DIVORCE occurs when a couple decides to put an end to their marriage by going back on the agreements they made initially. This usually comes with a lot of discomfort especially at the early period of the process and it gets worse as the years roll by. Divorce can be a stressful experience affecting finances, living arrangements, career, schedules, parenting and the outcomes of the children and the marriage as they face each stage of development from childhood to adulthood.
If the family includes children, they may be deeply affected. The outcome of children from broken homes is often not a good story to tell. It is often believed that those children grow to become a threat to society. These children are affected psychologically, academically and sociologically. Apart from the effect on the children of divorced parents, undeniable is the emotional destabilisation that comes with divorce on the affected parties; every plan, dreams and aspirations at the start of the relationship suddenly hit the rocks and are shattered.
Why would one want to go through this stress when there could be a way to avert it from the beginning? This is where proper courting comes in. Courting, and healthy courting at that, helps to avert lots of future stress which may pose to destroy one’s marriage. Courtship is important because one cannot afford to get married to the wrong person even when one thinks he or he has made a right choice. This means that one has to know the party he intends to get married to very well. Courtship is a time of discovery; a time to discover the real feelings of both parties, which you could not get across to at the period of first meeting.
“What this means is that you get to know the individual well and look beyond the modesty he or she tries to present initially. Beauty can be deceptive and first impressions may be consciously fake; one has to go beyond this level of ignorance to knowledge. Proper courtship also helps to reduce the rate of divorce in the society. Many cases of divorce arise from surprise behaviours exhibited by the parties in the marriage. One will hear statements like “he changed all of a sudden” or “this is not the person I got married to”. “Well, it is the same person but enough time was not taken to carefully study the individual,” says Toun Mabadeje.
For Kehinde Odunowo, the period of courtship is an ideal time where the parties involved come to a mutual understanding of their differences and build a lifestyle that is accepted by both of them.
While courting, activities that would help develop and improve the relationship should be carried out. Activities like attending relationship seminars and talk shows, receiving guidance from experienced people like parents, reading motivational relationship books, settling disputes appropriately and in time, lots of bonding and spending time with each other.
Family support throughout the years is an important factor for a successful marriage. The couple deepens their friendship by spending time together. They are advised to spend enough time as reasonable; get along with like-minded friends and enjoy activities, go out for dinner, play sports together, read books out loud to each other, etc.
There is also a need to establish the difference between courting and dating because the meaning of courting is often misunderstood by today’s society. Courting is step two on the road to marriage, with step one being dating. From what is established above, courtship should be between two people who intend to get married and not just for people with the intention of having series of intimate physical relationship. Dating is simply having an intimate, mostly sexual, relationship with a person not necessarily with an intention of getting married. People that date do not necessarily court. When courting is present, two people have agreed together as one to intentionally and deliberately say, ‘we are courting to get married.’ You should only enter courtship when you are ready to marry. It is not about playing, doubt or uncertainty; at this stage, you are about to get married.
A courtship doesn’t have to develop into marriage because a couple can decide they are not for each other and remain friends, which is perfectly okay. There are certain things to also put in mind for courtship. One of which is the fact that if one does not see himself or herself getting married to the person he or she is dating, the courtship can be delayed; only enter into courtship with whom you would consider marrying. Like the popular saying goes, “A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage.” Secondly, a successful courtship requires love, patience and oneness. Thirdly, avoid hiding your feelings during courtship. Another truth is the fact that the habits one forms during courtship will bleed into the marriage. Also, courtship requires the couple to be honest and transparent so both can make a choice about life together.
Most importantly, a healthy courtship should have strong communication; courtship is successful when you can become best friends. The best relationships or marriages happen when couples are best friends. Courtship is not for the emotionally immature; one should not get into a courtship until you can be happy alone and not attempting to heal emotional wounds through a relationship. Another thing to put in mind is the fact that courtship is a selfless relationship; a selfish person should not even have a serious relationship until he or she is mature enough to share life with someone without seeking to gain something. Also very important is a need to break every soul tie. To have a successful courtship, the parties must be ready to break up any relationship he or she had earlier established with any other party. This is because when you maintain two or more relationships at a time, you put demands on your emotions. Tell the truth to yourself and make a choice.
The actual pattern of a courtship relationship will vary from one couple to another, because no two couples or situations are the same. A healthy courtship should bring out the best in you.
