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  • I went into MENOPAUSE with the shock of my husband’s death in plane crash

    I went into MENOPAUSE with the shock of my husband’s death in plane crash

    DR. STELLA CHIJIOKE did a jig when she retired from her top flight job at the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) last year. Celebrating 60, she danced like she had never done before. Many at the occasion could not help wondering why she was in such an ecstatic mood, but no one was in doubt as to the fact that she had been blessed with a privileged life. Born to a father who had a master’s degree in Education from the Edinburgh University at a time that one could count the cars on Nigerian roads on one’s finger tips, Stella studied Medicine at the University of Nigeria Nsukka. A year later, she stepped into the NNPC and rose through the ranks to the top.

    But the charming Abuja-based health/wellness consultant would never forget the pains of the Bellview plane crash that took her husband’s life, as well as others that made her to retire into caring for people and touching lives.

    “I used to be an active young girl,” she said, reliving her growing up days. “I was an athlete and I represented my schools. I come from a disciplined family, because my parents were primarily teachers. As you would know, the teachers of old were really strict. But if I were not brought up by the type of parents that I had, I am not sure that I would be where I am today.

    “I have seen contemporaries who had it easy when we were young. I actually used to envy them in those days. But today, I thank God because there is no basis for comparison. I was really lucky that God planted me in my parent’s family.”

    “My father retired as a Zonal Education Inspector in Imo State. My mom was originally a school mistress. She then went through more courses in the University of Nigeria, Usukka, using the proximity of the university and ending up as an Administrative Officer there.

    “When my father retired, we had to move from Nsukka to Imo State. It was the period when Chief Sam Mbakwe was the governor. So, my mother worked in the office of the governor until she also retired.”

    Stella Chijioke’s memory of childhood was that of mixed feeling. “Like I said, I used to envy some of my mates then, because they were free. They could go anywhere. Whenever they came to visit me at home, I was always busy doing one thing or another. I was not allowed the frivolity of moving around visiting people. My father would ask you what is happening there that you want to see. He would ask you next about your home work. As a teacher, he drilled the six of us and today we are the better for it.”

    So what did that teach the young Stella?

    “That taught me that you don’t take life for granted; that it is what you sow that you reap. That if you really prepare for life and you have good help, that is, someone or people who lead you in the right path, there is no way your life will not be good, even more that you imagine. With the help of God, any little effort you make yields good result. So, hard work pays. That is the summary of what my early years taught me.

    “And in life, you must have integrity. You may get away with some bad things, but someday, the real you will show up and people who didn’t figure out who you are will find out. But a clean transparent life is better any day.”

    With parents who were constantly on the move, Stella’s education started in Government School, Uyo, where her father was the principal of the Government Teachers Training College.

    “That is the school that was later turned into the University of Uyo. From there, we came on transfer to Nsukka,” she said.

    On a scholarship from the government of Eastern Nigeria, Stella left for Rivers State, to an elite missionary school in those days.

    “I later gained admission into the University of Nigeria, Nsukka to study Medicine and was also privileged to gain scholarship. I had my post graduate degree at the University of Aberdeen, Scotland, in Occupation and Environmental Medicine under the umbrella of the NNPC. After I graduated for my first degree in 1978, the youth service year followed. Then I got a job at NNPC. But the employment actually came one year later.

    I had spent that year working at the Port Harcourt Nursing Home. The irony of it all is that when the job came, we didn’t know it was a privileged job,” she said.

    Stella is proud to have moved around Nigeria. “I used to speak Ibibio,” she said proudly. “Of course, there is nothing a person from Nsukka would say that I would not understand. So, I was able to speak some more languages. I did one year housemanship at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital in Lagos too before my youth service year in Rivers State.”

    For Stella, Rivers State remains a place she would not forget in a hurry. That was where she met her husband; the man who turned out to be everything to her. And even after he died in the ill fated Bellview plane crash on October 22, 2005, Stella refused to let go of his memory.

    It is many years ago, but her voice still betrays emotion when she talks about it.

    She said: “Rivers State was where I met my husband and that was where I got my NNPC job. Even when my husband got a transfer to Lagos for two years, we were still living in Port Harcourt where I had all my children. And that was because I was working at the refinery, the Eleme Petro-chemical, the town clinic which was called the zonal headquarters.

    “I was rising along the line. Before long, I was made Manager, Medical Services and posted to Benin to head the zone before I was later appointed a General Manager (Occupation and Environmental Health Dept) and transferred to Abuja. That was the position I retired from.”

    “Though I lost my mum, the loss of my husband in the Bellview plane crash was a turning point for me! It was too much for me. I went into menopause by shock. It just stopped, till today, it has not flowed!”

    “My husband was a petroleum engineer. He was working with Elf Petroleum, which is now called Total Nigeria Limited. He was one of the general managers. He was actually coming from Port Harcourt. He was an avid golfer. He had gone there for an occasion held by the golf club. He was supposed to have come back with Sosoliso or Chanchangi, which had Abuja-Port Harcourt flights then. Bur because he was a golfer, he said Port Harcourt golf club was having an event, so he went.

    “After 4 pm, he called to say he was still coming to Abuja. I told him that he must have missed the two direct flights. He replied that there would be a flight in Lagos to Abuja. He assured me that he would catch a flight to Abuja that evening from Lagos; that there was a Bellview flight for 7.45 pm, which he could catch that night. And he did.”

    Recalling her late husband’s last moments, she said: “My husband had bought books for my daughter who came from Ghana where she was studying Medicine at the Kwame Nkrumah University of Science and Technology. They had just finished one of the crucial examinations in Medical School. After that, they were to go into the clinical year.

    “She had sent a list of the books she needed and Daddy had said he would buy them. I had asked her how she was going to get them, and she told me that her dad could send them to her in Ghana by courier. So I asked him about the books and he said he would bring them to Abuja. That was when I told him that he had missed the two flights and he told me that he would get a flight from Lagos.

    “When he got to Lagos, he called me to tell me. And when he boarded too, he called. When we spoke on the phone, he asked what I was doing and I told him I was cooking soup. He asked what soup and I told him okro. He asked me to make it green as usual. He told me to freeze it so that he could take it with him on Monday morning when he would be going back. That was our normal routine anyway.”

    “He also told me to send the driver to the airport. It was the driver who called from the airport and told us to on the television. I asked why and asked asked if the plane had landed. He insisted that I switch on the television.

    “I told my daughter what the driver had said, so she said we should on the television. When we did, we saw breaking news on the screen and then the voice came that the Bellview plane was missing. I was dazed. I got up, sat down, got up, sat down.

    “I again called the driver to tell me what was happening at the airport. He told me that they had been called to the tarmac. What followed was the longest 20 minutes of my life, as I waited for him to call me. He didn’t call me after that time. I had to call him again.

    “By the time I called him, he was crying. By this time, the scrolling bar on the television screen was already updating us regarding the news about the missing plane. Sooner, the information came that the Bellview plane got missing from the radar seven minutes after take-off and all efforts to locate it had proved abortive. For me, it was the beginning of the end.”

    “I stuck to myself. The kind of work that I was doing also encouraged me to become a recluse. After my husband died, I went into depression. I lost interest in life. I was asking myself why I was still here. Okay the children are here and I have a job to keep, I kept reminding myself.

    “I lost interest in people. I was not going to parties or any other social event. My routine became from my desk at work, to the house and then to the church. I was such a triangular person. I had no extra activity. I didn’t have anyone who came around to visit! I was not going out to see anyone too.

    “Half of the time when I was alone in the office, I had tears as my companion. I was locked up all to myself. I had only myself to share my pains with. I was not even going to the market. I did not really want to see anybody. I was only seeing the patients who I had to see officially. And that routine is not good for anybody. It was not good for me too.

    My level of activity dropped tremendously. When my husband was alive, we used to socialise a lot. We were good dancers. But all that stopped.”

    As if that was not enough bad news, Stella Chijioke became challenged healthwise. And it was not the kind commonly heard of. “What happened was that my spinal cord collapsed! I had to be evacuated in 2008 from this country to India. My spine had to be operated upon and re-done. Right now, there are so many things that I cannot do.”

    But what could have led to this unusual kind of health challenge?.

    “That is why I am preaching that people should rectify their lifestyles. What led to it is what I am today preaching against as a wellness consultant. We should not take our good health for granted. What happened was that the level of my normal activity went down. From being an active girl, an athlete representing institutions, I was suddenly sitting behind the desk to work for years?

    “Also, I went through four quick pregnancies. I delivered four children within three years and five months. My mum shouted when I had the fourth one. She told me, ‘you are a doctor, why are you doing this to yourself?’ I told her that was how the children came. She said, ‘I don’t expect you to say that. It is not how it should be done. You will pay for it.’ Eventually, I paid for it.”

    “After each pregnancy, the hormones did not go down before I took in again. I was building up hormones again for another pregnancy. So I was returning from each maternity leave, with a new pregnancy. I did that four times. One baby is like ten months older than the next one. And it was unbelievable, but it happened.

    In later years, I met people who knew us in Port Harcourt, who asked me if the children survived. I told them that they all survived. Many of them said they survived because I am a doctor. But my abdominal muscles got weaker and weaker.”

    “My abdominal muscles got weak and they are the things that support the spine. They had been stretched beyond the elastic limit. When my second daughter was going for her master’s programme in Birmingham in the UK, I think I dragged some of the heavy boxes. That was when my spinal cord snapped.

    “I didn’t even feel it that day. It was after I had come back. I stayed two days with her in London, went again with her to Birmingham and stayed another two days. Those days were days of dragging boxes up and down. That happened between September and October.

    “When I got back, by December, the pain came. That was when I did an MIR, which was when it was seen to have collapsed. I had to travel to the East for a wedding. Sitting through that long journey started the pain. I was evacuated to India where I had a major operation. Now I am not allowed to take a flight longer than two hours, and I must be lying down.”

    If Dr. Stella Chijioke thought that those two episodes were enough, the icing on the cake was just ahead.

    She said: “Six weeks after I came back from my spinal cord operation in India, I was kidnapped from my father’s house in Imo State. I was with my younger sister. We went for my mum’s memorial service. I had become all of a sudden a kidnap victim. The ransom was an outrageous amount.

    “My driver managed to call my colleagues at work to alert them on what had happened. It was a sad time for my organisation and they did not take it lightly. The management immediately went into a rescue plan with the Federal Government in an operation which involved the highest security network in the country as at then.”

    “After few days, we were traced to a location between the borders of Akwa Ibom and Abia State, in an uncompleted building. I later heard that the Federal Government gave only two options. And that was, ‘find her or find her!’

    By Saturday of that same week, the government task force had already penetrated the village where we were located. The kidnappers were guarding the house where we were kept. There were no windows. There was a roof but not completely done. It was at the fringe of a forest. The village itself was not developed. You can only go in there through a track. By the second day, they threw in bread and two bags of pure water to us. We hurriedly gobbled it because we were hungry. That was Thursday morning.”

    “By Monday, the government task force under disguise had zeroed down to where we were held captive, through information networking. By Tuesday morning, we were rescued after a shoot-out. After that, I had to leave the country for a while. It was a nasty experience that made me to fear for this country.

    “As to whether they got money from us, they couldn’t get any ransom. But they took some money which was with us when they kidnapped us from the house. That day, they were shooting everywhere.

    “Abroad, I had to go and see a psychotherapist. He took me to those that handled the prisoners of war for America. When two of them saw me, they asked, ‘Madam, how did you survive mentally?’ I answered that I did not know. They said, ‘your husband died suddenly, your children are not with you. All of them are in school. You just got through a major surgery, and then a kidnap trauma. Did you see a psychotherapist when each of these happened?’ I said no.

    “Then they said, ‘after all these, you are still mentally balanced. You are defying the textbooks!’ They said that this kind of thing does not happen to an individual all at once or one after the other; that one or two of them is enough to derail any human being. So they asked me why I did not see a psychotherapist and I told them that in Nigeria, we do not see a psychotherapist; we either have the everyday doctors or psychiatrists. So, if the everyday doctors can’t handle your case, you end up in the asylum. So they laughed and said that I even still had a sense of humour. Well, I told them that I didn’t mean it as humour, but that it is the truth.’

    So, when Stella retired, she had already made up her mind on what she would do. “Though initially I wondered what I would do at retirement, I knew that I did not want to set up a full clinic. I didn’t have the time for that. I knew it would entail a lot. Setting up a full clinic would mean being there 24 hours for the patients, and at 60, with my health challenges, I knew I shouldn’t do it. I know that there is no need biting more than I can chew.

    “Most of the clinics in Abuja are owned by people who are younger, in practice and in age, so I wouldn’t want to be competing with them. What prompted me into caring for people’s wellness was also because I had aged parents. I believed that charity should begin at home.”

    So, Stella Chijioke put together Ultimate Wellness Ltd, an outfit that creates awareness, guides and cares for members of the public, advising them on how to spend money when they are not ill.

    “We are not treating people when they are ill per se. We want to let you know the vital information that where you live, what you eat and what you do contribute a lot to the disease, sickness or illness that you have now or would have later in life. We are not your primary physician but we tell you that there are things you must do to change the pattern of things around you, that will make you healthy, and this is doable.

    “I take people through a wellness plan. Everybody can be managed better, notwithstanding the illness such as diabetes, hypertension, stroke, obesity and so on. Somebody can still have a fulfilling life despite having all these sickness. For instance, acute diabetes can be reversed and the blood sugar brought down and lifestyle changed. This has been proven.”

    To prove it further, Dr. Chijioke sets a good example of a healthy lifestyle. “In time past, I did not use to take breakfast. I thought that was a good way of managing my weight. But now, I know that it is not the best way. I got to know at NNPC when I was putting this together. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If there is any meal not to be missed, it is breakfast.

    “The actual meal to be missed for me is dinner. When you eat heavy meal and carry it to bed, that is when the body does all the storing, which you don’t need. I have late lunch at 4pm or 5pm. It you are between the age of 45 and 60, you have to reduce the quantity of your food intake. You eat smaller quantities of food. Don’t overload food in your tummy.

    “I drink lots of water. As women, we are all expected to have eight to ten glasses of water every day. For men, it is ten glasses of water every day. That is the minimum. In hot Africa, we are expected to drink even more because we are always expending. Water helps us to detoxify from the environmental, natural toxins and even those we get from food and drinks.

    “For drinks, I take fresh fruits which must not be stored in the refrigerator for long. For exercise, which is very important, I get it from dancing. These days, I do that in the church. People do not know why I dance that much in church, but the truth is, it is a form of exercise for me. It is a form of activity, which my body needs so much. Of course, I also dance in church to glorify God.

    “Now I am involved. I am beginning to go out, to socialise. I used to be a dancer. My husband and I attended parties together a lot. And any party we went, we were the life of the party. We used to do floor ‘dance’ shows at parties, with people surrounding us and clapping.

    “I have been to parties lately. Even at wedding these days, I have started dancing again. Right now, I cannot go to night parties because I don’t have a companion. But I have resumed my dancing.”

    As a woman who has gone through these life traumas, what is her advice to people who may be facing challenges? “My answer is that they must have faith in God who makes the difference. You have to have God as pillar to hold you at such times when all fails. Hold on to Him, because He is already holding unto you.”

  • Which authority takes complaint from a wife who is battered by her husband?

    How does one handle a bully husband? Which authority takes complaint from a victim wife? A man so battered his wife this morning I felt like inviting the police. – 08024061242.

     

    Hello! Everyday all over the world, wives are being beaten and battered to death by the same men who are supposed to protect them. Physical abuse is something no woman should put up with. I wonder why the wife is this case has not cried out. It appears the couple who just spoke about lives in your environment. We have all these community meetings not only to ensure that we have adequate security and keep the environment clean. We have them so that we can look after each other and generally being our brothers’ keeper. God forbid, if this man beats his wife to death, the whole community will then have no choice than call the police and arrange a burial for her. At that point, it would be too late.

    If you have a chairman in that community (mine is a close consisting of just about 20 houses yet we have a chairman who ensures the different families are doing fine), arrange to let him and other people (men and women who do not beat their partners) speak with this man. He should be made to know that if he tries to physically abuse her again, it will become a big police issue.

    If on the other hands, the wife is the one who moves the man to the level of uncontrollable anger, older women should have a word with her about how to keep her caustic tongue in check. Weak African men resort to their strength over women when angry while their ‘oyinbo’ brothers fire bullets. Real men are those who silently deal with women who give them problems.

    If you think your community can’t handle this couple, then, you may suggest to the women to seek for help from a of the many women

  • No woman can snatch my husband if I get a second shot at marriage—Aisha Falode

    No woman can snatch my husband if I get a second shot at marriage—Aisha Falode

    YOUR TV programme, The Amazons, is solely about women. Are you such a feminist?

    No, no, no. It is not for women alone; it is for the family. It is just that women are the ones who drive the family. The home is set by the woman. The woman defines how she wants the home to be run. She is the bedrock of the family. She takes the initiative. She builds the foundation for the children.

    If you get the family right, you get the society right. A lot of the problems we have in the society now can be traced back to the family. And as women, we feet concerned that there is a lot of holdback when we want to deal with these issues, especially the non-traditional issues. Those are the issues that really affect us as a society. For the women, even though we talk about it in our private moments, we are never bold enough to bring them to the fore for public discourse.

    Take for instance sexual intercourse. Promiscuity is not only about the girl child; it is also about the boy who is just starting to discover himself. At what point do you start to talk with a child about sex and the consequences of being sexually active?

    We live in a society where you cannot place any restrictions on the children anymore. Learning and teaching is reality for the kids. If you don’t talk to them about it at home, they are going to have to find out themselves. We have a lot of outlets that will give you this information, whether you like it or not. So it is your responsibility as a family to sit the child down and tell the child that look, what you see on TV, a lot of it is the reality.

    Reality is what drives the television. It is basically for entertainment, but the reality of life is different from the reality of TV. The responsibility of them distinguishing between the moral, the ethics, and what is right and perceivable still falls on you as a mother. This is where we come in.

    Even as mothers ourselves, we have a lot of issues that trouble us. For instance, you talk about relationship and what really holds a marriage together. Even though you may not be married, you are exposed enough. You have friends who are married. You have relations who are married. So, you have a lot of experience and example to draw from.

    Women have a lot of health issues that we are not too comfortable to discuss.

    Take menopause for instance. A lot of us go through menopause at very early age now, but because of the restrictions, how will the society perceive us? You talk to your friends and they are like no o, I don’t want people to know that I am old. But, for God’s sake, it is not a disease; it is just a natural process that you have to go through in life.

    Menopause, these days, does not even come with age. And what if it comes with age? I mean gone are the days when a woman hides her true age. These days, I’m happy to tell you I’m over 50. The men will tell you without even thinking twice about it. Why do you want to hold on to this stereotype belief that with a woman, everything has to be kept secret?

    Even if it is a disease, should someone be afraid to talk about it?

    What does it take for a woman? If you know that something is wrong with your breast, why don’t you discuss it with your friend? Why don’t you seek medical help? Why do you want to leave it too late until, perhaps maybe, what you didn’t want people to learn about will eventually kill you and it will become public knowledge to rest of the world? We are just trying to break that barrier between what is permissible. Everything is permissible. This is what The Amazons is all about.

    It is not all about women issues. We also talk about politics. We talk about governance: how does it affect us as women? How does it affect our children? What is the guarantee for the future if we continue this way? What is the leadership role that a woman can take in order to effect the changes that we so deserve and desire as the bedrock of the family? What is our responsibility in ensuring that the quality of leadership that we put in place actually starts from the home? How do we prepare our children?

    Look, if you can’t beat them, join them syndrome has to stop in one way or the other. These are the moral values that you must hold on to as a family. Good name, in Yoruba parlance, is better than silver and gold. You have to protect the name and integrity of your family. I think if we can get these basics as a family, it will translate to the bigger picture of the quality of leadership.

    At what point did you conceive The Amazons?

    Well, it had always been there. You know you sit down with friends, and you just let go. But in order for you to now affect the larger society with what we discuss, I found that there was a lot of restriction among friends, saying we can only talk about it here. Men sit down and talk about relationships; they talk about their experiences with women. Why can’t we also talk about our experiences with men? A lot of women are going through divorce. They are patching their marriages. They want to make it work by all means, but a man will not care a hoot about it. We are not saying that as a platform of affecting the society, what is wrong is right. We are just saying that what is wrong is wrong and what is right is right. But there are some things you just cannot make happen the way you want them to be.

    What are the other options? How do you move on with your life? A lot of us are undergoing counseling in this Lagos State because of the pressure of marriage; because you want to have a relationship; because of the pressure of ‘look, I’m over 30 and I still cannot find Mr. Right.’ The family will put pressure on you. Your parents will put pressure on you. Friends will put pressure on you. But there a lot of bachelors who are in their 50s and nobody is pressurizing them. These are the issues we are talking about.

    But some of these issues also border on culture, ethics and values…

    We understand the ethics. We understand the values. But if there is nothing you can do about the ethics and the values, what is the way forward? What are the options in other for you to move on with your life?

    What are the highpoints of the show?

    The highpoint is when we are able to get people to break down the barriers and really come and talk about their experiences. We have had menopause discussed after several attempts to talk to people, saying ‘look, there is nothing wrong undergoing menopause.’ We have had women come to talk to us about their experiences and our feedback on facebook was quite amazing.

    Look, menopause has broken down marriages. Men could not just understand, why is my wife suddenly becoming depressed? Why is their sudden mood swing? Why is she not having interest in those things that used to interest her? They couldn’t find answers to it because they didn’t understand what was going on with the woman and, therefore, there is a disconnect in the relationship and that eventually affects the marriage to the point that they have to get separated.

    But if the men could understand, perhaps they will be more empathic. Perhaps they will be more understanding. Perhaps they could give that support that women need. We pleaded for advocacy; that the same way we are talking about cancer opening, that it is a killer, you need to do x, y and z, why don’t you also let women know these too? Let there be some kind of public enlightenment where it will really be discussed, where you have a forum, preparing women for menopause. Before you will hit the menopause, there is something called the pre-menopause; the periods are far in between. These are things you will experience in your body. The oestrogen and prostrogen are going to get depleted and it will affect your skin and your mood. You are going to break out in sweat. You are going to have internal heat. Perhaps, if you have any, it will shot up your blood pressure and this is where you seek help. Where is the support group? That information will really help in a long way.

    We’ve also had a boy who lived as a girl for so many years and because of the stigma couldn’t come out. Now the boy has realised that he cannot continue to pretend about his body. He was actually born with a defect where you have both the male and female genitals. When he grew out of it, he sought support and was able to undergo medical support in the United States. Now he is a full, handsome grown man. But he still needs one more surgery in order to complete the process. He was bold enough to come out and talk about it on The Amazons.

    We also had the people we call the run girls; girls who sell their bodies for money. Although they are not on the street, they do it through connection and network. We also have what we call the Aristos. They have proper jobs, but they still are not contended with what they have and still think that selling their bodies for money to keep up their social status is the only way they know. We brought them on the programme and told them that it is not the solution. We are able to now manage them and take them off that line of action.

    But it still depends on the free will of the individual. They know the consequences, the risk of getting involved in such act: you could be raped, killed or drugged. You could end up with STDs or HIV. They know all these risks and consequences and still, they are not able to pull back and say ‘look, I could die from this.’ But because this is the only way they know how to survive, they still continue.

    We have several other incidents. We have gone to the market and seen women who, although they are not literate, they understand the power of global currency because they are global traders. They have made millions selling fabrics in Oke Arin (market). They send their children to the best of schools in the world and live comfortably. You do not need also to be so much educated. We place so much importance on certificate as a nation, which is why we have so much employment.

    The government also has not helped with the fact that we need to diversify our education. Apart from this paper qualification, what happens to our technical colleges? Abroad, you see plumbers, painters, you know workmen. They earn much more than those who wear tie and suit to go to the office in the morning. Why don’t they develop this sector of education? Everybody cannot be a graduate.

    You turn out the graduates and there are no employments to absorb the work force. And what do you have? You have youth who do not know how to channel their energy and they are involved in vices, fraud, kidnapping and all kinds of things. It is a means to survive. So, you need to deemphasise this paper qualification and begin to also pay respect to technical qualification. That way, we’ll have jobs for our youths. There will be wealth creation. The youth can also create wealth for themselves and become self employed and employ others. These are serious issues that we treat on The Amazons. Ultimately, it is about the family.

    In this part of the world, women dread aging. Why is that so?

    I don’t have a problem with age. I tell people my age. I hit 50 last year. I’m proud to be 50. In a lot of ways, I can relate to the saying that age is in the mind. You are only as old as you feel in your mind. Once you feel that you are old, you begin to behave like an old person. But if you still feel young in your mind, you are what you perceive yourself to be. So I will encourage a lot of women to still deal with their mind as though they are young and still do the things that they used to enjoy doing although with moderation. I’m not saying go about still wearing your mini skirt. Now, you have to be conservative, respectable and still feel young. This is the way I think that women should start dealing with the issue of age.

    If you enjoyed clubbing as a young woman, get a group of friends together and have a girls’ night out. You may not go to the same club as your children. Don’t go and stay overnight. Go to the movies with a group of friends. Just go and hangout and come back home. It also helps relationships, where you are not suffocating one another. Your man is the outgoing type, you are at home nagging. He’s not going take you out all the time, he also needs his own time to be with his friends, hangout, go to the bar or go and hangout and watch the game with the boys. Pick interest in what your man is doing, but don’t suffocate him.

    The same thing with the man; don’t suffocate your wife. Give yourselves space. Of course, you also need time to spend with your husband. Take yourselves on holiday. It helps in a long way to maintain the freshness in a relationship.

    Over the years, there has been the argument over what really helps to keep the home. Is it food or sex?

    See no pretences. If you talk to 10 men, 90.9 per cent of them, that is almost a 100 per cent, will tell you that what goes on in the bedroom is much more important than what is in the plate on the table. Talk to them. That is what they go after when they go after girlfriends. The girlfriends don’t cook for them. It is what they do with these men that take the men to them. Let’s don’t pretend as women. Be creative. ‘Daddy, it’s me and you tonight.’ Recreate that old time and they will enjoy it. Even when they are in the process of straying, they remember that my wife can give me what I want. Even if they want to, they are held back because the woman is fantastic, and they are wondering why they are wasting their time with these small, small girls.

    Forget about food. Although it is also important, those people they are going out to see are not cooking for them. That is the truth. Let’s be frank about it. Perhaps, if I was as matured as I am when I got married, I could keep my home. But I wasn’t mature. If I get a second chance today, God help the lady that will come and take my place. Ase baba nla ise (she will have to toil for it).

    This is the time for women to wake up. Keep your relationship. Keep your man, whatever it takes. What is it that he is going to look for outside? I will give him double at home. This is what men want. We brought them to the programme on how to sustain your marriage, and they told us verbatim. Forget about the food. It is the food in the bedroom that is more important. Maybe in the days of our mothers, you know they were traditionalists, they were not adventurous.

    How many children do you have?

    A girl and a boy.

    For the girl, what was it like when she was growing up, considering your busy schedule?

    The thing is learn to be a friend to your children and they will tell you anything and everything. If you earn their trust, if they have anything, they will come to you and say ‘Mummy, this is it.’ If they are having problems or if it is about how to get back their boy, what do you think? Why is he behaving like this? Speak to them as a friend. If they earn your trust, they tell you before they do anything and they seek your advice. Your advice will become very important to them. Without your advice they cannot do anything. They will have to run it by you, even thought the decision is still for them to be made.

  • ‘My husband killed our son to hurt me’

    A Chief Magistrate’s Court 3, in Port Harcourt, the Rivers State capital, has heard how a fight over a pot of soup made a man, Cosmos Itoro, kill his two-year-old son.

    Itoro, 27, was arraigned in the court presided over by Mrs. Felicia Amanze for allegedly hitting his little son with a plank and killing him.

    He told the court: “I came back from where I went to and came back hungry. I noticed that they had eaten; so, I asked my wife to dish some soup so I can eat.

    “She refused, complaining that the quantity of soup in the pot was small and would not be enough for the children in the afternoon. I pleaded to her to assist me that I was very hungry. When she bluntly refused, I went to the pot to dish the soup myself; she came after me.

    “Her mother and younger brother who came to the house that morning supported her. While I was struggling with the pot of soup with her, her brother came and hit me on my eye. In the pains I rushed for a piece of plank around the house to hit back at my in-law. I did not know that my son Miracle was around. The plank landed on his head; he slumped and fainted. Before we could get to the hospital, he had died.”

    Mrs. Dorothy Itoro told the court her husband deliberately killed their baby, alleging that he had earlier threatened to kill him to hurt her.

    She said: “My husband is very lazy. He does not want to do anything for a living. I am shouldering the responsibilities in the house alone; pay house rent and take care of our three children.

    “That morning, he went out and came back to complain of hunger, and requested to be served his food. I told him that the quantity of soup that was remaining was small and should be left for the children but he insisted and went to take the soup. I went to stop him. Then we began to struggle over the pot of soup. At a point, he left it to me and said he was going to kill Miracle to hurt me. He rushed after the plank and hit the boy, he slumped and later died.

    “My brother did not fight him; he was the person who was struggling with him over the pot of soup.”

  • How to heal after infidelity

    Surviving doesn’t always mean saving your marriage. Surviving can mean building a more honest marriage after the infidelity. Or, divorcing and leaving the marriage more aware and prepared for your next relationship.

    Your thinking during times of emotional stress is distorted. Be sure your reaction to your spouse’s infidelity is measured and sensible and not out of anger and pain.

    Infidelity is not the end of your world. It is the end of your world as you know it but there is life after infidelity and accepting that can play a major role in how well and how quickly you heal.

    If you engage in doomsday thinking, the idea that infidelity is the worst thing that could have happened you will continually live with the belief that he/she will do it again, that another marital disaster is right around the corner. The trick is to remember that as a result of the infidelity you have the opportunity to strengthen your marriage or move on to a new life as a stronger person.

    There are different paths to healing after infidelity. You may choose to work together as a couple and rebuild your marriage. You may decide, after much thought that it is in your best interest to leave the marriage. Whether you stay in the marriage or leave, your attitude toward what happened is the single most important predictor of how well you heal from the adversity.

    Bottom line, if you are negative, hostile and angry you will be in pain for a long time. If you are emotionally resilient, are able to accept that the infidelity is nothing more than a blip on your life path you will heal more quickly.

  • How to prevent infidelity

    Just because you’re married now does not mean you’re going to stop feeling attracted to other people – or jealous when your spouse’s eye wanders. The important thing is how you and your spouse handle your attractions and jealousyand what you do to prevent infidelity in your marriage.

    Although researchers have a hard time getting people to be honest about infidelity and extramarital affairs, studies have shown that about 25 percent of men and 10 to 15 percent of women report having had sex with someone other than their spouse, according to healthymarriageinfo.org. There have also been separate reports indicating that most infidelity – and divorce – happens before a couple’s seventh wedding anniversary. Whether that’s true or not is difficult to prove. What is certain is that infidelity is among the leading causes of divorce. And newlyweds should take the necessary steps to protect their marriage and prevent infidelity. Here is what you can do to affair-proof your marriage:

    Make your marriage your top priority

    Making your marriage your top priority means that your spouse comes before everyone else. Friends and family are important, too, but they should not interfere with your relationship. In other words, if your friend just split up with her boyfriend of two months and wants to hang out with you, but you had plans with your husband, you should tell your friend that you’ll have to talk at some other time. If you’ve spent the last week working late and spending more time with your colleagues at work than you have with your spouse, carve out some family time, shut off your cell phone and computer, and make the most of the moments, hour, day, whatever you could get for your love. Make decisions together and put the needs of your spouse and you above all others.

    Set boundaries

    Some people are naturally friendly and/or flirtatious, and this can get them into trouble when they marry. Certain behaviour might give others the wrong ideas about your relationship with them, which can cause awkward situations. The last thing a married person should want to do is send signals to others that he or she is available or interested in a romantic relationship. Become aware of your behaviour and change it. Keep working relationships professional, for example, by limiting conversations to work and small talk. Inappropriate behaviours like touching or revealing intimate details of your marriage or sex life should never happen with others, especially those at work. Those kinds of conversations should be reserved for your spouse. You risk stepping over the line when you start sharing intimate thoughts or personal feelings with someone who is not your spouse. Keep in mind that this is true also of strangers you meet on the Internet and not just colleagues or friends you know in your offline life. Your spouse should be the person with whom you share your personal life.

    Do not keep secrets from your spouse.

    Short of that surprise party you’re planning for your spouse, you should be able to tell him or her anything and everything. If you feel as though you have to lie about where you’ve been, who you’ve been with, or what you’ve been doing, then you know you have stepped over the line into betrayal.

     

  • Husband of ‘killer DPO’ defends wife

    The husband of the Divisional Police Officer of Ogida Police Station, Adams Afegbai, has said his wife, Carol, was not responsible for the killing of a final year student of the University of Benin (UNIBEN), Ibrahim Momodu.

    Momodu was killed on May 27 while returning home and was buried at the 3rd cemetery by the police.

    Public outcry led to the exhumation of the body and it was discovered that the late Momodu was shot thrice from the back against the DPO’s initial statement that he was shot in the legs.

    Mrs. Afegbai had said he died on the way to the hospital.

    Adams, a retired police officer, said his wife was going on rounds when she ran into the interrogation of Ibrahim by policemen.

    He appealed to the government and the police authorities to ensure that justice was done, since the case has been forwarded to the Director of Public Prosecution (DPP).

    He said what happened was a case of self-defence.

    “It is not true at all that my wife shot the boy. My wife was on visiting rounds of her men on duty.

    She was in her car when she saw her men interrogating the rider of an unregistered motorcycle.

    “There was another boy sitting behind. My wife noticed that boy was opening a bag.

    “He was loading a gun. When my wife sighted the gun, she shouted this boy is carrying a gun.

    “As she jumped out, a policeman shot at him. My wife did not shoot at anybody.

    “I will not comment on the action of the government but I know the police have taken the correct action although the action may have been very slow. Maybe they did not brief the governor on time, I will not know.”

     

  • His wife, their mother and their sweet Mrs Olayinka Oladunjoye

    His wife, their mother and their sweet Mrs Olayinka Oladunjoye

    Ask her father and he will be quick to answer you that he never once thought she would go into politics. She was the quiet type as a child. So, he ruled out the possibility of her embracing partisan politics.

    Her children too thought she was joking when she first told them she was going into politics.

    One of them, the late Mrs. Funmilayo Olayinka recalled in a 2007 interview, said: “ Mrs. O (that is what they call me when we are playing) are you really sure of what you are saying?”

    When she told her last child, Lolade, she rolled from the staircase down in reaction.

    She said: “My other child said it is impossible. One of them went further to remind me that there are no good roads in Ekiti, regular power supply, basic infrastructure and the taps don’t run always. But I told her it is so in Lagos too. My last child looked at my husband and said, ‘daddy, your wife said she is going into politics.’ My husband told her that there was no problem since we have prayed and discussed it. He further enjoined them to pray and encourage me. My children laughed when they saw my pictures and that of Dr. Fayemi on the internet and I educated them that one of the best things they can do is to serve their community. My husband was initially bothered and he reminded me that he has always supported me in all I do and he reassured me then that he would always support me.”

    So, Yeside, the first daughter, Olamide, the second, Lolade and their father, Lanre, the Abeokuta-born architect, stood by their mother all through the political and health struggles that followed her foray into politics.

    Despite her tight schedule, she played the balancing role.

    She said of how she was able to balance her home and her political engagements: “ I believe as a woman we are naturally balancers. We can do lots of things at the same time. Whenever I am in Lagos, I make sure I visit my daughter in school. As for my husband, he often goes around with me when duty permits him because he has to also attend to his business in Lagos. When I am not here most times I do the cooking before I travel, and I preserve it in the refrigerator so that whenever he wants to eat, he warms it. I must also note here that my husband is a very good cook and he loves cooking a lot. When he is not there with me, he is here to earn a living for all of us.”

    She dated him for eight years and they were married for over two decades.

    They were just like siblings. They met in the United States, fell in love and Lanre was not reluctant to dump his Muslim background when her parents insisted on it.

    She said: “I grew up in a very strict Christian home; my father will have nothing to do with the other religions. Then you dare not have a friend from another religion. When my father knew that I was dating a Muslim, he was against it; it took us so long before my father gave us his consent. My husband agreed to all the terms my parents laid down; he accepted to become a Christian. He told them that all he wanted was me and that he can go to any length because of that. We met in America not wearing religion on his forehead; he is from a Muslim background and attended Christian school; maybe that partially influenced him to become a Christian. For me, it wasn’t an issue. This may be because we were abroad, if we were both at home, people might have discouraged us from day one. Before we got married, it was a very big family issue. People were appealing to my father. When everything seemed not working, I stepped in and things worked out fine. His relatives are not fanatical, they went with us to church and they performed all the normal Christian wedding rites with us. It was a big deal but we were able to cope. My husband at the initial marital stage would stay at home while the kids and I will go to church, he was neither a Christian nor a Muslim but eventually one thing led to another and he met with the Lord through his friends. He is more Christian than most of us who were born Christian and he now believes that Christianity is the best way of life.”

    Even in the heat of her illness, the late Mrs. Olayinka still tried to be a mother to her three daughters. In December 2011, she brought them home from the U.S. for holidays and took them to see the Calabar Carnival. Last December too, she brought them home and also took them to Dubai for holidays.

    Now, the woman they fondly called Mrs. O is no more to take them on such trips. Her husband too will have to live with the reality that his wife of over two decades, who cooked sumptuous meals for him and stood by him, has gone to the great beyond.

    Perhaps the memories of the good times they had and the tighter bond they developed since her battle with cancer began in 2009 will be useful here.

     

  • Expectant woman ‘burns husband to death’

    The Lagos State Police Command has arrested a pregnant woman, Esther Peters, for allegedly setting her husband, Anayo Kenneth Peters, ablaze.

    It was learnt that the incident occurred at their residence at Ijedemo Village, Isheri Osun, a Lagos suburb.

    Police sources said the woman allegedly had a fight with her late husband on Monday night and when the deceased went to bed, she set him ablaze.

    The Nation gathered that officers from Isheri Police Station responded to a distress call and intercepted the pregnant woman while trying to escape.

    The suspect denied setting her husband ablaze but neighbours insisted she was always fighting with her late husband before the sad incident happened.

    Deputy Police spokesman, Mr. Damasus Ozoani, confirmed that she had been arrested while the husband’s body has also been deposited in the mortuary, pending the conclusion of police investigations.

    Ozoani said, “The police at Isheri Osun got a report that a woman at Ijedemo Village had set her husband ablaze. When our men got there, they saw the woman trying to escape. They saw the man burnt to death.

    “Immediately, the police arrested the woman and took the body of the man to Yaba General Hospital. The woman alleged that it was the candle light they left in the house that sent the man to an early grave, but neighbours said the man had a quarrel with the wife a day before the incident. We are investigating the matter. The woman will be transferred to the State Criminal Investigation Department (SCID), Panti, Yaba for discrete investigation.”

  • ‘I saw Boko Haram kill my husband, snatch my kids’

    ‘I saw Boko Haram kill my husband, snatch my kids’

    IT was a heart-rending session yesterday in Abuja.

    Many were in tears as victims of the Boko Haram sect relived how their loved ones were killed, leaving them with shattered lives.

    It was at an event where funds were raised to support survivors of the fundamentalists’ bloodletting.

    In a shaky and emotional voice, Mrs Deborah Shettima from Borno State recounted how Boko Haram insurgents killed her husband in her presence, snatched away her two children and returned a few days later to kill her only surviving child. All she has left are photographs of her loved ones, which she displayed.

    Pastor Serana Chinda of the All Saints Protestant Church, Hauran Wanki, Barracks in Kano spoke of how 17 members of his congregation were killed for refusing to divorce Jesus Christ.

    Former Minister of Education Dr. Oby Ezekwesili and others wept as the victims told their chilling stories – at a joint news conference by the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) and the Christian Association of Nigeria-Americans (CANAN).

    The President of CANAN, Dr. James Fadele, its Executive Director, Laolu Akande and CAN Secretary General Dr. Musa Asaki addressed the conference where N8million ($50,000) was donated to the relief fund set up by CAN for the victims of Boko Haram attacks.

    Mrs. Shetima (45), who lost her husband and three children, said: “On April 25, 2012, after work, I went home and discovered that everywhere was quiet. I met my husband sitting on a table. He was preparing to preach to the children at a prayer meeting. He asked me to get him water to bathe. So, I went outside and saw a tricycle approaching with five persons inside it. Four of them came down and went into our house. I started running but one of them blocked me while another said they should allow me in and asked me to lie down.

    “When I got in, my husband was praying and I heard him say, ‘Lord, today I’m going to visit you. I ask you to please receive my spirit. One of them said, ‘have you finished praying and you think your prayer is going to save you?’ And after that, I heard four shots of gun. I said, ‘I will be the next target and started praying, Lord they are finished with my husband, here I am, receive my spirit, but they opened the door. When my two daughters, nine and seven years old, heard me, they started crying, saying ‘they have killed our father, they will soon kill our mother and as they were crying, they reached out to them and took them away. Up till now, I have not seen them. They have not been declared dead or been seen. One of assailants hit my eye with the gun. I cannot see with the eye.

    “After three months, while marking the death of Yusuf Mohammed, their leader, they returned to my house and killed my last son. Someone came and told me to leave the house.”

    A young man held his own photograph, taken when Boko Haram assailants attempted to cut his throats. There is a gory gashes on his neck. He survived miraculously.

    Mrs. Ezekwesili, in tears, said Nigeria does not place value on human lives.

    She said: “Whatever happens to one of us happens to every one of us. So, if we have become a nation that does not put value to human lives, then we really are in a bad place. Listening to these women particularly and seeing what these women have to carry alone, you almost feel a sense of abandonment for them.

    “We must get ourselves back to a drawing table and figure what we really are; what are we and what we have become as a people and as a nation. Is it right that a mother would watch her husband killed and her two children taken away and does not know where they are up till now and nobody is concerned about it? Three months after, they came and killed her son. I know a nation where this thing happened before. It’s called Rwanda and it didn’t end well.”

    Akande urged President Goodluck Jonathan to become aggressive in fighting the Boko Haram sect.

    He said: “I think government itself has expressed hopelessness, including President Jonathan who has said on several occasions that this problem is big. We believe that Nigerian government cannot handle this problem anymore. There are instances of lack of political will on the part of the Federal Government. The cases of some supporters of Boko Haram like those senators who have been accused should be pursued.

    “Government can become more aggressive in going after members of Boko Haram and those supporting this sect. Government is not proactive. It must seek support from other countries, like the United States, to deal with Boko Haram. This is an international problem. I wish government could do more in protecting the lives of Nigerians. Some of the cases are not even reported. How can somebody be going to another person’s house to kill. If government cannot provide law and order it then becomes worrisome.”

    Fadele urged Nigerians and people of goodwill to “rise up and come to the financial and material aid of the victims of Boko Haram attacks in northern Nigeria”.

    According to him, Nigerian Christians in America have taken notice of the impact of the actions of Boko Haram. “We are concerned about the widows and are touched by the plight of the orphans. We reckon that many of these individuals are left without a source of livelihood.”

    He said: “We have heard that CAN is setting up a Relief Fund where Nigerians can donate money and relief materials to support the victims. For instance, victims’ children can benefit from scholarships taken out from such a fund. Towards such fund, CANAN is making an initial widow’s mite contribution of $50,000.

    “If backers of terrorists are raising the money to perpetrate acts of terror, supporters of and advocates for peace can no longer look the other way. We want to join with CAN today to call on Nigerian philanthropists, businesses, and captains of industry, well-to-do individuals and all people of goodwill to consider the financial plight of Boko Haram victims and lend a helping hand.

    “CANAN does not conceive itself as a political group. We are an advocate for innocent and helpless people being slaughtered in their places of worship. Christians are being killed, churches are being attacked and destroyed, health workers and doctors are being assassinated, markets are being ravaged, police precincts are being vanquished, and neighbourhoods are being tormented. This wickedness must stop. We commend the bold leadership of CAN for speaking up in a categorical, courageous and consistent manner on the Boko Haram issue.”