Three widows share their experience of uncommon love, care and passion for the needy in the hands of one fellow woman. Medinat Kanabe who took a trip to their world reports
Nigerian woman, especially housewives, the fear of widowhood is the beginning of wisdom. More of the time, the fear is not in losing their husbands per se, but more in the unpalatable experiences and drama that usually ensue. These include abandonment, betrayal, victimisation, deprivation, and other such horrors. Notably the cruelty some women are subjected to in some parts of the country after their husbands’ death resonates and is now legendary. Some are even baselessly accused of being responsible for their husbands’ death, while others are made to forcefully marry their husbands’ relatives or strip them of their inheritance as punishment.
This and several other reasons were what propelled Ifeoma Igbokwe to establish Grace CIIFEK Initiative, an NGO to cater for the needs of widows and orphaned children, despite not having any form of income outside her husband’s support. The Nation encountered some of the widows under her care who took turns to share their experiences since joining her NGO.
Cordelia Azuine
When her husband died 10 years ago, Mrs Cordelia Azuine who was 42 years-old at the time felt the day had become dark for her. Now 52, the primary school teacher has paddled the canoe on her own without the support of any family member.
According to her, when it became too difficult for her to cope at a time in those years, she opted tore marry; but her mother in-law discouraged her saying she was the reason she had not died after her son’s death.
According to the mother of six, it wasn’t easy for her, but she has survived it. “I felt it so much because nobody can fill the vacuum. When I remember the way he pampered me and the children, I feel bad. The worst is that my husband’s younger brother gave out the portion of land, which was the only property he left us.
Consequently, things became so difficult that her children could not continue their education, she revealed. “Only one managed to enrol for part-time studies in a university and graduated. My second daughter did National Certificate Examination, NCE before she got married and left. The others didn’t further after their secondary school education.”
The Imo State-born Azuine who would be retiring from teaching after 35 years is however grateful that she encountered and joined the Grace CIIFEK Initiative.
She said: “I joined the NGO two years-ago and it has really helped me and other widows. When we go there people come to talk to us, encouraging us through preaching. We also get money from the NGO many times. There is no time we meet that we don’t get something to take home. During the last Christmas, she gave a chicken each to all of us and money to prepare the chicken. I also remember when I was sick and had no money for treatment, she came and took me to the hospital and paid my bills.”
Mrs Azuine also revealed that the whole gesture has been entirely at the instance of Mrs Igbokwe, with the support of her husband Mr Casmir Igbokwe, Editor-In-Chief, The Union newspapers. She therefore calls on the governors of Lagos and Anambra, two states where the NGO operates, to come to their assistance as Mrs Igbokwe cannot do it alone.
Abigail Samuel
For Abigail Samuel, another widow, losing her beloved husband ten years ago was to say the least, unbearable. According to her, it is something she can never forget, because it created a very great vacuum in her life that nobody can fill, except God.
The 45 years-old mother of four also said it has not been easy at all, adding that it wasn’t even easy for them when her husband was alive. The widow who now works as a cleaner also revealed that she has had ugly experiences at the hands of NGOs in the past before joining Grace CIIFEK Initiative.
“I have registered with many NGOs in the past but nothing came out of it. They were only using our pictures and children’s pictures to do business; but this one is not like that. The lady (Mrs. Igbokwe) has been very helpful; out of nothing she gives us something.
“Every time we go to her house, she gives us something. She does not do any other work but cater for us. And to think that and she has never got any support from the government! We go for prayers once every month and we can approach her for favour at anytime. Last December she gave us a lot of things. She even gave us cloths, which she had bought for her own use.”
Nnadi Dorothy
For Nnadi Dorothy, a 41 year-old mother of five, who became widowed at 32, losing one’s husband is a very painful experience.
According to her, “It was as if the world has come to an end for me. I didn’t know what to do. To tell the truth, I don’t even know how I have been surviving because I work for a government ministry and sell cooking stuffs like Melon in Oyingbo Market, Lagos during my spare time. But there is little to show as profit.
“However, since I joined Grace CIIFEK initiative, Mrs Ifeoma (Igbokwe) has paid my house rent and children’s school fees on a number of occasions, which is the greatest challenge I faced before joining the NGO. Even now, she cannot do it alone,” she said because she
Asked if her husband left her any inheritance and if she faced any harassment from her husband’s family after his death, Dorothy said her late husband didn’t leave them much, as he had cleared his account to build a house in the village. “He cleared his account in June 2006 to build a house that he intended to open in December 2006 but he died that same month.”
She also said “My in-laws fought me very well. They broke my things and seized my properties in the house, saying I don’t have a right there. When I was leaving the house, I locked our two rooms and left the room they use and the living room for them; but when I travelled home to remove the clothes that I used to mourn my husband, I discovered that they had burgled the rooms and carried lot of my belongings. And when I asked, they all claimed not to know anything about it.”
“I had to change the locks, locked the rooms again and took the key away. My husband’s ender sister who is leading others to take negative actions against me went to my mother to fight her, saying she is the one advising me. Somehow, I ignored them.”
She however gives thanks to God for meeting Mrs Igbokwe, whom she says has helped her find an accommodation in Egbeda area of Lagos and paid the rent.
Interestingly, she revealed that her husband’s family called her three years ago to apologise for their behaviour. “They said they have not treated me well and begged that I forgive them. They also said they were scared that I might never come back to the village. I have travelled once with my children after that, but we have never travelled together since then because I don’t have the money to travel with everybody.”
Asked how she met Mrs. Igbokwe, she said it was through prayers. “God connected us. I was working with Jesus the Saviour Ministry, Lagos before my husband died where I prayed for people. We met and I prayed for her too; so when I lost my husband, she remembered me and came to assist me.”
Igbokwe’s call for support
Mrs Igbokwe on her part is calling on Governors Babatunde Fashola and Willie Obiano of Lagos and Anambra states respectively to come to her aid in this good work. She revealed that she has made several entreaties and visits to government offices without any success.
Undeterred, the mother of three, who is in her early 40s said she has a land in Anambra, on which she intends to build an orphanage home, and possibly a village for orphans and widows.
“The orphanage I want to build is not for only people that don’t have parents, but also for those whose parents cannot take care of them due to one reason or the other.”
She spoke of her encounter a young mother who is finding it hard to take proper care of her children. “She is living with them in a very unhygienic condition. I have spoken with her and will take the children by the end of the month to my house. I have some of them in my house already but all of them have parents. Some of them go and come but I am responsible for their up-keep.”
Asked how many the widows are in her care, she said she has 60 in Lagos and 20 in Anambra. She also said she has not really started taking in orphans because of the delicate nature. Hence she is waiting to build the orphanage home.
Her inspiration
The graduate of Business Education/Accounting from Nmandi Azikiwe University, Awka also revealed that her desire to always make people happy gave vent to the NGO. “I don’t like seeing people going through pains and difficulties.
“When I was very little my mother would give me food and instead of eating alone, I would share with people in my neighbourhood. I didn’t know that it would turn out to be like this a call for me.”
Continuing, she said “It really started about 6 years ago, when I tried my hands in different businesses and jobs but all failed. I wanted to work and get some money to start up an NGO for widows and orphans. I got a contract to supply a company some goods; but on the verge of carrying out the supply, they stopped me, even though I had spent a lot of money on the business. I went on my knees and asked God why I was going through such difficulties; and He spoke to me. He told me to go and liberate his people widows and orphans.
“I asked how I could do this without money, but he insisted that I should go and start and that he would be with me. At a point I got frustrated and heeded the call. One thing I know is that he always made my husband prosper in whatever he chooses to do, so I felt he was blessing me through my husband.”
When she started the NGO, Mrs Igbokwe realised that it isn’t just about money but showing the widows, love and support. “The women and children need to be given hope and encouragement; they need to be counselled and spiritually uplifted. So I started with the little money I had then and my husband’s support.” She said.
So far, she said she has groomed many people who can handle their programmes when she is not around and train new members. “We teach them how to make soap, liquid antiseptic, snacks and some other things that they can do to survive.
“Our programmes also include breakfast with widows, held once every month. During this programme, I invite people to come and assist them; they bring things for the widows. I always encourage people to come for our programme, so they could relate with them and give them the gifts directly. They need the love and attention. ”
Talking about her relationship with the widows, she said she is so close to them that they can come to her anytime for counselling. “They come when they need assistance to pay their children’s school fees and house rent. Apart from the money and gift items, they are lonely, they need friends and people to relate with and listen to them.”
She also said that “Some come to my house to chat with me, while some even sleep over – especially when they are not feeling too well. I also try to find jobs for them and their children. Sometimes when I buy something for myself, I am instructed by God to give it to the women. It is not easy to buy something for yourself and give it to another person. But when I obey, I get rewarded in bigger ways.”
Speaking on why widows seem to suffer so much in Nigeria, she said many of them are affected by culture. “The culture that doesn’t treat widows well is also a part of it. They are abandoned and looked down upon. Some family members will accuse the women of killing their husbands and take all the properties the man left behind, and then throw the women and their children out on the streets.”
On how she copes with the NGO without a job of her own, she said it is through her husband and few caring friends.
“My husband has been so supportive even till now. I know what he passed through when I started. Friends have called him to discourage him from supporting me. They even called me a lazy woman who doesn’t want to work, but he has kept on supporting me out of the little he has.”
Asked if she is not scared that the women could be tempting to her husband, she said she trusts her husband and knows that he cannot fall for such.
“My husband is a very good man and very accommodating. He doesn’t womanise. My house is also very big, so I have made sure that I don’t disturb the family with my programmes. We use one part of the house for the programme while my family use the other part of the house.
“Apart from that, I take my time to admit women into the NGO, since we are still using my house. God is also on my side and I am a prayer warrior. He shows me things before they happen.
“Before admitting them to the NGO, I do some screening. If I discover they are not good women, I don’t take them. I also make sure they are in good terms with their in-laws.
Advising widows generally, she said widowhood isn’t a sickness and called them to come out of their shells and socialise. “There are some people that are not married at all. It is not a curse. Encourage yourself, don’t allow people see you as are a burden; don’t keep crying everyday because it will not solve anything. Rise up and continue living.”
