Category: New Woman

IT must have been love but it’s over now…..That song aptly captures how, Deola is feeling at the moment. A few months ago, the song was different, then she was up the love ladder, looking forward to the sweet ending romantic type of experience in the arms of Soji, the guy who stole her heart and reduced her to the emotional wreck that she has now become.

It was love but she lost it somehow. Could it have been due to her carelessness on the emotional corridor, was she over possessive or was it something that was bound to happen anyway.

Now , that her emotional ship has sunk and the stars have cleared from her eyes, this may just be the right time to take stock and try to find out what happened.

Not a time to be judgmental at all. All she needs now is a clear head and some appraisal of the things she did or left undone. The truth of the matter is that our friend loved Soji with all her heart, this love was generous, lavishing attention on someone who had already been pampered by other contestants in the emotional pageant. Cat walking for love isn’t a crime though but the important lesson here is to be focused on the prize and do the needful. There is no point hanging around a heart that has been won or a heart that want to eat the emotional crown as well as have it back. Soji had so many unstable friends, guys who so many ‘loots’ and were always ready to grab more. In that kind of scenario, you are just more or less part of crowd; they have lost count of hearts in their kitty. Most likely, his going make mistakes about your names on phone forget the gift he once gave you or mix up your birthday with another.

Still fooling around?  Yes, he was and in the process a lot of damages were done to this poor heart. She got into fights a couple of times, we babes who were more aggressive than she was; she got a lot of threats online and nasty phone calls. And one of the ladies on the hot seat actually promised to do everything to eject our friend from the emotional process. Yes, she won and has acquired the loot or can we say the emotional asset”.

Now, she knows better and is ready to tell anyone who cares to listen, that the emotional arena is not for,’toddlers’. You must be in charge, not just about one person falling madly and deeply in love, rather than sharing their partner’s less intense feelings of slight infatuation.

If you are in a one-sided relationship, you might want to consider getting out before continuing down a long, painful, heartbreaking road.

The crux of the matter here is that a one-sided partnership leaves you feeling like your relationship needs aren’t being met because you’re the one putting in all of the efforts. You are giving 90 per cent and he is giving just 10 per cent or even less. One basic fact is that when you’re in love, it’s easy to be blinded by the signs of a one-sided romance.

Of course, there are some signs to watch out for that may determine if you are forcing yourself on your partner. One of such is when you notice that you are the one that initiate most of the communication in the relationship like sending text messages and phones calls. Here, you may just discover that when you don’t give do this, several days could go by without exchanging a single word.

Also related to this is the fact that you may just be  if your partner never hesitates to ask favors of you that requires you to sacrifice your time and energy, yet when it’s time to reciprocate the favor, he or she never seems to have the time.

The worst part of this kind of emotional bargain is when you have to apologise for things you didn’t do or things you shouldn’t apologise for. Here, you will just discover that such partners are a master of guilt-tripping and they would make you feel bad for things you have no reason to worry over.

The climax is when you realised that the heart that you are clinging desperately onto just doesn’t care about. Too much love brings emotional arrogance and pride. It is so puffed up and wouldn’t give a damn about your feelings. Tears? Forget it, shedding the real tears or its crocodile version wouldn’t change anything. You have simply lost your ‘loot’; other hearts are desperately lobbying for space along this emotional corridor. Perhaps, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie? No way!  To survive, you may just have to draw inspiration from the animal kingdom, being as wise as the emotional serpent or draw inspiration from Mr. Tortoise and his antics.

WHAT happens when you step on emotional toes? Well, that, unfortunately, is Moyo’s predicament at the moment. Slim, tall, with a flawless skin and curves in the right places, she has succeeded in stealing hearts from dusty emotional shelves.

Why not! An eye (heart) for an eye (heart). Scroll down memory lane and you also find that our dear friend was a victim; valuable hearts had vanished courtesy of some emotional shoplifters.

Recently, she ran out of luck and was declared ‘wanted’. She took to her heels and tried to find solace in the emotional jungle. The rugged owner of a missing heart did not give up; she staked everything to have her pound of flesh from the hawk-the one that had caused her so much pain. Strategically, she combed the nooks and crannies carefully and finally found the queen of heart, looking remorseful.

This was not the best time for sermons, and so she was beaten to a state of coma, with memorable scars. Jungle justice! It is the norm and so it is best to tread with caution.

If you do not want to be an emotional prey, then you must be in charge of the terrain. Don’t also bite more than you can chew. Always make sure that cupid’s arrow is on target, there is no harm trying again and again. Arrows? Yes, they are symbols that we see all the time. From the street signs, road markings and markings on the doors indicating direction to a choice location. This also reminds you of Jeffrey archer’s book, a Quiver full of Arrows. Fortunes are made and squandered, honor betrayed and redeemed and love lost and rediscovered. In this collection of short stories, you find the passion that drive men and women to love and to hate.

A good hunter must have a quiver filled with a sharp emotional arrows (strategies). Love birds need different arrows for the different phase(s) in their relationships. Arrows also have their different functions and you must understand the terrain. When you use a wrong arrow for the wrong target, it is not likely to work.

What are you ‘chasing’ would determine the type of arrows required to achieve your emotional aims and objectives. In the emotional jungle, you run into all kinds of hearts. Hearts that are as gentle as dove, hearts that are alluring as well as romantic. On the other side of the emotional divides are lions crocodiles, hyenas and antelopes.

Sadly, the emotional wilderness can be a death trap if you are not careful. You are likely to run into trouble when you list expect it to happen. On the prowl are hearts that are as cunning as a fox or hearts that are as wild as the tiger.

If you are unlucky to fall hopelessly and helplessly with hearts in this category, then you must have your quiver filled with deadly emotional arrows. The arrows you chose would ultimately determine who becomes the prey in the emotional jungle.

Without the required arrow in your custody, you are likely to be lily-livered and abandon the heart that you have been longing for, lusting after and wishing you had for keeps. Winners are usually wild with emotions and aware of all the tricks (arrows) in the quiver during the emotional hunting expedition.

Learn the ropes, improvise, as well as update yourself with skills that would give you the sobriquet as hunter of hearts like lions and not just hunting for emotional ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches or rats. The crux of the matter is the hearts in this category are not worth dying for.

Surprisingly, in the emotional terrain, women are better hunters. They have mastered the skills ultimately used it to capture and get what they want. In the woman’s emotional quiver are tears, smiles, patience, endurance, nagging, as well as intrigues.

Having the right arrows without making use of them is as good as not having them at all. In addition, a good heart hunter must know how to put the emotional arrow on the bow and draw it back to meet its target. The further you draw the bow (love), the more distance it goes or covers.

You therefore cover more distance by showing love consistently, sharing your affection and substance dutifully. It is very important to talk nicely to the person you think you love, claim you love or that just makes your heart skip a bit all the time.

Interestingly, the best emotional arrows aim at trust. It is the arrow that controls all the other arrows in your quiver. You can be sure that once this affectionate arrow is missing in your quiver, then you would miss the target. Love without trust isn’t love. Like a doubting Thomas, you are going to see a dove in the emotional woods and imagine that what you are looking at is a tiger.

When you see a rabbit whispering sweet nothings into your ears, instead of turning around to caress this cupid-send angel, all you see is a heart luring you to the rabbit hole, to be strangled, cleaned up and adorned with condiments before ending in the pepper soup pot as ‘bush meat’.

“Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections.” ~ John Legend (All Of Me)

This sums up how Adeola is feeling right now. He has found a heart that is making his world go really round and they are heading for the aisle in a couple of weeks. Even though, his emotional dream has finally come through, his mind keeps going down memory lane, recalling emotional valleys and days he almost thought the love corridor wasn’t meant for him at all.

“I had a relationship and I trusted her so much. She turned out to be a cheat and before I knew it, she got pregnant for someone very close to me. That betrayal was a big blow and it took me a great while before I got over it. It was one of the saddest things that ever happened to me”.

What do you do when you feel so disappointed with your emotional life? Usually, it is better to walk away and that is exactly what Adeola did. It wasn’t easy but he is glad he survived the pains of betrayal.

“I am not the kind of guy who falls for or gets carried away with every girl that comes my way. As a matter of fact, I can actually count the number of girls that I have dated on my fingertips. Truth of the matter is that I am not what you would call a ladies’ man”.

First and foremost, the Romeo in question has a very poor social lifestyle. “I don’t have friends and I hardly go out. The few people around me know that I am a workaholic and when I am not at work, you can be sure to find me in the house”.

At a point, family and loved ones got really worried and began to harass him about his social life.”At a point, I got really fed up, everyone around me thought they knew what I needed and began to advise me to get busy along the social corridor’.

Worried? Not really! “Personally, I thought all was well. I knew that once I saw the girl I really like everything would fall in place. Interestingly, I finally found her, the proverbial bone of my bones. We met in the examination hall, we were writing the same professional examinations that morning and she sat right in front of me. As soon as I saw her, I just liked everything about her. After writing our papers, I walked towards her and she just starred at me in a snobbish way”.

That naturally did not deter me. As a matter of fact, I like women who are difficult to get. Perhaps, she was in a bad mood because of the paper, she just wrote, I told myself. I finally succeeded in getting her number and that was how it all began. As we moved on in the relationship, I realsied that she was just like me in every aspect of life, a woman who is strong minded, not a talkative and very focused in her lifestyle. That made me like her even more.

The only snag was that she had another guy in her life and she told me about him from the onset. Not the type of lady who would lie about anything. The other relationship was however having problems because of distance and some other related factors. Luckily, I won the emotional battle, the guy had found another heart and the vacuum gave me the opportunity to be her man. Finding this heart, I must say is the best thing that ever happened in my life and I am so glad I found her”.

The crux of the matter here is to find a heart that you desire and learn to understand each other.  Once you know how to make the heart you cherish happy, things would definitely move the way you want.

One other thing that you must understand is that communication is key, you must speak the same love language and make the love nest as interesting as possible. It is therefore important to make effort from time to time and understand the language your partner is speaking.

In addition, it is also necessary to also not only what your partner is saying, but how they are saying it, it actually takes away their fear of being open and honest.

You must also remember that the emotional nest is not a bed of roses. Always prepare and arm yourself with emotional tools needed for the good and bad times. Even when you are not satisfied with the way things have turned out, you can complain and argue in an effective way. . Arguing is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. The key is to argue effectively and with compassion in mind. We need to speak our truth with kindness and love. If you don’t think you can be calm, make sure to take a time out and revisit the topic when b you are in a better frame of mind.

For Cecilia, the past few months have been chaotic. The lady in her mid thirties has had to work on so many projects and family engagements that could not be shelved. Her philosophy about life helped,  for her what must be done, must be done well.So, she put all her resources and energy into the activities and made sure everything was in order.

By the time she was sure that everything was  okay Cecilia realised that the stress had taken a toll on her health. She then decided that it was better  to take a break for two weeks. Naturally, travelling came to her mind and she made arrangements to go out of town for a while.

It was fun and Cecilia met new friends. Fortunately or unfortunately two days before the end of this memorable holiday, Cecilia slipped and got a dislocation in the right arm. What a pity! The pain was simply unbearable and the trauma made her forget the sweet memories she had just experienced. She then had to ask for an extension to sort out this silly arm that now became the centre of attention.

Her boss granted the leave extension and advised her to take things calmly. The first few days and weeks were very traumatic for her. The arm ached so badly and she wondered why it chose to happen at this point. As a matter of fact, the strain reminded her about the bitter memories from her last relationship. “Emeka was an ungrateful idiot. When I met him he had no job, no house and had nothing except his degree. At that point, he looked very humble and appeared to be righteous.” She strongly believed in impacting people’s lives and she began to help him open doors that had been closed for so long. “I had some savings in the cooperative society of the organisation that I was working for and I was allowed to borrow twice as much. I gave Emeka to start a business and he was very happy at that point.

Was that a  smart thing to do? Well, we can’t really blame her because love is about giving and sharing.”He used the money to start a business and things went well. I also introduced him to a number of friends and acquaintances and he got a number of contracts In the process.”

Two years down the lane, Emeka”s  fortune changed and this was the best time to show gratitude. She was wrong! Just before she realised that she had made a mistake, he began to tell her that she was not fit to be his better half.”Suddenly, he began to complain about my dress sense , mannerisms and a number of other things. I told him that I would change and he agreed to give me another chance.”

Was this lover boy truly going to give our friend another chance? “About six months after I got a letter from Emeka saying that he had relocated to the United States and that he had married someone else.” Poor Cecilia, she was devastated and her heart sank. She promised never to fall in love again. Thinking about this grand betrayal now made her health deteriorate. Interestingly, the doctor on duty took a keen interest in her. It turned out that they were both victims of love and some how they got closer and closer. He turned out to be the man she has been waiting for all this while.

The big question here, is how do you find your bearing when you are  at  emotionally crossroads? First, it is important not to play the blame game. Assigning blame will cause the other person to either get defensive or feel worthless. Neither of those feelings promote peace in a relationship. When blame enters into the conversation, then one person becomes the victim and the other becomes the reason why bad things are happening. Does that sound like a platform for a loving and peaceful relationship? You are in this relationship together and assigning blame just creates a separation in your partnership. Resist the temptation to assign blame, bond together, and work through the situation like partners.

One other thing that you need to do is to remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. When you are upset with your partner, it is easy to focus on what we think they did wrong, or even what we think is wrong with them. How productive is that mindset? What we focus on expands and becomes more noticeable. Wouldn’t it be better to remind yourself what you love about this person and why you fell in love with them in the first place? If you want a happy and peaceful relationship, apply the life skills of positive thinking and positive focus.

If you find yourself feeling moody and argumentative, focus on the blessings in your life. Focus on the deep value that your partner has added to your life. By shifting your focus, you shift your state away from the negative and towards the positive.

DAYDREAMING. No, she wasn’t. This was actually a dream come true. Tears, tears and more tears. It’s been tears of joy since the day, Maduka proposed to her. He took her unaware and the worst part of it all was the fact that she wasn’t even sure about the relationship.

Even though, she really liked him, she always had the feeling that he was a ladies man, the type many ladies wanted to have and you just are not sure of who was going to get him. It brought memories of heartbreaks and she just did not want to go through that tortuous corridor anymore. To play safe, she decided to stay calm and avoid hearts that were oversubscribed. “We met at a party and as soon as he saw me he just liked me. Of course, I liked him because he is a very good looking man, he had all the feature that any woman would want in her man. However, all his physical assets made me quiver each time I remember my experience in my last two relationships. When you have that kind of man in your kitty, you cannot sleep well. You get scared because of the emotional hawks lurking around and waiting to get you out of the way”, she recounts.

She continued: “The more I ran away from him, the more he pursued until he captured yours truly. Even my friends and family members who kept encouraging me to give him a chance were glad that it worked out well. Now, I know that it was beyond me. It was something God himself and worked out and perhaps it was a compensation for all the things that I had gone through in the past”.

This was indeed a dream come true. Poor Cynthia, she had gone through shocks and bumps along the emotional corridor. At some points, she was devastated passing through valleys that were cold and tortuous, tormented by emotional vultures in different ways.

She takes you down memory lane this way:        “The first experience really broke my heart to pieces. he was my first love and we dated for about three years. We went through every stage of the courtship meticulously and I was really proud to introduce him to my friends and relatives”.

Challenges? “There was nothing to complain about. He was simply a great guy who moved around with few friends, he dotted over you in such a way that it took me ages to get over it. I cannot even recall seeing him get angry no matter what happened between us. So, I just couldn’t believe that we had come to the end of the relationship when he left.

So, what went wrong, you wonder? “The truth of the matter is that he hasn’t told me anything till date. He just walked away without looking back or remembering the good times that we shared together. At a point, I just refused to take no for an answer and I decided to comb everywhere for any information about what made him to end our relationship.”

First, she went to the family house to see his mother and siblings but nobody was willing to see her or talk to her. “Next, I went to his friends but they also kept sealed lips. Only two of them, who had disapproved of our relationship from the onset, were willing to let the cat out of the bag. They told me that his ex girlfriend, the babe that broke his heart just before we met came back. He was obviously still in love with her and he dumped Cynthia without looking back at all. “

That unfortunately laid the foundation for the other relationships that Cynthia got involved with subsequently. “I was determined to break every heart that came my way. I wanted them to feel and experience what I had passed through. They usually left in frustration and in my heart I thought nobody could every filled the vacuum created. I always put up a non-challant attitude, made life difficult by nagging and getting into controversies with the people around them”.

She added: “In fact, I really hated the men that came my way. Each time they told me the truth, I just found it difficult to trust them. In my heart, I believed that all men were liars.’

It went on and on and at a point, she made up her mind that life would be better and stable if she remained single. “It wasn’t just because of what I was passing through personally. I saw all kinds of things happening to my friends and it got me thinking that it wasn’t worth the stress afterall”.

Interestingly, it was at this point that Raymond walked into her life. “I tried to get rid of him a number of times but he just did not give up. He was so sure that he had found love and he did everything to make it work. Now, I am so glad it worked out. This is actually the best Christmas gift ever. ‘Believe this is all happening to me. Feeling like Cinderella with a wonderful prince charming.

WHEN you think about the desert, the image that readily comes to mind is a state of emptiness. In a love desert you would be thinking of a lost love and trying to fill in the gaps in your own way. It is at this stage that the one at the center of an emotional storm becomes a wanderer. No matter how hard you try, it may just be difficult to get your bearing.

Even when it seems like you have gotten a substitute, you just can’t let go and your mind just keeps wandering and wandering. But you can move on when you forget the negatives and build on the positive emotions that you had in the past. Here

you can scroll down memory lane recalling the sweet memories you encountered here and there to get the emotional peace that you deserve. Dreaming about it would certainly lift your spirit taking you close to the fairy tale stories that you have heard about. Still in doubt? No need to do that to yourself. Relax and cross over a bountiful emotional harvest. The type that happens once in a while and one that brings lots of happiness. Here you would find trees and shrubs of affection growing and churning out love branches that inspires and affects others. From the trees you reap fruits that fill the hearts with tears of joy.

Alternatively, you may find yourself stranded in an emotional desert. Here all you are bound to be feeling is a state of hopelessness, helplessness and rejection. But the big question is what where you hoping to get in this emotional Sahara in the first place. It is obvious that the emotional cargo that you have decided to pitch your tent with is as stranded as you are. No matter how hard you try, you guys aren’t going to go far.

The one you desperately trying to cruise with it has little or nothing to offer and this state of dryness isn’t going to do you anyone any good. To get a better experience, it is better for you to move out of the desert to locate someone who would provide emotional sunshine as well as take you to the next level.

In Coleridge’s Poem, “The Rime of the ancient Mariner the Wandering Albatross is actually referred to as ‘bird with good omen’.  Here we are also told about the metaphor of ‘an albatross around his neck indicating an unwanted burden causing anxiety or hindrance.

Interestingly, in the days when sailing was popular, the bird often accompanied ships for days, not merely following it but wheeling in wide circles around it without ever being observed to land on the water. It continued it flight, apparently not tired, in temptuous as well as modest weather. It is one of the largest birds in the world with the largest wingspan measuring up to about 3.5 meters. From the records, you would also find that the bird is one of the best studied species of bird in the world. Distance travelled each year is hard to measure but one banded bird was recovered travelling about 6000 km in twelve days. They spent most of their life on the wing returning to land only to court a mate and to breed.

The behavior of the bird is also very interesting having a range of displays from screams, whistles, grunts and bill clapping. When courting they actually spread their wings, wave their heads as well as rap their bills together.

Interestingly, these birds the bones from its wings are used to produce needles; tobacco pipe stems fishhooks and flutes that would ultimately churn out romantic lyrics and songs.

Of course, you would agree with yours truly that there are a number of romantic connections with this type of bird. However, if this bird is taken away to a lonely desert, so many things would happen. First it is going to lose its clear white color at adulthood. Life without emotional water can be a nightmare and of course, life in the desert is going to be very lonely.

Instead of languishing in the desert, it is better to take emotional flight with a great pal. On the other hand when you want to take a flight, it is better to seek emotional refuge in a love garden? Here there would be a variety of fruits to choice from and you would certainly get something you desire.

Conversely if you are in an emotional desert, all you would find are dry bones.  Nothing good is ever going to come out of this kind of relationship because the environment is stiff and the dust of confusion won’t take you far. You would definitely be far from your low height and all the lullabies that you are used to won’t sound nice in this environment. To make a headway this lovebird must move out of this environment to a better environment to look and feel good.