Category: Weekend Treat

  • Coping with relationship break-ups

    DEAR Harriet, I was in some relationships that didn’t work out. So I vowed never to be used and dumped again by any man. For some years, I concentrated on my career, so that I could be somebody in life. To the glory of God, I am doing what I love to do and life is good. A few months ago, I met this guy at my best friend’s wedding and we have been talking on the phone. He is my kind of person in a way, but my fear is that I will not be able to give in to his sexual demands because of my experience. I want to keep myself for marriage. I need your counsel on what to do. Thanks.

    Tessy A., Lagos.

     

    Thanks a lot for sharing your story. Every experience in life is a lesson to make us better. I must commend you for taking the necessary steps to improve yourself in respect of the happenings around you.  It takes a brave heart to do so, well done.

    First, you have to know that your past relationships had come and gone. This one is different, so it will be nice if you keep an open mind to start with. Learn to see him for who he is. Expecting him to think, feel and act the same as you only sets you up for disappointment, frustration and conflict.

    To come in tune with personality differences speaks a lot in relationship, bearing in mind that we have our strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, avoid assumption so that you can have a better understanding of his expectations in the relationship.

    Easy communication is one aspect that must not be neglected. Feel free to talk with him about your values, priorities, beliefs, expectations and fears. Tell him about yourself. Let him see you for who you are and what you stand for, so there is no surprises anywhere.

    Trust me, if he really loves you and wants to have a good relationship with you that might move to another level in time to come, he will appreciate you more for being truthful to him. The reason why I put my statement in this form is simply because I don’t want you to start seeing him as your husband. You just met him and the relationship is a bit early to start thinking along the line of marriage when he has not proposed to you. Get to know each other’s likes and dislikes.

    This is a common mistake some singles make and end up with a broken heart. Don’t act as a wife until you are made one.  Interaction is very important in a relationship and it must be encouraged. Note that communication is incomplete, if the act of listening is not taken into consideration.

    Furthermore, replace your fearful thoughts. The fact is that your former relationships will flash back from time to time, but you must learn not to allow them take control of your present relationship. Always remind yourself that you are over them and that you are in control of your emotions now. Who says you cannot love again? Someone will love and cherish you for who you are, so keep an open door. Fill your thoughts with positivity.

    Next is to work on forgiving yourself; you might think you made the biggest mistake in the past and if only you didn’t allow it, you wouldn’t be having fears right now. Keep in mind that you are human. You are entitled to make mistakes. Everyone does, but you have used the lessons to improve yourself, so be blameless and appreciate yourself.

    Moreover, there is another important aspect we must not overlook that is the grieving period of your past relationships; you might be wondering what has that got to do with it, a lot I must say. Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, so it must be grief for you to be able to move on.

    First you are shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty, with the thoughts that may be if you have done things differently. Then, you feel angry and even start bargaining, if not controlled properly, loneliness and depression might set in but as you go through all these natural feelings, healing start to take place gradually. Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future. Finally embrace impermanence; nothing in life lasts forever.

    Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course. The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as life; find little things to gain instead of dwelling on the past. Relationship is an investment like a bank account- what you put is what you get. There are no hard and fast rules, certainly no guarantees, but the above tips can serve as a useful aid in starting a new relationship.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • ‘We must look inwards, oil has no future’

    ‘We must look inwards, oil has no future’

    A former President of the Nigeria Chambers  of  Commerce Industry Mines and Agriculture (NACCIMA), Alhaji Muhammadu Badaru Abubakar, is the Governor of Jigawa State. In a media parley with selected journalists he talked about his administration’s focus to make the agrarian state an investment haven. Adetutu Audu was there.

    What is your government doing differently from the previous administrations in the state?

    Since we came into office, we have managed to shrink spending. The budget for Government House has shrunk by 70 percent. Hospitability spending and virtually all other expenditures of the state have shrunk. Contrary to what used to happen when some people used to charter flight amounting up to N20 million every month, we do not charter today. We do not spend close to one quarter of that amount. I came from the private sector. I know for us to change the situation of our people, you have to change the economic dynamics of the state. If you check our internally generated revenue (IGR) profile, we are generating little or nothing. It is nothing to write home about. Hence, we are making effort to change the unfortunate situation. We are trying to change the economic dynamics of Jigawa State by creating a sustainable environment for businesses. We believe the only way to do this is through agriculture where we have comparative advantage. We have invited Dangote who is doing massive rice production in a part of the state. There are others, who are into tomato production. We also believe in empowering people, but the structure we inherited is not sustainable. Our major focus is to create local economy that will in the near future support the state. Oil has no future; prices will continue to fall. New technologies are coming up and will always ensure that oil is not sustainable. We are also looking at enhancing our IGR through taxation. We must ensure that necessary taxes are collected and properly remitted to government coffers. Before now, many people defrauded the state.

    Since you assumed office, how have you been coping with the opposition parties?

     Well, it will interest you to know that I am the only governor, who still left the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) chairmen of local governments in their positions. About 25 of them chairmen and two caretaker committee chairmen we inherited from the past administration. When I came in, I told them to continue with their work contrary to the expectation of even members of the opposition. Again, I am the only governor that has not accused my predecessor of embezzlement. There may be allegations here and there, but you cannot say somebody stole when there is no proof of the allegation. Unless the law court declares someone guilty, you cannot do so on the basis of hear-say. Also, I inherited N16 million only from my predecessor. We met huge liabilities. I inherited N16 million from my predecessor with too many works in progress in a shrinking economy and with shrinking oil prices. I have continued with the projects on ground. I am not the kind of person who believes in initiating new projects and abandoning the ones that were started with my predecessor. We are working for the good of our state and our people. I rather complete the projects and let somebody take the credit rather than lose the people’s money or allow the resources to waste.

    You said you inherited almost an empty treasury. With the sharp drop in monthly allocation, how have you been meeting up with payment of workers’ salaries?

    Jigawa is a civil service state; once salaries are not paid, the groundnut seller in town will quickly feel it. We have continued to pay salaries despite the shrinking resources. What we did as soon as we came into office was to plug some holes through which people were siphoning money from government. Through the biometric exercise we conducted, a lot of ghost workers were discovered. It means that some people were making themselves rich every month by collecting salaries of workers that did not exist. We have been able to block that.  The state government supported some local governments last month to the tune of N226 million for them to pay salaries; that is to show you how bad the situation is. A lot of my colleagues can’t even pay salaries, so we still consider ourselves lucky to be able to do so.

    People have argued that the only place where life exists in Jigawa State is Dutse. How do you intend to extend this life to other parts of the state?

    That is not true. In 27 headquarters of local councils, we have streets. We have roads. We have businesses. In fact, there are more businesses in Hadejia than Dutse. It is not true because we are not blowing our trumpets. There is a lot of misinformation. Some people said he never stayed in the state. Contrary to what some people said, I am the only governor that comes to the office at about 9:00 a.m. except I am not in the state. Whenever I am in the state, I come to the office 9:00 a.m. daily.

    There have been issues around the ‘goat programme’ this administration put in place for widows in the state. Critics have attacked the programme and described it as a misplaced priority. What actually informed this initiative?

    It is because people do not understand how to solve problems. This has been done in other climes. Personally, I have tried it in other vocations. But it is a kind of prestige to give our people loan. For people who are into sewing, you gave the sewing machine. That is perfect model. But you gave out 20 or more sewing machines. Nobody will be able to make N100 from it. But the goat programme is good. In many countries, it has proved very successful, especially Bangladesh. We recorded 70 percent success in the goat programme we did. We put monitoring and evaluation mechanism in place to measure the impact of the programme. If you evaluate all empowerment programme in this country, you discover that the success rate is less than 20 percent. Some beneficiaries sell the empowerment materials given to them the same day they collected it because it cannot sustain them.

    Critics have raised another issue that you have abandoned all the programmes and projects of last administration. In this light, what is the status of Dutse Airport?

    That is not true. I am also the only governor that continued totally the projects that the previous administration started. But what I do not subscribe to is a situation whereby the state government will pay for 60 passengers three days a week. The last administration was paying N27, 000 per passenger. And it paid for 60 passengers for three days a week to support traffic development. And this traffic development has been in existence for over one year. How can you develop a route for over one year and cannot sustain the route? Despite this, you continue taking the public funds to sustain the airline so that people will say aircraft is landing in Dutse. All the projects in the airport are going on. The lighting is going on. Other projects are being executed in the airport. Sincerely, the work is going on in the airport.

    If the planes are no longer landing, what are you going to do with the airport?

    That is a good question. But planes are landing. But my administration is not supporting the idea of using taxpayers’ money to subsidize the route. The route has been there for more than one year. And the route is not developing. Sometimes, the plane will bring only one passenger and the state government had to pay for 60 passengers three times a week. That is what has been happening. All the shout is about the subsidy. I did not stop any plane from taking off from the airport. The airport is active. Even when Alhaji Aliko Dangote came, he landed there. A lot of people are coming and going through the airport. We do all our airlifting from the airport. We intend to airlift all our pilgrims this year through the airport. But when there is no traffic, I cannot create one. I do not see the magic that will lead traffic by subsidizing an airline just for it to come to Dutse and go. The question is: this can come back. But first, we have to develop the economic activities that warrant the movement of people? Unless we create businesses or develop some tourist attractions that create air traffic, then we can go back and start developing air traffic. I will not allow the airport to deteriorate. It has been built already. I will not allow it to waste away. But certainly, I cannot spend public funds to support an airline that bring only one or two passengers into Dutse. Even in Hadejia, they have the choice either to come here or go to Kano. But most of us are already married to Kano. We have one or two brothers or sisters there. What we intend to do with the airport is to create economic activities that will develop air traffic. If that happens, there is possibility to continue, even if it will be another six month to purse traffic development programme. Secondly, we are discussing cargo export with DHL. We have already sent people to Kenya to find out how best we can achieve this. Thirdly, there is already a proposal on aviation school. We are also looking into it.

    Beyond the issues you raised, what is the plan of your administration to industrialise Jigawa State considering the potential of the state to produce tomato, rice or sorghum in large quantity?   

    After Kano, the second factory of Aliko Dangote will be in Jigawa for tomato processing. We have decided to allocate 500 hectares for tomato production. But right now, we have 200 hectares for this purpose. We also have farmers, who have started cultivation on 200 hectares. Already, the state government is subsidizing the transportation of tomato farmers to Dangote’s tomato processing factory in Kano. This will enable us to learn how to produce and understudy the best practice. At this initial stage, it will not be difficult for farmers to transport what they produce to the Dangote tomato processing factory because the state government has subsidized the transport. Already, the farmers have collected the seeds. Aside that, they have attended training and are now working hand-in-hand with Dangote Tomato Processing Factory. We have put in a request for a portion of land for tomato production. Finally, we are doing that with sorghum and others. Even sorghum, we are discussing with Cadbury to see how we can package the whole value chain. We will bring in extension workers and provide them with certified seeds, farm implement, fertilizers and training on credit. That is why I said we are trying to do what will move our administration forward…

    For the entire programme you have outlines, security is central. But you have not discussed security agenda. Considering the spate of terrorist attacks in the North, how do you intend to ensure security of life and properties?

    The issue of security is basically federal. What the state can do is to support the security agencies. We have been supporting them. We have very good relationship with traditional rulers. And our information system with the traditional rulers is superb. The traditional rulers report to the security agencies any new person that comes into their territories. You should have asked whether it is by miracle or chance that Jigawa is surrounded by Yobe on one said, Bauchi on other side and Niger Republic on the top and we remain peaceful. I do not know what to say really. We are doing so well in security. We are also investing so much in security.

    In your remark, you said you never accused your predecessor of corruption and stealing. Are you saying there was no incident of stealing and corruption under the previous administration?

    I said I have not accused my predecessor of stealing. I have to establish facts before I can make such allegations. I have not accused him because there is no proof, though there are allegations. But the court has to prove that he was involved in the acts of corruption and stealing. Actually, there are allegations, but the court has to rule. All these people say they are thieves. It is not the gutter language that we should use. Even though they are thieves, the court has to prove it. That is why I have not accused him.

    The Northern State Governors’ Forum decided to borrow from the Islamic Bank. When eventually accessed, what specific areas do the northern states plan to inject the loan facilities?

    As of today, every state in the North decided what area they would want to use the loan for. In Jigawa, I inherited a discussion from the Islamic Development Bank with respect to a facility of $232 million. It is meant for infrastructure development. For us to really grow our agricultural sector, we need to develop our infrastructure and the road networks that will help the farmers. That is what I inherited. First of all, we are not in a hurry to collect money. We have to evaluate our situation first. It is too low for every person now knowing that we are barely surviving. After due evaluation, we can then arrange our loan based on what is coming in so that we can service easily. We are all rushing for the loan because it is almost interest-free. I know different states want to use the loans for income-generation activities. For instance, we discuss about the development of solar power generation. It is highly capital-intensive project. But in the long run, it will pay back. A lot of us have seen opportunities in solar energy. A lot of us are talking about the initiative.

    The early marriage of girl-child is still a critical issue in the North at large. It is indeed prevalent in all parts of the northern states. What is your administration doing to promote the education of girl-child?

    The education of girl-child is completely free in Jigawa State. It is completely free from nursery to university. In addition, we have some classes, where we bring every girl-child and train them. We set up these classes to enable us access the parent of these students. Sometimes, the parents have some economic challenges and as a result children are given out at early age. We are training them as a strategy to access these families gradually so that their daughters will go to schools. Most of them do not even go to school because of tuition. But we have taken it off.

  • A corper’s escapades (1)

    ‘My boy, you can lust after anything in life- money, cars, women, properties, food- but never, ever lust after another man’s wife!’ (advice from my father at age 16)

    ***

    MAYBE, if I had listened to my father, I would be a free man today. Not hiding like a common fugitive in a foreign country with an uncertain future and a present filled with fear. Fear for my life as there is a price on my head from a vicious, wicked man who wants me dead.

    Now, what have I done that someone would desire my head? Good question. It was lust or rather love (as romance writers would put it) that is to blame for my travails…

    ***

    My troubles began a few years ago when I was posted to a small town for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme. When I found out the state where I was to spend the next one year of my life, I became very sad.

    You see, I’m a city boy born and bred. Apart from the holiday periods as a child when my siblings and I had gone to the village to stay with our grandmother, I’ve lived in Lagos most of my life. So, the thought of staying outside the big city, in the countryside for that matter filled me with dread.

    But since, one cannot influence posting (unless your parents are top people in society and have influence or ‘long leg’), you go where the almighty Federal government sends you to.

    “I don’t understand why you are grumbling,” said my father when he heard where I was to serve. “I served in Sokoto State in 1979; in fact, I was posted to a border town close to Niger Republic, a sandy place with few trees like a desert yet I survived. You young people these days are spoilt and lazy!” he added.

    Since I knew my father, a lecturer in the university, would not lift a finger to get me reposted to my city of choice, Lagos or Port-Harcourt, I had no option but to pack my bag and head to the orientation camp. At the end of orientation, held in the capital of the State, I was sent to Adura  for my place of primary assignment. That was where I met Folashade. And my story begins…

    The country life

    Adura turned out to be a semi urban community, undecided whether to be part of the modern world or remain in olden times. You know the type of town with one main street or road passing through the centre with buildings flanking it on both sides? That’s Adura for you.

    I was to teach at one of the two secondary schools in the community, situated in the same premises with the Anglican church.

    I had arrived the school with Ebuka, a fellow Corper whom I met and bonded with at the orientation camp. We were both kitted out in the NYSC uniform- a white T shirt on khaki trousers with boots.

    After welcoming us to the school, the Principal, a middle aged man named Babson, later showed us our accommodation at the Corpers lodge. It was a small bungalow with about seven rooms with outdoor bathroom and toilet facilities.

    “Ol’ boy! Na real village we dey so!” I said in pidgin English after checking out the basic facilities in the lodge.

    “What were you expecting? The Sheraton Hotel?” said Ebuka sarcastically.

    With the enthusiasm of youth, we settled down in our new environment and with time, began to enjoy our stay. Life in the community was a totally different world from what I was used to.

    Most of the people were rural folks whose main occupation was farming, hunting, fishing in the river nearby and mat weaving.

    These activities occupied their time during the day till they returned home in the evening. Some of the men would later gather at one of the few drinking joints or bars in the town to unwind and hear the latest gist circulating.

    The most popular of these was Iya Akin’s Bar. It was nothing fancy- just an open structure roofed with raffia palm under which were arranged some wooden tables and benches. What drew most of her customers to the bar was her palm-wine.

    It was always fresh, foamy and delicious; straight from the palm tree not the sour, diluted variety you get in cities like Lagos and Ibadan.

    Besides the drinks which included beer, stout and other beverages, she sold a variety of delicacies like spiced snails, bushmeat, fried chicken and fresh fish pepper soup. The later was my favourite which I often washed down with my favourite bottle of beer.

    With time, my friends and I became regulars at Iya Akin’s bar. It was where we socialised with the townsfolk. Most of them treated us with a lot of respect because of our education and exposure to the outside world.

    Anyway, it was at through that bar that I came in contact with the lady that would lead to so much trouble for me.

    Ebuka and I were at bar one evening, having fun when two men came to us. They were dressed in identical ankara outfits, with one of them holding what looked like a staff of office. I noticed that most of the customers greeted the men in a deferential manner.

    The taller of the two, who had some tribal marks on his face addressed us.

    “Who among you is the youth corper teaching English at the Secondary school?” he enquired.

    I studied him briefly then said:

    “Who wants to know?”

    “The Baale. He wants an audience with him,” he said promptly.

    Ebuka and I exchanged glances.

    “I’m Francis. The English teacher. Is there any problem?”” I queried, wondering what was going on.

    The man shook his head and smiled a little.

    “Don’t be afraid. The Baale doesn’t bite. You’ll find out when we get there,” the man stated reassuringly.

    As Ebuka and I followed the men to the Baale’s residence, some distance away at the other end of town, I kept wondering what was in store for us…

    What did the Baale want with Francis? Details next week!

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the characters in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007 and on Facebook. You can also log in to truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com.

  • On love, violence and relationships

    IN the last week, since my article on violence in relationships, I have had texts from people on both sides of the divide; either for or against the notion. (As they called it in school back in the day.) One particular text from a person (Can’t tell if it’s a he or she) who castigated me for the article stood out. The person asked if I had left my husband. So this week, I will be clarifying my thoughts on the matter, and request more people send in their texts, and emails which will be posted the next week.

    1. As a married woman, I am thankful to God that I married to a man who would never raise a hand at me, and I would never dream of doing the same. Why? Because real adults are not expected to resort to violence to resolve issues. Living with a person who thinks it is their right to manhandle their partner for whatever reason is a definite no-no. Fear has no place in a relationship based on love. As I earlier said, it could lead to death at worst, and mental and emotional trauma for all parties involved, at the least.
    2. A person who physically, emotionally, or psychologically abuses a spouse or love interest is sick, and a menace to society. When he or she kills or maims his or her partner, he leaves the children and or family members of the abused traumatized. He or she also robs both the family, and the society of an important member of that family and society.
    3. It is not only men who beat up or abuse their wives, abusers are found in both sexes. I have seen women who beat their husbands, and men who abuse i.e. beat their wives. The widow spider syndrome is a case in point. This refers to a woman who kills her mate, just like the female widow spider eats the male while mating. And there have been serial murderers; both male and female who go as far as committing murder, not of strangers, but their spouses, and love interests, so the issue of abuse is not one to be taken lying low.
    4. In conclusion, I wish to conclude by unequivocally repeating what I told my castigator. I do not advocate divorce as a Christian, but when a relationship gets to the point when a man or woman becomes a punching bag, and constantly winds up in the hospital, the abused person needs to get out; even if for a while, while the abuser seek help for his problem. Why? So that the abused doesn’t end up being carried out of the relationship in a hearse, and the abuser end up in prison, or facing the hangman’s noose. And just as I asked my castigator, “Do you abuse i.e. beat your spouse or partner? If you do please seek help.”

    Comments on the topic will be appreciated.

  • How to protect children from sexual abuse

    DEAR Harriet, I am a father of three teenage daughters and a son of 21 years. The stories of abduction and sexual abuse which are rampant in our society today are really giving me cause for worry.  The recent case of Ese Oruru, a 14-year old girl, is an example.  Please, what advice can you give to parents on how to protect their children from abuse and how can parents help an abused child?

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for your text message. It will interest you to know that you are not alone on this issue of abduction, violation or sexual abuse against children. Most of the messages received were same as yours.

    In today’s world, raising up children is not a piece of cake, nothing can prepare you for being a parent, it is an aspect of life that is most challenging. It tests your nerves, your emotion, your strength and at times your sanity. You start with the different stages of child development, just when you think you have got one phase of childhood cracked, they grow a bit older and it is a whole new game altogether.

    Some parents at this point get confused, not knowing how to relate with their children, some shy away from their responsibilities which make it difficult for them to understand their children, while some parents are in closer relationship with their children.

    As a result, they find it much easier to impact the necessary family values that they need to grow up as responsible adults which will be of great benefit to the society at large. Some people believe that parenting skills should come naturally, but sometimes we all need a bit of help. I suppose that is why parenting skills are something we learn, not something we are born with.

    Protecting children from abusers is to understand as a parent the forms of sexual abuse (touching and non-touching) and that abusers often do not use physical force but may use play, deception, threats or other forms of coercion to engage children and maintain their silence.

    Abusers, in most cases, are not strangers, but people that are close to the family. This information is necessary because only when you as a parent is knowledgeable about these issues that you can effectively relate it to your children. Like the saying goes, you can only give what you have.

    Talking to children early about sexuality, relationships and sex will help them to be able to face all the challenges that are related to it. Today’s children are exposed to so many information about sexuality, relationships and sex, so if parents don’t give the right information, they will definitely pick up messages from their friends, the internet , television and magazines.

    However, this information in most cases is misleading, inaccurate and confusing. Therefore, sex education remains an important job for parents. Research over time has showed that young people would like their mums, dads, or guardians to be the first person to talk to them about their body changes, feelings, relationship and sex.

    Parents should not leave their children without supervision as they relate with people. They should be taught how to set boundaries in interacting with people. Keep your doors open for discussion at all times and learn to be good listeners because children love it when you listen and trust them.

    Only with effective communication skill can you be able to guide and guard your children. Avoid talking down on them, but instead shower your children with love so that they don’t go seeking love outside the home. Hug them, praise them, build their self-confidence, encourage them to be bold and outspoken, not to be timid.

    Furthermore, child abuse can be very traumatic for the child and parents, and if not handle properly can affect the child in other aspects of life. Some people, for instance, behave in a certain way because of what happened to them when they were younger.

    Parents of a child who has gone through this horrible experience must understand that their help is highly needed for the healing and recovery of their child. This is not the time for blame and accusation. Yes, you will feel pain, you will ask yourself many questions without answer, but do they solve the issue at hand. The answer is no, so the way forward is to help the child pick up the pieces and learn to look forward to a better and brighter future.

    A clear understanding of how an abducted, violated or abused child feels after a traumatic experience will help the parents in supporting their child through the recovery process. Sexual abuse can be a lonely and frightening experience. Victims may be left feeling shocked, confused and overwhelmed. They might find themselves unprepared to deal with the many thoughts and emotions that arise.

    Some will find it difficult to sleep, eat, mingle with people. Life on its own might prove worthless; some feel detached from themselves while some will cease to find happiness in what they use to enjoy. These are normal reactions that parents must be aware of in order to have a clear picture of the situation.

    Seeking professional help is a good step to take as well because the counsellor will be able to take the victim through the necessary healing and recovery process which is very important. A lot has happened to the victim whether abducted or abused, so every help available must be given to restore normality in the life of the victim. Finally, parents must learn to report abused cases, no matter who is involved.

    We must make sure as parents that the abuser faces the law for his wicked act that was carried out on an innocent girl. The protection and care of children must be taken seriously by parents or guardians.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Four reasons you need to leave an abusive relationship

    IN the last couple of weeks I have had an ongoing battle in my head to write a piece about the scourge of violence in marital and amorous relationships in Nigeria. But I have been restrained by the thought of how it would be received, but the murder of Adebayo Oyelowo Oyediran Ajanaku; by his wife no less, helped me make up my mind. Like the late Layo, many Nigerians trapped in abusive relationships are unwilling or unable to get out or get help. Why? More often than not, the Nigerian society tacitly encourages the menace by excusing abusers and urging abused spouses or lovers to remain in the relationship to their peril. So why do I think it never pays to stay with an abuser? Read on.

    1. It is wrong. Nothing ever justifies violence against a lover or spouse, some men claim that their wives are rude, some women claim that their husband philander, and a thousand and one reasons, but guess what? The rod of correction is for the children in the house, not the mummy or daddy (as the case may be). The truth is that such people have problems controlling their tempers, and need help. Nothing will ever make beating your boy/girlfriend or spouse right. If you have a problem, sort it out, if you can’t, get out of the relationship fast, before you become a memory.
    2. It can lead to death or permanent injury. Abusive people are prone to uncontrollable rages. They are tragedies waiting to happen, oftentimes blaming their partners for provoking or inciting them to anger. Back to the woman who claimed to have stabbed her husband for having a child outside their marriage, rationally speaking as a Christian, and an African woman, it is nothing new, and does not justify murder. A sane woman would either accept the situation to save her marriage, or move on. Take your pick.
    3. It will never end. Cases abound of abusive husbands who beat their wives until the women land in hospital. And later blame such behaviour on the devil when they regain their senses. And so the women return to their abusers, hoping that the situation will change, and that the abuse will come to an end. The truth is that it never will, why? Because more often than not, abusers never change their behavior. It will only end when they break up or either party dies.
    4. It creates monsters. Human beings raise people like themselves, and that is one of the saddest things about the situation. Children born to such relationships abuse their spouses, and others end up with people who abuse them the way their parent was. I have seen men who hated their fathers for abusing their mothers; grow up to do the same thing even though they vowed never to do what their father did. The only way to break the ugly cycle is to get out, and get help. Abroad, the government provides counseling and shelters for abused women, but that is not the situation in Nigeria. Our extended family system however attempts to meet this need. Whatever it takes, if you are in an abusive relationship, break the silence; seek help, and get out, before you are carried out of that home in a coffin. Enough said.
  • Why parents should teach kids by example

    DEAR Harriet, My concern is the level of moral decadence in our society today. Parents who are supposed to be role models to their children are really not leading by example. Instead, some are the ones that are really taking these children through the wrong paths of life.

    Let’s look at the mode of dressing. Some young girls are provocative in their dressing. In addition, it will amaze you to know that a high number of these girls are sexually active with or without their parents’ knowledge.

    The question is who is to blame? Mothers don’t guide and lead their children in the ways of God any more. How many mothers actually give their children moral instructions, or pray with them as the case may be. They would rather sit to watch negative films that have no value added to their lives but destroy them.

    Daughters dress looking like club girls, exposing themselves to danger and all sorts of vices. Correction is totally out of it because their parents see it as the way to belong so they get offended when you try to correct them.

    In addition, the internet access is also an area that most parents have failed because a lot of these young children are pretending to be doing their home work, while all they do is visiting or downloading pornographic films. It beats my heart that in Port Harcourt it has become a common act and a very high percentage of mothers who are meant to be role models to their children engage in extra marital affairs.

    It is so bad that the singles are complaining. Some married women have converted hotels to be their second home. Some are going out with younger boys all with the excuse that their husbands cannot satisfy them in bed. Please, tell me if mothers that are supposed to teach their children how to be decent and how to respect their bodies are busy having affairs.

    Thanks

    Malachi Onumajuru. Port Harcourt.

     

    Thanks for sending us your message. The issue raised is one major challenge that affects our youth. Teach a child the way in which he should go and he will not depart from it.

    Children very carefully observe their parents and unknowingly and unconsciously become just like their parents. It is said that charity begins at home. Everything begins at home: respect, obedience, kindness, attitude, manner and skills.

    Sexuality and sex education is one topic that I will say we put out there almost every other month because of how it affects youngsters. Sex education is so important to the growing up of a youth and must be taught at home first before school. The information about sexuality must be clear and appropriate, according to their ages with good explanation about the physical and emotional changes.

    The reasons for the happenings and how to live a chaste life, to imagine parents encouraging their children in the way of destruction is a great issue of concern because parents are the role models to their children aforementioned, from what you wear as a parent, to your attitude towards others and the kind of life style you live, set out objectives for children’s zeal to achieve their vision and dreams independently. If a parent wants her children to be in a certain way, she must set the pace by living a life worth copying.

    Children act on what they see their parents do. As a result, they can only give what they have. The behaviour of your children tells a lot about you. Indecent mode of dressing exposes young ones to danger, if care is not taken. Parents should learn to teach their children all that they need to know about values through living by example. Let’s face it, a child’s negative way of life comes back to hurt the parents who lead them into it.

    The internet is such a big and open world that anybody can do anything. As a result, a lot of children have been hurt, for example some are experiencing cyber bulling, sexual abuse and verbal abuse at present. Trust me, the motive of parents in providing these technologies is to aid children not to harm them so it’s is your responsibility to know how to keep them safe on line. Some parents feel they don’t really understand how the internet works that their children know more than them, forgetting that technology changes on a day-to- day basis and the best way to stay informed is to get involved (understand the internet and how it works). Sometimes sit with your children, tell them to show you what they are doing and how it works who said it is too late to learn. Parents should monitor the site their children visit online. More so, the aspect of infidelity is also a great issue that we have high number of texts and emails on.

    Tips had been given in the past on this page on specific aspect of infidelity. However, for this present case of married women who are supposed to be role models to their children are now engaging in extra marital affairs, whether to younger boys or men with the excuse that their husbands cannot satisfy them in bed is not acceptable, there is no moral justification to the act of infidelity.

    Marriage is a union ordained by God and must be respected. If a woman discovers that her husband is not meeting up to her sexual desire, instead of bringing destruction to her home, have a discussion with your husband. Be open to him and tell him how it is affecting you or if possible, go with him to see a counsellor who will guide you on how to handle the situation. Your body as a married woman/ man must be respected and protected. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Special status for Lagos  is possible —Obasa

    Special status for Lagos is possible —Obasa

    Speaker of the Lagos State House of Assembly, Mudashiru Obasa in this interview speaks on the legislative agenda of the 8th Assembly, why the Assembly will maintain the tradition of cordial relationship with the executive, state police, why Lagos must be given a special status and other sundry issues. Deputy Editor of The Nation on Sunday, Olayinka Oyegbile and Assembly correspondent, Oziegbe Okoeki spoke with him.

    You have been the Speaker for about eight months now, how has it been, what has your experience been like, what has been the challenges?

    The experience so far has been a very different thing entirely unlike what it used to be as a member of the House. You know, being a Speaker you have to combine everything together, your responsibility as a representative, your responsibility as a member of the parliament and your responsibility as an administrator and at the same time as a representative of an arm of government that has to relate with the public, the executive and judiciary. So, it is a bunch of load which is quite different from what it used to be as being just member of the House. So, it’s been very challenging.

    No doubt you have a focus as the head of the legislature, what exactly is/are the legislative agenda of the 8th Assembly?

    Every Assembly has its own legislative agenda, we have started ours already. One of it is the one we did a few months ago, that is engaging our constituents, which we tagged ‘Town Hall Meeting’ which took place simultaneously all around the state. We also want to engage the CSOs that we have not been able to bring on board, and we are planning towards it. And also we want to intensify training of members and staff of the Assembly because we believe we can achieve more through regular training most especially where you have about half of the House being new members. That we’ve been doing, and we will continue with it both local and international training for our members. And also we have changed from what it used to be when we have our sitting late, now we ensure that we are punctual as to the time fixed for plenary and that has been encouraging as well and we’ve been receiving response from the public in that respect. Lawmaking as you know is the major assignment of the parliament and that we have started and we will continue to do that and we still have more bills on our list for second reading, which is the normal process of passing a bill into law. And we will continue to make sure that we pass laws that will impact positively on the lives of our people and bring about progress to Lagos State.

    As the Speaker how do you balance the requirement of that office and meeting up with the requirements of your constituents who voted you here, is there no clash of interest?

    To me I believe I have been depriving my constituents the appropriate attention due to them. Before my emergence as the Speaker, I am always regular and punctual in my constituency. I mean having time to interact with them, meeting with them on so many issues, listening to them. But it has not been the same since I became the Speaker, because as I said earlier on, you have to combine a lot of things together to serve as an administrator, a lawmaker, you are a public relations officer, you have to do this and do that, you have to be present in so many occasions. So, naturally I understand the fact that I have been depriving my constituency the adequate attention they should be getting. But that does not mean that I have not been doing my own responsibility as a representative in terms of infrastructural development, interactions and so many other things.

    How do you hope to redress that so that there would be no complain from both sides at the end of the day?

    I can tell you there is none as we speak, but I just feel I need to put in more in creating time to attend to them. That does not mean I don’t attend to them, or I don’t see them or move close to them, but all am saying is that unlike members who can decide not to come to parliament in a day I cannot. Even when we are on holidays I still have to be here, I have to attend to correspondence, treat files, give approvals and so many other things. So it is quite a different thing from what it used to be as just a member of the House. And that is exactly what I am emphasising, and there is no way I am trying to keep up to that without neglecting some of the other things that I have to do back home in my constituency. But I am sure they also know it is a responsibility, it is a duty that I have to make sure I do perfectly.

    You seem to have recorded a few first as Speaker of the Lagos Assembly, firstly, you are the first speaker to have the largest number of opposition lawmakers in the House, precisely eight, how have you been coping with them and how is the relationship like?

    I agree with you, well let me say I appreciate those you are talking about, the honourable colleagues representing different constituencies on the platform of PDP which is an opposition party in the state. But for the fact that they are responsible legislators and we have all established the fact that the paramount thing, is to work in harmony and in such manner that we would bring progress to our people. We will bring development to our state, we will eradicate poverty in our society and make Lagos as our business. That has been a major factor that is assisting and contributing to the progress we are making, because when we get to that floor we don’t think about party, we talk about the state, we talk about the people of the state and what we can do together to bring about progress, development to our state. And I think that has been helping us. And outside the chambers we have what we call parliamentary where we discuss and interact regularly so that we can address whatever issue that comes up that we believe we need to address. That’s what we’ve been doing and I will say they have been very supportive. But doing that does not mean that they have neglected their party, no, but where there is need to talk about party they still strongly believe they are PDP and they have to defend the party. So, I am saying loudly, they are good representatives and they are worthy parliamentarians.

    The second area you recorded another first is the town hall meetings which you held simultaneously in all the 40 constituencies of the state, that was a feat, and just recently the House passed the 2016 budget for the state, what is the percentage of the requests and demands of constituents across the constituencies in the town hall meetings that is captured in the budget?

    This is something that we ourselves as representatives of the people are working on, and you will recall, if you were here during the presentation stage, I as the representative of other colleagues also presented to the governor the collated report of all we gathered from that exercise from the 40 constituencies which was presented to the governor openly. So that people will see that at least we have kept our promise. Whatever we have collated, whatever we have taken from them in terms of information, we have put them together and handed it over to the governor. I think our own assignment ends there, because it is not our responsibility to start carrying out projects and some other things. But we will use our office to continue to monitor the executive in such manner that they adhere to what we have requested from them; I mean to look at our report that was presented to the governor and do some of the things that our people asked for. And I want to tell you categorically that they have started working on it as we speak.

    The House raised a committee to screen the governor’s nominees for the state exco which was a deviation from the usual practice of screening them openly on the floor of the House. What are the major reasons why you opted for that style of screening and will you say at the end of the exercise that you achieved the purpose for adopting that format?

    Well, you said some people saw it as something secret, but some also said it was a good thing. And I will tell you the reason. Firstly, we need to establish the constitutional fact about it, that the parliament is never restricted in the constitution to conduct screening either in the open or behind the door. But the purpose of the exercise is to make sure, one, I have been here for long and I have participated in such exercise numerously. I think, based on my experience, the only way you can screen somebody is to have enough time. The only way you can conduct interview is to have enough time and when you are screening about 40 something people and you want to do that in a day or two or three days, there is no way you would get result, you cannot achieve the purpose of such exercise. And that was the reason why we resolved to conduct this exercise outside the chambers where members will have enough time to ask questions, investigate documents and so many other things. And I strongly believe it was successful, because it was conducted in such manner that those who were members of the committee had opportunity to investigate documents of each nominee, they received petitions, they went to court, they sought for legal advice from reputable lawyers, we can’t achieve this on the floor of the House. So, for me I think we did it in the interest of the government and of our people, because if you are going to serve in our cabinet; it means you want to represent our people, you want to serve our people and for you to serve our people we have to know you perfectly and very well, we have to know your background, we have to know where you are coming from and what you have in stock.

    Lagos has always set the pace for the country, it has always recorded cordial relationship between the executive and the legislature, what has been responsible for this and now as Speaker do you intend to maintain that tradition?

    I think firstly, you have to look at the background where we are coming from. Number one, you have to understand the fact that from 1999 up to this period, the governor and majority of the members of parliament have always been family of the same party, that is a fact…….

    (Cuts in) but we have some states of the same party executive and legislature and yet there is always crisis…..

    I will get there. And also you look at the category of people that have been representing various constituencies in this parliament, look at their background; you consider their experience, their exposure and years in politics also. All these are factors that have contributed to the success that we have recorded in Lagos State. And I must say this, people talk about rubber stamp, eye service and all that. For us, we strongly believe there is no cause to start what I would call crisis or in-fighting with the executive when there is no reason for it. Fine, the parliament has constitutional responsibility to perform certain functions and if these are being done without finding any reason to go headlong with the executive, then why should we disagree, why should we have crisis? Fine, the parliament will pass budget, after that the executive will execute the budget, while the parliament will start oversight function, we ask questions as to the performance of each MDA and at the end of the day if you discover they have adhered in totality with the budget you passed, tell me the reason why I should start crisis. And that is the reason why in Lagos State we have been enjoying this cordial atmosphere and that is why there has been peace in the state since 1999 up till this time. And you must also consider the personality of those who have been serving as governors, right from Asiwaju, Fashola and now Ambode. So if the governor is not so selfish, not corrupt, not greedy, so why should the parliament wage war against the executive. So, all in all, what has been happening and what has been working for us is that we on this side of the fence, we are doing our job thoroughly and we have seen the executive doing same, so there is no reason for clash or for us to start fighting, and mind you when there is crisis, it is the state that suffers Because without cordial relationship between the executive and the parliament the state cannot move forward.

    Lagos is the biggest economy after the Federal Government; now there is crisis at the federal level because of dwindling oil price, how strong is Lagos to withstand the pressure?

    I think this is an opportunity to commend our leader, our governor from 1999-2003, that is Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu. You know when he came in 1999, the revenue of the state was around N600m, from then up till the time he left it was raised to billions of naira, I mean with very strong institutions in place to continue to generate and increase our revenue. That was the beginning of our success story in the state. And since then, you know, when I mentioned that it depends on the quality of people that have been serving as governor; thank God we have those leaders that have the interest of the state and of the people in them before they decide to serve. And that is why we have continued to increase our revenue, and mind you we have invested strongly on infrastructure; and Lagos continues to expand and by so doing we are attracting more investors both locally and foreign. And the more we have them the more we increase our revenue. So we have been able to detach ourselves from the federal government in terms of fund since 1999 till date. So either the money keeps coming or otherwise, Lagos will continue to thrive and Lagos will remain a success story unlike so many other states. Fortunately, the last administration at the federal level lacked quality to serve as leaders or representative of our people and to me it was a great disaster to our nation and that is why this administration at the federal level is finding it so difficult to hit the ground running since resumption. But for Lagos, I think we are making progress and we will continue to do that as much as we continue on infrastructure development and keep the interest of the state before any other thing.

    Is the parliament ready to give more money to security in view of the daily influx into the state, more so when you don’t exactly know who is who?

    I agree with you, for you to have a successful economy, you want to ensure protection of lives and property. By the way, that is one of the major functions of the state as enshrined in the constitution; it is an assignment that must be done. And in doing that government has to invest seriously in security. Not long ago we did what we call re-ordering the budget, opening doors for the governor to acquire more hardware in terms of security, that is some few weeks ago. If the need be we will continue to do that, to earmark fund for the executive to ensure protection of lives and property because we cannot increase our revenue if there is no safety, no investor will come to our state if they cannot be guaranteed of their safety. And in view of this, if you want Lagos to expand beyond this, if you want our revenue to increase beyond what it is now then we have to continue to address the issue of security. So, if need be we will continue to earmark fund for security.

    There is no doubt that the legislature has a major role to play in ensuring good governance through the bills you pass into laws, how many of such laws has the 8th Assembly under your watch passed and briefly tell us the significance or importance of these laws?

    As I said earlier on, one of the major responsibilities of a parliament is lawmaking and that we have started, so far, the last one we passed was two weeks ago, that is the employment trust fund law. We all know the situation in Lagos, even in Nigeria, that majority of the teeming population, largely the youths are unemployed, majority of them cannot even access bank loan and in that wise, from the executive wisdom, it was thought of that there should be a kind of fund that will bring opportunity for our youths to access, those who are creative or the entrepreneurs among them can easily access this fund. So that they can start something on their own, by so doing we are creating employment for the people and at the same time eradicating poverty. That was the reason behind the law. We all know the significance of the budget, without the budget there is no economy as we are witnessing now at the federal level. We have some laws that have passed through the first and second reading which we are yet to pass so far and they all have their purpose. We have just worked on the LASIEC law which is to create opportunity for our people in various local governments to contest the local government election, because without that law in place there is no way you can conduct election at the local government level. The law will make it possible to elect their people to represent them at the local government level. We also did the ‘Ajagungbale’ bill on second reading; that is the property protection bill. We all know the problem of ‘Ajagungbale’ in the state and we all know how valuable land is in Lagos and the need for us to start doing something to curb the excesses of the ‘Ajagungbales’ and to protect the indigent amongst us, who have struggled to buy a plot of land and before you know it someone somewhere in the name of ‘Ajagungbale’ deprives him or her of the land. Also not long ago because of the incessant crisis we have in our university, Lagos State University, we amended the LASU law and that is to ensure that there is peace in LASU because for any community to grow education is very important and germane and for us to have good education there must be peace. And taking a step further we also create opportunities for investment in education sector most especially LASU to make it residential. All this we have done and so many other bills that we still have to work on.

    During the re-ordering of the budget last year, the overhead bridge at Agege-Pen Cinema was one of the three of such to be constructed in the state but it was dropped or rather replaced when funds for the budget was eventually released and that happens to be your constituency, what actually happened?

    Well, it is still part of it, if you look at 2016 budget, we still have provisions for that overhead bridge in Pen Cinema well embedded in the budget; it is still there. We agreed with the executive about the Agege project, probably along the line, they sought for expert opinion that with signalisation the traffic there can become easy and will ensure free flow. So that we should do signalisation before the bridge, if we record success through signalisation then we can suspend the bridge but if otherwise, we still have to build the overhead bridge. But I can assure you we still have that provision in the budget of 2016 and since it is there it cannot be taken away, so you can’t consider it dead except it is no longer in the provision of the budget. But as I am speaking with you the budget we passed for 2016 we have it well stated, flyover at Pen Cinema.

    Talking about bills and laws; what are the mechanisms you have in place to assess the impact of the laws you passed on the masses and the state?

    As you have said, the society on its own is also a source to monitor the impact of the laws passed by the House because they have right to come back to the House and I want to tell you this, we have been doing that. If you look at the traffic law which generated a lot of hullabaloo, we received a lot of petitions from both the okada and Marwa riders, drivers, even reputable people, about the law, that we should look at the law again. And we are going to consider it, we are going to look at it again and see what we can do about that. Also the process of town hall meeting is also an avenue to assess what we have done because it is to create an opportunity for people to comment on what we have been doing, what we have achieved. And on our own, of recent I discussed with the chairman, House committee on Judiciary the need for us to look at the child rights’ law and domestic violence. She should take it up and look at it because everywhere today it is all about domestic violence, child abuse. We are doing that, we can set up a committee to address that and at the same time we largely rely on society to feed us back and the CSO also are there, they are also relating with us to tell us what and what we should look at.

    Recently chairman of the conference of Speakers visited the senate president to discuss issues on constitution amendment, now that APC is in government at the centre are you still pushing the issue of a special status for Lagos?

    Let me take it from the chairman of the Speakers conference. Of recent we elected a new Speaker. And as part of his assignments he has to relate with the National Assembly and one of the things agitating our minds is about the amendment of the constitution to enhance our performance as state Assemblies. Because most of the state Assemblies are not all that free, they are tied to the executive, the independence is not really there. And we believe through the amendment of the constitution this can be achieved. And truly if we want to enjoy democracy the parliament must be free from the executive. Any way the major feature of democracy is separation of powers and there must be checks and balances among all the arms of government. So there is need for us to amend the constitution so that most of the Houses of Assembly can gain independence from the executive. Now, on special status for Lagos, that is not negotiable. It is a must, as we have witnessed, we see every day in Lagos the need for the federal government to give Lagos State special attention and by special attention I mean special fund. Special fund to do so many things. We have just spoken about security, infrastructure and we still have to maintain some of the federal government’s presence in the state. We have been talking about this in our parliament and we are not going to get tired of it, we will continue to call for it and we will continue to write the president and the National Assembly to ensure that they consider Lagos State for special status. Not only that we also talk about state police. Without having our own police we cannot effectively talk about protection of lives and property. Whereas we are shouldering the responsibility of federal police, so what stops us from having our own police that will protect lives and properties. People talk about using state police against opponent, is it not happening at the federal level, did we not see what happened in Ekiti, Osun and other places? So why do we have to use that as a reason to deprive states from having their own police outfit, I think we will achieve that. And in our own party we clamour for federalism and what we have just mentioned has to do with federalism and we must ensure we practice federalism in totality and I strongly believe our party will surely do that.

  • Coping with loss of a loved ones

    HELLO Harriet, I sent you a mail at a time last year which you promised to publish, so that others in similar conditions might learn from your wise counsel. The mail in question was about losing a life partner that was my wife, and since then, I have lost interest in women. Should I start another relationship? Please, help me. Thanks.

    Name withheld, Uyo

     

    Kindly accept our sympathy about the death of your wife; we must commend you for sharing your story so that people who are in the same situation will know how to deal with the challenges of losing a loved one.

    The death of a loved one is very painful and devastating, a lot of difficult emotions come to play. These are normal reactions to a significant loss. Dealing effectively and positively with grief caused by such a loss is based on your recovery process and your ability to continue with, fulfil your own life for the better.  However, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time can renew you and allow you to move on.

    Grief is a natural response to loss, it is basically the emotional suffering you experience when someone close to you dies which is more than your feelings; it will show up in the way you reason. You may be in denial that the person is no more, you might be in a confused state of mind, your thinking muddled. Unable to concentrate on anything might pose as a challenge because all attention is on the beloved that is no more, how he or she died and the life that was shared before the loss.   The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. People grieve differently, and this is simply because our personalities and the way we manage issues differs, for example, some people might mourn their loved one for months, while others take  years.

    The grieving process takes time, while healing is a gradual process. It cannot be forced or hurried, it must take its natural course.  Therefore, whatever emotion you are experiencing, try to understand that it is only natural. So, express yourself the way you feel, provided you don’t harm yourself. If you feel like crying, please do, because crying is a therapy on its own. So don’t hold back. Before we proceed on ways to deal with the loss of a loved one, it will be nice to explain the stages of grief that are common with most people.

    Denial is the first form of emotion that hits the person, refusing to the fact of the loss, with some expectation that the person might just walk in. Slowly the person moves into anger, the feeling of why me, then the blaming attitude. May be if I have done this or that she or he would have lived, or if only I have treated him or her better, and so on.

    Depression, the feeling of sadness and shutting down on the world is also another stage of grief. The bargaining feeling for some people is not left out; a way of trying to strike a deal that will reduce the pain of the grief.

    The stage of acceptance is another that must be mentioned in this aspect, it is the point when the person works through the feelings and conflicts that have arisen and he or she is ready to accept the fact of death. The general effect can be physical and emotional, so the way forward is to take certain steps that might help the healing process; talking about your feelings is a good way to start, you can talk to your support group which can be you family members who are there for you or good friends who are ready to listen to you or a trained counsellor whose job is listen and guide you through the necessary healing process in confidence. Talking will make you feel better as time goes on. Next is to get busy once you are strong enough to handle the death, trust me, the pain of losing a loved one cannot disappear overnight from time to time you will remember the person. There will be flashbacks, but you must learn to occupy yourself. Most importantly, turn to God for solace because he is the only one that can give you inner peace and he knows the reason why he allows it to happen. If you are questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.  Start reading inspirational books or journals. They will help your healing process. Change of environment might also help some people during the process of recovery in order to move on.  Take up activity of your choice, something you enjoy doing could be sport for example. If there are children involved, you must try to be there for them and the only way you can achieve that is by staying healthy because they look up to you for strength. The aspect of not finding interest in women for now is expected for some people because of what happened to them and their present state of mind which is natural, but with time everything will be fine.  Now, going into a relationship at this time might cut across in two ways; first, if you have not gone through the grieving process, you might not really be going into a relationship for the right reason. Secondly, the issue of comparison will be a great challenge, if not handle properly. Relationship will come. You will find happiness and joy again, if you give yourself time. So, learn to take every day as it comes, trusting God to give you a person that will understand where you have been and where you are going.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Four qualities of a player

    Four qualities of a player

    A COUPLE of years ago, Trisha met Donald in on her way to work, and they exchanged numbers, at first Donald would call Trisha and they would chat, later on he would pick her up from her  office after work and drop her off at home. He claimed that he lived at Epe, but always dropped her at her Surulere apartment every evening, before retiring to his sister’s apartment at Ojuelegba. And never introduced Trisha to his sister. When he started asking her to loan him money, she stopped taking his calls, and asked her staff not to allow him into her office. Years later, they ran into each other, and he admitted that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was living with at the time he met her, but claimed that the relationship was over. Trisha was lucky enough to have avoided a player, and is now happily married to a wonderful husband- a real man. So how do you recognize a player? Enjoy;

    1. Lies a lot.

    A player’s stories never add up. As I have mentioned times without number, when dealing with a man, never listen to what he says, rather look at his actions, actions don’t lie. So you are dating a guy who says one thing and does something else, please watch out, he might have something under his sleeves. If he says he will call, and never does, claiming to be too busy, or says he is in one place and you discover that he is elsewhere, the list goes on.

    1. Won’t invite you to his house or office.

    The most natural thing to do when you are getting to know someone is to be invited to their homes or/and office. When a regular date becomes a serious relationship, and you astill don’t know his office or house, it might be that he has something to hide. Like Donald, who was living with a woman whom he claimed was his sister, and never introduced to Trisha, how many ladies are wise enough to smell a rat? If he won’t show you his house, friends, or relatives; there is a reason. Please investigate.

    1. Attempts to turn you to his ATM with his hard luck stories.

    I can’t count the number of times I have come across the hard luck stories of ladies who gave their love and money to guys, and the guys took off. It never seems to end well, even when the men marry them, the likelihood of them becoming the breadwinners to the women who fended for them in the past remains low. Only this week, a relative of mine was beaten black and blue by her husband; a rich man she married when he had no job. She was actually feeding and clothing the guy. Unbelievably, today, she is responsible for feeding, school fees, and welfare of their four kids, even though he is now very rich, and owns Petrol stations today, can you believe that? Oh, and he also acquired a new wife.

    1. Almost always wants to rush you to have sex with him.

    The decision to have sex with a man you are not married to is a personal decision for the female to make. The player is always in a hurry to get you in his bed, promising you the world for it. Only, afterwards you might find that he is making the same promises to any number of ladies out there. My take on the issue of pre-marital sex? Never give in just because you want to please him. If you want to become the village mattress, it is okay if that is what you want, but remember, the risk is that you might just be another one of the babes he uses and dumps. I like the way the Americans put it, “If he likes it, he should put a ring on it.” Enough said.