The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Sharp emotional arrows

    Sharp emotional arrows

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    What happens when you step on emotional toes? Well, that, unfortunately, is Moyo’s predicament at the moment. Slim, tall, with a flawless skin and curves in the right places, she has succeeded in stealing hearts from dusty emotional shelves.

    Why not! An eye (heart) for an eye (heart). Scroll down memory lane and you also find that our dear friend was a victim; valuable hearts had vanished courtesy of some emotional shoplifters.

    Recently, she ran out of luck and was declared ‘wanted’. She took to her heels and tried to find solace in the emotional jungle. The rugged owner of a missing heart did not give up; she staked everything to have her pound of flesh from the hawk-the one that had caused her so much pain. Strategically, she combed the nooks and crannies carefully and finally found the queen of heart, looking remorseful.

    This was not the best time for sermons, and so she was beaten to a state of coma, with memorable scars. Jungle justice! It is the norm and so it is best to tread with caution.

    If you do not want to be an emotional prey, then you must be in charge of the terrain. Don’t also bite more than you can chew. Always make sure that cupid’s arrow is on target, there is no harm trying again and again. Arrows? Yes, they are symbols that we see all the time. From the street signs, road markings and markings on the doors indicating direction to a choice location. This also reminds you of Jeffrey archer’s book, a Quiver full of Arrows. Fortunes are made and squandered, honor betrayed and redeemed and love lost and rediscovered. In this collection of short stories, you find the passion that drive men and women to love and to hate.

    A good hunter must have a quiver filled with a sharp emotional arrows (strategies). Love birds need different arrows for the different phase(s) in their relationships. Arrows also have their different functions and you must understand the terrain. When you use a wrong arrow for the wrong target, it is not likely to work.

    What are you ‘chasing’ would determine the type of arrows required to achieve your emotional aims and objectives. In the emotional jungle, you run into all kinds of hearts. Hearts that are as gentle as dove, hearts that are alluring as well as romantic. On the other side of the emotional divides are lions crocodiles, hyenas and antelopes.

    Sadly, the emotional wilderness can be a death trap if you are not careful. You are likely to run into trouble when you list expect it to happen. On the prowl are hearts that are as cunning as a fox or hearts that are as wild as the tiger.

    If you are unlucky to fall hopelessly and helplessly with hearts in this category, then you must have your quiver filled with deadly emotional arrows. The arrows you chose would ultimately determine who becomes the prey in the emotional jungle.

    Without the required arrow in your custody, you are likely to be lily-livered and abandon the heart that you have been longing for, lusting after and wishing you had for keeps. Winners are usually wild with emotions and aware of all the tricks (arrows) in the quiver during the emotional hunting expedition.

    Learn the ropes, improvise, as well as update yourself with skills that would give you the sobriquet as hunter of hearts like lions and not just hunting for emotional ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches or rats. The crux of the matter is the hearts in this category are not worth dying for.

    Surprisingly, in the emotional terrain, women are better hunters. They have mastered the skills ultimately used it to capture and get what they want. In the woman’s emotional quiver are tears, smiles, patience, endurance, nagging, as well as intrigues.

    Having the right arrows without making use of them is as good as not having them at all. In addition, a good heart hunter must know how to put the emotional arrow on the bow and draw it back to meet its target. The further you draw the bow (love), the more distance it goes or covers.

    You therefore cover more distance by showing love consistently, sharing your affection and substance dutifully. It is very important to talk nicely to the person you think you love, claim you love or that just makes your heart skip a bit all the time.

    Interestingly, the best emotional arrows aim at trust. It is the arrow that controls all the other arrows in your quiver. You can be sure that once this affectionate arrow is missing in your quiver, then you would miss the target. Love without trust isn’t love. Like a doubting Thomas, you are going to see a dove in the emotional woods and imagine that what you are looking at is a tiger.

    When you see a rabbit whispering sweet nothings into your ears, instead of turning around to caress this cupid-send angel, all you see is a heart luring you to the rabbit hole, to be strangled, cleaned up and adorned with condiments before ending in the pepper soup pot as ‘bush meat’.

  • More than just a fling

    More than just a fling

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    The emotional space is as competitive as any business environment you can imagine. Faced with that reality it is always better to make sure that the one that you are attracted to get value for the emotions that they would be given to you. You just have to put yourself constantly in your partner shoes to appreciate what you do or left undone.

    Conversely, accepting a situation that is anything other than what you truly want in a relationship will not only make you unhappy, it will also keep you tied to someone who is not right for you. So really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want before you become involved with a man and the chemistry starts to cloud your vision.

    Adunni and Tolu had courted for about seven months and they got along pretty well. During this period the two lovebirds discovered some of the things they shared in common and hoped that the relationship was going to lead them to the altar. Just when Adunni thought she had found the man of her dream man, the dream was aborted.

    How did things fall apart you ask?  A few weeks before the discovery, Adunni paid Tolu a surprise visit in the office. That was in order, it’s sometimes gives you direction and you would find out if you are on the right emotional track or not.

    How did the bubble burst? Our dear friend who was still day dreaming emotional adventure ran into another ‘competitor who surprising had won the emotional crown. “I found them together in a very uncompromising way and I began to ask some questions”.

    So did she get answers to these questions? Not really. “Tolu simply introduced the lady as his fiancée.” No apologies! For a few seconds she felt as if her heart had stopped. This relationship had caused her so much harm in the past and this certainly was the last straw. Gradually she gained composure, got her car keys, ran out of the office and sat inside the car for a few minutes.

    It was very cold and she was lonely and alone. All kinds of things started riveting on her mind. Cars were revving as everyone was in a hurry to get out of the car park and then she finally found her way out of the mess (physical and emotional.)

    Like Adunni, Nnamdi is in a deep emotional mess. He was supposed to meet his fiancée, Matilda in the restaurant at 5 pm. The traffic was really bad and somehow he was a little late. He finally found his way into the restaurant panting and almost breathless. A few seconds after he felt better and looked for her in their usual corner.

    To his surprise, she wasn’t around. That was quite unlike her and he decided to call her on phone. The line was dead and so he decided to wait for his sweetheart.

    With his laptop opened in front of him, he happily slipped into a happy reverie of all their moments. The things they had shared. The words she had said, he had turned out to be quite the poet.

    In that few minutes, he tried to work on some of the pending mails in his inbox. Here he found a note from his beloved, Matilda. “I can’t make it as promised. I am a bit confused about this relationship. Please I need some time to think about it all. Sorry for whatever inconveniences this might cause you”.

    At this point, he knew that something new must have happened; after all they spoke about an hour ago. So where do we go from here. Should he really give her another chance or start thinking of a plan B.

    It is important to know how to interpret your partner’s mood from time to time. Usually, when a man or woman acts withdrawn, that is a signal that the person is undergoing an emotional process and needs time to recharge.

    Women tend to think that if things are going well with a guy, that he will naturally want to move things forward to the next level. They’ll just assume this even when the guy has never talked about the future.

    Things will be coasting along, and suddenly the guy will change gears, she’ll find out he’s dating other women, or he doesn’t make plans with her every weekend, and she’s left wondering what the heck happened.

    The answer is that the woman created all these expectations about what the relationship was supposed to look like and how he was supposed to behave, and when he fell short of that, she became disappointed and unfulfilled. This usually winds up in a confrontation that causes tension and maybe even creates more distance.

    When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that it can be very devastating to handle. So the next question is how you survive during the hurting period. The crux of the matter is that it can be really tough but you just have to be determined to move on and create a better emotional space for the future.

  • Women and the political imperatives of validated voices

    Women and the political imperatives of validated voices

    With Nnedinso Ogaziechi

     

     

    It’s been a hundred years since women got the rights to vote and be voted for in democracies across the globe. However, even though there has been some progress in women’s political participation, it is not yet uhuru especially in developing nations like Nigeria.

    The socio-religious patriarchal system still stand in the way of progress in ways that see leadership as a male entitlement.

    However, the history of the legendary Amazons of Dahomey, the metaphor for female grit and bravery has been replicated in the pre-colonial Africa in the various legends of leadership in history, queens Idia, Moremi, Amina and other powerful women that took the bull of leadership by the horn. They excelled in both economic development and territorial security and expansions.

    What was however remarkable with those legendary women was their courage and intuition and vision. They did not beg for leadership, they did not cry for 35% affirmative action, they went out, stuck together, worked with both men and women and achieved the socio-political and economic goals to the benefit of their communities and regions.

    They literally took no prisoners. They met the men brawn for brawn and bravery for bravery. They realized early enough that power is taken and not given.

    However, they worked with fellow women and men too but their trust on the ability of their ilk to succeed in leadership could only happen with a unified sense of purpose.

    The Roundtable conversation this week included Hajia Fatima (Dongonyaro) Ali Mungono, a formost Northern politician and industrialist, an advocate for representative democracy and one of the Northern women that had been a pillar in the fight for women emancipation from religious, economic, social and political exclusions.

    She was a delegate to the 1995 Beijing Conference that adopted the 35% affirmative action for women. She was a member of the United Nigeria Congress Party (UNCP) and fought seriously for the scrapping of ‘Women Wings’ in political parties because according to her, it had a certain subdued sense of exclusion and beggarliness to refer to women in the political party structure as ‘Wing’ when there was no men ‘Wing’.

    She was a member of the Nigeria delegation to the 1985 Women Conference in Kenya that birthed the Better Life for Rural Women programme that was initiated during the Babangida administration by his late Mariyam Babangida, a programme that saw wives of governors then influencing their husbands to include projects that could cater better for the rural women who often do not have a voice.

    As a female politician she believes that only women can work seriously for the general good of the nation and should not be intimidated into silence by the men who often surreptitiously pit the women against each other and claim that  women are each other’s’ worst enemies.

    She believes that women must endeavor to join political parties from inception and not continue waiting to be handed positions after the men have appropriated the most influential positions.

    As the first woman in the UNCP board of Trustees, she was in a better position to influence the party constitutions at formation to include policies that would cater for women issues and concerns.

    To her, women must take their seats at the table from the beginning and not wait to be handed positions by the men. It was from that position that she was able to remove ‘women wings’ and the women came to be on the same pedestal with the men.

    According to her, “Women are nowings, they must be part of the whole political body”.

    At the Constitutional Confab in 2014, Hajia Fatima still maintained that women have rights that must be protected through the resolutions at the conference.

    Being one of the women who pushed for the establishment of the Ministry of Women affairs in Nigeria, she wants women to maximize the use of the ministry by making sure it is used for the advancement of the causes of women.

    She traces back the formation of the Better Life For Rural Women Programme as a programme that was targeted at the welfare of the rural women which had a huge impact on the nation.

    Ironically Hajia believes that the programme seems to have been better handled productively during the military era than in the civilian democracies.

    She believes that should not be the case if the women are really concerned about the welfare of fellow women. As a former Vice president to the then National Council of Women Societies (NCWS) former President, Mrs. Emily Aig-Imokhuede, they tried to establish offices in all the states of the federation especially in the North so that the impact of the association would get to all the nooks and crannies of the country for the welfare of women.

    She believes women can only progress by helping each other and using their voice for good. She identified the challenges women face politically in all the regions of Nigeria impacting their full participation in politics.

    In the South East, the exploitation of the some parochial socio-cultural norms by the men especially the Ezes and Igwes who insist that women must not perform certain leadership roles stand out but the things seem to be changing a bit.

    In the North, both socio-religious and economic problems affect the women from active participation. The South West environment seems to be the most liberal of the regions for women participation in politics.

    However, a common denominator seems to be financial dependence but she believes women can come together and find a solution.

    Professor Kate Omenugha, the Commissioner for Education in Anambra state has a PhD in Gender, Media and Cultural Studies and is concerned that women often shortchange themselves in aspiring for leadership positions politically.

    The way some women raise their sons grooms them for the sense of entitlement to leadership. In the first place, women have to work more than ten times harder to be acknowledged.

    However, she believes women must stand up for themselves politically by getting more active and taking their positions of authority with the only tool they have going for them, their integrity, diligence and commitment.

    In a patriarchal society where the girl child is often groomed just to appeal to the husband and the boy given all the leverage to leadership, for things to change, women must own their spaces both socially and politically through keeping their eyes on the ball.

    She recalls that as a child, she aspired to read law but was discouraged by a School principal father who felt then that she might not be able to get a suitor because men might be scared of her independence and assertive nature of lawyers. “I wish he is alive to see that I now have a louder voice without reading law” she said.

    She has seen women raise their sons differently from their girls and this she even observed as a lecturer who with a predominance of females in her classes, always saw them seek out and select the boys no matter how incompetent as class Reps.

    This wrong socializing has in her view affected the hunger for political participation by the women. According to her, men are always given what she calls “The Speaking Rights” and the voice of the women muted by forces thrown up by both genders.

    Politics is about raising voices and being heard and as such parents especially mothers should begin to let the girl child speak up and out.

    That is a good beginning. Women should begin to show up at political environments early enough. You notice the tokenism in politics where men monopolize all posts and may be just throw in one or two women. The ratio is not good for development she insists.

    However, Prof. Omenugha points out another challenge for women. She believes that the few women in politics have not been good mentors as most of them revel in their ascension to the ‘class’ of male political elite and often have that vacuous arrogance of ‘belonging’ to the power bloc while neglecting to mentor younger ladies to step into their shoes.

    She believes women politicians must lift other women up the political ladder instead of what is obtainable these days where they have this false sense of having ‘made it to the ‘male political kingdom’.

    To Prof. Omenugha, voice is very important and a very vital tool for political participation. The girl-child must be given the validation to know that she can speak her mind, express her desires and achieve her set goals.

    With that, she grows up squaring up with the men and gets her due in terms of leadership. Women must not always be led, they have the cerebral and intellectual capacity to lead either in elective or appointive positions.

    Women to her must realize also that their integrity speaks for them anytime and refuse to be intimidated by male and female blackmail that always allege that any successful woman in any field slept her way up.

    “Why is it that men are never accused of sleeping their way up”? All those are coercive tactics to get women to stay under the radar perpetually.

    The women must re-strategize and realize that in politics, it’s a team work and must work with both men and women to succeed.

    Female politicians must come down from their high horses and realize that a single broomstick cannot sweep clean, only a bunch can and so they must be less arrogant about their successes and mentor and groom other women too while working in unity with the men because development helps all genders.

     

    The Roundtable dialogue continues…

  • In deep embrace

    In deep embrace

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    The environment is cool and calm. The birds are equally resting in the nests and they must be in dreamland. Somehow, that peaceful ambience changes suddenly, a strong wind blows and the sweet sleep of two birds is disturbed, they were flung out in the open screaming for help.

    Like this bird, a lovebird has been ‘evicted’ from the emotional nest. So how did she get to this point you wonder? In tears she takes yours truly down memory lane to tell her story. “I have been in a relationship with Juwon for about three years and we have had a wonderful time together. While it lasted he was so caring and I did not have any cause to doubt the fact that he loved me. However my friend, Adetoun has been complaining about seeing my man with different women and warned me to be careful”.

    Last week, she came around again and the story, she told me really broke my heart. “I saw your man holding hands with his secretary at the beach last week. If that is the man you call your heartbeat, then it is better not to have a heart at all”.

    That can’t be true. At least she could handle all the other tales but knowing that Juwon secretary was her younger sister’s friend made the news really unpalatable. So our dear friend decided to take the bull by the horn. “I decided to go to his office to confront him about the things that I had been hearing all this while. However when I got there, there was no need to ask any questions, they were both locked in a deep embrace. Even when they finally noticed that I was in the room with them, Juwon ignored me and continued to cuddle the girl”.

    Confession time? Not really. “Thank God you saw things yourself. There is no point pretending anymore. This is the way I feel about that girl, I have finally realized that she is the one that I love and I just cannot hide my feelings anymore. I am sorry if I have hurt you with the shocking reality and I think it is best to say goodbye now”.

    Dazzed, the poor babe walked back home in tears. Why did she listen to her friend, at least what you do not know does not hurt. Maybe things would have been different if she didn’t find out that they were cheating on her. Perhaps, it was better not to have shifted this emotional doomsday. What would be, would definitely be. The truth of the matter was that she loved the guy badly. It was an unfinished business and she just wondered if he would ever change his mind and come back into her arms. Their love nest had been so sweet, always cuddling themselves in and out of the nest. In his arms, sleep had always been sweet and memorable. Life is lonely in bed these days and filled with the bitter memory of a sad ending to what she hoped for.

    You can imagine how our friend is feeling, the love nest can be exciting when you are laid back in the arms of the one you love.

    Warmth, comfort, rest and sleep. Sweet sleep would definitely make your sleep sound. When you sleep happily, then you are going to wake up filled with joy and sweet dreams. All the things you imagine during the day, the activities that you surround yourself with are the things that you are likely to see in your dreams.

    Conversely, when things are rough and bitter, then you are going to be haunted and wake up having nightmares. It says a lot about your state of mind, emotional disconnect and interconnectivity.

    The love nest is the most valuable asset in it is worse when you do not sleep when you should. This way you are stealing from nature and you certainly would not be at your best.

    For birds and lovebirds an eviction is something to dread. Interestingly, this is the season of emotional eviction. It cuts away your dreams; it startles you from slumber land and brings you back to the stark reality of your situation.

    An eviction notice? Not all the time. Sometimes, the process can be slow; giving you enough time to fathom what to do or what steps can be taken to retain this comfort zone. When a tenant (lovebird) is served with an eviction notice, they still have rights and options.

    The crux of the matter here is that, if you persevere and sustain the emotional tempo and may just get back into the Love nest against all odds. Forceful eviction is worse. That means that the other party is totally fed up with your actions or inactions. But again, why would any heart eject or evict someone that they claim to really love or care about.

    The truth of the matter here is that, if you play by the rules, the owner of the emotional manor is likely to send you packing, when you fail to pay your rent, have become a nuisance or you have simply overstayed your welcome. As scary as the notice is, it is the eviction itself that tells you that you have finally come to the end of the road.

  • Still in doubt

    Still in doubt

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    When you think about the desert, the image that readily comes to mind is a state of emptiness. In a love desert you would be thinking of a lost love and trying to fill in the gaps in your own way. It is at this stage that the one at the center of an emotional storm becomes a wanderer. No matter how hard you try, it may just be difficult to get your bearing.

    Even when it seems like you have gotten a substitute, you just can’t let go and your mind just keeps wandering and wandering. But you can move on when you forget the negatives and build on the positive emotions that you had in the past. Here you can scroll down memory lane recalling the sweet memories you encountered here and there to get the emotional peace that you deserve. Dreaming about it would certainly lift your spirit taking you close to the fairy tale stories that you have heard about. Still in doubt? No need to do that to yourself. Relax and cross over a bountiful emotional harvest. The type that happens once in a while and one that brings lots of happiness. Here you would find trees and shrubs of affection growing and churning out love branches that inspires and affects others. From the trees you reap fruits that fill the hearts with tears of joy.

    Alternatively, you may find yourself stranded in an emotional desert. Here all you are bound to be feeling is a state of hopelessness, helplessness and rejection. But the big question is what where you hoping to get in this emotional Sahara in the first place. It is obvious that the emotional cargo that you have decided to pitch your tent with is as stranded as you are. No matter how hard you try, you guys aren’t going to go far.

    The one you desperately trying to cruise with it has little or nothing to offer and this state of dryness isn’t going to do you anyone any good. To get a better experience, it is better for you to move out of the desert to locate someone who would provide emotional sunshine as well as take you to the next level.

    In Coleridge’s Poem, “The Rime of the ancient Mariner the Wandering Albatross is actually referred to as ‘bird with good omen’.  Here we are also told about the metaphor of ‘an albatross around his neck indicating an unwanted burden causing anxiety or hindrance.

    Interestingly, in the days when sailing was popular, the bird often accompanied ships for days, not merely following it but wheeling in wide circles around it without ever being observed to land on the water. It continued it flight, apparently not tired, in temptuous as well as modest weather. It is one of the largest birds in the world with the largest wingspan measuring up to about 3.5 meters. From the records, you would also find that the bird is one of the best studied species of bird in the world. Distance travelled each year is hard to measure but one banded bird was recovered travelling about 6000 km in twelve days. They spent most of their life on the wing returning to land only to court a mate and to breed.

    The behavior of the bird is also very interesting having a range of displays from screams, whistles, grunts and bill clapping. When courting they actually spread their wings, wave their heads as well as rap their bills together.

    Interestingly, these birds the bones from its wings are used to produce needles; tobacco pipe stems fishhooks and flutes that would ultimately churn out romantic lyrics and songs.

    Of course, you would agree with yours truly that there are a number of romantic connections with this type of bird. However, if this bird is taken away to a lonely desert, so many things would happen. First it is going to lose its clear white color at adulthood. Life without emotional water can be a nightmare and of course, life in the desert is going to be very lonely.

    Instead of languishing in the desert, it is better to take emotional flight with a great pal. On the other hand when you want to take a flight, it is better to seek emotional refuge in a love garden? Here there would be a variety of fruits to choice from and you would certainly get something you desire.

    Conversely if you are in an emotional desert, all you would find are dry bones.  Nothing good is ever going to come out of this kind of relationship because the environment is stiff and the dust of confusion won’t take you far. You would definitely be far from your low height and all the lullabies that you are used to won’t sound nice in this environment. To make a headway this lovebird must move out of this environment to a better environment to look and feel good.

  • In deep embrace

    In deep embrace

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    The environment is cool and calm. The birds are equally resting in the nests and they must be in dreamland. Somehow, that peaceful ambience changes suddenly, a strong wind blows and the sweet sleep of two birds is disturbed, they were flung out in the open screaming for help.

    Like this bird, a lovebird has been ‘evicted’ from the emotional nest. So how did she get to this point you wonder? In tears she takes yours truly down memory lane to tell her story. “I have been in a relationship with Juwon for about three years and we have had a wonderful time together. While it lasted he was so caring and I did not have any cause to doubt the fact that he loved me. However my friend , Adetoun has been complaining about seeing my man with different women and warned me to be careful”.

    Last week, she came around again and the story , she told me really broke my heart. “I saw your man holding hands with his secretary at the beach last week. If that is the man you call your heartbeat , then it is better not to have a heart at all”.

    That can’t be true. At least she could handle all the other tales but knowing that Juwon secretary was her younger sister’s friend made the news really unpalatable. So our dear friend decided to take the bull by the horn. “ I decided to go to his office to confront him about the things that I had been hearing all this while. However when I got there , there was no need to ask any questions, they were both locked in a deep embrace. Even when they finally noticed that I was in the room with them, Juwon ignored me and continued to cuddle the girl”.

    Confession time? Not really. “Thank God you saw things yourself. There is no point pretending anymore. This is the way I feel about that girl, I have finally realized that she is the one that I love and I just cannot hide my feelings anymore. I am sorry if I have hurt you with the shocking reality and I think it is best to say goodbye now”.

    Dazzed, the poor babe walked back home in tears. Why did she listen to her friend, at least what you do not know does not hurt. Maybe things would have been different if she didn’t find out that they were cheating on her. Perhaps, it was better not to have shifted this emotional doomsday. What would be, would definitely be. The truth of the matter was that she loved the guy badly. It was an unfinished business and she just wondered if he would ever change his mind and come back into her arms. Their love nest had been so sweet, always cuddling themselves in and out of the nest. In his arms, sleep had always been sweet and memorable. Life is lonely in bed these days and filled with the bitter memory of a sad ending to what she hoped for.

    You can imagine how our friend is feeling, the love nest can be exciting when you are laid back in the arms of the one you love.

    Warmth, comfort, rest and sleep.Sweet sleep would definitely make your sleep sound. When you sleep happily, then you are going to wake up filled with joy and sweet dreams. All the things you imagine during the day, the activities that you surround yourself with are the things that you are likely to see in your dreams.

    Conversely, when things are rough and bitter , then you are going to be haunted and wake up having nightmares. It says a lot about your state of mind, emotional disconnect and interconnectivity.

    The love nest is the most valuable asset in It is worse when you do not sleep when you should. This way you are stealing from nature and you certainly would not be at your best.

    For birds and lovebirds an eviction is something to dread. Interestingly, this is the season of emotional eviction. It cuts away your dreams; it startles you from slumber land and brings you back to the stark reality of your situation.

    An eviction notice? Not all the time. Sometimes, the process can be slow; giving you enough time to fathom what to do or what steps can be taken to retain this comfort zone. When a tenant (lovebird) is served with an eviction notice, they still have rights and options.

    The crux of the matter here is that, if you persevere and sustain the emotional tempo and may just get back into the Love nest against all odds. Forceful eviction is worse. That means that the other party is totally fed up with your actions or inactions. But again, why would any heart eject or evict someone that they claim to really love or care about.

    The truth of the matter here is that, if you play by the rules, the owner of the emotional manor is likely to send you packing, when you fail to pay your rent, have become a nuisance or you have simply overstayed your welcome. As scary as the notice is, it is the eviction itself that tells you that you have finally come to the end of the road.

  • Smelling a rat

    Smelling a rat

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    Biodun is a playboy. He likes having adventures here and there. In the process, hearts are broken and mended. For the fun-loving young man, that is the way it should be; no harm intended. No big deal. At the end of each emotional rat race, he withdraws back to the real shell, Doris. That is the girl who makes his heart skip a bit every time; others are just past times. They fill the variety is the spice of life gap and when he gets tired of the counterfeits, and then he goes back to the original.

    Recently, he ran into an emotional nest that looked very beautiful at a glance. It was mesmerising all the way. This beautiful city chic had what any guy would fall for. Moyo was elegant and intelligent. She had a great apartment, nice cars and the right connections. Her qualities and friends made her magnetic; the kind of girl any man would want to date. In a short while, Biodun and Doris painted the city in colours. They were seen almost everywhere together. At this point, her friends concluded that she has finally captured his heart.

    Unknown to the lover boy, Moyo desperately needed Biodun to complete her personality. Her dream was for him to abandon Doris who had been a major threat to their relationship all this while. The agenda here is to get married to him and make this dream a reality as soon as possible.

    Even if he decides to abandon her for the other woman, she could just get pregnant and be his baby mama. That for her would be a fair deal. In her late 30s, motherhood is the greatest thing that could happen to her now. Initially, the great lover boy was oblivious of the game plan, but gradually he began to smell a rat and being a smart guy, the best strategy was to withdraw completely.

    When he did, he began to untie the emotional web and then took to his to his heels. The big question here is if he finally escape from her? Not so easy! The babe pursued her emotional captive round the nooks and crannies causing all kinds of messy scene in the process. The last straw was the day she showed up at a party where Biodun proposed to Doris. The chic-about-town came around with some of her friends and caused a pandemonium. It was meant to be a memorable day, but this emotional spoiler stole the show and Doris cried like a baby.

    In anger, Biodun pounced on her like an angry lion. In the midst of the confusion, one of her friends whispered, “Daku” (meaning faint). So, she fainted and there was a great confusion. Surprisingly, Biodun remained calm and went out of the venue. Where is the man at the center of this confusion? Everyone wondered. Then, he came back again. Interestingly, he heard when the girls plotted to faint mischievously and just played along. So, he went to his car to find his cigarette lighter. It took him a while to find the lighter. When he came back, his friend Tope just kept looking at him, wondering what he was up to and why he looked so unruffled considering the mess he appeared to be in.

    He lit it and put it close to her ears. Moyo jumped up and it was at that point that everyone realised that nothing was wrong with her. She was only pretending to have passed out. The girls ran out of the place in shame. Thank God it was finally over, now he can be sure that poor Doris was out of their emotional snare.

    Well, the crux of the matter here is that it takes an emotional thief to catch another thief. When you move with two pigs, then you must be ready to dance, walk and talk like one. If you are not as the emotional character that you are dealing with, then you may just end up being the victim in the process.

    We all know that no two relationships are the same. However, there are some things that would help us have relationship that would endure the test of the time. The first is that you must be flexible in changing for your partner 84% of the time. This does not mean that you have to sacrifice your core values, beliefs and priorities under relationship pressures. The truth of the matter is that your relationship is likely to spiral downward if you have an “anything goes” policy.

    One other way to have an interesting experience is to be a mystery. Unfortunately, some people tend to bore their partners and hang around thinking they would secure them this way. It’s comfortable and cozy when two people know absolutely everything about each other but we’re more likely to be drawn to a partner who has connections and a passion for life outside the relationship. You also need to remember that a long time relationship won’t flourish if your partner is someone for whom sex is an enlivening essential force and you’re too unavailable.

  • Lust, love and fluctuations

    Lust, love and fluctuations

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    Lost and stranded, Ifedayo just cannot understand the alternating emotional current that she is experiencing at the moment. As much as she tries to decode the tune from  the radio  for  better signals, the tunes are discordant.  Perhaps it is better to shift the emotional antenna in another direction for connection. Sadly, it is still the same old story.  It is obviously an outpour of emotion but the message is vague and confusing, how is she ever going to understand these alternating emotional currents.

    To be or not to be! That is the emotional question on her lips now. She met her true love, Bayo at the hospital when her father had an accident. It was a very traumatic period in her life and he was a great comforter. It was a wonderful relationship after a few nasty experiences with men. Bayo literarily swept her off her feet and the word resistance vanished from her emotional lexicon.

    Was this sacrifice worth the while? Well, the Romeo was glued to her emotional frequency for a while. It was very alluring and listening to these love vibes consistently, our dear friend was certain that the frequency was just right. Those sweet emotional lyrics and lullabies brought tears of joy. Just when she thought she couldn’t do without the dude in question, the source of the emotional current was tampered with and there was an emotional blackout.

    Can we really blame the Romeo in question? He became bored with the package and begun to tune to other emotional frequencies that had a variety of options to offer. Reality zone! Should she fight for control of the emotional station? The truth of the matter was that she had never fought over a guy in her life and so there was no need to fight for this one. If he was truly hers, he would certainly come back. Time and distance brings lots of distractions. The vacuum also brought new frequencies to a heart that was distorted and disorganized. Instead of struggling with melancholic vibrations, she tuned to a lust frequency. A mistake? To her utmost surprise, the selections on the turn table were melodious. It turned out to have vibes that were scintillating.

    Meanwhile, Bayo is tired of the lust frequency and was trying to reconnect. The feeling did not match the expectations. No, this was not the kind of music (love) that he craved for. Back with a bang? He was on but Ifedayo was no longer operating on that frequency. She was actually operating on something higher and more adventurous. End of the story? This time around Bayo had learnt his lessons and he knew he needed to give her time. Time to know and understand that what she was feeling was nothing but distraction. He was right, twelve weeks after it was all over  and she was back in his arms.

    They almost missed it. Interestingly, they are not alone. A number of lovebirds have been distracted along the lust frequency. It is therefore wise to make sure you understand the heart that you are cruising with if you really love the person, also make sure that you are operating on the same frequency and make room for adjustments. Failure to do this can take you treasure from one point of distraction to the other.

    Did I just hear you say that your heart can never be distracted? A big joke? Love and lust are like Siamese twins, where you find one, you find the other. If you are still in doubt, then you must listen to what Tim Hunt, a biochemist says about distraction and the laboratory

    “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls,” Mr. Hunt told an audience at the World Conference of Science Journalists in South Korea. “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them they cry.”

    His summation here is that women are a romantic distraction in the laboratory. Truth here is that men get carried away most of the time and it doesn’t matter who you are, temptations abound. The Nobel laureate had to resign as honorary professor at University College London after saying this because there was an uproar about women being a romantic distraction in the laboratory.

    The crux of the matter is that the emotional frequency fluctuates and you need to be prepared to handle the currents without tears.

    True connection is one of Love’s bedrock pre-requisites, a prime reason that love is unconstitutional but instead requires a particular stance. Neither abstract nor mediated, true connection is physical and unfolds in real time. It requires sensory and temporal copresence of bodies. .

    The main mode of sensory connection, scientists contend is eye contact. Other forms of real-time sensory contact include touch, voice or mirrored body postures and gestures. Nevertheless, eye contact experts informs is the most potent, trigger for connection and oneness.

  • Crashing down the valley

    Crashing down the valley

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    Georgina is a very pretty and intelligent girl. In spite of all this ,she has not been able to secure a good relationship. She has tried and tried but no matter how hard she tries love appears to be elusive.  It has therefore been tales of disappointments, tears and frustration.

    So what really is the matter you ask? ‘When it comes to having  intimate relationship I have a problem with communication, trusting the  other person or telling him how I feel about him. I am an introvert and a lot of the guys I come across do not usually understand me.

    Interestingly, she just survived another crisis, something that would have brought more heartaches was nipped in the bud and she trying very hard to save the relationship.’If I lose this one, then I am finished. It is actually my last hope and I pray I would not have to start all over again. ‘

    Sadly, our friend is not the cause of the problem, she has played her part very well but the problem here is that the Romeo has taken her for granted.

    The crux of the matter here is that, when you want a relationship that you want to last  for ever, there are certain things that you must do. Of course , you must be committed personally, be ready to give more than you plan to receive as well as have a possible time frame in mind.

    Even when you have all this at your fingertips, there can still be a snag to the success of this adventure. This is because it takes two to tango and you cannot make a success of the situation alone.Also if you are committed and the other person does not know wants from the relationship then you may just end up being stranded at the end of the day.

    ‘I fell in love with Adewunmi as soon as I set my eyes on her about five months ago. And from that day I wanted her to be my wife. I put everything into that relationship, dropped all my old habits and tried to spoil her with everything I had during the courtship. Inspire of all the sacrifices that I made, I realised that she wasn’t shifting at all. I bought her all kinds of gifts, visited her regularly and spent a  fortune on phone calls.However, I discovered that the more interest I showed in my woman the more difficult when became.

    Scroll down memory lane and the 32 year old lover boy laments that: ” In all the relationships that I have had in the past, I have never done this for any girl and it is so painful to know that she doesn’t appreciate it all.

    Now, I have come to the conclusion that I had been dissipating energy and affection . Interestingly, you can also compare the scenario to Russell Bertrand”s analysis of the mind. “You may sometimes find on a mountain side a large rock poised so delicately that a touch will set it crashing down into the valley, while rocks all round are so firm that only a considerable force can dislodge them.What is analogous in this two cases is the existence of a great stone of energy in unstable equilibrium ready to burst into violent motion by the addition of a very slight disturbance”.

    It is important to share some things in common, have the same goals and be compatible to move your love train ahead.”When I came to this realization Ibegan to ask questions from friends and those who were close to my sweetheart. In the process, I discovered that she had been battered by some guys and the effect took a toll on the softer part of her heart. Now, she has hardened her heart against all men, including yours truly. Too bad, there was really nothing I could do about it.

    Poor guy, he just had to move on with his life. The lesson learnt here is that the people we fall in love with may turn out to be different from our expectations. When you come to this realisation the best thing to do is to move on, there is no point crying over split milk.

  • Crashing down the valley

    Crashing down the valley

    YETUNDE OLADEINDE

     

    GEORGINA is a very pretty and intelligent girl. In spite of all this, she has not been able to secure a good relationship. She has tried and tried but no matter how hard she tries love appears to be elusive.  It has therefore been tales of disappointments, tears and frustration.

    So what really is the matter you ask? ‘When it comes to having  intimate relationship I have a problem with communication, trusting the  other person or telling him how I feel about him. I am an introvert and a lot of the guys I come across do not usually understand me.

    Interestingly, she just survived another crisis, something that would have brought more heartaches was nipped in the bud and she trying very hard to save the relationship.’If I lose this one, then I am finished. It is actually my last hope and I pray I would not have to start all over again. ‘

    Sadly, our friend is not the cause of the problem, she has played her part very well but the problem here is that the Romeo has taken her for granted.

    The crux of the matter here is that, when you want a relationship that you want to last  for ever, there are certain things that you must do. Of course , you must be committed personally, be ready to give more than you plan to receive as well as have a possible time frame in mind.

    Even when you have all this at your fingertips, there can still be a snag to the success of this adventure. This is because it takes two to tango and you cannot make a success of the situation alone.Also if you are committed and the other person does not know wants from the relationship then you may just end up being stranded at the end of the day.

    ‘I fell in love with Adewunmi as soon as I set my eyes on her about five months ago. And from that day I wanted her to be my wife. I put everything into that relationship, dropped all my old habits and tried to spoil her with everything I had during the courtship. Inspire of all the sacrifices that I made, I realised that she wasn’t shifting at all. I bought her all kinds of gifts, visited her regularly and spent a  fortune on phone calls.However, I discovered that the more interest I showed in my woman the more difficult when became.

    Scroll down memory lane and the 32 year old lover boy laments that: ” In all the relationships that I have had in the past, I have never done this for any girl and it is so painful to know that she doesn’t appreciate it all.

    Now, I have come to the conclusion that I had been dissipating energy and affection . Interestingly, you can also compare the scenario to Russell Bertrand”s analysis of the mind. “You may sometimes find on a mountain side a large  rock poised so delicately that a touch will set it crashing down into the valley, while rocks all round are so firm that only a considerable force can dislodge them.What is analogous in this two cases is the existence of a great stone of energy in unstable equilibrium ready to burst into violent motion by the addition of a very slight disturbance”.

    It is important to share some things in common, have the same goals and be compatible to move your love train ahead.”When I came to this realization Ibegan to ask questions from friends and those who were close to my sweetheart. In the process, I discovered that she had been battered by some guys and the effect took a toll on the softer part of her heart. Now, she has hardened her heart against all men, including yours truly. Too bad, there was really nothing I could do about it.

    Poor guy, he just had to move on with his life. The lesson learnt here is that the people we fall in love with may turn out to be different bfrom our expectations. When you come to this realisation the best thing to do is to move on ,there is no point crying over split milk.