I HAVE met and spoken with people, married and single alike, from different racial, economic and cultural backgrounds. About 97 percent of these people present similar sexual challenges. While examining those challenges, l discovered that understanding the differences in an individual’s temperament would go a long way toward solving most of the sexual problems encountered in marriage.

Just as people differ in many ways, so do their sexuality. A major factor that helps to mould the sexuality of a man or woman is his or her inborn temperament. It is the combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affect human behaviour. It is important that married couples do not ignore this fact because it will guide them to handle their sex lives better and adequately.

In addition, I have observed that some temperaments do trigger a higher sex drive than others.

These traits are genetically originated and they are often dependent on factors, such as race, gender, and nationality, among others.

Our temperaments influence everything we do. They influence how we sleep, eat, study and how we make love, even dictate our sexual preferences, responses, turn-offs and how we get attracted to other people sexually.

One thing about the human temperament is that it never changes because it is inborn. Your temper determines who you are. though, it can be influenced and controlled, just as it has strengths and weaknesses that last for a lifetime.

There are four basic temperaments: the sanguine, choleric, melancholic and the phlegmatic. Everybody possesses combinations of at least two or three temperaments. Nevertheless, one’s predominant basic temperament is easily noticeable.

Many things can also affect our basic temperament, such as the influential temperament of those that raised us up, our guardians, teachers, friends and mentors or admirers. For instance, a sanguine wife should naturally respond passionately to lovemaking, but if brought up by a hard and harsh choleric grandmother, although born by a phlegmatic mother, she would definitely act in a different way.

During the dating period, the partner who sees more of a sanguine display will naturally think his future wife will be very hot in bed. However, this may not necessarily be the case. He may receive the greatest shock of his life, no thanks to the temperamental influences she has been exposed to. This combination of temperaments will definitely affect such a woman’s attitude to sex. If the husband lacks patience and understanding of the various temperaments, their marriage will be full of crises, regardless of their sincerity to each other and their efforts to have an exciting and satisfying sex life.

Consider the melancholy wife raised by a loving, thoughtful phlegmatic father who is ever kind and caring. Such a wife will likely be very responsive and warm sexually. Apart from that, she will be very affectionate, more than the predominantly sanguine woman, which has been influenced by a stronger temperament.

Let us quickly run through the four basic temperaments. The analysis of these temperaments will help us study and understand our spouses better. It will help us to deduct information and relate with them accordingly.

The sanguine spouse

The sanguine-dominated spouse has beautiful qualities. He or she is very warm and buoyant in nature, very lively and loves to be in the company of other people. They are naturally noisy, very receptive, and are easily impressed. They are quick to put away unpleasant events and experiences in the past; they are very outgoing and easily lift other people’s spirits. They are fascinating story tellers and hardly lack friends. They genuinely feel for a friend that is passing through difficult times. They make you feel important, wanted and very special, even though such relationships do not last long. They are perfect extroverts.

If you are married to such a person, you should be ready to give adequate attention to his or her cravings and fantasies. People who belong in this group do not want to be neglected sexually. Naturally, they are loving and friendly. At the same time, they are gullible and promiscuous.

If your partner has such a temperament, you must be up and doing sexually by being innovative. Ensure that he or she is sexually satisfied at all times.

The sexual response of the sanguine spouse

Sanguine husbands are so responsive that it does not take much time to get them stimulated or ‘turned on’. Apart from possessing a strong sex appeal and having a great appetite for sex, they are sexually demanding and responsive. Sex is very important to a sanguine husband because he lives in a romantic world.

Sanguine husbands are quite romantic; they dream, talk and play romance and sex. It hurts them when their wives fail to respond to their advances and since they are incapable of accepting ‘no’ for an answer, they tend to seek fulfilment elsewhere. For this reason, women who are married to sanguine men are advised to:

Be loving and responsive; show them they enjoy their sexual appetite; should not refuse their fantasies, cravings and affections. This will help guard against infidelity.

The Sanguine wife has much in common with her male counterpart.

The choleric spouse

Choleric dominated spouses have striking leadership qualities. They are strong-willed, self-sufficient, practical, active, hot and quick natured. They are very independent, decisive, opinionated and often capable of making decisions for themselves and others. They are intensely active people and thrive more on activity.

People in this group do not need external motivation or stimulation to get whatever they want. Instead, they stimulate their spouses with endless ideas, plans, goals and ambitions. They are perfect extroverts and pacesetters.

Choleric spouses demand sex as a personal right, rather than request for it or see it as a mutual decision! The other spouse’s opinion about sex is not as important as theirs. They invite their wives for sex the same way they will invite their secretary for a board meeting or their agent for a new project. This is not deliberate or intentional, but it is so because they hardly express their feelings; their emotional nature is the least developed. They hardly sym pathize nor are easily compassionate. Tears may embarrass the choleric and they are very insensitive to their spouse’s emotional needs.

If you are married to such a person, you need to understand them and be patient with them. Please note that not all the above-enumerated traits may be obvious in a particular choleric all at once due to other temperamental influences they may acquire over the years. However, if you notice some of these, just bear with them, they might change as time goes on.

Choleric spouses are sometimes extremely hostile, they are easily lured into violence and aware that other people are afraid of their anger, they sometimes use wrath as a weapon to get what they want and most people who fall into this category of spouses do not know how to control their anger. They do not mind helping their spouse to enjoy sex as long as they derive enjoyment themselves. If your spouse is predominately choleric and uses this medium to subdue you sexually, do talk it over with him when the coast is clear. Nevertheless, do not forget to be very understanding.

 

QUESTION ONE

I have been married for about 8 years. My wife and I both got married as virgins. We are happily married and have 2 children. Sometime in 2007, I was transferred from Lagos to Abuja, but my wife and children stayed back in Lagos.

I was transferred back to Lagos about five months after and life continued. Three years after, something happened between my wife and I and I asked her whether she had ever had sex outside the matrimonial home. She was quiet and with utmost shock, she said “Yes”. I was devastated. I asked her when it happened and she said it was when I was away to Abuja for 5 months. According to her, she had a 5 month-long affair with a guy (unmarried) and had sex several times. I asked her “Why?” and she said that the guy was always around telling her sweet things. I was more than disappointed and shattered. However, because I love her and the fact that I am a Christian I immediately forgave her and assured her that the incident would not affect my love for her. We held hands, prayed, and asked God for strength. My reaction shocked her because she expected me to fly into a rage, but Christian maturity had the better of me. I found it easy to forgive her not because I had ever cheated on her, but because I know that God too forgives me of all my sins.

The problem I have however is that in my mind I cannot overcome thoughts of another man’s penis entering my wife. It is devas tating. Even when we make love, I imagine the other guy caressing my wife’s intimate parts and discharging in her. It is sad. I wish I could get rid of these thoughts, but they keep coming back. When I think of that infidelity anytime I am in the office, a heavy burden descends on my soul.

I am careful not to allow this to affect my relationship with my wife.  For me it is a secret pain, a very painful secret cross that I carry in my soul.

My wife and I are still best of friends and great lovers; in fact, we make love more regularly than before and we enjoy each other’s company, but I cannot get over thoughts of another man touching and making love to my wife.

The question is, am I normal?

 

ANSWER

First and foremost I want to thank and appreciate your mature approach to this issue by forgiving your wife completely. Few men fall into this category.  You really deserve an award for that. And l want to say that you are perfectly normal and nothing is wrong with you at all, it is just the devil that is trying to magnify the issue and making you unduly dwell on such thoughts just to destroy your home. In addition, l will plead with you never to give him the opportunity. There are practical steps you have to take to release yourself from this hold and they are; first, do all you can to put your though under the control of your will, tell yourself ‘I will think positively’ and any time such negative though comes reject it immediately because the heart of a matter is the matter of the heart. Then tell God to help you to carry out your will because where there is a will there is always a way, whatever your mind can conceive your mind can achieve it. Do not forget that where your attention goes the power flows. I would love to have a feedback if you do not mind,

Mr. joe.

 

QUESTION TWO

My marriage is a competition. It is empty. I am not claiming to be a saint. I know I have my shortcomings but my husband has confidence in everyone else’s abilities except mine. I have tried to do some things but my husband has never given me support like the one a husband will normally do for his wife. I worked briefly before we were married and had to relocate from Lagos to the East. He started having an affair. I was devastated and made the mistake of confronting him. It was turbulent for a while but I later apologized because I was tired of the war. I have never trusted him since then and the truth is that I do not care what he does anymore. I do not love him anymore and that is the truth. I feel nothing for him anymore. In fact, I am wondering why I married him in the first place. He punishes me by withholding sex even for up to 2 months. Even when I touch him, he ignores me and I end up feeling humiliated so I decided to start ignoring him too. Right now, I feel nothing for him and cannot wait for him to get off me when he decides to have sex. I hate him and want to leave. I started having an affair. However, I hate it but it keeps me sane. He is married too I do not expect anything from the affair

 

ANSWER

It seems you have completely given up, lost hope in your marriage and full of bitterness but I’m sure you are not putting a lot of things into consideration. If I may ask, what do you think will be the faith of your children if you live in bitterness and anger can you really be the best for them?

How about your health do you not think it may affect your total well-being? How about your work or business, don’t you think that unforgiveness and bitterness is a ‘gate-way’ for every unproductively, failure, misfortune and heartache? Please for the sake of your children and try to forgive him. Then pray for him. You really can’t tell the extent of the effect of your prayer on him. I’m certain a man who is in his normal sense will not want to deliberately hurt his wife, he is definitely under another influence and that is why your understanding is highly paramount. Please do a rethink and tread the right path. Things will change if you are optimistic.

As a couple, what you don’t know may kill your sex life.

At some point in their marriages, many cease to attach as much importance to sex as they used to. To them, it becomes a mere obligation, not the exciting experience that it is meant to be.

Really it does feel frustrating when spouses can no longer keep the fire in their sex lives aglow. The number one factor responsible is lack of knowledge.

While conducting a research on the sex and sexuality of married couples, I discovered that human sexuality continues to develop and reveal new information on a regular basis. This development is sometimes based on the couple’s personal traits, exposure and beliefs.

Do you know that initiating sexual intercourse is not the only way to express how much you desire your partner? Although eighty percent of married couples report that the husband wants sex more than the wife, this may be a twisted number, partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us on the average think of it as hunger for sex, which is often accompanied with fantasies that prompt us to initiate lovemaking.

It turns out, however, that most women experience a friendly and affectionate type of sexual desire. Research confirms that for many women desire is triggered by thoughts and emotional recollection of past events or arousal. So when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him and he believes that she has no interest in sex because she does not do that, he is actually not giving her enough credit! Most women will respond positively to sexual advances. They just don’t initiate them because that is not the way they are wired.

Since our culture defines sexual desire as that initiating or seeking behavior, we don’t identify a women’s receptivity as desire. But men and women (usually) respond to different types of sexual stimuli and approach their sexuality in different ways.

This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have said to me, ‘I enjoy sex once we are 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, wow! We should do this more often! But during the week I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more sexual than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings.’

Others will say ‘I enjoy sex more whenever I remember one or two affectionate things my husband has done.’

Most of us assume that our partners should act like we do. By recognizing that most men are down-to-earth with sex and most women are not, and then by accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman’s type of sexual desire to count.

While nursing a baby as a mother, breastfeeding has a direct link to sexual frequency. A low sex drive is extremely common after childbirth, and even throughout the first year, particularly in breastfeeding women. Many couples don’t realize the impact childbirth and breastfeeding can have on their sex life. Prolactin, the hormone that produces breast milk, lowers drive, though scientists still cannot tell us why.

Breastfeeding women frequently feel tired and overwhelmed, during the early months of nursing. Yet their husband’s sex drive has not lessened at all. In fact, most times it usually at the highest intensity because the presence of prolactin hormone in a breastfeeding lady makes her look fresh tender and desirable.

Apart from the fact that the woman is tired, her attention usually shifts from him to the baby. Her diminished urge to touch, cuddle or have sex may prompt increased pressure from him, which is typically counter-productive. The result is an increasing gap between what he wants and what she wants.

Many couples, whether breastfeeding or bottle feeding, are not prepared for the multiple changes each baby, especially the first, adds to their relationship. They believe they will pass over those first four to six weeks and then resume their sexual relationship without a hitch. These unrealistic expectations can lead to a great deal of disappointment, frustration, and conflict.

Libido does not usually ‘bounce back’ to the pre-pregnancy stage until several months after a mom quits breastfeeding – sometimes as long as one year after stopping. If couples realize this is common, it might help to discuss when exactly to stop, the pros and cons of breastfeeding and bottle feeding, and the adjustments required to adapt through this time.

Also, most women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. More than sixty percent of women must have direct contact in order to climax. In fact, believing a woman should achieve orgasm through intercourse alone is like expecting a man to reach orgasm by only stroking his testicles.

Do not ignore the facts of anatomy. A woman’s clitoris is similar to the head (glans) of the man’s penis. Often the clitoris isn’t stimulated by intercourse. If the head of the penis wasn’t involved in intercourse, he wouldn’t come very quickly to orgasm either!

This does not mean that it is proper for a man to reach for his wife’s clitoris immediately. Women come in all shapes and sizes physically, emotionally and particularly, sexually, so the only safe way to approach her clitoris is to find out what she wants and likes.

It is only few and rare women that are okay with reaching quickly for their clitoris; most will be offended or turned off if their husband goes straight for it first and skips fondling the non-sexual areas. Like the penis, the clitoris engorges with blood during arousal. Touching her before she is aroused can be unpleasant or even painful for most women.

Again, most women differ greatly in the way they enjoy having their clitoris stimulated, and the manner of doing this can vary during the different stages of lovemaking. It is helpful (and can be fun) for a wife to show her husband how she wants to be stroked by placing her hand over his own and actually putting pressure on his fingers to demonstrate where she likes to be touched, how lightly or firmly, and how slowly or quickly she likes the movements to be.

Do you know that there is a thin line between a turn-on and turn-off? Or that the best sex occurs when a partner knows the difference? You can call them brakes and accelerators. Your sexuality is like driving a car. You cannot go real far, real fast, or without damage, if you are driving with your foot on the brake simultaneously.

Brakes are those things that hinder your arousal or enjoyment of sex. Some common examples include making love when you are exhausted, feeling criticised by your partner, competing with an invisible ex-sex partner or trying to be intimate when your in-laws are staying in the bedroom next door; or when there is just not enough security and privacy.

Accelerators are those things that lead to greater interest and arousal. Some might be feeling rested and relaxed, share compliments and affirmations about each other’s character and body, or daydreaming about positive sexual experiences with spouses. But some of the biggest problems come when one’s spouse thinks he is accelerating, while his mate is feeling the brakes.

One big truth we cannot shy away from is that every couple will face a sexual problem at one point or the other during their marriage. In fact, some estimates say 80 percent of couples will experience a problem so significant that it will be obvious.

Hurts, unforgiveness, depression, grief, stress, medications, illness, exhaustion, pregnancy and childbirth, parenting, spiritual issues, trauma, hormones, diet, lack of exercise (or overdoing strenuous exercise), injury and many other things affect our sexuality.

Added to that reality is the fact that all marriages will experience conflict. Since sexual intimacy is one of the first arenas where marital conflict manifests, it is safe to say all couples will have problems to solve in their sex lives at some point. That’s why couples can’t afford to be ignorant about some basics.

QUESTION ONE

I am a medical doctor in my fourth year of marriage with two children. Before marriage I was a playboy and loved having sex a lot. I also know that I am good at satisfying ladies’ sexual desires.

I had two months of ecstatic lovemaking with my wife before we got married. Then, we couldn’t just have enough of each other. But she has gradually lost interest in sex. I have tried many tricks and efforts to help her rediscover interest, but when she seems to start picking up, she would fall back again. At times, she really shows all the eagerness to improve on her love making, but this never lasts. I am also a man who would like a woman to initiate sex once in a while, otherwise, it becomes boring. Is sexual intercourse twice in a week too much? I love my wife and I don’t want to engage in extra-marital affairs.

I can understand you perfectly well, but have you taken time to discuss this issue with your wife in detail as you have done now? Secondly, have you taken time out to really understudy female sexuality and behavior – especially your wife’s peculiar preferences, coupled with her temperament? I am asking because you are well educated. I am sure that if you do this, half the job is done. Besides, is she in her child rearing years? Does she have anyone to help with house chores? If a woman is over-burdened with domestic work and raising children, she can’t be the kind of sex partner you desire.

Also, how do you handle affection, attention, compassion and love play? Do you skip all these or see them as unnecessary? If yes, your wife will always look for avenues to give excuses. A wife will give everything to get her husband’s affection, attention and expressed love, not sex.

Remember when you easily gain access into a woman’s heart she will open her legs any time of the day.

QUESTION TWO

I have a very close knit marriage relationship. But I am old fashioned about sex. I am in my late 30s, but I don’t believe that I should make the first move, no matter my sexual urge. Recently, I discovered that the frequency of our lovemaking has dropped and we are not really talking about it. It wasn’t like this before?

You said you don’t believe you should initiate sex in your marriage. I think it is a wrong way of thinking. Lots of men love and enjoy to be invited for sex by their wives. It is one of their fantasies. Besides, it enhances intimacy. That may be one of the reasons why the frequency of your lovemaking dropped. You must work on your sex life. Men can’t stay off sex for too long. If their urge is not satisfied at home, it will be definitely met elsewhere. Please, don’t be a fool and naïve. You need to spice up your sex bed.

QUESTION THREE

After I gave birth my husband now thinks am wider and can’t sustain the tightness he needs to keep staying on. What do I do to become tighter? Can you tell me what to do to arouse him seriously? We have been married for nine years and are practicing Christians by God’s Grace. We know the importance of the communion. I want to surprise him and need your help urgently. We will be on vacation soon and plan to spend a week away alone.

Concerning the issue of the wide vagina you need Kegel or pelvic wall exercise. This is locating, exercising and controlling the muscles which control the vagina and the bladder of the woman popularly called the pubococcgeus muscle.

Procedure: It can be easily practiced while passing urine, because it is the same muscle that controls the urethra (i.e. the urine pipe) that controls the vagina wall. While urinating in the WC toilet, spread your kneels far apart and imaginarily divide the urine into three parts and then stop the flow of the first part for a couple of seconds. Try counting 1-10 or 1-20 or 1-30 or 1-40, after that start urinating again and stop; then urinate again and stop.

Repetition of this stopping, starting and counting until the bladder is empty helps you to exercise the muscle and to differentiate the ‘P.C. cord’ from the muscles of the thigh, abdomen and the diaphragm. Each time you do this you are practicing the Kegel exercise. You can increase the count as time goes on to 1-50, 1-60 as you get accustomed to the muscle.

It is advisable to do the Kegel exercise at least 40 times in a day. Make it a habit. This exercise addresses common complaints some husbands have concerning looseness of the vagina wall of their wives due following multiple child-births.

Each time couples come to me for counseling, I am always surprised that some of them still cling tenaciously to old wife’s fables, when it comes to sex and sexuality.

For instance, a man told me that men who desire children should wear boxer-styled shorts and loose-fitting pants all the time, so that their testicles – the sperm-producing organs – are not constricted. But constriction is not the problem.

The truth is that testicles are outside the body, because high body temperature may negatively impact sperm production. Therefore, wearing loose-fitting underwear is advisable. Men who are concerned about their fertility should also avoid staying too long in very hot weather.

The heat generated from laptops held in male laps can also cause low sperm count, which can make it difficult for them to father a child. It is always advisable that anytime a man wants to use the laptop, it should be placed on a desk or table. Of course, enlarged varicose veins in the scrotum, injury to the testicles, including damage done by bike-riding and so on, can also negatively impact on a man’s fertility.

Nowadays, many people mess around because they believe that sex with the same spouse could be boring. This is a pure lie. Sex with the same spouse could be interesting if only you want it to be. Research shows that people who have been married for a long time have the most frequent and satisfying sex lives. That’s because committed couples trust each other enough to express their deepest desires. Moreover, the emotional connection established over the years allows for erotic levels of intimacy. Since sex is often as much about trust as it is about chemistry, long-term relationships offer the possibility of a high-quality (and high-quantity) sex life.

That men crave for sex more that women may not really be true, because many women want sex more than their male counterparts. It’s not that women don’t crave a good erotic, breath-taking and explorative sex; it’s just that the mechanics of getting turned-on are a little more complicated for women than for a man. When a man wants to have sex, it’s the only thing on his mind. In women, the libido tends to be more easily distracted.

Therefore, for men to get more time in bed with their wives, they should simply try to be affectionate.

Some have said that good sex can make up for bad communication. There is no truth in this because what is required is two-way communication, and not just a few sessions of hot and passionate sex. Communication meltdown and tense conversations occur when people feel threatened. Couples should do everything possible to make each other emotionally safe and appreciated. Deep emotional connection enhances good sexual connection.

Sex without good two-way communication between partners is mere second degree prostitution.

Most husbands believe that the best sex occurs when the man takes the lead as the head of the home, while wives are to submissively play along, so that they won’t be tagged ‘spoilt.’ No. Sex between couples is team work, and not a one-man show. As such, it’s most titillating when both partners are getting their needs met, and fantasies realised.

Research shows that the best sex is achieved when the man allows his partner to have a lot of influence over their love-making experience. Husbands should encourage their wives to express themselves about their wants and needs. Fulfilling another’s desires can sometimes be the secret to spectacular sex.

Most times, I tell husbands that they undermine the sexual capabilities of their wives while taking the lead all the time. Tonight, husbands, give your wife the opportunity to take the lead. You will be surprised that there is a humble tiger in her.

The belief that the best sex is spontaneous is relative, you never can tell. The truth is that some of the best sex that couples have is scheduled and planned. Though it may sound routine, scheduled sex can be an advantage for a busy, sex-starved couple; waiting for that spur-of-the-moment escapade that sometimes never comes.

The appointment doesn’t necessarily have to be on date night; it can simply be something to look forward to on an otherwise-average evenings, once other members of the household are out of sight. Please, make sure they are really out of sight to prevent embarrassment.

It is a popular saying that sex should start when the husband gets an erection. On the contrary, good sex for a woman often begins long before the moment of her partner’s full salute. It’s the gentle caresses and loving attitude that are essential to great sex for a woman.

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Satisfying sex for both partners begins with foreplay, whether it is fast and fun or drawn-out and sensual. But men who give their wives affection throughout the day, make things pleasurable for them and act thoughtfully are more likely to be lucky most nights.

It is far from truth when people say that happy marriage means that couples won’t be tempted, especially when they occupy a high religious position.

Most single ladies believe that the ‘ideal’ husband is a God-fearing man, or simply put, a ‘man of God.’ I often make them realise that even the so-called ‘God-fearing’ husbands are not exempted from temptations. They are, and will be tempted, because they do not walk around the place blindfolded. They see what every other person sees. It’s not the temptation that signals a problem in a man or woman in a marital relationship, it’s succumbing to it.

Every man faces temptations, no matter how healthy and strong his relationship with his wife is, or no matter how strong and powerful his relationship with God is. Whether he is a ‘man of God’ or ‘servant of God,’ a loving relationship can’t gag against flirtatious co-workers or attractive acquaintances. But men do have the ability to control their urges and prevent falling into temptations. Ask for the grace and strength to overcome such temptations.

Keeping the pictures of your spouse and family in your office, cell phones, wallets, and most importantly, in your heart could be a reminder of one’s relationship and commitment. Remember, the matter of the heart is the heart of the matter. Treasure your partner in the sacred place of your heart and no other person will be able to occupy that special space.

QUESTION ONE

I am a young woman with inverted nipples and this has been giving me much concern as I see it as abnormal. I don’t know what to do about it?

You need to see a medical doctor, who would instruct you on what to do. You have no cause to fear.

QUESTION TWO

What are the negative effects of sexual abstinence? Is there any side effect if a lady or a guy refuses to have sex for over thirty years? Will the man’s sperm not dry up in his body or the lady’s vagina be sealed forever?

The human body is designed to adapt to changes. A guy’s sperm cannot dry up and a lady’s vagina cannot be sealed simply on account of sexual abstinence. The body system is designed to take care of such eventualities.

QUESTION THREE

How do hemorrhoids or piles affect a man’s ability to engage in sexual intercourse in men?

They affect sexual intercourse in men because of the location of the hemorrhoid and the pain men feel while having penetrative sex. Sometimes, the pain may be so unbearable, especially when the penetrative sex is vigorously done. This is because hemorrhoids are painful, swollen veins in the lower portion of the rectum or anus.

A person having this will experience an itching anus, anal ache or pain during bowel movements. The most common cause is straining during bowel movements. Hemorrhoids may result from constipation, sitting for long periods of time, and anal infections. In some cases, they can be caused by other diseases, such as liver cirrhosis. Internal hemorrhoids occur just inside the anus, at the beginning of the rectum. External hemorrhoids occur at the anal opening and may hang outside the anus.

Over-the-counter corticosteroid creams can reduce pain and swelling. Use cotton undergarments, avoid using hard toilet tissue with perfumes or colors, and try not to scratch the area. Sitz baths can help you to feel better. Sit in warm water for 10 to 15 minutes. Take lots of vegetables and fruits to prevent constipation. If the condition persists, contact a doctor.

QUESTION FOUR

I have been having some problems in my home, particularly when it comes to love making with my wife. She is the type that doesn’t like that word intercourse. She’s always scared of making love with me. She also has these painful menstrual pains. If she manages to give it to me once a week, I thank God. We have been married for two years now without a child. I work offshore – one month in, one month out. I don’t enjoy her when I’m at home. Sometimes, we quarrel because of this and it is driving me mad. Sometimes, I feel like keeping another woman out for my pleasure, but I can’t because I love my wife and I’m a Christian. Please what can I do?

I can feel your frustration, and I know how men feel when they are denied of sex. As I always tell others, be patient with her. Try to explain your frustration to her and do that lovingly. No woman in her right frame of mind would want to deliberately destroy her home, except a foolish one. Tell her again and again how much you desire good sex. Help her out with her daily house chores that can task her energy and also allow her to take a lead whenever you want to have sex. I am sure these pieces of advice would be of help.

QUESTION FIVE

I sincerely need your advice on what I could do to regain my strength as a man. I am 37-years-old and I have the challenge of maintaining erection for more than two minutes after penetration. What really bothers me is the fact that my recovery time for another erection takes more than ages and sometimes my wife would have been long gone before I am back in the mood again. My greatest challenge is the fact that I can’t satisfy my woman any longer. Please, advise me on which doctor to meet that will appreciate the enormity of my travails and properly diagnose my problem.

There are lots of experienced doctors in the private and public sectors. You can visit some of the government teaching hospitals for help.

RECENTLY, outside the shores of Nigeria, I bumped into Lanre and Chimdi, who used to come for counseling at my Nigerian office while they were still single. Being familiar faces in a strange land, we ended up becoming quite close.

As usual, l wanted to know how they were faring as husband and wife living in a foreign land, with a different culture and norms. From all indications, after living together as couples for some years, things were not as envisaged and they were finding it a bit challenging to adapt to the situation.

During their counseling classes, I could remember asking them to list five habits or personality traits about each other that they found annoying, that can hinder the growth of oneness in the union, and invariably affect their sex life.

Lanre in particular was a bit embarrassed because she just stared at her blank piece of paper and said, “Honestly, nothing about Chimdi annoys me, he is the perfect type of man any lady would dream to have.”

But ten years after marriage, the reverse is the case. Few days ago, I was invited to their ten-year wedding anniversary and both of them admitted that they were not enjoying the relationship anymore, especially their sex life. As far as Lanre is concerned, theirs is a sexless marriage because Chimdi has given up on her, and settled with a sex partner outside the matrimonial home. Little issues have clouded the beautiful relationship they once had.

The list of Chimdi’s accusations had also grown, primarily because of the stress of his wife managing two kids. He complained that the kids were more or less his wife’s first husband.

The husband, who did not know how to get his wife to understand his own sexual need became frustrated and moved on with another woman, though he still claimed to love his wife.

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Well, at the beginning of the marital relationship, every couple wishes that the romance, affection and head-in-the-clouds love could last forever. But at some point, every husband and wife must cross the invisible line between fantasy and real life.

Even in the Bible, many marriages crossed that line as problems threatened to erode their intimacy. For instance, in the Song of Songs 2:15, the couple prayed, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” The wife, in particular, declared, “We’ve got problems. Can’t you see those little foxes? They’re going to ruin everything for us. Do something about this.”

Before this time, everything seemed perfect, until the wife started noticing some little foxes in their vineyard, and warned her husband of their presence. The plain truth about insignificant issues is that while they appear harmless, such things like foxes dig holes and passages around the vines and prevent them from developing a stable root system. In this instance, that root system is their intimacy.

The little foxes in this passage symbolize the small problems that bite at the root of their love and sexual intimacy.

The same goes for a married couple; they must always catch these foxes because if they don’t, these insignificant things will destroy their desire for one another, and the moment this is done, the foundation for progress becomes sick, rotten and open to destruction.

A recent magazine showed a husband and wife in bed, dressed in full-length pajamas and old ‘T’ shirt. The husband was staring blankly at his laptop while the wife was busy with her manicure. A camera was recording the expression on her face and the inscription on the magazine read “No sex please, we are married.” Other inscriptions asked: “Are stress, house chores, children, in-laws and work killing your romance and intimacy?”

I am sure you want to know the answer. Yes! Stress is eating many couples’ sex life by the day! Also, two very common and deadly insignificant issues or intimacy killers for married couples are work and kids.

Work, work, work! According to a research, former United States Labour Secretary, Robert Reich, says Americans worked 350 hours more this year than last year, and this upward trend continues: the result is neglected marriages. Unfortunately, there is no data on a typical Nigerian worker. But the fact still remains that the outcome is likely the same thing all over.

For instance, you can imagine if Chimdi works 75 hours a week under the guise of providing for his family. Lanre’s request that he should spend more time at home would provoke strong emotion, in spite of the fact that she’s also working tirelessly most times both at home and office.

There is the possibility of anger in the family when sex is in low supply. The dejected and unhappy woman may be prompted to ask “doesn’t he understand I am under pressure? Does he want to kill me?” On the other hand, the man would be miserable and fed up when turned down sexually wondering “Is she not aware that she’s so insensitive to my needs?”

Men are not the only ones who suffer from overwork. Women who are employed full time are usually still the main family and house managers. Unfortunately, constant connections with the outside world can disconnect us from our mate.

Naturally, one may think that a housewife would have time on her hands. But she must manage the household, teach home lesson, sell cosmetics and still take care of the children. Though she stays at home, a mother does more work than a regular office worker. If you accidentally ask “how’s your sex life?” she may likely retort “which sex?”

No doubt, children are the joy of parents. But may I be permitted to say that they are quite demanding. First, couples get married and then kids start rolling in. Problems surface when couples reverse this order. We best serve our children when we make the marriage our first priority.

Children, who are gifts from God and joy of parents, require constant care. But at the same time their arrival diminishes opportunities for intimacy.

Catherine told me: “I’ve got three children ranging from six months to four years. I’m so exhausted from them pulling me all day that by bedtime I can hardly move. Then my husband wants sex and he wonders why I’m irritated. The last thing I need is another person pulling on my worn-out body.” Somebody once said “sex makes little kids. Kids make little sex.”

In our busy, stress-filled lives, we race from work and children to marriage, and in the process, we end up putting out love fires, rather than living by priority. Someone described it this way: “We keep saying we’ll find time for us – next year will be different, the kids will be older, work commitments will be different. We’ve been saying these things for five years and nothing has changed. We’ve finally realised we must find time today, this week, not next year.”

Perhaps, part of the problem is our perspective. It isn’t about finding time; it’s about making time.

So what do we do about work and kids? How can we catch that insignificant moment and recapture intimacy?

Just find the time together, sit down together with your calendars. Across the top of a piece of paper, write the name of each family member, making a column for each. List the activities associated with each person, and how much time that activity takes each week. Be sure to include transportation time as well as time spent in planning or preparing for the activity.

Your goal is to review all your current activities, so that you can recover a minimum of two hours a week and one weekend a year that the two of you devote to each other.

To accomplish this goal, you’ll need to eliminate or curtail certain activities on your list. Review each activity and ask these questions: Can this be eliminated from our schedule? If not, how can we minimize its drain on our time? Discuss how you can grab two hours a week to focus on each other, and mark out that time on your schedule.

Ask those that have been married before you; you can visit one or two older couples whose marriages you respect. Ask them questions such as: How did you keep your marriage a priority? How did you make time for intimacy? What’s your most memorable romantic time together? What suggestions do you have for us as a couple? Is there anything you’d change about the priority you placed on your relationship?

Their wisdom will inspire you to create marriage minutes together. Go ahead and also brainstorm with couples within your age bracket. Organise a time out together and invite couples who are also interested in doing same. Ask every couple to be prepared to share three creative things they’ve done to grab marriage minutes. Compile a master list and wisely apply them to your home.

Stay off irrelevant activities and you’ll be shocked how much time you’ll have for romance and sex when you turn off your computer, television set and your mobile phone whenever you are in bed together. Try it for one week and see the difference it makes in finding time to enjoy passionate sex and intimacy.

When curious teenagers fill the house and won’t go to bed before midnight, it can short-circuit your love life. Once in a while, you can leave your teenagers with a worthwhile game or a good movie. You can pack a few clothes, a CD player and scented lotion, and go to a nearby hotel from 8-11 p.m. You’ll be amazed at how much loving and talking you can do with no ringing phones! It’s cheaper than dinner out and a movie – and more fun!

QUESTION ONE

Just this morning my husband told me I always freeze up whenever he tries to be romantic. My marriage is just about a year old and I must say it has not been easy sexually for both of us. My husband is quite considerate and gentle but I’m the problem. When he’s away I long for his touches, but when he’s around I just don’t enjoy sex. If I found out he’s having an affair and I can’t complain because I know I am not satisfying him. Please help me out. I want to improve my sex life.

I must say you were a little bit careless about your relationship and you took a lot of things for granted. But never the less there is hope if you will try as hard as possible. First, you need to try and explain to your husband that your actions were not deliberate and that you were sorry for your actions and that you are ready to make amendments.

When it comes to frigidity l always tell ladies that it is more of a matter of the mind than the body, so you have to make up your mind that you are not abnormal: what the mind can conceive the body can achieve. Then take time to tell yourself you will not only satisfy your husband sexually but you will make him beg for more. If you put your attention to these thoughts your inner power will flow there and you will see that sex with your husband will be like living in paradise.

QUESTION TWO

My wife is about five months pregnant and our sex life has dwindled a lot. I understand how it is, so I don’t complain. Is there any way I can help increase her interest? In what particular way should we have sex so that she won’t be hurt physically?

Pregnancy brings a lot of changes to the body of the woman, her taste and preferences. This is the time that the husband should be very understanding and supportive. Make sure you help out in the normal daily chores your wife is faced with. Then, take time out to ask her, ‘her take’ concerning sex at this crucial stage. This will help you to know what to do as per initiating it. Then, explain to her that you may not be able to stand a long sabbatical leave as a man.

There are also some positions you both can engage in sexually that will not be harmful to the baby and the mother. But you have to be gentle and don’t expect penetrative sex at this time to be as when she was not pregnant.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE

 

Everyday, I receive countless e-mails asking me questions that border on the expansion of the vagina wall, premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. One of my usual prescriptions is that people should engage in more pelvic wall exercise.

The effects of good physical exercise on effective sexual behaviour cannot be discarded. Apart from the fact that good physical exercise produces a healthy and well-shaped body, energy, quick step, nice posture and a bearing that suggests confidence and enthusiasm, it also promotes good sex.

There is something magnetic and radiant about an individual who moves, walks, sits and stands with natural grace, elegance and poise. Physical exercise increases the flow of oxygen into the body by promoting weight loss. It also helps to reduce body fat, eradicate snoring, decrease the risk of cardiovascular disease and lowers the blood pressure.

Moreover, it helps to decrease insulin use in diabetics, prevents osteoporosis, and reduces the risk of age-related diseases and depression.

Physical activity is one of the most important factors that aid good sex. Regular exercise makes you to look young and healthy, keeps your body in shape and provides you with the energy and stamina needed to engage in any form of sexual positioning. Physical exercise does not only prolong sex, it also improves the quality of one’s life. With regular exercise, one will notice a difference in one’s breathing, stamina and balance.

Regular physical activity fortifies the immune system and helps to avoid or recover more quickly from cold and other minor maladies. It can also help to prevent or reverse many chronic conditions associated with aging. An inactive couple loses muscle tone and strength; their bones lose density and become prone to fracture. This explains why such couples cannot practice certain desired positions for fear of damage to their muscles and bones.

Such couples are usually overweight, and this excessive weight definitely adds stress to both the heart and the skeletal support structure. But with good exercise, fats are burnt, muscles are built, bone strength is restored as the muscles and bones take up their supportive positions; even the strain on the cardiovascular muscles and the skeleton decreases automatically. The efficiency of the heart and lungs increases if you add some flexible exercises to your daily routine.

Invariably, it has the tendency to add freshness to your sex life. This is based on the fact that the mobility of your joints will become improved and you will be relieved of back and joint pains. So during leisure time, indulge in physical activity. Inactivity has several negative health consequences.

Do you know that walking briskly for 30 minutes each day and walking a brisk pace for three or more hours a week can reduce the risk of coronary heart diseases by 60%, delay the ageing process, control the weight, help you feel happier, less anxious and enable you to sleep better? Since our bodies are designed to respond to physically demanding situations, physical exercise puts fitness and much needed leanness back into your life.

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The only way to prove this right is to try it consistently for a month. You will definitely notice the great difference. In case you are just seeing the need for regular exercise, start slowly and increase the exercises as time progresses. To plan a good exercise, you must make sure you draw a balance between too much and too little exercises. Stretch your body, walk briskly or run slowly. However, make sure that you do not put on high heeled shoes or tights clothes.

Your strengthened muscles support your spine better and help you to rotate easily while making love. A combination of healthy bones and muscles help you to keep your balance with more agility and grace and maintain a healthy and youthful appearance, which makes you feel good about yourself. When you feel good inside, it radiates outside. And since regular exercises make you feel good, you will be undeniably better off sexually.

The energy you gain as you increase your strength and flexibility will definitely spill over into other areas of your life, allow you to passionately give yourself to your spouse unhindered and also pursue your favorite life activities. And as you work towards bringing freshness to your matrimonial bed and making your spouse happier and pleasing, you will find your self-esteem and confidence growing. Your marriage will be healthier and you will have a better mindset.

The part of the body that mostly repulses couples (the wife in particular) is the protruding tummy and the pendulous breast that makes the woman look shapeless, repulsive, unfeminine and un-sexy. This is so because the abdominal, pelvic, and virginal muscles have been stretched from pregnancy to birth. All that is needed is to adjust your posture through exercise.

Pelvic workout or kegel exercise is one of the magic exercise that help prevent some of these sexual challenges. Kegel exercises are designed specifically to strengthen a woman’s pelvic musculature. Basically, this involves contracting the pelvic sling of muscles as you would to stop urination. It is locating, exercising and controlling the muscles which control the vagina and the bladder of the woman popularly called the pubococcgeus muscle or the [P.C. cord]. It is an important and major muscle that helps the couples to enjoy sex better

Procedure: It can be easily practised while passing urine, because it is the same muscle that controls the urethra (i.e. the urine pipe) that controls the vagina wall. While urinating in the WC toilet, spread your knees far apart and imaginarily divide the urine into three parts and then stop the flow of the first part urine for a couple of seconds and try counting 1-10 or 1-20 or 1-30 or 1-40. After that, start urinating again and stop; then urinate again and stop.

Repetition of this stopping and starting and counting until the bladder is empty helps you exercise the muscle and helps you to differentiate the ‘P.C. cord’ from the muscles of the thigh, abdomen and the diaphragm. Each time you practise this, you are practising Kegel exercise. You can increase the count as time goes on to 1-50, 1-60 as you get accustomed to the muscle.

If you miss the procedure, you will not get the desired result. Remember that at the initial stage, your knees must be far apart. If not, you might be making use of your abdominal muscles. But with frequent practice, you will be able to practice Kegel exercise while standing up or bending or busy doing any other thing.

It is advisable to practice Kegel exercise at least 40 times in a day. Make it a habit; it will become a lifestyle. This exercise handles common complaints some husbands give concerning looseness of the vagina wall of their wives due to multiple child-births. The good news about kegel exercise is that, it is also good for men to help prevent premature ejaculation, primary erectile dysfunction and also urinary incontinence.