urge a court of competent jurisdiction to grant it a perpetual injunction restraining our leaders, their agents, privies, officers, officials or whomsoever assigned the duty of maligning it to desist from so doing or be committed to prison.

    Dear reader, will corruption find a willing judge?

     

     

     

  • PDP and its house of cards

    PDP and its house of cards

    SINCE the major calamity that befell the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) in Rivers State, the party and some of its leading lights, including Governor Nyesom Wike, whose election was nullified, have been crying like malnourished babies. They have launched scurrilous attacks on the judiciary.

    The election was a war – bloody and savagery. Insane. The scars will remain indelible in many homes. An entire family was killed. Heads were smashed and limbs were broken – apparently following the crude order of former First Lady Patience Jonathan (where is Her Excellency, by the way?). Chai!

    The tribunal’s message is that no evil will go unpunished. Rather than cry, the PDP should embark on a purgatory and save us the tragedy of experiencing again its kill-and-go politics of motor park touts. Its attempt to ridicule the judiciary will collapse, like the house of cards its fake electoral trophy symbolised.

    We all knew those who were loitering around the Chief Justice’s home and office. We all knew those who kept quiet when a judge was said to have been compromised. The truth is, things are changing. The PDP should face the reality now or be doomed forever.

  • When an elephant dies

    When an elephant dies

    So many theories have been deployed to explain the fate that befell former Petroleum Resources Minister Diezani Alison-Madueke and former Bayelsa State Governor DSP Alamieyeseigha, the self-styled governor-general of the Ijaw Nation.

    Mrs Alison-Madueke was arrested in London for alleged money laundering and corruption, details of which are yet to be spelt out even as many emergency analysts and theorists have gone to town with what they have sworn is the ABC of the matter. Can we blame them? As our elders say, when an elephant dies, all manner of knives show up.

    The arrest generated so much hysteria because Mrs Alison-Madueke was perceived as one of the principalities and powers in former President Goodluck Jonathan’s administration, which elder statesman Edwin Kiagbodo Clark disrobed in the market place the other day after many years of strutting the land, proclaiming the former President as his godson in whom we all must be well pleased. Now, says Clark, Jonathan lacked the will to fight corruption. How times – and people –  change!

    In a raid on Mrs Alison-Madueke’s home, 27,000 pounds cash was reportedly seized. There were also rumours that she was being held with some of her family members. Many, spurred by the feeling that the former minister was set to have her day with the law, rushed from one court to the other seeking information on the rumoured arraignment of the once powerful former minister.

    As usual in cases of this nature, an army of  doubtful legal experts has sprung up, forecasting  how the case will go, the punishment (when an accused is found guilty), chances of extradition and other related issues. Some of them are even talking about a plea bargain, saying madam would be let off the hook should she agree to surrender some cash, which they derisively refer to as her “loot”.

    Doctors – majority of them charlatans posing as genuine professionals – have also weighed in after the family confirmed that Mrs Alison-Madueke was suffering from cancer of the breast. How strong should an accused be to face trial? When did the ailment begin? Was that why she was not seen after Dr Jonathan lost the election?

    Without any respect for the laws of defamation  and simple decency , many have hit the Internet to speculate about her peccadilloes, especially those of very intimate nature, which this paper, being a family newspaper, would never be caught enumerating –  in deference to our readers’ sensibility. They write authoritatively about the incredible wealth of her associates, who live like kings and party like Hollywood stars, cruising the world in private yachts and buying homes in the most exclusive neighbourhoods in the most expensive cities.

    In Mrs Alison-Madueke’s travails, some have found a comic relief, displaying the fecundity of an average Nigerian’s mind even in a situation that demands extreme sobriety. The other day in Ibadan, an old woman was wondering why the noise about “this innocent and beautiful woman”. What they allege she has taken, said the woman in the local accent, is small (die sa ni) – a kind of onomatopoeic contraption of “Diezani”.

    A commentator, apparently one of those bitter critics, scolded those who cried out that the former minister was being witch-hunted. “Let’s kill all the witches and see if we’ll be able to get the truth in these matters,” he remonstrated to the amazement of all. How do we know the witches who many of our leaders claim to be hunting them whenever they are called to account? Don’t witches hunt ordinary and poor people, including those who are nowadays referred to as extremely poor? If they do, why don’t they complain?

    When the rumour mill alleged that Diezani would be in court with her mother and brothers, another commentator asked rhetorically: “What do we say when members of a family are arrested?” He quipped: “This is surely not a case of partners in crime; it must be family in crime.”

    On the Internet, the portrait of the North Korean leader, Kim Jon Un, the one who reportedly fed his uncle to starving dogs for mismanaging the economy, corruption, womanising and drug taking, with his trademark deadly frown, was posted. It carried the caption: “The way other members of the Looters Academy (2011-2015) will be looking at Diezani, like don’t you have conscience?”

    There was also the former minister’s beautiful portrait. She is decked out in the traditional dress, something like a Kaftan, a big headgear on her head and a blue necklace playing on her tender neck. Her face is wreathed in smiles. All her accessories are blue –to match, as they say. Then the clincher of a caption: “When they said Mrs Alakija was the richest woman in the world.”

    Many were moved when the Alison-Madueke family lawyer confirmed that the former minister was indeed battling cancer. The compassion the disclosure elicited was remarkable. This, I think, may have been responsible for the reduced  negative criticisms of her tenure as 0il minister and her cancer battle. Adversity has a strange way of drawing sympathy – thanks to our common humanity and the reality that there is a leveller, after all .

    Alamieyeseigha’s case was different. He answered the final call after the United Kingdom  requested for his extradition  to face  trial for alleged money laundering. It is not all new. The former governor was arrested in London on September, 2005 for carrying one million pounds cash on him. In his account, about 1.8million pounds was discovered. The gloomy prospect of being sent to jail was strong. DSP, as he was excitedly called by his associates and admirers, jumped bail and fled the United Kingdom in controversial circumstances, the mystery of which his death has deepened.

    An account said he was robed like a woman in hijab, sneaked out of his home and headed for a special route where he was driven out of town before taking a flight to a West African country. He then flew home to Nigeria.

    Another account spoke of how the late Alamieyeseigha simply headed for Heathrow, checked in like any other passenger and flew back home. In July 2007, he was jailed two years. He lost many assets, forfeited to the government of Bayelsa State. In the United Kingdom and the United States, he lost a fortune. Dr Jonathan pardoned him in 2013. But, like that of a really bad wound, the scar remained indelible.

    Now, the myth and all the worldly affairs will be interred in a six feet grave in his home in Amasoma, Bayelsa State. The end.

    The late Alamieyeseigha was said to have been devastated and shocked by the news that he was to be bundled back to the United Kingdom. He fell into a coma and died last Saturday at the University of Port Harcourt Teaching Hospital of cardiac arrest.

    Some commentators, drawing from the “great escape from London”, refused to believe that Alamieyeseigha was, indeed, dead. They called for an autopsy and demanded a public display of his body because, according to them, the man could spring a surprise.

    At home in Bayelsa, Alams (another nickname of his) remains a hero. The state government has declared a seven-day mourning, following the demise of “a rare gem”. Governor Seriake Dickson described his death as “a very painful and monumental loss to the entire Ijaw nation, which he has always stood firm for in all its ramifications”. He condemned “the way he was harassed and forced to abandon his treatment abroad”. Flags are to fly at half mast and the opening of Dickson’s campaign was put off in deference to a dearest leader.

    From a United Kingdom prison, former Delta State Governor James Onanefe Ibori, also known as Ogidigboigbo has penned a remarkable obituary, dripping with gripping emotion . A eulogy and an elegy mixed in good prose. He described  the late Alamieyeseigha as “ a victim of virulent politics” . He said the man was not corrupt, adding that he built only one house. A young fellow sneered at that tribute and asked cynically: “One house? Okay, how many did he buy?”

    To Ibori, who is serving term for money laundering, Alams was “a victim of great hypocrisy masquerading as nationalism and anti-corruption fight”. He hailed him as a champion of resource control.

    Many have argued that Alamieyeseigha’s death may have been unnatural, considering the timing, which coincided with the United Kingdom’s request for his extradition. Did he poison himself after concluding that death was more honourable than disgrace? Was it a case of hypertension and diabetes as claimed in unofficial medical circles? Could it all be part of his tummy tuck surgery? Why should some people think it could all be a scam? The death of a scam or the scam of death?

    The lesson of it all is the reality of the futility of material acquisition as an end in itself and not as a means to an end, which is the comfort of the majority of the people and the well-being of the society. Many of such acquisitions, which are meant to be agents of comfort, often turn out to be agents of discomfort and even death. Ah! What a lethal irony.

    But the big question is: do men learn?

  • Falae, Saudi stampede and UNILAG bedbugs

    Falae, Saudi stampede and UNILAG bedbugs

    WHEN the news of Chief Oluyemisi Falae’s abduction broke, a feeling of incredulity pervaded the land. But it took no time for the reality to hit us all as his abductors demanded N100m ransom, which his family could not raise – for obvious reasons.

    As they dragged the elder statesman through bushes and creeks, threatening to kill him if the ransom would not be paid, the family regretted that they could raise only N2m. Then the abductors, in a strange exhibition of magnanimity, reduced the ransom to N90m.

    President Muhammadu Buhari, just before he flew out to the United Nations General Assembly in New York, ordered the police to rescue Falae. As if that was all that was needed, from the blues, the old man showed up on the Owo-Ifon Road, got picked up by the police and hussled off to the Government House in Akure to be presented, like a big trophy, to Governor Segun Mimiko. Excited police chief Solomon  Arase, his face wreathed in smiles, announced with hysterical glee, that his men had wrested the chief from his tormentors. No ransom was paid, we were told.

    The former Finance minister and presidential candidate has spoken of his ordeal. “We all slept on leaves. Unfortunately, it rained in the night and I was drenched. One of them brought a small umbrella to cover my head, but the rest of my body was not,” Falae said.

    He went on: “They offered me bread but I told them I could not eat it. I demanded for a bottle of Coke, which was what I drank everyday to have energy and to continue with the march because we were always moving.”

    To Falae,77 – he was actually snatched away on his birthday – the ordeal he underwent should not be allowed to go on. “It is not because of me. I am a very humble person, but by virtue of what God has made me and the status He has given me, it is an insult to our race that a man like me could be abducted by a bunch of hoodlums,” he said.

    But the abductors did not let go until they fired a warning. One of them told the old man: “Baba, if you leave us, you talk nonsense, I will come and catch you again.”

    Falae was said to have been abducted by Fulani herdsmen who had been troubling him on his farm. When did Fulani herdsmen become abductors? Is that part of cattle rearing for which they are famous? Are these criminals truly Fulani herdsmen? Will they ever be arrested? Can the police see the security implication of this incident, which could turn innocent people into targets of hate actions? Will the Fulani community come up to clear their name?

    If the victim said his family paid ransom, why are the police arguing that they rescued Falae without anybody shelling out some cash? Why couldn’t somebody just be honest and consistent? Now the police are going to investigate how the ransom was paid – through the bank? By hand? Who paid? Funny.

    This is not the first time abductors, who are never caught, have got cash to free their captives. The victims and their families would keep quiet, perhaps because they have lost confidence in the ability of the police to protect them and are scared the abductors could return to grab them again. This fear is the oil that keeps the wheel of this odious crime turning. Why are abductors not usually caught and taught the lesson of their lives?

    Before the Falae abduction shock could subside, the news of the Saudi Arabia calamity hit the airwaves, tearing through our hearts.

    No fewer than 244 Nigerians have been declared missing in the stampede in which 64 are said to have died, trampled on by desperate fellow pilgrims struggling to stay alive or got suffocated. The Nigerian toll is part of the global 1,100. This is not the first time pilgrims have died at the hajj, but this year’s figure is the highest since the 1990 disaster that took 1,426 lives.

    The Saudi authorities have launched a probe into the incident, the second in Mecca in less than two weeks. A crane collapsed on September 11 – what a date – killing 111 people and injuring 394. Nigeria lost some of its prominent citizens, including Justice of the Court of Appeal, Abdulkadir Jega, renowned Islamic scholar Prof Tijani Abubakar El- Miskin, foremost journalist Hajiya Bilikisu Yusuf, a traditional ruler, Alhaji Abbass Ibrahim (Panti Zing) and his two wives.

    Niger State Accountant – General Alhaji Shehu Kontagora and a member of the state’s Assembly, Mr Faisal Musa, also died in the stampede.

    The incident occurred as the pilgrims were performing the ritual of stoning the devil. This provoked some morbid jokes back home in Nigeria. One goes thus: “If Buhari would not release money for hajj, Nigerians should not worry. There are many devils waiting to be stoned here at home. Don’t ask me who they are. Barka de Sallah.”

    Another tells of a man calling a member of his family who was on pilgrimage after learning that the Saudi authorities would pay the family of each victim N70m. When the pilgrim pick his call, he hissed and said: “So you are not dead? Yeye man; we have just lost N70m.”

    It is worrisome that the Saudi authorities are yet to evolve a foolproof crowd control system. Iran, which is said to have the highest number of pilgrims, is angry. It insists that the Saudi authorities should take responsibility for the bloody show. An eyewitness spoke of people dying of thirst. Why was water not enough? Were the emergency services actually prepared? What measures were taken immediately to stop the disaster? Could there have been some laxity all because it is a privilege to die and be buried in the holy land?

    As we mourned these compatriots of ours who died on their journey of faith, my mind went to Boko Haram, the evil sect that has been killing and maiming in the name of Islam, a religion it obviously abuses – to the consternation of the truly knowledgeable.

    A new Boko Haram video has hit the social media. It shows a huge crowd of people worshipping on Sallah day and interviews of supposed leaders of the terrorist sect, glittering AK-47 rifles in their hands, boasting about their grip on the Sambisa Forest. Could that be real? Will such a huge crowd of insurgents gather anywhere within Nigeria and be safe? Were the Chibok girls part of the worshipping crowd? Are the military authorities aware of the video? Are they studying it?

    These terrible events were enough to make us all sober. We were, in fact, hobbled and humbled by them. But, as they say, different strokes for different folks.   As we nursed our wounds, a strange kind of protest broke out at the University of Lagos (UNILAG) where  students were up in arms against the authorities on Monday. Reason: there are bedbugs – yes, bedbugs – in the hostels. As from 3am, they shut the gates, stormed the homes of some principal officers and laid their mattresses on the road leading to the campus. And what a spectacle.

    One of the students had been bitten by a bedbug while he was asleep. He screamed, as the story goes, and his colleagues felt they could no longer take that after they had reportedly complained to the authorities that their hostels needed to be fumigated. The bedbugs, said the students, had developed resistance to their commonly used insecticide, Sniper.

    The students demanded that all their mattresses be replaced, the fittings removed and the hostels fumigated. All in seven days. But Deputy Registrar Olagoke Oke absolved the management from any blame, saying: “Are we supposed to be telling university students to wash their clothes and clean their rooms? The students need to take care of themselves, otherwise, no amount of fumigation would eradicate the bedbugs.”

    This bedbug protest  raised many questions. Is a bedbug bite strong enough to send a sleeping adult screaming? Is it more painful than a mosquito bite? If Sniper can’t keep the pesky pests in check, which insecticide can do the job? How about that for a research? Will UNILAG fund an academic giant’s intellectual probe of these matters of bedbugs, mosquitoes and old mattresses as their breeding grounds? Wouldn’t that be some groundbreaking exertion for a foremost centre of learning?

    To many social scientists, the big bedbugs tearing away at the heart of our nation are security and economic challenges. As a corollary of these are unemployment, decaying infrastructure and corruption, which have made Nigeria, the black man’s hope, a mystifying paradox of a country.

    We, however, have not lost it all. No. So, it is fitting and proper to wish ourselves a happy 55th independence anniversary. Cheers!

  • Lexical matters

    Lexical matters

    The soothing wind of change sweeping across the land seems to have affected public discourse. The words we use and the way we use them have,  no doubt, conveyed, deliberately or otherwise, the change that our leaders are preaching so much so that I am damn sure that language experts must now have their hands full.

    But, before we proceed, a clarification. The idea of this column is not original to me. Respected journalism teacher Olatunji Dare patented it in his Rutam House days when he was Chairman of the Editorial Board/OPED Editor, with  his “Matters lexical” passing comments on vital issues of those days when soldiers were in charge. Thankfully, the  “khaki boys” – as our then leaders were derogatorily referred to by “bloody civilians” who detested the way they ran the show- are back in the barracks.

    Consider President Muhammadu Buhari’s speech at the yearly Nigeria Bar Association (NBA) conference in Abuja in which His Excellency urged lawyers to stop defending “crooks” and “looters” so as to strengthen the war against “corruption”.

    Of course, we all knew the battle that raged endlessly among the elite over the seemingly simple definition of  “corruption” and “stealing” in the recent past. So complex were the intellectual duels the matter generated that till now we can not say for sure who carried the day.

    Pardon the digression. Unknown to President Buhari, he had set off a huge debate. “How do we know ‘crooks’ and ‘looters’ before they are so labelled by the courts?” some lawyers asked dejectedly.  “Isn’t an accused presumed to be innocent until he is proven guilty? Ei incumbit protatio qui dicit non qui negat.”  “Isn’t everybody entitled to defence, in the principle of fair hearing?” “How do we earn a good living if we presume that all big clients are “looters”? “Where is the age-old principle: he who alleges must prove?”

    Others argued: “If a public official is living above his means, do we need to go to court to establish that he is a “looter”? When does a “looter” become a “crook”? Is it after he has stolen billions and he is able to hire an army of Senior Advocates when he is called to account? What maketh a “thief “ and a “crook”?  What constitutes “loot”? Millions? Billions? In dollars or naira?

    The fireworks are still on, I am told. But, learned gentlemen, should there be any obfuscation? The President was simply reacting to situations in which lawyers go to court to ground the wheel of justice, filing motions upon motions and securing perpetual injunctions as well as long adjournments that make corruption cases conclusively inconclusive, thereby obstructing justice and fuelling “graft”.

    The word “corruption” seems to be yielding space to “graft” in the newspapers. Why? Is it for its length or ease of pronunciation? I really do not know now. My worry was compounded the other day when embattled FIFA President Sepp Blatter insisted that there was no “corruption” in football even as several officials of the organisation had been arrested as part of the massive probe into how hosting the World Cup may have been bought.

    The phrase “hit the ground running” has also dominated public discourse since Buhari mounted the saddle on May 29. Some critics have called him “Baba Go Slow”. He acknowledged this but insisted that he would rather go slowly and get it right than rushing things and failing. It has since been discovered that some of those shouting do not know the meaning of the expression. Imagine somebody saying the other day that “should Buhari hit the ground and hurt his foot, how will he run?”

    The fuel queues have disappeared. Electricity has improved and Boko Haram is feeling the heat. Many corruption cases have been investigated and suspects taken to court. All in about 100 days. How else do you “hit the ground running?” Has Buhari not worked hard and successfully at governance?

    A newspaper headline yesterday read: “How Wike hits the ground running in Rivers”. Does Wike “hit the ground everyday?” The writer listed some of His Excellency’s achievements, including a housing project and roads. He forgot to add the probe of former Governor Rotimi Amaechi. Is that not a  landmark achievement of a governor who has hit the ground running?”

    In the same newspaper, right opposite the Wike story another writer assessed  Cross  River State Governor  Prof. Ben Ayade’s 100 days in office, “declaring that the governor has hit the ground running”.

    Among today’s popular words, “quiz” and “grill” number. The anti-graft agencies, held down by stronger powers, seem to have found their long-lost form. Suddenly.  Many high profile cases are being filed and heard. Former Head of Service Steve Oronsaye has had his day in court. So have former governors Ikedi Ohakim, Murtala Nyako and  Sule Lamido.

    Former Immigration chief  David Parradang has been “quizzed” over the bloody jobs scandal, which many thought had been killed and buried. By the way, “interrogation” seems to have lost its potency to “grill” and “quiz”. Again, I do not know why. I leave it all to lexicographers and etymologists.

    Does the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) actually “grill” its guests like fish tossed into the oven? Do they sweat? Do reporters use the word “grill” when a guest spends hours at the agency’s office? Does “quiz” apply to those who stroll in, escorted by a crowd of busybodies, and come out a few minutes after? I really can’t tell.

    Talking about the anti-graft war, the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) has been howling that   its members have been the target. In fact, the other day, PDP spokesman Olisa Metuh accused Buhari of running a “dictatorship”.  But, needless to say, that was no popular view. Before the anti-graft agencies began to pick up suspects, Buhari, to the PDP, was slow. Now he is a “dictator”. Who knows, Metuh, who now has so much time for a research,  may be teaching us a few things on the etymology of the word “dictatorship”. Whoever says being in opposition has no gain.

    You will recall that as soon as Buhari took office, he declared his “assets” in the way and manner specified by the Code of Conduct Bureau. But some critics insisted that he should make the declaration public. His spokesman Femi Adesina said the President would do so within 100 days.

    Buhari has kept his word. So has Vice President Yemi Osinbajo. Among Buhari’s belongings are two mud houses, 270 head of cattle, 25 sheep, birds and trees, among others. Now, the critics, obviously those who still feel the pains of losing power, are crying that Buhari and Osinbajo should also “declare” their liabilities. Is that what the law says? To what purpose will that be? How about asking our PDP chiefs why they never made public their “assets”? Can they do so now, if for nothing but to show their sincerity and strengthen their claim that they never shortchanged Nigerians?

    Senator Shehu Sani, following Buhari’s and Osinbajo’s example, made public his “assets”. Among them were his two wives. He immediately set off a debate. Wives? Why “declare” their number, thereby widening the scope of this exercise to a seemingly uncomfortable level? If the electorate insist on knowing how many wives our politicians have, will they not think the size of an aspirant’s harem will dictate how prudent he will be if he gets elected? How many politicians can “declare” their women as “assets” and not “liabilities”? Are our women-activists comfortable with a politician declaring his wives as “assets” as if they are some property or commodities?

    Anyway, the verb “declare” is fast yielding its use as an expression of interest in an office, such as “declare for governor” and “declare for Come and Chop Party of Nigeria” to the phrase “assets declaration”. In  the immediate past administration, it was never used in relation to “assets” or “liabilities”. But that is not to say it never featured; it did so often when military chiefs were not sure whether to “declare” just a “war” or “total war” on Boko Haram–as they threatened several times before getting the push.

    And talking about the war, Boko Haram now knows “a new Sheriff is in town”. Oh yes!

    LET TOYIN NWOSU GO TODAY

    IT has been some three harrowing days since Toyin Nwosu, an employee of Amuwo Odofin Local Government and wife of The Sun Deputy Managing Director Steve Nwosu was forcibly removed from her home in Okota, Lagos, by gunmen who smashed their way in the dead of the night.

    Steve has been traumatised. So have been the kids. So have been all of us who have encountered Toyin. The abductors are said to be demanding N100m ransom. Where will a professional get N100m in a country where salaries are poor and many workers, including journalists, go on unpaid for several months, driven only by the passion they have for their trade? Where?

    Despite the various steps taken against abduction, the evil trade thrives.  Criminals find it so lucrative, probably because of the secrecy surrounding the resolution of any such incident. A ransom is collected and the victim is let off. Quietly. Then the next victim is grabbed. We all seem so vulnerable and helpless. We are at the mercy of gunmen. Lord have mercy!

    Toyin is harmless, always in high spirits, ever-smiling, humble and friendly – as her abductors may have discovered. I plead for her unconditional release today. May the Almighty touch the hearts of her abductors. And the hearts of those leaders whose action and inaction have brought the economy to this pitiable level, driving into crime those who see no future in our future.

    Won’t you say “amen”?

     

  • Of love, lust and justice

    Of love, lust and justice

    LET’S forget about politics and politicians – just for a while. Let’s take our minds off the crashing oil prices and the battered Naira, the dizzying figures of the cash laid at the foot of the demon of corruption and the row sparked by President Muhammadu Buhari’s appointments, a harmless action that has been hijacked by ethnic warriors to feather their nest. Let’s turn our gaze off Sambisa to other forests that are as dreadful as that evil redoubt of the redoubtable Boko Haram terrorists. Just for a while.

    I don’t expect you to hail me for raising the alarm: sexual crimes are on the rise. We all know this. What is unclear is: how many of us are worried? The stories range from those of deranged minds in mindless assault on minors, rape and sexual peccadilloes of celebrities. All in August.

    I tried my all to ignore them all, but the subject kept coming up like the phoenix. How do we, in a family newspaper such as ours, deal with salacious matters, especially those bordering on concupiscence, eroticism and, in some cases, sheer rumpy pumpy, without offending the reader’s sensibility? How?

    Many homes have been broken since the shocking unveiling of the Ashley Madison adultery website. Some women, unable to stand the reality that their husbands could philander with other women, quit their marriages, hacked to marital death by those merciless hackers. There have been reports of suicide and company chiefs stepping down.

    The revelations have been earth-shaking. Now, Alabama has been described as the adultery capital of the United States after it was found to have the highest levels of credit card movements on the extra-marital cheating website among the 50 states. In the United Kingdom, Cambridge –yes, Cambridge, the university city –  has the highest number of potential cheats. One in 20 of its adults, including  many academic giants – men and women – are registered on the website.

    What is the relationship between learning and technology for which Cambridge, home of a world famous university, is known and extra-marital indiscretions? I am sure researchers will soon let us into this amazing secret.

    In South Africa, the police announced that a case of assault had been opened against a grandson of the late statesman, Dr Nelson Mandela. The young man had earlier been accused of raping a 15-year-old girl. He was allowed home on a R7,000 bail by a Johannesburg magistrate. He spent a week in custody.

    A relation of the suspect denied rape. He said it was all consensual and that the girl was of age. Do rape victims always get justice? Hardly. Any doubt is often resolved in the favour of the accused. The complainant is subjected to so much questioning that she would regret ever bringing up the matter. The burden of proof is often so heavy that cases get abandoned. The result is that many victims of rape would rather suffer in silence, sink into depression and, in some cases, take their own lives.

    The other day at the Police College, Ikeja, Lagos, a female police officer and her lover, apparently seeking a way out of the regimental camp life of rigorous exercises, parades and examinations, went inside a parked car and carried on as if they were home in the bedroom. A senior officer on routine checks, a flash lamp in his hand, found a stationery car moving rhythmically. Curious, he decided to check. And what a spectacle. An eyeful. He ordered  the show stopped and subjected the panting actors to some grilling. Unable to take it anymore, the man, who claimed to be a police officer, fled the scene. His companion lost a rank for indecent conduct  unbecoming of an officer.

    Is that fair? Well, it is neither here nor there. I waited for our army of women rights activists and Beijing champions to take up the matter and fight for the poor woman’s rank to be restored but they did not seem to be interested.

    When does an unrestrained lustful desire become a crime? Is such an act done in the night in a car by two consenting adults and away from public glare an affront to public sensibility and decency? Isn’t this why our people say bodi no be wood? Is the police chief’s action not a brazen assault on the female police officer’s copulative rights and privileges? I really don’t know. Where are our legal experts?

    In Anambra State, women of easy virtue went on the rampage, razing a market because the brothels in which they practise their trade in Amansea, Awka North Local Government, were demolished by the Urban Development Board, which claimed that the place was a haven for criminals. That was on August 14.

    It has been suggested by some analysts that instead of taking the law into their hands, these women should have gone to court to demand damages. The question, however, remains: in what capacity? Do they have an association? What will they tell the judge? Isn’t there a difference between human rights and the liberty to practise an illegal trade? Can they ever get justice?

    Also in August, a University of Lagos (UNILAG) teacher was accused of raping an admission seeker. The university disowned the randy teacher who reportedly denied the accusation. The matter, I learnt, is still being investigated.

    Of all these cases, none has been as sensational as that of Mrs Emily Richard-Obire, who petitioned the Chief Justice of Nigeria (CJN) to complain that Justice Olamide Oloyede of the Osun State Judiciary – remember her? Her Lordship was the one who petitioned the  Assembly to impeach Governor Rauf Aregbesola  –  had snatched her husband. An Ashley Madisonian stuff, the story attracted a flood of comments.

    How? Her husband and Justice Olojede were co-habiting, she alleged and urged the National Judicial Council (NJC) to issue a perpetual injunction restraining Justice Oloyede, her agents, privies, servants and others from snatching her husband.

    Apparently realising the urgency of the matter, Chief Justice Mahmoud Mohammed asked Her Lordship to defend her integrity in 14 days. A source said she did with dispatch. Did Her Lordship deny all the concubinary exploits ascribed to her by the petitioner?

    I do not know yet how this matter will be settled. As I said, it drew an avalanche of comments and an army of emergency experts – family lawyers, psychologists, psychoanalysts, physiologists and all manner of charlatans who have lunched into exotic theories on the matter of Her Lordship’s yet unproven concubinary adventure.

    They have been asking: When does co-habitation become snatching? Can there be snatching without violence? Any sign of violence in this instance? Why will a  man leave his family to warm a strange woman’s bed? What is the attraction? Is it normal? What is the other woman doing better – culinary adventurism? Copulative virtuosity? Erotomania? Mere romance?

    Said Mrs Richard-Obire, a mother of four: “I have evidence that she has been addressing my husband as ‘my husband’ and my husband has been addressing her as ‘my beautiful wife’.”

    It is incredible how this matter of co-habitation and all the corollary of such actions has been blown out of proportion, leaping straight out of the inner recesses of a home somewhere in a city to the streets where some strange rights activists have seized upon it as a weapon to fight their battle against Aregbesola – all because workers are owed salaries.

    A hitherto unknown Civil Societies (sic) Coalition for the Emancipation of Osun State joined the fray, nestling like a dutiful coach in Justice Oloyede’s corner. It suggested that the NJC was usurping the functions of a magistrate’s court by entertaining Mrs Richard-Obire’s petition. Her husband, said the coalition, is free to fall in bed –sorry, a slip there – in love with whomsoever he chooses. In fact, the fellows went on, the man had filed for divorce. The activists added other details, which I would rather leave out here, again because this is a family newspaper.

    The emergency experts, aforementioned, would also not rest. They keep probing.  When does fantasy end, giving way to adultery? Is co-habitation adultery? What proof is Mrs Richard- Obire going to present – pictures of late night inner-room hot kisses or just a pat on the buttocks in the kitchen? Or the gentle touch on the chin? Does she have a video/audio evidence? Has she been involved in some voyeurism?

    A little bird tells me this story is just unfolding, waiting to blossom in typical kiss-and-tell manner. For instance, we are yet to hear from Mr Obire, the man at the centre of all this. What kind of man is he? Seductive? Quiet? Active? Handsome?  Will the NJC summon him? Will he be asked to choose either of the two women? If so, who will he like to go with?

    Whichever way the NJC resolves this delicate matter, which those who know nothing about law and its practice said should have been left for a magistrate, our jurisprudence would have been richly enriched at the end of the day.  It may well turn out that indeed, not only justice is blind, love also shares that attribute; it is blind.

    C-o-u-r-t!.

  • Where are they now? (II)

    Where are they now? (II)

    Let me start with a clarification. Last week’s installment of this column was not meant to slight or degrade anybody. Far from it. Nor was it meant to be a naked exhibition of crass ingratitude to those men and women who served this country – or got served so well – to the best of their abilities.

    Many readers felt I left out some former public officials and their associates, those men and women who played major roles in our lives before the wind of change that tore through the land uprooted them and swept them out of public gaze. My apologies. And now some amendments.

    Former President Goodluck Jonathan has not, contrary to predictions, settled down to write his memoirs. Neither has he returned to Otuoke to take up the age-old family business of canoe – building, giving it some presidential touch . Rather, His Excellency has embarked on his long overdue holidays. Not even the crisis that is threatening the Bayelsa State Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) would be a distraction.

    The other day he was seen at an airport in Europe admiring a set of twins. Just last week, he flew in style to Kenya with his family in two chartered jets, like a Hollywood star. The way Dr Jonathan leapt off the aircraft, one would have mistaken him for an athlete who is set for a major race.

    Gone is the long Niger Delta dress with chains and buttons glittering like a veteran soldier’s medals and the Fedora cap.   He was in town to see the games reserves. Now, we have been let into another passion of our former leader – he loves wild animals.

    Just before then, Jonathan had paid a secret visit to the Presidential Villa where, according to sources, he asked President Muhammadu Buhari to take it easy with his associates and former ministers. Needless to say, it was learnt, he got a standard reply – that the anti-corruption war was just gathering steam, it would not be a witch-hunt and only the guilty needed to fear. Chikena!

    Femi “loud mouth” Olukayode, the one we used to know and address as Femi Fani- Kayode, has since got off the hook in the money laundering charges slammed on him by the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC). He acknowledged the fact that God’s favour saw him through. In appreciation of this, he changed his name to Olukayode. Now many are asking: what’s in a name? Has the man who lied that Buhari did not go to school and concocted a fake medical report of the then presidential candidate changed?

    A few days ago, the former spokesman of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) Campaign was in the news again – for questioning the paternity of three girls who he was said to have fathered. He, so goes the salacious story, had been asking that the girls from his estranged woman, Yemisi, daughter of a former Lagos judge, should undergo a paternity test.

    With the EFCC issue behind him and nobody ready to hire a propagandist now, Fani-Kayode–Oh! sorry about the slip –  Olukayode has enough time to straighten his private affairs, details of which will not be published here, this being a family newspaper. But, there is some good news, Olukayode has found love again – he is head over heels with a former beauty queen, Precious Chikwendu. If all goes well, the fourth marriage will soon be consummated.

    Little has been heard from Dr Doyin Okupe, the former presidential aide, since the May 29 shellacking. There have been stories of how the medical doctor-turned- politician diverted into property business in Britain–Is he on exile?– The trade, it was said, brought bountiful rewards – initially.  Then, our man planned to go for the kill. He shelled out a hefty sum of money – some said everything he had – and it all blew up in his face; a scam. Now, friends and associates are asking the prince to return home. When he will yield to their plea, nobody knows.

    After Elder Peter Godsday Orubebe’s failed attempt to disrupt the collation of the presidential election’s results, he apologised for his disgraceful conduct and left Abuja in utter contriteness. But, against all expectations, his purgatory lasted just a few days. The former minister returned to his church in Ogbobagbene, Delta State, preaching morals and good conduct. In fact, he was recently at a ceremony in which he admonished the youth to be of good behavior.

    Many who heard of the event turned it all into a joke and recalled how Orubebe’s name became a subject of biting witticisms, a kind of laughing stock, after his encounter with Jega. In one of such jokes, a woman goes to a doctor to complain about her husband’s strange behaviour.

    “Woman: Doctor, my husband is acting strange. He has been screaming ‘we will not take this’ all-day.

    “Doctor: Hmm…that’s Orubebelysus

    “Woman: O my God! What’s that?

    “ Doctor:  Calm down. It’s a kind of post-electoral stress-induced psychosomatic  disorder, with a low chance of resulting in permanent  psychedelic hallucinations. He needs Jegamycin every four years.”

    Former Finance Minister Ngozi Okonjo – Iweala , according to sources, has been busy compiling what she believes to be evidence that will exonerate her whenever she is called upon to explain some strange transactions under her watch. She was not just running the Ministry of Finance; she was our first-ever Coordinating minister for the Economy, an economy that has now been found to have been shredded by sheer greed and avarice of wicked public officials.

    Now we are told that $1.2b was illegally withdrawn from the Excess Crude Account, the Nigerian Ports Authority (NPA) earned N162b in one year but remitted only N2b to the treasury (no questions, no sanctions) and the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) withheld N3.8tr between 2012 and this year. There are more, including  the $6b, allegedly stolen by former ministers and the N109.7b oil firms royalty, which the Department of Petroleum Resources(DPR) did not send to the treasury. Where was the minister?

    Musiliu Obanikoro thought being a minister was going to be a life-long job from which retirement could never be contemplated. He spoke like a mafia boss whose  fiefdom extended from Benin to Birnin Kebbi and Aladja to Hadejia. Buoyed by a platoon of soldiers, he personally stormed the site of a housing project in Lagos to stop the work. In Ekiti, he told an army General – General indeed – to follow the election rigging script prepared in Abuja or risk not being promoted. The poor officer – the kind the late songster, Fela Anikulapo-Kuti, called Zombie – succumbed to Obanikoro’s antics and turned into a one-sided war a civilian affair that should have been a celebration of democracy.

    A few days ago, Koro, as his associates call him, was at a birthday party in Lagos. When his name was announced as one of the guests, many shook their heads – perhaps in pity or admiration or both. One couldn’t really say.

    Godswill Akpabio, the former governor of Akwa Ibom State, is now the Senate Minority Leader. Even before the upper chamber begins the very sober work of making laws for the growth of our dear country, it is glaring that we are headed for “an uncommon transformation”, the type that Akwa Ibomites savoured for eight years. Consider this: in just two months, despite passing no bills and going on recess for several days, Senators and House members have shared N12.9b. Just like that.

    Where is former Delta State Governor Emmanuel Uduaghan? A source told me the other day that His Excellency was away in London for the Wimbledon tennis fiesta. That immediately brought back memories of the Governors Forum election in which Uduaghan was an umpire or an electoral officer (as seen in the video). He later described his role as that of an agent. Fine.

    That election, you will recall, ended in a fiasco when some governors said the man who scored 16 votes had beaten the one who scored 19. Governors then became the subject of beer parlour jokes. There was one in which a father asked his little son:  “Which is bigger between 19 and 16?” The son replied: “16”. The dad retorted: “Who told you so?” “ Our governor said so on television,” the boy replied. The dad burst into laughter.

    Ex-international soccer star and Jonathan campaigner Joseph Yobo has not been seen in public since the May 29 electoral defeat of his favourite. A source said he was away in Europe on holiday. Another swore that the former Eagles captain remained in Lagos, enjoying his bountiful harvest from the recent political season.

    Abba Moro, the former Interior minister who was behind the tragic Immigration jobs scam, was one of the powerful members of the Jonathan cabinet. No fewer than 20 youths whose only offence was that they wanted a job died in that bloody exercise. Moro, against all expectations, retained his job. Besides, there was no refund of the about N520m collected from the applicants. He asked Nigerians to consider the tragedy an accident. We did just so?

    Moro, going by reports, has put it all behind him. He has forgiven those who insisted that he must carry the can for that inhumanity. A few days ago, a grand reception was held in his honour in his hometown of Ugbokolo, Benue State where he gleefully announced that contrary to the rumour in circulation, he was not arrested for allegedly stealing N21b. He said the purveyors of the rumour wanted to tarnish his record as he never held the purse stringThere you have it, reader. A good debate topic: what maketh a good record?

    So much for our former men of power.

     

  • Buhari hosts Obasanjo

    Buhari hosts Obasanjo

    It is no longer news that former President Olusegun Obasanjo visited President Muhammadu Buhari at the Villa in Abuja. Reporters were eager to find out details of the meeting. They got little.

    There was, however, a general agreement that it was a friendly visit because, according to an experienced reporter with a remarkable perspective in such matters, Obasanjo would have fired a letter instead of visiting, if he was up in arms against the President.

    What did the two leaders discuss? One week after the meeting, there is still no statement about the details, giving room to speculations, some of them modest; others wild and clearly off the mark. Never one to leave its loyal readers in the lurch, Editorial Notebook went in search of its sources. One of them, “a usually reliable source” who swore by his new pair of trousers that he got his information from an uncle of his who is close to the aunt of a gardener who once served at the Villa, recounted the encounter. There was, however, no independent confirmation of his account, which, nevertheless, goes thus:

    A group of presidential aides welcomes Obasanjo, who walks in briskly, holding his agbada with one hand. The President comes out to receive him. Buhari stops as soon as he gets close, standing erect, his two hands firmly clasped by his sides.

    “Moin sir. You’re welcome. So good to see you.”

    Obasanjo: Relax, my president. It’s so good to see you again. You’re looking so fit. The work load is not showing at all. I’m happy to see you.

    They stroll leisurely into a living room. Buhari announces that the duo would like to be left alone as this is a private meeting. The room cleared, they begin to talk.

    Obasanjo: Hmmm…hum (He clears his throat, his eyes gleaning with satisfaction). My President, once again, I thank you for giving me this audience. My God will honour you. I have come to – in fulfilment of my promise not to leave you alone – listen to your experience so far and offer some advice, some tips on how to get it right. But, let me confess to you, so far so good. That is my verdict. And that is the opinion of many Nigerians, reasonable Nigerians o; the ones that I have met here and overseas. Thank you.

    Buhari: Sir, I thank you for finding the time to come. It is my pleasure to welcome you. I had thought you would be here before I travelled to the U.S, but it’s okay. It was a very rewarding trip. The Americans are willing to help us recover all the money that was stolen, but they insist we must punish the thieves and stop impunity in all areas of our lives – the public sector, the military and all that.

    Obasanjo: That’s good. Somebody, one reporter was telling me the other day that you were told to ensure that those indicted in the Halliburton scandal are punished. The stupid boy was saying it was during my time that that happened. I told him “yes; it happened during my time. Was I involved; what’s my own?” I don’t even know what Halliburton was doing here. He was saying the only gap was that I didn’t bring the officials involved to justice. Ah! See me see trouble o. Is it my duty to take people to court? I almost got angry.

    You have spent a few days in office and they have started calling you Baba Go Slow. Don’t mind them; take your time and get it right. Nobody can please us.

    Buhari: My predecessor, Dr Jonathan was also here the other day to talk about all these issues. I think people have seen the direction of our government, that we are ready to recover all the stolen money. They have seen the operation we are doing in the oil sector and they are worried that …

    Obasanjo cuts in. Mr President, you are right o. I read that Jonathan came in here in the night. What was he looking for in the night? I heard that he came to plead with you to spare some of his people, his former aides, ministers and the rest of them. Please, apply wisdom o. There is no need to have mercy when you’re fighting corruption. If you drop your guard, you will be ambushed. Corruption will surely fight back and when it does you’ll be powerless.

    You know I started it all. I put that boy there…eemm …emmm …Nuhu. Ribadu. But then he got consumed by the politics of the job and later the job of politics got the better part of him. See what we have today.

    In fact, I read that Jona said he was hearing some of the cases for the first time. I laugh. Didn’t I tell him that people were misbehaving? What did he do? Instead of facing the reality, he was talking about elders who speak like motor park touts. You see, any young man who says an elder’s mouth is smelly, e go see wein.

    Today you say people are not stealing; they are only corrupt. Tomorrow you lecture us on the difference between stealing and corruption. Haba! Now, the chicken has come home to roost and people are running up and down.

    Buhari: It is true he was here Sir. We had useful discussions. I think people are afraid that they will be persecuted. And I have said it several times that we will not witch-hunt anybody.

    Again, Obasanjo cuts him, raising his right hand and shifting in his seat.

    You’re right. Many of them have come to Abeokuta to see me. They would like me to intervene on their behalf. And I looked at them and smiled. I am no more a politician; I’m now a statesman. They just won’t understand. And as a statesman, Nigeria is my party. I can’t protect you if you have hurt Nigeria, I am ready – if you’re ready –to go konko bilo with you. If you must face justice, dat na your toro. Soon, I will start walking them out.

    Buhari: Dr Jonathan himself is surprised at the magnitude of the corruption we are talking about. He said he didn’t know that so much was going on. He said he was always warning his people to stay away from corruption.

    Obasanjo (shaking his head and smiling): They should stay away from corruption and embrace stealing? If you, as the head, are not aware that your people were having a bazaar, then you don’t know anything. Now alarm don blow and you’re running like a headless chicken. What nonsense is that? I have always said it, that girl …emm …emm… Ngozi; Okonjo-Iweala, who worked for me is different from the one who worked for Jonathan. I knew how to manage her.

    People have accused me of not apologising to Nigerians for, as they say, giving them Yar’Adua and Jonathan. And I have always said, ‘me, apologise? Apology my foot. I am not an oracle. Besides, you can get a job for a man,  appointed, elected, selected or any how, but you can’t do it for him’. There is a good saying that if you want to know how anybody will perform, put him in a position of power or put money into his hand. Then, siddon look, watch him.

    (Buhari keeps nodding – obviously in agreement. He frowns, his closed lips shrunk in a manner that shows disgust).

    And the Boko Haram matter?

    Buhari : We are doing fine sir. I think the group is losing it. Now they attack remote villages and use suicide bombers. We are finding a way round that and very soon our efforts will begin to yield fruits. We are on course. I am still trying to find out how an army that was well respected became a weakling that couldn’t handle this domestic issue. Allah willing, we will crush the insurgents.

    Obasanjo: When I told the other man to be systematic about this matter, he was angry, saying all sorts of jagbajantics. I said, ‘listen to me, young man. You may have been small during the war, the civil war. So, take our experience and use it. You have to use carrot and stick’. He didn’t listen. His boys went after me; they ignored the message and started crying like foolish housewives: ‘What does Obasanjo want?’ They thought they could embarrass me; nobody can embarrass Obasanjo. Never.

    Buhari: We have no intention of embarrassing any Nigerian. We have done a lot of work and very soon the trial of all those who stole money will begin. We  must recover every kobo.

    Obasanjo (he stands up, ready to go): Once again, I thank you for this audience and I pray that God will give you wisdom to run this show well well. Sai anjuma.

       Buhari: Asoka lafia. Safe journey, sir.

     

     

     Fanks WAEC

    Some bad news from the West African Examinations Council (WAEC) – 61.32% failed to pass English and mathematics in the last School Certificate Examinations (WASSCE).  Of the 1,593,442 candidates who took the examinations, only 616,370 got credit passes in five subjects.

    Without a credit in English and mathematics, going to the university will be a mere dream. Who carries the can? Not WAEC. Definitely.  So, where lies the fault? English is the only language in many homes, including where the parents never went to school. This, in my view, is the problem.

    I am sure Prof. Wole Soyinka, the Nobel laureate, would not have been such a fantastic writer if he had not been well grounded in Yoruba. Neither would the late Prof. Chinua Achebe have been great if he had no deep understanding of Igbo language and culture.

    For today’s kids, the Azonto generation, knowledge begins and ends on Facebook, Wechat, Whatsapp, 2go and all that. They– many of them, I dare say – speak English effortlessly, but, given a pen to write, they start sweating. They watch movies as if their future depends on them. Their ears are permanently wired to pop music – Shakiti Bobo.

    Many have sought solace in the wide corruption of the English language to which the Smartphone offers a platform. Consider this from a friend’s younger brother: Hi. Gud am. Howz work? And fanks for the other day. May dis wk bring joy nd blessings 2ur home, family and luvd 1s.May Almighty grant your innermost @ desire. Oluwa is highly involved. Plz don forget to roja ya kid bro o. Luv uuuuu!

    To WAEC, I say fanks for giving us, once again, a wake-up call on the need to tackle some of the problems of our children’s education. Thanks.