The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • ‘I am a staunch believer in starting small’

    ‘I am a staunch believer in starting small’

    Ify Onyegbule is a broadcaster blessed with a golden voice. In her career she’s worked with various radio and TV stations including Radio Nigeria and TVC where she anchored the popular ‘Women of Substance’ programme. She recently retired from paid employment and stepped out on her own with a thriving media enterprise. She shares her experience running her own business with Hannah Ojo.

     

     

    WHAT prompted your foray into publishing?

    I have always been fascinated about print anything that you can read, so it was only a matter of time before I found myself there. Having a programme on television and discussing women issues sowed the seed in me. I felt there was a need to have some of the things that I do for the electronic media to be put down on paper and that’s what gave rise to the magazine. I also have books about women on the way and you will get to know about it when it’s time.

    At the launch of WOS you said the magazine is distributed for free; does this portend a hindrance to the expansion of the distribution chain for WOS?

    For me, growth is organic and I am a staunch believer in starting small. I believe every good or service should and will sell itself. I am interested in reaching out to the people around me first before taking on the others. The magazine is free for now because we need for people to understand who we are and what we stand for. As I speak, we are on a “subscription” drive which allows people to benefit by subscribing. We have run for free for a while and things are looking up.

    You decided to retire at age 40, what prompted that decision?

    Retire from working for anyone – that is paid employment – you mean. Because you have to understand that broadcasters or journalists don’t retire, the work continues until your maker calls you. Now why did I walk away from paid employment at age 40? Well it’s not been my idea from childhood to work and earn a salary from someone well into old age; I had that embedded in me even before my career began to take shape. Having worked for 13 years in the industry and in various radio and TV stations I felt it was time, going by my personal development plan, to move on. Another major factor for me was the desire to put my thought and link it with those of other professionals who align with the vision and that brought about Woman of Substance -the women health and lifestyle magazine – that debuted early in the year. It has helped me to maintain a focus on what I was created to do and in reaching out to women and helping to bridge the gap.

    So far, how has the experience been running your own business?

    Hmmm…when I hear this I just wish I could quantify it but I would just say that now is not the time to talk about the experience of running my business because I have just started and I have a long way to go with God on my side. I must say that being on my own has not been different from what I anticipated because I am one who hopes for the best and prepares my mind for the worst. Starting out on your own takes a lot of courage and you need guts to move on and away from a job that paid your bills and still left you with some change in your pocket. Having to walk away from that only shows that you are ready to sink or sail, so the choice was mine and I made it and if I look back now I would say that I am glad I made that decision and I would do the same over and over again because it has helped me to think on my feet.

    As a seasoned broadcaster, what do you consider your most memorable experience(s) so far?

    Most memorable I would say has always been the experience of anchoring a programme “Election 2007” on the Network Service of Radio Nigeria and it is special for me because I was thrust into that responsibility and I didn’t let the folks, family and friends down. It was a huge one where issues were discussed and there were interviews with eminent personalities. The feat was also replicated in TVC when I had to go round the federation in 2011 during the electioneering campaigns. These tasks really tasked my and I would always remember these times because it gave me an opportunity to see Nigeria and Nigerians just the way we are.

    Who are the women that have inspired you over the years?

    I have a long list and in no particular order: Bimbo Oloyede, Joke Silva, Sienne Allwell-Brown, Euginia Abu, Elizabeth Nze, Onyeka Onwuenu because of her strength and vocal abilities and very recently Mo Abudu, who I think has raised the bar with what she is doing with Ebony Life TV. She has shown me that nothing is impossible once you have a focus and know exactly what you want. She is one woman I admire so much. There are other women abroad who I have read about and tapped from their abilities to distinguish themselves.

    Describe the challenges you are facing running your own business?

    Funding has been a major issue but I haven’t let that deter me from my goals. I know that people sit and watch and try to measure your level of sustainability and involvement then they can come on and give a help line. I have also realised that people try to influence you when you set out to do something because they want you to do it their own way. And in times like this, I try to find a way for us to meet at the centre so that the message of the action is not lost and they are carried along in the process of passing that message across because they are the reason you are in business in the first place.

    What are the advocacy activities that you have been involved with recently?

    When you talk about advocacy, it comes across to me as a very broad term and one that is relative in the real sense of it. I have always been about women, health and children and we have done a lot in reaching out to these groups of people. If you monitor closely, you will find out that we tend not to listen to these young girls and they end up making the kinds of mistakes that a lot of us have made, so we reach out to them through this kind of forum in a relaxed atmosphere and hear them talk. For the women, we have done a lot of work especially with the rural women and the widows because we make it a point of duty every year to draw them close and bring on women with means to reach out and support them financially and otherwise. The idea behind this is to have women support and keep them afloat so they don’t waste away after their breadwinners have passed on. What we do is have other women who have gone through their predicament talk to them and they are encouraged to help empower them on various ways to keep their heads above water.

    Our quarterly health and wellness seminars have reached out to women and we won’t stop talking about women health issues because when you talk about health the woman readily comes to mind because with the way she is wired by her creator, some things are not easily detected or noticed until when it’s done the damage. So we continue to call on women through these seminars to take their health seriously and submit for tests so that they know exactly what’s going on in their bodies.

    You seem to be keen on mentorship; have you been mentored by any woman and are you also mentoring others?

    Sometimes I wonder why it’s difficult for young girls to latch on to the opportunity that they have today because there are thousands of women who are doing exceedingly well in their various careers and vocations. But you find out that people are full of airs and they would rather want these mentors to approach them instead of the other way round. Mentorship is the way to go because it makes things easier for you; you have people who have walked where you are now walking, been the little girl that you are, made the mistake that you might make in your career, business or love life to some extent, and it pays you more to at least tap into their wealth of experience so that you are better equipped to confront some of these bumps that will rear their ugly heads now and then when you walk this street called Life. I wish I had these opportunities that abound today but I’m glad that I was able to look at some women from afar and some things about them influenced me, so, no, I never had anyone mentor me in the real sense. But I always had my mother drum it in my ears that what you do today determines what your tomorrow will be and that helped water a lot of things that I would say are responsible for what you see today. Yes, I am mentoring a couple of young women who clearly show that there is something they can gain from being around me and I am happy to say that sometimes I watch them and listen when they talk and I am proud of what I hear them talk about and how they behave because it shows that they are making efforts to make good use of their time.

    What should be the role of men in the struggle for empowerment of the female folk?

    Simple! Encourage her; not shoot her down when she tries to fly with the wings God has blessed her with. Gone are the days when women are told to remain behind and keep cooking in the kitchen and take care of the children. I am also not saying that you abandon your traditional roles as the home maker because if you fail to strike a balance, the centre will definitely not hold because things will always fall apart. The man is there to encourage and nurture the woman’s talent and help her make good use of opportunities and the woman must understand that this is not a call to take over or rewrite what nature posits.

    A lot of men I have spoken with agree that any woman who submits in love will be encouraged, but any who arrogantly subsumes her man will never find it easy and you know what can happen when two don’t agree. So, it’s pertinent for women to know when to and how to strike a balance so that you can get the encouragement you desperately want.

    How do you unwind?

    Before I left paid employment in 2011, it was difficult because the word “unwind” never existed in my dictionary and I tell you it got so bad that one of my bosses said to me one day while I was getting set to go on air, he looked at me closely at 5.30am before I walked into the studio and he said, “Ify, you have to find time for love” and that hit me and it dawned on me that minute that all I had time for was work, work and work. So my brain started a change process. Things have become lighter this time because am so in charge of my time; don’t wake up too early anymore, don go out too early anymore and I have found time for love and be loved by friends and family. I go out and hang out in fun places with like-minds.

    How do we describe you?

    I am just a passionate fun loving free spirit. I was born in Surulere in Lagos and originally hail from Ahiazu Mbaise Local Government area of Imo State. It is fortunate that broadcasting found me, my very senior colleagues helped hone my skills and I am grateful that I am reaching out to people in this profession that so many people passionately want to belong in.

    What is your dream?

    My dream is to own a Women and Health based radio station so that health issues can be tackled without distractions like what we have today in most radio stations. You discover that ample time is not earmarked for Health programmes and you begin to ask why. So I dream of that day that I would run an outfit that caters to these issues and I am still thinking of how to break into the hearts of women to buy into this dream and support it.

  • Making core love investments

    IT was her birthday and she had planned an outing with the one she loved. Ibidunni had invested so much on her hair, outfit and the other accessories that made the total package. The environment for the dinner was also great and exciting. The date, however, turned out to be a nightmare because the dude who was supposed to make it romantic failed to turn up.

    What a nightmare! Now that it has happened, the whole relationship and memories come flowing with stark realities. “I realised at this point that I had been wasting my time investing on a guy who did not deserve my emotions. Along the line, I had noticed that he was not sincere with me. I had suspected at different times that he was seeing other ladies but somehow I kept thinking that he was going to change. I kept thinking that he was going to get tired of his bad habits and then we would live happily together forever.”

    Dreamer! The truth of the matter is that you cannot give what you do not have. This is why relationships that are unplanned most often fail. Even though every relationship has its peculiar strengths and weaknesses it is better to plan and invest in your emotional future. The next question would be how to you make core love investments. Are you sure that your investments would be appreciated as well as reap emotional dividends at the right time?

    Here we must think of the type of emotional investment that we need to make, responsible investing as well as the costly mistakes that emotional investors make before forging ahead. Next, you need to define and understand the kind of investments you need to make as well as how to go about doing it in the right way.

    The love arena comes with a lot of complications and what you think is important may not necessarily be cool for the other party. In economics, investment is the accumulation of newly produced physical entities, such as factories, machinery, houses, and goods inventories.

    Interestingly, in finance, investment is a different ballgame entirely. Here it is putting money into an asset with the expectation of capital appreciation, dividends, and interest earnings.

    However, these parallel lines meet at some point. Like financial investments, emotional investments also involve some risk. This includes investment in equities, property, and even fixed interest securities which are subject, among other things, to inflation risk.

    Investing in your emotions as well as in the emotions of the one you love is not a short time strategy. It is about making a success about the relationship in the long run and you must have the goal of wanting it to work out. It is only when you are sincere with the heart that you treasure that you would be ready to make core love investment.

    To have your emotions given, or “invested,” towards someone or something sounds like a great idea but it requires a lot of hard work, dedication as well as perseverance. It requires focusing your emotions on something or someone that you care a lot about.

    No matter how hard we try we are still likely to run into emotional and economic depressions. They are phases that we pass through in our finances and our emotions. The phase should not be a hindrance, setback or stumbling block. The most important thing is to understand the tools to make use of as you pass through the phase. On the other hand, the assets and investments that you have stored up over time would definitely help you to pass through the rainy day without tears.

    Experts would readily tell you that it is only the rare couple that doesn’t run into a few potholes as the journey through and from the emotional road. Some even run into emotional gutters, somersault on the emotional flyovers many times and still survive because they have saved lots of emotions which they use to replenish each time they are in emotional distress.

    So, if you recognise ahead of time, what those relationship problems might be, you’ll have a much better chance of getting past them when they finally show up.

    In spite of the fact that every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going strong. Some actually use the problems as a stepping stone, launching themselves to emotional heights they never imagined existed when they started out together.

    They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to maneuver through the complex issues of everyday life. Others also get assistance by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counselling as well as observing what other successful couples do to enrich their emotional bank.

    It is also good to set up some rules that would guide your relationship with one another. Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education compounds these problems.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week:

    Role reverser in a relationship/ marriage:

    Are men now allowing women to take over their “responsibilities”? In other words, men don’t want to be a “provider” any longer but still want to wear the “crown” as the head of the house! Young men nowadays have a saying when it comes to giving or supporting a woman financially, they use words like, “oh, you are an independent woman” you don’t need my money. They have forgotten that back then, in the olden days what our fathers used as a husband and as a “man” is how theycan support and provide for their women and their family. If you tell a woman, “oh you’re an independent womanand she accepts and does not complaint if you “refused” to support her financially, you better believe it, that as a man you have no “control” over that woman whatsoever. My belief even if a woman is a billionaire you still as a responsible man must be able to be responsible for some things in her life financially. Barry White, Quincy Jones, and others sang a song in the 80’s called “Secret Garden”, Barry White said, “I will take good care of you, that’s what a man is supposed to do, I will be there for you all the time.” All the time is mainly talking about financially responsibilities. There is a Yoruba saying, “A tigbeyawo oja, owoobe lo soro.” What this means is marrying a woman is not a problem, to provide for her financially is the problem. Anywhere in the world, it is a known fact that women look up to men for support on average, even in the western world that we are trying to copy and emulate so much. In the bible, Quran, and in any other book you read when it comes to a man’s role in a relationship, no argument that the man is the “head”, what makes that “head” is how you can provide financially or at least support your woman. In our society, we are still trying to be so westernized, but we are also forgetting that we have a much embedded culture and tradition. The embedded culture and tradition incorporating western ideals into relationships and marriages now are creating a lot of conflicts and confusion which is what is causing rise in divorces and break-ups in lot of relationships. I still know of elderly men that will not allow their wives to work, what they do is allow the women to support them in their various businesses. Most of these women have more than an average woman that is working, they drive the best cars, have the best things in life. Also know of an elderly man that refuses to date outside his marriage for the mere fact that he knows he wants to keep his home, but most importantly he knows the other woman will be looking or demanding financially for more than he can give. To be fair to his wife, himself, and the other woman, for the other women not to feel being taking advantage of. He kept his promise to himself not to date outside his marriage unless he can provide for the other woman too. In other word, I am not saying it’s not good for a woman to be independent, it is in fact very good because it is also the duty of a good woman to support her partner or spouse if need be. But all I am saying is that when it comes to women on a man’s role in a relationship, in order to maintain balance and stability, both must know there is a boundary that must not be crossed or messed up in order to sustain and keep the relationship or marriage balanced. One need to know there are “mere” men and women, those ones are categorized as “quatity men and women” not “quality men and women”, I am talking about men and women with values, ones that will one way or the other add “value” to each other lifes. Now In conclusion, I am advising our young men not to sell their “crown” because of selfishness and self-centeredness. If you want a woman to respect you, not just love you no matter, what makes sure you are responsible for some financial obligations in her life no matter how rich or well to do the woman is.

    Next fewweeks look out for: Are Women the reason why men are refusing to fulfill their responsibilities as a man?

    Are men “driving” women to become “vultures”?

    Are parents training/showing their sons and daughters what each role is in a marriage for the future?

    The effect of how what we do as couples affect how we behave outside our homes and how it affects the society as a whole.

    Question: My name is KemuKemuVerere, “Kem” for short. I am 16 years, I live with my parents, my two brothers and a sister. I am the youngest of the four. My brothers are 22 and 20 years old, and my older sister is 19 years old. My mother is a teacher in one of the elementary schools in our area while my dad works as an electrician, he has his own business. My two other brothers are schooling in Lagos right now, my sister and myself live at home with our parents. I am not too close with my older sister, but I am very close to my two older brothers. My mom on the other hand is a typical wife that although loves her children but is very submissive to her husband. My father controls his household with a very strict hand, my mother at the end of the month gives her salary to him, he decides who spends what, and who buys what in the house. In other words, my father’s wish is the command in the house. Ever since I’ve known my parents, my father always abuses my mother physically, especially when he’s drunk. The next day my mother will continue as if it was nothing. She does not allow us to interfere at all. It is because of this that my two brothers decided that it’s better for them to leave the house so that they are not forced or attempted one day to interfere on our mothers behalf and ended up hurting our father in the process. I started my period about 4 years ago. My father is very fond of me, he will call me his precious flower. He took a keen interest in my menstrual cycle. At first, I was very happy that it is my dad that will always ask if i’d seen my period. My mom on the other hand barely shows any interest in what my sister and I do. My father is the one that will keep advising not to go near any boy because I might get pregnant, and once I am pregnant my life is ruined forever. Because of his regular warning, I don’t even allow any boys to touch me at school, not even when we are having a conversation. On my 13th birthday, my dad bought me a set of body wash and told me it will make my skin glow, I used it every night. One night, about a week after my birthday my mom was out of town for training from her school. My dad told me to set my alarm for 11p.m., once the alarm rings, to come to his room that he has something to discuss with me, I said ok sir. When my alarm rang at 11p.m, I went over and my dad said I should sit down on the bed. He told me that something is going to happen between us now, it is a family tradition that has been in his family for the longest time and this always happens between the last daughter and her father. He said I must not tell anyone, not even my mother or sister. That the day I reveal it to anyone I will become a barren. I asked him what it is sir, he said we won’t talk about it anytime it happens, but to just watch and relax anytime it happens, I told him alright. My father proceeded to take off my clothes and climbed on top of me. I wanted to scream, he covered my month and said, it is an abomination to even scream, that I must be strong and bare the pain. I believed him. 10 minutes later, he got up and gave me a small towel and pure water to go and clean myself. He said I should return the small towel to him, which I did. He then gave me two pain killers and said he will let me know when this act will happen again, to make sure no one knows. The next morning, I was still in pain, when my sister asked what was wrong with me, I told her I have stomach pain, she said I should go and drink salt and water, which I did. Princess, the act has been going on now for about 3 years, each time, I will clean with the towel and return it to my dad. As I told you earlier, my father keeps a very good tab on my menstrual cycle. About 4 weeks now, I have not been feeling good. My parents thought I had malaria, they took me to a family doctor who confirmed that I was 4 weeks pregnant. My parents demanded to know who was responsible for my pregnancy, I confided in my mother and sister what had been happening between my father and I. They both told me I must be crazy, and my mother at one point slapped my face that I am trying to destroy her marriage. She said that she had always known that I am a demonic child. My sister said I must be hallucinating to think that our father will do such a thing. I have not been able to communicate with my two brothers in Lagos. Princess, they are making my life a living hell right now still demanding to know who is responsible for the pregnancy. My mother vowed she will never be part of aborting for any child of hers. My father is even refusing to say anything, telling my mother that she has failed as a mother to raise me up properly, a such, this is both of our problem we should go and resolve it the best way we know how. Now, I confided in my two friends from school, they are the ones that told me to write to your column and ask you for your advice. Should I go and report my father to the police and destroy my parents live or should I find money to abort the pregnancy because I definitely cannot keep the baby. Please help me to make the right decision. KemuKemuVerere Delta State

    Answer:

    Dear “Kem,” after reading your unbelievable story, my eyes swelled up with tears. Yes, I have heard similar stories like this before, but I have never believed that a father will sleep with his own child when he has his own wife and a lot of other women out there that he can approach if he so much chooses to cheat on his spouse. You mentioned something that the first night when this incident occurred between you and your dad, that he gave you a small towel to clean up with and asked you to return it to him, that this same act continued. What is not clear to me is why does he give you the towel every time he performs this act with you? Because if he does, if he does this act this might go beyond what meets the ordinary eyes. Secondly him keeping a close tab on your menstrual cycle shows he was probably monitoring your “safe period.” So as not to get you pregnant, so if what you are telling me is true. That he is the only man that has ever come close to you that way, then obviously he miscalculated and that might be the reason why he is adamant and blames your mother for not keeping a close tab on you. Regardless of whether the pregnancy is his or not. I believe he has committed two offenses which one is child abuse and I believe the other is incest, both should be reported to the police. If you decide to take law into your hands or decide to abort the pregnancy without proper guidance, God forbid you might end up dead. Now, since you do not have any support system whatsoever, be it your mother, sister or brothers. The next course of action is to turn to the law, the police, allow them to interfere and assist you the best way out, to get the best result for you so that your future is not totally destroyed by this foolish act from your parents especially your father. I am so sorry that you have to go through this at a young age. I hope this will not destroy or spoil future relationships for you. I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week:

    We should all create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid of our partners. A relationship or marriage should be about “a union” of friendship and trust, not of being “ afraid” of your partner.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week:

    Your 16 year old daughter wants to start clubbing with her older cousins, your husband does not see anything wrong with it. You on the other hand believes that she should not start clubbing until the age of 18. This causes tension between all three of you. What would you do?

    a) Since your husband is the head of the family, it is ok.

    b) Try to let your husband see your reasoning to let her be 18 years old before clubbing.

    c) Tell them you are the mother and you know better when it comes to raising a child.

    d) Stop talking to both of them.

    Question:

    Dear Princess, My name is Ekaette aged 48, a widower with 2 boys ages 21 and 22. My current boyfriend of 3 years, Fela, is divorced with 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, ages 19, 18, 16. My husband passed about 8 years ago, in a car accident. Since then I have been raising our two sons by myself. Luckily for me, my husband had built a 4-storey house of 4 flats, we live on the last floor and the other 3 are rented out. So with the rent I collect from the rental property and what I make as a bank officer, am able to send my sons to the University. Prior to meeting my current man friend, I have been in and out of relationships. The saddest thing about this is that until I lost my husband, and finding myself on the other side of the fence, I had not realized how difficult it is to find a “decent man”. A “decent man” in my opinion is not just about sleeping together, it goes way beyond that. To me, my husband was a decent man, he was able to make me feel like a woman all the time, and he knew what I needed when I needed it. Financially, we were never lacking, he did not for once make me feel or regret marrying him. He wore the crown as the head of the family with pride and dignity. So, when he died, it was very difficult for me to find a man that can fill half of his shoes. 90% of the men will promised heaven and earth, but as soon as they get what they want from me, I almost have to start chasing them like little children. The worst part is that at my age, it is very difficult or sometimes impossible to find a single or divorced man. Most of the guys that come my way are married men. Up until when I lost my husband, I will never dream of dating another woman’s husband, because I wouldn’t want another woman to do it to me, but unfortunately in the process of looking for a companion, I had no choice but to allow myself to date married men. Now, some of the disadvantages are that you cannot see him when you want to, when he sees you, you cannot go out with him openly for the fear that someone that knows him might see you guys together. Some are so afraid of their wives, that they can only see under extreme secrecy, there are some that can only call during office hours, no evening, no night s and definitely no weekends. Worst part, it is extremely difficult for most of them to assist you financially because they will tell you, they also have their own wife and children and other financial obligations to their families. All these put together, I promised myself to stop dating married men, that I will only date single or divorced men. Well Princess, I got lucky after 3 years of waiting, Fela came my way. At first, I resisted him, because I told myself he is just another man that will promise heaven and earth at the beginning then a couple of months later into the relationship will be when he realizes that he has other families and cannot give time, talkless of him assisting financially, but Fela proved to be different. Divorced for the last 5 years, his wife left with another man and left the care of their 3 children to him. He too had vowed to dedicate his life to his children. He started banking at my branch. Anytime he needed help, I would assist him although I was not his account manager. He seemed very comfortable coming to me anytime he needed assistance with his transactions. He had been coming for about 3 months and one day he asked if I was married, I said no, he said great, can I treat you to lunch. At first I wanted to say no, then I said to myself what do I have to lose, one lunch with him, should not be a problem. We went on the date, and when we started talking, I almost went past my lunch hour. He asked where I lived, I told him I lived in the next town, but I do not allow men to come to my house because I have 2 grown boys. He said that was not why he asked me where I lived. He wanted to invite me to a dinner date so that we can continue our conversation, and he was concerned about me getting home late. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend. We met at an agreed restaurant not too far from my house. We were so engrossed in conversation; we were there for a good 3 hours. Both of us could not believe that we had so much in common. Another date was arranged, long story short, we started seeing each other steadily. Fela was compassionate, giving, gentle, caring, name it. I could not believe my luck that a “decent” man still existed on this planet. It was obvious within 6 months of seeing each other we had both fallen in love. He told me he does not believe that a caring, motherly, sisterly woman still existed on earth until he met me. He started inviting me to his house. I met his 3 beautiful children, 2 girls and a boy. I felt as if they were mine; I would help the girls cook and store food in the freezer. I felt like the girls were the daughters I never had. The children received me with open arms. Three years into the love affair, with complete understanding of each other, we both knew it was obvious something good will end up coming out of this relationship. At home meanwhile, my eldest son stays on campus while the younger one refused to leave me alone. He said he will not be able to leave me alone if he does not know I’m alright at all times. I love both of my boys dearly, my son Kenneth, the oldest, had been talking about his girlfriend now for almost a year. He kept promising to bring her home to get to know me at the same time. His 23rd birthday was coming up, which falls on a Saturday. I told him to come home that weekend so that I could do something special for him, he agreed. I was in the kitchen cooking, and was just spooning the rest of the jolof rice that I had cooked into the cooler when Kenneth came in with a beautiful lady by his side. He greeted me, I responded, the girl beside him said “aunty”? I said, “Jumoke”? We both looked at each other with surprise, unaware, I dropped the spoon I was holding on the floor, it was the sound of the spoon hitting the floor that jolted me back to her hugging me and I hugged her back. I asked how she was doing, she said fine. I asked about her dad, she said that everybody is fine. Now, I looked at my son, I said “How did you find Jumoke?” He replied happily and said mom, this is the Jummy, my girlfriend, that I have been telling you about. I told you I am going to marry once we finish with our National Service. Luckily, there was a chair in the kitchen, I sat down. I thought, no, no, no. This cannot be true, after all these years of finding a true love, now this. I pulled myself together, called Jumoke aside not to tell Kenneth anything about my relationship with her dad until after Kenneth’s birthday get-together is over, to wait until Sunday for us to talk about it. On Sunday evening, I sat Kenneth and my other son Elliot down, Jumoke was watching. I told them that Jumoke’s dad and I have been dating steadily for the last 3 years or so. Kenneth got up so fast out of his chair, that it fell back. He said, “Mom you have been seeing a man, and you kept it a secret from us?” I looked at both of my sons and said “it’s not like I wanted to keep it a secret, there was just no right time to tell both of you, plus you Kenneth live on campus and Elliot is always in school anyways.” There is no excuse I’m sorry! Kenneth now sat down, he said “mom, “How would this affect the plan of Jummy and I getting married?” I smiled, I told him “nothing will affect your union” When they left, I called Fela and narrated everything to him. He took a deep breath and said we will discuss it when next we meet. The following week, I went over to his house, his conclusion was to wait and see since they have not decided to get married yet. Princess, my mind is not at rest. What should I do? Should I leave the man I love because of our children marrying each other? If I stay with this man regardless of the children would it be violating any moral or ethical ground for that matter, please advice me. Confused Ekaette, Akwa Ibom

    Answer:

    Dear Ekaette, It seems to me you are caught between the rock and a hard place. Your situation deserves a very thoughtful, careful and methodical response. You are 48 years old, according to Erikson’s theory of Psychological development, you are at stage 7 which is “Generatively VS Stagnation” that is between the ages of 40 to 65. This stage, if there is no interruption, meaning if you are happily married, everything in your life is the way it is supposed to be. Adults at this stage need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success at this stage leads to feeling of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world. The problem now is that people at this stage are experiencing failures and difficulties in their relationship just as you have experienced by waiting for 3 years before meeting someone compatible, you end up reverting to the 6th stage which is “Intimacy VS Isolation” a lot of women, even men, in your age group that are having problems with their relationships storm this stage. Meanwhile people at this stage between the ages 19 to 40 years old group are still finding their love and relationship! People in your age group who are having difficulties in keeping a steady relationship now reverts back to over populate this stage which is what is making it difficult if not impossible to find a compatible partner. Now that you have gotten lucky and found someone compatible, as luck would have it, your children met outside on a neutral ground and decided they will marry each other. I want you to explore these two options. One, if you decide to leave Fela for your children to marry on moral grounds, I do not believe there are any ethical values that are being violated here. What are the chances of finding another companion at your age? Remember, you have dedicated all your live to raising your children, when both of them finish school, get jobs and get married. What will happen to you without a steady and loving person in your life? Secondly what are the chances that after your children are married; their marriage will last, with the divorce rate out there. Of course, we all pray and hope this never happen to any of our children, but Ekeatte, am been realistic now! If the marriage does not last and you have separated from your companion thinking it is the best for the children, the emptiness you will experience when everyone is gone might end up letting you to blame or worst hate your son, Kenneth. Think about it very well. Sit down with Fela, look at all the pros and cons and make sure you come out with a decision that will benefit all of you and your children at this stage. The other is if you decide to keep your relationship with Fela, to make sure you do not bring any child to this world together. Yes, that by itself is a sacrifice. The wisdom to make the right decision will be giving to both of you. I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week:

    “Don’t listen to what people say, watch what they do.”

  • ‘You have to love what you do and keep at it’

    ‘You have to love what you do and keep at it’

    Nike Lamai is the founder of Hadassah Healing Foundation, Co-pastor at the Maker’s Church and has been an administrator in a multinational organisation for about two decades. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about her passion for women, their challenges and more.

     

     

    WHO or what inspired you to do some of the things you are doing?

    I have a mother that is an addicted giver. She is 78 years old at the moment. So I actually grew up to know how to give. If you give her a monthly allowance, you can be sure that she is going to give it all out. I grew up in a polygamous home and my mum had two of us. I had my first degree in History and Masters in Industrial Relations. I have been an administrator in a multinational company for about 20 years now. My typical day is hectic and I feel that 24 hours a day is not enough to achieve what I want. So I prioritise because I am not a wishy washy person. Even when I am sleeping I have something by my side to note any idea that comes up. When I got married, my husband saw this in me and he encouraged me to do something in this line. Sometimes, I can be going on the street and start crying when I see situations that move me to tears. I am very emotional about women and the things they pass through on a daily basis. Apparently, God also had orchestrated it all and the first programme took place at The Sheraton Hotels and Towers in 2005 and we had about 80 people in attendance.

    What are some of the discoveries you made since you started about eight years ago?

    In the process of working with women, I discovered that a lot of them were not where they should be because of laziness and lack of exposure. A lot of them believe you must start big and then the waiting game begins. I have seen a lot of people starting from zero and getting to the top with hard work. Sustainability is also very important but a lot of people are very impatient.

    For instance, you find someone in water business today and because they feel that their business is not growing, they would just drop it and move into another area overnight. The truth of the matter is that you have to love what you do and keep at it. There is no one who does not have challenges in life. A few cases are genuine but there is no case without a challenge.

    Who are your targets and how have you been touching the lives of these women?

    Basically, we are reaching out to people with low income or no income at all. A number of them are mostly housewives and unemployed young women. In addition, we have young girls that are challenged and catering for the family. Unfortunately, these are some of the reasons why some of them are pushed into prostitution.

    We have the community outreaches where we impact knowledge, empower the less-privileged so that they can be in a position to take care of their families and have a multiplier effect on the society positively. Apart from this, we also have some people that we empower in schools and we pay attention to the welfare of some widows around us.

    At a point, God spoke to me to go to the hinterland. So I went to a community called Alausa in the Ikeja area. The place is highly populated and we gave them support and enlightenment talks. The areas covered included cervical cancer, breast cancer and diabetes. So what we focused on basically last year was health and everything was free for those who participated. Everyone who came got their results and they went back for further checks. We also gave out free clothing. The foundation works throughout the year from January to December trying to reach as many women as possible. What we do is counselling for some of our targets as well as conferences in different parts of the country. We were in Sabongida Ora in Benin in the month of March, and in June we were in Ibadan for the first time. Since then there has been a craving for more. We do a lot of conferences and the most constant is the Lagos conference. The next edition of the Lagos conference comes up in September and the theme is “New Wine”.

    We are focusing on empowerment and we would be going to four locations that include the Sogunle Community Hall, Anifowoshe in Ikeja, Ikorodu and Akute in Ifo Local Government Area of Ogun State. Personally, I believe that empowering the woman makes you empowered. We are also going to teach the selected beneficiaries how to start a small business and grow big with time. You do not have to start a business big to succeed; you can actually start small and grow bigger and better.

    Which areas are you looking at in terms of training?

    In one of the locations, we would be teaching crafts and it would shock you to know that the resource persons that we would be using are a blind man and his wife. So for me, there is no disability that can hinder someone who is focused. Here I am talking about a man with physical disability who has four children and he is making money.

    In the other locations we would be teaching these women how to make donuts, tailoring and other skills. At the end of the programme we would take six of the participants who perform very well as Hadassah 2013 ambassadors. We would support them for the duration of the course they have selected for further training, give them what they need to start off as well as monitor to ensure that they are established. This way we would be able to give back to the society as well as ensure that these people do not become a liability to the society.

    To do some of these projects, we have been funded by our partners who are women who believe in us. Instead of giving the beneficiaries seed money, what we do is to establish them with their requests and not give them money. From experience, money can be tempting and it could be diverted to other needs. Like those who want to go into tailoring we buy the machines and the other accessories needed to do their work.

    Recently, we empowered someone who was going into recharge card business and bought vouchers from the different networks, umbrella, tables and chairs which we handed over to her instead of the cash equivalent. At some point, the participants expected us to give them money but we shocked them by buying the items that we think should give them the start off.

    Some of the challenges for women these days include divorce, violence against women and poverty. How do you handle these?

    Divorce is not of God but we are not a legalistic organisation. Someone called me to take up a divorce case but I told her that this was not our focus. What we do is mediation and counselling. Interestingly, there are a number of couples who are living together in the same house but they are worse than those who are divorced. In some cases, you would find out that it is the woman who is at fault. I have a pathetic case of a couple and the husband told her not to work and she obeyed. But all of a sudden they gave a lady a ride in their neighborhood and the man started dating her.

    He started getting irritated with his wife’s presence and was complaining about her shape, hair and almost everything. The woman started getting nuts and she hacked into her husband’s mail. Here she found a lot of shocking things and when she confronted him with them he was nonchalant about her findings. It continued and at home the lady and her husband kept pinging themselves and he stopped eating her meals. It was a traumatic experience. The good thing is that they are back together and the Jezebel has pulled out. Marriage is not sweet all the time, it is about tolerance.

    What are some of the high points for the organisation?

    For me, touching and transforming lives is something that makes me happy. You look back to recall where they are coming from and how you have helped to give them a push. One of our students is now a first class Engineering student. We also have a number of families who are no longer a liability to others. Of course, we know that out of every 10, you can be sure that two or three would default but that does not deter us from doing what we are doing.

  • Coat of emotional colours

    ANYONE can do anything with a million dollars. But it takes more than money to make something out of nothing”. This quote naturally tells us that we can do some much and execute lots of ideas when we have moneys. Dreams and ideas naturally translate to reality when we have money and resources to carry them out.

    Money, companionship, opportunities are usually possible when the mega bucks abounds. Without this then we are talking about a life being compared to that of the rag. Poor, ragged, empty and worthless condition. But in the midst of physical and emotional poverty you can metamorphose to another state.

    From experience many would tell you that nothing good comes easy. You really need to be put great effort into the love nest to make it work. This brings to mind the rags to riches phrase and it takes you from obscurity and emptiness to your hearts desire.

    Yes, we all agree that money is indeed a mean to certain ends but there are so many other factors that must blend together to achieve a successful outcome. If this is not done then the resources that should matter would obviously go down the drain.

    The crux of the matter here is that money on its own cannot move mountains whether for physical, emotional and other ends.

    In Dolly Partons, song, ‘Coat of many colours the lyrics talks about a box rags in the season of her youth. A box of rags naturally suggests a collection of something useless, old, garbage, something awful and obviously something many would love to dissociate with.

    Instead of looking at the odds the young girl and her mother decided to make the best out of nothing. Parton’s mother put the rags of many colours to use. Even though every piece was small, her mother sewed the rags together with passion and love. There was no money and her little girl needed something to keep her warm. This naturally would be a time when issues of love and romance would be at the peak.

    This led to the creation of a coat of many colours. Of course, a coat is for comfort, protection and warmth .This basically are the things required in a relationship which can make or mar the relationship.

    Even though the material used was weak and worthless, the maker of the coat reproduced something worthwhile with love. To support this show of motherly love her mother related this to the biblical Joseph’s coat of many colours. Her dream was for the coat to bring her daughter good luck and happiness and she blessed it with a kiss. On her part Little Dolly just couldn’t wait to wear it.

    Even though her friends laughed at her rags, she wore it with great pride.

    “Although we had no money I was rich as I could be in my coat of many colors. So with patches on my britches holes in both my shoes in my coat of many colors I hurried off to school Just to find the others laughing I couldn’t understand it for I felt I was rich and I told them of the love my momma sewed in every stitch but they didn’t understand it and I tried to make them see that one is only poor only if they choose to be”.

    This applies to our emotions too. Most times what we are left with are emotional rags. Things that make us cry each time we look back from here we are coming from and where we finally find ourselves. Instead of having our emotions lined with rich fabrics like lace, silk, cotton, velvet or linen that is sweet to behold, you are overwhelmed with rags that are no longer attractive. The most important thing you need to forge ahead is not the rags or the lace of emotions. The crucial thing that is going to see you through the affectionate lane is your attitude. You have to develop the right attitude all the time, it would be the only tonic required to make it a successful emotional journey.

    There are different steps to take in order to make your relationship wax stronger no matter the odds that comes your way. First you have to be sure that the feeling you are experiencing is love and that this feelings are mutual. Once this is ascertained then you can move on to the next stage which entails showing love to each other.

    This will help to maintain and increase the loving feelings that you have for one another. Unfortunately, it is not everyone who knows how to express such feelings properly. Sometimes, what you think is going to help project your love may just turn out to be a turn off for the person that you are desperately trying to impress.

    Conversely, not expressing love can also hurt the bond you share with your partner in a terrible way. So if you are trying to work out a successful relationship, then you must be committed to your partner’s emotional well-being, even when it isn’t easy. This means sharing affection with your partner, through good times and bad, when it’s most needed and when it’s least expected.

    This task is usually easy when you are the romantic type. Romance is essential to have at least some of the time. Candles, candlelight, compliments, romantic bubble baths, and romantic dinners are good ideas. So it is wise to try to inject a romance into some of the things you do and how you relate with the one you love.

  • ‘The girl-child deserves to be educated’

    ‘The girl-child deserves to be educated’

     

    Amid the dissonance of voices trailing the position of the Senate on the on-going amendment of the constitution that a girl automatically becomes an adult once she is married, the Special Adviser to the Governor of Katsina State on Girl-Child Education and Child Development, Hajia Bilikisu M. Kaikai, tells ADETUTU AUDU that the girl- child deserves to be educated.THE education of the girl-child is apparently a priority to Governor Shema. Why is this so?

     

    His Excellency, Governor Shehu Shema, established the Department of Girl-Child Education and Child Development in 2008 as the first of its kind in Nigeria to improve the lot and the quality of life of girls, especially those from poor background in the rural communities. The establishment of the department underscores the governor’s passion for the education of the girl-child preparatory to her holistic development. It tells the story of a leader in a hurry to develop the human resources of the state without leaving any segment behind. Things can only get better when all the segments of the society have access to education so that the talent God has deposited in each of us can be developed and such can be used for the development of our state and the country.

    The state government also established schools exclusively for girls in each of the 34 local government areas of the state. The department mapped out strategies and domesticated international practices such as Teacher-Trainee Scholarship Scheme (FTTSS) to produce female NCE teachers and Conditional Cash Transfer (CCT), among others, to improve the lot of girls from poor families in rural communities.

    So, how do the two programmes aid the education of the girl-child?

    FTTSS is one of the components of UNICEF/DFID’s Girls’ Education Project (GEP). The scheme is a special intervention providing financial support to the tune of N50, 000 for each female NCE student annually for registration, education materials and general upkeep. Beneficiaries are drawn from poor families in rural communities so that at the end of their training, they are bonded to return to their communities to teach. How this helps is that it increases the number of qualified female teachers in rural schools, provides mentoring services to girls, makes rural schools girl-child friendly, increases enrolment, improves attendance as well as raises completion and transition rates.

    FTTSS implementation in Katsina State started after 150 girls in 2008 secured admission into the state College of Education for their NCE programme .It was agreed that the state government was to support 100 students and the remaining 50 by UNICEF/DFID. The number of beneficiaries increased to 240 in 2009 and, in 2010, it went up to 340 after it was decided that each local government in the state should contribute 10 beneficiaries to the scheme while the state government support 80 percent and UNICEF/DFID support 20 percent.

    Under the CCT scheme, the girl-child gets paid to remain in school. This is an innovation to keep the girl-child in school in a society where parents oftentimes are not disposed to educating the female children. The state government is the main financier of the CCT, with technical and moral support from UNICEF, MDGs, World Bank and other stakeholders. It is designed to increase the level of enrolment of girls in school and their retention until graduation, as well as reduce the poverty level of benefiting families. The programme is run in nine LGAs. 125 primary schools are involved while 9095 beneficiary-girls receive N5, 000 each every three months. Each girl is paid the sum through her mother if she scores 80 percent attendance in school in the three months monitored and evaluated.

    Funding must have been a big challenge. How has the state government been able to sustain it?

    The state government has committed more than N300million from the inception of the programme in 2009 to date to the CCT. The amount represents the expenditure incurred in establishing the implementation unit, purchase of monitoring vehicles, training, cash disbursements to beneficiaries and other logistics.

    The CCT Programme Implementation Unit has disbursed five cash transfers and 12 rounds of mandatory monitoring to be followed by three rounds of monitoring preparatory to the sixth cash transfer in August, 2013.

    And in appreciation of Katsina State government’s commitment to the success and continuity of the programme, the Millennium Development Goals (MDG) headquarters in Abuja contributed N200 million to facilitate successful implementation. UNICEF also engaged a resident consultant from Ayala Consulting Equador, who helped in laying solid foundation for effective and successful implementation of the CCT programme. UNICEF contributes in the areas of training and other consultative services. The need to make mothers own the CCT demands that we provide them with skills and resettlement packages.

    The CCT runs currently only in nine LGAs. What happens in the remaining 25 LGAs?

    His Excellency, Governor Shema’s plan is to scale up the programme to cover all the 34 local government areas of the state, as well as extend the programme to junior secondary schools (to complete basic education circle) in the state. This will hopefully be in active collaboration with the World Bank, MDGs, UNICEF, and other development partners and stakeholders.

    Apart from this, which other areas is the Shema administration making the difference in the life of the child?

    The governor has shown tremendous interest in the orphans and vulnerable children so much so that there are adequate provisions for their upkeep. We have a Children’s Home in Katsina town where these children are taken care of. These children are accommodated in the home, fed and clothing provided for them. They are also given the opportunity of education while efforts are made to locate their families or hand them over to leaders in their areas for proper care.

    The general public is also given the opportunity to serve as foster parents to these children by adopting them. The state government strengthened the national survey on orphans and vulnerable children by going into partnership with local NGOs to conduct a baseline survey which yielded 37,000 of such children as against the 17million captured at the national level, and reflecting the children’s needs to be provided by the three tiers of government and international agencies.

    Now, to reduce the incidence of vulnerable children, we are mounting a sensitisation campaign against child abandonment. And in collaboration with the Federal Ministry of Women Affairs, the state government provided education support to 300 orphans across the state and for which N1, 920, 000 was received from global funds. The state government invested N2, 682, 000 as counterpart fund in this project. The state government also enhances children’s participation in activities at national and continental levels.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK:

    Your step brother came home with his new girl friend, she happened to be an ex girl friend of a friend, you knew her to be very “loose” with men, the reason your friend broke up with her. What would you do?

    Question:

    Dear Princess, I am a 35 year old Chemical Engineer, mother of 3 beautiful daughters who are 6, 4, and 2 years old. I have been married to the love of my life for the last 9 years. We met during my last year at the University, and served together at Enugu. A year after we finished our youth service, we got engaged and got married 6 months later. Princess, prior to all this, during my University years I was a party animal. We partied as if there was no tomorrow, my friends and I then dated the richest of the richest. Almost if not all of these guys were much older than us. Back then we called them “honey daddies” simply because they spoiled us rotten. It was during this time I met my “honey daddy” who is now my father-in-law. I dated him in my 2nd and 3rd year with two other men simultaneously He was the one that bought me a brand new Jeep; the other rented and paid for my flat, while the third was responsible for all of my upkeeps. Going back and forth between the three of them, I was never short of cash to buy the best of the best. I travelled to England at least once every other month, America every 6 months; I lived the good life. I dated my father-in-law to be for good 2 years. I met my husband through a mutual friend; we fell in love almost instantly. I knew then I had to stop the kind of life I was living if I’m going to have any future with this guy. At the time, I had everything a young lady could dream of and I was living large. For what I was feeling for Emeka, I took a calculated risk and decided to let go off my “honey daddies” one after the other without any suspicion from any of them whatsoever, it was my last year in college anyways. Emeka and I dated steadily for 3 months, he decided that it was time for me to meet his dad, his mother was late. His dad has businesses in 5 different states in Nigeria, which includes Lagos and Enugu. When Emeka took me home to meet his dad and one of my previous “honey daddies” came out I literally turned white, he on the other hand was very calm and collected. He greeted me as if we were just meeting for the first time; he drew me closer to him and gave me a hard pressed hug. I was shaking, my hands were wet, I could feel perspiration dropping down between my legs, he whispered in my ears saying calm down! All the thoughts that were rising through my head during the split second of being held by my father-in-law-to-be were too much. When he released me, Emeka, looking at me, concerned, came closer to me and asked if I was alright. I told him I think am coming down with malaria or something. He sat me down, at this time, I was able to recollect myself and my thoughts. My father-in-law was all smiles, the introduction went around. We stayed there for another hour or so before going home. Mind you that I have been using the same number for the last 5 years. Two hours after I got home my phone rang, it was him, my father-in-law to be. I greeted him and asked how I can help him. He said we need to see and talk as soon as possible, I agreed. We made an arrangement to meet at an old restaurant that we used to go to during my college years, the next day. I got to the restaurant about 10 minutes before him so I was able to think, calm myself, and ready to fight for my love and relationship with Emeka. He came in, sat across from me, we greeted one another, he offered to buy me a drink, I refused, eager to get this fear out of the way. He started by telling me how much he loved me, that what he had with me was magical. He said he loved me for my intelligence, obviously, I am a nice shaped lady, not too big in the bust area, not too small either, and I wear a size 8 dress. He continued to tell me that all the time we were dating; he always wished that he had met me someone like me during his youth; he loved my honesty, intelligence, and demeanor. To cut the long story short, he knew I would be a “perfect wife” for someone one day. Now the one day has come, fortunately and unfortunately his son was the lucky man. He said he wouldn’t want anything less for his son. Knowing the type of girl I am, aside from my waywardness during my college years. He is willing to keep our past a secret. He wants me to feel free and not think anything negative or fear that his son will ever find out about us. I thanked him, and we both went our separate ways. My husband and I got engaged, it was because of this I made sure it was a long engagement, just in case the cat got let out of the bag, but thankfully nothing happened. We went ahead with the wedding. My father-in-law spent money like there was no tomorrow, he wouldn’t allow my parents to do anything, I just kept thanking my star and my God, what else can a girl ask for. One year went by happily married, our first daughter Rachael arrived joyously. Our third year we had another daughter named Vivian. Our third daughter, Ngozi came two days after Vivian.s second birthday. Princess, I was also blessed with the way I look, after bearing the three babies; I went from a size 8 to a size 10 barely. One afternoon my husband got a phone call from his father, after talking for about 2 minutes my husband said “Ok, I will send her.” I looked at him trying to figure out what he meant by that. He said sweetheart that was dad, he will like to see you, and he said there is something he will like to discuss with you. Hearing this, my heart stopped a bit, I said ok, really, fine, when does he want to see me? He answered, that his father said that I should come to his office tomorrow at 2 p.m. I agreed. Princess, that night if it was possible to develop high blood pressure overnight, I would have. I counted the hours, minutes, and seconds until 2p.m. when I arrived at his office he welcomed me in enthusiastically as usual. He offered me a seat, and I sat down of course. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, my life turned upside down. My father-in-law, the father to my husband, and my children’s grandfather said that he would like for us to continue where we left off. He said he wants me to listen to him very carefully. His wife, Emeka’s mom, died more than 20 years ago of breast cancer. He promised himself that he will not remarry, that he would dedicate his life to raising his 4 children, Emeka being the eldest. He said he dated several women prior to meeting me and after I broke up with him that up to this moment after Emeka’s mom, I am the only person he loved and still loves, he can’t even think about any other woman ever since I came back into his life. All the time while he was talking, I sat down dumbfounded, my mind went blank. After he said all he had to say, I just kept shaking my head. I told him he is asking for the impossible, morally, ethically, emotionally, I can go on, it is impossible. He tried to convince me that we will be meeting at a secret place where no one knows us, I refused. Princess this has been going on for about 3 months now, he is not relenting, he gives the children a monthly allowance, he insisted that I should come every month to collect the money, I always take one of the kids with me anytime I go to him. He will greet my daughter, play with her a bit, and then tell my daughter to go and wait by the reception area that he has something he wants to discuss with her mommy. The last time I was there, he tried to kiss me, he was able to pin me to the wall, after much resistance, trying not to create a scene because of my daughter, he let go of me. Princess, HELP ME! I love my husband; I do not want my marriage to be destroyed by this man. Should I continue with this or should I bravely tell my husband the truth? Felicity, Enugu

    Answer: Dear Felicity, There is a saying in the Yoruba land that goes, “it farts in your mouth and puts salt at the same time” There is no doubt you cannot and must not revive the affair with your father-in-law. In my opinion, you should have never married your husband, because you should had connected him, through his last name, with his father right from the get go but you intentionally kept him in the dark. You seem to me a selfish, gold-digging manipulator. While what you did with all those old men is condemnable, one should not judge you and condemn you to a lifetime of infamy. I personally believe your father-in-law also knew what he was getting you into from day one. Everything he did was well planned and calculated. He was thinking about himself and himself alone from day one. You on the other hand allowed yourself to get caught in a trap. Felicity, I cannot stress this enough in the advice I give to always open a very effective line of communication, love, and understanding relationship with your husband, these being the foundation for a successful marriage. Trust in any relationship is very essential. Yes, in some situations in a relationship you might decide not to voluntarily give information of a previous lifestyle if you feel he/she is no relative to the person you are involved with. If you have not told your husband who you have dated previously there is no moral or ethical value that compels you to divulge that information to your partner, if it comes up it can easily be explained, but a blood relative, worst yet a father-in-law, my goodness. I don’t know how your husband will feel once he finds out. The saddest thing is that your affair with his father was not just a fling; you were in a relationship for solid two years. Some relationships that produce babies do not even last that long, all being said, your husband might be an exception to most men, in the sense that he might forgive you once you come out and explain to him that it was because of the love you have for him, that was the reason for you not coming clean from day one. I can assure you this might cause a break in the father and son relationship that no one will be able to mend in the sense that you and your father-in-law are probably the most trusted people your husband has in his life. To even think that his father is now coming back to revive his affair with his wife! Pray, ask for guidance from above, be ready for the consequence that will come out of this. Yes, you have to tell your husband, it is the only way for you to have peace of mind. I hope and hope the impact will not be too damaging to your marriage. I wish you all the best and good luck.

    THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:

    Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you. It takes someone real special to stay!

     

    Send your comments to:

    askprincess10@gmail.com

    SMS to: 08155558770

  • An affectionate comeback

    KUNLE and Morenike dated for six months, and for everyone around them it looked like a union make in heaven. Just when the lovebirds thought they had found it all, an emotional crack surfaced. Kunle’s ex surfaced and it looked like she was back for real. For three months, Morenike’s heart was on the slaughter slab and it was the most painful part of her life. Just when she thought of searching for another romantic dude, Kunle ran back crying to be forgiven. Reason: “I don’t know what that girl did to me. I realised that it was not for real; please forgive me, I promise to be good to you.”

    That was quite tempting but she was still bitter with the way he dumped her. He didn’t give up, as he pleaded for an affectionate comeback. The strategy was to wax poetic and it worked. “You are the only blood running in my vein.” Sounds really nice, but most times these words do not go beyond the surface. A lot of guys really know how to wax poetic and take you down the Cinderella emotional opera only to end with the beauty-and-the beast saga midway through the love jamboree.

    So what really is the problem? You wonder. Well, like so many emotional algebras, there are so many formulas to work with. No two stories are ever the same and no two stories come with the same solution. However, what’s common is that our ladies do not know how to read guys’ lips, cannot monitor the heart to know whether the journey is going to end in deception, frustration and crashing with a humpty dumpty who never really cared where the love boat was heading to in the first place.

    One other mistake that many ladies make is by following the man’s pocket and not his heart. They usually make a lot of mistake by thinking that generosity and love are one and the same thing.

    The crux of the matter is that love can be boring when there is nothing new to explore. You either forge ahead with a creative head or discover that the one you have a crush on has become a rebel in the emotional quarters. Can you really blame the other person even when you have taken them to the emotional river and they just refuse to drink from the emotional stream? Well, it’s only natural for your feelings about your partner to change over the course of the relationship. After a couple of years, infatuation takes a back seat to faithfulness and trust.

    This doesn’t mean that you’re not in love anymore; it just means that your love has matured and you must understand how to deal with this phase of your relationship. Here you need to establish trust on all levels. Mutual trust is founded in respect and loyalty toward each other. Strive to understand and respect your differences. Share and clarify your differing perspectives, and try to empathise with each other’s point of view.

    To strike an emotional balance, you need to be emotionally available for your partner. Having the right attitude matters and this is what would take the two of you to the emotional Promised Land. You need to be emotionally balanced because we all go through a lot of turmoil and difficulty in our daily lives.

    One big mistake that we also make is to compare our relationship with others. This would never solve any problem but actually make things worse. It is therefore pertinent for every couple to make their own love rules, love agreements, love habits, love routines which would guide them through the right path.

    The most important thing is to focus on the things that bind you together; the things that would make the relationship wax stronger as well as how to forge romantically ahead on a daily basis. In some cases, it is better to simply agree to have differences of opinion, or your own ways of doing things.

    Pressuring your partner to do something that they really don’t want to do, or neglecting or abusing them (whether emotionally, verbally, physically, or sexually) hurts your ability to trust and rely on one another. Be able to trust each other in everything, keeping private your partner’s innermost secrets, fears, and struggles. Help your partner overcome them.

    Your wants and needs are just as important as your partner’s. If you give nothing of yourself, then you’ll get nothing in return. Your decision is good for both you and the relationship. A decision that’s good for you but bad for the relationship obviously doesn’t make things easy.

    Sometimes, we make some decisions that are good in the short term but bad in the long run. You might want instant gratification for the relationship, but if it’s unlikely to help the relation in the long run, consider other possibilities.

    But there are times when you have tried your best but still won’t get what you desire. This, however, should not bring out the worst in you. You must remain calm and appreciate others to get the same level of respect desired. If your partner resists your attempts to comfort him or her and doesn’t want to talk about it, ease off the subject and wait until he or she seems to be in a better mood before returning to it.

  • ‘How women can rise to the top’

    ‘How women can rise to the top’

    Barbara Kanu is the Managing Director/CEO of Paper Style Nigeria Limited. She bagged a degree in Chemical Engineering from the University of Benin and Diploma in Events Management with Public Relations from Fitz Williams Institute, London, UK. Kanu spoke with Sunday Oguntola on her rise to the top and sundry issues. Excerpts:

     

    WHAT was growing up like for you?

    Growing up for me was a perfect blend of work (study) and play. My parents being academics were very serious about us excelling in our academics but always managed to ensure that we had a balance in life even though our study was first priority.

    My parents are from Delta State. I am the third child of four children. We grew up in Benin City and we were a very close-knit family. My dad is a goal-oriented person. He is a focused and disciplined man because he always knew how to go after what he wanted and it was almost impossible for him to be discouraged or talked out of his decisions.

    My mum, on the other hand, in addition to being very intelligent, had a photographic memory. Watching a process once is enough for her to remember it. These traits (close family, hard work, dedication and commitment, never giving up) I got from my parents and they have helped me throughout my adult life and hopefully I will pass on to my kids.

    What childhood dream did you nurse?

    As a child, I always wanted to be famous. So, I always looked up to women who were successful in life and as such had gained some form of fame or celebrity status as a result of their success.

    What outstanding experience has impacted your life positively?

    During my internship, while in my third year in school, I worked in the business development unit of a technology company. I learnt a lot and in turn gave back a lot of what I learnt.

    Being a quick learner who produces outstanding results, I was retained after my three months with them in a rare arrangement that allowed me work for the company while still at school.

    I worked with the company after lectures during school and full-time in holidays. I excelled in my job and in no time was able to run my own project, which I did a remarkable job of. The project honed my leadership skills and also my customer relationship skills.

    If I was not given this opportunity early in my university studies to prove myself and make a living for myself, I probably would have been sitting and waiting for my ideal job from a Shell or a Mobil.

    How much of leadership positions have you held?

    I would say my most outstanding achievements were my leadership role in running the Nigerian Students Online Portal. This was a project initiated by the management of the technology company where I worked. They wanted to create an online space where students could get relevant information about the different tertiary institutions in Nigeria.

    Students could meet with other students in other schools within Nigeria, exchange views and become friends (kind of an electronic pal). They entrusted the project to me to give it a fresh and creative feel.

    I had software developers and researchers working with me to build this portal. I was just out of school and ran this project till completion. It was a great opportunity to showcase my leadership skills leading a team to the set objectives and deliverables.

    Due to my other work-based achievements, commitment and involvement in ensuring projects were concluded as smoothly as possible, the ICS (Institute of Customer Service, UK) recently awarded me a communications award to coach others to deliver excellent customer service.

    So, how did you navigate your way to the top after graduation?

    After my graduation, I went back to work. I had already started working from my internship days in school so I was ready to get back to my post and take up more responsibilities.

    I worked as a business analyst for one year and then as the Administration/HR officer for one year (service year) in the same company before I went to the British Council to further my career.

    I was with the council for two more years and then started itching for more experience or a path that would lead me towards my goal. I got to meet a fascinating woman, Mrs. Bukky George of Health Plus Limited, and worked with her closely for another six months. My experience with her prepared me for my entrepreneurial adventure.

    Would you say your dreams as a little girl have been fulfilled?

    My dreams were very tall, I must say. I wanted to be known and at the same time, I wanted a family. I wanted to strike the perfect work-life balance when I got really successful. Now I know this is a very tall dream as this may not be achieved in my life time (laughs).

    Tell us about your company, the name and why did you choose that name. What exactly are you into, and why you choose that area of business?

    Paper Style is Nigeria’s next generation company offering unique and unequalled, design-led stationery, cards and gift-wrap, which have been hand-picked from stationers in Europe and America.

    It is a company formed from my passion for stationery. Paper Style is the top destination for discerning individuals and organisations looking for new and unique gifts, cards and stationery. We stock a variety of pens, pencils, journals, notebooks, notepads, block pads, sticky notes, diaries, pen pots, weekly planners, address books and pads.

    You can also find a wide variety of stationery gifts (fountain pens, notebook and pen sets, desk organiser gift sets, and lots more), gifts for her (pen necklaces, bedazzled phone pouches, unboxed photo albums and shopping journals), gifts for him (leather journals, personal organisers, croc business card holders, pocket screwdriver sets, etc).

    Apart from the fact that we love unique stationery, we have another love, which is the love for quality office supplies. We sell and supply essentials for offices from high quality paper and envelopes to disposables and cleaning supplies.

    Because we love the things we sell, we want you to love what you buy. Our range of popular products includes lever arch files, document wallets, storage boxes, presentation ring binders and envelopes. We provide a simple and cost effective way to order your office supplies.

    Everyone has a style, what is yours?

    I have always worked with stationery in my work experience, plus I always had a love for unique stationery. I was the go-to person for any stationery item back in school. I always had a spare pen, pencil, etc.

    How rewarding has it been?

    There is a lot of potential for Paper Style in Nigeria and the rest of Africa as a matter of fact. We do not want to stop at just retailing unique stationery. We want to produce our own stationery and also offer custom design solutions to our customers.

    We hope to penetrate all corners of Nigeria by our 10th anniversary, thus creating jobs for hundreds of Nigerian youth, training them and possibly instilling in them the values I got from my parents.

    Do you find time to network and mentor others?

    I am usually very busy trying to juggle running the home and my business effectively. But I always have some time to coach my employees. As a rule in Paper Style, you must learn something every day. It could be related to the job, a new word, a process or some piece of history. I believe mentoring is very important, especially for the youth.

    What makes you thick and stand out?

    I am a young, determined and energetic lady. When I set my eyes on a target, I do not let go until I have reached the Promised Land. I am fun-loving, like to laugh, like to make sure people are at ease around me. I like to move with easy people, allergic to uptight, mostly unhappy people.

    What is the first Lagos gift and stationery fair all about?

    It will be a day of marketing, networking, knowledge-building, forming strategic alliances and business relationships. It holds on September 27 at Eko Hotel and Suites, Victoria Island.

    This event, which will be laced with business activities and ceremonial splendour, brings together under one umbrella over 40 top grossing industry businesses and more than 2000 enthusiastic business-minded men and women.

    They have a singular purpose for coming together: They are dealers, consumers and producers of exciting corporate gifts, quality stationery, unique office furniture, office equipment and print industry.

    Major highlight of the day will be the industry talk sessions (seminar), which will run concurrently with the exhibition. There promises to be interesting and engaging topics delivered by seasoned professionals within and outside the industry.