The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Pursue your destiny (XX)

    Pursue your destiny (XX)

    DEAR Sisters and every fan of this column, I am happy to announce to you “The sun will no longer be your light by day, nor for brightness will the moon shine on you by night  for the LORD will be your everlasting light and your God will be your glory.

    Last week, I shared the story of Fatima who was put in the family way by her lover only for him to refuse the pregnancy though quite frankly there was no agreement between them to have a baby. Fatima whose world came crashing at her lover’s unprecedented cold shoulder didn’t have the heart to terminate the pregnancy even when she lacked all the love and support she needed from her family. Her father who refused to re-marry for the period of the 20 years he had to single-handedly raise Fatima has disowned her and she’s been living in severe hardship and at a time she had to put garri and water in her baby’s feeding bottle to save her from starving to death.

    Here’s the concluding part of her story.

    One day, my friend told me to start looking for somewhere else to stay with my child that she could no longer afford to pay the rent and that she had decided to move into her boy friend’s apartment. My heart almost jumped into my mouth because I had nowhere to go. My folks do not want to have anything to do with me again and I was homeless. I started roaming the street with no particular destination. A former neighbour saw me and took us in. He prayed with me and asked me to give my life to Christ, which I did. But I wish I had found Christ earlier. If I did, I am sure I wouldn’t have ended up this way and now I am struggling to coast through life with my child in one hand and my dreams in the other.

    When I read your article of November 23 where you discussed evil family pattern, I felt somewhere, somehow, someone knows me. You said something about mothers who couldn’t stay married and have children for different men. We are three from my mother but all from different fathers. You also said something about pre-destination. I am not one of those people who believe in such even though on my maternal side, the first-borns hardly stay married to one man but I have found Christ and with him the bible says old things shall pass away and all things shall become new.

    My Darling Fatima,

    In spite of your travails, I am so proud of you and your courage and can’t help but marvel at what God has in plans for you. What a good girl! God is about to turn your shame and pain to great fame and gain. Your father who did his best to raise you has every reason to be mad at you and shouldn’t be blamed but please expect that glorious day that he will come looking for you and will carry you on his head because

    “Kings shall be your foster fathers, and their queens your nursing mothers. With their faces to the ground they shall bow down to you, and lick the dust of your feet. Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who wait for me shall not be put to shame.”   Isaiah 49:23 RSV

    God is not going to let you suffer after deciding not to take the life of an innocent unborn baby. Perhaps that would be your ticket to a super-glorification. Who knows what your beautiful child is destined to be in this world? Perhaps she’s one of God’s weapons to transform her generation and save them from ruin. You just never can tell. God will surely reward you and provide everything you both need. Now, at this time of your life, you MUST really sit tight with God and ignore every form of distraction. Your life must be God-centred and scripture-controlled because the devil has succeeded in pushing you on your mother’s path. Having three children for three different men is not uncommon but it is CERTAINLY not God’s plan for us and whatever isn’t God’s plan for us is full of trouble and strife which ends one in pain and disappointment. I pray for every sister who is reading that this or any evil family pattern will not be your portion in the name of Jesus. We have just one life to live and have to be very careful not to miss the best things in life out of sheer ignorance of God.

    Fatima, please make an effort to grow spiritually each day as you constantly study the word of God and invariably rub minds with Him. And you have to be EXTREMELY patient with Him. Do you know you can wake up one day with so much joy and gratitude in your heart for all this pain and regret you are dealing with right now? Hmm…my God will daze you. Patience, patience, patience and a life of holiness soaked in prayers is all you need to turn your situation to a gold mine.

    “But, as it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him,” God has revealed to us through the Spirit.” 1 Cor. 2:9-10

    Please meditate on this and ask for the fullness of the spirit of God so you can pursue your destiny and in the course of this year God will catapult you to greatness. God loves you!

  • When she truly sees him inside and out

    FOR the first six months, Teniola could not really fathom what was going wrong in her relationship. Of course she knew that something was wrong but just did not know what it was.  Now that it is all over, the whole episode flows smoothly and now she knows that it was not meant to be from the outset. Flashing back, she discovered that she only got caught up in a flirtation that led to an affair.

    Why not! Having those unsuccessful trials, just anything would do. Thirsty, it was sweet sipping from the affectionate stream. It wasn’t clean and didn’t taste right, yet it was better than nothing at all. Relaxed, she allowed herself to imagine that this was love and it was better to be blind to all the inadequacies.

    It felt so good at the time and it all happened so quickly. This lovebird felt attractive, sexy, and alive for maybe the first time in years. Teniola allowed herself to get lost and just did not stop to consider the consequences of what she was doing. Now that she is back to reality, this heart wished she never made it this way because her heart has been disorganised more than ever.

    For some people, moving in and out of relationships can be real fun. For those in this category, life is simply sweet. They know how to manuevre themselves, having an easy time creating the kind of connection desired. Some great heart here understands the emotional environment and knows how to turn and transform a few typical “dates” into the beginning of an amazing relationship.

    Conversely, you also have those who are not as emotionally y gifted as the first set of hearts. Unfortunately, if you fall into this category, then you are likely to find it more difficult than you think it should be to find a great heart and go from the person just feeling “casual” about dating you to wanting and needing you on both a physical and emotional levels.

    Therefore, if you fall into the latter category, it is better to reorganise and restrategise to get better emotional results “to win the right man’s heart.” Interestingly those things that matter on the emotional roundtable are little details. They are the things that a lot of us do not talk about, but they are also the emotional ingredients that we just cannot do without. It is important to pay attention to these details because they can actually drive your partner wild when they recognise them and experience them in you.

    So, when you discover these details and put them to use in your love life, the right heart would melt for you and the person would always see you as that unique and special person that the heart just has to have and behold forever.

    Real men are mature and grounded on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual levels. They might not have everything they want in their life. But they are on a great path and open to growing on a deeply personal level. If you are unlucky to fall into the hands of the opposite of a real man, then your heart would constantly be in a dilemma. Handing your heart over to a boy is the greatest disservice you can do to yourself. Unfortunately for those in this category, you may not discover the emotional tide that you are running against until it is too late.

    So, the next question that you are likely to ask yourself is how you know if what you have is a heart for a man or that of a boy. Well, the first thing you would notice is that a boy will become uncomfortable when he gets too close to his own emotions, or too close to a woman who truly sees him inside and out, for better and worse.

    The story, however, is different with a real man. This kind of heart certainly knows his emotional onions. It is a heart that knows who he is and will listen, learn, and communicate even when he sees or senses that the woman in his life is unhappy or disapproving of something about him or his actions.

    The things that will make a real man appreciate and admire a woman are often things that a “lesser” man would be annoyed, frustrated, or put off by.

    Understanding these issues means that we all need to appreciate people for their differences and relate with them appropriately. For a lot of women, you must know how to talk to a man about your feelings and needs.

    The easiest and most straightforward way for a man to engage in his emotions with you is by doing things with him that do not require talking, but allow you to be playful with him to dial up the emotional intensity to make him more attached to you.

    Not all men love sports or are great at them, and you might not like them either, but that’s not the point here. The point here is to play a sport with a man because it involves aspects of a “game”.

  • ‘Why I’m campaigning for peaceful elections ’

    ‘Why I’m campaigning for peaceful elections ’

    How do you combine  architecture with nation building?

    As a diplomat’s kid I was born in Washington D.C., in the United States of America.  However, I only have one passport  a Nigerian passport and that’s by choice! I believe my nation Nigeria will be GREAT and will be THE 8TH WONDER of the world – a WONDER TO BEHOLD!

    I went to Kent Academy, an American missionary primary school in Miango town, Plateau State. After which I continued my education at Federal Government Girls College Oyo, Oyo State. There after I studied Architecture at the University Of Lagos, Lagos State. I graduated in 1988. I have three degrees to my credit  two of which are higher degrees.

    For as far back as I can remember I have always loved Nigeria. Nigeria has held a special place in my heart. My parents told me that when they were preparing the family to come back to Nigeria from the U.S that I was so excited about coming home and they didn’t quite understand it then. I was just three years of age at the time. I have always had a GREAT DESIRE for a better Nigeria and a GREAT NEW NIGERIA! Over ten years ago I got tired of complaining about Nigeria and I decided to do something about it!

    I am a full-time novel nation builder, working to create a generational change in Nigeria through a paradigm shift in the minds of our youth.Just like an architect creates in his mind and designs buildings likewise a leadership architect creates and designs new mindsets. He creates a new way of thinking. The foundation of a building whether weak or strong is what makes the building to collapse or stand. Similarly the foundation for building a nation is the mind. It all starts in the mind and the way the citizens think about themselves and their nation. The citizens’ mindset will invariably determine whether a nation collapses or stands strong and become great.

    You have the word ‘PEACE’ inscribed in your hair;  is that about the peace advocacy for the elections?

    Yes, it is about the peace advocacy.  I am an architect, a leadership architect, creative leader, a nation builder, a patriot and I’m the author of the 2-in-1 book with titles ‘The 8th Wonder of the World, Made in Nigeria and the 8th Wonder of the World made in Naija’. I have many names, I’m known as the eighth wonder.

    The advocacy started when we did the ‘Peace motivational message songs’. But recently, we have done some other stuff like ‘the Walk for Peace’ organised by Mr Femi Dagunro. We walked from Ogudu roundabout to Ojota and back. We used that opportunity to engage the citizens of Nigeria, speaking in native languages to them, saying that we must not fight as peace must become the ultimate winner in the 2015 elections.

    2015 elections will come and go but what would be left of the electorate after March? Olaboludele Simoyan, an architect speaks on voting for peace in Nigeria in an interview with Blessing Olisa.

    You mentioned Mr Femi Dagunro, what part does he play in the advocacy for peace?

    He is another peace advocate who I recently met. We collaborated and I suggested this peace walk. He does the Ogudu Youth Empowerment for the youths there. He grew up in Ogudu area and that’s his way of giving back to the community in Ogudu.

    What is your motivation for the peaceful elections campaign?

    My motivation for the vote for peace campaign in Nigeria stems from three basic things. One, 21 years ago, the Rwandan Genocide took place, and if you look at the things that we are saying, they are the kind of things that were being said just before the genocide took place. They were calling themselves cockroaches, and that has been replicated in Nigeria. People were doing things with impunity then  and they are also doing that now; politicians are throwing inciting words at each other. And I’m saying we have to stop this movement in the direction of the genocide. They went through what we are seemingly experiencing now and it’s a lesson that we don’t have to go through what they went through. We must learn from their own experience.

    Two, my friend’s daughter served in Bauchi in 2011 and she was a victim of post election violence; they hacked her with a machete on the head and arm, and she lost 10 fellow youth corps members that they hacked to death. When her mother told me the story I said I would do something about it for all it’s worth. I didn’t have a clear idea on what I would do, but as this year’s elections came closer, seeing and hearing the inciting words of these politicians on themselves, I said I must do something and that’s how I started the Peace Advocacy in collaboration with Mr Femi Dagunro, a fellow peace advocate.

    What has the Peace Advocacy movement done so far?

    Well, the hairstyle is one thing. When I walk around Lagos and people stop and ask me about my hairstyle, I use that to engage them and say “we shouldn’t fight, this election must be peaceful, vote for who you want to vote for but if the person does not enter, vote in someone else but we must not fight.” I engage them in whatever language I can with the peace hairstyle.

    Also, Mr Dagunro designed T-shirts that we wore for the walk, I wear it to church. We’ve had a peace talk even at the Ogudu Youth Empowerment Centre before the walk.

    How can people become a part of this vote for peace movement in Nigeria?

    You could use the hastag #vote4peaceinnigeria campaign. You can also go and listen to the peace motivational songs on youtube, there’s one ‘I declare peace in Nigeria’, ‘I decree peace in Nigeria’, ‘It’s a new dawn’ and ‘Peace: You’re a winner’. You can also organise peace walks in your area, because what I am trying to encourage is citizen participation in everything we do in Nigeria.

    I’ll cite a typical example of something that happened recently in Nigeria: Dr Adadevoh, whom I refer to as Citizen Adadevoh because she exercised leadership at the citizen level, which enabled Governor Fashola and President Jonathan to do what they needed to do at the state and federal level. If she hadn’t done what she needed to do at the citizen level, it would have been difficult to do what was needed at the state and federal levels. I’m preaching citizen participation, do a 30-minute walk on a major road in your area, engage the citizens, make T-shirts, make stickers, have wristbands and wear those things on a regular basis so that there is a constant discussion on peace. We’re sending out a subtle yet strong message to our politicians, saying we want peace to be the ultimate winner in the 2015 elections. Nothing less, nothing more. After all said and done, that’s the message we want to send out to anyone involved in the coming elections.

    Did you write any of the peace advocacy songs on youtube?

    Yes, I wrote the songs but I got a professional singer to sing them. I sang a while back in something I did before, but I was advised to get a professional singer. And I got a professional singer that did a better job. I still did the motivational speaking in the song though. There’s music and a message.

    What is the central theme of this advocacy?

    The central theme is ‘Vote for Peace in Nigeria’.

    I was walking along Onipanu when two elderly women stopped me and asked about my hairstyle, I explained to them. They said all women should have hairstyles like this that show we are sending a message to our politicians, that we must stress the fact that women want peace. Because when things go wrong, women and children suffer the consequences just like in Rwanda. I totally agree with them because that’s the concept of the hairstyle. But it doesn’t stop there, whatever you can wear throughout this election period that emphasises peace like bracelets, T-shirts, stickers that can be given to people; we should just make sure that we saturate the atmosphere with a message of peace. So that when politicians hear, they know that Nigerians want peace. Negativity produces negativity and positivity produces positivity, a lot of inciting words have been used by our politicians and we need to counter those inciting words with a message of peace. That’s what ‘Vote for Peace in Nigeria’ is all about.

    Video: http://youtu.be/cLm53Nz4yrg

  • Pursue your destiny (XVIII)

    HAPPY new month Nigerians. This is the month the lord has declared our month of great compensation as we march on to our promised land. And contrary to speculations, the mighty power of God will rest upon Nigeria and if God has not created what He can’t control, things will go his way and there shall be peace in Jesus name. AMEN! I welcome you all to school on Sunday. Last week, I started discussing a topic titled REBRAND YOUR SPIRIT and explained that just as the spirit of God wishes to dwell in us illuminate our inner man and give us the best things in life so also the devil competes to have our mind and soul so he can make a mess of God’s wonderful plans for us. One of his ways of gaining entry is through certain negative elements in us which we could also call bad spirits. I briefly discussed anger last week. Today I’ll be giving you tips on how to deal with this destructive spirit which could lead you to years of pain and regret if it goes out of control. As I mentioned last week, as we grow in the spirit, anger reduces in us and if we allow the fullness of God in our spirit, it will cease to exist. However, for those who are still trying to grow, the following tips would be of help.

    How to deal with anger

    “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: ”

    Ephesians 4:26

    Recognise the fact that anger does you no good

     When we feel offended to the point of losing our temper, we have the tendency to satisfy ourselves by taking revenge either by vituperations or getting physical. It causes us more harm than the person who has offended us. This is because we have clearly flouted that rule and unconsciously extinguished the fire of God in us. The spirit of God is characterised by love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness and temperance. Now a foul spirit like anger only contaminates all of these, and if care is not taken takes them out of you as you try to build on them. Also, while trying to revenge by verbal or physical attacks, we are trying to help ourselves and disregard God who said vengeance belongs to him. Don’t you think so? Who do you really think can make whoever offended you sorry for what he did and get punished if he deserves it? God of course! In every unfair situation, we should rely on God to make us champions, not victims. It may not be easy but please let’s try and before you know it, nothing would ever get you angry and make you lose your temper because if God sees that you acknowledge Him so much, this would make Him draw you close and pour out His spirit into your soul. Now, when the power of God overshadows your inner man, how can flesh move you? Please say this prayer repeatedly and let it resonate in your spirit.

    “Oh God my father, let your power overshadow my spirit.”

    Sincerely pray for any person you are holding a grudge against, and for anyone who feels like “a thorn in your side.”

    Honestly, this may not be easy at first. But it gets God on our side and makes Him belittle that person before us. And by praying for the person you are having a hard time forgiving, the pressure begins to lift from your heart and mind. It is a terrible feeling to stay angry at someone, and yet we have all been guilty of it. God works many miracles in answer to the prayers of His people, and one of the greatest miracles is when someone gets delivered from the ugly feelings of sinful anger and grudges.

    Never go to bed while you are still angry.

    “Neither give place to the devil.” Ephesians 4:27

    When we go to bed angry, we don’t sleep well, and the issue is still front and centre in our mind the moment we wake up. Why? Because our body struggled to rest while our subconscious remained restless. We went to bed with unresolved anger in our heart. Don’t forget that the devil fights us through our spirit and sleeping with anger only opens up our lives to demonic invasion. We end up getting ourselves into trouble we could have easily avoided. Then we start having other battles to deal with. What misery we put ourselves through when we go to bed angry! There’s so much to enjoy in life than dealing with attacks from the devil.

    How much better to end the day in prayer and with these words:

    “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety.”  Psalm 4:8

    Before you go to sleep, ask the Lord to protect your night’s rest by the power in the blood of Jesus. You’ll be amazed at what a difference it makes. You will not only dream of God’s great plans for your destiny, you can also see visions of heaven. May that be your portion tonight! AMEN!

  • ‘Let your work speak for you’

    ‘Let your work speak for you’

    Oreoluwa Somolu Lesi is the CEO of W.TEC (the Women’s Technology Empowerment Centre).She has a Bachelors degree in Economics from Essex University, U.K., a Masters degree in Analysis, Design and Management of Information Systems from the London School of Economics and Political Science and a Certificate in Applied Sciences from the Harvard University Extension School.

    Oreoluwa worked for several years in the United States at an educational not-for-profit organisation on a number of projects which explored the interplay between gender and technology and which sought to attract more girls and women to study and work in science and technology-related fields. She also managed an oil and gas career awareness programme for secondary school and higher education students in Nigeria before setting-up W.TEC seven years age. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about some of the challenges encountered, achievements and new projects.

    YOU are marking the Social Media week with two events this week, what is this all about?

    The Social Media week is a global event and it happens in seven different cities around the world. The essence of the celebration is to highlight the social media, the gains and pains as well as how it has affected us in different areas. To examine the issues, we have panel discussions and the turnout was great. We are also interested in how business women use technology to enhance their businesses. Interestingly, technology has emerged as a leading contributor to Nigeria’s GDP, but very few women are players.

    We were part of the celebrations last year and this is the second time that we are part of it to look at the lapses and how to make it beneficial to all of us.

    How old is your organisation?

    WTEC is seven years old now. The journey has been interesting. Like most organisations, we have had our ups and downs especially when it comes to raising funds. Interestingly, it is getting better and you learn how to do things better with time. In the first year of operation, we had only two programmes but we have added more programmes and we have programmes throughout the year.

    W.TEC’s work is carried out through projects which build technology skills among women, technology literacy workshops, research, career counselling and mentoring. Notable among these is the Girls Technology Camp, which seeks to help girls develop an early interest in computers and other information and communication technology We are basically looking at technology and entrepreneurship. Our next annual camp comes up in August and we are looking at how the tools can be used to generate income. In the past, a lot of women entrepreneurs do not make use of technology for their business but this is changing in some ways now. Women now have access to these tools and the devices are more affordable. We believe that it is better to start young, encourage them to use it. There are a number of Millennium Development Goals (MDGs) for 2015 that have not been achieved. Goal three which talks about gender equality is the one that affects us most and it has also not been achieved.

    The Chibok girls are still missing, what do you think about this?

    I think it is sad; it is something that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. They are not the only ones that are affected and it’s unfortunate because it means going to school would put them in physical jeopardy.

    Imagine that you are the president of Nigeria for a week, what would you like to change?

    Power, because electricity is very important. As for WTEC and the work that we do, it would be very important that girls everywhere have access to education. I am passionate about everything that affects women and girls, it is important to work towards what would affect their growth and development.

    What are the challenges experienced in the process of doing this?

    For WTEC, like other organisations, it is access to funding. You need funds to run your programmes. In addition, you also need to have a team that is committed to be successful. When you are working in a sector that you are not paid, it means that you must be passionate and committed. We thank God that we have the right team and the right corporate partner. They are the ones that would be able to invest in your accessibility and your visibility.

    What strategies do you make use of for empowerment?

    We make use of mentoring. Whenever we have girls and women at our programmes, we link them up. First, we usually identify girls who are good; those who did well and we would personally mentor them or link them up with other members of the network. It is therefore exciting seeing those who attend our programme go on to pursue science and technology.

    We have a reunion once a year and we administer a short survey to see how we are fairing. We have found out that about forty per cent of the girls are now studying purely science subjects, while others are using technology to enhance their businesses and they have shared the knowledge gained with others. One example is a girl who designed a website for her mother’s business and there are so many other cases.

    The organisation is positioning women to effectively use Information and Communications Technology (ICT) in their daily lives and to play leading roles in the technology sector by creating female-friendly enabling environments in which they can learn and work. We understand the need for and use gender-differentiated strategies at the school, community and workplace level in order to support women entering technology-related fields.

    To achieve our aim we partner with schools to create friendly, female-only learning environments, in which young girls are taught ICT skills using the W-TEC curriculum. W-TEC also runs weeklong and yearlong tech camps in which girls that show potential in this field are provided with more in depth and personalised training. In partnership with tech companies, like GE, the girls are provided with laptops to take home and practice what they have learned.

    We have also created enabling environments for adolescent girls and adult women. W-TEC runs a women-only ICT centre that provides childcare support and training services to those women who need it. The centre is open at reasonable hours for women who must first complete household chores and is located in a safe and friendly area for females. In this centre, we showcase how ICT skills can empower women to socialise, educate and express themselves and gain financial independence in a flexible way that accommodates their existing roles and responsibilities.

    We are also creating a network of successful women who use technology-related skills to earn a living. These women serve as mentors to young girls who show promise in this field, thereby creating the support network needed to overcome the isolation of women in this space. This network and W-TEC’s partnerships provide scholarship information for girls who want to pursue higher education in technology and internship opportunities for them to gain hands-on experience.

     In addition, the organisation is taking care to document the success of these women to build a case for increased incorporation of women in technology education and careers.

    If you had to advise women, what would you tell them?

    I would say that you must be prepared to work hard. As women, I don’t think we need to ask for favours. It is important to work hard and let your work speak for you. If you want to go to a particular area then you must understand it very well. That does not mean that we do not need affirmative action. If you have a lot of people who have been discriminated against, then there should be a way to make a difference.

    The campaign to have more women on the board of companies and that is why something like affirmative action is important. If there are more men, then it won’t favour women when they put anything to vote. We need more attention but we need to stress that they should be qualified women and there are so many of them out there.

  • On a slippery slope

    ABIODUN and Motunrayo have been together for about four years. Everything went smoothly from the outset, but about six months ago their emotional wall began to crumble. Motunrayo ran into an old flame at the airport while she was returning from a training and in a short while the relationship was resuscitated. She started seeing the other guy frequently and Biodun discovered.

    When he confronted her about this side attraction, she did not deny it at all. This led to some “heavy” talks with her, trying to figure out what went wrong and what he could do to get the love back again.

    The talks made her really upset, and even angry at times. But the man was deeply in love with Motunrayo and persisted, because he felt they could talk things through and make her see how much he still cared for and loved her.

    “I realised that I was the one that had been forcing myself on her all this while. She was very eager to end the relationship, and everything I did or said was not appreciated at all. So, I just had to let go and move on with the hard truth that it was over,” Biodun recalls.

    For a lot people, having the happy ending to romance is good. Unfortunately, it is not every experience that ends this way. However, when you discover that things aren’t going as smoothly as you would want them to go, then you have to go back to the emotional drawing board. Here, you would need to identify what the problem really is, as well as look for solutions to revive what you think that you are about to lose.

    If you are the one on the receiving end then, you must try and address the situation so that the emotional scale does not continue to tilt this way for too long. It is also important to not in some relationship take the other heart for granted. Here you would discover that even when you express your sincere opinion and try to share this with the other party, it may be difficult to get the kind of cooperation that you desire.

    Experts say trying to be the one to fix your relationship by convincing the other heart about your intuition may not often resonate the same way it does for you when you talk about what you’re seeing and feeling.

    In fact, sharing your own intuition about him or her and your relationship could also make the person resist you more or even want to get farther away from you and your old relationship.

    When things fall apart you may not be in the right frame of mind to make certain discussions, and so it is better to remain calm and give yourself sometime to figure things out. It is a period when you start feeling unfulfilled, anxious or worried that you’re not getting what you want and need from the relationship. It is also a time when you do not know how to say what you’re feeling and what you want in a mature, honest way, so you say nothing at all or you drop “hints” that are misunderstood or ignored.

    Sadly, you would discover that your frustration builds up even more and this is likely to bring you to an emotionally destructive confrontation with your partner. If you give an ultimatum, it is likely to make the other person angry and even when you are silent, there would be tension and some negative feelings that make you act distant and disconnected.

    No matter what you are passing through, the most important thing is to be honest with yourself first, before you can be honest with anyone else in your life. Next, you need to understand what you really want from the relationship because this would also determine how far you can go. You also need to stop pretending about your status in the relationship. You also need to stop pretending that you only want a “casual” fun fling when what you really want is to have a committed, serious relationship that’s “going somewhere.”

    Even if there have been signs that things have been wrong or difficult for some time, often it comes as a big shock when things reach crisis point and  things aren’t working anymore. The most important thing is to handle every step with care. At this point, there would be so many mixed emotions and it may be hard to see things clearly and gain some perspective on what the issues are, as well as what each of you wants and needs from a relationship and from each other.

    If you are at the receiving end, then you are likely to experience overwhelming waves of sadness, grief, hurt and pain. However, if you are the person who is facing being ‘left’, somewhere in the mix there is often also disbelief and anger, or even a feeling of betrayal that the person you have committed to is thinking about letting go of the relationship and ‘giving up on you’.

  • ‘The only thing that can keep your head up is courage’

    Ruth Obih is the CEO of 3Invest Limited, a real estate acquisition company in Nigeria. She is a trained lawyer who has a passion for property and real estate. Her company also has several platforms to promote the real estate sector. Her hard work and determination to make a meaningful impact in the industry caught the attention of FORBES AFRICA, which profiled her in September 2012 “as different.She shares with Adetutu Audu how she has been able to revolutionise the sector and her background.

    IN their quest to revolutionise the Nigerian real estate sector by providing platforms that will create investable real estate and elevate standards in the built industry, top real estate companies and the crème de la crème of Nigeria’s real estate converge year in year out at the annual Real Estate Unite Conference and Awards organised by 3Invest Limited, a real estate consulting, media and advocacy firm run by Ruth Obih.

    The event is an international business-to-business conference and awards focused on strategic solutions integral to Nigeria’s real estate growth, as well as an award ceremony designed to recognise and celebrate spectrum of talents in the industry.

    Since coming into the market in 2007, 3Invest limited has greeted the scene with stunning innovations that have not just raised the profile of the sector, but armed the public with information crucial to investment decisions. Her hard work and determination to make impact in the industry has even caught the attention of Forbes Africa, which recently profiled her.

    But what could have propelled her to leave law for real estate? She explains: “I have a picture that has two caps; one is a construction cap and the other a lawyer’s wig. One thing about real estate is that at the end of the day, you cannot have a successful real estate business without a lawyer, so why not both, if you can? There is a bit of law in real estate, so it suits me well.”

    She continues: “After my National Youth Service (NYSC), I travelled to London to do a test where you can practice both in London and the UK. I went to this law firm to do my internship and they were really focused on real estate. The test is called ‘legal conveyance’. I worked for like six months and began to look for how to get involved in real estate. I came back to Nigeria and started 3Invest and that is how it started. My passion for real estate arose from wanting to change what obtains in the industry to what it is meant to be. We started 3Invest in the UK, and it ran for a year before I came back to Nigeria to start the same company by myself. I had two partners in London. After a year when I moved back to Nigeria, we just wound it up.

    Upon returning to Nigeria, Obih set up the company, when the real estate business was experiencing what she would call “the boom”. “Those were the days when ignorant people thought they were investing wisely, but most people had issues, whereby they bought so much real estate at high prices such that there was no equity. In some cases, there was minus equity on their property. At the time, it was sort of booming and you could sell property like every other day; the funding system in Nigeria was still working well, unlike what we are experiencing now and lenders would have to check the pair of shoes you have on before they lend you money.”

    However, in the wake of the global financial meltdown and plummeting real estate value, when the downturn happened in 2009, she points out that she had the option of either going back to get a job or staying in the industry. “My passion for what I do now had grown over the last two years, so I decided to remain in the industry, only I had to stay back in a way that nothing would easily shake me out. I was not just going to be an agent selling property and helping people buy property; that is why I set up 3Invest Intelligence, which is the media advocacy platform that handles the radio, the online portal and our events. We have the online portal for sharing real estate information at www.3investonline.com.

    “In January 2011, we started the 3Invest Intelligence which is a department on its own. Its workings are independent of 3Invest Real Estate works. We have a team of estate surveyors and estate managers working in the real estate works department. 3Invest is a real estate company; we do acquisitions and marketing – we work with private investors and organisations. We basically work for the buyer. We don’t stock properties, but we have plans of developing in the near future, but in terms of real estate acquisition, it’s an investment company. That’s all we do,” she notes.

    Being a trained lawyer, in what way does her experience help in her new career? The young entrepreneur gushes that it gives her a broad scope. “Advocacy is what we do. Advocating is not a new job to me. Lawyers talk for people. Talking is not a problem because by profession, I am supposed to know how to talk. If you have to go through Law school, you can ask anyone, it’s hectic, so what I do, when it comes to leases and agreement, is still law. The best thing that happened to me is still being a lawyer. I have the choice today to open my eyes and I see myself in one penthouse office running a big law firm and still calling the shots at 3Invest,” she replies excitedly.

    No doubt, the booming business also has challenges. Obih notes that every challenge is an opportunity.  Much as she does not want to dwell on the negative, she explains that there are myriads of challenges that she faces. “From starting 3Invest in 2006 to now, I’ll give you countless challenges; it’s as if every client turns into an enemy because it’s a business whereby we try to impress people a lot and when the time to pay comes, money becomes an issue and you can’t be in a business without getting paid. Prayer is all one needs to work in Nigeria. When I get on the plane and I leave Nigeria, it’s like I forget my prayers. What you need in this Nigeria is prayers every day. First, to wake up you need to pray; to sleep, you need to pray. When you have that in mind, next thing you need so much is courage because in the midst of difficulty, the only thing that can keep your head up is courage; you just need to pray that you have opportunities and chances and access. You just need lots of access and networks to get where you want to be in Nigeria. If you don’t find for yourself, no one is going to help you out.”

    She continues: “Nigeria is a place where people want something that they sometime don’t want to pay for. Sometimes you just have to put your leg down and when you do that you also have to remember that customer is always right. These factors and more make running business in Nigeria a lot challenging, especially when your business requires you to relate with people. It’s not easy but it’s also an opportunity.”

    So, what steps does she take to recover her funds? “In business, there are two ways to try getting your money  it is either you write it off or you go the legal way. As a lawyer, I don’t take people to court, not because I don’t believe in the legal system, but because I don’t see a reason for having to put myself through so much trouble. We make sure that contracts are signed, but we have also had cases whereby we signed contracts and people still didn’t pay. We just write them and tell them whatever it is. What we do is we try to find out what happened, and how we’re going to prevent it in the future.”

    Obih stresses the importance of parental grooming having been influenced by her parents.  “I remember constantly being groomed by my mother so much that I thought she did not like me, little did I know she was preparing me for my future. I look back and all I feel towards her is gratitude. Time for fun was never confused for time for work. My father’s counsels have also been very helpful.”

    Technology and job creation are what Ruth says are the true impact of real estate on the economy. “It is not only how many houses are built, but also how many jobs are created,” she insists. “Therefore, exploring the use of technology would generally increase employment. This is what 3Invest will be looking into in the nearest future. 3Invest will seek to create direct jobs while also increasing opportunities.”

    Reinstating that though real estate is male-dominated, women are still well positioned and contributing effectively, Ruth says: “The real estate industry is male-dominated, but as a woman in their midst, it strengthens me because though I may act like a man because of the nature of the business, I can think like a woman which is who I am. Knowing who you are and what you want to achieve is highly important. You don’t have to appear as being weak because you are a woman; you can achieve great heights and do the seemingly impossible if only you believe.”

    For some time now, Ruth has put together a real estate conference. She speaks on reasons for the conference. “Our real estate conferences came up because I thought to change the norm and do something that will help educate and entertain investors. We get the best speakers for the conferences and the feedback has been tremendous.”

  • Pursue your destiny (XVII)

    Pursue your destiny (XVII)

    Dear Nigerians,

    I am most delighted to be with you again today and trust that all’s well with you. No matter the adverse combination of circumstances you have to deal with, you have the natural tendency to have things your way and so shall it be in Jesus name. I welcome you all to school on Sunday. Today, I’ll be discussing what I title “REBRAND YOUR SPIRIT.” We often hear of companies rebranding. Rebranding is a marketing strategy in which a new name, term, symbol, design, or combination thereof is created with the intention of developing a new, differentiated identity in the minds of consumers, investors, and competitors. Often, this involves radical changes to a brand’s logo, name, image, etc. Such changes typically aim to reposition the brand/company, occasionally to distance itself from negative connotations of the previous branding, or to move the brand upmarket. Once a brand has negative connotations associated with it, it can only lead to decreased profitability and possibly complete corporate failure. The same way certain negative elements in our spirit could cut short our wonderful divine entitlements. And just like a company’s rebranding invites more clientele and opportunities, so would a rebranded spirit attract goodness.

    We must note that just as the spirit of God wishes to dwell in us, so also the devil fights to get hold of our spirit and scuttle God’s beautiful plans for us. As human beings, we all have the tendency to harbour negative elements in our spirits which could serve as a demonic doorway for the devil to have a grip on our lives and if care is not taken, these negative elements could hinder our spirits from seeing the wonderful plans God has for us. Today, I would start with anger.

    Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. Anger is a bad spirit and can arise at its will, in any situation, and at the oddest times. Haven’t you ever been angry about something and looked back on the situation and thought, “Why did I get so upset over that?”

    Such spirits love to make life miserable by rising up in situations, functioning, and then drawing back, leaving the individual to deal with the aftermath.

    Quite frankly, it may be difficult to avoid getting annoyed but if you constantly work on growing in the spirit of God, you can avoid it. It’s an emotion you cannot bury and forget except you work on it. The good thing is the more you grow spiritually, the less you feel offended by anyone because you are soaked in the supernatural. It’s not sinful to get angry, and God expects that we will; however anger is fear, frustration, and hurt feelings coming together. Anger becomes sinful if we hang on to or nurse it while engaging in a vengeful behaviour toward those with whom we are angry.

    “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” – Ephesians 4:26

    There are progressive steps that will ruin your relationship especially with friends and people who are closely related to you if you hang on to anger. First, you will withdraw from them; then you will escalate and inflame your dispute with them; then belittling and criticism begin and, finally, negative beliefs set in and poison you toward them. Anger not only can be hurtful to another person but it can be especially harmful to the one who is angry. Anger affects you spiritually. Staying angry extinguishes the light of God in your life and you will walk in darkness.

    “He that saith he is in the light, and hateth his brother, is in darkness even until now. He that loveth his brother abideth in the light, and there is none occasion of stumbling in him. But he that hateth his brother is in darkness, and walketh in darkness, and knoweth not whither he goeth, because that darkness hath blinded his eyes.”  1 John 2: 9-11

    When you start thinking and living in the dark, there is no spiritual insight. Anger is like a rheostat and it takes the light out of your life. When you forgive and release the other person to God, the light comes back and illuminates your path to your place of destiny. I pity a lot of sisters who bear grudges against any man who jilted them and continue to live in bitterness cursing him and refusing to forgive him and let go. I tell you, it’s a sheer waste of time and energy which beclouds their souls and affects their vision of the better plans God has for them. If you are still harbouring such feelings, I advise you let it go so that God can appear and compensate you with a better version of your dream man. What a good God!

    Anger affects you emotionally – Anger grows into hatred, rage and bitterness. Anger can also bring addictive habits like drugs, alcohol, over-eating, and ungodly sex. Anger affects logic and reasoning. Your mind gets confused and you can’t figure things out. Anger is a very destructive spirit which may not only deprive you of all you truly deserve but get you into serious trouble you may have to cope with as long as you live. That will not be our portion in Jesus name. AMEN!

  • Is it dead or in a coma?

    TO every relationship, there is a season. A time to laugh and a time to shout; a time to love and a time to hate; a time to share emotions as well as a time to hide your feelings and emotions from the heart that you loved or still love. The crux of the matter is that life, love and relationship are not beds of roses.

    It is a mix bag and you have to keep adjusting and adapting to the rules and roles that it dishes out to you from time to time. A lot dwell so much in dreamland and expect everything to fall in place according to our plan. Unfortunately, it does not work out this way and it is when a number of hearts get to this emotional crossroads that they get stuck and frustrated.

    The confusion at this point is usually unbearable and before you know it, hearts sink and it is all over. The truth of the matter is that a crisis can happen to any relationship at any time. It is therefore important to have a strong foundation in place; this would certainly help you to deal with the impact of any traumatic experience or event.

    So, argue that problems and breakups occur because some lovebirds do not know how to deal with crisis. The truth of the matter, however, is that there is no right or wrong ways to react to crisis. People deal with issues differently and at such moments, you may feel angry or frightened, or just confused.

    However, there are still a number of people who are unable to cope no matter what. If you fall into this category, you can find help with someone who can help you and your family to stay strong.

    Understanding the different phases of your relationship and dealing with the issues accordingly will help you to forge ahead positively, no matter the odds. A number of our local and international celebrities have issues with their relationships which often lead to breakups. However, we have some who have kept the love boat floating in spite of the difficult times shared together.

    Recently, Will Smith took a look at his love story and he confesses that it’s not been easy.  Smith’s marriage has had “some stormy days.” The American celebrity who wed Jada Pinkett Smith in 1997 admitted that his relationship had “died” multiple times in the past.

    His words: “Whatever you have is gonna die and you are gonna have to rebirth something new. You have to be willing to ride the waves. There’s gonna be some flat days and some stormy days, and that has to be ok.”

    Meanwhile, Jada who has daughter Willow, 14, and son Jaden, 16, with the 46-year-old actor is ever ready to tell anyone who cares to listen that  Will is more than just a husband to her.

    Jada adds that:”We used to have all these rules, [but] as you go on in your relationship; you just get into a flow. Will, to me, encompasses everything. It’s almost as if calling him ‘my husband’ is too small of a word for what he means in my life. I think I had a very stuck idea of what a husband looks like, what a wife should be. Once I broke all of that, a whole new world opened for me and man, oh, man, I got to see him in all his glory. And so that’s what it’s evolved into. And I’m just ecstatic about it.”

    When your relationship is in crisis and you do not understand the phase that you are in, then you need to tread cautiously. First, you need to know if it is over, or if you can save the situation. It is an incredibly difficult time and you may find yourself struggling to cope emotionally, which of course has an impact on your ability to deal with work and day-to-day life.

    Added to this is the dilemma with your personality and you may have trouble with sleeping or eating. Interestingly, some people may start to over indulge with food as a way to stuff down the feelings and numb the pain. You also have the other group of people who would start to drink more than usual to block out their feelings, something that inevitably makes them feel worse once the alcohol wears off.

    Of course, you also have hearts that would simply throw themselves into work and try not to think about what is going on in their personal lives. You find a few in this category and the truth is that a lot of people have difficulty focusing and functioning as normal at work. This category at this stage would be feeling very anxious and suffer from panic attacks, at the thought of the

  • ‘Caring for the elderly means a lot to me’

    ‘Caring for the elderly means a lot to me’

    Morayo Oladele had her first degree in Health Sciences and went on to do her masters in Public Health in Canada.  In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about her passion caring for people, maternal mortality and how she decided to take care of the needs of senior citizens with a centre called Neriah’s place.

    WHAT do you do for a living? I am a public health person and I just like people, caring for them and I know that whatever you do, you just have to work with people. Interestingly, my mother is a very outgoing person but I do not regard myself as outgoing. My dad is like that too, but as a man you won’t notice it that much. However, those care means a lot to me.

    Which was the first job that you did?

    My first job was at an immigrant study centre in Canada. There we helped new immigrants to integrate into the community. I also did some work on people on the streets; those who were into drugs, reproductive health, as well as HIV and AIDs. The experience was good and you learn a lot. It also made you thankful for who you are and where you are.

    You run into so many people who have gone through so much, having to find their way back again. It just makes you realise that you are glad to be where you are. We tried our best for this people but we helped them to rediscover a new life.

    What do you do here in Nigeria?

    I work with an organisation called Save the Children. We have educational and health programmes and my areas specifically are on maternal health and new born babies. We work with women that are about to deliver and babies that are about 28 days old. What we do is to work with health workers, the community and we try to support government to make sure that all the labour facilities are good. In addition, we make sure that the workers are trained on emergency deliveries and saving new-borns that have complications.  We also go into the community to let people know that they need to go to the health facilities; they need to be checked out by professionals. Don’t just stay at home when you can get help and support from the facilities.

    Why do people avoid using the health facilities?

    I think there are a lot of reasons why they do this. Sometimes, you hear people say things like it is the attitude of the health workers that puts them off. Sometimes, it could also be culture or finance. This is usually common with the general hospitals where a lot of women are referred to. What we usually do is to sensitise both the male and the females in the community.

    There are also a number of women whose husbands would not allow them go to the facilities because of culture, religion and so many other personal reasons. It is sad because so many lives are lost and not even recorded.

    Have maternal mortality and morbidity rates reduced?

    It has gone down but not near the target set for 2015, the MDG goals. It is sad, but there was a lady I saw at a facility with a baby that was not okay. You won’t even believe that the baby is three months’ old. This was her ninth baby and she had lost two already. At three months, the baby was weighing 2.5kg which was what the baby should weigh at birth.

    What was responsible for this?

    She didn’t do ante natal and so did not take all the shots for measles, tetanus and others. She missed out on all these and had the baby at home. It could have been infection and so many other things. We work in other parts of the country like Gombe, where they have had bombings. We are there to make sure that education wise the children are not displaced. If they are in class, we also make sure that they are fit and healthy.

    What inspired you to do start a home for the aged?

    I was inspired by the way my grandfather related with me on certain issues. He has been living with us for some time now. When I came back from Canada, he liked the attention that I gave him because I was always around. Each time I went out and came back, he complained that he was really bored and that nobody had come to see him. He usually felt bad that we all just left him alone.

     I realised that he was always like that even though he has his own personal caretaker. There are times that I check on him before going to work and he would ask where I was going, is it morning already and all that? He’s been married several times and all his wives have passed on. He was alone before coming to our place, but even here, everyone gets up to go to work early in the morning. You can imagine how many families with elderly people cope with their work schedule.

     After sometime, I realised that what he misses, the boredom he complained about was not because there was no one around but what he needed was someone who understood what he was saying, someone who grew up in his own time and all that.

    When did you decide to start the home for the elderly?

    One day, my mum and I were talking in the kitchen and I said how I wished that I could find a wife for my grandpa. I knew some old women and I was thinking of how to bring them together, so that they could keep each other’s company. Then she said: “you know we could actually start a home, a place where he could start the social interaction that he needs.” My mother then told me about an empty house she had in Omole Estate in Lagos and I decided to renovate the place and bring old people together. After the discussion with my mum, I also sold the idea to my father and he asked me to write a proposal and see how feasible it would be. I wrote it and he supported me with the initial funds.

    I did my research, checked out for other facilities doing the same thing and it opened my eyes to a number of things. First, I went to the government’s old people’s home at Lancaster, Yaba, Lagos. I found two or three more on the island doing a wider range of things for the elderly. That also motivated me and I discovered the potential. Even though it may not be as popular as a school or crèche, there was actually a need. The name of the centre is Neriah’s place. It means the lamb of God and it is actually my niece’s name and people just kept asking me why I chose it. The first reason is that I sent six names to the Corporate Affairs Commission (CAC) and that was the one that they chose. I also think it’s simple and nice.

    How have you been reaching out to your targets?

    We have reached out and we are getting response. I am on the social media like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Linkedin and BBM. The facility is a four-bedroom space. There are two different categories and the first are those who want to be resident and secondly we have those who can go and come back, like a day care. We handle their transportation. We pick them from their homes in the morning, you know how difficult it is finding your way around Lagos.

    However, we are just doing surrounding areas for transportation to make it easy for us now. Those who are non-resident have the same activity as those in residence. The routine is supervised by our matron who has done years in gerontology. The package also includes breakfast, lunch and dinner.