EX- NTA girl Rose Peter-Graham speaks on her first pregnancy
Wow! It all started like a joke, then days rolled into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. My column, the once famous ‘For Sisters Only’, is back. Oh, how I so missed my readers together with whom we shared our personal lives, thoughts, fears and all shades of emotions… pain, joy and the likes. I sincerely apologise for my unavoidable absence.It feels good to be back. Many thanks to God.
Daughters of Mother Nature ( I stole the axiom from my friend, Rose Peters-Graham), life is a stage. There comes a time in life when we are ripe to be plucked from the beautiful garden of mother earth. Sometimes though, our parents prepare us ahead for that time, but truthfully you are the first to know. How? That moment when you begin to spend more time in front of the mirror; when you are conscious of what you wear, how you wear it and all that…and then ‘boom’, you are there waiting for your knight in shining armour to come sweep you off your feet. And then ‘they come’. Oh yeah, ‘they’ because not one, not two, not three will come to ask for your hand in marriage. A few sincere ones and a truck load of ‘Mr. Wrong’ will be knocking at your door. That is something we can’t wish away, as much as we would have preferred that God should just drop that ‘Mr. Right’ before us, so that we don’t have to cross a few rivers before we arrive at our desired place. So, the confusion starts. This takes us to what I want to share with you today.
I still don’t know if there is anything more delightful to every girl than being ‘Mrs. Somebody’ when the time is right. Oh, no matter how many times we are told those words, ‘marriage is not easy’, it doesn’t deter us from desiring to share our life with that one person we so much love. That we are built to love and be loved, is not just a saying, it’s a fact we all know by now. For some, the road to being ‘Mrs. Somebody’ can be seemingly smooth, for others, it can be seemingly bumpy. For some, it sometimes starts off being bumpy and ends smoothly, and for others, it could start off smoothly and end up bumpy. I can hear someone say, “it’s not my portion”. I join in saying Amen to that!
Why am I even saying all these? The night before I wrote this piece, my friend, Rose Peter Graham, who finally left the single girls’ league sometime last year and who was recently delivered of a baby boy in the United Kingdom, called and shared her experience about pregnancy with me. It was indeed thoughtful of Rose to have spared a thought for those sisters who not by their making become victims of violent rape, get pregnant in the process and have to go through their pregnancy without someone being there for them.
Her words: “Having life grow inside of you is one of the most beautiful experiences in the world! And I thank the Almighty God for the grace of the opportunity! I wouldn’t say it was a stress- free pregnancy, because from time to time, I cried out from one pain or the other, mostly in my hands, waist and legs. Each time I let out a shrill cry, my husband would suddenly jump up, rush to my side and attend to the pain. He helped in massaging, sometimes with hot water, ointments and soothing words…I always felt better afterwards.
But my thoughts never stopped going to the women who are pregnant, but for one unfortunate reason or the other, their men are not by their sides for the very comfort of emotional support during this dire and blissful moment. What about those who became pregnant from violent rape? Women in war torn zones? …what about those heavily pregnant women who are battered by their husbands or partners? I just want to let you know that, there are people who feel your pains. This little piece is dedicated to you!”
Instead of experiencing the joy of carrying a life within them, they are traumatised. The God- given opportunity to procreate becomes the darkest days of their lives. We really need to spare a thought for one another sometimes. It is called sisterhood. Sparing a thought for victims can actually go a long way to help them to heal fast. How? What they feel at that moment is psychological, and so the process to heal is psychological and that comes with knowing someone feels their pain. The same thing goes for someone who is lucky to have their partner go through pregnancy with them. All that tendering to her pain and the attendant ‘feels better’ experience is a psychological thing. Her husband’s touch is not a pain killer but it goes a long way to soothe the pain.
Typical of me, I thought deeply about another kind of victims, the ones I call victims of love. Rape or death of a partner is an unforeseen circumstance; but the choice of a spouse is entirely your decision, not undermining God’s factor.
Rose brought back not too distant memory of how I watched my best friend, Gloria, go through her pregnancy without the slightest empathy from her man. That is what I call cruelty to womanhood. Unlike Rose whose husband jumped and rushed to her side to attend to the pain, Gloria cried so many nights. Even if I had massaged her with ointment and hot water, I doubt if she would have felt better afterwards because the circumstance here was different. He wasn’t dead but not alive to his responsibility. Suffice to say that love is meant to be shared by two people of opposite sex. Well, I didn’t let that discourage me from playing my part. My impact was mostly felt in the area of encouraging her to be strong for herself and her unborn baby because at the end of the day, a man is meant to complement you and not complete you.
She garnered a lot of strength from my words. The day she was delivered of her baby boy, we were overjoyed but Dayo was missing on this special and most remarkable day of Gloria’s life. Surprisingly, while we were making arrangement to leave the hospital, she sent him a text to inform him of their bundle of joy. I couldn’t hide my anger. To me, what does it matter now? But little did I know it was the beginning of a new phase in her life. The baby came and surprisingly, he showed up with his parents who also didn’t care about her condition. But guess what? They had a big party in their family house, invited family members and friends because they were well to do.
After the naming ceremony, she became a regular visitor in Dayo’s house. I kept wondering what had changed? Dayo became a regular figure in Gloria’s house too. Wow! Shouldn’t I be happy for her? Yes, but I had my fears. Remember the popular saying ‘once beaten twice shy’. To me, he just couldn’t be trusted. But each passing day, they drew closer to each other. In fact, his fondness for their son, David, was enviable. He didn’t apologise for abandoning her when she needed him the most, but my dear Gloria is happy again. Her joy knows no bound. Hmm! To crown her joy, Dayo popped the question “will you marry me?” But unlike yours truly who has been enjoying the attention from Dayo, she told him to give her time to think.
Don’t think I have a hand in this because I don’t. I had come to terms with her present state and I’ve decided to stick with my friend in whatever makes her happy. So when she told me she didn’t accept his proposal I was confused. I have also come to like them together. But what worries me still is the fact that he has never, I mean never, apologised for his wrong doing. And I honestly, have a problem with that. And I think that’s why Gloria is turning down his marriage proposal. And of course I’m with her in whatever she decides to do. But this isn’t about me and I cannot trust my judgment because I’m still pissed off with Dayo for what he did to my friend when she was pregnant and more so he didn’t apologise. Just who does he think he is?
I would honestly like to know what you readers think. These, to me, are the issues here: Do you think Gloria should accept Dayo’s proposal? Is it right for him not to apologise for his wrong doing? What are the conditions for which she should accept his proposal?
Back to Rose who inspired me to help Gloria enquire what she needs to do. We spoke at length a couple days ago, like I said. I didn’t believe it myself; it was past 2am when Rose and I surrendered to nature’s call. That actually used to be our style when she was a spinster. We would chat till the early hours of the day and I wouldn’t get enough sleep before rushing off to work.
