The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • PILLOWTALK

    WHAT type of heart are you searching for? A heart made of stone or a kind and loving heart? How do you discern the first from the latter? Interestingly, love looks like one of the cheapest commodities in town.  It comes in different garbs. No two experiences are ever the same. Like music, every heart swings to love and the most important thing is to be able to discern genuine love when you see one.

    While some hearts travel from one village, city and continents to find true love, others simply find hearts that are magnetic and romantic in the neighbourhood.

    Are you still in doubt? Well, if you take a good look around, you are likely to find all kinds of heart telling their romantic stories via Love avenue. You can actually find love anywhere and everywhere. Interestingly, in places that you least expect to find one. The love race can be interesting, easy, exciting or tortuous.

    Does it have anything to do with those involved? Not really! Truth is that it makes our world go round and round. Feeling tipsy? Yes, that is what it does. When you get to these dizzying heights two things happen to you; the first is that your sweet heart, the one who has put you in this state comes to your rescue and you are taken to another realm in the love process. Conversely, when the heart you are getting tipsy for is a pretender to your emotional throne, then you have a grand slam, the type you see in wrestling. Knock out!

    A dear friend is in this state and she had a close shave recently. She almost lost her life but somehow the driver (heart) was able to manoeuvre the car. That saved her from having a broken arm, limbs and perhaps a battered face.

    Confused! So confused!  Over what? you wonder. A heart?  Is it really worth the stress? Yes, sometimes it is.  The crux of the matter sometimes is that this is part of the process. Hearts have been broken, hearts would continue to break and hearts would certainly be afraid of being broken from time to time.

    The best thing to do when you are stranded on the emotional tarmac is to take a break and wait for a better plane if you do not want to crash land.

    So how did our dear friend get to this state? you wonder. Her first emotional disaster was in the university; the Romeo that she banked her emotions on was only fooling around with her. By the time she came to this realisation, things had fallen apart. The experience was not very good and she made up her mind to step aside from the emotional terrain for a while.

    It worked! The poor heart regained her emotional sanity and was able to offer emotional advice to friends who got bashed along the line. However, her friends and family would not allow her to be. They kept talking about her single state and it was at this point that Banji strolled into her life.

    To be or not to be? The temptation was just too much and before she knew it, she fell helplessly in love with another emotional criminal. Just when she thought she had found what she wanted, the table turned.

    “I kept on receiving all kinds of threats from other ladies warning me to leave their man alone. Somehow, he had captured my heart and I just didn’t want to let go. I trusted him so much in spite of all the negative information I was getting about him.”

    If she trusted him so much, he didn’t. “About two weeks ago, I fell ill and was hospitalised. As soon as I heard that I was going to be on admission, I sent him a message. Banji came five days after and when he came to see me, my neighbour, Patrick, also came visiting. As soon as he saw Patrick, he told me it was over. I tried to tell him that there was nothing between Patrick and I, but he just walked out.”

    End of the road! The gambler had been looking for ways to end the relationship all this while but she refused to read in between the lines. What is the point hanging on to someone that does not trust you? What is the point hanging on to a heart that is preoccupied with emotional distractions? Truth is that you aren’t going to go far together and the more you try to make it work, the more pitfalls and disasters.

    Finding love again can be easy for some but not everybody gets it right. For the latter, love is fraught with pitfalls and mishaps.

    Luckily, it ended well because Patrick was genuinely in love with her. All the love that she was travelling many distance to find was in her neighbourhood. Now, she has to make up mind about the dude, the one who genuinely loves her. But somehow she is still wondering if she should give love a try again. Could this be the heart that she has been searching for all this while? Is this the heart that would bring back her emotional sanity?

  • PILLOWTALK

    THE boy ran up and down in excitement. The object that brought out the best in him was a bright blue balloon and it was fully blown. He ran, jumped and laughed in an infectious manner. All his actions and movements were centred on the balloon and the pair moved around like shadows in a unique way.

    He gradually became the cynosure of all eyes and everyone admired the innocence, the joy around him and the fact that life can be as sweet as this if taken from the child’s perspective. All of a sudden, the balloon exploded. The noise, like his action, attracted all and you could feel his pain, the shock and the tears. He cried and cried but nothing or no one could console him. His balloon was gone, never to return to him again.

    Tara watched the mild drama from a distance and as she tried to step into the little boys shoes empathising with him, something struck her. He had lost something that is very precious to him. The shock would take time to heal. The only therapy will be to get a new balloon, a better version of what he lost a few minutes ago.

    Interestingly, it reminded her about her emotional balloon. “I fell for the wrong guy. He took me from an empty emotional point, flattened by another Cassaova and then blew up my emotions to heights that I never imagined. I found myself enjoying every moment and everyone was very happy for me. My friends were envious of the relationship and at a point, I told myself that I do not want to ever lose this heart for anything.”

    The courtship was really great. They travelled to many memorable places together and they had even done a list of the things needed for their engagement ceremony when the bubble burst. “On that fateful day, I forgot my purse in Seyi’s office. I went back after about two hours to get it when I ran into what finally put an end to the relationship. I met a lady in his arms and they were really engrossed that they didn’t even notice that I was there. When they finally saw me, they just ignored me as if I was not important at all. I got so angry and challenged the lady. She was not moved at all. Then I asked her to get out of the office and to my utmost shock she hit me and I hit her back. Instead of supporting me, Seyi pounced on me and beat me to a state of coma.”

    That was not all. “He opened an emotional can of worms and told me he just wanted to help me because age was not on my side. That I wasn’t his dream girl and now that I have found out the truth it was before to forget the things we shared together and move on. I was shocked to the bones. I left the place devastated and till date I have not shared the news with anyone. I don’t even know what to do. I have been hiding the truth from my friends and twin sister. Everything is really wrong with me; I have lost my bearing and my heart like that balloon has exploded, broken beyond recognition.”

    That is one of the phases in relationship. Disappointment is indeed part of the game and it is important to understand how to forge ahead. The crux of the matter here is that a breakup is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. It fills us with so many horrible emotions; from grief to sadness, anger to emptiness. By learning how to survive a heart break, you can mend the pieces of your broken heart faster and get back to living a life full of joy and fulfilment.

    Crying and letting your feelings out is definitely the first step in how to survive a heart break. If you have to cry, please do this and get the emotions straightened out. Interestingly, a lot of people think crying is a sign of weakness, and even when trying to get over a broken heart, they still bottle up their emotions.

    In addition, you also need to accept the reality of the situation and accept heartbreak. You must remember that this point that it takes two to be in a relationship, and it also takes two to end it.

    There is no point bottling up your emotions and avoiding talking about your feelings. You will definitely feel better when you discuss the breakup with your friend, sibling or a neighbour that you trust. Going out, attending social events with people you care about, will also make you better and completely take your mind off that awful experience.

  • PILLOWTALK

    MOVING around the love corridor can be really exciting for many. Here there are no boundaries, no restrictions and you just allow yourself to be mesmerized by the intoxicating atmosphere. Here you just want to love, love and love till you get to the zenith .Once you get to love’s greatest height, there certainly is no going back, you are hooked.

    But the big question here is who is has gotten your heart hooked? Is it someone who truly loves and appreciate you? Could this be someone who would stand by you in good and bad times?

    Or are you hooked with an emotional traitor, a chameleon just trying to exploit you, use and then dump you?

    The latter unfortunately is what just happened to poor Mandy. Her heart is in turmoil and she just cannot seem to understand what is happening to her relationship. “I met Olaitan at a business meeting about seven and half months ago. He came to represent his company while I also came to represent my boss. Someone, I arrived a little late because of traffic and I met him standing outside the door, making a call. I asked for the venue and he directed me into the place and that was how it all began”.

    Mandy continued: “Immediately after that meeting he walked up to I and we talked as if we had known one another for years. He was quite friendly and I liked everything about him. He also seemed to be hooked and we practically did so much together, was always in each other’s company and we always talked on phone for hours”.

    One other interesting aspect of the relationship was that they never quarreled. “Olaitan is such a peaceful guy and he would always do things that would make me happy or comfortable. Even days, when I forget to attend to some personal things that concern him; he would just dismiss it with a smile and say its okay. He gave me total love, peace of mind and stability in everything around me. Friends and colleagues noticed that I was blossoming, especially when I just came out of a very bad relationship and I was hurting deeply”.

    While she was basking in the euphoria created by Olaitan, something cropped up. “I went to see him at home one day and I ran into his mum who came into town the previous day. Olaitan quickly introduced me to her as his fiancée and I saw a deep from on mama’s face”.

    Just while Mandy was trying to decipher what might be going on in her mind, the old woman exploded. ‘Didn’t my son tell you that he has another lady that he has been in a relationship with for five years? What did you use on him; I cannot seat down and watch you destroy what they have built together for so long. You better move on and find your own husband. I can assure that you would never get my blessings in this relationship”.

    For the first time, I saw Olaitan getting angry and he told him mother that it was over between him and the other lady. “I am the one who is going to marry the wife. I have to make the choice and I know what is good for me. Mandy is my choice”, he said.

    Mandy continued: “The battle line was drawn and from that point mama did everything to stop us. Luckily, we were united in love and we survived all the odds. At a point, Olaitan mother realized that she just could not come in between us and she finally accepted yours truly.

    Wedding cards have been sent out and the D-day is already around the corner. As she sat on the chair compiling the guests list, her mind riveted on all that has happened and she thanked her stars for having a great heart by her side. She also had no doubt that he was going to live up to expectations and she would try her best not to disappoint him too.

    Trust , interestingly is one thing that would help to keep any relationship going strong.

    Always keep in the back of your mind a personal evaluation of the level of trust in the relationship. How much do you trust the other person to act in ways that both match your mental model of that person? How much do you trust that person to have your back?

    If you want an intentional relationship, do things to build up trust and gather information about the other person’s trustworthiness.

    Experts also advise that it is better  to set boundaries and permit privacy to make the relationship wax stronger. Interestingly, technological developments has now made it easy to track each other and to be in constant communication. However, permitting each other to have a private space and avoiding pushing the other person to do things they would prefer not to do helps a lot in creating sustaining happiness in relationships.

  • PILLOWTALK

    The works hard for his money; so hard for his money. Bayo is not the typical guy that you see around. He is one of those guys that you can call dedicated and not be in doubt at all. At work, he is known for the value that he adds to everything that comes his way.

    Friends and family members know that once you give him a task, you can actually go to bed with your two eyes closed because he would certainly deliver beyond your expectations. When he isn’t at work, you can be sure to find him on his little farm located behind the house. Here he tends to a variety of plants and you can see the same level of dedication at work here and the outputs usually call for celebration, each time it’s harvest time.

    However, he has noticed that some invasion recently. Some birds and animals have become spoilers here and it is getting so irritating that he decided to set a trap for them. This morning, Bayo is back on the farm (his heart) and it looks like the thief has been caught. He gets closer and to Bayo’s dismay, it is his poor chicken (his babe) that walked into the trap. He rushes over to set it free but something has gone wrong, it is limping and may never walk properly again.

    That scenario actually captures what two lovebirds are passing through at the moment. The guy at the centre of the love drama is Bayo and he has played his part very well, working round the clock to make things work well.

    Unfortunately for him, some desperate folks are doing everything possible to take away the love of his life from him. The more he tries to be in charge, the more desperate they have become. Determined to wrestle this emotional ‘loot’, he maps out a number of strategies which ultimately affect the heart in question. Now that there are visible scars in the relationship, he has two options: “To let go or go back to the drawing board for the way forward.”

    He certainly does not want to lose this girl and suddenly, he decided to go to her and find out if she feels exactly the same way he is feeling about the relationship. It was a good decision and there he found that she had also been worried about the turn of events. It was a great encounter and they became united in the quest to forge ahead against all the odds. That determination was all they needed and from that point, love conquered all.

    Interestingly, when it comes to healthy relationships, there is no one-size-fits-all advice. You may need to try, try and try again before you finally discover how to get on the right path and make your relationship work. A number of lovebirds run away from a very good relationship and end up with a partner they can never get along with.

    At that point, it is already too late and they become stranded on the emotional corridor, hanging on to hearts that can never make their dreams come true.

    The crux of the matter here is that not every relationship survives the test of time and there will always be moments when you would feel the need to finally give up and let go. However, it’s not also that easy to just drop everything and leave because you’re talking about something or someone that once made you the happiest person in the world – so you are stuck in the frustrating and often heartbreaking dilemma between staying and saying good bye.

    A good relationship is more than something we want – it’s something we need to be our happiest, healthiest, most productive selves. But at home or work, supportive, fulfilling relationships don’t come automatically. They take an investment in time and energy as well as social skills that can be learned.

    If you are lonely, long for close friendships or a better understanding of co-workers. However, if romantic relationships have disappointed you, there are steps you can take to repair old connections and build meaningful new ones.

    You know you can manipulate someone into being your friend or partner without ever feeling genuinely connected with them. Experts will tell you that a relationship is a consequence of a connection.

    You cannot afford to give up yet because as long as you both believe in your love for each other, there will always be a rainbow after every storm. Maybe you just need a break from everything? Take all the time that you need – both of you.

    Trying to fix an almost broken relationship can be emotionally taxing, and so you must take it easy. You also need to talk about what you are passing through in the relationship and be open and honest with each other. You must communicate and be honest and truthful about how you really feel.

    On your part, you must also be ready to admit your mistakes and have faith in the fact that it’s not yet too late to fix the problem. So, take it easy. In addition, you also need to talk about what you are passing through in the relationship and be open and honest with each other. You must communicate and be honest and truthful about how you really feel. Tell them about the time when they hurt you but you’re too scared to show it. On your part, you must also be ready to admit your mistakes and have faith in the fact that it’s not yet too late to fix the problem.

  • 5 ways to know she’s ready for you to propose

    Even though the old saying goes “when you know, you know,” there are certain signs that it’s time to pop the question that you should look for. Here are ways to ensure she wants you to propose.

    1. She talks about your future together: This is one of the biggest signs your girlfriend wants to take your relationship to the “next step” and get engaged. If she constantly talks about your life together, possibly including buying a house, having children, moving somewhere, etc., she can definitely see a future with you and her being so open about this probably means that she wants you to propose.

    2. She brings you to every family gathering: If you two get married, you will officially become a part of each other’s family. If your girlfriend has been thinking about getting married, she’s probably made efforts to invite you to her family get-togethers. She wants her family to get to know you and vice-versa because she knows that if you get married, you’ll be part of this family! If your girlfriend is obviously pushing to include you in her family, this could be a sign that she wants you to officially join the family, meaning she wants you to propose.

    Read More: Why Nigerian men delay marriage proposals

    3. She starts the ‘baby’ talk, even if on a lighter note: This is one topic that even some married couples struggle to address. If your girlfriend randomly drops hints about how she likes babies or shares about her ideas of motherhood, it means she is comfortable talking about children with you. Remember, motherhood is not an easy topic to talk about with anyone unless a woman is comfortable with the person.

    4. She drops hints about how her friends are getting married: Does your girl keeps reminding you about her married friends and frequently expresses how happy she is for them? This might be a good sign that she looks at marriage with a positive attitude and takes inspiration from her married friends. It’s time to fetch the ring if she is surrounded by married couples and she loves spending time with them.

    5. She tells you: If she’s ready to get engaged, not all signs your girlfriend gives you will necessarily be “indirect.” In fact, she might just be straight-forward and tell you that she really wants to get engaged to you. This “sign” is difficult to misinterpret – there’s really no denying that she wants you to propose.

  • PILLOW TALK

    What happens when you step on emotional toes? Well, that, unfortunately, is Moyo’s predicament at the moment. Slim, tall, with a flawless skin and curves in the right places, she has succeeded in stealing hearts from dusty emotional shelves.

    Why not! An eye (heart) for an eye (heart). Scroll down memory lane and you also find that our dear friend was a victim; valuable hearts had vanished courtesy of some emotional shoplifters.

    Recently, she ran out of luck and was declared ‘wanted’. She took to her heels and tried to find solace in the emotional jungle. The rugged owner of a missing heart did not give up; she staked everything to have her pound of flesh from the hawk – the one that had caused her so much pain. Strategically, she combed the nooks and crannies carefully and finally found the queen of heart, looking remorseful.

    This was not the best time for sermons, and so she was beaten to a state of coma, with memorable scars. Jungle justice! It is the norm and so it is best to tread with caution.

    If you do not want to be an emotional prey, then you must be in charge of the terrain. Don’t also bite more than you can chew. Always make sure that Cupid’s arrow is on target, there is no harm trying again and again. Arrows? Yes, they are symbols that we see all the time. From the street signs, road markings and markings on the doors indicating direction to a choice location. This also reminds you of Jeffrey Archer’s book, A Quiver full of Arrows. Fortunes are made and squandered, honour betrayed and redeemed and love lost and rediscovered. In this collection of short stories, you find the passion that drive men and women to love and to hate.

    A good hunter must have a quiver filled with sharp emotional arrows (strategies). Love birds need different arrows for the different phase(s) in their relationships. Arrows also have their different functions and you must understand the terrain. When you use a wrong arrow for the wrong target, it is not likely to work.

    What are you ‘chasing’ would determine the type of arrows required to achieve your emotional aims and objectives. In the emotional jungle, you run into all kinds of hearts. Hearts that are as gentle as dove, hearts that are alluring as well as romantic. On the other side of the emotional divides are lions, crocodiles, hyenas and antelopes.

    Sadly, the emotional wilderness can be a death trap if you are not careful. You are likely to run into trouble when you least expect it to happen. On the prowl are hearts that are as cunning as a fox or hearts that are as wild as the tiger.

    If you are unlucky to fall hopelessly and helplessly with hearts in this category, then you must have your quiver filled with deadly emotional arrows. The arrows you choose would ultimately determine who becomes the prey in the emotional jungle.

    Without the required arrow in your custody, you are likely to be lily-livered and abandon the heart that you have been longing for, lusting after and wishing you had for keeps. Winners are usually wild with emotions and aware of all the tricks (arrows) in the quiver during the emotional hunting expedition.

    Learn the ropes, improvise, as well as update yourself with skills that would give you the sobriquet as hunter of hearts like lions and not just hunting for emotional ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches or rats. The crux of the matter is the hearts in this category are not worth dying for.

    Surprisingly, in the emotional terrain, women are better hunters. They have mastered the skills ultimately used it to capture and get what they want. In the woman’s emotional quiver are tears, smiles, patience, endurance, nagging, as well as intrigues.

    Having the right arrows without making use of them is as good as not having them at all. In addition, a good heart hunter must know how to put the emotional arrow on the bow and draw it back to meet its target. The further you draw the bow (love), the more distance it goes or covers.

    You therefore cover more distance by showing love consistently, sharing your affection and substance dutifully. It is very important to talk nicely to the person you think you love, claim you love or that just makes your heart skip a bit all the time.

    Interestingly, the best emotional arrows aim at trust. It is the arrow that controls all the other arrows in your quiver. You can be sure that once this affectionate arrow is missing in your quiver, then you would miss the target. Love without trust isn’t love. Like a doubting Thomas, you are going to see a dove in the emotional woods and imagine that what you are looking at is a tiger.

    When you see a rabbit whispering sweet nothings into your ears, instead of turning around to caress this cupid-send angel, all you see is a heart luring you to the rabbit hole, to be strangled, cleaned up and adorned with condiments before ending in the pepper soup pot as ‘bush meat’.

  • PILLOWTALK

    HAVE you been to Love’s molehill? Making a mountain out of Love’s molehill reminds you of the idiom that refers to making too much of a minor issue. It could also refer to exaggerating the importance of something. So in relationships, you discover that a number of people fall apart because of things that they should have overlooked, things that should have been inconsequential to love matter.

    Instead of showering the one they claim to love with affection, what we do is to look out for their mistakes, what they left undone as well as what we think they are likely to do. Unfortunately, that is why we always run into problems. Instead of holding on to the power of positive thinking, Love’s molehill is usually clustered and cluttered with negatives. The molehill, interestingly, is a conial mound of loose soil raised by small burrowing mammals, including moles.

    The love animal thinks like these burrowing mammals, we keep on unearthing things that break the heart. You keep on fishing in troubled emotional waters and result is the heartbreaks we have these days.

    It’s actually a long, tiring journey and you need perseverance to survive the odds. You also need a trusty road map and guidebook to benefit from the experience of those who have been through the bumpy road, climbing emotional hills with stress, getting lost in valley of lust while a few make it to the mountaintop.

    Solomon is looking for a babe, someone he can be happy with 24/7. Happily he tells his friends the type of gal he is looking for and they laughed at him. Dreamer? “You are just too ambitious, you need to look around and if you find someone who fits into your target. If the babe meets up at least 50 or 60 per cent, then you are okay. But if you insist on having all the details a 100 per cent then it may just be a wild goose chase.”

    A gap tooth and every smiling chic. This can really be a great source of inspiration in any relationship. A frowning babe is not a great companion. She’s going to drag you to the bottomless pit and make the whole idea very uninteresting. A bad bargain anyday.

    What is he going to do with a babe whose eyeballs are flat? “No way. It’s more exciting when you are in a relationship with someone that excites you. The eyeball is the first contact; you must be able to connect positively at this point. If the one you want to spend the rest of your life with possessed eyeballs that are not attractive, then it’s not likely to work.”

    That is not all. This dude also wants his babe to be intelligent or close to a genius at work.

    Insatiable? Not really. A guy with class should go after what his heart’s desires. His dream is unique, not for ordinary souls. This dream gal must be a pot pourri of some sort. An angel in the midst of other angels, something worth having forever. A diamond must be forever.

    Well, we can’t really blame him. So, are we saying that it may not be possible to have just one babe with all these assets? No, we just can’t make that lazy assumption. Let him try, try and try again. He may just be lucky to find this missing rib somewhere and somehow.

    Like a molehill, Love can be very difficult to define.

    Most times, you may just have to make something

    out of nothing. You need to make the best of whatever situation you find yourself and make things work, if you can. Things are different from what we used to have in the past, obviously signs of the love times.

    Two young lovebirds decided to go in search of a good Love nest. Somewhere, they can live happily thereafter. Of course, they were not sure where true Love was, they went to a love doctor for diagnosis. The doctor did the necessary tests to be sure that they were compatible. Once there was a confirmation that they both had enough of cupid’s arrows in their veins to take them through this strenuous Love journey, it was time to be practical.

    Here he took them though a shimmering path that got higher and deeper with every step. It was fun and the two lovebirds laughed, sang, danced and shed tears of joy. The sun was shining brilliantly and fragrant wildflowers were blossoming abundantly all around them as the skipped merrily around the path of Love.

    Just when you thought they had found Love, the unexpected happened; the euphoria was interrupted by a voice from the past.

    “Susan how can you do this to me? How can you bite the Love fingers that fed you? Why did you break a loving heart?” Yes, that was the voice of an old flame. It was a sad voice and it was also warning the new Romeo. The message here was that he had been a victim and the new guy was going to fall prey soon.

    Our queen is a fair weather lover, the type who shows affection only when there are goodies in the emotional bag; once the bag becomes deflated then she is going to take to her heels. Utopia? Well, you would find out as you sink deeper and deeper into this Love quagmire.

  • PILLOWTALK

    Rape, rape and more stories about rape. Yes, the sad story is that it has been with us for so long. Memories of a heart in tears, memories of a heart in disarray! Not the usual emotional tales of kisses, hugs and poetic vibes.

    Perhaps, what comes to mind here is the poem, The Rape of the Lock, written by Alexander Pope, a social satire. Interestingly, it beams a searchlight into human weaknesses, follies, foibles, and absurdities, specifically on the life of the aristocratic ladies of the eighteenth century.

    Fast forward the emotional tape to the 21st century and you would see that things have indeed changed in so many ways. While some people strive towards perfection in the emotional terrain, others are crude in their emotional attitude; they just want to grab and grab everything, those freely given and those that must be forcefully taken away.

    Unfortunately, the church has been on the emotional cross in the past few weeks. First, it was Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo of The COZA church and beautiful Busola Dakolo. It happened a long, long time ago, according to the story. Unfortunately, the pain never heals, it doesn’t matter how long it happened. The man at the centre of the emotional storm has denied and it is left for those gifted with unraveling ‘the emotional truth to decode whether it happened or not.

    Just while the emotional corridor was grappling with this tearful emotional story and the effect on the people around them and rape saga breaks. This time around, it is another member of the church claiming that Pastor T.B Joshua raped her. She claimed to have been raped over and over in The Synagogue.

    Another emotional scoop, and tongues began to wag in different directions again. A statement saying the woman is not mentally stable comes in to douse the tension.

    Love is a process and it requires affection and a caring heart. Unfortunately, things are falling apart and the emotional centre no longer holds.

    Intimacy, affection and all the usual emotional ‘ceremonies are missing in action. That takes us to the emotional tide, arguments and counter arguments about rape.” Who done it? Where, how and why? Interestingly, it is usually very difficult to get down to unravel the rape mystery; someone, somewhere is hiding some information and you may or never get to the root of the rape matter. Blackmail also is an accomplished something and the more you look, the less you see.

    Africa has the highest prevalence rate of child sexual abuse around 34.4 per cent. Between 2012 and 2013, about 30 per cent of women in Nigeria experienced one form of domestic violence or another

    Findings from a national survey carried out in 2014 on violence against children in Nigeria confirmed one in four females reported experiencing sexual violence in childhood, with approximately 70% reporting more than one incident of sexual violence. In the same study, it was found that 24.8% of females’ ages 18 to 24 years experienced sexual abuse prior to age 18 of which 5.0% sought help, with only 3.5% receiving any services.

    There  are so many cases that comes to mind here. One of such is Imade who was raped at seven years old by her teacher after school.

    “He [told] me I was a smart and beautiful girl and gave me little sums of money,” says Imade, now 24. One day, he raped her.

    Imade told her mother, who complained to the school. “They fired him, but that was all,” she says.

    The teacher wasn’t prosecuted despite being referred to the police. But in Nigeria, this is by no means rare.

    The country has an extremely low conviction rate for rape and sexual abuse, despite articles in recent years.

    A human rights lawyer who has been handling sexual assault cases for over a decade, says “cases are not effective enough … because some [instances of] rape are not recognized in the eyes of law. Sometimes, after medical examination [when] we find no signs of force or bruising, the law does not recognize that as rape.”

    But the shortcomings in Nigeria’s legal system – where the burden to prove rape or abuse often lies in evidence of it also being a violent attack – are not the only challenges facing survivors. Nigeria, home to an estimated 170 million people, has just a handful of facilities dedicated to the care and support of survivors.

  • PILLOWTALK

    HE works hard for his money; so hard for his money. Bayo is not the typical guy that you see around. He is one of those guys that you can call dedicated and not be in doubt at all. At work, he is known for the value that he adds to everything that comes his way.

    Friends and family members know that once you give him a task, you can actually go to bed with your two eyes closed because he would certainly deliver beyond your expectations. When he isn’t at work, you can be sure to find him on his small farm located behind the house. Here he tends to a variety of plants and you can see the same level of dedication at work here and the outputs usually call for celebration, each time it’s harvest time.

    However, he has noticed some invasion recently. Some birds and animals have become spoilers here and it is getting so irritating that he decided to set a trap for them. This morning, Bayo is back on the farm (his heart) and it looks like the thief has been caught. He gets closer and to Bayo’s dismay, it is his poor chicken (his babe) that walks into the trap. He rushes over to set it free but something has gone wrong, it is limping and may never walk properly again.

    That scenario actually captures what two lovebirds are passing through at the moment. The guy at the centre of the love drama is Bayo and he has played his part very well, working round the clock to make things work well.

    Unfortunately for him, some desperate folks are doing everything possible to take away the love of his life from him. The more he tries to be in charge, the more desperate they have become. Determined to wrestle this emotional ‘loot’, he maps out a number of strategies which ultimately affects the heart in question. Now that there are visible scars in the relationship, he has two options: “To let go or go back to the drawing board for the way forward.”

    He certainly does not want to lose this girl and suddenly, he decided to go to her and find out if she feels exactly the same way he is feeling about the relationship. It was a good decision and there he found that she had also been worried about the turn of events. It was a great encounter and they became united in the quest to forge ahead against all the odds. That determination was all they needed and from that point, love conquered all.

    Interestingly, when it comes to healthy relationships, there is no one-size-fits-all advice. You may need to try, try and try again before you finally discover how to get on the right path and make your relationship work. A number of lovebirds run away from a very good relationship and end up with a partner they can never get along with.

    At that point, it is already too late and they become stranded on the emotional corridor, hanging on top of hearts that can never make their dreams come true.

    The crux of the matter here is that not every relationship survives the test of time and there will always be moments when you would feel the need to finally give up and let go. However, it’s not also that easy to just drop everything and leave because you’re talking about something or someone that once made you the happiest person in the world – so you are stuck in the frustrating and often heartbreaking dilemma between staying and saying good bye.

    A good relationship is more than something we want – it’s something we need to be our happiest, healthiest, most productive selves. But at home or work, supportive, fulfilling relationships don’t come automatically. They take an investment in time and energy as well as social skills that can be learned.

    If you are lonely, long for close friendships or a better understanding of co-workers. However, if romantic relationships have disappointed you, there are steps you can take to repair old connections and build meaningful new ones.

    You know you can manipulate someone into being your friend or partner without ever feeling genuinely connected with them. Experts will tell you that a relationship is a consequence of a connection.

    You cannot afford to give up yet because as long as you both believe in your love for each other, there will always be a rainbow after every storm. Maybe you just need a break from everything? Take all the time that you need – both of you.

    Trying to fix an almost broken relationship can be emotionally taxing, and so you must take it easy. You also need to talk about what you are passing through in the relationship and be open and honest with each other. You must communicate and be honest and truthful about how you really feel.

    On your part, you must also be ready to admit your mistakes and have faith in the fact that it’s not yet too late to fix the problem. So, take it easy. In addition, you also need to talk about what you are passing through in the relationship and be open and honest with each other. Tell them about the time when they hurt you but you’re too scared to show it. On your part, you must also be ready to admit your mistakes and have faith in the fact that it’s not yet too late to fix the problem.

  • Still in doubt

    WHEN you think about the desert, the image that readily comes to mind is a state of emptiness. In a love desert, you would be thinking of a lost love and trying to fill in the gaps in your own way. It is at this stage that the one at the centre of an emotional storm becomes a wanderer. No matter how hard you try, it may just be difficult to get your bearing.

    Even when it seems like you have gotten a substitute, you just can’t let go and your mind just keeps wandering and wandering. But you can move on when you forget the negatives and build on the positive emotions that you had in the past. Here

    you can scroll down memory lane recalling the sweet memories you encountered here and there to get the emotional peace that you deserve. Dreaming about it would certainly lift your spirit taking you close to the fairy tale stories that you have heard about. Still in doubt? No need to do that to yourself. Relax and cross over a bountiful emotional harvest. The type that happens once in a while and one that brings lots of happiness. Here, you would find trees and shrubs of affection growing and churning out love branches that inspire and affect others. From the trees, you reap fruits that fill the hearts with tears of joy.

    Alternatively, you may find yourself stranded in an emotional desert. Here all you are bound to be feeling is a state of hopelessness, helplessness and rejection. But the big question is what where you hoping to get in this emotional Sahara in the first place? It is obvious that the emotional cargo that you have decided to pitch your tent with is as stranded as you are. No matter how hard you try, you guys aren’t going to go far.

    The one you’re desperately trying to cruise with it has little or nothing to offer and this state of dryness isn’t going to do you anyone any good. To get a better experience, it is better for you to move out of the desert to locate someone who would provide emotional sunshine as well as take you to the next level.

    In Coleridge’s Poem, “The Rime of the ancient Mariner”, the Wandering Albatross is actually referred to as ‘bird with good omen’.  Here we are also told about the metaphor of ‘an albatross’ around his neck indicating an unwanted burden causing anxiety or hindrance.

    Interestingly, in the days when sailing was popular, the bird often accompanied ships for days, not merely following it but wheeling in wide circles around it without ever being observed to land on the water. It continued its flight, apparently not tired, in tempestuous as well as modest weather. It is one of the largest birds in the world with the largest wingspan measuring up to about 3.5 metres. From the records, you would also find that the bird is one of the best studied species of bird in the world. Distance travelled each year is hard to measure but one banded bird was recovered travelling about 6000 km in twelve days. They spent most of their life on the wing returning to land only to court a mate and to breed.

    The behaviour of the bird is also very interesting having a range of displays from screams, whistles, grunts and bill clapping. When courting, they actually spread their wings, wave their heads as well as rap their bills together.

    Interestingly, the bones from its wings are used to produce needles, tobacco pipe stems fishhooks and flutes that would ultimately churn out romantic lyrics and songs.

    Of course, you would agree with yours truly that there are a number of romantic connections with this type of bird. However, if this bird is taken away to a lonely desert, so many things would happen. First, it is going to lose its clear white colour at adulthood. Life without emotional water can be a nightmare and, of course, life in the desert is going to be very lonely.

    Instead of languishing in the desert, it is better to take emotional flight with a great pal. On the other hand when you want to take a flight, it is better to seek emotional refuge in a love garden. Here there would be a variety of fruits to choose from and you would certainly get something you desire.

    Conversely, if you are in an emotional desert, all you would find are dry bones.  Nothing good is ever going to come out of this kind of relationship because the environment is stiff and the dust of confusion won’t take you far. You would definitely be far from your low height and all the lullabies that you are used to won’t sound nice in this environment. To make a headway, this lovebird must move out of this environment to a better environment to look and feel good.