The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Tearing up another heart

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    Who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken? That is the love zone puzzle. If you have gone through an emotional somersault before, you become wary of the antics in the arena. Fantasies? Forget it!  Love victims would tell you are for only dreamers and hearts fresh from the emotional farm. For old timers, you can take a flashback down memory lane and compare notes.

    It is the time of life when we all imagine that love was this invincible and you just want everything to flow without thinking about the consequence of your action or inaction.

    Just while you are putting up all the emotional defence to make things work forever, ensuring that what you have can be equated to the bulletproof force that is immune to outside influence, impervious to evil and capable of overcoming all obstacles.

    Unfortunately, many do not stay too long on the emotional island. As soon as they settle down to the beauty of love and the affection that comes with it, they realise that there is competition within. Other hearts are jostling for positions and at the end of the emotional struggle, the winner takes it all. Folarin is a victim and somehow he still has not got himself back. What happened? The poor heart suddenly discovered that his fiancée was sleeping with his best friend. That is not all. The saddest part of the discovery is that she started cheating on him barely three weeks after they met.

    The smart girl was dating both of them simultaneously and his friend knew all along. He was the only one who was in the dark until that bubble was ruptured, never to be restored again.

    Truth of the matter here is that love can be stupid. Many do so many things they do not even understand and remain a fool for love. Many times, the signs are actually there but we may choose to ignore them because of some genuine or selfish reasons.

    A change of attitude, outlook and habits that can point to the fact that something is going on. Of course, there are times when the other person is consistent and there are no clues at all. Another case with young loving heart comes to mind here.

    Dotun is a ladies’ man. They just can’t resist him and for a while his friends thought he was never going to settle down with a single babe. “I thought so too and most times, I was always afraid that I may not be able to stick to a particular babe forever.”

    About a year ago, he met Omowunmi at a party and from that moment, he just could not take his eyes and heart away from this beauty. It wasn’t just her beauty alone. There was something magnetic about the way she talked, laughed and just everything about her.

    Now that he had found love, everything that he did tilted in her favour and direction. To impress the angel of his life, Dotun began to make arrangements for a grand wedding. One of the biggest steps was a new house but he did not tell Omowunmi because he wanted it to be a surprise. Everything required must be in place before he brings her to the place.

    One Saturday morning, the guy who made the furniture wanted to come and deliver them. Dotun went with them very early in the morning and while they were moving the furniture in, her dear Omowunmi stepped out of the flat down stairs scantily dressed. His neighbour, James, also stepped out in his pyjamas. They talked for a few minutes and in a short while they started cuddling one another.

    Wait a minute! This is for real, the girl he finally gave his heart to was fooling him, and this bitch was not in love with him.  She didn’t see Dotun and he decided to record the love proceedings. It was all over but, of course, he would need this evidence to prove that he was not looking for an excuse, just because he wants to ditch her for another babe.

    Love can be really naughty but, again, you can’t judge a heart based on your criteria for emotion. Who you fall in love with, how you access the heart in question you’re your rationale for keeping or dumping something you crave for can only be best understood by no one but you.

    To avoid being in an emotional scam, you must understand what your spouse is feeling and if the attention is for you or for another. If your partner has been making elaborate excuses for not meeting you or spending time with you, then there is great cause for alarm. In addition, if the heart that you really love has been ignoring your calls and messages, then there is fire on the emotional mountain.

    The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually supportive relationship is being separate, yet connected. In co-dependent relationship, each person sacrifices part of him or herself , compromising the relationship as a whole. The differences between you and your tango are not negatives. You don’t need a relationship with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but, in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

  • Tears of Joy…

    Pillow Talk

     

    IT is just a few days after Valentine and Thelma is still basking in the euphoria of the season. This is indeed the best valentine ever, filled with memories she cannot trade for anything. As a matter of fact, the icing on the emotional cake is this beautiful engagement ring. Its looks and feels so good, glittering all the way.

    The love of her life made it so memorable by proposing to her on Valentine’s Day. It was indeed a day to remember, a day filled with surprises which brought tears of joy her way. The tears rolled down her checks continuously and she just could not hold back the tears and the way she felt about it. As her mind riveted to how it all started and how she almost lost this precious heart.

    Flashback to her emotional corridor and she remembers the ordeal she went through trying to find the bone of her bones. It was as elusive as passing through the proverbial needle’s eye.

    After a long while, she finally found her type of man and the relationship has been very interesting and memorable in every sense of the word. Dedication, determination and passion kept them going. “We met at a shopping mall. On that fateful day, I was in a very bad mood because everything around me was crumbling. Instead of getting depressed, I decided to step out to get my mind off the emotional matter. It turned out to be a very interesting move, away from heart aches and depression. I saw a lot of new things, creative pieces and realised that it was indeed time to move on.”

    She continued: “I bought a number of new things and realised that the best emotional therapy is to make yourself happy. I also gave myself a treat in the restaurant. It was one of the best meals ever; I can’t remember ever spending that much on a meal.”

    Interestingly, Danladi was in the restaurant on that fateful day. He kept wondering what this beautiful lady was doing hanging out alone in that corner. He finally joined her on the table and that was how their magical experience began. “Even though I liked him, I realised that he can be temperamental sometimes. That was something I wasn’t sure I could cope with. Surprisingly, we got along very well.”

    The unique part of the lovebirds was that they actually shared a lot in common. “We dated for months and we became closer and closer. The only snag was that I kept some of the things about my past secret. I wasn’t sure he was going to be happy about the things I did then.”

    Just when she thought the emotional battle had been won, an intruder surfaced. “Suddenly, I realised that Banji found his way back into my life. He kept dropping messages, calling me as well as sending all kinds of text messages. I told him point blank that it was over and it was at that point that he got really desperate.”

    Blackmail! Yes, that was the last resort and he did everything to make Danladi change his mind about their relationship. The battle line was drawn and just when she thought it was all over, Danladi gave her another opportunity. “He was really angry that I kept so much away from him. He told me never to do that again. ‘There is no point keeping a secret. I love you and that is all that matters.’

    “Even though Danladi has forgiven yours truly, I was visibly shaken by the fact that I could have lost the love of my life. I don’t even know if I would have coped if he walked away. Now, I have learnt my lesson. It is better to come to a relationship with your cards on the table. What would be would definitely be.”

    The truth of the matter is that many keep secrets from the hearts they claim to love. When the bubble burst, all hell is let loose and the centre usually cannot hold in most cases. The crux of the matter here is that, if you keep something secret it’s because you fear the impact that the information might have if it were openly known.

    Most times, what underlies secrecy is a fear of judgment or reprisal. Unfortunately, when your secrecy is violated, you may just lose

    control over the information and how the heart you cherish and others will ultimately react to it when the chips are down. This sadly takes many to a delicate stage of feeling sad, afraid, anxious, concerned, betrayed, angry, and just want to walk away.

    This leads directly to the issue of infidelity. For many, infidelity can be a highly subjective endeavour except for one constant: Infidelity, experts opine, always involves the keeping of important sexual and romantic secrets. Fear, interestingly, is always at the centre of it all.

  • Domestic Abuse: men and women can be victims

    Mikky Attah

     

    My goodness gracious! A whole lot has happened in the interval between writing Part 2 on this subject and now.

     

    Maryam Sanda who killed her husband in 2017 for receiving a love message on his phone, from a lady, was sentenced to death by hanging; January 27, 2020 in Abuja. And then, in what seems to be a dark coincidence, a teenage ‘housewife’, 17- year old Rabi Rabi’u allegedly stabbed her sleeping husband to death in Katsina, that same morning; in the small hours . So because of these 2, and others I rightly assume are occurring but not reported ( this confirmed by DSP Abimbola Oyeyemi of the Ogun State Police Command who says there’s not one single report of spousal abuse by a husband) ; I shall now modify this discussion by applying it across the sexes , as victims. However, because of the frequency of occurrence, I do beg to lay emphasis on female victims of domestic abuse; particularly, on wives.

    When Udy Umondak took on Domestic Violence on her TV show , she interviewed a former victim in the course of the show. That day  I shuddered, watching as a tall, elegant and articulate woman spoke of her experience. So many things went through my mind.-You mean a man, her own husband would want to hit, let alone brutalise such a delicate creature? You mean, after she fell pregnant the violence continued; even escalated ?

    The woman gave her actual name, which I will not mention here- you mean that a man would defiantly attack someone from such a notable family?! What if it had been, say, her brother; would this same husband have dared attack any male member of her family? My mind kept racing.

    The woman spoke of how the attacks on her became more brutal, and more frequent. She told how her husband had repeatedly kicked her stomach when she was pregnant. Well, you would have thought that, that day she would finally  “see sense “. Very very far coming it was; I’m afraid to say! The woman said she stayed on for an unbelievably long period, something like 11 years, before she finally left.

    Here are some ( terribly silly) reasons given by victims of domestic abuse for tolerating the criminality; and the  physical and emotional pain inflicted upon them. Yes, I’ve said it. Because someone’s got to- Silly Reasons. And in countering every one of those reasons here; I am doing this purely so that some woman, some abused husband somewhere, would receive sense.

    The timeless reason given  for remaining in an abusive marriage is to avoid the shame of a breakup. This is especially true in Nigeria where marriages are huge and elaborate with very few exceptions. This is even so for penniless couples who go a- borrowing to pay for their lavish ceremonies.  So then the question those victims ask is- how will I face the shame of this marriage crashing? But the question they need to ask themselves is- must one die, to be married?

    NO, I say, you cannot be dead, and be married.

    Many others claim that they would change him, (or her). That he/she is actually a nice person etc etc. Well, it is only the Holy Spirit of God that can cause the transformation of an adult. LADIES!! Hear this your beauty, charm, sex appeal or whatever WILL NOT CHANGE a violent man !

    To Be Continued.

    Twitter @mikky_princess

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  • Making mountain out of ‘Love’s’ molehill

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    Have you been to Love’s molehill? Making a mountain out of Love’s molehill reminds you of the idiom that refers to making too much of a minor issue. It could also refer to exaggerating the importance of something. So in relationships, you discover that a number of people fall apart because of things that they should have overlooked, things that should have been inconsequential to the love matter.

    Instead of showering the one they claim to love with affection, what we do is to look out for their mistakes, what they left undone as well as what we think they are likely to do. Unfortunately, that is why we always run into problems. Instead of holding on to the power of positive thinking, Love’s molehill is usually clustered and cluttered with negatives. The molehill interestingly is a conial mound of loose soil raised by small burrowing mammals, including moles.

    The love animal thinks like these burrowing mammals, who keep on unearthing things that break the heart. You keep on fishing in trouble emotional waters and result is the heartbreaks we have these days.

    It’s actually a long, tiring journey and you need perseverance to survive the odds. You also need a trusting road map and guidebook to benefit from the experience of those who have been through the bumpy road, climbing emotional hills with stress, getting lost in valley of lust while a few make it to the mountaintop.

    Solomon is looking for a babe, someone he can be happy with 24/7. Happily, he tells his friends the type of gal he is looking for and they laughed at him. Dreamer? “You are just too ambitious, you need to look around and if you find someone who fits into your target. If the babe meets up at least 50 or 60 per cent, then you are okay. But if you insist on having all the details a 100 per cent then it may just be a wild goose chase.”

    A gap tooth and every smiling chic. This can really be a great source of inspiration in any relationship. A frowning babe is not a great companion. She’s going to drag you to the bottomless pit and make the whole idea very uninteresting. A bad bargain anyday.

    What is he going to do with a babe whose eyeballs are flat? “No way. It’s more exciting when you are in a relationship with someone that excites you. The eyeballs is the first contact, you must be able to connect positively at this point. If the one you want to spend the rest of your life with possess eyeballs that are not attractive, then it’s not likely to work.”

    That is not all. This dude also wants his babe to be intelligent or close to a genius at work.

    Insatiable? Not really. A guy with class should go after what his heart desires. His dream is unique, not for ordinary souls. This dream gal must be a pot pourri of some sort. An angel in the midst of other angels, something worth having forever. A diamond must be forever.

    Well, we can’t really blame him. So, are we saying that it may not be possible to have just one babe with all these assets? No, we just can’t make that lazy assumption. Let him try, try and try again. He may just be lucky to find this missing rib somewhere and somehow.

    Like a molehill, love can be very difficult to define. Most times, you may just have to make something out of nothing. You need to make the best of whatever situation you find yourself and make things work, if you can. Things are different from what we used to have in the past, obviously signs of the love times.

    Two young lovebirds decided to go in search of a good love nest. Somewhere, they can live happily thereafter. Of course, they were not sure where true love was, they went to a love doctor for diagnosis. The doctor did the necessary tests to be sure that they were compatible. Once there was a confirmation that they both had enough of cupid’s arrows in their veins to take them through this strenuous love journey, it was time to be practical.

    Here, he took them though a shimmering path that got higher and deeper with every step. It was fun and the two lovebirds laughed, sang, danced and shed tears of joy. The sun was shining brilliantly and fragrant wildflowers were blossoming abundantly all around them as they skipped merrily around the path of love.

    Just when you thought they had found love, the unexpected happened; the euphoria was interrupted by a voice from the past.

    “Susan how can you do this to me? How can you bite the love fingers that fed you? Why did you break a loving heart?” Yes, that was the voice of an old flame. It was a sad voice and it was also warning the new Romeo. The message here was that he had been a victim and the new guy was going to fall prey soon.

    Our queen is a fair weather lover, the type who shows affection only when there are goodies in the emotional bag. Once the bag becomes deflated, then she is going to take to her heels. Utopia? Well, you would find out as you sink deeper and deeper into this love quagmire.

  • Something close to the original

    PillowTalk

     

    SEARCHING for greener pastures? Yes, everyone dreams of something good and wonderful. We all have standards and it’s great if we find what we want or something close to the original.

    Unfortunately, Rebecca has been criss-crossing the emotional zone without getting to the proverbial promised land in her search. “Most times, I wonder what is always happening to me. I have discovered that I do not love the people who fall in love with. On the other hand, I find that the people that I love or really admire are already hooked up. They have people that they treasure and they don’t usually care about my feelings towards them.”

    Well, sometimes we do not find what we really want. When you get to this realisation, then you just have to move and not stick to someone that you know that you can never have. All you need to do is to focus on the good sides of the person who cares about you and make the love idea reciprocal. If you do not move on and make the best of your emotional situation, then you are going to be caught in an emotional cobweb that may lead to depression.

    Fear, love, jealousy, pride, vanity and resentment. These are some of the emotions that we are faced with on a daily basis, whether we like it or not. The mind can be very adventurous when it comes to love matters. While some can stick to a particular relationship for so long and do things that would make it look new as the years roll by, there are others who are very adventurous.

    Like the mouse pad, love is just a click away. The person in question is always experiencing some excitements, a burst of emotions at any time. As soon as the present emotion fades away you can be sure that something fresh and new will take its place soon.

    For this group, no single emotional response can be permanent. This relates to the other kind of emotions too. For instance, when any emotion, such as anger, is experienced, the person is likely to stay angry only for some time; eventually the anger will fade away and a fresh emotion will arise.

    Interestingly, an abundance of good feelings, and emotional satisfaction, become the criterion for a successful life. However, emotions present problems for the mind (which is just the personality). When emotions become intense, they neutralise intellectual concerns. In fact, common negatively-valued emotions such as self-pity, fear, anxiety, as well as moods like depression, actually tend to inhibit rationality – in particular, intense anxiety seems to produce a mental fog in one’s mind, making it impossible to study.

    Experts also advise that it is important to understand the nature of emotions if we really want to forge ahead and make our relationship to work. This is because it has profound implications for psycho-therapy.

    Interestingly, a lot of people think that their feelings are the same as emotions. This is not true because there are fundamental differences between feelings and emotions. There are a multitude of emotions, but only three feeling. These include the pleasant one, the unpleasant one, and the neutral one. The importance of feelings is that they help give rise to emotions, that is, the bases of all emotions are the three feelings.

    Top of PageSometimes you can keep emotional hope alive in the face of certain odds. “Mid way into the relationship, things just went upside down and I thought it was all over. However, I made up my mind to play along because I loved her so much. She continued to date the other guy who turned out to be a Casanova. When she realised that I was the one that genuinely loved her, she ran back to me.”

    So how did he survive during the hurting period? you wonder. “Well, I must confess that it was really tough but I was determined to make it in spite of the odds. I filled my heart with memories of some of the happy moments we shared together just before the emotional crisis. His ever smiling face, sexy eyeballs and loving smile encouraged me to bank on luck.”

    When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that a lot of people who are busy, successful, inspiring sometimes have issues with their partners in their lives.

    The big question, therefore, would be that can being successful reduce the amount of emotional current you give? Are you likely to be selfish and self-centred?

    Your environment, level of exposure and age also determine how you feel. A medical doctor explains the state of mind of the young girls going into puberty as anxious and adventurous. “At this age, it is normal to feel curious, anxious and ashamed, especially if you are the only girl in the house. I also have a case of someone who was happy because she was going to wear a bra. Others are ashamed and they wear double vest to cover the bump. Some of the changes include menstruation, pubic hair, pimples, growing by the hips, nipples and other internal organs.”

    She adds: “Mood swings also occur and the sex hormones are responsible for sexually maturity.  Here the young ones need information to guide them from irresponsible people who would want to take advantage of them.”

  • Girls, “May your gold not turn to sawdust!”

    DEAR Aunty Temilolu,

    I’m a guy but I’d like to say a big thank you for journeying with me and assisting my destiny in 2019! I must say you’re full of God’s glory! You say nothing but the truth. Your invaluable words of advice are not just borne out of experience, they’re spirit-inspired straight from the throne of heaven. You are a blessing not only to the ladies but to all. I read your articles like my course-handout. They’re inspiring and vividly show the way. You are a proof that God exists as He raises people for a special purpose. A million thanks to you for bringing relief to some of us who are scared of having female children. We are assured they’d turn out fine having a mentor like you! May God bless your ministry!

    Mr. Olaseile

     

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly-celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    I certainly don’t know the state of your life today but thought to share something with you which I believe would encourage you and assist you in the coming year no matter your present discomfort!

    I saw a course-mate of mine on television yesterday for the umpteenth time! In our university days, she was all shades of poor! She would wear her friends’ used & worn-out weave, badly fixed too. One day, out of pity, I had to buy her a brand new weave and give her a token to feed on. She had a mousy character, perhaps out of low self-esteem. She could step up her looks and live a more comfortable life by sleeping around like a lot of girls would do, but she didn’t! Today, she’s one of Nigeria’s most distinguished women, happily married with children!

    So many girls/ladies out there are enhancing their looks and deeply engrossed in learning and engaging the most seductive skills just to catch the attention of men for February 14-St.Valentine’s day and use what they have – their bodies to get what they want! Some have done and would still do very demonic and occultic rituals which would hold them in captivity for life just to take over the life of some man so he can satisfy them with luxury while they give their bodies in return! Some even know the brand of cars they want already while some have already prepared their budget/capital they require for their business or school shopping/change of wardrobe for this year!

    There’s someone else who has decided to sleep with as many men, just to gather enough money to throw an unforgettable 21st birthday in 2020 that would shake the entire campus. Yet God has planned a State Banquet for her 40th birthday with kings and queens of foreign countries in attendance. However, because she can’t wait and wants to shine too soon and become campus’s latest rave, SHE’D BE LOSING HER GLORIOUS CROWN, HER FUTURE PEACE OF MIND, BLISS, HONOUR, INEXHAUSTIBLE WEALTH, HER NATURAL MAGNETIC CHARM THAT COULD LITERALLY PLACE THE WORLD AT HER FEET, ENORMOUS SPIRITUAL POWER THAT WOULD KEEP THE DEVIL PERMANENTLY UNDER HER FEET and so much more!

    My Sweeties, I know a lot of you have been in sorrow because your parents can’t afford to kit you up for school or even pay your school fees! Beware of uncles who have invited you to hotels and their homes especially those who live alone to talk about your challenges and how they can help! Believe me, if one man pins you down because of your present needs or you willingly give yourself to him, YOU ARE LIKELY TO BECOME A SEX SLAVE. THERE’S NOTHING YOU WON’T SELL YOURSELF FOR IN FUTURE! It’s a fact! The devil would ensure you can’t break whatever foundation you lay except you put up a fight! But why go into it in the first place?

    Meanwhile, your future is greater than you can imagine! Don’t let anyone cart away all your goodness for some cheap clothes or make you rely on your body as a merchandise. Haa…..!!! Don’t sell your glorious future and great fortune because of this year’s Yuletide! The most important possession you could ever have is your Spiritual Beauty/Virtues WHICH NO AMOUNT OF MONEY CAN BUY! BE PATIENT! BE PATIENT!! BE PATIENT!!! A lot of celebrities whose lifestyles gave your parents sleepless nights when they were reigning are alive today, but not existing anymore! The world has long forgotten about them! PRESERVE YOURSELF, PRESERVE YOURSELF, PRESERVE YOURSELF and “Kings will be your foster fathers and their queens your nursing mothers. They will bow down before you with their faces to the ground; they will lick the dust at your feet. Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” Isaiah 49:23

    I prophesy into your life-As you obey the voice of God,

    May you be honoured by the Queen of England before age 20!

    May you be rich enough to give scholarships to 200 students before age 30!

    May you become the governor of your state before age 40.

    May you become an ENVY OF NATIONS BEFORE AGE 50!

    And when the trumpet sounds, MAY YOU MAKE HEAVEN!

    May the year 2020 launch you into the greatest days of your life in Jesus mighty name!

     

    I invite you to follow me on Facebook –TEMILOLU OKEOWO Instagram @ Okeowo Temilolu.

  • The power of blackmail

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    It was supposed to be the best part of his life. Kelechi got calls from far and wide but deep down, he knew that this was a mistake. It was just a few hours to the D-day and all the arrangements had been perfected. All that was left was to sleep, wake up and get to the church to sign the dotted lines

    The big question, however, is how was he going to go through the ordeal of getting hooked to someone he just discovered was unfaithful? Should he continue as if nothing had happened or just walk away from everything?

    Wondering what happened? “I got a phone call from someone who told me he was her ex boyfriend. He told me that she had a baby for him about five years ago and wanted me to know that part of the woman that I was getting married to. The news was so shocking because Ada is someone that I cherish so much. I gave up so many things because of her and I did not hide anything from her since I met her.”

    Blackmail? Yes, that is natural. “It is normal to have a past but it is also important to let the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with know about those things that might upset the relationship. If you hide things from the love of your life, then would certainly get upset when they get the information from another source.”

    So, what did Ada have to say about this revelation? You wonder. “I called her up immediately and asked her about that part of her life. She told me it was the truth. That she had a baby in her final year in school and she kept it a secret because she thought I wouldn’t accept her if I knew. I was really upset and I felt she couldn’t be trusted anymore.”

    A few friends intervened, they tried to talk to him, asking him to forgive her but somehow he thinks that something was wrong somewhere. Ada certainly was his dream girl. For Kelechi, she fit into the picture nicely and he did his best to make it work.

    His heart was literarily on fire and he almost made up his mind not to allow the wedding ceremony to go on. Then Ada sent him a message; it was very long and she took time to talk about the baby, blackmail from the other guy and why she kept everything away from him. It was obvious that she had gone through so much pain already and his heart melted and he forgave her.

    Also, the letters, gifts and souvenirs they shared in the past brought the emotional flames back again and the emotional tragedy was reverted.

    Great! Thank God, it was resolved by the twosome. The crux of the matter here is that you must always carry your partner along. This way, you will be able to build trust and understanding around the issues that confront you from time to time. It is also important to have regular discussion to see how you are faring, areas of similarities as well as differences.

    At such moments, you can talk about what you appreciate most about each other during the last two weeks. Then you can go on to discuss what can be improved upon in the relationship, and how to do so. You can then finish up with gratitude to each other for doing the relationship check-in and have a great lunch or dinner, as the case may be.

    Trust is also very important. You trust yourselves as well as the people around you, especially those who admire in your life. All of these strategies will help you build up trust, and research shows, that this is key to having happy, lasting relationships. Always keep in the back of your mind a personal evaluation of the level of trust in the relationship. How much do you trust the other person to act in ways that both match your mental model of that person? How much do you trust that person to have your back?

    If you want an intentional relationship, do things to build up trust and gather information about the other person’s trustworthiness. Exhibit vulnerability and openness, share secrets, and be generous in your offers to compromise. If the other person shows themselves trustworthy, then be more committed to the relationship. If they do not, then re-evaluate your own level of commitment, as the relationship likely will not work in the long term.

    One great way to depict trust is by allowing each other to set boundaries and permit privacy. Luckily, technological developments make it so easy for us to track each other and to be in constant communication. However, permitting each other to have a private space and avoiding pushing the other person to do things they would prefer not to do helps a lot in creating sustaining happiness in relationships. Respecting boundaries and permitting privacy will do wonders for building up mutual trust!

  • On domestic abuse (Part 2)

    By Mikky Attah

    Many especially in Nigeria are pressurised, even threatened by their parents to remain in domestic abuse situations.

    It was sad to find, without doing any research, another incident of death by domestic abuse this past week. As a matter of fact the murder occurred the very Sunday that the Part 1 of this was published. Olanrewaju Bamidele beat, then stabbed his wife Adenike  to death on January 19 2020 and was arrested the same day. Let me quote a part of the police statement issued the following day- “Preliminary investigation revealed that the suspect was fond of beating his wife from time to time, and after beating the woman to death he was about to bury the corpse secretly when the deceased’s children , who saw him digging a grave by the side of his house, alerted the neighbours who rushed to the scene and held him down before the arrival of the police. “

    In all this, there are some serious things to note about the fate of these spouse killers. I have heard from relatives of several victims that as the men are beating their wives, they frequently taunt them saying – I  will kill you and nothing will happen to me. And they know what they are talking about.

    Stella Damasus of Nollywood has told of how she has attended the funeral of  a friend whose husband battered her to death. The said husband had often boasted that he would kill her and nothing would happen to him. His dead wife was indeed laid to rest, and the man has since remarried. Take for example too, Pastor Ezehiri, the 2017 Christmas Day wife- killer. As at December 2017 he was reported to be at large. I’ve searched all over the internet and can find no report of his capture. Not just that but The Lords Chosen church has not publicly derobed the pastor.

    In the celebrated case of the banker Titi, for whom women have marched many times nationwide  to ask for justice after her brutal murder, the man in question Akolade Arowolo is still in prison custody 6 years after sentencing. The late Titilayo was hacked to death on Friday June 24 2011; even one of her eyeballs was brutally gauged out. Her husband in his defense said all her wounds were self- inflicted. But the coroner at the trial said that he discovered at least 76 stab wounds resulting from tremendous force on her heart, lungs, liver and other parts of her body . He said, and I quote, “all these injuries could not have been self- inflicted. “ It turns out that the killing was so gory that the stomach was completely torn open. On Friday February 21 2014 Justice Lateefat Okunnu of the Ikeja High Court sentenced Arowolo to death by hanging.

    Now the father  of the deceased, George Oyakhire  told the court ,“ when I told Titilayo to report her husband to a police station, she said: God will take control “.

    He also told the court that his daughter did not live continuously with her husband who always beat her and even threatened to throw her down from their storey building apartment.

    But what is the fate of this husband?  Everything is pointing in the direction of his quick release, and freedom.  In 2017 a committee on prerogative of mercy visited his prison and he was the spokesman, who eloquently begged for mercy, even after pleading not guilty. Essentially NOTHING HAPPENS to these wife killers.  In fact, if you watch the Discovery Channel like I do, you will see countless ,true cases of men murdering their successive wives before they are detected. And then they would only admit to killing the last 2!!

    When, oh when will these women wise up?

    I have watched one of them on Udy Umondak’s interview programme The Udy Factor.

    Victims fear mockery if they should leave their marriages.  Many especially in Nigeria are pressurised, even threatened by their parents to remain in domestic abuse situations. A lot of pastors paint divorce as if it were a crime.  And so under the cloak of religion, merciless beatings, and killings are going on , without any consequences, just like the perpetrators boast.

    In fact it even appears that Arowolo is the unlucky one, spending time as he is doing, in prison. He was a former youth pastor of the Foursquare Gospel church and was a jobless graduate ,father of one as at the time of his arrest. He is playing the religious card to the hilt, in order to be discharged and acquitted.  A faith- based prison NGO has declared him a role model, and he carried his Bible along to all his court proceedings. To crown everything, he says his wife’s death is spiritual- something like, oh she developed a spiritual problem and slaughtered herself ! To be continued.  Twitter mikky_princess

  • No going back

    MOVING around the love corridor can be really exciting for many. Here there are no boundaries, no restrictions and you just allow yourself to be mesmerised by the intoxicating atmosphere. Here you just want to love, love and love till you get to the zenith. Once you get to love’s greatest height, there certainly is no going back, you are hooked.

    But the big question here is who has gotten your heart hooked? Is it someone who truly loves and appreciate you? Could this be someone who would stand by you in good and bad times?

    Or are you hooked with an emotional traitor, a chameleon just trying to exploit you, use and then dump you?

    The latter, unfortunately, is what just happened to poor Mandy. Her heart is in turmoil and she just cannot seem to understand what is happening to her relationship. “I met Olaitan at a business meeting about seven and half months ago. He came to represent his company while I also came to represent my boss. Someone, I arrived a little late because of traffic and I met him standing outside the door, making a call. I asked for the venue and he directed me into the place and that was how it all began.”

    Mandy continued: “Immediately after that meeting, he walked up to me and we talked as if we had known one another for years. He was quite friendly and I liked everything about him. He also seemed to be hooked and we practically did so much together, was always in each other’s company and we always talked on phone for hours.”

    One other interesting aspect of the relationship was that they never quarrelled. “Olaitan is such a peaceful guy and he would always do things that would make me happy or comfortable. Even days, when I forget to attend to some personal things that concern him, he would just dismiss it with a smile and say it’s okay. He gave me total love, peace of mind and stability in everything around me. Friends and colleagues noticed that I was blossoming, especially when I just came out of a very bad relationship and I was hurting deeply.”

    While she was basking in the euphoria created by Olaitan, something cropped up. “I went to see him at home one day and I ran into his mum who came into town the previous day. Olaitan quickly introduced me to her as his fiancée and I saw a deep frown on mama’s face.”

    Just while Mandy was trying to decipher what might be going on in her mind, the old woman exploded. “Didn’t my son tell you that he has another lady that he has been in a relationship with for five years? What did you use on him; I cannot sit down and watch you destroy what they have built together for so long. You better move on and find your own husband. I can assure that you would never get my blessings in this relationship.”

    For the first time, I saw Olaitan getting angry and he told his mother that it was over between him and the other lady. “I am the one who is going to marry the wife. I have to make the choice and I know what is good for me. Mandy is my choice,” he said.

    Mandy continued: “The battle line was drawn and from that point mama did everything to stop us. Luckily, we were united in love and we survived all the odds. At a point, Olaitan mother realised that she just could not come in between us and she finally accepted yours truly.”

    Wedding cards have been sent out and the D-day is already around the corner. As she sat on the chair compiling the guests list, her mind riveted on all that has happened and she thanked her stars for having a great heart by her side. She also had no doubt that he was going to live up to expectations and she would try her best not to disappoint him too.

    Trust, interestingly, is one thing that would help to keep any relationship going strong.

    Always keep in the back of your mind a personal evaluation of the level of trust in the relationship. How much do you trust the other person to act in ways that both match your mental model of that person? How much do you trust that person to have your back?

    If you want an intentional relationship, do things to build up trust and gather information about the other person’s trustworthiness.

    Experts also advise that it is better to set boundaries and permit privacy to make the relationship wax stronger. Interestingly, technological developments have now made it easy to track each other and to be in constant communication. However, permitting each other to have a private space and avoiding pushing the other person to do things they would prefer not to do helps a lot in creating sustaining happiness in relationships.

  • Six belief-shaking predictions for 2020

    By Mikky Attah

    • Number 1: Trump will win election, again

    The Princess Files returns after a short break, and I thank you for staying with this space. Yes, welcome to 2020. I wish my reader plenty joy, and much love. 

    At the very onset of 2020, I scanned through the leading, or at least the most widely publicised prophecies but found them largely vague. Many of them were also downright predictable. In other climes, what obtains are predictions, not prophecies; and that is just what I am going to do here. It is true, indeed that predictions can go wrong.  It had been predicted that by 2020, people would be making flights to Pluto, we would have apes as chauffeurs and people would deploy nanobots as robots. None of these has happened. But at least people made intelligent guesses. Mine will be belief- upturning projections , and all reactions and comments are welcome. Of the six though, there will be one exception – the prophecy of Father Ejike Mbaka will be relayed, as is. With reasons.

    The charismatic Catholic Priest and Spiritual Director of the Adoration Ministry Nigeria has given a precise, albeit shocking prophecy on Imo State (he himself operates from Enugu State). In his crossover service, Rev Fr Ejike Mbaka prophesied that Sen Hope Uzodinma, the APC gubernatorial candidate in the last election will become governor of Imo State in 2020! How that will happen, Fr Mbaka admits he doesn’t know.

    Now Fr Mbaka stands out among the wolf- pack of false prophets that Nigeria is replete with. In the run-up to the 2015 general election, he alone prophesied Muhammadu Buhari’s victory. It was unthinkable before then for an incumbent to lose in Nigeria.  “Prophecies” of the re-election of the then president, Goodluck Jonathan were strident at the time; ringing out like a foregone conclusion. I vividly recall the words of one Apostle Johnson Suleiman who announced repeatedly that GOD TOLD HIM that Dr Jonathan would win re-election.

    Is why one would want to pay attention to Fr Mbaka. However, Imo State Governor Emeka Ihedioha reportedly says he is not bothered by Fr Mbaka’s prophecies. And so far, all the courts have upheld Governor Ihedioha’s victory. It should be noted that Sen Hope Uzodinma came a distant fourth in the March 2019 elections. Notwithstanding I will say it; when Father Mbaka talks, I LISTEN.

    Next: ‘Naira Marley is a Demon- Nigerian Pastor reveals in New Year Prophecy’. This headline came about as a result of a Tweet by the cleric in question, which went – “In 2020, God told me Naira Marley is a Demon-, he is Satanic and should repent before it’s too late.”

    I don’t know about the Naira guy being a demon. What is obvious though is his thumbing his nose at the EFCC over his evident criminality.  The founder of the ‘Marlians’ in Nigeria ended 2019 floating his own record label (Marlian Records, no less) complete with 4 new sign-ons ! A concert, Marlian Fest also took place all the while that the singer was out on bail, after an 11 count charge by the EFCC, including cybercrime.

    When Naira Marley appeared in court in October 2019, a member of his defence counsel, Taiwo Oreagba pleaded with the presiding judge that the singer was a first tine offender. The lawyer lied. In fact, after being granted bail, the singer posted an online video boasting that he had been arrested 124 times in England. In 2014, the singer (real name Azeez Fashola) was declared wanted by the London  Borough of Lewisham  for robbery and sexual assault. Therefore my proposed prediction that the singer will go to jail this year appears to be a mirage, the way things are going. As an aside, the EFCC boss Magu has said that his Commission will arrest more fraudsters in 2020. Dimming my prediction even further.

    P-Square Together Again? A social media commentator, who incidentally is a one- time presidential media aide made a recent post on social media saying money and women caused P-Square’s breakup. The man Reno Omokri says money and women can separate even twins, and this I will not dispute. But for the case of Peter and Paul Okoye (P-Square )which he cites ,their breakup as far as I’m concerned was an event waiting to happen. And a new post saying one of the twins has revealed their reunion  should simply be dismissed as nonsense.

    You see, even if the duo were to have played for 10 years for free; even if they had lived single and celibate- they still would have gone their separate ways in the end. Bands and musical groups, even of siblings ; even of twins simply do not have that magical quality called Staying Power. Check any group you know or have known-  it has never been,’ till death do us part’,  for band members.  I am even pleasantly surprised that P-Square lasted as long as they did (2003-2017). Unfortunately  they , musical groups are all blighted with ephemerality.  Any forced comeback will not last. Quote me on this.

    The Fate of Vision 2020- Vision 20.20.20 as is its expanded form was envisaged as the programme to make Nigeria one of the world’s 20 economic power houses by 2020. At the close of 2019, Nigeria was unrivalled as the Poverty Capital of the World!

    Vision 2020 will just be conscripted to the dustbin, a lot of people believe; in fact, that’s the case already , they say. I believe in the course of 2020 ANOTHER development plan will be hyped as replacement to Vision 2020 and widely publicised ; probably one of the existing catch-phrase programmes (NEEDS, SEEDS). Will it be followed through? Nope. It won’t.  And sadly, Nigerians will be the worse for it all.

    Boko Haram insurgency ending in 2020? Did ANYONE prophecy that?!! No, I just made it up! It’s not going to happen, even though it should.

    American Presidential Election – Recall that in 2016, Pastor T.B Joshua, founder of the Synagogue Church of All Nations ‘prophesied’ how he saw ‘a woman ‘ in the White House . He went further to clarify that the woman was Hillary Clinton!

    Now, prophets and pundits alike have come again.

    In all this, may I request this one thing: that you remember that you saw it here, as early as January 2020 that I said that on Tuesday November 3, 2020 President Donald Trump shall win the presidential election.  Again.

    Seasons greetings! Twitter @mikky_princess