The Nation Newspaper

Tag: divorce?

  • Cleric makes u-turn from divorcing fourth wife

    Cleric makes u-turn from divorcing fourth wife

    A 65-year-old Islamic cleric, Ibrahim Yusuf, who sought dissolution of his marriage to his fourth wife, Bolanle, on Thursday in Alimosho Customary Court in Lagos made a u-turn.

    Yusuf told the court that he was still in love with Bolanle, adding that he had forgiven her of her bad behaviours and ready to continue the marriage.

    “I don’t want to divorce my wife again, I still love her and she has promised to turn a new leaf,’’ he said.

    The court President, Alhaja S.O Mumuni, therefore, ordered the petitioner to write a letter of withdrawal and adjourned the case to Feb.10.

    Yusuf had pleaded with the court to dissolve his 27-year- old marriage to Bolanle for alleged battery of his new wife.

    The petitioner said that Bolanle with whom he had two children, had turned his new wife into a punching bag.

    “Bolanle did not allow my new wife to have peace in the house as she was always fighting and beating her at will,’’ he said.

    He described Bolanle as a troublesome woman, adding that respondent always fight him and in the process tore his clothes to pieces.

    “My wife is a good fighter; she fights me regularly and always makes sure that she tears my clothes into rags before leaving me,’’ Yusuf said.

    The cleric said that he married another wife because his fourth wife had stopped washing his clothes for more than seven years.

    “I married another woman because my fourth wife refused to wash my clothes and my other wives cannot wash them because it is the duty of the youngest wife to wash my clothes.’’

    Yusuf said he stopped eating foods prepared by Bolanle because he was afraid she might poison him through such process.

    “My wife always tells me that if she knew that I was going to marry another wife after her, she would have destroyed my life.

    “So, due to her statement, I stopped eating her food because I don’t want to die now,’’ he said.

    Also, Bolanle, 56, a trader, admitted beating her husband’s youngest wife.

    Bolanle told the court, “she looked for my trouble, when I came to the house to see my husband in respect of my children’s welfare, his wife started raining curses and abuses on me.

    “ So, I descended on her because I am not her mate,’’ she said.

    The mother of two, who pleaded that the court should not grant her husband’s wish, said that her husband begged her to marry him.

    “He swore with the holy Quran that he would not marry another woman; he promised me then that I would be his last wife.

    “I did not want to marry him because he already had three wives then. I later agreed to marry him when he swore with the Quran, but he failed to fulfill his vow,’’ Bolanle said.

  • Wife seeks divorce for alleged sexual starvation

    Wife seeks divorce for alleged sexual starvation

    A middle-aged woman, Latifat Adeleke, has asked a Mapo Customary Court in Ibadan, to dissolve her marriage with Adetola Adeleke, over alleged sexual starvation.

    Latifat, a trader and mother of two, on Wednesday asked the court to end the nine-year-old marriage after declaring that she was “totally fed up.”

    In her petition to the court, Latifat alleged that Adeleke, a spare parts dealer, aside from neglecting his traditional responsibilities of catering for her and the two children, had no time for her.

    “Adeleke has over three to four years now, failed in his responsibilities as a husband towards me and as a father to his two children.

    “The worst of all, my Lord, is that he has kept away from having sexual intercourse with me which greatly saddens my heart.

    “We no longer stay together and the bond of love between us has disappeared,” Latifat declared.

    Adeleke, who denied all the allegations levelled against him by his wife, however told the court that he was happy to part ways with Latifat.

    He alleged that his wife was adulterous, extravagant and a party enthusiast.

    “My lord, this year alone, Latifat has dubiously obtained close to N300, 000 from me in the name of celebrating birthday for our children.

    “I once caught her red-handed with her lover on our matrimonial bed.

    “When I asked her if what she did was right or not, there was no remorse, even when it actually happened on our matrimonial home,” he said.

    “She has been involved in all manners of atrocities; this is why I called it all off with her.

    “Please, my Lord, I don’t want her to take custody of the eight and six year-old children, because she doesn’t stay around; Latifat keeps going to parties,” Adeleke told the court.

    After listening to both parties, the President of the court, Mr. Ademola Odunade, adjourned the matter till Jan. 27, 2016 and directed both parties to produce evidence to support their claims.

  • The effect of divorce on children

    GOOD afternoon, I need an advice about effect of divorce on children. Thanks.

    Ed Shaeed.

    THE effect of divorce on children is one of the most questions I received recently therefore reading through my mail I decided to treat it again although a few months back we did have two publications on the topic of how divorce affects children in respective of their age. The latest global statistic on divorce is alarming. There are strong signals that more and more marriages are crashing for different reasons with the children in the center of the whole issue. Divorce is traumatic for not just parents alone but also children most times parents worry about how they can deal with their new status forgetting the fact that their children are also going through the same emotions only that they level of their upset varies depending on the child’s age and the amount of information given in respect of the circumstances surrounding the divorce in the first place. Children, toddlers, teenagers and youth have different ways of expressing their emotions when it comes to issues like divorce, don’t forget that some of them have grown to seeing the way their parents interacts whether good or bad and trust me children always have it in mind that things are going to get better in some cases. Every child wants to see his/her daddy and mummy living together happily, no child wants to be separated from his mummy or dad except in a case of domestic violence. Children whether younger or older view divorce different and if not manage properly can affect them in so many ways, could be presently or later.  Children experience a lot of feelings as a result some children may respond in multiple and varied ways to the decision of their parents’ divorce/separation.

    Some of their reactions are based on the fact that their parents are not going to be together again. some of the factors that affect the children are as follows;  anger, fear, a sense of loss, guilt and blame,  shame and embarrassment, relief, insecurity / low self-esteem, academic problem, grief, depression and isolation or loneliness and so on. Anger is one of the most common reaction children shows to parental divorce. Children , grown up or teenagers may be so anger because the divorce has disrupted their family setting by creating disorder especially in situation where they already have their friends and schools but now have to move as a result of the divorce some of them really get angry at their parents and people around them. If not address can truly lead to resentment while some might repress their anger with the feeling of denial, pretending that the divorce is not true. Children who suppress their anger may suffer heightened stress. They may experience anxiety attack, night mare, moodiness, and severe depression.

    Next effect of divorce on children is fear; the greatest challenge for children in situation like divorce is the fear of the unknown. A lot of questions come to their mind, where they will live especially if they now have to move to a new place, what will happen to them? Who will be responsible for certain things for them? How often will they get to see the other parent? They may fear total abandonment by one or both parents that’s for the youth. They may also fear how their friends are going to react to them knowing that their parents are now divorce. A teenager/ youth going through this may react by withdrawing and becoming less communicative with parents or peers. further effect of divorce on children is the feeling of blame or guilt; most children see their parents divorce or separation as their fault, they are quick to think that the divorce was as a result of what they did that their parents were not happy about, it leaves them with the feeling of guilt at all times and if not address properly can affect the child’s personality. That is why in most cases children are the one who tries to bring their parents together again except in an abuse case. In addition to the effect of divorce on children is Relief: if the relationship has been an abusive one, some children especially the teenagers might have witness or suffered abuse themselves. Situations like this where children are constantly living in fear and pain because of domestic violence. Academic problem is not left out when mentioning the effect of divorce on children; it is more difficult for a child to concentrate on schoolwork in times of family pandemonium. Slipping grades may be a means of gaining attention or expressing rebellion, and at the initial stage with all the happenings the parent have his or her issues to start adjusting to, will find it a bit challenge in mentoring the children’s school work. More over insecurity/low self esteem is also a factor that affects children when divorce takes place, going by the definition that self esteem is the collection of belief or feelings that we have about ourselves (perception) which influences our motivations, attitudes and behaviour. Children from divorce homes are vulnerable to feeling of insecurity and low self esteem, they always belief their existence brought about their parents’ divorce.  They feel stigmatized by everybody, the children if care is not taken will lack confident in themselves or what they can achieve.

    The fact that in a divorce one parent seems to be with the children without the other, so the circumstance surrounding the divorce always makes it harder for either parents to give attention and affection to the children who in return feel unlovable and abandoned. Other factors that can affect children in the case of divorce are shame and embarrassment, grief, depression, isolation which can lead to lonely feeling. The dealing with the affect of divorce on children  as mentioned above are: communication; talk to your children reassure them that no matter the situation they are your priority and that you will forever love them because divorce can create wound in children. Talk to them about what’s going on, what they are feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power. Learn to encourage them in whatever they are doing and make them understand that the divorce is not their fault at all. Offer support, ask them what they feel will make them if better about the divorce. Spend quality time with them, show them love and care. On your part do take good care of yourself, keep yourself physically and emotionally healthy so that you can shape your family again but if you feel you need help don’t hesitate  visit a trained professional ( counselor/therapist) who will help your children and yourself go through this major change in a healthy way. Special thanks to those readers who send in questions and suggestions through email and text messages. We appreciate you!

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Effects of divorce on kids (1)

    I am processing my divorce papers. My greatest fear is how my action is going to affect my children. I am blessed with three wonderful children that I cherish a great deal. Please, Harriet, I will like to know the effects of divorce on children. Thanks.

    Ms. Jenny

     

    THIS is a good question because it will help you know your expectations and how to handle them. When parents no longer love each other and decide to live apart, children have this feeling that their world has been torn apart. The level of upset they feel varies, depending on how their parents got divorced or separated, their ages, how much they know about the divorce, the support available from their parents, families and friends. However, countless scholars have conducted studies on the effects of divorce or separation on children, identifying a wide range of results and responses, both immediate and long-term. While some mental health professionals believe that a divorce is more traumatic at some ages than at others, according to Josh McDowell’s handbook on counseling.  There is no good time for children to endure the divorce or separation of their parents. Divorce or separation is always stressful for children because most children do not want their parents to be separated or divorced unless the marriage was full of domestic violence or other source of misery which they found unsuitable.

    Children experience a lot of feelings as a result some children may respond in multiple and varied ways to the news of their parents’ divorce or separation. Some of the reactions due to the fact that their parents are not going to be together again are as follows: denial, a sense of loss, shame and embarrassment, blame or guilt, anger, fear, relief, insecurity, low self-esteem, grief, depression and isolation or loneliness and so on.

    Denial: This is a common response to emotional or mental pain. Some children act in denial in situation like separation or divorce. To them, it is not happening. They insist to themselves that their parents won’t go through with it. Because they are in denial, in most cases they may say nothing at all to their friends. If asked, may say their father is simply away on business. This form of denial is often maintained for a long time, even after the divorce is final and new living situations have been formed as children. They entertain a stubborn hope that their parents will soon get back together.

    Another form of denial children manifest is personal refusal to admit that he or she is really upset in any way by the divorce or separation. Such response is often characterized by an attempt to shrug off the divorce or separation or by refusing to talk about it because “it is no big dea”, while there may be, in rare cases, a degree of relief at the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Such casual responses are an indication of the children inability or unwillingness to face what is happening to his or her family.

    Apart from these, denial can also take other forms like idealizing the absent parent or even bragging loudly and frequently about parents’ breakup in order to mask his or her own anxiety. As a concerned parent, you must realize that denial is usually unhealthy. It is regarded as a defence mechanism. Children who resort to denial do so unconsciously to protect themselves and guard a certain degree of stability in their lives.

    Sense of loss: Divorce or separation to children creates the feeling of losing not only their homes in some cases, but the whole way of life as well.

    This can lead to psychological and behavioural problems. Children who feel troubled either by sense of loss are particularly likely to develop problems with anger, disobedience and rule violations.

    Their academic performance is not left out.  Some children, on the other hand, become perhaps overly responsible who end up caring for their parents instead of getting cared for by their parents.

    Feeling of reproach and guilt: Children often attach huge significance to a single event in their immature attempt to determine the cause of their parents’ divorce or separation. The most memorable events in a child’s mind are those that pertain to the child, for example, the disagreement about who will attend the PTA meeting. Children remember such agreement between their parents as their fault not knowing other factors that have led their parents to take such a decision.  As a result, children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce or separation.

    Teenagers may also think that their struggle for independence or their teenage rebellion contributed to the split. They may also feel responsible because of their dropping grades, flaring tempers, or failure to communicate their love to one or both of their parents. Some teenagers have even been told by parents or adults that their attitude or behaviour contributed to or caused their parents’ divorce or separation which is not true.

    Therefore, children who are experiencing blame or guilt sees it an urgent need to encourage their parent to reconcile.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Divorce made in heaven

    Some nine months after serving notice of possible ejection, J.P Morgan, the American lender finally made good its threat to kick Nigeria out of its Government Bond Index for Emerging Markets (GBI-EM). Tuesday last week, the bank announced that Nigeria would be phased out of its index by the end of September citing reasons of ‘lack of liquidity and transparency in the nation’s foreign exchange market’. In the view of the bank, the cup of the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN)’s meddlesomeness in the foreign exchange market has now run over. The cup was full in January hence the note it despatched to its clients putting Nigeria on Index Watch. That was sequel to the apex bank’s introduction of ‘administrative measures’ to prevent bets against the naira in the wake of the oil price collapse.

    A week on, our local players in the exclusive club of high-finance have done little else than parrot what their principals in global finance capitals have sold as the gospel on what is packaged as a sentence of death on the local economy. Today, foreigners – even if they are no more than currency speculators and traders – have become the authorities whose views must be treated as received gospel. If we are not daily harangued with the claim that the so-called diversified index is the most frequently used local emerging market debt gauge (as if that means anything to the struggling manufacturer struggling to survive the nation’s inclement operating environment), we are told that kicking Nigeria out of its indices could have a severe impact on Nigerian government funding at a time when many international investors are already wary of lending to the country. And who says an economy the size of Nigeria can be ignored for any length of time?

    We have also heard that Nigeria cannot do without a slice of the so-called $217bn investor money benchmarked against the GBI-EM suite of indices. I ask: when are going to be tired of the club of portfolio investors known to hit the road at the very sign of trouble in the local economy?

    Again, we have also heard that Standard & Poor and Fitch Ratings would follow suit in the coming weeks. Isn’t it supposed to be a free world? For sure, we will hear more of these and other doomsday predictions as the weeks roll by.

    Of course we know where all these are coming from. Our economy is in trouble and the vultures are merely hovering to see whether the elephant will go down. Oil prices are going down, and Nigeria is – supposedly – in no position to do anything about it. Foreign exchange – the gods on whose altar the traders and speculators worship – are in short supply. While the supply of forex continues to be in dire short supply, the demand for same unfortunately continues to grow in leaps and bounds – and now to such an extent that could not be explained by the volume of economic activities going on. Yet the vultures would rather have the monetary authorities throw their hands in the air and do nothing – so that naira could find its value even if in the end this value is indeterminate!

    Lest we forget, Nigeria was only listed on the index after the CBN removed a restriction for foreign investors to hold government bonds for a minimum of one year before they could exit. That was in October 2012. In other words, JP Morgan and their ilk would still have the CBN behave as if the conditions which existed then are the same today!

    The difference this time is that the CBN believes that with good tending, the situation could somehow be mitigated if not entirely redeemed. This thinking obviously informs the measures which it rolled out recently and which it considered as absolutely necessary at this time to halt the betting on the national currency. The idea being that if you cannot do anything about the supply end, you can at least put in some measures to ensure that frivolous demands and those bordering on speculation are kept out. That was CBN and Nigeria’s unforgivable sin for which JP Morgan and company would have the nation roast in noon-day sun – so bad that one analyst, Kevin Daly, a money manager at Aberdeen, Scotland, as reported by Bloomberg dared to describe the loss of the index status as “a classic own goal”.

    Of course, the analyst also let out a slip which he claimed forced JP Morgan’s hand as “squeezing the FX market and not allowing any locals to trade it, they just pushed investors to the sidelines”. (My emphasis). In other words, the CBN stands accused of not allowing further betting at the risk of putting the national treasury in jeopardy!

    Now, we can debate the measures by the CBN as to its effectiveness in the long run. I would certainly agree that some of the measures would require some fine-tuning. Overall, the measures would appear to bode far well for the economy at this point in time than the alternative being promoted by JP Morgan and its allies. The CBN has in my view, acted wisely to avoid the calamitous consequences of an un-moderated demand for forex.

    That takes me to the fetish that has come to be made of foreign investment. In an environment where the local business remains endangered, it is quite ironic that governments at various levels do very little else than pander to the whims of some foreign salesmen even when they have shown that they are mere soldiers of fortune. It seems to me a measure of how pretty little the nation has learnt of the lessons of the global credit meltdown of 2008 when the exit of the same portfolio investors sounded the death knell of our capital market.

    If there is any lesson in all of this, it is that the nation’s interest should come first; which is why it is hard to fault the CBN.

    ‘If you cannot do anything about the supply end, you can at least  ensure that frivolous demands and those bordering on speculation are kept out. That was CBN and Nigeria’s unforgivable sin for which JP Morgan and company would have the nation roast in noon-day sun ’ 

  • My wife is ungrateful, says divorce-seeking man

    A middle-aged man, Adedola Odetola, has taken his wife, Regina, before an Igando Customary Court in Lagos, seeking the dissolution of their five-year-old union.

    Odetola, a businessman, said 11 months after they got married, his wife started acting strange.

    He also described her as ungrateful, adding that he started a business centre for her but she didn’t operate it for two years.

    “She does whatever her mother and sister wants saying they are her priority to the extent of taking our foodstuff to them. At times, she violently collects money from me and gives to her mother and sister,” he said.

    Odetola accused his wife of being fetish, saying there was a day he saw a strange candle in their bathroom.

    “Since the day I caught her burying something in the front of our flat that was the day the love between us went sour,” he said.

    He said he was shocked when she dropped their second child with him last Sunday, claiming she had no place to stay. Odetola said he was tired of her, adding that he no longer wants her.

    In her defence, Mrs Odetola decried her husband’s attitude at home, saying she got to know from his brother that her husband hasn’t been happy with her for three years.

    “I once heard him on phone, saying I wanted to poison his food and since then, he has stopped eating from me and I still wash his clothes,” she said.

    The respondent said her husband gives her N1,000 daily, adding that he expects her to cloth their children out of the money.

    She said: “My husband doesn’t like cold food. So, I prepare his food when he is close to our house but he complains if he sees the food is still on fire and won’t eat from it. It is true he gave me a shop but he didn’t stock it. Even when he gave me N20,000 to stock the shop, I used it to buy clothes for myself and our children. His attitude is somehow. My mother has only visited our house thrice. I just want him to rent an apartment for me because he was the one who asked me not to work.”

    The Court’s President, Mr. Hakeem Oyekan, ordered the couple to be peaceful. He adjourned the matter till September 30.

  • Cleric seeks divorce from fourth wife after 31 years of marriage

    A 65-year-old clergyman, Olowolade David Laizer, is seeking divorce from his fourth wife, Esther, after 31 years of marriage.

    Laizer, who has six wives, told a customary court sitting in Ikorodu, yesterday, that the 55-year-old Mrs Laizer lacks respect for the house of God.

    The clergyman alleged that his wife rains curses on his church at the slightest provocation and had denied him conjugal rights for over a year.

    Laizer said their problems started when they lost their first son in 2013.

    The deceased was a university student, but died after a brief illness.

    “There was a parental dispute between her family and mine when we wanted to get married, so, we had to do two separate introductions. She even said I would die within three years if I divorced her,” Laizer said.

    Mrs Laizer, a teacher, said her husband preaches about her in the church.

    She said: “He says all sorts of things about me in his sermons. Yes, I’ve denied him of sex for over a year now because he said my private part is smelling…after 31 years of marriage and five children!

    “Four days after I lost my son, his sixth wife came into my room and took my pant and bra. I don’t know what she used it for, but she returned it later. She also cooked for me and put six pieces of meat in the soup. I refused to eat it because I don’t know what that meant for or who sent her.”

    The court’s president, Olu Adebiyi, encouraged both parties to keep the peace and told them to come with their family members on September 14, for possible reconciliation.

  • Woman to court: I no longer feel connected to my husband

    Woman to court: I no longer feel connected to my husband

    A 29-year-old housewife, Maryam Aliyu, has prayed a Mararaba Grade 1 Area Court, to dissolve her 9-year-old marriage to her husband, Abubakar Ja’afaru, for lack of care.

    The marriage, contracted in 2006 according to the Islamic rites, has not produced any issue.

    The petitioner accused her husband of not taking good care of her.

    “My husband does not provide me with food or good clothes; I am the one who always look after myself as if am single.

    ”We have been married for nine years, but no child though our sex life is good, but I don’t feel connected to my husband,

    ”I want the court not to waste time on this case because I don’t want to stay under the same roof with him as my husband anymore,” she said

    Defending the allegations, Ja’afaru said he still loves his wife.
    ”We don’t have children, but I still love her as my wife, I pray the court not to grant her the divorce.

    ”Children comes from Allah and I have faith we will have our children someday.

    ”There is food at home, things had not been easy for me that is why I can’t afford to buy her clothes always, but I do my best as a husband,” Ja’afaru said.

    The Judge, Mr Owuna Musa advised the couples to go home and try to settle.

    He adjourned the case till Aug. 24, to hear the outcome of the settlement or give his judgment.

     

  • Woman seeks divorce for 18-year-old marriage

    A 39-year-old woman, Bilikisu Adeniran, has prayed the Lagos Island Customary Court in Lagos, to dissolve her 18-year-old marriage to her husband, Musa, for constantly beating her over trivial issues.

    The petitioner said since they have been living as a couple, she never earned her husband’s respect.

    “My husband is very violent and not responsive to our children’s needs. It was when we got married, I learnt his previous wife left him because of his bad character. He returns home late nights and I am tired of complaining. He beats me with koboko whenever he wakes me from sleep,”she said.

    She also said her husband once poured her pot of soup in the toilet because he was against her being a food vendor and that when he eventually got her a job in a filling station, he stopped her from working because they increased the working hours.

    She said: “We fight always. There was even a time he visited a place where they requested for my cloth and my mother’s name in a bid to stop the regular conflict between us. As I speak, I will say things became worse.

    “My husband once got me arrested when we had misunderstanding. It was when the policemen knew I was his wife I was freed. When he tried to lock me up the second time, I left his house.”

    She accused her husband of being fetishistic adding that he has a wardrobe full of charm.

    “I really want an end to this union because I am suffering,” she added.

    Mr Adeniran, 47, in his response said most of the things his wife said were not true, saying he has always been responsible for their children’s school fees.

    The union produced four children between ages six and 17.

    The court’s President, Chief Awos Awosola, because of the respondent’s unruly attitude in court, gave him a three-hour community service and adjourned the matter till today.

  • Lawyer seeks divorce

    A Lawyer Mrs Hezelyn Chinwe yesterday pleaded with a Mushin Customary Court in Lagos to dissolve her two-year-old marriage with Ernest over lack of care.

    Mrs Hezelyn said Ernest no longer care and give her the necessary attention and love she needs as a wife.

    Earnest also accused Hezelyn on maltreating her step son. He also told the court on how she went out two occasions without informing him and coming home late at night.

    “I have a son whose mum died few years back, ever since the boy came to the house she has been maltreating the boy and feeds him with expired and rotten food. Whenever I confront her concerning the issue, she yelled at me and never allow me utter a word,” he said.

    Magistrate R.O Mushishi adjourned the case to August 24.