With many marriageable people increasingly finding it difficult to hook-up life partners, matchmaking for marriages is increasingly becoming a norm. But along with it have come challenges of incompatibility, a result of lack of courtship, domestic violence and more. Daniel Adeleye reflects on a few cases, plus the religious angles.
It appears she is still battling with her pain of almost a decade. Her first line of “Please sir, I don’t want my eyes red again this afternoon,” as we began our little discussion confirmed it.
She went further to state with grim determination that, “No woman deserves to be beaten or subjected to any physical assault, no matter the circumstances. That is why any man that batters a woman must not be left off the hook or allowed to go scot-free. While the physical hurt can be mended overtime, it is the inner struggle that people cannot see that is hardest to deal with, because it has no set time limit.”
Funmi Odu (not her real name) hails from Akure, Ondo State. After her secondary school education, she gained admission to study Industrial Chemistry at the Federal University of Technology Akure, (FUTA).
Continuing her story, she said, “I was preparing for my first semester examinations in the university when my father met his untimely death in a ghastly motor accident along Ondo-Ore road, and that marked a sad turning point in my life. I am the first born in a family of four boys and three girls. My mother was a petty trader on our street in Akure, but the proceeds from her business couldn’t even take care of feeding in the family after the death of my father’s, let alone paying my school bills. So, I had no option but to drop out of the university and support my mother in fending for the family.”
Consequently, Funmi said she got a job as a factory worker. “Even though the scar of dropping out of university was still fresh in my mind, I put in my best, believing that hard work pays and one day God will send His angel to me and heal my wound.”
Aside her devotion to work, Funmi, a Christian, was also a worker in her church and loved by her church members. One Sunday, after church service, her pastor introduced her to another pastor friend who has a church in Benin-City, Edo State and the two pastors prayed for her.
Some weeks later, she said the pastor again came to her church in Akure, as a guest pastor during one of the church’s Family Weekend programme. Being a worker in the church and coupled with the fact that she had been introduction to him, Funmi said she went to greet him after the service. “That was when my pastor told me about one nice and well-educated brother in his pastor friend’s church in Benin-City, whom God had revealed to them in a vision as my husband. He said they would be happy if I could give the Holy Spirit a chance and marry the brother.
“I was 28 years old at the time and my two younger sisters had been married, but I told the pastors that I was not interested. Moreover, I still had an inner conviction that sooner than later, I would go back to school and maybe while in school, I would give marriage a second thought.”
But it was nevertheless a crossroad for vivacious Funmi, as she wasn’t sure of what decision to take.
To make matters worse, she said the pastors also told her mother the same vision. They pleaded that she impressed it on her to accept the marriage proposal. But Funmi recalled that she kept asking herself why she should succumb to such match-making with a man she didn’t know.
“What if I do not like him at the end of the day? What would become my fate? These and many more questions popped into my head and I became more confused. The pressure was so unbearable for me. My mother deceived me that she had another marathon prayer with another prophet of God who corroborated the pastors’ earlier declaration. Yet, I was not convinced that they were saying the truth, because that was not my dream.
“The matter went on for two years and the pressure intensified. My mother threatened to disown me. And since they had told me the brother was a devoted Christian and a graduate of civic engineering from the University of Benin, somehow, I began reconsidering. I thought he would have some qualities of a responsible man. I was already 30 years old, so I gave them a listening ear and eventually agreed to marry the man.”
“I requested to see the man but by then marriage preparations have got underway. I met him few months to our wedding. The moment I met him, my first reaction was that I didn’t like his physical appearance. He looked more like a bully than a Christian brother that the pastors described. But since he was a Christian and a graduate, I thought he would have some degree of responsibility, so we got married in an elaborate wedding in my church in Akure in 2012. I never got a chance to study him in a courtship.”
“After the wedding, we left for Benin-city and my matrimonial journey began. For days, I was overcome by nostalgia for my home in Akure. Each night, my heart pounded while its beat increased. I started blaming myself. I remember my passion for education and wanted to change my mind and go back to Akure, but it was too late.
“At last, I settled down for another phase of life. The first thing that I noticed about ‘my husband’ was that he nagged more than a woman. He found fault in everything I did. And if I made any attempt to defend myself, he responded by slapping me across the face with his open palm, and punching me multiple times in the head, saying things like ‘Don’t say a word whenever I’m talking; I worked very hard before putting things in order in this house, so don’t destroy them for me’.
“Usually, I broke into tears but endured, believing that he would change. But the more I endured it, the more he got worse. One notable lesson I learned from my parents was that no matter the misunderstanding between them, I have never saw them report to a third party. Likewise, I never saw my father raise a finger against my mother. So I never wanted to involve any third party in the challenge I faced in my matrimonial home because I thought the best they could do would be to worsen the situation. But when the beating became an almost every day affair and couldn’t endure it any longer, I ran to our pastors who said God revealed to them that the brother was my ‘missing rib’. And this was where I received the shock of my life. In a separate encounter with them, they told me that there is nothing they could do. They had done what ‘God’ asked them to do and they don’t intervene unnecessarily in people’s matrimonial affairs. I couldn’t believe my ears. I was shattered.”
“When the assault became almost unbearable, I called my immediate younger brother who lives and works in Lagos, and he came to my rescue and took me to live with him in Lagos. I was in that marriage for two years with a boy child, before calling it quit. I lost everything- my education and marriage.”
Funmi recalled how her mother, now full of remorse, brought out a handkerchief to wipe her tears; she also recalled how she begged her daily to forgive her for misleading her. In order to atone for her ‘sin’, she said her mother now takes care of her son and pays his school fees, but she confesses that “it was a wilderness experience” for her.
Made and Dasola
Like Funmi and her ‘devoted Christian’ husband above, Made, an accountant met his wife, Dasola in church via his pastor and General Overseer. Having grown up in the backstreets of Bariga, though of a fairly successful father, Made wanted a better life for himself and therefore attended some of the finest schools in the country, including the great Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, Osun State.
Even as a budding graduate, he dated some girls and one would have expected him to settle down with one of them; but on relocating to Egbeda area of Lagos, where he got an apartment as an independent bachelor, he became a regular member of a pentecostal church and the pastor, seeing his potential, quickly ‘conscripted’ him into a frontline role in the church. soon, he began interpreting for the pastor during Sunday service. Even at this time, he still kept one of his old girlfriends, Juliet and his friends imagined that she would be the lucky girl.
But that was until his pastor introduced his niece, Dasola to him. His friends recalled that it was at about the time he was introduced to Dasola, that Made suddenly picked a quarrel with Juliet. Before they could even step in to settle whatever their differences were, Made told them he had closed Juliet’s chapter. Of course they laid off, and hoped that he’d soon meet another girl. Unknown to them, Made was already in another relationship, in church, with Dasola. As is characteristic of men, they teased him about his loneliness, and sought to ‘arrange’ another girl for him. It was then that Made dropped the bombshell. “You guys should wait until you meet my wife.”
Shocked, Kunle, who fancied himself to be his closest friend asked how he could be talking about a wife, when he hadn’t even introduced any girl to them. To this, Made replied that he didn’t have to consult with them or notify them before deciding on whom to marry. within a spate of a week after dropping the bombshell about his proposed ‘wife’, Made was speaking of a wedding. This further amazed his friends, but by now, they knew better than to express any opinion against his wishes. Afterall, it was his life; and like he rightly said, he really didn’t need their permission to decide on whom to marry.
In another week, he was talking of a wedding day… and wait for it… in another two weeks. True to his words, he started passing words around about his wedding. It would be a small austere affair, on a Thursday, he announced. It was later that they realised that the bride, Dasola, was actually the pastor’s niece. Though they were not particularly sure, they suspect seriously that it was a matchmaking by the pastor. The speed at which the whole wedding thing was conceived and solemnized pointed to this. They wondered why the pastor chose the most eligible bachelor in the church for his niece who was well into her thirties and almost the same age as the groom. Most of them suspected foul play, but could only express their suspicion in whispers and amongst themselves. The man at the centre clearly didn’t want to entertain any contrary opinion. Particularly, they worried that Made knew little or nothing about the girl or her background, childhood or even girlhood.
The wedding came and went, and both husband and wife started their life journey. Everyone soon forgot the oddity that surrounded their wedding and things went back to normal. But 14 years into the wedding, tongues have started wagging again. The couple is yet to have a child, and friends who remember the controversial circumstances that surrounded their wedding are wondering why they are going through such travails, if indeed the marriage was ordained in heaven. Suddenly, the friends who worried about Dasola’s background and girlhood started talking again. They are afraid that Dasola could have lived a reckless life and engaged in abortions in her youth.
Hard as they try, cracks have also begun to appear in their marriage. In one of their major quarrels, Made was said to have made angry remarks about Dasola’s inability to get pregnant, calling her ‘barren woman’, to which, Dasola was said to have angrily replied that, “How dare you call me barren? Have you ever impregnated a woman before? If you care to know, I’ve been pregnant before and aborted it.”
This confirmed friends and family’s worry that Dasola could have spent her youth recklessly. But it may be too late now and all they can do at the moment is pray for the couple. But one thing, they figure, is certain: this matchmaking has not paid-off. It reeks more like fraud.
The good
Chief Morakinyo Shobande, a Nigerian from Ogun State, who has been residing in the United Kingdom for almost 50 years with his entire family, is one of those people with good stories to tell of marriages from matchmaking. Through matchmaking, he has been able to find true and lasting love for his children and says it is something he will try over and over and over again. According to him, he has been able to match make four out of five of his children both male and female to their partners and they have all been successful unions. Asked what prompted him into matchmaking for his children, he said “When my first child, a male got himself in a relationship here in U.K (about 30 years ago), it resulted into marriage but as I speak, the marriage has not been smooth and we are still trying to patch it up. That was when I resorted to matchmaking. Together with my wife, we decided to be coming home from time to time to choose partners for our children.”
Continuing, he said “Once any one of my children is old enough to get married, I travel home (Nigeria) for three months, get all my childhood friends involved. I visit them and they in turn introduce their children to me; and if I see anyone that is level-headed, it is from there that I pick the right partner for my children.”
Once this is done, Chief Shobande explained that the next time he’s coming back to Nigeria, it is to finalise the relationship, so that we all go back together with both bride and groom to U.K.”
Chief Shobande who is now in his early 80’s said through the matchmaking process, he has been able to hook up his remaining four children and they are all living happily with their partners.
He however explained that unless one is living in the same area or vicinity, it might be a bit difficult for the would-be couple to get to know each other. “That was why I had to be involved but it involved a whole lot of money for them to really get to know each other. Another con of the matchmaking service is that it can cost you a lot of money if it takes time to find the right person. Most importantly, you must let God guide you.” He said.
In recent times, matchmaking has become one of the easiest ways of hooking up people in need of life partners but have not been fortunate in their relationships. Matchmaking is not limited to any age or group of people but simply proffered as a solution to a peculiar need. Matchmaking has taken the world by storm because of its ability to successfully connect people. For those who have tried other forms of dating without success, it may not be a bad idea to try out matchmaking, inspite of its shortcomings and uncertainties.
A culture come to stay?
Many would still remember Zoe Ministries Worldwide in Lagos, where men were made to pay N1000 to get hooked up with ladies as life partners and N5000 after wedding. It will be recalled that parents desperate to liberate daughters from the noose of spinsterhood before it got too late rushed to take advantage of the opportunity all in a bid to get life partners for their wards.
While some were successful, many of those relationships have packed up, with some going through really horrible and sometimes, violent experience. The explanation, relationship experts have observes, is in the lack of quality courtship time; and this has been singled out as the strongest problem of matchmaking in relationships. They argue that even those who get naturally attracted to each other and went into relationships willingly still have problems of co-habiting, talkless of those whose relationships were arranged and solemnised rather abruptly.
Speaking on the match-making, a Muslim cleric, Uztaz Bello Opeyemi said match-making has no basis in the Quran and the teaching of Prophet Mohammed did not encourage it.
The cleric argued that the teaching of Islam envisaged that a young man and young lady must love each other willingly and that nobody should force or impose them on each other for marriage. He said it is after this stage that their parents can now come in, by guiding and feeding them with advice on marriage.
“Introducing a man to a woman for marriage is not a teaching of Islam and is not supported by Quran. What Islam teaches is that a man must see a woman on his own and love her, and the woman must reciprocate the love. It is after this that both their parents must give their consent. No matter the level of love existing between a man and a woman, if both their parents do not give their consent, such love is useless, the cleric cautioned.
Lending his voice, a senior pastor in The Redeemed Christian Church of God RCCG, who doesn’t want his name in print, noted that going by the biblical story of Isaac and Rebecca, the Bible supports match-making to an extent, but it’s something that must be done by a spirit-filled man of God with prayers.
“Isaac was not the one that spotted Rebecca, someone introduced them to each other, but I know it must have been ordained by God because Abraham, Isaac’s father prayed for a right partner for his son. So match-making must be navigated with prayers. And that is the only way God can reveal a right partner. And after the match-making, there should be time for courtship, so that they can know each other better and also be guided with prayers,” he observed.
Reacting to match-making done on internet and media platforms, the religious leader said, “Ordinarily, when a man or woman sets out to get married, according to the Bible, they pray towards it. Marriage is not something that should be done on the internet or media platforms. But if a man or a woman fined his or her situation to that length, whichever way, the person still has to pray about it. Because if anybody who is not holy spirit-filled moderates such, they are only taking risks and at the same time, playing a mere game. The match-making arranged on either internet or media portals cannot be trusted and it’s not biblical,” he warned.
Going further, the cleric encouraged match-makers to play the role of mediator even after marriage, because God has used them to be the one that bring them together. So when a challenge arises between the couple, the match-maker must also seek the intervention of God for them and declared the mind of God to them in whatever challenge they may be going through.
Additional report by Omolara Akintoye
