The Nation Newspaper

Category: RELATIONSHIP

  • Regular problems in relationships

    Regular problems in relationships

    With Rois Ola

    It pretty much goes without saying that no one really ‘wants’ to fight with their partner, but the reality is that arguing from time to time in a relationship is inevitable. Even if you love your partner and are content overall in your relationship, there are some common relationship problems that all couples face. However, not only is it okay for you and your partner to fight, it’s actually essential for your growth as a couple — as long as you’re arguing in a productive way, that is. But what exactly does it mean to have a productive fight in a relationship?

    The bottom line? So long as you’re able to communicate in a mature, effective way, any issues that arise during the course of your relationship will be no biggie. Of course, there’s no way to predict exactly what issues might pop up — but if you want a general idea, here are nine relationship problems that are universal to pretty much all couples that you can be on the lookout for in your own relationship.

    1. Going through a dry spell

    There are so many reasons a dry spell can happen — mismatched libidos, health problems, general stress, a lack of free time — that it’s almost inevitable for a long-term couple not to go through at least one. But it’s not the end of the world, and it’s also totally possible to get out of a sex rut.

    1. Feeling bored in the relationship

    When you’re dating the same person for a long period of time, of course things might start to feel a little stale eventually. If you feel bored in your relationship, work together to find ways you can add some fun, spontaneity, and excitement back into the day-to-day.

    1. Dealing with feelings of jealousy

    Some people are certainly more jealous in relationships than others, but we’re all human and have the capacity to feel insecure — and, as a result, almost every couple will experience bouts of jealousy from time to time.

    “It’s natural to get jealous when you’re in a relationship,” Bennett says. “All couples go through it to a degree. The key to overcome it is to communicate and build trust so that you can rationally work through what can ultimately be irrational feelings.”

    1. Not fully listening to one another

    To make a relationship last, having good communication skills is so important. One of the biggest no-nos? Not being an active and thoughtful listener in your relationship.

    1. Fighting about chores

    It might not be fun, but doing chores and errands is essential to making a household run smoothly — after all, someone has to take out the garbage. Particularly if you live with a partner whose definition of ‘clean’ is different than yours, fighting about the division of chores in your relationship is super normal.

    1. Experiencing doubts in the relationship

    One of the things no one tells you about long-term relationships? Even if you’re happy, it’s normal to have doubts about your partner occasionally — as long as you’re able to communicate about them, that is.

    “Doubts in a relationship are normal. It’s human nature to question things in life. If you’re happy in a relationship, try not to dwell on the doubts. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of your relationship that make you feel that you are right for each other.”

    1. Getting too busy & spending less time together

    When you’re in a serious relationship, it’s typical to make each other a top priority. But everyone has their own individual commitments, too — and sometimes life gets in the way, and we spend less time with our partners than we once did.

    “This can be frustrating and cause resentment in a relationship, even though it’s nobody’s fault,” “Sometimes it’s worthwhile for couples to cut back on work or other commitments to devote more time to their relationship.”

    1. Disagreeing about money

    Unfortunately, money makes the world go ‘round, which means that arguing about money with your partner is pretty much inevitable, especially if you have or plan to combine your finances.”

  • How to deal with shyness

    How to deal with shyness

    With Rois Ola

     

    TO be shy is not a sin and is not something to be ashamed of. Some people have acquired the skill to be bold in everything, some are not so lucky, being shy doesn’t equate to be stupid, it just means you are more reserved in expressing yourself. Many people often struggle with shyness when experiencing their first relationship.

    Shyness is something that can develop with a plethora of reasons. The truth is that once both partners are comfortable with each other, shyness will gradually disappear.

    Stress can be attached to the beginning of any relationship which may become shameful to either of the people involved. Shyness can be overcome. It just takes practice and patience and finding someone willing to commit and understand you.

    Your body language should be open:

    Keeping your legs and arms uncrossed is a great way to be at ease with yourself. People who like folding or crossing their arms or legs may be intimidated by a stranger or visitor.

    When your partner is communicating with you, ensure that maximum attention is given to them. It helps you to become comfortable and confident to reply to them. Another great approach is by making eye contact. It will help your partner convey simple and direct communication skills to you in return.

    Understand the difference between self-esteem and shyness:

    Self-esteem is your personality and strength both at home and social gatherings. Shyness may be caused as a result of not being confident over certain issues or activities.

    Shyness often grows if you allow it. For this reason, it is a good idea to determine the basic difference between self-esteem and shyness. Once you can attack shyness from a standpoint of strength, it will eventually disappear.

    Lean forward when communicating:

    Leaning forward is a position that most confident people take when communicating. When you show a forward position, it may eventually intimidate the other party. Taking this position will always make you look and confident in any relationship.

    Read Also: What to do to make your relationship stronger

    When your partner is try to put something across your direction, use the tactics of forward leaning to counter the action. It will even make them to step back and respect your stance.

    Asking questions:

    Some do not have a good idea to run a relationship from the standpoint of asking questions. If you are shy to communicate with your partner, then always try to ask questions.

    Asking questions will help you to be part of the discussion. It can help to get rid of the fear of making mistake in the next step. Ensure to ask questions on the topics your partner is currently discussing.

    It shows that you understand what they are saying and wants to be a part of the discussion.

    Introduce new love stories:

    One of the best things that can help make a relationship stronger is being engaged. If you want to overcome shyness, then plan loved stories upfront. Ensure that the stories are unleashed immediately when you start talking to your partner.

    It will help to keep you engaged in the process of overcoming shyness. Another thing you should know is making your stories streamlined to your current relationship.

    It helps to put the other partner in a rat race of respect. If you really want to show your partner true confidence, then bring loved stories that will advance the partnership. Using this method will help to build strength, confidence and natural ability to get rid of fear.

    Understand the difference between shyness and low self-esteem :[1]Plenty of shy people are very comfortable and happy with themselves, and have healthy levels of self-confidence. Don’t think that just because you’re shy, there’s something wrong with you.

    Your partner chose you because they liked your personality, and your shyness is part of that. Even if it’s something you want to work on for your own sake in the relationship, never forget that you can be confident and powerful even if you’re shy.

    • Never apologize for being shy. Explain why you’re reacting the way you are, say that you’re working on it because you want to, but never give anyone the impression that you owe them extroversion

    Be up front about your shyness from the beginning: Studies have shown that discussing your shyness-related anxiety can lessen the effects of it, and experts suggest that showing vulnerability is actually a good way to increase trust and intimacy between partners.

    Especially in new relationships, it’s very important to have a conversation about your shyness at the outset; this will pave the way for easier conversations down the road that will make your relationship a lasting one.

    There’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of, so be open and honest about how you’re feeling when you feel yourself tensing up.

    • Don’t bottle up your nervous feelings to deal with them later.
    • Tell your partner how you’re feeling in real time.
    • Don’t dwell on your shyness; get it out in the open, then move on to another subject when the feeling passes.
    • Let your partner comfort you if they try.

    Plan out important conversations ahead of time:

    • When getting to know someone, you sometimes have to have very personal conversations that can be difficult. For example, you have to open up about your hopes and dreams, your fears and shames, and how you feel about your partner when you’re first getting to know each other.Plan out the big conversations that you think you’ll probably have with your partner ahead of time, so that you’ll be ready for them when they come up. Having a sort of script prepared in your head will make it much easier for you to open up.
    • Make lists of your fears, hopes, and other important feelings.
    • If you need to have an argument, outline the rationale behind your side of the argument. Anticipate what your partner will say, as well.The better prepared you are for all possible routes of conversation, the more open and effective you’ll be as a communicator.

    Allow your significant other to talk as much as they like: If your significant other wants to talk, then let them and just practice being a good listener.

    This will allow you to learn more about your significant other and it will help to deepen the connection between the two of you. It will also take some of the pressure to talk and come up with interesting things to say off of you.

    This is not to say that all mentioned above are the only formula but they can go a long way. I wish you all the best.

  • Finding your soulmate

    Finding your soulmate

    Rois Ola

     

    SO many times, men and women have a had tough time trying to figure out who their soulmate is or if they will ever find one. SOME DO, SOME DON’T. Quite sad, but it is not enough reason not to live your life. You know you’ve found your soulmate when they come into your life and everything changes for the better.

    When you do find your soulmate, you will feel one hundred per cent certainty that you want to be with them and that it’s going to last forever. When you’re in their embrace you honestly feel like you could stay there forever. One look at their face and any sadness you might have felt that day is wiped away instantly. You could kiss them a million times a day and still want more. They have a scent you can’t get enough of. It’s the scent of home and it smells so sweet. You can feel an almost electric connection through their hands when they interlace with yours.

    Your soulmate will make you feel loved the way you have always felt you deserved to be loved. Their love will be exactly as deep as yours. It will be real, unconditional, balanced. You will finally sincerely understand that true love really does exist.

    They might not be what you expected or what you thought you were looking for but they will be everything you never knew you needed. They will far surpass your vision of a perfect partner.

    They will have as adventurous of a spirit as you do. They will be ready and willing to take on life with you. They’ll be down to do anything if it means seeing you smile. If you’re lucky, they’ll even do something crazy like quit their job to travel the country with you for an indefinite period of time.

    Your soulmate will be exactly like you in so many ways. They’ll share those weird quirks you never thought you would share with someone. You will share the same ideas about what’s important in life. At the same time, you will be different from each other in a way that will bring balance to your lives. You’ll build each other up. They will love and embrace all the things that make you insecure. They’ll always know how to make you laugh.

    You’ll feel more comfortable with this person than any person you’ve ever met. You can be one hundred percent your authentic self with this person. Your wall will come down easily. They’ll make sure of that. They will see and unconditionally love the real you. They won’t care about your social media persona or any image that’s been built. You won’t need to hide anything from this person. This will feel better than you can imagine.

    Your soulmate will always put you first, even when it doesn’t benefit them. They’ll trade beers with you if you don’t like the one you ordered. When you decide on the same meal at a restaurant and they have a weird thing about not ordering the same food as anyone else at the table, they’ll let you get it. They’ll share their fries when you’ve finished your own in record time.

    They will know you so well. They can tell exactly how you’re feeling just by looking at you, and not just because you have a wildly expressive face. They can always order for you if you’re going to be late. They’ll remember the things you say and the things you like because they genuinely care.

    When you’re passed out early because you can’t hang, you’ll always wake up to a glass of water next to you. When they go into the store, they don’t have to ask what you want and they’ll come back out

     

    Signs showing You may have found Your Soulmate

    1. You’ve split up — often unpredictably and unexpectedly. Soulmates rarely experience “happily ever after” right away, despite what media and culture tell us. Often the meeting is too intense to absorb immediately, and you have to separate for a while. You find your way back though.
    2. They’ve changed you for the better. The people who we are affected by the most are the ones who have changed us just by their presence in our lives overhauling everything we thought we knew and wanted. It’s not a bad thing, this is supposed to happen, usually.
    3. You recognize a family member in them. This sounds strange, but in my best friends and romantic partners, I can always tell they’re going to be someone to me upon first meeting because they instantly remind me of my mom or dad or sibling — not in a creepy way, in a passing, “oh, that’s funny…” kind of way.
    4. You may not have “just known” they were the one the moment you saw them, but in retrospect, you realize you did. There’s a lot of overwhelming pressure to be absolutely certain that someone is meant for you forever and ever and ever so much so that while you’re still getting to know them, and maybe can’t even decipher that much, you end up misjudging because you think you need a verdict. All in all though, you look back and realize yeah — they’re it.
    5. Your worst self has come out with them, and to only them. The truest soulmates are a direct reflection of you — so they inevitably show you everything that is unhealed.
    6. You recognize each other almost as though you’ve known each other before. Because you most likely have.
    7. Uncanny connections between major dates (such as your births, your meeting, etc.) You were born exactly 9 months apart, you met on your brother’s birthday… there tends to be some weird synchronicity surrounding dates upon your meeting a soulmate.
    8. You’ve had weird, cryptic dreams about each other prior to meeting, even if you couldn’t identify an exact face or person.
    9. Or at least you’ve had an inner, gut knowing that they were coming. From a young age you were only really concerned with finding that “one person for you.” You weren’t interested in dating around like your peers, you just wanted to find that one and call it a day.
    10. You met while you were young, and reunited when you were older either in actual years or just spiritual and mental maturity.
    11. You recognize something when you look in their eyes and it’s basically undefinable but you don’t see it in anybody else.
    12. You feel what they feel, even if you aren’t naturally empathetic. You know when something’s not right, physically or otherwise. You can sense what they’re thinking and feeling without them even indicating anything to you.
    13. It’s more than just a feeling. Meeting them made you realize that romantic love — especially between soulmates — is so much more than just a fleeting, physical feeling. It’s really more of an inner, gut knowing that permeates your whole relationship, even when (and maybe especially when) you’re apart.
    14. You have an intense chemistry unlike you’ve ever experienced. You’re more compelled by them than anything else, and you never went through the phases of being interested in each other, going out, etc. you just kind of were together, as though you had never been apart.
    15. They’re your “home.” You realize that “home” is the person or place you always want to return to, and they’re it for you.
    16. Despite everything, you realize that it could be no other way — the choice has already been made. You may love other people in life. You could theoretically spend your life happily with a thousand other people, but you know you’re not supposed to. In this sense, it’s never a matter of forcing the relationship to work, but just letting it unfold as you know, even without physical evidence, it’s supposed to.

    Having successful relationships has no particular rule, because what works for one person may not work for another. In all the aim is to keep the faith, do all you can, keep love and Hope alive and leave your life for YOU.I wish you all the best.

  • Signs of deceit in your relationship

    Signs of deceit in your relationship

    By Rois Ola

    There are a few signs that indicate you and your significant other should sit down and evaluate where your relationship stands. Watching out for these signs can help you head off a crisis and avoid disaster altogether. When you reach a point in a relationship when you think things might be getting serious, it is time to make an assessment of whether your prospective significant other is a deceptive person. The early stages of a relationship are mostly about fun, but you should keep an eye out for signs right from the get-go. Knowing what to look for will save you trouble and heartbreak in the future.

    The warning signs

    1. Secrecy

    A bit of privacy in a relationship is important. It is healthy to maintain your own separate identity within the relationship, but when you or your significant other begins to hide details and important information from each other, this is a sign that there is a lack of trust.

    Obviously, keeping quiet about a surprise for your sweetheart is entirely different from something like lying about losing your job or how you feel about your partner’s family.

    1. Lies and deception

    One could argue that this is the daughter of the first warning sign. It certainly indicates a lack of respect. Lies and deception clearly do not happen in a healthy relationship.

    What do you think?

    Which relationship warning sign has given you the most trouble? (survey software)

    1. Dependence and control

    Rare is the relationship that can function in a healthy fashion where co-dependency exists. Equally rare is the relationship that can function in a healthy fashion when one person is dominating the other. If you find these dynamics are at play, take a step back and look at them.

    1. Fear

    We all experience fear at various times in our lives. When it is persistent, it is important to examine the source and resolve it. Fear should not be a regular part of our relationships. If it is, it could be a sign of a larger problem.

    1. Depression

    If you find that you are feeling depressed within the context of your relationship, it is a definite sign that there is trouble in paradise. While we all have times when we feel sad, anxious or otherwise upset, this should not be a regular occurrence.

    Finding any of these warning signs in your relationship indicates a need to look deeper. They may be present because of factors within the relationship. Or they may be present because of long entrenched patterns of behaviour that we carry forward with us from past relationships. In either case, it is important to locate the root cause. When you know what is causing the symptom, it becomes easier to treat the problem.

    The most frequent problem in relationships is arguably a lack of communication. We can get comfortable with another person and begin to assume that they will just know what we need from them. This is not the case, even if you are psychic. Open communication does wonders for preventing greater problems within the relationship because it allows for all people involved to understand what their positions are on various matters and to act with as much knowledge of the situation as they possibly can.

    The second most frequent problem seen in relationships occurs when a person collapses into the relationship and assumes a position of weakness. Men do this just as much as women do, so don’t let the stereotype fool you. Collapsing yourself into the relationship will ultimately create resentment and hurt feelings for both partners, especially if it is combined with a lack of communication. Remember, you are emotionally involved with this person because you want to be, not because you need to be. And remember that you are a separate person who is unique and valuable in your own right.

    Eyes

    Some people think liars try to avoid eye contact, but this isn’t necessarily true. Deliberate liars know to keep their gaze fixed to help support their point. Casual liars find it more difficult to look into a scrutinizing face. Sometimes a liar’s pupils widen, depending on how stressful the situation is. Others may appear as though they are reading from a script in their head, by moving their eyes back and forth or rolling them.

    Voice

    Vocal inflection tends to change when someone is lying. Listen for inconsistencies compared with her normal speech. If her voice goes up in pitch at the end of sentences and that is abnormal, she may be deceiving you.

    Body language

    Closed-off and defensive body language is a sign that someone is being deceptive. Crossed arms are more suspicious than arms that hang casually at the side or are used appropriately within the context of the story. If someone is not facing you squarely, he may be hiding something. Facing you square on is more indicative of honesty. Similarly, someone who faces you straight on when seated is more likely being honest than someone who is turned to the side or sitting on one hip or the other.

    Attention to detail

    Liars tend to give you too much detail in an effort to make their story seem more legitimate. If you find yourself feeling that what a person is saying is extra and unnecessary, he may be trying to put you at ease with extra information.

    Language choice

    People who are deceptive make a few constant language choices that may help you spot them. Liars tend not to use contractions such as “don’t,” “can’t” or “it’s.” They tend to use more negative words, stemming from the subconscious guilt they feel. They also use fewer first person pronouns in an effort to distance themselves from the story they are telling.

    Logical process

    A good way to catch a liar is to test her logical process. If she can’t keep her story straight and logical, she likely will slip back into vague statements and claims such as “I cannot remember exactly.” Ask for details about the story and then ask the person to repeat it so you can listen for inconsistencies.

    Motivation

    A good test of deception is to determine if the person has a motive to lie. Other than compulsive liars, people generally won’t lie when they have no reason to. Do they have something to gain by lying? They could be saving your feelings or keeping your affections. If they lack a reasonable motive for lying, they probably aren’t. If they have motive, the odds are much greater that they are lying.

  • How to heal a broken heart in a relationship (2)

    How to heal a broken heart in a relationship (2)

    By Rois Ola

    Connect with yourself. Going through a big loss or change can leave you feeling a little unsure of yourself and who you are. You can do this by connecting to your body through exercise, spending time in nature, or connecting with your spiritual and philosophical beliefs.

    Things to keep in mind

    As you navigate the process of healing a broken heart, it’s helpful to have realistic expectations about the process. From pop songs to rom-coms, society can give a warped view of what heartbreak actually entails.

    Here are a few things to keep in the back of your mind.

    Your experience is valid

    The death of a loved one is the more overt form of grief, Palumbo explains, but covert grief can look like the loss of a friendship or relationship. Or maybe you’re starting a new phase of your life by changing careers or becoming an empty nester.

    Whatever it is, it’s important to validate your grief. This simply means recognizing the impact it’s had on your life.

    It’s not a competition

    It’s natural to compare your situation to that of others, but heartbreak and grieving aren’t a competition.

    Just because it’s the loss of a friendship and not the death of a friend doesn’t mean the process isn’t the same,. “You’re relearning how to live in a world without an important relationship you once had.”

    There’s no expiration date

    Grief is not the same for everyone and it has no timetable. Avoid statements like “I should be moving on by now,” and give yourself all of the time you need to heal.

    You can’t avoid it

    As hard as it might feel, you have to move through it. The more you put off dealing with painful emotions, the longer it will take for you to start feeling better.

    Expect the unexpected

    As your grief evolves, so will the intensity and frequency of heartbreak. At times it will feel like soft waves that come and go. But some days, it might feel like an uncontrollable jolt of emotion. Try not to judge how your emotions manifest.

    You’ll have periods of happiness

    Remember that it’s okay to fully experience moments of joy as you grieve. Spend part of each day focusing on the present moment, and allow yourself to embrace the good things in life.

    If you’re dealing with the loss of a loved one, this might bring up some feelings of guilt. But experiencing joy and happiness is crucial to moving forward. And forcing yourself to stay in a negative state of mind won’t change the situation.

    It’s okay to not be okay

    A profound loss, like the death of a loved one, is going to look vastly different from a job rejection,. “In both cases, it’s imperative to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and remember that it’s okay not to be okay.”

    Even if you’re doing everything you can to work through your heartbreak, you’ll probably still have off days. Take them as they come and try again tomorrow.

    Seek self-acceptance

    Don’t expect your suffering to go away sooner than when it’s ready. Try to accept your new reality and understand that your grief will take some time to heal.

    Recommended reading

    When you’re dealing with heartbreak, books can be both a distraction and a healing tool. They don’t have to be big self-help books, either. Personal accounts of how others have lived through grief can be just as powerful. I wish you all the best.

  • Tips to help prevent kids’ colds and flu

    WANT to cut the odds that your child will get sick? Keep germs away with two big weapons: good hygiene and a flu vaccine.“The best thing you can do to prevent catching whatever is going around is to encourage regular hand-washing, especially before eating meals,” says Bridget Boyd, MD, director of the newborn nursery at Loyola University Health System in Chicago.

    Also, teach your child to sneeze or cough into a tissue or his bent elbow instead of his hands. That will keep him from spreading germs onto everything he touches.

    Encourage good hygiene with sticker charts or rewards, Boyd suggests. “Don’t emphasize bad behavior. Instead, say, ‘Wow, I noticed you didn’t put your hands in your mouth for the whole drive to school.’”

    Keep hand sanitizer within easy reach, but supervise younger kids when they use it.

    “Older children, such as school-age kids, can be given small bottles of hand sanitizer to carry with them in their backpacks,” Boyd says.

    Flu Shots for Kids

    Your second way to keep germs away is a flu vaccine. Babies ages 6 months and up can get the shot. Generally, kids ages 2 and older can start getting the nasal spray (unless they have asthma or a very stuffy nose at the time of their doctor’s visit).

    “It’s like using your seatbelt in the car,” Boyd says, who has seen even healthy kids land in intensive care with severe flu symptoms. “Most of the time, you’ll be just fine without your seat belt. You wear it for that one time when there’s a bad accident and it could save your life. Most seasons, your child would be just fine without a flu shot, but why take the risk that she’ll get a bad strain of the flu that you could have prevented?”

    Some kids with egg allergies can now get the flu vaccine. “We used to shy away from giving the flu shot to anyone who’s ever had a reaction to eggs,” Boyd says. “But many kids outgrow egg allergies. If your child can eat scrambled eggs with no reaction, they can get immunized normally. Even if they get just a mild rash, we’ll still give the vaccine and just observe them carefully.”

    If your child’s allergy is severe (anaphylaxis), they should get the flu shot from a doctor who can treat a severe allergic reaction either at your doctor’s office, a hospital, a clinic, or a health department. Many children with egg allergies are at risk for complications from the flu, so it’s important for them to get the flu shot.

    • Source:www.webmd.com

  • Jealousy: The poison affecting your relationship

    With Rois Ola

    Most of us have felt it at one time or another. It could be a mild annoyance or like a fire inside you, consuming you and making you feel like you might explode. Although it is a common emotional reaction when a person is feeling threatened, jealousy is one of biggest relationship destroyers out there.

    Jealousy can range from feeling bothered that your husband is admiring another woman or that your wife is looking at another man, to imagining things that aren’t actually there. Either way jealousy will have a negative effect on your relationship.

    What is jealousy?

    Although feeling jealous is something most can relate to, the feeling is often confused with envy. Envy and jealousy are quite different, however. Envy is a reaction to lacking something and wanting what someone else has. You might be envious of someone’s good looks, or their beautiful home, etc.

    Jealousy on the other hand is the feeling that someone might try to take what is yours. For example, your husband becomes close friends with an attractive co-worker, and you may feel jealous of — and threatened by — their relationship.

    At its most mild jealousy is considered an instinctual reaction that makes us want to protect what we feel is ours. Unlike simply being protective though, jealous feelings can balloon quickly into destructive behavior and cause us to act in ways that are selfish and controlling. It can even cause us to assume things are happening that are not, like seeing a friendly exchange as the sign of an affair, or working late as hiding a secret addiction.

    Instinctual or not, jealousy is not productive. People who struggle with controlling, jealous feelings are often struggling with deeper issues as well. Uncontrolled jealous behavior is typically a symptom of one or more of the following:

    • Insecurity
    • Fear
    • Low self-esteem

    Understanding the root of the behavior can help you work toward controlling it. Any of those three, or combination of them, will not only allow feeling jealous to manifest in destructive behavior, but will also create other problems in a person’s life.

    What Jealousy Does to Your Relationship

    Jealous behavior can be extremely harmful to a relationship. At best the jealous partner is needy and constantly looking for reassurance that they are the only one and that no one is a threat to replace them. At its worst jealously can manifest in controlling and distrustful behavior, and even physical or emotional abuse.

    A jealous partner may try to control the actions of their partner, checking up on their whereabouts or monitoring their calls, texts or emails. This behavior sets up a pattern of distrust that is unhealthy and will eventually cause a relationship to collapse.

    The foundation of any healthy and happy relationship is trust and respect. A person struggling with jealousy is unable to trust the person they are with or show respect for them as an individual or their boundaries.

    Overtime this behavior will destroy the feelings of love and affection that once existed. It will also likely cause repeated arguing and a need for one partner to prove themselves and their loyalty over and over again. This can be exhausting and prevent a relationship from growing and establishing a solid foundation.

    How Can You Control It

    Jealous behavior can be tough to control. The underlying issues rarely go away on their own. If jealousy is a pattern of behavior that is repeated in relationship after relationship it may take the intervention of a professional therapist to help reign it in and provide tools to cope with the causes that are driving it.

    Getting past jealousy in a relationship requires building trust. One partner must trust the other enough to know that, regardless of the circumstance, the love and respect they share will prevent outside influences from threatening their relationship. This can be difficult if one partner is insecure and struggles with trusting overall.

    If you have found that jealousy is a problem in your relationship, whether it is you that are jealous or your partner, it can be painful for both of you. Getting beyond it will take patience, communication and changing of beliefs. If it working together on overcoming jealous feelings and behaviors isn’t working don’t discount seeking help.

    We are all human, no one was made perfect and no one is perfect.But with love, effort, commitment, communication and understanding any couple can conquer this feeling, It takes time but it can be done. Iwish you all the best.

  • The harbinger of death called anger in your relationship (2)

    With Rois Ola

    Harbinger of death called anger in relationship (1) – https://staging.thenationonlineng.net/harbinger-of-death-called-anger-in-relationship-1/

    1. Count to 10 before saying another word

    This will help you choose your words more carefully and not say something you will regret .it’s easy just pause, then start counting 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and then 10. The tide will gradually go down. And if it doesn’t WALK THE HELL AWAY!!!It works all the time.

    1. Implement the “I-Thou”

    “Catch” the other’s feelings, trying to feel them yourself. Surprisingly, this makes the experience of those feelings actually diminish. This is powerful because it is really the only way a person can impact another’s experience with feelings of anger in relationships.

    1. Practice listening as patiently as possible.

    Repeat back what you heard in order to confirm you understood, and affirm your partner’s feelings. For instance,” Ade am I write to believe you didn’t expect me to act that way?” when he responds yes then you know you understand clearly the situation you are in, and if Ade says know ask him to repeat or rephrase or better still change language.

    1. Physical connection.

    For one, hug, and do have sex. For many women, this may involve a bit of fake it ’til you make it if the situation is in the process of being resolved but isn’t there yet. For most men, sex actually serves to alleviate resentment because it’s a form of connection in its own right. SEX WORKS, it may not be the final situation but it’s a step, unless you don’t love each other, lack of sex causes doubt or fear. Understand your partner and find out what works. One man’s meat another man’s poison

    Even though you both might not be in the same emotional place during the resolution process, connecting physically can help. In fact, I personally suggest that if the marriage is on a downswing, have sex at least once a day. The scheduled connection might put things in a different light and aid in resolving resentment. This thing called sex is like food for some people, if your spouse sees sex as food, please feed them with it. don’t be stingy.

    1. Learn to Meet on a bridge.

    This can be metaphorical and also realistic. In order to channel resentment into empathy, the “understanding bridge” will need to be gapped. Integrate the idea that “we both have to be on this bridge together.”

    We really can’t see what our partner is feeling until we get out on the bridge. The more steps you take, the more you can see the middle “hump” of this bridge, where you both come together in understanding the other. In order to actualize this place of mutual understanding, one idea is to literally go to a bridge nearby., not third mainland bridge please. Look for a good and calm location and talk things out. Let it a place you both LIKE.

    1. Ensure you engage in daily empathy actions.

    Look your partner ask them how they feel. Empathy is not necessarily the default feeling and needs some retraining to become part of you. if you try it every day it will spice things ups and show you care. Routine empathy can be actualized by checking in with our partners about how they are feeling, Once empathy becomes intrinsic behavior, resentment often becomes a thing of the past.

    Empathy, it turns out, is the answer for how to control anger in your relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction.

    Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Making empathy a regular part of your relationship will have an impact not only on getting along better, but ultimately feeling more connected and less stressed, because it facilitates you getting out of your own Head, and into your partner’s.

    Empathy, as such, fosters unity, transforming narcissistic into conjoined, and dismay into understanding. Empathy forges the reinvention of self that is necessary for long-lasting love. The truth is every relationship goes through ups and down. No relationship is perfect. If you have done all you possibly and humanly can and it still is not working, then walk away. It does not have to result into death, no one deserves to lose their life all in the name of Love.

    I wish you all the best.

  • Harbinger of death called anger in relationship (1)

    IN Recent times and in a very worrisome   manner, more and more people are killing spouses and the root cause being a certain level of hidden depression, unacknowledged emotions resulting in deep seated uncontrollable anger. Not everyone knows what to do with anger when they have that feeling. It is important we now have to learn how to start to process and use it in a healthy way, or else it will be sorrowful years of hurting other people and yourself causing a severe ripple effect that will tear everyone apart, a situation that people may never recover from sometimes resulting in avoidable death as is the case now in our country, an act that is against our faith and cultural norms.

    In this article I would like to address possible reasons why people experience this feeling and ways to kick it out of your relationship

     When you never learned to process anger as a normal human emotion.

    It would be totally abnormal if one cannot pause to validate how totally natural anger is. It’s one of the core emotions, and it’s very much okay to feel it. Part of our problem, though, is that some parents refuse to validate, recognize or acknowledge the presence of anger in the life of a child. Instead, they encourage it or shame them for it, making them feeling guilty, there should be a balance to this. Anger if not noticed will lead to emotional explosions. Help them learn to make room for anger in life because when I try to push it away, it only comes back more exaggerated in other words you may have experienced this feeling as a child and got shamed by adults for it. Anger has been existing as far back as time of Cain and Abel, it never ends well.

    When you come from a family of people who act on their anger.

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When you have parents who hold tremendous amounts of anger that they act on without any regard for the consequences, it has a way of spilling down on the kids. Emotionally abusive parents, violent parents etc contribute to this making you think its ok to behave this well, and when you get into a relationship you continue in this system of lifestyle, do not allow your past model your future!

    When you have been (wrongly) taught that anger is how you get what you want.

    A few people while growing up get to see adults or loved ones berating others and been mean. It has formed the attitude and habit of others that shouting, screaming and being nasty gets you want you want. When you now start having intimate relationships with others or settle down, you will now discover you start yelling, shouting, screaming when you want something, because you feel it is a normal way to communicate. This method will never result you in getting anything you want, and even if it does it will be at the expense of other peoples trust and eventually destroy good people you come across.

    When you have no idea that feelings are not same as FACTS

    Anger is a common visitor for peoples mind, especially those who have grown up in such environments where it is seen as normal. When anger rears its Head, it is a message indicating you need to demand something from your partner like more attention.  As an anger prone person your requests will  usually gradually and steadily become  unreasonable and unbearable. The fact is anger and all its accompanying thoughts NEVER tell the whole truth. Sometimes maybe just a little lack of sleep, less sex, too much workload, loss of a loved one, will make one think your partner is doing something wrong. You have to learn to feel out what EXACTLY an emotion is trying to tell you before ACTING on it.

     When you don’t learn how to regulate your emotions

    If you don’t have a constructive way to handle anger when it comes in your relationship the repercussions are terrible, it comes like tidal wave, ripping everything around it, making you gasp for air, holding your chest tight. Get a counsellor to teach you how to regulate your emotions and ride the wave of emotions with caution.

    When your unmoderated temper has single-handedly ruined relationships.

    Some people think expressing every single, and I mean every single though on their mind through their mind is being sincere and straight instead of it seeing it as downright mean and a show of unmoderated show of emotions. Take for instance in a relationship you have a gift of not tolerating errors from your partner and next you do is pour their faults right back at them in the worst manner and worst words possible and hide behind the excuse of “I am just being honest”, is a terrible wait to treat your partner. No one will stay long with anyone exhibiting such behavior that has no full stop or comma

    When all you know is to fight to learn how to constructively release anger.

    At this point all I can say is you need Jesus, Allah, Holy Michael or whatever suits your fancy and your faith immediately. Constant flying of the handle at any little provocation from your spouse, and fighting with words or blows will never lead you to a good path, it is a path full of destruction, pain and regret. Learn to use the emotion to assertive and not violent. There is a big difference here. Don’t believe becoming irrational can be controlled all the time, one day you may not know when you get to the land of no return. God help us all!!

    Resentment and anger in relationships often stem from utter dismay at how your spouse could have possibly done what they did. You just can’t understand it  you never would have done such a thing.

    So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse? Can you learn how to control anger so it doesn’t escalate?

    The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.

  • Harbinger of death called anger in your relationship (1)

    With Rois Ola

     

    IN recent times and in a very worrisome   manner, more and more people are killing spouses and the root cause being a certain level of hidden depression, unacknowledged emotions resulting in deep seated uncontrollable anger.

    Not everyone knows what to do with anger when they have that feeling. It is important we now have to learn how to start to process and use it in a healthy way, or else it will be sorrowful years of hurting other people and yourself causing a severe ripple effect that will tear everyone apart, a situation that people may never recover from sometimes resulting in avoidable death as is the case now in our country, an act that is against our faith and cultural norms.

    In this article I would like to address possible reasons why people experience this feeling and ways to kick it out of your relationship.

      When you never learned to process anger as a normal human emotion

    It would be totally abnormal if one cannot pause to validate how totally natural anger is. It’s one of the core emotions, and it’s very much okay to feel it. Part of our problem, though, is that some parents refuse to validate, recognize or acknowledge the presence of anger in the life of a child.

    Instead, they encourage it or shame them for it, making them feeling guilty, there should be a balance to this. Anger if not noticed will lead to emotional explosions.

    Help them learn to make room for anger in life because when I try to push it away, it only comes back more exaggerated in other words you may have experienced this feeling as a child and got shamed by adults for it.

    Anger has been existing as far back as time of Cain and Abel, it never ends well.

    When you come from a family of people who act on their anger

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When you have parents who hold tremendous amounts of anger that they act on without any regard for the consequences, it has a way of spilling down on the kids. Emotionally abusive parents, violent parents etc contribute to this making you think its ok to behave this well, and when you get into a relationship you continue in this system of lifestyle, do not allow your past model your future!

    When you have been (wrongly) taught that anger is how you get what you want

    A few people while growing up get to see adults or loved ones berating others and been mean. It has formed the attitude and habit of others that shouting, screaming and being nasty gets you want you want.

    When you now start having intimate relationships with others or settle down, you will now discover you start yelling, shouting, screaming when you want something because you feel it is a normal way to communicate.

    This method will never result you in getting anything you want, and even if it does it will be at the expense of other peoples trust and eventually destroy good people you come across.

    When you have no idea that feelings are not same as FACTS

    Anger is a common visitor for peoples mind, especially those who have grown up in such environments where it is seen as normal. When anger rears its Head, it is a message indicating you need to demand something from your partner like more attention.

    As an anger prone person your requests will  usually gradually and steadily become  unreasonable and unbearable. The fact is anger and all its accompanying thoughts NEVER tell the whole truth.

    Sometimes maybe just a little lack of sleep, less sex, too much workload, loss of a loved one, will make one think your partner is doing something wrong. You have to learn to feel out what EXACTLY an emotion is trying to tell you before ACTING on it.

     When you don’t learn how to regulate your emotions

    If you don’t have a constructive way to handle anger when it comes in your relationship the repercussions are terrible, it comes like tidal wave, ripping everything around it, making you gasp for air, holding your chest tight. Get a counsellor to teach you how to regulate your emotions and ride the wave of emotions with caution.

    When your unmoderated temper has singlehandedly ruined relationships

    Some people think expressing every single, and I mean every single though on their mind through their mind is being sincere and straight instead of it seeing it as downright mean and a show of unmoderated show of emotions.

    Read Also: 10 Tips to de-stress your relationships

     

    Take for instance in a relationship you have a gift of not tolerating errors from your partner and next you do is pour their faults right back at them in the worst manner and worst words possible and hide behind the excuse of “I am just being honest”, is a terrible wait to treat your partner. No one will stay long with anyone exhibiting such behavior that has no full stop or comma

    When all you know is to fight to learn how to constructively release anger

    At this point all I can say is you need Jesus, Allah, Holy Michael or whatever suits your fancy and your faith immediately.

    Constant flying of the handle at any little provocation from your spouse, and fighting with words or blows will never lead you to a good path, it is a path full of destruction, pain and regret. Learn to use the emotion to assertive and not violent.

    There is a big difference here. Don’t believe becoming irrational can be controlled all the time, one day you may not know when you get to the land of no return. God help us all!!

    Resentment and anger in relationships often stem from utter dismay at how your spouse could have possibly done what they did. You just can’t understand it  you never would have done such a thing.

    So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse? Can you learn how to control anger so it doesn’t escalate?

    The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.

    Helpful ways to kick anger out of your relationship

    1. Use “I” statement, but don’t use “you.”

    Here is one example about how to phrase dissatisfaction over another spouse’s actions: “I feel resentful that the business account is still open. I want to understand if I can help you in any way to close the account, because I will feel really relieved and relaxed when it’s closed.”

    1. Count to 10 before saying another word

    This will help you choose your words more carefully and not say something you will regret .it’s easy just pause, then start counting 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and then 10. The tide will gradually go down. And if it doesn’t WALK THE HELL AWAY!!!It works all the time.

    1. Implement the “I-Thou.”

    “Catch” the other’s feelings, trying to feel them yourself. Surprisingly, this makes the experience of those feelings actually diminish. This is powerful because it is really the only way a person can impact another’s experience with feelings of anger in relationships.

    1. Practice listening as patiently as possible.

    Repeat back what you heard in order to confirm you understood, and affirm your partner’s feelings. For instance,” Ade am I write to believe you didn’t expect me to act that way?” when he responds yes then you know you understand clearly the situation you are in, and if Ade says know ask him to repeat or rephrase or better still change language.

    1. physical connection.

    For one, hug, and do have sex. For many women, this may involve a bit of fake it ’til you make it if the situation is in the process of being resolved but isn’t there yet. For most men, sex actually serves to alleviate resentment because it’s a form of connection in its own right.

    SEX WORKS, it may not be the final situation but it’s a step, unless you don’t love each other, lack of sex causes doubt or fear. Understand your partner and find out what works. One man’s meat another man’s poison

    Even though you both might not be in the same emotional place during the resolution process, connecting physically can help.

    In fact, I personally suggest that if the marriage is on a downswing, have sex at least once a day. The scheduled connection might put things in a different light and aid in resolving resentment. This thing called sex is like food for some people, if your spouse sees sex as food, please feed them with it. don’t be stingy.

    1. Learn to Meet on a bridge.

    This can be metaphorical and also realistic. In order to channel resentment into empathy, the “understanding bridge” will need to be gapped. Integrate the idea that “we both have to be on this bridge together.”

    We really can’t see what our partner is feeling until we get out on the bridge. The more steps you take, the more you can see the middle “hump” of this bridge, where you both come together in understanding the other.

    In order to actualize this place of mutual understanding, one idea is to literally go to a bridge nearby., not third mainland bridge please. Look for a good and calm location and talk things out. Let it a place you both LIKE.

    1. Ensure you engage in daily empathy actions.

    Look your partner ask them how they feel. Empathy is not necessarily the default feeling and needs some retraining to become part of you.

    if you try it every day it will spice things ups and show you care. Routine empathy can be actualized by checking in with our partners about how they are feeling, Once empathy becomes intrinsic behavior, resentment often becomes a thing of the past.

    Empathy, it turns out, is the answer for how to control anger in your relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction.

    Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Making empathy a regular part of your relationship will have an impact not only on getting along better, but ultimately feeling more connected and less stressed, because it facilitates you getting out of your own Head, and into your partner’s.

    Empathy, as such, fosters unity, transforming narcissistic into conjoined, and dismay into understanding. Empathy forges the reinvention of self that is necessary for long-lasting love. The truth is every relationship goes through ups and down.

    No relationship is perfect. If you have done all you possibly and humanly can and it still is not working, then walk away. It does not have to result into death, no one deserves to lose their life all in the name of Love. I wish you all the best.