The Nation Newspaper

Category: Gbenga Omotoso

Where are they now?

We knew we were going to miss them, but nobody thought it would be this early. We miss their flamboyance, garrulity and exuberance. I speak of no other than some of the men who until recently were in charge at various levels of the country’s affairs.

But this is not to say that they have all vanished from the scene. No. Take, for instance, the former Zamfara State Governor, the distinguished Senator Ahmed Sani Yerima. Nothing was heard of him for a long time, until he moved the motion to nominate former Kwara State Governor Bukola Saraki for Senate president.

His seemingly long hibernation had given room to various speculations, with some analysts claiming authoritatively that the politician was away in some overseas institution to study how to reinvigorate the waning sharia fire he sparked off with remarkable festivity.

Many would recall the picture of the thief, Jangedi whose arm was sawn off for stealing a cow. Asked how he felt after he had lost an arm, Jangedi replied that he was excited because sharia had at last become a reality – thanks to Yerima’s dedication, which some analysts described as fanaticism.

Others, without facts, insisted that Yerima had gone on a long overdue honeymoon after his highly contentious marriage to a minor, who activists described as a 13-year-old daughter of an Egyptian taxi-cab driver. Yerima, not one to run away from a fight, you will recall, defended his right. He told the army of child rights campaigners to prove that his bride was indeed a minor. “If you say we’re are wrong, tell us the truth,” the activists demanded of the senator. Instead of replying the innocuous question, Yerima mounted a legal battle for a perpetual injunction to halt what he described as a blatant abuse of his rights. Smart guy. Ever since, all has been quiet. Nobody has gone to get the injunction lifted and the senator has been enjoying without hindrances all the rights and privileges of a new groom and, needless to say, performing all the duties that go with such perquisites.

Ali Modu Sherriff was indisputably the godfather of Borno politics. At the height of the Boko Haram insurgency, the push for him to be questioned was relentless. But, the authorities could not summon the courage to take him in for questioning. Instead, they pampered the former governor like a new baby. The Maiduguri airport that was shut down after Boko Haram insurgents violated it was often opened for Sheriff’s flights to land. As soon as he left, the airport would be shut again. Governor Kashim Shettima was never that lucky. He drove all the way to Abuja and back whenever he had to visit the capital city. Such was the royal pleasure Sheriff enjoyed in the Goodluck Jonathan administration.

So privileged was Sheriff that he sat at a meeting between former President Jonathan and Chadian President Idris Derby in N’djamena. The bilateral talks centred on how to stop Boko Haram’s bloody campaign.

Some dubious youths posing as mediators between the government and the fanatical sect were said to have got millions of dollars for their ‘fruitless’ exertion. By the way, where are the suspects the Department of State Service (DSS) arrested? My apology for the digression.

Sheriff’s presence at the meeting aforementioned became a subject of political and scholastic disputations. Why was he at the talks? Does he know, as being speculated, something about Boko Haram? Is the government hiding something from the public? The questions were many. To date, they remain unanswered. Now, Sheriff, who lost his firm grip on Borno politics, has been quiet. He is said to have gone back to his first love – ‘trading’ in dry fish and other commodities ferried across the borders in long trucks.

Jelili Adeshiyan (remember him?) was Jonathan’s robustious Police Affairs minister. He once granted an interview in which he denied hitting former Osun State Governor Isiaka Adeleke during a row among Peoples Democratic Party(PDP) stalwarts. His upper cut, he swore, would have landed Serubawon (scare them stiff) in the hospital. In fact, he vowed that after leaving office as minister, he would hunt for Adeleke and beat him up.

Adeshiyan is yet to fulfil his vow, perhaps because Adeleke has been away in Abuja, ensconced in the Senate where only members are allowed to, occasionally, test their pugilistic skills.

The former minister, a source said, has since returned to Osun from where he leapt from obscurity to the national stage, turning the police into an electoral tool of the PDP to be deployed into service in Ekiti and Osun.

Chief E.K. Clark, the Ijaw leader, was a vociferous supporter of former President Jonathan. He was a regular caller at the Presidential Villa. He travelled far and wide to campaign for a fresh term for Jonathan whose praise he sang to high heavens. After Jonathan lost the election, the old man retreated to his Abuja abode. In no time, reporters found him and asked him to comment on that election. Clark retorted: “You want me to die because Jonathan lost the election? I won’t die.”

The chief, who has since congratulated President Muhammadu Buhari, urging Nigerians to co-operate with him, has found a new vocation in his Edwin Clark University, Kiagbodo, Delta State, which he decided on his 85th birthday to set up as his legacy. By the way, Clark used to be a teacher who became a headmaster. Now, there is little time for Ijaw activism.

My friend Reuben Abati and I spoke on the phone a fortnight ago. He was upbeat . “I’m jobless o,” he said excitedly, adding; “ Put it in your paper. Reuben Abati, Phd, MA, LLB, Oxford – trained; looking for a job. What kind of country is this?”

Abati was really busy as presidential spokesman. Since he left- lost – the job, those condolences after Boko Haram killings have been coming in trickles. It was so tough that I once suggested on this page that a minister should be named for that purpose to free Abati from such mundane matters.

So there you have it – Abati is up for hire.

Former Benue State Governor Gabriel Suswam dropped his bid for a Senate seat after being trounced by Barnabas Gemade of the All Progressives Congress (APC) and went overseas for what he said was a long overdue health check and vacation. From the blues came the news that the police had arrested His Excellency for alleged wife battery and that he was being detained by the UK police.

Many, who never cared to confirm the report, began to give it their own perspectives. Some said the former governor was suffering from some Post-electoral Defeat Psychosis (PeDP) that induced a strange and unrestrained aggression in his behaviour. Others simply said it was all a kind of depression that would soon subside.

Thankfully, Suswam issued a press release debunking the allegations as “full of mischief and aimed at slandering me and my dear wife”. The former governor remains in the UK– with his wife.

Former Oil Minister Diezani Alison-Madueke has not been seen in public since Jonathan lost the election. Not even the flood of allegations of multi-billion naira – sorry, a slip there – multi-billion dollar – frauds in the sector would attract madam’s comment.

But there have been speculations on her health. Some reports said Mrs Alison-Madueke had been hospitalised in London for some serious but undisclosed ailment. Others said she had been taking a well-deserved holiday. But many have been asking: When did the former minister fall ill? If the Jonathan administration left the stage on May 29 and she was around shortly before then – unconfirmed reports said she was among those urging Jonathan not to throw in the towel – when did she fall ill? What is the nature of the illness? Is it all a facade to avoid being called to account for her turbulent tenure at the oil ministry? We really can’t tell.

All has been quiet in the Northern Governors’ Forum since former Niger State Governor Babangida Aliyu quit its chairmanship. He was up in arms with Jonathan for contemplating a second term. He said the former president actually signed an agreement that he would spend one term. Pressed to show the paper, Aliyu said it was with a Southsouth governor. Now that it is all over, will Talba Minna show the paper – at least for the record?

His successor, Alhaji Abubakar Sani Bello, has been asking Aliyu, who cherished his adopted populist title of Chief Servant, to return the N2.9b he allegedly collected from the treasury and shared among top government officials on the eve of his departure.

The ex-governor’s spokesman has described the allegation as false, even as Bello insists the money, which was said to have been obtained as a loan, must be returned to the treasury. Aliyu is said to be away in London for a well-earned rest.

There are many other public figures whose whereabouts are of public interest.

Dr Akinwunmi Adesina, the former Agriculture minister, is now African Development Bank (AFDB) president. A little bird tells me he plans to yield to the clamour by many countries for the miracle of the cassava bread that has made breakfast such a remarkable culinary delight in Nigeria.

They deserve to be remembered quite often. Don’t they?

August 6, 2015
An anti-graft war advisory

Poor Sule Lamido. After an eight-year remarkable tenure as governor of Jigawa State, which he, by sheer grit, transformed from a rustic community of farmers, building roads, schools and a beautiful airport, he has been arraigned before a court for alleged corruption. His fans- and foes- are wondering how and when he crossed the line – if the allegations are, indeed, true.

He was asked to be remanded in prison custody. Apparently exasperated by it all, Lamido exclaimed: “So I’m now a prisoner?” The Jagoran Talakawa (friend of the poor) is, thankfully, now on bail.

Lamido is not alone. Former Imo Governor Ikedi Ohakim, former Head of Service Steve Oronsaye and former Adamawa Governor Murtala Nyako have all just returned from the court.

Apparently scared that this could be their lot, considering the reconnaissance of the Dr Goodluck Jonathan administration by the tactful Muhammadu Buhari presidency, many dignitaries have bombarded “Editorial Notebook” for a confidential advisory on how to go through it all. It will, in my view, be unfair to make such a critical document secret, considering the sheer number of our compatriots who will soon find it exceedingly useful.

Here we go: Merely taking you before the court – if you fail to get a perpetual injunction against the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC), its agents, privies, officers, operatives or whatsoever called, who may wish to investigate you from so doing – does not make you a prisoner. Be ready to shell out a fortune – obviously a small fraction of the cash they claim you have stolen – to get a damn good lawyer, a Senior Advocate of Nigeria (SAN). There are many of them in town nowadays. Your adversary, the tempestuous EFCC, cannot afford them.

When you are remanded, don’t panic and give your traducers a chance to say: “Oh; he’s finished.” Remember, the offence, no matter how huge the cash involved, is bailable. In fact, the charges may be as long as the Lagos-Ibadan Expressway. Never mind; as the case progresses, they may be withdrawn, amended or consolidated into one or two.

Bail will come in very liberal terms: N400m and a surety who must be a senior civil servant. He or she must own a property in Abuja (Is there any senior government official worth his seat who doesn’t own a choice property in that seductive city?) or be a National Award recipient– there are all manner of people (leaders and looters) who are proud honorees, you know. If the judge is the liberal type, he may just let you go on self-recognition.

When the case proper begins, your lawyer will tell the judge he has no jurisdiction to entertain the matter. The judge could be stubborn. He may fix a date to determine his jurisdiction and, in actual fact, rule that he is fit to hear the matter. Don’t fret. Your lawyer will simply head for the ever-busy Court of Appeal. This, no doubt, will take months to resolve. The appeal may be decided, most likely against you. Be strong; it is a temporary setback (if you see it as a setback o). Remember, it is basic in law that you are innocent, until proven guilty. In fact, your lawyer should tell you that Actus non facit reum nisi mens sit rea (The act does not make a person guilty unless the mind is also guilty).

Another judge will naturally take over the case. A plea is taken – “Are you guilty or not?” Be firm in replying: “Not guilty at all, my Lord.” Your SAN will then raise a preliminary objection, saying again that His Lordship has no jurisdiction to hear the matter. “The offence was not committed in Abuja,” he will tell the court, “and the money involved is, after all, not the Federal Government’s.” Besides, no prima facie case has been established against you, the lawyer will say confidently.

As the case wends its way through, never forget you’re a politician, not a criminal. Never. Fight for your party’s ticket to run for governor (don’t mind the cost). If you win the election, the case automatically goes into the cooler for at least the next four years. If you are the considerate type, you can listen to the pleas of the good people of your dear state to serve for four more years. By the time you finish – you can run for Senate o – the case file would have been missing. Don’t arrange for the judge to get beaten up and his robe torn and the court documents shredded and the court premises shut down. No need for all that as people will call you, a honorable man, names.

If the authorities dare to revive it all, your lawyer will simply make a no-case submission, insisting that the prosecution has no case against you and that you, ipso facto, should be compensated for the ordeal of being brought before the court.

If your lawyer is the theatrical type, he can muddy the waters. He will spring up to his feet, adjust his gown, frown, gesticulate like a Nollywood wannabe and tell the judge: “Objection, my Lord. I have an objection. We have filed a motion, which is fundamental to the very essence of this case, from which we believe you should excuse yourself. We can smell some bias, with due respect, my Lord.”

Shocked, the judge will begin to put up a defence. “Me, biased? How?” He will then fix a long adjournment date. Again, you have been saved by the bell. When the date comes, his lordship will simply announce that since your lawyer has raised the issue of bias, he has returned the file to the Chief Judge for reassignment. Go home and relax as the court, which has its hands full of urgent matters, will not give a date so soon.

Outside the court, your supporters will bear big placards attesting to your integrity and notifying the world that you are being persecuted because of your political beliefs. Some of the placards will read: “Leave our hero alone. He is not a thief”; “EFCC, is your money missing?”; “Our man is not guilty. This is politics taken too far”; “It is better for 1000 criminals to go free than to have an innocent man punished”.

Of course, an army of television cameramen and newspaper photographers will be there to record the scene for all, especially your supporters who may not be able to join the solidarity bus to Abuja and those political enemies of yours who pray fervently for your downfall.

As the case progresses (with another judge taking charge), if your lawyer perceives that it could be against you, he will so inform you. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be petrified, do not be discouraged.” Isn’t that what the holy book demands of us? Besides, there is a way out.

Your lawyer will seek your permission to go into settlement talks with the prosecution. It is called plea bargain. An agreement will be drawn up. You will be required to give up some of the property you have acquired in exchange for your freedom. A filling station here, a mansion there and a shopping complex in the heart of the city. Just a few.

The judge may also ask you to pay a fine, usually the kind of cash you can easily ask your driver to whip out of the car trunk. Your detractors will call it a slap on the wrist, never mind; that’s their problem.

Freedom–at last. Get some rest and at the weekend storm your hometown in a long motorcade of exotic vehicles. A grand reception should be awaiting your arrival, with the community’s best musician on the band stand. Push the boat out. Flood the gathering with choice drinks. Let there be plenty of food as if it is Christmas Day. Remember the sumptuosity of it all is a reflection of your status.

Deliver a moving speech, thanking your people for standing by you all the way. All are not thieves whom the dogs bark at, you will say in an emotional voice. To your opponents, be magnanimous. Tell them you have forgiven all, that you harbour no malice against anyone and that you see your ordeal as the price you needed to pay for agreeing to serve your people. I assure you there will be a deafening ovation from the appreciative crowd of youths, elders and common folks.

On Sunday, storm the church with your army of supporters for a welcome/thanksgiving service. The sermon is quite predictable. The man of God will admonish the congregation to always embrace truth and service, adding that no matter how rough things are, the truth will surely prevail.

When it is time to dance up to the alter for the priest’s blessings, you can request for a popular local song, something like this: “O ti mu mi gbagbe o, ibanuje igba kan, A se were ni’se Oluwa, oba ti mo pe t’onje. A se were ni’se Oluwa, oba ti mo pe t’onje.” (He has made me to forget the sadness of the past. God’s work is timely. He is the king that I call and he answers.)

To shame those who mocked you, you can then request to have that chieftaincy title you shunned because of your modesty.

All rights reserved. No part of this advisory may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission of the copyright holder.

July 23, 2015
Nuts and bolts of leadership

I sympathise with President Muhammadu Buhari. His is a tough job. He is just a few weeks on the job, but the daily buffets of criticisms have made it look as if he has been there for years.

Harangued for being “slow”, he is expected to clear a 16-year mess in days. I disagree. Isn’t this a marathon and not a speedster’s 100 metres dash?

But, to be sincere, the President gave room for some of the recriminations. For instance, he is blamed for allowing the National Assembly crisis to fester after claiming rather incredulously that he had no interest in who runs the show. By the time he realised that it was in his interest to show interest in the matter, the renegades had dug in so deep they could not be stopped.

All Buhari could do was to scream “party supremacy” and tell the recalcitrant lawmakers to “pocket their ambitions”, ambitions that are already too big for their deep pockets. But that, to the small assemblage of draculas, buccaneers and barracudas of National Assembly politics who do not take hostages, is a mere slap on the wrist. In fact, Yakubu Dogara, the House Speaker, in a petulant manner, launched into an academic exertion on the etymology of “party supremacy”, insisting that it is no match for “people’s supremacy”. Insolence? More like it.

If Buhari really believes in party supremacy, what has he done to enforce it? Or does he believe –this thought I shudder to harbour – as some people with little or no knowledge of the issues that the revolt in the National Assembly is a mortification of Asiwaju Bola Tinubu? No. Never. It is rather the humiliation of the party –what some pundits have described as a game of party politics versus politics of the party, a foreshadow of the party’s destruction. Will Buhari allow this to happen?

The President has, in fairness, acknowledged the fact that the battle has been won but the war could be lost. So, when will he move to clear the clouds and avert the threatening deluge?

The lesson of it all: a leader must not prevaricate and procrastinate. No ambiguities. Say what you mean, mean what you say and insist on it. Never speak to impress – your subordinates may latch onto this to misbehave. Be swift as an arrow once you are sure of what you want. Be firm and stay firm. This is called principle. Those saying ankali, ankali do not necessarily get it right all the time. Do they?

Now, those critics – gourmands, I swear – who say Buhari, because of his slim-and-trim diet-frame (they ascribe this to his ascetic culinary taste, as if they are familiar with the intricacies of presidential meals-preparation) will lack compassion for starving workers are now eating their word. States have N713.7b for workers’ long overdue salaries and there is joy in the land.

Even before she quit the stage, among her fans governors could not be counted. She was no fan of theirs either. She kept on saying the economy was in fine fettle even as the cash coming from the treasury was in trickles. Pressed to explain why there was always little to share, she blamed it all on oil theft. When the then Central Bank Governor, Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, who is now the Emir of Kano, alleged that some $20b oil earnings were not remitted to the treasury by the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), he was surreptitiously fired. She set up a panel that said only $10b was missing and that there was, in fact, no need to worry as a thorough check of the troubled oil giant’s books will clear the air. Accounting experts PriceWaterCoopers couldn’t resolve the matter as it got no co-operation from the officials. It issued a report that raised more questions than it set out to resolve about the NNPC’s integrity.

As the drama continued, Dr Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, two-time Finance minister – she bagged the foreign portfolio in-between – and former Co-ordinating minister for the Economy, pulled another trick that got them all excited. Enter rebasing. She caused deployment of some figures – jumbled, some people mumbled – and announced with the excitement of a royal birth that Nigeria’s economy had become Africa’s number one, ahead of South Africa and the others. Ah! The wonders of figures.

Many Nigerians couldn’t understand why this could not reflect on their living conditions. Salaries were slow where they came at all, the infrastructure deficit was alarming and poverty remained a monster.

Okonjo wahala, governors have alleged, once said the Excess Crude Account had over $4b. When they discovered that it had, in fact, as low as $2.1b, the former minister washed her hands of it. “Go ask your commissioners,” she told the governors.

The commissioners have said they never agreed that the cash should be shared. Madam has said she never told us that the Federal Accounts Allocation Committee (FAAC) agreed to share the money. Now, a panel of governors is probing what happened to the money. I wish them good luck.

The lesson for leaders: No obfuscation. Be consistent. You must be open, especially when you are dealing with facts and figures. Otherwise, you will be called a liar and, if you do not move fast, you will be called a thief. Gone, remember, are the days of debates on the difference between stealing and corruption. In other words, the elite, the class to which you are fortunate to belong, will call you corrupt. To the blunt man in the street, you are just a thief. No elegance. No euphemism. The truth: neither is good.

Poor Stephen Okechukwu Keshi. I can bet the former Super Eagles coach never knew it would all end this way. He was fired for alleged disloyalty, among other reasons, which I won’t like to touch because he has taken his case to court. His is a typical hero-to-zero story which, you must note dear reader, is yet to end. Against all odds, he led the Eagles to win the 2013 African Cup of Nations in South Africa. The joy of the feat was great at home and overseas where many Nigerians jumped for joy that the giant of Africa had taken his rightful place.

Unfortunately, the excitement was short – like Nigeria’s electricity supply. Right there in South Africa, Keshi announced his resignation on a radio programme. Nigerians were shocked. Many said it was all blackmail. Were they right? Debatable. The coach graciously rescinded his decision when Dr Goodluck Jonathan, the former President, stepped in to stop the man of the moment from dumping our dear country after taking it to the apogee of its gains in the round leather game, winning a title that had eluded us for 19 years, despite our army of stars.

Keshi, the man with the egotistic nickname, “Big Boss”, plodded the hubristic path. He became uncontrollable; his employers were helpless. At a time, he boasted that six countries were scrambling to sign him on.

Then, fate supervened. The team’s fortune crashed, like the naira in the forex market. The defending champion missed the next edition of the Cup of Nations. The soccer world was perplexed. The Super Eagles were derided as big-for-nothing Super Chickens. The team became the subject of beer parlour jokes, such as this:

“A judge in a divorce suit asked the child, a little boy, who he would like to stay with. “You want to stay with your dad?” Son: No sir; he always beats me. Judge: Will you then stay with your mum? Son: No sir; she also beats me.

Judge: Who then will you stay with?” The boy replied: “Super Eagles.”

Surprised, the judge asked: “Why?” and the boy replied: “They don’t beat anybody.”

But Keshi, being Keshi, would neither be humbled nor hobbled by it all. He was accused of flirting with Cote d’Ivoire even as the Nigeria Football Federation (NFF) was battling to rebuild the team. Unable to take it anymore, the NFF rediscovered itself and became courageous. Keshi got the boot. Fired.

The lesson: A leader must know when to quit – when the ovation is loudest, they say. Pride, say the age-old adage, goes before a fall. No self-conceit. Humility pays. Loyalty is key; your loyalty must never be questionable. Besides, be patriotic and keep your tongue in check; no loose words.

President Buhari drew the ire of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) when he appointed Mrs Amina Zakari as acting chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC). The opposition party alleged that Mrs Zakari’s appointment was influenced by “personal relationship with the Presidency and a governor in the Northwest”. PDP spokesman Olisa Metuh should have given more facts to sound convincing. I trust Femi Fani-Kayode, the one who is now known and addressed as Femi Olukayode after he got off the hook in a money laundering case, would have done better.

Anyway, Prof. Attahiru Jega has left INEC amid praises for a great job. He left us some lessons. Integrity is a must possession ; it is the only foundation upon which a solid tenure can be erected. A leader must have a strong chin for blows. He or she must be cool and calm in the face of clear threats – remember the Elder Godsday Orubebe hysteria? He must be sober as a judge and, above all, a leader must be transparent and be seen to be so.

Isn’t that the difference between a leader and a boss?

July 9, 2015
A guide to the new austerity

WHAT does an empty treasury look like?

Ask President Muhammadu Buhari. He has just seen one. “The treasury is virtually empty,” he told reporters on Monday, adding that it is a shame that Nigeria can’t pay its workers.

Well said. The situation has been this horrendous since the dying days of the Dr Goodluck Jonathan administration when oil prices kept tumbling and the desperation to remain in power drove Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) leaders and their collaborators to launch a terrific assault on the treasury, hitting it so hard, like a heavyweight pro boxer tearing away in a street brawl. Reckless.

Everywhere you turn, there are talks of debts, huge debts that will take generations to repay. Millionaires are facing extinction. The figures come in billions nowadays. Delta State is said to be owing N146.62b. Lagos is owing over N400b, Cross River (N28.29b), Bauchi, where Governor Mohammed Abubakar says he has recovered 25 cars from former Governor Isa Yuguda’s wives, has a debt of N17.51b and Enugu’s is said to be N13.79b. The other states’ debts come in various sizes.

How we got into this financial quagmire is a bit clear – massive looting of the treasury amid crashing oil prices, subsidy scam, oil swap fraud, poor budgetary calculations and sheer profligacy, among others. What isn’t clear is how we can get out of the mess threatening to mess up our lives?

As usual, the situation has spawned a bewildering army of charlatans and crooks posing as finance experts and turnaround surgeons. In other words, out of this crippling cash crisis has sprung a huge business for pranksters, fraudsters and tricksters. Scammers.

I ran into one the other day in Oyingbo, Lagos Mainland. A huge signboard proclaimed his presence. “A.J. Konigba, London-trained economist and receiver-manager. Liquidation and acquisition. Clearing and forwarding. Come one come all.”

What was meant to be a short comment of an expert turned into a treatise on leadership in times of financial paralysis as we now have. “How do we get out of this crushing cash crunch?” Our man chuckled excitedly, shook his head and adjusted his jacket, which seems not to have seen a drycleaner for ages. He cleared his throat in a manner that sent his reading table shaking. “President Buhari will have to lead by example by bringing down the cost of running the Villa,” he said, his voice booming in the badly-lit room.

“You see, young man, it is very easy. No more sumptuous state banquets where the menu is a great tribute to the home dishes of the guests, especially diplomats. If there must be one, the menu must be reviewed. No more Chinese dish; Teriyaki beef, stir fried Teriyaki chicken, chicken fingers, crab rangoons, chicken velvet, Wonton soup, cashew chicken, General T’so chicken, Moon Goo Gai Pan and all such stuff, including expensive shrimps – are shrimps not found here?

“Diplomats should be made to have a taste of our rich culinary culture. We can now have fura dunono instead of Quaker oats and tuwo shinkafa/tuwo masara instead of crispy Chinese rice. In place of canned milk, we can have kunun aya.”

As for drinks, it is all well that neither Buhari nor Vice President Yemi Osinbajo drinks. They are teetotallers. So, farewell to the days of Champagne and sparkling wines. Cristal. Bollinger. Armand de Brignac. Dom Perignon. These are some of the best money can buy, fit only for the sophisticated palates of our past leaders.

Unfortunately, local drinks are becoming unfriendly. No fewer than 70 people – still counting – have just died in Rivers State, of drinking ogogoro, the gin called kain kain or akpeteshi, push-me-I-push-you or Sapele water.

But then, there seems to be a bright side to the strange deaths. Sweet, said the bard, are the uses of adversity. Our scientists are rushing back to the lab, poring over materials in a remarkable cerebral exertion to find out why an age-old reliable merriment companion has suddenly turned an agent of death, killing scores. Now, we often hear of methanol, ethanol, methanal and all such exotic nomenclature. Suddenly, a drink that used to be the delight of the common man, helping him to extract his herbs, keeping away the biting riverside cold and simply getting him high has become the subject of discussions in government houses and academic circles.

A professor of chemistry, I am told, is busy seeking grants for his research into this strange phenomenon. The title of his work, said a source with an insight into what he vows will be a huge scientific breakthrough, is “ Nb504-calysed kinetics of ethanol esterification for reactive distillation process simulation in a local gin: A review.”

Social scientists are also busy, battling to explain the lethal situation. Why do people hit the bottle so hard, until it becomes a killer? Is ogogoro fighting back after decades of abuse? Is there some elite conspiracy against this traditional, home-made liquor? Any sense in placing a ban on ogogoro as being suggested in some uninformed circles in the cities? Hasn’t hunger killed more people than this innocent drink? Has anybody contemplated slamming a life ban on hunger? The researchers clearly have their job cut out for them.

Both the President and the Vice President are of moderate weight. Buhari is slim, rod-straight and tall. I recall the veteran journalist-turned-preacher Gbolabo Ogunsanwo drawing a parallel between Buhari’s waist and beauty queen Agbani Darego’s in one of his articles in The Comet, now rested. The thinking then in 1993 , he said, was that Nigerians might not vote Buhari who could sentence everybody to a diet that would banish obesity – a condition many see as a sign of affluence.

But, talking seriously, as part of the new belt-tightening measures, many of our public servants will have to reduce their weight – willy-nilly. Consider this hypothesis: Why should the President, slim and trim, have Service Chiefs who are rotund and portly? Obesity should have no place in military and paramilitary agencies.

A source told me the other day that Buhari would have loved to go after suspected treasury looters, seize them and throw them in detention where they will stay until they surrender their loot, but his associates keep telling him: “Ankali, ankali. You must respect the kanstituchan.”

I do not know now whether the process of recovering Nigeria’s cash will proceed apace, following the President’s announcement that he had secured the support of the West in the recovery drive. Some people are even said to have turned in some cash. When are we going to know who is holding what and who has returned what?

It is only fitting and proper that in the spirit of this austere season, the Senate has agreed to rework its N120b budget. That’s the spirit. This will be some image burnishing venture, coming after the upper chamber’s resentful election in which some members sought help from the rejected Peoples Democratic Party(PDP) to undermine the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC), placing it on a perilous path.

Besides, the National Assembly elections have turned the august body into a subject of beer parlour jokes. A colleague sent this: “A dad was flogging his wayward son who stole his money. He asked him to kneel down and raise his hands.

“You this bad boy. If you continue like this, you know where you will end up?” Before the dad could finish asking the question, the boy replied: “Yes; I know.” Surprised, the dad asked: “where?” and the boy replied: “National Assembly.”

In Kaduna, irascible Governor Nasir El-Rufai has cancelled Ramadan gifts, saying “super politicians” were getting the contracts, which became an avenue to steal, even as the masses did not feel the impact of the programme. Besides, he has cut his salary by 50 per cent, asking his appointees to do same.

An activist-lawyer, who pleaded not to be named because of what he called the security implications of the matter, told me last night of a huge, vociferous movement that is in the works. It will soon, according to the fellow, who I can confirm is not frivolous in any way, spring up in villages, towns and cities to demand a list of all those suspected to have had their fingers in the till. The battle cry will be, he said, “surrender the loot”.

Will you join?

June 25, 2015
Of change and strange agents

LET’S begin from the beginning. The foxy game of wits that has just ended somewhat at the National Assembly started as a small family dispute. It dragged on for days and weeks. After several attempts by elders and leaders to arrest it failed, it became an open brawl and the world was asking: where in the world is the President?

President Muhammadu Buhari was determined not to interfere in how the National Assembly chose its leaders, but the matter was like the fabled wasp on a sensitive part of the body; it had to be dispatched with tact. Wisdom.

By the time Buhari decided to intervene, the various actors in what has now become a major crisis shaking the faith of the ordinary man in the political class had already gone too far to return. The President called a 9a.m. meeting of All Progressives Congress (APC) lawmakers-elect and leaders to resolve the matter at the Conference Centre in Abuja. All was set, but he did not show up.

A few minutes away at the National Assembly, 57 senators-elect were already seated to get on with the business of formally opening the Eighth Senate. In less than 30 minutes they were done. Senator Bukola Saraki had been returned unopposed as Senate president.

He was nominated by Sani Ahmed Yerima (remember him?), the former Zamfara Governor who fought a vicious battle to keep his newest wife, the one who child rights advocates insisted was under aged and should, ipso facto, not be dragged into conjugal responsibility. Grinning through it all was, among many others, Godswill Akpabio – he is also a senator now – the immediate past governor of Akwa Ibom after whom the state’s multi-billion naira stadium has just been renamed by a grateful successor, among other prizes for his sacrifice of serving the state for eight long years.

Dino Melaye, the exuberant and excitable activist from Kogi State whose election is being hotly contested by Senator Smart Adeyemi, seconded the motion, picking his nose and smiling like a kindergarten undergraduate who has just got a pack of chocolates.

Now, let’s get it right from the outset. This is no attempt to pee in the champagne of all those toasting the emergence of Dr Saraki as Senate president and Yakubu Dogara as House of Representatives Speaker. No. Dr Saraki is qualified to be Senate president. No doubt about this. The process, many have observed, is the problem.

A lot of questions came up after the session. Why convene the Senate when over 50 senators-elect were waiting for the President? Was there a deliberate plot to disenfranchise these lawmakers-elect and shut them out of that critical decision? Any conspiracy from the top? If so, was – I shudder to think of this – President Buhari, who had earlier said he would not intervene in the matter – part of it? Why rush in with a cup of water when the roof was already on fire? Isn’t that taking the I-won’t- interfere-stance too far? Is this the true meaning of “I belong to nobody…”?

The answers, I am sure, lie in the belly of time.

There is also the argument that the Senate’s reliance on the number of those at the session to form a quorum was dubious. Why talk about a quorum when the Senate had not been formally opened for business? Couldn’t the officials have ensured that those 51 senators-elect attend the session by waiting a few minutes? Was the timing cast in iron?

The APC was furious, like a man who lost control of his home. In fact, the popular thinking is that the party has been overwhelmed by its internal contradictions. Seems so. It saw it all as an act of “indiscipline” and “ treachery”, vowing to punish all those involved.

The party was said to have met to pick its candidates for Senate President and Speaker of the House. Its decision was shredded by some members who connived with the PDP to bring about the present scenario. Talk about “the falcon no longer hearing the falconer”.

In some political circles, the scene at the Senate is being viewed as a prelude to the rebuilding of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), a party that has been in disarray since it lost the general elections after running–and ruining–the country like a disorganised motor park, hurting the treasury in a manner beyond comprehension and sending many into poverty and darkness. Now, a PDP chief, Ike Ekweremadu, is the Deputy Senate President. Will he also be part of the change agenda? Strange, indeed, are the ingredients of change and its agents.

President Buhari issued a tepid statement, saying although he would have preferred that the election – selection, if you like – followed the party’s recommendation, he was pleased that a “somewhat democratic” process had occurred. Sophistry? Somehow. Somewhat.

But Itse Sagay, the respected Law professor, has disagreed with those toasting the Senate election. He said yesterday on TVC: “There are two ways of looking at it, that is from the moral point of view and legal or constitutional point of view.

“If you look at the moral point of view, the purported election was fraudulent. When you purport to hold an election deliberately in the absence of your opponent, knowing that he is absent and intending to win at any cost unopposed by ensuring that absence, that constitutes fraud and not only that, I think it is an act of gross indiscipline, not just against the party but against the whole country because we are all stakeholders in the electoral process in who becomes President of Senate. We all felt cheated because there was no proper election.

“Again it is also an act of gross impunity because in a setting he was saying, ‘I know my opponent is keenly interested in contesting; I know my opponent is not here yet and, therefore, I will rush an election in his absence in order to be certain of victory at any cost. So, it is absolutely unacceptable in a decent democracy.”

Sagay’s verdict is not just a commentary on the Senate matter, it is a biting indictment of our political class – rude and crude. I agree with the eminent scholar.

Elsewhere in the land, the change era has been manifesting in many ways. In Rivers State, where scores of people have just died after consuming a local gin, Ogogoro, the one also called akpeteshi or “push-me-I-push you” and “Sapele water”, Governor Nyesom Wike has been sulking about the state of affairs. He says his predecessor Rotimi Chibuike Amaechi looted the Government House of furniture, including television sets, chairs and cutlery sets. He took people round the facility and released some photographs to the media. Amaechi disagreed. He also released pictures of the state of the facility before he left. Everything was glittering. Who should we believe? Will His Excellency consider setting up a panel to find out the immediate and remote causes of this disagreement in order to prevent a recurrence?

How times change. Former Niger Governor Mu’azu Babangida Aliyu must have recovered now from the shock he got at the Bako Kotangora Stadium in Minna where his successor, Alhaji Abubakar Sani Bello, was taking the oath of office. He was booed and pelted with all manner of objects, including water sachets. Soldiers and other security agents formed a ring around him, fired teargas canisters to scare away the mob and ferried him and his wife out of danger.

Not to be left out in this season of change is the Federal Ministry of the Environment, which is set to suspend the N9.2b clean cook stoves contract. The contractor has collected N1.3b, but the ministry says it has failed to meet the deadline. Should the contract be just suspended? I think it should be terminated – if the spirit of change must endure – because it symbolises the profligacy and misplaced priority of the past.

So much for change and its strange agents.

June 11, 2015
OSUN AND ITS TRADUCERS

OSUN State Governor Rauf Aregbesola’s administration has been under attack for not paying workers’ salaries. The state is not alone in this financial quagmire. Rivers, Abia, Akwa Ibom, Bauchi, Cross River, Benue, Ekiti, Imo, Jigawa, Kano, Katsina, Kogi, Ogun, Ondo, Oyo, Plateau and Zamfara are also in the same boat. For the helpless workers, the trauma is so much. They deserve praises for their perseverance. My sympathy. They seem to understand that Ogbeni Rauf has not diverted state funds into his pocket; it is the crash in allocation from the federal purse that has shattered the state’s finances, making it difficult for it to meet its obligations.

If the workers are showing understanding, not so some politicians and writers. I read one article at the weekend in which the writer said Osun State earned N868b in allocations in four years. In other words, by the writer’s weird calculation, the state was making N15.7b monthly. It never did. Facts, as they say, are sacred; comments are free. Journalism respects facts; we journalists should.

Aregbesola explained it all when he told the state’s lawmakers: “The contrasting state of our allocation from the federation account is highlighted by the peak of our allocation of N5b we received in February 2013 against the N466m we just received in April.”

What the debtor – states are passing through, awful as it is, will soon pass. May God give our leaders the wisdom to find a solution to this national shame.

June 11, 2015
Where will you be on May 29?

I have been asked this question several times since Muhammadu Buhari won the March 28 presidential election. Not because the enquirers really need an answer that will be of any benefit to them, as I later found out. It is mere rhetoric emanating from the excitement of the moment – a feeling of being part of history.

But, talking seriously, dear reader, where will you be tomorrow? I take it for granted that you know what is on in town. Buhari, soldier, farmer, administrator and politician, will take the oath as President at the Eagle Square in Abuja. Millions around the world will watch on television the ceremony, which will symbolise the change Nigerians voted for on March 28.

Just before the big show, it is fitting and proper to revisit this innocuous but loaded question in relation to some of the actors in the President Goodluck Jonathan administration. Where will Dr Jonathan be tomorrow? Eagle Square? No. I guess he will be somewhere watching it all on television or taking a rest after all those long sanctimonious farewell and thanksgiving services.

For those debating his future, Dr Jonathan gave them more than a clue last week when he said he would be a “peace ambassador”, a statesman preaching peace. Will he be going to Iraq? Syria? Kenya? Somalia? Burundi? I really don’t know.

Sir, not so fast and cheap, a cheeky reporter said. “Your wife, we recall, recently proclaimed herself Mama Peace and before the nickname could stick, she had mounted the rostrum to tell your supporters to stone your opponents,” said the fellow, adding rather insolently: “Is statesmanship a fedora (Resource Control) hat to be snatched off the rack and decked just like that? Is it petrol that can just be bought at the black market? No.”

In his warped view, Dr Jonathan should return to the classroom to oblige students of his experience, telling them how a man of humble background, a man not many gave a chance and a man not given to struggling for anything was catapulted to the dizzying height of the highest office in the land only to bungle it all like a novice, beg for forgiveness and dare the new administration to probe him. He said yesterday that Buhari should extend the probe to previous administrations, how “oil wells, marginal fields and oil fields” were allocated. Easy, Mr President, easy. Statemanship beckons.

In the alternative, said the fellow, Jonathan can simply go back to rustic Otuoke, relive those shoeless old days and revive the family’s age-old trade of boat making.

Incidentally, Elder Godsday Orubebe – remember him? The one who became the subject of beer parlour jokes after his thuggish attempt to disrupt the collation of the presidential election results failed – had last week advised the Ijaw to return to their God – given trade of fishing and gin making. Words of elders are, indeed, words of wisdom. He spoke at a seminar organised by the Ijaw Professionals Association in Lagos.

Where will Femi Fani-Kayode be tomorrow? Thankfully, it is a public holiday. The courts will be closed. He won’t need to be there in pursuit of his desperate battle to stave off jail for alleged money laundering. I guess he will be watching it all on television even as he rues the day he took up the job of a presidential Rottweiler. Forget all the I-have-no-regrets braggadocio in newspapers. A little bird tells me he has been in a foul mood, frowning, flouncing and floundering since Jonathan lost the election.

Fani-Kayode’s partner Dr Doyin Okupe – where in the world has he been? – must have calmed down now, dazed by the reality of a Buhari presidency, after he had sworn that the man would not take the prize. He too will most likely be sitting in front of his television set, cursing his poor luck. Or be busy in a gym, according to a close associate who pleaded not to be named because of what he described as the confidentiality of the information.

Dr Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, the one with the bombastic title of Finance minister and Coordinating minister for the Economy, probably has a first class ticket tucked away in her handbag. She will likely be set to return to Washington for a handshake, a pat on the back for playing it by the book. On her way to the airport, she is sure to be confronted with crowds and queues of people tearing at one another in a suicidal bid to get petrol. She will find long rows of jerry cans and people, among them some of the proud owners of the N5b stoves – ah! What a great investment – just delivered to the Presidency, struggling to buy kerosene. Apocalypse? Not quite.”Petrocalypse”? Yes.

So much for the champion of rebasing and all those exotic and esoteric obfuscations.

But, trust Nigerians; in the pains of the fuel shortage the fecundity of their minds has found hilarious expressions.

I have seen on the Internet a picture of movie star Funke “Jenifa” Akindele holding a bicycle on one hand, a helmet on the other and saying: “Thank God for my bicycle. Wonder how I would have got to church today.” And somebody passed a comment: “In these high heel shoes?”

In yet another posting, there is the picture of a man sleeping in the night, his right hand on a jerry can full of petrol and the other on his power generator, the type popularly called “I better pass my neighbour”, chained to his bed.

In another posting, an Alsatian dog stays on guard over a jerry can of fuel that is chained by the owner to his window’s iron burglar proof. Another had a big padlock on his car’s fuel tank cover.

A fellow suggested cynically the other day that petrol will soon be part of the items to be demanded at marriage engagements by some wily in-laws. You never can tell.

Jonathan, said a colleague of mine, has decided to turn us all into trekkers for Buhari – a curious parallel to those who have embarked on trekking to Abuja to mark Buhari’s victory. Many have queried their integrity. How were they feeding on the way? Were there no robbers on the highway? No sore feet? No wild animals crossing the road? Anyway, isn’t this an unusual season of unusual actions?

Former Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) Chairman Adamu Muazu is somewhere in Singapore where doctors have been telling him to take it easy. I am told he has no life threatening ailment, just a post-electoral defeat trauma which the doctors have assured him will not lead to long-term neurosis.

Those who are anxious to rebuild the PDP have forced him to throw in the towel. Muazu is not likely to return tomorrow. The mere sight of Buhari on the podium, taking the oath of office may cause a fatal relapse.

Chief Tony Anenih has surrendered his chairmanship of the PDP’s Board of Trustees (BOT). I am told he was yielding the position to Jonathan, who is said to have turned it down. His admirers have said “the fixer” should have tarried a little longer before taking what they describe as a precipitous decision. They are wrong; the chief is experienced enough to know that when a blind man ceases to hear the noise at the market place, it is all over; he will pack and go home (apology to the late Bashorun Moshood Kashimawo Olawale Abiola). Will he be watching the TV? I really can’t say.

Where will Interior Minister Abba Moro be tomorrow? A source tells me how busy the minister has been, supervising the jobs and promotions bazaar at the Immigration Department. Those who got injured in the March 15, 2014 jobs stampede in which no fewer than 18 youths died, have lost out in the scramble for space in the department, despite a presidential directive that they should be employed. They have been dumped for those who have the right connections.

The minister, many have suggested, should be made to explain whose idea the huge cash-for-jobs scam was. Have they refunded the cash they got? How do we prevent this kind of mass murder in this era of change? Remember it was a major campaign issue during the general elections.

Moro will surely look morose tomorrow as he follows it all on television.

When Buhari was proclaimed winner of the election, a friend of mine, an accountant with an exceptional culinary skill and taste, called a party at his Magodo, Lagos home. I understand another jollification is afoot. I hope to be there as we celebrate CHANGE, just before the serious business of clearing the mess to pave the way for the great future Nigeria deserves.

Where will you be tomorrow, dear reader?

May 28, 2015
The coming persecution

THEY may seem drab and dull, lacking depth and ingenuity, but you just cannot fail to notice the prescient warning. President Goodluck Jonathan’s perspectives are surely remarkable.

Just last Sunday at a church service he predicted that his ministers and aides would face persecution, warning them all to get set for what he may have seen as a troubled future.

“For ministers and aides who served with me, I sympathise with them; they will be persecuted. And they must be ready for that persecution,” Dr Jonathan said, adding philosophically: “To my ministers, I wish you what I wish myself. They will have hard times; we will all have hard times.”

His Excellency’s allocution in which he mentioned no names, was an allusion to the rumour that the incoming Gen. Muhammadu Buhari administration will seek answers to many thorny issues in the polity. But a note of caution: the “hard times” Jonathan predicted does not indicate that those who will soon be ex-ministers will be flat broke and taste poverty. Never. They are made for life.

The next day, the All Progressives Congress (APC) addressed Jonathan’s fears, saying nobody will be persecuted.

“That the President-elect is a man of integrity is not an issue for debate, and he has made it clear that he will not be bogged down by endless probes,” party spokesman Lai Mohammed said. He went on: “However, the hands of the incoming government will not be tied by those who have chosen to play the victim and exhibit a persecution mentality. Whoever has any reason to be afraid must lay bare such reason before Nigerians.”

That was really charitable; magnanimous. But there were those who did not allow the President to leave the sanctuary of the church before lending credence to his prognosis. In fact, many have been asking: Is Jonathan now a prophet? They launched into acerbic comments on his innocuous speech. I am sure that you know those who could have been so uncharitable, those busybodies who never see anything good in Jonathan’s transformative administration and its leading lights. They, without any thought for the laws of defamation, started mentioning names of those they said should be ready to defend their integrity.

Incidentally, those mentioned are the very people whose skills and actions and connections have contributed much to the success of the Transformation Agenda (T.A.), the fulcrum of the administration’s achievements, the gains which its critics – sometimes unfair and other times thoughtless – have pilloried to no end.

Leading the pack is the President himself. His legacies are being dismissed as if they do not matter. We are being told that when he stormed onto the scene in 2011, there was a biting fuel shortage. Now, he is, according to these self-appointed chroniclers, leaving long, unending and snaky queues of angry motorists passing their nights at filling stations. Besides, say the critics, there is a mountain of subsidy debts. Fuel merchants are threatening to kill the already grounded economy unless they are paid. Billions.

Arrogantly, the critics ask: “Should he not be called to account? Don’t we have the right to ask him how it all collapsed? Is he not in charge? If he is let off in peace, where then is the accountability that he preaches with such relish?”

The commentators have been so unsparing in their inquisition. It is as if they are eager to justify what Lai Mohammed referred to as “persecution mentality”. In just about six years, Boko Haram has taken more lives than the 30 months Civil War. Now, the sect is beating a retreat, our gallant troops in hot pursuit. Why did we have to wait for this long to stop Boko Haram? Isn’t this leadership deficiency? Will the war ever end if we don’t ask questions? Why were weapons not supplied on time? Who got the contracts?

Too many questions, among them those that have been fully addressed by the President.

Why has the power sector become such a horrible case of thousands of megawatts without electricity, despite the huge funds –some $5b, we are told – that have been sunk into the system? Universities are still struggling to free themselves from the hangover of a one year strike – one of the longest ever – because the teachers claimed that the government betrayed them. What actually happened? Doctors have been on strike many times.

These are some of the issues being raised by those immersed in the persecution syndrome. The inquisitors, you may wish to know, are those people who will never understand the thick line between “corruption” and “stealing”, muddling up everything.

The same unrepentant pessimists are the ones who were saying Petroleum Minister Diezani Alison-Madueke was on the run. They have accused her of everything and credited her with nothing. Not even the much vaunted Petroleum Industry Bill – a piece of legislation that would have made the big difference in the oil sector if it had not got stuck in intrigues and politics.

When the former Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) governor, Mallam Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, now Emir of Kano, alleged that $20b oil money was missing, a huge row broke out. The money was not “missing”, said some officials who should know; it was merely “unaccounted for” or “misappropriated”. Committee after committee gave various figures but never told the world where the cash had gone.

Eventually, forensic experts were called in. Auditing giant Pricewaterhouse Cooper’s report was a closely kept secret until one day when the President dared them all and threw it open. The minister had said $1.48b was to be returned to the treasury; the report said $4.29b.

Holding aloft the auditors’ report, which the experts said was done in a most hostile environment for such mental exertions, the minister’s enemies, those who claim – usually without iron-cast proof or any proof at all – that the industry is stinking of corruption have been asking for her head. They became more vociferous after President-elect Muhammadu Buhari said he was going to reopen the matter of the missing money. Haba! Didn’t Jonathan himself explain that there was no way such cash would go missing without America knowing?

Before then, these self-appointed anti-corruption crusaders and idle activists had accused Mrs Alison-Madueke of racking up a N10b bill on chartered flights. Ah! How unconscionable can people be? Have they ever thought of the hassles of taking a commercial flight? What if one of those files marked “Confidential”, those containing new oil blocks allocations, for example, gets missing on a turbulent commercial flight and gets into the hands of disgruntled elements? What if the minister’s headgear and colourful make-up get ruffled and rumpled as passengers rush to get off board? What happens if any of those exquisite pieces of jewellery falls off during the push-and-shove that attends such all-comer flights? Will flying commercial allow for all those last-minute talks with key aides before landing for those all-important meetings? Some consideration, please. Not persecution.

Mrs Alison-Madueke need not bother. Wasn’t Stella Oduah, a princess, persecuted for spending a mere N255m on two bullet proof cars? Where are her traducers now that she has been elected by her ever appreciative Anambra North people as their senator? A church in Fegge, Onitsha, has just named her “Veronica of our time”. Didn’t the bard say “sweet are the uses of adversity?” In other words, even persecution has its remuneration.

Also likely to be persecuted is Finance Minister Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, whose exceptional assiduity fetched her the exotic title of Coordinating Minister for the Economy. She has been excoriated for, according to many unlicensed analysts, presiding over the profligacy of the administration. They have been citing the depleted foreign reserves and the lean Excess Crude Account as if Mrs Okonjo-Iweala spent all the money on shoes and bags.

These same emergency economists are the ones saying thousands are out of jobs, refusing to listen to Mrs Okonjo-Iweala who insists that millions of jobs are being created for those who wish to work. Besides, she reminds us all that our economy has been rebased and it is now the biggest in Africa. Which does the lady deserve –claps or slaps?

Her persecutors insist that she must tell Nigerians how much went into waivers, SURE-P, “You win I win” and all those fanciful programmes that political opponents have described as “huge scams”, just like kerosene and petrol subsidy.

For Femi “Amebo” Fani-Kayode and his colleague in deceit, Dr Doyin Okupe, a prince, the duplicity seems to have ended. Fani-Kayode has returned to court to continue the battle to save his neck from money laundering charges. The Nigeria Deposit Insurance Corporation (NDIC) has sued Okupe for borrowing money from a bank and not paying back.

Are they being persecuted for doing their job – those who do not understand call it a dirty job – with such an unusual passion?

Nigerians have been pushing for a probe of the Immigration Service jobs scam that took 16 lives. The government has paid compensation and the families of the dead have been given jobs but the inquisition won’t just stop. Who owns the company that collected money from the job seekers? Who has been punished for the tragedy? Is it lawful for a government department to run such a scheme? Is Interior Minister Abba Moro one of those who will be persecuted?

Honestly, I sympathise with Dr Jonathan and his team, who have been struck by this “persecution mentality”. They should take it easy. Isn’t it all part of Change?

May 14, 2015
Reminiscences

IT all seems quiet now. The last vestiges of the campaigns – posters, banners and billboards – are being removed. Gone are the street parades, the town hall meetings, the throbbing rallies and the hot beer parlour arguments that often ended in broken heads and bloody noses. The prizes have been won and lost.

But, can we really forget the elections? The lessons are instructive as they are compulsive. In Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC) Chairman Attahiru Jega we saw the beauty of equanimity amid provocative turbulence and tension. General Muhammadu Buhari’s courage is exemplary – he ran four times before getting the trophy and he never wavered from his goal despite all those irritable comments and intrigues. By the way, has anybody seen Femi “Amebo” Fani-Kayode and his cousin Dr Doyin Okupe? Are they in town?

President Goodluck Jonathan would not behave like a punch- drunk boxer with a stubborn chin; he threw in the towel even before the bell went off. Wisdom. Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu was, like an experienced marathoner, tenacious in his reformative struggle, despite all the mines on the way. Many Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) front liners could not wait for its demystification. Lacking in principle and character, they jumped ship – in droves. Fair weather friends all.

There are many other lessons. Elder Godsday “the bully” Orubebe – is it true he is a church leader? – showed us the futility of desperation and irascibility. Now, there is a hilarious video of three kids re-enacting the scene in which the former minister grabbed the microphone and created a huge scene at the collation centre.

Besides the lessons, there are also those words and phrases which will remain with us for a while. The All Progressives Congress (APC) came with the battle cry “change”. Everywhere its leaders went, they sang “change”. To their opponents, the slogan was derogatory and they used it to deride the APC. First Lady Dame (Dr) Patience Faka Jonathan – I understand she is busy preparing her handover notes as the president of the African First Ladies Peace Mission – taunted APC chiefs about the slogan. She told a crowded rally: “They are crying for change; are they conductors? U enter their bus?”

Will she still see “change” as an empty Lagos bus conductor’s language? I doubt it. General Martin Luther Agwai will also never joke with the word “change”. He was fired from his SURE-P job for saying at former President Olusegun Obasanjo’s birthday that “the only permanent thing in life is change”. To the President, that was an affront too contemptuous to stomach. Gen. Agwai was fired – just like that. He was confounded by the rapidity of it all and the fact that no explanation was given as to why he got the push. Poor guy.

Unlike Gen. Agwai who was not told why he had to go, the Ugbo monarch, Oba Obateru Akinrutan, knew why he was being scorned all over town. He was accused of snatching a ballot box during the elections. One had thought this style of rigging elections was obsolete, courtesy of the Permanent Voter Card (PVC). The kabiyesi had to address the media, saying he never did that, adding that his adversaries were carrying the rumour just to malign him. Imagine his majesty in full regalia of his exalted office – beads, crown and all – storming a polling unit and, in the full glare of all his subjects and officials, grabbing the ballot box and fleeing like a common thug, angry youths in hot pursuit. What a way to denigrate the royalty. Thankfully, the press conference put the matter to rest.

His royal majesty, I am told, was among the monarchs whose help President Jonathan sought to “capture” the Southwest. Did he “deliver”? Many of them did not. To deliver, for the sake of refreshing our memory, is to promise that your candidate will triumph at the polls and actually ensure that he does either through fair or foul means, thereby justifying the “mobilisation” that you must have got.

Many PDP chiefs, who failed to deliver after collecting hefty “mobilisation” are now being asked to refund the cash they got. This, I learnt, is partly responsible for the gale of defections that hit the ruling party.

But then, when is a “defection” no more a mere change of parties by an individual or a group? When does it become an “exodus”? The answer has been found in the terrible fate that suddenly became the lot of the PDP as many of its leading lights jumped ship and the party sank in a sea of electoral misfortune.

Many were surprised at Lagos Governor Babatunde Fashola’s wit. On the hustings, he proved himself a master of repartee and wisecracks. To Akinwunmi Ambode’s opponent Jimi Agbaje’s camp, his appellation J.K. is enough to rouse the crowds at the campaigns. “J.K. we know, J.K. we trust”, they screamed in colourful posters. Then, Fashola unravelled it all and J.K. becomes “Just Kidding” – an uncharitable allusion to the PDP candidate’s hazy views of the workings of the government and his ability to do the job. Of course, we all saw how APC chiefs were sweating and swearing and screaming when they realised that the fellow wasn’t kidding. While APC got the prize, we got a new phrase. Now whenever somebody dreams big and we are not convinced he or she is serious, we say he or she is “just kidding”.

President Jonathan knocked everyone for six when he called Gen. Buhari to congratulate him even before the final results were announced. There was jubilation in the land as the news broke that Dr Jonathan had conceded defeat. Instantly – without any deep reflection, some insist – he was pronounced a statesman. Not so fast, said the critics. Was it not a Hobson’s choice? Was it not so glaring that even the blind could see that it was all over? Has a mere telephone call become the restitution for all the sins of the administration?

Even as the arguments on statesmanship raged, Dr Jonathan yesterday roared that he is still in charge and that Buhari should not form a parallel government-all because of a transition committee’s terms of reference. Easy. Dr Jonathan easy. You have been in charge for six years. That a committee is directed to do an overview of some agencies shouldn’t be a big deal; should it?

There was no agreement on the matter of what makes a statesman, but the President’s action set off a series of such as many others conceded defeat. Kaduna State Governor Ramalan Yero admitted to being beaten by the garrulous former Federal Capital Territory (FCT) minister, Nasir El-Rufai.

Senator Teslim Folarin conceded defeat in Oyo. Senator Rashidi Ladoja keeps crying that he was robbed. Benue Governor Gabriel Suswam surrendered to Senator Barnabas Gemade. In Niger, Umar Nasko conceded defeat to Abubakar Sani Bello.

Former Information Minister Labaran Maku refused to toe the line. He described his loss as a coup against the people. Really? Interesting. In Kwara, Labour Party (LP) candidate Mike Omotosho said the result contradicted the people’s wish and many were asking: how?

Chief Edwin Kiagbodo Clark, the Ijaw leader and President Jonathan’s sidekick , has said he can’t kill himself because his man lost the election. That’s the spirit.

Until last Saturday, the governorship elections in Abia, Imo and Taraba were said to have been “inconclusive”. In other words, they needed to be rerun. But in Akwa Ibom, a winner has been announced in the governorship election, which was run concurrently as the House of Assembly elections on April 11. Now the question is: where are the results? If the Assembly elections are inconclusive and the results are left hanging somewhere in space, why and how did we get results for the governorship election. Can one be “conclusive” and the other “inconclusive”? Or is the word a mere euphemism for some fraud, which in this case seems to have blown up in the face of its perpetrators? We don’t really know.

April 30, 2015
DASHED HOPE

WHEN the major news channels flashed the “breaking news” on Tuesday night, the world was gripped by a strange excitement, the type that greets a royal birth. But it was short-lived, like the morning dew.

The military announced that they had rescued 200 girls and 93 women from the Sambisa Forest. First, they were not sure if the Chibok girls were among them. Later, they said the girls were not among the lot.

The news came after the military said troops couldn’t advance on the Boko Haram stronghold because the insurgents had laced the place with mines. Were these 293 women freed by their captors or rescued by our gallant troops? Who are they? How were they pulled off the hook? Casualties? When will reporters be given access to them?

I salute our troops’ gallantry in fighting this war, but the question remains: will the Chibok girls ever return?

April 30, 2015