The Nation Newspaper

Category: RELATIONSHIP

  • Is your partner entitled to your passwords in a relationship?

    Rois Ola

    When you have been in a relationship for a long time with your partner, your lives will become intertwined, which means the list of things the two of you share will gradually get longer and longer, your friends, interests, dislikes and so on sharing passwords in this digital age is now a big issue, as social media deprives more and more people of secrecy or privacy, yet encourages people to keep secrets in life, confusing right? It might sound silly, but in this digital day and age, sharing passwords in a relationship is enough to break relationship practically our whole lives are online, and giving someone that level of access to us can be frightening, words can be misunderstood, misinterpreted and can be perceived as what is not.

    In some cases, swapping passwords might be the new norm in some relationships, while for some it is unheard of. If your password is meant to be personal, how come it is common amongst couple and an issue if one partner resists sharing?

    It’s common sometimes for partners to share their passwords because they believe that this is a significant step to show that they trust you and you should trust them. Personally I have observed that partners also share passwords for convenience. For instance, if I need log on to my partner’s computer in the study to do some work, I may need it at a time he won’t be available, so the logical thing would be to give it to me so I don’t keep calling every single day for it. Right?

    In a situation where you and your partner trust each other, it might seem like nothing at all when you swap login in details and password, especially for seemingly harmless things like Netflix, family computer in the study etc. but there is a mighty difference when it comes to getting your partners Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and any other related password. It takes loads of trust to allow them have access to these platforms, having that level of transparency takes a lot of guts and risk because anything can go wrong

    The risks of sharing passwords in a relationship

    But just because it’s common and can help to build trust , showing transparency does not  mean sharing passwords with your partner is always a good idea. It will appear beautiful and wonderful when all is well with you both. The minute a breakup occurs then that’s when the sweating and fear will begin, sometimes as far as blackmail. So be wise! When an ex has access to your details, it is a big risk of a million and one things going bad.

    Sharing password establishes trust no doubt, but the point here is it can also be extremely risky.  A partner that seems trustworthy at first could easily use your password to commit fraud or worse still identity theft, buy things you don’t want, clear out your credit card, swipe your whole cash, relocate with all you have or expose you to harmful virus, debt and land you in jail.

    There’s also a risk that your partner could   take advantage and revenge against you or anyone they wish to harm in the event of a breakup. The lure of people sharing your private info to the world is real and can destroy your life. Everything being rosy now does not mean it will remain rosy. Change is a constant fact of life

    I personally advise that you remember to change your passwords right after a break-up, just in case. We do not pay for break-ups; the reality is they do happen.” Better to be safe than sorry. “

    Is it ever a good idea to exchange passwords with your partner?

    There are risks involved, but if you are smart about it, sharing with your partner is not such a bad idea and doesn’t have to end badly.

    The basic rule is to ensure you just don’t share with every partner you come across, you need to study and test them to be sure you can TRUST them.

    You have to really get to know them, establish rules and boundaries so that they already understand what is acceptable, provided you have nothing to hide once secrets they should know and you are not telling is involved then, that automatically changes the game.

    At this point, your relationship now turns into a game. I personally advise give it a year at least before you share passwords.

    When you’re with someone long-term, and especially if you live together, it can be tempting to share passwords simply for convenience’s sake.

    Read Also: How to deal with confessions in a relationship

     

    But just because it might make things easier doesn’t mean it’s a decision you and your partner should make lightly, because it’s not something that works for every long-term couple, sometimes it backfires. So you need to be absolutely sure of all risks involved.

    Some people enjoy sharing everything and see nothing wrong with it, while some have trust issues which may take a while, some would rather not share at all.

    What I consider a danger sign is if one side feels the need to sneak around and spy on the other, they may have much bigger issues than mere lack of boundaries and this attitude needs to be taken note of seriously.

    How to set healthy boundaries about online privacy

    You must as a matter of principle decide if your relationship is ready for the intimacy of swapping passwords, it’s not something you should do spur-of-the-moment or because the love between you both is so sweet at the moment, it’s important to first have a conversation about your online privacy boundaries, and what those will look like in the event that you exchange passwords. Communication like I always preach is key. Dialogue and discussions as at when due is what any healthy relationship requires. Agree on what you both feel is comfortable for either of you and be at peace with it. If there is any reason for an over step of boundaries, then revisit the conversation again.

    As with anything in a relationship, the biggest key to successfully transitioning into the sharing passwords lifestyle with your partner is to make sure you communicate with each other any time an issue pops up, or whenever you feel a boundary has been crossed. Ultimately, if you truly trust each other and have the foundation of a solid, long-lasting relationship, sharing passwords will just be the next step towards growing closer and more intimate with your partner.

    In other words, sharing your password is not a big deal, but can become a big deal if not properly handled as adults. Everyone has boundaries of what they can tolerate.

    Find out what your partners’ boundaries are and stick with. You may be ready to give all your million passwords away and your spouse is not ready to cross that border yet.

    Give it time and show how committed and trustworthy you are. It is important to note that misused passwords can not only have a ripple effect but a long term negative effect in all areas from relationship to career to family and to brand destruction.

    Some people have the tendency of taking their partners online transparency for granted, by going through their messages without their consent.

    I will not encourage or advise this behaviour. It can destroy you inside out. It never ends well when you see what you should not have seen, especially if your partner is busy sliding into people’s DMs sharing sexy photos and all without your knowledge.

    It is a game that quickly goes out of control and highly addictive. What is yours should not be controlled. There is no easy answer to life, but various experiences that shape and form our actions and opinions.

    It is only time and situations that can show you who truly loves you. I wish you all the best.

  • Six reasons people breakup their relationships

    Odogwu Chinememma with Agency reports

     

    Relationship breakup, often referred to as breakup, is the termination of an intimate relationship by any means other than death. Breakup happens as a result of different reasons, irrespective of the kind of bond between partners or friends, be it electro-valent or covalent bonding.

    A ten year old relationship can break apart so is a relationship that has been rubber stamped by family and friends, it is something that is inevitable, even when you try to put in your very best into the relationship, you still see the breaking coming, until it finally hit you.

    This article is not narrowed only to what causes breakup in a dating relationship alone, it also reveals some causes of breakup in friendship relationships.

    Below are six reasons people breakup

    1. Betrayal: Many relationships end because of betrayal from friends and spouses. Betrayal might be as a result of exposing secrets of friends given to you in confidence, lying to your spouse and cheating on your spouse. Betrayal can be very disheartening when it comes from someone we really trust.

    2. Lack of trust: When you discover your spouse is cheating on you, or your friendly is an ally to your worst enemy, you’ll start to lose trust in them which could in turn cause a breakup.

    3. Not celebrating your spouse or friend: This happens a lot in relationships, there are times your friends are celebrating their birthdays or graduation ceremony, and you couldn’t make out time to celebrate them, either by calling, sending texts or gifts, however, you simply ignored feeling it is nothing. That little act of not celebrating a loved one, can cause pain to the person which could lead to a breakup.

    Read Also; Lover stabs married rival to death in Bayelsa

    4. Pride: This is known as the downfall of man. Pride has caused a lot of people their relationships; this is because the act of saying sorry has been overtaken by pride. You know fully well you are wrong, but you make up your mind never to apologise. Pride can cause a relationship of 5years to be history. We should learn to be humble and always say sorry when at a fault.

    5. Being open minded: When something is wrong or things are not going the way you planned them, you should be able to communicate with your friends or spouse, instead of bottling everything up, expecting them to understand what you are going through. Not being open-minded with your friends and spouses might put a strain on the relationship which could lead to breakup.

    6 When the relationship is one sided or driven by one person: A relationship without equal love will lead to no where. Your friend or spouse do the calling, provide all the necessary things you need, they sacrifice everything just to make the relationship work, still the love is not balanced, this can bring an end to the relationship.

  • How to deal with confessions in a relationship

    By Rois Ola

    AZUKA and Nkem grew up as childhood sweethearts, Azuka’s parents and Nkem’s parents had been family friends for years. They both went to the same primary school but due to a federal government policy, Azuka and her family had to relocate to another city.

    Fortunately, they reunited in university and their love for each other was stronger than ever. They eventually got married a few years after University, but never told each other some secrets from their past while they were separated. Azuka was raped by her maternal uncle while in secondary school and gave birth to a baby girl, whom the world thinks is her baby sister. Nkem on the other hand had once been arrested for armed robbery immediately after high school, due to his parents influence he was set free, he is now a changed man and wants to be a law abiding citizen, yet Azuka is not aware of this past life.

    After a while Azuka’s mother died and the question of who would be responsible for Azuka’s daughter came up unfortunately Nkem was not aware Azuka was a mother, because she never told him. Nkem also needed to change jobs but was denied the new position because of his past criminal record and unfortunately he never told Azuka!!

    This is a situation many people face, some are free from it, while some will never be and die with these secrets. Life is truly tough because we continuously face the consequence of our decisions every single day.

    It is said by some researchers that one in every five people have kept major secrets from their partner. These secrets come in different forms from secret savings, to secret house, to secret children, secret spouse, secret car, secret clothes, secret investments, secret cash and the list goes on. There’s a general assumption that secrets are bad. And it’s a pretty reliable rule of thumb that honesty is best with the people you love like your partner, your children, your family, your best friend, anyone who matters to you deserves the TRUTH. — because secrets get in the way of real intimacy, they hinder you, they keep nagging your mind and thought, make you falter. But there are all sorts of reasons why, sometimes, coming clean may do more harm than good, some secrets destroy everything and the ripple effect is just like a tsunami sweeping everything away.

    In this case I’m not talking about small secrets, but really who is to say what’s small or big in terms of secrets?  What may be small to you, will appear mighty to another person. A minor misdemeanor is another person’s betrayal.

    Read Also: How to survive a broken relationship

     

    Long-held secrets have the ability to destroy more than you can imagine. Why?  because the person is changed forever in the other person’s eyes, you just may never be able to see them the same way again. generally, people recover on different levels some do not have the ability to recover from betrayal of trust, however hard they try, this is just how it is for them.

    I mean obviously if you KNOW what you are doing is wrong why do it anyway? When it will be so difficult to own up, but then this is life, full of mystery and should we say “the devil?” who makes us do things (he always gets the blame).  The sad part is there is nothing like the right time for a confession, the day you think is the right time may be the wrong one, but you cannot keep avoiding it.

    There is a research (not my opinion) that 18 per cent of over-40s keep hefty stashes of cash secret from their partners. While another says some couples can keep secrets for as long as 25years (wow really?) then again who is a saint? Who is willing to cast the first stone?

    I will discuss a few of these secrets with you below

    The secret of having Affairs and/ or one-night stand

    I believe that the damage a secret can cause in your relationship depends on your personal perception. Also in some cases how your partner perceives it to be, the more you keep it, the harder it is to confess. The secret will not give you peace of mind. I had a case of someone who had a one-night stand, that was meant to be “meaningless” the cost of keeping over time became an additional burden. let’s not even talk about porn, debt, gambling, another wife or husband hidden somewhere or having a constant side chick or side bae, an ongoing relationship that does not seem to have an expiry date.

    Coming clean means you have to change, are you ready to?

    The Effect of confession

    It may be a relief at long last to get a secret off your chest and finally be free. But what about the person who has been kept in the dark? How can you tell what the reaction will be? secrecy is deadly.   It is nearly always better not to have secrets, but sometimes it might be better to keep quite in a wise Head, the decision is yours. You have to think about what you’re hoping to achieve and be ready for the consequence, you also have to think about keeping quiet and be ready for what comes after or maybe never just maybe.

    Secrets of the family

    For any family, there should be boundaries on secrecy. while some couples may think there is nothing wrong in letting the kids know about what goes on between the couple it is not ideal to be too open or frank with them, especially if they are not old enough to fully comprehend issues on ground. Honesty is best. But that doesn’t mean revealing all the dirty details. I usually advise that couples should censor with wisdom their words and think carefully about motives before you give away too much about your life or issues between you and your partner

    Ultimately, it’s up to you as a couple to decide what’s appropriate for them. But never underestimate the impact of revealing secrets to your children. Be wise

    Steps to take if you decide to confess a secret

    — Think about how your partner will feel. Will it be good? will be bad? or downright ugly? Put yourself in his or her shoes.

    — It’s an awesome relief if you have now decided to come clean yourself. It’s much harder if you get caught with that secret, and also difficult if you are the one it is being hidden from.

    — Be ready for hard work, because when trust is lost gaining it back is serious pressure, your every move after this will be scrutinized closely, you must be ready. And it will take time. Sometimes it is difficult to gauge the real depth of damage confession brings. It’s just a risk one may have to take to set things right.

    —  The onus will now be on you to lay emphasis that you believe honesty is a risk worth taking because you value the relationship (that will not be easy to say)

    —  Have it in mind that if your relationship is truly strong, and you are prepared to put in the work, and also face the music, then confession can lead to renewed trust and closeness. you just have to try and convince them that you will not or never repeat those things and own up quickly when you need help to resist. I wish you all the best.

  • 10 ways to tell your partner to lose weight without hurting them

    Praise Olowe 

     

    Discussing someone’s weight is never a comfortable conversation. It might even be tricky if it involves your partner.

    As difficult as it may be, it is important to discuss it as this could actually affect your relationship.

    Here are 10 ways to get the message across, in some subtle ways.

     

    Assess the need to discuss weight.

    The first and most important thing to do is to access the need to have such a discussion.

    If your partner remains within a healthy weight bracket and only loses or puts on a couple of pounds, there is no need to bring up the issue. Also, some medications and/or hormonal changes (e.g. pregnancy or midlife hormonal changes in men and women) can result in weight change that your partner has little control over. If your partner is gaining or losing an unhealthy amount of weight for a reason that is within their control, it might warrant a discussion about their health and happiness.

    • If your partner is within normal weight range, encourage healthy eating and fitness, but don’t push them to lose or gain more weight. Instead, aim for maintenance of good habits as a lifestyle approach to health.
    • You might also consider if your partner’s weight has affected their ability to participate in certain activities, such as playing with your kids, going out on dates, or keeping up with simple household tasks.
    • Consider how quickly your partner’s weight has changed as well. If your partner has suddenly gained or lost a noticeable amount of weight, then you may want to bring this up. If your partner gained or lost weight over a period of years, then it might not be a cause for concern if they are healthy otherwise.

     

    Wait for a good time to bring it up

    Keep in mind that most people who are over or underweight are very aware of this fact. They do not necessarily need to be told that they have a weight problem but might need a supportive dialogue to help them stay motivated to stay healthy.

    The very best moment to begin talking about weight loss or weight gain is when your partner complains or mentions being unhappy about their weight.

    They might comment that they are having trouble putting on an old pair of pants or are unhappy with how they look standing in front of the mirror. This is a clear indication that they have acknowledged the weight change, and they are unhappy with it.

     

    Tell your partner that you are concerned about them

    If your partner’s weight appears to be unhealthy to you, you might decide it needs to be discussed. Once you bring up the discussion, you need to make it clear to your partner that you are concerned about their health, happiness and your relationship.

    Mention the things that the two of you enjoy, and how those things would be affected if your partner’s health was to take a hit.

     

    Make it clear that you are still attracted to your partner

    The truth is the moment you bring up the weight gain issue with your partner, he or she begins to feel insecure.

    Any person would be hurt if they believed their partner was no longer attracted to them. When you discuss your partner’s weight, you need to be certain to reassure them that you are attracted to them. Knowing that you still love them and find them attractive will help your partner stay confident and give them the strength to make healthy changes.

    Make a point to say things like “I am only bringing this up because I love you, and want you to stay healthy. It doesn’t change how I feel about you, or how attracted I am to you.”

    Read Also: The dangers of hypersexuality in a relationship

     

    Make love and health the centrepieces of the conversation

    Telling your partner that they are unattractive or lazy will only drive a wedge between the two of you, and hurt them emotionally. This kind of language has no place in a loving conversation. Instead, you should focus on how much you care for your partner and want them to remain healthy.

    Do not use health as a way to guilt your partner. Saying things like “If you really loved me, you’d take care of yourself,” is damaging to the relationship, and simply untrue.

    Use “I” statements to keep blame off of your partner. Say something like “ What can I do to help?”

     

    Leave criticism out of the conversation

    Criticizing a person for their weight will leave them emotionally hurt, and damage your relationship. This kind of criticism also makes it harder for the person to confide in you and can lead to secret binge eating or purging.

    More often than not, the criticism becomes yet another roadblock to losing or gaining a healthy amount of weight instead of motivation.

    Saying something like “You keep gaining weight because you won’t stop eating junks,” will only make your partner uncomfortable with you knowing their food choices. Instead, you could say something more constructive.

     

    Keep your opinion in perspective

    Your partner is likely to be aware that their clothes don’t fit as they used to but may not treat the issue as seriously as you do. It could be a wake-up call for your partner that you do see this as a major health issue. Be careful not to shame or embarrass your partner when bringing up your concerns.

    For example, if your partner mentions that they can’t wear their favourite pair of jeans anymore you could say something like “If you’d like, we can start going for walks and see if we can both fit back into our old clothes.”

     

    Consider your partner’s mental health

    Sometimes weight changes may result from challenges like work pressures (stress), depression or anxiety. Weight changes can also be associated with sadness and loss, such after the death of a loved one or the loss of a job. Talking to a health professional can help sort out mental health issues as well as physical ones.

     

    Motivation, not pressure

    Suggest activities you can do together and that guarantee a healthier lifestyle for both of you. Jogging as a couple, taking dance classes or cooking fresh, healthy meals several times per week are excellent examples. You’ll burn additional calories and strengthen your relationship at the same time.

     

    Celebrate victories

    Don’t forget to celebrate even the smallest victories. If your partner gains or loses two pounds toward their goal weight, go to the movies together or treat your partner to a manicure or massage. Mark each victory with a celebration so that they know that you’re truly rooting for their success.

    www.wikihow.com

  • The dangers of hypersexuality in a relationship

    With Rois Ola

    Ugonna and Chris (not real names) had been dating for a year.Six months into the relationship, Chris discovered that Ugonna had a serious sex addiction problem.

    He spoke to her about getting help, but she insisted there was no issue,although  deep within herself she knew that she had a major sexual behavior challenge. She secretly did a research online and found out she was suffering from hyper sexuality also known as sexual addiction.

    One day, Ugonna had an official meeting with a few colleagues and felt a sudden urge to play with her private part. She reached out to her clitoris and gently started rubbing it. A few minutes later she got an orgasm.

    Unknown to her, a colleague had seen Ugonna dip her hand into her pant.A feeling of disgust and embarrassment seized her colleague. She soon  told other people what she saw, one of them a cousin of Chris who quickly called his attention to Ugonna’s disturbing behavior on that day.

    This is one of many examples of what people experiencing sexual addiction face.

    Others may experience compulsive masturbation and other intimate behaviors. Anyone who has a partner exhibiting such symptoms should be on the alert. These can come in various forms like

    * intense sexual fantasies and orgies that take up all your time and are out of their control, even when you try to help them.

    *You have an argument with them or they go through a tough time at work or any situation and the next thing they do is to engage in sexual behavior that has serious consequences (for instance, fondling private parts more than once unconsciously in public); or

    * you discover your partner has trouble establishing and maintaining  a healthy relationship with you, with some sexual fantasy that may not agree with you. This can lead to many complications  such as  struggling with shame.They may develop mental conditions in addition;  lie about their  situation; show signs of depression ;or engage  in sexual activity especially through the internet. In some cases, when your spouse is unable to function normally in a social gathering and environment they end up losing their job and ability to relate properly with people.They may end up  accumulating debts, or give you sexually transmitted infections.

    If you notice that your partner is spending endless hours watching pornography or , chatting on phone  while you are physically and emotionally available for her/him,then you need to act fast  to address the problem. Some have lost the will for discipline and even watch porn while at work, stay up all night watching porn and would prefer calling in sick instead of addressing how this behavior is affecting your love for them and health.

    The truth is your partner could be having issues with anxiety and depression. It could be that it is not “addictive” but a means to reduce” stress”, boredom, low mood.  Are you and your spouse having a mismatch in sex drive? It is common to accuse a partner of being sexually insatiable all the time and yet you are the one that has a low libido, so low that compared to the average person, your performance level is poor. There are cases where women set a time table for sex once in a month, probably on birthdays, Christmas day and maybe Valentine day.Anything else is no no !! The implication of this is that your spouse may end up patronizing strippers and sex workers to have as much sex as they wish.They love you and don’t want to divorce you, so would rather keep going to sex workers to keep the home. This CAN NOT LAST. Or do we talk about the men who prefer having a new sex partner every week, and decide they do not want the stress of monogamy. In some cases, if they are very attractive they ensure they indulge in sex to the full. Let’s not even talk about the ones that love “kinky sex” playing with “dangerous” life threatening “toys”.

    Read lso: How to identify your soul mate in your relationship

     

    If you think your partner may be hypersexual, ask yourself if their sexual behaviors cause you harm or distress, or impairment in your daily functions including those they relate with generally. The best way to help them overcome this behavior is to address the underlying issues driving this behavior, as opposed to focusing on the sexual nature of them. Honesty is very important here, denial of your spouse in this issue cannot help recovery.They need all the support they can get. Counselling with a mental health professional might also be helpful when working through these problems.

    As a society, (maybe because of dictates of our culture) we need to stop stigmatizing people around sex, it leads to pain and suffering. Let us address the issues from the root .If your spouse is going through self-denial, you need to be gentle in showing them the way. Or else you will be hindered in having an  open discussion which can help you know the exact help they may require. These few steps can help

    • Know and understand what the exact issue is.
    • Know what to do after identifying this issue with your spouse.
    • Help your partner know themselves.
    • Help them to be willing to communicate by showing love and not disgust.
    • Seek for counselling medical or mental, they must accept either or both of the options.
    • Avoid procrastination: if your spouse is actually enjoying the destructive nature of this challenge, and has no control, then you need to decide if you can bear it or not .Procrastination in dealing with the issues on ground can destroy you both

    A few friends always ask how can this be avoided? I don’t have an exact answer to this, but I can say some things for sure, you need to RUN from risky situations. If you are familiar with the story of Joseph when he was escaping from Potiphar’s wife, it is said that he fled for his life. RUN as fast as you can but the first thing is to own up if you or partner is facing this, that is the first stage to healing. Ensuring you avoid risky places or things that can trigger it will help with time. It is a battle your spouse may not be able to win alone, unless he or she has a very strong will to actually stop or seek help. It is a battle that can be won together!! I wish you all the best.

  • Lust, love and fluctuations

    LOST and stranded, Ifedayo just cannot understand the alternating emotional current that she is experiencing at the moment. As much as she tries to decode the tune from the radio for better signals, the tunes are discordant.  Perhaps it is better to shift the emotional antenna in another direction for connection. Sadly, it is still the same old story.  It is obviously an outpour of emotion but the message is vague and confusing; how is she ever going to understand these alternating emotional currents?

    To be or not to be? That is the emotional question on her lips now. She met her true love, Bayo, at the hospital when her father had an accident. It was a very traumatic period in her life and he was a great comforter. It was a wonderful relationship after a few nasty experiences with men. Bayo literately swept her off her feet and the word resistance vanished from her emotional lexicon.

    Was this sacrifice worth the while? Well, the Romeo was glued to her emotional frequency for a while. It was very alluring and listening to these love vibes consistently, our dear friend was certain that the frequency was just right. Those sweet emotional lyrics and lullabies brought tears of joy. Just when she thought she couldn’t do without the dude in question, the source of the emotional current was tampered with and there was an emotional blackout.

    Can we really blame the Romeo in question? He became bored with the package and began to tune to other emotional frequencies that had a variety of options to offer. Reality zone! Should she fight for control of the emotional station? The truth of the matter was that she had never fought over a guy in her life and so there was no need to fight for this one. If he was truly hers, he would certainly come back. Time and distance bring lots of distractions. The vacuum also brought new frequencies to a heart that was distorted and disorganised. Instead of struggling with melancholic vibrations, she tuned to a lust frequency. A mistake? To her utmost surprise, the selections on the turn table were melodious. It turned out to have vibes that were scintillating. Meanwhile, Bayo is tired of the lust frequency and was trying to reconnect. The feeling did not match the expectations. No, this was not the kind of music (love) that he craved for. Back with a bang? He was on but Ifedayo was no longer operating on that frequency. She was actually operating on something higher and more adventurous. End of the story? This time around, Bayo had learnt his lessons and he knew he needed to give her time. Time to know and understand that what she was feeling was nothing but distraction. He was right, twelve weeks after it was all over and she was back in his arms.

    They almost missed it. Interestingly, they are not alone. A number of lovebirds have been distracted along the lust frequency. It is therefore wise to make sure you understand the heart that you are cruising with if you really love the person. Also make sure that you are operating on the same frequency and make room for adjustments. Failure to do this can take you treasure from one point of distraction to the other.

    Did I just hear you say that your heart can never be distracted? A big joke? Love and lust are like Siamese twins, where you find one, you find the other. If you are still in doubt, then you must listen to what Tim Hunt, a biochemist, says about distraction and the laboratory.

    “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls,” Mr. Hunt told an audience at the World Conference of science journalists in South Korea. “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticise them they cry.”

    His summation here is that women are a romantic distraction in the laboratory. Truth here is that men get carried away most of the time and it doesn’t matter who you are; temptations abound. The Nobel laureate had to resign as honorary professor at University College London after saying this because there was an uproar about women being a romantic distraction in the laboratory.

    The crux of the matter is that the emotional frequency fluctuates and you need to be prepared to handle the currents without tears.

    True connection is one of love’s bedrock prerequisites, a prime reason that love is unconstitutional but instead requires a particular stance. Neither abstract nor mediated, true connection is physical and unfolds in real time. It requires sensory and temporal co-presence of bodies.

    The main mode of sensory connection, scientists contend, is eye contact. Other forms of real-time sensory contact include touch, voice or mirrored body postures and gestures. Nevertheless, eye contact, experts inform, is the most potent, trigger for connection and oneness.

  • How to survive a broken relationship

    With Rois Ola

    THESE days, and even in the past, it can be said that surviving when your relationship breaks up can be a very difficult time. It is indeed a painful process of grief and sorrow.  Losing a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife can can be likened to a heart  that is  about to burst  from severe pain.  It is not uncommon to  see  people exhibit   depression or hear  about  attempts at suicide, self-harm or harm to others at the end of a “wonderful” relationship.

    Relationship issues, from my experience, are one of the reasons people seek counsel and, often times ,go through depression. People   cope with breakup at various levels. Unfortunately, our society does not properly educate people on how to deal with FAILURE, much less of heart break. I will do my best to explain techniques you can use to cope in healthy ways, when it comes to matters of the heart although  the healing period cannot be determined. You can only do the best to accept the situation, re strategize and then move on.

    Let me also warn that my tips will NOT stop you from experiencing pain of loss. They will only help give you clarity and guide you through the process of loss as fast as your heart and feelings can manage it . And of course still enable you enjoy better relationship with others.

    1.Try not to fight the feeling of grief

    Break ups sometimes come  with severe negative feelings: your head spins with unimaginable thoughts most of the time. Such  feelings include  sadness, anger, confusion, resentment, jealousy, fear and regret, and suicide being the worst of them all.  If you try to ignore or suppress these feelings, you will only prolong the process, and sometimes get totally stuck trying to overcome the pain.   As hard as it is, you will not be able to avoid this pain;but  realize that these feelings, over time, will reduce. It starts with shock, sometimes denial, anger, depression and after a short while, or long while ,acceptance. Ensure the acceptance does not come with bitterness.  Severe grief feels like it will last forever, but I can tell you from experience that it will and can never last forever.

    1. Look for avenues to express your feelings

    Talking about your feelings on  the break-up is an equally powerful way to cope with the grief arising therefrom . Friends, family members can help ease the pain, which will help one come to some new understanding and relieve your pain. Several perspectives of trusted people who can give you a shoulder to lean on can guide you on how to discover your feelings and survive them. The key point is to make sure you don’t isolate yourself and withdraw from those who can support you and those who truly love you.

    1. Document your feelings

    Even after you have spoken to others and cried on a shoulder, writing down how you feel is therapeutic.It helps guide your feelings and thoughts  because the fact is that people may not always be available.You may also not like the idea of confiding in people at the beginning. Some feelings are too deep to share, so the act of writing it out can still help you heal. At some point the pain will be in the  past and no longer in the  present. 4.  Break-ups are sometimes out of your control

    Many relationships especially in dating end up in break up. This is the nature of life itself.What we need is someone who will  complement us, bearing in mind that no one is perfect. You need to keep searching. With this mindset you won’t be ready to kill yourself if one or several don’t work out as planned. You may have to try several times to get the man or woman of your dream. If at first you don’t succeed, pick yourself up and try again.

    1. Don’t forget who you are

    Care of self is a technique which states that you must ensure that your needs are met, despite the fact that you may be feeling upset and depressed due to the break-up.  You may not feel like eating but do it anyway, and try to make some healthy choices in what you eat.Don’t binge  or starve yourself or go on pain inflicting fasts because you are upset.It is better you are alive to love again, than die and your ex now finds true love.  Give yourself time to rest, particularly since this may be difficult for you.  Sleep deprivation will only increase your pain.Start an exercise, join a keto club, join a gym, just do something.

    1. Get your life back

    Going through a break-up can disrupt your life. The best is to continue your basic routines to, at least, give you a sense of normalcy;routines that can keep your mind busy.Don’t just sit and feel miserable:get up, move on and live your life

    1. You are special, treat yourself that way

    Now is the time to pamper yourself.  You need to do something that will actively make yourself feel better. Go to a special restaurant, movie, club, take a friend who can keep you company and engage you in good conversation.Buy new books to  read, improve your mind and you will find that your thoughts will gradually start drifting to better things.

    1. Shit happens, get over it

    You will not get back to full capacity immediately, definitely.It  takes time,but you will eventually get there. You will be under a lot of stress quite alright.If you are schooling and see that you can’t cope, it may be wise to relax or defer for a bit , if you can manage that .It just gives you time to process your loss I would advise you don’t process for too long, because if you do , your grades will go down,and that  will be another future headache. So while you are grieving get  hold of yourself and accept that you are not waiting for a phone call or some plea to get back together.Accept it is over and move on.

    1. Your Ex is your EX keep it that way

    I will never advise that you never depend on your ex to help you do anything; you have to learn to live your life without them. Make effort to ensure they are not within your line of sight. It has to be a clean break or else you may not be able to recover from them. Even if you wish to remain as friends , wait for a while.

    1. Healing is the goal not REVENGE, learn from your mistakes

    Never retaliate against anyone who you feel has hurt you, it will only cause more damage. Retaliation can  lead to violence and there is the consequence of criminal charges if you are involved in damage of property. As much as you feel like hitting back,make  restraint your watch word

    1. Find Love Again

    There is no formula on  the best time to date again. I would advise you don’t immediately jump back into dating.This does not mean wait for forever or never to love again. You will only end up bitter. Keep your dating casual for a bit to get to study and know your partner properly before you go in deep. There is a risk in opening yourself up again, but this is LIFE, you fall to rise again. I wish you all the best.

  • How to identify your soul mate in your relationship

    By Rois Ola

    NO matter how much of an angel anyone claims to be, you get to realize that nobody is perfect.

    Everyone deserves to live a happy life. We all want to be happy and settle down with someone who will make us happy for ever, even if it sounds like a fairy tale. We still all search for Prince Charming or our Cinderella.

    If you can accept that no one is perfect in your search for a soul mate, then you will realize that though you are not looking for an angel, you are looking for someone who can make you happy for as long as humanly possible.

    The search for a soul mate works differently for everyone: some get to find theirs quite early in life; some never find one and make do with whatever they can get; and some find theirs  late in life. But is anytime truly late? Do we say God sends our soul mates to us at the right time? Will we or can we be patient enough to wait?

    Is a soul mate meant to be handsome? Beautiful? Rich? Well placed in life? It’s hard to say, but the point here is to give you a few lead signs to identify who may BE POSSIBLY destined to be your life partner. This does not mean we have to overlook attitudes like respect, trust, human relations, self-confidence etc. that maintain the love between two adults.

    Below are a few things to guide and help you understand what to look out for in your search.

     You have changed for the better.

    The people who we are affected by the most are the ones who have changed us just by their presence in our lives, overhauling everything we thought we knew and wanted. They influence us positively and are a good addition to our lives.

     They are like a family member to you even before settling down

    This sounds strange, but my hubby already felt like my brother to me , even before marriage. It is an instinct that kicks on after meeting your soul mate.So when you meet your soul mate it already feels like he/she  has been a part of you for a long time.

     Your worst self has come out with them, and to only them, they know you inside out

    This may sound odd, but it is true. Your soul mate   sees the best and even the WORST part of you and stays even after seeing the worst. The truest soul mates are a direct reflection of yourself; they see what has healed and what has not healed. EVERYTHING is visible to them.

     It feels as if you’ve known each other before.

    This comes with instinct as well. When you talk to each other, it feels as though you have been friends for ages, you hide nothing from each other.

    You met while you were young, and reunited when you get older

    Be it in actual years or just spiritual and mental maturity.

    You recognize something when you look in his/her  eyes and it’s basically indefinable as  you don’t see it in anybody else.

    You feel what he/she  feels, even if you aren’t naturally empathetic & It’s more than just a feeling.

    You know when something’s not right, physically or otherwise. You can sense what she/she is thinking and feeling without them even indicating anything to you. Meeting them makes  you realize that romantic love — especially between soul mates — is much more than just a fleeting, physical feeling. It’s really more of an inner, gut knowing that permeates your whole relationship, even when (and maybe especially when) you’re apart.

     

    Read Also: Are you in a relationship that feels like it may be over? Do you feel it’s time to move on? (1)

     

    Your soul mate is your home

    You realize that ‘home’ is the person or place you always want to return to, and he/she  is it for you. You always feel at peace with him/her , even after all the fights.Once all is well there is calm that sweeps over you like syrup.

     You’re best friends

    There’s a myth that romantic partners can’t be close friends.

    However, in truth, a strong friendship is a foundation for a lasting romance. When you meet your soul mate, you also meet your best friend!

    It is still important to have friendships outside of your relationship. This simply means you just easily ‘get’ each other on a deeper level than you usually experience; you share a sense of humor, and you quickly become each other’s number one source of support.

     There’s mutual respect

    Relationships often fall apart when the two people try to change each other. In contrast, soul mates respect each other on a fundamental level. Plus, this respect is based on really knowing each other (flaws and all).

    So if you find yourself really accepting someone in spite of his/her  quirks and neuroses, and you feel that acceptance directed back at you unconditionally, this may be a soul mate connection.

     You have the same vision of the future

    This is one of the most significant signs that you’ve found your soul mate because it’s not only an indication of a deep connection but also one of the most reliable predictors of a happy partnership.

    If you don’t share key values, imagine your future in the same way and want the same sorts of things out of life, resentment grows and begins to sour the relationship. So, when you meet someone who actually sees his/her life unfolding in the same way you imagine your own, you’ve struck gold!

     You challenge each other

    Your ideal partner will not only admire you for all you’ve done but open your eyes to all you could do. This can be challenging because it will mean that the two of you are often encouraging each other  to move out of your comfort zones.

    Your Happiness Is Waiting Outside Of Your Comfort Zone

    However, the unique combination of challenge and support provided by a soul mate is a major catalyst for personal development and growth. And, in the future, you’re sure to be grateful to each other for all the encouragement and gentle prodding administered over the years!

     You fight for the relationship

    No relationship is without conflict, even when soul mates get together. There will always be obstacles and bumps on the road. But whether you’re trying to cope with family difficulties, financial worries, illness, career uncertainty or parenting issues, a couple who are meant to be together will keep fighting for the relationship.

    Crucially, you’ll find ways to fight together in order to make things better, because you’ll both want the relationship to survive more than you’ll want to defend your own egos.

    This, in itself, is not easy to accomplish and can wear you out if the fighting is constant, but with true love and openness with each other you will conquer. I wish you all the best.

  • Eight ways couples can sustain love

    Oloko Omobolanle

    Many couples’ relationship face a downward that often ends in separation. It is possible to prevent stale moments from occurring by strengthen the substance of a relationship in a way that minimizes their impact and diminishes their frequency to a significant degree.

    · Having realistic expectation

    At the beginning of a relationship, things are as rosy as it gets. Both partners try to project the best versions of themselves to the other. But after the honeymoon phases is over, the reality sets in. You get to see your partner for what they really are, and that, most likely, would be a disappointment if you compare with what they had been at the beginning of the relationship.

    It is important to understand that everybody has flaws. They might not surface in the period of courtship, but they are there. Having realistic expectations and preparing yourself to deal with your partner’s latent flaws and can prevent you from the post-honeymoon period disappointment. It will also set up a positive and durable foundation for your relationship that will help your relationship to sustain longer.

    · Acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses

    Many couples end breaking up because they fail to acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They either feel like they are competing against each other, Relationships are not like that. They are not created out of convenience; they are formed out of love, trust, friendship, and respect.

    . Reward the company of each other

    When a couple has managed to face the ups and downs of rearing their children up and working towards a comfortable life for all the family members, the rewards in such a relationship are immense.

    Life has many glorious moments to offer to you as a couple. The smartest love relationship advice for all the couples in the world is to appreciate what life has to offer to them in each other’s company.

    · Avoid the blame game

    Blaming each other for things that have gone wrong is a catalyst for breakup. This is because there’s no need to find faults in each other for the sole reason that you two are in this together. Hence, whatever takes place in your relationship, good or bad, is a product of both your actions.

    · Don’t show your partner bad light in front of friends and family

    Complaining about your partner to others might like some harm less venting exercise. But this can dig a hole so deep in your relationship that cannot be repaired with any amount of effort. Revealing your dissatisfaction with your partner’s traits, habits to family or/and friends, or using condescending tones to converse with them in public, is something most people have done sometime in their marriage. But this can pent-up resentment in the relationship. Not to mention, it also kills the mutual respect couples have for each other’s relationship.

    READ ALSO: If I should love again

    · Listen

    When working towards a long lasting relationship, you should be always willing to listen. You not only hear your partner’s voice, but pay attention to every detail. By listening you learn what’s in your partner’s heart, and they learn what’s in yours. You two then find ways on how to improve your relationship.

    · Don’t relegate your relationship when you have children.

    After becoming parents, most couples devote the maximum amount of their time in parenthood related obligations. It’s true that children deserve extra care and a good portion of your time daily, but neglecting your partner and relationship can have adverse consequences. If not much, try and devote at least some of your days’ time to your relationship.

    · Adapt and Absorb

    Every partner has something to offer to his or her mate. You will have to learn to appreciate what others have to offer to you instead of doing your best to change them to fit your ideas and templates of how love and life should be lead. Sooner or later, you will have to start accepting the fact that your partner is fallible.

  • Eight ways ladies get men’s attention

    Our Reporter

    1. Be ambitious and independent: A lady that has her ducks in a row and can bankroll herself is a major turn on.

    But, be sure that you don’t come off as a braggart talking all about your achievements and showing off, that is when independence becomes a turnoff. Remember men are not into high maintenance women.

    2. Wearing leggings or yoga pants:

    Leggings will clearly outline your silhouette and men get to see what they are working with without even seeing you naked and that is a turn on.

    3. Play PS with the guys or knows a thing or two about sports: Okay, you don’t have to know all the footballers out there but men will appreciate a girl that can just kick it with boys, play PS together or watch a football game without nagging or complaining every other second.

    On this point, the men also appreciate competitiveness – you know when you are playing say a game of cards with your man and you nudge him after you win? Not like in a fighting way but just being a little bit extra? Yeah, that shit is cute.

    4. Have appetite:

    First of all, a man will appreciate when you can cook a good meal for him. It is also super cute when you can chow down a bowl of food. Men generally love food and eat a lot so if you have a great appetite, that is a good thing for most guys.

    READ ALSO: The Ultimate Men’s Guide To Having Better Sex & Satisfying Her

    5. Develop the same musical taste:

    Might sound surprising, but imagine going on a road trip with a hip hop head and you like country music? Boring much? Liking the same music plays a huge part in building the chemistry between the two of you.

    6. Laugh a lot:

    It will boost a guy is confidence to know that he can make you happy. Even if the joke was a lame, smile. Happy girls are the prettiest, they say.

    7. Be positive:

    It is not always easy to remain positive when things go awry so when guys find a chic that stays positive through thick and thin, that is a major turn-on.

    8. Maintain eye contact:

    See a guy you like in a club? Simple, just make eye contact!