The Nation Newspaper

Tag: marriage

  • How to Know When a Marriage Is Really Over

    Until death do us part—it is a wonderful thought and ideal that every marriage should try to live up to, but it does fall apart in some relationships. Before you throw in the towel, however, you need to take a good, long look at your marriage and look for signs that help you know when your marriage is really over.

    Instructions

    1.Realize that you have gone through therapy and had the long, hard talks, but the pain and resentment of past hurts is still there. These things can be overcome in some relationships, but not always.

    Understand that a loss of respect for the marriage, and a spouse, lets you know when a marriage is really over. Certain aspects of mistrust or cheating have the possibility of being reconciled, but if respect for the sanctity of your marriage is gone, then there are few things that can be salvaged.

    •Look at your relationship and the people you have become, and decide if it is simply a matter of having grown apart. If the two of you have nothing in common any longer, you have nothing to talk about or you have no means of relating to one another, then you know a marriage is really over.

    •Take heed when every conversation you have with your spouse is a fight. When this is the case, you know that your marriage is over. Whether it is a fight regarding who needs to take out the garbage or a fight about finances, take stock of how often these altercations occur and make up your mind.

    •Know that your marriage is over when neither of you can compromise or wishes to take into account each other’s feelings. This is a valuable part of any good marriage, and it cannot be saved when neither of you are willing to hold this end of the bargain.

    •Study the cycles of your sexuality within the marriage. If you feel that neither of you has a sexual attraction to the other any longer, you know that the marriage is over. Sex should not be the most important thing in any relationship, but without a mutual attraction, no relationship can last.

    •Recognize that once you have both gotten to the point where your patience with each other has run out, your marriage is over. It takes work, from both parties, and genuine love and patience to see each other through the good times and the bad. Once these things go away, there may be no chance left to save the marriage.

     

  • Kemi Asemota shuns marriage

    KEMI Asemota is the eldest daughter of one of Nigeria’s renowned auto magnates, Chief Sonny Asemota. She used to be married to Lagos socialite Biyi Blaise before they got separated. Though she has a reputation of being tough, she is happily single and not searching. Her former hubby has outgrown his fear of getting married again and settled down with Yinka, his lover of many years and mother of his son. Kemi seems to have given marriage a wide berth.

  • Marriage doesn’t restrict my acting -Ashionye

    Marriage doesn’t restrict my acting -Ashionye

    Ashionye Michelle Raccah is a lady with an infectious smile; an affirmation that she is enjoying a great balance with her career, family and social life. She shared with YETUNDE OLADEINDE her achievements, challenges and plans for the future, including the launch of her new movie, Journey to self.

    WHAT has been happening to you? I run a company called Alleykat Media which worked with Fressia Entertainment to produce the movie, Journey to self. Basically, I wrote and produced the film, while the executive producer is Fressia Entertainment.

    It is my first screen play and I also featured in it with Katherine Obiang, Nse Ikpe Etim, Dakore Akande and Tosin Sido. Of course, there are other support and cameo appearances.

    It is an intense story of friendship, sacrifice, empowerment and self-respect.

    Four childhood friends, Regina, Nse, Rume and Alex, get the news that another long time friend of theirs, Uche, has died.

    Uche was the magnet that pulled her friends together and over the years had become their shoulder to cry on, so much so that she never felt she could tell them about her own problems.

    As part of her last request, the ladies travel to Uche’s home in Abuja for her funeral.

    The four ladies, on arriving at Uche’s house, find that she has left a series of letters in which she speaks to them from beyond the grave. The letters provoke her friends to open up on emotional baggage, as secrets and fears are revealed, leading to a journey of self discovery. For Regina, Nse, Rume and Alex, the weekend they spend in Uche’s house becomes an emotional roller coaster as individual characters are tested.

    Why are you interested in doing this?

    Basically, I have been interested in empowerment. If you look at my journey so far in entertainment, you would see that I am passionate about women and children. When I was writing the screenplay, I was interested in the happenings about a year ago. The stories of the women in Journey to Self are actually the stories that I read about.

    Personally, I felt there was a need to read about their stories.

    As you’re probably aware, I’ve always been a proponent of women’s rights and female empowerment in the past, the ‘Girlpower’ series being one of my initiatives. It was natural, therefore, as I set my mind to writing scripts, that one of the first I wrote would deal with some of the issues women face in their relationships both with men and in there friendships with other women.

    Are the stories positive or negative?

    They are positive stories and it is a family movie. It is basically talking about the problems of five friends. It is a journey of struggles; things they go through are things that affect other people in their lives. It could be their children or their husbands. I believe that it is a story real people would like to watch. These are real issues that affect real women not just in Nigeria but all over the world.

    Talking about family and friendship, many believe that it is difficult sustaining marriages these days. Those who are married are not sure of what to expect. What do you think of the trend?

    I played the role of a character who is married to a banker, played by Kalu Ikeagwu, with two children. She is in an abusive relationship. A lot of women today in Nigeria and in the world can relate with that.

    Basically, we are using the movie to send out a message, that whatever the situation you are in you can find a solution. If you have been in an abusive relationship for years, you don’t necessarily have to be there suffering in silence. There is someone out there who is ready to listen to your story.

    Personally, you are married. How has it been like?

    It’s been fantastic, my husband and I are like friends; we are like brother and sister more than being husband and wife. We don’t have secrets, we share everything together. I believe that is what has been keeping the marriage going, So far we have been married for three years plus and we have a son who is two years plus as well. We thank God for the journey so far, and we are praying to be together till we are grey and old.

    What about the challenge for women having to drop their jobs or identity after marriage; what advise do you have for men?

    I don’t think marriage should change that aspect of a woman’s life. For a man, you are dating a woman, and if she is an actress, you met her in that career or job, you should let her keep that job. Fine, you can have restrictions. You could give restriction, like no kissing on set or doing certain things on set. Restrictions of that sort, I say restrictions for a better choice of words. This, because I know men are jealous, African men. Nigerian men are jealous. But it does not mean that you can limit your wife and ask her to stop the job she loves.

    Yet the men do all kinds of things…..

    Well that is another topic for another day.

    From my angle, I am lucky to be married to someone who is also in the business, who enjoys it. There are no restrictions he believes in professionalism. If he calls for whatever, I have to do it but we sit down and discuss it.

    And if I personally feel that I can’t do what I am asked to do on set, then I have to let the director know that we have to twist this thing a bit and find a way around it. We did that on the set of Journey to Self for Dakore Akande.

    When was the turning point in your career?

    In my career there have been lots of turning points. I have been doing this for about twelve years and it is what I have always wanted to do. I am happy that I am using being a celebrity to touch people’s lives.

    Are you going to be doing this for ever? Or do you have other dreams like moving into public life?

    Politics? No, not at all. For now I am not thinking about it. Maybe, never say never. But right now there is no politics on my agenda.

    Yes I want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to do music, I want to do acting and want to do more of production. As I said before, I have a production company called Alleykat Media. I want to do more of this, for film and for television. This would be the very first of loads of things to come.

    Talking about women’s empowerment, do you think we have gone far since Beijing?

    Yes, we have gone far but I think there is still a lot more to be done. There are loads of areas that need to be touched but I believe it should start from home. I think charity should begin from home. I believe every woman should build a happy home and spread out. I think there are lots of women that go through battering in their homes. I don’t think any woman should go through battering in her home.

  • Marriage will come at the right time —Bouqui

    Marriage will come at the right time —Bouqui

    Born Bukola Afolayan, known professionally as Bouqui, she was recently on tour. Back home, she is working on her third album and also as a judge for a new gospel reality TV show set to hit the airwaves soon. In this interview with DUPE AYINLA-OLASUKANMI, she talked about her plans to settle down soon and her passion for Christ through her songs. Enjoy

    WHAT interested you about this project?
    You see, what we are doing here is about passion for the next generation. I am a Christian, an unrepentant, uncompromising, and unapologetic Christaholic, Jesus-freak, and people know me for that.
    It reflects in my way of life, music and what I say and the way I think. So when a project like this happens, it is a beautiful opportunity for us to jump on board. You know I am passionate about the next generation, and that is why I have a project called the Campus Storm, where we go round campuses. Recently, we had in attendance 15,000 people in OAU, 8,000 in Babcock, 7,000 in University of Lagos. We keep doing it because we understand the power of music. And now that this is happening on a very large scale, I am very happy to be a part of it. It is really a privilege.
    What brought about the idea of Campus Storm?
    It is a way of reaching out to the next generation. Like they say, it takes a higher law to defy an existing law. And we have realised that youths love music, they listen to it and it is the language they seem to understand. They spend their money on music. So, what we did was to do something to pass a message across through the means they understand and love. So, what we do is to infuse the message in the music to pass it into their subconscious mind. There is no better way to reach out to them, knowing that the subconscious is more powerful than the conscious.
    How long has this been going on?
    We started last year, and we have been doing it every quarter. Last year, we went to a female prison, because it is an institution too. It is like giving back to the society. You know, they loved it, and they were happy.
    What are you working on now?
    I am working on my third album. I just got back from my world tour of 15 states in America, 32 cities in the UK and five cities in Canada. So I am back home now, and like they say, charity begins at home. We are recording the third album entitled, Mask of the General. We are just doing what we have to do, to make sure that we reach out to as many people as we possibly can.
    What stage are you now with the album?
    I’m done. I am mixing a master tape and it will be released in October.
    How was your tour?
    It was awesome, it was amazing. It impressed upon my heart that I cannot stop doing what I do. Because when you sing about a higher power, people that connect on that level listen to you. Let me show you the pictures. Here, I had white people on the tour. Imagine if I was just singing about myself, my swag, they would have said what is wrong with this one. But I was singing about Christ, and when I used scriptures to back it up, it didn’t matter the language I was using, they embraced it and still sang my song. I did Mo ri le and Mo le jo lo ri Agolo and they danced to it, because I was singing about Christ. The autograph session was off the chain too.
    How were you able to pull out the all-white session, did you plan it?
    No, it was just God. You see there are three major things; intimacy, assignment, and provision. When you place your strength on intimacy with God, he provides all that you need. Because He sees your life and sees that this people need to listen to what you have to say. So, He opens the door. It just happened; I did not plan to have an all-white gathering.
    Did you have other gospel artistes with you?
    No, it was just me.
    You performed in over 40 different states, how did you do this all alone?
    It was grace. When your grace is in place, you can do things.
    Having maintained this identity for long, any plan to change your looks?
    It is all about consistency. Like they say, consistency is the virtue of a wise man. You know that over time if you continue, it becomes what you are known with. My mum will say if you pee on one spot, it will bubble. But when you spread it, you cannot get that result. So it is about values too. There are people who think that it is boring, that you can just maintain a particular hair style. But it is all about what you set out to achieve.
    How long have you been doing this?
    I started right from childhood. My father registered me in a music school, so I will say music has always been a friendly thing for us in the family. At that time, they loved it because it was a hobby. But when I wanted to take it up professionally in 1994, my dad didn’t like it. My first single came out in 1999. That is over 15 years.
    So, how have you been able to stand out?
    It is consistency like I said earlier. I am a Christian, and by God’s grace I am living it. And when I take up my piece of paper to write songs, I write about the things that matter to me. And because of that, I can stay consistent. I am not trying to be a hip-hop artiste or a shining star. If I were doing that, then I would be looking at what is in vogue and base my music on what is in trend at a particular time. But those things are temporary.
    But I talk about things that they call evergreen. And such things stay forever. A lot of people say are you a Christian? And I am like I am a gospel artiste, and more than that I am a Christian doing gospel music. I am not a musician doing Christian song. So whatever I feel like talking about, I say from the spirit. The bible says, “there is a spirit in man and the breathe of the Almighty gives him spirit”.
    So I have the understanding that what I do is of the higher power and is reaching out to these people that are looking up to us as models.
    Would you say your busy schedule is what is holding you from settling down?
    I am going to settle down very soon. But there is a time to everything and a season too. And if you say because of the pressure around and you do what is not in alignment with your destiny, you are going to get hurt. So, I understand that there is a time for everything, and at the right time it will happen.
    You said very soon, is there a man already?
    (Smiles) I am not going to answer your question. Just keep your fingers crossed and come and eat rice at the right time.
    When you are not busy, what do you do?
    I pray, I listen to the word, read books and watch movies.
    You talk about Christ with so much passion…(cuts in)
    It is the essence of my being. It is my life; it is the only thing that works for me. It is the only thing, that if they strip me off everything I own, from family to friends, that is the only thing that I know I can trust in. He has never let me down. When I need Him, He is always there. Sometimes, when I need Him to do something for me and I don’t get answers, I understand that, He does not want me to do that. So if those doors don’t open, and I am hurt, I still understand that this God loves me and will give me what is best for me.

    WHAT interested you about this project?

    You see, what we are doing here is about passion for the next generation. I am a Christian, an unrepentant, uncompromising, and unapologetic Christaholic, Jesus-freak, and people know me for that.

    It reflects in my way of life, music and what I say and the way I think. So when a project like this happens, it is a beautiful opportunity for us to jump on board. You know I am passionate about the next generation, and that is why I have a project called the Campus Storm, where we go round campuses. Recently, we had in attendance 15,000 people in OAU, 8,000 in Babcock, 7,000 in University of Lagos. We keep doing it because we understand the power of music. And now that this is happening on a very large scale, I am very happy to be a part of it. It is really a privilege.

    What brought about the idea of Campus Storm?

    It is a way of reaching out to the next generation. Like they say, it takes a higher law to defy an existing law. And we have realised that youths love music, they listen to it and it is the language they seem to understand. They spend their money on music. So, what we did was to do something to pass a message across through the means they understand and love. So, what we do is to infuse the message in the music to pass it into their subconscious mind. There is no better way to reach out to them, knowing that the subconscious is more powerful than the conscious.

    How long has this been going on?

    We started last year, and we have been doing it every quarter. Last year, we went to a female prison, because it is an institution too. It is like giving back to the society. You know, they loved it, and they were happy.

    What are you working on now?

    I am working on my third album. I just got back from my world tour of 15 states in America, 32 cities in the UK and five cities in Canada. So I am back home now, and like they say, charity begins at home. We are recording the third album entitled, Mask of the General. We are just doing what we have to do, to make sure that we reach out to as many people as we possibly can.

    What stage are you now with the album?

    I’m done. I am mixing a master tape and it will be released in October.

    How was your tour?

    It was awesome, it was amazing. It impressed upon my heart that I cannot stop doing what I do. Because when you sing about a higher power, people that connect on that level listen to you. Let me show you the pictures. Here, I had white people on the tour. Imagine if I was just singing about myself, my swag, they would have said what is wrong with this one. But I was singing about Christ, and when I used scriptures to back it up, it didn’t matter the language I was using, they embraced it and still sang my song. I did Mo ri le and Mo le jo lo ri Agolo and they danced to it, because I was singing about Christ. The autograph session was off the chain too.

    How were you able to pull out the all-white session, did you plan it?

    No, it was just God. You see there are three major things; intimacy, assignment, and provision. When you place your strength on intimacy with God, he provides all that you need. Because He sees your life and sees that this people need to listen to what you have to say. So, He opens the door. It just happened; I did not plan to have an all-white gathering.

    Did you have other gospel artistes with you?

    No, it was just me.

    You performed in over 40 different states, how did you do this all alone?

    It was grace. When your grace is in place, you can do things.

    Having maintained this identity for long, any plan to change your looks?

    It is all about consistency. Like they say, consistency is the virtue of a wise man. You know that over time if you continue, it becomes what you are known with. My mum will say if you pee on one spot, it will bubble. But when you spread it, you cannot get that result. So it is about values too. There are people who think that it is boring, that you can just maintain a particular hair style. But it is all about what you set out to achieve.

    How long have you been doing this?

    I started right from childhood. My father registered me in a music school, so I will say music has always been a friendly thing for us in the family. At that time, they loved it because it was a hobby. But when I wanted to take it up professionally in 1994, my dad didn’t like it. My first single came out in 1999. That is over 15 years.

    So, how have you been able to stand out?

    It is consistency like I said earlier. I am a Christian, and by God’s grace I am living it. And when I take up my piece of paper to write songs, I write about the things that matter to me. And because of that, I can stay consistent. I am not trying to be a hip-hop artiste or a shining star. If I were doing that, then I would be looking at what is in vogue and base my music on what is in trend at a particular time. But those things are temporary.

    But I talk about things that they call evergreen. And such things stay forever. A lot of people say are you a Christian? And I am like I am a gospel artiste, and more than that I am a Christian doing gospel music. I am not a musician doing Christian song. So whatever I feel like talking about, I say from the spirit. The bible says, “there is a spirit in man and the breathe of the Almighty gives him spirit”.

    So I have the understanding that what I do is of the higher power and is reaching out to these people that are looking up to us as models.

    Would you say your busy schedule is what is holding you from settling down?

    I am going to settle down very soon. But there is a time to everything and a season too. And if you say because of the pressure around and you do what is not in alignment with your destiny, you are going to get hurt. So, I understand that there is a time for everything, and at the right time it will happen.

    You said very soon, is there a man already?

    (Smiles) I am not going to answer your question. Just keep your fingers crossed and come and eat rice at the right time.

    When you are not busy, what do you do?

    I pray, I listen to the word, read books and watch movies.

    You talk about Christ with so much passion…(cuts in)

    It is the essence of my being. It is my life; it is the only thing that works for me. It is the only thing, that if they strip me off everything I own, from family to friends, that is the only thing that I know I can trust in. He has never let me down. When I need Him, He is always there. Sometimes, when I need Him to do something for me and I don’t get answers, I understand that, He does not want me to do that. So if those doors don’t open, and I am hurt, I still understand that this God loves me and will give me what is best for me.

  • There is no marriage without storm -Ezekiel

    There is no marriage without storm -Ezekiel

    At the prayer camp of the Christian Pentecostal Mission, Lagos-Ibadan expressway, penultimate Friday, the National/International coordinator of the Church, Rev Mercy Ezekiel spoke to Charity Williams about her life, ministry, marriage and sundry issues.

     Why did it take this long for you to dedicate the prayer camp?
     We do not follow other people to do what they do. It is when God leads us that we move.
    You are a role model to women across the world, what is the secret of your  success?
     You sound so funny. The secret is commitment to God. When you have fellowship with Him, you are focused. A lot of us are not focused, a lot of us start to achieve; so when you start doing something noble you should not look back. So, I laid my hands there and I decided not to look back. I am not telling you it is easy; it is not. It has been rough but God has always been with us.
    You have a very successful married life, what tips would you give to other married women to build a happy family?
    That is a very big question . Marriage is from above; and it is God that does it, not man. Marriage is not easy. Marriage is you fall for me and I fall for you. I will not say that there are not hard times, there are; but you make up your mind to make it work. That is it. You make up your mind that this thing I am holding it and I will not let it fall. At times you feel like running away when it gets so tough, gets you mad; but when you look back at where you were coming from, you have to hold it on because a lot of blessings are tied to you. So, because of these blessings, you have to continue.
    Has there been any time you felt like quitting both the ministry and your matrimonial life?
    Several times; I am not a spirit, I am a person.  At times flesh talks; flesh will want you to get out of it. It is tough. But the Spirit of God will tell you to pipe down and then that boat will not sink, you will relax. There is no marriage without storm, no ministry without shaking. It is just when you know who you are and what you want that you go for it.
    Today, believers go for divorce even though the Bible forbids it, do you agree that divorce should be accepted among believers in this present age?
    Well I wouldn’t say yes, I wouldn’t say no. I don’t need to go into that, because I have seen a lot of women die because Bible says no divorce. There was a case of a woman in the U S A, she had five kids; and this man had been saying I would kill you. If you don’t leave me alone I would kill you.  And one day he came back, as the lady was sleeping; he took knife and cut her into pieces. The lady died. Today he is in jail, We have what we call staying apart which is not divorce; that is separation, which is not divorce. Instead of you to die, I prefer separation, stay on your own and you keep yourself. Don’t mess up. But if you are that woman that knows you can’t stay without a man, better stay there. But if you know that God has given you the grace, you can stay without a man; you know that this will kill you, better get out. I am not saying you should divorce; you can separate and remain single instead of dying in it.
    But we have also seen some men of God who divorced their wives and got married to other women while their former wives are still alive, what would you say about that?
    That is what I am saying; I wouldn’t want to dabble into it because a lot of ministers have been marrying, a lot of ladies have been marrying. We all have a choice. I am not saying they will go to heaven, I am not saying they will not go to heaven.
    You have been in the ministry for 34 years, what have been the challenges?
    A lot, number one is being a woman. You notice that in the social world, women are more acceptable than men. In  Christendom, it is a taboo which we need to quickly tackle. In the social world, women are more important associates, but when you come to the Christian world, they don’t want it. Number two, you have to study, you have to read and be intelligent, because you are a woman and many believe that ministry is for men. So, you have to study, pray and remain commited to the cause of the gospel.
    What is the secret of your youthful look?
    I do a lot of exercise and also eat good food. I don’t eat junks; I don’t eat anyhow,  I can eat once in a day, though I eat good one. I eat a lot of fruits, I get rid of stress; stress kills. Women are emotional and we die young. Apart from dying young, we get old because of stress. If you know that this world is a passing phase, stress must come and you will know how to manage it. If I have a problem; I think about it and I throw it away and move on, because if one dies now, life continues.
    Now you have been coordinating the operations of CPM worldwide, as a woman, how easy are you finding it?
    It is just the grace of God. We have a lot of churches outside; it is just the grace of God. If I tell you, you will say it is a lie. Even I don’t know how I am doing it. Many a times my husband will ask me, are you a man or a woman?
    You said something about opening a CPM bank here. What are we expecting from this CPM prayer camp?
    We are going to have  school here, we are going to have an hospital, we will have a university, it will be a city; we are going to bring our people here to build their houses. We will have petrol station, we will have market, we will have a mortgage bank to help the poor.
    Tell us how you began your Christian race and about your upbringing
    I was brought up by a pastor. My late uncle, John Oru, was a pastor; it was rough. The devil battled with my destiny; he saw what I was going to be. Somehow, God received our prayers.
    Was the pastor rich when you met him?
    You mean my husband? Rich? He was riding bicycle; he wasn’t rich. He was to preach at a crusade, a friend took me to the place and that was how we met.