Every couple wants to discover the key to a better s3xual relationship. One of the ways to achieve this is to know how to strategically satisfy your s3xual urge and your partner’s s3xual preferences.

This week, we are looking at how couples can seductively and erotically build their s3xual energy to the highest peak. The subject will show you the thrilling effect of skin to skin s3xual contact and it will enable married couples to prolong their pleasure.

Love-making, otherwise known as penetrative s3x, is an intimate interaction between a married man and his wife, in which both of them can express their innermost s3xual feelings without fear in a totally relaxed and comfortable frame of mind. It is about an intensive physical sensation that also involves an invigorating process of deep discovery and s3xual fulfilment. This involves both parties releasing and sharing s3xual and emotional energy in their most highly charged state.

Every married couple deserves to be satisfied s3xually. You can share this in a loving and understanding way by helping one another to discover his or her s3xual energy and also by absolutely tapping into your own fulfilment. The idea that bodies possess a s3xual urge was conceived in ancient times. In fact, the ancient Chinese believed that certain meridian points on the human body help to release untold s3xual urges if the body is correctly positioned, stimulated, and electrified. Ultimately it charges the affected individual and helps him or her to reach a hidden point of release. This makes penetrative s3x or lovemaking joyful and exciting. Note that even if you have been married for many years, you can learn to recharge your s3xual batteries.

First, both husband and wife must invest a little time in preparing their minds and bodies for the oncoming pleasure. This helps to elevate the lovemaking to a higher plain. You both must relax by lying down comfortably, breathing in slowly, and making sure that you choose a quiet and comfortable environment.

Then begin to make use of the power of touch. There is nothing that is as electrifying and erotic as the sensation generated by contact with warm hands on a receptive body. It restores confidence and the feeling that you are being admired and needed. Also it stimulates hope. When sick infants are stroked they gain the will to live. A dying patient in a coma has greater chances of recovery if touched. Similarly many marriages have been revived through sensual caresses.

The friction caused by your hand when it touches a human body, particularly on the s3xual parts generates heat and energy. Couples must visualize their partner’s bodies as a great s3xual battery and their hands as the primary fueling catalyst. Skillful caresses can stir waves of wonderful feelings. Couples should not underestimate the power of their fingertips because it is capable of creating overwhelming sensation all over the body, but they should make sure they both have uninterrupted privacy.

Remember that some caresses are more sensual than others and some parts of the body spark into life quickly under certain conditions. While caressing your partner, please be mindful of his or her needs, then go ahead and use your hands to find the most responsive hotspots areas.

The breast is a part of the body that needs to be touched often to stimulate, arouse and increase urges. It must be handled with tenderness because the breast in both the male and female bodies is very sensitive. How to do it? Gently circle and then squeeze the nipple between a well-oiled forefinger and thumb, sliding them up and off it. For extra effect, you can use both hands alternately so that the action and resulting sensation is sustained. This always produces indescribable s3xual urges.

Partners can go further to try intimate touching. No sensual massage would be complete without paying proper attention to the most erogenous areas of the body, especially the genitals. To achieve the best, couples should endeavour to embark on long, lingering erotic touches. Wives, in particular, can enjoy high levels of arousal and achieve orgasm through erotic touch. Erotic touch is when a man caresses his wife’s private parts with electrifying fingerprint touches. Erotic touch is when a wife sensual caress her husband’s private part with her lips and eyes, her seductive sweet talk.

The quivering culmination of tease and tantalization is when you discover that partner neurons are plugged directly into your spouse’s fingertips. If you are the husband, you must never forget to caress the insides of his wife’s thighs first and ask her which touches she prefers. Then, using both your hands at the same time, you should gently pull on the outer lips of the female s3x organ. Take a step further, manoeuvre the clitoris, and do this carefully and with a touch that is almost as light as a feather. Don’t forget to use plenty of lubrication, run your finger first around the head of the clitoris and then, move it up and down the shaft of the clitoris.

On her part, the wife should be aware that when she is caressing her husband’s body, she should avoid any action that may hasten him to achieve orgasm because reaching a climax is not a big deal to him. The problem of developing, maintaining, and satisfying s3xual urges is more on the side of the wife than the husband. But the wife should focus on giving the husband a wonderful time. Make sure you steady his organ by grasping it around the middle with one hand. Then rub the cupped palm of your other hand around the head, as if you are juicing an orange. Slide your cupped hand up over the head of his organ and down the shaft. And before it gets to the base, bring the other hand up to the head once more to repeat the caressing. Above all, endeavour to create an all-round arousal use your hands, lips and the warm pressure of your whole body to electrify your partner’s skin before moving to penetrative s3x.

At this level, kissing is inevitable. I mean the sensual and erotic and way of kissing. Kiss can be many different things- a greeting, an expression of love, or an essential part of foreplay and penetrative s3x in general. Since the lips and tongue are the most sensitive parts of the body, gentle tender kissing and deep penetrative kissing alike, can be erotic s3x itself. Please never underestimate the power of kissing in your preparation for s3x, and in your love making it is an urge most effective breaker-forth tool. When you kiss, do it with confidence, kiss with skill. Skillful kissing usually enhances your own emotional state and helps to boost your spouse’s confidence, as well as hype the erotic and exciting level of intimacy. The result is a good s3xual urges and memorable s3xual performance. If you kiss very well it is possible that both of you will not rush into penetrative s3x immediately, but rather slowly work down your partner’s body with kisses and caresses. Remember your gentle strokes and caresses are unbeatable.

 

Question

We want to re-ignite our s3x lives

You almost blew me up with your column last Saturday. Indeed, I plan to read it together with my wife as a starting point for re-igniting the fire in our s3x lives which is gradually going down.

I will appreciate it if you can be kind enough to send me the concluding part of the article on how to keep one’s s3x life alive so that I can read both parts 1 and 2 with my wife.

I look forward to your kind response. Have a great week ahead and may the good Lord bless you.

 

Answer

This is the concluding part and I know you will find it quite useful.

 

Question

My wife craves for s3x

I am an avid reader of your column and I am highly fascinated by your mastery and delivery of the subject that most people consider a taboo to be discussed either in public or in their private closets.

Your column has contributed in no small measure to the success and stability of many families that were hitherto at the brink of disintegration. I really commend your efforts.

I want to know if it is normal for a woman to start craving for s3x in an alarming manner after the age of 40 and what can I do as a husband when I am not always around?

 

Answer

There is no reason to be alarmed or afraid. It is normal for some women. It shows that you are taking adequate care of your wife. When a married woman at that age craves for s3x, it means she has experienced all round fulfillments. And there is an untold inner joy that finds expression in s3xual relationship with her husband. All I would say is do all you can to make yourself available, and when you are unavoidably absent, try and explain to her. I am sure she would understand and cooperate with you.

 

Question

Is frequent s3x dangerous?

I really want to know if too much of s3x is dangerous. I have a girlfriend now that cannot do without having s3x twice in a day – morning and night. I am not used to it. But I love her so much and I don’t want her to feel anyhow. She feels depressed and angry anytime I refuse to have s3x with her.

 

Answer

For those who are still single, s3x should be saved for marriage. You have no business experimenting with s3x if you are still single or unmarried. It is a dangerous ground to tread on. I can assure you that there are many dangers attached to it.

 

Question

How is sit bath method done?

I enjoy the way you treat people’s challenges.

Please, with reference to your answers, what is KEGEL exercise? How is a sit bath method like? What can be used in the sit bath method?

 

Answer

Please, read our past editions. You will get accurate information

 

Question

My fiancée is always in s3x mood

I have I fiancée that I will be getting married. My concern is that she has noticeable hair around her upper lip, and she told me that she secretes excess vagina fluid, easily gets wet (hugs alone can get her wet) and she is always in the mood to have s3x.

Do you think that all is well with her? She will be travelling for two years by November and I keep asking her how she will cope without s3x for that long. She is assuring me that she will cope, but I am not convinced.

 

Answer

She needs to see a medical doctor for the hair around her upper lip. There are creams that will easily remove such, when prescribed by the doctor.

As for the urges and the secretions, most times, being a single lady could be a predisposing factor. Sometimes it could just be that she is a bit s3xually active and aggressive than normal. Though, it may be possible for her to manage herself while she is away. It may also be challenging as well. Even if you both get married, it does not stop her from being s3xually active. I will advise that she should do all she can to prevent things that will easily arouse her or set her on. Life is not all about s3x. It is also about determination, strong will and being focused.

 

Question

No man has ever discussed marriage with me

I am a 28-year-old lady. I have been trying to keep my relationship, but it wouldn’t stand. No man has ever discussed marriage with me. Sometimes, I feel so disappointed. Please, advise me on what to do. My mates have been married with kids.

Right now, I have no guy around me. I have been passing through a lot of heart breaks. Please, advise me.

 

Answer

There is nothing greater than God. Please, put it in prayers and God will provide the best for you.

When cleaning up, women should avoid the use of too much alkaline soap because it can disturb the natural ph level of the vulva and as a result, make the clitoris hard and painful.

The reason is that the female vulva, which comprises the clitoris and other organs, produces slightly acidic ph that encourages growth of a bacteria known as lactobacillus, which keeps the clitoris in a healthy condition for as long as possible.

The clitoris is the sex organ that makes it possible for a woman to have an orgasm. If she keeps experiencing healthy orgasms, there is the possibility that she will not even have any menstrual pains and cramps. Sexual orgasm actually minimizes or prevents menstrual pain and cramps. This is because the vigorous muscular activity that takes place during orgasm, down in the clitoris, releases tension and soothes pain, such that if a woman is ‘turned off’ sex because she is suffering from menstrual pain and her husband demands it, it will eventually be to her advantage.

Interestingly, orgasm increases the chances of conception occurring after intercourse. This is because when a woman experiences orgasm she retains more sperm in her body, thereby increasing the possibility of fertilization taking place in her womb. However, couples should avoid frequent sexual intercourse during the wife’s menstrual period because she is more susceptible to infections at this time than any other time.

Do you know that having orgasmic sex three times in a week burns off between 7,500 to 15,000 calories in a year? Besides a healthy orgasmic sex is a natural antihistamine that can that help combat asthma and common cold. That is why couples do not catch cold or sneeze in the middle of sexual act.

The skin is another sexual organ that must be cared for. Couples should endeavour to have a regular bath, at least twice daily, to prevent bad body odour especially at this period when there are lots and many activities. Therefore, when couples form the habit of washing up in the morning and at bedtime, they are very likely to end up having very healthy skins, such as would be sexually appealing. However, salty food, alcohol, and cigarettes can leave the skin in a bad shape, as a result of an overload of toxins.

To enjoy the service of your skin in a good sexual relationship, it will be wise to avoid highly salty foods. Similarly, the level of alcohol intake should be minimized because it affects the liver and excess alcohol affects your ability to enjoy good sex.

The mind is another important key to building a good sexual relationship. Married couples should always strive to keep their minds free of hurtful memories, inhibiting notions and stress, in order to increase sexual enjoyment. You must on a regular basis make up your mind to always forgive your spouse, regardless of his or her offence. You may never have a healthy sexual relationship with your partner until you are ready to overlook his or her faults.

Many people do not have an idea about what gives sexual fulfilment to their partners. They don’t even know how often their partner wants sex. For instance, do you know how much hugging and cuddling your lover needs before and after intercourse? How about the sexual fantasies each partner nurses?

Well, paying a little extra attention to your sex life may be all it takes to transform it . Couples put many efforts into their careers, friendship and parenting-they read books and improve on all other areas in their lives. Well, that is not a bad idea at all. However, good sex requires the same level of attention and education. That means making time for sex, thinking about it and making sure you have enough energy for it matter a lot.

Beautiful fireworks need romance. Romance is like the goose while sex is like the golden egg. You don’t kill the goose that lays the golden egg. Romance your partners at least once every other day this Christmas time, kiss for ten seconds every morning when you say good-bye and every evening when you say hello.

Hug each other for 20 seconds each day and flirt with each other. Even when there isn’t time for sex, make sure your mate knows you want to have one with him or her at any accessible time. Leave a romantic message on your partner’s phone or e-mail. Daydream about making love to your spouse while doing the cake, dishes, and while at work or during your free time and so on. Occasionally, while getting ready for bed, play romantic music on the radio or CD player. This is one of the best firework stimulants. Anytime the opportunity arises, give your spouse a one-minute shoulder rub. Use your tongue to caress his or her ears and simultaneously rub some love-scented oil on the lower lobe of the other ear and the base of the neck. Go as far as renting a romantic movie and watch it together after the children might have retired to their room. One of the secrets of sexual Christmas firework is that the fervour, closeness and passion must never be taken for granted because Christmas comes once in a year and one in three men wishes their wives were better in bed.

Read Also: You can still enjoy your sex life

Be generous outside of the bedroom with foot rubs, shoulder rubs and loving words. Little signs of affection can build up and put you both in a mood that you weren’t necessarily expecting. ‘Nothing spoils’ when husband and wife shower together before bed time, seeing the glistening body of each other is not only sexy, it sparks raw fire. No harm happens to the marriage union when partners play naked together, exercise naked together. It will help keep you both fit, relieve stress and it will enable you to work as a team. It builds companionship and spices things up.

Note that while playing together; if you are the shy type that likes to put some clothes on remember to put on seductive underwear. Most men like white or pink cotton panties, especially the ones that are seductively designed.

Don’t forget to break away from the children’s grip and chores and demands  by eloping out a few hours or days  and booking a night in a hotel as it enables couples to unwind and focus on themselves once in a while. Go ahead, become each other’s baby and share bedtime stories.

Take the bull by the horn. You can’t sit around waiting for someone to make you happy, and that goes for sexual happiness too. When there is a raise in salary, the arrival of a new car into your garage or something new and special happens in the family, you can think up an extraordinary way of celebrating it.

Pay yourselves compliments, women expect and need compliments as much as men do. If he knows that you think he’s sexy, he’ll try harder in bed to please you and prove that you’re right. With one compliment an hour, the firework flame comes alive.

In all you do as a couple, put sex first. Let it top your priority. It’s harder to find time together when the visitors are endless and the children [either toddlers or teenagers]  stay up later than you do and most times know what you are up to. Therefore, sometimes you have to put your relationship first before the visitors, children; that could mean sneaking into the extra room, the pent house or the master bedroom bathroom to have a short warm sexual escapade together. ‘If both of you are not sexually naughty now, you may bore yourselves to death later in years to come.’

Statistics indicate that our husbands frequently think about sex than their wives, and it is of topmost importance to them to know that their wives need them sexually. It further says that the media, sexual menace, high immorality in the society is pointing to the fact that husbands want to come home to a ‘pure’ outlet. In addition, for 90 per cent of these men, intense sexual relationship with their wives is more of physical and emotional tranquilizer; it enables them relax and really enjoy the season as it should be, and this gives them ability to  solve  the following year life’s issue better subsequently after sex.

A sexually fulfilled man is more productive, a better giver, better lover and a better caregiver.

 

Question one

Why do I sometimes get headaches during sex? Do not get me wrong, I love sex, I enjoy it with my husband I ask for it more than he can even give me most times, but it always come with persistence headache, why?

Answer

Ideally, when women have sex, endomorphism are released into her body, which in turn relieves pain but it sounds like you are suffering from what doctors call coital cephalagia, or sexual headaches. The pain, which typically begins during foreplay, peaks with orgasm, and can last for an hour afterward, is caused by sudden changes in blood flow.

During arousal, your heart rate and blood pressure go up quickly, and that can cause blood vessels in the brain to swell but there is an upside. “Prolonging foreplay can prevent that surge in blood pressure if you know you’ll be having sex take some libido enhancer or cold ginger drink to relieve the ache.

 

Question

I just gave birth to a bountiful baby girl. She is so cute, but I notice that over some months now, I have been bleeding heavily. Is it normal to have a heavy bleeding while breastfeeding?

Answer

Congrats, on your new child. Well the hormone oestrogen in a woman’s body is like the fertilizer that causes a thickening of the lining of the uterus. While progesterone keeps the lining thin by different mechanisms; feeding on demand around the clock, will usually decrease oestrogen levels–leading to absent periods since there is not much lining to be shed. Those same low oestrogen levels are responsible for the severe vaginal dryness that some nursing moms experience.

When the intensity of feeding declines, oestrogen levels begin to normalize so more lining tissue is available to be shed. However, it can take longer for ovulation and progesterone production to return to pre-pregnancy levels. It can be very common for a bleed, which was not triggered by an ovulation, to be prolonged and very heavy. One study showed that the median time from delivery to first ovulation was 259 days–compared to 119 days for non-breast feeders. You did not mention how old your infant is, so your current bleeding might be a postpartum infection or other delivery related issue.

 

 

Question

My wife and I have been married for nine months, and she hasn’t yet had an orgasm. She has certain fears for sex, and many inhibitions. What can we do to help things get better?

Answer

New couples have similar cases; early adjustment problems are not unusual. Most couples have questions related to their physical intimacy. Since sexual development is such a private experience, there can be many reasons for the difficulty. These could be related to early restrictive teachings that presented sex as dirty. Many women were never given the message that marital sex is a God-given gift meant for our pleasure. It might be helpful to see a qualified sex therapist to help your wife. Many of the books on sexuality can be helpful in overcoming inhibitions; you can get a copy of my book, ‘Sexual Intimacy in Marriage,’ a whole chapter is dedicated to this topic.

Another common cause is a woman’s need for her own emotional control and her related feelings of anxiety as erotic stimulation increases. The intensity of pre-orgasmic excitation can seem threatening for a woman who has learned to stay in control of her feelings. In addition, guilt related to sexual fantasies or premarital experiences can create barriers to full sexual enjoyment. Of course, early sexual abuse can stimulate fearful associations.

The primary reason for this column is to make married couples sex life a blissful one. So today, I have gathered some facts about the patterns of men and women’s sex drives that researchers and sex therapist have found out. However, couples should bear in mind that individuals may vary from these norms.  According to the National Opinion Research Centre, an average couple has sex 66 times a year. Couples under age 30 say they have sex an average of 109 times a year. The average number drops to 70 times per year for 40-somethings and 52 times a year for couples in their 50s.

Experts say men’s and women’s sex drives differ. They say women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s. While men may be rigid and specific about what they become aroused by, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to be more influenced by lots of irrelevant things and factors. Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.

Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more about intimacy. That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love, and connection in a relationship, just as women do; most men crave more foreplay, they just view the role of sex differently. “Women want to talk first, connect first, and then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side; it is their language of intimacy.”

Study after study illustrates that men’s sex drives are not only stronger than women’s, but also much more straightforward. The sources of women’s libidos, by contrast, are much more difficult to pin down. It is common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.

Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it, about two-thirds say they masturbate, even though they feel guilty about it, but they are forced to masturbate because they are constantly being refused by their wives. 80 something percentages of married men confessed having cheated on their wives though they say they feel guilty about it but also gave the reason for this – their wives’ deliberate insensitivities to their sexual fantasies, need and lack of innovation and tastelessness.

Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. I hear women say in my office that sexual desire originates much more between their ears than between their legs. For most married women, there is a need for a plan hence the romance, affection and the foreplay. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire, women’s desire “is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion.” Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.

Most married women are more influenced by the attitudes of their peer group in their decisions about sex. Wives who are not ‘religious’ are likely to have liberal attitudes about sex, they let go and release themselves to the pleasure sex has to offer than the most ‘religious’ ones.  Married women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices, education made less of a difference with men. Women were more likely to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities

Most married women under age 60 think about sex less than once a day.

While the majority of married men under 60 think about sex at least once a day, only about one-quarter of married women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, each fantasize less, but married men still fantasize about twice as often. Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies. They are beautiful natural libido enhancers that can help women please contact me.

Older married women are more likely to experience orgasm when sex is within the context of a faithful and loving relationship. Married women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event takes place in a totally strange environment. Researchers speculate that many coming together or long separated spouses may find the novelty of a new experience arousing.

Most second round sex is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. In addition, it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both spouses about their own sexual responses, so they are better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, spouse who becomes too obsessed with third round sex may develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners.

Women experience orgasms differently than men, while researchers find it tricky to try to quantify issues like the differing quality of male vs. female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there. Men, on average, take 4 minutes from the point of entry until ejaculation; [ideal time should be at least 10 minutes] anything lower than this is considered to be premature ejaculation. If you suffer premature ejaculation, please contact me.  Women usually take around 15 to 18 minutes to reach orgasm. That is another difference between the sexes on how often they have an orgasm during sex. Among married men 75% percent of them report that they always have an orgasm with their wives while 29% percent of married women report that they always have an orgasm with their husbands.

Most married women cannot have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris so they need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary.

The G-spot is a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior vaginal wall. The G-spot is a region found behind the pubic bone that has been credited as the trigger for a vaginal (vs. clitoral) orgasm, and even a catalyst for female ejaculation. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it is best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.

A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the duration before an average married man ejaculates during sexual intercourse from the beginning of vaginal penetration until ejaculation was 7.4 minutes, while the appropriate time should be 12 to 15 minutes. The average penis length is between 8 and 10 inches when erect and averages around 4.6 inches when flaccid. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon, but psychological stress can do the same thing. It is advisable to stay off stress and if you have a shrinking penis kindly contact me.

Only 10% of married men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while 6% of married women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts that include vaginal intercourse or real foreplay sex.

Masturbation can cause injury; frequent or overly vigorous masturbation can irritate the skin of the penis, and men who masturbate facedown can injure their urethras, this has been a major cause of erectile dysfunction for many who masturbate.

Sexual activity can reduce the risk of stroke and heart attack in older couples.

While couples with a history of stroke or heart disease should consult their sex therapist about sexual activity, for the most part, sex is a healthy form of exercise for older people. Researchers who tracked 914 married men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke.

Here are some irresistible moves researchers say always pin men down…  to be continuing next week until then I remain your loyal bedroom instructor.

 

Inbox questions and answers

Question one

I am a regular reader of your column Sex & Sexuality. One could not really describe how disappointed I was some weeks ago when I didn’t see your column in the paper.  Now to the main matter, I got married about 7 years ago and the marriage is blessed with two lovely kids of six and two years old respectively. I fall in the category of men who did not have the ”best of time”, sexually before marriage due to parental strictness and guidance (a blessing in disguise, you will say). Hence, I was looking forward to a sexually enjoyable and explosive marriage. I met my wife a virgin and she never allowed me to have sexual intercourse during our courtship.

The first six months of our marriage was beautiful when it comes to sex, but after then, her interest dwindled; she does not initiate sex anymore and I became more of burden anytime I demand sex at night. These days, I am lucky when I am able to have it once in a week; best-case scenario is twice in a week. I have tried my best to make her happy by buying her gifts from time to time; but the effect does not last long. I bought a Honda car for her just for good sex, but nothing changed.

It is becoming so frustrating. I have tried on a couple of occasions to make her read your columns but she does not; she is not an avid reader. I am giving up the fight and I do not want to seek pleasure outside my marriage, even though the temptations are always there.

I am confused.

 

 Answer

Well thanks a lot for sharing with me. l want to first appreciate the fact that you have done a great job by not taking irrational decisions. I would also like to add that you should try to create time out that you will actually pour your heart out to your wife the way you did to me now. I’m so sure, when she sees the importance; she will definitely change because no woman wants her marriage destroyed. You can do this by going for a weekend vacation to a free quiet and private place together, keeping the children with trusted friends and just go out alone together. This eradicates stress and helps both of you to unwind.

You should also remember that affection and foreplay means a lot to many ladies, if you skip foreplay most of them feels as if they are being legally raped or put under the knife of a surgeon doctor. Then make sure that the way and manner you address and talk to her is befitting a wife and not an elevated house girl.

 

Question

Just this morning my husband told me I always freeze up whenever he tries to be romantic. This got me thinking hard and just like a God-sent, I read your column in the papers today.

I just got married this year and I must say it has not been easy sexually for both of us. My husband is quite considerate and gentle but I am the problem. When he is away, I long for his touches and get wet all over just thinking about him, but when he is around, I just do not enjoy sex. I am losing him. Recently, I found out he is having an affair and I cannot complain because I know I’m not satisfying him. Please help me out. I want to improve my sex life.

 

Answer

I must say you were a little bit careless about your relationship and you took a lot of things for granted. However, there is hope if you will try as hard as possible. First, you need to try to explain to your husband that your actions were not deliberate and that you were sorry for your actions and that you are ready to make amendments.

When it comes to frigidity, l always tell women that it is more of a matter of the mind than the body so you have to make up your mind that you are not abnormal. What the mind can conceive the body can achieve. Then take time to tell yourself you will not only satisfy your husband sexually but you will make him beg for more if you put your attention to these thoughts your inner power will flow there and you will see that sex with your husband will be like living in paradise.

We will be discussing the importance of vacation for the typical Nigerian couples, and by the special grace of God, we shall continue the series until next week. This is because firstly, we are entering festive periods. Christmas and New Year are fast approaching; also the Valentine and Easter periods are just around the corner.

In addition, couples should not only make the best use of it but should have unforgettable memories of it. Christmas and New Year come only once in a year and what couples do with this go a long way to have a lasting effect on their relationship.

Secondly, the number of Nigerian couples that really take time out for a couples’ trip or vacation is pathetically low compared to other couples in the other parts of African countries, not to mention the western world. Many times when I advocate this crusade: so many couples argue that they travel for holidays and my question is what is the nature of the trip? Is it a trip or a shopping time? What you see many Nigerian couples do is use the time for holiday for shopping, so, in the real sense of it, they have not really taken a vacation but preparation for the next thing in their agenda.

Some who do not think of a trip do so because of the expenses. However, I keep on stressing the fact that a vacation, holiday or trip does not necessarily have to be expensive. For instance, a trip to a nearby village or seaside just for the couple is not as expensive as eating out in one of the eateries.

Last week I said an occasional overnight getaway trip provides couples with the opportunity to just leisurely watch others and be creative about life. In most of the getaway centres, couples can just stroll to a park or a shopping mall. Then grab a cup of drink, sit, hold hands, and do not talk.

Just watch other couples. Then after a little while, talk about what you noticed. How did the couples treat one another? How did they talk to one another? Was it respectful? Heart felt?  Lively? [Many couples today are absent minded when they are with their spouse but very lively while chatting with some other fellow].  Did one walk faster than the other? Then talk about what you learned about yourself through watching other couples: “Sometimes a typical Nigerian husband gets so single-focused while taking a stroll, that they literally leave their wives behind. In addition, sometimes a typical Nigerian wife realises that she talked so harshly to her husband. However, while just watching other couples, lessons will be passed across without pointing fingers. Marriage experts recommend a regular date night to maintain a healthy, growing marriage.

Since sex is meant to be a private, exclusive relationship, the main purpose of getaway trips is not to introduce anything that will take a married partner’s focus off his or her spouse but about ways to maximize their limited time. The outcome of such trips make spouses to be more mindful and thankful of what they share together, be appreciative of their partner and of their marriage.

An occasional overnight getaway trip provides couples with the opportunity to rekindle the anniversary sparks, encourage the renewal of vows, and rekindle the blessing of marriage. In some of these trips, authorities provide clergymen who will officially join couples together-  ‘live in couples’ or ‘cohabiting adult’ who secretly wish their union could be legalised.

I was opportune to be in one of the trips sometimes ago, aside the fact that we all had lots of fun, there was a remark from one of the ‘campers’ Mr Rotimi Ololoade  ‘ this is nice, it reminds my wife and I, all those cute little things we used to do when we first started going out? You know, the stuff that made each one of us feel like floating on air while simultaneously making our friends envious of our relationship. Spouses can plan such a surprise for their spouse. It does not matter the stage of the relationship, if your wife is nursing a little baby, arrange with a sitter so that both of you can go out for a romantic getaway. Just the two of you, create time to be re-connected again.  I received an email from a husband a while ago,  who I persuaded to take his wife for a vacation. Did you know that we were so carried away with our daily life schedule that I forgot to give my wife the anniversary gift I got for her last year. But while waiting for our food, at the couples’ resort centre I remembered and quickly presented her with the same gift. This brought both tears and laughter to my wife’s face, and I just realised how such a small gift could make a significant effect on my wife. However, the amazing part of it was the sex treat I got from my wife that night. It was so remarkably tantalizing and the memories have always been with me.

There is one marriage advice that I am ready and willing to put into practice: and that is the recommendation for couples to get away together. Getaway weekends or vacations are great for our marriage. When you hit the road—just the two of you and just for fun—you are building your marriage for today and for your future together. Getting away together reinforces your sense of belonging to one another. You get away from your families, your friends, your work, and neighbourhood contacts, and it is just the two of you ready to share adventures. Then, whatever happens on your trip together happens to the two of you as a team.  In addition, you both will definitely learn some interesting things about each other in the process.

Your time away together gives your personalities free reign for a while. The two of you can make those travel hours your own in whatever ways you like best: sing along with your favourite music, listen to books on cassette, play like a child again. Getway trip helps couples to remember why they got married in the First Place.

Occasional overnight getaway trips remind couples of what they like about each other. It helps take them back the memory lane to when they were dating and they made all that time for one another. Sometimes staying up late talking and organizing fun dates with each other? A getaway vacation gives married couples the same opportunity for talking and playing. It recreates that time when the focus was just on knowing each other better and liking what each person discovers.

One of the participants told me about the recent trips with her husband, she said it reminded her of their many differences—differences she is glad about. “If I were married to someone like me, I’d have a boring, boring life,” she says. “I’d have everything planned and scheduled and marked off in the guidebook.  With Muritala, you never know what a day will bring. It’s wonderful.”

After a few overscheduled trips completely backfired, Muritala and Latifat decided to get away with “low expectations.” Their favourite vacation ever was a few years ago when they travelled from their home to Obudu Ranch by road. “We had no idea how far that was, having come up with the idea in our home without actually asking for detail. It sounded like a fun destination—and it was,” says Latifat. “Allowing a trip just to happen and see where the mood takes us makes for happy campers,” says Latifat. “It’s wonderful having so much uninterrupted time together.”

If you will ask for my sincere opinion, I personally see it as a marriage Check-up, Latifat makes a good point about uninterrupted time together.  She said and I quote, “it is great for getting past the logistical interactions (what is for dinner, who needs the car when, which of us are going to do the school runs this week or feed the baby) down to how we are both feeling about things. On our last road trip together, with no phone to interrupt or household tasks to distract us, Muritala and I had time to get around to how he is really feeling about his freelance work and how I am really doing with the banking job balancing it with mothering and taking care of his age mother.

“We talked about how we felt about our level of busy-ness with the Rotary Club activities. Muritala went so far as to ask something very directly about my marital satisfaction especially our sex life and what—if anything—I thought needed to change. It is not that we never talk like this at home; we do occasionally pull late-nighters to talk about things. It is just that we rarely have the kind of time that a trip allows us to dig into topics more deeply.”

Couples’ time away from work, other activities  and family pressures is an ideal time to gauge whether you’re tackling your day-to-day stresses as a team and where your marriage needs fine-tuning.

It is an ideal time to dream a little dream, that uninterrupted time can lead to sharing your hopes for your future. Blue-sky dreaming about what might be is great for reinforcing couples’ sense of commitment to each other. You are daring to see the years ahead with you in it together, helping each other realize their most cherished hopes.

Monalisa and Jerry are two of our closest friends who actually were connected to each other in one of such trips as singles who later were engaged and married after the trip.  Great things came out of that getaway weekend for them. Even more wonderful, today Monalisa and Jerry are parents to a darling two-year-old named Jemmy.

Well I’m sure you are sincerely planning a date out with your sweetheart, please do and do not conclude until you read the concluding part next week. But before I go, do not forget the next couples cruise with Funmi Akingbade coming up in the second week of December. Prepare to be part of it. Your marriage will never experience a dull moment again, until then I remain your loyal bedroom instructor.

 

QUESTION ONE

I felt a knife-like pain while having sex last week. When I pulled out of my wife, there was blood everywhere. A quick check of my penis revealed that my frenulum had snapped – and it has not healed since. Every time we make love, it starts bleeding again. What is happening?

ANSWER

The frenulum is the skin band that links the foreskin and the skin of the penile shaft. It is the most sensitive part of the penis. It joins the foreskin to the shaft skin of the penis. When it works correctly, it is long enough to allow the foreskin to move freely back and forth over the glans penis when the penis is erect or flaccid. But sometimes men have a short frenulum – a condition known as frenulum breve. A too short frenulum may not be able to withstand the vigorous thrusting actions of sex, and it may sometimes tear under the stress. Kindly see a sex therapist or a doctor, get it treated and your penis – will be back in action!

 

QUESTION TWO

Are there no natural exercises or something to do to cure my erectile dysfunction, I want to explore this first before thinking of the use of drugs.

ANSWER

Kegel exercise can tone the muscles of your reproductive region and can also improve your sex life and cure erectile dysfunction by increasing the blood flow to the muscle of this area and give good sexual agility.

Kegel exercise improves partner satisfaction. In a study of 55 men with erectile dysfunction, 75% improved or regained normal performance by doing Kegel each day. The good news is that you can do Kegel anywhere– in the car, at work, or while watching TV. Or you can incorporate Kegel into many standard exercises, like abdominal stretches. To see results, you’ll need to do Kegel several times a day for 8-12 weeks. One caution: working up a sweat for better sex will only help if you’re on top of any health issues, like diabetes, high blood pressure or heart disease. For men, these conditions are highly linked to erectile dysfunction. Eat a healthy, low-fat diet to keep arteries clear and weight down. Check medications for sexual side effects…especially those for sexual performance anxiety and DDA [dangerous drugs of addiction]. Get proper sleep, and whatever you do, don’t smoke.

 

QUESTION THREE

What is inhibited sexual desire?

ANSWER

Inhibited desire, or loss of libido, refers to a decrease in desire for, or interest in sexual activity. Reduced libido can result from physical or psychological factors. It has been associated with low levels of the hormone testosterone. It also may be caused by psychological problems, such as anxiety and depression; medical illnesses, such as diabetes and high blood pressure; certain medications, including some antidepressants; and relationship difficulties.

 

We shall continue the series until next week. This is because firstly, we are entering festive periods. Christmas and New Year are fast approaching; also the Valentine and Easter periods are just around the corner.

In addition, couples should not only make the best use of it but should have unforgettable memories of it. Christmas and New Year come only once in a year and what couples do with this go a long way to have a lasting effect on their relationship.

Secondly, the number of Nigerian couples that really take time out for a couples’ trip or vacation is pathetically low compared to other couples in the other parts of African countries, not to mention the western world. Many times when I advocate this crusade: so many couples argue that they travel for holidays and my question is what is the nature of the trip? Is it a trip or a shopping time? What you see many Nigerian couples do is use the time for holiday for shopping, so, in the real sense of it, they have not really taken a vacation but preparation for the next thing in their agenda.

Some who do not think of a trip do so because of the expenses. However, I keep on stressing the fact that a vacation, holiday or trip does not necessarily have to be expensive. For instance, a trip to a nearby village or seaside just for the couple is not as expensive as eating out in one of the eateries.

Last week I said an occasional overnight getaway trip provides couples with the opportunity to just leisurely watch others and be creative about life. In most of the getaway centres, couples can just stroll to a park or a shopping mall. Then grab a cup of drink, sit, hold hands, and do not talk.

Just watch other couples. Then after a little while, talk about what you noticed. How did the couples treat one another? How did they talk to one another? Was it respectful? Heart felt?  Lively? [Many couples today are absent minded when they are with their spouse but very lively while chatting with some other fellow].  Did one walk faster than the other? Then talk about what you learned about yourself through watching other couples: “Sometimes a typical Nigerian husband gets so single-focused while taking a stroll, that they literally leave their wives behind. In addition, sometimes a typical Nigerian wife realises that she talked so harshly to her husband. However, while just watching other couples, lessons will be passed across without pointing fingers. Marriage experts recommend a regular date night to maintain a healthy, growing marriage.

Since sex is meant to be a private, exclusive relationship, the main purpose of getaway trips is not to introduce anything that will take a married partner’s focus off his or her spouse but about ways to maximize their limited time. The outcome of such trips make spouses to be more mindful and thankful of what they share together, be appreciative of their partner and of their marriage.

An occasional overnight getaway trip provides couples with the opportunity to rekindle the anniversary sparks, encourage the renewal of vows, and rekindle the blessing of marriage. In some of these trips, authorities provide clergymen who will officially join couples together-  ‘live in couples’ or ‘cohabiting adult’ who secretly wish their union could be legalised.

I was opportune to be in one of the trips sometimes ago, aside the fact that we all had lots of fun, there was a remark from one of the ‘campers’ Mr Rotimi Ololoade  ‘ this is nice, it reminds my wife and I, all those cute little things we used to do when we first started going out? You know, the stuff that made each one of us feel like floating on air while simultaneously making our friends envious of our relationship. Spouses can plan such a surprise for their spouse. It does not matter the stage of the relationship, if your wife is nursing a little baby, arrange with a sitter so that both of you can go out for a romantic getaway. Just the two of you, create time to be re-connected again.  I received an email from a husband a while ago,  who I persuaded to take his wife for a vacation. Did you know that we were so carried away with our daily life schedule that I forgot to give my wife the anniversary gift I got for her last year. But while waiting for our food, at the couples’ resort centre I remembered and quickly presented her with the same gift. This brought both tears and laughter to my wife’s face, and I just realised how such a small gift could make a significant effect on my wife. However, the amazing part of it was the sex treat I got from my wife that night. It was so remarkably tantalizing and the memories have always been with me.

There is one marriage advice that I am ready and willing to put into practice: and that is the recommendation for couples to get away together. Getaway weekends or vacations are great for our marriage. When you hit the road—just the two of you and just for fun—you are building your marriage for today and for your future together. Getting away together reinforces your sense of belonging to one another. You get away from your families, your friends, your work, and neighbourhood contacts, and it is just the two of you ready to share adventures. Then, whatever happens on your trip together happens to the two of you as a team.  In addition, you both will definitely learn some interesting things about each other in the process.

Read Also: How your temperament affects your sexuality (2)

Your time away together gives your personalities free reign for a while. The two of you can make those travel hours your own in whatever ways you like best: sing along with your favourite music, listen to books on cassette, play like a child again. Getway trip helps couples to remember why they got married in the First Place.

Occasional overnight getaway trips remind couples of what they like about each other. It helps take them back the memory lane to when they were dating and they made all that time for one another. Sometimes staying up late talking and organizing fun dates with each other? A getaway vacation gives married couples the same opportunity for talking and playing. It recreates that time when the focus was just on knowing each other better and liking what each person discovers.

One of the participants told me about the recent trips with her husband, she said it reminded her of their many differences—differences she is glad about. “If I were married to someone like me, I’d have a boring, boring life,” she says. “I’d have everything planned and scheduled and marked off in the guidebook.  With Muritala, you never know what a day will bring. It’s wonderful.”

After a few overscheduled trips completely backfired, Muritala and Latifat decided to get away with “low expectations.” Their favourite vacation ever was a few years ago when they travelled from their home to Obudu Ranch by road. “We had no idea how far that was, having come up with the idea in our home without actually asking for detail. It sounded like a fun destination—and it was,” says Latifat. “Allowing a trip just to happen and see where the mood takes us makes for happy campers,” says Latifat. “It’s wonderful having so much uninterrupted time together.”

If you will ask for my sincere opinion, I personally see it as a marriage Check-up, Latifat makes a good point about uninterrupted time together.  She said and I quote, “it is great for getting past the logistical interactions (what is for dinner, who needs the car when, which of us are going to do the school runs this week or feed the baby) down to how we are both feeling about things. On our last road trip together, with no phone to interrupt or household tasks to distract us, Muritala and I had time to get around to how he is really feeling about his freelance work and how I am really doing with the banking job balancing it with mothering and taking care of his age mother.

“We talked about how we felt about our level of busy-ness with the Rotary Club activities. Muritala went so far as to ask something very directly about my marital satisfaction especially our sex life and what—if anything—I thought needed to change. It is not that we never talk like this at home; we do occasionally pull late-nighters to talk about things. It is just that we rarely have the kind of time that a trip allows us to dig into topics more deeply.”

Couples’ time away from work, other activities  and family pressures is an ideal time to gauge whether you’re tackling your day-to-day stresses as a team and where your marriage needs fine-tuning.

It is an ideal time to dream a little dream, that uninterrupted time can lead to sharing your hopes for your future. Blue-sky dreaming about what might be is great for reinforcing couples’ sense of commitment to each other. You are daring to see the years ahead with you in it together, helping each other realize their most cherished hopes.

Monalisa and Jerry are two of our closest friends who actually were connected to each other in one of such trips as singles who later were engaged and married after the trip.  Great things came out of that getaway weekend for them. Even more wonderful, today Monalisa and Jerry are parents to a darling two-year-old named Jemmy.

Well I’m sure you are sincerely planning a date out with your sweetheart, please do and do not conclude until you read the concluding part next week. But before I go, do not forget the next couples cruise with Funmi Akingbade coming up in the second week of December. Prepare to be part of it. Your marriage will never experience a dull moment again, until then I remain your loyal bedroom instructor.

 

QUESTION ONE

I felt a knife-like pain while having sex last week. When I pulled out of my wife, there was blood everywhere. A quick check of my penis revealed that my frenulum had snapped – and it has not healed since. Every time we make love, it starts bleeding again. What is happening?

ANSWER

The frenulum is the skin band that links the foreskin and the skin of the penile shaft. It is the most sensitive part of the penis. It joins the foreskin to the shaft skin of the penis. When it works correctly, it is long enough to allow the foreskin to move freely back and forth over the glans penis when the penis is erect or flaccid. But sometimes men have a short frenulum – a condition known as frenulum breve. A too short frenulum may not be able to withstand the vigorous thrusting actions of sex, and it may sometimes tear under the stress. Kindly see a sex therapist or a doctor, get it treated and your penis – will be back in action!

 

QUESTION TWO

Are there no natural exercises or something to do to cure my erectile dysfunction, I want to explore this first before thinking of the use of drugs.

ANSWER

Kegel exercise can tone the muscles of your reproductive region and can also improve your sex life and cure erectile dysfunction by increasing the blood flow to the muscle of this area and give good sexual agility.

Kegel exercise improves partner satisfaction. In a study of 55 men with erectile dysfunction, 75% improved or regained normal performance by doing Kegel each day. The good news is that you can do Kegel anywhere– in the car, at work, or while watching TV. Or you can incorporate Kegel into many standard exercises, like abdominal stretches. To see results, you’ll need to do Kegel several times a day for 8-12 weeks. One caution: working up a sweat for better sex will only help if you’re on top of any health issues, like diabetes, high blood pressure or heart disease. For men, these conditions are highly linked to erectile dysfunction. Eat a healthy, low-fat diet to keep arteries clear and weight down. Check medications for sexual side effects…especially those for sexual performance anxiety and DDA [dangerous drugs of addiction]. Get proper sleep, and whatever you do, don’t smoke.

 

QUESTION THREE

What is inhibited sexual desire?

ANSWER

Inhibited desire, or loss of libido, refers to a decrease in desire for, or interest in sexual activity. Reduced libido can result from physical or psychological factors. It has been associated with low levels of the hormone testosterone. It also may be caused by psychological problems, such as anxiety and depression; medical illnesses, such as diabetes and high blood pressure; certain medications, including some antidepressants; and relationship difficulties.