The Nation Newspaper

Tag: love

  • Please help I’m in love

    Hi Adeola, my name is Caleb am from Kaduna State but I am working in Cross Rivers. I want you to help me. I am in love with a girl in Calabar and I want her to be my wife but her church doctrine is not making it work and she is complaining that I am from the North. Please help me; what do I do? I love her so much I can’t stand losing her; she is a Jehovah’s witness.

    Dear Caleb, a lot of people know that Jehovah witnesses do not marry outsiders just as they are not allowed to attend another church. I clicked the internet and got this for you:

    It is an offense if caught. Marriage is for life. The only solution for remarriage is that of adultery or death of a spouse. Here is some scriptural facts as follows:

    1Cor. 7: 39—Marry only in the Lord: This means that a baptized servant of Jehovah should marry a fellow worshiper. They study God’s Word and do family study together. This strengthens the marriage and makes it easy to manage family problems. There is no compatibility if a Witness marries an unbeliever, be they church goers, Muslims, and idol worshipers. Because the two have antipodal or opposing beliefs and ways of life.

    Gal. 6:4,5 – Each one will carry his own load: We should not compare ourselves with the other person. Each one’s circumstances differs. We should think before making decisions. Because our decisions can have beneficial or adverse results. And they may be irreversible. Whatever decision we make, we should be ready to live with it whether for good or bad.

    Gal. 6:7—We reap what we sow: Some Witnesses have disobeyed Jehovah’s laws and are reaping the sad results. With regard to marriage, I know Witnesses who married outside the organization for different reasons but who experienced things shocking to relate in their marriage. It means that there is “punishment” for anyone who disobeys Jehovah’s laws.

  • Lessons from Boston; 2020 or 3030? Crisis of leadership, where is the love?

    Lessons from Boston; 2020 or 3030? Crisis of leadership, where is the love?

    kudos to American law enforcement and citizens’ response in the Boston bombings. Federal Nigerian budgetary authorities take note. Security costs big money in the budget and not security ‘votes’ that are stolen! Enough of police and political ‘security vote’ corruption. We have enough fingerprints from our repeated ID cards and voters’ cards, and mug shots from passports and SIM registration for a Nigerian National Police Database and you say there is unemployment. Who is afraid of being caught?

    Here we are struggling to become among the world’s leading economies by 3030. Ups, sorry. I meant to type‘2020’, but my computer chose ‘3030’. Certainly it seemed it will be 3030 to me, in darkness all weekend, my ‘generator finally dying’. It is unimaginable incompetence that 52 years after independence and ‘self-ownership’, with no colonialist to blame, we have merely 2,000 to 4,000Mw while aides, governors, ministers, politicians, contractors and civil servants take home stolen billions. Our current 2,000-4,000Mw in Nigeria is the power to a small western city. Abroad they talk in Terawatt which is 1,000Gigawatt. A Gigawatt which is 1,000Megawatt. A Megawatt which is 1,000Kilowatt. Every government in the last 40 years has failed in power. They also abandoned roads, water and education. It has taken 40 years to ‘consider’ a second Niger Bridge and 30 years to repair expressways. Schools still have no books! What is the level of incompetence – 80 or 100%? The Japanese love their people and replaced the Fukushima nuclear plant losses in three months using companies which provide urgent power through generator ships and large land generators connected to the local grid. We could have done this, years ago. Giant generators consume far less than the million+ generators in Nigeria from ‘I fine pass my neighbour’ to the 1,000KVa VIP giants powering the President, his men and women, NASS and country homes and governors, first ladies, assembly men and civil servants. If Nigeria had a people-loving leadership there would be 100,000Mw now. It is a multiple failure of power policy, commitment of professionalism, political will, competence and a power failure of love. Ultimately it is brain failure and malicious failure of responsibility. Mass transit, mass power supply are better than mono-transit like the lethal motorcycles and dangerous power sourced from belching generators and substitute power in 40 million Nigeria homes and hovels. No love!

    The economic losses in family, business and intellectual activities from political incompetence can be calculated by NISER and departments of Social Sciences. The sheer magnitude can only be realised if you, the reader, add up how many 25 litre kegs, filled to 30 litres, are used daily in your home, office, street, estate, office block, by government officials and NASS homes and offices, by your factories and those near you. Multiply that by 365 and then by N4000/keg to get the cost of government incompetence. Your tax pays for political home and office generator and you cannot even get a tax rebate for the losses you encounter paying for power substitution at home. Then add the cost of purchase and maintenance of every generator. Trillions! No Nigerian escapes paying.

    Imagine what you would have done annually, times 30 years, with that extra money in your family and office pocket! Add to that the cost of darkness and powerlessness. Your family cannot function optimally and does not read at night with resultant loss of academic potential. Many homes have been broken because the husband has proved ‘inadequate in the power supply area’ and unable to provide ‘one keg of fuel/day and four/weekend’ – a status symbol. You lose business. Business costs are too high. In fact the tax man has no right to take anything until he gives a ‘fuel allowance’ for your home and office- government officials get this free. The people making the money are the generator sellers and maintenance staff, the fuel billionaires and those bribed to keep power off the grid. Through government incompetence we have been unable to refine our fuel in our refineries. But here comes, yes of course and just in time, a brand new Dangote Refinery to the ‘rescue’ us, just as he ‘rescued’ the falling price of flour, sugar and cement, abi? Na waya o! Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease. Do we want power and fuel rescue again by Dangote billions? Do we pay another heavy price for the Dangote touch?

    No other leadership in Africa, at war with itself or neighbours, and with such large resources as we have in Nigeria will allow its peoples to suffer so much from the lack of supply of the third element of civilisation –electric power- third only to air and water. Water has gone and the air may be threatened. Can we have a leader who is willing to surgically excise political profligacy and introduce part-time legislation houses? The surgeon has to operate on a family member to save the nation.

    Under the burden of a blighted leadership and its ‘CINS: Corruption, Incompetence, Neglect and Selfishness’ a generation of Nigerians has been led badly and has missed out on Nigeria being great. Will Nigeria disintegrate? Amalgamation celebrations and ‘De-amalgamation’ debates loom. The gum cannot be forced to work. It is love that will bind us, nothing more, nothing less. Bombs and political bombast will disintegrate us. No matter how evil you are, do some good or Nigeria will be destroyed and die!

  • Bound by love

    Bound by love

    Where there is love, there is no barrier. This altruism rings true for Abisoye Ogunnusi and her beau, Lanre Balogun, who got married in Lagos Last Saturday. Their different religion did not stop them from taking a vow to love, hold and cherish each other for life.

    They tied the nuptial knot at the St Agnes Catholic Church, Maryland, Lagos.

    Two days earlier, the engagement was held at Oregun, Lagos. Peach and blue were the colours of the day. Guests got a foretaste of what to come on the D-day at the event.

    Last Saturday, St Agnes Maryland brimmed with activities. The church was festooned with colourful balloons and fabrics.

    Many Muslims, who attended the church ceremony, joined in the celebration of the Eucharistic mass. It was a show of emotion that depicted the love they have for the couple.

    The couple occupied the front pew of the church. The clean-shaven groom was clad in a black suit, white shirt and a golden tie. His bride was full of smiles. She wore a V-neck simple wedding gown.

    The girls in the bridal train wore long fitted dinner gowns like the bride. The grooms’ men wore blue fitted suits and red ties with roses to complement their look.

    Having taken the Gospel reading from John 17:20-23, the officiating minister, Rev Fr Clement Abiodun, who came from Cote’d Ivoire, urged the couple to profess undying love for each other.

    The cleric ended his sermon by leading guests to sing the hit song of the late music diva, Whitney Houston – I Will Always Love You.

    The couple, accompanied by their parents and friends, danced to the altar during thanksgiving after their union was sealed and the marriage certificate signed.

    Soon after, members of the Christian Women Organisation (CWO) presented the bride with their wrapper uniform, automatically enlisting her as a member of the CWO in her parish. They also presented her with a candle, signifying that she will be a light in her home, community and nation; the rosary beads and Bible.

    Guests started relishing old school music on entering the Grandeur Events Place, Oregun, Lagos. The colour at the venue was red; red curtains and table overlays. Scented flowers were on the floor and a red rug lay from the entrance of the hall to the centre where the five-layer cake stood. It had red roses on top it. Different coloured disco lights illuminated and added glamour to the arena.

    Demola Olota and his band also turned out in the colour of the day. DJ Larry dished out music for the young ones. There was a cultural presentation by a group. Comedian Tee A anchored the ceremony.

    The bride, Abisoye, and her father, Hon Yomi Ogunnusi, stole the show with their dance steps. While her father swirled around the hall to the guests’ admiration, she did the Azonto dance steps with her beau that left many spellbound.

    Chairman of the Island Club, Prince Demola Dada, chaired the ocassion. He urged the couple to be tolerant of each other.

    In proposing the toast, Francis Edien recalled that the first time the couple met was at his wedding where Abisoye served Lanre food. He also told the guests how the groom, in the last five years, quit playing the Play Station games they were addicted to, so as to beat the daily 5pm traffic to see Abisoye.

    As guests clicked their glasses, the first song the couple listened to after they met, Tuface’s True Love, was played.

    In his vote of thanks, the groom thanked his mother-in-law, Mrs Emmanuella Ogunnusi for not discouraging her daughter from marrying him.

    He also presented his bride to his mother and thanked his elder sister for her motherly love.

    Since he didn’t get the chance to dance with his mother on the ocassion because she died 11 years ago, he danced with his mother-in-law and stepmother, Oluwatoyin. He wept while dancing.

    Mrs Ogunnusi said she would miss her daughter as she has been her best friend all these years.

    Lanre said of his bride: “Abisoye completes me and has made me the man I am today. I am the luckiest man to have her.”

    In attendance were the Chairman AIT/Raypower Chief Raymond Dokpesi; Speaker, Lagos State House of Assembly, Hon Adeyemi Ikuforiji; Hon Abike-Dabiri-Erewa; Senator Olorunnimbe Mamora; renowned essayist Prof Adebayo Williams; Chairman of the Advertising Practitioners Council of Nigeria (APCON) and CEO of Prima Garnet, Mr Lolu Akinwunmi, and other members of the House of Assembly.

     

  • The flipside of love

    I thought deeply about it and concluded that everything the human race seeks to achieve with love is after all vanity. I believe love is a curse that runs through all human generation without discrimination. Love is truly a curse.

    In the scripture, 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 says: “Love suffers long, and is kind; love envies not; love vaunts not itself, is not puffed up. It does not behave itself unseemly, seeks not her own, is not easily provoked, it thinks no evil; it rejoices not in iniquity, but in the truth; it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all thing, endures all thing.”

    The above-quoted expression from the Holy Writ is pleasant to the ear but it will be hypocritical to think about love in that sense when it comes to relationship. Readers should not be in haste to judge my piece by first paragraph; let me state here, that I am not against love but averse to its application.

    Love, as typified in the Biblical passage aforementioned, is seen as a virtue. But, today, it is a vicious weapon in the hands of the inexperienced, overzealous and unscrupulous.

    I am forced to wonder why everybody must fall in love. Even celibates cannot pretend that they do not have the thought. Love, as virtuous as it seems, is not the exclusive preserve of the wise, humble and good but a shared heritage with the fools, arrogant and wicked. Love is a raging disease – an incurable pandemic. How more can I describe it? An evil spirit that cannot be exorcised.

    Love has conveyed irrationality rather than reason; it promotes divorce rather than marriage; it encourages homosexuality and other forms of immorality; it has watered the flower of deceit, distrust and violence.

    That which has been commanded by God is now being fully utilised by the devil and its impish agents.

    If love is not irrational, how did words such as infatuation, incest, Oedipus complex, lesbianism, heartbreak, divorce, gay marriage, obsession, promiscuity, bestiality and suchlike come into existence?

    Many say love is blind. What a delusional expression! Love personified is never blind. If we take love as a human being, then the term “blind” is hypothetical to describe her state. Love only shuts her eyes so as to overlook certain mishaps but to address them at a later time where no fault is spared. If love is truly blind, what miracle restored her sight? Aaron Neville is certainly right when he says: “Everybody plays the fool when it comes to the game of love.”

    “Money cannot buy love” is popular expression commonly say by people. Nowadays, money dictates the footpath of this helpless love, which people in which people entangle themselves. This means that love will soon be a monopoly of the wealthy class. What an imbalance of life!

    If a damsel is falling head over heels for a guy and tells him she wants to spend the rest of her life with him, one will not be wrong to say she is a victim of inexperience and her words are mere products of immaturity. Wishes are not horses. If she suffers heartbreak, then she will fully understand that love hurts.

    Still in my wonders, I try to figure out why some will advertise in the media that they are seeking for a relationship or spouse. They will even specify their choice. Does it mean that they are obsessed with strangers? Or maybe they look inferior to those they see around? Is it that they prefer love created virtually than the real? Love seems dynamic and incomprehensible. But I consider that most people are just seeking for adventure. Really, the menace that emanates from love will not be easily resolved through it.

    If anybody feels I am not making a point here, let us ask a guy that keeps over 50 girlfriends, a lady that people called aristo and let us ask guys or girls, who do not want to fall in love again. Maybe we will understand that love devours victims every second. Should I blame a friend who told me she would only believe that she is in love on the day she gives birth to her first child?

    I wonder why one should fall in love when it really hurts. Through love, women no more see dignity in virginity but those who keep theirs are scorned and mock as inexperienced. Do not mistaken my message, love is good and I have nothing against it. I am only irritated the way people treat themselves in the name of love.

    Love is no more used to the benefit of others. Love has been abused. Why? This is because everybody falls in love. It grips the heart and controls the emotions. It comes naturally without requesting for it.

    But when unscrupulous ones insult and usurp it, one is forced to think that he is being cursed by such affection. Never mind! Never relinquish. Continue searching and keep on searching until you find true love. Let your brain, and not your heart do the work. True love takes time. It demands courage, perseverance, maturity and experience. True love can be worked out. Just take your time.

    I believe in love. I want to be loved. I am in love. My love is beyond the ordinary. It is divine. Even if love is a curse, I key myself into her blessings. There is nothing like it. I mean there is nothing like love.

  • Trends to love

    Trends to love

    •Hot pink accessories

    Pink fashion accessories are great to brighten up any look. If your outfits feel boring, a bright coloured pink accessory will perk it up!

     

    •Distinct black and white

    Not your typical colours, but this trend is easy enough for the everyday fashionistas to pull off.

     

    •Low heels and ballet (flat) shoes

    Wearing flats and low heels are in! No need to squeeze your feet into high heels and feel uncomfortable all day.

     

    •Short suits

    Ladies, put your skirts away and pull out your shorts. Turns out this look was on dozens of runways and is the perfect blend of masculine and holy hotness. I love this because you can mix and match what your already have in your closet.

     

    •Bold stripes

    Stripes never go out of style.

  • I am madly in love with a guy I hardly speak with

    Please if truly this is Adeola Agoro, please help me out. I am madly in love with a guy I hardly speak with. We hardly greet each other and I am in love with him.

    Please what can I do?

    Many women have difficulty showing a man that they are interested. They are afraid that they may act wrong and send the wrong signal to him. When batting your eyes at him has stopped working, it’s time to try a different method. The big questions is: How do you show a guy you’re interested in him? Are your actions sending out confusing signals that are sending him away? Do you know what the right way is to show him your interest?

    Here are some great tips on how to show a man your interested in him.

    Steps

    1. Smile every time he looks your way. Flash him an inviting glance. Eye contact is great. Or, depending on the guy, it may be more effective to blush and roll your eyes. This generally works for shy guys. Don’t stare at him too long or you might freak him out.

    2. Call him and ask about the homework when you really just want him to talk to you but don’t do it constantly.

    3. Practice your gaze in the mirror. This way, you can perfect a confident, positive look of interest. Rehearsing also helps you avoid lovey-dovey doe eyes. Hold eye contact with your reflection for a full minute if you can. This will get you comfy keeping your eyes on your crush when the two of you finally chat. Don’t stare, glaze over or forget to blink!

    4. Be way casual. Don’t fix your eyes on the guy from a distance like a tiger hunting down dinner. Pretend you just noticed him right before you reach him, then catch his gaze and flash a smile as you pass. Check out his reaction: Does he hold your gaze and smile back? If so, good. Repeat this process a couple of times, until one of you is bold enough to strike up a conversation. Try practicing what you are going to say before you confront him; that way there won’t be any awkward silences. Note: shy guys (this will usually be you). Shy guys will very seldom make the first move.

    5. If you are talking to him, looking down and smiling so that he sees your smile, let him know you enjoy talking to him. Even better, a little later state: “I really like spending time with you” Look for signs to see if he likes you too. If he does, wait for him to make the big move, but try to strike up a conversation. Get him used to the idea of having you around. Make him comfortable around you. If things sway a little off course, crack a joke or end the conversation. NEVER try to play hard to get: some guys won’t understand that you are playing, and will think that you’re not interested.

    6. Strike up conversations when the timing’s right. Tune in carefully to what your crush has to say. Guys love girls who listen well—it makes them feel interesting, which in turn makes them feel good about themselves, which in turn makes them feel good about you for making them feel good about themselves! Got it? Cool. Compliment the listening with a compliment. While he’s telling you about that giant trout he caught at the lake last summer, take in all the details, and then say, “Whoa! You must be a really amazing fisherman! I’ve never had a chance to go fishing myself, but I’ve always wanted to try it.” Bingo! He’ll start talking a mile a minute—he’s gonna want to teach you everything! Next thing you know, you’ll be out on a lake in a canoe with your cutie.

    7. Express appreciation for qualities that he happens to possess and interests that he happens to have (and mean it!). Be careful, though: Don’t act even remotely stalkerish. For example, never attend his games by yourself—it’ll look weird. Just go with your crew, have a great time and, afterward, very casually pass him by—once—smile, and say, “Hey, that no-look pass you made was impressive!” A genuine pat on the back for a job well done scores major points.

    8. Flirt. Whether it’s laughing at his jokes, teasing him gently, or touching his arm, a little bit of playfulness never hurts.

    9. Invite him out. It doesn’t have to be as straightforward as asking him out on a one-on-one date. If you’re going to the movies with a group, for example, ask him to come along. Use group activities to your advantage. In addition to bowling nights and mall trips, suggest your group throw a bash for your bud who has a birthday coming up. You be in charge of the invite list, and make sure his invitation is the first one to fly into the mailbox. Better yet, ask him and a bunch of other guys to help you and the girls pull this party off. A day of painting “Happy Birthday” murals and stringing up streamers can be bonding in a big way. Be sure to give him props for his excellent ideas.

    10. Find out if he has a special someone already. You can beat around the bush a little:

    * What’d you do last night?

    * Do you hang out with different people, or do you pretty much stick with the same crowd?

    * Who do you usually end up spending the most time with?

    11. Avoid doing all of the above with other guys.

    12. Leave it be. Once you think you’ve got your message across, don’t push it any further, but don’t back off, either. The ball is in his court now.

    13. Test his reaction to the idea of you and him. Don’t come right out with it and blurt out, “I LOVE YOU!” Do it subtly. A good suggestion would be to say, “I had this weird dream last night where you and I were a couple.” If he laughs or looks weirded out, laugh along and say, “Yeah, I know!” If he blushes or smiles, say something like, “But would that seem too weird?” If he truly likes you, he should reply with something along the lines of, “I don’t think so.” This is a good sign. (NOTE:He may just laugh along because he thinks you don’t like him.)

    14. Try and joke a lot with him. This is very good. If you catch him staring at you in a joking way, stare back.

    15. Be yourself. If he doesn’t like you for yourself, he doesn’t like you, but don’t worry, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

    16. Remember to have your own life. Try not to get super clingy; some guys might like that, but it might be for all the wrong reasons.

  • Val’s Day of love in schools

    Schools ‘painted Lagos red’, the colour of love, during Valentine’s Day last Thursday.  MEDINAT KANABE and SAMPSON UNAMKA report on its growing significance.

     

    Valentine’s Day has been added to the list of special days that primary and secondary schools now celebrate. Years ago, schools only celebrated Christmas, end-of-year party, graduation, children’s Day, Independence Day among other as public holidays.

    Though February 14 is not a public holiday, more and more private schools are increasingly celebrating the day set aside to celebrate love with a lot of fanfare.

    Investigations by The Nation revealed that some schools encourage pupils to exchange gifts, organise picnics or hold parties for part or the whole of the school day. Many also impose red and white dress code on pupils.

    Getting the pupils ready for last week’s Valentine’s Day programme was hectic for some parents. One woman was seen combing shops in Isolo in search of an appropriate outfit for her ward. Another mother residing in Ogba, said she had to go shopping for the gift her son had to give his partner.

    “He came disturbing us that he had to get a gift for his school valentine partner. I went searching the shops for an appropriate gift and finally got a beautiful water bottle which I wrapped for him to take to school. He got a singlet as his own gift,” she said.

    While some parents fretted about opening their wards’ backpack to find notes about Valentine dress code or gift, others were happy that it is that time again when they celebrate.

    At Lilly white nursery and primary school, celebrating Valentine’s Day this year was specifically for grandparents, while at Grace Schools, Gbagada, eatery outfit, KFC treated the pupils to chicken, chips and drinks.

    Proprietress of Lillywhite School, Ilupeju, Mrs Olanrewaju Osibanjo, said celebrating Valentine’s Day teaches the pupils the essence of caring for others.

    However, not all schools celebrated Valentine’s Day formally. Mrs N.f. Uzoaga, Headmistress of the University of Lagos Staff School said her school did not celebrate specially but they taught pupils about love.

    “Celebrating Valentine’s Day as far as I am concerned is relatively new. You see people say it is a day to show love and appreciation to their loved ones. Then I am like do you really have to show love on a particular day? What happens after that day and what happens every other day? If valentine means love we have to practice it and show it every day; it shouldn’t have any barrier; it should cut across to the needy, the poor and the widows. That’s the true valentine I know. We teach our pupils to love themselves and not to fight one another, and we also teach them not to go about picking other peoples’ things because that doesn’t show love,” she said.

    Many public schools do not celebrate Valentine’s Day. Vice-Principal of Oke-Afa Junior Secondary School (name withheld) said normal activities are held because the state government does not recognise the celebration

    “Our governor doesn’t believe in this sort of thing so we are not allowed to celebrate it in the school. We must continue with our regular activities. It is not officially in our curriculum so we cannot celebrate it. Although it is good to show love and share gifts with people, I still believe it is a personal thing. The way we celebrate it now is not even the right way,” he said.

    However, Principal of the Senior School, who does not want to be named said celebrating it could be useful.

    “They don’t have to put on red and white to school to celebrate, they can share gifts among themselves if they want to. Valentine is not a bad thing and I am not against it if it can unify us as people or increase the love between family members,” he said.

    On their parts, the pupils for whom the schools mount these programmes, seem to be getting the message of love.

    Ten-year old Tomilola Olowu, a JSS 1 pupil, said Valentine’s Day is a day to show love and appreciate her mother and others for what they have done for her.

    Omotoyosi Onanuga, 11-year old JSS 2 pupil said it is a day to show love to those who are needy, friends, motherless and even enemies. “I have learnt to show love and that it doesn’t cost anything to do so. My mummy said she will buy a new bag and shoe for me.”

    Ajayi Emmanuel, a JSS 1, 12 yrs old pupil said: “it is a day to show love and exchange gifts. It is a happy day. My parents bought a video game for me.

    For undergraduates, however, celebrating Valentine’s Day depend on whether there was a relationship, money or time to do so.

    Ifeanyi Okoli, a 100-Level Philosophy student said: “I am not a valentine freak but I think valentine is a day to show love to people and everything but you know some people get the wrong impression about valentine, they think it’s a day to have fun and have sex and do a lot of vulgar things.”

    Anifowose Opeoluwa, an education student said his exams were more important than Valentine.

    “Valentine to me is like if you have a girl you like, you can use that day to show her love, take her out so she will know that you have feeling for her. As for me my exams are near and I have actually left all of that,” he said.

     

     

     

  • What do I do to make him know I love him?

    I’m 19 years old, I am in love with someone but he does not know that I love him. I’ve tried to forget about him but I can’t, please help me; tell me what to do to make him know I love him. Thanks. Hussaina.

    Dear Hussaina, in as much as I don’t have much fears about people of your age falling in love, I like letting them know that 18 to 20 are still vulnerable ages when men can work on your innocence and take you for granted.

    Talking about a girl coming out to tell a guy who hasn’t noticed her that she’s in love with him could spell trouble if the guy is not matured enough. It might be interpreted to mean free invitation to sex. It might be interpreted to mean desperation and it could be used against her. So before walking up to a guy to say you like him, be very sure he’s exposed and matured and has good friends who won’t tell him to use the opportunity as an awoof to devour easily.

  • If love is a many-splendoured thing, just how many splendours can it have?

    There is something definitely in the air; all you need do is to take a sniff. Well, first you’ll breathe in a mouthful of dust, but that’s just the leftover of the harmattan season. To get rid of that, simply imagine yourself all kitted out – suit, shoes, jeep and all – drawing up in front of the seat of government in the capital territory. A very foul odour might rudely accost the very delicate hairs in your nostrils but don’t panic, its only the government doing its talk, talk, talk as usual. It is shouting to Nigerians that it wants to celebrate the centenary of Nigeria’s amalgamation. Ha! As if there’s anything to celebrate there, but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, because the government is shouting so much, the air is a little frothy. Again, don’t panic and keep sniffing. Behind all the dusts, odours and noxious gasses of political ill-talk, you can sniff the February perfumed gas of love. It is Valentine time again.

    I was privileged to read Elizabeth Browning’s poem in which she tried to count the many ways she could love her husband. I don’t quite think she succeeded, but the fact that she tried is a surprise to me. But then, I am no poet, just a simple country lass who marvels at the way the grasses gently bow their lovely heads to the softly passing breeze. Ah! Poetry is hard.

    Anyway, as I was saying, I had no idea one could count love or the ways of loving. I know I can count the gifts I get from people who hopefully have given out of the love of their hearts. I can also count the different motives for the gifts. For instance, when someone suddenly ups and gives you a car for no reason, then you better become suspicious. You might think he wants your love when all the time he is calculating how he can have access to your liver because a babalawo says he must bring one liver still bubbling and jumping with life in order to become rich. Or the motive might simply be that he is tired of the car. Once, one man was so irritated by the antics of his aircraft while in the air that when he landed, the first person he saw was his mechanic. Good, he thought. ‘How much can you give me for this thing?’, he asked, pointing at his innocent-looking aircraft. ‘Twenty dollars’, stammered the surprised mechanic. ‘Fine, it’s yours’, said the owner as he walked away, tossing him the particulars.

    Really, there is no end to the things we can give to others out of love. There is also no end to the things we can receive, out of love. A woman took her child to see his father from whom they both had been separated for a long time. ‘How much do you want for him?’ asked the father. Now, that is love, the kind Jacob would willingly have elected to demonstrate if he had been privileged.

    Where am I going with this? Not very far, just be patient. You see, valentine is here again, and everyone knows it is the period when love is bought and sold. No? Just take a trip to the stores and when you’re done, take a trip into the heart of every woman around you, and when you’re done there too, then we’ll talk. Right now, the shops are calculating how much profit they can accumulate this season from their outlay of investments into people’s desire to impress other people in their lives. For instance, I know many florists have invested heavily in fields of roses – red, yellow, purple and even blue – for those who will give out roses. No, of course, they do not have Nigerians in mind. They’re not stupid. One Nigerian confessed that his hostess in a foreign land welcomed him into their home with a bunch of flowers which he promptly flung on the floor and forgot all about as he made himself comfortable in their sitting-room, waiting for the food to arrive. I do not need to tell you how the hostess felt.

    Meanwhile, every woman’s heart is permanently prepared to receive a gift, in or out of gift-giving season. I know mine is; so God help those around me, including you my reader, if I do not receive a gift on Valentine’s Day. I assure you that you will be joking with next week’s edition of Postscript Unlimited, which you may be dismayed to find, can suddenly become highly limited. So, be sure that the woman in your life is already counting her chickens. ‘He’d better not give me another pair of earrings again this year. Why will men never learn? Why won’t they just ask us for what we want?’

    Meanwhile, the men, clever things that they are, know exactly what they are doing. They know how not to look for trouble. They know that to ask a woman what she wants as a gift is to ask for trouble. There is nothing like getting her something less with an explanation: ‘I know you said you wanted a private jet for a gift but since I cannot afford one, I thought this Honda Big for Nothing will do. I hope you’ll manage it’. Uhn uhn, it cannot work that way because the reply will be prompt: ‘If you knew you would not be able to afford whatever I ask, why then did you ask me?’ That of course is the beginning of a long conversation that starts with ‘But how could I know that you would soar into the sky with your imagination…?’ Reader, you don’t want to know how that would end, neither would St. Valentine.

    Listen here, people, are we not holding this stick of love by the wrong end? When the poor saint conceived of ways of showing love, it was not for the purpose of bringing it to its knees. What is done today in remembrance of St. Valentine is no more than self-gratification and making the word love common. Those of us who only think of the physical end of the valentine celebration obviously do not know what that day stands for.

    Valentine’s day is the day we should all take a pause and ask ourselves this important question: what are the many splendours of love? The answer will surprise you. It will lead you to discover that the splendours you have been dealing with as a Nigerian have shown only the basest and the most wrong kind of love. For, it is the basest love that leads us to cheat other Nigerians: at our jobs, in our trade, on the road, even in our relationships. It leads us to embezzle right on our jobs; it leads us to proclaim to be very religious, not missing any church or mosque activity, yet denying other people their dues; it fills the world with hatred. This base love carries no reward, only punishment.

    Valentine’s day is for giving our hearts, not necessarily for gratification but for its own sake. That is the kind of divine love the poor saint demonstrated. Doing likewise will help us discover, like Francis Thompson, that love’s many splendours are magnificent, beautiful and endless. We will find its splendours when we give items to those who do not have, give helping hands to those in need and sacrifice our own needs for others. In short, love is many-splendoured when we feed others; hatred is equally many-splendoured when we feed only ourselves. From this valentine, therefore, I have resolved to demonstrate the many splendours of love whenever I can. What about you? Remember, what goes around comes around.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Three ways to make him fall in love with you

    Have you ever found yourself falling for a man you were dating and wondered if he was feeling the same way? Did you find yourself trying to prove what a great catch you are by being sweeter, funnier and smarter in hopes that he would fall in love with you? Focusing on what a man wants and ingratiating yourself in this way may feel like the natural thing to do, but it’s the worst way to try to make a man feel romantic love for you.

    Love isn’t a reasonable emotion – and being “nice” and “understanding” and “a good sport” won’t get you where you want to go. Here are some ways that will:

     

    Tip 1: Don’t give a man more than he gives you. Love, and inspiring a man to fall in love with you forever, is all about you being able to receive love.

    Most of us only know how to give. We give for lots of reasons – because we’re taught that’s the way to get to a man’s heart (it isn’t) because we see other women do it, and because deep down, it feels uncomfortable and scary to be vulnerable enough to really get love.

    “A man is actually turned off when he gets more from you than he gives.”

    A man is actually turned off when he gets more from you than he gives.

    When you shower him with affection, attention, dinners, gifts, and always go out of your way to drive to his place, it makes him think of you as a mother or a friend instead of inspiring his emotional desire for you.

     

    Tip 2: Don’t give away exclusivity if he hasn’t yet committed. We become totally, emotionally invested in a man when we’re exclusive with him because he has all our time and attention. There’s no way we can stop wondering about where the relationship is going. But the more we think about it and talk about it, the more we push a man away.

     

    Tip 3: Don’t give him gifts, make him dinner or pay for dates Yes, this sounds unfair, and yet, who pays is often the difference in his mind between friends hanging out together and a “date.”

    If a man complains about paying for everything, let him know you don’t care what you do, you feel great being with him, and you don’t want to pay. Walking, hanging out in bookstores, having a picnic in a park can all be fun, romantic ways to get close to a man.

    (And forget about cooking dinner, or trying to make dating “reciprocal.” A bowl of popcorn and something to drink is fine.)

    When you give a man gifts, give him all your attention and energy, and give MORE than you receive, you’re OVERFUNCTIONING.

    Overfunctioning is doing more than your fair share and stepping up to rescue a man because you know you can do a better job. It’s arriving from your masculine energy. It feels aggressive and forward to a man.

    And it’s totally unattractive to him.