The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Pursue your destiny (XXIX)

    UNFORGIVENESS has been described as one of the deadliest poisons which causes mental depression and is potent enough to cause cancer-take it or leave it. Amongst other dire consequences, it hinders God from defending us and making us victorious in whatever form of injustice or pain that we have suffered. And if you love to say the Lord’s Prayers you add salt to your injury by nailing yourself and reminding God that you don’t deserve to be forgiven as long as you are unwilling to forgive others. And like all other negative elements I’ve been discussing in the past few weeks, it casts a dark veil over one’s spirit and blocks one’s vision such that it is hard to see God’s fantastic plans for one’s destiny. I welcome you to school on Sunday!

    Except you are experienced having received a good number of emotional bashes in life and realized being offended even deeply is a must as we journey through life, it may seem very difficult to forgive especially when that person seems to be having a ball from the distress he has caused you. The offender may not even be aware that he has offended you. And on the other hand, he may have a reasonable justification of his behavior that caused the hurt. For instance, if your spouse decides to walk out of your marriage out of lack of love, you can’t force yourself on him/her even though you love him/her with all your heart and can’t imagine life with anyone else. Most, human beings are generally selfish and tend to think of themselves first and by so doing hurt other people. And I must confess, reasonably if you must live the life you so desire to live, you cannot but offend people. Now, I’m not talking about subverting the course of justice or fraudulently denying people of their rights and properties or doing anything evil against the other to enrich yourself.

    Now, you must also think of yourself first as every other person and forgive so you can enjoy your life and the best of God. Even if your fiancé left you for your best friend, you have no reason to remain bitter and refuse to let go even if he was the best man in the world-your world I guess. I doubt if God’s perfect gift to us can easily be manipulated and taken away from us. If such happens, if we surrender to God, He’ll always send us a replacement which would make what we lost appear like trash. Haven’t you read in 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 (KJV)

    “But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

     But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God.”

     How can you see the wondrous things God has prepared for you when you have shut the spirit of God away? Please wake up and forgive right away! You must forgive, not because your offender needs or deserves it but because you need and deserve the relief of letting the old heart ache go and of course get an unbelievable compensation. If you are waiting for them to resolve the hurt they created for you, you will likely remain stuck and frustrated while they have fun. And it will surely get in the way of your happiness and peace. You must forgive and free your mind of the unnecessary pain even if irreparable damage has been caused.

    Perhaps you are experiencing some guilt about your situation because you have wronged another, then ask for forgiveness. That may not be the solution to the entire problem but that would bring you some peace of mind. It doesn’t matter if the person you have wronged is not receptive. The most important thing is that you have apologized and God would certainly bless you and take care of the situation.

    Whether your dark days was caused by your acts or someone’s insensitivity, decide to let go-today! You can do so verbally, by sharing your painful hurt with a reliable and wise trusted friend or a counselor. In one form or the other, releasing private internal pain through verbal expression is an important beginning for most people.

    You can let go physically, by having one long cry to relieve your heart of the pain and be determined not to think about it again and be pained but instead see it as a necessity to appreciate good people around you who give you nothing but joy and also a leverage to get greater things from God.

    Letting go spiritually, seems to me the greatest healer of pain. You must tap into your spirituality for spiritual release. You could meditate and release your cares through intensive and appreciative focus on God’s promises in the scriptures and what is good. Before you know it, the pain would reduce and you’ll be full of joy as God’s promises for you start running after you.

    Real offenses- particularly of serious offenses-cannot be forced or rushed. It happens step by step, little at a time, over the process of time and is a journey well worth pursuing. I suggest you take the first step after reading this article by telling God to help you.

    Remember, human beings are infallible, as long as you are alive, you will always be offended.

  • Refuelling your emotional tank

    WATER, water everywhere and none to drink. This comes to mind when you compare what’s going on with the fuel scarcity at the moment. A car (heart) without fuel (love) is useless. It can’t go far. Even if it is a brand new car, with gadgets that are fantastic, you are not going to go far if you can move it (heart) at the pace you want.

    Fueling (loving) a car (heart) sounds easy but when it comes to the nitty gritty of it all, you discover that it is a very complex (whims and caprices) process. The routine of washing the car, servicing it at the right time would determine if you are in charge or not. In addition, choosing the appropriate fuel is important because this can also mar the process. Adulterated fuel, like adulterated love, takes you to the ‘End of the Road”.

    Timing is crucial. It is wrong to do the last things first. Experts actually advise that it is better to fuel the car in the morning and not in the middle of the day because heat creates vapour, which leaves space in the tank. Some people can also be miserly with the way they dole out their affection. Interestingly, fuel experts warns that doing the refueling (loving) once in a while may damage the fuel pump (heart) or wear out the filters (emotion).

    The driver of the car should be in charge and know when to fuel and refuel the tank without stress. Sadly, there are times, when those in the emotional saddle discover that their emotional tank has been emptied and they are stuck. That is what ought to have happened to a bride recently. Unfortunately, things just did not go as planned. She dreamt of love, imagined it during the day and looked forward to the physical actualisation of the forever happy-ending kind of tale she had read so much about.

    Unfortunately, this was not to be. Just when she thought that she had the emotional world in her pocket, the emotional thief and pickpocket strolled in and had the last laugh. It is worse when you are cruising on the emotional highway with a heart that does not know what he wants. That was exactly the scenario that she found herself.

     Her dream man changed his mind and walked away. He chickened out at the last moment and she was back to square one. That is a bad dream and nobody looks forward to this in a relationship. Sadly, it is the reality for many. Just imagine how you would feel like as a bride being left at the altar under dramatic circumstances.

    An empty aisle. It should have been love, but it is over. Emptiness, bitterness and frustration. Tears and more tears. The emotional turning-point can be explosive. It starts with a small spark that spontaneously combusts and starts a wild fire that just can’t be controlled. Poor dreamer, you still wish that it wasn’t true. Sometimes, you wish that the flames will die down. But when it ignites just before the most daunting commitment of your life, the blaze seems to blind you from seeing the forest for the trees. All the truth of the matter is that many of us just cannot imagine living a lifetime in that kind of heat.

    A bride recently fell into this category and no matter how hard she tried; it was difficult putting this emotional miscalculation behind her. “All this left me with a wedding and no groom.”

    The harm had been done but she decided to make the emotional exit memorable in her own way. So she called her photographer in tears and decided to have a photo-session without the groom. Instead of canceling photography coverage, the heartbroken lovebird decided to use the photos to help the healing process.

    She was really strong and came to the realisation that she could have a wedding if she turned her mind to it.”What I learned is that a wedding is something entirely different from a marriage,” said Jones. “A wedding is about all the people and things that come together to witness two people get married. A marriage is just about the bride and groom. So when my entire family decided to come to New Orleans anyway and see me through the aftermath, it became evident that all the same people and things that made up my wedding still existed. There just wasn’t going to be a marriage. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything optimistic at first. I was just grateful I wasn’t alone.”

    Interestingly, the source of her inspiration was the photographer. “It wasn’t until my photographer suggested doing a photo-shoot anyway that I realised something truly beautiful happened out of all the ugliness. It was the first time my entire family was together in one place, just for the sake of being together, for over a decade or more. And they all came together to hold me up. Somehow, the solidarity and seeing and feeling unconditional, forgiving love radiate from them made the pain of my ex-fiancé’s decision almost irrelevant. In the armor of my family’s strength and support, I could face the battle of heartbreak without fear or humiliation. I cried. I laughed. I sang. I danced. And somehow, in an indescribable way, I won. Did I get married? No. Do I still have a lot grieving and healing yet to do? Yes. But all of that will be okay in time because, in the end, I got so much more than a wedding.”

  • ‘How women can get better’

    ‘How women can get better’

    HOW did you get into what you are now doing? I went to FRCN training school and I have passion for women and the youth. So I had a programme from 2003 to 2005, where we discussed issues affecting them on a programme called TEE and EEN show. That was the time when get-rich-quick syndrome was on the increase and I looked at the fact that many of them were not interested in what you do to get this money. It was a period when money doubling and rituals started.

    Of course, all these things still exist and I had a strong passion to change the trend. Most of them that should be in school then were so interested in making money than going to school. It was a secondary issue for them. After running the programme for two years, I went back to school at the University of Lagos to study Mass Communication.

    Currently, I am working on a research programme that would benefit women. It is not enough to talk; we have talked so much, now it is time to do. We have been liaising with stakeholders to see why they are not working. And if they are working, we need to see what can be done.

    How would you assess women’s performance in leadership?

    We have very few women when it comes to mainstream politics and they are also attached to the men. Politics is a game of money and it is just recently that we see women that are doing well. It is just recently that we find women that are doing well, many are struggling to be on their own and usually there is an extent to which they can go. It is not just about the fact that you are good and can do it.

    For many women, they know that they can do it but something, usually money, is stopping them. The big question is how much money can you give away? However, the truth of the matter is that those who want to vote for you actually want to be bought. This is what makes us to remain at the lower level that we are operating from. Apart from money, the meeting time, violence in politics and other issues make it tough for women. I don’t know if a man won’t mind losing an eye.

    The truth, however, is that no woman wants to lose an eye; we still want to look beautiful. So when you think about the odds, it discourages women from coming out.

    How has mentoring helped women to bridge the gaps?

    A friend has an organisation that specialises in this area and I am part of it. It is very important to encourage women and that is what the current deputy governor of Lagos State, Adejoke Orelope Adefulire, has been doing for women. I attend the COWLSO programme for women and I have been inspired in different ways. Adefulire has been doing a lot for women right from the time when she was in the local government.  I met her at one of those meetings and she has helped to motivate and inspire women in the state.

    How can we get women to be focused in whatever they are involved in?

    It is part of the reason why I want to do more. We found out that we do not usually have much information at the grassroots. There are so many women out there that do not know what is going on. I am also a member of the International Women Society (IWS). It is only when you go out that you know what is happening in the society and I have been working to help disseminate some of this information.

    This social media is very important and it brings information to you without stress. Look at the way the three children kidnapped was monitored and unveiled. Some use it for funny or useless things and most people, especially women, think it is a no-go area. It is only when women take the pain to find out what is going on around them that life can get better. It gives me great concern because we have children who know these things and you do not know. So what would you be telling them? If you don’t, then they won’t ask you questions. My children would forward certain things to me and ask what I think about it. There is a need for women to stand up, look around and understand what’s going on around them.

    You just mentioned the case of the children who were kidnapped in Surulere recently. Some people have by their career neglected their homes and are not doing what they should be doing. Do you agree with this?

    I would say that there are some things that we do that are really wrong. We learn on a daily basis and avoid making the mistakes that others have made. For instance, how can you get a house help via OLX? It is crazy. Even when you buy things, you have to be careful because you don’t know who would arrange what. You need to ask questions about the person’s background and the old way was to go to the village to get one. Even this had some challenges, how much more when you are dealing with a character from nowhere. As a working mother, you need to plan your life properly. It is better to make use of the crèche and day care. The truth, however, is that there is no way you would get something good without suffering for it. It is a sacrifice. Personally, I do not want a house help in my house again. The last one I had was bringing a man to the house in the night to sleep and she poisoned my dog to avoid suspicion. When I found out, it was so painful. This was someone I wanted to help and we were making arrangements for her to go to school. This is where the husbands come in. If you are the typical husband who cannot go to the kitchen, the woman must do everything.

    The truth of the matter is that you are just frustrating that woman. You must help. As a young woman, I told myself that I would not do any work that involves working on a Saturday and Sunday. I need these two days and that gave me a focus. Luckily, I never worked for anyone and this made me independent right from the outset.

    Let’s talk about life as an entrepreneur

    I have an outlet and I import clothing, generators. One problem women have is accessing credits for their businesses, but personally I like to have my own resources. I am not keen about taking loans but there is some business that you just need to get a loan. We are also looking at this area and working on how to assist the women that we would be working with in this area. I get lots of inspiration working with women. These days, business is very tough and it is very important to support women in business. Those who want to go into cold room business, for instance, have the problem of electricity or generators.

  • It’s a thing of the mind

    ALL, dark and handsome. Those were the qualities she had always wanted in a man. Somehow, she ran into a gentleman who almost fit into her dreams but it just didn’t work out. At a point, Debbie thought it was better to change her emotional criteria and give others a chance. It was at this point that Afolabi walked majestically into her life. Was it a dream come true?

    Well, for about 18 months it looked like it was a dream come true. Midway through the love adventure, this lily-livered lover began to make a u-turn. Was it going to hit the rocks and crumble or was it something she could still salvage? At the crossroads, he struck with a wedding invitation with another lady. Shattered, the reality of the game hit her and she was stranded. It took her another two years to stand on her emotional feet again.

    Now, she’s dreaming about a man who would be committed; someone who would be ready to keep a long-term relationship. You have to work for it and make sure that the emotional ground has been properly prepared. What you actually need is a ‘mature man’. Maturity does not have to do with age or anything physical.

    It’s actually a thing of the mind. An emotionally mature man is a man who would never shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life. He would always be willing to share his feelings, no matter what he is going through.

    Here, we are talking about a man who would allow the woman in his life to ‘see’ what he is passing through, no matter what. If you invested energy in a man only to painfully discover that the apple of your eyes is deceiving you or simply could not sustain the relationship, then it can be really sad.

    In those good old days, Tayo was actually the best thing in her life and Labake just could not find her bearing without his dose of affection. But to her utmost surprise, the relationship took a deep emotional nosedive. What went wrong? Was it her fault or his fault? Well, she just could not place a finger on what really went wrong.

    Interestingly, a lot of women often wonder why the men who once swore to die for love suddenly chicken out of the race.

    Naturally, it isn’t going to be for the same reasons because it is usually different love strokes for different love folks. Indeed, there are a number of reasons, whether emotional or not, that can make a man stick in no matter the odds or fall out, even at the slightest provocation.

    Growth and moving to a deeper level of commitment in a relationship depends on your determination. You must be convinced about making it work as well as understand that things work differently for a man than they do for a woman.

    If you don’t understand why they should think in a different manner, then you’re likely to have some problems relating with him. Once that special bond is lost, then you can be sure that things would begin to fall apart and your ‘love centre’ would never hold again.

    Knowing the basic skills and how to make use of these skills can be very helpful indeed. You also need to understand the personality and the crucial role gender plays in the total input and output.

    The truth of the matter is that women find it easier to move on to the commitment stage in relationship once they’ve found what they are looking for. It is not so easy with men; first they have to contend with the many ‘love voices’ they are hearing in the background. Sorting the voices can be really difficult for some and even when this is sorted out they move into the next stage.

    Here, the man in question wants to be sure that he is not being boxed into an emotional corner. He wants to be certain that this ‘love mine’ is for real, that there is something to treasure as he gets deeper and deeper in this love train.

    The woman is at a critical stage too. If there is one nagging question that women love to ask, then it must be what’s inside the mind of the men they love and admire?

    If only they had a clue to these burning love questions, then their relationships would not have crashed in the first place. The best thing to do is to try your best to make it work out. You also need to constantly look out for new ways to make it more interesting. Once you have discovered these love tricks, then you can start thinking of gaining incredible new insights as you move on.

    And when you are moving on, you also need to ask some basic questions like: Is your man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate?

    If the answer to these questions is in the negative, then he is likely to be spiteful.

    The kind of man who talks about solutions and not problems, is compassionate and possesses the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity and sensitivity.

    In addition, the type of people he spends his time with also matters a lot. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world. Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled? You need to ask yourself these questions about the man you are considering investing your heart in.

  • Pursue your destiny (XXVIII)

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    I read the Girls Club every Sunday and it has been really helpful. I am trusting God to help me start something like this with girls in my State. I love all that you are doing. God bless you ma.

    Queen Dzuave

    Dear Temilolu,

    Thanks for your write-up on Rebranding Your Spirit in the Nation Newspaper in which you discussed overcoming fear. It was edifying. Keep it up.

    Blessing

    Wonderful Nigerians,

    It’s so nice to be with you again today and the song that comes to my mind right away is:

    “This is the day that the lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it, this is the day that the lord, the lord has made.”

    As you change the “day” in the song to “week” and sing it with all your heart 7 times, God will manifest so powerfully in your life this week such that what took others 10 years to achieve would land on your laps this very week in Jesus name. Get ready for the best days of your life. Congratulations! I thank God for the likes of Queen; God needs us all to promote His kingdom at a time when the devil has a firm grip on the lives of too many youth in the world. And quite frankly, every Christian is meant to do something for God and leave a foot print in the sands of time asDaniel 11:32 KJV says …but the people that do know their God shall be strong, and do exploits.Queen, you shall do exploits and shall not be exploited and may God make your dreams to expand His kingdom come true in Jesus name. AMEN.

    Today, I’ll be discussing Unforgiveness which is one of those foul elements in our spirit which negates the spirit of God and would certainly form a dark cloud over our spiritual perception and intelligence and hinder us from possessing our divine entitlements. I welcome you all to school on Sunday!

    Unforgiveness is the most popular weapon that the enemy uses against us, and it is one of the deadliest poisons a person can take spiritually. It not only makes you go against the wish of God, it also hinders God from forgiving you. It makes you belittle God and make Him incapable of dealing with our issues and practically ties His hands.

    “But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”Matthew 6:15 KJV

    “Therefore I say unto you, What things soever ye desire, when ye pray, believe that ye receive them, and ye shall have them. And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought (something) against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” Mark 11:24, 25 KJV

    In our dark days, one of the keys to some good measure of relief and happiness is to forgive. It reduces or deepens our burden of pain. Unforgiveness in fact forms an integral part of our pain. When you are caused discomfort, whether the person shows any remorse or not or asks for forgiveness or not, it is in your best interest to forgive that person otherwise you will suffer for it. The heavy weight of unforgiven offenses lies on you. These hurts continue to bring pain long after the offenses were committed and it could go on for years. It is not only a waste of precious time and energy; it has the tendency to breed ongoing problems with trust and security in relationships if it is allowed to grow. It ravages the spirit and indeed the heart. It can interfere with sleep, contribute to depression and trigger physical health issues. It breeds bitterness, hate and anger amongst others which defiles our souls and are clearly anti-God. It can be likened to a spiritual poison foolishly swallowed. It just does no good and prevents one from getting super-duper victory!

    It may seem very difficult to forgive especially when that person seems to be having a ball from the distress he/she has caused you or is even taunting you. The earlier you let go of the hurt (despite your present discomfort), decide that you will not dwell on it again least of all let it torture you and stop wishing the person harm, the better for you.

    Of course, you may still ask God to judge because He says “vengeance is mine.”And when you leave everything to God and let Him judge, you will always laugh last because He will not only reward you for leaving things to Him and thereby honouring Him, He will vindicate you and subdue that person such that you will become the champion in that situation. Most likely that person would go out of his way to ask for your forgiveness and would wish to do anything to right the wrongs. Isn’t God wonderful?

    I have experienced this so many times. Even when irreparable damage has been done, leave everything God. He knows what to do to compensate you and make you forget what happened and in fact turn that pain into gain. That is exactly what God does. And it’s so much better than refusing to forgive and carrying so much weight on your mind while the offender has probably forgotten he/she put you in any discomfort. Simplify your life, shake off the hurt, bitterness and bad feelings, and you would have the much needed peace of mind and a massive space for God in your life!

  • ‘No need for sacrifice, if you enjoy what you do’

    ‘No need for sacrifice, if you enjoy what you do’

    Yemisi Alatise is a philanthropist, business woman and was a juvenile magistrate in the Lagos State Judicial Commission for five years. The amazon has just been elected as the number two position of International Inner Wheel Club Worldwide. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about the journey to the top, challenges, as well as women and leadership.

    WHAT are some of the principles that have helped to shape your life?

    My parents were disciplinarians; they helped shaped my life. I worked very hard as a small girl. I spent all my secondary school holidays on a kola nut farm in my mother’s home town; from there I earned my school fees and that of my younger siblings.  Working hard to achieve result is part of me. I believe in what you sow, you reap.  I don’t believe in short cut.  What you strive and work hard to get lasts long with peaceful enjoyment.

    How would you assess the performance of women in leadership positions in Nigeria today?

    Women are reputed to be better managers.  A few of our female leaders are pride to us.  We have had some wanting ones, which is normal. But, generally, we are more accountable, trust worthy and most of them, given very responsible job to do, have not disappointed us for achievements.

    What was the first job you did and how did it influence your life?

    Since when I can remember, I do all my father’s laundries and cooked his meals. I started earning money as a farmer. When I left secondary school, I was employed as a shorthand typist with T. A. Braithwaite Insurance Brokers, and later as confidential secretary with Lepetit Pharmaceutical Products, Ikeja.

    You studied law, what influenced this decision and where did you practice?

    At the age of 40, all my six children were more in school than home.  I had plenty of time in my hands and I decided to have a tertiary education; I had Diploma-in-Law from the Lagos State University. I was engaged as a Lay/Juvenile Magistrate by Lagos State Judicial Commission, and was there for five years.

    Tell us about your life as an entrepreneur and philanthropist

    Whilst raising up my children, I was also an entrepreneur.  I was a distributor with Nestle Products, Cadbury Nigeria, Thomas Whyatt Paper Converters, Star Match Nigeria Ltd, and was very successful.  It was very easy for me to be philanthropic.  In my little way, I helped traders with short term loans and gave credit to petty traders under me. I empowered a lot of women through my trade from zero capital to petty traders.  I practised a micro credit without interest. I tried to touch the lives of as many petty traders within my purview.

    What are some of the issues affecting women that you are passionate about?

    I am passionate about not seeing women being wicked to girls, through physical abuse. The female genital mutilation is carried out on our girls with the support of our older women.  It is a harmful practice.  This practice can be stopped if the mothers objected to not having their children’s lives destroyed under their supervision.  In some parts of Nigeria, the abuse on widows is carried out by women against women.

    How can the incoming administration help to create a better environment for women?

    They should make life easier to live.  Give us electricity, good roads in the inter-lands. I want the government to revisit Extension Service in the rural areas to help farmers. They also need to work on the preparation of land for planting, harvesting and transportation of farm products to the market place.  Farming should be supported with soft loans, subsided fertilizer in the southern part of the country.  This will make farming more profitable and can stop migration to urban area.

    If you had to advise Nigerian women, what would you tell them?

    To be economically independent.  In any situation they find themselves, they should strive to improve on it.    If married, ensure you bring up your children with right morals, and good education.  I want to see women very confident to say no to domestic violence.

    You are the first Nigerian to be elected as the vice president, International Inner Wheel Club. How did the journey start and what are some of the positions held in the past?

    I joined the Inner Wheel Club of Lagos in 1978.   IWC of Lagos is within District 911 that has over 60 clubs under its supervision and coordination.    I was president of my club in 1988/89, and I picked up a muted project from my predecessor, raised fund and built the Children’s Transit Centre, Idi-Araba. It’s now the home for over 70 children, kept away from moral danger, until reunion with their parents. As District Chairman, I raised fund and started the construction of one of Inner Wheel’s biggest physical projects in Nigeria at Amuwo Odofin, a Vocational Training Centre.

    What gave you the advantage over those you vied the position with?

    I will not call it advantage.  It’s just the right time and destiny.   Our membership in Nigeria is less than 1,000; the other contestants have over 3,000 members in their countries.  I was voted for in over 100 countries.   It is the first time an African will be elected to that position in the 93 years of its formation and its 50 years in Nigeria.  Members in Nigeria have spent the past 20 years projecting the image of Nigeria in a positive way.  By attending and interacting with other countries’ programmes, participating and contributing to various funds to help disasters in countries where we have Inner Wheel.

    Were there challenges? If yes, how did you overcome them?

    There are challenges in any endeavour of life. They are meant to strengthen and add to your wealth of experiences. We have membership challenges. The acceptance of women in Rotary robbed us of members.  Until about 10 years ago, we derived our membership from Rotarians, and we used to be the Inner wheel of the Rotary. It was extended to daughters, nieces, and mothers of Rotarians, until three years ago, when our Constitution was amended to allow us invite respectable like mind women to join our club, depending on the approval of other members.

    How would you describe the journey to the top? What were some of the sacrifices that you had to make?

    My journey to the top has been very interesting, and I learnt to serve and smile every minute of my participation in club, district, national and international activities.  When you enjoy what you do there is no need for sacrifice.  I handled international joint project with high integrity, transparency and accountability.   I became a member automatically because of my late husband, Otunba S. O. Alatise’s membership of Rotary Club of Lagos.  He encouraged me to participate fully with financial and emotional support.

    What does the position entail; what are some of the projects that you would be carrying out?

    I will work closely with the president, be prepared to take over duties of president of International Inner Wheel. The vice-president is the co-ordinator for the UN representative. I will also visit one of the UN Centres with UN International Inner Wheel representatives on a rotational basis.

  • Pursue your destiny (XXVII)

    “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

    As discussed last week, fear negates the spirit of God and thereby suppresses our spiritual connectivity. It could arise from an adversity and it could be unfounded. It not only distracts our spirit and hinders it from seeing God’s great plans for our lives, it also attracts negativity. This, of course, is a ladder for the devil to climb into such a life and steal from it. Today, I’ll be discussing some useful tips on how to overcome fear, especially in times of adversity. I welcome you all to school on Sunday!

    How to overcome fear

    1. Develop a winner’s attitude. A winner hates failure, disappointment, rejection and the likes and never wants to remain in such a situation. A winner sees adversity as a challenge that has to be overcome in spite of seeming odds.  True, not everyone has the much needed self-confidence to have this attitude but the earlier you find a way of developing that attitude the better, otherwise life will box you into a miserable corner. You must always have it in mind that God is looking out for you and will never wish you shame as long as you are living right. Remember He says:

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

    If I were you, I’ll concentrate more on that expected end and ride there on God’s back.

    2. Reframe the way you see the adversity. Choose to look at the situation as training for developing the character you need for your life’s destiny and purpose. That is when you can come across the gold-mine and eventually be forever thankful for having gone through it all. The trials and tribulations we go through in life either make us better or bitter. The choice is in our hands. If we allow them make us bitter, we deny ourselves the goodness of life as the devil presents it to us as a dark abyss full of unending trouble.

    3. Have faith and let your mind see the silver lining behind the cloud. Let your soul begin to see your desired destination even when the battle is toughest and it seems it will never end. It will come rushing to you when you least expect.

    4. Fill your mind with courageous thoughts. When you fill your mind with only courageous thoughts, you leave no room for fears and you tend to make courageous decisions. Courage is not absence of fear but the overcoming of fear. Fear is all that lies between you and your dreams of getting the best out of life. You must braze up and fight your fears with all your might. Instead of seeing or feeling the fear, look at the further side of it towards your dreams. Move forward despite feeling the fear. Pretend it doesn’t exist. Just have faith and do what is needful to get out of your horrible situation. Your faith will never let you down. It will see you through.

    5. Cast your cares (and fears) on Him

    “Cast thy burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.” Psalm 55:22

    Try writing out a list of things that make your knees shake and your heart rate increase unnecessarily. Then present them to God, one by one. Are you afraid of your parents getting a divorce because of their cold relationship or losing one of them to death? What’s the worst thing that could happen? You might be forced to trust God completely. Fling that fear on God. Fear of being alone? Fear of being rejected? Fear of dying? Fear of debilitating illness? Fear of failing your admission exam? Fear of marrying the wrong person? Fear of people? The list of phobias may grow as you begin to identify them. When your list is complete, give all those fears to God and then rip up your sheet.

    Or, do some research on your own. Find a promise in God’s Word that deals with each fear. Place the Scripture beside it, and keep it handy near your desk or mirror to refresh your mind that God will take care of them  and you.

    “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.” Psalm 56:3

    “He shall not be afraid of evil tidings: his heart is fixed, trusting in the LORD.”  Psalm 112:7

    Remember life is a battle where survival belongs to the fittest. In every unpleasant situation you find yourself, face it with the skills of a warrior while meditating on scriptures of God’s promises and stories of children of God who had to conquer fear and face fierce battles which they eventually conquered. Your fear belittles God and drives Him away from your heart. You need Him now to accomplish that great task that will announce you in the world which the devil has been fighting. Stop that fear, before it stops you!

    Assignment

    After asking God to forgive you for not having confidence in Him, praise Him from the bottom of your heart for that which He’s going to do, including a restoration of your wasted and lost opportunities. Then pray the following prayer aggressively for at least 15 minutes before you sleep tonight:

    “Every root of fear in my life be uprooted by the power in the blood of Jesus.”

  • Raking over the coals

    A number of times, we like to be nice to the other person. At such moments, we believe that our silence would be golden. Unfortunately, this is not always the case because the other person continues to take you for granted and why you failed to address explodes and gets back to you.

    Too bad, how come what you have been avoiding is happening to you? Could it have been better if you had had the confrontations earlier on? Is it a fallout of the words you aren’t saying, the red flags you’re ignoring or those eggshells you’re tiptoeing around? If our happiness is chronic and unending, then maybe we aren’t addressing something that needs to be seen.

    He had put in so much in a relationship that turned out to be the worst experience in his life. He got blamed for things he knew nothing about and just when he thought it was better to tell his own side of the story, he got reprimanded again and again. His heart certainly had been raked over the coals and he just does not know where to start from.

    Friends and foes, all think he must travel that route again and they begin to give him tips and likely options. His heart was still blank. Naturally, an old flame came to mind. Great idea, they had some unfinished business that was interrupted by a rude heart. It was a sad experience because the intruder did not fill the vacuum that he left behind. Instead, he created a bigger hole in the heart of the girl he really loved and abandoned her in a lonely emotional corridor.

    Yes, he was still in love with that babe, but again so many ‘stinking’ waters have passed through these emotional waters. The truth of the matter is that Cynthia is not likely to be the same again. Her heart has been battered so badly and then she may also be feeling guilty about making the wrong choice. Those who have seen he recently also say that she has become a shadow of her former self and it won’t be easy rediscovering love in this battered terrain.

    So, he concluded that it was better to move on and allow this sleeping ’emotional ‘dog to find love elsewhere or rest in emotional peace.

    To survive on the emotional terrain, you just have to keep the flame burning nicely. Two wonderful hearts at the beginning have warmth but as time goes on, the warmth within may just not be enough to keep you going and soaring to your dream heights.

    You must replenish with coals that would make you glow and burn nicely. You can only do this when the heart that you are cruising with is compatible and the when the charcoal of affection is of good quality. The heat from such emotional tangle must be mild, warm and soothing. However, if the heat is harsh and wild, then you are in for trouble. You are not likely to find emotional peace except you get a fire extinguisher to set you free.

    Now, it was obvious that he had been chasing shadows and that earned him so much criticism and frustration. A new emotional flame certainly sounds better, fresh, as well as untainted. This sounds better and he just cannot afford to go though the experience he had been through in the past. Falling in love with Cynthia had actually cost him so much and at a point he almost thought it would be impossible to move on with the pieces.

    When you rake someone over the coals, you criticise them severely for something that they have done. You reprimand them for some wrongdoing.

    Raking people over the coals was something that was practiced in Europe a few centuries ago. If people suspected that you were practicing witchcraft, or that you didn’t believe in things that the church said, then you were accused of being a heretic and dragged over red-hot coals of a slow fire. If you survived the ordeal, then you were declared innocent. If you didn’t, well it was just too bad.

    It is therefore important to understand the issues as well as how to handle it properly. If you’re keeping score in your relationship, then there will always be a loser. You’ll never have a 50/50 split, right down the middle, through each and every season. And if your scorecard is full of markings and deductions from the past – like that time he stormed out and you felt abandoned – then you’re sowing the seeds of resentment. Better to let go, let it be.

     One important fact is that every relationship requires sacrifice and compromise. It also includes taking care of yourself, enforcing your boundaries, making time for the things and people who bring you joy, and prioritising your needs.

  • Pursue your destiny (XXVI)

    HELLO Nigerians, I am most delighted to be with you again today and I welcome you all to school on Sunday. In the last few weeks, I’ve been discussing negative elements rooted in our human nature which could suppress our spirituality and disconnect us from our connectivity with God. So far, I’ve discussed Anger , which deprived Moses his divine entitlement-entering into the Promised Land. Pride, which fell Satan and Envy, which turned Cain into a murderer and eventually destroyed him. Today, I’ll be discussing Fear.

    “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. …” 2 Timothy 1:7

    Fear is clearly an anti-God spirit. It is the opposite of faith which is what endears us to God. God’s plans for us are beautiful, great, blissful and not catastrophic, disastrous or agonising. In other words, fear could be regarded as believing in the capability of the devil to scuttle God’s wonderful plans for us and impose his horrible plans on us.

    Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. Fear is nothing more than anticipated pain. In other words, fear is a self-imposed imagination of pain you believe you will experience. Fear can be real or imaginary, and you experience it because of your misperception or misjudgment of a situation. When you unexpectedly fail a major examination or one of your parents suddenly dies, or they get separated and want to be with someone else, your entire world seems to collapse and it is normal for you to entertain fear because you don’t know what’s going to happen next, and you cannot control upcoming events.

    Fear is a negative emotion which cripples the strength of your inner man. It dims the illumination ignited by your faith in God and eventually kills it. It also has the power to paralyse every other positive emotion as it brings about needless anxieties, nervousness, concern, restlessness and then sadness. You are not able to think sensibly or logically. It strengthens the devil who cashes in on it and places a heavy weight upon your heart which causes depression which is an energy vamp and which eventually renders you useless. Fear imposes limitations upon your potential and ability, and in the process ruins your chances of making a gold-mine out of your adversity. Or you don’t think you can achieve that?

    The funny thing is the devil respects fearless people and eventually lets them be when he sees they refuse to be overcome by fear no matter how hard he afflicts them. He gets easily worn out by a display of unusual faith in times of great difficulty and tribulation. Now, can you imagine how precious you will be to God when you love Him still and believe absolutely in Him refusing to see the dark side of your predicament but instead choose to dwell on His promises and the fact that He just would never leave you to suffer shame? He simply grows in your spirit more and more. He finds your life habitable and what follows? Miracles of course!

    Also, if fear is allowed to grow and not nipped in the bud, it consumes your mind and then the Law of Attraction comes to play. That horrible situation you fear then comes knocking on the door, stares you in the face and takes over your life. Just as faith is being sure of the things we hope for and knowing that something is real even if we do not see it.  In fact, some adversities are self-imposed brought about by our fears. Also, a lot of heart-wrenching challenges we have to face in life would never have been as bad as it were if we did not allow fear. It is natural for anything and anyone you fear to become your master and rule your life. The devil uses it to manipulate your thoughts and actions and if you allow him a grip over your soul, you may have to fight a really hard fight to have it back. You must be very careful not to empower fear so that it adversely influences your soul and determines your actions and decisions. It is the unfounded fear that is within you that is undermining your confidence and faith in God, determining who you are, suppressing your spiritual growth and jeopardising all your real hopes of overcoming your trials and seeing God’s beautiful plans for you.

    One of the surest guarantees in life is that you will face adversity and the only way to get out of it and make anything good out of it is to have the right mind set backed up by your spirituality which must be strongly incubated in the Holy Spirit, otherwise one could go from trouble to trouble, doom to doom. When faced with it, two paths pop out for us to follow- the path of faith and the path of fear. They are two opposites and it is left for you to decipher which is which and how to get on the right path, stay on it and walk your way out of the wilderness. You must note that imagination is powerful and once it is incubated in the Holy Spirit, you have conquered the devil, the troubler of our existence!

    There are legitimate fears as there are unfounded fears. Whatever they are, legitimate or otherwise, if you summon your courage and confront them directly, they simply wither away and eventually die.

  • Swinging with a lovable heart

    THERE are indeed two sides to the emotional coin. The first side is sweet and it comes with great expectations and hopes. When you are on the side of the coin, you are likely to be tipsy and happy you have found the heart of your dream. Hopefully, you begin to dream about how to make it down fantasy island and be together in love forever.

    If life and love stay on this side of the coin, then every heart would happy. Who would not like to savour emotional bliss with the one you love? So, it’s fun, it’s exciting and filled with adventure and, somehow, we all want to stay in this emotional comfort zone.

     Unfortunately, a lot of emotional jolly good fellows do not stay on this side of the coin for too long. Just when they think they have it all, their partners swing over to the other side in search of emotional greener pastures. It is at this point that reality comes in and the lover boy or girl is saddled with tales of deceit and loneliness.

    The next question would be if it is safer to hang in the emotional balance. Don’t give too much so that you don’t get disappointed when they pull the emotional carpet from your feet. The truth of the matter is that you can stay in between and enjoy the best of the two worlds. It really isn’t easy to stay on the fence with your emotions. If it is not love, then it is only a matter of time before the harsh realities hit you on the wrong side.

    Love is not just about the physical, material things or just getting or taking something away from the other person. A great heart is a generous heart; a heart that loves to give and give. From experience, you find two incompatible persons swinging the emotional pendulum in directions you never imagined and making love count. This, of course, depicts the fact that love can be complex, unpredictable, as well as survive more on things that are unseen than those that we see and imagine on a daily basis.

    In Brazil, the tallest man, described as a gentle giant, finally found love with a tiny woman. Joelison Fernandes Da Silva, 28, hid at home for half his life and found love with a woman three feet smaller than his massive 7 feet 8 inches. Most times, she needs to stand on a chair to give him hugs and kisses. While still pondering on that, you run into another contrast with the love story of Sean Stephenson and Mindie Kniss. Kniss shows total love to her tiny husband who was born with osteogenesis (imperfect or brittle bone disorder). The couple shows that love knows no bound, by living a normal life despite the fact that he is 2 feet 8 inches.

    Usually, this is what should happen if love is genuine and you are not only after the benefits.

     The memories from a sincere and lovable heart should linger positively and stay in our hearts forever. This happens from the time you set the emotional ball rolling, identifying a lovable heart, going out together, cherishing this heart and caring for one another.

    Yemi and Joshua actually broke up about eight months ago and she was really looking forward to a new relationship, but somehow she appears stuck for now. “For me, I did not like his attitude to women and, somehow, I knew that it was better to get out before it is too late.” She moved to another neighbourhood, but somehow he traced her to the new place.

    “He still wanted me in his life, which made me think there was hope. So I gave him another opportunity and we were together for another eight months. The experience turned out to be worse and everything finally fell apart. It was at that point that we came to the realisation that there was no hope and we just had to go our separate ways with hearts totally battered.”

    Sadly, she continues: “Then a friend came to tell me about a girl that he was dating in the neighbourhood and I was really shocked. Instead of confronting him, I did a few investigations and confirmed that he was actually seeing three other ladies and not just one. So, I sent him a text message, confronting him with my finding and he just did not deny anything. Instead, he apologised and told me that cheating was one habit he found difficult to drop, wished he could but now that he had come to the realisation that he can’t do away with the girls, it was better to end our relationship. He also told me that the other girls were aware of his restless emotional nature and it was just okay with them.

    “He then agreed that there was no hope for us but he would still like us to be friends. It was very hurtful and the fact that precious time, energy and emotions had been wasted. Tears and more tears. Of course, yours truly can’t be friends with this emotional traitor. Deep down, however, I knew that I was still so in love with him.”

    But this love certainly has become polluted and contaminated, something she wished she never experienced. Later, she got herself together and wrote a goodbye letter, hoping that their paths will never meet again. “Maybe someday I will be more mature and better prepared for whatever comes my way, but I cannot handle the pain he has caused me these past months.”