Category: Funmi Akingbade

By  Funmi Akingbade

One can no longer pretend that marital intimacy suffers greatly under the destructive and damaging effect of sexual health problems and their challenges.

Most times when I counsel couples, my heart bleeds when I see the threat and danger untreated sexual health challenges pose to their union. The most disappointing aspect is that 87% of couples are not even aware that these challenges can be prevented and treated.

Sexual health problem, or sexual health dysfunction, refers to a problem or set of problems during any stage of the active age, preventing couples from experiencing satisfaction from sexual activities.

While research suggests that 83% of men and 47% of women suffer from such challenges yet, still they remain a matter many couples are too shy, timid, cautious, uncertain and hesitant to discuss.

Fortunately, most cases are treatable, so it is important to share your concerns with your partner, doctor or sex therapist. Although both sexes are affected, men suffer more from it than the women. These problems occur in adults of all ages.

Among those commonly affected are people in the geriatric population, which may sometimes be related to a decline in health associated with aging due to bad life style. For this week’s article and next we shall extensively shed light on male sexual health dysfunctions and round it up with the sexual challenges facing women.

‘Alaji Alibi’ a motor dealer in his late 50s was in my office some weeks ago, wanting to know the causes of male sexual problems. He was experiencing some recession in his sexual performance and this was heartbreaking for him.

These challenges can be a result of a physical, psychological and medical problems. ‘How do sexual problems affect men, he asked?’ The most common in men are ejaculation disorders, erectile dysfunctions and inhibited sexual desire.

Psychological causes include work-related stress and anxiety, environmental pollution, concern about sexual performance, marital or relationship problems, depression, feelings of guilt, and the effects of a past sexual trauma.

Physical causes are many physical and/or medical conditions such as diabetes, heart and vascular (blood vessel) disease, neurological disorders, hormonal imbalance, chronic diseases such as kidney or liver failure, alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking. In addition, the side effects of certain medications are leading causes.

Let us start with erectile dysfunction and inhibited sexual desire. Erectile dysfunction (or ED), commonly referred to as ‘impotence’, is defined as the consistent inability to achieve and/or maintain an erection sufficient for satisfactory sexual intercourse.

Erectile dysfunction is a common male sexual disorder and responds to treatment about 95% of the time. Although psychology can play a major role in sexual function and desire, most erectile conditions have an underlying physical cause. It is important to note that failing to achieve and/or maintain an erection just once or very infrequently does not necessarily indicate erectile dysfunction. Factors like stress and alcohol consumption could be at play. For it to be diagnosed, the condition has to be consistent and recurring.

Erectile dysfunction can occur at any age, but is more common among men over the age of 65. An estimated 15% of 40-year-old men experience it, compared to 20-35% of 65-year-olds. Fortunately, it is treatable at all ages and many men can have normal erections well into their eighties and more.

Men who smoke or use alcohol excessively do increase their risk of being affected by erectile dysfunction, as do those with high blood pressure or diabetes.

The severity of condition ranges from mild to severe (complete loss of erectile function). Men who believe they are affected by it can experience low self-esteem, performance anxiety, depression, stress, and guilt and relationship problems. Without treatment, these psychological factors can compound the physical causes of erectile dysfunction.

Read Also: How to achieve maximum sexual impact

The condition can be harmful to a relationship, affecting a man’s self-image, his spouse’s, their relationship with each other. In order for treatment to be effective, couples need to communicate honestly and openly with each other. Discussing the condition and confronting any concerns either partner may have is critical for a relationship to remain healthy.

Appointments with a sex therapist mostly can solve this problem. A physical examination, medical and sexual history is necessary for effective assessment and treatment. It is very important that you tell your doctor if you are experiencing erectile dysfunction, as it can be a sign of other, serious conditions like heart disease. Identifying heart disease early on could very well save your life.

Most times when my clients speak with me about this I evaluate the most appropriate and possible treatments and in most cases, I have discovered that 36-hour-of-freedom-drug, and the natural herbs from Vietnam have proven to be highly effective with fantastic result for many. For detail enquiries about these and others, call 08029593116. Your sexual health is inextricably linked to your general health. It is always advisable that a man sees his doctor if he finds that he has any trouble with achieving erection. While dysfunction can be prevented or even reversed, it can be a symptom of a more serious health issue.

Because it is caused by problems with blood vessels, erectile dysfunction actually serves as an early warning of life-threatening conditions resulting from cardiovascular disease. It is said that 11% of men with this challenge will experience some form of cardiovascular event, (a stroke or heart attack) within five years. Understanding the several connections between erectile dysfunction and the health of your heart can help you recognise signs and symptoms of heart disease early on.

While it may not feel like it at the time, being diagnosed with erectile dysfunction can be a piece of good fortune in that it alerts your doctor to possible heart problems. In addition, of course, early treatment will dramatically increase your chances of overcoming cardiovascular disease and save your life.

So, what are the risk factors you should look out for? Atherosclerosis is a build-up of plaque in the arteries which can restrict the blood flow to your heart, legs and brain; that is why sometimes many men present signs and symptoms of waist and leg pains. It also affects blood-flow to your penis. Moreover, when blood does not sufficiently fill your penis, you will not be able to achieve an erection.

A high level of what is known as ‘bad’ cholesterol will contribute to atherosclerosis in the blood vessels. Smoking raises the risk of developing atherosclerosis. Men who smoke will experience an increased risk of a heart attack and are almost twice as likely to develop erectile dysfunction. High blood pressure is also a risk factor. It can lead to damage in the lining of arteries and accelerates atherosclerosis.

Men with diabetes are more likely to experience erection problems. The reason is blood vessels that supply the penis can partially close up due to diabetes-related damage. Recent studies have shown that men with diabetes who also have erectile dysfunction are at an even higher risk of cardiovascular disease than those who do not.

Weight is an issue as well. Heart disease and associated erectile dysfunction will more often affect overweight men. Certain medication that is used to treat heart disease can also cause you to experience problems achieving erections.

It is also worth bearing in mind that some medications prescribed for erectile dysfunction are not safe when used in combination with several heart medicines. You should not stop taking medication prescribed to you, but you can of course speak to your doctor about the possibility of being prescribed another drug that will not affect your ability to get an erection.

In most instances, erectile dysfunction can be treated, and getting it checked out is usually a simple procedure. Remember that it is often a symptom of a bigger problem. By resolving the health risk, you should resolve the impotence and improve your sex life.

For some men, making a few healthy lifestyle changes may solve the problem. Stopping smoking, losing excess weight, increasing physical activity and taking some natural anti-erectile dysfunction herbs may help you regain sexual function.

The impact of smoking and obesity on your general and sexual health are quite dramatic. Stopping smoking and getting down to your ideal weight are the two most important things you can do to improve your health. Smoking causes blood vessels to constrict and contributes to the formation of plaque, which restricts the flow of blood to your penis. Watch out for the concluding part of these series.

QUESTION ONE

My husband is undergoing chemotherapy treatment for prostate gland cancer. He is at the same time insisting I use my mouth on his penis but I feel it is not safe. What if I accidentally taste the cancer drug or cancer cell in his semen?

Even though the drugs that are used during chemotherapy are not excreted in semen in quantities that could be dangerous, it is not safe to use your mouth on his penis while he is undergoing chemotherapy. But using a condom on his penis might bail you out if he is insisting.

QUESTION TWO

I am a widow and for four years now I have not had sex. Can it affect me medically?

Not at all

QUESTION THREE

What causes pain in the abdominal region after ejaculation?

Infections, or some erectile cases or low testosterone level: you need to see a doctor fast

QUESTION FOUR

Will you advice singles to go for sperm count test before marriage?

Yes.

By FUNMI AKINGBADE

The primary reason for this column is to guide married couples to have blissful sex lives. So, I have gathered some facts about the patterns of male and female sex drives as established by researchers and sex therapists. However, couples should bear in mind that individual sex drive may vary from these norms.  According to the National Opinion Research Centre, the average couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Couples under age 30 say they have sex an average of 109 times a year. The average number drops to 70 times per year for 40-somethings and 52 times a year for couples in their 50s.

Experts say sex drive differ across gender divide, arguing that women’s sexual inclinations are more complicated than men’s. While men may be rigid and specific about what arouses them, women have less-directed sex drives. Researchers say women are more likely to be influenced by lots of irrelevant things and factors. Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context.

Experts say men score higher in libido, while women’s sex drive is more about intimacy. That does not mean that men do not seek intimacy, love, and connection in a relationship, just as women do; most men crave more foreplay, they just view the role of sex differently. “Women want to talk first, connect first, and then have sex. For men, sex is the connection. Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side. “It is their language of intimacy.” Successive studies illustrate that a man’s sex drive is not only stronger than woman’s but also more straightforward. The sources of a woman’s libido, by contrast, are more difficult to pin down. It is common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire.

Men want sex more often than women at the start of a relationship, in the middle of it, and after many years of it. About two-thirds say they masturbate, even though they feel guilty about it; but they are forced to do it due to rejection by their wives. Many married men confessed to having cheated on their wives; though they claimed to feel guilty about it, they blamed their indiscretion on their wives’ insensitivity to their sexual needs, fantasies and lack of innovation and tastelessness.

Men and women travel slightly different paths to arrive at sexual desire. I hear women say in my office that sexual desire originates more between their  ears than between their legs. For most married women, there is the need for a plan hence the romance affection and the foreplay. It is more about the anticipation, how you get there; it is the longing that is the fuel for desire. “A woman’s desire is more contextual, more subjective, more layered on a lattice of emotion,” according to experts. Men, by contrast, don’t need to have nearly as much imagination, since sex is simpler and more straightforward for them.

Most married women are influenced by the attitude of their peer group in their decisions about sex. Wives, who are not ‘religious’ are likely to have liberal attitudes about sex, they let go and release themselves to the pleasure sex has to offer than the most ‘religious’ ones.  Recent studies reveal that married women with higher education levels were more likely to have performed a wider variety of sexual practices; education, however, made less of a difference with men. Women were more likely to show inconsistency between their expressed values about sexual activities

Most married women under age 60, for instance, think about sex less than once a day.

While the majority of married men under 60 think about sex at least once a day. Only about a quarter of married women report this level of frequency. As men and women age, they fantasize less about sex but married men still fantasize about twice as often. Men reported more spontaneous sexual arousal and had more frequent and varied fantasies. context of a faithful and loving relationship.

Married women over 50 are more likely to report orgasm when a sexual event takes place in a totally strange environment. Researchers speculate that the coming together of long separated spouses may find the novelty of a new experience arousing.

Most second round sex is safe and healthy, sex therapists say. In addition, it can improve sexual function and relationships by teaching both spouses about their own sexual responses, so they are better able to explain to their partner what feels good to them. However, spouses who become too obsessed with third round sex may develop sexual problems or lose interest in sex with their partners.

Women experience orgasms differently than men; while researchers find it tricky to  quantify issues like the differing quality of male versus female orgasms, they do have data on how long it takes men and women to get there.

A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that the duration before an average married man ejaculates during sexual intercourse from the beginning of intercourse until ejaculation was 7.4 minutes, while the appropriate time should be 12 to 15 minutes. The average penis length is between eight and 10 inches when aroused and averages around 4.6 inches when flaccid. A man’s flaccid penis varies in size considerably because of various environmental factors and their effects on the sympathetic nervous system. Cold water and cold air are perhaps the best known causes of this “shrinkage” phenomenon but psychological stress can do the same thing. It is advisable to stay off stress and if you have a shrinking penis kindly contact me.

Only 10% of married men reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm, while 6% of married women reported that preference. Men are more likely to reach orgasm during intercourse but women are more likely to reach orgasm when they engage in intercourse or foreplay.

Most married women cannot have an orgasm without direct stimulation of the clitoris so they need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. For women who have trouble achieving orgasm, incorporating clitoral stimulation into sexual activity may be all that is necessary. The G-spot is described as a sexually sensitive part of a woman’s anatomy found in the anterior canal wall. However, some experts note that there is no unique anatomical structure where the G-spot is supposed to be located. If the G-spot exists, it is best described as an erogenous zone rather than a part of a woman’s anatomy.

Researchers who tracked 914 married men for 20 years found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half, compared with those who had sex less than once a month. They also found frequency of sex was not associated with stroke.

Although, 80 percent of couples report that the husband wants sex more often than his wife does, this may be a distorted number partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us typically think of sexual desire as a hunger for sex-often with sexual thoughts or fantasies-that prompts us to initiate sex.

It turns out, however, that most women experience a receptive type of sexual desire. Many years of research confirm that for many women, desire is” triggered” by thoughts and emotions arising during sexual excitement, not before. So, when a husband becomes frustrated because he wants his wife to pursue him sexually and he believes that she has no interest in sex because she doesn’t do that, he’s actually not giving her enough credit. Most women will respond positively to sexual advances; they just don’t initiate them because that’s not the way they are designed.

Since our culture defines sexual desire as initiating or seeking behaviour, we don’t identify a women’s receptivity as desire. This is a key area of misunderstanding between husbands and wives. Many women have commented to me,” I enjoy sex once we’re 10 to 15 minutes into foreplay, and I think, wow! We should do this more often! However, during the week, I hardly ever think about it. I wish I felt more sexual than I do, because I enjoy the closeness it brings.”

Most of us assume our partner should act the way we do. By recognising that most men are proactive with sex, while most women are reactive and accepting and respecting those differences, we can allow a woman ‘s type of sexual desire to “count.”

QUESTION ONE

Are we on the right path?

I am blood ‘O’ negative and my husband is also blood ‘O’ positive but I noticed that on two occasions when I needed blood transfusion during pregnancy, he donated blood for me and I suffered miscarriages. Is this a spell on us or does it has to do with my husband’s blood? I am confused. -Mrs. Adijatu Friday

Actually, blood type ‘O’ negative is the only blood type that can be used by anyone if your husband had blood ‘O’ negative, I am certain that the pregnancy may have been saved. Maybe there are other reasons for this but I need you to know that ideally, you should get your own blood type if you need a transfusion. But in an emergency, O negative can be used by anyone with any blood type. That’s because it doesn’t have any of the antigens — A, B, or Rh — that can lead your immune system to attack it. About 27% of people around the world have O negative blood. Although people with AB positive can use blood from anyone, they’re known as “universal recipients” because their blood has all the antigens — A, B, and Rh. If you have this type, your body will recognize any other blood type as its own. If not blood Rh negative is a factor that can cause problems during pregnancy. A woman’s blood can attack her baby’s blood cells if she’s Rh negative and the baby is Rh positive. This is called rhesus disease, and medication can prevent it. If you’re pregnant, you should have a blood test to find out your Rh factor. If you’re Rh negative, your doctor will recommend that you take the medication to be safe.

QUESTION TWO

I got married about seven years ago and the marriage is blessed with two lovely kids. I fall in the category of men who did not experiment sexually before marriage due to parental strictness and guidance (a blessing in disguise, you will say). Hence, I was looking forward to a sexually enjoyable and explosive marriage. I met my wife a virgin and she never allowed me to have sexual intercourse during our courtship.

The first six months of our marriage was beautiful when it comes to sex, but after then, her interest dwindled. She does not initiate sex anymore and I became more of a burden anytime I demand sex at night. These days, I am lucky when I am able to have it once in a week; best-case scenario is twice in a week. I have tried my best to make her happy by buying her gifts from time to time; but the effect does not last long. I bought a Honda car for her just for good sex but nothing changes.

It is becoming so frustrating. I have tried on a couple of occasions to make her read your columns but she does not; she is not an avid reader. I am giving up the fight and I do not want to seek for pleasure outside my marriage even though the temptations are always there. I am confused.

Thanks a lot for sharing with me. I want to first appreciate the fact that you have done a great job by not taking irrational decisions. I would also want to add that you should try to create time-out whereby you get to pour your heart out to your wife the way you did to me now. I am so sure that when she realizes the importance, she will definitely change because no woman wants her marriage destroyed. You can do this by going for a weekend vacation to a free, quiet and private place together. Keep the children with trusted friends and just go out alone together. This eradicates stress and helps both of you to unwind.

You should also remember that affection and foreplay means a lot to many ladies. If you skip foreplay, most of them feel as if they are been legally raped or put under the knife of a surgeon doctor. Then make sure that the way and manner you address and talk to her is befitting a wife and not an elevated house girl.

By Funmi Akingbade

Premature ejaculation, or ejaculating before you or your wife want you to, is a common problem that strikes most men at some point in their lives.

Several factors can influence when ejaculation occurs, but it can be controlled with some forethought or, in extreme cases, with medical intervention. Here are some strategies to help you get over premature ejaculation and improve your sexual stamina.

Sometimes we do not have any medical condition, this just happens. For quick fixes I suggest you just wear a condom or two together at the same time as the case may require. It sounds too simple to be true, but it works for a lot of men.

The most natural is to apply strategic pressure; with a little anatomy knowledge you can delay an oncoming ejaculation by applying pressure to one of two spots.

First is pressing on the perineum. This is a spot midway between your scrotum and your anus, and firm pressure will help to stop ejaculation because this spot reaches through to the prostate gland. It is the prostate that contracts and expands during orgasm and then expels the ejaculation fluid.

If you find it difficult to do just make sure you are very clean down there and thereafter ask your wife to assist in applying this loving pressure for you.

The testes tug: When a man is so close to orgasm, his scrotum rises up closer to his body. You can delay ejaculation by gently pulling your testes down and away from your body. To make it more romantic and passionate, train your wife to do this for you.

Another natural way is to do all you can to reduce anxiety. For many husbands an extreme eagerness to impress their wives, coupled with anxiety and pressure to perform, has been a major contributor to premature ejaculation.

Relax and remember that your wife probably cares about you and all you represent in her life more than the timing of your orgasms, and that premature ejaculation doesn’t mean you can’t still be good in bed.

Don’t start off sex with orgasm in focus; take climaxing out of your expectations. Instead of viewing intercourse only as a means of achieving orgasm, reframe it as a relaxing, pleasurable time with your wife and a time of bonding that you can enjoy regardless of ejaculation.

For effectiveness take time out and discuss this new mindset with your wife, so she can stop pressuring you, intentionally or un-intentionally. Then while in the very act of sex do all you can to think non-sexual thoughts. If you notice yourself getting too excited, turn your thoughts to something distant, abstract and unsexy, such as math, rush hour traffic or a football match.

Only dwell on it long enough to give yourself a short break from arousal, maybe five to 10 seconds, and then refocus your attention on your wife and the action of sex. Avoid thinking of a topic that is going to make you stressed or cause you to lose your arousal entirely. Thoughts such as the payment of the children’s school fees, Nigeria’s erratic electricity supply or some mood-killer thoughts.

Now, proceed further and try edging. Edging, or orgasm control, is the practice of maintaining a high level of sexual arousal while delaying ejaculation. It takes practice, but it gets easier over time.

Here are two methods recommended to stop premature ejaculation. Stop-and-start method: Have intercourse as usual until you feel yourself coming uncomfortably close to orgasm. Immediately and abruptly cease all stimulation for 30 seconds, and then start again. Repeat this pattern until you’re ready to ejaculate.

Squeeze method: Have intercourse as usual until you feel like orgasm is seconds away. Abruptly stop other stimulation and gently muscle is strong enough, you should be able to hold it off just like stopping flow when urinating. Practice controlling your orgasm. When you are with your wife, focus on improving your control over your climax. Stimulate yourself to the edge of climax and then stop.

Do this several times before finishing. As you practice, learn to recognize the feeling of getting close to orgasm, and take note of how close you can get and still effectively stop, and when you’ve reached a “point of no return.” During intercourse, use that knowledge to slow down or adjust your movements if you get too close too early.

Condoms reduce stimulation for most men, which should prolong the time before ejaculation. But while looking for a condom to buy steer clear of condoms that are marketed as extra thin, instead get a brand that allows more stimulation later.

Some condoms are coated with a slight numbing gel on the inside. This can help you put off ejaculation for longer without causing numbness to your wife. (Just make sure you know which side is where when you put it on).

Use an analgesic cream or spray. There are two classes of these products. The first is the traditional “numbing” creams and sprays that have been on the market for some time. The advantage is that you’ll feel less sensation, which will delay ejaculation. While the disadvantage is that your wife may suffer a loss of sensation as well and of course less sensitive intercourse is not always an appealing notion, even in these circumstances.

There is a new class of topical herbs that absorb into the skin to deliver a mild anaesthetic to the sensory nerves below the top layer of skin of the penis. This allows men to have ejaculatory control but with less loss of sexual sensation, and reduces the transference to their wives.

If you routinely ejaculate less than a minute and a half after beginning vaginal intercourse, and none of the above fixes have worked, it might be time to see a sex therapist.

QUESTION ONE

Whenever I am naked in the presence of my husband I feel I am not sexually attractive to him anymore. He does not stare or move towards me as he used to when we were newly married. Then, whenever I am naked he wanted sex, but now I wonder what goes on in his mind when we make love. Is he tolerating my sagged breast and protruded tummy with stretch marks, or is he really making love to me because he has to or what? I don’t enjoy sex when this goes on in my mind and because of this I cover up my nakedness.

When it comes to body image and confidence, ladies tend to be their own worst enemies as regards their flaws. You may find it difficult to believe but a good number of husbands are not really thinking about those stretch marks, sagged breast or those extra pounds.  Men are much less observant of our perceived flaws than we think. In fact, “they wouldn’t notice a C-section scar or stretch mark if we didn’t bring them up. Men are turned on by the confidence we display during sex, so instead of worrying over nothing why not flaunt the parts you’re proud of? The minute you take off your clothes, your husband is concentrating on one thing: you (and maybe what he wants to do to you.) In general, men can think about only one thing at a time, so when you’re naked, he’s not worrying about any other thing but the business of sex.  Because men are visual creatures I will suggest you disrobe as often as you can. Once you disrobe, there may be something unexpected on your man’s mind; not being able to see your body takes away from his pleasure. Seeing all of each other nakedness is an important part of the sexual experience. If you’re not comfortable under bright lights, I suggest dimming them or lighting a few candles so there’s some visibility. Many wives often complain that their husbands don’t think of them enough. If you’re concerned about this, maybe you should get naked! You’ll definitely be on his mind then.

QUESTION TWO

I work in the banking sector and hardly have time for my husband. Sex is almost a forgotten thing in our home. We hardly talk about it and I sense that my husband may be satisfying himself through other means. I know if anything happens I am to be blamed and before then I want to make things right. If I can’t make love every day, what are the best times to have sex?

Timing is important and crucial when it comes to sex. The top time is when you and your husband are likely out of the office. When you have no work pressures and are spending many hours with your mate, it’s easier to have luxurious, unhurried sex that lasts and lasts, a slow build-up is key. Flirt with your husband in the morning by whispering in his ear and then make lots of eye contact with him during meals. As you would likely notice, men often wake up with erections so instead of making him wait all day, set your alarm for 20 minutes earlier on a work day and have a quickie first thing in the morning. You might enjoy it more, too. As women age, they tend to get more tired at night, so evening sex may be less desirable. You have more energy for morning sex. One of the best times you’re most likely to experience a mind-bending orgasm is actually the day before you get your period. This is when blood accumulation makes your uterus heavy, and contractions are more perceptible during orgasm, and your labial and clitoral tissue tends to be more sensitive when you retain fluids. Even if you’re feeling grouchy and uncomfortable, give sex a consideration at such times you will be glad you did. Besides, making love while you’re on your period can actually reduce uncomfortable cramps. It may be because an orgasm causes uterine contractions which ease pain and your body releases the hormone oxytocin and the neurotransmitter dopamine, which make you feel happy and relaxed. Plan an unforgettable evening out: being outdoors means you’ve already left your comfort zone, so you may be more likely to think outside the box.

By Funmi Akingbade

I have had the opportunity for many years to counsel many intending couples whose relationships have ended in a good marriage. However, in the course of my interaction (unbelievable as it may sound) I have discovered that close to 50% of such intending couples (male and female) were in a non-sexual relationship.

My phones were always busy with all types of questions on how to deal with their wedding night. They didn’t know what to do sexually, how to go about it, and many ended up with a sexless or frustrated honeymoon.

So, today, I want to elaborate on the different things virgin spouses need to keep in mind before having sex. It’s also about the things they need to do to make sure it’s a pain-free and memorable experience for both.

When couples are ready for sex for the first time, the excitement may be so overpowering. On the other hand, it’s very easy to let anxiety take over because for most ladies one of the biggest worries is the pain associated with first time sex.

She wonders in apprehension what it will be like; will it hurt, how much does it hurt? Does it hurt for all ladies? Why do ladies bleed? Would I bleed, will I enjoy it? Am I going to have orgasm? How does an orgasm feel?

The truth is many ladies don’t feel any pain at all the first time they have sexual intercourse. Very few ladies actually experience pain that’s unbearable. And if you do experience any pain at all while having sex for the first time, the pain may be similar to a pinprick. The psychological trauma of imagining how much it would hurt is almost always a lot worse than the actual pain many ladies feel!

While having sex for the first time, there may be spotting or bleeding because of the tear in the hymen. How much you bleed depends on the size and thickness of your hymen. But if you do bleed, you may just notice a bit of spotting on your bed or, at times, something that resembles your period stain on the sheets.

The hymen which is a thin membrane ‘like very thin skin’ that partially closes the opening to the vagina could tear for several reasons like vigorous exercises, aerobics, energetic dances or even while getting fingered, so for such ladies the hymen may not be a sign of virginity, but sexual intercourse.

After having sex for the first time, you may continue to bleed a little over a few days. But if you see anything more than a bit of spotting in your underwear or scant traces when you pee, speak to someone you trust in the family or get in touch with your doctor.

Few brides who have sex for the first time could experience some soreness for a day or two. Yes, it’s just because you have worked your internal muscles that have been dormant. So, it’s natural to feel a bit sore just like you would after a good workout.

The virgin groom on the other hand will also wonder what it will be like. Will I satisfy her? Will I have erection? Am I impotent? Am I a real man? Can I be a father? The best thing to do is to just relax and have a loving attitude towards yourselves and do not make it mandatory to have sex or practice all the expert methods that same night.

Start off by helping each other to undress and give room for both of you to refresh yourselves with a good bath. This is necessary to calm you down after the ordeal of the wedding ceremony you have both gone through. The physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion might affect you negatively if not well handled.

It is, therefore, very important to be in a relaxed mood and not compulsorily focus your mind on sex for the night; you still have all other nights to yourselves.  Then just relax and do not look too serious.  At this point you both should chat, say something sweet and romantic to each other. This should be done more by the groom, in so doing it will relax the bride the more.

The same goes to the bride – do not appear as a saintly prey and the man as the merciless devourer; give your husband a reassuring look of acceptance and approval.

After bathing – which you can take together – change into something comfortable and lovely. The bride should change into something sweet, irresistible, transparent and seductive, preferably a new lacy bra and undies with a good body perfume. The bride just has to smell very good. The groom likewise should change into a good pajamas, make use of a good perfume, after-shave and comb his hair neatly.

QUESTION ONE

I am at the bridge of calling it quits with my wife of 18 years. Initially I thought this whole saga will disappear like a nightmare and everything will become normal again but to my frustration it getting worse by the day. Since my wife came across this so-called man of God sex had been very beautiful. As a matter of fact she teaches me lots of sexual moves and tricks. But ever since she became member of this church I have to give a month notice before she will look into her timetable or schedule to create a space for lovemaking with me – her husband. As if this is not bad enough when eventually she consider having sex with me she has to first put a call to her pastor and ask if she should go ahead and have sex with me. What type of a miserable life is this? I want your opinion before send her packing.

This is more of a spiritual matter than sexual or physical. I think the best thing here is for you and your wife to see a sincere clergyman together. One you are sure she respects and would appreciate his counsel. There is a misconception of real relationship with God and being religious here, and it takes a person of a godly reputation to help clear the controversy.

QUESTION TWO

I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes. In the first outbreak I got treated and tested. The result came out negative. I was so happy but then I had a second outbreak six months later and went to my doctor and had various tests done. But when the result came out it was positive and since then I have been placed on some form of treatment. But the real reason I’m asking this question is that I have a lot of yeast infection outbreaks at the same time. It’s so horrible sometimes I feel something is crawling all over my body. Does the medicine for herpes treatment cause this?

Although yeast infections come as a result of a PH imbalance, but if you are placed on continuous antibiotics for the treatment of anything, it may be a reason for you to be easily infected with yeast infection and even have a breakout. The drugs have given room for a growth of yeast infection due to PH imbalance. Try eating yogurt to help get the PH balance back and also take a lot of vegetables.

QUESTION THREE

My blood pressure is always irregular before and after sex. What is going on? Are there reasons for this irregularity? Is there a problem with my heart? I am hypertensive and fear for my life.

Sex like any other physical activity could increase the rate of heart beat and cause a rise in blood pressure during and after because of the exertion on the heart. But a lot of irregularity in blood pressure measurements is as a result of faulty readings. How do you go about it? First and foremost before taking your blood pressure: find a quiet place. (You will need to listen for your heartbeat.) Roll up the sleeve on your left arm or remove any tight-sleeved clothing. It’s best to take blood pressure from the left arm, if possible. Make sure you rest in a chair next to a table for five to 10 minutes. Your left arm should rest comfortably at heart level, then sit up straight with your back against the chair, legs uncrossed; rest your forearm on the table with the palm of your hand facing up.

If you purchase a manual or digital blood pressure monitor, follow the instruction booklet carefully. Locate your pulse by lightly pressing your index and middle fingers slightly to the inside centre of the bend of the elbow. Here you can feel the pulse of the brachial artery. If you cannot locate a pulse, place the head of the stethoscope (on a manual monitor) or the arm cuff (on a digital monitor) in the same general area.

Secure the cuff by threading the cuff end through the metal loop and slide the cuff onto your arm, making sure that the stethoscope head is over the artery. (When using a manual monitor, the cuff may be marked with an arrow to show the location of the stethoscope head.)

The lower edge of the cuff should be about 1 inch above the bend of your elbow. Place the stethoscope in your ears. Tilt the earpiece slightly forward to get the best sound. Inflate and deflate the cuff if you are using a manual monitor: hold the pressure gauge in your left hand and the bulb in your right. Close the airflow valve on the bulb by turning the screw clockwise.  Inflate the cuff by squeezing the bulb with your right hand. You may hear your pulse in the stethoscope. Watch the gauge. Keep inflating the cuff until the gauge reads about 30 points (mm Hg) above your expected systolic pressure.

At this point, you should not hear your pulse in the stethoscope. Keeping your eyes on the gauge, slowly release the pressure in the cuff by opening the airflow valve counter clockwise. The gauge should fall only two to three points with each heartbeat. (You may need to practice turning the valve slowly.) Listen carefully for the first pulse beat. As soon as you hear it, note the reading on the gauge. This reading is your systolic pressure.  Continue to slowly deflate the cuff. Listen carefully until the sound disappears. As soon as you can no longer hear your pulse beat, note the reading on the gauge. This reading is your diastolic pressure. Allow the cuff to completely deflate and make sure you are not entertaining any form of fear or anxiety all through.

QUESTION FOUR

When I was in my 20’s I had a perfectly healthy sex drive. Now, in my mid-30′s, I find myself totally disinterested 95% of the time. Is this normal? Don’t you think I am too young to be disinterested in sex? I am trying to figure out if it could be due to hormonal birth control, as I am now on one of such. Help! It shouldn’t be this way; I’m a young, healthy, mostly well-adjusted wife. What’s going on?

Family planning drugs do affect libido. In some women, the pill increases libido, in others it decreases it, and still in others it has no effect at all. When next you want to fix one make sure you do that under the supervision of a family planning officer and make sure you relate your experience before they place you on another type.

By Funmi Akingbade

Sometimes when couples’ lives have been rocked by major events like stressful festive period, child birth, illness, job loss, relocation and so on, it’s likely that the last thing they want to do is stoke the flames of passion.

This is because trauma can temporarily, and sometimes permanently, crush the chemical signals that affect arousal and desire. However, it’s important to note that these negative effects are just temporary and there are ways to bring back your spouse’s libidinal desire and put the heat back into your love life.

Festive and celebration times come with lots of joy and partying. It is a time to be merry and comes once in a while, yet this period can leave you so exhausted that all you want to do after each day is go straight to sleep. And before you know it you are ignoring and taking for granted one of the most important person to you: your spouse.

After the merriment of that day to remember, to keep the spark in your relationship alive you can send quick, flirtatious text messages to your partner during the day-time. It very important to spend time together – at least 20 minutes daily before sleeping off; using  this transition time together will leave you relaxed enough to make time for lovemaking later on in the deep night or early mornings.

Childbirth is another joyful time that comes with unimaginable stress – especially for the wife. A woman suddenly goes from being a lover to a mother, her vagina is now a birth canal and her breasts are for feeding a child. Some wives even have stitches from caesarian section or episiotomy, while the bloodstream is being flooded with a hormone called oxytocin, causing many to focus on bonding with their babies than wanting to make love.

Many couples have sleepless nights changing diapers, and on top of these physical changes come emotional ones. But despite these shifts, couples can still pave the way to a complete return of sexual functioning by being physically affectionate as soon as the baby arrives which usually happens slowly, over the course of three to six months.

For most women, being embraced and touched is the most important form of foreplay. So, rediscover sex by reaching out for hugs, kiss holding hands – even when the two of you are holding the baby.

Once you’re both comfortable with leaving the baby, create time for physical intimacy in your hectic new mom-father schedule by having a friend or family babysit so you both can enjoy some time together. Even if you don’t have sex, make sure your night ends with a few minutes of cuddling in each other’s arms. Sooner than you expect sex is rediscovered in a strong and powerful way.

When either of the spouse is diagnosed with life-altering disease, ordinarily one is not expected to think or ask for sex until the sick one is well or on the road to recovery. Instead of this being a temporary thing, many couples rule intimacy out of their relationship altogether.

It may be true that you may not be physically able to have sex, but you can set the stage for future intimacy by getting into a deep level of communication, so that your emotional connection stays strong; just to make sure your relationship is not to blame for your current lack of sexual spark. As soon as your health permits, get sexually intimate immediately.

The more sexual pleasure you experience the more your organs get activated and the more your total wellness improves. Though it may take time to reignite your libido, especially if your illness was linked to your reproductive organs, this is where spouses should be friendlier with one another so as to gain each other’s confidence and understanding.

Most times many husband with erectile dysfunction-related problems such as diabetes, hypertension, enlarged prostate gland and obesity find it difficult to bring their wives into the picture. Instead of finding solutions together at this stage, many drift apart for lack of good communication.

Just as drugs to treat serious illness can dampen desire, so too can medications for diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and other common conditions. For example, some birth control pills lower women’s libido more than other oral contraceptive formulas. But when couples share virtually every life issue together things work out well in spite of prevailing challenges.

Testosterone reaches its lowest level at menopause, which happens on average at age 51. The thyroid hormone levels nose-dive; leaving most women with less energy for lovemaking, and blood flow to the genitals lessens, inhibiting lubrication. But menopause doesn’t mean the end of scorching sex. It could be rediscovered when you give your body the extra time it now needs to get aroused, or find a sexual lubricant that works for you.

When one partner discovers an act of infidelity, the offended person will likely be too hurt and angry to even want to have sex. But I have discovered that couples that stay together and work thing out may have a better relationship than when they newly got married. Trust could be re-established and the relationship can be rebuilt into a healthier one and eventually, having sex can help the two of them regain emotional intimacy.

The death of a loved one can even turn some spouses off sex and if care is not taken this could permanently destroy the union. So, as you mourn your loss, it’s essential that you communicate your grief so your partner is aware of it and will be patient with you when it comes to resuming sex.

Tell him or her how you feel so he or she can get a sense that you are suffering and not just rejecting his or her sexual signals. Then make time together to share what makes you feel alive and happy even as you are honouring your loss. A study has shown that physical intimacy can help relieve depression and emotional pain.

QUESTION ONE

Until my husband grinds his teeth while we are making love he will never climax, I started noticing this after he got a new job. Although, he has been working so hard these days but why must he grind his teeth each time he is about to reach orgasm? Is it spiritual or is it a sign of some inner illness?

Calm down! There is no need for fear. All things been equal stress may make him clench and grind his teeth at any time during the day or at night, and often subconsciously. You may not have noticed this at some other time. I am sure if you pay close attention to him you will notice he does it at some other times. If he already has the habit of clenching and grinding of teeth before now, stress could make the habit worse. The only disadvantage of grinding teeth is having problems with his temporomandibular joint (TMJ) located in front of the ear where the skull and lower jaw meet. Normally dentists recommend a night guard, for such people to help stop or minimize the actions. But the best cure is for you to help him alleviate things that further stress him since he has a hectic job already.

QUESTION TWO

Dear Funmi. Male masturbation seems to be the only way out of sexual temptation for a young man like me who is not ready for commitment or the actual act of sex. It is very hard keeping oneself under ‘sexually checked’ other than to masturbate. But it seems everywhere I turn I’m told it’s not healthy. Are there any health benefits of masturbation?

If there’s one thing that almost every young adult and some grown-ups are expert at, it’s masturbation. Unfortunately, I am yet to find out any health benefit of masturbation. As soon as I do I will get it across. However, study after study shows that lawful intercourse between the married has all sorts of benefits for married men – from their blood pressure level to their heart and prostate health,  even level of pain, and more.

One would think that masturbation would, too’ but it doesn’t.  Masturbation doesn’t have the health benefits that sex provides. Even the type of orgasms you get from masturbation are not the same you experience with sex: the body seems to respond differently.

Even the makeup of semen is different if you masturbate instead of having sex. Masturbation is not risk-free even though it looks like it’s low-risk, and appears as if it’s the safest form of sex possible for the unmarried. But like other low-risk activities, it still has some subtle risks.

Frequent or rough masturbation can cause minor skin irritation and forcefully bending an erect penis can rupture the chambers that fill with blood. Besides there’s no “normal” amount of masturbation whether you masturbate too much or not, it is not normal.

The most damaging thing about male masturbation is that it affects your relationship now or in the future, as it may impede your sexuality – causing you to deal fruitlessly with premature ejaculation, weak erection, low sperm count and infertility.

QUESTION THREE

What is deep vein thrombosis? How is it cured?

Deep vein thrombosis is the formation of a blood clot in a deep vein predominantly in the legs. Signs may include pain, swelling, redness, warmness. It is better you see a medical doctor for treatment. But whenever you’re at your desk, try to regularly move your feet and calf muscles try pumping your feet. While you’re seated, put your feet flat on the floor. Raise your toes in the air while keeping your heels on the ground. Hold for 3 seconds. Then reverse plant your toes, raise your heels, and hold for 3 seconds. Lift your feet off the floor and circle them to the right do this for 15 seconds, then reverse.

If you’re going on a trip, wear light, loose-fitting, comfortable clothing. Don’t wear anything that could restrict your circulation. Drink lots of water, too. When you’re on a long flight, stay away from alcohol and sleeping pills.

You need to stay awake enough to get up and walk around every hour or two. It’s important to boost your circulation and keep your muscles moving. When you’re sitting, change your position often. Don’t cross your legs, since that can reduce blood flow.

QUESTION FOUR

I have been married for 15 years but since inception of our marriage I have always been having pain during sex. I have seen various doctors and been given different types of medications. But I am still the way I am. I love to have sex with my husband. What else can I do to enjoy sex? Are there tips or positions?

It has been discovered that just daily routine exercise takes away years of bone and muscle discomforts. I would suggest you do a suitable routine exercise. Besides, the best sexual positions you can engage in is woman-on-top position. It gives the woman more control, taking sex at a pace that is comfortable for her.

By Funmi Akingbade

There are days when a man comes home desperate for rest after a day’s exhaustive work and just wants to just hit the bed and sleep off. And there are other days when husbands are as active as you can ever imagine, but there is no accompany libido for a hot night from their wives.

What do many couples do in such an instance? Many spouses just put forward their best excuse and go on auto-pilot. The truth is if you do this often, you will blow your relationship that you have laboured to build over the years.

A few years ago I was privileged to counsel a wonderful couple in my office and below was the conversation that ensued as I tried to help them enjoy the beautiful gift of sex.

Husband: “Madam, when it comes to bedroom activities my wife is good at giving all forms or shades of excuses just to avoid sex. As a matter of fact giving of excuses is what she does for a living!”

The amazing response from the wife was: “Madam, if something is sweet would you refuse to eat it even when you are tired?” Needless to say that the statement of the wife was loaded.

Let me begin by saying that to avoid excuses for dodging sex, it really takes two to tango.

Let’s look at some things that spouses can do together to prevent unwanted excuses and see how we can handle them for real. Truth be told, many excuses centre around activities because they have pending work to complete.

Wife if you find yourself reaching out for the laundry basket in a bid to deliberately ignore your husband’s advance, or when your husband deliberately grabs his computer when he notices his wife is trying her best to reach out to him, then it’s time to stop this becoming a pattern.

Clearly, you two are trying to avoid your spouse and if he or she fails to realize that today, they will definitely do so tomorrow. You can bust this excuse by asking yourself an honest question: do I really need to complete this task now? Can it not be done at a later time? If your phone takes your attention more than your partner does, put it out of the bedroom entirely.

Most times the challenge of many couples is that they don’t have privacy when it comes to their sex life and their children’s demands. When couples are always bothered that the kids might walk in or call for attention, they won’t engage in sex for fear of their kids walking in while they are at it.

Though this excuse may be true initially, it eventually becomes a survival gambit. This is the refuge many mothers and wives runs to; it really never helps matters at all. But instead of this destroying the good time you share together you could have your friends or relatives take your kids over for a day or two.

Remember that your relationship is as important as your kids and teaching them that you and your spouse need some private time now and then will help them learn about boundaries and their importance early in life.

I heard a wife scream at her husband over the phone some time ago, while both were arguing over who to help out the in-laws. She shouted and said: “I am mad at you and I can’t think of even having sex with you now or ever!”

Many couples have destroy their marital bed with this type of attitude to an irrevocable limit. Words are not cheap, words create atmosphere, especially so when spoken in a certain way. When couples habitually speaks words that destroy the sexual interest of the other partner, it is harder for such relationships to enjoy the best of intimacy. What invariable happens is excuses become the order of the day.

But I tell couples that they will always find something or the other that will trouble their minds as far as their relationship is concerned, because the fellow we are married to will, shall and may offend us often, if not daily. Remember, offences comes from close quarters and close proximity.

Now using anger as your stalling tactic can bring a lot of unwanted damage to your relationship. If you are resentful of every slight mistake and you allow it to be a sex deal breaker, just know that in a matter of time you will hate that spouse. You will never see anything good about him or her. So give room for weaknesses to grow into strength.

He wants to have sex but you cannot because all you are thinking about is ‘I am menstruating.’ You may really be having your period, but if you use that a lot of times as a blanket excuse, you could be building relationship problems over time.

If you just cannot think about having sex when you are having periods, let your husband know and he will respect that. But, remember that you don’t always have to have penetrative sexual encounters to perfect your intimacy levels, you could cuddle, hug and smooch.

Another big myth many wives believe is they think they must have orgasm in each and every sexual encounters time. I am not sure this is the truth. One wife told me while I was trying to let her know that female sexuality differs from woman to woman. She said: “Madam, there is no point having sex if I never get to have an orgasm anyway. I have tried and tried and I just can’t achieve one.”

Therein lies the problem. Wives quit trying to have an orgasm. Husbands quit trying to give your wives an orgasm, just enjoy the act like normal humans and not try having sex like experts! You are putting yourselves under undue sexual pressures.

Wives please remember that your husband may not have experimented with all the moves to help you reach orgasm, but putting it out openly to him that there’s no point to having sex without climax, is like destroying his manly ego and also truncating all the possibilities of enjoying sex. Imagine how you’d feel if he told you that you never did anything right to please him. You’d want to know what it is that you can do to make him feel nice.

Our case is different: we work round the clock. It is common in relationships for couples to work round the clock. But, then who said that sex has to happen at a certain time, in a particular place, or for a particular period of time? You could meet up for lunch at a guest house and have the best of sex, or wake up in the middle of night and have a passionate sex. Although, this may not seem like much of a long-term solution, it is one of the best ways in which you can preserve intimacy.

I’m too tired for sex tonight. If you have an energy-sapping, task-filled activities kind of job, you have the luxury to present this excuse to brush-off almost everything that you do not want to do and that includes sex. But be assured that sex will not take a whole night to end and spoil your sleep. In fact, it will help you sleep better.

Moreover, if you really can’t think about sex, you can wisely present it to the partner that is burning with desire in such a way that it will not subject your marriage to relationship turbulence.

I can’t miss my favourite soap opera; there is too much to see on the TV. No matter how lame this may seem, entertainment does have more significance than real life sometimes. Even though staying up a night to watch your favourite soap opera or reality show when your partner goes to bed is all right, but picking fictional characters over your spouse over the years can hurt the relationship. powering down all the electronic equipment at least an hour before getting to bed can make things more favourable for couples.

Oh, not again! I thought we already have enough sex! Is sex your food? We often tend to compare our sex lives with that of somebody else’s that we come to know of either in the office or elsewhere. What matters is not the number of times that your best friend has sex with her husband but the number of times that he or you want. An average number should depend on your spouse’s need and your sensitivities to each other’s happiness and satisfaction.

Wives often think a great body equals great sex so when they think they are not looking good, they say “I don’t feel very nice about my body right now.” While on one hand, women put their vanity over intimacy, on the other hand, all men think about is that they want you and not whether you have mascara on your face or a “fall down dead” thighs.

If you think you are fat and losing some pounds would make you feel better about yourself, then go ahead with it. The very thought that you would set forth on your route to a better frame will make you feel better about yourself. You could also get yourself new lingerie or haircut to feel better.

QUESTION ONE

Is it true that laptops damage sperm cells?

Actually, extended use of laptops by placing them on the lap can damage male sperm, according to a study published in the journal of fertility and sterility. Results revealed that after four hours of exposure, the sperm decreased its motility and developed DNA damage.

Furthermore, about 25 percent of sperm stopped moving by virtue of close exposure to laptop Wi-Fi radiation. But when the laptop was kept away, only 14 percent of the sperm stopped moving.

Researchers also found out that DNA of the sperm with nine percent of exposure to radiation developed damage. The damage caused was three times greater than that done to the sperm that was not exposed to radiation. The point here is to watch out for extensive exposure because too much of everything is bad.

 QUESTION TWO

Can I get pregnant again if I am breastfeeding?

All things being equal women who breastfeed regularly experience a delay in ovulation. Ovulation is the time when the egg is released from the ovary. It occurs before a female starts having menstrual periods. But sometimes some women could or may become pregnant during this time, especially when there is a previous history of irregular menstrual flow.

QUESTION THREE

Are there natural ways to remove cluster of warts around the penis? My husband has this bushy, irritable warts all over his penis and his pubic area. I have suggested time without number that he should see a doctor for a minor surgical operation as suggested by the doctor when I informed him. But he has vowed never to get medical assistance, giving some flimsy excuses. Although, it does not hurt me during sex, the fact that such things hang all over his penis irritate me. Is there a natural way out?

Though it sounds unusual, yes there is a natural way out.  Any category of warts at any particular location on the body can fall off if you can get to rub the wart with a banana peel daily. You can even apply a piece of banana peel directly to the wart and hold in place with an adhesive bandage or piece of secure tape. It may take several weeks to see any progress, so be patient. Not only does banana peel help eliminate warts, but it also prevents their return. The only challenge is that it is burdensome, clumsy and messy.