Category: New Woman

  • Congo’s  tough women  mechanics

    Congo’s tough women mechanics

    Girls in the devastated city of Goma, “the rape capital of the world,” are breaking stereotypes to find workand independenceas car mechanics and carpenters. By Nina Strochlic.

    IN a large auto body shop off a dusty alley in the Democratic Republic of Congo, two teenage girls climb behind a stripped-down truck to take a break under a shady cluster of trees. A few moments before, 16-year-old Kubuya Mushingano, clad in a blue mechanic’s uniform, and 17-year-old Dorcas Lukonge, her hair wrapped in a scarf, were, respectively, wielding a circular saw and power drill.

    Each day, these two young trainees saw, drill and weldmaking doors and windows for cars at the auto yard, a dirt enclosure littered with scrap wood and metal.

    In the eastern provincial capital of Goma, where perceptions of women are shaded by a regional nickname, “The Rape Capital of the World,” a group of girls handy with power tools are throwing a literal wrench into gender norms and stereotypes of victimhood.

    “When we came here there were a lot of people discouraging us, saying it’s work for men,” says Mushingano. “But I feel it’s good work and I like it.”

    Lukonge chimes in assertively: “When people discourage us we feel more encouraged to go on.”

    And good work it is. In much of the DRC, roads are in a woeful state of disrepair, and in Goma, the conditions are especially dire. A patchwork of building shells and cratered streets, the city tells of a cyclical war, still smoldering. It’s never been given the chance to rebuild before the next blitz hitswhether a flood of molten lava or a ferocious insurgency.

    Weaving through this are only a handful of properly paved thoroughfares. The rest are a bone-rattling maze of potholes littered with rocks spewed 12 years ago by nearby Mount Nyiragongo, one of the world’s most dangerous volcanoes.

    This state of disrepair provides good business for the city’s mechanics. Cars bumping over Goma’s streets need constant attention. A translator working with The Daily Beast said he brings his vehicle into the mechanic every two weeks to fix the suspension.

    The girls say the auto body yard, otherwise filled with more than a dozen men of all ages, is a welcoming environment. “When there is work to do we just do it, there is no discrimination, no saying, ‘You can’t do this,’” says Lukonge.

    But auto work is not the typical path for Congolese women, who make up half the labor force, but are largely relegated to traditional avenues of employment as seamstresses, cooks, farm labor, or small vendors. In the DRC, women still need their husband’s permission to start a business or open a bank account.

    As a mechanic, job prospects are more promising (Lukonge says she feared becoming just “another” tailor), but not everyone understands the draw of a career path typically filled by men, including the girls’ own families. “Some say, ‘You are just going to hunt for men,’” Lukonge says.

    Mushingano agrees, “We know that’s not the case, we just come here for work.”

     

    These girls, and others in the vocational programs, represent a more nuanced image of Congolese women than the portrait pervasive in media coverage. The DRC is ubiquitous in the top five slots of annual “The worst places in the world to a be a woman” lists; with a 2011 study finding 48 rapes occur each hour.

    There’s no question many women in the DRC are victims of horrific sexual violence and their attackers often enjoy impunity. But there is a whole lot more to these women and their lives than victimhood.

    Lukonge and Mushingano have been practicing their chosen trade at the garage for two months, after a year of training at a local organization called ETN (a mouthful of a French acronym: Equipe d’Education et d’Encadrement des Traumatisés de Nyiragongo). Since 2013, ETN, in partnership with CARE International, has trained 150 young people in its six-month programs, pulling street kids, young mothers, sexual violence survivors, and former child soldiers from Goma’s most vulnerable neighborhoods.

    These novices have their pick of seven branches of training: from mechanics to tailoring, electrical work to “kitchen arts.” At the encouragement of the trainers, both Lukonge and Mushingano signed up for the mechanics class, the only two girls to do so.

    “In class we noticed we had an advantage over boys,” Lukonge says. The trainer paid special attention to them, encouraging them to be the first to answer questions, and pushing them hard. “He knows women are likely ignored,” she says. “When we told him we were tired he said, ‘Don’t be tired.’”

    Being a mechanic doesn’t get either of the girls out of chores. They both wake up at 5:00 a.m. to do housework for their familiessweeping, mopping, fetching water, doing dishes and the laundrybefore starting work at 8:00.

    When their fellowship at the auto body yard ends, ETN will give them a mechanic’s kit to start their own business or join a current one and become self-supporting.

    A few minutes down the nearby main road and into another alley, another four young women, aged 18 to 23, tinker with engine parts on a table in a small workshop surrounded by cars. Their blue jumpsuits are stained with grease, and their hair is expertly wrapped in scarves to keep it out of their way. They’re used to people being skeptical of their mechanical abilities, but, “When they see we are able to do it they are astonished,” says the youngest, Wivine Mukongya.

    “I just had dreamed of becoming a mechanic one day,” she says. A statement ring on her left hand features a fancy car. “I want to do it because I felt like this is work that will help me in the future.” She hopes to become a mechanic or a driver for an NGO, many of which, she says, prefer to hire women over men.

    Goma’s economy relies heavily on the saturated presence of international humanitarian organizations, which have spent two decades battling the turmoil in the region. The United Nations peacekeeping force, MONUSCO, is the largest and best-funded in the world. Driving for the U.N. or one of the many aid organizations is a highly coveted position, and job fliers posted outside their compounds draw crowds daily.

    In a classroom full of boys at ETN’s training compound, 19-year-old Jeane is one of only two girls. She was a victim of sexual violence, but she seems to feel strong and independent in her new role. She wears electric blue eyeliner highlighting the bottom of her eyebrows and says, flatly, as she stands beside a tire-less SUV propped up by lava rocks, “We are accepted.” And more than that, “We are lucky because we are the minority, and [we] are focused on more than the majority.”

    Scribbling notes in the classroom next door is Justine, a shy 17-year-old orphan who is the only female in her class. When she talks about her work, she perks up quickly. “It’s I who have an advantage over boys,” she says. “When I finish I hope I will get a job and with the competitionif there are five boys I will be selected from among the boysthat will be an advantage.”

    In Goma, a few pioneering women are stepping into blue jumpsuits, cranking the wheels and pouring the foundations for their city so it might not just withstand the next upheaval, but possibly prevent it.ac

  • ‘Why I  turned  my back  on law’

    ‘Why I turned my back on law’

    Ope Tejuosho is the CEO of OPINDOS, a cake-making outfit and The MUSE Academy. In an interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, Tejuosho, who is the daughter of the late Governor Gbolahan Mudashiru of Lagos State, talks about her career transformation from Law to catering and some of the challenges encountered. She also talked about her marriage, working with young people and more.

    HOW did it all begin? It started several years ago. It was born from the ASUU strikes. We started taking cooking classes, computer classes and flower decoration classes. Then I was in school and got jobs.

    If you had to compare what you had then and now, what would you say?

    Nothing short of amazing. I started saving and buying one equipment after the other. This gave birth to my first company, Opindos and later the Muse Academy. First, I learnt one on one from caterers and they were ready to give trade secrets.

    The first class was a baking course. I learnt how to make fruit cake and I still use that recipe about 20 years after. I also learnt how to bake bread, biscuits and make yoghurt. The MUSE Academy will be opening formally this week. It started in February and children between the ages of 8 to 15 years come in during midterm and other school holidays.

    Was the opening planned to coincide with the children’s day celebrations?

    Not really. Everything is only falling in place; the 27th of May is my mother’s first anniversary. The initial plan started with mums coming to meeting because their daughters couldn’t cook. Two of such daughters had already been sent out and the question usually was: why is your mother always bringing food for us. So I ran classes in my work place and gradually I decided to do a place for students. They came in and did a photo shoot, we did the first class and it was successful. It had been a learning curve for me. The young ones are listening and their brain is more retentive.

    How did you make the transformation from law to catering?

    After I finished from the University of Lagos, Law School had been moved to Abuja. I was married and had a baby that year and moving to Abuja was not convenient. Along the line, I saw an advert for a cooking school in London and I thought it would be easier to manage. When I got there, I realised that it wasn’t as easy as I thought and they were very thorough, one of the toughest schools, they left no stone unturned.

    To be successful you had to be good in Biology and that was a subject I didn’t like; the digestive system; which food gives what reaction and all that. You are like an uncertified nutritionist.

    So how did you fill the Biology gaps then?

    I read to bridge the gap. I was the only black person in the school and I had to pick up some things because I was determined. It was a cooking school and we learnt Continental dishes, all the fancy dishes. As a Nigerian I knew one species of mushroom that was canned and the other type you find on wood. But there are thousands of species.

    The experience gained made me to set up the new place and it was a fantastic exposure. Coming back to Nigeria, you find that the ingredients are not there and so you have to adapt. It is like studying law there and coming here to practice. That is why I always advise that it is better to learn where you intend to practice. I am a very versatile person and I like a mix of both worlds. The technique, however, is universal.

    At what point did you go back to the Law School?

    I had found my niche. It wasn’t law. I knew how much I was making and how much my colleagues were earning. At that point, I had another child but my father-in-law kept asking me about the Law School and plans to go back. Then he called me one day when he saw an article which said that the Law School was coming back to Lagos.

    He photocopied it and sent a copy to me and I went to make enquiries. I went to Law School and made it. I boxed the certificate, never to be seen again. Years later, I went to George Ikoli and Akagboli where I had done my Chambers attachment before going to Law School. First, I got an internship with them, got in the know and that helped in no small measure when I went back. When I went back, I was in charge of intellectual property.

    I did a lot of registration, copyright and trademark infringement. It is sad that people copy this and that. We are not the most creative but we copy a lot. Things are changing and these days I think we are getting there. You can see this in our music and fashion scene. I also got trained by the International Network of Trademark Association and came back to educate others. A lot of people do not know their rights; they do not know that intellectual property is as bad as someone coming into your house to steal your phone. I didn’t do litigations because I didn’t see myself as a litigant.

    What are some of the challenges encountered?

    Electricity. We are constantly running on the generator. We also have problems with personnel. I have to interview and interview teachers looking for the best. There are a lot of quack schools around asking for so much money and not giving value. They ask the students to bring all kinds of ingredients for selfish reasons.

    So we have to screen, screen and screen to get the best. Even if you have 20 years experience, your way may not be our way. I can tell you eight different ways of cooking jollof rice. As a school, we must have a style and in five years we can change it because nothing is constant.

    How did your parents influence your life?

    My parents are very exposed and for them education is very important. When I was in secondary school, I saw myself in the office. My father had a lot of faith in me as a litigant and he said this was because I argued a lot. My mother, late Foluke Asani Mudashiru, was a businesswoman and I grew up with buying and selling. All of us (the children) have always done something extra for money. I cooked throughout school and until I met Mr. Tejuosho.

    Tell us about some of the memorable moments in your life?

    I have three boys and I think all the deliveries are memorable. I grew up with boys being the only girl in the family. They say be careful what you wish and as a girl I had said let it be all boys. I don’t have sisters and I discovered that boys are easier to manage. If I had a girl, we won’t be friends. You need to see the way I teleguide my boys.

    These days things are bad, you have the internet, GSM, friends and they all make it difficult to check what’s going on. Anyone who makes it now, you just have to doff your cap. Growing up for me was fun and my parents were strict. When you get into trouble, you have to pray that both of them were there. If not you would be punished again when your case is mentioned. All my brothers can cook but I cook better because of the passion I have.

    Who or what is the greatest influence in your life?

    It is my mum without a shadow of doubt. She represents stability, she was the most constant figure in my life and she was there in every sense of the word. You have some parents that are there but not really there. As an executive you must know your onions.  During the oil strike last year, I was churning out my cakes. A lot of people called me because their bakers were not working. Interestingly, my staff last for years because I can bake and ice, I know the time and efforts that is put in.

    When did the big break come?

    When I made the first big cheque I held onto it and it came from cakes. When it cleared and I saw my bank balance I was excited, happy that I worked for it. It was not money that was given to me. This was followed by another event when we catered for All Anglican Bishops in Africa and it was a five day event in 2003. We did all the catering that included breakfast, dinners and tea breaks. After that event we could not work for about a week. We also handled Obasanjo’s 70th birthday and so many other celebrity events.

    How do you relax?

    I was an avid reader but now I take time off on holidays. Last year for my 40th birthday, my mum was at the center of the event but she disappeared. So I went on holiday with my husband and switched off. For my children going on holiday is a learning curve.

  • Day Bridget and Ilesanmi became one

    Day Bridget and Ilesanmi became one

    DR Bolu Ogundowole (former Rector of Rufus Giwa Polytechnic, Owo, Ondo State) gave his daughter, Bridget, out to Ilesanmi. After the traditional wedding at the Owo GRA bride’s family house, the two families , friends and well wishers went to finalise the wedding  at St John Anglican Cathedral Church, Iyere-Owo. Reception followed at Aruwajoye Events Centre.

    Among the dignitaries who attended the ceremony were His Royal Majesty, the Olowo of Owo, Oba David Victor Folagbade Olateru-Olagbegi ( CFR); the Oliyere of Iyereland, Oba Alaba Ebiyanmi Adako; HRH Oludotun of Otun Land; Senator Lawrence Ayo; Olori Bola Sijuwade; Dr (Mrs.)T.E 0jo-Registrar, Achievers Varsity, Owo; Engr. Wale Onabajo; Engr. John Adesina.

    Officiating ministers included Rev Canons 0.0. Abiodun & S.B. 0ladimeji and Ven. 0.A Komolafe. Chief Gbenga Ale was the chairman of the day.

  • Eloped with the wrong guy

    She wants to adopt

    We have been married for two years and my woman has never been pregnant. This has caused a lot of anxiety on her part but I am not so worried because I believe that God’s time is the best. Recently, she asked if we could go for adoption but I do not like this option. Isn’t it too early for this? How can I convince her that the love I have for her is sufficient.Jamiu

     

    Response

    Nice one! Great to know that we still have guys that are as dedicated and caring like you are. However you have to assure your woman that this attitude would not change later. If she isn’t doing any work that keeps her busy then her mind would keep on going to this situation. She needs to take her mind off this and you are the best person to help her get relaxed. Once she is settled, you can also do the necessary medical test to understand what the problem is.

     

    Eloped with the wrong guy

    I have been with this guy for the past 12 years. Early in 2001, he came to ask for my hand in marriage. My family rejected him out rightly. I eloped with him because I was already pregnant. That was how we started living together. In 2004, I gave birth to another baby boy. He decided to go abroad in 2005. Ever since then, it’s been one problem to another.

    He recently had two different women abroad. He is also planning to take my two boys to live with him abroad. I found out just last month that he has divorced me 8 years ago without my knowing it. We decided to go for a court wedding when my father rejected him in 2001 but he has annulled it without my knowledge. My friends and family has long told me to back out, that this isn’t marriage. I have been holding on because of my kids until this discovery. Please advise me. Anonymous

     

    Response

    It is sad that he treated you this way but I think you have to move on with your life. He is an unstable person and that explains why he has children from different women when he has gone to. It is important to be happy, pick the pieces together and you may just find a better person, someone that would wipe away your tears.

     

    Always on dating sites

    My boyfriend is a very sociable person. He is my idea of Mr. Right and everything appears to be falling in place as far as the relationship is concerned. The only problem I have with him is that he is always on dating sites. I have tried to ask him what he is looking for but he dismisses it saying it is nothing. However something tells me that he may be looking for a replacement. Tomiwa

     

    Response

    It is obvious that your man is adventurous and looking for something. If you do not want to lose him then you need to close the gaps and make sure that you play your role dutifully. Alternatively, he may just be catching some fun and not mean any harm.

     

    She is too vain

    I am trapped in a relationship and I don’t know if I should leave or not. The girl I have been dating is just a pretty face and she has no substance at all. Each time I ask her to go for further training to develop herself, she is always so evasive. Is it not better to get out of it now so that she does not become a source of embarrassment in future? Stephen

     

    Response

    You are right. You can take a horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink water. If you have put in so much effort and but all she just wants is to hang around like a Barbie doll. Perhaps you should give her a last chance and let her know what is at stake if she does not comply.

  • Just like monkey business

    A weeping bride is certainly not a pleasant sight to behold. So, why is this beautiful gem in tears? She is crying because Mr. Right did not make it to the Church on their wedding day. After all the emotional and physical efforts that had been put in place, absconding with another babe is an unpardonable sin.

    “How can Femi do such a thing to me? Why did he allow me to go this far before running away? Where am I going to start from now? Questions and more questions. Listening to her side of the story was mind blogging and you are almost infected by her tears. Then as you probe further you discover the gentleman at the centre of this controversy walked into an emotional trap.

    “I met him at a party and it was a ‘love at first sight’ thing. We laughed, talked and had a great time together from the first day. He was always travelling, but each time we were together we had a swell time. Then I got pregnant and was scared he would ask me to go for an abortion, but he didn’t. We began to plan for the wedding and he showed great enthusiasm. I saw him the night before our wedding and he looked so excited.”

    Sadly, he left a note telling her that his heart was elsewhere. She just could not trap him with the pregnancy. A Yoruba proverb which says if you must catch a monkey, then you have to behave like a monkey, aptly captures the scenario. Characteristically, the monkey likes to be in charge, but once this is not the case, it would incite.

    If you, therefore, want a long-term relationship, desire tranquility, stability with the heart in your custody, please don’t get involved with an emotional monkey. However, if what you desire is fun, laughter, mingling and great sex, then you can jump into the love boat with the cheeky monkey.

    The monkey is not exactly in for the long haul when it comes to relationship. They are in one moment and gone the next. Its reputation is for being sprightly and quick-witted, always positive and entertaining as well as manipulative and cunning. They are independent, clever and wont freak out under pressure.

    Interestingly, they are the best type of hearts to have around when a situation puts you under pressure. They are often the life and soul of great connections; a great host one who is never at a loss for vibrant conversations (sugar-coated tongue). They would be there to lift your spirit, motivate you and create an aura of enthusiasm that could move you to the next level.

    Monkeys, like their emotional counterparts, wither under routine and regulations. They dislike being bored because they like their freedom. They hate having hearts that take a delight in looking over their shoulders or one who loves to breathe down their neck. This explains why a monkey’s imagination knows no boundaries and would never follow your reasoning pattern. As you journey romantically with your monkey, you would discover that he or she is filled with magnificent ideas but they would turn out to be impractical, lavish, ludicrous and outrageous.

    Whatever type or class of monkey that you run into would determine how far you can go. From the chattering chimpanzee, aggressive and destructive baboon, clever ape or the silent and strong gorilla.

    In the affectionate arena, the issue, obviously, is not control but having a dynamic connectedness. Love, like the universe, is in constant motion and change. You must, therefore, learn to adapt and move with it.

    Perhaps, it is better to identify your comfort zone and stick to it to avoid any emotional disaster. Food for thought, indeed. The truth of the matter is that the comfort zone for many is just an illusion. In your heart, you imagine that this is the place to be; the place that would make your world go round. But as you move further and take a bend you get a better picture of the zone. It is a zone without any comfort and as you desperately move on, you are likely to step on emotional stones, thorns, nails as well as serpents. Here, you just have to run for cover, running with your heart in your mouth.

    The phrase ‘win some, lose some’ makes us understand that love, like life, should not be a do or die affair. This probably explains why many would go to any length to win and conquer a heart, celebrate the conquest and then shortly afterwards dash only to the emotional lavatory to be purged of ‘love’ that has been recycled to waste.

    The best efforts in winning a heart are not a some-time thing. It should be an all-the-time thing. In matters of the heart, you don’t win once in a while, you don’t do things right all the time. Winning with a heart that you love and cherish should be a habit; something that comes naturally and nobody needs to be forced or coerced.

    Unfortunately, this same logic appears with losing. For all you know, the heart that you have been crying for, wasting precious time and energy on may not be as good as you think it is. It is indeed nothing but monkey business.

  • Getting set for Mr Right

    Enoch Odesola, a student of Bells University, Ota, says that he would not like his lady to spend so much time on make-up. “A lady in waiting should be very mindful of her association. This is very key. Enough of the games and child-plays and get serious with your life. Many young ladies still have friends that are not serious about life hovering about them. A friend that does not have the same interest with you in marriage may just influence you with hers. This is important because the association you keep will influence your decision on any of the tips listed here. Personally, you would know such friends around you because they are not hard to identify. Try to desist from them. There are some friends that one will keep and might never get married or never be taken serious.

    Chastity must, of course, be positive. No guy wants to marry a girl that has lost her chastity to the winds, especially not by him. It is good for a lady in waiting to keep herself for her husband. No seats before marriage. Many young ladies have thought this to be an “olden days” advice, but I tell you it is true and still applies today. The rate of divorce is rapidly increasing and this is one of the major causes. Trust me, you do not want to handle a broken home. Chastity also increases the level of respect and value your spouse has for you. This is not an old tale.

    Don’t feel desperate to be married, and so no guy should feel like he is doing you a favour by marrying you. You are getting married to him to add to his life and so carry yourself with a little bit of pride and modesty. You are not trash. Walk with a lot of dignity and not pride, a lot of modesty and not forming. Also, be a value-adding personality alongside being a very important person. You should be ready to add one or two things to the life of the person you hope to get married to. One should not just be on the receiving side, but also learn to give. A guy should be able to say, “Because you came into my life, I was able to achieve this and this.” Do not be a trouble maker but a peace giver. Mr. Olalekan Adesina said that values are the traits that the man would count on to serve as foundational pillars upon which his family would grow. He added that every man needs a lady whose values would boost his ego and the value she upholds determines who comes calling.

    God is the most paramount in the life of the lady in waiting. For every tip written here, it is God that would help actualise all of them. Many people don’t believe in that story of God picking a life-partner for a person because many have fallen into the hands of liars. But a lady that knows her God would not make mistakes and have regrets in her marriage. I personally believe that God was the one who made us and he knows what is best for us and so whatever decision you have to make concerning your spouse, I think God should be involved. While having a chat with someone, he said, “Her God should be prime in all as it is God that can indeed ordain a head for her as she continually seeks him.” Every virtuous lady deserves a man who can “pastor” her effectively and only her God can order her steps to achieve such. Well, I don’t have an advice for the atheists; maybe they should trust their instincts alone.

    Where she finds herself

    Hmmm… this one is very important.  This has to do with the places she finds herself. A lady that wants to get married would not like to be seen in some places. The places you used to go with your friends when you were much younger and less concerned about marriage might just have to change. Mr. Adesina, also contributing to this aspect, said, “A lady in waiting would not want to be found ‘waiting’ in red-light districts. A lady would be patronised only by the patrons of her position. A lady waiting in dim-lit or dark places would not be found by a man of light except by a man of dark places too. Her positioning and places she finds herself must constantly reflect the type of the person she is waiting for.”

    Keeping her home

    Keeping the home has to do with managing your home. If you can manage your time, then you might not have many problems here. You must know how to meet the needs of your husband as well as children and making sure nobody is lacking at any point in time. This could be quite difficult but what makes it easy is when a lady has maintenance and management already like a habit. At this point, it does not become a stress, but now a lifestyle. A lady in waiting must then learn how to manage and keep a home. As I said before, you don’t learn how to fight in the ring. A lady is accountable for the well-being of her children and husband. Always be ready to learn from people around you. This aspect is actually the pillar that keeps your household together. A home not properly managed might soon be shattered. Try to spend time with your family.

  • He does not look good enough

    He does not look good enough

    For about four years I could not find a good partner. Then early this year I met a guy who has a great heart and I like everything about him. The only problem I have is that he is not handsome and I have been hiding him from my friends. What do you think I can do about this? Omowunmi

     

    Response

    Do you need a man for the runway or a man with a genuine heart? What really makes a great person is not how they look on the outside but how they are on the inside. Even if he looks trendy and attractive and you are not satisfied with his attitude, then you can’t go far together. It is actually the inner beauty that lasts forever. So, appreciate what you have and take good care of him.

     

    She is dating my boss

    I met and fell for a girl in my office. The relationship went on well for about three months and then suddenly I realised that she was dating my boss simultaneously. My friends had warned me not have a serious relationship in the office. Now I know better. Yomi

     

    Response

    When the trials come, the most important thing is to hold your head up high and be happy. You definitely deserve something better than this from her. I would advise you to leave her immediately. A lady who is seeing someone else in the same office has betrayed the trust you gave her. Luckily, she is still your girlfriend and not your wife. It is better to leave now that things are not complicated.

     

    Raped by cousin

    My cousin moved in with my parents a few years ago. Everyone liked and admired him, and then one day he raped me. It was the saddest moment of my life and I am really hurt. Unfortunately, I don’t know how to tell anybody about what I am going through at the moment.

     

    Response

    It is normal to feel this way about what is going on. Being betrayed by someone who should protect you can be truly devastating. However, you need to talk to someone about it so that he would not do the same thing to you or another person.

     

    He is unstable

    I am in love with a guy who appears to be unstable about everything he does. He quarrels about almost everything and he had told me he was quitting the relationship twice. Now, he has apologised but I am worried that he may still do something crazy soon. Tina

     

    Response

    Sorry about the way he is behaving. All relationships have their ups and downs. I don’t think you should get too worried about this because it may just be his own way of adjusting to the other person in his life. Interestingly, some of the strongest ties today came from shaky beginnings as well as initial heartaches and pain.

  • Duplicate the keys to his heart

    IT was a great reunion and it started on a bright note. Friends dressed to kill with makeup that had been replenished to make them look like angels. Food and drinks and then the usual girls’ talks. Lady A set the ball rolling about her man’s escapades and how she stopped the cross-carpeting after a good fight.

    Lady B is not so lucky and she exploded: “For me, it hasn’t been that easy but I have made up my mind to pay him back with all the filthy emotional coins doled out.”Everything has actually gone upside down and her heart is hanging in the balance. “Last week, my spouse changed all the keys of the house and I was locked out.”

    Luckily, the lover girl had the keys to the boys’ quarters in her clutch bag and that is where her heart, body and soul have been finding emotional solace. Lady C’s temperament just could not contain it all and she began to think of options out of the emotional woods. “Why don’t you break the door? I think it is better to duplicate the keys and get back into your comfort zone.”

    Great ideas! Sadly, this is no longer a comfort zone and breaking in means that the emotional battlefield would get hotter. Okay, what about duplicating his emotional keys? That sounds better, but the timing obviously is wrong. How do you go about duplicating a key(s) that you cannot fathom where the originals are? Even if you do, you have to be sure that it is not a broken key. If it is lost in transit then you can go for the master key.

    The key to a man’s heart is very important in any relationship. You either have it or do not have it. There are different types of keys and only the good key is functional, useful in unlocking a closed door as well as locking up to avoid the emotional intruder. The quality of your key would determine which doors you can open, take you to the nooks and crannies of a rusty heart as well as pave the way for heart that’s been sealed up.

    Even when his emotional keys are in your custody, you must ensure that what you are holding on to is the genuine copy and not a key that cannot open any door (s).

    If you must duplicate the emotional lock, then you must start early and be prepared. This master plan would produce the key to his brain (to modify how he thinks), the key to his legs (movement) , key to his stomach and taste bud (food), key to eyes (keep him from looking around) as well as the key to the bedroom. The key to the senses are vital in every relationship. For the ears, it must be something sonorous and something pleasant. Nagging must not be an option if you want to be in control. Like the musical keys, your emotions must be exciting and attractive. For emotional fortune, you must select tunes in the major key sound which is usually cheerful unlike those in minor key sounds that are gloomy. The patterns of the pitches in major keys mirror excitement, whereas the minor keys reflect the subdued speech.

    So when you want to fall in love, look out for a fast, loud, jumpy rhythmic sound. This reflects the way an excited person behaves and you can be sure to be infected by this jolly good emotional fellow.

    The fear of the emotional keys should be the beginning of wisdom for lovebirds.  Every woman must be in charge, be a perfect alternative for any intruder who wants to take over stylishly. You would be uppermost on this man’s emotional scale of preference and it won’t be so easy to push you out through the window or backdoor. If you fail to produce the right key (s) then you become a visitor, stranger or an unwanted guest in this romantic adventure.

    Interestingly, there are times when you have all the keys and yet you just cannot cross the emotional Rubicon.  Here, stern-looking emotional guards, armed to the teeth, won’t let you cross over. If you dare put up a resistance, then you can be sure that they would throw you into the streets far away from your emotional door (wooden or steel), door hole and keys.

    The guards are there to avoid a clash with the new ‘key holder’, the one who has captured your beholder with the computerised keys. Like a robot, the heart that once chanted , ‘yours sincerely’, the heart that could not sleep because of your smile , the heart that fell for your kisses , the one that swore to abide by the love vows would shift just by the touch of the emotional remote buttons.

    But if you are dealing with a local champion, then the set of keys required would be quite different. A sophisticated set of keys won’t get you anywhere. As a matter of fact, it is going to stall the process. Here, all that is required is a kick starter and the antics required here is pulling the right wires together. But remember that this heart can pack up anytime and anywhere. It certainly won’t be a reliable heart and it would most likely disappoint when you least expect.

  • Abiodun  weds Idongesit

    Abiodun weds Idongesit

    ABIODUN and Idongesit exchanged marital vows at a colourful ceremony recently, to be come Mr. and Mrs. Omogbemi. The event was graced by dignitaries from all walks of life.

  • Who are  you trying  to please?

    Who are you trying to please?

    WHEN I was a teenager, I wanted to please my dad. I recall feeling so stressed about it because everything he wanted of me was contrary to what I wanted. The old man was just so impossible and just had to have things his way. Though he was a strict disciplinarian, I obeyed him implicitly not because he could use the whip on me, which he scarcely did, but because I loved him with a passion that still lingers on 10years after his demise. I loved him more than I loved myself and went out of my way to please him because he gave us – his children – the best things in life, treated us like his greatest treasure and protected us with all his might. His love for us was so suffocating; we were his heart-beat. If I told you some things he did to express his love, you’d shed a tear or two. When I wrote my debut book in my late teens, each time I was asked what prompted me to write, even while being interviewed in the magazines and on television, my response was: “I wanted to make my dad proud of me.”

    Writing the book was such an onerous task but I took it up without being asked to just because I wanted to make him very happy with me and gladly went through an adventure that gave me sleepless nights and made me cry a number of times. The outcome not only revealed my calling but also yielded fantastic returns which still linger on many years after. More so, I am forever thankful for the hard principles he instilled in me which have sustained me and lead me towards a beautiful and just life despite life-threatening challenges and which also gave birth to the Girls Club and really wish he were alive for me to express my gratitude. Well, he’s gone, he’s gone.

    Now, a lot of young women who were brought up by good fathers love their fathers to bits and remain thankful not only for their upbringing but also for having the privilege of being well-educated. Most good fathers go out of their way to give their daughters very good education and prepare them to occupy positions they (their fathers) could only dream of in the Corporate World. Also, while in high school, I remember my mates and I sharing dreams of becoming world leaders etc. However, what baffles me is how a young man would suddenly capture the life of a well-baked young lady imbued with the much-needed knowledge to make a great impact in her chosen field and then insist she has to stay home because he doesn’t want his wife working or serving anyone and that he has enough money to take care of her anyway. He forgets that when finances are down, it is his naturally virtuous wife who could save the day and control the situation. But what happens when she has to depend on him?

    So, why did she go through the stress of having all that education? Most women whose husbands insist on keeping as house-wives have to please their husbands though reluctantly and would do anything to keep their homes. I often wonder if these issues were not raised during courtship.

    In the first instance, men love highly intellectual ladies, so why would they devalue them after marriage? Marriage is meant for two people who should complement and support each other to be the best they both want to be. And that’s why it could mar or ruin you. It may help you achieve your childhood dreams which could be the catalyst of your greatness and it may lead you to a totally different path and divert you from your divine destiny. The sad thing is no matter how long your knowledge and skills are unused, they trouble your inner man and leave you frustrated as you become stagnant and just watch the times go by. Painfully, when your husband no longer cares about what you do with your life, your skills would have become outdated, useless, while you forever wonder what you ever achieved with your intellect.

    Girls, please, I beg you in the name of God, as from now learn to carry your dreams on your head! Who says you have to marry a billionaire to become the richest woman in the world? Your gifts/talents have the capability of giving you what your great-grandfathers never had. Don’t forget the sleep-less nights and the groaning that fetched you good grades and those disgusting lecturers who terrorised you by asking for sex and failed you when you refused them. You must reap the fruits of your labour and be everything you deserve to be. Do yourself a great favour and make choices that put yourself first and please you- above everything and everyone else. Be the ruler of your world. You have come very far and deserve to have things your way as long as it’s within the ambit of natural law, equity and good conscience. You must please yourself first.

    We would be married to good men some day and be excellent wives. However, before then, we must open up to our life’s purpose and our heart’s deepest desires, pursue it with a passion and everyone would see it and be left with no choice than to support us. No one owes us the life of our dreams. We owe it to ourselves to be the best person possible and be everything we want to be in life. We must go for it, and the world will follow us. The more that we can implement our passions, strengths, values, desires and motivations, the happier our lives will become. Now let’s take a bow as the world gives us a round of applause. Good luck to ya all!