Category: Pillow Talk

IN any relationship where one person depends on the other to be his or her own parachute and the other accepts this role, then both will fall to the ground”.

This famous love quote from Guy Finley tells us that lovebirds must be involved and know what they want in a relationship. It is a process and each step they take would determine if they qualify to move to the next stage in the love arena. One other principle is that you cannot afford to leave the survival of a relationship to one person, all love hands must be on deck.

The month has indeed come to an end and like every other thing lovers need to take stock. Has it been worth the while? Was the emotional stress interesting? Would you do the same things you did last month again this month? Or are you thinking of changing your love strategies, your partner or the environment. What has the environment got to do with it? A lot! In the land of the emotionally blind, you are not likely to go far.

For a lot of people, the activities that they were part of during the year would be interesting and exciting if they had to play back the tape. Memories of love, memories of a good friend, memories of affection and everything you dreamt of just falling in place. That of course would be a wonderful tape to play back any day and any time.

Unfortunately, it is not every experience that goes this way. Some tapes bring back miserable memories, tapes you never ever want to lay your hands on, not to talk of even attempting to play on the turn table. Maureen is feeling this way and she is trying to fashion out a love resolution for the coming year. She staked everything for a relationship that is just not working. It has been a tale of tears and hurting.

So what is she going to do with love that’s stagnant? “I have decided to move out of this love boat, it is just not working. There is no point trying to please someone who is no longer interested in the relationship.”

That’s a hard love truth. An emotional ‘defector’ in waiting? Well, why not! After all, people defect in political parties too and the question we need to ask is why you would defect from one party to another if all is well.

Tales of emotional cross carpeting and defection can happen when your emotional party is in shambles. The twosome is falling apart and they are likely to be feasting on the negatives instead of the things that used to bind them together. So, the alliance breaks up to a point where they are on the fringe, every bit of affection that was treasured has been destroyed and the word loyalty thrown to the dogs.

Physical, verbal and emotional battles recorded as exhibits, all depicting that they have come to a watershed in their emotional history. The differences and gaps have really widened and it is so obvious that they have come to the end of this love road.

Naturally, people would defect when they are dissatisfied or looking for something better than what they have at the moment. You want to look elsewhere when the emotional climate is unstable, unfavourable or challenging. At that point, the person would be in search of an emotional ally, someone who shares the same dreams as well as have a common emotional agenda.

However, if it is something you can work on to get better, then it would be worthwhile.

Like every other business, winners never quit. So you try, try and try again. Your level of perseverance would therefore determine how far you are going to go in any relationship. One basic question we need to ask at this point is how do you conquer a heart that is unwillingly?  First you need to ask yourself if it is what you really want. Once you are sure that it is worth the while then you can begin to map out your emotional strategies.

If you have someone you really care about, then you need to show it. Love is reciprocal; you can’t give what you don’t have.  If you don’t captivate the person you treasure then, you would be surprised to find a change, all of a sudden he or she would become “distant” and withdrawn and you just may not be able to figure out why.

There are times when you begin to develop strong feelings for somebody and deep down you are so sure that this is the person that you want to be with him. But you can do this alone; your emotional partner should swing in the same direction to record success.

Have you felt like he’s afraid to commit to you, or took you for granted, or didn’t value you as a person?

Are you also apprehensive about giving yourself emotionally and physically to a man because you’re afraid he won’t do the same? Or worse, that he’ll just leave for no reason at all?  You need to understand the personality before falling helplessly in love with him or her.

It’s a fact: relationships with some people so often start off “hot and heavy”, but then quickly and unexpectedly turn ice-cold.

Nearly all women have had the experience of feeling like they’ve finally found something “real” with a man, and sharing themselves both emotionally and physically, only to have him suddenly pull away.

OTUN wasn’t even her type of guy but somehow Lauretta put all her affection in his emotional basket. “Till date I just cannot pinpoint when and how I fell in love with him. The only vivid detail I remember about our emotional beginning was that we met at a shopping mall. That day I had a lot of things to carry and he volunteered to help me take the shopping bags to the car. We met once again at the mall two weeks after and that was how we became friends. For me he was just like any other guy and I did not plan to have a relationship with him’.

Perhaps, he wasn’t good looking? “No, that was not the reason at all. When it comes to physical attraction he was very handsome. Personally, I do not get attracted to men because of their looks. In fact, I try to avoid good looking guys because of the many distractions (From ladies) that they are faced with.

When he first broached the idea of a relationship, I turned it down. Then what I felt for him was just friendship, something you feel for a brother. Unfortunately, for me he just did not give me any breathing space, while I was evasive he persisted”.

Her friends actually described him as a ladies’ man and he was. When they met about five years ago, he dated a lot of women and most of the relationship he confessed was fairly shallow. But along the line he realized that what he felt for her was quite different and gradually they became almost inseparable. So what brought about this emotional transformation you wonder? “There was a day he came to look for me in the office and I was not around. He waited for about two hours and dropped a note for me. Every line was moving and I treasured the note so much. I remember pinning the note to my diary and I read it over and over again.’

That was the turning point for Lauretta. “I began to notice some of the things I did not see in the past and decided to give him a chance in my life. It was an exciting experience and we had a number of memorable activities together. We had a good life and his company was cherished on a daily basis”.

He swept her off her feet and just when she thought she had found what she desired he cross carpeted. “From my emotional hero, he turned out to be a disaster. I began to see that the relationship was all about him and I wanted it to be about me too.”

The only option was to pull out of this emotional race to save her aching heart. “It was quite painful but the break gave me some direction. I also realized that I had been wasting my time all along. It turned out to be a fruitless emotional journey.”

Going into the next phase of her life was turbulent.

She poured herself into her career but it was hard forgetting him. “Even though I realsied that I had been taken for a ride, I still missed him.  I dated two other guys but I kept comparing what they did with the things I learnt from the one I still loved. My best friend, Ada noticed what was going on and said I wasn’t satisfied with the other guys because I was still in love with the wrong guy. When she said that, I realised it was the truth and I started crying. In anger, she shouted at me saying, “Why are you crying like a baby, if you do not love that traitor. You need to wake up and move on with your life. There is really no point crying over split milk”.

Her friend’s words also freed her from the emotional turmoil that she was going through. It also opened her eyes to the fact that she was still in love with Dotun. A couple of week’s back he had called and apologized saying he had learnt from his mistake. Perhaps, it was better to look at the possibility of getting back together. So she put a call through to Dotun and happily they were reunited. The two of them realsied that they still have areas of disagreements as the months rolled by. Yes, they have come to the realization that they were always going to have some bumps here and there but there was nobody that they would rather be with. It was therefore better to hang together and make it work no matter the obstacle in the way.

Yes, everyone dreams of something good and wonderful. We all have standards and it’s great if we find what we want or something close to the original.

Like Lauretta, Moyo has been going through some dark patches in her love life.

Even when she puts in her best, she keeps criss crossing the emotional zone without getting to the proverbial promise land. “I often wonder what is always happening to me. I have discovered that I do not love the people who fall in love with”. All you need to do is to focus on the good sides of the person who cares about you and make the love idea reciprocal. If you do not move on and make the best of your emotional situation, then you are going to be caught in an emotional cobweb that may lead to depression.

While some can stick to a particular relationship for so long and do things that would make it look new as the years roll by, there are others who prefer to be adventurous when it comes to matters of the heart.

IT was her birthday and she had planned an outing with the one she loved. Ibidunni had invested so much on her hair, outfit and the other accessories that made the total package. The environment for the dinner was also great and exciting. The date, however, turned out to be a nightmare because the dude who was supposed to make it romantic failed to turn up.

What a nightmare! Now that it has happened, the whole relationship and memories come flowing with stark realities. “I realised at this point that I had been wasting my time investing on a guy who did not deserve my emotions. Along the line, I had noticed that he was not sincere with me, I had suspected at different times that he was seeing other ladies but somehow I kept thinking that he was going to change. I kept thinking that he was going to get tired of his bad habits and then we would live happily together forever.”

Dreamer! The truth of the matter is that you cannot give what you do not have. This is why relationships that are unplanned most often fail. Even though every relationship has its peculiar strengths and weaknesses, it is better to plan and invest in your emotional future. The next question would be how do you make core love investments? Are you sure that your investments would be appreciated as well as reap emotional dividends at the right time?

Here, we must think of the type of emotional investment that we need to make, responsible investing, as well as the costly mistakes that emotional investors make before forging ahead. Next, you need to define and understand the kind of investments you need to make as well as how to go about doing it in the right way.

The love arena comes with a lot of complications and what you think is important may not necessarily be cool for the other party. In economics, investment is the accumulation of newly produced physical entities, such as factories, machinery, houses, and goods inventories.

Interestingly, in finance, investment is a different ballgame entirely. Here it is putting money into an asset with the expectation of capital gain, dividend, and interest earnings.

However, these parallel lines meet at some point. Like financial investments, emotional investments also involve some risk. This includes investment in equities, property, and even fixed interest securities which are subject, among other things, to inflation and risk.

Investing in your emotions as well as in the emotions of the one you love is not a short-time strategy. It is about making a success about the relationship in the long run and you must have the goal of wanting it to work out. It is only when you are sincere with the heart that you treasure that you would be ready to make core love investments.

To have your emotions given, or “invested,” towards someone or something sounds like a great idea but it requires a lot of hard work, dedication as well as perseverance. It requires focusing your emotions on to something or someone that you care a lot about.

No matter how hard we try, we are still likely to run into emotional and economic depression. They are phases that we pass through in our finances and our emotions. The phase should not be a hindrance, setback or stumbling block. The most important thing is to understand the tools to make use of as you pass through the phase. On the other hand, the assets and investments that you have stored up over time would definitely help you to pass through the rainy day without tears.

Experts would readily tell you that it is only the rare couple that doesn’t run into a few potholes as the journey through and from the emotional in the road. Some even run into emotional gutters, somersault on the emotional flyovers many times and still survive because they have saved lots of emotions which they use to replenish each time they are in emotional distress.

So, if you recognise ahead of time, what those relationship problems might be, you’ll have a much better chance of getting past them when they finally show up.

In spite of the fact that every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going strong. Some actually use the problems as a stepping stone, launching themselves to emotional heights they never imagined existed when they started out together.

They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to manoeuvre through the complex issues of everyday life. Others also get assistance by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going for counselling, as well as observing what other successful couples do to enrich their emotional bank.

It is also good to set up some rules that would guide your relationship with one another. Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Mary Jo Fay, author of Please Dear, Not Tonight, says a lack of sexual self-awareness and education compounds these problems.