By Funmi Akingbade

Couples in long-term relationships sometimes crave excitement and stimulation, but do not know how to get it with their partners. But they can get that by pushing their comfort zone.

For example, if you are used to the missionary position, that may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; if you are used to stimulation by body parts alone, it may mean putting on some silky night dress.

You can even go as far as flirting with your spouse. There are various styles of flirtation and understanding how you communicate romantic interest may help you improve excitement, creativity and passion.

Are you an introvert husband, with a perfect understanding of whom your wife is, well, you can bring out the excitement in your sex life by flirting with her in a more traditional way. Take the lead while she maintains her usual passive role.

There is a physical style of flirting; this involves communicating sexual interest to your spouse. This form of flirtation typically leads to a more warmth, passionate sex and has greater chemistry and emotional connection.

Wives score higher with sincere flirtation. This style of flirting involves communicating sincere interest and a desire for stronger excitement and passion.

Voice/sound are good keys in sexual stimulation and attraction. Studies have shown that men and women use lower-pitched voice to indicate sexual attraction. Lowering your voice while flirting with your spouse can be great for erotic communication.

While a great deal of sexual stimulation and appeal may revolve around the visual, evidence suggests sounds are just as important. Voices can communicate a great deal of sensual and sexy information that can be either a turn-on or a turnoff. When spouse use a lower-pitch voice in communicating anything it shows a higher level of penile and clitoral arousal.

Most times when couples are advised to try out different kinds of sex, they complain of dead desire. Experts say that a lack of interest in making love is not unusual in couples as many think.

Up to 43% of women expressed a loss of sexual desire, beginning as young as age 36. Similarly, up to 36% of married women who were having sex reported they were not enjoying it.

Here are a few comments: “I used to enjoy making love with my husband but now it’s something I do just to get him off my back. I cannot figure out where my sex drive went or how to get it back.” “Once my husband and I ‘get started,’ I really enjoy our sex life. The problem is I just don’t ever want to get started.” “I always thought my husband and I would be making love until we were 90. But I just turned 39 and my libido is nowhere to be found.”

If these issues sound familiar, you are clearly not alone. “A disappearing sex drive is a common problem – most times in married women as young as in their 30’s – and it has almost reached an epidemic level.

Understanding your sex drive as a wife would help tremendously. For some women, low sex drive or even the inability to have sex may be connected to specific problems such as illness, medications, or sometimes even a specific physical problem related to intercourse.

It can also be because of hormonal changes that begin in the 40’s. A lack of vagina lubrication, for example, makes sex less comfortable and over time that can dampen desire.

For some women all it takes is a little dab of either lubricant or oestrogen cream on the clitoral area. You cannot believe how many women suffer, not realizing how easily this problem can be solved.

For many others the lack of libido is closely associated to the complex emotional interplay that makes up a woman’s sex drive.  If a woman is upset, confused, tired, if she is feeling overworked and under-appreciated, lubricant is not going to be enough to make her feel like having sex.

Moreover, studies have found that even when a woman’s body is turned on, she will not recognize it if she is not emotionally open to making love. Even when measurements of vaginal lubrication confirmed sexual excitement, a woman would not perceive desire if she was not in touch with the idea of being turned on.

Listen, with the TV off. True listening can reduce conflict, boost trust, and lead to a more satisfying sex life. Listening may sound simple, but it requires more than being in the same room while your better half is speaking. Signal that you care by turning off the television, offering your undivided attention and making eye contact. In addition, do not forget to follow up on what you hear.

This is particularly important when your partner is upset. If you listen carefully, you are more likely to understand the problem and find a way to help and have the best of sex.

Most marriage/sex therapists focus on “active listening,” which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse’s feedback.  Be nice to your partner, make small gestures, but make them often. “The little things matter,” a happy marriage and good sex is based on deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect. Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be fruitfully discussed.

A long-lasting, happy sex life is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, “for every one negative thing you do sexually, there must be five positive passionate and erotic ones to balance it out, so your marriage and sex life have to be heavily in favour of the positives.”

Read Also: Creative couples enjoys outstanding sex life

Cuddling and caressing help boost satisfaction, aid sexual excitement, in long-term relationships according to a new study of middle-aged and older couples. The study also found that tenderness is more important to men than to women. Men are more likely to report being happy in their relationship, and that women are more likely to be satisfied with their sexual relationship, said the researchers from the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

The study included more than 1,000 couples from the United States, Brazil, Germany, Japan and Spain who had been together for an average of 25 years. The participants were 43- to 70-year-old men and their wives.

Men were more likely to be happy in a relationship if they were in good health and it was important to them that their wives experienced orgasm during sex. Frequent cuddling and kissing projected relationship happiness for these couples.

Both women and men were happier the longer they had been together and if they had higher levels of sexual functioning, the investigators found. Japanese men and women were significantly happier with their relationships than Americans, who were happier than Brazilians and Spaniards, according to Kinsey Institute director Julia Heiman and colleagues.

Sexual satisfaction for both women and men was associated with frequent kissing and cuddling, sexual caressing by a partner, high sexual functioning, and frequent sex. Sexual satisfaction for married women increased over time.

Those who had been with their husbands for less than 15 years were less likely to be sexually satisfied, but satisfaction increased significantly after 15 years. “Possibly, women become more satisfied over time because their expectations change, or life changes with the children grown.”

QUESTION ONE

I think my wife loves sex more than life; she craves for sex like one is grasping for breath. It so bad I cannot leave her with friends because they (my friends compliant that my wife harasses them sexually). Is she a sex addict? Is there a way I can help her? My family is in support that I put her away. What do you suggest?

I suggest you help your wife out of her addiction and not put her away. The term “sexual addiction” is used to describe the behaviour of a person who has an unusually intense sex drive or an obsession with sex. Sex and the thought of sex tend to dominate the addict’s thinking, making it difficult to work or engage in healthy marital relationships.

Addicts engage in distorted thinking, often rationalizing and justifying their behaviour and blaming others for problems. They generally deny they have a problem and make excuses for their actions.

Sexual addiction also is associated with risk-taking. A person with this challenge engages in various forms of sexual activity, despite the potential for negative and/or dangerous consequences. In addition to damaging the addict’s marital relationship and interfering with his or her work and life, addiction also puts the person at risk of emotional and physical injury.

Behaviour associated with sexual addiction include: compulsive masturbation (self-stimulation), multiple affairs (extra-marital affairs), multiple or anonymous sexual partners and/or one-night stands, consistent use of pornography, phone or computer sex (cybersex), prostitution or use of prostitutes and sexual harassment.

QUESTION TWO

What is the life cycle of a penis? I am not too comfortable with the functionality of my penis as declines by the day. When I hear how vibrant others are, I tend to be very sad. What do you have to say?

It is no secret that a man’s sexual function declines with age when adequate care, nurture and attention is not given to it. As a man’s testosterone level falls, it takes more to arouse him. Once aroused, he takes longer to get an erection and to achieve orgasm and following orgasm, to become aroused again. Age, un-wholesome diet brings marked declines in semen volume and sperm quality. Erectile dysfunction (ED), or impotence, is clearly linked to advancing years; between the ages of 40 and 70, the percentage of potent men falls from 60% to roughly 30%, studies show.

Men also experience a gradual decline in urinary function. Studies show that a man’s urine stream weakens over time, the consequence of weakened bladder muscles and, in many cases, prostate enlargement.

In addition, recent research confirms what men have long suspected and, in some cases, feared: that the penis itself undergoes significant changes as a man moves from his sexual prime – around age 30 for most guys – into middle age and on to his dotage. There are two major changes: the head of the penis (glans) gradually loses its purplish colour, the result of reduced blood flow. In addition, there is a slow loss of pubic hair. As testosterone wanes, the penis gradually reverts to its pre-pubertal, mostly hairless.

Weight gain is common, as men grow older. As fat accumulates on the lower abdomen the apparent size of the penis changes. “A large pre-pubic fat pad makes the penile shaft look shorter, in some cases; abdominal fat all but buries the penis. One way I motivate my overweight patients is by telling them that they can appear to gain up to an inch in size simply by losing weight.”

In addition to this apparent shrinkage (which is reversible), the penis tends to undergo an actual (and irreversible) reduction in size. The reduction – in both length and thickness – typically is not dramatic but may be noticeable. “If a man’s erect penis is 6 inches long when he is in his 30s, it might be 5 or 5-and-a-half inches when he reaches his 60s or 70s

What causes the penis to shrink? At least two mechanisms are involved. One is the slow deposition of fatty substances (plaques) inside tiny arteries in the penis, which impairs blood flow to the organ. This process, known as atherosclerosis, is the same one that contributes to blockages inside the coronary arteries – a leading cause of heart attack. Another mechanism involves the gradual build-up of relatively inelastic collagen (scar tissue) within the stretchy fibrous sheath that surrounds the erection chambers. Erections occur when these chambers fill with blood. Blockages within the penile arteries – and increasingly inelastic chambers – mean smaller erections. However, Chinese herbs can do wonders for the shrinking and dysfunctional organ.

By Funmi Akingbade

ADDICTION is an uncontrollable behaviour. It implies a strong desire. Therefore, an addict is someone who is so interested in something, that he or she finds it difficult to stop.

Also, an addictive activity is something that one enjoys so much to the extent that it becomes unstoppable. It normally starts as a hobby, but later, the urge gets so intense that the person cannot do without it.

So, sex addiction is so much attachment to sex, that the person involved finds it difficult to stay without it.

According to researchers, some categories of people see sex as a major means of coping with stress. The sex addict spends a lot of time in pursuit of his or her sexual desire or fantasy.

Why do people become sexually addicted? According to experts, it is difficult to give a particular reason as sex addicts have different reasons for their overindulgence in sexual activities. But generally, there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons.

The biological addict is someone who has conditioned his or her body to receive endorphins and other forms of brain chemicals primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state, with the ejaculation, that supplies these chemicals to their brain. Because the brain and body have been subjected to such act, it becomes a normal way of life for such an individual.

Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance. The early addict therefore adopts the sex medicine in place of alcohol or drugs.

Sometimes, an infant starts playing with his or her sex organs, as a means of escaping from rejection, pain or fear, and if not cautioned or stopped, such behaviour becomes a habit that cannot easily be stopped.

Spiritually, a person uses sex addiction to fill the place of God in their lives. Addiction comforts them, celebrates them and is always available as the way out. Some of these people may be addicted on one or two or all the levels. This explains why visiting a specialist is the best route to recovery.

What’s the difference between sex addiction and high sex drive? I have heard this question discussed on almost every national talk-show. A person with high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix or something; when their spouse says “no” it doesn’t make them go off the handle to think that they are being totally rejected. They don’t have to go to other partners for sex.

Can one be addicted to masturbation? Yes. This is the most common sex addiction and it is the first sexual behavior that many resort to on a regular basis. Usually, this is where sexual compulsion starts, and this act, regardless of other acquired behaviour, stays active.

What role does pornography play in sex addiction? Pornography, combined with regular masturbation, is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many have great difficulty feeling sober about this combination of behaviour.

Pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages. It creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend on these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs, hundreds of times before actually being intimate with a real person.

Can someone be an addict and not be sexual with their spouse or in a committed relationship? Yes. This is the ‘latter stage of sex addiction – sexual anorexia. At this stage the addict prefers the fantasy world and sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse. The addict or anorexic avoids relational sex and hence, has sex in frequently with his or her partner.

What is it like to live with a sex addict from a husband or wife’s perspective? Husbands or wives of such individuals report many similar feelings about living with them. A feeling of loneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts. They hardly discuss their personal lives or experiences. They are often angry due to needs that are not met.

Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t? Yes, even if the addict denies the addiction, the partner can receive help and support. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many others encountered over the years of living with this addiction will affect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not.

The addiction is in no way your doing as a partner or wife. It probably started years before you met each other.

Recovery from sex addiction takes time and hard work, especially in the first year. But with guided help, the addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were, and addict’s living a life much happier than they ever thought was possible.

Can a woman be sexually addicted? Yes. As a matter of fact, the number of women looking for treatment is growing significantly. The behaviour they exhibit is the same as that of their male counterparts. These include masturbation, pornography, internet activity and so on.

Is there any way to prevent children from becoming sexually addicted? Yes. Even though many adult male sex addicts always report that their fathers had the same challenge, or that they were abused by their uncles or friends of their parents, they also report not getting proper orientation to widen their horizon.

This is where parents failed the most, by not sparing time to teach their children about sex. Parents will help their children a lot if they take quality time to introduce sex education to their children early in life depending on their level of exposure and their environment. A combination of sex education and spiritual principles can help the youth a great deal.

 

QUESTION ONE

For some time now I have been having erectile dysfunction and my wife no longer appeals to me sexually. It looks like I’ll have to take pills for the rest of my life; my friends say it is a common experience for older men and something I just have to live with. Recently, I tried having sex with another woman and immediately got an erection.  Why did I have an erection with someone else and not my wife?

It’s not unusual for older men to need more stimulation to help get them aroused than they did when they were younger. But there’s no reason you should have to accept a lack of sexual function as one of the inevitable consequences of getting older, because there is cure. Many men are able to get erections and enjoy sex well into their senior years, and there’s very likely no reason that you can’t be one of them. There are many reasons why a man might experience erection problems, although lack of sexual attraction towards one’s wife might be one of them but definitely not the major reason. Having one night stand with some other woman apart from your wife would not solve the problem. The reason is the same thing will occur again with the other woman after you have gotten used to having sex with her and you will be back where you started. What you need to do is get some cure and bring your wife’s performance to match your fantasy level. This will increase your attraction towards her and revive sexual passion in you.

 

QUESTION TWO

I am currently nursing our first child and as much as I want to make love to my husband, I just cannot do it because I have discovered that I have a pelvic inflammatory disease. As a result of this my husband is under undue sexual pressure. What can I do?

Pelvic inflammatory disease can cause excruciating pain but at the same time it can be treated and cured. While you are undergoing treatment (which may sometimes take a while) there are other ways you could help your husband ease himself from the undue sexual pressure. One way is by giving him some non-sexual pleasure such as good love play or foreplay; this way he will be a bit relieved momentarily. Secondly, you can be both take time out to just relax in each other’s arms and find solace with one another. When you show him you are genuinely interested in him by these gestures he will be encouraged to hold on a little while for you to heal. But you need to treat yourself first so as to fully carry out your marital obligations without any pain.

 

QUESTION THREE

A close friend of mine became pregnant and she tried terminating it by using lime and potash and that destroyed her womb. Now that she’s married, she can’t conceive according to the doctor’s report. In this case what can she do?

Sometimes things happen to make us think we cannot receive the gift of God’s mercy, but that is not so. In as much as abortion is bad the fact remains that the deed has been done and God can still forgive such act and create a new womb for the individual.

We should not think that it is over just like that. Doctors are doing their best but their judgment is still human whereas God can do the unexpected. So, I would advise that she trusts God for a new womb. While doing that, she could adopt and put a smile on another child’s face. Having biological children is good and it brings a sense of fulfillment, but when there are reasons why this is not possible adoption is the alternative. The act of parenting is not just for your biological children but to every child around you that you can show love too by way of guidance, sponsorship, training etc. There are instances where an adopted child takes better care of his/her parent at old age than the biological ones. Life is a circle; if you sow into a child’s life he/she will in turn have the urge to repay you when you are old and need help.

 

QUESTION FOUR

I am aware that my friend’s husband is dating their next door neighbour’s wife. My friend doesn’t know about it but two secret lovers are aware that I know of their escapades. Should I tell my friend or just keep quiet? I don’t want to destroy another person’s home!

It is not a wise thing for you to do the telling. If you tell your friend her husband is cheating she may not believe you at first, or her husband may turn the matter upside down and lie that you are actually the one making passes at him. Then your friend may not handle the situation maturely and as such your action may lead to the breakdown of that marriage. What you need do is to pray for your friend’s family to be restored. Besides, you don’t know if intervening by exposing their secret could even endanger your life. I think you should stay clear.

 

By Funmi Akingbade

Many people don’t have an idea about what gives sexual fulfilment to their partners. They don’t even know how often their partner wants sex.

For instance, do you know how much hugging and cuddling your wife or lover needs before and after intercourse? How about the sexual fantasies each partner nurses? Well, paying a little extra attention may be all it takes to transform your sex life from boring to a sizzling one.

Couples put much effort into their careers, friendship and parenting; they read books and improve on all other areas in their lives. That’s not a bad idea at all. But good sex requires the same level of attention and education. That means making time to think about it and ensuring you have enough energy because it matters a lot.

Romance is like the goose while sex is like the golden egg. You don’t kill the goose that lays the golden egg. Romance your partners at least once every other day, kiss for ten seconds every morning when you say good-bye and every evening when you say hello.

Hug each other for 20 seconds each day and flirt with each other. Even when there isn’t time for sex, make sure your mate knows you want to have it with him or her at any convenient time. Leave a romantic message on your partner’s phone or e-mail. Daydream about making love to your spouse while doing the laundry, dishes, and while at work or during your free time and so on. Once in a while, while getting ready for bed, light a scented candle and play romantic music on the radio or CD player. This is one of the best stimulants.

Anytime the opportunity arises, give your spouse a one-minute shoulder rub. Go as far as renting a romantic movie and watch it together after the children might have retired to their room. One of the secrets of sexual fireworks is that the fervor and passion must never be taken for granted because one in three men wishes their wives were better in bed.

Be generous outside of the bedroom with foot rubs, shoulder rubs and loving words. Little signs of affection can build up and put you both in a mood that you weren’t necessarily expecting. Nothing is spoilt when husband and wife shower together before bed time; seeing the glistening body of each other is not only sexy, it sparks raw fire.

No harm happens to the marriage when partners play together. Go ahead and play a recreational team sport, with your partner. It will help keep you both fit, relieve stress and enable you to work as a team. It builds camaraderie and spices things up in the bedroom. Note that while playing together, wives should remember to put on seductive underwear. Most men like white cotton panties, especially the ones that are seductively designed.

Don’t forget to break away from the children’s grip and everyday life chores by ‘eloping’ out once or twice a year: book a night in a hotel as it enables couples to let loose and focus on themselves once in a while. Go ahead, become each other’s baby and share bedtime stories.

Take the bull by the horn. You can’t sit around waiting for someone to make you happy, and that goes for sexual happiness too. When there is a raise in salary, the arrival of a new car in your garage or something new and special happens in the family, you can think up an extraordinary way of celebrating it.

Pay yourselves compliments as women expect and need to hear such words as much as men do. If he knows you think he’s sexy, he’ll try harder in bed to please you and prove that you’re right. With one compliment a week, the flame will burn anew.

In all you do as a couple, put sex first. Let it top your day-to -day priorities. It’s harder to find time together when the children are either toddlers or teenagers – they stay up later than you do and most times know what you are up to. So, sometimes you have to put your relationship first before the children; that could mean sneaking into the visitor’s room, the pent house or the master bedroom bathroom to have a short warm sexual escapade together. And it’s worth it.

The fact remains that when these children are long gone, it is what both of you practice now that you will continue to do. So, don’t ignore your day-to-day activities and ‘hide-and-seek-games.’ If both of you are not sexually naughty now, you may bore yourselves to death when they are gone.

Wives should not send their husbands on sabbatical leave for nine months on account of pregnancy as such husbands may not come back from the long vacation. Statistics indicate that many husbands frequently think about sex more than their wives do. It is of utmost importance to them to know that their wives need them sexually. It does not matter if the wife is pregnant, nursing a baby or has reached menopause.

For ninety per cent of these men, an intense sexual relationship with their wives is more of a physical and emotional tranquiliser; it enables them to relax afterwards. They solve life issues better subsequently after sex, become calm and relaxed. A sexually-fulfilled man is a better giver, better lover and a better care-giver.

Therefore, pregnant and nursing wives should know that the sexual desire of their husbands is basically a matter of hormonal functions and regulations. It is also ‘ever-present’ and they need physiological release. So, when a wife at any stage of motherhood maintains an enthusiastic sexual interaction in the marriage relationship, their husbands feel more secure and more desired as he grows older. Such husbands are better fathers, providers and home makers. In all you do, put sex first if you want the fireworks back in your marriage.

QUESTION ONE

My husband doesn’t enjoy kissing at all, but l do. When I kiss him, he pulls away quickly. I love kissing and I am missing it a lot due to his disposition. He thinks it’s “somehow.” This is my first marriage, but a second one for my husband. Is there anything we can do?

Don’t be offended by this question; have you checked your breath? Seriously! One simple reason some mates don’t like to kiss is that their partners have chronic bad breath. Ask a very good friend or your dentist. There are ways your dentist can help alleviate that problem. If you pass the ‘breath test,’ ask your husband what it is about kissing that he finds ‘offensive.’ If he doesn’t like kissing, what does he hate about it? Then, try to seek a solution to the problem. That will say to him, “you are important to me, and I want to please you.” You will then have a happier man (and it’s a lot more fun living with a happy man). Maybe, someday, he’ll change his mind about kissing, or kiss you just as his gift to you. In the meantime, take an adventure in unselfishness by providing what pleases him most.

QUESTION TWO

My wife doesn’t want sex as often as I do and I understand that this is typical of some women. But if my need seems great and she’s not in the mood, is it okay for me to try to warm things up? I’m wondering if there’s any way I can be considerate and self-sacrificing, and still get enough sex.

Read Also: I had sex with Praise in the House and after the show- Ka3na

 

The avenue to sexual satisfaction for women is definitely relational. When you are trying to ‘warm things up’ if you do the things that your wife needs, you are much more likely to succeed. Those things include listening to her (sometimes to what seems to you very irrelevant things), sharing your own feelings (even when they seem trivial to you), giving her lots of attention (eye contact) and not pressuring her for sex (give her plenty of non-sexual touching and attention).

When you’re sharing your feelings, you can make clear to your wife what you have in mind. But make sure you stress that you want the time together to be pleasurable for her. It might be a good idea to try this approach when you are not feeling desperate for sex.

I find there are times when I’m not really in the mood for sex, but I’m still willing to be available to my spouse. It’s helpful if he understands this and is able to lower his expectations for how much time I can offer. Discuss that possibility with your wife, and strive for openness and honesty with each other. Talking is a wonderful way to connect emotionally before you try to connect sexually.

Understanding female sexuality can be a real challenge, but it’s essential if you want to connect with your wife. This could help you understand your wife, and it could be a springboard for talking with her about your differences. She needs to understand the intensity of your feelings and drive just as much as you must discover what activates her positive response.

QUESTION THREE

After having hot and passionate sex life for the first four years of marriage, my husband and I finally talked things out. Now, we have wonderful, incredible sex. My problem is that I am somehow addicted. It doesn’t seem right for me to be so consumed with sexual thoughts and desire, or to want sex as much as I do, which is constantly. I feel out of control, and that can’t be godly behavior – even if my urge is directed toward my husband. How can I control this?

It’s fairly unusual for a woman to find herself consumed by sexual thoughts and desires, but it’s not pathological or even necessarily “ungodly.” Sexual drive and pleasure are part of God’s creative design. The problem comes when a person’s sexual feelings and fantasies go outside the marital boundary. It’s important for you and your husband to keep on talking in order to protect your faithfulness in marriage.

It’s also problematic when sexual thought or behavior begins to interfere with other responsibilities. For instance, if you withdraw from other relationships, become negligent in caring for your children or abandon your own spiritual life, some control would become necessary. The good news is that compulsive behavior can be controlled.

First try a spiritual approach. For instance, when sexual thoughts enter your mind, you can substitute prayerfully devotional reading to change the obsessive thought patterns. Or you can try focusing your mind on a noble and worthy event. You’ll discover that the frequency of your sexual thoughts decreases.

A second approach is to do some physically challenging jobs, which can reduce sexual drive.

You may need professional counseling to explore the reasons for your intense ‘turn on’ and establish better control. Be careful in choosing a counselor. Find a highly experienced and trustworthy therapist.

QUESTION FOUR

My wife and I have been married for nine months, and she hasn’t yet had an orgasm. She has certain fears regarding sex and a lot of inhibitions. There are distinct boundaries that never get crossed. I don’t blame her, but she blames herself. What can we do to help things get better?

Many new couples have similar experiences; early adjustment problems are not unusual. They have questions related to physical intimacy. Many of the Christian books on sexuality can be helpful in overcoming inhibitions. Since sexual development is such a private experience, there can be many reasons for the difficulty. It might be helpful to see a qualified counselor to help your wife work through feelings that block her orgasmic response. These could be related to early restrictive teachings that presented sex as dirty. Many women were never given the message that marital sex is a God-given gift meant for our pleasure.

Another common cause is a woman’s need for her own emotional control and related feelings of anxiety as erotic stimulation increases. The intensity of pre-orgasmic excitation can seem threatening for a woman who has learned to stay in control of her feelings. Also, guilt related to sexual fantasies or premarital experiences can create barriers to full sexual enjoyment. Of course, early sexual abuse can stimulate fearful associations.

By Funmi Akingbade

Vengeance is another deadly reason why spouses cheat. This is mostly common among the wives. When some who have being hurt, wounded, abused, and maltreated by their husbands want to hit back, they use cheating as a weapon.

They throw caution to the wind and allow the devil to take the better part of their reasoning. The greatest enemy of love in marriage is an unforgiving spirit. When it comes to forgiveness in marriage, partners should keep on forgiving each other.

An outstanding relationship grows on forgiveness, not perfection. Whatever the offence of your spouse, forgive and never think of revenge. Even though it hurts, forgive; that is the only way you can have inner peace and also save your marriage.

Couples who harbour grudges against each other hardly do anything good together. Lack of forgiveness in a home retards the growth and progress of that marriage. It is in such homes that you see unproductively, hostility, unfruitfulness and barrenness.

In fact, children from such homes are hardly ever happy. Do not keep records of the wrongs done to you by your partner. God can only forgive you when you forgive those who offend you.

The heaviest load any spouse can carry is a grudge. But if you stop nursing grudges, they will surely die. The moment you make up your mind to cheat on your spouse because you think you want to ‘pay back, the devil has gotten the better part of your home and life. He knows the game and plays it smarter than you. When you give him an inch, he would take a mile and help to destroy your home. Do not give him access to your marriage.

When a partner is difficult to please, and he or she is not ready to change, it is bound to affect the disposition of the other partner. For instance, when the attitude of the wife makes the husband to feel inferior, he may embark on cheating.

Also, when the husband makes the woman lose confidence by dressing her down publicly, not respecting or appreciating her efforts, or not noticing her dressing or commending her looks, she may desire to seek attention outside the home and fall prey to any admirer outside.

A hostile environment can cause a spouse to fool around sexually. A home full of quarreling and fighting will push people to cheat. Even children from such homes will prefer to stay out of such an environment.

Outright temptation is one major force for couples messing around. Husbands that cannot wisely and maturely handle the opposite sex most times fall victim of temptation that normally leads to cheating on their wives.

Everybody is being tempted one way or the other, it is left for us as couples to make up our mind either to have, hold and keep our marriage or become a victim in this area. Most times couples will save their marriages if they are sincere about the temptation they face and honestly share them with their partners.

Let your spouse be your best friend and confidant. For instance, if a husband is being unduly chased by a female colleague in the office or a female customer and you notice that she is too close for comfort, let your wife handle her calls, text messages or visits. This will definitely send a signal to her that she is an intruder.

Besides, proudly display your wife’s identity anywhere, anytime. Talk beautifully about her. Let your wife – and not the secretary – follow you to special occasions and introduce her to other people. If you cannot proudly display your wife due to one shortcoming or the other on her side, please upgrade her to your level.

Your marriage is worth fighting for because it’s going to be your security in old age. Beware of undue closeness and friendliness with the opposite sex that could lead to some irresistible temptations, bearing in mind that irrespective of your religious standing, you are still flesh and blood.

This also goes for the wife. She must not be unduly attracted to another man. If you must seduce a man, let it be your husband. Do not fall prey because of flattery by another man. Couples who ignorantly leave their homes undefended, thinking all is well may be playing with fire. Over confidence can lead to marital problems.

It is not only our little ones that go through the pressure of negative influence. The elders experience it too. Some weak-willed partners who cannot take decision without contacting their friends or family members may invariably fall into the hands of bad advisers. They may end up cheating on their partners.

Infertility due to health problems such as low sperm count, sexually transmitted diseases leading to pelvic inflammatory diseases (PID), uterine tumour or growth, ovarian tumour or some infertility-oriented problems where either party is unwilling to wait any longer, cannot be ruled out as a reason for cheating.

Long days, weeks, months and years of separation can also have a negative effect. Distance in relationships or marriage can often open the door to temptation.

Undisciplined spouses with voracious sexual appetite are also a danger. These are the ones who cannot be sexually satisfied by one partner even after marriage; they are more likely cheat. This may not be deliberate because such spouses want to be unfaithful, but because they cannot help themselves.

In this case partners married to such spouses should be very understanding; they should pray for their partner and seek God for their deliverance. Remember prayer can do anything. The most neglected authority of a spouse is their prayer life.

Some sanguine partners can also be weak-willed when it comes to cheating on their partner. Like earlier stated, the other person will be doing a great job by lovingly praying for their partner; prayer makes tremendous things to happen.

Sometimes the marriage might be under a spiritual attack as the devil just wants to destroy the relationship. Whenever you notice unfaithfulness in your partner – that’s not the time to drive them into the hands of a stranger. Rather, help the offending partner, by lovingly restoring him or her back to your marital vow. The two of you have invested so much in the marriage and such investment needs to grow to maturity.

Lying is just as deadly as cheating. Do not blow your spouse’s sin out of proportion. Be there for him or her to overcome the challenge. If well handled, it will soon come to pass. So, keep sowing the best seed into your marriage.

 

QUESTION ONE

Our sex life is still very clumsy, especially when it comes to changing positions and all that. I am not as interested as I used to be. Is there something we are not doing right?

One of the challenges that married men have to surmount is to decide on what positions to use when engaging in penetrative sex with their spouse. The biggest fears is that their wives will get bored with the ‘same old style,’ and as a result, lose interest in sex. So, the question becomes important: What are the best sexual positions?

To adequately answer these questions, let us first look into the top five mistakes most men make with sexual positions. It is these mistakes that make sex clumsy.

Position mistake 1: Imitating anything seen in a movie. This is probably the biggest reason that many husbands make with sexual positions. Inexperienced husbands think porn is a good model because they see how a lady and a man go about manipulating positions. The fact is that sexual positions in those sorts of movies are meant to display a good scene for viewers, not to maximise pleasure for the actors. Most times, the actors are in severe and unexplainable pains. In fact, one of the worst positions for clitoral and vaginal stimulation is when the woman puts her ankles on your shoulders. With her pelvis bent back that far, she can feel pain in her cervix if you push in too far.

Position mistake 2: Trying too hard to keep your weight off the woman, in any position. To a woman, sex is a way to get closer to her husband. She loves it when he leans on the underside of her thighs. You see, during sex, almost every woman enjoys feeling her man’s body pressed hard against her.

Position mistake 3: Allowing the woman do all the sexual work when she’s on top. For virtually every woman, sex is mostly a passive activity. So, by being the motionless male, you destroy the whole purpose of sex for her.

Position mistake 4: A lot of men have read too many ‘men are from Mars’ type of books and think that women like it if you seek permission for everything, and let the female folk take the lead. Be the alpha male instead and just ‘does it.’

Position mistake 5: Don’t think that the complex and most complicated positions are better. You don’t need to do something crazy. Just be normal. An old standby like the missionary (man on top, woman lying on her back) can be the best sexual position. Risky positions are just frustrating for everybody and often kill the mood.

 

QUESTION TWO

I always experience premature ejaculation and it takes about twenty minutes for me to be ready to go again. Please, what can I do?

Well, I think you need to first and foremost practice Master and Johnson procedure and later, Kegel exercise. Make sure that you eat the right kind of food and don’t engage in any stressful exercise. Also, visit your doctor for medical check-up.

 

QUESTION THREE

I have a wife who isn’t adventurous when it comes to sex. In fact, she is a weakling in bed. I love sex, but she doesn’t. My major grouse with her is persistent complaints of pain during sexual intercourse. I first thought it might be because of the size of my manhood, but a neighbour that I discussed the issue with told me that the problem is peculiar to some women. I am having serious temptation to sleep with other women that are willing rather than dying in silence.

I don’t know if you have taken time to really explain your feelings to her. If so, I would love to know if you do not skip foreplay, because a wife can’t be the best sex partner without through foreplay. In addition, how do you treat her when sex is not on the agenda? A wife you treat in a nice way will be more cooperative in this area. How about taking her for a trip and spoiling her with affection? Most wives love that, and it is a gateway to the type of sex you long for.

Sometimes, the complaint she gives may be a genuine one. Why not visit the family doctor with her and let her undergo some test to know if all is well. In some instances, circumcision may be the reason for the pain. But the size of your penis had nothing to do with the pain because the head of the baby that passes through the vagina is bigger than the biggest penis.

By Funmi Akingbade

CHEATING in marriage is a common phenomenon today. In one way or the other, spouses cheat on themselves and defile their marriage beds. Statistical records show that by the 8th and 10th year of marriage, 80% of couples – one or both – would have being sexually unfaithful!

Why is this so? Why do spouses cheat on each other? Can our marriages be free from this plague? What are the causes of this terrible behaviour and can there be any solution?

The first reason why spouses cheat is when one partner feels that they have been forced or trapped into the marriage against his or her wish.

Unwanted pregnancy or an arranged marriage where there is actually no genuine love and commitment could be a reason for any of them to cheat on the other.

As much as parental advice or pastoral counseling is good, when it comes to decision making, your will should be paramount. God who has the final authority over our lives still allows us to take certain decisions on our own. It is wrong to marry someone against your wish.

Though parents want the best for their children, when it comes to marriage, the best thing is guide those intending to marry and help them make the right choice, taking cognizance of their will. Be man enough to make a firm decision on the choice of your marriage partner, it will go a long way to stabilise your marriage and help the two of you weather the storms of life together.

It is also advisable not to patch up a problematic and faulty courtship. If there are obvious reasons why the relationship should not be solemnized, it is better to call it quits. A broken courtship is better than a frustrated, heartbreaking and hypertensive marriage that may invariably lead to divorce.

Let’s examine it. Why do people long for marriage? Firstly, it is the desire for a committed relationship based on a readiness to be a blessing to another person.

The second reason is the desire for marriage due to the belief that it will make us complete, secure and happy, or provide something lacking in our lives as singles: needless to say that this second reason for marriage is not valid.

Marriage can make you many things, but there is no guarantee that it would make you complete, happy or secure. If you cannot feel happy as a single person, you will never be as married, because the single ‘you’ is the same married ‘you.’

No miracle is going to happen after the wedding. If you are unhappy, unproductive, insecure, or immoral as a single, you will be the same as married; no other human being can make you happy apart from God. Miracle can only happen when you work on yourself and develop a positive mindset about life.

Marriage should not be a goal we aspire to, but a decision we make after God has assisted us in the choice of partner. Too often, l see singles forcing themselves on any available person. The result is usually a life of misery, compromise and cheating on each other and, eventually, divorce. As much as you attach importance to marriage, it should never be rushed into. After all, it is not a do-or-die affair.

Curiosity, they say, kills the cat. There are instances where a partner wants to try something new either for the fun of it or just to satisfy his or her curiosity and, sometimes, to prevent boredom.

Most times, a partner does not just get curious unnecessarily and deliberately cheat on the other. It may be just because the other partner is not being sensitive to the other’s sexual desires, cravings and needs, and so desires to try something new, something spicy and something tasty.

He or she just wants to experience some fun and get out of the routine of having sex only in the bedroom with the lights out, with the same bedspread, in the same [missionary] position. I am sure you would laugh and think that’s not enough reason for a partner to cheat on the other. But you would be shocked to hear the agony in the voice of some spouses after the deed has being done and the worst has caught up on them.

Partners should not take each other for granted, thinking ‘once married ever committed.’

Ordinarily, our spouses should be committed to us after marriage. This is not a sufficient to neglect our sexual responsibility.

Taking each other for granted most times leads to spouses cheating on each other. Do not leave your marriage life to chance. At times, what goes up does not necessarily come down. In essence, be a sensitive lover.

You must be able to code and decode your partner. Learn how to spice up your marital bed, look for avenues to keep the flame of romance, seduction, friendliness, and newness burning. Marriage is sweet; don’t lose your partner as a result of insensitivity.

Besides, outright denial of marital dues can lead to either of the spouses cheating on each other. When a spouse is denied of love, affection, appreciation and sex due to one flimsy excuse or the other, there is a possibility of seeking for such things outside the home. The Bible does not support a spouse denying themselves of marital rights. As a matter of fact, it actually says that we do not have ownership over our own bodies when it comes to sex. Even in the case of fasting and prayer, there must be mutual agreement and the consent of your spouse must be sought.

Do not permit sex, affection and understanding to become a scarce commodity in the home. There is a likelihood of searching for it outside by all means, simply because they are essential commodities. Just like air, water and food, they are things we need to grow. We cannot do without it.

Human beings are products of love who respond to affectionate gestures. That you are not romantic is an excuse. Learning to appreciate your spouse over the little or big things they do is a beautiful source of growth in marriage. Learn to display unexpected love and affection. Learn to ‘out-love’ your spouse, even when it is obvious that they do not deserve it. It is a magic that works wonder.

Do not be heady when it comes to learning for change. Do not deliberately hoard money. Let there be a free flow of money between both of you. In case of obvious short supply, let there be a display of honesty and sincerity, so that the temptation may not arise for the weaker partner. Spouses should not dogmatically display ownership right on money, nor should couples magnify properties.

For instance, when a spouse says ‘you can’t enter my car’ ‘if you are not pleased, you can leave my house,’ ‘don’t touch my television set.’ The habit of buying things in their names only or in the names of their parents goes a long way to negatively affect the other party, producing a sense of ‘I don’t think I belong here.’

To be continued.

 

QUESTION ONE

It is always nice reading your column. I am a virgin at 28. People say I am very pretty and admirable. But I am scared of sex. This has caused failed relationships and I am worried. What do I do?

There is actually nothing to be afraid of. The most important thing is to marry a man that will love and respect you as a wife and a woman. When this is in place, you can then share your thoughts with him and ask him to help you work out the issue of sex together. I am sure things would actually fall in place. There’s nothing is scary about sex. It’s to be enjoyed. Have a better perspective towards it.

QUESTION TWO

I am in my early thirties. I met a guy a year ago and we have started talking about settling down together. He has passed the tests that I, my family and pastor set for him and as a matter of fact, my parents and his are close. I really like him too, but the only challenge I have is that he has mouth odour. I noticed this three months ago. He is the kind of person I want to spend my entire life with, but the odour is really offensive to me. What can I do?

There is actually no problem. All you need to do is to introduce him to lots of good mouthwashes available and mints that could last for several hours. With wisdom, assist him to do a proper mouthwash whenever he is brushing his mouth. Do you know that mouth odour is a typical human thing? Due to the fact that some of us were not good at oral hygiene while we were younger and because of poor health information, some do not take proper care of the mouth. No matter how good the oral hygiene, mouths do smell because of the effect of germs and bacteria that work on the remnant of the pieces of food items left in the mouth cavity. That is why dentists recommend mouthwash at least twice a day.

QUESTION THREE

I am writing on behalf of my elder sister who is married with three kids. Recently, she became pregnant and her husband asked her to abort it as he was not ready for another baby which she did. Now, she bleeds whenever they make love. She has been treated several times for infection but her husband refused to go for a test, not to talk of getting treated, especially when it is a well-known fact that he engages in extra-marital relationships.

I told her to use Ytacan insertion after her menses, but I don’t think that is the solution. Please help as I am very worried about her health. Should she bring our parents or her in-laws in on the matter? This is because all her pleas for him to go for a test have been unsuccessful.

I am sure your sister knows some people that your husband respects. Such people can be brought into the matter to talk to him. But this must be done with all wisdom.

QUESTION FOUR

Please, I need help. I am planning to get married next year and my boyfriend does not stay a minute before he ejaculates. It is very annoying, but I don’t know what to do.

There is no cause for alarm. Check out our solutions for premature ejaculation and also let your man see the doctor for urgent treatment.

QUESTION FIVE

How do I have sex with my wife and not get her pregnant and without using condom? How do I stay long at sex because I come too early and my wife is always complaining? I am tired of saying ‘sorry, it’s not my fault.’ What do I do?

There are ways to have sex with your wife without getting her pregnant. All you have to do is to take her to the Planned Parenthood Family Planning Center available in your town or city and let the officer advice you on the best family planning method and the appropriate one for her. Follow your doctor’s advice.

You can have and maintain erection as long as you want if you ask your wife to help you carry out Master and Johnson exercises and if you also carry out Kegel exercise otherwise called pelvic floor exercise. Also try not to be too anxious and exceptionally serious while having sex. Don’t entertain the fear that you are not going to satisfy your wife.

FUNMI AKINGBADE

 

CHANGE’ is said to be the only thing that counts when an individual wants to get a better result on any life issue. Therefore, the only thing that should not alter in a marriage relationship – most especially as regarding the sex bed – is ‘change’.

Married people must continually be creative and give room for change in order to enjoy an outstanding sex life. Do not wave this aside and think it one of those things. No! Any creative thing a couple imagine can be achieved; all you need to do is take the first step. Move towards your dream sex life.

As my habit is, I always like to start with my fellow women. Wives, change what you say on bed while lovemaking is going on. To many husbands the only authentic thing they would appreciate from their wives to comment on is the action at hand.

There is always a time for everything and everything should be on time. This is not the moment to remind him of the clothes on the clothes line or of junior’s outstanding school fees, or the soon-coming burial of your great grandma.

Such utterances most times can be misinterpreted. It may connote that those things are more important than his needs and his sexual desires and this bruises his self-esteem. Instead, whisper lovingly to his ears and say ‘I cannot wait to feel how your hands will do wonders and justice to my erotic zone this time around.’

When a wife says “is it in yet?” what the husband hears is ‘my penis size is so small she cannot even feel it.’ Am I not man enough to satisfy her?  Instead, use your hands and put his penis deep inside and whisper this to his ears ‘honey, work with what you have just be smart about it.’ ‘I am all yours’.

When a wife says ‘is that how far you can go’, what her husband hears is ‘you are not good enough’. Instead, say ‘job well done, now to the main meal’.

While every sexual intercourse might not be an Olympic contest, your husband should at least earn an approving look and encouragement from you.

Change what you wear to sleep; what the eyes feed on are what the mind translates. If your husband’s eyes constantly feed on old, craggy house wear, his mind will translate it as ‘old grandma in the village.’ Change your look – men are attracted to sexy looks. Even at sixty you can still look sexy.

Change the position you always offer him. Yam can be eaten as boiled yam, pounded yam, fried yam, yam pottage, roasted yam, pepper soup yam. It can also be eaten as a mixed meal with beans.

Change your approach, gone are the days when the light must be put out, or sex must only happen in the middle of the night. Create a sex-friendly environment – do a catwalk in front of your husband, gentle seduce him as a stripper would. After all, you are stripping for your husband and not anyone else.

As for husbands, change the way you make love to you wife. Many times a typical wife love to satisfy her man with all sexual indulgence, delight, and treats available but her mind may be preoccupied with lots of things.

The following is how to prepare your wife’s mind for incredible sex. If you do this even halfway right, her mind will prepare her body for an unforgettable night.

What do I mean? Change your words and actions positively to affect her mood. Her mood will affect her body. Once you get her going in the right direction, it gets easier as the night goes on. So where do you start?

Start with romance; it is more than gifts and paying bills – romance is an attitude. The secret to being romantic is to bathe a woman’s mind with thoughtfulness, fun, tenderness and security, without smothering her or acting needy.

All women have different personalities and expectations so it is up to you to find out what your wife desires and what combination of romance works best with her.

One woman may find it romantic for her husband to just stay home with her and listen to all her deepest fears, while another may find a get-away trip from the house to somewhere – just her and her husband – to be the most romantic event.

Then put her in ‘the mood’ before you have sex. This involves setting up the right kind of environment that will enhance her pleasure.

To put her in the mood, you should focus on creating an atmosphere that emphasizes acceptance of her person, preference and sensitivity. In addition, please do not skip foreplay. It is one of the most important things to learn. Foreplay is all about how to make love to a woman.

Well-designed foreplay is the best way to transition from a conversation to having sex. Typically, foreplay involves kissing, heavy petting and sensual massages. The rule of the game is to really focus on her pleasure and start building up its intensity. Once you have brought her to the pinnacle of pleasure from foreplay, you should start to have sex. Now most husbands will just start having sex without any thought. This is a mistake!

Instead of going straight to sex, you should start to tease your wife. What you should do is go slowly and start to have sex, then stop. Keep doing this until she goes crazy and practically pulls you inside her. Now once you have started the thrusting in and out, it is important to change pace (and position). Many wives moan from pain and not pleasure because they are kept on one position for too long. Again, your focus as the husband is to concentrate on her pleasure and make sure she is really enjoying herself.

What really works is to build up speed then pull back to a slow and sensual pace. Keep doing this until both of you cannot take it anymore. Moreover, if erectile dysfunction or weak erection or premature ejaculation is going to be an impediment for you, just grab 36-hour-of-freedom, the great Cialis, it works.

Knowing how to make love to a woman is an important skill to have. If you can follow the process and change the methods, you will instantly become the best lover to your wife. Creativity makes you enjoy an outstanding love life.

QUESTION ONE

Sometimes when I am having sex my vagina makes a noise as if I am passing gas. It is so embarrassing, the noise woke my baby up the last time we had sex. What causes it and how can I prevent it?

This noisy emission is air escaping from your vagina. When you’re aroused, your vagina expands to allow room for the penis. Your husband’s thrusting during intercourse pushes air into you, which fills the space in the inner part of your vagina that has expanded. A shift in body position or a deep thrust can force that air out, resulting in the fart-like sound. It is also possible to let out air post-orgasm, when air is expelled as the vagina returns to its pre-aroused state

While making a gassy sound can be embarrassing, it is actually common. However, if it is getting in the way of your pleasure, try these preventive tricks:  First, lie on your back and gently press down on your abdomen with the palm of your hand prior to intercourse this will expel air already present in your vagina.

During sex, encourage your husband to make shallow strokes and avoid pelvis-elevated positions like doggie-style, which can increase noisy emission. In addition, a good Kegel exercise normally rectifies this. Do not let a little noise restrict your sex life, just laugh it off.

QUESTION TWO

When going from missionary to woman-on-top, how do we maneuver the switch while keeping my husband’s penis inside me? Whenever we try this, his organ just pops out.

I am sure most couples marvel at the expertise of most sex actors and wonder when such can be a reality in their homes. However, the truth is sex is not always as flawless and faultless as presented. People knock heads, are twisted up in the sheets and for a moment get disengaged. It can be awkward to change positions from one smooth moment. Most couples stop and reconnect.

However, to give for flawless sex, start with missionary position close to the edge of the left side of the bed. Keeping your right leg straight, wrap your left leg around your husband’s waist and hook your left arm under his shoulder. Pushing off with your right arm, keep a firm grip on your husband as you roll him onto his back toward the right side of the bed in one sweeping motion. If he slips out, stick him back in and resume your captivating session.

QUESTION THREE

I cannot believe I am complaining about this, but my wife treats my penis like a toy. She is obsessed with my penis and it seems she is more interested in it than the ‘real me’. For instance, she will never look at me during sex and will not let go of my penis even when I am fully erect and want to enter her. Do you think this is normal? Is this what other women do? I really need to understand.

Contrary to your opinion, I think your wife really loves you and wants to sexually please you but she may be shy about it and finds it easier to focus on your penis than meet your eye under such intimate circumstances. If she has not been sexually active before, this may be a way out for her. But if not, this may be her own way of showing you she cares and may just need a bit more time to build her confidence in the bedroom. Besides, nowadays when it comes to expression of sexuality many women are no longer taking the back seat, rather they are unleashing the tigress in them. Maybe, she is just sexually hyperactive. If this is the case, I think you should take it as a challenge and beat her to the game and reach for her own organ too!

QUESTION FOUR

My husband recently asked me to pay more attention to his scrotal balls when we make love. I do play with them, but I think he wants me to suck them too because of the way he normally pushes my head towards that place. I have never heard of this before. Must it be until I put his balls into my mouth that he will feel sexually satisfied?  Do you have any advice as I want to please him?

Your husband’s request is far from unusual. Sucking on his testicles can make for an incredibly sensual experience – and you will double his pleasure if you simultaneously fondle his shaft. Next time you are giving him the action, take a sexy detour and move your mouth from his mouth: or wherever your mouth has been before to his testicles. Swirl the tip of your tongue around his scrotum i.e. the loose sac of skin that surrounds the testicles. Then, lick his balls with long, sweeping strokes as if you were savouring a delicious pepper-soup bowl. Mix it up and intermittently purse your lips and suck softly on the skin or take each testicle all the way into your mouth.

Some husbands like it a little rough, but this can be a supersensitive area. So find out how hard he wants to be touched before applying more muscle. One strategic trick that is sure to send him reeling: use your finger to gently rub his perineum (the nerve-packed patch of skin that is between his scrotum and his anus), and you are likely to launch him into orgasmic orbit.

By Funmi Akingbade

For some time now, countless mails have rolled into my inbox wanting to know the place of sex during pregnancy. For many wives pregnancy has spiked their interest in sex. On the other hand, sex is the last thing on the mind of many others during this period. Here is what you need to know about sex during pregnancy.

As long as your pregnancy is proceeding normally, you can have sex as often as you like. But most wives may not always want to. This is because at first, the hormonal fluctuations, fatigue and nausea may sap their sexual desire.

During the second trimester, increased blood flow to your sexual organs and breasts may rekindle your desire for sex. However, by the third trimester, weight gain, back pain and other symptoms may once again dampen your passion for sex.

Many wives who have waited for long before getting pregnant are always apprehensive of the unknown. They want to know if sex during pregnancy causes a miscarriage – especially in the first trimester.

Early miscarriages are usually not associated with sex, but with chromosomal abnormalities or other problems in the developing baby.

Sex during pregnancy does not harm the baby either. This is because the developing baby is protected by the amniotic fluid in the uterus, as well as the mucous plug that blocks the cervix throughout most of the pregnancy. Sexual activity will not affect your baby.

A wife once asked me ‘what are the best sexual positions during pregnancy? In reality, as long as you are comfortable, most sexual positions are okay during pregnancy.

As your pregnancy progresses, you and your husband can experiment to find what works best. Rather than lying on your back, you might want to lie next to your man sideways or position yourself on top of him or in front of him.

Let your creativity take over, as long as you keep mutual pleasure and comfort in mind. I have written a book titled “Sexual intimacy in marriage.” A few of the chapters there are dedicated to sex in pregnancy. I would advise you get a copy of the book from any leading Nigeria bookshop.

Another married young mother asked me recently ‘what about oral sex? Contrary to ‘old women fables’ oral sex is safe during pregnancy. There is a warning though, if you receive oral sex, make sure your husband does not blow air into your vagina. Though, this rarely happens, but a burst of air may block a blood vessel (air embolism) which could be a life-threatening condition for you and the baby.

One reader asked if condoms are necessary. Frankly, undue exposure to sexually transmitted infections during pregnancy increases risks that can affect your pregnancy and your baby’s health. You may use a condom if your husband has a sexually transmitted infection history.

Many want to know if orgasms can trigger premature labour. Yes, sometimes orgasms can cause uterine contractions, but these are different from the contractions you will feel during labour. If you have a normal pregnancy, orgasms during intercourse don’t increase the risk of premature labour or premature birth. Likewise, sex is not likely to trigger labour even as your expected date of delivery or due date approaches. Sometimes sex prior to delivery hastens labour but you still have to be moderate in all you do.

Are there times when sex should be avoided, a nursing mother who has been sexually active shortly after delivery asked? Although most women can safely have sex throughout pregnancy, sometimes it is best to be careful.

Sex could be avoided when you are at risk of preterm labour, or you have unexplained vaginal bleeding, or you are leaking amniotic fluid, or your cervix begins to open prematurely (cervical incontinence) and when your placenta partly or completely covers your cervical opening (placenta previa). If you fall into any of these categories, please stay off sex.

Some wives asked me ‘what if I do not want to have sex’. This is a decision you may not be able to take alone, because if you send your husband on a compulsory nine-month sabbatical ‘leave’ he may decide to look for alternatives elsewhere. So wise up and compromise where needed. But if sex is difficult, unappealing or off-limits, try cuddling, kissing or massage.

After the baby is born, how soon can I have sex? Whether you give birth vaginally or by C-section, your body will need time to heal. Many gynaecologists recommend waiting four days after normal vaginal delivery and four weeks before resuming intercourse if you had a C-section. This allows time for your cervix to close and any tears or a repaired episiotomy to heal.

Read Also: Kayan Mata: Tales of mythical age-long sex enhancer

If you are too sore or exhausted to even think about sex, you can still maintain intimacy in other ways. Stay connected during the day with romantic text messages or erotic emails. Reserve a few quiet minutes for each other before the day begins and before the day ends. When you are ready to have sex, take it tenderly and use a reliable method of contraception if you want to prevent a subsequent pregnancy.

QUESTION ONE

My husband feels children need their parents in the formative years of their lives. He believes parental influence is the best teacher and I also agree with him. But my dilemma is that I make the sacrifices by staying at home while he goes to work. However, the more I stay home the more extra calories I add, even when I starve myself of food. Are there practical ways I can keep in shape without the rigours of gym?

Many times wives love to keep in shape and lose some of the unnecessary calories. However, finding a way round it has been the major challenge. Here are some ways any nursing mother, homemaker or professional can with ease loss calories at home, in the office or in the market place without much stress.

For instance, while doing laundry you can do rope jumping just for two-minute intervals and repeating this four times daily you are losing 111 calories.

In addition, while food is being prepared, you can run up and down the stairs of your apartment building. This is easier if you live in a storey-building and if not find a way round your home; this makes you loss 42 calories effortlessly at a go.

Whilst the baby is sleeping, you can stand in front of your living room couch, squat until your buttocks is just above the seat cushions, and hold that position for one minute when this is repeated regularly for four times at a go, naturally 80 calories are shed off your weight.

While breastfeeding the baby you can just lie down on the floor on your side and lift one of your legs up for five minutes, while the baby is feeding on the breast of that side. Then change position to the other side and lift your other leg for another five minutes – this is called leg lift. By so doing you have lose 50 calories just like that. This can be done in the office or room.

Nursing mothers are adviced to take time out for few minutes rest. While trying to take a nap you can do arm circles for one minute and repeat two more times. Amazingly you have just dropped 20 calories. Any woman can do this arm circle and it is recommended for every married woman because the upper arm is one area fat deposits gather easily.

When you feel like urinating walk quickly to the toilet or bathroom instead of strolling, and then stay longer over the toilet seat while you ease yourself, and practise your Kegel exercise more than once. When you have finished, walk fast back to wherever you were instead of leisurely strolling back, and you may just shed 30 calories.

For your triceps muscle take two cans of salad, and put your hands behind your head, with your elbows at your ears and lift the weight up and down. Do one minute each of lifting, without effort 17 calories find their way out.

Walking has proven to be the best workout with result; take a brief one every evening.

QUESTION TWO

My wife is a tyrant in bed. Every now and then, she terrorises me. She is like a sergeant major barking orders all the time. I try to please her but she is so demanding it is demoralizing. Why can’t she let me take control at least for once? Please do not ask if she is older. I am far older than her, but I don’t want to tell her this because it will look like I am not a man enough to satisfy her sexual desires.

The fear of how your wife will react will eventually ruin your sex life. Tell her your feelings in a loving manner, she will understand. Besides, sex is a power game and if you want to play well, you have to be prepared to take a compromising risk. On the other hand, she may be assertive and not bossy. Some wives want confident, assertive husbands who are not afraid to take control. Decide to play the game your way for once, and let her know by being firm and clear with your instructions that you are in charge this time. You will be amazed she will love it. Go on try it and give me a feedback.

QUESTION THREE

I have been married for eight years now, but my husband lived in the United States. He bought me a vibrator to use whenever I feel like having sex with his picture in view. I’ve been using the vibrator close to five years and I’m worried that I’ve numbed my clitoris because I don’t feel any sensation whenever he comes home and touches me. My best friend’s husband also lives abroad but she says she never uses a vibrator because she had heard it ruins the vulva area. Is that true?

Frankly speaking, nothing gives enduring, durable, lasting and long-term satisfaction as the natural thing. Even if you only enjoy your man for few times I think it is still better than the damage vibrator does to your clitoris. Try to occupy yourself with some worthwhile project whenever you have the urge for sex. You can take your children to lesson classes or something that will add value to your life.

By Funmi Akingbade

I can still recollect vividly years ago when my first cousin was getting married. Preparations were in top gear; all had to be perfect because she was the daughter of a highly respected captain.

A night before her ‘Spinsters Eve’ her mother called her into the bedroom to give her the final word of advice. ‘His meals must be served on time, wholesome, attractive and inviting. You must be a neat and good cook; because the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ she said.

Most wives-to-be in this part of the world must have heard it said once or twice that the ‘only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’. Well, the truth is that this is an overstretched half-truth. Many a wife has come to realise that, even when she feeds her husband well with the best delicacies that money can buy, what will really rein him in for good and ensure that he stays indoors most of time – especially on the weekends – is how well she takes care of him in bed.

Wives, no matter what you think, it is what you do in bed and in other matters, apart from food, that will guarantee a sealed deal between you and your husband. I am not saying that giving him good erotic ‘one-in-town-sex is the ‘only’ way to set your marriage on the path of bliss. What I mean is that everything else could amount to nothing without good financial bedrock and great sex. Actually, sex is so important to your husband, that it will be unwise not to live up to his expectation in bed.

Most wives were not born with the ability to make their husbands look great in bed, or to make them scream their heads off in the heat of the action. It doesn’t hurt to appreciate the fact that sex is an art that could be learned and perfected by wives who are sincere about making their marriages successful.

For this reason, I want to talk about what every wife who wants to keep her husband should know. They are little things that we take for granted, which, frankly speaking, make a world of difference between satisfying our men sexually, or alienating them and thereby, giving room to unnecessary quarrels in the home.

To begin with, if there is one place in your home that you need to pay a lot of attention to, it is the bedroom. Wives should keep their bedroom neat at all times. The bedroom is the wife’s empire and office of authority where she takes sexual powers into her hands, influences and control her husband at will and where her laws are executed.

Make it a point of duty to change the arrangement and colour of your bedroom quarterly. Nothing kills passion faster than faded, unappealing and ugly grandma-type underwear, or cheap, low quality brassieres that sag.

Invest in good and sexy lingerie that will not only bring an appreciative response from your husband, but ensure that you get his undivided attention. After all, what do you want from him – devotion and uninterrupted moments?

Wise women understand the need to turn the bedroom into one unpretentious sex theatre. Everything in your bedroom must look, smell and feel erotic, passionate, colourful, calming, inviting and sexy – from the beddings to the décor and right down to the lighting. It is important to eliminate distractions by restricting, for example, the television set to the sitting room (where it really ought to be) and ensuring that books remained in the study. Your bed is not an extended laundry room where the remnant of your children’s clothing are carelessly dumped, nor a nursery room that is drenched, dripping wet, soaked and saturated with the filth of urine.

The bedroom should only be for making romantic, erotic and sexual conversations, coddling, sleeping in a peaceful manner and for hot, unforgettable sex. Nothing else is acceptable.

Mothers don’t tell us to flaunt our bodies before our husband, but this is one of the ways to his heart. Flaunt your God-given body seductively before your husband because it is your unique gift to him. A confident display of your body in a seductive manner is a sure-fire turn-on for any man, and quite honestly, chances are he will not really care that your figure is not drop-dead, come-hither type.

It will not cost you a dime to be adventurous in your own bedroom. It is the perfect place to actualise your sexual fantasy. While you are at it, remember that going through the same routine all the time will lead both of you nowhere. Therefore, it is important to break the repetitiveness by trying out something new.

For example, if you always have sex before turning out the lights, you can try it in the morning as soon as you wake up from sleep. If your man is always positioned on top during sex, surprise him with a bit of bedroom acrobatics. If he is always the one who makes the first move, now is the time to turn the tables round and take the initiative for a change.

Go all out to flavour up your sex life. Dream up new ideas. Doing this will not make you look like a slut, rather it will transform you into your husband’s dream. Believe me, with most men, there’s nothing that’s as thrilling as a wife with a healthy sexual appetite and a heart that is willing to try out new ideas in bed. Anybody can cook better than you and anyone can feed your man well, but nobody should be able to give him great sex; the moment that happens you have lost the man.

Mothers don’t tell us to flirt with our husbands, but flirting could spice up your sex life. Wife, form a habit of flirting with your husband all the time. When you put on your alluring airs, you are indirectly him that you are always interested in his sexual prowess; men react positively to this kind of attitude.

Mothers say respect your husband, but they never tell us to look at them with tempting eyes.  The way you look at your husband is very important. This is because glances could generate an exchange of sexual energy.

Dressing seductively could eventually get your husband fired up sexually, even though he would pretend initially not to notice. Any wife that is serious about winning the attention of her husband and getting into his heart ought to keep a sexy kit handy and make sure that all the items are available anytime, anywhere and at strategic points in the car, kitchen, and bed sides.

Most husbands are frequently under sexual pressure. A recent research revealed that an average man thinks about sex at least ten to twelve times in a day and ejaculates frequently when they are beside an attractive lady. It does not matter whether you are newlywed, a nursing mother, a menopausal spouse. What matters is that you must treat the matrimonial bed like a bona fide business and make it one. You can even be a little mysterious sexually. The fact is if a wife arouses her husband’s curiosity, it is guaranteed he will always be back for more.

You voice your fantasy too! Mother says you would ‘be looked at as a ‘spoilt girl’. But creating sexual scenarios in your mind, sharing and practicing them with your spouse is never a bad way into his heart. Experts say all living beings have sexual fantasies; many imagine themselves enjoying erotic moments with their spouses in strange places at strange times and so on. Sharing sexual fantasies with your husband is a way of heightening and intensifying erotic potential by showing your husband possibilities that he has never considered before. In turn, this will open the door to his heart and a lifetime of sexual ecstasy.

Men love women who behave well because good behaviour is like an appetizer to a beautiful sexual life. Unfortunately, this is one area where most wives miss it. Most women hardly understand that heartfelt verbal compliments or words of appreciation have their unique effect on any relationship. Words of admiration and compliments are greater motivators than negative speech. When husbands receive comforting words from their wives, they are far more likely to be motivated to reciprocate beautifully on their sexuality.

Most men have sexual problems that often rub off badly on their self-confidence and which they lack the courage to confront. Sometimes they complain of premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, weak erection and loss of libido. When wives encourage their husbands their actions act like catalysts for them to face any challenges with great hope.

A lot of the complaints I have received from men about the size of their sex organs is primarily initiated by their wives’ sarcastic criticism and comments. However, with 36-hour-of-freedom or great Cialis, premature ejaculation is becoming outdated, while the herbs from Vietnam are taking care of weak erection and erectile dysfunction.

Our men will always interpret our sexual messages to them from the tone of our voices and body movement, not the words we speak. When what we say to them connotes condemnation and judgment we send them away from our beds on indefinite leave and make them sexually impotent. Good speech goes a long way to improving a man’s libido and creating a pathway to his heart.

Great sex is like a basic chemical reaction between spouses, so give your husband the best sex so ever. The best sex lasts between seven and thirteen minutes. According to a study published in a journal, medical researchers who surveyed peoples bedroom preferences says three minutes is too short, five to ten minutes is adequate and 30 minutes is too long. For now, keep your sex passion aflame.

 

QUESTION ONE

I am a new bride, though I have been sexually active few months to my wedding, I am worried over some things. Why do I get more vaginal infections now that I am married? Should I tell my husband that I am infected? Is it okay to have sex with the condition, because the man is just all over me?

During sex, your husband’s penis can propel rectal bacteria present near your vaginal opening into your urethra. Peeing after sex and cleaning your genital area with soap before sex will kill those bacteria. Yes, do tell him, just to assure him that the condition is harmless and poses no risk to his health; because they are rarely sexually transmitted disease and healthy husbands almost never develop them. With yeast infection, the vaginal tissues become inflamed, having sex further increases the irritation and slows down the healing process. Wait three days till the infection clears up before having sex, since symptoms such as burning, itching, and lack of lubrication could make sex very uncomfortable.

QUESTION TWO

My husband’s libido has totally tapered off in the past few months and I can’t figure out why. I know I haven’t changed, but he’s now seldom able to rev his engine. He’s having some financial issues, so I can’t really suggest a romantic time-out together to reignite his flame. What do you think the problem is?

It could be number of things: a medical issue, depression, air pollution or stress. I think you actually provided a pointer that could answer your question; the lack of money – it has a tremendous effect on a man’s ego, which means it also has a tremendous effect on his penis. Therefore, your husband is most likely to be depressed by his current lack of finances.

Unfortunately, there’s not enough lingerie in the world that would solve his real problems. So focus on lifting his spirits while avoiding the subject of money as much as possible. Suggest low-key outings and introducing him to Cialis 36-hour-of-freedom and Vietnam herbs to boost his libido. This would prove to him that you love him enough to see him through his rough patch.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE

 

As your sex drive in the park? Are you fast losing interest in sex? Varieties of physiological, psychological, psychosomatic and other factors can influence the libido of the man.

Picking up from last week’s article, we started from erectile dysfunction as one of the sexual health problems men face.

Deciding to treat it is an important decision any man would make at any time, so shedding those excess kilograms reduces your risk of cardiovascular illness and erectile dysfunction.

Many studies have proven that elevated levels of fats and cholesterol are linked to erectile dysfunction. A healthier diet and exercise will do much to improve your health. Regular exercise is probably the best way of enhancing your health. It improves the flow of oxygen in the blood and lowers blood pressure.

Exercise also goes a long way in helping to reduce body fat, as well as stress, tension, anxiety and depression. Just three hours of cardiovascular exercise a week can lower the risk of erectile dysfunction by as much as 30%.

High cholesterol leads to a build-up of plaque in the arteries and in the penis, impairing the flow of blood. Exercise will help to prevent this, as will medication that reduces cholesterol. Some natural anti-hypertensive herbs are also available to drastically reduce this cholesterol level.

Drink less alcohol; it affect the nervous system. Alcohol can damage the nerves that are crucial to feelings of sexual desire. It is common to use alcohol to manage stress and hype libido, but alcohol does not hype libido – it only gives a momentary loss of sensitivity which is bad for some nerves of the brain. However, changing your outlook on life will help a great deal.

If erectile dysfunction is brought on by psychological causes, sexual health experts will use some massaging techniques and drugs such as 36-hours-of-freedom and the natural herb from Vietnam to alleviate any anxiety associated with sexual intercourse.

Massaging techniques can help. They can also help to relieve anxiety when erection problems are brought on by physical causes.

What causes erectile dysfunction in particular are arteriosclerosis (hardening of the arteries), heart disease or stroke, hypertension (high blood pressure) and high cholesterol; they all affect blood flowing in and out of the penis.

Diabetes is another chronic condition that can cause nerve damage and damage to the blood vessels that supply the penis. Other neurological conditions include spinal cord injury, multiple sclerosis, and nerve degeneration due to diabetes or alcoholism.

Low levels of the male hormone testosterone can result in dysfunction. Surgery for colon, rectal or prostate cancer and even radiation or chemotherapy therapy in the pelvic area can cause damage to the nerves and blood vessels, which may result in dysfunction.

Trauma to the spinal cord like pelvic fractures can lead to this problem. Some fake over-the-counter medications have the potential of causing erectile dysfunction. If you observe problems with erection after starting a new medication, ask your doctor about possible side effects, alternatives and solutions.

Lifestyle factors have a great impact on erection. For instance, heavy drinking may immediately reduce your ability to have a strong erection. Long-term, excessive drinking can cause nerve and liver damage and hormonal imbalance.

Sedentary lifestyle scan lead to dysfunction. Men who smoke have a greater chance of developing the problem than men who do not use tobacco, according to a targeted clinical study.

When a man is anxious about his sexual performance, his erectile function can be affected. Tensions with your wife, whether related to sexual issues or others like finance, family issues etc, can negatively affect sexual function.

Among other health challenges is shrinking or small penis size. This has cause untold havoc in relationships. As I have told readers, lots of natural herbs from China are helping untold numbers of people.

Inhibited or retarded ejaculation, which is when ejaculation occurs slowly, is another sexual health challenge facing men. This is usually due to hormonal or electrolyte imbalances.

In addition, we have retrograde ejaculation. This occurs when, at orgasm, the ejaculate is forced back into the bladder rather than through the urethra and out the end of the penis.

Loss of libido or inhibited desire, is another type of sexual health problem. This refers to a decrease in desire for, or interest in sexual activity. Reduced libido can result from physical or psychological factors.

Performance anxiety is another challenge men face at one time or the other. When a man is anxious about his sexual performance, his erectile function can be affected. The good news about all these challenges is that lots of them have been eradicated permanently with some recently discovered natural supplements. Many sufferers who have met me have been able to testify to this, these supplement are available for your treatment and they work wonders.

Blood in the semen is another uncommon sexual health condition. It can be caused by many conditions affecting the male genitourinary system such as the bladder, urethra, the testicles, the tubes that distribute semen and the prostate gland.

It is most commonly as a result of an inflammation of the prostate gland or prostate-gland biopsy. More than 80% of men who undergo a prostate biopsy may have some blood in their semen that persists for three to four weeks. Likewise, vasectomy can lead to bloody semen for about one week after the procedure.

Inflammation of the prostate gland and cancer of the prostate gland is another major sexual health challenge facing men. The prostate gland is an organ that is located at the base or outlet (neck) of the urinary bladder. The gland surrounds the first part of the urethra. The urethra is the passage through which urine drains from the bladder to exit from the penis.

One function of the prostate gland is to help control urination by pressing directly against the part of the urethra that it surrounds. The main function of the prostate gland is to produce some of the substances found in normal semen, such as minerals and sugar. Semen is the fluid that transports the sperm to assist with reproduction.

In a young man, the normal prostate gland is the size of a walnut (30g). During normal aging, however, the gland usually grows larger. For example, an enlarged prostate gland can squeeze or encroach on the outlet of the bladder or the urethra, leading to difficulty with urination. The resulting symptoms commonly include slowing of the urinary stream and urinating more frequently, particularly at night.

When does it become cancerous? Frequent general check-ups reveal this earlier and make treatment easier. Prostate cancer is the most common disease in men and the second leading cause of deaths after lung cancer. Many experts in this field, recommend that beginning at age 40, all men should undergo screening for prostate cancer.

In the early stages, men may have no symptoms, later symptoms can include frequent urination, especially at night, difficulty starting or stopping urination, weak or interrupted urinary stream, painful or burning sensation during urination or ejaculation, blood in urine or semen. Advanced cancer can cause deep pain in the lower back, hips, or upper thighs.

Growing older is the greatest risk factor for prostate cancer, particularly after age 50. After 70, studies suggest that most men have some form of prostate cancer, though there may be no outward symptoms. Diet seems to play a role in the development of prostate cancer, which is much more common where meat and high-fat dairy are the source of stable food. A diet too low in fruits and vegetables may play a role.

QUESTION ONE

I am a 53-year-old wife; my husband and I have had a wonderful sex life. We never had a problem until three years ago when he took tablets for lowering cholesterol, which caused us not to have sex for about a year. When we tried, again I found it very painful not because of dryness, that has been taken care of with a gel you advised me to use. However, it feels like a ring around the outside edge of my vagina. It is like being cut with a knife on penetration and my legs would be vibrating at the same time. I have heard of Vaginismus but that is not what I am feeling. Is there a way out?

Quite a lot of medically prescribed drugs can cause loss of libido in men. Being in your menopausal stage and staying off sex for a year would make you to experience pain when you ‘resumed’ after a year, because your vagina has been really out of practice and anything that is not put to use will not only degenerate but would wither rapidly. In addition, you are by now some years past menopause. Inevitably, therefore, you would have a small degree of vaginal shrinkage since there are no natural supplies of the sex hormones again. You would need some of the female hormone estrogen cream to be applied round the opening of your vagina while you constantly practise Kegel exercise alongside.

QUESTION TWO

This is the third year into my marriage and I am still a virgin. I have not been able to have penetrative sex due to the pain it causes when attempting it. It is always impossible due to my muscles being so tense. My husband has been very understanding, thoughtful, and considerate and has always supportive. I am so desperate to have penetrative sex and a baby. I really wish there were drugs or supplements available which would loosen my muscles and save my marriage.

Many wives do recover from this condition and so would you. There are medical specialists who have received special training in this area. You can call 08029593116 for detailed help.