The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Why you need wedding planner

    Why you need wedding planner

    Adetorera Idowu speaks  with Ayeesha Abi-Akingboye, Executive Producer of 3A Event Solutions, on why you need a planner to make your day memorable 

    WHY did you decide to venture into the wedding industry?

    I always had an inherent interest in organisation and general

    coordination. I started out by assisting and eventually heading the decorations’ team in my school chapel in the university. Right after school, I was privileged to work under Temitope Amodu of Tsoule Events, where that interest was further honed. Eventually, I moved to Abuja and started out with trying and testing vendors at events and then recommended their services to clients afterwards.

    This was how my journey into the wedding industry started. I am very particular about our standard of service and constantly do all I can to ensure that, while the service is reasonably priced, it is always up to par. Also because of a personal interest in travel and tourism over the years, we have also incorporated destination event management (staff retreats, weddings, private and corporate events) and honeymoon packages into our services, to ensure we provide a robust service to our clients.

    What does your work entail?

    In general, we schedule a consultation with the client, determine a budget, identify vendors within our database whose services fit within those budgets, and then advise our clients of the cost of the services to be rendered. Basically, we recommend and outsource vendors, and then line up their capabilities with the theme and idea of the event. In all of this, we do our best to provide services that are as affordable as we can manage. There are a lot of event companies that will not proceed with the production of an event if it is not ‘expensive’; we like to pride ourselves in our ability to work with almost any budget.

    Why should couples hire a wedding planner?

    It’s very easy to think you can handle your event yourself, but it can also be very stressful and time-consuming. A wedding is an event of a life-time, and I honestly would not advise any couple to take on the huge responsibility of planning their wedding on themselves. ‘Delegate,’ I always say. That’s what we’re here for. Focus on the more important aspects of your new life together, like where you will live, finance management, among others, and let us handle that one day.

    In addition, a professional feel cannot be over-emphasised. It is possible to handle it all, but why would you want to when you can have a professional managing all your vendors (which we can guarantee will provide excellent service due to previous experiences) and give you a worry-free day? I was once a bride myself, so I know, there’s nothing like it.

    Cost can be something that holds back couples from working with a wedding planner. What would you tell brides and grooms about the cost?

    Find what fits your budget. Ideally, every wedding package is

    tailor-made for each couple, and the market for wedding planners is thriving at the moment, so review your options, find a planner who will provide excellent service and fit your budget and go for it!

    There are so many vendors to choose from on a wedding day, how can you help the couple?

    As said earlier, we have a list of preferred vendors to help you decide. Also, client preferences are very important and we take those very seriously. If you have a vendor whose services you have experienced, we can always recruit the same for your event.

    When someone is looking for a planner, what are some good questions they can ask the planner at the meeting?

    How much? (laughs) Really, just ask for the previous jobs they have done: photographs can help. Absolute trust in your wedding planner is very important. Also communicate your budget and see if they can work with that.

    What are your favourite wedding trends this year?

    Trends come and go, but I’m a fan of the suspended wedding cakes (I’m in support of anything that adds a bit of ‘ooooh’ to your event). I also love the fact that Nigerians have become a lot more adventurous with colours, especially incorporating black.

    What’s the favourite wedding you’ve planned and why?

    All my weddings are special, I try to develop a relationship with my clients and see their weddings as my babies. I can’t afford to pick a favourite now, can I?

    What are your plans for the industry?

    To be ranked among the best on an international scale; we constantly strive for excellence, and while we understand that this is a process, it is what I expect will give us an edge in the industry in years to come.

    What’s the common misconception about what you do?

    That event managers are outrageously priced and are dispensable.

    Can you leave us with some tips for brides and grooms planning their wedding?

    Take it easy, it’s a big day; but you don’t want to just get through it, you need to enjoy it. And remember, if it you do all you possibly can and put in your absolute best and it still doesn’t work out the way you planned, it probably wasn’t meant to.

  • Reducing rate of divorce

    Reducing rate of divorce

    DIVORCE occurs when a couple decides to put an end to their marriage by going back on the agreements they made initially. This usually comes with a lot of discomfort especially at the early period of the process and it gets worse as the years roll by.  Divorce can be a stressful experience affecting finances, living arrangements, career, schedules, parenting and the outcomes of the children and the marriage as they face each stage of development from childhood to adulthood.

    If the family includes children, they may be deeply affected. The outcome of children from broken homes is often not a good story to tell. It is often believed that those children grow to become a threat to society. These children are affected psychologically, academically and sociologically. Apart from the effect on the children of divorced parents, undeniable is the emotional destabilisation that comes with divorce on the affected parties; every plan, dreams and aspirations at the start of the relationship suddenly hit the rocks and are shattered.

    Why would one want to go through this stress when there could be a way to avert it from the beginning? This is where proper courting comes in. Courting, and healthy courting at that, helps to avert lots of future stress which may pose to destroy one’s marriage.  Courtship is important because one cannot afford to get married to the wrong person even when one thinks he or he has made a right choice. This means that one has to know the party he intends to get married to very well. Courtship is a time of discovery; a time to discover the real feelings of both parties, which you could not get across to at the period of first meeting.

    “What this means is that you get to know the individual well and look beyond the modesty he or she tries to present initially. Beauty can be deceptive and first impressions may be consciously fake; one has to go beyond this level of ignorance to knowledge. Proper courtship also helps to reduce the rate of divorce in the society. Many cases of divorce arise from surprise behaviours exhibited by the parties in the marriage. One will hear statements like “he changed all of a sudden” or “this is not the person I got married to”. “Well, it is the same person but enough time was not taken to carefully study the individual,” says Toun Mabadeje.

    For Kehinde Odunowo, the period of courtship is an ideal time where the parties involved come to a mutual understanding of their differences and build a lifestyle that is accepted by both of them.

    While courting, activities that would help develop and improve the relationship should be carried out. Activities like attending relationship seminars and talk shows, receiving guidance from experienced people like parents, reading motivational relationship books, settling disputes appropriately and in time, lots of bonding and spending time with each other.

    Family support throughout the years is an important factor for a successful marriage. The couple deepens their friendship by spending time together. They are advised to spend enough time as reasonable; get along with like-minded friends and enjoy activities, go out for dinner, play sports together, read books out loud to each other, etc.

    There is also a need to establish the difference between courting and dating because the meaning of courting is often misunderstood by today’s society. Courting is step two on the road to marriage, with step one being dating. From what is established above, courtship should be between two people who intend to get married and not just for people with the intention of having series of intimate physical relationship. Dating is simply having an intimate, mostly sexual, relationship with a person not necessarily with an intention of getting married. People that date do not necessarily court. When courting is present, two people have agreed together as one to intentionally and deliberately say, ‘we are courting to get married.’ You should only enter courtship when you are ready to marry. It is not about playing, doubt or uncertainty; at this stage, you are about to get married.

    A courtship doesn’t have to develop into marriage because a couple can decide they are not for each other and remain friends, which is perfectly okay.  There are certain things to also put in mind for courtship. One of which is the fact that if one does not  see himself or herself getting married to the person he or she is dating, the courtship can be delayed; only enter into courtship with whom you would consider marrying. Like the popular saying goes, “A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage.” Secondly, a successful courtship requires love, patience and oneness. Thirdly, avoid hiding your feelings during courtship. Another truth is the fact that the habits one forms during courtship will bleed into the marriage. Also, courtship requires the couple to be honest and transparent so both can make a choice about life together.

    Most importantly, a healthy courtship should have strong communication; courtship is successful when you can become best friends. The best relationships or marriages happen when couples are best friends. Courtship is not for the emotionally immature; one should not get into a courtship until you can be happy alone and not attempting to heal emotional wounds through a relationship. Another thing to put in mind is the fact that courtship is a selfless relationship; a selfish person should not even have a serious relationship until he or she is mature enough to share life with someone without seeking to gain something. Also very important is a need to break every soul tie. To have a successful courtship, the parties must be ready to break up any relationship he or she had earlier established with any other party. This is because when you maintain two or more relationships at a time, you put demands on your emotions. Tell the truth to yourself and make a choice.

    The actual pattern of a courtship relationship will vary from one couple to another, because no two couples or situations are the same. A healthy courtship should bring out the best in you.

  • ‘How women can be at their best’

    ‘How women can be at their best’

    Bukola Bello Jaiyesimi’s Interest and research spans across Cultural  Diversity Awareness projects in Scotland and this broadened her horizon about the world. The activist and multiple award recipient is also passionate about women in nation-building and mentoring the younger generation. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about the challenges, achievements and the prospects for women.

    HOW would you assess a woman’s performance when aspiring for leadership?

    There are some changes that I would like to see in my lifetime and this includes seeing Nigerian women doing well in all spheres of life. This includes doing better in agriculture, healthcare finance and entrepreneurship. Unfortunately, everyone is running to a paid job which is a comfort zone. You work and spend all your lifetime in a particular place and by the time you are old it’s difficult to start something new.

    However, if a woman comes out to take her place as an entrepreneur, she becomes a catalyst for change and motivates others. You can only mentor others if you have tested the waters. Every stage you are in life, you have a decision to take and this determines how you want to be influenced with the other woman. So, you should rule your temper and not your temper rule you.

    Have we benefitted from the gains of Affirmative Action?

    It is ongoing and we are not there yet. We do not have the figure that we need. We should be examining the gains at the national, state and local government levels as well as the corporate sector. When we get to a stage, then we would need more that the 30 per cent and would be asking for more at that stage.

    What is life as an entrepreneur like?

    I have always seen the need to be independent, to encourage women to be independent not just financially but to be able to take decisions on their own. Women can multi task; you find yourself doing 5 to 10 things before going to work and so why can’t we do the same in the workplace?

    Entrepreneurship afforded me the opportunity to serve by providing goods and services to satisfy human wants and also opportunity to work with a whole lot of people on a daily basis. As an entrepreneur, I made my mistakes and learnt from them. I want everyone in the work place or otherwise to work towards perfection in as much as this is tough, but one can get close, provided this is the attitude youths will embrace, the Africa we have now can be better.

    Tell us about some of your memorable moments on the job and in your life

    For me, the memorable moment on the job is always when clients say thank you for a service rendered. This shows that they are satisfied and again memorable moments in life are both bad and good. Both times work together to give me good; I could learn from a bad experience and this makes me a better person. For me, there is always room for improvement and the good times, I just wish for more. This includes moments like being recognised in the Africa For Innovative Leadership Qualities and also in Europe in similar capacity.

    Who or what do you consider as the greatest influence in your life?

    A desire to make a difference and a desire to make positive change in Africa.

    Who are your mentors and mentees?

    When it comes to my mentor, I have a few mentors that I cherish in different areas like finance, entrepreneurship and personal development. They form part of my success. I will mention just one for now, and she is Kemi Akiyode Adebayo, a woman who will stop at nothing to see your potentials unleashed. On the other hand, my mentees are all youths and women who are willing to be unstoppable in the face of numerous challenges on the continent of Africa.

    If you had to compare female leaders in Nigeria with women in other parts of the world, what would you say?

    We are still looking forward to women leaders that are accessible, less egoistic, down-to-earth and women leaders who will reproduce their kind and leave a lasting legacy.

    Why are you passionate about women in public life?

    Women are dynamic in nature, are able to multi task and are innovative. With the energy and dynamism that women have been endowed with, their role in nation-building cannot be undermined but to be amplified and supported by all the actualisation of nation-building in the true sense of the word.

    What are some of the challenges for women in leadership positions?

    There are a number of factors that bring challenges and the first is sexism. It is one of the challenges in the sense that irrespective of gender, women also have capacity to function effectively in leadership positions and in the work place if given the opportunity.

    The quality of leadership a woman can exhibit is a function of the quality of education and experience that she possesses. A woman can be at her best in leadership when this aspect is addressed.

    What are some of the achievements and potentials for women in Africa?

    Good governance has been on the rise in the nations of Africa as Africa now witnesses women taking on roles as president of nations, corporate and business leaders where jobs and opportunities are created. There are a lot of untapped opportunities for the reinvention of social emancipation in Africa as decision makers could work closely with non-governmental organisations in the nation-building process.

    There is need for more women to be involved in business, trade, governance and other sectors of the African economy. In addition, women organisations can also be a catalyst for development in Africa.

    What inspires what you do and what changes do you hope to see in future?

    African Women Foundation for Nation-Building though founded by women is for women, men, youths and children on the continent of Africa. Women need to take their place in the world economy and by so doing the role of men and youths can be further enhanced and, of course, the children would be taken care of. We want to rejuvenate, reposition and reinvigorate the role of the African woman in the nation-building process across the sectors of the economy of Africa.

    In the next ten years where do you hope to be?

    I want to have accomplished being a woman of influence not only in Nigeria and Africa but all over the world.

  • Living in the past

    Living in the past

    HELLO lovely peeps, hope you all had a great week? I am always very happy to be in touch with you and so glad I’m able to make a positive change in many lives as revealed in the text messages/emails I now receive on a daily basis from many of you. A rather troubled sister who finds it difficult to forget the past and face her beautiful future sent me a text a few weeks back and so I am discussing a topic which I believe would help not only the girls but everyone of every age-group as it’s a situation which has grounded a lot of people. Happy reading!

    I lost my virginity 10 years ago and I am 20 years old now. I am in love with a guy who has proposed to marry me and I’ve been lying to him that I lost my virginity because I was raped. I was never raped. What happened was that my mother left us and ran away when I was 6 years old and I had to go and stay with my grandma. She brought in a distant relative to stay with us. I was too young to know that the lady was a prostitute. She was always taking me to men who would “play with me”. One day, a man “used me” and I saw blood coming out of my vagina. I didn’t know what it meant till I got to form 2 in secondary school when I learnt more about virginity. I cried so badly as it hurt me deeply. However, I gave my life to God at 16 and He’s shown me great love. But right now, I am still grievously hurt by my childhood experience. To worsen things, my guy insists on knowing how many men I’ve slept with as he’s a Pastor and wants to be sure he’s not getting married to someone who has been passed around. I find it very hard to tell him all what happened as I love him very much and don’t want to lose him.

     

    Dear sis,

    You didn’t tell a lie. Penile penetration of a child aged 12 years and under is automatically rape whether the child believes they consented or not. No matter what you said, what you signed, how you responded, how your body reacted a child of 12 years and under cannot give consent to sexual interactions with anyone. We all have different attitudes to issues of life. You may not want to let him know what you went through in your childhood. In the first place, true love doesn’t care about the past. However, if a spouse-to-be insists on knowing some certain information about the woman he’s spending the rest of his life with, it is very foolish to lie about it. It’s better to speak the truth than for him to find out in future when you are married. If it’s a grave issue, it could land you into serious trouble and God may not appear on time because you turned your back against Him by lying in the first instance. If you speak the truth and the man refuses to go on with the relationship/marriage, then expect a super man  many times better than him as a compensation from God as long as you’ve re-traced your steps. However, you must forget the past.

    The past already happened; perpetually living there does you no good. Learn as many lessons from that occurrence then let it go. You will never be able to change it, however, you need to live in the now. Most often we feel a lot of anger towards someone for something they did to us or for their failure to do something for us. Or one of or both our parents treated us badly as a child. Whatever the reason, we are unforgiving and that precisely is the reason that a past event can engross our mind to the exclusion of other thoughts. That is unhealthy mentally unless we learn to forgive and free ourselves. If your mind is clogged with bitterness and you keep feeling guilty and sorrowful, how can you be happy and enjoy the goodies life has for you?

    My darling, at 20, I think you are too young to be choked with man-trouble. I am very sure you have not even discovered yourself and yet to be done with your studies. Be happy and wallow in the wonderful opportunities you can have from God since you are His friend. Concentrate on your destiny and the best men will run after you if this one decides to leave you. Let this experience set you up to be a better, stronger, smarter person now. Now here’s a bear hug to you and other sisters who are haunted by their past and labeled all sorts…hmmm. I hope I was able to squeeze out the pall in your heart? Wipe your tears…smile. Now clap for yourselves because you are starting on a clean virtuous slate. Hip, hip, hip…hurray!

    According to Mike Norton, “Master yourself, and become king of the world around you. Let no odds, chastisement, exile, doubt, fear, or any mental virii prevent you from accomplishing your dreams. Never be a victim of life; be it’s conqueror.”

  • Fumbling heart on the highway

    IT is just natural to fall in love with the other heart. At this point, you are likely to want to do anything for love. It may also get you into trouble or be a source of disappointment. When you fall, the process you make use of depends on your goals, lifestyle and more. That perhaps could be the reason why it is mysterious for many.

    Emotional ‘ fallacies’ make our world go round and we usually cannot comprehend how it all started, where we are heading to or why it packed up earlier than expected. At the outset, love comes with excitement.

    Tasty, if it is true. Salty, if it’s tilted in one direction, and polluted, if there is a third heart working so hard to knock off one of the hearts. For the first eight years of the relationship, Tony and Clara had a wonderful time together. Then he got promoted at work and had to travel for about two years. Sadly, they had never been separated since they got married and it just had to happen. Devoted Tony was in touch on phone and he also shared information with her via email.

    For the first six months, Clara tried to adjust and then she fell ill. The family doctor was helpful and she also talked him about the lonely moments. He tried to fill in the gaps and in a short while this emotional handshake went past the elbow. Now, it was time for Tony to return but Clara and the family doctor were cruising on a 140 kilometre-per-hour emotional highway. In less than three months, their truck hit Tony’s car (heart) and it was time for Clara to make a confession. No man likes to hear tales about his wife messing around.

    Instead of having a smooth ride, there was anger, bitterness and confusion which subsequently caused an emotional traffic. At the end of the emotional imbroglio, Tony crushed these hearts and his heart was equally destroyed in the process.

    It’s fun to taste and drink from this stream or river as the case may be. However, when you take too much from love or drink from the wrong stream then you may just have a disaster in your hands. So, how can you stay safe? Perhaps, it’s better to adhere to the popular rule: ‘If you drink, please don’t drive’. The same should apply to the emotional highway – if you are in love, please don’t drive.

    Doing this may just endanger the lives of fellow motorists (lovebirds), pedestrians (not qualified), motorcyclists (who have been banned from the arena) and cyclists (those who would never come this way).

    A person who is drunk is affected by alcohol (love) to the extent of losing control of his or her faculties. A fallen emotional hero here may need to hold onto the wall, a door or a tree to keep him or her from tripping over. When you are intoxicated with love, then it would make you do things that you won’t do ordinarily. At that point, those who know the principles that you cherish would certainly wonder what happened.

    Getting drunk depicts that a number of lovebirds are emotional casualties. We go into the arena with a clear head but gradually begin to lose our head and brain once cupid’s arrow passes through. Poisonous or not , you cease to be your original self, craving and crying for love, asking for more like Oliver Twist and getting so little in return.

    You can’t think properly, you can’t walk properly or drive properly.

    A collision is imminent and if it is a mild crash, then nobody is going to really notice. What you run into also matters and if you are in control of your emotional wheels, then you are likely to manoeuvre and survive. If you don’t then you may be stuck in a bizarre accident with fatal injuries or death.

    A fumbling heart on the highway is a bleeding heart. Even if it survives, the scars would always be there to remind you of the error(s) committed in a drunken state. Sadly, it is a temporary state and when your head clears gradually, you can be sure that the damage is already done. The gender of the person who is drunk matters. If it is the man who is drunk, it can be excused.

    Here it is the familiar it’s-a- man’s-world or men-can-do-it. Alternatively, she could also be blamed for leaving emotional loopholes, gaps that made him stray in the first place. But if the person who has taken in too much alcohol (love) is a woman, then the story would be different. The emotional pendulum can be unfair and you just have to adjust to be in control.

  • Need to make a choice

    Late night calls

    My girlfriend is always getting late night calls and text messages and this gives me some concern. Each time I complain, she gives one excuse or the other. What should I do? Emeka

    Response

    Trust is vital in every relationship. Once there is something threatening the trust that should bind the two of you, then there would be a problem. The timing of the calls and messages certainly is wrong. But you also need to be sure that the calls aren’t coming from someone who wants to tear you guys apart.

     

    Not ready for commitment

    I have been dating my boyfriend for a long while but I am not sure he is ready for a commitment. Each time I try to talk about this, he says I should not worry. However, I have noticed that his actions are saying something completely different. Mariam

    Response

    Please give him some time. Men do not like to be pushed to make this kind of commitment. However, you still need to get clarifications, so that you do not keep going round in circles. You need to put the question across nicely and this should be done when the mood is right.

     

    We have a financial strain

    When I met my fiancée, I was working with a multinational company and everything was okay. I lost the job about a year ago but was lucky to get another job with a smaller package. Now she earns a better salary than I do and recently, I noticed that this financial difference is causing a strain on the relationship. It is making me very uncomfortable and I have a feeling that she has changed towards me. Leonard.

    Response

    Ordinarily, this should not be a problem if she loves you. Now that there is a problem, you need to talk about it and see if it won’t be a problem in the future. If you do not feel right with her, then she is not right for you.

     

    Need to make a choice

    I am confused. There are two guys in my life at the moment and I am not too sure about who to choose. The first guy is the son of my mum’s friend and everyone thinks he is the person I should settle for because of his pedigree. The other gentleman is a colleague in the office and he comes from a simple background. I like him because he gives me total attention, very caring and does not complain about my lifestyle like the other guy. Naomi

    Response

    Well, the choice is yours. Please go back to the drawing board to identify the qualities you want in your man. This would determine the person you should give your heart to. You should never go into a relationship to please friends and family members. It is your cross and whatever you settle for would determine if it would thrive or barely survive.

     

    Am I on the right path?

    I met a lady at a party about eight months ago and it was love at first sight. It has been very interesting doing things together, but the only problem I noticed is that she is keeping the relationship secret. Is she just waiting for the right time to introduce me to her friends or does she have another agenda? Biodun

    Response

    I think you should give her some time before jumping to conclusion. It may just be that she has had some experiences in the past and she wants to be really sure that you are serious before she starts blowing this emotional trumpet.

     

    Not compatible

    I am 32 years old and I have been married for about two and half years. I love my spouse and we actually share a number of things together. Unfortunately we have issues when it comes to sex and this has created a big gap in the relationship. She is not as adventurous as I would want her to be and this is really putting me off. Is there something I can do about it? Banji

    Response

    There is no cause for alarm. It is a problem but you can both make it work, if you try. It is not going to happen suddenly, it would take a gradually process to change her. First you need to talk to her about it and this would bring about the change desired.

     

    He doesn’t know how to say sorry

    My boyfriend is a wonderful guy but once in a while he does something that makes me angry. I know that he is human and bound to make mistakes but he has never said sorry. Should I continue to tolerate him or let him know how I feel about the whole thing?

    Response

    It is only people who have a large heart that find it easy to apologise foe errors committed. For a lot of men there is an ego problem here and most times they not want to say they have committed an error. Saying sorry is the best way to heal the other heart. It can almost erase the mistake and life would move on as if nothing has really happened

  • ‘We are adding value to our country’

    ‘We are adding value to our country’

    Yinka Ogunde, Managing Director/CEO, Edumark, Ilupeju, Lagos, is a woman committed to grooming a generation of patriotic young Nigerians. She said the process is achieved by partnering with schools, organisations and the older generations towards making our country better and effect changes in the world as individuals are egged on to change. She explains the modus to Joke Kujenya.

    HOW would you measure Edumark’s impact? For us here, it’s all been a case of consistently seeking for ways to add value. That has been an importantly aspect of everything we have been doing. When we came into the sector, we were able to identify that there are some key stakeholders within the education community that are very important. I put the first as the parents. Second as the students. Others as teachers, school owners and government. And then, there is the society at large. And really, one of our driving force is the important place that education plays in any society that is going to develop. If this is ignored, such a society has not started and won’t get nowhere.

    This is basic because there is a way that education liberates the mind and allows individuals to choose to be the best he or she can be. It also allows the individual to live a meaningful life and determine where they are going. When you look at the faces of the Chibok mothers, it’s as if their hopes of living their lives to get somewhere had been shattered. It is a case of them living their lives through their daughters at times while in school. And that hope has been dashed. It is on seeing the faces of these women in newspapers and TVs that you realise that for privileged women who have been educated, it’s made all the difference. At any level, whether you just managed to acquire secondary school or tertiary or you go higher than that, it has made a world of difference. For us here, we believe that if we are going to make any difference to what is happening in this nation, this is the most important area to look at. You spoke about getting our children to read, that’s a major problem. They are no longer reading. So many things like the value system and everything has changed. When I was much younger, I always tell people that then, when the first exam leakage happened in this country around 1977 or thereabout, it was as if the whole nation was in mourning. It was like, how could we ever dream let this kind of a thing ever happen to us. But now, it’s a common place. They don’t even see it as something wrong or as if there is another way to life than exam malpractice. And you want to ask, what went wrong?

    When did we stop reading? When did we start taking our eyes off this sector? And what we are experiencing is that we have taken our eyes off the sector that is structured to change any nation because an educated mind ask questions and know that this is the way to go. People with this mind would seek to make improvement in the society where he or she lives. These values have somehow disappeared in our society. You know my background is in hard core education. I studied Mass Communications. And that means for us to come into the sector like this, we have to determine what our relevance would be. And what will be our key areas of strength. So in the area that we focused on has led us into several things. One of it is what we called “We Are The Future of Our Nation (WATFON)”. It is on the eight year running. We just finished the 5th Edition. It’s a project with three core objectives, ‘Inspiring patriotism, celebrating role models and promoting unity’. We started on a very modest note at the MUSON Centre with the focus to invite people that these children hardly would have never encountered but only read about in history books. We bring them to come and meet them face-to-face, talk to them about the Nigeria they had and how it was never like this before. We have been very fortunate to have some of these old men spare their time. For the five years of  WATFON editions, we have had great and prominent Nigerians chair our occasion to cheer our children. These are people they only read about in history books. And when chief Adebayo Adebanjo came to tell them how they matched on the streets of London for Nigeria’s Independence, that blew the minds of the children. Everything is geared towards ensuring that we make impacts especially as it relates to nation building. And our yearly certificate for best student is signed by General Yakubu Gowon. We’ve been getting lots of encouraging testimonies on how we’ve impact the children.

    How would you describe what you are doing?

    Well, let’s just say we are planting seed and we leave the rest, to see what we can do where there is so much going on in contrast. During one of our programs in Ibadan, one of the children told us that some of the things we were telling them were contrary to what his parents taught him. He said he had specific instructions that he should go and make money anyhow even while he was in secondary school. With that kind of admission, we knew the extent of his problem and sometimes you will throw up your hands wondering where to begin. But the little you can do is to ensure that on such a platform, they are able to relate with people who are not the wealthy-wealthy but those that can tell you this is the way we did it. For years, we have WATFON publication where the old folks write their stories, part way to success, career guide by themselves. And this is widely circulated among the graduating class of secondary school students. We target the time that they are becoming young adults. They had been under parental control but this time, they would be making career decisions and leaving homes to go into the real world. It’s the time they feel ‘oh, I’m finally free’.

    Do you focus on only Private Schools?

    We have a healthy mixture both private and public schools and even some of them in the Universities when they hear we have events, they come around to ask how they can be of help and we find that exciting. This is a Cooperate Social Responsibility (CSR) project for Edumark. We see that if we are to make any difference, we cannot afford to ignore this. No matter how small it is, we just believe in contributing our own little quarter and we have been consistent and steady since 2007.

    What success stories are you ‘selling’ to these Children?

    If you look at the profile of ‘We are the Future’, we conceptualise elderly people coming to meet those children. These are people who are in worlds apart. Apart from those old men in that generation, we have lots of others in the younger generation in various professions. We also do small sessions whereby we call role models to host the students as opportunities for them to give back.

    From your perspective, what is Success?

    For me, success is making sure you contribute and do your best. It is being comfortable with yourself. It is not about measuring yourself with the other person. Success constitute generally having peace all around you.

    How does your work affect your children?

    I’m privilege to have seen lots of write ups that my children had written about me towards my coming 50th birthday and it shows that I’m an inspiration to them. That, I find very encouraging. I’ve gone through a number of things in life and I believe one way or the other, one has impacted upon their lives positively. I believe one of the things you need to manage successfully as a woman, is that you must live a very balanced life. Being a woman, you fall into so many parts, and the expectation of the society for you is very high. You are a wife, a mother, aunty, sister, niece, an entrepreneur, worker in the Church and someone in charge of so many things all combined together. And you cannot afford to fail as you make everything gel together. This demands you keep your peace of mind. Another thing is that you have to open your heart to see so many opportunities in every sector. Once you do, you will be amazed what you can do around you. And yes you can apply your education to something else, that means you are operating at a level where your brain is required. You must be able to design something others would be willing to pay for.

    Do you have time for fashion?

    I believe that elegance is a key thing for the total woman. The riddle about that is that you must be able to combine all aspects. I am not a fashion freak. I only do things, including dressing, as it suits my occasion. And when I need to do the glamour, professional or if the concentration should be on what is inside my head, I dress as the situation demands. But I believe that for every woman, you must think of your appearance and ensure that you live healthy and well.

  • Getting set for Mr Right

    THE single lady is that young lady who is waiting for her knight in shining armour. She is the lady waiting to be married. A young woman that awaits the arrival of her spouse does not just want to live her life casually like she is waiting for the horse instead of the knight on the horse. This means that there are certain behaviours expected from the lady while waiting to be hooked up. These attitudes will determine if she is truly about to get married or she is just a young woman that is not yet sure of her directions.

    Etiquette means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely essential. A lady has to be very courteous and modest. She should learn and imbibe simple etiquettes for a proper lady. This lady must not be rude, arrogant, and egoistic. These etiquettes are just simple and everyday responses to situations that come our way and a lady has to be conscious of this. A rude and arrogant lady might just scare, frighten and push her knight away.

    Many ladies dress like they are just trying to find their way in life or are very far from getting married, meanwhile they are in search of a spouse. It is no more news that one should dress the way he or she wants to be addressed. A lady must dress in a way that she does not appear desperate.

    This does not mean that you should dress like an old married woman with five kids already. Your dressing should be attractive to the spouse but still modest and moderate. Many ladies do not know how to balance this yet. This stage of your life is not when you should be dressing and exposing sensitive parts of your body. When you do this, you do not attract men that want to marry you but men who get confused from looking at you as if you are in search of sex partners.

    For Kanyinsola Ojo, “Moderation is the best outfit or makeup a lady can wear.”

    She adds that “You need to know that make-up does not make people beautiful; is a beauty enhancer. It is better to stop depending on make-up to make you beautiful and give you the confidence that you need. A lady that cannot step out of her house with a light make-up or no make-up at all, just because she feels less beautiful, has a problem and this will become an issue when married. A lady at this point in her life should avoid loud make-up that would make her look desperate and uncool. A mild make-up lets out your real natural beauty that bears the real attraction.”

    Heavy make-up, especially one that is not properly applied, Ojo opines, will not attract the man of your dreams but might just send him off. “Many ladies have hidden their true identities under make-up and then when time comes for their natural self to be revealed, it is just like meeting a different person. Your face should be helping the make-up product sell, not the make-up trying to sell you.”

    Time management is also very important for single ladies planning to get married soon.

    “This is what getting married really entails; managing your time and you do not learn it inside the marriage but before you get in, just as the boxer does not learn how to fight inside the ring. Time will either be your friend or your enemy when you are married. You must learn how to manage, spend and invest your time. When one gets married, the responsibilities increase and it is the time management that you have learnt while waiting that would save you. To help you, you can start by having a to-do list everyday indicating all you have to do for that day and for every task you achieve, you tick. You must learn to use your time in a way that your responsibilities do not encroach into each other. Avoid time wasters like movies, chatting and gisting with friends for hours, long hours of sleep, etc. Some people would watch three 3hr-movies in a day; you have just wasted nine hours of the day.”

     

     

     

     

    Enoch Odesola, a student of Bells University, Ota, says that he would not like his lady to spend so much time on make-up. “A lady in waiting should be very mindful of her association. This is very key. Enough of the games and child-plays and get serious with your life. Many young ladies still have friends that are not serious about life hovering about them. A friend that does not have the same interest with you in marriage may just influence you with hers. This is important because the association you keep will influence your decision on any of the tips listed here. Personally, you would know such friends around you because they are not hard to identify. Try to desist from them. There are some friends that one will keep and might never get married or never be taken serious.

    Chastity must, of course, be positive. No guy wants to marry a girl that has lost her chastity to the winds, especially not by him. It is good for a lady in waiting to keep herself for her husband. No seats before marriage. Many young ladies have thought this to be an “olden days” advice, but I tell you it is true and still applies today. The rate of divorce is rapidly increasing and this is one of the major causes. Trust me, you do not want to handle a broken home. Chastity also increases the level of respect and value your spouse has for you. This is not an old tale.

    Don’t feel desperate to be married, and so no guy should feel like he is doing you a favour by marrying you. You are getting married to him to add to his life and so carry yourself with a little bit of pride and modesty. You are not trash. Walk with a lot of dignity and not pride, a lot of modesty and not forming. Also, be a value-adding personality alongside being a very important person. You should be ready to add one or two things to the life of the person you hope to get married to. One should not just be on the receiving side, but also learn to give. A guy should be able to say, “Because you came into my life, I was able to achieve this and this.” Do not be a trouble maker but a peace giver. Mr. Olalekan Adesina said that values are the traits that the man would count on to serve as foundational pillars upon which his family would grow. He added that every man needs a lady whose values would boost his ego and the value she upholds determines who comes calling.

    God is the most paramount in the life of the lady in waiting. For every tip written here, it is God that would help actualise all of them. Many people don’t believe in that story of God picking a life-partner for a person because many have fallen into the hands of liars. But a lady that knows her God would not make mistakes and have regrets in her marriage. I personally believe that God was the one who made us and he knows what is best for us and so whatever decision you have to make concerning your spouse, I think God should be involved. While having a chat with someone, he said, “Her God should be prime in all as it is God that can indeed ordain a head for her as she continually seeks him.” Every virtuous lady deserves a man who can “pastor” her effectively and only her God can order her steps to achieve such. Well, I don’t have an advice for the atheists; maybe they should trust their instincts alone.

     

    Where she finds herself

    Hmmm… this one is very important.  This has to do with the places she finds herself. A lady that wants to get married would not like to be seen in some places. The places you used to go with your friends when you were much younger and less concerned about marriage might just have to change. Mr. Adesina, also contributing to this aspect, said, “A lady in waiting would not want to be found ‘waiting’ in red-light districts. A lady would be patronised only by the patrons of her position. A lady waiting in dim-lit or dark places would not be found by a man of light except by a man of dark places too. Her positioning and places she finds herself must constantly reflect the type of the person she is waiting for.”

     

    Keeping her home

    Keeping the home has to do with managing your home. If you can manage your time, then you might not have many problems here. You must know how to meet the needs of your husband as well as children and making sure nobody is lacking at any point in time. This could be quite difficult but what makes it easy is when a lady has maintenance and management already like a habit. At this point, it does not become a stress, but now a lifestyle. A lady in waiting must then learn how to manage and keep a home. As I said before, you don’t learn how to fight in the ring. A lady is accountable for the well-being of her children and husband. Always be ready to learn from people around you. This aspect is actually the pillar that keeps your household together. A home not properly managed might soon be shattered. Try to spend time with your family.

  • Your top five destination wedding guides

    Your top five destination wedding guides

    Getting married outside the country has become increasingly popular and celebrities like Tuface and Tiwa Savage have led the trend. Thinking of having a far-flung celebration? Adetorera Idowu shows you the top five things to consider.

    •Start very early:

    The importance of research and early planning cannot be over emphasised. Starting early gives you ample time to research the location, find out the precise cost, find local vendors and adjust your budget accordingly.

     

    •Budget:

    Before deciding to get married outside the country, you may need to consider if it would be more cost effective if you had it in Nigeria. Temitope Kudayisi who will be getting married this September in Dublin said she will be spending an average of €6,000 for her wedding which will have 80 guests. “This is cheap compared to what you pay for a wedding in Nigeria,” she said.

     

    •Local laws:

    One complex aspect of planning a destination wedding is being informed about the local laws that govern your marriage and your ceremony. It is wise to check these out well in advance, as this may affect your destination of choice. For instance, Puerto Rico has very stringent laws about pre-wedding details such as blood tests and certificates of matrimony. In other areas, you have to reside in the area for up to six weeks before you can legally get married there.

     

    •Get a travel agent:

    If the majority of your guests are travelling from Nigeria to your destination of choice, it may be wise to get a travel agent who is more familiar with the location and may have discounts and packages you may not be aware of. If flying your friends and family out of the country is the goal, it is important to employ the services of an agent in the know.

     

    •Know the weather:

    A simple Google search will give you all the information you need. You do not want the rains to ruin your beach destination wedding.

  • Eradicating vesico vaginal fistula

    Eradicating vesico vaginal fistula

    ALTHOUGH child marriage is against the law in many countries, including Nigeria, as international treaties forbid the practice, it is estimated that about 51 million girls are forced into early marriages yearly worldwide, even with its attendant challenges for women.

    Quite often, in most African countries, parents of child brides are driven by factors such as pressure to conform to age old traditions like preservation of chastity and economic considerations to give out their young daughters in marriage. It is not uncommon also in poor developing countries, for poverty-stricken parents to settle debts by offering their underage girls as payments.

    In Nigeria, the marriageable age varies from one region to the other. For instance, in the north-west and north-east regions, 14 years is considered as the average age for marriage, while in the north-central region, marriage could be contracted between 2nd and 3rd menstruations, whereas in the southern part it varies from 16 to 18 years. Child marriage invariably leads to early sexual contact and, subsequently, pregnancy at a time when the young girl is not adequately physically developed to permit the passage of a baby with relative ease.

    These child brides often suffer from physical and psychological trauma. But the most demoralising effect of early marriage is Vesico- vaginal fistula, VVF, otherwise known as obstetric fistula, a medical condition where there is an opening between the uterus and the bladder because the pelvic bones do not have sufficient time to develop before the process of conception.

    A fistula is a passage or hole that has formed between two organs in the body. Therefore, apart from the common form of opening (vesico vagina fistula), there can also be a hole between the vagina and the rectum called recto- vagina fistula, between the colon (large intestine) and the vagina known as colo-vaginal fistula, while an opening between the vagina and the small intestine is termed entero-vaginal fistula. A vaginal fistula starts with tissue damage and days to years of tissue breakdown, a fistula develops.

    Vesico vaginal fistula is a devastating injury in which an abnormal opening forms between a woman’s bladder and vagina, resulting in a continuous leakage of urine or in medical parlance, what is termed urine incontinence. It is a common complication of childbirth, often experienced in poor developing countries as a result of prolonged  labour, usually among teenage mothers. It is estimated that at least 3 million women in poor countries have unrepaired vesico vaginal fistulas and that 30, 000-130,000 new cases develop each year in Africa.

    Vesico vaginal fistula starts with tissue damage, resulting from days of pushing a baby that does not fit through the birth canal often in very young mothers below the ages of 18, an aftermath of neglect during labour and childbirth mainly in developing countries where emergency obstetric care is lacking. Fistula also can be as a result of deep tear in the perineum or an infected episiotomy after childbirth. Women with the problem of stunted growth as a result of poor nutrition can be at risk and the barbaric culture of female genital mutilation called ‘gishiri’ cut amongst the Hausa people of the north employed during pregnancy and labour also results in vesico vaginal fistula.

    This traditional practice, often performed by untrained traditional birth attendants to treat varieties of gynaecological conditions, where a cut is made in the anterior wall of the vagina with an unsterilised sharp instrument results in vesico-vaginal fistula, if the cut is made too deep. Consequently, this gynaecological condition is mostly common in the northern part of the country, where maternal morbidity as a result of the condition is high with an estimated 70% of the 150, 000 cases recorded in the country being recorded in the region.

    The immediate physical consequences are urinary incontinence or faecal incontinence in case of recto-vaginal fistula, dermatitis due to the infection of the skin area. If nerves to the lower limbs are damaged, victim may suffer from paralysis of the lower half of the body. But by far the most traumatic effect of this ailment is the social consequences. Oftentimes, the victim gives birth to a stillborn baby, thus leaving the woman childless. And if the fistulae is unrepaired, the woman remains incontinent and childless, while also suffering abandonment by her spouse on whom she may be economically dependent.

    The victims of vesico-vaginal fistula become social outcasts due to constant stench oozing from their bodies, leaving them physically, emotionally and socially traumatised. And if the victims are uneducated, with no vocational trainings, no gainful employment or visible means of livelihood, they walk a long road of rejection and pain.

    One of the best ways to eradicate fistula is through caesarian section. This intervention was employed in the Western countries at the end of the 19th century as a means of tackling the menace. Birth attendants should be trained and re-trained in emergency obstetric care to be able to decide on a swift surgical intervention if obstructed labour occurs. Access to emergency obstetric care should be expanded and not necessarily limited to the urban areas. All medical staff in the Primary Health Centres should be trained in emergency obstetric care.

    Developing countries and their donor agencies should raise priority attention on women’s reproductive health, by allocating tangible amounts of money to address issues of infants and maternal mortality. Also, public awareness of the ailment should be carried out to sensitise the public on the dangers attached to it. Poverty, empowerment of women, family planning and the policy on the official age for marriage by young girls should be addressed.

    Fistula repair centres should be established as the success and recovery rate from an operation to correct fistula is very high – almost 90%. Counselling is also essential to treat non-physical wounds. This is necessary for a complete recovery. Prolonged physical therapy is also important to treat nerve damages. However, in the longer term, there is a need for an holistic approach to address both the direct and indirect causes of fistula and other maternal morbidities, including female genital mutilation and child marriages.

    Bakare is of the Features Unit, Ministry of Information and Strategy, Alausa, Ikeja