Category: Pillow Talk

What do you do with Love that has gone sour? Usually, it is better to throw it in the trash can before it runs the tummy. That is exactly the way Teju is feeling at the moment. She had just survived an emotional hurricane and just could not fathom where and how she was going to move on. The feeling at this point can be compared to jumping off a moving train, the disaster that would follow is better imagined than experienced.

Flashback down the emotional memory lane and it looked like the best love story. But along the line, she came to the realization that the relationship which lasted for two years and four months was filled with ‘emotional errors’. The guy she wanted to donate her heart to was a serial cheater.

Sadly, Teju just had to move on, hoping to find a better heart, one that would not contaminate whatever was left. On her part, she felt it may just be too hard to start over on a clean slate. The other option, therefore, was to avoid any emotional entanglements for now.

The emotional pressure she was going through started to affect her work and so she thought of different ways to recover herself.

A few weeks after she just could not take her mind off it and there was also tension at work.  Teju decided to take a break from work and the restaurant in the neighborhood looked like a great arrangement. A few minute walk down the road and she was in the right place, relaxed in the serene environment feeling different. The meal was also great and she waited a little just to get refreshed before going back to work.

Two jolly good fellows walked in looking as famished as she was and they also had lunch. Once the stomach was sorted out they talked about some of their recent conquests and escapades. Midway into the conversations, they remember a third friend, Lanre, and the exploits he made when he was part of this team of emotional ‘musketeers’.

Unfortunately for them, Lanre recently found love and amended his ways. “I just don’t know what is wrong with that guy. How can he lose all his head for one woman? I thought he was stronger than this but he has really disappointed me. Sometimes, when I remember his matter I get really upset. That is why I have stopped thinking about him”, Adamu lamented.

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The bone of contention is the fact that their good friend has ‘repented”. Old things and ‘emotions have simply passed away. “One other thing that he does is that he actually keeps all the money he makes in a joint account with this woman. To make matters worse is the fact that the alert actually goes to the woman’s phone number. He just cannot do anything without her. Is that really what they call love? Humh….. I am sure that something fishy is going on.

The question here is what is wrong with being faithful a hundred percent? Our friends however feel differently and believe that it is better to have a plan B in every arrangement. “That is not how to be faithful at all. I think he is just being a Mugun and I am very sorry for him. I just hope that it won’t be too late before he realises what’s going on”.

Humorously, Mr. B goes on to talk about a similar experience and how a smarter Alec survived the emotional struggle. “Muyiwa had always been smart from our schooldays. Then about three years ago he met this lady and he became very cool and calm. The first time I met the lady in question; I just did not like her at all. She was very rude and domineering and I told him that he was not likely to go far with that kind of lady”.

He continued: “For the first time, Muyiwa was visibly angry with me and he told me not to interfere with the relationship because he was in charge. So I left him with this emotional cross and thought this was another lost case. We met at a friend’s party about six months after and we reconciled. It was there that he made me realise that he was not as foolish as I thought. “We have a joint account and we use this account to service whatever we need to run the home. I pretend to put all my resources in the account but I have a secret account where all the extras that I make are kept. The strategy however is to look and feel helpless financially, so that I can continually draw from the joint account. This way I have a robust savings account that she doesn’t know exists”.

Can you beat that? Well, a lot of women actually get stuck on the road to an amazing relationship, and most times it has to do with the fear of the unknown.

Lots of women who are afraid of being alone also end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don’t “get it”.

So you need to identify what you want and if it isn’t there, then there is no point hanging on. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re likely to put up with the behavior you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of being in a relationship.

Searching for greener pastures? Yes, everyone dreams of something good and wonderful. We all have standards and it’s great if we find what we want or something close to the original.

Unfortunately, Rebecca has been crisscrossing the emotional zone without getting to the proverbial promised land in her search. “Most times, I wonder what is always happening to me. I have discovered that I do not love the people I fall in love with. On the other hand, I find that the people that I love or really admire are already hooked up. They have people that they treasure and they don’t usually care about my feelings towards them.”

Well, sometimes we do not find what we really want. When you get to this realization, then you just have to move on and not stay glued to someone that you know you can never get or have.

Alternatively, you can come down from your emotional heights, and take another look at the heart that is available. It could just be a trial and in that space, you either find something special or discover that it just won’t work.

Sometimes, all you need to do is to focus on the good sides of the person who cares about you and make the love idea reciprocal. If you do not move on and make the best of your emotional situation, then you are going to be caught in an emotional cobweb that may lead to depression.

Fear, love, jealousy, pride, vanity, and resentment. These are some of the emotions that we are faced with on a daily basis, whether we like it or not. The mind can be very adventurous when it comes to love matters. While some can stick to a particular relationship for so long and do things that would make it look new as the years roll by, there are others who are very adventurous.

Like the mouse pad, love is just a click away. The person in question is always experiencing some excitement, a burst of emotions at any time. As soon as the present emotion fades away you can be sure that something fresh and new will take its place soon.

For this group, no single emotional response can be permanent. This relates to the other kind of emotions too. For instance, when any emotion, such as anger, is experienced, the person is likely to stay angry only for some time; eventually, the anger will fade away and a fresh emotion will arise.

Interestingly, an abundance of good feelings, and emotional satisfaction, become the criterion for a successful life. However, emotions present problems for the mind (which is just the personality). When emotions become intense, they neutralise intellectual concerns. In fact, common negatively-valued emotions such as self-pity, fear, and anxiety, as well as moods like depression, actually tend to inhibit rationality – in particular, intense anxiety seems to produce a mental fog in one’s mind, making it impossible to study.

Experts also advise that it is important to understand the nature of emotions if we really want to forge ahead and make our relationship work. This is because it has profound implications for psychotherapy.

Interestingly, a lot of people think that their feelings are the same as emotions. This is not true because there are fundamental differences between feelings and emotions. There are a multitude of emotions, but only three feelings. These include the pleasant one, the unpleasant one, and the neutral one. The importance of feelings is that they help give rise to emotions, that is, the bases of all emotions are the three feelings.

Sometimes you can keep emotional hope alive in the face of certain odds. “Midway into the relationship, things just went upside down and I thought it was all over. However, I made up my mind to play along because I loved her so much. She continued to date the other guy who turned out to be a Casanova. When she realized that I was the one that genuinely loved her, she ran back to me.”

So how did he survive during the hurting period? you wonder. “Well, I must confess that it was really tough but I was determined to make it in spite of the odds. I filled my heart with memories of some of the happy moments we shared together just before the emotional crisis. His ever-smiling face, sexy eyeballs, and loving smile encouraged me to bank on luck.”

When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that a lot of people who are busy, successful, and inspiring sometimes have issues with their partners in their lives.

The big question, therefore, would be whether being successful reduces the amount of emotional current you give. Are you likely to be selfish and self-centered?

Your environment, level of exposure, and age also determine how you feel. A medical doctor explains the state of mind of young girls going into puberty as anxious and adventurous. “At this age, it is normal to feel curious, anxious, and ashamed, especially if you are the only girl in the house. I also have a case of someone who was happy because she was going to wear a bra. Others are ashamed and they wear double vests to cover the bump. Some of the changes include menstruation, pubic hair, pimples, growing by the hips, nipples, and other internal organs.”

She adds: “Mood swings also occur and the sex hormones are responsible for sexual maturity.  Here the young ones need information to guide them from irresponsible people who would want to take advantage of them.”

Biodun is a playboy. He likes having adventures here and there. In the process, hearts are broken and mended. For the fun-loving young man, that is the way it should be; no harm intended. No big deal. At the end of each emotional rat race, he withdraws back to the real shell, Doris. That is the girl who makes his heart skip a bit every time; others are just past times. They fill the variety is the spice of life gap and when he gets tired of the counterfeits, then he goes back to the original.

Recently, he ran into an emotional nest that looked very beautiful at a glance. It was mesmerising all the way. This beautiful city chic had what any guy would fall for. Moyo was elegant and intelligent. She had a great apartment, nice cars and the right connections. Her qualities and friends made her magnetic; the kind of girl any man would want to date. In a short while, Biodun and Doris painted the city in colours. They were seen almost everywhere together. At this point, her friends concluded that she had finally captured his heart.

Unknown to the lover boy, Moyo desperately needed Biodun to complete her personality. Her dream was for him to abandon Doris who had been a major threat to their relationship all this while. The agenda here is to get married to him and make this dream a reality as soon as  possible.

Even if he decides to abandon her for the other woman, she could just get pregnant and be his baby mama. That for her would be a fair deal. In her late 30s, motherhood is the greatest thing that could happen to her now. Initially, the great lover boy was oblivious of the game plan, but gradually he began to smell a rat and being a smart guy, the best strategy was to withdraw completely.

When he did, he began to untie the emotional web and then took to his  heels .The big question here is if he finally escape from her?

 Not so easy! The babe pursued her emotional captive round the nooks and crannies causing all kinds of messy scene in the process. The last straw was the day she showed up at a party where Biodun proposed to Doris. The chic-about-town came around with some of her friends and caused  pandemonium. It was meant to be a memorable day, but this emotional spoiler stole the show and Doris cried like a baby.

In anger, Biodun pounced on her like an angry lion. In the midst of the confusion, one of her friends whispered, “Daku”(meaning faint). So, she fainted and there was more confusion. Surprisingly, Biodun remained calm and went out of the venue. Where is the man at the center of this confusion?everyone wondered. Then, he came back again. Interestingly, he heard when the girls plotted, asked her to faint and just played along. Instead of panicking, he went to his car  found his cigarette lighter and relaxed.  When he returned, his friend Tope just kept looking at him, wondering what he was up to and why he looked so unruffled considering the mess he appeared to be in.

He then lit another cigarette and put it close to her ears. Moyo jumped up and it was at that point that everyone realised that nothing was wrong with her. She was only pretending to have passed out. The girls ran out of the place in shame. Thank God it was finally over, now was sure that poor Doris was out of their emotional snare.

The crux of the matter here is that it takes an emotional thief to catch another thief. When you move with two pigs, then you must be ready to dance, walk and talk like one. If you are not same as the emotional character that you are dealing with, then you may just end up being the victim in the process.

We all know that no two relationships are the same. However, there are some things that would help us  have relationships that would endure the test of the time. The first is that you must be flexible with your thoughts and ideas. This does not mean that you have to sacrifice your core values, beliefs and priorities under relationship pressures. The truth of the matter here is that your relationship is likely to spiral downward if you have an “anything goes” policy.

One other way to have an interesting experience is to be a mystery. Unfortunately, some people tend to bore their partners and hang around thinking they would secure them this way. It’s comfortable and cozy when two people know absolutely everything about each other but are more likely to be drawn to a partner who has connections and a passion for life outside the relationship. You also need to remember that a long time relationship won’t flourish if your partner is someone for whom sex is an enlivening essential force and you’re too unavailable.

ANYONE can do anything with a million dollars. But it takes more than money to make something out of nothing”. This quote naturally tells us that we can do some much and execute lots of ideas when we have money. Dreams and ideas naturally translate to reality when we have money and resources to carry them out.

Money, companionship, opportunities are usually possible when the mega bucks abounds. Without this then we are talking about a life being compared to that of the rag. Poor, ragged, empty and worthless condition. But in the midst of physical and emotional poverty you can metamorphose to another state.

From experience many would tell you that nothing good comes easy. You really need to put great effort into the love nest to make it work. This brings to mind the rags to riches phrase and it takes you from obscurity and emptiness to your hearts desire.

Yes, we all agree that money is indeed a means to certain ends but there are so many other factors that must blend together to achieve a successful outcome. If this is not done then the resources that should matter would obviously go down the drain.

The crux of the matter here is that money on its own cannot move mountains whether for physical, emotional and other ends.

In Dolly Partons song, ‘Coat of many colours the lyrics talks about a box of rags in the season of her youth. A box of rags naturally suggests a collection of something useless, old, garbage, something awful and obviously something many would love to dissociate with.

Instead of looking at the odds the young girl and her mother decided to make the best out of nothing. Parton’s mother put the rags of many colours to use. Even though every piece was small, her mother sewed the rags together with passion and love. There was no money and her little girl needed something to keep her warm. This naturally would be a time when issues of love and romance would be at the peak.

This led to the creation of a coat of many colours. Of course, a coat is for comfort, protection and warmth .This basically are the things required in a relationship which can make or mar the relationship.

Even though the material used was weak and worthless, the maker of the coat reproduced something worthwhile with love. To support this show of motherly love her mother related this to the biblical Joseph’s coat of many colours. Her dream was for the coat to bring her daughter good luck and happiness and she blessed it with a kiss. On her part Little Dolly just couldn’t wait to wear it.

Even though her friends laughed at her rags, she wore it with great pride.

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“Although we had no money I was rich as I could be

In my coat of many colors

So with patches on my britches

Holes in both my shoes

In my coat of many colors

I hurried off to school

Just to find the others laughing

I couldn’t understand it

For I felt I was rich

And I told them of the love

My momma sewed in every stitch

But they didn’t understand it

And I tried to make them see

That one is only poor

Only if they choose to be”

Interestingly, this applies to our emotions too. Most times what we are left with are emotional rags. Things that make us cry each time we look back from here we are coming from and where we finally find ourselves. Instead of having our emotions lined with rich fabrics like lace, silk, cotton, velvet or linen that is sweet to behold, you are overwhelmed with rags that are no longer attractive. Interestingly, the most important thing you need to forge ahead is not the rags or the lace of emotions. The crucial thing that is going to see you through the affectionate lane is your attitude. You have to develop the right attitude all the time, it would be the only tonic required to make it a successful emotional journey.

There are different steps to take in order to make your relationship wax stronger no matter the odds that comes your way. First you have to be sure that the feeling you are experiencing is love and that this feelings are mutual. Once this is ascertained then you can move on to the next stage which entails showing love to each other.

This will help to maintain and increase the loving feelings that you have for one another. Unfortunately, it is not everyone who knows how to express such feelings properly. Sometimes, what you think is going to help project your love may just turn out to be a turn off for the person that you are desperately trying to impress.

Conversely not expressing love can also hurt the bond you share with your partner in a terrible way. So if you are trying to work out a successful relationship, then you must be committed to your partner’s emotional well-being, even when it isn’t easy. This means sharing affection with your partner, through good times and bad, when it’s most needed and when it’s least expected.

This task is usually easy when you are the romantic type. Romance is essential to have at least some of the time. Candles, candlelight, compliments, romantic bubble baths, and romantic dinners are good ideas. So it is wise to try to inject a romance into some of the things you do and how you relate with the one you love.

IT must have been love but it’s over now…..That song aptly captures how, Deola is feeling at the moment. A few months ago, the song was different, then she was up the love ladder, looking forward to the sweet ending romantic type of experience in the arms of Soji, the guy who stole her heart and reduced her to the emotional wreck that she has now become.

It was love but she lost it somehow. Could it have been due to her carelessness on the emotional corridor, was she over possessive or was it something that was bound to happen anyway.

Now , that her emotional ship has sunk and the stars have cleared from her eyes, this may just be the right time to take stock and try to find out what happened.

Not a time to be judgmental at all. All she needs now is a clear head and some appraisal of the things she did or left undone. The truth of the matter is that our friend loved Soji with all her heart, this love was generous, lavishing attention on someone who had already been pampered by other contestants in the emotional pageant. Cat walking for love isn’t a crime though but the important lesson here is to be focused on the prize and do the needful. There is no point hanging around a heart that has been won or a heart that want to eat the emotional crown as well as have it back. Soji had so many unstable friends, guys who so many ‘loots’ and were always ready to grab more. In that kind of scenario, you are just more or less part of crowd; they have lost count of hearts in their kitty. Most likely, his going make mistakes about your names on phone forget the gift he once gave you or mix up your birthday with another.

Still fooling around?  Yes, he was and in the process a lot of damages were done to this poor heart. She got into fights a couple of times, we babes who were more aggressive than she was; she got a lot of threats online and nasty phone calls. And one of the ladies on the hot seat actually promised to do everything to eject our friend from the emotional process. Yes, she won and has acquired the loot or can we say the emotional asset”.

Now, she knows better and is ready to tell anyone who cares to listen, that the emotional arena is not for,’toddlers’. You must be in charge, not just about one person falling madly and deeply in love, rather than sharing their partner’s less intense feelings of slight infatuation.

If you are in a one-sided relationship, you might want to consider getting out before continuing down a long, painful, heartbreaking road.

The crux of the matter here is that a one-sided partnership leaves you feeling like your relationship needs aren’t being met because you’re the one putting in all of the efforts. You are giving 90 per cent and he is giving just 10 per cent or even less. One basic fact is that when you’re in love, it’s easy to be blinded by the signs of a one-sided romance.

Of course, there are some signs to watch out for that may determine if you are forcing yourself on your partner. One of such is when you notice that you are the one that initiate most of the communication in the relationship like sending text messages and phones calls. Here, you may just discover that when you don’t give do this, several days could go by without exchanging a single word.

Also related to this is the fact that you may just be  if your partner never hesitates to ask favors of you that requires you to sacrifice your time and energy, yet when it’s time to reciprocate the favor, he or she never seems to have the time.

The worst part of this kind of emotional bargain is when you have to apologise for things you didn’t do or things you shouldn’t apologise for. Here, you will just discover that such partners are a master of guilt-tripping and they would make you feel bad for things you have no reason to worry over.

The climax is when you realised that the heart that you are clinging desperately onto just doesn’t care about. Too much love brings emotional arrogance and pride. It is so puffed up and wouldn’t give a damn about your feelings. Tears? Forget it, shedding the real tears or its crocodile version wouldn’t change anything. You have simply lost your ‘loot’; other hearts are desperately lobbying for space along this emotional corridor. Perhaps, it is better to let sleeping dogs lie? No way!  To survive, you may just have to draw inspiration from the animal kingdom, being as wise as the emotional serpent or draw inspiration from Mr. Tortoise and his antics.